Opening up about why I struggle to slow down

I hope you all have the best Christmas (if you celebrate it) and as this will be my last video of 2023, I'll see you all in the New Year 💚
More of me 👀
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FAQ ✌🏻
How old are you? | apparently 25 lol
Where are you from? | South of the UK
Current life situation? | Trying to be an adult…
What did you study? | Biological Natural Sciences, University of Cambridge (2016-2019) and the Cancer MSc, University College London (2020-2021)
What camera(s) do you use? | Canon G7X Mark ii (with a Manfrotto Tripod linked above) and GoPro Hero 7
How do you edit your videos? | Final Cut Pro
Credits
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[@astronightsprincess]

you've mentioned a few challenges you're currently facing. i really recommend seeing a therapist who can help you talk through and process these challenges as well. i went for therapy and it really helped me to deal with and process the challenges i faced.

[@alicedoesphysics]

Holly, I'm not sure if you're looking for advice, so feel free to ignore this if you aren't. 🙂 But I don't watch much youtube these days, but this one popped up and I clicked on it because I always loved watching your videos when we were both at uni. What I wanted to say was: I also had a youtube channel when I was at uni (this one!) which, although plenty smaller than yours, means I do relate to what you said about online boundaries. I wasn't sure what to do with my channel when I graduated, because I felt like it would be a "waste" to let go of something I'd poured so much effort into. But actually I did end up completely abandoning it (mostly accidentally, because I was very depressed in the pandemic...) - and I don't regret that at all. I don't struggle with feeling like I "need to be productive" anymore, because I work really hard when I'm at work (weather+climate scientist), and I work really hard when I'm training (do duathlons and timetrialing), and that makes me feel fulfilled so I have no guilt when resting. I also don't stress about reach/engagement on social media at all anymore - I post things that make me happy and I genuinely don't care if 2 people or 2000 people see it. TLDR: I know the thought of "letting go" of something like this can be really scary, but if it's not right for you anymore, it's not right for you anymore. You need to put yourself (the "human Holly", not the "brand Holly") first, whatever that looks like. And you're so good at so many things, and resilient and determined, that I know that it will all work out in the end. 🙂

[@AlwynRainMystic]

holly has said she wants to work for herself as she enjoys the freedom that goes with it, she can chose when she works, which allows her days to be more flexible.

[@alicedoesphysics]

@@AlwynRainMystic I didn't say "work for someone else", I just said if making KZbin videos isn't right for her anymore then that's not something she should feel guilty about. 🙂 Plenty of ways to work for yourself that don't involve KZbin (although, as a sidenote, my job has 100% flexible hours so I get that freedom too; employed vs. self-employed isn't that black and white).

[@AlwynRainMystic]

i dont see where she said she didn;t want to do youtube anymore, or that it wasn;t right for her?

[@alicedoesphysics]

@@AlwynRainMystic And I didn't say that either - I said "if". I'm not here to pick a fight, so that's my last reply. Just wanted to leave a comment because I have felt some of the things Holly mentioned in this video, and it wasn't easy.

[@aconspiracyunmasked]

I loved your videos when you posted Alice! And I think that's a great comment you’ve left there. Probably nice to get input from someone who can actually relate to Hollys situation a bit more

[@jenna9510]

Holly I’ve never commented on your videos, but I just want to say you probably have a ton of silent viewers like me that really enjoy your content and appreciate your videos, even if we don’t comment, never feel like you are alone and talking to no one! :) We are all here finding a lot of peace and joy from your videos. I’ve been watching you since your vlogging in uni and when I was still in high school so your channel brings me a lot of comfort as I feel like I grew up with you :) I’ve also struggled with perfectionism/overworking and so you have always shown me I’m not alone, but I’ve learnt to be easier on myself and I hope you do too! We all deserve balance and rest in our life :)

[@MK_2023.]

Honestly, from the sounds of it, you really need to go see a therapist who can help you with these problems. Making a video for your subscribers to try and explain how you're feeling is fine, but you seriously need to take the time to talk to someone who can help you make sense of everything. I've been lost in life too, it's an awful feeling, but it doesn't last forever, thankfully.

[@AlwynRainMystic]

how do you know she isn't seeing a therapist?

[@AlwynRainMystic]

also a psychologist/psychiatrist would be better for her problems, therapists are just there to help you vent, they don't give coping mechanisms/treat ocd or anxiety.

[@MK_2023.]

@@AlwynRainMystic you know what I mean, stop picking fights. You're such an exhausting person.

[@AlwynRainMystic]

why do you always leave such condescending comments on her videos lol@@MK_2023.

[@MK_2023.]

@AlwynRainMystic there was nothing condescending in my original comment though? Holly is clearly going through something mentality that would benefit from professional help. If you're ignoring her problem and acting like she's fine, then you're not helping her. Try to be a better person instead of jumping to conclusions.

[@eleonorabruno1943]

I appreciate your honesty. I also sometimes almost feel obsessed with working/studying, I can't stop even to talk to my family and I don't allow myself to rest otherwise I feel so guilty and anxious. This is usually followed by a period where I am not able to do any work at all. You are already going in the right direction by deciding that you want to change :) Also, I loved the editing, so calm

[@AlwynRainMystic]

your cat milka is so sweet

[@xnij250]

I watched your previous video before this and it seems like you're having identity crisis especially after university. I completely understand your struggle. I suggest that you take some time off and rediscover yourself and your passion. Because your passion may not be something that can be converted to content. You've ran out of ideas for content and it's normal because normal life is not always interesting and exciting esp for YT. You can always ask yourself: do I really like this for me or I just want this so I can have a content for YT? More often than not, life is not vloggable.

[@Justme_elizabeth]

I personally LOVED your Australia travelling series the most out of all your videos ❤❤

[@rosep.4150]

I hope you know that you are okay just the way you are. Don't let people on the internet (where people are more brutal and more 'honest' than they would eher be in real life)get you down.❤ Have a Merry Christmas!

[@sarah_kale]

Please take good care of yourself as you try to figure things out ❤ I would also suggest thinking about seeing a therapist, especially for those feelings of guilt and shame when not meeting a certain standard of productivity. Maybe you could work throught these feelings and figure out what you really value and want in life.

[@AlwynRainMystic]

its a symptom of high functioning anxiety and sometimes ocd/ which you need a specialist psychologist to treat.. talking therapies can make these things worse

[@sarah_kale]

@@AlwynRainMystic you do realize that therapy is sooo much more than just talking? I'm a psychotherapist :D

[@AlwynRainMystic]

yes, but general 'therapy' is very bad for ocd as it makes it worse, you need to see a specailist in ocd /erp treatment, but first she would need a diagnosis by a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, the wrong treatment can be detrimental@@sarah_kale

[@hannah_xx]

so much love to you Holly! take time for yourself, we're here for you when you're ready xx

[@AlwynRainMystic]

im the opposite i cant do any work, i keep putting it off, i have been procrastinating writing my research proposal for 2 months

[@remekster]

I think you smashed this video. Ive been watching your videos for a while now and i follow you because I like watching people who are super productive but also have a fun life, to be honest i always wondered how you dont get burnout. But because I looked up to you in terms of how much you get done, it kind of made me put pressure on myself to be that busy and i used to compare my busy days to yours thinking i havent done enough. You showing this video has made me say to myself that i should also slowdown some. I think this is your most authentic video, not saying the others were not but this one showed you on another level. I super respect the strength that must of took. All the best to you Holly and Merry Christmas 🎄

[@geab.2182]

Such a beautiful, wonderful video. I loved the slow aesthetics of it and also the thoughtful content. The typewriting captions with these cute little noises were also core cool... And how well you looked after a night of super (alarmless) rest 🫶👍

[@EmEmJee89]

Merry Christmas Holly! Thank you for sharing your struggles, you are so brave. Time is a great and wize teacher. I loved this style of video. Lots of love to you😘

[@bosquetblues7919]

So much love to you, dear Holly! Thank you for taking us with you on this journey! And thank you for sharing what you shared in this video. I’m one of, I’m sure, SO many silent viewers who love you, wish you well and feel thankful for whatever you share. About the topic of your identity, achievements, the felt obligation of non-stop productivity and work - just know that you’re not alone in it! It seems that in a way or another many KZbinrs of your scale go through it. (Do you have any that you can share with about these topics?). But, even more, many many self-employed people, especially soon after stepping out of the studies, go through it. I hope that you have a safe private space where to share and reflect about these topics without the pressure of how it will be perceived by us, the viewers. Much love.

[@AlwynRainMystic]

people who want to always be highly productive and stick to schedules and list sometimes have high functioning anxiety disorder

[@nomingary369]

Holly you're so lucky and you work hard every day. You should take some down-time for yourself. No everyone gets the chance to go to good school. You should be proud of your accomplishments in life. I watch your videos, you're such an amazing soul. 💙

[@lauraelisee]

We love you Holly! Take all the time you need to figure things out. We’ll be here! ❤😊❤

[@laurelkerossow9924]

I've always just liked knowing you're doing alright. You're like the little sister I never had.

[@LittleVenator]

Oh Holly, I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. I’ve also been feeling so lost and down, so I understand how that sense of hopelessness can set in and destroy one’s confidence. If you feel like you’re “talking to no one” in your videos, please know we are here! At least, I’m here 😅 Your every-day vlogs have always been my favourite videos of yours and, to the degree that you’re up for it, would love to see more of those in 2024. Keep your chin up 🤍

[@leniolesch896]

You mentioning „being known for always being progressive“ hit me hard. It’s the same with ED recovery, finding a new identity, separating from the image people have about you is so hard. Merry Christmas, my dear.

[@kawaiikitty4569]

Balance is the key. I’m glad you are trying to relax more, as you like to schedule, then you may need to ‘schedule’ relaxation time in too. I remember you used to like reading, not sure if you do that still. Remember that no one hates you and we all want you to be kind to yourself and wish you well! Take care and Happy Christmas! P.S. Milka is smart, she knows what the deal is and when you need to take a break! 😂

[@sarahjenkins1378]

I relate to this so so much, Holly 🫶 I've always loved your content (been watching since I started uni in 2016!) and I will ALWAYS love it!💚 we all go through big shifts and periods of growth throughout our lives and I'm so proud of your journey 💚

[@nannanwu8065]

Holly, I can't even wait until I finish watching this video to write down a comment. Love this one. Merry Christmas.

[@nannanwu8065]

Also I can relate to you to some extent, about that "two or three uploads every single week" part. I'm a content creator on a Chinese social media, viewers, followers, likes and comments, all these things get on my nerve every single day. Till now I'm still struggling. I sincerely hope that you find a way out. Best wishes.

[@Sit2024x]

Also, you have an option to take a break from socmed if it overwhelms you. You have a choice.

[@lizzy8399]

love you holly, hope 2024 will be a better and fulfilling year for you!

[@PlanetImo]

I find it hard to stop and take breaks too because I feel guilty for it. I wonder if it might be a self employed person thing - when I had a 9-5 job I felt like off time was off time and on time was on time. Now I don't have set hours so any hour could be potential on time. I've been experimenting with a time tracker app and I find that helps me to be able to justify time off when I know I've gone over the average hours worked.

[@Sit2024x]

Less viewers and stagnant subscribers = not interesting content. You cant force people to want your vlogs. Sorry, not sorry. You just gotta accept that. Your current life choices do not interest me in the very least - but my opinions doesn't matter at all anyway. Accept this and you'll find peace. Stop chasing for views or praises or all toxic positivity. People are dying.

[@world_of_Asia]

Merry Christmas! and remember that we appreciate your content no matter how often you post and keeping some things private is totally fine

[@samanthajean790]

I’m giving you a hug, Holly 🤗

[@silvialogan9226]

Holly, you should not be guilty of not vlogging. You have the right to keep certain personal things private. I wish you, Emily, Matthew, your parents, grandparents, and all your family and friends a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

[@lakvii]

the pressure to constantly move ahead in our lives is exhausting, especially for people who tend to be more contemplative. I think you could like this book I just read, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May. the relationship between youtubers and their audiences is difficult. you don't owe us anything, least of all full transparency in all aspects of life. we don't owe you constant and automatic adoration. it is good that you are thinking what this relationship means to you. I look forward to seeing what you make of 2024

[@mariastrong3746]

I have always enjoyed your videos, I may not be so active in the comments but I am listening and watching 💛

[@amyanderson470]

We hear you, and we are still here! Sending love Holl 💚

[@filmsbynix]

So many of these studytubers who peaked during school/university really seem to be struggling simply to live a "normal" life because they've become accustomed to a life of leisure and privilege to the point of where seeking a traditional job in their field of expertise seems bizarre to them. You can be productive in other ways other than running a dying youtube channel. It's time to move on, I'm sure your mental health will improve dramatically if you take an actual break and not continue to post click bait videos

[@AlwynRainMystic]

youtube is only a small part of her job, she has multiple business including a tutoring company. not everyone is satisfied with giving their entire life to the system just because its ''normal;;

[@filmsbynix]

@@AlwynRainMystic well then she shouldn't come crying on youtube that her views are low

[@AlwynRainMystic]

when did she do that?@@filmsbynix

[@AlwynRainMystic]

merry christmas, love the new style of video

[@JoyRaa]

Take care Holly❤. Merry Christmas 🎉

[@pannagasudarshan6639]

I love your content holly❤! And you have made a HUGE impacted in my life in more ways than I had ever imagined! It was because of you I found motivation to do stuff in my own life and getting my shit together ( pardon the language) so never think you’re not relatable or anything. But I really admire you and all that you stand for ❤

[@claudiaraquelescobartadeo3125]

Really loved this video Holly! 😊❤

[@alexismundy5893]

Happy Christmas Holly!

[@user-se3vn3bw3v]

Nature heals everything🥰

[@caite1809]

Go see a therapist and get a real job why did you even get a masters if you’re not going to put it to use? I would kill to get a job in the medical biotech field after doing my masters

[@moone88]

i love the editing it's soo relaxing ✨

[@zahra.mo11]

Dear Holly, as someone whose main focus has been academic stuff, I totally understand you. When I finished uni, I felt lost! Even though I immediately started working, it took A While for me to adjust, Because being successfull at getting good grades feels like such a big accomplishment, and when you get that feeling and get used to it, you're kind of looking for it in other things but you may not find it and that's fine!! That's how life is. Everything changes. And now that you're feeling a lot of pressure, it means you're growing which is awesome! Also, being a content creator is really hard, getting lower views and getting just one negative comment can really bring a person down it's no joke I wish you the best❤

[@YihangZhang-pw2ns]

Don't worry, Holly! Everyone has his tough time and what we should do is to try out best to chase our dreams. Thanks for your videos, which really cheer me up when I am down❤❤❤ Never give up! Let's welcome a fantastic 2024 together! 🎉🎉 (Sorry for my poor English. 😢

[@emmaparsons4151]

Just upload what and when you want there’s no pressure from your true and loyal supporters, but yourself first❤

[@momentmemos]

I guess people mean well saying ”you should go to therapy” but maybe before commenting that to a KZbin video (when you don’t know the person in real life!) just don’t do it? I don’t think it’s particularly helpful and just sounds condescending and frankly gives me the vibe that the commentor wants to feel better about themselves… Also to those commenting that Holly should get a ”real job”: what does that even mean? Not everyone needs to go to a corporate job that their university degree was about. You can go to university and then change yout mind about the future. You can also change your career. And some people work in an office (I guess what most people mean when they say ”real job”), some work in a bar, some work online, you know, everyone is different! And if someone thinks KZbin is not a ”real job”: why are you watching then?:D entertainment industry is huge if you haven’t noticed. Lots of love Holly, you got this❤️‍🔥

[@uswatunhasanah8521]

Dear Holly... 🌹🌷🌹🌷 Whatever you face now "good or bad" face it with calm. Btw, since 2018 I have done a lot of productive things by watching your videos. Thank you so much ❤

[@grachoderunwiderstehlichen]

...you are allways in my mind🌵 Frohes neues Jahr '24 ! (glad new year '24 !)

[@mandarina8404]

I dunno it sounds really weird but Because of you, I learned so many things from you. From my A1 level English student, I tried to understand you and you helped me a lot, Holly! Now for 2 years every time you post new videos about your life, I watch it and feel easier to look at this life. I laugh I learn so much because of your videos. Please don't be sad. My God gives you energy. We all have such stressful times in our lives and I think we should TRUST god's plans because he always keeps this life balance. This sadness is another part of that balance. We LOVE you HOLLY!!!!!!!!!! My cute sister 😘😘😘😘😘😘

[@CodeDeb]

Holly you’re not an influencer. You’re a content creator, a vlogger. Try making one video that’s not entirely about yourself. Use your cancer training to help people with a terrible disease

[@sharvaripatil1966]

Thank you for sharing Holly . I feel less alone with this feeling ❤

[@mobyj1]

dear holly, i just want to tell you that i love you so much, and take care of yourself.❤

[@SehanazsLife]

You are amazing dear in your own way ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@rachelk2256]

Merry Christmas Holly 🥰🥰 looking forward to watching

[@sunqueen4080]

You dont need a therapist you just need to grow up and act like an adult not a 12 year old child

[@autie-fibromyalgialife3953]

Hey holly, you sound like you’re burnt out. I do this too getting help for it made me some changes

[@paulinag]

❤

[@user-xm4bo4qp5c]

Go to Arab world e.g. Jordan, or Bosnia maybe, for holidays, meet locals and their way of life. You'll understand how toxic working pace in the UK is. It's not just you, it's the society, the alienation between people and that imperative of success i.e. slavery for someone else's benefits. Family values, honesty, love, compassion were lost as a human value in the UK.

[@pranjalverma2536]

Merry christmas holly❤

[@luminimanage]

❤❤❤

[@enkay1096]

Holly. There are multiple genocides going on, funded by our depraved government, 1 in 3 children in the UK are in poverty, people are suffering severe food insecurity here and homelessness is on the rise. You’re in an incredibly privileged position and your existential crisis is normal. What you’re experiencing is just an average Wednesday. A lot of people also fear they’re wasting their lives and feel a pressure to be proactive. It’s more common than you think. You’re a genius. Use your mind, your energy and your platform to help others. Do something meaningful. Running about to the point of injury, making fancy açai bowls with spenny ingredients and having a decent looking fella is all good and well but I think you’re empty. I think you’re feeling empty because you’re not contributing to the world with the skillsets and resources you have. You got a first and could do medical wonders and research, but you’d rather vlog an oat milk latte. I watched you because you inspired me to be productive. I was so excited to see what you would do with your degree. Your videos are the reason I didn’t just say I would do things, I made sure I did. You’re young, live life and enjoy it yeah but I do think you need to do more meaningful things. I was hoping to see Ted Talks. With your veganism, I thought you’d be this incredible activist for people. Not just animals. I relate to you less and less because you don’t seem to take much interest in much beyond yourself. So much talent in such a beautiful girl that could affect real change. Please do this. Expose the realities of how our body’s are crumbling because of the produce, the dirty water, the stress, the constant consumption of stimuli. Help people who have lost loved ones to cancer. I think you should join Doctors Without Borders. I’m sorry if this comment seems harsh, I just feel like people like you can do so much for the greater good and it’s disappointing to see you succumb to the bog standard and in all honesty, vanity.

[@MrMckenzie666]

vlogs. vlog everyday life. thats all.

[@AsenathWaiteDerby]

If this is the price of being at top, no thanks, I'm fine with being average.

[@sandrex1978]

Hello Holly. Please don't read the comments. Everybody has one, and it can be different or even mean. Just be brave and post what you care about. New people and some of us will love it. A big hug

[@anitapolet_]

Keep breathing ❤

[@emilyheck6934]

[@hsgyeeid364]

Seeing you spit out alcohol onto the floor of a hostel was very disrespectful, disgusting, and not content I, or I imagine any potential employer of yours, want to see

[@miyh20]

Not that serious.

[@thejesterschagrin]

Which vid she do this in?

[@therealsugarking]

No such thing as balance baby. You either do or don’t. So just keep doing. Make that money. We love to see you vlog.

[@miyh20]

Telling this to someone who had an ED and obsessively exercises and studies isn’t the take you thought it was. She’s overworked constantly (look how many vids she has talking about slumps and burnout as well as injuries. Then in between that super long work days, intense exercise, wieiad with resrtive meals etc. ) She needs balance and a break. Don’t recommend nonsense like that to her it’ll fuel her obsessive tendencies. Yk how many ppl told her to slow down on here and Strava before Germany? She told everyone she knows her body and she doesn’t need to rest/ is fine 3 days before she injured herself and had to drop out and couldn’t run for weeks after. BALANCE IS EVERYTHING

[@therealsugarking]

@@miyh20 she needs to grind

[@miyh20]

@@therealsugarkingno she doesn’t. Did you read anything I put?

[@therealsugarking]

@@miyh20 she better grind

[@jjjooooddd6072]

1st

[@shawn4093]

Thank you for choosing privacy to yourself❤️ very admirable and smexyyyy😝😘😂

[@lifeliveslife3035]

I think we all know you’ve got ADHD for a long time now Holly

[@MS-gw2cg]

Mate, you obviously don't know what ADHD is. I suggest if you are diagnosed with ADHD you research more about what it is and how it presents for your own well being.

[@user-ju5ow3dg1m]

Hello Holly, you don't need a therapist. I say this because I see comments say you need a therapist. I am a driven person like you - unluckily at the moment not as driven as you and I am trying to be more driven - I went to a therapist some years ago and it was a COMPLETE waste of time and money. The therapist is a lazy person, talked down on me and made me feel bad about being hardworking. I think that you are handling emotions very well and do not need a 'therapist' to 'help'. You mentioned you would dread looking at the comments, I think the hateful comments are ridiculous. I saw comments which said you should get a job and other things you should do but those people are just jealous. Likely they don't have the ability to be self-employed like you and they need to get a job so they tried to make you think you should also get a job. Your life is yours not theirs they don't have the right to decide what you should do. Thanks a lot for sharing about what drive you to work frequently. I am aiming to be able to work as frequently as you. Thanks a lot for your inspiration.

[@miyh20]

YES SHE DOES. Stop encouraging bad behaviour if you wanna overwork urself fine but let other ppl be healthy. Everyone needs therapy let alone someone who had an ED and had never got treatment

[@AlwynRainMystic]

which is why she needs a psychiatrist to diagnose her and then treatment from a clincal psychologist, ''therapy'' seems to be the in trendy thing, when in fact therapy'' is not suitable for everyone ..many need an actual psychiatrist

[@miyh20]

@@AlwynRainMystic treatment from a psychiatrist 9/10 is therapy (sometimes along w meds) 😭😭

[@fadakmohammed7948]

U r amazing holly and perfect the way u are . Take all the time u want ,u work so hard u deserve it 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

[@moone88]

heyy holly, you don't have to feel guilty if you want to change something that doesn't make you feel good! You respect your own boundaries and that's the best thing you can do!!! 🩷

[@shawn4093]

🥹🥹🥹this is what we love you for, authenticity and creatively sharing what you’re going through ❤️