Our Story: How We Overcame the Challenges of Co-Parenting After Divorce

[@15armygal]

"We have a stewardship of our kids, not ownership of our kids." Boom. Spot on. Perfect. I needed that reminder. Thank you!

[@trinaq]

I love how honest you are about your divorce, Jonathan and Alicia, and continue to work as a team, and put your children first.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

As an attorney, I would say the biggest issue in coparenting currently is women needing to accept that children need ONE healthy parent more than they need two unhealthy parents in the home. So many mothers are forced by courts and society to keep unsafe fathers around their children because of the guilt and the stigma of being a single mother. The court's bias that 'a relationship with both parents is always preferable' leads to loss of life.

[@HH_The_Great]

As an attorney, you should know that mothers are just as capable of being the harmful,unsafe parent, and recognize that the courts favor mothers disproportionately.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

@@HH_The_Great Oh, so fun fact! They don't 🙂 When men ask for custody, they get it granted more than women do. Family court, like all courts, is biased in favor of men.

[@florentinalestaru7273]

​​@@HH_The_Greatjust a thought here - maybe his statement comes from the experiences he's had.. of course your point is completely valid, i just am unsure if this persons input was implying only men can be abusive.

[@austin-ez]

​​@@HH_The_Greatthe idea that courts favor mothers is a pretty common myth. In reality, the reason mothers are more likely to get custody is that in many cases, fathers don't even bother asking/fighting for it. In cases when a father does go after custody, courts actually tend to favor the father. Even in cases of documented abuse. A women who reports abuse is statistically more likely to *lose* custody.

[@MudLusciousSteph]

@@HH_The_Great This is a myth. I am a clinician who has worked more than 13 years in community mental health in Massachusetts, a very liberal state. I’ve witnessed children who were required to spend time with their abusive fathers who were openly using cocaine in front of them, or exposing them to inappropriate sexual situations; believe me when I say the harm done to these children is long lasting. I have clinician friends whose children were required to spend time with their abusive fathers, who grew up to be young adults who struggle with chronic suicidality TO THIS DAY. Our legal system protects the parental rights of abusive fathers over the safety of their children, even in liberal Massachusetts, a reflection of the fact that our legal system is based on British common law that defined children and women as property of men. Probate and family court do not see intimate partner violence (IPV) by one parent against another as a reason to restrict custody, despite *overwhelming evidence* that parents who are abusive towards their partners and ex-partners also put their own children at risk. Of course women are capable of abusing their partners and children; no one is disputing this. However, the harm is disproportionately committed by men, whose custody rights continue to be protected by courts. Depending on the state, a rape victim may be required to share custody with their rapist. Here’s how parental rights for rapist vary by state: www.mylifetime.com/movies/you-cant-take-my-daughter/articles/how-parental-rights-for-rapists-vary-by-state#:~:text=No%20Legal%20Provision&text=The%20only%20state%20in%20the,retain%20parental%20rights%20is%20Minnesota.

[@shyeendavi]

Co parenting doesn't work when there have been threats by the other parent, or bad mouthing to the children about the other parent. I wish more topics of parallel parenting were talked about. This a beautiful example of coparenting but not always possible and boundaries are important.

[@blackmarkt2250]

Thanks for sharing you how to model being an adult in relationships for us and your children💞

[@krys1888]

I can only echo a lot of what was said here. I've been in a co-parenting situation for nearly seven years now and it has only worked this long because of proper boundaries, a mutual respect, and a belief and agreement that we're doing not only what is best for the children but also for ourselves - and sometimes that last bit is the most difficult. It hasn't been easy, we don't always agree, it's been an ongoing maturing process, and will continue to be so for years to come hopefully, with all new challenges I'm sure. It takes work, and it takes communicating, and it takes compromises, and it takes understanding.

[@MendedLight]

Absolutely! What has helped you the most in getting to a point where y'all are on the same page? 💜

[@llouie4999]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I also like the framing of parents are stewards as a way to think about the parent child relationship

[@brittanywilcox7377]

Alicia, i am glad you were able to vocalize the struggle with control you have. I hope both you and Jonno are in trauma informed therapy. I remember feeling very put off by the series you guys had regarding how you parent your children. It came across as militant and controlling. I am glad you both were able to realize your children deserved better.❤

[@mercyhouse1]

I agree

[@nessiebwur]

Thank you for this video. I am currently going through a similar situation, so this was really helpful!! I definitely want to work together for the betterment of my kid!!!

[@mamibrain]

I may be the only one here but what's hard about co-parenting (especially with a "difficult" person) for me is the constant "in benefit of the child" approach. Laws and society at large only talks about "what's best for the child". But I was in this relationship before the child came along. I'm the one with the wounds and the healing ahead. How co-parenting affects ME is never discussed. It's always about the child. And yes, they are not to blame for their parents mistakes but one day, they will leave us and I will stay alone with all the work ahead of me. Shouldn't we include how co-parenting affects the actual parents in the conversation? Ultimately, if the co-parenting relationship is somewhat destructive for the parents, it would affect the children at some point anyway.

[@florentinalestaru7273]

absolutely.. i don't think you can't really separate these things nor should you.. but I personally don't exactly know how one can handle it so that all people involved are cared for.. Thinking about what Jono and Alicia shared in their videos, if i remember correctly, they were able to sort through most of their stuff before bringing it to their children (if i understood right). Of course they were lucky to have open, supportive partners in each other through this.. If that isn't the case, I can imagine there is almost no way but go through it.. and learn how you can best deal with it as you go..

[@rosalindmorland6842]

There's another important co-parent that is never talked about either. The step-parent. The parent that comes into the relationship and takes their partner's kids on as their own. But they are often disregarded and forgotten. Bio parents need to remember they are also co-parenting with step-parents, and include them in decisions and communication.

[@jimobrien6903]

This is reallly great, thanks for sharing!

[@HH_The_Great]

Well, this is nosy, but here goes. Alicia's son from her prior marriage has always been and still is a part of your blended family. Does your parenting plan and court order include parenting time with him for Jono? If not, do you informally manage to work that out?

[@swatisaini6447]

The son is already 18+ so no custody issue there

[@MendedLight]

He's 18. I said "I still want to be in your life and I want you in mine." He said, "cool, me too." And we're good.

[@johnsonjj117]

That is so unnecessarily convoluted. So she was unable to get two marriages to “work” and now have kids from each? Yeah, no chance any of those kids have issues stemming from this mess.

[@Saalach-Spiele]

Ok so you represent two adults divorcing, fine, good for you, must be hard. Could you elaborate what to do when divorcing a narcissist? Not as in "selfish person" but as in "I'll go out of my way to make your life miserable", including the kids as collateral. Coparenting with that, please. Help. Yes, healing my wounds and be my person instead of reacting to stuff, but the heaps of garbage in front of my door keep coming and I'm running out of space to put it away so the new neighbours can get to their door.

[@Alex-ki1yr]

🍀🍀

[@midnightcoalexpress]

That was mine and my husband’s situation. Almost broke our relationship and marriage because she was such a difficult person

[@Saalach-Spiele]

@@midnightcoalexpress Almost? Wow. Well, we already divorced. Everyone said then it's gonna improve, but it just keeps getting worse

[@midnightcoalexpress]

@@Saalach-Spiele luckily the kids were 12 (almost 13), 15 (almost 16), and 18 (almost 19) when we got together. And when my step daughter turned 17 and she was able to drive and really decide who and where she wanted to be with we cut all contact with his ex

[@Ladiestudy]

I can’t describe how sad I am. My bf and me have the exact personalities you two have… watching your previous videos set up so much hope in my heart, knowing that despite our differences we still could make this relationship type work. Now knowing you’re divorced, something in me just shattered

[@florentinalestaru7273]

i could feel what you're saying reading the comment because I've been there myself in my last relationship - seeing and feeling things were not quite right between us but wishing so much it work out and constantly fearing it wouldn't. In that situation it was very hard for me to be able to look what was going on "in the face". After going through it, the hard way - refusing to accept things, etc, I've come to understand some valuable lessons. I don't expect the next time to be less intense feelingwise, should it again be a case of incompatibility, but I expect I will be less fearful to let go of a situation that I see is not right. Going through it made me understand how unhealthy it will ultimately be to try to fit yourselves in a situation that is not right for either of you. It taught me to accept that situations like these exist in life - you can wish for smth immensely and that thing is not right for you; two people can be attracted to each other but incompatible. The way you choose to take in a relationship I think it ultimately and almost inevitably is the path you need to take to learn what you need to learn. I hope that at the end of the journey you're going to come out having learned smth about yourself and maybe having healed smth.

[@Ladiestudy]

@@florentinalestaru7273 wow! Thanks so much for taking your time to type up this comment. It truly made me reflect on my current relationship ❤️ I hope someday I will gain clarity like you have through out your journey, regardless of whether I choose to let go or not. Best wishes to you ❤️

[@ElliciaDawn]

One thing to remember is you two aren't them. Yes, they're divorced, but that doesn't mean it will be the same for you and your boyfriend. If you do get divorced in the future you can learn from Jonathan and Alicia in how to handle it. For now, remember that you're not necessarily going to go through the same thing. I had to remind myself of the same thing when I looked at the relationships my siblings and parents have. I had to remind myself that just because so many of them are toxic doesn't mean mine would be, and mine isn't. So, don't give up hope. It could work. It's just going to take the two of you working together.

[@Ladiestudy]

@@ElliciaDawn you are so right ! Thanks very much for your advice 🥹

[@ElliciaDawn]

@@Ladiestudy No problem. I went through it myself, and still have my moments, so I'm happy to help.

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

I've a question: when you folks say you've done the work (recently), have you done it in therapy (either individual or couple's therapy) or on your own (in interaction with each other)?

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

P.S. I know you said you've arrived at the conclusion that you want a friendship and I respect that. It's more for my curiosity.

[@mercyhouse1]

Yes

[@beepbopboop3221]

I'm confused about the living situation. Doesn't separation period in most states require that a couple not be living together? It seems to me like it's not a separation if the couple is roommates during the separation period.

[@HH_The_Great]

They haven't said they were living together.

[@beepbopboop3221]

@@HH_The_Great I wasn't referring to them specifically. I know people IRL.

[@Mixed_Activist]

What does definitive mean in this context?

[@beepbopboop3221]

There is nothing wrong with some soul food as long as it's not every day.

[@EliteMediaCreatives]

Can i edit your videos 🙌

[@PIF95]

I just want to plead with both of you to reconsider your divorce. You can still reverse this! I’m a child of divorce and it has negatively affected my life in more ways than I can count (and both of my parents co-parented very well). It is the root of all of so many of my relationship issues. You may think your children are handling it fine, but believe me, they’re not. To be totally blunt, I think you both are putting your own wants and needs above your children. If there was abuse in the home, or something that was dangerous to the children, then, yes, separation/divorce is necessary. But you two obviously can be together and get along well. You made a commitment to one another and to your children to stay together. You made a vow before God. There’s a reason God hates divorce, it destroys the lives of so many. Please, please, please reconsider. No matter how well you co-parent you are doing lasting damage to your children.

[@Bananas904]

I'm not either of them but I hope you will hear me out. I hear what you're saying and I'm sorry that your parents' divorce affected you in such a negative way. I wish things had been different for you. At the same time: Not all divorces are the same. I am also a child of divorce and for my parents, it needed to happen. If my parents had not divorced, my dad would not have sought out therapy services. If my parents had remained together, my mom would be miserable, my brother would be...let's say...not alive anymore, and my mental health would be in the toilet. We are still a family, it's just different now. My parents respect each other in the sense that they brought 2 children into the world together and that suits them. And because the majority of us are in a parasocial relationship with Jono and Alicia, this situation is especially tricky. We, as viewers, need to give them a chance to be the best people they can be and give them space to determine for themselves what that looks like.

[@PIF95]

@@Bananas904 But that’s what I was saying. If there is danger to the children, then of course separation is necessary. But the majority of divorces do not happen because of an abusive or unsafe situation, it’s because the parents just don’t connect anymore. I would say an couple who divorces simply because they don’t feel connected, feel incompatible, or just don’t really like each other, are being selfish and putting their own needs and wants above their children. So many issues can be worked on as a couple, but most couples give up and have unrealistic and ungracious expectations for their spouses. The Bible teaches that marriage exists to be a picture of Christ and the church. God would never leave us, never abandon us, no matter how far we stray. We need to have the same mindset in marriage. Marriage is not about us.

[@FreckleFinance]

@@PIF95 As a divorced person, I have ONE friend who is divorced where the connection was gone. Everyone else left very abusive and toxic situations.

[@Bananas904]

​@@PIF95 I'm going to step away from this conversation. From your reply, I'm gathering you didn't read my last point or you read it but didn't absorb it entirely. It's not on them to "save marriage" as an institution. It seems that you are carrying trauma from your parents' divorce and I hope you seek help for that.

[@Trysaratop]

As a child of a single mother where my bio father got up and left while I was born I can relate (oddly) children can be around new partners that can be dangerous that do not care about your child and abuse them. I don’t think parents should even consider dating or talking to other people till their children are much older. Basically if it’s a sexual issue that they are having I think it could be fixed with some hormone shots like steroids for the man or estrogen for the woman. They seem to have a deep connection and love each other very much. I have a friend who is in a similar situation she wants intimacy but just not with her husband… and she decided to separate from him. I think it’s very sad when people give up something so good perhaps it’s because they never experienced bad things in their life and got everything good handed to them so they want that fire or excitement or physical attraction. I think these two are making a big mistake and not for bible reasons but they won’t ever see a healthier relationship again and they are around each other and working together no one wants to deal with people being so close to their ex and to think it’s possible is toxic positivity which could have also been their issue. that so being said I agree they need to work at it more accept arguing, negative talks, not trying to always have a positive front and push for intimacy in the bedroom even if he needs shots to make it work once a week. Hell at this point they should try smoking a Dooby together 😂 but on a real note I’m sorry for your trauma, I was affected deeply not know who my real father was and came from abusive broken home, never seeing a relationship make it through was traumatic. These two clearly didn’t cheat and love each other… they would always block future love with how deep it is.

[@sofiakamalyan4411]

Thank you for going into details and being so compassionate overall 🩵 I feel more confident now that there is life after divorce and I can see that it’s not the end of the world. You are right, life is life, thanks for being with us and sharing your wisdom 🙏🏽 My question is (probably you’ve said but I missed?): when you first discussed the need to divorce, was there self-doubt or self blaming (as ‘I’m not good enough, I’m failing’ etc), especially for the person who didn’t initiate it. And how to deal with it? Self-compassion I guess but probably something else?