Passing & Visibility

[@ladydirehart]

Being a black trans woman is one of the most soul crushingly lonely thing you can experience. We are rejected by our families and our communities. We seek belonging in queer spaces only to be rejected for our blackness. I'm grateful to have accepting friends and work in a queer friendly company. Without the support structures of friends and work, I would not be here today. It took me over 14 years from the realization to come out. Already a social outcast, I saw how these identities intersected. We bear the brunt of racism and homophobia. If / when we do pass, then we suffer the stigma of being black women. Life is harder now than it's ever been, but I don't regret my decision. People are made aware of my status as a trans woman if it's relevant. I do get judgemental glares now and then, I glare right back at them until they slink away like the cowards they are. As far as I can tell, I pass the majority of the time at any rate. It takes a thick skin and an iron will to be what we are. Most of us don't make it. I'm grateful for every day I'm still here on this earth, living as my authentic self.

[@mellowthm566]

So much this, transmisogynoir is a hell of a thing. I pass in a very queer way/ alt way and shapes my social reality but the biggest thing i struggle with in queer circles is the jezebel/hypersexualization or being seen as aggressive for the slightest flat tone. Transmisogynoir, misogynoir, and transphobia feel like the same circle at this point

[@Celestinewarbeck]

Please don’t generalize all Black trans women. My family loves, supports, and affirms me. And I also have a wonderful husband and a great career

[@Britneygurl]

You are seen. I accept you without question, and anyone who treats you that way is no friend of mine.

[@asiwassaying6726]

Although my empathy for your situation is profound, I recognize my privilege of being white. I do have black friends (who know that I am trans) and I can't imagine what you all go through just trying to survive life. I hope that you can find the strength to sustain yourself and find a wider community for support.

[@EsmeEdevane]

Nothing “radicalized” me more than passing. I felt invisible. I had to change so much of myself because the stakes raise so much when you pass I feel. I now identify as genderfluid. I was on hormones for almost two years and my hips widened a lot and I got some little breasts. I honestly just got off hormones so I could stealth easier and protect myself more. I’ve never felt more unsafe than being perceived as a cis woman. A lot of my dysphoria I feel has been helped so much by dismantling a lot of bs I’m still working through. People see my journey as a “detransition” which pisses me off. Just bc I went from hyper fem passing to a more punk fluid approach doesn’t mean I’m not still trans yk. I just am trying to learn how to see my own take of beauty on what I have. How I can show up as a fem person with my body and use it for good. Like I could literally have a natural born child with an afab person. I can get strong and protect myself/the people I love. I can use the “male” privelage to climb easier and project less fortunate voices. I’m not sure if this is forever or if I’ll get medical intervention again. But right now feels really important for me to explore. Thank you for your video. It made me feel seen in a lot of ways.

[@DaveA.L-b1f]

im a gay transguy living in russia of all places and i recently quited my job because i was misgendered every single shift. i made a friend in the building next to mine and after a few months of friendship i told her i was a transguy. there were moments in our conversation when i realised that if i say too much i will out myself, i felt so awkward. even tho i knew she was a safe person. im in trans limbo where im either clocked/misgendered in one second ot pass without a problem. im still friends with my manager from that job and she doesnt know im trans. sometimes she said transphobic stuff, like, girl, no one asked about your opinion on validity of enby folks. and i dont want to tell her. but also my transness provides context about my life. why my relatives dont speak to me? why do i struggle so much with men and my relationships with them? she invited me to her wedding. would she invite me if i was trans? i feel like she would totally out me to her friends. when im passing and in stelth people automatically assume i know absolutely nothing about women. they assume i had boyish childhood. damn, how do i tell them weirdo stories of the past when i went to girl-only camp twice? how do i tell them what my parents did to me for being trans and gave me ptsd? but if i tell them... will they see me as a straight girl with extra steps and throw out such a big chunk of my life?

[@karenmarieh.j.3842]

As an African American Trans woman, ....yeah, it is rough, but I had a friend who was White and wife left her, claimed she was abusive....... (even the cops knew the charge was crap). She muttled around for almost a year and one night her communication online seemed different. She seemed at a strange peace when she logged off. She took her life the next morning/day. I tell this story, because maybe as African Americans, we know of the hardships our ancestors went through to get us to a place. There were times I wondered if I would hit such a wall. Scared me even. Then I considered, that I was old enough to have known multiple ones who as children knew people who were once slaves. That is why I stress to my mom.....who went transphobic today..... that the same battles she fought in the 40 I am fighting now, so I can't give up on go back. As the Kid Rock's lyrics go ... "So I think I'll keep a walkin'. With my head held high I'll keep movin' on And only God knows why" Great video Brynn. On your Right

[@ugh_lily]

god i feel this shit so hard. the “responsibility,” is so hard to deal with. im about five years into being trans and i pass well enough. my girlfriend of about two years didn’t know i was trans when we met. im a mall carrier, have only been my “current self” while working here but its still lead to issues. for example, i learned after a year of working there that there was a meeting held because management and the union didn’t know what to do about me. until this point i had only considered telling some other female workers that i had gotten a little closer with because i thought i wanted to be seen. i was out as a lesbian, which is the label i connect with most prominently, but not as trans to anyone. turns out that the women i wanted to tell always knew via the grape vine. i was told there’s a rumor that im “actually a man.” and suddenly that desire fell away quickly. i lost the control i had and realized how scary it is to have this information be known without my consent - it felt like it was used against me! and then not long after i had more coworkers “transvestigating” me and asking others about it. its genuinely scary. if i had come into my office and proclaimed i was trans it would’ve been a different story but when they asked about previous names i just waved it away with “it’s a long story.” although i pass well enough and i do feel a responsibility like you say, im still so afraid of both being seen as a male as well as this idea being projected back into my mind. even though im happier with my body overall, i haven’t had surgeries and i honestly feel more dysphoric now because i feel closer to “womanhood “ than i ever had but also it feels like a fruitless endeavor. i dont know how people will see me, i dont know how they’ll treat me after the fact and taking solace in the ambiguity feels easier than addressing it all and taking a stand for myself, even though i feel ashamed of being scared to open this part of me up. thank you for sharing your thoughts and story, glad to know im not alone in feeling this way!

[@eliweierman7290]

I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to start hormones as a teenager. I feel comfortable in a form of masculinity that allows me to pass basically everywhere. Ive had time to deconstruct my old transmed beliefs, and i stay mostly stealth because i feel safer in the state i live + the place i work. Its been really interesting learning this new dynamic where everyone perceived me as a cis man. I at least find joy in being understanding of many aspects of my privilege and empathetic to women's experiences. Very low bar for men... Trying to find a balance between looking for my community and not coming off as a creep or chaser. Until very recently i was deeply insecure about my voice, but lately ive felt that my voice "sounding trans" is one of the aspects that could signal to others who have that part of their brain constantly looking for other trans people. I relate though that being trans is an important aspect of my identity that I tell those close to me or trust. Woof that being seen vs validated. Still navigating this! Somewhat of an inner conflict - am i toxic for conforming to these norms?? Has this been offputting to other trans guys? Idk .. if anyone can relate / has advice im always appreciative to input

[@Nic0Dr4ws]

I definitely relate, I started T while I was 14 and like 7months, im still a minor though. On one hand im really thankful that I pass, especially for safety reasons but in a way it also kinda sucks socially? I had a guy online like me just to stop liking me once he found out I was a trans guy, which didn’t really make sense to me because we never would’ve met up irl due to the distance, I wasn’t mad or anything but yeah. I also went through a minor identity crisis a couple months ago, randomly while I was working out I realized “oh my god, other people think I’m gay now and not just some really tomboyish girls who likes guys”. I’m still trying to come to terms that other people now ACTUALLY see me as a gay guy but I’ve mostly gotten over it 💀

[@riverchampeimont]

It is one of my transition fears that if I end up passing too well (I don't currently) then I will not be seen as trans, which I want as I am very proud and want represent trans people. So I totally relate. I believe every trans person is free to choose stealth vs visibility, you never have to be visible if you don't want to, you can just live stealth and you should never feel guilty for it.

[@Nic0Dr4ws]

Something that’s helped me with this feeling is wearing pride flags and stuff, that way you can choose when to be visible depending on where you are and stuff. I do this mostly with bracelets and stickers, although my water bottle that I bring out only has rainbow and the mlm flags on it since I don’t really want people at my gym knowing I’m trans

[@whyaretheykinda]

This is so relatable. I'm an AFAB non-binary person and Two Spirit. I feel like I can relate to the discussion about passing and femininity. Society right now just doesn't recognize people who fall outside the binary. Transness is unfortunately perceived as Woman Lite: AFAB folks are "still women," and AMAB folks are "not *real* women" yet are no longer "*real* men." So I totally get what you're saying about passing as a woman still not feeling euphoric because...it's not fully who you are as an androgynous transfemme. For myself going the opposite direction (lol), I feel like my presentation, even being pre-T, is very much giving "not woman" yet I am never, ever seen that way by others after I open my mouth and they realize I have a girly voice. Its so rough to exist in the middle at this point in time in this society.

[@storebrandryan]

Hear, hear.

[@WAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA]

i feel this so so so so much 💔

[@Tjmulli]

I think I needed to hear this today. I'm AMAB and still early enough in my transition that I'm still working on access to hormones (the services for which are a joke in my country) so I'm still stealth to most people in my life, including several people who I would trust to know but am honestly afraid to tell for fear of it changing my relationship with them. I particularly identify with what you said about being misgendered changing the way you see yourself, because at the moment every interaction I have in person that involves gender (and definitely any online that involve transphobia) leaves me internalizing quite a lot of it it and feeling incredibly dysphoric and discouraged in my transition. It helps a lot to know that I'm not alone in that!

[@forestholdeman8644]

It’s honestly really nice to hear the struggles of someone who passes, it makes it feel like less of a perfect utopia you’re working towards and more like what it is. Another step on your journey. ❤

[@jeanthebean9678]

Thank you for posting Brynn! Following your journey has really resonated with me, especially early in my transition when I was trying to figure things out. I think it’s great that you intentionally expose yourself to black creators. Being black definitely interacts with being trans. I’ve noticed that cis white people are more likely to read me as male (I’m trans masculine and non binary) than black people. I think it has something to do with black people/black women being viewed as more masculine in our society.

[@momadee7773]

It's OK to be stealth, you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to, and really outside of relationships there is no reason to. I really like how tuned into the intersectionality of being trans and race, but I'd like to challenge you to also consider the intersection of being trans and class. Your passing is a privilege. Passing is part genetics, part starting age, but $ plays a major part in whether one will ever achieve anything near ones goals. You have reached doll status Brynn - as a brick myself I applaud you and am happy for you. You don't have to be visibly trans for me.

[@Maelstrome123]

Hi, Dee, I totally get what you mean. Sometimes it feels like these are aspects that get down played or have the discussions around them discouraged.

[@mmeadowyy]

i really appreciate you talking about this even though its very complicated, it's so kind of you to share your experience and feelings and i just wanted to say thanks for sharing

[@starcr0ww]

Thank you for this video, Brynn. I can really relate to some of the struggles you shared here and it’s helped me feel less alone. ❤ I’m nonbinary/agender and transmasc, and I just started my transition in my 30s. I also want to present androgynously (for myself ofc!), and I really enjoy things like long hair, manicured nails, and femme clothing…So it’s been difficult to figure out how to present myself since most people just read me as a woman because of those traits. If I *had* to choose, I’d slightly prefer to pass as a man because that’s the less painful misgendering option at this point, but that’s a purely theoretical choice; at the same time I’m really aware that people reading me as a man is fundamentally wrong too and it comes with a whole other can of worms re:societal treatment. I’m still grieving not being able to “pass” as nonbinary since there’s not a societal benchmark for that, and I deeply wish to be seen and affirmed by the world around me. I’m still closeted for the most part bc I live in a red state, and I can definitely see how being stealth is analogous. For whatever reason, I feel way more connected to my identity as transgender than nonbinary and hiding that aspect of myself is painful, even though it’s largely for safety. At the same time I long to share my authentic self and just be me. It’s a constant struggle rn.

[@charlieb6210]

thank you for talking about this important subject in a deeply personal way! ♥ it's been a privilege to watch your journey as you've shared it over the years. we trans folk are at the forefront of the fight against patriarchy whether we like it or not. I admire your introspection and awareness. it encourages me.

[@christinahamiltonracing]

I’m still at the point where I just desperately want to pass. The only gender euphoria I feel is just imagining what it will be like when I finally do but I’ve never gotten to feel it for real.

[@asiwassaying6726]

I will tell you that part, and I don't know how to quantify, of passing is attitude. It isn't until you come to believe in yourself that things will seem to get better. Keep in mind that unless you are petite, people will see what they want and you can't do ANYTHING about it. What you can do is carry yourself well, don't be outlandish/drag queen-y, and take responsibility for yourself. One of the things that trips so many of us up are the "whole human being" makeover and adopting (very) stereotypical behaviors. If you have a good therapist (not a gender specialist ) then you might want to discuss this.

[@limaxim]

Love the sweater! Keep being you and making videos! I enjoy hearing your introspections as a fellow trans person ❤️

[@lensolla7777]

Super relatable as always! I'm also in the same place rn in my journey. Hugs and thanks for the video 🧡

[@znswanderer]

Hi Brynn! Made it to the end of the video ;) I can relate to the need to find out what one really likes. Yes, it's quite strange to have a body which is (in this form) 1 or 2 years old.

[@CloudCuckoo00]

I've so many resonating feelings about all you have said. Thank you, Brynn, for expressing yourself so thoughtfully and with such authenticity. I've no answers, just appreciation. I will state one simple thing. I love your sweater! It looks great on you 😊

[@Rhyswithoutherspoon]

You always post exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. Thank you so much for your insights and for sharing your experience(s). Your journey is really empowering to see

[@youbeautifulhumans4772]

The whole still learning your body thing is so real. -18 month old 😅

[@whimloomgames]

The feelings you had about being uncomfortable after telling somebody, people misgendering you (it even being worried about doing it) after you tell them. "i don't want to give them that power". my voice doesn't pass. i've never had a choice to "give" anybody that, they take it. even if lezipalooza says it's trans friendly, I'd be too terrified to even step foot in a place like that. i walk around with a post-it note that says "I'm mute" because I've been assaulted in public. your fear is valid, but i would literally murrdurr a person to have a single day with your voice. i wish i could be in a position to make a 30 min video even questioning how to navigate it instead of being terrified to leave my house. god I'm so jealous of your uncomfortable situation.

[@Aquatendo]

For the situation with your partners mom, I don’t think you telling her would have helped anything. In fact, her perceiving you as a cis woman and seeing you supporting your partner probably did more good. I think people are more likely to change their attitudes when people they can relate to and consider as peers display a different approach. Had you opened up, I feel it would have been much easier for her to write off your actions and even the relationship with your partner. I had been boymoding for a long time and finally came out at work two months ago (after 3.5yrs HRT + SRS), which finally let me feel free to change up my style and it changed my rate of passing significantly. It felt like I went from about 50% to 95% passing among strangers, and now suddenly the option to be stealth is before me. I’d love to always be visible in order to help normalize us and move society towards more acceptance, but it was also so demoralizing and exhausting for me to live that way. But passing is strange because, while I feel more validated and confident, I always think that I’d be treated differently if they only knew. It’s definitely made me think about how I’ll approach a new job or meeting new people in the future, and there’s no simple answer.

[@KamillaMirabelle]

The fixation on if people see it, in the fase where you begin to pass.. is where i am.. Right now i have a really hot guy at work which i dont know if we are flirting or not.. but feel like it 🫣 and then i got another male colleauge i am sure do not know, but it feels like he is interesting 😅

[@cai4871]

☀️

[@shanereynolds8651]

Nodding along af. The worst was when I went to a party with my cousin and someone asked if I was her boyfriend. Ewwwwwww! I HATE when people don't read my queerness!

[@stevie_M]

Hi, I think maybe continue as you are, not telling anyone until someone you are talking to asks you ‘are you trans’ because as you have said you pass and no one needs to know otherwise. If you’re wanting to be with a lesbian tell them you’re trans?