Our Marriage Got Worse When He Quit Drinking

Our Marriage Got Worse When He Quit Drinking
Next Steps
📝 We want to know what you think-take our show survey! ramsey.qualtri...
📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or click here: ter.li/0pimqr
📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life: ter.li/TDJDSBNAL
📝 Anxiety Test: ter.li/6zeike
📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future: ter.li/TDJDSOYP
❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards: ter.li/TDJDSQFH
💭 John's Free Guided Meditation: ter.li/mnl8mg
Offers From Today's Sponsors
• 10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp  bit.ly/3seoBCe
• 3 free months of Hallow  www.hallow.com...
• 25% off Thorne orders  www.thorne.com...
• 15% off the Apollo wearables  www.apolloneur...
• Up to $400 in savings on an Eight Sleep bundle  www.Eightsleep...
• 20% off on Organifi products  www.Organifi.c...
Listen to More From Ramsey Network
🎙️ The Ramsey Show  ter.li/3opzgn
🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour  ter.li/iy4cj0
💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  ter.li/3opzgn
💰 George Kamel  ter.li/9rrvlr
💡 The Rachel Cruze Show  ter.li/46pj7d
💼 The Ken Coleman Show - Highlights  ter.li/drmpbx
📈 EntreLeadership  ter.li/ux0fyw
These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.
Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy
www.ramseysolu...
X (@johndelony)
Instagram (@johndelony)
Facebook ( johndelony/)

[@toosense]

He used alcohol to cope. He doesn’t have that crutch anymore. If he struggles with social anxiety he’s probably afraid to relapse. He stays home where it’s safe.

[@chay516]

Yes! Exactly

[@danilaroche1156]

Yes. My first thought was he's anxious. His thinking must be rewired. You both need the Lord in your life for victory over issues.

[@chay516]

@@danilaroche1156 it’s very true. I isolate cause I’m an alcoholic and I am terrified people will trigger me to relapse.

[@daleweiss9507]

When I was struggling with alcohol the biggest obstacle to stopping, was knowing I would be a different person without it.

[@Savvynomad225]

It’s a different life being sober. A lot of “drinking friends” disappear once you’re truly sober

[@camschuster5947]

This…..this. Right here. What a truth bomb.

[@CrystalM1917]

Is it what made you start drinking in the first place? Trying to understand what that means bc it sounds like what you're saying is that you're uninteresting/boring/unlikeable without alcohol....

[@waynepolo6193]

@@CrystalM1917 ​​⁠​⁠ That’s a fairly oversimplified, if not antagonistic, interpretation. There are a multitude of things a person who reaches for a bottle may want to repress. Around 6:00 in the call I s a good starting point.

[@CrystalM1917]

@waynepolo6193 I was asking about the posters individual experience, not the callers.

[@sovemberneventh]

he sobered up and realized he hates every decision he’s made thus far.. including his marriage lol

[@BlackStump172]

I don’t blame him . She is the problem and not him . She is hardly supportive . Does she drink too much ?

[@SummerOfMayhem]

@@BlackStump172she may have a tad bit of negative emotions, bc he put her through hell, while he drank. Alcoholic leaves a trail of broken people, and sometimes it’s simple not possible to forgive them. I understand, why she has resentment, and so would you, if you had ever lived with an alcoholic 🤷🏼‍♀️.

[@nameunavailable1330]

@@BlackStump172she stayed with him for 15 years as an alcoholic, finally got him to sober up, and now he’s drifting away from her.

[@Littlethelion]

I’m not sure I understand why it has to be his fault or hers? Becoming sober is like waking up to a new reality and relearning how to process emotions all over again - I know this too well. He can absolutely want to be with his wife and still struggle with connection. Remember guys, you don’t always have to judge someone - especially when you only know 1% of their reality through a KZbin video.

[@neisci]

A tale as hold as time that's why it's always a bad idea to stick around addicts in general. Once they sober up they want to change their life including spouse and children.

[@oraclepanda]

Going out can be very hard for a reformed drinker. Alcohol is everywhere.

[@malenejensen2995]

They don't need to go out, the date could be a walk by the beach or at a park. Just doing something different where you talk with each other.

[@TH-eb5ro]

Yes and it seems that they had built their lives on that type of socializing. Even breakfast places, small places are able to get liquor licenses now. Even a neighborhood association will be able to serve and they do because it is profitable and so many people now have to have it. Huberman has some good talks on this.

[@kellibuzzard9431]

Yes! And drinkers are not as funny as they think they are, so when you stop you notice that. 😂

[@theclockworkcadaver7025]

@@malenejensen2995 I somehow doubt the beach is in their house. Or a park. They do have to go out. And people at the beach could be drinking, same as people at the park. You walk past pubs and bars. It's everywhere.

[@Savvynomad225]

Stopping drinking introduced a lot of changes to my life. Alcohol is like a best friend that people use to guide their choices. When you ditch that best friend, you change perspectives

[@wLBlue]

Yeah...like his choice in marriage or who he married

[@Nadine_IBRfarms]

She has no idea how much work it is to get sober!

[@chexnfx7161]

She sounds like she drinks plenty

[@rustyshackleford6637]

I've been a pimp for over 25 years

[@withtimecomesgrace]

Both my husband and i are in the process of quitting substances. Praise God. He will bring us closer to Himself.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I pray it's also closer together as well, since you are doing it together.

[@rustyshackleford6637]

I've been smoking marwan al-shaheed

[@patriciatate2470]

Sounds like they were drinking buddies, and now don't have anything in common.

[@Gadfly333]

She also sounds boring... perhaps he realised that when he's sober she's really dull.

[@acebread3511]

Sounds like you aren't a real person.

[@acebread3511]

​@Gadfly333 really? 15 years?

[@Gadfly333]

@@acebread3511 He needed 15 years of alcohol to be married to her.

[@rsjcmp2285]

@@Gadfly333😂😂😂😢

[@alexjames9942]

Hes finally having to live in reality without his numbing agent. He doesnt know how to deal with his trauma so hes retreating inwardly to protect himself. He needs therapy and support to become someone the best version of himself 🙏🏾

[@heather4089]

She needs therapy, she’s an alcoholic too.

[@toosense]

Yes, amen to that. She need to give him time and support.

[@melodyfield3032]

What to do if someone refuses therapy?

[@alexjames9942]

@melodyfield3032 hard to say. Everyone is different and unfortunately some people can't be helped if they don't want it. As long as they stay sober, I think time and good quality support will go a long way to get a person to a place where they're more open to considering therapy.

[@melodyfield3032]

@@alexjames9942 thank you. Agree.

[@kimberlyf4888]

When I told my husband that I wanted to quit drinking, he threatened to leave me. I quit anyway, now 5 years later he tells me what a great decision it was - I am so much happier now. We used to go on wine trips, bars when we had free time, too. But, now we just do other things together. I still go out and hang out with people who drink, there's still alcohol in the house - I'm not white knuckling it, this is a choice that I wanted and love.

[@owl4260]

He threatened to leave you because you wanted to stop drinking? That seems really insensitive and unfair to me... How did you navigate this?

[@kimberlyf4888]

@@owl4260 I just went ahead and quit - I knew he was just afraid that our lives would change and I wouldn't be "fun" anymore. All good now.

[@melmel7011]

Wow, I really would have had a problem with him not supporting a healthier choice for me.

[@patriot-hj5vx]

Good to know that your husband thought the marriage was conditional. I would have left HIM

[@mariabione5424]

What a lot of people don’t know is that most alcoholic’s marriages fail AFTER they get sober, so your husband was pretty insightful actually when he said he would leave. Glad y’all are happy together now! Life is fun sober, isn’t it? 🙂

[@brittanyanderson2739]

I feel like she's trying so hard to be percieved as better than him with the "self work" and being "more fun" and "dragging him along" and his "conspiracy theories are crazy" and it's all to deflect from the fact that she's a drunk too and now that he's sober the constrast is shining a light on her drinking. Wine moms are alcoholics too. They just show up to soccer games drunk instead of their factory jobs. Just cause wine is "classier" and your get to go to vineyards and be a snob about it doesn't mean it's less of a problem. Every activity she mentioned involved drinking. Breweries wineries bars out dancing. Maybe he was louder or more wild and it was camouflage for her.

[@E-C_961]

Oh for sure! My old boss was a wine mom. She was sober of course when I met her. I was her nanny for her two sons. She told me all the stories. She told me right before she hit her rock bottom, she would fill one of those metal cups that had a lid with wine to walk her kids to the end of the driveway to meet the bus and would finish it by the time she got back in the house. She had to have her cup to go anywhere and/or do anything. The grocery store, her daughters sports practices, school, friends houses, running errands, going to work, hanging out at the house, playing with the kids outside, etc. She told me about her embarrassing public incidents and incidents at the house. She finally broke down and came to the hard realization that if she didn't get sober, she was gonna end up losing her life or her children in a car accident or something would happen to them while she was passed out on the couch. Her daughters started being affected by her drinking too. They were pre teens at the time and it was starting to take an emotional toll on them. Their dad, her ex, was an alcoholic too. He's the reason she got started drinking because it was normal for him to be drinking all the time so she would drink with him and it just snowballed for her. Glad she sobered up. By the way her daughter's and husband spoke about that time, she was a total disaster mess.

[@spiderleenie]

I think you just hit a bullseye, @brittanyanderson2739. This is exactly what I got from this call, too.

[@susanmartin4092]

Stop judging people the comments here are terrible

[@spiderleenie]

@@susanmartin4092 Sounds like you're judging people. lol.

[@yorgivon-schmourgeussborgi]

The real all stars are the benzo moms. Pop a pill and drive the kids around.

[@kathylovesmk]

I think sometimes spouses want them to stop being a drunk, but not stop being fun, party guy/girl. Because it obviously changes everything.

[@chilichickSantaFe]

When I went out with my drinking friends to dance, inevitably they would try to get me to drink. Thy couldn't remember what they said, they were all professionals, but had alcoholic/childish antics, abusive relationships, dui, you can't dance with anyone I dance with, gossiping about each other. I left and never looked back.

[@raynonabohrer5624]

One reason my husband and I was close. We took up hobbies together. Ceramics, jewelry. History,. Go to cemeteries. Family history doing family history., Leather work. Gardening.

[@wmluna381]

Sounds like you got a good one there.

[@janebilleter5299]

When I quit drinking/doing drugs I was a total mess.....Without the alcohol and drugs I had to figure out who the heck I was.....It took a long time and I am still working on it after 22 years of sobriety.

[@Dapryor]

I’m 4 years off the sauce and I’m dealing with that. I am not the fun guy I used to be and it’s a struggle for everyone around me.

[@janebilleter5299]

@@Dapryor I totally get it. For a long time, I thought I would never have fun or be fun again. I learned other ways to have a good time and learned to like myself ( the real me). Still a work in progress but so much better than I was☺️

[@AnonymousGameWarden]

​@@janebilleter5299 sounds like he was a great loving dad and husband when he was drinking.. some people should have vices in moderation if it's a net benefit on their life. Substances affect everyone differently. Being addicted to Netflix is no better than being addicted to alcohol. Gotta let players play.

[@user-zh5fh2li9u]

Keep fighting and know that you are worth it !!

[@marlynsantos9677]

7:52 "Let seeing the world with clarity be an avenue to compassion not judgement." Love this!

[@theworkingmanpodcast]

Now that he’s off the alcohol this is the real him.

[@juniorboy6302]

True.

[@fauxbro1983]

so what. he's better off without the booze

[@theworkingmanpodcast]

@@fauxbro1983 didn’t say he wasn’t. I agree..

[@KennedyIvy]

Both would be him, just with different levels of inhibitions

[@brandondavis9016]

@@KennedyIvyobviously but you know what he means

[@BREEZYM6015]

I had to lose my son in order for me to realize that I had a drinking problem. It's been 8 years since my last drink and my life is so much better now. I live with the guilt of my actions everyday and continue to do my best to make amends to those I hurt. Me and my son have a great relationship now and we'll always be there to support each other.

[@furryplantsandcoins9070]

Congratulations

[@_cannabliss92]

As a mere KZbin stranger, I just want to tell you that I am SO proud of you! 🥳

[@BlackStump172]

Well done and keep going .🌸

[@liz9284]

I wish my mom would’ve been able to do that. It wasn’t even a question of forgiveness for what she has done to this point, I would gladly let all of it go, IF she would just be a mom now. I’m 48 years old and still feel like a little girl sometimes, desperate for her mother’s love. But I had to stop bc she wasn’t going to stop herself. So what I’m saying to you is this-try not to beat yourself up too much about the past, the fact that you’re sober NOW is the only thing you can control, and your son is grateful for your hard work I promise you. Idk how old he was when you were drinking, but if you were able to do this when he was younger, even better. If not, then I feel like you guys will still be ok. All I ever wanted was my mom’s presence, I didn’t need her to throw herself at my mercy or beg forgiveness. Hell, to be honest, the times she DID ask forgiveness (still drunk) I just felt like she was using me to feel better anyway, it meant nothing. You’ve done the hardest part, and what your son wanted most, and even though it’s not my place to be “proud” of you (bc it feels kinda condescending to be proud of someone you don’t even know, I guess), I’m truly happy for you, and I hope you take some pride in yourself for doing it. I just wanted to say that as an adult child who grew up surrounded by addiction, the fact that you can’t change the past may threaten to hold you back there, but trust me when I tell you that your son will only benefit from your presence in his life now, and that outweighs everything else in the end. Good job, and congratulations.

[@SD_Chosen]

Same sto for Me Exept I Have 5 kids and a Wife I hurt I'm my addictions...And I am 5 years clean now, And working through Healing and Making Amends the best way I know how...Asking God to Step I'm And Take over, and Fully restore our Relationship...Only a Miracle of God Can Do this, Because the hurt I Caused was deep Hurt, That doesn't heal overnight...Please Pray for Me...Taking things Day by Day 🙏🏽❤️🕊☝🏽

[@whiskeytangofoxtrot1986]

I can see why he doesn’t want to go to a bar or winery I mean DUH 😅 I quit smoking after a massive heart attack and cardiac arrest at THIRTY THREE YEARS OLD. I was a heavy smoker and I loved it. I had to change my whole life around…. Even down to drink hot coffee in the morning because I always had that and a smoke. No bars. I don’t even go to my friends or family’s houses that smoke inside. 🤮 my mom offers me designer purses and I won’t take them because they smell like smoke. I also had to finally leave the person I was with because he was bad for me… since then I’ve found my soulmate and I’m so much happier -and healthier! Maybe he needs to find someone who’s ok with not going to bars and wineries!

[@bobreed414]

She needs to give him time before he can handle temptation around him. Then he will be fine,

[@troisquarts3659]

If you only enjoy him at his worst....jokes aside, it's sad realizing that the fun personality you knew was actually a hurting person covering things up, and once they're comfortable with themselves they no longer have to hype themselves.

[@MS-sr6mj]

Just because an addict stops their addiction doesn't mean they are cured mentally.

[@troisquarts3659]

@@MS-sr6mj It's not necessarily about "cured mentally." Yeah, there can be abuse stuff. But I mean maybe someone was afraid of themselves and would either act really fun and bubbly to hide it, or drink. Then they get to a point where they can be their quiet selves and sober, and they're boring. Or they used to be quiet and compliant, drowning away insecurity, then they sober up and learn to stand up to you.

[@theworkingmanpodcast]

So he was fun when he was addicted😂now he’s boring. That’s what it sounds like🤦🏾‍♂️

[@sovemberneventh]

lol

[@BREEZYM6015]

I never would have quit drinking with her around if that's the case. 😂

[@boogerbrains138]

Nah this chick is having trouble controlling him now that he has a clear head

[@furryplantsandcoins9070]

I would like to know if she is an alcoholic as well because why would he be fun if she didn't drink too? And all the places that she goes like the winery serve alcohol! So I'm going to say she's an alcoholic and doesn't want to admit it! And because she doesn't want to give up her lifestyle he's boring!

[@Highlyguided40]

She sounds like an idiot

[@audreybaird007]

C'mon Dr. John, this was a couple who both drank. Now, husband has quit and she finds him no fun anymore...imagine that?

[@heather4089]

He needs to run out of there, I mean run the marathon or he will be back to drinking with a wife so unsupportive.

[@steelearmstrong9616]

Yes. She even hates him now for making a conscious healthy choice that will give him a better quality of life. He needs to leave her

[@jeanna7851]

He might also just be a dry drunk

[@user-zh5fh2li9u]

Because she associated alcohol = fun. This is a teenage mentality, and she needs to understand that he must remain sober.

[@darlenepaul2918]

Sounds like SHE doesnt want to live without alcohol!

[@bosstime2010]

How did you arrive at that? She didn’t even allude to that.

[@Oberon44]

@@bosstime2010 - it’s called deductive reasoning

[@magckmn01]

it sounds like she is also an alcoholic and doesnt know it.

[@iati6294]

I quit alcohol about 6 years ago, it did cause problems with my wife at first but now our relationship is great, She can drink and it’s cool. We do more activities that’s don’t have to be drinking. She needs to support the husband.

[@curlyhairdudeify]

She seems like a "party girl" that is having a fit that her drunk party friend sovered up. And really, her thing is "wine, wineries, bars, and pubs".

[@firefly9838]

She needs play things

[@curlyhairdudeify]

@@firefly9838 Yeap, funny how she doesn't say "I want to go hiking, to the lake, to the gym, etc".... Anywhere that doesn't involve her "fun things" (wine, wineries, bars, and pubs).

[@SD_Chosen]

I was on drugs badly, And had addictions since a Kid, And Shouldn't have gotten married, until I was ready, But my wife stuck by me through Abuse, Selfishness, Among other things...i owe it to God and to her To Make it work, since I've been clean for 5 Years...I Love my wife, But because of past hurts during my addictions, It's been hard for us to connect properly, especially dealing with healing from The Past trauma Everyday...Please Pray for Me🙏🏽...Don't know what to do, But I Love My Wife, And I Want to Work through Whatever we Have to, To Make it Work...Lord Have your Way, Your Will be Done 🙏🏽❤️🕊

[@hollytaylor6858]

n do it, with God's help!

[@BrendaBaBoom]

You escaped into marriage and functioned in it, albeit in a state of abusive, toxic addiction. Healing is hard, including connection to others …. even sober folk are subject to these difficulties. Pray for Peace. Amen 🙏🏽

[@SD_Chosen]

@@BrendaBaBoom I Actually Married Because I knew she was a Good Woman, And she Loved God, What I didn't know at the time is that we All Have our Flaws, And We All Are imperfect people who are trying our best to Love in the way we Know How...I Admit it wasn't her, I Was the Problem During my Addiction, And I Created the Anger, Hatred, Unforgiveness, Bitterness In my wife and Children, and for these Past Years Being Sober, I Realized the error of my Ways, But Still Have to deal with the results, And I Can't fix this on my Own..Asking God to Do A Miracle and Heal my Family and Forgive Me for the lifestyle I once Lived...I Desire a Healthy Healed and thriving Family...I Have been on my Knees Daily Praying for this...Even when it seems things are getting worse at times, And Some Days are Better than others, I Keep Hoping, And Keep My Faith Alive...Hard to get a Permanent Job for Years, Because of my Record, Hard to Provide for them in the Way I Want to, Asking for God to Step in and Turn things around, Like He is Famous for, and Make Our Life a Living Testimony of His Love and His Grace 🙏🏽❤️🕊☝🏽

[@mc-k6226]

Praying 🙏

[@Zinnie988]

She stuck by you in your downtime, now you will stick by her to help her figure things out with the new you. However, Don't make her your new addiction though! So you changed and you're a different person now. I suspect , that the 'addicted' sick you may have made her feel powerful like a hero who had a purpose and a game plan to help you. Now that you're 'cured', that purpose,( the job ) to fix you, is gone. Treat her nice , do well at your job, and celebrate and date her!🎉 Find a therapist to help you two along. ❤ 😊

[@butterflyygyrlsworld5106]

What about the movies, beach, plays, travel, concerts put put golf…the list is very long of things to do without drinking. Fun things to enjoy together without hubby being tempted. Plus, staying home and spending time just chilling with each other. He probably needs counseling to deal with who he is now, without alcohol. They need marriage counseling to help with staying together with the new him and to help her deal too.

[@aquababy5]

The issue is there are options for alcohol at basically all of those venues. He probably isn’t very confident about his ability to stay away from temptation?

[@MikaComments]

Unfortunately consistent alcohol abuse can bring on a permanent changes in brain like changes in personality.

[@KatieDeGo]

So, if alcoholics don't get actual treatment for the issues/trauma that caused them to drink, and they quit drinking, they're just a dry drunk. Same behavior minus the alcohol.

[@joywebster2678]

And dry drunks are NO Fun.

[@leedolian4482]

Exactly. I am 8 - 9 years sober and getting sober was the easy part. Dealing with life and your demons without your comfort drinking is the hardest part.

[@oldgeezer2780]

Ohhhhhhohoho- I worked with one of those. Not drinking but every single thing going poorly in his life was someone else's fault.

[@arktom7335]

My apologies for bringing up some different but i need an enlightenment about crypto and any recommendations on an expert that can guide me to generate good profits

[@dorathystephanie7702]

As a beginner, it's essential for you to have a mentor that is verified by finra and SEC to keep you accountable. I'm guided by a widely known financial consultant Stacey Macken

[@robertgreg6009]

Wow, I'm supprised Stacey Macken is being mention here. I started off with 5K.... Now with massive portfolio highly recommended...

[@KamranKhalil-br6dk]

I'm proudly a beneficiary 💯 Thanks to my co-worker (John) who suggested Ms Stacey Macken..

[@AIIG-zd5dx]

I met Stacey Macken at a conference in 2018 and we have been working together ever since.

[@x0cat711]

Her reputation already speak for her $ 150K last Month.

[@neisci]

Staying with addicts it's an unrewarded task. When will people learn! Let them fight their battles and return to you when they are healed( if you are still available). Addicts are not themselves when engaging in their addiction, and when they sober up, either you don't like them, or they dont like you. A tale as old as time.

[@boogerbrains138]

You're just as selfish as this chick

[@Britty0189]

He was such a drunk he had to pick Valentine’s Day to get married so he’d never forget his anniversary 🤣

[@dennischiapello7243]

If he forgot, she would at least get a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

[@BREEZYM6015]

He should have picked Friday the 13th. 😂

[@heather4089]

😂😂😂

[@heather4089]

@@BREEZYM6015lol😂

[@truthreigns3465]

So says another ones of satans daughters

[@phyllis9750]

The first year is brutal. Then you have to re-learn everything. He's still in shock. So are you. Talk to someone. It gets better.

[@hunnymilk-brunch5117]

she's already checked out and looking for jon to green light her decision to divorce

[@bradleysmith3963]

I was a heavy drinker for 23 years and got sober at age 44, even though I’m glad I don’t drink anymore, I realized my life is quite boring now. I picked up cooking as a hobby but I must say I am not the same person anymore, not as much fun but also have more patience

[@anneshirley9560]

To be fair. Being an adult is mostly " boring" it happens to all of us. I've never been an alcoholic though, so maybe I'm just used to not having the extreme high and low emotions. I feel pretty content. You can still travel and have adventures, and do fun things, but I think it slows down for everyone as we grow older.

[@joywebster2678]

I wrote elsewhere, the couple needs new interests, making ?jam preserves or semi precious rock collection and polishing, whatever. My alcoholic f.i.l. found great solace in sobriety doing all the cleaning and chopping and mushing, mangling for my m.i.l's Jams, and preserves we all loved. He was strong enough, and he liked the companionship. He then would go do his own woodwork refinishing. But he learned that solely doing day after day alone drove him back to drink. So a compromise and he succeeded.

[@mmp495]

Sobriety is wonderful! You have more energy, clarity and you’re seeing and living life as your authentic self. It can be uncomfortable and terrifying too. Definitely they need support and therapy for guidance. She needs to get that idea out of her head about going to wineries, bars, pub, etc There are far better things and places to explore and experience

[@MH_Prof]

Happens all the time. When one spouse quits even detrimental behavior, the dynamics change and things do not necessarily get better.

[@UnstoppableMorgan]

John should stop taking calls that have to do with alcohol. His inexperience on the topic screams through his advice.

[@daisy9910]

He needs therapy yesterday. He needs it for the long haul. They need couples therapy too.

[@heather4089]

That marriage was over years ago.

[@mardigrasbeads]

@@heather4089 Yeah, she sounds like she has one foot out the door.

[@spiderleenie]

I think he needs a lawyer and a permanent vacation from her.

[@AnonymousGameWarden]

Bahahaha I think he's just fine... sounds like she called in because she needs therapy.

[@Spiritbomb88]

She needs therapy more like it.

[@spiderleenie]

The wife seems to only care about her demands rather than showing the empathy of how hard it is to go out and avoid alcohol. I'm VERY curious to ask this lady how much SHE drinks. I also think she's gross about bringing up the "conspiracy theory" thing ... She brought this up AFTER Dr. John called out her missteps in the marriage.

[@SamEfDee]

The conspiracy theories are an important thing though no? If a partner suddenly turned into a loon around your kids, you've got every right to have concerns.

[@user-he1lt3fo9p]

@@SamEfDeeyes it’s definitely important but she brought it up when he was being critical of her. If it’s a huge deal she didn’t she bring it up right away?

[@trixie9777]

She wants him to go to wineries after he quit drinking?! She’s so selfish.

[@joywebster2678]

She wants a responsible drinker for a husband. He can't be that. So they need to find new interests. Finding " rocks", or something active with learning for both.

[@VanityDivined]

It shows her character that she’s more upset about politics than her husband being a drunk. She made it seem like it was about their relationship, but it’s actually about the prepper/conspiracy stuff. She’s being very selfish and resisting any advice he gave

[@growing.grounds4054]

I caught that too !!!

[@katie0303]

I wouldn't last 5 minutes with a conspiracy theorist believer.

[@spiderleenie]

I think the timing in which she brought it up makes her look bad too, imo. Dr. John was in the middle of telling her what she could do better in her marriage, and then she shifted that focus back to her husband without really acknowledging what the doctor was saying about her. Red flag.

[@suen5006]

That conspiracy crap is intense. I would have a hard time being married to that. That's not really politics if he's making plans to escape to the back woods and acting paranoid. That's just insanity.

[@sarahjaye4117]

@@suen5006Not really paranoia these days

[@brendaleverick3655]

The husband should go in for therapy. He may decide at the end of it, that he no longer wants to be married to her. She should encourage him to go to therapy, even if a divorce results.

[@williamyoste2812]

First thing, any sober man knows you can’t trust the government!!! Second. These two need to go sit w a therapist.

[@heather4089]

That marriage was done long time ago, he was hiding his unhappiness behind the alcoholism.

[@chilloften]

It’s so hard to converse with those who want to live in oblivion. Instead they sit and call you a conspiracy theorist because you don’t like how the government comes up with new & more ways to steal from you.

[@liz9284]

I imagine it would be hard for ppl living with a recovering alcoholic who is just trying to control their environment bc they had been so out of control before. I hope these two can get to know each other all over again.

[@melomodiba4919]

Having struggled with reckless drinkers all my life, I never thought I'd see a title that says "our marriage got worse when he quit drinking". This is life and we learn hey.

[@brandonm1881]

How do you end a sentence with the word "hey"?

[@melomodiba4919]

@@brandonm1881 I'm from South Africa, that's the best response I can give you hey.

[@eurekahope5310]

I do wonder if the wife "needs" alcohol to enjoy life so now he cramps her style? I could be very wrong, but she mentions that social drinking was a big part of their lives (going to bars).

[@sexygabby30]

@@eurekahope5310she also mentioned the distance from whole family… this isn’t of just her this is a problem.

[@Myglowtips]

I come from such a violent, dysfunctional family that if it were not for channels such as this one and men like Dr John, I would have had absolutely no idea, how amazing communication can be and, how one can communicate. I am so very grateful. For me, it’s too late I’ve made too many mistakes but for the future youth, this kind of access to invaluable information, will surely open a completely different future for them. Knowledge is power if used correctly.

[@therapywithisabel]

It's never too late. 🙏🏻

[@elizabethtaylor8622]

She’s a drinker and is resentful that he won’t do it with her anymore. Good god, people! There’s more to life than a bottle of whine. And yeah, that’s not a spelling error. She needs help

[@tentrickspony8925]

What do you do when your own wife doesn't want better for you😮

[@kitkat9655]

Where did you hear that.?

[@trixie9777]

@@kitkat9655through the whole phone call! She’s selfish & wants him to go to bars & wineries!

[@katie0303]

She just doesn't want him sitting home watching TV all the time.

[@mariamedina7177]

​@@katie0303So you think wanting to take him a recovering addict to where their addiction lies is a good thing?

[@Aa88900]

Imagine you getting sober then your wife pouting about you not going to wineries

[@liz9284]

Honestly, I get the feeling (as I do with a majority of calls like this) that the last thing-in this case, the “conspiracy theories”-is THE issue the caller can’t get past. What I hope she doesn’t do is allow her own biases about “conspiracy theories”, since EVERYTHING that goes against what a politician or a news anchor says these days qualifies as one of those, to be dismissive. She can keep him in the lines, but she can only do that if she can separate what’s going too far and what’s feasible. Otherwise, she will just send him “underground” where he stops telling her all this stuff, THEN it becomes a problem. It sounds to me like she’s dismissing all of it as CT when, in reality, he could be talking about valid things she just chooses not to believe. I agree with not scaring the kids, of course, but my husband and I discuss “conspiracy theories” all the time (I’m far more conspiratorial, skeptical, and distrustful than he is, but he knows why I feel the way I do and understands it), and we each push back on each other. We have achieved a balance. I can’t imagine how I would feel if he “limited” my conversations though. I also wouldn’t dream of imposing a limit on his talking about his motorcycles. I listen, I ask questions, and I remember details I can bring up later to make sure he KNOWS I’m listening. Him doing that with me is why I don’t feel the need to talk ONLY about that which is bothering me-when he listens to me and adds to the conversation. Idk, I could be wrong, but I feel like that’s her major hang up here, the “conspiracy theories”, and if she’s looking down on him bc he believes certain things, that’s going to be a problem.

[@maryy8902]

The first year of sobriety their energy levels are down read up as mutch as you you can about sobriety it takes time for him to get well have patience

[@AllenAlchemyTTV]

There is such a thing as being a "dry drunk", aka you're off the sauce but you're still deeply damaged, afflicted with poor coping skills, emotionally unavailable, secretive, whatever else. I'd want to know how active he is in any recovery program, 12 Step or otherwise, because they really get into how you manage life after you've been able to put the bottle down for 30, 60, 500 days. Being a dry drunk doesn't mean you'll inevitably relapse, though if they notice their life and relationships are still awful, but a "different" awful, its very likely. You can die with 20 years of sobriety and still be a miserable asshole.

[@KrisInLove]

It’s hilarious these things are still called conspiracy theories when almost all of them have come true the last four years… this lady needs to trust her husbands knowledge of the gov or leave him and let him find someone who gets it.

[@NavyVetE5]

What I see is a woman that in a lot of ways was in control when her husband was drunk all the time. So now he's not drinking and he's trying to figure out his new identity. The landscape has changed. He needs to figure things out. You may not like what he now likes. Instead of complaining why not encourage him.

[@SummerOfMayhem]

No one who ever lived with an alcoholic is in charge. It is the ultimate feeling of being powerless.

[@joane24]

She's seeking help, otherwise she wouldn't call. It's easy to say "just encourage him instead of complaining" but if for years you've been fulfilling certain role in the relationship, it's not that easy to adjust to change. Also, he's not the only vulnerable person here who needs special care (encouragement, space, figuring himself out, etc.), but his whole family that has been victimized by his drinking, also needs that care and help with figuring out the new situation and one's role in the family system.

[@VanityDivined]

@@joane24I had a friend with an alcoholic father who quit very late. He was a nice drunk. So yes it is possible that she’s used to controlling him

[@hollytaylor6858]

She liked him better as a drunk, what does that tell you? She misses the socialization scene, he can't be around it anymore. My marriage was similar, for the first 13 years. My husband would go to a wedding, but didn't want to stay at the reception, after the food was served, so we left. it was too tempting for him. When your under the influence of a drug, you ignore the world's dangers, now he sees it. My hubby watched a lot of Happy good time tv shows. escapism. I would rather he did that than drink. I got used of running the house alone, then I had to learn to include him. we both had to change. I started saying... The kids and I are going camping at a local lake, you can come if you want, but we are going to have fun. He would go complaining, then have a great time. Lost him 2 years ago. First 13 years were rough, second 13 better and the last 22 were very good. We raised a good family. You can work it out!

[@kristinlarsen9575]

If you’ve ever lived with an addict you’d know it’s the addict who’s in charge and runs everything. They are incapable of anything else.

[@sarafletch]

Sounds like he has quit alcohol but isn’t actually sober. This is why working the 12 steps after alcoholism is so important. The things the alcoholic is trying to block out are still very much living inside of them, regardless of active drinking or not.

[@Jessica-rf7lv]

Agree, he sounds like a dry drunk.

[@sarafletch]

@@Jessica-rf7lv for sure, shocked this wasn’t mentioned

[@truthbetold6942]

It sounds like he might be white knuckling it. He needs a good therapist. He also might be dealing with undiagnosed depression and/or anxiety, which is why he started drinking in the first. He probably was self medicating.

[@curiousobserver4525]

I just did not like John's perspective on this one. He actually said that the husbands new friends dont have a grip on reality. It could be argued that people who just want to do mundane things every day while the world burns around them are out of touch. Too many people are self-soothing with minutiae. Its so typical that the wife thinks she's levelled up, yet she has no compassion for her husband, no willingness to support his interests and growth, and just wants everyone to dance to her music. Sounds to me like she's on the same level, just with a bigger vocab...

[@stillpril8942]

Yes!

[@thatsthejobbb8587]

I work at a members club and one of our members who's in his 80's, seperated from his wife of 60years due to her beliefs around the COVID jab! He said she got in to "conspiracies", he didnt and she left him! He tells me now how it's all awkward when he goes to collect their grandchildren from her. How sad is that?!

[@merricat3025]

Poor guy hope she doesn't infect her grandchildren with conspiracy theories

[@VanityDivined]

The “conspiracy” that it doesn’t work and has unknown side effects? Maybe he should stop being a fool and get back with her lmao

[@whiskeytangofoxtrot1986]

@@VanityDivinedright!

[@thatsthejobbb8587]

@@VanityDivined wholeheartedly agree! I said to him I'm not sure I'm the right one to talk to on this😅 and grabbed my older colleague😂 I'm lucky my partner and I are like minded but he now comes down every Friday for a chat and he's so depressed, it's so sad to think this broke up a 60year marriage😔

[@dianasmith8248]

My family member had to get it to keep their job. Got the J&J one because it was only one shot, and then it was pulled because it was causing blood clots and lo and behold they now have blood clots. They also said they have talked to other people who have gotten the other shots who are mysteriously developing things that are apparently becoming common with these shots. I believe all of these people are under 50 as well. My family member is under 40.

[@shivvypoppy]

Sounds like her husband has a MASSIVE amount of anxiety that he needs to work through and get medicated for.

[@spiderleenie]

Sounds to me that the wife is part of the source of that anxiety. She's putting the entire marriage on his shoulders and taking no accountability of what she could do better. And any time Dr. John put the focus on her, she'd steer the conversation right back to blaming her husband.

[@sarahjaye4117]

Some of the medicines make it far worse in the lomg run or have bad se*ual side effects but yeah maybe or a good therapist

[@ATLcentury334]

Too many families are being torn apart these days. It’s all so sad.

[@dustyguadian7570]

So she got mad at his drinking and told him to quit . And now that he’s sober he’s no fun? He probably drinking because of her. She sounds just like my ex wife , it’s all about her and what she wants to do and be popular among her girlfriends . Leave her bro! Promise you

[@countcoupblessings979]

Choosing to check out on your kids and your wife for 2 yrs is a BIGGER issue. He has to choose to be in the family & marriage . She's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

[@trixie9777]

She wants him to go to wineries & bars! How selfish!

[@SamEfDee]

​@@trixie9777He also doesn't go on vacations with the family too. Outside of going to wineries. He's also a conspiracy theorist.

[@whirledpeas5717]

AL-Anon could be a place for her to get support through this very challenging time. Her story is so common. I say this with caring, not judgement.

[@magckmn01]

you cant have good memories if he quit drinking, you didnt quit drinking. you keep drinking, stop drinking yourself.. see what happens. shes not dragging him.. she keeps looking for reasons to drink. why is she not looking at that situation? shes completely in denial.

[@sleepyjoe1685]

He's struggling to adjust. All his old friends are cut out of his life because they drink. He has no new friends. It's so hard to find a good friend who doesn't drink.

[@E-C_961]

I hope they come back together stronger than ever! Also I wanted to say that being aware of the state of our government/economy isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's smart to pay attention and be prepared. Like my parents always said, "plan for the worst, hope for the best". It's a good piece of wisdom. Being prepared for disaster, aware of your surroundings, and doing bug-out drills are all just part of what makes a man a man. They are our natural protectors. Our husbands are just trying to keep us safe. They love us and the kids. Sometimes it's best to just meet them in the middle. I have preparation supplies up the wazoo and I'm a woman. Nothing wrong with that! Hope everyone has a good day! God speed.

[@tabethameeks2978]

Seems like she wants their dates to revolve around alcohol

[@IFBBProYeo]

18:57 I like that. If you want to be a "prepper", do the physical stuff too 💪🏼 Not just stuffing bags (that can never be stuffed enough) & reading articles 😉

[@Cheekybanana]

Isn’t this what they call a dry drunk? Alcohol is gone but without AA or psychological help they are the same broken person just without alcohol.

[@stevezelaznik5872]

I didn’t get any of those vibes from the call. She didn’t mention anything about his temper or short fuse.

[@Cheekybanana]

@@stevezelaznik5872 not all dry drunks act the same but what they do have in common is that the underlying issues that caused them to drink in the first place are still present and not being dealt with.

[@Cheekybanana]

@@stevezelaznik5872 “The “dry drunk” individual, though abstinent from alcohol, continues to exhibit many of the same behaviors and attitudes they had while actively addicted. These may include negativity, isolation, restlessness, and unease, as well as other harmful patterns of thought and behavior typically associated with active addiction.”

[@Meggiebeth19]

This couple needs counseling. The husband needs therapy for his trauma when he was a child and the alcoholism he used as a coping mechanism. I hope that they both seek professional counseling. The Couple's Cards may help but the problem is deeper and needs addressing.

[@BlackStump172]

I wouldn’t be boasting that I had something in common with a drunk ! Nor that I take my kids out with the fear hanging over them , that they might need to evacuate a restaurant because of violence . Scary .

[@scratch57]

she's too immature for marriage. she thinks its purpose is to provide amusement and pleasure for her. she's not a serious minded person and instead only finds fulfillment in pursuing pleasant experiences and thrills. she won't be able to spend 5min discussing her husband's thoughts and will dismiss it all as boring and stupid.

[@clairethompson2595]

wondering if she is still drinking and expects him to sit and watch her enjoying the one thing he craves but is desperztely trying to conquer? WHEN I gave up alcohol it took a long time before I could handle being in the same room with booze every social event place and occasion involves drinking.

[@codyrichardson6348]

So she is upset her husband is training their kids to be able to be self sufficient? There's ways they can bond and enjoy dad time learning survival skills that's beautiful.

[@cyrenedomogalla5127]

Survival skills AND conspiracy theories. If he becomes too disconnected from reality that time could be really unhealthy for kids. Bug out bags for a maybe natural disaster vs "impending social collapse" are not the same emotional inputs

[@sanniepstein4835]

@@cyrenedomogalla5127 People do conspire. It's normal human behavior. That doesn't mean any given theory is true, but to dismiss evidence of wrongdoing just because someone, perhaps with a vested interest, labeled it a "conspiracy theory", is thick headed.

[@codyrichardson6348]

@@cyrenedomogalla5127 as someone who's dad was a workaholic I would have traded no time for conspiracy theory survivalist who actually seen his dad and bonded over learning skills even if said skills are undeeded

[@jordanwhitson699]

Instead of celebrating her husband’s victory she wishes he was still a drunk because he was “more fun” give me a break… this women is self centered as can be.

[@deeanna8448]

She had an image of what life would be like with a sober husband and it didn't happen. She has a right to mourn that. He has lost his means of coping with his pain and that is impacting how he interacts and contributes to the family. She has a right to feel distress over that. That isn't self centered.

[@kristinlarsen9575]

She doesn’t wish he was still drunk, she’s stating that at least when he was drinking he liked to spend time with the family. Now he ignores all of them except for when he’s peddling his QANON b.s. and scaring the kids.

[@scratch57]

she's too immature for marriage. she thinks its purpose is to provide amusement and pleasure for her.

[@loganjackson675]

@@scratch57yup. There’s a reason mature people don’t marry their drinking buddies

[@kekejefferson9219]

Wow, she learned the real him and got bored.

[@bayareacali]

I've been sobered for over a year, and it gets lonely sometimes. It's hard to hang out with family and friends that like to drink. I'm just now feeling them anymore. I feel like a different person, my priorities have changed. It's lonely but peaceful. I'm single, this must be hard when married. God Bless.

[@Stranger_Than_Fiction299]

How old was he when he started? Seems like many addicts freeze their psychological dwvelopment once addiction takes hold of them. I hope this wife helps her husband find positive coping mechanisms to replace his addiction.

[@DeRone22]

I was the same. I used to drink and would want to go out, hang out with friends, etc etc. I got sober and all i wanna do i stay home... could also be cause im depressed lmao though i do take antidepressants. My point is, people do change when they stop drinking. I understand she's different from whom he is now but it sounds like they were doing everything she liked when he was drinking so maybe she could act like her vows matter and agree to stay home and make it fun. Yall can order food, have movie marathons, chocolate tasting, have quiet time, so many things they could do... she needs to be there for him now, he's gonna be depressed, sad, angry, annoyed, etc, she needs to be there for him.

[@katrpotatr3320]

Having a "go bag" sounds crazy until the fire department is knocking on the door telling you to evacuate. Healthy preparedness people would rather be seen as crazy than actually have something bad happen.

[@michellegrovak]

He is a dry drunk and is not in recovery.

[@royh2618]

wow. The caller just explained my marriage, minus the drinking. I was the home body, my ex wanted to go out and do things. We just were not compatible.

[@quickdraw9648]

I know I should have heard a lot more than I did, but I'm sorry, an hour a week on video games??? what was the point of buying the console or tablet if they play a grand total of 52 hours a year??? that's not even 3 days of play time a year! If you limit them that much then cut the box and get rid of games all together.

[@thatsthejobbb8587]

14 & 12 year old (teens) and you're sad he's not drunk play wrestling with them?

[@sarahmcdonald9624]

This!

[@whiskeytangofoxtrot1986]

She’s delusional af!

[@wufflerdance9481]

as a mormon...its hilariois listening to people who think the fun is gone without alcohol.....even most weddings ive been to didnt have it...its just a drink...its not life

[@E-C_961]

I definitely applaud him and anyone who built up the courage to quit drinking. I don't know what it is, but every social event I've been to where there wasn't some form of alcohol was quiet (Not very talkative) and people were almost like stiff and awkward. I think alcohol just loosens people up and changes their attitude. But that doesn't change the fact that it's bad for you and your health and it shouldn't be used as a coping mechanism. That just makes things worse.

[@wufflerdance9481]

@@E-C_961 thats just people being uncomfortable at a event around people they dont know well which is normal...alcohol does not fun make....makes people stupid and too talkative instead of meeting people and opening up as appropriate...Oie been to some gatherings so loud and noisy it was rediculous and ive been to things where pepple barely talked ans both were non drinking evwnts of the same kind. My 2 cousins who had alcohol at their weddings were embarressing after a hour they were tipsy and saying and doing weird stuff while the rest of us stood around embarressed and trying ro find a way put of the suddenly drunken party without offending...plus we like to party wothpit losing pur memory and doing stupid crap...also less chances of being roofied or other type of things in a lemonade or sparkling drink

[@HappilyFureverAfterFarm]

John missed a huge thing here. She’s grieving. They both are. They have alcohol memories where it was fun and can’t figure out how to have new fun where there’s no social anxiety for him which comes when you stop drinking. They need to do family game nights, find some free museums, go to the movies or go for walks together. My husband is in recovery and we’ve been married 17 years. When I realized I couldn’t drink as well it was really difficult for me. She needs al anon asap and he needs a really good sponsor.

[@selah5792]

John missed the absolute nightmare it is to lose someone to that dark world of conspiracy- it destroys you to watch someone you love get brainwashed like that and its so lonely. Also, most people in that world think you are ‘duped’ if you arent so not only is it heartbreaking but its cruel.

[@G3.9-6]

He’s not attracted to her now that he has a clear mind. I felt the same way when I sobered up.

[@limeOjello]

Some of you guys are so mean. She wants him to spend time with his family and he’s a couch potato

[@katie0303]

Exactly.

[@redpillfreedom6692]

No, she only saw him as a drinking buddy. Now she finds him boring because he's not getting wasted anymore. That's her problem.

[@limeOjello]

@@redpillfreedom6692 It’s a “her” problem that her husband sits around like lump and doesn’t engage with anyone?

[@l3hxy]

dude packed emergency backpacks for the kids and this person took it as a personal attack

[@loganjackson675]

This is why you should spend time with friends and significant others doing hobbies that don’t revolve around drinking. Plenty of times I’ve dated people and only realized after a few months that I only found them very interesting when drinking and/or the only things we had in common had to do with alcohol. Seems like the same thing happened here except it went on for a 15 year marriage instead of a few months of dating. There’s a reason most people don’t/shouldn’t marry their drinking buddies.

[@radkat888]

When I stopped using alcohol as a crutch I had so many emotional issues that hit me that I had been numbing. All the emotions you try to ignore hit you at once. Not to mention if someone asked me to go to a winery or bar with them it would feel kind of like a sick joke…. I’m grateful my fiancé was by my side through all of the ups and downs in becoming sober.

[@rositafanning7140]

Define “ conspiracy “……

[@denisesalles7248]

Analogies and platitudes. She is saying she's not interested in being married anymore - she's lost her energy.

[@benjaminperez6620]

This is a frequent occurrence when a drunk stops drinking.

[@Rouge1292]

The interest to reconnect is there and that is all you need. A healthy marriage is one hell of a challenge to get right.

[@iandouglas4992]

I think she's the problem, she got too used to being the 'good one' she could always feel superior before

[@MW-lw2fc]

The alcoholic you married is not the sober person you're living with. I've been there and it didn't work for me. Been divorced over 10 years now. It became too difficult to reach someone that I no longer have anything in common with. Sending you lots of positivity and love. I hope you can figure this out

[@ChiCityLady]

The guy quit drinking so he lost most of his friends because they still drank. He made new friends, but they're the conspiracy kind. He also sounds like he had a personality change. The caller said he quit drinking two years ago. Her issue isn't really that he stopped drinking. It's that he's avoiding therapy, picked up a negative group of friends, and it sounds like he's no longer involved much with his kids and spending time with them.

[@sallyspits]

One of the reasons I drank is because it makes me a more fun, charismatic, and generous person. It's a sucky reality of alcohol. Sober me is quieter and desires more time alone. I am more motivated to work out and be healthy but I am much less sociable. I'd still rather be sober.

[@zeal4god402]

Sounds like he needs a higher purpose now since the alcohol just kept him distracted from dealing with him