Signs You’re Dealing With a Narcissist (New Research From World-Leading Expert Dr. Ramani)

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Today’s episode is a masterclass in narcissism.
If you want to know how to protect yourself from a narcissist, you first have to know how to identify one.
You’ll learn the top 10 personality traits to look for, how to handle a narcissist in your life (that you can’t avoid), the difference between ‘love bombing’ and infatuation, and a whole lot more.
Joining Mel today is Dr. Ramani Durvasula (@DoctorRamani ) a clinical psychologist and one of the world’s leading experts on narcissism.
Her mastery of all things narcissism has made her the #1 most requested guest on The Mel Robbins Podcast.
Dr. Ramani has been researching this topic for over 20 years and is here to give you the wisdom, practical advice, and well-researched tools and tricks to navigate what is one of the most unpredictable experiences: being in a relationship with a narcissist.
According to Dr. Ramani, 1 in 5 people has narcissist traits, which means you know (and may love) someone who is a narcissist. After you listen, you’ll know what to do.
Dr. Ramani's website: doctor-ramani.com/
Follow Dr. Ramani on Instagram: doctorraman...
For more resources, including links to Dr. Ramani’s book, website, and social media platforms, click here for the podcast episode page: www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/e...
Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: / themelrobbinspodcast
I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode.
In this episode:
00:00: Intro
09:54: What we need to change about the narcissism conversation
11:11: The top 10 characteristics to help you identify a narcissistic personality
12:36: What is the empathy flip flop?
14:04: The one quality that makes a narcissist different from a vain person
18:51: What if you think you’re a narcissist?
21:16: Two questions to ask if you’re concerned that you’re a narcissist
22:15: How to manage a relationship with a narcissist (that you can’t avoid)
26:07: Two of the ways narcissism begins in a child
31:12: Why does it seem like there are so many narcissists?
36:12: The 3 things to look for if you think someone in your life is a narcissist
38:48: What vulnerable narcissism looks like at work
41:24: Does a narcissist understand what they’re doing?
43:33: How to identify a narcissist personality in a room
45:57: The #1 myth of narcissistic personalities
46:28: What is malignant narcissism and why is it the worst form?
48:25: The second myth of narcissism and why we have to be careful
51:46: Where TikTok is getting it wrong with narcissism
53:19: The third myth of narcissism
56:22: The shocking estimate of people with narcissistic personality
59:31: The one thing narcissists especially do NOT like
1:02:11: What does ‘love bombing’ look like and how can it happen in families?
1:08:19: How to tell the difference between love bombing and infatuation
1:11:45: How the ‘C-Suite’ is the gateway to love bombing
1:14:24 Why narcissists are nice sometimes and other times not
1:21:27: The story of a former client that broke Dr. Ramani’s heart
1:25:08: The #1 topic you want to know about when it comes to narcissism
#narcissist #narcissism #relationships #relationshipadvice
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[@NolaCaffey]

Dr. Ramani deserves a Nobel Prize for telling difficult truth with clarity and courage. She may be changing the world. 🌷🙏🌈🔬🕊

[@tll5293]

What a BULLSH*T!! She's medically and scientifically totally WRONG about this topic!! Can't believe she makes her name and money by being totally WRONG about this topic! Open a GODDAMN MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC BOOK! 😡😤

[@dianecooper2]

Yes she deserves the nobel peace prize (sincere not sarcastic)

[@Listen_before_you_act]

One trillion percent agree

[@Fishsticks007]

Tragic how many people have been emotionally and/or physically abused and trapped in relationships with or grew up with or work for. I was entirely unaware until I got romantically involved with one. I was just thought some people were annoying or difficult or weird … but now I see what it really is is …. They’re toxic !! it wasn’t me it was them! I wasted so many years looking at myself wondering why is it so hard to get along with some of these people, i’m not saying I’m flawless but I check my behavior I’m compassionate I don’t abuse people I don’t try and make them feel bad. THEN it became obvious others around me who also are similar (but I’m not in a relationship with them)-like that friend of mine from childhood who always just gives me a uncomfortable feeling like it’s so hard to sit and just listen and not worry that they’re going to say something mean or just disagreeable that I have no response to.

[@suedesignable]

She IS changing the world!!!❤️❤️❤️

[@melodykuhn4015]

“ just because we can explain their behavior doesn’t make it acceptable” 🤯❤️

[@Ronda061206]

I wish understanding the behavior took the pain they cause away!

[@ddddsdsdsd]

They should live among themselves

[@katspray]

Absolutely !! 👍

[@springBloomsinAwe]

Acceptance is a key to healing

[@jamiecraig8301]

Rise above them and don't let them bother you.😊

[@kungfupanda1705]

"You're in love and they're in power" - 💯💯💯

[@sugarplum1978]

Yes!! This comment blew me away as well. Mostly because it is SPOT ON!

[@dlwilliamson5644]

@@sugarplum1978 Yes, with this statement I understand "mic drop".

[@goodgoodGod123]

Right!! Powerful statement

[@user-ji1yr1qs1n]

😂

[@taniazachari157]

This idea is devastating when for so many it is a parent and not a romantic partner 🥺

[@spiritualrainfrances]

"Using you as their pacifier and punching bag" - LOVE that - so true.

[@andreahunter2471]

Seems to me, if the narcissist knows what’s he’s doing, then he might be willing to intellectually choose other pacifiers and punching bags that ARE acceptable, so they can get their “supply” and sense of control and security in an acceptable manner. If there is no alternative source of pacifier or punching bag, then how would we expect the narcissist to choose to just sit still and shit themselves. We could try another impossible feat: the whole of the human race starts accepting that people might shit themselves and it’s not a failure, so by taking away any sense of embarrassment.

[@carolsaia7401]

I think some people have narc traits in their personality and child abuse can turn it into a disorder.

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

the root of both narcissism and empaths are childhood abuse. In my own family, three children - I got it the worst, as a sensitive person, fighter of evil and lies, whether it was happening to others or me, and the one who was enabled, is the narcissist. She does't care about any one. What prevents pain from become disorder, is healing which includes and involves humility. With out honesty with self, there is no honesty with others. We can all grow and change....if we want to@@carolsaia7401

[@EH23831]

Watch out for communal narcissists amongst social workers and psychologists… they can be drawn to these “saviour” jobs and the perceived power - very damaging

[@robinantonio8870]

Drs nurses judges lawyers and cops too

[@anniem2777]

I’m a mental health nurse… this point is so true. I’ve met many narcissistic nurses

[@Cherry-kt8zo]

Yes,Jordan B Peterson comes to mind.Toxic.

[@lindaschultz7900]

Spot-On !! I fired 2 therapists. One of them criticized me and one fell asleep on me!! No joke!

[@lindaschultz7900]

​@@robinantonio8870Also, Surgeons, Clergy, Journalists, Chef, CEO's, etc.

[@user-ep3nz3ur4h]

Left after 33 years. I couldn’t have done it without dr !!!!thank you!!

[@turnbacktime65]

What a milestone for you! Pat yourself on the back. 😊

[@cathyeads4193]

I got out after 29 - *finally* I accepted that person was not capable of having healthy relationships, no matter how much therapy, how much work he did to try to change behaviors, he is emotionally disabled and unable to establish and maintain healthy emotional connections, authentic empathy for anyone, or healthy behavior patterns. The relationship was transactional for him all along. It took me WAY too long to accept this truth. And it was damaging to our children as well. I was full of shame for a long time for not leaving sooner. Dr Ramani’s work was a huge part of what helped me accept that it was never gonna change. I could stay and suffer or leave and rebuild a much better life. So grateful I finally did the latter.

[@Priya_the_princess]

She saved my life i tried changing this person for 7 years n tried to tell him how i wanna be treated for 7 years of marriage n then i went through her n left ❤ shes a life saviour to me n to soooo many ❤

[@suedesignable]

Good for you!! May the rest of your life be very happy and peaceful. ❤❤❤

[@carrie6157]

40 years ! Thank you

[@RastaVidaOffici]

Run so fast and don't look back...i did and it saved me and my son's lives

[@angelbabe7422]

I survived a two year relationship with a covert narcissist. It took years to heal from a nervous breakdown and chronic illness. My friend of 29 years started to become brainwashed into the smear campaign and then believed me and supported me for a few years. She was recovering from lupus and we started to heal together. It was very sad to hear the she was manipulated by him by making her feel sorry for him because he “needed support” turning into a woman. She took her own life five months later. She was only 34 and a beautiful soul. Covert narcissists can be very dangerous because they can manipulate all their friends and family into believing the mask is who they are

[@EmsLionheart]

I’m sorry for ur loss 🫂 I hope ur tomorrows are filled w happiness & laughter & peace 🕊️

[@Cpsc111]

I’m very sorry for your loss. May you find peace and acceptance in your grief and love respect and security in your life ❤

[@JamFlava1]

But you choose those men? Isn’t that a bit hypocrisy that you’re blaming them? I mean you choose them lol. Take some accountability will you….

[@bbgoins1418]

Yep. I didn't have friends of my own. 'Our friends', were all his friends. None of these people ever saw the side of him that terrified our children and me. He wore his mask diligently. I had a friend of his ask me if he hits me, I said no(because he didnt) but his words and actions made up for that.

[@bbgoins1418]

@@JamFlava1 yes, but he was not the person that he later became.

[@valcat1274]

Having one in your life makes every.single.thing harder! Life is in many ways is a struggle to begin with, throw one of these monsters into the mix and you're screwed.

[@josmclove4426]

😂😂so true! 😢

[@karenandersonrealtor]

My mother is a narcissist with borderline personality disorder. As much as I’ve educated myself on this subject, I learned so much from this podcast, which was was truly helpful in realizing that the narcissist views other people as disposable who don’t matter enough. Time to get off the merry go round for good with toxic people!

I am Not sure you can be both. I think there are similarities and actually derive from the same place (insecurity) and often can seem to be mixed, however, the reasons for need and validation and control are different , narcissists are predators and the boderline ones are needy and do things out of fear of being rejected and not loved. Narcissistic types are afraid of losing control over you (they never cared to begin with). Some say Jeffrey Dahmer is a boderline so I guess an extreme version of this syndrome could do unimaginable horrible things as well. So to finish it off, there is also a HUGE difference between these two disorders: borderlines can actually get better. Narcissists NEVER change.

[@petras3953]

@oooo trust me, you can! That’s my mother. Borderline with strong narcissistic tendencies. If you dig a bit, you’ll find connections. It’s a horrible combination!

[@Chris-kl2xz]

Trust me, look up Cluster B disorder. It’s a mix of different personality styles. I know someone who has it

[@harleychic2359]

😢 count me in..I've been far away from my mother who's extremely showing narcissistic behavior it was so bad😢wth my childhood and adulthood nobody understands me..they think I am a bad daughter but it's my mom's.proganda to take me down being able to be away from here taking my kids wth me.... I HATE NARCISSIST THEY ARE EVIL EVIL...

[@Chris-kl2xz]

Yes you can have cluster B which includes both narcissistic and borderline traits as well as antisocial and histrionic. Look it up Pedro

[@lucynamycio4393]

I was married to narcissistic person, it was very hard to leave that marriage17 years together- but I did it and I am so proud of myself. He dragged me to courts another 10 years because our son was 8 years old when I left (3 kids) . He was still controlling me emotionally through emails. I forgive him for everything he did to me and my kids , to FREE MYSELF ❤️

[@kaylabryson1932]

How to forgive ? I was abused 35 yrs til I figured out narcissism he had

[@turnbacktime65]

Fantastic! You have a great healthy attitude. I’m glad you’re proud of yourself. 😊

[@lucynamycio4393]

@@kaylabryson1932 you have to write forgiveness letters to him , put everything what he did to you and then burn that letter , do it us much as you need it , being mad at him you stuck in the past, you need to free yourself emotionally from what happened, because it’s not serving you. This is passed and you can not change it , also write forgiveness letters to yourself and burn it . Live today , be happy 😃. We are creating our life’s . All the best

[@jangriffin-fi1yx]

I am proud of you too 💐 Want to tell you that I can only imagine what you have had to go through as extremely difficult situation when kids involved. One good consolation is that you have not only come through it, but come through it a stronger human being ❤ know no one will come the raw prawn with you ever again 😀 All the best for a happy future.

[@lucynamycio4393]

@@jangriffin-fi1yx thank you 🙏

[@suzisaintjames]

The way I deal with a narcissist is to walk away and never look back! Sending lots of love 💖 from sunny 🌞 Arizona 🌵. Take care of yourself and each other 😷.

[@rakheepatel9212]

Easy to say if it’s not your entire family

[@suzisaintjames]

@@rakheepatel9212 , you have to decide to be happy and being able to breath on your own or being with a group of people that is all about them without any regard to your well being either mental or physical, feeling truly stifled... always holding your breath because you know that any moment the other shoe will fall. Always looking over your shoulder checking to see if you've made any mistakes. My advice... walk away, far away. Run if you have to and then make a new family that cherishes you and puts your wants and needs first. It's not easy, but if you want it bad enough you can do it! And there's thousands of people who will support your journey. 💖🌞🌵😷

[@meridiane29]

it’s easy to say when you are all grown up but when you are 6 is an other story

[@suzisaintjames]

@@meridiane29 , no at 6 you believe mum & dad can do no wrong and that what ever is wrong is your fault. And you believe in Santa Claus. But if you live long enough you realize that you've got to get out of the situation. Once out, you've got to stay out. 💖🌞🌵😷

[@suzisaintjames]

@@meridiane29 , if you were that 6 year old, I'm sorry. But I'm glad that you survived. If the 6 year old is someone else, and if there's nothing you can do, report the family to child protective services. Sometimes knowing that they are on CPS's radar, and there are consequences, makes them toe the line a little better. Most places you can report anonymously. If you are a service provider (teacher or babysitter or medical provider) you can suffer consequences if you don't report. Doing the right thing is never easy. 💖🌞🌵😷

[@lisamr40]

I remember when I realized that there was something not right with my husband. His brother had just passed away suddenly. He was sitting there saying how this stuff always happens to him. I asked "do you really believe that the universe said, let's screw up your life, on purpose, and have his brother die?" AND HE SAID YES! Straight-faced and serious. I thought "WOW." Never did he think that maybe I was upset or our kids were upset about the loss of someone I knew for 20 years or our kids just lost their uncle. He never considered asking us if we were ok. The entire situation was made into his issue. Very sad and difficult to deal with. Thank you Dr. Ramani and Mel for bringing this topic to the forefront. ❤

[@bn2593]

My dad is a narcissist and his mom died. We are all so so saddened. He acted as if he barely knew the woman and could care less. These people are something else

[@IshtarNike]

My vulnerable narcissist wife, daughter of a rich family, literally said to me she thinks no one else has ever suffered like her. I couldn't hold back and I asked, what about war orphans and refugees. Her response? Yeah but I have complex PTSD from my abusive mother, war is JUST ONE TIME. I couldn't fucking believe my ears. The level of delusion was off the charts. That definitely got me starting to wonder wtf was wrong with her.

[@bridgettemietling3674]

My ex and I were driving and we ran into some traffic caused by construction..he started wigging out and I was like "hey, it's ok, it's just some traffic." And he said "no! This is to screw up my day!" And on and on and on, really taking it personally. And I said "do you think they came out and put down construction barrels just to ruin your day?" And he said yes. Lol okkkk

[@Justice55339h]

Kinda sounds like you were being the more selfish one, it was his brother..and lamenting a lot of bad things happening to you doesn't automatically make you a narc. I hope there was a ton more to convince you he was a narc because people way overuse the term.

[@NotFamous-vm1is]

​@@Justice55339hlol yea

[@kristencampbell7993]

If you’re with somebody they you’re with them for like 2 to 3 months and everything just feels like a fairytale run because what they’re doing is they are conditioning you and then they start showing you their true colors and it’s not good. I was with a narcissist for 11 yearsand it’s like they do something and then they blame you for it and they they make you feel like it’s your fault. All I can say is run. I didn’t know that my ex husband was a narcissist. My marriage counselor told me to get out

[@constructenglish1]

Both Dr Ramani and Mel are two humans that I genuinely think are true empaths and both at the top of their game. We are blessed that they are on our side. Thanks guys for all you do

[@tll5293]

😂😂😂😂 you've got to be kidding me!!! What a BULLSH*T!! She's medically and scientifically totally WRONG about this topic!! Can't believe she makes her name and money by being totally WRONG about this topic! Open a GODDAMN MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC BOOK! 😡😤

[@evakober9873]

I started my Metamorphosis in 2020 with Dr. Ramani. She definitely deserves a Nobel Prize. As to my experience, buckle your sit belts tightly before you start because it is a Ride… 💪😢 to say the least. Now in 2024 im still learning new things about Covert Narcissism which i grew up with.. but came so far already. 👏👏👏👏. Im thankful for Dr. Ramani channel.

[@yvettelopez9912]

One year ago (1/14/2023) I listened to your podcast and you talked to Dr. Ramani about this very subject. That day I call my freedom day! I am now planning my exit from a 36-year marriage. I hope to one day pay it forward and help others in the same situation. Thank you, both for saving my sanity.

[@turnbacktime65]

Go, Yvette! You can do it. Love your idea of helping others.

[@noemisolano4748]

After 24 years of marriage I'm planning my exit from my narcissistic husband.

[@deanshort9011]

I was in a 35 yr relationship/marriage. I finally gathered her toxicity could not be loved away. I had “sunk costs” which lead me to believe I should keep trying. Finally a friend said what are YOU going to do about it? That was a turning point, a key to my personal transformation out of that relationship. Plan your strategy, don’t fear this new opportunity, reclaim your embrace of happiness w/out them. I did it and when it’s time, that’s the right time. 😎🎉🫶

[@claremilei173]

I left a 35 year marriage. I never thought I’d have the courage to do it. You can do it. And the relieve after you have is worth it.

[@JamieJones-qs6jq]

Through therapy I have found out I have several narcissistic and toxic family members, I was soooo close to going no contact. Gave it one last shot. A deceased relatives house needed clearing and I was bieng pushed out and treated like a child (I am mid 40s) . I calmly said it was making me feel uncomfortable and un trusted. I want to step up to the plate and play my part like my 2 sisters. I was told I was silly, too sensitive and had a persecution complex. I stepped back and that was the final straw. They cannot be reasoned with and they will never change. Thank you Dr Ramani for your fantastic insights

[@user-rs8zb1tu5i]

Me too. Mother went to a nursing home and we had to clean out everything. I have to deal with something similar.

[@JamieJones-qs6jq]

@@user-rs8zb1tu5i stay strong

[@celegleeson1767]

this conversation is fabulous. One thing i decided a few years ago is.. I look at how someone is treating me.. How would they accept the same behaviour if it were done to them. If they wouldn't put up with it they are deliberately treating me badly.

[@genawhitney243]

I don’t believe the one I am dealing with or most of them are even willing to even think about how they would react if they were treated the same. It’s always. You are the blame of everything never ever them.

[@celegleeson1767]

@@genawhitney243 -can you ditch them?. that's why I decided on my new judgement system. If they mean to treat you as less than, what are we doing suffering at their hands. If been clearing my life and I feel so much better. More energy. More self respect and focus on what It is that I Want to do for me. No more selfish people for me. Good luck. I'm 67 and am only now getting better at this. It takes so much courage. It's like they dare you to stick up for yourself. Sorry I'm ranting.

[@sandrakrahn6163]

And, it’s definitely intentional!😢

[@saras781]

​@genawhitney243 it's exhausting if you do try to evoke empathy from these types. They almost always behave like a toddler when you ask them, "How would you feel if someone treated you that way?" It's like it doesn't register at all. They'll respond with rage, passive aggression, or silence.

[@celegleeson1767]

@@saras781 . It's not a relationship. Not in the way normal people engage. If been soughting this out for many years. One step at a time. One person at a time. It's incredable how much energy you have to put into your own priorities when you sought things. I remember preying for insight and courage so I would have insights I needed to see clearly. Then courage to make hard decisions. There are no easy ones when yr knee deep. When you have had enough just walk away. Sounds harsh doesn't it. But it is the bottom line. I also preyed for a change of circumstances, bit that only works when you are truly ready to back yourself up. Otherwise you just attract it again. Same person or someone else. It's that we are the magnetic attraction that draws it to us. We have to change the neon sign to say.. "not here buddy, move on." Ha ha ha I like that. Might make a book mark with it in.

[@starlajene6188]

Nailed it when you said HARMFUL. Daily dealings with a narcissistic personality you realize how harmful they are to you & others... Not occasionally hurting someone's feelings but regularly HARMFUL to others. There's almost a cycle or pattern to the harm they inflict on others.

[@clairehartley860]

Dr Ramani introduced me to the term of vulnerable narcissist and it explained a situation I was in at work. It helped me move past the idea that I was to blame and that this person had issues. They were not nasty but they were manipulative and used every one around them but came across as very sweet and incapable. All was good as long as they didn’t have to actually do any work because that it when we got the melt downs…and the blame throwing! They wanted to believe they were the best but couldn’t bear the reality of being seen to be the worst in the team.

[@dawnturitto8442]

I think you may have been working w my former teammate! Spot on.

[@Louloupetals]

Love the both of them. I’m trying to get away from a narcissist. My goal is to be on my own by June. 🤞

[@krishely5955]

I wish you well 💜

[@candacegabrielle9679]

You can do it!

[@Louloupetals]

@@krishely5955thank you so much

[@Louloupetals]

@@krishely5955I’m terrified. He made sure I was totally dependent on him. Lost friends and family members along the way

[@noemisolano4748]

@Louloupetals I'm right there with you. I too am living with a narcissistic. My goal is to live on my own by May of this year. 🤞 We got this!!! Stay strong @Louloupetals and don't give up on your goal!!

[@EMuro-wu7uy]

Strong boundaries are a must for everyone. They are absolutely essential to a better life. I was raised with a narcissistic mother and sister. The damage was like looking at a war torn country internally. My mom was an undiagnosed bipolar depression person, who was abused horribly as a child.

[@rakheepatel9212]

And into adulthood…but thanks to dr R have the tools to radically accept and see how fake these vamps are and protect me golden blood!

[@dee003]

Love bombing, vulnerable to get sympathy to suck you in... So many things. Can't believe it has taken me almost 20 years to see this. Gas lighting, Jekyll and Hyde personality 😳😳😳 scary to think I have missed this for so long. Made to feel it was all me. 😢

[@turnbacktime65]

I’m right there with you. Took me years to see it. I can’t leave for financial reasons. To get back my sanity I changed my behavior. When he throws a tantrum (he’s 76) over something not to his standards I just calmly look at him and walk away. If I’m driving…the other day…lol…he got nasty. Real nasty. I turned the car around. Parked at home and got out. I also calmly said “ you are not allowed to speak to me like this. I will stop whatever we are doing to remove myself”. I am getting my hair done, dressing better, taking care of my skin. For me. I hope you find peace and courage.😊

[@kittykatFL23]

Dr. Ramani saved my relationship with my mother during the COVID lockdown with her narcissist videos ❤ I’ve learned so much from her, and I already pre-ordered her book! Dr. Ramani is a saint 😇

[@tll5293]

What a BULLSH*T!! She's medically and scientifically totally WRONG about this topic!! Can't believe she makes her name and money by being totally WRONG about this topic! Open a GODDAMN MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC BOOK! 😡😤

[@CycleBreakerDragon]

My narcissist mother trained me to go in and spy on everyone in her family and report back to her when I was 4. Working the room was a skill she was taught by her mother. 😢 I didn't equate it with narcissism until now... dang.

[@768Random]

Dr Ramani is the best, knowledge is a gift and she has spoiled us and helped us so much. Grateful for her work beyond measures.

[@tll5293]

What a BULLSH*T!! She's medically and scientifically totally WRONG about this topic!! Can't believe she makes her name and money by being totally WRONG about this topic! Open a GODDAMN MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC BOOK! 😡😤

[@karinkeith9814]

The point made about how narcissists treat people as a disposable object really hit home. Right after listening to this podcast I happened to play Kendall's song "pass time" (which the words of her song truly resonate with me too) and a huge light bulb went off for me. Being a "pass time" is being treated like a disposable object. It is not acceptable!

[@dennyfie]

I was just that an object,

[@starsandbeyond5848]

We had this girl in our work team that was constantly unhappy with the ideas my boss had for our work. Whenever we had lunch outside the office it was non stop complaining. When it came time for bonuses she hacked the computer of our boss to see who got a bonus and when she saw I got one for the first time and she didn't, she went after me with such hatred. Everything I did pissed her off and she had talked about me to others so badly. We finally had enough and told the boss what she does, all twenty coworkers and she was fired. Everyone gets along perfectly after she left, it's a healthy environment now and work gets done.

[@sid8483]

Omg you can call her 100 times and I’ll still watch❤love her and u

[@bbgoins1418]

I was married to a narcissist for 19 1/2 years. Even though he never hit me, I was terrified of him.

[@staceystrukel1917]

I feel you, I still am afraid.

[@bbgoins1418]

@staceystrukel1917 my ex-husband married a thinner, pretty woman, who filed charges against him for pushing her down. A few months later(during their divorce) he suffered an episode with his pancreas (35 yrs of drinking heavily) he was in a coma and in the hospital for a very long time. Even after all this, nothing has changed(except for not remembering alot of what happened in the past) I was FINALLY able to tell him how much hurt he caused and the mental and emotional scars he inflicted upon our children and myself. Just being able to not be afraid to say what I needed to say to him was so freeing. It was a huge weight lifted. I am so happy to not be in that marriage anymore. God is so good.

[@marierose6792]

Sometimes I try to imagine what it must be like for a narcissistic person, who's whole existence is acting in order to illicit a reaction from another. The puppet master mindset is really like an addict getting a dopamine hit, pushing this button or that button. What an empty existence. They do not have access to positive real tender emotions. They are a black hole. A well rounded human did not form.

[@NolaCaffey]

Both narcissists and their victims suffer from the illusion that another person can heal their wounds. We can support each other (friends, family, shrinks) in healing, but it is DIY in the end.

[@fafakahsay4427]

Wow my favorite topic I was with a narcissistic person being married. I lost everything myself 😢 mental health. My emotion, my confidence 😢 I'm still struggling to lead my life as a normal person. Even though I liberated my life from him .

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Me too: Narsisist Mother, sister, and x husband

[@ashleyloteri]

Praying for your healing ❤

[@janetkenny4861]

The narcissist doesn’t see you as human and uses you to self regulate and someone they can go off on,. Wow never thought of it this way, makes so much sense in how this played out in my marriage, and why thinking somehow what I said or did would make any difference in how he treated me, and the hope the next time he would be nice to me.

[@thesehandsart]

Dr Ramani, I have so much love and appreciation for you. Not only have you helped me over the past few years but the way you speak makes me feel like I have a friend and ally out there, despite never having met you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@lwontherez7927]

My narcissistic former spouse has more than five of the nine narcissistic traits, which qualify a person to actually HAVE NPD. Even entitlement; but did not necessarily treat waitresses, waiters, store clerks, etc. with disdain or contempt; but rather, “metaphorically snuggled up to them…That is, treated THEM with special treatment! Like, “I’m the BEST guy you’ll ever MEET!”

[@staceystrukel1917]

I was going to say the same thing. Their entitlement is by behaving like the nicest person so people kiss their ass. My ex has all nine traits and definitely has NPD.

[@orianam9835]

Narcisist 😉 i heard about this special kindness to waiters etc

[@Chris-kl2xz]

Flirting?

[@cassiesalter5442]

Sounds like the "nice guy" narcissist. (Can be a woman too)

[@user-dt3wm8rn4j]

Family hurts. It isn't the real idea of family. Playing sides is sad. Alone is actually better for this one.❤

[@cellosong]

Dr. Ramani rocks! She is a true expert on narcissism and the most helpful person in the field.

[@tll5293]

What a BULLSH*T!! She's medically and scientifically totally WRONG about this topic!! Can't believe she makes her name and money by being totally WRONG about this topic! Open a GODDAMN MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC BOOK! 😡😤

[@din6887]

This would help those who are going through thé relationship, and feel less hurt because they now understand that all the confusing behaviour of the other person is narcissism .

[@juliebryson4998]

Omg that’s makes me feel so much calmer …….. I can see what’s driving his bad behaviour but it’s not acceptable to treat me like he does!

[@lhyllianamarseilles]

You need to leave before you don't recognize yourself anymore.

[@mayleyhorris]

As a Freelance designer I usually get a Narcissistic client ever 4-5 months, and it takes me 2 weeks to pick up on it and on the 3rd week is when I get the deep confirmation and cut ties. Starts with professional love bombing - eg. pitch an incredible idea filled with false promise and amazing potential or name dropping future work they have for you with huge clients and large budgets. "The buy in" stage this is my benefit of the doubt/hope stage as well. The 3rd week is usually when they make a scene in front of their own employees (group text thread, group email thread or zoom/physical meeting) and try and embarrass you/put you on the spot about your work in some kind of way using shame. Also its usually the week I start to feel completely and utterly confused and bamboozled by their barrage of contradictory information, how far the direction of the project has veared and changed beyond the agreement, and they have some how managed to occupy every minute of your schedule that was assigned to other clients. Thats when I cut ties and move on. Its like being in a circus!

[@mayleyhorris]

And how could I forget, when you do end the relationship professionally and courteously they explode!

[@Cherry-kt8zo]

I felt shock when I knew this to be true about my husband. It also opened my mind to identify it in my mother.

[@YUSIN117]

Dr. Ramani is the reason I subscribe and now she is the reason I came back to watch your content 😆

[@anthony6420]

I think Mel is the best thing on the Internet. ❤ she has not only changed my life, but most of the people in my life are obsessed with her. She’s funny straight out and honest.

[@tll5293]

What a BULLSH*T!! She's medically and scientifically totally WRONG about this topic!! Can't believe she makes her name and money by being totally WRONG about this topic! Open a GODDAMN MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC BOOK! 😡😤

[@penster2283]

Wow, what a revelation. I think I’m a narcissist. It’s devastating to know that even if I do get help it’s almost impossible to change my behaviour. Thanks for this enlightening podcast. I’m hoping to watchI again and again to keep making me aware to at least temper some aspects of my behaviour.

[@heathernewby6146]

A true narcissist will never admit it… you probably have more of a trauma response issue…. Probably from childhood… find that root and you WILL change ❤

[@martinboyd447]

A TRUE NARCISSIST will happily admit it and laugh at you for being a naive fool who is going to be the world's bitch (if they've ever seen you in a moment of weakness). I don't believe the "covert narcissist" will be pejoratively categorized in a decade or so. It's a mixed bag that people confuse like Mel did many times over in this interview. People are simple except where they live in their heads.

[@lucynamycio4393]

They WILL NEVER ADMIT THEY ARE

[@penster2283]

Because I've displayed rage and anger towards my husband for my sense of entrapment in our marriage (never getting the support to grow my art career). I always felt a bitterness towards him that eventually turned to rage. I'd act emotionally immature and was rude and degrading to him for my shortcomings; for not being supported to pursue my true destiny. And I'd use him as a punching bag. I was kinder to strangers than to him. I've also, often enough, expressed anger towards my children (whom I love), as they represented the result of our union and reflected in me the things that I lacked to give them, like a happy loving family life. They feel I'm often angry. This coupled with the fact that I have low self-esteem (especially after getting married) and I often require evalidation for things I do. This conversation really opened my eyes, I now consider myself as possibly being a narcissist (or at least someone who is highly emotionally immature that I didn't allow my intelligence to control these shameful scenarios). I would have to get diagnosed to be sure but, boy, I sure have all the qualities @@Lavon_Professional

[@penster2283]

@@heathernewby6146 I hope you’re right. It still is a good eye opener for my behaviout, making me a little more accountable.

[@tracydavis6373]

It's really hard when you were so starved of any real care and validation your whole life and then someone shows up making you feel special is like a drug I think

[@susanfields245]

1000 %!! I was hooked on that drug for years and years, not realizing I was so desperate for that attention and “love” because I DID NOT get it as a child. 😢

[@cassiesalter5442]

Yes, 100%!

[@chaseTheCase9]

Got chills when she was saying how when they get in the car, they unload for an hour…. When I was married to my ex wife, I had no idea what narcissism was. But now I know. I got out so lucky.

[@DigitalCasm]

Something that's bizarre to me is how many parallels there are to the traits of a vulnerable narcissist, and being a recovering highly sensitive People Pleaser with CPTSD. I used to always be very hypervigilant. And I know that the darkside of people pleasing, or codependency is the over-the-top not enoughness that bleeds on to other people. The compulsion to help, and over give, and the rage and entitlement that come with the poorly communicated boundaries, and the burn-out cycle stick in my mind also, as a "different path" to the same place. Entitlement, and rage even if I didn't seem to take it out on others often. When I was younger, I remember feeling extreme shame and acting out. I know I'm not a narcissist, but I'm having a really hard time integrating the recognition of just how much closer "I am" to narcissism than I thought.

[@aq6536]

Exactly what I have been going through!

[@elinor1473]

Just replying here to say I am in a similar boat and can really relate to the shame in childhood you mentioned there, and the frustration from not communicating boundaries through people pleasing. I am currently in pretty bad burn-out also and your comment highlighted to me that my own narcissistic beliefs have been a contributor to that. This has been a great video for victims of narcissistic personality styles to be recognised and validated, but also to for those of us who have these behaviours and elements of narcissism to recognise it within ourselves. Wishing you all the best ☀

[@parisaforpeace]

The majority of people with trauma do not become narcissistic.

[@ai172]

When Mel praised Dr . Ramani especially in the intro, I choked and teared up. Thank you Mel and Dr. R❤❤

[@ericachitwood2465]

Did you notice rami shaking her head no (left right) after Mel said she was glad to have her. Mismatch here. I wonder if she was truly happy to be there. I also think, at times, rami likes to hear herself talk. I think she is super smart, but ironically, I see some arrogance in her.

[@tll5293]

What a BULLSH*T!! She's medically and scientifically totally WRONG about this topic!! Can't believe she makes her name and money by being totally WRONG about this topic! Open a GODDAMN MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC BOOK! 😡😤

[@tll5293]

​@ericachitwood2465 100% agreed! This is what I keep saying! Her behavior is not normal, she's extremely ARROGANT and the way she Opens her eyes in her videos shows her "mental" side. I know because, it's a typical behavior of psychopaths (scientifically!)

[@noemisolano4748]

Mel and Dr. Ramani thank you for talking about narcissism and bringing light to a topic that I rarely hear about! In my state I have not found no support groups or services for survivors of narcissistic abuse. I wish there were more services in place to help survivors.

[@tll5293]

What a BULLSH*T!! She's medically and scientifically totally WRONG about this topic!! Can't believe she makes her name and money by being totally WRONG about this topic! Open a GODDAMN MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC BOOK! 😡😤

[@jackielaventure2761]

Personal therapist that works with survivors or narcissistic abuse- those kind of therapist are out there and can save ur life

[@carrie6157]

Narcissism is what I’m married to for 40 years !! And didn’t know until I found your videos… thank you!

[@merin797]

Btw..thank you both! You’re both helping ALOT of people. 1000%.🙏

[@bsttr8846]

You right!

[@heatherjohnson2940]

Love Dr. Ramani. Brilliant and clear in her descriptions of narcissism with a genuine empathy. Can’t wait to read her book. Thanks for having her again, Mel!

[@tll5293]

What a BULLSH*T!! She's medically and scientifically totally WRONG about this topic!! Can't believe she makes her name and money by being totally WRONG about this topic! Open a GODDAMN MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC BOOK! 😡😤

[@psycheread3258]

Can you please turn up the sound, Mel? I can barely hear it! Dr. Ramani has helped me so much!

[@EmsLionheart]

All I want is to be loved. I could live in a car, if I felt safe in the love around me. Does that kind of love really exist?! I’ve heard about it…I think I may have experienced something close, a very short time, a long time ago. As it goes, others butted in, declared “no, this happiness is not for you” and then proceeded in stealing that chance...in the worst way possible. I’ve never been the same. 🕊️

[@JKB-ji6xl]

I often lovebomb my cat: 'How's my little beauty queen?' But it never goes to her head.😉 Great discussion. Thank you!

[@sbg4ever120]

“She’s sitting with you but her eyes are on the door.” ~ Maneater ~ Hall & Oates 🎶

[@latchkeykidfilmsLLC]

I literally said whoa at the same time Mel did to that, "You're in love, they're in power"- Know the difference". I got it.

[@richm3693]

I listened to this podcast twice and within the first 5 minutes you commented on clients who've been married 40,45,50 years and now realize for the first time what they got themselves into and had they known they may have done something different. We've been married 54 years, age 72 and now I understand why my wife is the way she is, I've explained it away all these years but now I need to figure out what I can do to enjoy life because she is not letting me enjoy. I look forward to reading the book!

[@gladyselisagonzalez6096]

Dr. Ramani, if you're reading this, I want you to know how grateful I am for you. You have changed my life and helped me to understand the last 23 years of craziness that I could not have figured out on my own. Eternally grateful! I am healing now.

[@eo4zoa]

Dr Ramani and Mel changed my life for good. I’m forever indebted to you both. I wish I knew about the term “narcissism” and what it means in relationships sooner. I learned all about it at the age of 35 because of some family BS I had to deal with. I have become a better person, self aware, aware of others and their behaviors, all in the last couple of years. Living a much better and peaceful life now and know how to spot narcissists and how to deal with them. Your books and content about narcissism should be taught in schools, at a very early age, so kids grow up to be confident and self aware adults. World would become a better place to live in. ❤ love you so much Mel and Dr. Ramani. I shared both of your names to my friend who is going through some tough times.

[@Jackles22]

A Mel Robbins and Doctor Ramani podcast duo. I’ve paused to write this quickly but a big thank you Mel for the fantastic informative introduction on our Doctor Ramani she’s helped so many people understand and heal from Narcissistic abuse and the trauma of having narcissistic parents, relationships and friendships which has a huge impact on their lives and now seeing that again you wonderful women have come together to further widen this discussion has made so many peoples weeks so thank you lots. I look forward to continuing to watch and take in more food for this brain. Big loves from New Zealand xxx

[@cherrybacon3319]

I've seen all this video and I have to say it almost brought tears to my eyes. It helped me to have Clarity and some Acceptance of my truth. Thank you.

[@tll5293]

What a BULLSH*T!! She's medically and scientifically totally WRONG about this topic!! Can't believe she makes her name and money by being totally WRONG about this topic! Open a GODDAMN MEDICAL AND SCIENTIFIC BOOK! 😡😤

[@pj218]

This interview is quite possibly the worst I’ve heard downplaying how serious narcissistic abuse can be.My ex was nice to everyone socially and abusive as hell to me behind closed doors to the point everyone thought he was a great guy. He was never arrogant in public.He lead double triple lives. The manipulation was insane. It’s been hell recovering and I’ve been stalked the past year

[@shadeekamendez1743]

"I am saddened because that's how many ppl are being hurt." VERY.WELL.DONE.DR.RAMANI. She is speaking from truth

[@providerpowermoves]

Understanding their behavior is completely on purpose is initially shocking. It can take time to grieve the entire situation. But once you know...now you have power and you can get out of their way and hold them accountable.

[@shekar222]

Sometimes, it is you. It is the codependent in you that allows the narcissist to stick around.

[@Cherry-kt8zo]

Stop

[@lindaschultz7900]

Ok Dr. Shekar223.

[@juhisadhu2324]

It's pure good karma that you both met each other.. n our good karma that we now know how to deal with the problems we were facing coz of the narcissistics in our lives..totally grateful to you both from the bottom of my heart..Dr Ramani deserves the Nobel peace prize...❤

[@dkelley6244]

I personally believe that you inherit narsasism. I tried to understand the "why?" That's my conclusion. I should have a PHD in this field. Both of you are amazing. Saved my life a few times. ❤❤❤❤

[@IshtarNike]

I think it's usually inherited via the narcissistic abuse. My narcissistic ex literally came from a line of narcissists lol. Her grandmother was a covert narc who abused her kids and her husband. He reactively abused her. The shitty upbringing of her mother turned her mother into a raging covert narc. Her mother's abuse drove her father away. They got a divorce in a conservative foreign country 30 years ago when divorce was a massive taboo. And finally, her narc mother abused my ex and she became an incredibly sneaky and manipulative vulnerable narcissist who hid her rage and manipulation so well I didn't see it for years.

[@konnierad]

Explaining the behavior. I do this constantly because the narcs are siblings. It is so hard when you think you must love them.

[@user-ut5rr8jc1v]

Thank you Mel and Dr Ramani! I appreciate you both so much and it was so comforting as well as empowering listening to this! I got divorced from Narc last Spring after a 15 year marriage and now have to continue the abuse as a coparent of my two sons. It is SO hard but listening to both of you today makes such a difference just knowing that you both get it!!! Keep doing what you are doing ladies! You have both helped me so much in this journey!❤

[@meganaspden7771]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I don't know what to do anymore, I have an extremely toxic, hateful bully of a boss that has ruined so many lives over 10 years. I love my job and the other people I work with so I don't want to leave. He has an almost super natural way of manipulating people and getting away with whatever he wants. Please help me, I don't know what to do without focussing on him but I still want him and his darkness out of our lives 🙏🏼

[@trudyramgren8817]

What an awesome interview!! Hello to you Mel and Dr. Romani. I want to thank you both. I'm finally out of my nightmare with my ex narc. It's so freeing that sometimes I feel giddy. Lol. I have to say that it was extremely hard and hurtful to know I was with a Narc. I had divine intervention, I did lots and lots of research and listening to people like yourselves , got me out of it. I have to say though that Narcisstic abuse leaves its scars. It's horrible on how I was treated but I received clarity and processed it all in my mind. He wasn't real, just a facade. Most importantly I love and respect both of you ladies who help us women get our integrity, self esteem and our lives back. Hugs ! ❤❤

[@dawnwatkins5530]

Dr. Ramani has 100% been a HUGE help for me while I've been going through a divorce after being married for 32 years. Education is POWER! Thank you for all that you offer!

[@garyrotg9964]

Mel, Thank you, you've helped me understand my sad situation in which I was in business with a narcissistic older sibling for 30 years who refuses to this day to buy me out! I never understood how he could not understand how I feel! You helped me realize that he doesn't understand empathy or feelings! Now I have no choice but to go legal and it's the hardest thing but it's the only way out for me as it's destroyed me in every way, financially, health,, ran off all my friends and family with my bitterness! The business was divided 60/40 for doing exact same job but he's 6 years older and we grew up no Dad and working Mom so I was his servant for life. 50% hgher pay for life because he was born first and feels smarter, better! etc. Your channel helps me greatly! Thank you!

[@AutumnBardotAuthor]

Dr. Ramani fan here!! She helped me so much!!

[@MNP208]

I've started watching "The Truth About Jim" documentary. A great example of narcissistic personality disorder! He checks all the boxes of Dr. Ramani's descriptions.

[@sethdaniels4410]

I read her book "Its not you". Extremely useful

[@arenee118]

I remember my youngest sister when our mother died snatching up all the photos. When I called her on it, she said, "I just lost my mother." I shoved that away, convincing myself that it was a result of the grief. Years later, when our mothers mother passed, I got four boxes in the mail. I couldn't attend the funeral as it was out of state and I was in the middle of a contentious divorce. My aunt asked if I needed anything. I told her I could use kitchen towels, dish clothes, towels, and washclothes. In those boxes, there were stained and torn doilies, stained white gloves, and other damaged junk. There was one washcloth and one towel. Talking to my aunt, I found out that the youngest sister packed the boxes. Okay, the picture is developing. When our father died, my youngest sister put claim on all the really nice items. When two sets of silverware were found, one went to my oldest sister and the other should have come to me. My youngest sister snatched it up and pranced around, chanting, "Oldest and youngest, that's the way it should be." Additionally, a framed photograph that I wanted became a point of contention, with the youngest sister saying that all the photos were to be kept together and she was taking them. Okay, the picture is becoming more vivid. A year later, I'm planning a visit to my aunt who told my youngest sister I was coming. My youngest sister called me and we talked. I mentioned to her to have the photograph at our aunt's place for me to pick up. When I arrived it wasn't there. Youngest sister comes to aunt's house and an argument ensues. She wants to go to Gettysburg with us, so I said for her to give me the photograph and she could go. This is one framed photograph out of forty! She acted like no one had ever said no to her. My daughter ended up yelling at her to leave me alone. A few months later, the photograph comes via UPS. I fix it as best I could and hang it. On a visit, the youngest sees most of the filigree has fallen off and blames me of allowing my cockatiel to pick it off. I tell her that the frame was damaged in shipping. A month later, a hear from my aunt that the youngest sister is spreading a story that I allowed my cockatiel pick the filigree off the frame and I shouldn't have the photograph. I don't know, but the picture has developed and I think my sister is a narcissist. If not a full narcissist, she has a lot of the traits. Everything is me, me, me with her and when we talked on the phone, it was always all about her. Went no contact four years ago.

[@user-cx5qi1mx6p]

A narcissistic personality style complimented and critical.

[@shanereilly9216]

Two of my favourite ladies. Mel is just a legend. Dr Ramani helped me heal massively after a narcissistic relationship ❤

[@AdamWestish]

Like you're show so far, Doctor Ramani is a real treasure. this is all information People should learn in their personal lives and business relationships too, narcissists are everywhere

[@Caimera77]

Mel and Dr Ramani in one meeting together!!😍, my two favorites🎉🎉🎉

[@genawhitney243]

Thank you so much Mel!

[@mm7846]

I love this! Thanks for having Dr Ramani 🫶

[@MelissaHMA1A]

Oh I have had this backstabbing at work, now it makes sense!

[@goofykitty286]

I’m definitely listening to this again. Very helpful.❤

[@donnayoung4289]

Yes, live it daily, and it's hard, but I do it.

[@christinestrider6406]

Will be sharing for sure🥳🥳

[@candacegabrielle9679]

Simply, thank you

[@lizweed8595]

Thank u Mel, love your channel!!

[@johnjosiah8839]

I’m truly grateful that I know if I ❤ my wife enough I’ll do the right things ‼️‼️‼️👍

[@Louloupetals]

Just pre ordered the book. Thank you. 🙏

[@memesfarmhousedesigns9254]

Yessssss!!! Early childhood is my superpower and SE development has always been my concern and even more so in the past 10 years!! Thank you!! I appreciate you!❤

[@dianahogg6164]

Thankyou. Great video.

[@leregarddeMasarang]

Thank you you two wonderful women ! ❤

[@jadegreen1554]

Well of course Dr Ramani has the most views and everything else. She is speaking TRUTH to the narcissistic epidemic we’re all living in and have no clue what, why and how to deal with it.

[@tdhawk167]

2 of my most fave people! They are 2 of the most informative and caring people! Thank you for your work, your sharing/teaching brings clarity and encouragement, awareness and strength and healing to my life, and in my observations, to so many. Yeah, thank you doesn't begin to cover it. Much love to all

[@joncampeau8932]

Watch both episode with Dr. Ramani. Love this one, it was powerful. Love vs power, deep awarness.