PARENTIFIED CHILD SERIES: WHAT IS PARENTIFICATION?

[@Necrophon]

My dad had a first grade reading level, so when my mom became terminally ill when I was 12 and a half years old, childhood ended. I learned to cook for the family, balance the checkbook and arrange transportation for my mom to get to and home from doctor's appointments as well as hospital visitations. I had no siblings and little help from relatives as they were sick of my father's verbal abuse. After mom died I was left to care for my verbally and physically abusive father alone until I ran away from home at the age of 16, after being attacked by my Father while I slept. To this day (I'm 46 years old now) I'm a light sleeper and will awaken screaming if you actually get close enough to me to touch me in my sleep. I wouldn't wish Parentification or CPTSD upon my worst enemy. I'm sorry if I'm oversharing but I want to thank you for recognizing how difficult this whole circumstance can be for a kid, as well as when they grow up.

[@HuntressLocs]

I wish you healing. As a random comment from someone on the Internet I know this doesn't mean much. But I really hope you get help and closure

[@sentryvoid8481]

Sharing is necessary sometimes I’m sorry you went through that

[@freetobememe4358]

I just now saw this. I am blown away. I so understand myself better. I raised my brother 6yrs younger . I am 70. He is 64.

[@ladennayoung2939]

I pray that you choose to allow the Lord to heal you from the crown of your head to the sole of your feet IN JESUS' NAME. THE NAME ABOVE ALL NAMES. AMEN. ❤❤❤

[@ladennayoung2939]

God is truly real, alive, and well, and HE was truly with you during your darkest hour in life. And GOD is truly with you even still. GOD has NEVER LEFT YOUR OR FORSAKEN YOU AND HE NEVER WILL. GOD TRULY DOES LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU AND SO DO I. AMEN. ❤❤❤

[@honeythunder]

By age three I knew I couldn’t go to my parents when scared or sad because I knew I would “get in trouble”. Got real good at going to my room and dealing with whatever by myself.

[@SinaLaJuanaLewis]

the sitting around the table as a child being a couples therapist ...that hit hard 😭

[@juliusrendon5936]

Same 😢

[@dawonfields7360]

@@juliusrendon5936just imagine that u have to cook for everyone by choice and u can’t have time for ur self 😢and force to communicate

[@juliusrendon5936]

@@dawonfields7360 thats ok thats called responsibility because youre living in their house. Respect elders is always a good value to have

[@zubetp]

@@juliusrendon5936this was an about face lol. why were you sympathetic and suddenly not

[@chelseag3365]

I had not heard of parentification. When you said "oh you're an old soul" it really perked my ears up. My mom had and has always praised my "maturity" even when I should have been way too young to understand what a mature adult should be or do. Thanks for your videos. Edit: also she always put a positive spin on me doing all the adult/parenting things for her.

[@flowerbloom5782]

I have been very angry randomly for my parents and I guess this where it came from.

[@dieresis9]

At 12, my parents asked me to watch my sister after school till they came home from work, so about 1.5 hours a day. That still seems reasonable given we went to the same school and that our family was not wealthy. There was a coming of age ceremony of sorts when they asked me, gifting me with a house key on a chain. The problem for me came in as my father’s alcoholism became worse and my mother’s health failed. She died of cancer when I was 18. I felt increasingly as if I had to protect my sister, but of course, could not, so carried much guilt for failing at a responsibility that was not really mine. The information you are sharing is very helpful in making sense of all this.

[@allwellandgood8547]

Sorry to hear of the pain you experienced John, I hope you have managed to let the guilt that was not yours to hold, go. I completely agree these videos are helping so much in making sense of it all and in seeing how it affects adulthood, where I have never seemed to be able to find that before.

[@karmennash7479]

I get this. Fear still for my sisters safety and well bring.

[@hellucination9905]

This is currently saving my life. I was actually feeling panic because of the guilt; it sometimes escalates. I WON'T live for others! I will live for MYSELF now!

[@haleyhernandez7201]

“Wanting to be taken care of, but that not feeling safe” yessss

[@RabbitTeacup]

I was parentified by my own childhood disability. It's a possible facet of enmeshment trauma I often see goes unmentioned. But I couldn't control my bladder always, the signals would come too suddenly for me to get to a bathroom, so I'd end up wetting myself as a kid. I had tons of tests done, saw tons of specialists...physically there was nothing wrong with me. Doctors sometimes suggested it was behavioral. So naturally my Mom would say like, "your potty training went so well, why do you do this?" or "soon you'll grow out of pull-up diaper sizes" or "if you get another bladder infection your kidneys could fail". Slowly the pressure began to build. I never wanted to ask for help if I wet myself because I was so ashamed of it. I'd try to hide it. I cannot describe the feeling of being 10, 12 years old and waking up at 2am and trying to change your bedsheets quietly and not wake anyone because you're ashamed you wet the bed. I grew out of it by about 16, but the anxiety from it is still buried. Children expected to manage our own illnesses or disabilities to the point we feel it's *our* responsibility and we are burdening our parents if we ask for help...it leaves a shadow on our psyche.

[@annwvyn9803]

Parentification and anxious attachment are such a part of me that I ended up medic... It's like even my greatest achivement is a consequence ! And unsurprisingly I also have an avoidant partner... I feel like a terrible caricature. Eye opening. Who am I then ? I m an ledest child. My dad was distant and absent (traveling for work) even to my mother. She made me her confident and a second mom. As second mom I took a big role in the house, a big part of the chores and in raising my siblings. As a confident I was holding her together. Worst periods were when my dad was home : they were trying to put me back into a child position and taking from me those little adult privileges I had when he wasn't around, like late night movies or authority on my siblings. They were also obsessed with safety. I wasn't allowed going out with friends and that burdened my friendships, people were getting close by spending time together outside school too and couldn't match anymore. It all makes sense today, that fear of being abandonned, that ability to make myself into whatever is expected, always trying to be perfect... And my behavior in relationship is so messed up when I look at it from the outside : I'd be a furniture if asked to. I listen and scan for anything, I support, I encourage, I make myself available day and night, I tolerate the unbearable, I breath to please, I satisfy myself with breadcrumbs of affection. This is so wrong. The person I love is avoidant (took me a while to understand our up and down cycles) and I learned to respect his needs by being compassionate. Now I realise my personality is far more damaged in comparison even though I look more adjusted and fair than him.

[@RabbitTeacup]

I ended up a nurse myself so...solidarity hi5, I suppose. But on the bright side I look at the fact at least I can make sure my patients don't feel guilt for things they can't control. So many apologize for having to "bother" me with the call bell and I remind them it is NEVER their job to worry about our workload. I worry about that. Their job is to tell me what they need and we'll figure it out together. So like that, I like to hope we healthcare workers can put a little dent in the cycle...

[@777Pattie]

​@@RabbitTeacup thank you so much for your service in caring for the sick 💕🕊️♾️

[@laurenreynolds6157]

Wow so on point, I was a child mediator & therapist for my mom until I went no contact a few years ago, very painful time but so worth it

[@marlasinger8622]

My parents had me when they were 19, then had my brother 2 years later. No one asked me to do it, but I just remember being the one to wake my brother for school, making sure he had lunch and snack, that he brushed his teeth and would prepare his snack after school even is it's just cereal. I would always remind my mom if birthdays coming up, meetings and competitions we had at school. Then they left to work abroad, we were left with my aging grandmother who was the sweetest ever. But I still was the one raising my brother, I helped him with his home work, made sure he got to where he had to be, bought him goodies whenever I get back from school. My mom would also trauma dump on me, as early as 10 years old. I would see my father flirting with waitresses, and he would take me to cock fights and tell me dont tell mom or WE will be in trouble. He would also trauma dump on me. Now, I am working and earn a decent wage, but I find it hard to say no to my mother whenever she asks me for money, I feel so guilty that even if I had nothing left in my wallet I try to find a way to give her the money because the guilt is killing me. How can I heal? I cant afford therapy

[@Thysta]

"Learned early that the way to get your needs met is rotating around others." I think this is true to me but what does it actually mean? My ADULT ROLE started when I was 3. My NPD father came to my mom's home to kidnap me, he was fighting with my stepfather, I started to comfort my mother (age 3), then went to the two idiots and started KICKING them saying "STOP IT!!". I was THREE.

[@pdatnc]

Thanks for posting this. There's so little out there on parentification.

[@gamermoment656]

That old soul line hit me right in the heart, I've been told that since I was 5 or 6 and raised my two younger brothers since then. The youngest of the two just turned 20 and I thought I'd be free to live my life after I was sure they were able to get away from my mother though she had another son 4 years ago so I'm still here at 25 going on 26 this year raising my brother and taking care of him as my mother will sleep all day and not even feed him. I never realized just what it was that made me feel so empty and dead inside until my girlfriend of 10 years broke up with me due to not being able to be with her enough and just poured out all her feelings and opinions in the text she dumped me with. Worst part is I have no one to turn to I can't put this onto my brothers and I have no friends due no never having the time to make any. I had to drop out of highschool in 8th grade to help raise my newest brother and so I feel like I have no future. I'm sorry for dumping like this I just need to tell someone since this is crushing me and only getting worse.

[@zubetp]

do you have any extended family at all? would you be able to reach out to neighbors? for the record, cps or whatever equivalent in your area should be notified if your mother can't or won't care for her minor children, even if she has an adult child available.

[@gamermoment656]

@@zubetp I've since thankfully managed to move out and I have taken custody of my younger brother from her. Sad part is she didn't even seem to care but all that matters now is giving him the life I never had. Thank you for your concern though it means alot.

[@julieh1160]

Wowwwwww!! Me to a T!! I’m almost 55 and STILL over involved in my mother’s state of mind 🤦🏻‍♀️ I really need your course!! Thank you so so much for your videos and your work. It’s like a sigh of relief hearing you. Wishing you many blessings Dr Kim. Thank you!!! 😘

[@GhazalMahmoudi]

On surface, I was an only child who had everything including supportive parents... But deep inside I was so enmeshed with my parents specially my mom that even when I was facing some difficulties in my personal life, my attention would go out of my body to care for my mom since she was "sad" for me.... So I had to ignore my feelings and regulate hers instead... Even in an instance of a hard breakup that I had, I had to care for her cause she was depressed and sad for me...

[@GhazalMahmoudi]

I also resonated so much with being the mediator... I was always the emotional translator in their arguments... I always felt like a judge... It always was a triangle, me on the top to resolve their misunderstandings... Ignoring my own feelings and the fact that I was not comfortable at all in that position... I was just the dopamine reward after the conflict was resolved "by my mediation"

[@OliviaMartin-i8o]

This really resonated with me. Just coming to terms with what I went through with my parents was in fact, trauma. Brilliant video, thank you.

[@Michelle0920]

Thank you for the validation. Your videos and messages are always spot on.

[@allwellandgood8547]

Wow I feel like you are describing my whole life! This is so validating and helpful, thank you 🙏 I took on the mum role for my younger sisters but also in ways the wife role when our mum left. I would do so much at home and as I got older almost resent that my sisters got to have fun and be kids without me but felt bound by a duty to support my dad who was often depressed. I was rewarded with praise for being his 'number 1 girl' whilst feeling guilt that somehow the situation was my fault as I was used to report back to my dad on my mums affair before she left. Interestingly, years later since my dads passing and back in touch with my mum, when we do get together the roles revert to me being the 'parent' and I feel like my mum is a teenager alongside my own children, her even refering to me as 'mum' as if one of my own kids and her assuming I'll take the lead in everything. It can be really triggering to me as someone who has craved since being that confused 8 year old girl, someone to guide and support me. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom Dr Sage, your videos bring me so much guidance. I will definitely be taking your courses over summer 🙏 💙

[@GoddestPitcher]

(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). Every Inner Action with Ur Child is an Opportunity to Either Bolster Their Sphere-it r Diminish it and in doing so either support ur own expanding consciousness r hold it back

[@missyd394]

Thank you I feel so comforted watching this

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

You are seriously so pretty! Great video Dr. Sage

[@AndieDenise]

Omg, just got to the part of the video talking about the child being pulled into arguments as a mediator and that was my sister's role. I was the one who cooked and took care of the house. I recently went no contact for a second time but my sister still lives with them. She is getting married today and her wife seems amazing but she plans to move into our parent's basement too so they can save money to buy a house together. I know they can do it, but I definitely worry my new sister-in-law is going to butt heads with my folks and my sister is gonna be in the middle. I just want her to choose her new wife over our parent's if/when the time comes.

[@ashleyaceves9782]

Wow. You just described my entire childhood. Spot on. Thank you For understanding and caring to help people work through this and not allow it to block us from fully living our best selves. I will be following and I’m interested in the course.

[@gloriosalara]

As oldest of my siblings I've always seen my mom and dad fight day or night..

[@melissashows7813]

This is me. Thank you so much for making this video. 🙏

[@tiablasangoriti8347]

I love your research Dr Kim!

[@minchupgowda]

When I was 8 years old I had to come home from school and be home alone till night until my parents came I would be waiting so hard for my parents to come home but once they came, every single day they would fight, they wouldn't even hide it from me and my mom would always tell be her side of the story and ask my opinion on it, when they were fighting I had to step into it to stop them, over the time i lost my interest in talking to them cause as I grew older I started feeling so burdened by all the emotions I was feeling.. Their emotional with mine was making wanna feel like dying... Now I'm so against spending time with them and i have also devoped a avoidant attachment style now I just like to stay alone and always relay on my self and i have issues trusting people that they can take care of stuff that they don't care abt

[@RaymondHogue1111]

thank you again

[@rosyloveslearning3013]

You soooooooo understand. Thank you. ❤️

[@jackietea8772]

Can you be parentified and Infantalized at the same time? I have been trying to figure out my Mom for years... and I cant really pin point her issues. for a while I thought she was a covert narcissist... then I thought maybe i was just enmeshed. but I dont know. But I do know I relate to both Parentification and Infantalization. My mom Parentifies me emotionally, and with her emotional needs. but she infantilizes me in my physical needs.... and I think its her strategy for keeping me close. She wants to be like my friend, so she thinks sharing all of her emotions and life issues is making her closer to me (but she doesnt listen to me and my stories ever), and then taking care of EVERYTHING for me and telling me what to do all the time keeps me close physically. its really exhausting.... and I dont know what to do.

[@VengefulPolititron]

Yes. I am the emotionally enmeshed... emotional incest.. emotional support son-husband. And when she's feeling ok... then in her eyes, I become just a stupid child, who needs to be controlled and motivated and stuff. I am either a child, or a messed up husband. I am not allowed to be a person, myself. Make decisions. Speak my mind. I am gaslit and guilt tripped every single time. God Himself told me I was too close to my mother. I knew it! I've been fighting her for years.

[@VengefulPolititron]

but yes. It is absolutely possible to be both Parentified and Infantilized.

[@dmt7674]

Establish YOUR boundaries

[@ryannesumbry4130]

I was definitely a parentified child. I’ve had a full-time job since I was a a freshman in high school 🏫 I’ve never felt like I had a childhood after being in school I had to wrk and my mother would take half of my earning to spend on whatever she pleased

[@notqunt1671]

There's a thing called noise gate, use it

[@MsMirror]

Can this lead to npd and bpd? I probably had parents with npd and BPD and now I rely on my relationships to get self esteem and emotional regulation.

[@dmt7674]

Depends on what you experience day to day and in social interactions

[@TravisGoodman]

Great series!

[@ivadedeva7005]

The info is good, but the music is too good for the topic!

[@PrincessCadancee]

Omg I can't stand the old soul compliment

[@Fourwindsofsuccess]

Me to.

[@angelae.campos179]

My main attachment style is anxious but I don’t identify with care taking behaviors instead care seeking, does this stem from childhood or could it be a dependent personality trait?

[@dalton-at-work]

personality traits most often are formed in childhood, so both probably.

[@chucklebug360]

Yeah, I checked every box when you were listing traits 😂

[@Natural_Lii]

Remember God loves you♥😊! Good news is that Jesus paid the punishment for your sins, He died, and rose from the dead on the 3rd day. you are ONLY forgiven and saved by putting faith in Jesus Christ for salvation. Please repent, change your life around and live for Him🙏. He is coming back soon🥳🎊....

[@Greeneyed_goddess]

I’m so glad I found you thank you for your videos ❤