Transitioning did make my life harder, much much harder, but I was in a point where I had to decide between a hard life vs no life at all. I do not pass, and I never will, but I am not living my life to make others comfortable any more. I was done faking being someone else to get what I want at the cost of being myself. I can’t say I am happier, but I am living a full life, and that’s much better than the numb half life I had before. I wish you the best in whatever you decide for yourself💕
@Britneygurl3 күн бұрын
Same ❤
@MyThoughtsImJustSaying3 күн бұрын
But you’re the one that is being fake by pretending you’re something you aren’t
@Britneygurl2 күн бұрын
@@MyThoughtsImJustSaying please do your own research. A trans person who is out is the genuine person.
@MyThoughtsImJustSaying2 күн бұрын
@@Britneygurl I am a perfectly rational human being. I have done a lot of research. That’s why this video was in my feed. I am trying to break down these echo chambers so that this mess can help be resolved for future generations. We can’t continue to live in a world of people lying to each other and blaming “religion” or “conservatives” for the fact that these people are denying reality. It’s okay to be weird, but it’s not okay to claim to be something you aren’t. Men in skirts aren’t women, even with hormones and surgery.
@MyThoughtsImJustSaying2 күн бұрын
@@Britneygurl wrong
@skyevitiritti5 күн бұрын
One of the pieces of advice that my trans mother (the woman who helped me when I was first transitioning) was to not worry about "passing". Passing is an arbitrary and objective standard. She said to focus on solving the dysphoria. As long as you put the effort into yourself first, the world will notice and will accommodate. It sounded like she was insane when I was younger but now it really was sage advice and I will say the same to anyone.
@snom9534 күн бұрын
arbitrary and objective until you get hate crimed
@whendricso3 күн бұрын
The way we carry ourselves is a powerful means of expression and it plays an important role in the ways that others perceive us.
@UterineBlackmailКүн бұрын
That’s a useless platitude. It might sound deep or well-meaning, but passing is everything.
@aaronwoodruff70765 күн бұрын
I am a 51 year-old transgender woman. I started transitioning in the beginning of 2024 less than a year ago and I do not pass. I’m also 6 foot two inches and 170 pounds so I stand out like a sore thumb. I don’t dress in anyway that brings attention to myself but try to blend in. Elena your video is so appropriate because nobody talks about that if you transition, things could possibly get harder for you if you don’t pass. I didn’t think about that and yes, things are harder, but for me transitioning the other option was not being alive anymore. I am very happy with my choice to transition, however, that doesn’t mean that it’s the same for everyone else and I know that. I absolutely agree with you Elena. Everyone’s decisions are their own decisions and they should think about all of aspects and consideration how they feel and what they’re going through.
@oneoflokis2 күн бұрын
There are some very tall born women...
@obsidianjane44132 күн бұрын
@@oneoflokis Yeah but being tall sets transition to "hard mode".
@oneoflokis2 күн бұрын
@obsidianjane4413 I suppose.. I will admit that it is not exactly my problem: but I am interested in the subject! 🙂 (And of course sympathetic.)
@MyThoughtsImJustSaying2 күн бұрын
@@oneoflokis sympathy doesn’t mean you need to play into their delusions
@oneoflokisКүн бұрын
@MyThoughtsImJustSaying Whose delusions?
@ronefilia6 күн бұрын
Honestly, I was afraid to start the transition for many years because I was afraid of not passing, but I couldn't take it anymore mentally and my dysphoria became more and more unbearable. Now I'm stealth transitioning and I'm having the greatest time of my life because my body is finally working on the right chemistry. Just waiting for feedback from my friends that I'm passing enough so I can go out in public, and even if that won't happen, I no longer care coz I'm already as happiest as I can be.
@crystalvulpine23146 күн бұрын
Happiness itself is primarily genetic. You are able to be happy despite having a s**t deal in life, that is a priceless gift. Some of us can't be satisfied no matter what, just doomed to eternal misery.
@nuxxy_5 күн бұрын
@@crystalvulpine2314 and then we listen to poppy go screemo
@nuxxy_5 күн бұрын
thats pretty cool. i think a lot of us let it linger for a long time bc of all the many fears that adressing it brings up.
@ronefilia5 күн бұрын
I was so miserable for my entire life and were in very dark places, that I never thought I can ever be happy, but fortunately I was wrong tho :D
@MoonStone26265 күн бұрын
@crystalvulpine2314 Ok, but... really happiness is NOT genetic. It has to do with how the mind works and adapts and grows ....with whatever challenges we have!
@rahulshah14082 күн бұрын
Im a straight male. I do understand one thing. Feeling like an outsider. I don’t fit any culture. I don’t have the same values as most of the people around me. I’m awesome. So are you. I have no idea of the level of struggle you are going through. Be strong. Be courageous. Be you.
@omfug7148Күн бұрын
Great comment, I am a woman (who actually gets misgendered occasionally because I am not girly) at any rate, I completely understand what you are saying about being an outsider, maybe that is why I am a trans ally.
@badwolf17955 күн бұрын
I have always been depressed. I have no job or friends. I'm tired of people telling me how to act or be in life. I'm going to get help therapy for gender dysphoria. The more I repress and push away these feelings they come back stronger every time. I love your videos!
@ElenaDarlingg5 күн бұрын
I'm glad my videos can help you out, I hope therapy gives you the tools to improve your life. Take care and thanks for watching. :)
@badwolf17955 күн бұрын
@@ElenaDarlingg Thank you.
@toffthegoblin77905 күн бұрын
I started transitioning this year at 32 and had to accept that I may never pass but that it's still worth doing. I lean into alt fashion a bit and at 6'2" I already stand out, the times I might have passed people thought I was a butch lesbian and told me as such once they caught on. Being in Texas has been tough but I'd rather be out and clockable so that I can meet cool people. I think my goal for right now is to be beautiful in my own way and not let dysphoria keep me down like it used to for so long.
@E9Project4 күн бұрын
Stay strong and follow your dream 😊
@MizzKenzi4 күн бұрын
Own it! There's something so relieving about going against society's expectations in every way all at once. People see you and since you don't check their usual boxes you're a unique memorable individual and they'll mentally compartmentalize you as someone that goes beyond their typical definitions - which gives you the freedom to do whatever you want. I never thought I'd want to be in guy mode, but I tried recently and I think I failed, and it made me so happy. Then I realized that clothing is entirely subjective and genderless and I can do WTFever I want. You can too. Embrace yourself!
@hllyenaylleth95764 күн бұрын
It's all in your head though brother, don't let it get to you
@E9Project4 күн бұрын
@@MizzKenzi Now that's what I call freedom! I appreciate your kind words!
@Mz_jazzy3 күн бұрын
I know how you feel. I'm 38 and just got on HRT 6 months ago. It's hard but you will get through it. I know we both will 🏳️⚧️
@Esderc15 күн бұрын
I'm 58. 6ft 2in, broad shoulders. I'm never going to pass. I started transitioning at 54. It has been a tough 4 years, but I have recently had GAV, so I am complete. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Definitely. You are never to old to start to be yourself. A wise old trans woman once said to me: "transitioning doesn't solve any of your problems, and it can make things harder, but it makes all your problems worth solving." The best thing that any of us can do is to support our trans sisters (and brothers, and NBies) on their journey. Stay strong.
@UterineBlackmailКүн бұрын
There are a lot of short and petite trans women who do NOT Pass because they have hobbit proportions
@kimvette15 күн бұрын
I'm intersex (and trans; born a hermaphrodite, my parents opted for the more expensive procedure to assign me as male) and when I transitioned after quitting testosterone HRT, I went the slow route - no makeup, dressing androgynously, and waited until I started getting accosted using the men's room - and then I knew it was definitely time to transition. :)
@JDUK713 күн бұрын
That's the way to do it 😊
@nachtrevi822 күн бұрын
There is no such thing as hermaphroditism in humans.
@davehall8584Күн бұрын
no such thing as "Intersex"...Humans are male or female.
@kimvette1Күн бұрын
@@nachtrevi82 lame try of mansplaning my own health condition to me, bigot.
@NotJavi015 күн бұрын
I was one of those people who just tried to cope with dysphoria and live my life as best I could. But it started getting worse as years passed. Just started transitioning a month ago at 30, I know I probably won't ever pass but fuck it, the alternative was, as you said, "hell on earth". Just being on E already has made me feel more mentally calm, and at peace with myself.
@ElenaDarlingg5 күн бұрын
I hope things continue to look up for you, take care of yourself. :)
@NotJavi015 күн бұрын
@@ElenaDarlingg Thank you so much Elena, and thank you for your content ♥
@MizzKenzi4 күн бұрын
30? So young! I wish I had started then. You'll be just fine, dear. Hang in there. It's a slow slow process.
@NotJavi014 күн бұрын
@@MizzKenzi Awh Thank you 😭
@anneallison64023 күн бұрын
the way I saw it was I may not pass but my appereance will get worse by the day without estrogen
@FreeTimeAdventures5 күн бұрын
I'm 1yr 7months on E/Spiro, 2 years into facial electrolysis, and I probably pass on 1 out of every 50-100 interactions. As mentioned in the video, a lot of people don't say anything, but will whisper or point. When people do say something, it's usually out of curiosity. Those people often aren't "up to date" on LGBTQ+ language, and the interactions are usually awkward, a little crass and frankly embarrassing. I was lucky enough to keep my job, but lost my entire family except my very cool brother. From my perspective, you have be ready to cut ties, move, and start over if need be. You also have to learn some assertiveness and shut people down when they are speaking out of pocket, something I still struggle with at times. I don't like being reminded that I am trans and likely will never fit in either, but I still look in the mirror and smile more than I ever did before. I'm 36, I waited a long time, and I felt like it was much too late for me by the time I started. But at the end of the day, I'm still a lot happier now.
@Jenny-bi1ey5 күн бұрын
I have a friend who actually chooses not to pass. She's completely cis tier in looks but, she's made the conscious decision not to voice train. She doesn't have a super deep voice and talk like a bro or anything but her voice is obviously male in tone. I asked her if she would ever voice train because she could easily go stealth if she wanted and she flatly told me no, I like my voice and I'm proud to be trans and I want people to see that we're around. Her life is more difficult for it, people stare, say ignorant shit, she doesn't really use public restrooms unless its urgent, and has faced plenty of discrimination but she soldiers on undeterred. She inspires me, tbh. I'm 11 years HRT and stealth for the last 6 and I have stood back and listened to people at work and other places say horrible ignorant shit about trans people while I stood by and said nothing feeling like an absolute coward.
@williamreynolds64755 күн бұрын
Prior to transitioning, I would speak up against transphobia and try to educate people when I'd hear it. Being early in transition, I'm only going to hear shit someone knows will bother me, so usually won't engage. After this though? If I were passing? It would be very hard to do something that might make people stare a little too hard. It's understandable
@obsidianjane44135 күн бұрын
I feel your pain about not confronting and correcting transphobes. Its really hard, esp. if its in places where you have to continue to work with them.
@UterineBlackmailКүн бұрын
The voice training thing is a cope. Most trans women don’t pass before even opening their mouths. SOME trans women might pass at a first glance to distracted onlookers, but they fail to pass in sustained face-to-face interactions. However, trans women love to blame their cockiness on things like the eyebrows or the attitude (yeah, right) or the voice. It’s a prime example of the just-world fallacy. Trans women love to believe that hard work pays off and that the universe will reward your efforts. Let’s stop blaming it all on the voice or the eyebrows when in reality, most trans women do not pass due to their faces and even with FFS they fail to pass because the wrong puberty has permanently disfigured them.
@themarychulive5 күн бұрын
was good to talk to you about this! ultimately the person's happiness is the main thing.
@ElenaDarlingg5 күн бұрын
Agreed. ❤
@DscntnuousMgntic5 күн бұрын
Okay, I have some thoughts. I appreciate you trying to tackle this subject, it is a really difficult one that brings up a lot of emotions, it isn't so easily answered. My story for context: grew up in a very abusive (in all the ways) household in the 80s, parents split, I got into a school on a full-ride for academic achievement but was on my own after that. I had absolutely no exposure to the concept of being transgender as a real thing, the only allusions I can remember are Dog Day Afternoon and Silence of the Lambs. Yikes. Homeless during my 20s, stayed away from drugs thankfully, put myself together in my 30s, developed an alcohol dependency but also became successful in my job, bought land and built a house before COVID, so now I own my home outright and am pretty set. As this was coming together for me, my body was showing signs of aging and masculinizing. I had been very skinny, relatively free of hair, feminine my whole life. The more settled I got, the more established as 'a man', the more depressed, the more alcoholic I got. I have everything but I don't care and want to die. I had never really considered, am I trans? until I knew about trans people truly, which for me probably happened around 2015. My immediate reaction at the time was: Oh I would have totally been trans, if I had been born 10 years later. Well, that's not how that works, is it? But repression is pernicious, so I really had crushed the idea out of my mind until I was planning to leave this world on a daily basis and couldn't function without drinking. Fortunately, I stopped before I hurt myself or anyone else and got into therapy. Some part of me knew what I was doing, because I had surrounded myself with a number of really wonderful trans friends and allies, I had always been extremely interested in trans people and trans rights, even if I couldn't acknowledge consciously what I was doing, some part of my mind was taking care of things. I needed it to be really really really really safe for me to be brave enough to admit it, exactly because of what you are saying Elena. I mean, trauma response too, but just knowing, okay, I know I need to be able to take care of myself and feel OK before I can do this. So I did it, I am fully out now for about 2 months, on HRT for 2 weeks. And I don't 'know' if I will pass with everyone all the time, but I think with enough effort I probably will, at least with most people most of the time. But I also do not give a fuck and have the luxury of feeling that way because of how I set my life up, and like you, it was simply not an option anymore. It was get sober and accept I am trans, or die. And after going through all that, I couldn't sleep at night knowing, but not living out as I dare. It is different if your life is in danger, it just is. But I think if you can, if you are not in danger, you should do your best. My only issue with your video, is the framing of your question: "If you KNOW you won't pass, should you do it?" How would you know? I have traveled the world and seen women of all shapes and sizes and degrees of attractiveness and ugliness, I think almost any trans woman could pass in most situations with sufficient effort (and maybe money, true), but that is besides the point. How would you know if you will or won't? I am asking because what I see in online spaces is young trans women, not like me, who are absolutely savagely judgemental upon themselves and others. I guess I'm just asking you to be very careful in considering what you mean by 'knowing you will pass' because I am guessing a large part of your audience might end up being younger trans people and unlike me, they may have very distorted views of their own attractiveness or just a lack of understanding of how much people change over time and how much the little details of being feminine, actions, phrasing, gestures, interests, clothes etc. build the picture of 'a woman' in people's minds. I think very much that young trans women are hyper-focused on their bodies, the appearance of their face (how could they not be?) but they apply a disproportionate and unrealistic level of judgement to themselves. So, you may think you won't pass, but you might. And you might think you need to in order to do it, but then again, you might start down the road and find after a year or two, that you are very happy anyway and don't care after all if some one douche bag misgenders you sometime. Anyways, I appreciate your efforts in making videos, I hope you continue to make them! Sorry for writing a novel in your comments, but I think you can make a really good channel and you motivated me to respond.
@AngelTail5 күн бұрын
oh thank you for sharing insights and empathy with many of our siblings all over the world as well as cis women, trans women and persons of different beings, DscntnuousMgntic-sensei! Moi hopes that you have a group of people, a collective or a community, who'd support ya and help ya! Moi's also thought that trans rights... no, TRANS LIBERATION, isn't just about empowering oneself; it's also about empowering each other as people sharing the same oppression.... mixing personal liberation with collective liberation! All the best and love! Don't worry! 'felt and picked up and related with a lot of the points you said, esp: _My only issue with your video, is the framing of your question: "If you KNOW you won't pass, should you do it?" How would you know? I have traveled the world and seen women of all shapes and sizes and degrees of attractiveness and ugliness, I think almost any trans woman could pass in most situations with sufficient effort (and maybe money, true), but that is besides the point. How would you know if you will or won't? I am asking because what I see in online spaces is young trans women, not like me, who are absolutely savagely judgemental upon themselves and others._ Being a brown Asian trans person in the islands of the Philippines, many of us are slotted into the _bakla_ category (basically a broad term [also used as a slur against trans and queer folk here but is also being reclaimed as well), meaning I am perceived by others as a guy but since Philippine society does historically and culturaly acknowledge that there are people perceived as men but "may pusong babae" (having the heart of a woman = having long hair, wearing makeup, behaving in how society perceives as feminine ["mahinihin", as in gentle in moving physically and when interacting socially, ladylike, soft in one's gestures and approaches), so a trans Pinay is just slotted into this third-gender category if she doesn't pass. For my trans sisters who do pass in terms of looks and behavior, they're idolized and admired... moi feels it's an echo of how gender-nonconforming (and most likely trans women) people in precolonial Philippines were noted to have assumed the roles of shamans, priestesses, healers, intermediaries of the spirit/nature world and the living world, in precolonial Philippines, before the advent of colonialism? Yet legally, we trans folks are not recognized: no self-ID here, no gender-affirming care... actually, no healthcare for poor working-class peoples regardless of gender... Moi can only hope that many of us from the Global South to there in the Global North realize that our personal transitions and liberations can never be truly meaningful and complete without collective transition and liberation in the groups we live in... so it's really, really important (and moi's trying moi hardest to do mai best even though moi doesn't have any money at all to even begin mai transition, so I'm into growing moi hair long, connecting with my listening-femininity, sharing and caring, trying to connect with people in Palestine and figuring out ways to help them reach out to more people as they struggle under occupation and oppression... so basically being a carer, moi feels, is moi gender journey path, if that makes sense?) _Walang malaya kung di lahat ay malaya._ (No one's free until everyone is.) Right? _Para sa lahat ng ating paglaya!_ Sorry for the looong post, too, and 'wishing Elena-sensei and siblings well... and that may we connect all our struggles together with different oppressed peoples and act! 🏳⚧✊🏽🍉
@Kelly-tt9le5 күн бұрын
The one person who doesn't think I pass is my reflection in the mirror. In the wild, I'm seen, regarded, and treated as a woman, if which I am grateful,.... perplexed, but greatful.
@ElenaDarlingg5 күн бұрын
We are always going to be our own worst critic.
@JDUK713 күн бұрын
I do that!
@UterineBlackmailКүн бұрын
You might look as a woman superficially, you might pass at a first glance, but not in sustained face-to-to-face interactions
@WhitneyMallett-tw4fy5 күн бұрын
I started living authentically at 52.6yo. I enjoyed passing privilege not long after this, but I don’t pass all the time.. I think it’s all about confidence. I started feminizing HRT about 3.5 months later. I haven’t had any surgeries and haven’t done voice training. One thing I’ve learnt in my 2.5 years is that other people will see you how they choose to see you. I couldn’t be bothered correcting people who misgender me any more. I look at myself in the mirror and smile almost every time and that’s all that matters to me. As a note, I was told that I had androgynous body and voice about 7 days into my social transition.
@Completely-Hatstand5 күн бұрын
Beautiful 😁
@The_Future_isnt_so_Bright5 күн бұрын
Ive been transitioning in secret for the past 6 months. Just continue being you and doing what you do . See if people begin to notice, be patient. TELL NO ONE!!!! Think about this, when you are in a rush to do something, its the equivalent to creating a wake in a no wake zone ( no wake zone is where you let the boat idle or low throttle as to not create a large wave that will ripple through the docks damaging stuff.) When you are in a rush, that ripple will affect many other people by you driving like a madman, zipping in and out of traffic, and potentially crashing. Dont be forceful with this, just let it happen as it happens. As you start to notice changes, wear a little makeup from time to time. ease people into it. NEVER tell anyone what you are doing, show them the results instead, then they cant talk you out of it once you are on the way to being who you should be.
@MizzKenzi4 күн бұрын
I tried but as soon as my boobs grew beyond what I could hide under a sports bra I just went full-throttle 🤣
@Praxama3 күн бұрын
Same!! I’m 8 months in now :3
@leerobinson37862 күн бұрын
I haven't transition yet due to the fear of losing my wife. I do paint my nails pink, I wear dangle earrings and have pink tops, to help cope with my dysphoria. I want to Hailee, but not to lose my wife.
@MizzKenzi18 сағат бұрын
@@leerobinson3786 I wish you the best in finding an outcome that makes you happy. It can be an incredibly difficult situation, especially if you love your wife and relationship the way it is, but your wife wouldn't be with you if you transitioned. I tried and tried not to but it became unbearable. In the end I did, and my now ex-wife and I are great friends. My kid's accepting and I'm happier now than ever before. But that's my story, you get to write your own. Good luck!
@Sascha6772-s4h2 күн бұрын
While is important to consider how not passing might impact your life negatively, it's also important to consider that you won't necessarily know for sure whether you'll be able to pass. I've been for a year on hrt and I always thought I'd never pass. I've found to my surprise that sometimes I do, and I still don't know how far I can get. I think, unless your life would be in serious danger by transitioning, if you think that it is the path for you, give it a go. Baby steps.
@I.am.Sarah.2 күн бұрын
Hi Elina. Pretty much agree with what you say. I was so afraid of not passing that I pretended to be a man for 50 years. In that time I went out as myself maybe a dozen times and that was just going for a drive or to a meeting with other trans people. From my 50th birthday I have not lived a single day as anyone but my true self. I pass maybe 5% of the time (or maybe I'm just devaluing my ability lol) but I don't care what anyone thinks any more. The only time I respond to anyone who says anything about me is when they say it to me. I pass them and they make a comment to their friend, I dgaf. You confront me with less than respect then all bets are off. You are simply curious and not malicious, and I may or may not have a chat depending on my mood so if I don't chat I just say "yes, I am a transwoman. Have a nice day". I have now been taking hormones for 3 years this month and although I miss dating a little, I am just too happy being me to care about it. Funnily, the women who have asked me out are all under 25 and I just don't feel comfortable to date that far out of my own age so I tell them I am flattered but I don't have time for dating at the moment. I guess I'm lucky I live in Australia and the bathroom issue has only happened to me once and that "lady" was so aggressive that she lost her job and nearly got arrested while other women near me were just shocked by her actions and one turned to me and said "what a b***h". Anyway, you have a new subscriber and glad that you are happy being you as well 😊.
@geoduckgeoscience430014 сағат бұрын
Hi, I'm A 29-year-old trans woman who started HRT in February this year, and I didn't think I passed at all until I moved cities and found that tons of people I met for the first time (I'm currently just going by my initials as my name) have been automatically correctly gendering me, but also quite a lot of people aren't. It's very surreal.
@AS-Val-Gijinka5 күн бұрын
I pass but I'm still working on the self-acceptance part. It's hard. I never wanted to live like this but exhausted every other option - my brain simply doesn't run right without estrogen, and staying in deep depression is no way to live. Life's better now but I still wish I wasn't like this.
@ElenaDarlingg5 күн бұрын
If you can, think of how you'd treat your best friend if they were in your shoes and feed yourself the advice and care you'd feed to them. Hope things improve. Thanks for watching.
@juliaobernesser3494 күн бұрын
This offered a different perspective, and I'm thankful you were able to provide it. I've been transitioning for a little over 4 years at this point, and get discouraged when I am misgendered. What I never thought of before is I have never been clocked. More often than not, people call me Sir or him. If there was a ratio I'd say it's 80 him and 20 her. In terms of coping, it depends on the day. Some days I just say "I'm actually a girl" which is usually followed by deep apologies than I go "It's pretty common unfortunately" or "Eh, happens all the time". Other times I'm taken back by it and by the time I find myself they already walked away. Then on more days I'm like "I don't have the time, it's not worth explaining". As for after being misgendered, all I could need is a good look in the mirror, other times I spiral and need something to break the loop. Generally I believe in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. If you didn't get a good night sleep, are hungry or just not feeling well, such things are going to hurt more. On the other hand, if you feel great, and are around people that make you feel great, being misgendered will be a minor annoyance. I could go on, but I don't know what the word limit is.
@tannertadlock7741Күн бұрын
I don't pass, at least most of the time, and it's incredibly difficult to put on what work that I can and still be called sir all the time or treated like a man even by people who know that I'm trans. But the driving force is that what I'm seeing in the mirror doesn't disgust me (as much) anymore, that my happiness is my own and if someone else doesn't understand or refuses to then that's not for me to worry about. On the note of dealing with negative treatment, I try to quickly correct them if they seem to be doing, saying, or asking things in bad faith, but 9/10 I just keep my mouth shut. They don't know and probably aren't doing anything on purpose. That doesn't make it hurt any less, though.
@ChloeCommentss3 күн бұрын
This is terrifying simply because as a minor and in a place (The UK) that means even if I were to get therapy for and recommended for puberty blockers, I won't get it. I'm down to the will of God on whether I'll pass or not with the next 2 years and a bit til I can do anything and that really sucks. But ultimately, I'll be happy either way, just alot less in one over the other.
@ChloeCommentss3 күн бұрын
For info, I'm pretty sure they have a ban on puberty blockers for minors still up and keep pushing the goal post on when they'll reinstate them.
@Tsuki_Itsubi2 күн бұрын
I've been on HRT for around 6 years now, I started when I was 24. Sadly I don't pass, and it is hard. But I'm still grateful I went through with it. I was at the end of the track, I couldn't keep going on. I needed to risk everything on moving forward or I'd lose everything anyway because life wasn't worth it the way it was. It's difficult, I wish things were different, but I have wonderful and supportive friends. I don't regret my choice and I never have; I'm so much happier. Even if I don't pass, even my facial features make me happier. I can look myself in the mirror without shying away. And the hormones alone made everything better. Having the right hormonal balance did a number on improving my life, made me feel right.
@runner4life5513 күн бұрын
This is a very balanced and compassionate take. Thank you! ❤️
@KymGedinski-wp6iv5 күн бұрын
So so SO Happy to have found your channel, love your headspace, so awesome to hear from a level headed human out here sharing valuable insights for life
@blindey2 күн бұрын
Even if I was the same, I'd still transition. The mental effects for me are worth it alone. I was lil apprehensive over...everything but I got over it. Hope everyone else finds peace and acceptance.
@annaquadro8025 күн бұрын
Thank you for this video! This is the first time that someone says not to transition is a viable choice as well even if you know full well what you are. It is true and I respect that choice too. There is a lot of presure to conform either way. Pick your poisen I guess. But there is always hope for the future.
@ToplessTopics3 күн бұрын
This is an interesting conversation and I appreciate your take on it. one thing that I heard quite a while ago on a contrapoints video that really stuck with me is something along the lines of "do you think I wear all this girly stuff because I really like the aesthetic? no it's because I want to indicate to society that I identify as a woman" and it really makes me feel badly for Trans people who may be identify with a different gender than what they were assigned at Birth, but at the same time don't want to feel pressured to perpetuate sexist Norms of what that gender is "supposed to look like." I'm a cis woman (though for a little while in my younger years I would say I was closer to agender) and for the most part even when I do go out without makeup, wear pants, Etc, I doubt most people are going to think that I might be trans, and I'm aware that's a privilege that a lot of other trans people who "can't pass" don't get, even when they do engage in "girly s***". The few times in my life where I did hear people use male pronouns towards me, assuming that I was a dude, it really bothered, me and I don't think they were even being transphobic. I think just when I was younger and I wore really grunge clothing, I guess they thought I really was a dude. so I can imagine when you are spending so much of your energy trying to present as a different gender and you're still getting misgendered, it must be a punch on the stomach every time. the last thing I feel compelled to say on this subject is that as someone who's been trying to raise awareness about the absurdity, the sexism, the misogyny, and the transphobia of gender-based censorship AKA free the nip-eel for the last 10 years, this subject is why I always emphasize "female looking nip-eels" or "female presenting nip-eels" not "female nip-eels" versus "male nip-eels" because it doesn't matter biologically what you were assigned at Birth, only what gender you " look like" from the waist up that determines if you're allowed to go without a shirt online in public. so if a trans woman fails to "pass," does that mean that she's allowed to still go top (less) in public? where is the line that determines if someone's chest is "seggsually ekspleeseet newdeetay" or not? I think the tiniest bit of introspection on this subject reveals how bs it is and yet the majority of Americans never even think to question it. the whole thing is just so absurd 🤬
@NatsWright6 күн бұрын
I feel a big part of passing is vocal training. You get a lot of trans women who look amazing, but as soon as they speak, you immediately know! I pass 90% of the time, and generally forget i'm trans. Occasionally a youth may make a comment under their breath, but you can tell when folks have clocked you, and when they have not. I've trained my voice too, and think that really helps when folks maybe are not sure! If someone is curious and does notice, I just answer any questions they may have!
@nuxxy_5 күн бұрын
unfortunatley that is locked behind working with people and people kinda forget a lot of people on the down and out arent gonna be able to work toward that type of progress bc that sometimes requires a peace with the self and maybe hormones first for some which is why there are some that lag way behind on it even tho its what they want.
@banillivanilli5 күн бұрын
i will say that ever since voice training and having something immaculate to work off of, i mostly pass these days specifically _because_ of my voice, because i'm not adhering to traditionally feminine aesthetics, and still get hit on a lot when i'm boymoding. it's for sure an interesting experience to get ma'am 98% of the time, 100% (so far) if they hear my femme voice first. i never get people confronting me about it, because they just kind of know and respect that i look a lil different, and i remember my gf pulling me into the underwear isle in walmart to "chaperone" her, because i passed more than her and shielded her from discrimination lmao
@NatsWright5 күн бұрын
@@banillivanilli oh, forgive my ignorance, but what's "boymoding"?
@deathguitarist125 күн бұрын
This was me until recently. Shouldn't have taken me 7 years to start it and until the 8th year to finish but I'm Soo glad it's done. Passing is so much easier now. I was already physically passing for the most part.
@russianbear00275 күн бұрын
@@NatsWright boymoding is slang among trans fem folk for presenting in a masculine way, often with the intention of hiding your transness. For example you might wear a mans suit and tie and not wear any femme accessories for a corporate job. Like a lot of slang its fairly context dependent and exact definitions vary from person to person
@NovaLuster5 күн бұрын
I have observed that however a trans person decides to live their own lives the common belief that they can all be put in a single category is false. Trans people represent millions of people going in a million different directions. We all need to be humans and treat and be treated with basic respect, regardless of our physical image.
@leonewulfe51372 күн бұрын
Transition anyways!!! I didn't Transition for YEARS because i was afraid i wouldn't pass, but now ive missed out on the growth period where i could still maximize my benefits of hrt. I pass-ish now (with maximum effort everyday), but definitely could have been waaay more beneficial if i started earlier rather than worrying.
@PostalHeathen5 күн бұрын
I am trans, and I only started hrt about two months ago, at 43 years old. Before I decided to move forward, I accepted that I will not pass. I accepted that people would see me, at best, as a trans woman, with a heavier emphasis on the 'trans' part. I accepted that because, while I wasn't yet at the end of my rope, I knew I eventually would be. I had a choice of continuing as I had been, uncomfortable and fundamentally unhappy at my very core, or I could choose the riskier road and maybe have a shot at real happiness at the end of it. I chose the latter. I'm still not comfortable presenting feminine in public, as I don't look *at all* feminine yet, but I'm looking forward to the day I can show the world who I really am.
@astridlenore3 күн бұрын
I'm pretty sure I'll never pass, but at age 46 I finally made the decision to transition with zero regrets now, a year and a half later. It seems half of my journey has been learning not to care what people think while still connecting with people and yes, it takes a very thick skin sometimes. Elena's right, weigh the pros and cons of transitioning and take your time making that decision, as it may well be the most important one of your life.
@stasacab5 күн бұрын
Decades ago a colleague started talking to me about an island in Thailand full of transvestites. I said that for us westerners some oriental habits may look strange. Passing is everything. Everything went down the tubes when I did not pass and then I did no longer even have money for expensive cosmetic surgeries. The stress of it all made my body ill, like I have hypothyroidism and fibromyalgia. Those are like 24/7 -diseases, you have to model your life around them. Stress kills, so you have to make a life that is not stressful. I was told that eventually hormones make you passable. Well, now I pass most of the time, even though I doubt it. I think people are just being nice. 27 years of hormones. Most of it is confidence, all those lived years of being an ugly woman. But is life easy or should it even be easy.
@atarisidequest5 күн бұрын
I knew I'd never pass but I'm transitioning anway. It has it's own challenges but also I feel authentic for the first time in my life. It has allowed me to identify and reject a lot of internalised misogyny and recognise trauma induced behaviours, giving me a focus for healing. On the other hand some struggles have increased: I always hated my body and facial hair but now that I'm presenting as feminine in public the hatred of it is almost overwhelming. Same with my weight. I've gained so much weight and even though my body is changing in all the right ways I can't wear much of the clothing that I bought to look and feel pretty in. I've always had issues with body image so this has become more complex but it's not unfamiliar. Public perception has been really encouraging, actually. For every negative comment I've had 10 positive ones, but I live in Australia so that's a pretty important detail. The further I get into my transition the more I find myself smiling in the mirror. Things like how my hair is now decidedly feminine after a year of growing it out from a mohawk, or how nicely I've shaped my eyebrows, or at the breast tissue growth progress. I find myself satisfied at the way skirts sit high on my waist as more fat transfers to my hips. Of course I have waves of severe dysphoria that have also intesified: it's not fun when I perceive "a middle aged male trying to be a woman" staring back at me. It seems that every single emotion is 10x the intensity. And being in my 40's, learning hair and make up is a slow, expensive and laborious process. It doesn't come naturally, you have to seek out informaton on how to do these things; after all I didn't get to experiment and talk about all this with my girlfriends growing up. But the process is fine and the satisfaction when nailing a style is real. So, should I have transitioned despite knowing I'll never pass? Absolutely and I don't regret it at all. I'll get to live out the later part of life as my authentic self and for me that is everything.
@Tanbris5 күн бұрын
Two years HRT(MtF) so far and glad that I have decided on this path. I am 41, a life of making others happy at the cost of my own had me start much later and while I may not get the best results I am still happy with my decision. I do get misgendered often and it is mainly due to my voice, it is a deep voice but soft and I have been doing some early voice training but it has been very difficult learn/train. My looks are pretty androgynous imo, my friend refers to me as her amazon tells me I pass visually way better than I think I do. I feel like if I can train my voice to a likeable state then I won't have much issue and I will definitely be happier with the pay off.
@candycox30074 күн бұрын
Wow, you really have the most relevant and important topic. I watch several channels of you and your peers during my morning routine. You have a great perspective on life, your insight, and worldview is spot on. Keep on going, girl.
@aveuchКүн бұрын
I wish I had watched this 10 years ago, by the time transitioning became an option I was already well over 6ft.
@asinga_tv4 күн бұрын
34 and been transitioning since late 2023, just over a year - I don't necessarily think I pass yet, but there are days when I look at myself in the mirror and think I look soo f'in cute! xD It's definitely a strugglebus, there are days when I just put on masc clothes to go to the shop because I don't want the attention, but there are always major events where I feel like I want to be out and proud as a girl, for example me, my partner (non-binary genderfluid) and our close friend (cis guy) went to an Air Show to see fighter jet acrobatics, it was an important day for all of us, we were super excited and I went out in full girl-mode. When I turned up, there was a lot more people than I expected and I definitely had a moment of "oh shit, what I have done?" and while I did get a couple people taking double-looks at me, I never had anyone say anything and I ended up actually feeling really comfortable and relaxed, that day dispelled a lot of my doubts and made me adopt the mindset of "I don't necessarily care if I pass, are people aware that I am a trans girl and are respecting it? Yes? That's enough." I know not everyone can think like that, and who knows, maybe with a little more time on HRT and me and my partner building out my wardrobe of femme clothes I'll fully pass in the future, but for now - I'm really happy doing my own thing and taking my time.
@ElizabethSerenity3 күн бұрын
Well, it doesn't matter much. Unless you like work. I'm pretty vanilla. Like crazy professional & always just wanted to fit in & have been a big failure at that. Shrink made a good point, she can't change me. I can't change me. So I embraced transition. It just made stupid great sense to me. Passing is huge in a professional environment. I don't want drama at work. I'm not looking for drama. BUT sure enough if someone won't have a meltdown. I'm not trying to be a snowflake. Just trying to fit in. Some other snowflake throws a fit because I'm not perfect. IDK, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm just a cubicle rat, a keyboard commando, why is MY transition such a huge deal to everyone else? So to me, passing is financial stability. What is business casual for MTF? My tailor said I'm busty and I about lost it. I just don't want to go homeless like alot of my peers. Also don't want to look like an idiot. Professional wall flower is what I'm going for.
@nat.unbreakable5 күн бұрын
I'm a clearly non-passing middle-aged trans person. This video was really nice, thanks. Where I live people sometime come a cross as over-anxious to prove their allyship or acceptance. Passing would definitely be welcomed but I'm working on accepting it as it is, and I think I might be able to call the transition a success. Thanks for giving me that language, I haven't thought of it like that before.
@picorosita5 күн бұрын
Back in my 20s I started HRT and adopted an androgynous presentation. I actually didn't know if things would work well for me but I wanted to try and see for myself. I paid attention to my movements, my voice and my presentation and eventually I started to receive reciprocity with strangers, the phone, etc. It was a time of anxiety but it was also fun and exhilarating to find out that social transition was possible for me (even though I wasnt out to my family). I didnt mean to be perceived as a feminine guy but perceived as a androgynous woman. Once that became achievable, that is when I realized i could push the boundary and jump ahead with transitioning. I am in a point in my life that i dont care i pass or not but i could see it wouldve been tough if i didnt back when i was younger when my self esteem was hanging by a thread on a field of broken glass. Imo, one year into HRT and some social experimentation out there in public is a valuable tool to help a trans person determine if they are ready to fully commit but it is definitley a very personal decision at the end of the day.
@jeffreyalfier46214 күн бұрын
This is the first video of yours I've watched. I'm very pleased to subscribe.
@nesomnia5 күн бұрын
I'm in my 40s, and didn't finally come to terms with being trans until I was 41ish. I agonized over medically transitioning for a year, and then decided to go for it. If I could make that choice again, I would not medically transition. There was a brief moment where I was happy because I was hopeful, but now approaching 5 years on HRT and nothing being different has been devastating. I could have had this identical outcome but with a lot more money in my bank account if I had not started HRT. My life is now significantly worse. I know, we should all accept what has been and look forward to good things in the future, but I'm at a point where I don't see anything in the future. I don't feel like good things will ever happen again. I don't want to be a downer but it's super super SUPER important, particularly if you're older, to have a strong social support network in case things go badly. I didn't have many close friends, and lost my family when I came out to them. Be sure you can still look at yourself in the mirror and say "yes, this is good" regardless of the outcome.
@MiharuHiramu5 күн бұрын
I'm sorry to hear this and hope things turn out better for you. It's unfair that some people in the community push people to transition as if it fixes all problems and hrt works like magic. This is why this channel is good that it is more grounded in reality. Hang in there!
@sophiepooks21745 күн бұрын
Yes true, your story is not uncommon, even if you are not what you, or others thought you would be at one stage, a thing many forget is all humans age and loose their looks eventually regardless of gender. The most important thing is regardless of how you look, ask yourself would you want to go back to living as a man? My guess would be no, so even if you go off HRT you will still be trans, many do take a break from transition and have gone back to it when feeling better again, there is really no such thing as a de-transition, The best thing would be to get involved in community if you are able bodied or not already; volunteering for charity work a few days a week etc, you will find a supportive group of people or find some hobbies you can afford, take care.
@hllyenaylleth95764 күн бұрын
Have you thought of detranstioning?
@ch3p3p33 күн бұрын
Cold, hard truth...either you gatekeep transitionning (ban it, impose a multi-year waiting period or really high minimum age, avoid all subsidies and maybe even tax it), or you allow it, and offer surgery to anyone who wants it. There is no middle ground. What's interesting is that your video doesn't discourage anyone from pursuing chemical transition, even if there's a solid chance that they'll never enter "stealth mode".
@The-die-youve-created4 күн бұрын
Ten year middle-aged, 6"2', blue collar, transwomen here. Me and everyone who sees me knows I'm trans. It is difficult. Sometimes, extremely so. But I didn't transition for everyone. I transitioned for me.
@MiharuHiramu5 күн бұрын
I started hrt when i was 23. Now I'm 39 and aging is a thing, it creeps slowly after 35 and along with it you might not pass as well as when you were young and beautiful. It's just something to remember and accept as part of life!
@obsidianjane44135 күн бұрын
But then the genders begin to merge again. Everyone gets old and wrinklely. So "passing" gets easier. Really just voice, clothes, and mannerisms.
@Kolesmall5 күн бұрын
Hell on earth. Mind torn between who I want to be and am. 😢 Never too late to start working on yourself. Be happy and find love 😘
@princessjulieta5 күн бұрын
I enjoy your videos. I do enjoy the acknowledgement and the affirmations with people treating me seeing me and thinking of me as a woman. I don't pass 100% and being pre medical and pre hair removal with incomplete voice training will do that to you. But I am happy.
@MoonStone26265 күн бұрын
Hello ! Thanks again Elena for your clear headed and sensitive delivery! Yes, I dont pass. My face tells it all. I am early in this awareness of transness, so its normal. Normal but tough. I am also older so god knows how HRT will help if it would help at all. But I am trans. So self acceptance, which you stress, is crucial. And has to be faced from all angles possible. After all we've come to this planet with a purpose. And the challenge is there. And we need our intelligence and open heart to face it all. SO be it. Face it. We could be handicapped or with born with no legs, or blind or whatever. The challenge is there and its our human condition, so lets make the best of it ;) Thank you Elena for sharing ;)
@transneptunianmarcy5 күн бұрын
I think I was more afraid than I should've, sometimes it can be bad, and i thought I wouldn't be able to deal with it, but you also get stronger, so anyone reading this, good luck with your choice 😊 just don't let fear get in the way of your life
@angelaatwood463 күн бұрын
Wow, I was just thinking about trans people "passing" the other day. I am a cis woman and part of the LGBTIA+...and I thought, well if a trans person wouldn't pass well, they owe it to themselves to transition for THEMSELVES...so I watched your video and gained some insights on what you had to say...I think (but don't know about everything since I'm not trans) that you need to be sure you really are, and people in your family who would have a problem with it weren't really your family to begin with. I had a very dysfunctional childhood and teen years with a stepmom and dad that are so dysfunctional today I don't talk to them anymore. My birth mother hardly came around, so it's just my sister and stepbrother I speak to, with one friend at the moment. That means I don't celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's worth it to me though, to choose myself over people in my family that make my life hell anyway! Also, if you are in a city, it's probably easier to find LGBT support, and a job. You can also manifest things you need if you are on the spiritual side, only saying that I now have this, which is past tense in order to manifest.
@Completely-Hatstand5 күн бұрын
FTA. This is a good one. My take is that we owe it to ourselves to live as authentic lives as we can. Thinking back and it has been a while, the first couple of years had some rough spots, either because of internal or external infuences but I kept my job and most of my friends including a couple who knew me at school. Oestrogen is a wonderful thing, you can lose some height, your hands and feet can shrink. I was almost 5'10", now under 5'8" fracturing vertebrae flipping my bike last year helped though not recommended 😂😂. My face is natural with just oestrogen enhancing. I've weighed like 65kg forever. I know where my bad bits are and the rest is mostly liveable with. I will talk to people about my trans experience and when I don't feel like it I just say 'that's so last Century darling, lets talk about something interesting', so I guess I do deflect a bit by drawing attention to my 'large hands' when in actuality they're smaller than lots of my girl friends etc. Like Elena I got to a stage where I knew a pine box was my immediate future and just said to myself 'f**k it I'll just be me, I can always 'off myself' next week. Then 1 week became 2, then a month, then 2, then it was a year, then 2, then my manager at work gave me a 10th anniversary card. Now hrt for almost 34 years. The Completely Hatstand moniker I use is from a character in 'Viz' magazine and basically reflects that it helps if you are 'totally bonkers' being Trans, cos no-one would choose this experience on a whim. Just live the best lives you can with as much grace and understanding for each other. Virtual hugs C-H Lady biker and trans woman.
@ElenaDarlingg5 күн бұрын
Glad life is treating you well.
@Completely-Hatstand5 күн бұрын
@ElenaDarlingg No probs, I like what you have to say as you keep it real. 😉 I find it funny that in making my 'For The Algorithm' comments I've probably shared more of my story to a random world, than ever before.😂😂😂. Being 100% honest the only thing that has held me back is my total lack of self confidence, I've been that way since childhood but when I say this to people they just look at me completely askance. I then point out that self confidence and with this body I would've been such a sl*t that you wouldn't have liked me 🤣🤣🤣 being older now I realise how much value there is in being respected and liked for simply being me. ❤❤
@UnluckyWednesday4 күн бұрын
You rock! The world needs you and loves you!
@silversmith3336 күн бұрын
Yeah it blows, passing is not just for swag, it’s also for ur safety. Ppl are crazy when they don’t understand their feelings
@UterineBlackmailКүн бұрын
There are different degrees of passing. The lady in the video might pass at a first glance, but not in face-to-face sustained interactions, through no fault of her own.
@Citizenflaba2 күн бұрын
I’m agender so. To most people that’s under the trans umbrella. I had a trans friend dress me up do makeup the whole shebang. And I felt very strongly that if I can’t pass 100% and wasn’t really pretty it wasn’t worth it to “transition”. I say transition in quotes because I have no gender to go to or from, all gender feels like someone’s else’s clothing that never really fits or vibes with how I want to truly be. I typically suffer zero dysphoria but cramming myself into a gender role that would be perceived as not passing or ugly does give me dysphoria and so ergo I would never transition unless I could instantly look exactly how I’d like.
@CloudCuckoo005 күн бұрын
Hi Elena. Still quietly enjoying your videos here 😊. A thought crossed my mind when watching this one about the different ways we look at the whole dysphoria thing, and I hope you don't mind me sharing. I'm inherently uncomfortable with over-medicalising transness. I've no issue with those who do. That's just me. But when it comes to gender dysphoria, with full acceptance that it's real and often core to the trans experience, my view is that it's no more pathological or a disorder than it would be if a bird was forbidden from flying and found the situation depressing, stressful and unbearable. In other words, its external situation would be abnormal, not its reaction. It shouldn't have to justify its need for freedom by constantly telling of its particular sensitivity to having its wings clipped and being caged. It should just be allowed to be ❤
@パガイ3 күн бұрын
the bird metaphor is so real, stealing that 100% simply existing as trans in a cisiety that would rather see you injured or dead is a feat all its own. keep living and surviving and thriving out there, for the girlies all over the globe!
@Rozzia5 күн бұрын
Oh girl this video is absolutely genius. Really helped me with so many topics. Thanks a lot ❤❤❤
@JolieEnglish3 күн бұрын
I'm 5'11 and pretty face. However even though I'm "pretty" my face is still clockable. Along with my height and broad shoulders, I will never pass 100%. However, I treat everyone kindly and get that same treatment in return 95% of the time. I think people respect me because I'm kind and they can at least see I'm trying my best to not rock the boat.
@moonshinedown23 күн бұрын
i'm a trans man abt 3 years into transition that passes probably 80% of the time and any time i get misgendered by someone i just say "oh, i'm a guy i'm just androgynous" and that usually fixes the problem. getting angry or correcting on my pronouns doesn't work on cis people, but just being kinda chill about it seems to work more often. love your channel btw, i love to learn about and support my trans sisters and you seem like a really genuine person. new subscriber for sure
@elena39413 күн бұрын
Hi i just want to say its so cool we share a name, im a cis woman but i think its so nice you chose my name :)
@senna36 күн бұрын
I would simplify this to a simple question "Even if I don't pass, would I be happier transitioning or living in my natal gender?" I answered that I was happier transitioning 3 years ago and haven't looked back.
@joannelouiserodriguez59666 күн бұрын
I haven't focused on passing I sadly had to transition as I couldn't stay who I was born with my dystopia has gotten less now I am transitioning I am happy as I am weather I pass or not I am fine with it 😊❤
@LadyDiana19565 күн бұрын
I think you are lovely dear so if you have that feminine essence to go with your looks I think you got this!
@WylieWolfenstein3 күн бұрын
I'm curious about being trans. I've never been fully happy with my body because I'm a male. I've always wanted to be elegant and beautiful, not just... handsome.. I want to wear dresses and skirts, I want to wear makeup, I want to present myself as female. I never gave being transgender a thought until one day, when I went to the hospital, the nurses asked me my pronouns and for the first time in my life I felt that I was perceived as something other than a man, it was eye opening.
@Eldy5 күн бұрын
Honestly this is super sound advice, when I was a first transitioning my doctor literally told me to think about it like you know what are your goals going into this and what not, and I just simply told him practically the same thing like I'm okay and comfortable with doing this and he actually brought up the would you be looking around about way comfortable with not passing. And I simply said to him like I'm okay with it I would rather than to be depressed and I'm just going to let nature take its course and I'm going to accept myself and what happens I was fully aware that I might not pass and I would have to deal with that for the rest of my life similar to what you explained so I completely agree with what you're saying if it's going to bug you you probably shouldn't do it just because of the implications it can have but if you are still going to do it because they're dysphoria is extremely bad and you can't handle it then transitioning is honestly better than the alternative. Thank you Elena again for making an awesome video and sharing some sound advice and being an awesome trans role model to look up to.❤
@obsidianjane44135 күн бұрын
One of the best things that has helped non-passing and in transition (ugly duckling stage) TG peep's is the rise of and "acceptance" of enbys or non-binary "lifestyles". With more people refusing to conform to gender norms, it gives breathing room for those who otherwise society would feel free to oppress.
@SpenglerExtreme4 күн бұрын
If I start HRT, years down the line I’ll still look like a creepy guy doing the shittiest drag. I’ll have to deal w the worst of people, humiliation, and harassment. I’ll never accept myself. Basically it’s best I don’t even bother w transitioning. Great. Love that for me…
@gencideet5 сағат бұрын
You can always try. HRT and other forms of medical transition (such as laser) doesn't mean you have to socially transition until you are ready. I'm 11 months into HRT and I still present as a guy. To my surprise, even though my hair has been thinning hard because of androgenic alopecia that runs in my mother's side (my hair now reaches under my ears, but the top is still thin though recovering, and my forehead big), and I thought I wouldn't pass, last month two different men in their 60s or so, referred to me as "she/her". I was "boymoding", wearing just a hoodie and jeans. And I was with my girlfriend, holding hands and calling each other pet names and all. Well done voice training can do miracles, too! I think that did most of the job. Don't give up :)
@aspidoscelis4 күн бұрын
I guess my feeling is that I was already a non-passing trans woman. Transitioning means letting other people _know_ I'm a non-passing trans woman. Also, I started at 42 and, while I wish I'd started earlier, young women get a *_lot_* more pressure to do all the sexy feminine gender performance. So, sure, "pretty young thing" is off the table, but "middle-aged cat lady" feels pretty achievable.
@aspidoscelis4 күн бұрын
And my life is just not very public at this point. It's not like I'm 20 years old and walking across a university campus every day. There are times in my life when the pressure to pass would've been dramatically higher...
@aspidoscelis4 күн бұрын
So in my daily life at the moment, I'm 9 months into HRT, I don't pass, and it isn't that big a deal. I'm also going slow with more overtly feminine gender expression. If I wear a dress to the supermarket, I'm going to stand out. But, like, half the other women my age are wearing pretty androgynous pants-and-a-tshirt kind of stuff. If I wear something like that, I don't think I look like a woman, but I also don't look like a man trying to look like a woman. I think I'm mostly coming off as androgynous but uninteresting. From cashiers and whoever, sometimes I'm getting "sir", sometimes I'm getting people who are like, "IDK, I'm just not going to use a gendered term", every now and then I'm getting "ma'am". Basically, I'm not passing but I don't think I'm giving "look, trans woman!" vibes, either.
@aspidoscelis4 күн бұрын
I guess my strategy is "don't try for a level of feminine gender expression I can't pull off yet". And it works OK because I'm not that public and my basic build & features were on the androgynous side to start with. Honestly, for how far into my transition I am, I'm pretty happy to be getting the occasional "ma'am". I think my odds of consistently passing in another 2-3 years are pretty good. I don't think I'll ever be that feminine but, again, lots of women my age aren't and that's fine.
@fruzz3 күн бұрын
I started hrt in 2013. I've almost never passed. Transitioning was 100% worth it. Enjoying life is more than what shitty people think of you, even if there's some implications in some situations (washroom use).
@Gabrielle-kw7xi5 күн бұрын
At this moment I'm 20 and just started hrt 2 months ago, for me the reason for starting even though it was something I though since being like 14 was because I overcome the fear of "being ugly" "looking like a men with a wig" since I realized that I was just being so hard on myself and I gained enough confident to have the mentality of f*ck the world I'm gonna be myself. And everything is going way better than I thought, my style is tomboyish but still womans clothes (not a dress kind of girl) and I have got people calling me miss on public, considering that my still need many sessions of laser hair removal, my hair is not that long (mullet about shoulder length), I'm tall 1.77 meters but like 1.80 with my platform converse (11 fem shoe size), am skinny so my "masculine" bone structure shows, not that harsh face features (even though planning on getting a nose job harmonize better my face) and well I'm being descriptive about myself so if there are some trans girly that is in a similar situation I want to tell you that things are going to be alright if you choose to be yourself, I learnt that you can look good without fully passing as for myself I love being tall like is giving super model and also my big hands when I do my nails and they look so fancy, so well for what is important is that I like myself and with time just hope hrt to do its thing and start liking myself each day more, also want to remark that I'm from Costa Rica a conservative country and I haven't received any mean comments or looks, considering that I have about 2 years living as a femenine boy (still but obviously I don't correct them if they call me miss) Also, incredibly the public healthcare is what offers me hrt and was so easy since I already had an appointment with a psychiatric and the best thing is that they offer injections and periodic control being from what I know the safest and better method
@voltijuice85765 күн бұрын
What confuses me is why anyone would have expectations about what people who they don’t even know would look like! Since my conception of gender is quite open, I assume anyone could be any gender. My own presentation would be considered androgynous to femme, and while from static images I mostly don’t pass, but I do surprisingly often based upon demeanor, style, confidences, etc. Through radical acceptance I’ve been able to work with my features and/or limitations and just have such a distinct presence that that is the focus instead of whatever I was born as. When I hear people asking each other what they think my gender is, the answers are like “I don’t know, but whatever they are is gorgeous” so I can’t complain! While most people I meet are supportive, when I run into tat few % who mock me, I just fix them with a skeptical gaze, like I’m thinking “Really, dude? I’m funny?” and they usually run away.
@obsidianjane44135 күн бұрын
Because other's concept of gender is very much NOT open. Even many transpeople are very binary in their perception of gender. You even see it expressed in this video.
@sophiepooks21745 күн бұрын
I am from a very conservative family, was brought up to fit in and please others, spent many years feeling shame for my looks, mannerisms and dysphoric feelings, soul searching, researching, wondering how others would take it and what they would think of me, if they would react violently, many already assumed I was gay anyway but straight acting. After years of secretly experimenting with makeup and clothing and the occasional nights out in drag with gay friends, it became obvious HRT wouldn't change certain physical attributes, shoulders, parts of my legs (Knees and ankles) are very masculine, however I also had very feminine features too, my face, big eyes, fine nose, small chin, curvy behind and wide hips, skinny arms and a soft gentle voice. I teased mercilessly for that too. I realized that if I was feminine enough to please me, I would be fine with that, as some females also have a mix of what society considers masculine and feminine features as well, so fine if I just passed as any kind of woman, even a classically unattractive woman. So finally decided to take a leap of faith and started HRT in my late 40's , 23 years ago knew I would likely never pass 99% as female even with surgery, it has been very rough at times, emotionally and physically, (have been physically assaulted 3 times by random groups of young men) but whenever I am feeling down I just pose in front of the mirror in my best underwear and smile euphorically, at how much I love what I see, and feel so much at peace with and proud of who I am unlike before transition. I have always stood out in a crowd no matter how hard I tried to fit in before transition and it only seemed to make things worse as haters gonna hate, can't please everyone and shouldn't try either. Well I still stand out in a the crowd only now I consider what randoms think about me is their business, not mine, if they misgender me I will smile at them giggle and move on, those who mind don't matter at all, those who don't mind are all I care about.
@vipersrt304 күн бұрын
to be honest i dont fully pass and i might never do, but every single piece of my dysphoria that is gone is a little less weight on my mental health. i've been having less episodes of "dysphoria panic??" and i've been feeling alot better in general. so, if i pass 50% i've improved my mental health by 50%. its a win even if its 1%. i am tired of feeling terrible all the time. now i barely feel that bad. i look pretty androgynous currently and that's kinda ok for now.
@Fae4Play3 күн бұрын
I didn't realize 60-30 was an option. I would like 60% passing, 30% not passing, 10% edlritch terror, please.
@pensive85525 күн бұрын
Your real super power isn't passing imo. It's understanding what's happening with a good and open heart. Your generous interpretations and clarity have clearly served you well, and the friction of daily life hasn't seemed to exhaust you. I can imagine being someone like you in society can be exhausting, and not everyone has the tool kit to mitigate that energy drain - I think that's a big part of passing imo, hiding from the energy vampires so you can just live is peace.
@michaelblack96323 күн бұрын
I started transitioning 14 months ago when i was 55. Initially, I was going to hide the effects of HRT and possibly not socially transition. I never really expected to pass, but for me, it was always about having the body. I didn't even care about the clothes. About 6 months into it, I decided to socially transition. I felt good about what changes I have experienced that I no longer wanted to hide it. I don't know if I really pass, and I am only mildly concerned about passing. The overall reduction in my depression has more than offset any social consequences that I may have incurred. Initially, I didn't even realize that I was suffering from dysphoria. It took me feeling better to make me realize how poorly I was living. I probably get less attention now well from strangers, at least because, pretransition I looked like a homeless person. I got pretty used to staring.
@nisagomez43665 күн бұрын
Honestly, I don't give crap about what other people think. So it isn't an issue for me. 🤷🏻♀️
@shanereynolds86513 күн бұрын
Its tough, but sometimes youve got to get out there and try. And dont depend on hormones even if youre f > m: for some people T does not do that much for you!! Its not a guarantee that youre going to get the facial/body hair youre expecting! My path worked out for me in the end, I somehow pass pretty consistently despite being very androgynous and Im starting my career later than my peers but not noticeably late I suppose, but omg I would not recommend just going for it to ANYONE. I did that and it was a stressful disaster. Set yourself up in life FIRST! You do NOT know how this is going to work out for you! Dont take the risk, wait until youre ready and can have the best time. Sort yourself until you can block out 2-4 years for your transition, and just get on with it sot hat the rest of your life can start.
@JPanicP5 күн бұрын
How would one know they wouldn’t pass? A giant jaw line? Being 10ft tall? A brow ridge that blocks out the sun like a visor? Out of all seriousness, is there some assessment somewhere? How would one know with certainty? All I ever hear is YMMV. Btw this is a serious question and not a jab at the video… I thought all your points were valid. Thanks for sharing ❤
@russianbear00275 күн бұрын
There really isn't a way to predict it. But as someone on reddit put it to me long ago "you may or may not end up an ugly woman, but you'll be a woman" Not very charitable and beauty standards are shit but succinct. Ie hormones will transform pretty much anyone given time. If you have any cis woman relatives you'll look similar to them eventually. Trying to get any more specific is a fools game. Passing is not a binary yes/no proposition either. The concept of it is also excluding of many nonbinary people but I suppose much of the world is as well. Age also doesn't matter as much as you might think. I know several people who transitioned in their 50s and they look like any other 60-70 year old woman. Personally I didn't give it much thought compared to my peers. And if you must conceal your identity for work or whatever cis people have blinders to the point that unless you tell them they won't notice the changes even when every store clerk is ma'aming you.
@JPanicP5 күн бұрын
@ ha! Wise words!
@pruttrpal4 күн бұрын
I won't post the link here, but do a search for Gender Affirming Face Analyzer. I've found it to be extremely helpful, and as the name says, "affirming".
@gwendolinegoetz92245 күн бұрын
I have a very successful transition without the absolute physical passing (too tall woman). Over the years, I got rid of the masculine secondary sexual characteristics and got feminine ones. The truth is that I pass 90% of the time and the rest doesn't matter to me. I have so many positive returns. I'm a hostess in public events without issues. I'm model. I do stripping burlesque. The point is my exceptional social passing. This is worth the gold. I'm in connection with the (cis) women around me. I'm considered as a woman even when they know that I'm a trans woman. I have so many positive anecdotes. For a very few negative ones.
@flyprincess695 күн бұрын
FFS/VFS was a game changer for me 🎉
@creedeerc5 сағат бұрын
I really wish the community could do a better job about unifying and lifting up each other because the passing / non-passing divide seems to be getting worse and worse. I understand why it happens - none of us want to be clocked and the more non-passing a trans woman is, the more it shines a spotlight on every other trans woman and that causes the community to turn on itself. However, I really wish we could find a way to collectively realize that the problem is the rest of the world making us feel that way instead of dividing our community. Biology is a really big obstacle for a lot of transitions, but the lack of female socialization is probably even more difficult to overcome. If you transition later in life, it's much more likely that you don't have any options for socializing with other women, and none of us can do this on our own. You have to learn how to pick the right clothing, how to do makeup, how to style and care for long hair, and that's before you even get to the much more difficult issues with social expectations and interactions with new people from a new gender identity. Watching KZbin videos simply isn't going to give you all of that, but for many trans women, that's the only option. So please, please, please lift each other up, give help whenever you can, and make life just a little bit easier for each other.
@Szymks5 күн бұрын
I'm a 17 year old trans girl 3 months on HRT and my goal right now is just to like myself. I have a weird relationship with my body currently where I both love it and hate it at the same time. I have moments where I look in the mirror and I think I'm pretty and I pass and then two hours later I will look in the mirror again only to be dissapointed because all my features I don't like are suddenly visible to me clearly (I don't even know if it's because of my mindset or did my looks actually change that much in 2 hours). It doesn't help that I'm still boymoding everyday, so I don't actually know how well I would pass if I stopped boymoding. In general this is all so complicated, I wish I could actually know how others perceive me and not just rely on my flawed senses. Voice training is also so difficult. I think I can get to an androgynous voice if I try but whenever I don't try my voice is so deep. I am envious of men who have a cute sounding voice naturally and only need minor adjustments to sound feminine. I try to train my voice everyday, but I don't even know if I'll ever sound as feminine as I want.
@ekkoreigns5 күн бұрын
I transitioned about 4 years ago. I feel I've gotten through most of the transition hurdles. My biggest suggestion is to find a friend who is biologically female and explain to her, "I need YOU to be my honest beacon of truth. I don't want validation. I need you to let me know what you see when it comes to passing, fashion, makeup, ECT." My journey has been filled with women who "taught me their ways". We are starting behind the 8 ball compared to a biological woman who had been taught all these things from a young age. Good luck on your journey. ♥️♥️♥️
@russianbear00275 күн бұрын
Congrats on your HRT. Liking your body one minute and being offput by it the next is pretty common. The features you don't like likely only stand out to you. You can have a trusted friend reassure you and teach you as the other commenter said. The most important bit is just being happy with your body and whatever comes next or at least content. Seems you have a good start Transition also takes a while. I'm 8ish years into hrt and still seeing minor changes.
@hampopper31505 күн бұрын
I haven't started a medical transition and I deal with schizophrenic paranoia with gender dysphoria. I try my best to recognize consciously that the paranoia is just a dysfunction in my brain and to not act out on those thoughts/feelings. I may have fixed my DID and the system that was there to deal with different things is now put together. Now I have to deal with all the problems at once and the paranoia and gender dysphoria is the worst. I am successfully stopping delusions which is good and means that my DID alters has stacked up nicely and are no longer creating their own delusions. I definitely noticing that I have a transgender brain that wants to subconsciously act out what other females do and it creates this constant state of dysphoria and paranoia. If I get my hands on HRT I would likely stop having issues but I have to make sure I am financially stable and can continue to work a job. My mom got kicked out by her boyfriend so now I have someone living with me but I know mommy is broke.
@JDUK713 күн бұрын
A great video with good advice, thank you!
@CoreSynth3 күн бұрын
I’m not gonna rant about passing being a toxic premise beyond being a personal goal. I get the point of this video, and it’s good to be aware, especially for us white trans girls who may not be used to constant adversity. But I would describe myself as faint of heart even post transition 😂 I’m gonna take a break from the internet. No where else do I hear people talk about clocky transwomen like we’re burn victims.
@Orion1261263 күн бұрын
Not passing is fine. But it always good to look your best. Any step taken to pass is a bonus.
@Piketom13 күн бұрын
I just came out this year and started transitioning at age 32. It's possible that I may never pass and that kept me from coming out, but I eventually reached a point where the alternative to coming out would have been far worse for me. The last few years leading up to me coming out were hell. I was dealing with depression, alcohol abuse, and other issues. Coming out and starting my transition was really what I needed to do and I don't think I'd have lived to age 40 if I stayed in the closet.
@Customfurball283 күн бұрын
It is not all about passing. Passing can help but transition isn't for others, it's for yourself. Your goal shouldn't be "to pass," but to be happier in your own skin. The concept of passing is so easy to get caught up on, and I strongly suggest not agonizing over "do I pass," because often times people, especially very dysphoric people, are going to see themselves as worse off than they actually are. There is no point where "it's over, it's too late for me," because if you are dysphoric, even if you don't end up looking like a supermodel, that is okay. It's about setting goals for what *you* want for *yourself* and what makes you feel better - even just a little bit - makes you feel better. You may feel like you may never pass, but if you look at yourself in the mirror after working your way to a goal you've set for yourself, comparing it to how you were at the start, things have improved and steps have been made, and the increase in your quality of life is already so worth it. Even if you do pass, you will still get most of the disadvantages of being trans with dating, politics, etc, these are a given, so the real thing to focus on is that you feel better with yourself. it may be hard, but if your life feels fuller, your efforts are not wasted. set goals small and see your change over time, setting a new goal then, and moving from there. little steps. transness is for the self, not others, and it is ones own experience with ones own life. i hope people who read this make their decision based on if their quality of life would be increased, not on passing, because passing isn't a fix all solution. At the end of the day, if you've gone as far as you can but still aren't "passing," you've still made progress towards becoming yourself, which is incredible. plus, people think of themselves as looking far worse than they actually do, you'll probably surprise yourself honestly, don't give up hope!
@JL-ph9ew45 минут бұрын
I don't pass at all as the tiniest cutest transman of all time, but I would do it again. People sometimes don't finish job interviews with me. They ask me to go, or they blatantly use the wrong pronouns. I lost family to do this, but I would do it again. I like me, and that's all that matters.
@MizzKenzi4 күн бұрын
I don't think I'll ever truly pass. It was one reason why I was so hesitant to start. My brain told me being an average guy was preferable to being an ugly girl. I got to the point where I had to, lest I do something stupid. I'm so glad I did. I get misgendered frequently, but not out of malice. Those interactions are just fine. Often someone else will lean over and say "her" and they'll correct themselves and move on. Perfect. Some folks stare daggers at me like I'm infected with zombie virus. Those are rare though I'm in a fairly accepting liberal area. People tend to reply with what gender they "see" but once they find out my intention and presentation is to be "she" and yes that goes against the facial bone structure they see and voice they hear - almost everyone knows to make an exception in their automatic gendering system to make me feel like a normal human being. I'm fairly early on though, and no spring chicken (40's) but every day I wake up I get to look in the mirror and love what I see looking back more and more. I can't wait for the next few years, there's still plenty of physical change left for my body to do. I was ready to live my life wearing wigs. Turns out I don't have to, but I was willing to. Best decision ever and the only thing I'd do if I could start life over would be to start transition earlier.
@ms.aelanwyr.ilaicos4 күн бұрын
People wonder why so many trans women express themselves as hyper fem. This is why: to signal their intentions
@INTJ_PJ4 күн бұрын
I have yet to play this video and I will in the future. It is always interesting the way people ask questions and how some wonder because yes passing is something that we all seek. However, even if I did not pass I would still transition even if it be just masculinization surgery because I do not feel right in my body when it comes to my chest. I do at times already pass which is cool, but having the breast removal and chest masculinized is a future action I will be taking. To me that is a form of freedom and I do believe I will pass more as to how I see myself, including how I feel about myself. I have also waited through cPTSD since I got forced into a form of gender conversion therapy as a child which they then did the other form because I also like females as a biological woman whos brain systems do not align to how my body was created. | Thank you for this video, I await to listen to your through on someone's question.
@naomipenelopemccarthy97373 күн бұрын
I'm 50 almost 51 and I started late because I didn't know how to. But I will never completely pass and when someone makes a comment like I'm a man. I've learned to just ignore them. It still hurts but lasing out will not be good either. Case and point a few years ago there was a video that went viral about a transwoman who flipped out at a GameStop. I don't want to look like that. I don't want my actions to effect how people see me and other trans people. So all I can do is ignore them. It still hurts but lasing out will just make things worse. I'm working on getting my transition surgeries. Because it will make me feel more female. I'm doing it for me. Not for them. Because I know I will never be able to fully pass. I've met a few people who didn't know and I only told them because we became friends. So I'm going to transition as much as I can. For me. Not for anyone else.
@Jessica-Bloom5 күн бұрын
Lovely video, Ive been privately dressing for like 5 years now! It's frustrating. Just not sure if I will be able to pass or not. xx
@normanicole47144 күн бұрын
100% yes. Passing is overrated. Being you and expressing yourself the way you want as opposed to hiding your heart and suffering, is a much better life
@Lira-j4g5 күн бұрын
Asian restaurants are great place to go in your early transition because many of them are very used to trans in asia
@ElenaDarlingg5 күн бұрын
I haven't heard this before, that's pretty interesting actually. :)
@Grace-c7m5 күн бұрын
I agree that when transitioning, that you should consider your chances of passing before starting and how important it is to you. I just started transitioning recently by starting laser hair removal last month and vocal training, and started HRT this past Sunday. Like you, I'm very lucky in the fact that I have a very feminine body type to begin with. I have a female hip to waist ratio, small hands, my shoulder width is the same as my hips, no visible Adam's apple, and a narrow face with small facial features. I do believe I have a high chance to pass like you do, but am going to wait and see how HRT works for me, because I still may need some FFS to pass 100% of the time. I have already set money aside for that if necessary. I do agree that this is my last option since beforehand, I spend the first half of my adulthood, so far, struggle with heroin and cocaine addiction, then the second half as a workaholic, but still finding myself breaking down about every week or two crying and begging God to make the dysphoria go away.
@deathguitarist125 күн бұрын
I think most people have a good chance of passing eventually. Hrt really does a lot more than people give it credit for.
@Grace-c7m5 күн бұрын
@deathguitarist12 I agree, I seen some before and after photos of trans women after being on HRT for a year or two and the difference was night and day. I'm not ever going to consider it until at least a year in, but will wait into about two years into transitioning.
@deathguitarist125 күн бұрын
@@Grace-c7m for me it happened somewhere in my 3rd year of HRT. Idk when exactly but the switch definitely happened.