Parenting Plan vs Covert Narc

Building a parenting plan when you are dealing with a covert narcissist is a very complex process. You need to think about all the different scenarios and really determine what is important to you. This video will talk about the key components you need to think about when working on your parenting plan.
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[@IwantmyAWD]

Everything with these toxic people is open to interpretation. Even a one word response. They’re literally dedicated to misunderstanding you. Mine has found loopholes in the order where there are no loopholes.

[@TyrRavensohn]

All battles are won before they're fought. Sun Tzu. Don't fight her until you know you can win. And if you can win, you owe it to yourself and your kids to go balls out to crush her.

[@DSD]

Absolutely +Tyr Ravensohn! Any chance we get to balance the playing field we need to do!

[@carlhoneck3589]

Love this comment, and it’s true to highest degree!

[@officerfarva3666]

I added specified times in the custody order… He still refuses to follow it and let me see my kids. In fact, he withholds them for extra weekends and days too when I’m supposed to have them, total disregard for the kids or custody order. In my case, if I took him back to court and he got away with that, like he has everything else so far, then I’d never see my kids ever again. Period. So I don’t take him back to court. It’s not worth the risk.

[@DSD]

Unfortunately I can completely understand. We all have to pick our battles and sometimes not fighting is the winning strategy…. Hang in there!

[@angelafalsetta4309]

All the narc games designed to throw us off task and healthy focus and decision making....What a education this is!! Hearing your plan here, Duane...Well formulated and grounded...You will stay with it and have peace of mind. You sound strong and well prepared!! Always have your back too!!

[@DSD]

Thanks Angela I appreciate that! Yeah things are going well - as I said I should have changed things in the plan but at the time it seemed thorough and I didn't understand what i was dealing with. There isn't anything in there that is catastrophic so I'm just going to stick with what I have. It's not worth the cost and frustration to go back to court and change things. -Duane

[@angelafalsetta4309]

Duane..Hope you see this!! I wish you peace....may you enjoy the next "Six and 1/2 years" of your life until you are well rid of the financial and emotional burden you endure...It's gonna happen!! And may her having the house be in lieu of alimony...None to continue once kids are emancipated! I have begun therapy...I reached out to 311 who gave me a phone therapist(about an hour with her) who found me three Mental Health TX. places to go to in my area and have chosen one to try with appt. in place. Why do I feel guilty as if I were doing something wrong for trying to help myself??? The narcs did some number on me!! As if I have no right to do this for ME!! It is weird!! And I'm no contact 4 weeks now!!.. Thanks to the gentle push you gave me encouraging one on one tx. I have taken the steps!! Everything here with you, Duane that I have achieved and the education is priceless!! Need this knowledge before ever starting tx. in order to get my/anyone's valid point across!! And know if you have the "right' therapist or not...They have to know NPD and Narc Abuse! Also will go to the local Police Station Pct and report suspecting false accusations made against me that could result in further severe damage to my life, smear campaign already going on...and fear even stalking will occur...I feel threatened by that possibility just by their overt sinister behaviors last seen and heard by them. I want that on record!! Further, will seek legal council with a lawyer. I want a copy of that revised Trust/Will! done behind my back! Soooo, what do you think!!!??? Bless you, Duane!!! WOW!

[@dramadivally1]

It's really helps to have everything court ordered on the flip side my narc still finds the dumbest things to try to trigger me - "his shoes dont fit, u arent trimming his nails" taking pics of dirty quetips and sending them to me when my child is 11 and should be grooming selfish. No way im going to clean his ears when he's more than capable. They will still find the dumbest reasons to try to trigger

[@DSD]

Very true Ally and the key on that is they will find ANYTHING to try to criticize in an attempt to get a reaction out of you...

[@robertharvey3718]

Hi Duane, I just turned 50 on the 18th. Nex organized to collect our son on the 18th. But I had already had 2 evenings to celebrate with all three of the children just previously. I just let go of all this junk that they impose. I choose not to spend my life checking on what was written in the court order. The court order imposed alternate weeks, as I already said, Nex lived in china, I live in europe. The judge asked how it was going, when I described this he just smiled, and I could see he understood. My son now lives with me, and has the next three years in school living with me. The universe sort of does what it wants anyway. I wouldn't try to win, or even bother 'fighting', they just love it, ...no point. Just focus on the kids needs, let them grow up in a conflict free environment....sounds easy, but it takes focus and attention. Greetings.

[@DSD]

Well first, Happy belated Birthday Robert! Yeah it's really amazing how they will do stupid things like that *thinking* that they are negatively impacting you. The problem is they are stuck in that mentality and I'm sure for a while you did respond to her prompts but now that you've moved on she's still stuck. You are very right that this takes a lot of focus and attention (coupled with some mistakes) to accomplish and it isn't as easy as it sounds! -Duane

[@robertharvey3718]

Absolutely. Permission to Exist (YT) recently did a video comparing the N to living in a room where every appliance and light switch etc disfunctions, very enlightening, even after years of living and studying the perversity of the Nmindset. It is a key to understanding that they permanently try to provoke emotional response in others, feeding off this. It is a process, recovery and understanding, not a sudden event. Where normal people can change and correct themselves, the N cannot. But we can stay in the belief that they can, wasted optimism. Sure I used to respond and be provoked....but it is SUCH relief to no longer feel emotional triggers. Now I can observe the attempts and techniques, and just see them, preserving my emotions for things and people that deserve them.

[@micktaylor2935]

Hey Robert I just turned 50 on the 14th also. The exact same thing happened to me. The exn picked up the kids on the 14th but I had two days with the kids. I did not fight it because it was not worth a battle. The days were in the middle of the week so we could not celebrate much for my birthday. I just had my birthday dinner with the kids the following weekend and the kids and I had a great time. The exn would have loved for me to ask for the extra day but it would have been used against me in the future when I really wanted something that I am willing to fight over. Pick your battles.

[@robertharvey3718]

I feel like I win by not fighting. Free from conflict.

[@cortesione]

I left in 04. Divorced finally in 2010. Same shit in 18. Pure hell. Disregards everything and this has taken a heavy toll on my teen.

[@nonarcsense]

I have a contempt action in play now. My s/o will come to the exchange place weekly but will not leave the exchange area after the child gets out of her car and comes to mine. She records the entire event every time. My child will come to my car , refuse to get in, and walk back over to my ex's car. Sometimes 15 or 20 min aftrer showing up at my car. My ex says the court order doesnt say leave the area. The order says that I pick up after school from the school. My ex would normally not be there if it weren't for COVID-19 and home-school. Her bringing my child to the exchange place (school) , then sitting there recording the events tells me that she is staging and /or condoning my child not getting into my car at exchanges. My ex, after letting my child re-enter her car will then leave the exchange area and that's it. No exchange made. Every week for two months this has been happening and I have 2 more months to go until the hearing. This is alienation , interference with parenting time/ custody etc. but will the judge do anything?

[@chardelf1374]

This is where i have a distinct advantage.. When and or if... My narc leaves he will never see the kids again.. They are not his!! The biological fathers have never been an issue so... Yay me! However... Since he is still here... Ugh...

[@corrieannfletcher5780]

Chardel Flemimg, why are you still together?

[@chardelf1374]

Corrieann Fletcher im too physicaly and financially not able to leave and my kids are all still in schools they really like. There are some mental health issues with my youngest son.. Moving would be a complete nightmare for myself and my 5 kids... He has places to go as a single man. I do not...

[@corrieannfletcher5780]

Chardel Flemimg, I understand how hard it was for me and only 2 children to get out, it took years but I did get out it took a lot of planning. Would it be possible with a lot of planning to get out or get him out. Breaks my heart to think there are no options for you and your 5 children xx

[@chardelf1374]

Corrieann Fletcher if i had financial independence then yes with enough planning and time i could.. But that would mean leaving this part of the province and im quite sure in the months leading up to leaving would be absolute hell for all of us. He needs to leave.. But he expects ME to make that happen.. He has never done anything alone.. Ever...

[@corrieannfletcher5780]

Chardel Flemimg , if you're ending it he must not know! It's too dangerous. Are there any safe house facilities for domestic abuse victims close to you. He won't do jack to leave, why would he?!? My ex husband was the same....useless can't do anything for himself uses people to get them to do things for him, pathetic. The longer he is around your children the more control he has over their future health xxx

[@angelgrace5174]

Great video! I’ve had several challenges with my ex not reimbursing me for out-of-pocket expenses (childcare and health care) he continues to disregard or exploit the grey areas in our parenting plan -The latest is the most distressing we have joint decision-making regarding education and right now he is disputing the before and after school care program our daughter has been accepted to(it’s onsite at her elementary school- she’s been on a waiting list for he refuses to reimburse the deposit fee and is now saying he does not agree with this before and after school care program“at this time” - I’m not sure what to do our daughter has adjustment disorder and anxiety And the program is a great one-he is known about it for some time and even knew that we were on the waiting list / I’m not sure how to move forward

[@pamelapap]

Angel Grace get a therapist for your daughter. Get a teacher from the program to be a witness in court stating the benefits your daughter will get. Get therapist as witness as well. Use these things to modify custody so you can be only one in decision making. When you email him info do it in a very professional way with no emotions stating that the after n before care will be very beneficial for her n if needed he can call teacher Mrs blah blah to hear about program or if it’s okay with him you will get teacher to call him. Most likely he will not do it but you print those emails showing you tried to healthy coparent with him n he does not care about the best interest of the child.

[@fleece9289]

Even if you’re not divorced they will actively undermine your efforts as a parent...clearly didn’t really care about the impact on the kids....

[@jennifergemsma8958]

School vacation or just the other parents plans their own personal vacation? Like school break a court can order where kids are because of co-parenting? Of course call cops if anything goes wrong. If can't check up on children's safety.

[@Paradise19636]

can you do a video on a individual living with a narcissists who are needy don't have nothing on a day to day basis are they miserable, loneliness mentally and physically drained

[@DSD]

hi Emma, sure but I need a bit of clarification. Are you asking for a video to help a person *living with a narcissists* and they *the target* are miserable, lonely drained both mentally and physically? I'm not sure if you're asking about if the narcissist feels that way or the target feels that way. Just let me know. -Duane