Partners of Trauma Survivors: Easy Ways to Support Your Partner

[@Alexfrsu]

No one will probably see this but thank you for this video..

[@gingerkingds7804]

I see you

[@koroshiya_1]

TW: I have been sexually assaulted and raped before. As a child, teenager and then again at 28... I'm now 31 and these instances have impacted me beyond belief. I am too scared to be intimate. I'm terrified I will end up with someone who later overpower me 😥. I'm so traumatised by all of this, but mostly by the most recent experience. Please pray for me while I work thru this...

[@saim3765]

everything will be fine buddy. 😊 stay strong 💪 ur doing great

[@morganyabeny6248]

My sister is going through this and I'm trying my best to help her. I'll never understand because she's a women but I'm doing the best to help her. There's alot good in the world. You'll find help soon and you're not alone

[@LOwens-xf8yo]

What a sad story. I think it’s a terribly common story. I have known few women in my life who haven’t been assaulted sexually at some point in their lives. It’s this shocking little unspoken secret that no one wants to admit. The public acts outraged when a priest or pastor is caught in sa and blames the institution, but I think it is simply a common aspect of human cruelty to take advantage physically, sexually, or financially, of those we hold power over. Which is why it is so important that all groups of people are empowered towards freedom and equality. If power is less concentrated, then maybe more voices like yours will be heard and there will fewer abuses. I suppose my words aren’t much help to you. Except to reassure you that you are not alone. That most of us are broken, and are struggling towards healing.

[@newflower8974]

🙏🏽

[@pjmendoza8871]

🙏🏽

[@blairdurward4324]

Thank you for also acknowledging how difficult it is to support and be patient, most people just dismiss those issues

[@jamesoconnor1675]

This is so helpful, my boyfriend was sexually assaulted as a kid and its so hard for him to talk about. This helps me a lot to understand him, and understand how I should treat him and how to react in certain situations. That you so much for talking about this even though I’m sure it’s hard for you.

[@finn1242]

I dont mean to be intrusive and you dont have to answer if you don’t want to, but i also have a loved one (male) who was sexually assaulted as a child. He often struggles to share his emotions and withdraws and isolates a lot. I was wondering how you guys managed your communication? How do you help him get through those struggles, excluding some of the obvious being patient etc.

[@masterjaninosaurustheone2323]

Hi I just learnt yesterday my gf of 10 months now has been sexually assaulted by her uncle when she was 5-6. This short 4 minutes video help me soo much, need more research and better understanding on the healing process but 👍🏻

[@newflower8974]

🙏🏽

[@ladystrange4769]

You are my hero! Nobody has explained this to normal people like you have cuz let’s face it- most people don’t care. I do and thank you cuz everyone should watch this video🤗💙❤️💜

[@chloethemessenger]

I agree. It’s so hard to explain this. I think people think we are controlling or impatient because we ask for clarity, compassion and honesty. Trust takes time and it’s built over time with consistency.

[@rayg3116]

This has been a Rosetta Stone for the dynamic with my partner. Thank you. Also, the non-flowery administration of said advice was much appreciated.

[@duskwillneverend5881]

This isn't for just neurotypicals either. I have my own childhood trauma, and it's completely different from my partner's childhood trauma. This helps a lot because I am unaware of things I should look out for with that specific trauma. So thank you

[@Novjuly]

Thank you so much for making these videos.

[@Novjuly]

I'm in a new relationship with someone who has ptsd. Im trying to learn about how to better react to things like when she gets triggered. I dont want to ever make her feel like she is too much or difficult. Like you said in the last video, she deserves someone who will take the time to listen to what she needs. Im also trying to work on myself more and my own anxiety disorder. Because my anxiety would get/still gets really triggered by things you talked about earlier, like feeling rejected. Basically I would take things personally but it's not really about me.

[@almasantos7480]

My husband's going to start therapy today. I will be going separately to a therapist as well to find ways to help him. I've felt rejected in every aspect of the word. He hardly talks, he's shutdown and doesn't tell me he loves me anymore. I'm trying not to take it personally. I cant imagine what he's going thru. I will continue to support him and be there for him for whatever he needs.

[@talithasuya8908]

@@almasantos7480 These are very personal questions, so feel free to ignore. Did his trauma happen after you were married? Or have his struggles simply intensified now after a long ago event? I'm just curious because I wonder about the process of being in a relationship and pretty much fine for a while or years, and then things start resurfacing. Most importantly, how are you doing now?

[@mylesleggette7520]

What about support for partners of trauma survivors? I have been with my wife for almost twenty years now, and she still can't trust or be comfortable with me, both sexually and otherwise. I don't want to leave her, but at what point does it stop being okay for her to hold her trauma over my head? Do I not deserve to be in a relationship where my partner is not afraid of me because of things I did not do?

[@kith.7516]

THANK YOU for this video and explaining this. I actually have 20 years of experience in this type of abuse. I just found an amazing man who is so understanding, but does not understand that is it not him I am rejecting when, as you used as an example, I freak out on his random hug or kiss. This video I hope wll help him understand where I am coming from more. I need him to understand, but I love him and he is a positive aspect to my life. But I do not want to hurt him from his igoance on this topic because I can not control my triggers right now.

[@themaniachd8650]

Thank you for this.. My girlfriend and I have been dating for more than 2 months now, the first month and a bit was great, it felt like everything was going so perfect until I wanted to start talking about more serious topics which she doesn't like talking about in case we end up arguing(which we have) and she thinks that I'll just leave her. She was in a 4 year relationship with her ex and he used to physically, emotionally and verbally abuse her, she obviously didn't go in to much detail about it, like she won't even tell me when she ended things. I've being trying to understand her because she's gotten more distant after our first argument which doesn't help me because I have trust issues. She told me about her ex when we just started talking but I didn't stop to think how it affected her, so this whole time I've been treating her as if she was normal.😟

[@meditationnew2554]

Hi Jo thank you soo much for being such a beautiful ray of light for all of us.

[@chloethemessenger]

I needed this video more than you know. God bless you 😊

[@Raddiebaddie]

Thank you for sharing jo ❤

[@lisamoag6548]

Thank you much needed guidence not new husband fault but does affect relationship gentle and compassion can be confusing and think It is him. No , I say not you. Just feel confused at times. Yes patient and good listener. Trust in time and be secure do not take personal on same side!

[@OMFGORE]

Thanks for this.

[@stephenfiore9960]

…Excellent advice

[@Malickbey]

My ex have been SA and almost 🍇 by his coworker in workplace, and she stopped talking to me. it has been one and half month now, first she blocked me without telling me anything than she come back after two weeks and told me she love me, and she missed me but she can not do it anymore and she told me what is the reason for breaking up, i listen to her, didn't judge her and told her i am here for her. i still want to support her to recover but still she blocked me again, since we are long distance relationship, i am unable to visit her. please tell me doctor what should i do? should I move on with my life? or should I wait for her to heal and come back? please give me an advice. as thinking about it killing me mentally.

[@jonahmontalvo3767]

thank you for the advice

[@corey_kuma]

For the record , I have my wife’s back always . It’s just very hard for me , I want to both confront the issue ( or those responsible ) and try to make her feel safe . The silence is just deafening when I’m 2500 miles away ( I’m awaiting my visas to move there )

[@sabinekoch5391]

My girlfriend has been drugged and raped by a "friend" of her a week ago and I’m trying to figure out how to help her

[@itslapislazuli]

Can u please share what u find out about helping her.

[@nadacomnadadentro5642]

Takr her to a professional and help as much as you can afterwards

[@newflower8974]

🙏🏽

[@motobro3173]

So how do we help them heal and feel comfortable with touch again?

[@talithasuya8908]

Such a beautiful question.

[@wishingonthemoon1]

As a sexual abuse survivor, never touch them from where they can’t see you. Don’t surprise them. Check in constantly with “is this okay?” Know the signs when to stop. For me personally, when I’m freaking out, I just need to calm down, so don’t act like it’s an inconvenience to you or try to reason it away. The worst, the absolutely WORST, is my soon-to-be husband keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. He knows what bothers me or triggers me, which I’m working on, but it’s like I can’t heal because he keeps doing the same things over and over. So listen, please listen.

[@josmclove4426]

Maybe you need to heal before even thinking about getting married.I feel sorry for your man always walking on eggshells 😔

[@nadacomnadadentro5642]

​@@josmclove4426 You should feel sorry for the person having her boundries disrespected, that's fucked up

[@jorgealfonzo6663]

Hi, I know it’s been a life time since you released this video. But I have been listening over and over again in this videos that people heal. I would like to know... I mean what does it looks like. Do you mean that it gets easier with time or the triggers disappear all together. I’m worried cause I have been dating this girl who have been abused. And I like her a lot and I definitely see a lasting relationship, but I stop myself and start to consider what would happen if it doesn’t work. I mean would I be doing her a bigger trauma? if she “heal” at least a bit during our relationship, She will “unheal” afterward? I’m really concerned, cause I don’t want to hurt her, nor her feelings, etc...

[@blakewatson9695]

Jorge, I really hope you read this being so long ago you replied to the video but......my friend there’s no good way to tell undesired advice, please let her go and hopefully get help for herself because you are highly likely to never get what you deserve from her and you’ll be in regret 20 yrs from now for not taking my personal experience advice. Buddy, no offense to her but run run run like hell and DO NOT LOOK BACK and think she has improved enough for change to be permanent. Did u hear me clearly? Jorge! Leave and seek someone that’s not been abused and in need of this kind of repair.

[@kaitybancroft1690]

@@blakewatson9695 this is terrible advice. Someone who has been abused deserves to be loved just as much as anyone else does and you having this mindset is abusive in and of itself

[@ismatsyed7608]

@@kaitybancroft1690 agreed, that was a terrible comment, i hope he made the right choice to stay with her and help her.

[@jacobclayton2954]

@@kaitybancroft1690 I'm in a similar situation. I think what Blake is really getting at is balance. At what point are your own needs met? At what point is said partner open to recieve your love? To understand that you really are there to love him/her and help heal them? At what point do they open up to you?

[@izaakgoyal3878]

@@jacobclayton2954 I agree from someone who is in a relationship with a survivor of sexual assault I know how difficult it can be to think about their needs and completely forget about your own. A relationship is a two way thing and if that isn’t honoured then it’s not right for either of you.

[@wackywally69420]

it gets really hard when the trauma manifests itself by the person engaging in risky and even self-destructive sexual acts, as a way to feel control. especially if it ends up hurting another person. its hard to know where to draw the line and help yourself first when you know someone is suffering bad and feels like they dont even deserve help. it feels like people are only aware of people who's trauma responses are fawning, fleeing, or anything else that is more passive. people who end up with hypersexuality and compulsions ive noticed tend to get shoved out of the conversation, hence why the cycle just repeats. its hard but im trying not to take anything personally.

[@Adyvulcan]

Can you please post more videos how to help spouse with trauma, thank you!

[@blakewatson9695]

What should I husband do when the husband has for the most part been all of these things ; patient aware understanding supportive open minded and his wife has refused to be consistent in getting therapy so she’s able to understand the abuse in order in order to heal and live without the constant fear and anxiety that causes so much dysfunction and continued emotional unavailability and neglect Still after 20 years at age 48? I am told The fact that she doesn’t love herself enough To help herself get out of the misery she lives with inside her head she could not possibly ever be able to treat and love me The way I deserve to be loved and treated..... very painfully I am starting to believe this 100% and know NOT what to do now!

[@georgedutton3222]

im in, a some what the same situation ..... Hug

[@reclusegraal803]

Let her know how much it’s hurting you that she won’t help herself. How her behavior is affecting you. That you’re there for her and have been there for her for how long and you’re not going anywhere. But you need her to work for both of you. It’s very unfair to you that after 20 years you feel unloved. Best wishes

[@conadaysweet7479]

Here’s the thing I dated someone that had abuse but he put his abuse onto me sexual not by hurting but he got on top of me without my permission and it hurt me like because I had an IUD that was broken and I was very communicative about that but when I was hugging him I was like I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared because of the pain from my IUD and he wanted sex really bad something triggered in him and he got on top of me without my permission I tried to say no but I was too scared to push him off of me oh so I did not put him in jail because I feel like that was his trigger I feel like that he put me through what he Was put you as a child so I gave him sympathy I thought so I didn’t say a thing

[@LOwens-xf8yo]

I’m not supposed to pressure my wife, but years go buy when she won’t talk or communicate with me. She’s convinced that only solution is for us to never ever talk about it and pretend it doesn’t affect us. Then another 10 years passes and nothing has changed, and I’m still affected by her irrational mood swings, random anger, & emotional distancing. How do I keep not pressuring her when she doesn’t believe healing is possible. Is healing possible? Is it really? After prolonged serious abuse, can anyone really get past being affected on a daily basis? Not pressuring her feels like pressure on me to take, take, take, and never having my emotional needs met be a priority. Telling her how I am affected by her is her biggest trigger. What does healing actually look like. I’m starting to think the idea of healing described in books like Courage to Heal just sell books. I joined a support group & everyone else talked about trying to catch up & understand their partners going thru the healing process. I was the only one whose partner wasn’t leading the way. Help!

[@keysthomas1966]

This is my biggest fear...

[@josmclove4426]

My current girlfriend is impossible to deal with.She is always looking for a fight and always takes me out of contex.Some seriously emotionally draining shit man I can't be patient or sweet enough for her.Eggshells everywhere 😬

[@JJDvorshak]

I've been in it for a year. She also had a bad father in addition? Look. I'm not saying it wasn't hell or not the sweetest, nurturing and most protective boyfriend. But one big mistake I've made: If she needs time alone. Give it to her. And it feels icky and like a freezing bed after a long time. Sickens me in many ways... It's like she can't understand I have problems too. Hurting. Isolated. And cold without touch. Don't know if it'll work... Sorry. Can't tell you more. Just sad today.

[@JJDvorshak]

Oh. Haven't slept. Forgot to say. It sickens me in so many ways. Because as someone from a kinda terrible family too. I see the toll it's taken on her. Growing up poor- which I didn't have to. Ignored. Rejected. In violence and emotional abuse. Bad environments. Bad schools. Bad first boyfriend. Many random hookups- some traumatising- and, ugh, I guess, an ex who you feel meant more to her when they were still going out. Yet you love her, cherish her, tell her everyday, softly touch her, kiss every part of her body and obviously are 100% hot for only her. And she... Pushes you away. Shows constant displeasement with the acts themselves and touching for too long is a screaming no and pain. And you are yelled at. You get used to that. But the words she sometimes says during. Bring down your whole world... Among other things. You protect her from stalkers and violent ruffians. And you still end up the bad guy for wanting her... You are worse than they are you feel. You cannot win. Glimmer of hope now and again. And she's always in competition with every little thing you do- even tho you don't care about winning anything- because everyone always told her she is stupid. Even though you've told her a million times- and really meant it- that she is above average in intelligence. Tonite. Last nite. What's the difference. I told her for the first time- in another argument in a million the last few months- SHE IS STUPID. I do everything I can for us. Am prepared to do anything. Love her and only her to the bits. And she? Still says she's unsure of us. And I'm bad cause I had a reaction. And I haven't been with her for months and it bothers me. And I can't touch her for more than a second before she freaks out and hates me again. And she says... I traumatized her. By having an emotional breakdown once in a while. And I never hit her. Or obviously raped her. And now. I'm just done with all of it. But I still have hope. And it's... Shit.

[@EdwardHaren]

My girl went to a party and was given way to much alcohol, and raped. She will not report it because of judgement opinions and loosing her job over it. Two coworkers invited her, she is a teacher. She wants to forget about it. But my mental status is abused she has blamed me for everything. She removed me from her life to forget she loves me all I want is to hold my baby girl. Sadomasochistic traits. I gave her my word five years ago stemming from a conversation on her personality disorder. My baby was raped I am totally supportive of her. But if she won't tell her school I want to . This has destroyed our relationship. All I know to do is the right thing and what she is doing by forgetting it is wrong. Help I can't loose my baby girl.

[@EdwardHaren]

Not trying to forget she loves me, forget her incident. I love this woman unconditionally.

[@kilasikuvideo8122]

I don't know why I don't accept this 100%

[@bsamai]

Best advice, do not get into a relationship while you're still working on your past trauma 🙏🏼

[@akashjones4047]

❤❤❤

[@newflower8974]

🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@taylortimbrook2030]

Is it different for a male? I've been doing a little bit of research because I wanna go to school to be a psychologist and I'm a feminist. So I just wanted to know if there's anything different socially I could help people through.

[@headshot8888]

I haven't seen her in over a year and haven't heard from her in almost 2 months. I'm loosing my mind.

[@IamThatIamMan]

Title says trauma, not a specific trauma, kind of assuming SA is only traumatising thing but is far from the worst. Also talking like this is assumed.

[@the_artaholic_]

Thank you for this

[@akashjones4047]

❤❤❤