Should you Transition if you won't pass?

[@The_Future_isnt_so_Bright]

Ive been transitioning in secret for the past 6 months. Just continue being you and doing what you do . See if people begin to notice, be patient. TELL NO ONE!!!! Think about this, when you are in a rush to do something, its the equivalent to creating a wake in a no wake zone ( no wake zone is where you let the boat idle or low throttle as to not create a large wave that will ripple through the docks damaging stuff.) When you are in a rush, that ripple will affect many other people by you driving like a madman, zipping in and out of traffic, and potentially crashing. Dont be forceful with this, just let it happen as it happens. As you start to notice changes, wear a little makeup from time to time. ease people into it. NEVER tell anyone what you are doing, show them the results instead, then they cant talk you out of it once you are on the way to being who you should be.

[@toffthegoblin7790]

I started transitioning this year at 32 and had to accept that I may never pass but that it's still worth doing. I lean into alt fashion a bit and at 6'2" I already stand out, the times I might have passed people thought I was a butch lesbian and told me as such once they caught on. Being in Texas has been tough but I'd rather be out and clockable so that I can meet cool people. I think my goal for right now is to be beautiful in my own way and not let dysphoria keep me down like it used to for so long.

[@badwolf1795]

I have always been depressed. I have no job or friends. I'm tired of people telling me how to act or be in life. I'm going to get help therapy for gender dysphoria. The more I repress and push away these feelings they come back stronger every time. I love your videos!

[@ElenaDarlingg]

I'm glad my videos can help you out, I hope therapy gives you the tools to improve your life. Take care and thanks for watching. :)

[@badwolf1795]

@@ElenaDarlingg Thank you.

[@skyevitiritti]

One of the pieces of advice that my trans mother (the woman who helped me when I was first transitioning) was to not worry about "passing". Passing is an arbitrary and objective standard. She said to focus on solving the dysphoria. As long as you put the effort into yourself first, the world will notice and will accommodate. It sounded like she was insane when I was younger but now it really was sage advice and I will say the same to anyone.

[@DscntnuousMgntic]

Okay, I have some thoughts. I appreciate you trying to tackle this subject, it is a really difficult one that brings up a lot of emotions, it isn't so easily answered. My story for context: grew up in a very abusive (in all the ways) household in the 80s, parents split, I got into a school on a full-ride for academic achievement but was on my own after that. I had absolutely no exposure to the concept of being transgender as a real thing, the only allusions I can remember are Dog Day Afternoon and Silence of the Lambs. Yikes. Homeless during my 20s, stayed away from drugs thankfully, put myself together in my 30s, developed an alcohol dependency but also became successful in my job, bought land and built a house before COVID, so now I own my home outright and am pretty set. As this was coming together for me, my body was showing signs of aging and masculinizing. I had been very skinny, relatively free of hair, feminine my whole life. The more settled I got, the more established as 'a man', the more depressed, the more alcoholic I got. I have everything but I don't care and want to die. I had never really considered, am I trans? until I knew about trans people truly, which for me probably happened around 2015. My immediate reaction at the time was: Oh I would have totally been trans, if I had been born 10 years later. Well, that's not how that works, is it? But repression is pernicious, so I really had crushed the idea out of my mind until I was planning to leave this world on a daily basis and couldn't function without drinking. Fortunately, I stopped before I hurt myself or anyone else and got into therapy. Some part of me knew what I was doing, because I had surrounded myself with a number of really wonderful trans friends and allies, I had always been extremely interested in trans people and trans rights, even if I couldn't acknowledge consciously what I was doing, some part of my mind was taking care of things. I needed it to be really really really really safe for me to be brave enough to admit it, exactly because of what you are saying Elena. I mean, trauma response too, but just knowing, okay, I know I need to be able to take care of myself and feel OK before I can do this. So I did it, I am fully out now for about 2 months, on HRT for 2 weeks. And I don't 'know' if I will pass with everyone all the time, but I think with enough effort I probably will, at least with most people most of the time. But I also do not give a fuck and have the luxury of feeling that way because of how I set my life up, and like you, it was simply not an option anymore. It was get sober and accept I am trans, or die. And after going through all that, I couldn't sleep at night knowing, but not living out as I dare. It is different if your life is in danger, it just is. But I think if you can, if you are not in danger, you should do your best. My only issue with your video, is the framing of your question: "If you KNOW you won't pass, should you do it?" How would you know? I have traveled the world and seen women of all shapes and sizes and degrees of attractiveness and ugliness, I think almost any trans woman could pass in most situations with sufficient effort (and maybe money, true), but that is besides the point. How would you know if you will or won't? I am asking because what I see in online spaces is young trans women, not like me, who are absolutely savagely judgemental upon themselves and others. I guess I'm just asking you to be very careful in considering what you mean by 'knowing you will pass' because I am guessing a large part of your audience might end up being younger trans people and unlike me, they may have very distorted views of their own attractiveness or just a lack of understanding of how much people change over time and how much the little details of being feminine, actions, phrasing, gestures, interests, clothes etc. build the picture of 'a woman' in people's minds. I think very much that young trans women are hyper-focused on their bodies, the appearance of their face (how could they not be?) but they apply a disproportionate and unrealistic level of judgement to themselves. So, you may think you won't pass, but you might. And you might think you need to in order to do it, but then again, you might start down the road and find after a year or two, that you are very happy anyway and don't care after all if some one douche bag misgenders you sometime. Anyways, I appreciate your efforts in making videos, I hope you continue to make them! Sorry for writing a novel in your comments, but I think you can make a really good channel and you motivated me to respond.

[@AngelTail]

oh thank you for sharing insights and empathy with many of our siblings all over the world as well as cis women, trans women and persons of different beings, DscntnuousMgntic-sensei! Moi hopes that you have a group of people, a collective or a community, who'd support ya and help ya! Moi's also thought that trans rights... no, TRANS LIBERATION, isn't just about empowering oneself; it's also about empowering each other as people sharing the same oppression.... mixing personal liberation with collective liberation! All the best and love! Don't worry! 'felt and picked up and related with a lot of the points you said, esp: _My only issue with your video, is the framing of your question: "If you KNOW you won't pass, should you do it?" How would you know? I have traveled the world and seen women of all shapes and sizes and degrees of attractiveness and ugliness, I think almost any trans woman could pass in most situations with sufficient effort (and maybe money, true), but that is besides the point. How would you know if you will or won't? I am asking because what I see in online spaces is young trans women, not like me, who are absolutely savagely judgemental upon themselves and others._ Being a brown Asian trans person in the islands of the Philippines, many of us are slotted into the _bakla_ category (basically a broad term [also used as a slur against trans and queer folk here but is also being reclaimed as well), meaning I am perceived by others as a guy but since Philippine society does historically and culturaly acknowledge that there are people perceived as men but "may pusong babae" (having the heart of a woman = having long hair, wearing makeup, behaving in how society perceives as feminine ["mahinihin", as in gentle in moving physically and when interacting socially, ladylike, soft in one's gestures and approaches), so a trans Pinay is just slotted into this third-gender category if she doesn't pass. For my trans sisters who do pass in terms of looks and behavior, they're idolized and admired... moi feels it's an echo of how gender-nonconforming (and most likely trans women) people in precolonial Philippines were noted to have assumed the roles of shamans, priestesses, healers, intermediaries of the spirit/nature world and the living world, in precolonial Philippines, before the advent of colonialism? Yet legally, we trans folks are not recognized: no self-ID here, no gender-affirming care... actually, no healthcare for poor working-class peoples regardless of gender... Moi can only hope that many of us from the Global South to there in the Global North realize that our personal transitions and liberations can never be truly meaningful and complete without collective transition and liberation in the groups we live in... so it's really, really important (and moi's trying moi hardest to do mai best even though moi doesn't have any money at all to even begin mai transition, so I'm into growing moi hair long, connecting with my listening-femininity, sharing and caring, trying to connect with people in Palestine and figuring out ways to help them reach out to more people as they struggle under occupation and oppression... so basically being a carer, moi feels, is moi gender journey path, if that makes sense?) _Walang malaya kung di lahat ay malaya._ (No one's free until everyone is.) Right? _Para sa lahat ng ating paglaya!_ Sorry for the looong post, too, and 'wishing Elena-sensei and siblings well... and that may we connect all our struggles together with different oppressed peoples and act! 🏳‍⚧✊🏽🍉

[@NotJavi01]

I was one of those people who just tried to cope with dysphoria and live my life as best I could. But it started getting worse as years passed. Just started transitioning a month ago at 30, I know I probably won't ever pass but fuck it, the alternative was, as you said, "hell on earth". Just being on E already has made me feel more mentally calm, and at peace with myself.

[@ElenaDarlingg]

I hope things continue to look up for you, take care of yourself. :)

[@NotJavi01]

@@ElenaDarlingg Thank you so much Elena, and thank you for your content ♥

[@nat.unbreakable]

I'm a clearly non-passing middle-aged trans person. This video was really nice, thanks. Where I live people sometime come a cross as over-anxious to prove their allyship or acceptance. Passing would definitely be welcomed but I'm working on accepting it as it is, and I think I might be able to call the transition a success. Thanks for giving me that language, I haven't thought of it like that before.

[@Jenny-bi1ey]

I have a friend who actually chooses not to pass. She's completely cis tier in looks but, she's made the conscious decision not to voice train. She doesn't have a super deep voice and talk like a bro or anything but her voice is obviously male in tone. I asked her if she would ever voice train because she could easily go stealth if she wanted and she flatly told me no, I like my voice and I'm proud to be trans and I want people to see that we're around. Her life is more difficult for it, people stare, say ignorant shit, she doesn't really use public restrooms unless its urgent, and has faced plenty of discrimination but she soldiers on undeterred. She inspires me, tbh. I'm 11 years HRT and stealth for the last 6 and I have stood back and listened to people at work and other places say horrible ignorant shit about trans people while I stood by and said nothing feeling like an absolute coward.

[@ronefilia]

Honestly, I was afraid to start the transition for many years because I was afraid of not passing, but I couldn't take it anymore mentally and my dysphoria became more and more unbearable. Now I'm stealth transitioning and I'm having the greatest time of my life because my body is finally working on the right chemistry. Just waiting for feedback from my friends that I'm passing enough so I can go out in public, and even if that won't happen, I no longer care coz I'm already as happiest as I can be.

[@crystalvulpine2314]

Happiness itself is primarily genetic. You are able to be happy despite having a s**t deal in life, that is a priceless gift. Some of us can't be satisfied no matter what, just doomed to eternal misery.

[@nuxxy_]

​@@crystalvulpine2314 and then we listen to poppy go screemo

[@nuxxy_]

thats pretty cool. i think a lot of us let it linger for a long time bc of all the many fears that adressing it brings up.

[@ronefilia]

I was so miserable for my entire life and were in very dark places, that I never thought I can ever be happy, but fortunately I was wrong tho :D

[@MoonStone2626]

@crystalvulpine2314 Ok, but... really happiness is NOT genetic. It has to do with how the mind works and adapts and grows ....with whatever challenges we have!

[@LadyDiana1956]

I agree 100%. I transitioned 50 years ago and put it all behind me , never ever talked about with anybody, even if they knew because everyone wanted to forget that I was Transsexual. That comes from not only looking convincing but having the natural female essence, only Transsexuals have that.

[@NatsWright]

I feel a big part of passing is vocal training. You get a lot of trans women who look amazing, but as soon as they speak, you immediately know! I pass 90% of the time, and generally forget i'm trans. Occasionally a youth may make a comment under their breath, but you can tell when folks have clocked you, and when they have not. I've trained my voice too, and think that really helps when folks maybe are not sure! If someone is curious and does notice, I just answer any questions they may have!

[@nuxxy_]

unfortunatley that is locked behind working with people and people kinda forget a lot of people on the down and out arent gonna be able to work toward that type of progress bc that sometimes requires a peace with the self and maybe hormones first for some which is why there are some that lag way behind on it even tho its what they want.

[@banillivanilli]

i will say that ever since voice training and having something immaculate to work off of, i mostly pass these days specifically _because_ of my voice, because i'm not adhering to traditionally feminine aesthetics, and still get hit on a lot when i'm boymoding. it's for sure an interesting experience to get ma'am 98% of the time, 100% (so far) if they hear my femme voice first. i never get people confronting me about it, because they just kind of know and respect that i look a lil different, and i remember my gf pulling me into the underwear isle in walmart to "chaperone" her, because i passed more than her and shielded her from discrimination lmao

[@NatsWright]

@@banillivanilli oh, forgive my ignorance, but what's "boymoding"?

[@deathguitarist12]

This was me until recently. Shouldn't have taken me 7 years to start it and until the 8th year to finish but I'm Soo glad it's done. Passing is so much easier now. I was already physically passing for the most part.

[@russianbear0027]

​@@NatsWright boymoding is slang among trans fem folk for presenting in a masculine way, often with the intention of hiding your transness. For example you might wear a mans suit and tie and not wear any femme accessories for a corporate job. Like a lot of slang its fairly context dependent and exact definitions vary from person to person

[@Tanbris]

Two years HRT(MtF) so far and glad that I have decided on this path. I am 41, a life of making others happy at the cost of my own had me start much later and while I may not get the best results I am still happy with my decision. I do get misgendered often and it is mainly due to my voice, it is a deep voice but soft and I have been doing some early voice training but it has been very difficult learn/train. My looks are pretty androgynous imo, my friend refers to me as her amazon tells me I pass visually way better than I think I do. I feel like if I can train my voice to a likeable state then I won't have much issue and I will definitely be happier with the pay off.

[@Kelly-tt9le]

The one person who doesn't think I pass is my reflection in the mirror. In the wild, I'm seen, regarded, and treated as a woman, if which I am grateful,.... perplexed, but greatful.

[@ElenaDarlingg]

We are always going to be our own worst critic.

[@picorosita]

Back in my 20s I started HRT and adopted an androgynous presentation. I actually didn't know if things would work well for me but I wanted to try and see for myself. I paid attention to my movements, my voice and my presentation and eventually I started to receive reciprocity with strangers, the phone, etc. It was a time of anxiety but it was also fun and exhilarating to find out that social transition was possible for me (even though I wasnt out to my family). I didnt mean to be perceived as a feminine guy but perceived as a androgynous woman. Once that became achievable, that is when I realized i could push the boundary and jump ahead with transitioning. I am in a point in my life that i dont care i pass or not but i could see it wouldve been tough if i didnt back when i was younger when my self esteem was hanging by a thread on a field of broken glass. Imo, one year into HRT and some social experimentation out there in public is a valuable tool to help a trans person determine if they are ready to fully commit but it is definitley a very personal decision at the end of the day.

[@nesomnia]

I'm in my 40s, and didn't finally come to terms with being trans until I was 41ish. I agonized over medically transitioning for a year, and then decided to go for it. If I could make that choice again, I would not medically transition. There was a brief moment where I was happy because I was hopeful, but now approaching 5 years on HRT and nothing being different has been devastating. I could have had this identical outcome but with a lot more money in my bank account if I had not started HRT. My life is now significantly worse. I know, we should all accept what has been and look forward to good things in the future, but I'm at a point where I don't see anything in the future. I don't feel like good things will ever happen again. I don't want to be a downer but it's super super SUPER important, particularly if you're older, to have a strong social support network in case things go badly. I didn't have many close friends, and lost my family when I came out to them. Be sure you can still look at yourself in the mirror and say "yes, this is good" regardless of the outcome.

[@MiharuHiramu]

I'm sorry to hear this and hope things turn out better for you. It's unfair that some people in the community push people to transition as if it fixes all problems and hrt works like magic. This is why this channel is good that it is more grounded in reality. Hang in there!

[@TekkatV2]

I'm honestly very lucky I pass. I was surprised with how fast I started passing, around the 6th month it started being very consistent. I wish the best to all the people who are struggling with the early stages and don't fully pass yet, it'll get better. Please don't lose hope.

[@senna3]

I would simplify this to a simple question "Even if I don't pass, would I be happier transitioning or living in my natal gender?" I answered that I was happier transitioning 3 years ago and haven't looked back.

[@AS-Val-Gijinka]

I pass but I'm still working on the self-acceptance part. It's hard. I never wanted to live like this but exhausted every other option - my brain simply doesn't run right without estrogen, and staying in deep depression is no way to live. Life's better now but I still wish I wasn't like this.

[@ElenaDarlingg]

If you can, think of how you'd treat your best friend if they were in your shoes and feed yourself the advice and care you'd feed to them. Hope things improve. Thanks for watching.

[@atarisidequest]

I knew I'd never pass but I'm transitioning anway. It has it's own challenges but also I feel authentic for the first time in my life. It has allowed me to identify and reject a lot of internalised misogyny and recognise trauma induced behaviours, giving me a focus for healing. On the other hand some struggles have increased: I always hated my body and facial hair but now that I'm presenting as feminine in public the hatred of it is almost overwhelming. Same with my weight. I've gained so much weight and even though my body is changing in all the right ways I can't wear much of the clothing that I bought to look and feel pretty in. I've always had issues with body image so this has become more complex but it's not unfamiliar. Public perception has been really encouraging, actually. For every negative comment I've had 10 positive ones, but I live in Australia so that's a pretty important detail. The further I get into my transition the more I find myself smiling in the mirror. Things like how my hair is now decidedly feminine after a year of growing it out from a mohawk, or how nicely I've shaped my eyebrows, or at the breast tissue growth progress. I find myself satisfied at the way skirts sit high on my waist as more fat transfers to my hips. Of course I have waves of severe dysphoria that have also intesified: it's not fun when I perceive "a middle aged male trying to be a woman" staring back at me. It seems that every single emotion is 10x the intensity. And being in my 40's, learning hair and make up is a slow, expensive and laborious process. It doesn't come naturally, you have to seek out informaton on how to do these things; after all I didn't get to experiment and talk about all this with my girlfriends growing up. But the process is fine and the satisfaction when nailing a style is real. So, should I have transitioned despite knowing I'll never pass? Absolutely and I don't regret it at all. I'll get to live out the later part of life as my authentic self and for me that is everything.

[@NovaLuster]

I have observed that however a trans person decides to live their own lives the common belief that they can all be put in a single category is false. Trans people represent millions of people going in a million different directions. We all need to be humans and treat and be treated with basic respect, regardless of our physical image.

[@stasacab]

Decades ago a colleague started talking to me about an island in Thailand full of transvestites. I said that for us westerners some oriental habits may look strange. Passing is everything. Everything went down the tubes when I did not pass and then I did no longer even have money for expensive cosmetic surgeries. The stress of it all made my body ill, like I have hypothyroidism and fibromyalgia. Those are like 24/7 -diseases, you have to model your life around them. Stress kills, so you have to make a life that is not stressful. I was told that eventually hormones make you passable. Well, now I pass most of the time, even though I doubt it. I think people are just being nice. 27 years of hormones. Most of it is confidence, all those lived years of being an ugly woman. But is life easy or should it even be easy.

[@KymGedinski-wp6iv]

So so SO Happy to have found your channel, love your headspace, so awesome to hear from a level headed human out here sharing valuable insights for life

[@princessjulieta]

I enjoy your videos. I do enjoy the acknowledgement and the affirmations with people treating me seeing me and thinking of me as a woman. I don't pass 100% and being pre medical and pre hair removal with incomplete voice training will do that to you. But I am happy.

[@MoonStone2626]

Hello ! Thanks again Elena for your clear headed and sensitive delivery! Yes, I dont pass. My face tells it all. I am early in this awareness of transness, so its normal. Normal but tough. I am also older so god knows how HRT will help if it would help at all. But I am trans. So self acceptance, which you stress, is crucial. And has to be faced from all angles possible. After all we've come to this planet with a purpose. And the challenge is there. And we need our intelligence and open heart to face it all. SO be it. Face it. We could be handicapped or with born with no legs, or blind or whatever. The challenge is there and its our human condition, so lets make the best of it ;) Thank you Elena for sharing ;)

[@Rozzia]

Oh girl this video is absolutely genius. Really helped me with so many topics. Thanks a lot ❤❤❤

[@transneptunianmarcy]

I think I was more afraid than I should've, sometimes it can be bad, and i thought I wouldn't be able to deal with it, but you also get stronger, so anyone reading this, good luck with your choice 😊 just don't let fear get in the way of your life

[@WhitneyMallett-tw4fy]

I started living authentically at 52.6yo. I enjoyed passing privilege not long after this, but I don’t pass all the time.. I think it’s all about confidence. I started feminizing HRT about 3.5 months later. I haven’t had any surgeries and haven’t done voice training. One thing I’ve learnt in my 2.5 years is that other people will see you how they choose to see you. I couldn’t be bothered correcting people who misgender me any more. I look at myself in the mirror and smile almost every time and that’s all that matters to me. As a note, I was told that I had androgynous body and voice about 7 days into my social transition.

[@Completely-Hatstand]

Beautiful 😁

[@joannelouiserodriguez5966]

I haven't focused on passing I sadly had to transition as I couldn't stay who I was born with my dystopia has gotten less now I am transitioning I am happy as I am weather I pass or not I am fine with it 😊❤

[@LadyDiana1956]

I think you are lovely dear so if you have that feminine essence to go with your looks I think you got this!

[@santos-pink-867]

Just one thing: Almost 100% Everyone is able to pass. That just envolves a lot more. Whether you pass naturally, with estrogen, with makeup, with filler or even surgeries. You may need to have surgeries, but u can still pass. It’s unfortunate how expensive that is. But that’s how life works, unfortunately we’re not all lucky. But that said, to some degree, everyone can pass.

[@tristantheoofer2]

yeah. i know someone whos a trans girlie with klinefelters and all she needs is a bit of voice training and longer hair. for me, i need hrt, laser hair removal, voice training and a fuckingn wig (gonna get a good one) cus my shitty ass hair :c

[@nuxxy_]

nice oxymoron of almost 100% i guess. thats a different set of choices all together not the im starting to pass or not the i would cut off my limb choice, am i trusting this guys to cut off my limb do i have the money to do so. you dont start there so why is that the focus?

[@santos-pink-867]

@@tristantheoofer2 I also definitely need a lot of those too, it's just life haha

[@tristantheoofer2]

@@santos-pink-867 hehe yeah

[@santos-pink-867]

@@nuxxy_ I get ur point. I just meant that there are a lot of "fixes" for "not passing". It's not a sure thing u won't.

[@Robin-lq7oz]

not passing is one of my biggest fears but i started HRT just before i turned 16 and now i’m almost 5 months in! this video gave me a much needed reminder that i may never pass thank you so much for the video

[@Gabrielle-kw7xi]

very few trans people have the privilege to start at that age, I guarantee you that your body will prosees HRT so well since you haven't even finished your puberty, if you focus your energy on stupid little thing that any of external people are looking then you are going to experience a lot of unnecessary frustrations when I have no doubts you will be looking good (if not that already)

[@Lira-j4g]

Asian restaurants are great place to go in your early transition because many of them are very used to trans in asia

[@ElenaDarlingg]

I haven't heard this before, that's pretty interesting actually. :)

[@QueenBee-dj4wv]

Elena, you are the most down to earth trans woman on KZbin. I'm cisgender and this video made me tear up. I'm sorry you have gone through so much pain in your life. I think you are intelligent, strong and very charming. I would be blessed to have you as a friend. I also think that it's so badass that you ride a motorcycle. ❤😊❤

[@annaquadro802]

Thank you for this video! This is the first time that someone says not to transition is a viable choice as well even if you know full well what you are. It is true and I respect that choice too. There is a lot of presure to conform either way. Pick your poisen I guess. But there is always hope for the future.

[@Gabrielle-kw7xi]

At this moment I'm 20 and just started hrt 2 months ago, for me the reason for starting even though it was something I though since being like 14 was because I overcome the fear of "being ugly" "looking like a men with a wig" since I realized that I was just being so hard on myself and I gained enough confident to have the mentality of f*ck the world I'm gonna be myself. And everything is going way better than I thought, my style is tomboyish but still womans clothes (not a dress kind of girl) and I have got people calling me miss on public, considering that my still need many sessions of laser hair removal, my hair is not that long (mullet about shoulder length), I'm tall 1.77 meters but like 1.80 with my platform converse (11 fem shoe size), am skinny so my "masculine" bone structure shows, not that harsh face features (even though planning on getting a nose job harmonize better my face) and well I'm being descriptive about myself so if there are some trans girly that is in a similar situation I want to tell you that things are going to be alright if you choose to be yourself, I learnt that you can look good without fully passing as for myself I love being tall like is giving super model and also my big hands when I do my nails and they look so fancy, so well for what is important is that I like myself and with time just hope hrt to do its thing and start liking myself each day more, also want to remark that I'm from Costa Rica a conservative country and I haven't received any mean comments or looks, considering that I have about 2 years living as a femenine boy (still but obviously I don't correct them if they call me miss) Also, incredibly the public healthcare is what offers me hrt and was so easy since I already had an appointment with a psychiatric and the best thing is that they offer injections and periodic control being from what I know the safest and better method

[@Szymks]

I'm a 17 year old trans girl 3 months on HRT and my goal right now is just to like myself. I have a weird relationship with my body currently where I both love it and hate it at the same time. I have moments where I look in the mirror and I think I'm pretty and I pass and then two hours later I will look in the mirror again only to be dissapointed because all my features I don't like are suddenly visible to me clearly (I don't even know if it's because of my mindset or did my looks actually change that much in 2 hours). It doesn't help that I'm still boymoding everyday, so I don't actually know how well I would pass if I stopped boymoding. In general this is all so complicated, I wish I could actually know how others perceive me and not just rely on my flawed senses. Voice training is also so difficult. I think I can get to an androgynous voice if I try but whenever I don't try my voice is so deep. I am envious of men who have a cute sounding voice naturally and only need minor adjustments to sound feminine. I try to train my voice everyday, but I don't even know if I'll ever sound as feminine as I want.

[@ekkoreigns]

I transitioned about 4 years ago. I feel I've gotten through most of the transition hurdles. My biggest suggestion is to find a friend who is biologically female and explain to her, "I need YOU to be my honest beacon of truth. I don't want validation. I need you to let me know what you see when it comes to passing, fashion, makeup, ECT." My journey has been filled with women who "taught me their ways". We are starting behind the 8 ball compared to a biological woman who had been taught all these things from a young age. Good luck on your journey. ♥️♥️♥️

[@russianbear0027]

Congrats on your HRT. Liking your body one minute and being offput by it the next is pretty common. The features you don't like likely only stand out to you. You can have a trusted friend reassure you and teach you as the other commenter said. The most important bit is just being happy with your body and whatever comes next or at least content. Seems you have a good start Transition also takes a while. I'm 8ish years into hrt and still seeing minor changes.

[@Completely-Hatstand]

FTA. This is a good one. My take is that we owe it to ourselves to live as authentic lives as we can. Thinking back and it has been a while, the first couple of years had some rough spots, either because of internal or external infuences but I kept my job and most of my friends including a couple who knew me at school. Oestrogen is a wonderful thing, you can lose some height, your hands and feet can shrink. I was almost 5'10", now under 5'8" fracturing vertebrae flipping my bike last year helped though not recommended 😂😂. My face is natural with just oestrogen enhancing. I've weighed like 65kg forever. I know where my bad bits are and the rest is mostly liveable with. I will talk to people about my trans experience and when I don't feel like it I just say 'that's so last Century darling, lets talk about something interesting', so I guess I do deflect a bit by drawing attention to my 'large hands' when in actuality they're smaller than lots of my girl friends etc. Like Elena I got to a stage where I knew a pine box was my immediate future and just said to myself 'f**k it I'll just be me, I can always 'off myself' next week. Then 1 week became 2, then a month, then 2, then it was a year, then 2, then my manager at work gave me a 10th anniversary card. Now hrt for almost 34 years. The Completely Hatstand moniker I use is from a character in 'Viz' magazine and basically reflects that it helps if you are 'totally bonkers' being Trans, cos no-one would choose this experience on a whim. Just live the best lives you can with as much grace and understanding for each other. Virtual hugs C-H Lady biker and trans woman.

[@ElenaDarlingg]

Glad life is treating you well.

[@Completely-Hatstand]

@ElenaDarlingg No probs, I like what you have to say as you keep it real. 😉 I find it funny that in making my 'For The Algorithm' comments I've probably shared more of my story to a random world, than ever before.😂😂😂. Being 100% honest the only thing that has held me back is my total lack of self confidence, I've been that way since childhood but when I say this to people they just look at me completely askance. I then point out that self confidence and with this body I would've been such a sl*t that you wouldn't have liked me 🤣🤣🤣 being older now I realise how much value there is in being respected and liked for simply being me. ❤❤

[@silversmith333]

Yeah it blows, passing is not just for swag, it’s also for ur safety. Ppl are crazy when they don’t understand their feelings

[@gwendolinegoetz9224]

I have a very successful transition without the absolute physical passing (too tall woman). Over the years, I got rid of the masculine secondary sexual characteristics and got feminine ones. The truth is that I pass 90% of the time and the rest doesn't matter to me. I have so many positive returns. I'm a hostess in public events without issues. I'm model. I do stripping burlesque. The point is my exceptional social passing. This is worth the gold. I'm in connection with the (cis) women around me. I'm considered as a woman even when they know that I'm a trans woman. I have so many positive anecdotes. For a very few negative ones.

[@flyprincess69]

FFS/VFS was a game changer for me 🎉

[@Jessica-Bloom]

Lovely video, Ive been privately dressing for like 5 years now! It's frustrating. Just not sure if I will be able to pass or not. xx

[@MiharuHiramu]

I started hrt when i was 23. Now I'm 39 and aging is a thing, it creeps slowly after 35 and along with it you might not pass as well as when you were young and beautiful. It's just something to remember and accept as part of life!

[@nisagomez4366]

Honestly, I don't give crap about what other people think. So it isn't an issue for me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@GhostwalkerSparrow]

I dunno if I’m trans or not. Sometimes I feel like I am, but idk sometimes. It’s not that it feels uncomfortable in my body (mostly) but sometimes I just feel like I’m not right? Idk

[@cliffcoyle9448]

I'd be disappointed if I passed. I wanna be the center everywhere I go. I don't need to fit a gender role. I am fabulous!

[@kenzie-chan5602]

You want attention because you’re trans?

[@voltijuice8576]

What confuses me is why anyone would have expectations about what people who they don’t even know would look like! Since my conception of gender is quite open, I assume anyone could be any gender. My own presentation would be considered androgynous to femme, and while from static images I mostly don’t pass, but I do surprisingly often based upon demeanor, style, confidences, etc. Through radical acceptance I’ve been able to work with my features and/or limitations and just have such a distinct presence that that is the focus instead of whatever I was born as. When I hear people asking each other what they think my gender is, the answers are like “I don’t know, but whatever they are is gorgeous” so I can’t complain! While most people I meet are supportive, when I run into tat few % who mock me, I just fix them with a skeptical gaze, like I’m thinking “Really, dude? I’m funny?” and they usually run away.

[@Grace-c7m]

I agree that when transitioning, that you should consider your chances of passing before starting and how important it is to you. I just started transitioning recently by starting laser hair removal last month and vocal training, and started HRT this past Sunday. Like you, I'm very lucky in the fact that I have a very feminine body type to begin with. I have a female hip to waist ratio, small hands, my shoulder width is the same as my hips, no visible Adam's apple, and a narrow face with small facial features. I do believe I have a high chance to pass like you do, but am going to wait and see how HRT works for me, because I still may need some FFS to pass 100% of the time. I have already set money aside for that if necessary. I do agree that this is my last option since beforehand, I spend the first half of my adulthood, so far, struggle with heroin and cocaine addiction, then the second half as a workaholic, but still finding myself breaking down about every week or two crying and begging God to make the dysphoria go away.

[@deathguitarist12]

I think most people have a good chance of passing eventually. Hrt really does a lot more than people give it credit for.

[@Grace-c7m]

@deathguitarist12 I agree, I seen some before and after photos of trans women after being on HRT for a year or two and the difference was night and day. I'm not ever going to consider it until at least a year in, but will wait into about two years into transitioning.

[@deathguitarist12]

@@Grace-c7m for me it happened somewhere in my 3rd year of HRT. Idk when exactly but the switch definitely happened.

[@bokehintheussr5033]

I've never encountered a trans person who could truly "pass". if I was aware they had transitioned, I would be able to tell, not just because they'd told me, but because I would be able to tell from their features and mannerisms etc that they were not fully biologically female or male. If I wasn't aware that they'd transitioned, I would only NOT notice because I wasn't paying them close attention, and if I was unaware and paid close attention, I can say with about 90% certainty that I'd eventually notice. I think this idea of "passing" is an admission that you're not really what you want people to perceive you as being. It also suggests a psychologically unhealthy preoccupation with identifying yourself according to how others perceive you, which is never psychologically healthy in my opinion. I feel that anyone is entitled to internally identify however they want to identify, and if they can do that without caring whether other people see externally, that commands my utmost respect. As a cis male, I think what alienates the lay person against trans people is when they feel that their perception is being coerced, and they're being forced to perceive on the outside, what the trans person feels on the inside. This idea of "Passing" suggest that trans people experience some cognitive dissonance between who they want people to believe they are, and what they know to be authentically true about themselves.

[@JPanicP]

How would one know they wouldn’t pass? A giant jaw line? Being 10ft tall? A brow ridge that blocks out the sun like a visor? Out of all seriousness, is there some assessment somewhere? How would one know with certainty? All I ever hear is YMMV. Btw this is a serious question and not a jab at the video… I thought all your points were valid. Thanks for sharing ❤

[@russianbear0027]

There really isn't a way to predict it. But as someone on reddit put it to me long ago "you may or may not end up an ugly woman, but you'll be a woman" Not very charitable and beauty standards are shit but succinct. Ie hormones will transform pretty much anyone given time. If you have any cis woman relatives you'll look similar to them eventually. Trying to get any more specific is a fools game. Passing is not a binary yes/no proposition either. The concept of it is also excluding of many nonbinary people but I suppose much of the world is as well. Age also doesn't matter as much as you might think. I know several people who transitioned in their 50s and they look like any other 60-70 year old woman. Personally I didn't give it much thought compared to my peers. And if you must conceal your identity for work or whatever cis people have blinders to the point that unless you tell them they won't notice the changes even when every store clerk is ma'aming you.

[@JPanicP]

@ ha! Wise words!

[@dimitrisgouv2554]

Hey there, can you please make a video on voice training and how you got through it? I feel like you have a nice natural feminine sounding voice, without it being overly high pitched which is my biggest hurdle. I can do a feminine voice, but it ends up being high pitched, almost teen-sounding. Thank you for your content ❤❤

[@sadisynn9836]

I passed more at 28 than I do at 68. FFS gets more appealing every day.

[@crystalvulpine2314]

The harsh truth is pretty much no mtf has any chance of passing. And even those who do only do by outward appearance; internally we still have to deal with most of the masculinization. It really sucks that biology only supports the ftm direction, but it's reality and we shouldn't get our hopes up. Unfortunately life is a crap shoot and there just isn't much hope for some people, despite the positivity and victim blaming you hear from everyone. I lost the genetic lottery in areas that are very important to me and will have to suffer from it forever and ever and ever, with zero chance of relief.

[@dr-ozone]

Have you had FFS?

[@sophiagwen]

Oh sweet summer child. 18 months in, started at 41. All the 20-somethings say the same thing, "transition is the hardest thing you'll ever do", it's adorable. I'm 190cm, I'll likely never pass. Spend a few more decades wearing a guy mask and you'll find out the truth. "Life will be harder" lol. Life has never been easier since starting HRT.

[@OmerMD]

I really like your channel name it's so cute to say

[@MilsAddams]

I am new into my journey, one month hrt. I personally don't feel like i will pass and still boy moding every day. I am going for a more androgynous look. Therefore, i can work on myself without standing out too much. Passing is the dream but I'm 6'3, the world is a cruel place and got to compromise to get on unfortunately. I did get a kilt to go out in because it's not a skirt 😉

[@EverCreateStudio]

i never think of myself as someone with a tattoo on my neck either. yes, you pass by the way. yeah the mind can be the worst place.

[@nuxxy_]

eh actually a good faith video hey thats cool. i feel like people who transitioned young always start with the social stuff so it feels like their are different lines of reasoning depending on when we all found out this is something we can do. the social shit is depressing but somepeople can stand that, the muscle shit and the skin shit is another thing entirely and where i start.... i have to work and what not, so i would say its effect is first and formost to soften the skin releave some of that muscle and skin tension. idk why so many people on this topic start with the external.

[@pennyandrews3292]

I honestly have just started getting serious about my transition. For a long time, I was just... so embarrassed at the idea of being part of the trans community, and didn't like the idea of having my circle of friends limited to... well, those who accept trans people, because I might disagree with them on other issues. I'm politically moderate, not exactly far left, and it felt like there might not be a place for me in the trans community in the 2010s, unless I pretended to be someone I'm not in terms of values. But it's like... now I'm seeing people like you who feel more like me, who are more reasonable and normal despite being trans... I guess it just feels wrong to be totally in the closet and let the weird ones speak for all of us who feel like this, you know what I mean? It's like, I would sometimes try to talk about this stuff without admitting I felt like a girl inside, and people would tell me to cite the experiences of actual transwomen, or not understand why I cared so much, basically it was like there was so much I couldn't say about what I'd been through... and then finally I just decided I had to let myself be trans and tell people how I identified so I could speak freely and have people understand where I'm coming from. Kind of weird that I wound up starting to socially transition just because I wanted to talk about my feelings, but there you go... that's pretty much what happened.

[@CG-yh6js]

Elena please do something about sound volume!

[@lilliancontessa-she-her]

I went from being an ostracized pariah male to an ostracized pariah trans woman. I really don’t know what to say or think further?

[@nuxxy_]

JOIN US POSTHUMAN GOTHS ON THE OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY OOOOOOOOOOOO

[@MBMephisto]

I've been living with dysphoria all my life and just hiding it. i've been scared to tell how i really felt. My dysphoria got really bad last year and i told my mum about it, the most horrible nerve wracking experience ever. But i'm still scared to tell anyone else. But i just want to start hrt already, doesn't help being autistic :(

[@deathguitarist12]

I didnt expect to ever pass when i started transitioning. I was ok with that because I needed the dysphoria relief. Now after 8 years social and 3 years hrt i do physically but it really snuck up on me hard. I thought id have to have ffs for it to happen. Im still going to get ffs though. I shouldnt have wait until i could physically pass before doing voice training, but i did. Thankfully i did that quite quickly. But once I could pass it became very important very quickly to go 100% of the time.

[@deathguitarist12]

When I wasn't passing on a regular basis, and I still don't 100%, I had to have some level of disconnect. Eventually I reached self acceptance because I was so much happier

[@secretbunnyninja]

If feeling comfortable in your own reflection, and frankly obsolete sexual archetypes is the only reason you are doing / emulating this, I implore you to think again. Really attractive passing trans persons probably have quite the trust fund. Androgyny can perhaps be leaned into. Surgeries and sepsis can be fatal. I like to say quite often that mental health is my number one. My ride or die. Ultimately at the end of the day, self-preserverence will win out, regardless of logic. I guess what I am trying to say is that its important to love yourself, and drastic changes to ones own life do not ultimately make it better in every situation.

[@GuangkaZ]

What is hello't?

[@diogenesPL]

A greeting I guess.

[@DorianPaige00]

The best way to pass is to lose weight and start young.

[@patriotsrebelsrogues7332]

i'm nontransition due to circumstance. is it brutal and a harsh thing yes i cope by crossdressing as much as i can get away with a sissy memes and a belief that life is five card stud with jokers wild its all in how you play the cards you get dealt.

[@martinkenna6735]

I Know what you mean but I've seen biological women with friends who looks extremely feminine. Turns out the friend was trans but passes more than the biological woman. It all depends.

[@Softy1967]

My experience is to deep to post here

[@gasmask5650]

Sickk intro

[@ElenaDarlingg]

Thanks! I've been playing around with more uniformity in my videos and I really enjoy this intro, glad you do too!

[@BellaVRC]

Love listening to your videos while I’m at work, you’re helping other trans women get thru the day fr 🫶🏻 thank you for all that you do Elena! Hoping i can be as confident in youtube videos like you someday 😊

[@ElenaDarlingg]

Aww this is such a sweet comment, glad I can help you get through the work day. I feel like that really cliche saying "Fake it til you make it" applies here on the confidence thing xD Take care!

[@BellaVRC]

@ElenaDarlingg slayyyy you noticed meee ahhh 😭 i’m glad my comment could brighten your day girlie!!!