painting a self portrait & talking about depression

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Hi! This is a very different kind of video for me; I want to start talking a little more about myself and what I'm learning, and I've been loving self-reflection and personal growth. I'm learning a lot about my worldview and perspective, and it's been very helpful going to counseling these past couple of months. I've been struggling with depression and grief, but I'm on an upward path.
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[@nahnahb7753]

I really resonated with the whole "not like other girls" mentality and how that really screws up self-perception. I'm in my 20s now and I'm also learning to shrug off the internalized mysoginy that plagued me throughout my youth. Your vulnerability is a breath of fresh air. Also lol at your comment on disliking blondes. Been a natural blonde my whole life so I'm used to the assumptions people make. Welcome to the blonde squad, prepare for the unfounded dumb bimbo jokes ✨

[@elsie4802]

Yeah same. I feel ridiculous when looking back at the things i used to do when i was a kid only for boys' attention. The first years of school i only had guy friends, and i was the only girl in my class. Then it sort of became my motto, that "im not like other girls", and i would hate it whenever one of my friends talked to another girl. I would stray away from anything girly, didn't like dresses or bows growing up, and wore mostly boy-like clothing.. now i love skirts and pretty things and feel so stupid for how i acted those years, honestly embarrassing haha. I'm glad ive changed tho and can acknowledge my mistakes.

[@Reliz]

I feel like being an artist just comes with depression for free.. I realised that last year and now I don't see other artists as some super humans that are just perfect in every way anymore.. I now know that everyone, even if they're famous af struggles with stuff and it made me realise that you don't need to be some higher sepcies to be a good artist, being human is the best start. I also feel less alone on my journey now :)

[@mathilda6763]

I guess you need a certain amount of sensitivity to be even interested in becoming an artist and that sensitivity also makes you more vulnerable to outside stressors. More sensitive/introverted people are probably more likely to use "making pretty things" as coping mechanism /hobby too. Also a lot of artists are perfectionists which can also be source of a negative self-image.

[@Reliz]

@@mathilda6763 yeah true! that could very well be the reason

[@77dris]

Reliz, you are right: Artists (creatives) are naturally more prone to depression. This isn't just a theory.

[@cupcakemcsparklebutt9051]

@@mathilda6763 wdym sensitivity?

[@cupcakemcsparklebutt9051]

@@mathilda6763 what do you mean by sensitivity?

[@ChaoticGoodRadio]

I'll always support more people being genuinely honest, "normal" and themselves on youtube. 💟

[@lightlawliet3526]

i envy all the people that can be both depressed and productive. i've been unproductive mess for so long don't know how to reach the other side anymore.

[@SmillyDonut]

Is it possible for you to access talk therapy. A good counsellor/therapist is incredibly beneficial. However, I totally understand that not everyone can access therapy.

[@user-bq7vu1qq6b]

Sara!! Thank you for talking about the topics you talk about, especially coming to terms with internalized misogyny. i think it's honestly something all girls go through at some point in their life simply due to the fact that misogyny is systemic and that's just the environment & society we're brought up in, and so we ourselves must also actively be aware and unlearn these thoughts & behaviors. Thank you for bringing it up in such a real and personal way, it was very relatable and I enjoyed hearing your journey and perspective on it!

[@TaitRochelle]

i'm functional depressed too. To the point that my family doesn't even understand how bad I actually am. I've lost interest in everything including my art. I am also trying to focus on enjoying the process of creating art rather than the outcome. It's definitely tough. It's nice to hear other artists talk about it too

[@oh_hibiscus]

I feel the exact same way, I hope we can feel better

[@rebelmvnchkin]

Tbh this is probably your best video, Sara. In my humble opinion.

[@greyprince]

Hey Sarah, I am an artist too on the side but also fighting depression myself; functional depression is a challenge because amongst all other difficulties, you have to prove all the time that you actually *are* fighting with depression. Wish you the best of luck!

[@gosias4696]

This is SO crazy. I am going through depressive periods myself and struggle a lot. It was the first time I saw your face (I watched your other videos, I just have never watched the ones with face - if you even have ones like this...) and when I saw you I was like “OMG SHE IS SO PRETTY!” . And then you said you were insecure about yourself and I died a little bit inside... I know it will not change a thing for you and you don’t expect anyone to say this - but I do find you really beautiful. At the same time I understand your past thoughts about women, as I share a lot of them with you as well (thoughts, not women - obviously).... I believe we might be actually quite similar in this matter, and that is so funny for me to say to the person with life figured out in such a young age (I am much older) and 400K subscribers ;) stay positive!

[@isaniart]

Totally support you moving towards a more chill, personal direction. Honestly, I prefer videos where I get to learn about someone to educational videos. It’s really nice to hear someone else talk about depression so openly. There’s still so much stigma, and there shouldn’t be. Sending all the love to you ❤️

[@stevenlomon]

My favorite type of KZbin videos are the ones where the creator just does 100% what they feel like doing! (One of my fav PDP videos is the ones where he just decides to talk about his figurine collection) If you're comfortable with it, then do more chill laid-back personal videos with your face in it! :) I'm all for authenticity!!

[@madderthenahatter]

My eyes and ears have been blessed for 25!!! whole minutes!!! and your hair is so cute!!! the portrait is beautiful!! I love video's when youtubers show themselves and talk about life or anything really! and thank you for opening up about your depression i know it can be hard!

[@silviarg9727]

I had contact with a therapist for about 3-4 years now, depression is different for everyone, and it takes different amount of time for everyone to get better. It can be so terrible at times, I send all the love I can your way, you’re doing amazing just by being more honest to yourself about your emotions. Depression and grief are hard things to go through. This is a message to anyone reading this, I don’t rly know you but I love you and I know you’re trying your best, we can’t control our emotions but we can learn how to cope with them 💖

[@worm3179]

i appreciate seeing this side of you, it feels like we’re finally seeing your character :)

[@monicaokami]

Sara's face is so expressive and im obsessed xD also LOVE THE SHORT CURLY HAIR!!! Happy to see her becoming more comfortable showing her personality in her videos.

[@Angels-3xist]

You picked such a multi-tiered approach to processing, self improvement and growth. Remember there are around 400000 people who accept and love you here pretty much whatever way that takes shape. Best thing is anyone can follow along with. I know I did, both with thinking about my own ish and picking up my sketch pad.

[@Orbanya]

Open, honest discussion is the true path to understand. For all of us. I'm also a functionally depressed artist, well most the time... I appreciate you putting yourself out there like this. For what it's worth, thank you and I'm proud of you.

[@SK-Ocelot]

Depression can be overwhelming sometimes, but Gods got you.

[@jnd201]

That delightful final scribble at the end (23:00). Marvelous! Thank you for this.

[@MissPocketFullOfJoy]

This video made you so much human and relatable! I'm not someone who comments a lot, but I'm really happy to see a real person on the other side of the camera.

[@Dicenete]

TL;DR I love this video. I have followed you on youtube for some time now. Sometimes I watch your videos, sometimes the topic is not for me etc. but I am very happy that I decided to watch this one. At first I was kinda "uh, again a youtuber saying that they are going to be more real etc." but then when you started to talk about your previous judgements of other girls and such, I really appreciated it. Because that is something I have done in the past as a way to boost myself up and it's something I feel like I just recently started to let go of. I think you are very brave with this video and I hope to see more of these kind of little chats. Of course, when dealing with mental health, you should always try to rest and not overwork yourself. Lots of positive vibes for you Sarah, and for everyone who reads this comment.

[@mxhemlock]

I’ve been doing a lot of scribble doodles where I scribble around the page and then fill in the shapes I’ve made with different colors. It’s very relaxing to do because you don’t have to worry about anything being perfect or right.

[@six.studios]

Can we just talk about how high quality this video is! It feels so soothing to watch! I really love the idea of you doing more chill videos like these. Also the portrait turning out amazing! your art style is such a huge inspiration! And THANK YOU for talking about mental health in your videos. I've been wanting to talk about things like that and it feels so weird to open up about. Seeing someone I'm inspired by open up about them is really comforting! I hope youre having a good day!

[@LilChuunosuke]

Last time I painted a portrait was nearly a decade ago when I first started high school lmao. I really should get around to making one. When I draw pictures of me, I have a habit of making it look nothing like me, either because I draw none of the things I'm insecure about or I exaggerate all the things I am. I'd like to see how it looks when I am true to myself. Your portrait is beautiful and I love how you openly reassured yourself whenever you thought something toxic. It's something I try to do as well.

[@Jes_Z]

I love your videos that you're just kind of doing your own thing, like we're looking through the window into your life, it makes me feel more connected to who I'm watching and also hearing how you're dealing puts my mental space into perspective and I like sleeping Reflecting and I like other people self Reflecting. Also love the self portrait, love the unfinishedness of it, feels freeing in a way

[@sergioten38]

I honestly love this video because this is how I feel at this moment, I honestly even wanna quit art idk I feel like I am stuck, and thank you for showing that everyone feels likes this.. idk we maybe need to punch something. Thank you and a big hug to you and everyone struggling.

[@katherinegrace1987]

Well, just found your channel. Sometimes I find things or people who address things in my life I don't want to talk about. There's a lot that I've stored up, waiting for a time when I know how to deal with it. Though I may not be ready to fix everything yet, finding people like you who talk about it with a calm, levelheaded attitude really helps to be okay with things. Also, you being an artist like me really feels like finding a friend of sorts. Maybe I'll paint a self-portrait for the first time today.

[@whatamidoing5683]

I’ve gotten much better about not putting other girls down for how they look and I’ve started putting more focus into my appearance recently but I still struggle with the insecurity part of it and I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability tbh it helps me process things

[@VioletEla]

Thank you so much for making this video. I think there can never be too many people who openly and vulnerably share their struggles or just what's on their mind. I personally would love to see more content like this but you just do what feels authentic to you! I love how the self-portrait turned out, it really made me want to paint my own!

[@oceanrosethatsailsacrossth3466]

I love your transparency in your videos and i personally can relate.I always feel if i become more open and honest with people no one would care for what I have to say. A lot of people I have talked too at school just seem uninterested in what I have to say and they make me feel as if i'm boring most of the time.I dress pretty fancy but I do it for myself and no one else

[@dirtygirlof76]

Your new hair I love it! The blonde suits your skin tone real good. It is a very cute super chopped bob with length in front and nice soft messy curls. The frames really suit you better with the lighter color and transparency. You are a ringer for Geena Davis, so beautiful. fyi you don't have to act cute all the time on your videos you can just be yourself even if you are feeling flat. As an older fan I encourage you to be your authentic self, be loving towards yourself, and be secure in yourself.

[@KnoelsNook]

I’m definitely on board for these chill videos! I sometimes find content creators...unapproachable...depending on their video content, and I’ll sheepishly admit, I thought the same when enjoying yours. Thoughts like, “Wow, this chick is all business, she’s so professional, why am I such a weirdo for not being this mature...” ran through my head, but this...this video has erased all those thoughts. I’m so glad you’ve found the strength to openly talk about your depression and I look forward to your content and hope your mental health improves!

[@dudaamorim6472]

You are the best, Sarah... please continue to show us who you are at your own time, there's something really special here, never give up, keep walking 😁

[@kellyalejandra]

Hi Sara, I'm glad you talk about these issues, I really feel identified because for a long time I suffered from low self-esteem, I had toxic friendships, and I also cared about what others thought of me. I feel that lately I have realized that life is one and that it's time to do what I really want. Thank you for uploading and sharing your story. By the way I love your art and would love to keep watching more videos with colored pencils. Greetings from Colombia.

[@rochellavanderwal9320]

I know this isn't my place to do and excuse me if you don't like it (I know it doesn't help anything) But I just want to say that I'm super proud of you for sharing this!! It takes a lot and you have a huge following. To open up to yourself is one thing (and a hard thing) and doing so to about 400k people is something I could never I think! You're gorgeous and you seem like an absolute angel. You seem like a very strong person and I would love to see more personal videos along with the tutorials. As a fellow artist I'm not here mainly for the tutorial, just for what you offer to the artworld

[@kennhzor]

I really enjoyed this video, and took out my watercolors to paint with you. It was like a very chill down to earth hangout with a friend. I appreciate you sharing this vulnerable time with me.

[@sosom5121]

omg your hair is so pretty i really like it, this is so cute ❤️❤️😭

[@rosezif]

You are so talented and honest!!! I really hope you can be more happy by sharing your thoughts and art with us!! Because your art make me smile every time I see it 💕

[@emmaberger3748]

I really appreciate this video. I think I’m dealing with a lot of internalized misogyny myself. I also need to learn to talk without trying to perfectly clarify myself and my intentions every second!!

[@DrQuizzler]

This was fun. I just sat back and watched your process, as you narrated your feelings. It's cool watching someone art direct themselves as the model and photographer, then as the artist capturing themselves. It's hard to imagine you conforming to fit in a box of someone's expectations. Billy Joel famously said in "My Life", "Ah but sooner or later you sleep in your own space. Either way, it's ok. You wake up with yourself." Is the Torpedo Factory still a thing? This reminded me a little of watching artists there. I think your self-portrait turned out really well, and your hand looked definitely like a confidently-drawn hand, and to me it fit just fine into the overall picture. I vote Yes, for more personal videos and for informal draw-with-me's.

[@emmaberger3748]

I know this is a serious video but your hair and your makeup in this >>>>>> !!!!!!!! SO PRETTTYYYY

[@artphotography9158]

Yaaaay! This was an amazing video Sara!! Taking care of yourself by being in charge of what is best for you~your hair color is sooooo pretty next to your skin color~soft and beautiful! Selfishly I looooved watching you drawing!! I’m one of your watercolor/drawing/oil painting fans :)! I love all your art though :) however way you create it actually! Hugs and loooove to you and God bless you! Thank you for sharing Sara!

[@taylorkh818]

I really enjoy these videos. It's something fresh and different from your channel and I like to see creators on KZbin grow into more personal content.

[@laceyw5019]

keep growing! do what is best for you!

[@astrid4915]

Thank you so much for this video and being so real about your struggles

[@victoriamartinez9675]

Thank you for talking about this stuff and about just opening up in your art. I used to find (and often still do) that I would only draw happy scenes. I felt an obligation to put on this appearance of always being a happy person. But as humans, life gets in the way. Honestly, I deal with heavy anxiety. I'm functioning, but I'm most definitely not always happy. This year I am working to allow myself to be real in my art. If I'm not happy, I won't force myself to draw something happy. There are layers to everyone and that's ok. The world isn't perfect, so we shouldn't force ourselves to appear perfect either.

[@belamendonca7852]

I just loveeee this kind of videoss. Keep doing, if you are comfortable of course. Love you and your art, thank you for talking truthfully about you and your feelings

[@Avalon19511]

Regarding holding things in is truly not healthy sooner or later you will just explode, it's good to find a healthy way to let off your feelings with someone or in some way. What your doing now is good for you, plus know your not alone.

[@jgosko]

Sara you are so talented and if you are doing this on you tube start helping more kids share with them you light and drawing it will not only help them but will heal you as well I promise!

[@envibatt]

you’re absolutely gorgeous!!! blonde looks so good on you 🥺🥺 also i can understand pretty much everything you’re talking about in this video. it really highlights how people experience things differently but we also go through a lot of similar thoughts and experiences! depression causes us to think so so badly of ourselves when the main thing you have to realize is things really do not matter... the way people think of your appearance or little quirks doesnt matter! like you said, the only important thing is that you’re a kind, caring person :) thank you for sharing this with us!! i’d like to see more personal videos from u in the future 🥺❤️

[@nefelibatacomingthrough2707]

People will always be talking shit so you should be the best possible version of you so at least them talking doesn't really matter that much. BUT for real, most people have the same exact problems and they think a lot what others think. So, while everyone is thinking too much there isn't that much what you makes them really focus their negativity on you - because you know, they are usually thinking themselves.. Also you are there drawing and pondering deep stuff so you definitely have a lot to give to others. Trust yourself, you have what it takes.

[@crazydragy4233]

I've been putting this video off for a while, I was a little scared? Well maybe intimidated would be a more suited word... But I finally watched it and I'm glad I did. Aside the fact that this was very aesthetically pleasing and calming, I really appreciate you sharing these things. Though I struggle primarily with different things than were brought up, what you said struck chord with me multiple times. This has also been a learning experience. Thank you for making this video and hope all goes well for you (and anyone reading this by any chance ;d).

[@LooonaLou]

yes woman!!! 💗 Do whatever you feel like, I loved this video. 🌸

[@TheGatewayProductions]

Big thanks for this upload! Depression is terrible but we can crush it!

[@MsNoracat]

Appreciate your vulnerability and honesty very much, thank you! 🤍

[@Reliz]

I get what you mean about people's appearances and I'm glad you're challenging your old ways of thinking! There are certainly people who just change their look to appear to others, but even then it's their own mental problem of looking for self worth in others.. There are other people like yourself as well who change their appearence for themself, or to deal with something - I dyed my hair blonde as well a couple of months ago and I never really care about my apearance to others.. I just was mentally down and wanted some change and expressed it through my hair.. maybe I just wanted to see a different person in the mirror..Either way your body is your own art medium that you can design to express yourself - that's how I see it ^^ (sry for the super long comments)

[@lettienugent]

Depression is tough already, but the pandemic & so much other stuff going on, it's tough for us all. Glad you feel comfortable talking about it on KZbin.

[@siriusmydnight9703]

You're Fantastic!!! This video was literally so relatable and refreshing!!! Love it and Love You!

[@hannah-jv5hh]

aaa i love each video you post and the things you say really resonate with me :D please do post more traditional art, i love to see your process- your art and personality is just amazing!! lots of love from new zealand

[@MariJadeWrites]

Thank you for talking about this, it's sometimes so easy to isolate yourself as you said but it's important to remember not to judge yourself or others and take care of yourself :)

[@chabelllita]

The new hair is BEAUTIFUL!!!! 🌷❤ U sara

[@sstradasstuff6660]

You Are a really big help. both artistically and mentally. Thanks for talking about this :) I'm no pro painter yet, but I think I'll be trying to do this as a way to express my inner thoughts and emotions

[@gemmatus]

Thanks for talking candidly about these topics 🌟

[@jennacarson1186]

I literally never comment on videos but I love this casual style so much. Thanks for sharing your authenticity with the rest of us. 🤍

[@jawantownsend4563]

Yea I drew a self portrait while watching I enjoyed it thank you

[@Avalon19511]

First off I'm glad I caught this video so I'm able to actually see what you look like, I have often watched your videos and enjoyed them but I hope going forward we will see more of you, you are stunning:) Just know all the people who follow you support you and just know as long as you have us you'll never be alone:)

[@ashtree_meadow]

I 💜 Sara Thank you for this honest & vulnerable video...

[@naumchomsky8840]

@_@ I've been following you since 2015 and never seen you like this. Glad to see some confidence in front of a camera!

[@neshacruz6574]

Omg I really love your expressions lol they’re very entertaining. I still remember watching your videos from 4-5 years ago and it helped me with my art alot 🤍

[@sarahv8937]

I appreciate this video, it's kind of comforting to see that even the people I look up to have the same kinds of struggles. Also it got me to try colored pencil again :)

[@prateek6502-y4p]

Comforting... Sure but ...dont say that out loud 😂

[@fuzzydragons]

yep being a kind and good person is what we all should be focusing on, but its hard for everyone, not just artists because of so many outside pressures.

[@AlcheonArt]

That wide smile is just so contagious

[@av0cad041]

Thank you so much for sharing, it was unbelievably inspiring

[@mjpete27]

I think so many artists fall into the trap of creating "pretty" Art! especially KZbin artists! I hope you continue in this vein and I would like to see a real image of yourself and you do NOT need to be "happy" or Pretty, but you are so that ship has sailed! Please create art you love that is what will sustain you in the years to come! Embrace your new blonde hair and take it out for a ride! Be safe and take care! See you in your next video!

[@DanielDunn1222Music]

Thank you so much for your very helpful videos! I'm currently designing my new logo for my massage business and I'm doing so solo and it is not,,, easy especially when people attack you for arbitrary reasons and make life harder for no reason. There's no question I'll get better at Krita and finish an amazing logo with your help! And, thank you so much for reaching out to help people with depression 🙏 I highly suggest periodically making encouraging comments about ticking through during hard times and when life is challenging, that is really helpful because with personal and social issues it's difficult to know what's happening if we don't know the full problem. So encouragement really helps. You are such an amazing artist! Again thank you so much for your mastery level skill with Krita amidst very helpful other people that don't know how to communicate! :D God bless and best wishes 🙏

[@aliz4467]

I appreciate the humor in this video. Sometimes the best way to keep ourselves in perspective, is to laugh aat our own silliness. Let alone, your art is gorgeous.

[@ruthspeer8475]

I'm only 13 minutes in and already I love this format and the way you put this together so much xx

[@rowenfara]

i love these types of videos! felt like i was drawing with a friend and chatting here and there. not to mention this self portrait turned out amazing.

[@elizabethdesousa7941]

Just finished the video and I love it🤍 I would love to see more of these videos, love ur new hair and nails btw✨

[@thaemystart5032]

Love the choice of colors! 🌸

[@artlov6599]

Yes you are doing shadow work. Great work!❤️

[@MacBarringer]

I love this video! I struggle with a lot of the same things. It helps me to think about if it’s confidence or vanity, because there’s nothing wrong with being confident in yourself it’s only an issue when you compare yourself to others.

[@katakissdesign2026]

Aww this is such a nice video! ❤️

[@katakissdesign2026]

I don't think I've ever seen an in person video from you but I'm enjoying this a lot! ❤️ Also you look cute blonde! ❤️ I'm sorry that you are going through some rough things, and I'm glad that you are try to figure it out through your art it's so inspiring! Xxx ❤️

[@AngelinaLoreeWhitt]

Can I just say that your art is amazing, you are absolutely beautiful, and your personality is 🔥🔥

[@Samkiitt]

My favorite video of yours!

[@Reliz]

I really appreciate your transparency!

[@vicca4671]

Girl, I follow your work since you were some 15 to 17 -ish (thanks for introducing me to Krita~), and lemme say: I'm happy to see you growing into not only an even better artist, but into a really fine person. Lots of love for you and your work ❤️

[@emmaberger3748]

I love the style of this video!!! Pls do more like this :)

[@ninakolcun681]

i love this kind of videos on your channel! Keep it up please!

[@leax1337]

Thank you! Heavy depression since many years.

[@laceytracy]

I appreciate your honesty in this video. :) And hope it's cool to say - the blonde hair is super cute on you!

[@Angela-ie6ql]

Such a positive video !! love you're a back

[@nathanaelclaasen9259]

Love the end result of the self portrait, looks great! Also, appreciated your honesty about depression, keep it coming and keep working through it as best you can. 🙂

[@jenhasburnt]

I’m really proud of you for this video and I’m down for what ever makes you feel like you can create and if that is these kinds of videos. I love it

[@vik1358]

I loved this so much! This was very therapeutic to watch. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with us. Lots of love💞

[@kasaiart1281]

Sara is so awesome!

[@moodyandtheartist]

This was a great video, Sara. I hope you will explore this type of content more going forward. Was really enjoyable watching you being loose and experimental with your traditional art and I'd watch this content any day of the week! 🧡

[@pinkcapri]

oh my god you're so chaotic i love it

[@Lopaloos]

Blonde Saruca, you have ascended, haven't you

[@mathilda6763]

Super Saiyan Saruca.🌝

[@internetisaiah]

I must have started watching your videos... 2.5 years ago? This might be one of your best videos.