Outsmart a Narcissist: A Proven 4-Step Plan to Take Your Power Back | Mel Robbins Podcast

[@gingerturner0000]

I disagree that they can't control their emotions. My husband controls his emotions just fine when anyone else is around, but behind closed doors turns into a monster.

[@brandylee6030]

Same of my bf of almost 5 years. They all think I’m crazy - just for standing up for myself when he is constantly belittling me and puts me down with jabs and tantalizing in front of others. I ask him to pls stop etc - he does it more. He knows it sets me off. So horrible. Can’t wait until I can finally escape. Bc when you live with a narcissist that’s what it is. IFYK,YK

[@margaretwebb389]

Very creepy! Not unlike my Mom who is narcissistic/Pyschopath/Sociopath/ Sadistic Mixed nut!!!

[@T6706K]

My husband calls me the nastiest names and lists off every fault I have ever had, the same time he is texting his friends like it’s a wonderful day. He could help this, he just doesn’t give a crap.

[@shamarmiller1281]

Covert

[@elizabethmaghran9479]

I can say they may know what they are doing but in the moment are completely flooded when they become overwhelmed

[@babycakes1402]

It's not just 'childhood trama', there's also the 'golden child' syndrome where the kid is praised & spoiled so much that it just goes to their head & they learn to expect that praise & adoration from everyone, deserved or not.

[@ninahancock69]

I was with the narcissist that you are describing for 10 years. I finally left. I could not take it anymore. His grown kids also have a sense of entitlement. They all thought I owed them something.

[@Migale-sk8tsp]

The golden child is the narcissist adult

[@saluma1447]

I believe it is truly by that unnecessary praise and adoration from the parent where it all begins

[@staciewebb4829]

When we give undeserved praise as a way of fluffing their self esteem instead of teaching them how to change their character defects this really is NEGLECT if you think about it.

[@ChristopherLarson-c4n]

​@@Migale-sk8tspStereotype stupid.

[@deezahm9143]

I was married to a narcissist for 35 years. He divorced me when I was no longer of “use” to him. You are so right-the narc will take himself down in order to take you, too. When he couldn’t get to me with his belittling, raging, having affairs, etc. he took me down financially. I’ve learned a lot in my 67 years-take it from me-if you live or know a narcissist in your life, RUN.

[@les9058]

HOPE you do well with freedom to live your life! 💯

[@richardlenz2655]

Yes run. You cannot do anything wrong 🤭

[@Ksenichka888]

Mine put us in debt, no matter that my credit awesome,he creating so much debt behind my back,on purpose. Had to refinance the house twice,because what he did. And we are in florida, everything 50/50,including the debt,even I was clueless about it... so,I feel stuck :(

[@richardlenz2655]

@@Ksenichka888 Dear Oxana, I have a narcissistic wife since 15 years. I gave her all my money, more than 1 million dollars since. I am completely broke now. I learned about narcissists only since a few months. Now I have to navigate through the damage. I just want to tell you, you are not alone. Learning about evil persons is really a life school 🤭

[@boipelodikobe1040]

I totally relate 🇿🇦

[@AdduriBablu]

for everyone scrolling and listening to the video, go read forbidden manifestation by zara blackthorn. then come back to thank me

[@maydorali5414]

I finished that book 2 weeks ago and I can say that is amazing book. Would also recommend it.

[@RAHILBAROT]

read it a few days ago, its great

[@khatunbibishaikh6677]

that book turned everything around for me

[@ZG_VIVAAN531]

started reading it yesterday too

[@shadhuchauhan]

heard about it before, thanks for sharing!

[@kseniag5305]

If you are listening to this podcast and recognize the behaviors, run! It only gets worse! Test one 1: tell them No, and you will hear everything they actually think about you. Test 2: Ask them for help when you are sick or feel vulnerable, they will blame you for being sick, etc and will not supprt you. Test 3: every time you are doing something good for yourself, achieve something they will do something bad to ruin the good memory. They will make it about themselves..Did i say run ??? Block them! And never look back..🏃‍♀️

[@juliemiller3545]

Obviously, you're narcissistic...

[@ethanmurray2203]

Thats funny, I got sciatica, it was the worst full time pain ever! My ex would say things like "why are you groaning, you've got a pretty good life" I would get a cold every couple of years. I would Nyquil out, sleep alot for a day or two, and be good. My ex would attack me for being "lazy" and "laying around". No empathy at all!

[@leeannajames7958]

Everything you just said is true!!!!!!! I'm just woke the latter May of last yr when my Mother passed away. Oh God if you only knew. They make sure you are broke to keep you trapped and a doormat. They do put on quite the show in front of others and strangers to the point you want to throw up. They threaten you, have you watched. They want to know everyone you know to later track you down or go to all your friends and family and somehow to convince it was you and not them. I can't believe I was so blind, first yr or 2 is the honeymoon and then it starts going down hill. Suddle things like cleaning or laundry. Oh yeah they sucks all your energy away. Talk about you like you're trash behind your back. Everything that makes you happy or you're wanting to accomplish is all wrong to them or it's stupid. They want you to be more or less their puppet

[@carolynware1624]

Ive seen this too

[@thinkbetterhealth]

Yes me too

[@thetruthhurts158]

There is an intent to destroy!! Their Ego is huge!!! They truly don't care about anyone but themselves

[@darlenewatts2008]

So true! Demonic at best it’s a high for them to try and humiliate you in front of others or behind your back. I’ve learned to ignore this person and I begin to him or sing praise and worship songs or put music on I like that’s coming to me and he can’t handle that. I realized a long time ago I wasn’t crazy no matter what he did or didn’t do! Ego and his flirting and had to be the social butterfly always the loudest coming into a place or wanting to be seen. It’s really sad because this man truly has had trauma as a child then other things compiled with that! Thank you for confirming for me. My book with this situation should be a best seller👍🏽

[@93Jubilee]

Do you really think their egos are huge? It seems to me it's a lack of ego that causes them to act out.

[@thetruthhurts158]

@@93Jubilee deep down inside they are children. But the grandiose attitude and the self entitlement is out of control. They will never own up to their insecurities they become outraged!

[@DahlinFay]

Absolutely 💯

[@matilda1505]

All of you are correct

[@TP-fq8wd]

I've had one NARCISSISTIC person in my life. As soon as I saw their behavior trying to down grade me...I got quiet and left the next day. Period. I'm not about to deal with an insecure fool. They aren't worth the heartache. 💯

[@lovejumanji5]

Oh thank god ! People whose parents are narcs are not able to recognize what you recognize.💥

[@tional5266]

Same story over here, took me a bit longer to leave but now I’m never going back!

[@LouiseCarter-yx6oe]

Please let Prince Harry know that he can recuperate his life.

[@r.p.8906]

yes. this is possible for a person who has parents that are both non-narcs. This is however impossible for a person who grew up with this and who sees this a normal person...

[@teresagrafalskroger9177]

Wow! Good for you! I wish I had done that!

[@caralee2617]

The only way to take control from a narcissist is to get yourself from their domain first. You wont be able to figure out anything until and unless you are out of the hellish world. I will tell you one of my favourite stories. Once a King was too disturbed by everything that was happening around him. He felt as if no one was loyal to him and he was always afraid of his kingdom being attacked by perpetrators. He lost his sleep and his life had become hell. So he thought of taking a brief sojourn in the countryside. He passed through lush green fields and picturesque landscapes. The silent breeze that brushed through his hair filled his heart with joy. That is when he saw a farmer who was putting fence around his farmland. But his farmland had weeds all over and they hardly had any crops. This intrigued the King. He asked the farmer as to why was he putting a fence around the farm when the farm itself was covered with weeds. To this the farmer said that the farm was his own so he could get rid of the weeds whenever he liked. But he cant stop the stray dogs from running over his fields and destroying them. That is why he was putting the fence. To stop the stray dogs from venturing into the field. Once he was very assured about the security of his fields he can work on clearing the weeds and planting crops. On hearing this the King somewhat got the answer which he had been searching for. The human mind is also like the field. You cant control assholes from fiddling with your mind or saying bullshit. But you can definitely put a fence ( figuratively) so that these assholes cant influence you. And until and unless you dont put a fence you can never work on yourself. Once you have distanced yourself from toxic people then you can work on the healing process. Same is the case with narcs. Narcs are these stray dogs who suck your energy emotionally. They play mind games for fun because their mind wants melodrama. They hurt the very people who love them. So total isolation from these narcs is absolutely essential for the well being of your Mind. Once you are out of their mind games you can take decisions rationally. Narcs try to drain you emotionally. So everytime you respond to their low vibrations you tend to come to their level. But when you react confidently without panicking and without responding to their negative vibrations that is when you Win. When someone realises that you arent being influenced or being manipulated by their actions they will get tired of it. And after cutting them off completely from your lives you should work on your healing process. Work on clearing your mental clutter and keep yourself preoccupied. Read books and most importantly try to find your Purpose in life. When you find your Purpose you will be able to bear any pain in this World. Most importantly help others in need. When you find someone else who is stuck with a narc help them to get out of that. I feel this is the way to take control from a narcissist. P.S: I hardly find people around me who know about emotional abuse. But I think everyone should read and know about it. In today’s mean world you will find a lot of people who try to influence you or demoralise you using the sweetest of words. Its about identifying these covert manipulators and distancing yourself from them. I have immense respect for people who have survived narcissistic partners. They happen to be the most strongheaded and emotionally stable people you can come across. I learn a lot of things from them. Truly the broken will always be the most beautiful. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out MetaspyHub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..

[@Mary-lk8eq]

Wonderfully Said!! ❤️. Narcs are the walking dead.aka Zombies. If we fool with them,we will be too,except we WONT be walking. It's not a life style were use to.Thank you for that valuable story 🤗.

[@pattyh4305]

😅😅 uh by hubby u hubby

[@jeanettehigginbotham]

I experienced this firsthand with my first husband. The RAGE when I would stand up for myself... wow! After 9 years, many affairs, lying, I took my 2 kids and walked away with the shirt on my back. Totally worth it. Was a single Mom, poor, but ended up meeting my dream man who is the best husband, father, now grandfather and we've been married 27 years blending our family.

[@islachristie3291]

I went bankrupt and he gambled my home Savings mutual funds inheritance from my parents and everything else leaving me 62 and street poor. How do I date men want much younger women. I am also disabled from Meningitis and cannot work. I'm a useless member of society now.

[@jeanettehigginbotham]

@@islachristie3291 you are not useless! You will lift others up by sharing your story. Look for those opportunities and remember... you are God's daughter.

[@daniellehuston1186]

@@islachristie3291hang in there… take it day by day. I’ll pray for you. There are good people in this world, you never know who you are going to run into.❤️

[@shelleybegay9082]

Congrats, your strong ... But what happened to the kids father when you walked? Sometimes I feel I have to literally escape in the early morning hours just to be okay with my kiddos ..

[@jeanettehigginbotham]

@@shelleybegay9082 he had limited visitation... his job and social life was his priority

[@BlackthornBetty]

I absolutely do NOT believe narcissists just forget what they did. It's all gaslighting. Period. I barely survived narcissistic abuse so I have extensive experience with them and they deserve zero sympathy for their gaslighting.

[@pamelarodriguez5674]

💯💯💯💯💯 the denial isn't because they don't remember. They do not deserve one iota of sympathy. Move on. Never look back. EVERY relationship will end the same for them.

[@elizabethnjoki8712]

5 5 n😅u

[@michellelnj4678]

They always say that they forget; in my experience’s.

[@idid138]

They don't care enough to remember. They shut it out and move on.

[@ChristaAddesa]

They need to remember they have law degrees. I'm sure I and a lot of people who have experienced narcissistic abuse and have read tons of research, books, articles, etc on narcissism, are pretty much experts at this point. The literature does not back the claim that they do not remember and have no control. They absolutely remember and they do have self-control. She basically completely negated the tactics of gaslighting, manipulation, and deception while simultaneously negating the symptom of cognitive dissonance in the victim. Gross misinformation!

[@shanastanek432]

Feeling sorry for a narcissist or having empathy for what they went through as a child is the absolute WORST advice. They’ll pick up on that immediately and use it to manipulate you with whenever they do something wrong. Narcissists are very dangerous people. Trying to outsmart one is a great way to lose your mind and also your soul. I tried for 10 years with my ex. Ended up with chronic PTSD, can barely function, and don’t even recognize myself anymore.

[@TheTerrypcurtin]

They are way off. Mine would run me broke in court. Police and judges believe them. Mel is so wrong. Dr Ramani would destroy the Idea of beating them. Dumb to try. A narc will out wit a lawyer. Report them to the bar. Call their clients. Hahaha. No end to what they will do. None

[@Rabswood296]

Absolutely

[@jsscaaaa3768]

Can't like this comment enough

[@Artistpath]

I couldn’t agree more! Ex-father-in-law of my narc ex-husband is a title lawyer and bought my mortgage loan and changed to full PMI from zero PMI just so each and every payment for 6 years NOTHING went to the principal. I couldn’t undo the financial damage. Somehow the bank was in on it too. The law didn’t change until the year after I lost my home to foreclosure. All this was so illegal and so unusual but I know he had the means to pull this off. He probably still believes I never figured it out and that he got away with this. Nope. Karma fixed it! Less than 2 years after I lost the house due to his BS, his son mysteriously died alone at the age of 44. He’s now a bitter shell of an old man. Vindictive yes they are!!

[@grateful7420]

💯 %

[@DavidDemiseOfficial]

Narcissists know full well what they are doing. They just do not care.

[@vickigarvie4093]

Agree 💯

[@SolidSiren]

​@@vickigarvie4093 Wrong. They literally don't understand how wrong they are.

[@lukeparsons1187]

Agree. I would say that they don't have the capacity to care. They don't have the emotional intelligence to understand what they are doing is wrong beyond just the surface wrongness.

[@randyrivera4433]

It's why I put them in their place u don't play no games with this idiots people

[@223eu77]

⁠@@lukeparsons1187true cause they obviously put fourth effort to something. N it’s in the right principle of tryna have good things for themselves. But they don’t realize the way they take that approach is hurtful cause they only think about their way n how it can work only their way. It’s like people with ocd that can only work when some things are a certain type of way. But the only thing is he is creating a day by day situation with that mindset and one way only makes sense to him. If it’s not that way it causes them to shut down to n get mad. It depends on the person tho cause some narcissist will not know what they are doing and that can also play a part in how they were raised and what they saw normally as a child. Ones that do know tho won’t ever act outta pocket like that in public places. Tbh I think a form of how narcissistic personality disorder can form is if they never get any home admiration from their loved ones, it shuts down that part of the brain of thag accomplish ment and they’ve never had it from their parents, once they get it from other people and are told their doing a good job maybe by future co workers or customers that they’ve worked with, it’s like a drug n it keeps them going to doing good. But if they loose the job or don’t get any admiration like that then it turns more evil.

[@susangoodwin8067]

I don’t believe narcissists behavior is always from trauma. It is also from overindulgence and not being held accountable by parents . When a parent raises a child and does not build intrinsic value ,they will be find their value by tearing down others,

[@brandylee6030]

NAILED IT!!! The experts do not speak enough of the parents that just let the kids get away with everything. This is the result. An entitled brat. That’s all it is to me in my eyes. Anyone over the age of 12 with the exception of any ailments or factual disabilities, ppl know right from wrong. PERIOD!! and if they are acting as a narc or NPD then imho, THIS IS THE WHY!!!! 🥸 not. They don’t know or it’s arrested development. Yeah- arrested development bc no one whooped their behind right quick lol or taught them right from wrong, etc

[@cherylbrooking5229]

Totally agree! my situation (I'm the scapegoat)

[@tmking7483]

Excellent point _ I've noted this too_ from the wealthy side of the family. The childhood stories they tell are about abusing the maid and killing the cat_ they get big belly laughs from it all_ they are so indulged that they get addicted to abusing others

[@maralfniqle5092]

​@brandylee6030 and most of them still need a whooping to learn some lessons

[@chrissemenko628]

​@brandylee6030 I remember saying to him once, "Who gave you anything you wanted just to shut you up as a kid?" Hes an entitled little brat man.

[@h888steele4]

Married to a severe narcissist for 17 years …showed him compassion and understanding - he was a devil and he did know what he was doing and many many things were carefully planned out. Don’t feel sorry for them!

[@Rabswood296]

Exactly, three years of scheming and planning and sowing seeds, getting people on side, starting a smear campaign, moving money around in bank accounts before eventually involving the police and other authorities. I'm done with empathy.

[@kimrnbsn8540]

@h888steele4: Same here. Mine is almost 17 years. We’re separated heading for divorce. I have a restraining order against him. This has become a long, drawn out process. I had to stay with him because I wasn’t able to work bc of me having Multiple Sclerosis. Therefore, I was trapped due to not making any money. I used to carry this household because I was an RN. He quickly forgot everything I contributed to the marriage it really pees me off. He didn’t love me, he loved the money I brought in. He loved my parents’ assets that he would have access to once my parents pass away. I’m sure he has dreamed about his future life once his old ball and chain are out of the way too!

[@philly8184]

Professor Sam Vaknin is the foremost expert on Narcissism and Cluster B. He’s also a diagnosed Psychopathic Narcissist, has 190+ IQ and is a Physicist! No one breaks down Narcissism and cluster B like Sam Vaknin. Check him out on KZbin.

[@shirley9066]

Be careful, go hide if u can &watch your back. Dont let your guard down sounds like he might flip out.

[@VictoriaMeeks-f3r]

I agree 1,000%

[@saradale8471]

Narcissism is not caused just from childhood trauma it can be caused by over inflated attention as a child. That was the situation with my sister.

[@Rangerlady]

Same here.

[@asat5555]

Your sister must be my coworker she is a nightmare and stops at nothing to crush everyone around her

[@peaknonsense2041]

Is not JUST caused. Trauma absolutely can cause it along with yours and genetics

[@carollynnberwindscheffler398]

Are there key points to look for that are "tells" to show we are dealing with a narcissist????;

[@peaknonsense2041]

@@carollynnberwindscheffler398 0 responsibility or accountability. They'll destroy themselves, just to ensure those trying to expose them "don't" by destroying them first. Darvo, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, emotional withholding when you don't give them what they want.

[@Katrn30]

My mother is 89, and still going strong in her narcissistic behaviour. She is a gossip, a perpetual victim, a martyr, gaslighting is her specialty. Before I knew anything about narcissism, I used words like rage, tantrum, manipulative, pouter….all the buzz words fit her. I was her dumping ground…I am the oldest of 6 kids, and my siblings ran to me when they were in trouble or hurt, because they knew she would start raging and throwing a tantrum, and they would not be helped. My dad had a seizure while driving my young siblings, and ran the van into the ditch. My 9 year old brother ran home and I could hear him calling out my name….I was 15, and I ran to him, barefoot, the couple of blocks where everyone was. I asked a neighbour to call the cops (we didn’t have 911 yet) and he took my dad to the hospital since he was starting to wake up. The cop told me to drive the vehicle home ( I wasn’t old enough to have a license) which I did. Btw, my mother was home, it just didn’t occur to my brother or me to get her involved. Later when he was diagnosed with epilepsy and lost his job, my mother blamed me for calling the cops and getting my father to the hospital. I felt so guilty for decades for causing hardship to my family, but my dad was an air traffic controller, and as a family we were ordered not to tell anyone about his seizures. He put people’s lives at risk by not disclosing his medical condition. I couldn’t sleep at night because of all the guilt I felt. I realize now, at 66, that I was not responsible for any of that, and the adults in my life did not act like adults…that job fell onto me.

[@SusanWinsel-df7xw]

😢😢😢It's so sad to have a mother like that.

[@shellyrubio3207]

😢 Wow!!! Just 😳🤯 WOW! I am sorry for all you have been through, because of this, and for so long! But I am very happy for you that you have had this realization which, hopefully, will finally lead to your healing and, ultimately, to freedom. 🤗❤️

[@synthiasimms4608]

So sorry.My parents are narcissistic to but not to that extreme.

[@WordNotWorld]

I’m so sorry about this. That’s very unfortunate and I can totally understand how unfair it can feel and how lost and broken you felt. I pray that you’re living your best life now. Jesus loves you, God bless❤

[@jitterbug8215]

Using a traumatic childhood against another person is the lowest of lows. They absolutely know what they're doing and they know it works to coerce you into accepting their abuse.

[@kelseyfrates8104]

It's so sad...

[@palapalak.8907]

Pathetic

[@idid138]

Yep, I was sickened by that at the time, but yet I took him back... You can know a thing intellectually, but still allow it because you're raised in abuse & it feels normal.

[@Maria__57]

I AGREE..it's so TRUE..

[@angelaramirez4144]

It's so crazy you say that, because my boyfriend does that to me all the time. For example, if I get upset that he talks to me about different women everyday, and who he thinks wants him and is in love with him, he will start going on about how I came from childhood trauma. Like, what?! He had admitted to me that he does it to let me that he could have other options if he wanted. So legitimate feelings get turned against me. When I didn't want to sleep with him one time, he actually said to me, "Your sexuality is messed up, probably because you've had too many partners."

[@shanastanek432]

Some poor woman who watches this looking for answers about her narcissistic husband is going to end up excusing his abuse because you said he doesn’t realize or remember the things he’s done and that she should have empathy for him. Narcissists know exactly what they’re doing. They lie about not remembering because they never want to be held accountable for their actions. The minute you feel sorry for them, is the minute you give your power away.

[@tinaallen3304]

I agree with you 💯 %

[@bbmbezalb2697]

I agree 💯 too these 2 ladies have made a mistake

[@post-separationabuse2020]

If the narcissist is a partner or spouse I think it is different it is like they intentionally want to destroy you. Entrap you makes you financially dependent. Keeps you stuck, and puts you into a negative mindset. Sabotage your opportunities suppressing your potential with criticism and humiliation. And we keep ourselves stuck when we make excuses for bad behaviour and disrespect because we feel that we love them. It's not love it trauma bond. It's not a real relationship it's a manipulationship.

[@barbarahavens7395]

Absolutely!!! You DON"T get your power back! Terrible advise - you are so backward here, Mel. Setting countless people up to prolong the abuse. It's maddening on top of abuse - damnit!

[@sonialune]

It's better to have compassion for ourselves than the NPD. it's what saves my kids and I. 10 years of excusing his behavior and trying to keep the family together. I had to save my life and teach my children that the behavior of their father was inacceptable in any way. I still have to help them re-learn safe behaviors, because they still had to go at his house... I always have to repair and repeat. I feel like it’s kind of a game for him, to destroy our kids self-esteem and self-love. I teach them and myself in the same time. Awareness, compassion, safe love ! They are so confused about what he does to them and they ask why. It's heartbreaking. It's difficult to stay neutral with their situation. Only thing I can tell them is that how he act is not their fault or their responsibility. He his an adult and he have to be accountable for his actions and behavior. (Because they are so conforting and helpful they try to support him through this !) And he gets even more violent ! Save yourself. Don't try ro help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Save your fucking life! Love and kindness 💜🩵💙

[@DavidPereira-wf8uo]

Sorry to all victims of this horrible experience. Such evil .

[@DKSE123]

It's arrogance , which is what causes evil

[@sseptember6301]

No, they're demonic!

[@saradale8471]

Absolutely!

[@annthomson5648]

U aint kidding

[@the_kimberlyclark]

God bless your empathetic spirit. 𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓾𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝓑𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓮𝓭 𝓘𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓮𝓭 ❤️‍🔥✝️😇

[@lindawillis7006]

Through studying NPD, I have been healing from a lifetime of narcissistic relationships, starting with my parents, 2 husbands and 2 male friends. It wasn't until the last relationship listed here, I became aware of what I was dealing with and how to deal with it. After suffering near death pneumonia and CPTSD I am now 4 years out, no contact and FREE. How did I do it ? I stopped taking his B. S. and set boundaries, one at a time, to which he responded, " You have a very strong core." I never lost knowing who I was and strength in my beliefs in spiritual guidance. I spent most of the Covid lockdown researching narcissism and my co-dependency. Knowledge is wisdom and power. Do what it takes to recover. You are worth it !

[@TinaHoltz]

"You have a very strong core" That is the devil right there. He was revealing his intent. That inhuman has been trying to kill you all along and is surprised you're still alive. I told my narc, "I am surrounded by wolves." He responded "Yeah you are." That is the devil's voice right there. Learn to recognize who and what you are actually dealing with. That is the devil wearing man's clothing. Like an Edgar suit. Those kinds of statements are his disguise slipping off for a split second. It was not a compliment on your strength.

[@laurengarrett9005]

They can't control their emotions but when in front of people outside the home they sure control themselves. So there is some control.

[@dhammdeepbhagatdd]

Yeah you're right.

[@GetGoldandSilverASAP]

Absolutely and once you figure this out then let them know…so you don’t rage at work or with your family that actually abused you huh? Lights go on and mask is off.

[@russellanddeborahrichardso9213]

Sorry, My narc is extremely smart, cunning, manipulative. They remember everyth8ng. They are liars.

[@ginaritter6963]

Exactly

[@Noles58]

Absolutely, my Mom can be ripping my ass over a perceived slight and go right up to a complete stranger smiling and say to them, „have a wonderful day“

[@nancymorey7597]

Shanastanek -- you hit the nail on the head, Sister! Narcissists are self-centered, judgemental, condescending, and very mean-hearted. But, they refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their rudeness. You will always be in the wrong -- it HAS to be that way for them. They can tear an empath to shreds and enjoy the process. If you spot a narcissist RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! Don't allow anyone to steal your authenticity. Believe in yourself. Cherish your Self.

[@PrettyWhiteLady]

But unfortunately we need to learn to deal with them. I am literally sitting up at 3:30 a.m. doing this because of the uncontrollable OCD intrusive thoughts that I have experienced for the last 3 weeks because my sister who I went no contact with over a year ago sent me a birthday card. One little card, 3 weeks of brutal hell. If I don't learn how to deal with these people I will be TOAST 😢

[@DorothyGagliardi]

I get it... I can't even go to my mailbox without anxiety crippling me! Nothing good ever comes but the bills literally make me nervous maybe even paranoid cause of the PTSD I suffer with.Thanks to a narcissist husband that beat me down so badly as did my own Mother,She would side with my ex because she was impressed with his money. Her thought being Id be taken care of if I just took whatever he shelled out including cheating, cursing me in front of my daughters & just plain mean spirited! That wasn't me----I lost a few relationships over that & realized that I didn't need or want that kind of energy around me.Never was the same with some family but I don't regret it.. Actually it's their loss & I'm ok...Sorry you felt it too...Stay strong..❤ 49:06

[@khristyjones8458]

So sorry to hear that. I am a mom trying to get my daughter from a narcissist. I don't care how much money he has. It scares me cause she is 19 and very naive. She is also now pregnant by him. I don't know what to do. He took her away from her family. Now they won't tell us where they are. She says she is fine and it's what she wants but he never lets her speak privately.

[@DorothyGagliardi]

@@khristyjones8458 God Bless. You'll be in my prayers 🙏💞

[@DorothyGagliardi]

@@khristyjones8458 Yes,that is very scary.Shes so young & can't see anything but the love she has for him.I was 20 when my ex showed up im my life- Great to me, love bombed for 5 and years.Had the babygirl & he cheated while I was giving birth. Such a bully,hated all my friends ,half of my family & just got cocky AF...Bought me a Malibu beauty of a car but I was only allowed to drive it with the kids in the car ! If he saw me riding with friends or even my neighbor,crazy.. So we were divorced within the year,my baby was 6 months old.,size of a large Pepsi bottle.But,I survived.Scared at times,even doubted myself about the money , house,all the " stuff"we could do but living my own life with my girls in a beautiful place & I like being there.Not nervous like I was & he gave me $75.00 every week. Mister Big Stuff spent more on go- go dancers to be cool in the bar.. Grateful for it but that cheap bastard got off real easy in court cause all I wanted was the babies and that was It,..STAY STRONG.. I KNOW ITS HARD BUT THE END RESULTS ARE WORTH IT,DONT GIVE YIURSELF TO ANYONE TILL YOU FIND A GUY THAT LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVEs Youó...God Bless 🙏❤️

[@theclown2393]

Not only outsmart a Narcissist but it's also important to get the hell out of dodge fast....leave and go no contact!

[@alwedworth]

That’s where I’m at right now closed out the bank account. Get a new cell phone get an apartment and then figure out how to empty out the house with her in it and take my stuff and whatever she allows me to take.

[@beautiful_one5915]

Ditto working on a divorce so wish we didn't have a house together..ugh

[@theclown2393]

@@beautiful_one5915 ok just be smart about and have a cool head that way you can think it out carefully

[@theclown2393]

@@alwedworth ok just becareful how you go about it

[@beautiful_one5915]

@theclown2393 yes, exactly..calm as a cucumber..imagining when it's over..thanks😊

[@Narrow-Pather]

There is such a thing as evil.. and narcissists are just that! And they're in full control. They control themselves in front of those they want to think they are kind. It's behind closed doors where they feel most comfortable exhibiting their demons! My sympathy is for those they maliciously entrap!

[@marjorierushie7737]

Narcissists are calculated and know exactly what they are doing.

[@SunnyDeeTee]

Yep they are highly manipulative and make conscious choices to plan out what they're doing.

[@cckap]

I agree!

[@MuniiBagRose]

They are literally inconsiderate to others and they need to be held accountable for their actions.

[@barbsteele3301]

That’s the difficult part. Especially when you have weak boundaries.

[@MuniiBagRose]

I create boundaries that fit my lifestyle

[@alcudiababe1]

And also no matter what they went through as a kid doesn't give them the right to use that to justify lying stealing and manipulating you. Do not give them that power to try and use their past trauma to in effect break you into staying in an environment where you know it is toxic. Narcissistic individuals rely on your good heart

[@lauragesicki5499]

Brilliantly said! Thank you.

[@cindihunter9119]

OK, I understand the emotional inmaturity! Yet, we are supposed to allow them to treat us in a degrading way? Hell No!

[@jeffbabcock6033]

I am in love with my narcissistic wife and I don't want to lose what we have. Is there any hope? Narcissistic people must be able to change and grow

[@TheresaKerton2024]

Jeff, they never change. I know 34 yrs and he couldn't change anything in his life, including how he saw and treated. The last 5 yrs have been the worse, never got better. I loved him totally, but had to walk away.

[@alcudiababe1]

@@jeffbabcock6033 I'm very very sorry but it's you who has the capacity to change and grow. You'd think they could. You want them to. If only they saw the error of their ways but in truth you're better than her. Put your healing work in and you'll attract a much healthier growth mindset woman who treats you right. I know you don't want to give up a marriage because to you it's been your life for so long. If you choose to be with her don't expect her to change, accept that's how she is but do you but once you realise you can not change anything about another person the only thing you can change is you ❤️

[@erinsmith1293]

A wise counselor once told me if i was ever in a moving vehicle with a narcissist, jump out of the car! I married one & got out once I figured out this narcissist nightmare reality. He delayed signing the divorce agreement for over 2 years simply to keep up his attempts to control. FINALLY FREE. Hard-learned life lessons, but I sure learned.

[@deemcc7784]

I was abused and still a caring empathetic person. I still love to serve others. It's no excuse!

[@rebeccaculling825]

Me too.

[@SquashBlossom62]

Me too

[@tinateel7108]

You are strong. It is hard.

[@thebiblestudyhelper9389]

Some people are too tender as children to control what response their minds take .

[@emmsue1053]

@@thebiblestudyhelper9389 That's true but on reaching adulthood most people are capable of knowing right from wrong.. and pure verbal abuse from compassion and empathy.

[@junemyres1435]

Oh yeah the moment I stood up to him he was out the door. I feel so relieved that he left our family for Christmas because it 😅 was the best Christmas gift ever.

[@ladynataliemarie7780]

Triangulation is awful at Xmas it’s tense it’s wishful it’s melancholy - takes a long time for adult children and adults to maybe get out of that memory triggered at the holiday. Do you feel it still or maybe it’s different w a husband.

[@thewellbeingqueen_]

Good for you!!!

[@Karli4Sure]

Absolutely agree with what one person who said that they can control their emotions just fine with other people. But behind closed doors they turn off the controls like a switch. They say it didn’t happen or don’t remember because THEY ARE GASLIGHTING! And it’s not all from trauma… I went through shit trauma and I do not act like my narcissistic cousin. She didn’t go through half of it. So trauma hummm not always.

[@TheFairIsInAugust]

Thankyou!! My daughter …no trauma other than what she invented

[@lisalaursen3684]

Yes! I was in a relationship with a narcissist who would deny complete conversations and tell me he was “worried about me” because my memory was so faulty I must be crazy. I started covertly recording conversations and when he tried to gaslight me, would play the recording and it was exactly as I remembered it. He would go into a rage at being called out on his gaslighting and accuse me of somehow faking the recording. Thankfully I got out! 🙏

[@jopainting1668]

​@@lisalaursen3684I started using voice recorders because of people like this also. I've learned it's extremely important to not let people know when they are being recorded. I now do this anytime I have to have a conversation about money with someone and whenI go to Dr. offices. It is truly disturbing how many Dr offices literally have signs saying you can't record (in your own private appointment!) for the protection of your own medical information. The signs themselves are openly gaslighting. It is horrifying the things I have recorded Drs and their staff say. I have not figured out how to use any of this to be able to take legal action, HOWEVER it has on MANY occasions helped me save my own sanity and see what's actually going on. Which is honestly still extremely difficult to live with.

[@peaknonsense2041]

​@TheFairIsInAugust She may not be a narcissist. High functioning Autism has similar symptom manifestations but they're not actually narcissists.

[@cynthiabest7658]

I got more from reading the comments than I did from watching the video of these two. Wouldn’t take any of their advice.

[@MikeJackson690]

The comments are the group therapy I need. I'm so sorry to see so many having experienced similar things. My ex-GF was impossible. I'm absolutely exhausted and am on my knees, but I'll get back up. All the very best to everyone here.

[@jenniferarmer106]

Me too! My eyes have been opened

[@BlackthornBetty]

The best line I've ever used on narcissists when they get mad is 'can we come back to this conversation when you're less emotional?' They don't know how to deal or process that statement.

[@northernfox6420]

Oh, mine would answer 'Oh, it's MY fault? I'M EMOTIONAL!!!' exhausting.

[@heidipollock4493]

Awesome comeback!!! So much respect for you! Thanks for sharing this.

[@gdevoid]

“Whatever” works for me. Just keep saying it…

[@careyawalker]

Comebacks aren't winning. You get a star sticker on the board, nothing else. Do it often enough, and you'll be deeper into the hole you were trying to climb out of to begin with.

[@sbg4ever120]

Gold! I’m totally going to use this! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@sincerelyme-777]

Narcissistic behavior is also part of the sociopathic profile. It’s very dangerous for people to be taught to feel sorry for someone with this personality disorder. Being able to identify what is happening and why is fine but how to get out safely is important. Getting out is the only option. Forgive but don’t forget. Learn and move on.

[@texasrodeogirl3814]

I agree. Why even try to understand them, save yourself and just get out sooner rather than later.

[@stephaniewindholz2013]

I’m currently married to one for 2 decades. Been trying to get out for 2 years now. Upon finding out what narcissism and codependency is. 3rd time signing a 6 month lease. But I’m smarter now this time around and trying to get a lot of resources online for any kind of support. I’m not one to play the victim & hide nor do I wallow in self pity. I’m a fighter. I have two teenage boys. I’m thankful they are healthy smart and determined to reach success. So I’m doing. The gray rock thing by Dr. Ramani. Any help would really be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[@incognito595]

This is a Very Serious Disorder.

[@KarlArchie-y9g]

@@incognito595ii

[@LolaAileenVanslette]

I agree. My ex-husband was diagnosed as a sociopath just before my second daughter's birth because he took me to court and the court forced him to get tested for drugs and alcohol. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until my daughter mentioned it a couple years ago, regarding her ex. When I found the definition, I could swear my mother and my first husband and my boyfriend now all qualify!! I had my ex removed by the police after he punched me. I don't know how to get rid of my 10 year boyfriend who doesn't physically abuse me. Unfortunately, I am a caretaker for my son, who is very protective of me , and it's killing him that he's here still.

[@SusandPhd]

As a mental health professional I don’t know that we can say that narcissism is always the result of trauma. I’ve known of narcissists that had no childhood trauma.

[@TracyHaase]

I would have to say that my husband had a decent upbringing was not traumatized, didn’t have anything like that happen to him. BUT his dad was a controlling covert narcissist with his mom. My husband learned his behavior from his dad! Demeaning, dishonorable, disrespectful, degrading, manipulative, and so on and so forth! All of the 5 kids in that family treat their mother the same way the father treated her. My husband treated me that way and now my 4 children do also! It is disgusting!

[@sseptember6301]

My husband and his dad as well! Male chauvinists! And the spoiled brat fits of rage are called blind rage!!! They are taught this from very early childhood and it NEVER changes!

[@the_kimberlyclark]

I'm a mental health counselor in your absolutely right. It's not always trauma, but it's definitely a spirit that can be passed down the bloodline. I experienced this with my father and my younger Brother. as well as my ex. Husband and my eldest son.

[@mirandaguastella8716]

a narcissist is born it cannot become.

[@vickyschaffner2672]

That you know of or have chosen to disclose.

[@peggyhunter-vb1wg]

I agree with Ginger T. My son in law controlled his emotions just fine around everyone else, family, friends, and then took it all out on my daughter and their kids!

[@Beautifuldream3r]

After dealing closely with my narc, for 5 years, the conclusion I came to is this; There is no point in talking or reasoning because it’s like talking to a wall. Pointless. This interview totally validated and confirmed everything I’ve learned about narcissism. It’s hard to go through and learn. Great information and thank you for the insight.

[@KAT-wo1js]

So true!

[@princellasmith7562]

For real. It really is like talking to a wall.

[@jjmccloud]

The only thing is this responds to the talking, just not like it should be 😂

[@dove628]

Aren't most all men Like that at some point, in areas that are new or was Never taught, & refuses counseling. That makes me have to get therapy to cope & get skill how to cope with . For my own mental & physical health​@@princellasmith7562

[@mauiswift6391]

Yes, both are neglect. Not parenting appropriately.

[@anitacotugno4407]

There is an addiction to hope. You're always hoping to have that person that you first met come back.

[@platformofglorypraisewithj2310]

Yes. I realized it was a false hope after a long time.

[@jopainting1668]

My soul misses that.

[@debrakrch-ur8wv]

Crappy childhood fairy says,"hope is dope "( escaping) a way to cope.

[@anitacotugno4407]

@@debrakrch-ur8wv that's a good one. Thanks for sharing.

[@DellaWilson-w1k]

That’s the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing and expecting the same result.

[@asangil1]

Started with a narcissistic mom then married a narcissist a covert narc the worst kind but I have been free for five years still healing 😢

[@MeredithPatterson]

I had a covert narcissist Mom and then married a narcissist in my 20's. Got out of that marriage thank god! Once you see it you can't unsee it. ;)

[@JWar949]

Alicia you're beautiful. Keep on the healing road 🥹 I've only been on it for 6 weeks 😢

[@HH-gv8mx]

My mother is a covert narcissist and just got out of a 4 yr relationship with an emotionally and physically abusive man. Before I met him, I was always happy and smiling, and I had so much energy. Now my head is always looking down, I have a missing tooth and two chipped teeth in the front because of him. I am physically and financially broken. I don’t even know how to start over. But the first thing I have to do is find a job which is hard when you have a missing tooth people don’t treat you with respect it’s terrible.

[@Ela-fu5pz]

The covert Narc are just terrible, caz you don't know what's wrong, in killing you soul and confidence slowly but surely

[@shawneckhart1125]

I hear you. Covert narcissist still hunting me down more than two years later. I won’t go back to that trap.

[@AmieHensley-gn1xr]

Having empathy for my narcissist is what sucked me in.

[@kimlindsay3382]

They love to walk out when you’re trying to express yourself. Crazy stuff

[@jonquils1]

Yes they do.. he would walk away and give me the silent treatment whenever I expressed my emotions. Everything is taken as an attack when all you want to do is talk about things. You can't bond with them emotionally. Usually they lust after you but don't see your heart.

[@marymwangesi5333]

😂 it a disorder

[@EllenGale]

@@jonquils1 Wow, I have had this experience NUMEROUS times and couldn't figure out why it was going on!

[@scuba6797]

​@jonquils1 When you ruin a mans peace by emotions that are not the warrented response to the situation at hand it can be draining. You are not listening to reason so he's pulling away because no matter what he says you wont accept accountiblity. You are stuck in feelings and not thinking logical about the situation at hand. Sometimes women can be crazy without realizing it. Did you listen to him say facts and then still mad and upset over nothing at all because it's a "feeling" that can change like the wind. Mood swings are real, you might not realize. Women connect by talking. A man connects with physical touch. Physical touch is the ONE thing that seperates his partner from a friend. He wants to feel desired by the one women in the world that choose to save her self for him. You cant even see he wants to bond with affection yet you want him connect with you. Connecting with someone means so many things. There are 5 love languges! If you don't have the same primary or secondary love language both people will feel unconnected. Every time you withhold sex/ which is passion and love for men. Its joining as one. The one thing you can only share with significant other! If you don't understand his love languages, you can't expect him to know how to "connect emotionoally" to you. It really matters how you aproach someone without it coming off as an attack. Might be a case you dish it out all the time but can't take it. Imagine your man telling you look fat or not fit. You would see that as an attack but if he said honey you should stay away from sugar its unhealthy it comes across better. But here you are smearing him, maybe you're a little bit narcissistic and don't realize it.

[@jandcschwartz]

Absolutely, there are narcissists that specifically go out to use people.

[@jeanne5371]

Yes, they are predators. Especially for sex. Just a warm body. Doesn't matter who it is. They are riddled with anxiety and need others to calm it.

[@terrileezink7744]

It's like the narcissist can spot the most vulnerable prey too!! I've been alone for 20 years now because my picker is broken and I'm better off not repeating the same mistake over and over!

[@carolcote1596]

Please stop blaming yourself for the abuse and trauma you suffered at his or their hands. Narcissists are constantly on the prowl for innocent prey. They know from experience which people are more vulnerable and easier to manipulate, gaslight and control!!! Like you previously noted they know how to spot a hopeful target. Information like this video educates everyone like us, how to spot them.

[@barbaraguthrie5107]

I hear you. I'm not putting myself in that place ever again.

[@english26261]

Same

[@BelwillCoily]

Once my divorce is final, this is my plan as well. I don’t trust myself and just want to live out the rest of my life narc-free and in peace 🙏

[@producerlinda7109]

25 years for me. My picker is broken too😢

[@shereegriffin6830]

I am so glad to be hearing this, I have seen a narcissist become almost possessed by the emotion they felt, then it was almost like they just switched off, went to bed and slept for hours, then later could not remember the rage or what they said and did. Thank you, they are not responsible for themselves at all and I have learned not to engage at all or to take them seriously.

[@carolHernandez-gb3ii]

That’s a different thing

[@Cameraqueen14]

Stems from a lack of accountability, catering to abusive behaviours and a rewards system that caters to all of the wrong behaviours. It’s a cycle.

[@lauriemendoza4671]

A narcissist knows exactly what they are doing. All their actions are very intentional. Proof positive is when they have different sources of supply to provide all their needs that one person could never fill. Mel do not make the mistake of trying to give narcissists an out. They are straight up demons who's thought process is to get you before you get them. Your compassion is noteworthy but misplaced on narcissistic people. I was in a toxic narcissistic marriage for ten years. I could teach a class on their actions. Fortunately, I lived through it, divorced the narcissist and am happy, healthy and healing.

[@missylearned9821]

Agreed!

[@williamwitherow1438]

You are so spot on. They always want to destroy before they are exposed.

[@twilliams0100]

Hi Laurie. Could we communicate. I think that your experience could help me understand this better than I do.

[@joyceanderson8648]

I agree and not all Narcissists were traumatized as children and yes they became a narcissist for whatever reason but no one has to forgive them or tolerate them. I think the best way is to get away from them TOTALLY. I understand and feel for the married person having to deal with them because of kids but a narcissist will never change and their stress is too much. The lady speaker can walk away from clients so it is easy for her to give advice but I say get them out of your life, no contact. Nothing is beneficial for you when dealing with a Narcissist and they will always need to have it their way, they never change.

[@joyceanderson8648]

I do not want to always be on the offensive all the time. Just walk away, do not tell them about you, your job, your friends. There is no CIVIL MANNER with a narcissist and no I do not want to have to vomit.. also why KEEP A RECORD, when you say the Narcissist does not remember anyway???

[@gloriaerickson]

There are some narcissists, who do this intentionally! It's not just an unconscious, unknowning action. When they say, I don't remember doing that, it's just plain lying!

[@brandylee6030]

EXACTLY!! Entitled brats bc mom and dad did not reprimand them and or correct them or teach them about manners, respect or couth. They didn’t get their way. Or maybe just bullied and picked on in school so Much. That sounds more like narc to me. Not freaking frontal lobe etc c’mon experts I love this podcast and all but let’s get real.

[@minoozolala]

The vast majority know exactly what they’re doing. The self-aware narcs here on YT admit this.

[@cyndigooch1162]

​@@minoozolalaI beg to differ because I've heard most of them, including HG Tudor and Lee Hammock, state that it depends on the type and person because it's impulsive, or a self-defence response, with many and the more psychopathic ones know what they're doing. I've experienced this with many people, including my late parents, throughout my life and can verify that they automatically react to perceived, or real, threats due to the way they learnt to cope with trauma during childhood. 🙁

[@wendyharris8026]

H.G.Tudor refers to this difference as the aware and the unaware Narcissist.

[@graceevertt2317]

I have watched this 3 times now & have learned more each time. I was married to a covert narcissist for 44 years & had never heard of narcissism. He got super nasty when I got sick & became disabled & after a few years left. I was devastated at first but I’ve learned so much since then especially from the great guests you’ve had on Mel. When I heard you say how they say things & then say they never said it I couldn’t believe it! This is exactly what he’s done so many times to me!! Or that something he did & later claims it never happened I knew 1000% that he is definitely a narcissist. I’m 5 years out now & I’m so happy he’s gone but it’s taken a huge toll on me. Ive struggled with many things since he left but I’m so happy he did. I’m now fighting cancer & he wants to help with anything I need but refuses to tell me why when I ask him why. He refuses to discuss anything from the past saying “it’s over & in the past.” I’ve finally gotten to the point that I just don’t care anymore about any of it. I need help & I will use him the way he did me for decades for the things I need help with. I have little contact with him except for the things I need. It works for me so why not? He doesn’t get to me anymore & I’m much smarter thanks to people like you Mel, Rebeca & Dr Ramani. Thank you!!! ❤❤

[@iheartmakup]

Every time my ex wants me back from our on and off relationship he immediately throws the “let’s move in together” card. I’m glad it never happened. I’m practicing to being my own bestie, convincing myself to never go back to this manipulative guy and remind myself how bad he hurt me. It never gets better, it just gets worse.

[@mg79277]

Me too. Wanted me to move in to his 2 million dollar home by the lake. He’s a multi millionaire and has girls all over. It would have been the nail in the coffin for me.

[@les9058]

Absolutely... Stay strong!

[@sl3904]

My ex started doing this recently, asking me to move in despite me finding out that he just cheated prior to us getting back together!

[@AnthonyManzio]

I'm from Canada. What is your advice? Same here being bullied, mobbed, gaslighting, harassed at the hospital for over 12 years. I've happened to be the top worker for 38 years and have never been suspended. These bullies are jealous and miserable people. Union, manager, HR and the police are all totally useless. Bullies are lazy bums and stupid managers are scared of the bullies. They say about me I'm crazy, I drink, I'm a stalker all bs defamation of character. The biggest mistake since they removed disciplinary measures. They should arrest the bullies and fire the manager. Action speaks louder than nasty words. It destroyed my reputation. I will never quit to make these lazy bums ever win. If I decide to transfer to another hospital and may start gaslighting, smearing and bullying me once again, I don't know all the new managers etc. like in every department like now. So best to not change hospitals. I will never let bullies try to control me from quitting. Just don't react and not try to defend yourself which will only go back and forth making me look even more guilty. Action always speaks louder than words. Just best ignore them and find another easier target. Never let these low life lazy coward bums ever win.

[@tonnieverse4038]

​@@AnthonyManzioI think that also. Just to LAZY to seek peace and have decent behavior...

[@TallulahBelle3276]

You’re right, Mel! It’s the same cycle as an abusive relationship. The only difference is the physical violence. Let’s be honest, physical or mental abuse are both horrible with horrible results.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Definitely

[@Ela-fu5pz]

Whit the big difference, Phisical paid can eventually heal but emotional abuse can distoy your confidence in life and people, even in your own self-esteem

[@Skinny4406]

I'll take the physical abuse over emotional torture any day of the week ...

[@KatieMelberg]

I have spoken with a number of people who were abused both physically and emotionally. They all said the same thing. The physical abuse was nothing compared to the devastation of the emotional abuse.

[@les9058]

Sneaky... And discomforting.... You Often think maybe it's you! 🥴

[@bradrodgers4846]

I’m a male and everything you’re saying describes my life for the past 24 years. I’m learning that I’m not alone…that it’s not always the man that’s the narcissist. My narcissist is the 3 way mix to which you referred. Thank you so much.

[@post-separationabuse2020]

Sorry to hear that you have experienced these difficulties

[@walloffire2225]

My Mother was a covert narcissist. Her path of destruction was FAR, WIDE & GENERATIONAL.

[@doright7098]

Brother U aren't alone MOST SITES CLAIM MEN AS NARCISSIST. BUT THEIR ARE MAANNNY WOMEN THAT HAVE PUT MEN IN THE RINGER JUST THE SAME. Im dealing with divorce of one as we speak. Hang in there!

[@clairelegault7046]

I agree that there are narcissistic women!

[@chrisstone9607]

All it takes is trauma in childhood, it’s likely equally proportionate. I know a brother and sister that are both narcissistic both experienced the same abuse.

[@raineraven9734]

Here’s one for you - my covert narc started telling me I’m the problem whenever he crosses my established boundaries by calling me “disagreeable”.

[@cynt1908]

Mel, While they may not be aware that they are narcissists, they know right from wrong and they know when they are in the wrong. Proof that they know-when they are trying to hoover you back in, they promise to do all of the things you wanted them to do.

[@1TulsaRed]

And they KNOW the right things to say to convince people that they've got scruples and principles. So they KNOW they're doing wrong.

[@cynt1908]

@@1TulsaRed yes exactly!

[@ddavis6453]

I am surrounded by 😢covert passive aggressive narcissists... mother_mother in law/ husband and other family members... the gadlighting through my life has been the most damaging to me. I FINALLY woke up to it 2yrs ago. Slowly letting go of the unnecessary guilt for everything. Great conversation, thank you.

[@melaniebelk75]

Many prayers for you.

[@post-separationabuse2020]

It is better once you understand the situation. However covert narcissism is the most dangerous, I'm still subject to three litigations against me. He is continuing to try to destroy me his attempts during the relationship went unnoticed until 2018 after nine years together. I had no clue what was going on. In 2020 he terminated our relationship promised financial security then left to live with another woman basically abandoning me in our home in Spain while he was able to monitor my movements using the 24-hour security surveillance system he installed.. I had only £100 per month income before he left I was threatened with being thrown out onto the street. I was intimidated, humiliated, and verbally abused his mask came off at the end. I published my first book in May 2022 while living under the threat of precarious eviction in Spain as an English foreigner. June the verbal hearing for my eviction was heard. I was shocked that a woman who is not married is considered a second-class citizen and my public defence told me a Judge would order my eviction, so despite the elaborate laws on gender violence in Spain the legal system does not protect women like me.

[@sandramarie4983]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/oZO2YaWwZ5aUn68si=4uiTOXZRRSittVjM good explanation of the team sport

[@donde2k]

Please look up Dr. Ramani’s videos on narcissism here on KZbin, they are FAR MORE informative and truly helpful.

[@Mrodriguez69]

Same brotha …

[@pamelaranchwoman4559]

Narcissism does not always stem from trauma. My husband's step daughter was raised like a princess. She wanted it, she got it. The household revolved around her needs, her wishes, her wants. All others had to take a back seat to her tantrums, manipulations, contol mechanisms, lying, lack of empathy, selfishness, and numerous demands. All others needs came second to her wants. I had this selfish bully in my home only 1 year. A PHD psychologist said that her Narcissism was due her mother and 2 grandmothers putting her on a pedestal the first 3 years of her life. I know that you are right, narcissism can come from trauma, but it also can be learned by being raised with no discipline. I heard her mother say that her daughter is never wrong and even as a 12 year old was so much smarter than her teachers. Step daughter was taught to be narcissist.

[@lauraw.7008]

Maybe she is a sociopath or psychopath?

[@leanna107]

Pedestals are something that narcs place people on. So likely there was a dysfunction there and the worth was superficial

[@barbaraguthrie5107]

Over indulgence is child abuse!

[@lukeparsons1187]

That is trauma. People seem to think that trauma needs to be some overtly negative action or set of actions. However, spoiling a child is a form of abuse if it's done with the exclusion of all other type of treatment. If you're treating someone in a way that is contrary to reality and you are training them that this is normal, that is a form of abuse.

[@pamelaranchwoman4559]

These are interesting concepts. I never thought of spoiling with no discipline as trauma or abuse, but it made sense after I gave it some thought.

[@Blou-]

I overheard a conversation an old man was having with a younger man I think was his grandson. ‘You gotta break her in like a horse break her spirit’. I will never forget that ever.

[@chrino21]

Well, maybe he knew SHE was a narcissist. I suppose it’s possible.

[@Blou-]

@@chrino21 why wouldn’t he just break up with her that makes no sense lol

[@chrino21]

@@Blou- Good point.

[@SusanWinsel-df7xw]

🤮

[@exoterick333]

That's pure evil...

[@EmilceMaldonadoPaul]

Mel.....this is the best talk I've ever heard!!! I got married in only 9 months and every stage is exactly what happened to me. I thought I could read people....but I was dooped by a narcissist without even seeing it develop the way it did!!!! After 14 years together I walked out and didn't look back!!! Thank you for bringing her to your program!!!!! God bless you.

[@nesfromthewestneverendings7480]

Wow that took strength after all those years. Good for you !

[@joanknotts2764]

Mel your video is extremely important all makes sence I don't have the problem but someone I know does I urge everyone with any of these examples to watch your program seriously and don't lose your identity

[@becsta365]

I’ve been through physical and emotional abuse with my mom that she ruined me with my own self esteem in life. The constant building you up saying you’re brilliant then bringing you down saying you’re hopeless over and over again. The tantrum flying off the handle so suddenly etc- yes. The constant lying and trying to blame me saying she’s never said anything and that I’ve made it all up - and triangulation with gaslighting - incredibly hard. All of it. For decades. It’s only recently that I’ve learned about Narcissistic personality disorder- at 51 now I can finally begin to understand it’s NOT me. Thank you. Finally I can begin to heal from my mother’s claws by walking away and setting boundaries. I am in control. 🙏 (yes my mom had a traumatic upbringing.)

[@nicolewisniewski4045]

We’re dealing with this now with my husband’s parents. And it only is really coming out now because we are setting boundaries and recognizing their behavior and not rushing to their whim/attention/schedule anymore. And they can’t handle us being authentic and real and so we get rejected. And when their manipulation doesn’t work, they turn around and blame us. Tough situation, for sure, but at least we are putting up boundaries and protecting ourselves and our poor teens who feel it, too.

[@maygonfly]

I am so, so sorry. When the one person you are supposed to trust with every vulnerability and internalize their words as gospel truth --especially when you don’t have any way to control your environment or the courage to challenge her or her words. Sending ❤❤❤ and prayer for you to learn how to seek and , give receive love from good people. There are skilled traumatologists to assist you in reducing the power of triggers that continually traumatize you. Also there are therapists skilled in Internal Family Systems that can speak to all of the ‘protectors’ you’ve been forced to create that prevent you from being or feeling vulnerable.

[@Petticolaslove]

It's not normal anymore

[@Laurie911]

Exactly the opposite of what she said. You should be a narcissist according to her.

[@ThoricFlames]

Thank you ladies!!! I can’t believe how many people are dealing with a narcissist in their life right now; I am making a change right now, life is very short ❤😊

[@denaelliott7593]

Good on you❤ peace will come your way, trust and believe me when I say that. Leave, don't do anything else, but leave. The rest will follow! One step in front of the other, I KNOW you've had enough. I left two weeks ago. Whew, I was in deep because we lived together I stayed for far too long. Almost four years! My life is MY life now and when I tell you the peace you will find, have and discover..nothing will make you ever thing about going back again. You deserve it 🙏🏼

[@KarimaInvestor]

Thank you so much! I am going to leave; I stayed way too long…Thank you so much for your support ❤😊

[@marcypeyton4867]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (certainly different from just being a Narcissist) is THE SECOND HAND SMOKE of mental health, according to Dr. Ramani. Please, arm yourself with knowledge and understand one thing: THEY. NEVER. CHANGE.

[@arlene8284]

Ÿou àre dealing with a xevil

[@arlene8284]

Wrong information, 😮

[@lindal3272]

“Are they? Do they feel fear?” 👏 thank you, Mel ❤️ I don’t see that in my narcissist. I sense audacity from them more than anything.

[@JillNawrocki]

Thank you for this. I just was beating myself up for not fighting my ex for more money but he would have drug it out for YEARS just because he loves the feed. I had a narcissistic mom then married a covert narcissist for 20 yrs and got out! He tried to drag me through the mud, all I care about is that my kids know the truth about me. I can’t control what he says about me but I stand in my power and my authenticity.

[@grateful7420]

Expect the worst from your Narc ex with your kids- I speak from experience. My Narc ex damaged my kids & my relationship so deeply. Talk to your kids continually about what is said about you so you can address & dispel the Narc lies. 20 yrs divorced, my son recently told me their dad would constantly tell them, “your mom didn’t just divorce me she divorced you and abandon all of us” when I had 50-50 custody, I was the one who did all of the homework with the kids, help them with projects, put them in sports, took them to sports, made sure they had clean clothes and sports uniforms, make sure they were eating healthy and learning to be kind and responsible humans etc. He just played with them on the weekends and destroyed their hearts, Their personal confidence, and made them feel abandoned by their own mom. Narcissists can be pure evil.

[@marthavanderpool6829]

Amen. Evil personified.

[@marthavanderpool6829]

Good for you!

[@amypatton6730]

Knowing how they became that way doesn't make any difference when you are married to them. There's no cure for them, but there's a cure for you, and that's to get the hell out of Dodge.

[@UDUAKUDOFFA]

There is a cure for them. But because they never admit anything is wrong, they never seek help, and so they are stuck.

[@argosatori]

It's not about winning. That's narcissistic thinking. It's about being at Peace.

[@realliving7340]

Amen❤

[@geew9983]

I agree 100% I’m finally at peace, and it’s not at all about “winning”.

[@geneboris33]

Rebecca...always struck me as being narcissistic. As almost to the point of her posing as some kind of "disinfo agent" inflicting false info into the empathic community seeking help from narc abuse..

[@desireemcnicol6155]

If you listen properly it is about winning the peace and good life for your kids. Did you hear the part about having a vision such as being able to sit next to your ex at your kids concert and enjoy it together ? This video is certainly nothing about winning just for the sake of winning.

[@Blou-]

Exactly I don’t want to win I just want to be left alone by these people

[@crazyDIYguy]

This video just changed my life and gave me the extremely painful truth I've been avoiding for years. I've been addicted and delusional hoping and praying it wasn't true but they literally describe her perfectly. The love of my life. Wow.

[@deborah10ism]

God wanted me to hear this podcast I had to isolate myself from everyone to understand that it is not me and I can’t fix anyone but myself and get back on track .

[@earasmith3884]

Amen!

[@bridobrien7483]

yep, same as! I'm glad I'm not the only one who went that far!

[@Letstalkwithtahra]

These type of relationships are straight up spiritual warfare and if you are not calling out on the Lord and standing on God's word to bring you through this type of situation you will not make it through go check out the video by pink girl teaches it's her video about rumination it's 2 hours and 21 minutes long but you will most definitely be set free after you see that video. She addresses dealing with a narcissist from a spiritual aspect

[@jenniferarmer106]

Me too! I’ve been struggling and struggling with understanding all of this.

[@sophiachampsi8953]

My ex was a Cerebral/ Covert narsissist. I was the perfect target as I am an empath. I never even knew that narcissists existed. After 5 years of almost becoming a shell of the person I was, leaving and returning, believing that he really was sorry and was going yo change( never happened and actually bdcame worse each time), by chance I saw a Dr Ramani video and realised, nope, he's not bipolar, he s a narcissist, and finally I was able to walk away and go No Contact. Its 2 years now, I m almost back to being me, but there will always be a tiny part of me that is lost...

[@geew9983]

Same story here…. Freedom from the narcissist is like sterling gold!

[@texasrodeogirl3814]

I got out too. It takes a couple years of PTSD type feelings to have total freedom and peace.

[@kathleenpopata9718]

A wee comment you are complete No longer in torcher I'd feel sad for him leaving him this completes You he is the one with a huge part missing You Leaving has broken the addiction holds he manipulated so deceptively mind games on you Celebrate your Empowerment your worth it😊

[@christinemilham2847]

Pray, be patient with yourself, and take small steps each day toward being your whole self

[@bettyboop8173]

Best comment here!!❤

[@BunnyFett]

Yes

[@the_kimberlyclark]

God bless your empathetic spirit. 𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓾𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝓑𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓮𝓭 𝓘𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓮𝓭 ❤️‍🔥✝️😇

[@chantalishimwe4090]

I was totally crushed and still on this healing journey for more than 8 years and no major progress. How long does it take to heal completely?

[@YannaSigalItskovichHess]

Thank you so much for bringing this topic up. Hope I can deal with my husband’s narcissistic patterns without going crazy every time . We are married for 7 years and I become the “crazy” wife… unbelievable.

[@anitadiener2307]

I am . . . Getting in a car TOMORROW w/ a narcissist and her “toxic stew” . Thanks to you, I am PREPARED to SLAY the dragon and ENJOY Thanksgiving weekend. I have been DREADING , DREADING this road-trip! I’m going to take my power back. And STAND up for myself AND my family. Valuable information! Thank You for sharing your insightful wisdom!

[@BonnieMattalianoCarlson]

How did your trip go Anita Diener? Been thinking of you.

[@carolejackson8357]

@anitadinner how did it go?

[@Adam-xs3ng]

Maybe it didn't go well? You don't slay these people, you absolutely minimise any contact with them, don't respond to their tactics, you are dealing with someone with the emotional literacy of a 5 year old. When a child throws a tantrum you don't do the same as them. You show maturity.

[@melaniebelk75]

Take a book and tell them you are reading. That helps me. Lol

[@maryray5059]

Just PLEASE ! Stay Connected to your Intuition and Be SAFE !

[@stephennelson1687]

My covert narcissist child is married to a grandiose narcissist! Talk about EXPLOSIVE arguments! They conclude they’re always both right & focus on how everyone around them is messed up. They are NEVER wrong, NOT EVER!

[@dawntaylor6163]

I am so grateful for you and your videos. I didn't realize that I have been dealing with narcissistic people for DECADES.... I just also realized that being around them, it feels like I'm frozen in time and don't and can't respond or stick up for myself sometimes. Their words chock the life out of me sometimes. I get upset with myself because I didn't defend myself in that moment. BUT.. after dealing with the last boyfriend that was a covert... I'm slowing healing and getting control of me and my life again. I have learned to just let them talk, I pay attention to what they say. When they try to insult me, I remain calm and say whatever I need to say to defuse the situation. They either stop or look confused. I'm proud of myself so far.

[@Lynda-t6z]

Don't believe narcs don't remember what they said. They KNOW & REMEMBER what they're doing. Smart from beginning.

[@deborahbuchanan3238]

I think this ‘Blindness’ you discuss helps us understand and not react, so it is very helpful, thank you. The only problem with ‘feeling sorry’ for the person is getting sucked in again and forget the unpredictable way they can behave. I think staying in vigilant mode with boundaries is key.

[@rolliecrafts255]

Exactly never ever let your guard down these people never change..they pretend to forget things but know exactly what they’re doing..one word 🏃‍♀️ RUN

[@lynnlamont3485]

I had to deal with a narcissist who thought he was in control of me and our situation, so I took the control away from him. He thought he was the bomb and had many people fooled. He was very condescending, thought he was smarter than everyone else, mocked his friends, manipulative, etc. He just thought he was going to control me. I had to show him otherwise. He is no longer in my life and that's fine with me. He was and I imagine still is insufferable. I just can't be bothered because life is too short and precious to waste. I taught him a lesson and I was done.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My mom did the same, she divorced his sorry ass self! He is still "insufferable" and I just don't care about his problems, that he caused us. He's pathetic!

[@carolineprestage4650]

I wish I could Lynn

[@stylist62]

Just coming out of this, haven’t seen him 8 months, my healing was going good, I am so tired broken hearted, I had no idea, The covert sucks the life out of you, I still feel his energy, I had no idea what I was dealing with. He was highly deceptive manipulative I can’t stop thinking about his cruelty, a covert is so evil , God help me heal, they are very charming humble kind polite in public, but it’s a mask, they play victim and slander you. Kill steal destroy everything, and project it all on you.

[@ladyvirgo013]

I hear you!! I was brutally discarded by my husband of 12 years 6 months ago. They are very dangerous and the pain is horrific, the ptsd us for real. I pray for you♥️🙏

[@stylist62]

@@ladyvirgo013 Thank you, God is fighting for us🙏❤️

[@katzee7268]

Evil comes at us with such a pleasing face, but a soul that is dark and empty. But Jesus loves us so much that He chose to die to restore us rather than live without us. We are of great value to Him. A precious gem that is priceless and perfect in His eyes. But evil is jealous. Evil will use all his tools to steal your energy, kill your soul, and destroy your value. You must choose whom you will believe. The one who says you are worth dying for, or the one who says you should die and stop wasting the air. One way or another we have all been where you are. But there IS hope!

[@katzee7268]

❤🙏🌹

[@stylist62]

@@katzee7268 beautiful 🙏❤️thank you , thank you for the encouragement 🥰it means a lot 💞very well put, it’s what it came down to, the thief comes to kill , steal and , destroy, this is definitely sadistic a spiritual war with them.

[@SquashBlossom62]

I've learned a lot about my narcissist from this video!!! Thank you 🙏 Mel and Rebecca!

[@kerriferhaoui]

Ppl feel helpless when they know what I’m going through. Especially since he’s SO nice and helpful to their needs. And appears to be generous to me too

[@andercat4480]

Wow, perfect timing for me! Just getting out of a 30 year marriage with one! Thank you, Mel and thank you, Rebecca!!!!!!

[@journeylvr]

@andercat4480 I got out of a 23 year marriage. Settling the property settlement took several years!!! Good luck to you. You will relish your eventual peace and serenity!!

[@susan8663]

I’m filing today…I think

[@Cherlann]

It was 20 years for my sentence/marriage. It’s taken me over a decade to get myself, much improved, back again. If you are unhappy and feel you’re dealing with a narcissist RUN. GET OUT ASAP.

[@deezahm9143]

God’s speed - my marriage was 35 years. Good for you!

[@susan8663]

@@deezahm9143 thank you and congratulations on your loss!! I been down for 19 on the 19th…he decided to “be honest” about lying by bullshiting and lying some more. Best gift ever…so sweet! Of course I’ve been paying for it ever since…last night he let me know that he should’ve seen the red flags and this morning at 4am he lets me know “the truth” about myself then assures me he’s just stating the truth and not trying to be mean at all and he’s not going to fight. I replied with 2 simple true facts. He responds with “I wasn’t trying to start my day like this

[@claudiapmuller5227]

By my experience with narcissist I can tell that, they are abuser, selfish, insensitive, no compassion for others, and more. They also want to win every single argument, no matter what. They never accept to be wrong. It's always someone else's fault.

[@wendyface6473]

My family. And it stinks. But they are a$$h%$#

[@walloffire2225]

Yup! That's a Narcissist!

[@geew9983]

My ex boyfriend exactly

[@amaechinaifunanya8288]

You’re so right and if you get to offend them or do sth that hurts them, they would remind you and condemn you for the rest of your life.

[@ldisalvo88]

I had a really odd situation. My mother was dying of cancer and asked me to come take care of her and my father while she dies she had five months to live. However, my oldest sister lived in their home and would not leave while I had healthier boundaries than my parents. They became complete enablers of her behavior, which was severe, I put up with abuse from her the entire time my mother was dying. S My sister killed my dog and poisoned another because she had manipulated my parents and my sisters and anyone else who would listen to her of course she was the victim and I was a horrible person. How I prevailed is I got into therapy immediately for my mental health and support. Then I wore my camera like a body cam and she went ballistic because all those things she was doing insane something different for people to hear or being revealed. I also put a surveillance camera on our refrigerator because she said she would poison me, she was losing control and getting agitated. She got pushed a little too far and went after me physically which I recorded I got a restraining order and she was removed from home. That’s how I protected my father from having to continue living with her until he dies. She doesn’t drive so this is the only thing that I feel keeps everyone else safe. I’ve never felt so incredibly low in my life going up against this crazy narcissist woman I lost all relationships with my four sisters because of this manipulation from my oldest sister , my brother turned on me who had always been because of the narcissist my sister. I will never ever have a narcissist person in my life again .

[@cherylgleason3666]

Good for you using tough strategies to record her behavior. Excellent. Your great compassion to create a peace zone for your father required the courage and strength needed to plant yourself between he and her. Bravo to you! Job well done.

[@natalielorena6597]

MEL!!!! Thank goodness i found this. I'm deep in the awful, heart wrenching trauma bond. I'm at home feeling empty & broken while he's busy love bombing his new victim on a romantic trip to Rome. Trying so hard to stay strong with zero contact, but we have a little one together and so i know at some point in the future I will have to deal with him. Im listening to 8hrs a day on KZbin of therapy vlogs and anything to help me. This one struck so many chords. Thank you so so much.

[@ALowe-d1d]

I hope you are secretly recording his rants and any domestic violence if you will need to keep your child. Anything he does he will get his monkeys to lie. He knows your child is a good way to keep you subservient. While he is away is a great time to file and leave. That will probably trigger a huge response. A very small camera and a couple filming cards will help. Also try using cloud incase he finds the camera plus once you are gone you can still record and view from cloud to see and hear what he may be planning. Stay away from the house until the divorce and decide your life. Hope this helps. Amen

[@OphiuchiChannel]

you need to let go to take care of yourself. Stop giving him your time.

[@Leslie-xo9gy]

Born into the cycle, married and escaped a high functioning alcoholic enabled by my family, in 2019 a drunk driver hit me head on. It was my only child’s senior year, mom enables my ex. My profound pain was amplified but one thing I knew was, they are projecting. I went inside myself to detach from all of them right when I needed support the most. Mel and Rebecca have carried me along with therapy, tons of self reflection on how wanting their validation was my poison. The day I realized I would have to DIE to get their attention I also understood that my life story would be told on their terms. I refuse to let my daughter believe that story of her mother, there was no thoughts of self harm- NOT gonna happen. No matter how hard my journey is, it’s my life and my story and only I shall write it. This is an awesome video of two GREAT women who themselves get hit by narcs from time to time. Why? They are whole enough to love others. Stay whole no matter the bleeding, stay you, stay kind and you’re healing will start to become YOURS without them. ❤️

[@gabrielehalley8533]

❤

[@belindakaylani5054]

Concur…raised by two, father abandoned & sent to Catholic school which is another narc institution that says feel guilty about bad parents. Battering, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, conditioning, grooming & about killed myself to please, be accepted, a crumb…

[@MaryYaeger-xz9gj]

Thank you so much for your comment! Your wisdom and courage has really touched me deeply! I had to read it aloud quietly to absorb it ! We will continue to heal and to grow, and we will overcome evil with good! I am so grateful for these videos, and as I grow stronger and my faith in God deepens and seeks higher ground, I can forgive the narcissists in my life, and I can release them to God’s care! ❤Remembering Romans 8 and the old rock song that goes…” We are the champions. my friend, we’ll keep on fighting ‘til the end!” I think it was by “Queen?” Never give up! Have compassion and grow in knowledge, yet learn to put your head up and let it go! We cannot change the narcissist, only God can do it! Release them and forgive yourself!

[@MaryYaeger-xz9gj]

Dr. Ramani has helped me immensely, and I also am very grateful to Dr. Sam, Dr. Les Carter, Dr. Phil, Paula, Andrew, and others on KZbin! Also, there are helpful documentaries and the classic movie,”Gaslight!” We can learn from each other and we are stronger together

[@tonnieverse4038]

When a mother is that deceitful...and mine was...it cuts deep. All of us survivers are hero's!!!!!!!

[@viviankirkham1677]

Remarkable!! This is what hope feels like. One of the things I gained is that they didn't pick you because you're a piece of crap..no, it's because you're so valuable. Wow! again. Mel, you're a bright shining star to myself and so many. Thank you BIG!!

[@les9058]

Ya, the victim is very valuable to them.... Just don't want you to realize.

[@shanastanek432]

They prey on you because you have no boundaries or self worth.

[@biaaliya]

Narcissists are so common these days that you can't avoid them. I think it's smart to acknowledge and accept what they are are develop strategies to deal with them. The covert ones are very sneaky! It's so unbelievably common.

[@SuperBabe772]

Agreed

[@emmarae4322]

NPD is different from narcissistic traits.

[@kd2262]

I’ve watched many, many videos on narcissism and narcissistic abuse and this was probably one of the best ones that I’ve come across.👏 You two broke it down so clearly all in one video - completely on point!! Thank you!!!

[@jeriwesolowski9743]

You two lady's are very thorough with this ...I am a victim of a narasastic and I'm emotionally drained and angry ,scared ,anxiety, depressed YA KNOW, and as I heard your show just know you guys uplifted my spirits a little bit with the knowledge you gave me on what to look for and what to do about it... thank you very much for your show here ...

[@kimberlyasborno1250]

I learned all this firsthand. My ex. My mother. I now keep my distance with boundaries but it has taken YEARS to finally not get sucked in( except sometimes I still do😢) You are absolutely dead on. The lies, the pretense, the gaslighting are all real, & very degrading. I now preserve my self worth but it has taken years to develop strategies to do so. Walking on eggshels and never knowing when the other shoe is going to drop is no way to live. No more!!

[@yanivanderberg2490]

Listen to this with an open mind. Narcissistic behaviour is not excused. The truth is that we can't always cut these people out of our lives, but we can try and understand it and instead of taking their behaviour personal, understand that they have a problem. You are not the problem... They have issues, which you cannot change. Either decide to live with it or RUN!!! You are in control. I am so happy to know that not only did this person choose to be a part of my life, I choose to be a part of theirs. My life is in my control. Thanks for the reminder!!! Some narcissists have really good hearts and their behaviour is a struggle to them too... It's not just about them remembering what they said or not, but the context and what they imply is a disconnect for them. It is very close to living with someone with a mental illness. Unfortunately there are no meds or treatment for them...

[@h.a.s.42]

This is the best summary here, very nuanced which is a hard position to be in for victims of narcissists. Both narcs and their victims suffer from splitting and have a hard time not to see the world in colours black and white. I now see my narc mother as a vulnerable, handicapped person, a child really. Not because I want but as a result of decades of healing from the abuse. Using empathy is really important when dealing with the narc but just on an internal level, because contact with them will suck your life energy, sends you to depression, anxiety, panick attacks, phobias, in other words, life in fear. So I believe the best thing is to go no contact which is also so difficult as they installed so much guilt in you. It's truly a fucked up dynamic. It is always going to be part of you, the past, the wounds. You have to evolve extra energy to keep looking after yourself, it's draining. Having a narc parent is a terrible thing. I don't wish it to anyone.

[@Txagentlisa]

While listening to this, I'm realizing a lot of people have at least narcissistic tendencies, myself included! I couldn't understand why I'm so sensitive, but yes, I went through major childhood trauma and now understand why certain things trigger me. I don't need power over people, but I desire approval and love from others, which I've already been working on. This just helped me connect the trauma to the "why". Thank you!

[@Thecraftyblacksheep]

Narcassists don’t have the ability to self reflect. Since you’re able to do this; means ur not a narc. Just something to think about

[@sparklingwater-of7sq]

I agree with the comment above. True narc has no idea of what self reflection is. That's why it's pathological but hard to diagnose, cuz true narcissists find nothing wrong in them.

[@CatsMeow14]

@@Thecraftyblacksheep I'm not sure I 100% agree. I personally know people who were deeply narcassistic recognize their flaws and work hard to improve. Most won't. But, it is possible. It is just like someone with any mental health crisis - they must come to a place where they realize their brokenness, accept the need for help/change, and doing the hard work to do better. It can happen.

[@brendarewan7441]

He should have been made to pay the alimony. Non negotiable.

[@Iamchristaelaine]

I disagree. Narcissistic don’t watch this kind of content.

[@TigerlilyMal]

Good discussion. Among other things, I was a DV advocate until I retired 18 months ago. While the “why are they that way” is interesting from an intellectual point of view, I saw it (too often) become an excuse for people to remain in toxic relationships. Their loving hearts wanted to help the toxic person heal. It NEVER happened. Narcissistic personality types don’t heal/change. Address the behaviors, the cause is irrelevant.

[@kimberlylynch3852]

Thank you so much for this. ❤

[@KeleighSchwartz]

Thank you. That's a trap I fall into. A friend recently said, "Stop assigning your good heart to other people." It hit me smack in the face. I do that. Because I would want someone to show me compassion and loyalty, that's what I offer. But to do that with a narcissist is to ignore the data, everything they have told me about themselves, and assign my own striving to be the best me I can be to them instead. I've even argued with them about their potential! wow. No more!

[@geehappyhips]

I knew my ex had experienced breathtaking cruelty from his mother as a child - so I found it hard to leave (and of course my own self esteem was in the gutter after time spent with him) It’s very sad - but the truth is - they wreak a lot of damage. I fell for the damaged little boy.

[@pattravora320]

I know my spouse came from that as well (that’s why everyday is a battle trying to understand him and trying to help him adjust to be a better dad). How to break the cycle? I tries to shield my kids and not wanting this narcissistic passing down or effects to my kids so much!

[@blondefox69]

I certainly get this. I have been married for 40 years to a Narcissist. I have found my power, and even more so watching this. Thanks for confirming everything. We must be tough.

[@dawnarellano7903]

WOW I'VE BEEN TRYING TO LEARN ABOUT NARCISSISM AND THIS IS THE BEST EVER!!! THANK YOU MEL GIBBON'S 😊

[@heidikrueger4271]

Mel I can't thank you enough for bringing on Rebecca Zung. What she said today in this episode makes things so much more clearer in regards to my mom. I am buying the books and learning more because I thought I was crazy. What's interesting is that while I was listening to Rebecca I started to find myself having more empathy and compassion towards my mom. We haven't spoken in almost 4 years. Not sure I want her back in my life because I would be inviting all this drama back into mine, but at least I now know it's not because she doesn't love me.

[@annkornik4813]

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[@brigitteleafbarnes1441]

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[@brigitteleafbarnes1441]

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[@brigitteleafbarnes1441]

@@annkornik4813 ikkol

[@HH-gv8mx]

My mother is a covert narcissist. She is the first one to show up when someone has cancer etc. but she has never showed up for me when I needed her. We didn’t speak for almost 6 years and she is the one that holds all of the power in my family. I was not allowed to go there for Thanksgiving or Christmas and then that caused a huge divide in my relationship with my sister. My mom is very wealthy, so she holds a lot of power in that regard but now I am invited up for Thanksgiving, but I don’t really feel like going. I know that the real holiday is Christmas with my sister and my niece and nephew and her family will be there and I’m never invited because they pretend there’s not enough room not really sure what to do. If I don’t show up for Thanksgiving, she sets the narrative that, I don’t come up to visit. But at the same times she makes me feel uncomfortable and I never know how it’s gonna go. I always feel a lot of anxiety and stress Especially during the holidays. There’s a lot of pretending that things that they did to me like the $40,000 I lent them never happened.

[@susieharper2981]

My experience with the most extremely abusive, narcissistic person is that it was both conscious and subconscious. Every single characteristic of an extreme narcissist has their photo next to it. However, there was also a lot of projection and also really believing their own lies.

[@Enjoyingutube]

I don’t think they believe their own lies. I think they pretend to believe them, because that makes them innocent in their minds.

[@AnthonyManzio]

@@Enjoyingutube I'm from Canada. What is your advice? Same here being bullied, mobbed, gaslighting, harassed at the hospital for over 12 years. I've happened to be the top worker for 38 years and have never been suspended. These bullies are jealous and miserable people. Union, manager, HR and the police are all totally useless. Bullies are lazy bums and stupid managers are scared of the bullies. They say about me I'm crazy, I drink, I'm a stalker all bs defamation of character. The biggest mistake since they removed disciplinary measures. They should arrest the bullies and fire the manager. Action speaks louder than nasty words. It destroyed my reputation. I will never quit to make these lazy bums ever win. If I decide to transfer to another hospital and may start gaslighting, smearing and bullying me once again, I don't know all the new managers etc. like in every department like now. So best to not change hospitals. I will never let bullies try to control me from quitting. Just don't react and not try to defend yourself which will only go back and forth making me look even more guilty. Action always speaks louder than words. Just best ignore them and find another easier target. Never let these low life lazy coward bums ever win.

[@GiseleAzerad-l4t]

Had a Rehab director who was a narcissist , I understood exactly what what she was doing , but she was my boss .I decided to quit ,that was my only option .I feel much better !

[@NylainScotland]

This is the best explanation of dealing with a Narcissist I’ve ever watched. It’s such a relief to understand it and also finding your own power to understand it. We hear about this topic a lot but don’t always understand it fully.

[@evb1601]

Wow ... 22 years with a narcissist. I married too young in the mid 70s and I was only 20. I stayed for the kids because I had no options. I have learned so very much here. Thank you both. Much love.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad trashed Mom, us. She divorced him. I have nil to no contact with him. Very few people put up with his garbage.

[@markhammer9975]

Supply comes out of you in a number of forms and they use a number of dramas to make it flow. Intimidation, being inquisitive, being aloof, playing poor me, being cutesy, joking around and sometimes they just see you in a bad opportunity and they take that opportunity whatever it was. These have helped me like shields have.

[@ChiliCat..]

I just bought two of her books based on what I learned here. Thank you. I don’t agree with every word she spoke, but I still think there is merit and value in her lessons. Please know that they can control their emotions, because if they couldn’t, then there would be no delineation between the outward good guy and the inward monster. It takes control to hide.

[@maureensheppard3613]

Yes they know exactly what their doing,& what they have done.Their liars shrewd, horrible, play the victim, usuarious,chuch going santimonious bible quoter?? Vindictive,violent,taking your credit,threatening, parasitic,manipulative. They constantly criticise ,& put you down privstely& even in front of others too .Laugh when you cry & at the worst moments;& actually delight in your sadness, even when they cause it.All the while they present a good guy image whilst slandering you.Get out. RUN. Their evil.I dont believe there is a cure for them.He never had any childhood drama .Must have been both covert & maliginant narrissist,& a big bastard too. Only God if God chooses.,& maybe them...?

[@Kari-w5v]

Rebecca you are getting a tremendous response!! People don't want or need to be afraid anymore or threatened with "" shut up don't talk" . Show it for what it is. Yayy.