People DON'T get THIS about TRAUMA BONDING

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@JustaNobody-j8x]

It’s like even when the person is no longer with you, it feels like their ghost is still manipulating you and haunting you.

[@amieross4625]

Exactly how I feel. Gone 190 days but I'm still 'trained' to react or act a certain way

[@DzsM-rz7gu]

Because of the collective level. Many people support them.Their ghost is their will and many people support that will.But cutting the trauma bond is possible even by generational traumas even when the environment support it. Basically whoever wanted to cutting it could achieve to cutting it.They can be replaced with love bonds for example I think that's the easiest cause there are pictures in our brain.And instead of traumabond we can place a lovebond.Thatswhy they hate if we are loved and safed.They hate our inner mother,whatever god,our love for ourself,our love for others, others love for us.Exactly thats the solution.Of course we need to recover from situations like that and changing the picture in our brain is a very important thing. They cannot get our soul and our love.

[@beingilluminous]

@@DzsM-rz7gu beautifully put!! Our internal sovereignty is priceless, and the collective pressure to fit in and be shamed for healing is feeling like it's shifting thanks to Dr. Ramani's lead and so many of us finding each other and lifting each other.

[@MeineAC]

Ohhhh yes, you are so on point

[@janeloraine6231]

Dr Ramani, I love when you put the cookies on the bottom shelf - accessible to everyone! This gives me a "101" resource to forward to people in that confusing space before they understand narcissism's effect on their mind and emotions. So grateful for you, and your work!

[@crystalcole888]

I was confused by the hot and cold behavior for years and years and years. Until I realized the truth of the situation. The good stuff is fake. The bad stuff is who they really are. No one who loves you, cares about you, or even just likes you would treat you badly consistently. People make mistakes, but if someone is horrible to you on a regular basis, or even just really really horrible sometimes, that person does not love you, like you, or care about you. When you finally realize that. For real. When you finally, finally accept that, their power over you will be gone.

[@matikramer9648]

Thank you You gave me hope, a new, fresh hope

[@michellehumphreys]

Agree, it's when I realized that it wasn't just a "misunderstanding" that I was finally able to say enough is enough, I am not tolerating your abuse any longer and was able to put my foot down and go no contact. I labored under the misconception for decades that they just didn't understand, and that we had some horrible misunderstanding going that just needed to be cleared up, and then everything would be ok. I was so wrong. They know. And when you finally see that, you can let go and break the trauma bond.

[@alicethomas6645]

Sooo true 43 yrs of it😮😢😂 tears of joy because now I can see thanks to God Almighty 🙏 ❤

[@christinelamb1167]

@@michellehumphreys Yes! You said it so well, and that was exactly my experience. I tried for SO LONG, thinking that if I could just explain myself better, then they would understand. I thought they just didn't understand why their behavior was hurtful to me. Every argument, I would think "this time, they'll finally get it, and from now on it's going to be ok". Nope. I finally realized they were never going to "get it", and the relationship was never going to change, ever. THAT'S when I was able to let go and walk away for good.

[@sonjamccart1269]

Amen.

[@tictactoedias1908]

My Dad who passed a few years back 😢 alway said “ the only way to win at the casino is not to play “ .The only way to win with a narcissist is not to play ! This will now be my mantra , thanks Pop 👴 ❤🙏

[@finchman1]

Wise man.

[@tictactoedias1908]

@@finchman1 he was full of wisdom and great sense of humor ❤️

[@RandomThot]

Bang on !! Quit and Win !!

[@Hetal28]

Deep wisdom with humor I shall pass this to my kid

[@flowers6576]

Sounds like your Dad and my Dad had the same wisdom! ☺️ I miss him too!

[@NarcSurvivor]

Narcissists will train you to bond with them over trauma and chaos. As though they’re your saviour or rescuer, to where you can seek a sense of resolve. It’s like Stockholm syndrome.

[@t_nels]

Seems so, they thrive in it. That keeps me grounded in observation and awareness.

[@michellehumphreys]

I think I had Stockholm syndrome with my Mom. She had a horrific childhood, I remember her being severely traumatized when I was 4 yrs old, I was so full of anxiety I was already chewing my nails. I didn't know what was wrong with my mom but now as an adult I can look back and see my mom was already traumatized and me being Autistic and an empath and a HSP and the oldest child I just wanted my mom to be ok and I think I internalized everything. I was trauma bonded to her by 4 yrs old.

[@t_nels]

@@michellehumphreys My mother was also traumatized by war torn europe. I don't recall a lot of my early childhood, even to recognize my mother in photos. It seems especially surrounding a visit to europe in my early childhood, she had lost so much weight.

[@richardjohanson6421]

They thrive on your empathy...

[@michellehumphreys]

@@t_nels My mom's Dad died when she was one yrs old, his family kicked her mom, her and her siblings out after her mom nursed her husband as he died of TB. Her mom then suffered what I belive to be severe clinical depression and rejected my mom, could not bond with her and my mom was passed around in the family staying with relatives where she was abused. She then could not bond with me. I get what you say about a war zone, my family landscape felt like a war zone. 💯. Peace ☮️ Multigenerational trauma.

[@youngblood8540]

Some days the narcissist treats you really good and then they treat you really bad. Even the calendar after Tuesday says WTF.

[@daykibaran9668]

Exactly Hey 👋🏻

[@youngblood8540]

​@@daykibaran9668 Hi 👋

[@youngblood8540]

​@@daykibaran9668 Hey 👋

[@in2phalanges]

spot ON

[@SherryWilson-dk7bo]

Lol! Good point ❤🙏👍🙂

[@jadegreen1554]

Trauma bonding is part of the narcissistic predator’s grooming ploy.

[@matikramer9648]

Thank you I really needed those words cause I was in the mess of emotions

[@SexySlim-i3v]

Yes Predator Grooming and Rapists (PR Stunts)🤣

[@kaoshi_kutie]

@@matikramer9648please get out if you can safely and go no contact! They will destroy you ❤

[@carolynjaynes9094]

They get worse, never better. Stop hoping and coping with abuse. Once I realized it will never change, I was free to go. It's been almost 4 years since I left. I feel so much better - at peace. No drama. No abuse. No confusion. No put-downs. NO fear. Just a lovely life that is full of creativity, beauty, and hobbies I enjoy. My dog and cat are enough for now.

[@christinehayes1475]

Happy for you! I've got out 6 years now. Enjoy my cat and dog and peace.

[@johntuohy1867]

Its hard to remember when in contact with a N that your value is not based on their ability to appreciate your worth. Best wishes to you.

[@HumanBean-v2m]

❤🎉

[@RajeshKankavlikar]

The trauma bond is so so difficult to break. 120 days , pure no contact still the ruminations.... God when will this pain go. Keeping my self busy. In the gym as well but it hurts bad. Very bad 😞

[@matikramer9648]

Sometimes it feels worse than physical pain

[@michellehumphreys]

I've recently added cord cutting, meditation videos to my self healing, recovery from narc abuse. There are so many free on you tube. I find they really help me. I hope that helps! ❤

[@Shelley-j2y]

Not all narcissists yell, the coverts undermine you in other ways. They love to bait you. It's when you stop taking the bait, they don't know what to do. I've learned to look past the person I'm dealing with who is a covert. Thanks to Dr. Ramani, I'm focusing on where I'm going and not what he's doing or not doing. It's hard, but it is possible.

[@nikolaipardon4164]

Oh ya! I had kinda the same story. I've been with my narc for over 20 years, when something changed in me and I suddenly started to take more care of myself, setting boundaries, standing up for my own interests, values and beliefs. That's when she really lost it. She was getting so mad and angry at me for just becoming more authentic and integer. She was turning my life into hell - which in hindsight is a good thing. It finally opened my eyes and made me leave her.

[@Shelley-j2y]

@@nikolaipardon4164 Good for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world!

[@dawnbp845]

My covert did rage on me for hours at a time.

[@trying2survive602]

I think mine is a combination of covert and malignant. He can be underhanded and then rage all in the same argument. Right now he is angry that mine lawyer is not on his side 😂

[@mathews0618]

My narcissists were more need rescued caused drama type. They wouldn't scream at me cause i woulda left. I put up with the manipulation because i believed they just didn't get it. They still cheated, they just did it where i trusted them most

[@sharicoburn5475]

I had a husband who was very grumpy most of the time. He didnt find joy in anything. I find joy and thankfulness in small things everyday and he could never appreciate the little gifts in life. He had extreme jealousy of people's nice homes nice cars you know just other people's lives are better instead of ever being thankful for what was in front of him. Then he would do these passive aggressive digs at me just out of the blue and it always confused me so much. He was an alcoholic also and finally was diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety disorder after 20 years of marriage. Then he tried to blame me for his anxiety which is weird because I was the one trying to get him to see somebody for it and I constantly tried to make his life as stress-free as possible. Well now after 10 years divorced I've learned he still has the anxiety problem. It was never me.

[@clarecollins2547]

The alternating behaviour is so confusing and disconcerting!

[@crystalcole888]

No it's not. Not really. I was confused for years and years until I realized the truth of the situation. The good stuff is fake. The bad stuff is really them. Because no one who who loves you, cares about you, or even just likes you, will do the bad stuff. People make mistakes, but when people do bad things to you consistently? That's the real them. All the good stuff is fake. When you really truly start to believe that, their power over you will be gone.

[@sushmayen]

Trauma bond doesn't lead to true love as many people think. We're mostly feeling guilty if we leave so we stay.

[@DreamcloudDesignsLampwork]

It's a monthly subscription. We can release ourselves from it. On a loop. Passing by. No release from perpetual grief, by not addressing yours, Dr. Trauma bonding the community that feeds you, more $$$

[@DreamcloudDesignsLampwork]

Team and Dr. Stole and assaulted my 1st Amendment Rights. Deleted my voice. Was unable to post. I screamed, they are doing this to me!!! You're next on their shopping list, with no release from it. Ramani and team cut my subscription. Got refunded. Said they did that because I wasn't following community guidelines. Execution. I was speaking of being deleted. I was rude? Y'all deleted me 4-5 times, Even on live chats. Y'all don't move like an American team. You're flying around internationally spreading and propagating your inside implosion, y'all brain. Not American Ramani network. Any phyco-thearapist going to the report to FBI or the Indian Governments equivalent of FBI INTERNATIONAL, cuz Americans have eaten shame. Digestion, grief, frozen processing, like me. Report her. E She's taking down your profession as she's rising in her progression inside your professionalism. Wake UP!

[@DreamcloudDesignsLampwork]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/pH2ye3WjgJd6bc0feature=shared

[@suzanne4396]

When my best friend asked me what a good date/evening with him was,.. I'd think( hard) and say " An evening when he doesn't yell at Me, put me down, be dismissive, or tell me I'm bad at ___, don't know how to do ___..." A good evening was him being " Not Mean." She hugged me and said " When you're ready to leave, we're all here for you. " It took 4 more months, but after ten years, I DID!

[@trying2survive602]

Isn't it sad that we tolerate this? 😢 You are so lucky to have those friends 🧡 I am trying to get out now myself. I now know what I deserve!! I am so happy for you to have your peace, freedom and happiness!! Blessings to you ❤

[@HumanBean-v2m]

❤🎉

[@suzanne4396]

@@trying2survive602 Thank you. The only way is Up, from now on ~

[@Jaileneejj0121]

I remember seeing a comment one day you will get tired of the constant highs and lows and it’s true everyone reaches their breaking point

[@dk5755]

The only vacation I ever experienced as a “good vacation” with the narc partner was the very first one he took me on during the love bombing stage. I’ve always wondered WHY they have to ruin the holidays/vacations with extreme mental, emotional, and psychological abuse? Then upon returning home they express to everyone (including me) how it was the best holiday yet!

[@margaretgrace5902]

My narc ruined every holiday as well, sometimes in little ways, often with spectacular rages over nothing.

[@cyndim8785]

Mine is on vacation this week and again he promised to take me somewhere to have a nice time. It’s been seven years since I left my home city. The Covid lockdown didn’t effect me at all. I realized that I have been on some kind of lockdown my entire life.

[@HR-qo3lh]

Yes! Why do they do this every time? Even our first ever holiday (which I paid for as a gift, to his dream destination) he blew up on me several times including flipping over furniture in our rental apartment, shouting at me in the street calling me a cheat, and got angry because my period started and he couldn’t get everything he wanted, and then when we got home he was angry about how he had so little holiday days left now. It was a free holiday?! To his favourite country/city in the world. He bragged about it to everyone. He would always bring it up later about how great it was and honestly I thought it was great too. I mean he only had a couple major flip outs, after all…..

[@i.ehrenfest349]

@@HR-qo3lhKrist, he sounds especially horrible. Are you still with him, or out?

[@i.ehrenfest349]

Mine twice started a raging fight when I was asleep. Another day I asked if we could go to a camping we had driven past, just for that night, and the end of that polite request was him going “You don’t want me to be happy!” Logic?

[@Idontreadreplies69]

I feel like narc family enables do more damage than actual narcs. Because we know that narcs are narcs. But we can still have love towards enablers. Because they dont act as abusive as narcs. But they are cowards...

[@matikramer9648]

Yeah, they are. And they are blind

[@ms.bonilla8059]

Cowards is the word 👍🏼. And sometimes they engage in the abuse with them!

[@HR-qo3lh]

In my case the narcs family enabled and normalised his behaviour and abuse towards me and my daughter. Both his parents were extremely selfish, manipulative, the dad was an addict and a cheat etc.For them it clearly was normal. His family are part of his flying monkey collection, used to be nice to my face and horrible behind my back when I tried very hard to bond with them, visit them, clean for them, buy then gifts when I was without money to spend. I asked them to please help me with his behaviour and they brushed me off, laughed, until I called the police in the end bc I was so afraid. The moment that happened they showed their true colours to me, instead of behind my back. Horrible people who can have him back!

[@Idontreadreplies69]

@@HR-qo3lh stay strong, I hope you will meet better people from now on

[@TheKrispyfort]

Flying flunkies

[@mercedesmoreno3607]

Wow!!!! I actually gaslit myself thinking it was good vs bad when it was bad vs more bad. Going to listen on repeat a few more times. Thanks Dr Ramani for all you do for us survivors. Be blessed.

[@javireyes7333]

Me too

[@javireyes7333]

Need to listen to it and process

[@Enlighten9096]

Love what you wrote.

[@patricksicard_psych]

Hello Dr. Ramani. This isn't a comment about this video. Rather, this relates to a recent video where you became emotional and started to cry. I started to cry. My reaction to your distress was that I wished I could comfort you and give you a hug. Yes, you're the world's foremost authority on the spectrum of narcissism. A professor. An educator. Notwithstanding your professional credentials, you are a wonderful human being. Empathy, compassion, kindness, love, caring and encouragement define you, in part. You are also a survivor of narcissistic abuse. Just like us. This commonality is like a bond. We see you as a professional but we also benefit from seeing your humanity. You are a profound part of our lives as VNA. Your presence in our lives enriches us. It teaches us valuable lessons for moving forwards with renewed hope, faith in humanity and the knowledge that despite our wounds, we can build on the healthy alternative. That is introspection, building on our strengths, re establishing trust in humanity, and offering our empathy and compassion where it is deserved. Of course, as victims of narcissistic abuse we have to be able to discern healthy from unhealthy especially in cases where we have a history of childhood trauma and can be triggered more easily. We look to you for your continued guidance. We respect you both as a person and as a person. While we don't necessarily know you personally, we admire you as a role model. Much love and kindness, Patrick Sicard

[@christinelamb1167]

I felt the same way! ❤

[@pietam6]

Beautifully expressed. So very true. The difference Dr. Ramani has made and continues to do so, is truly incalculable, yet the peace this information eventually provides, grows constantly. Like many others wishing you many, many blessings. Take good care...🌺

[@i.ehrenfest349]

Adulating others, praising them over the top, is sometimes a result of the narcissistic abuse we’ve been through. Read about fawning as a trauma reaction.

[@sparkygump]

Hope is the reason we stay.

[@TheKrispyfort]

Recovering from chronic exposure to trauma is like cold turkey from substances. You're in for a world of pain while your brain literally reconfigures itself. Recovering from abusive people is like suddenly stopping gambling when you're convinced you're destined to win big. The fear of missing out on a jackpot because consistent saving a small amount each day is going to take too long, or so we tell ourselves. There's no near-wins in gambling. Only breadcrumbs and losses. Rarely a jackpot. Overall, the House Always Wins

[@yukio_saito]

It's not how much you invest in them. It's how much loss you take from them.

[@LValley-kz3yc]

Trama bonding is like quicksand. The more you move, the deeper it takes you to your death. When you stop and focus on the tree branch near by, then you can slowly pull yourself out to freedom.

[@michellehumphreys]

That's it! Excellent insight! Focus on the tree branch and pull yourself to safety. I love that! That IS the way out!

[@treich36]

Quicksand excatly

[@AnneG.315]

My parents were married for 69 years. My father was often emotionally abusive to my mother. And most days demanding and grumpy. Sometimes she would complain, or ask me, do you think he’s getting worse? He died 4 months before my mother. 2 weeks before she died she said, I miss your dad, he was so good to me. 😮

[@cristinacidade31628C]

It is hard to comment... mindblowing...

[@donovangray4246]

That is called euphoric recall. You romanticize the good times so you can stay in denial about the abuse.

[@alicebond9207]

I’m battling a trauma bond that no one understands. Not our relationship therapist either. I go through micro and macro trauma bonding on a daily basis. It’s exhausting and traumatising.

[@TheServant33]

I’m dealing with the same thing I want a normal life so bad I don’t even want a relationship anymore and I don’t really care anymore

[@RandomThot]

@@TheServant33 I hear you , I have been there -"normal" is so sacred !! I wish you all the luck !!

[@RandomThot]

"Our" Therapist ? If you listen to other videos from Dr. Ramani I remember she mentioning doing therapies alone and not with narcs because they manipulate the whole narrative.

[@flowers6576]

​@@TheServant33 I feel you! I'm in the same battle.

[@SexySlim-i3v]

At least it's not Mocking and Deceiving (MD) you not in Maryland are you🤭 (that gotta be a terrible life to live when you have to play reverse psychology on daily basis. I would hate to be them as well🙃😊

[@ushere5791]

my parents' and ex-spouses' neglect was *heaven* compared to their abuse. this is why living alone is so much more peaceful and safe for so many survivors.

[@cherrybacon3319]

Every single day for me is a constant battle of trauma about what i thought could have been. The hope and 'what ifs' nearly drove me insane. 🍒

[@plumduff3303]

I hate being trauma bonded even though shes gone she's still here in my head.

[@cristinacidade31628C]

A good day would be me being absolutly ignored and not even talked to!!! I would ask to be considered invisible, if they would start to abuse me!!!

[@csfiskus610]

Whenever a narcissist says something like "You won't find anyone who tolerates you like I do". I always think I don't need that kind of tolerance from them. It took me some time and courage to realize that their "supply" or "offering" are not worth my sanity and walk away. Traumatized? Yes but I'm coping better now. Bonded? Not anymore and never will I be. At least try not to. The moment they play hot & cold, the game is already over.

[@jenniferlynn329]

There's a saying you could retort with: "If I'm too much for you, then you can leave and go find someone less." (hahaha!)

[@Grace.AlwaysGrace.]

Not between “good and bad”, but either simmering vs boiling is how I would surmise my personal experience.

[@issar211]

Exactly

[@meaghanorlinski8464]

Anyone watching this LEAVE. I had to suffer watching my father be absolutely abused as he was dying on his death bed. The worse he got the worse SHE got to bring more attention to herself and to try and trigger others around her. He had no peace, he was in pain from poor care, she was too worried about herself. She is now going after more money from his estate after always saying she didnt care about the money. She’s taking resources from his grandkids. Leave, it won’t get better.

[@DK-nh4bc]

The very same happened to my father. This is the first time that someone mentions similar experiences, though I think it is not rare unfortunately. It feels awful, as you wrote. Take care 🙂

[@debbiejahnke8724]

There’s a sense of home in the narcissistic family system. It might suck but it’s familiar.

[@matikramer9648]

It's because we choosing something already familiar to us.... Something from early childhood... In my case it was emotional neglect and even physical abuse

[@amandaluxmoore250]

Basically those of us in, or who have been in long term narcissistic relationships learn to consider a time without active abuse as a good day. It’s actually really sad.

[@suzanne4396]

😥. So True.

[@mauriceachach3351]

The human spirit is resilient. If you walk out and stay out and endure the pain, eventually you heal. And then you will be wondering what you really saw in this person.

[@LaMesaC]

I am telling ya❤!!😊

[@ceilconstante640]

I found this book on my mom's book shelf: Recovery From Rescue hy Jacqueline Castine. My mom was completely unaware of what she actually was. ALL 3 siblings are also Narcs. I used to people please just hoping for peace and harmony. I didn't understand and repeatedly ended up in Narc relationships. It was just normal to be abused. I didn't understand till i was 52 and seriously ill. I'm SO GLAD to have found Dr Ramani! Understanding is the 1st step to healing, not repeating the pattern or blaming yourself.

[@i.ehrenfest349]

I wonder, how did your siblings react to your illness?

[@ceilconstante640]

@@i.ehrenfest349 I was half way through a fight for my life doing Gerson Therapy. I also had chronic adrenal fatigue. I developed Autoimmune Hashimoto and had to move. I was in through the roof pain also. Finally settled into a new place. 2 months later Mom fell and oldest sister called from out of state that I had to go to Mom's immediately because she fell and couldn't be alone. I came to my mom's house. She needed 24 hr care. I had to sleep with a baby monitor. I could barely stand. Both legs swelled up and the pain went to the bone. I had to hold onto the counter to wash dishes and make food for my mom when I could barely care for myself. Time passed, I couldn't leave so I had to grab some baskets and boxes of things and walk away from my apartment , belongings and life. I hit bottom after 7 months. My older sister ended up taking my Mom to her house up north. I totally relapsed. Went through terrible hardship and got stuck in Mom's hoarder house with my meger belongings shoved into the 2nd bedroom. My sister and her dysfunctional family of two adult kids that have been never told no would come down and trash the place so I'd have to spend months putting it back together. Could never correct or criticize her house monkey adult kids. Mom passed away, then know it all older sister passed away from breast cancer. Older Brother Narscissts promised to give me $10,000 to get an apartment. He called and yelled at me everyday and ever morning around 5 or 6 sent long cruel texts. He told me to put everything in storage then find a place. Then told me I get nothing. I got really sick from the abuse. I was supposed to send the keys and a letter that I abandoned the place. I'm here after a month and a half with electricity turned off in Florida heat and humidity because I'm to sick and poor to go anywhere. It's a matter of time before I get evicted and I plan to leave before that happens. I need a real miracle! His power trip is he gets off that I'm broke, broken, old and sick living on very little and will end up a bag lady living in a car falling apart.

[@lucindamoura6718]

"Good" is definitely messed up 😢 very hard to get over this confusion 😢

[@justtest]

It is like it have split personality. One wants to look good and is not able to have memory of doing bad things. Another wants to consume any of your emotional capacity and will do so in cold blood, regardless what emotions it imitates on surface.

[@LaMesaC]

Yeah!

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Setting healthy safe limits for myself. Love it. Wish someone taught me this when I was younger. So much pressure to over give/over tolerate. No more. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@matikramer9648]

🍀

[@rustynails68]

I was desperate for security, which my partner provided, while covertly undermining my security causing me to be more desperate.

[@Jaileneejj0121]

A temporary good is never peaceful enough

[@sunshine92192]

I'm trying to break the bond! My 7th try and I feel very ready to be done.

[@michellemasich7464]

It took me about 7 times to leave. You can do this!

[@matikramer9648]

🍀🍀

[@audbaltzersenrameckers8832]

Thank you for making this so clear to understand. Before I listened to this I was thinking my parents really don't care. It's very confusing and it’s horrible to be no-contact. I hope it gets easier. I had a talk with my aunt last night. She told me do one joyful thing for yourself every day. And don't be in touch with your mom. She has always been kind to me. I remember as a kid I wished she was my mom. She was married to my moms brother. My favorite uncle who sadly died from KOLS 💔 Time for a walk, grounding myself again 💚

[@matikramer9648]

🍀

[@kortiiiiii6314]

Ono day a doctor said to me that the good days were there to compensate the bad ones. It was hard to believe but I think he was right. There can't be really good ones in the middle of such a horror .

[@shreeshagijare]

How many of us suffer from Narc partners and parents. I was unable to give words to my behaviour and feelings. The people here are expressing exactly what I couldn't express in words... Still it feels heavy in chest and still feel I want the person back in my life.

[@NicholasCampanella]

The thumb down was accidental

[@clarioncall8449]

Best thing that can happen sometimes is when the narc stops trying; then the scales fall away from your eyes. You realize they will never change. It’s sad, but it’s also healing, even if you stay. At least you know the truth and stop hoping for it to get better.

[@lishmahlishmah]

Many of us - specifically people coming from narcissistic family systems - actually confuse, from the very start, a family normal life with the family daily abuse life. In reality, if we are children of narcissistic parents, we *always* were under a regime of family abuse. So, when we heard other children's family stories, we tried to make "rational" connections between a family peaceful normality and the family abuse normality... without even seeing the actual difference. As Dr. Ramani said, we survivors have often known "the bad" and "the not completely bad". Besides, this is one of the reasons why we fall into narcissistic relationships and narcissistic marriages. In my case, the narcissistic partner appeared to me as a paradise... while he was only a "lower degree" (so to speak) of narcissistic personality disorder. He and his family were "just a bit less bad"

[@Sparcyyy727]

Yep. 2 years of doing that dance justifying name calling , accusations, distrust, and verbal abuse. 2 more years of lying cheating secrecy and gaslighting. A few fights so clearly picked to create distance and I said nope. I’m done. I don’t care anymore. I can’t find any more room in my heart for you and I need to take care of myself because I have been neglected. Reached my limit. Relationship over. But we can only reach a limit if we have self worth.

[@sang0love]

My mother is still together with my narcissistic father after so many years. I think that she takes those “not so bad day” as a reward, and make it a hope for getting better. It breaks my heart.

[@heat420_7]

I believe the phrase is "throwing good money after bad." You are correct! Don't second guess yourself 😊 I also think some of the "good" people experience in a narc relationship is just the material benefits of being attached to a narcissist (sometimes). It could mean bigger houses, faster cars, cooler vacations...but, you still have to deal with the abuse. Thanks for your work. Especially for posting these for free for us! ❤

[@matikramer9648]

Amen I do agree with you

[@LaMesaC]

That's ALL they experienced. That's not a good thing.

[@renatajd7758]

Absolutely not share opinions or emotions with those. Life will get easier. They will accuse you of being stupid, and you will act as stupid, but all will be peaceful.

[@clarioncall8449]

Telling them anything at all fills their arsenal against you. When dealing with a narc, silence is golden. Life may not be as full, but it will be livable.

[@joanharder2124]

Left marital home in December. Came close to returning in February. Thank God for weekly therapy with someone who gets it and for videos like these. Found tracker in my car 2 weeks ago. Contracted an attorney last Friday.

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Damn

[@LaMesaC]

😮

[@aprilwilcox5065]

Perfect timing on this video.. I'm still heavily trauma bonded.... I went no contact a week ago and even though I know what's happening I'm having a hard time... This video helped me get things back in prospective

[@matikramer9648]

🍀

[@malaikavida]

Such low expectations - either bad or normal, not actually ever good.

[@nowhere_else_to_go_]

Wow! So good, thank you Dr Ramani for sharing your insight. The slot machine and hoping (false hope) to hit the jackpot (that doesn't exist) is so helpful. Interestingly, when we do cut out losses and walk away -- the abuser often jumps right into a new relationship... and it APPEARS like the new person did, indeed, get our "jackpot", which can add to our pain... But what is really happening is the new person is being love bombed by your ex abuser, and the abuser is intentionally trying to make you think you should regret walking away. Double the supply. And in the end, the only person who gets to keep your money, and now the new person's money, is the abuser. A rigged game, indeed.

[@KJ-ns8lk]

Worried that the next person will get the better version is something I realize now is where my jealousy is rooted. I convinced myself that if I did something different things would be the good only and the bad would disappear. I was raised by a narcissist mom. My caretaker instincts and my focus on only what others need runs really deep. I’ve had several marriages to narcissists. My last/current relationship I did not marry but he is the worst BPD with narcissistic tendencies. He has treated me the worst and the emotional and psychological abuse is horrific. But it is with him that I have the trauma bond. It is taking every ounce of effort to try and break it. This is the journey I’m on. Pray for me to have the strength.

[@mk810]

Thank you, the language precision is essential when nothing else makes sense

[@GratitudeandGrace1111]

Even after 6 months of No contact i keep blocking his energy ! When you feel so betrayed and have no closure it just haunts you!! Im trying so hard to convince myself theres no way to ever go back and the lovebombing and illusion was just fake! 🙏🏻🙏🏻 Were still energetically connected and i block it 😞My heart battles with my mind constantly that if he truly loved me his actions would have matched !! Everyday is a new day and everyday i step forward a little more! Your videos have helped me so much!! Thankyou 🥰

[@diandreabrown8711]

1000 percent spot on Dr Ramani.. it is a hard pill to swallow. We have to let it go. Whether that new supply comes or not we must move forward ❤. Daily progress.

[@robinkholmes7127]

"Throwing good money after bad" means throwing good money at a bad situation, fueling the bad situation.

[@Enlighten9096]

I’d like to offer a 28 year medical file spanning two countries. It will substantiate every word in your book as irrefutable. This is culminating in the loss of two lives while I am helplessly watching generational trauma continue. Can we all take a stand to protect the children of our future generations? I have less than two weeks to get the file to you. My support to everyone unshackling from this abuse and joining hands to stand and protect the future generations of children

[@michellehumphreys]

❤ just yesterday I finally really put it together that the Multigenerational trauma in my family on just ONE side of my family goes back at least 6 generations to the US Civil War in the 1860s. My Grandma's Grandma used to stomp her foot and shake her finger at her and call her a Damn Yankee! When my Grandma was a little girl. Her mom had married a northerner after the war and evidently her mom held it against her daughter and her Granddaughter. And it never stopped until 4 1/2 yrs ago when me and my kids finally left and went no contact! Multigenerational trauma.

[@nadiiapazhun4087]

The normal for trauma bonded people is good. The day when you are not yelled at is good))perfectly said

[@RandyBrady2024]

Been there, done that, so over and past that, Healing is such a great feeling.

[@cindynimmo]

Scared. Scared it will be worse without them.

[@QX-xq5uj]

Great metaphor : the slot machine dear Dr.Ramani! A very good reminder for all those who are still stuck and justify disrespectful behavior from their narcissist!

[@Consiouschoices]

Traumabond: A good example is seen in the movie White Oleander (2002). Brilliant acting and a deeply touching story. Thank you, dr. Ramani for educating on the subject of narcissism (and the various degrees of it) Life is for Living everyday with the wounds many of us have. The human mind is complex. Love to the inner child within each of us ❤🙏🕊

[@lorianttila9698]

Yes. Abusive/Normal. We do not see the abuse until multiple parties point it out. They may not say the word abuse, but they will point out that the treatment from the narcissistic partner is not treating us, the victim, appropriately. We may even start to say abuse, but because it is our normal, we do not see the problem. Thank you Dr Ramani for helping. For giving us the necessary language and vision to understand the abuse, recognize the abuse and get out when we can. The struggle and pain is real.

[@matikramer9648]

Rough, tough and hard. And lots of pain. And sometimes it looks like physical pain is better and more real

[@lorianttila9698]

@@matikramer9648 it's ironic how much easier it is to heal bruises and broken bones than it is to heal a broken psyche

[@ruchiekumar8283]

Thank you Doc for reinforcing the essence of trauma bonding ; easier said than done. Surprisingly , even after being in a long narcissistic married relationship and with a mother who was/is a narcissist ( no contact bases with her now) and walking out on 20yrs of marriage ; I once again landed myself with yet another narcissistic relationship and a trauma bond now of almost four years, on and off. Thank you for all that you share here , awareness is just the beginning and I so desperately hope and pray that once again I am able to protect my sanity and break this toxic and absolutely roller coaster ride of a relationship. I am trying but IT IS SO DAMN DIFFICULT !!!

[@daafy6390]

@ruchlekumar8283 I'm in a similar situation. My mother, first husband of 27 years, and now second husband of almost 12 years are all narcissists. I'm 69 years old and have just now learned that some of us attract (or are attracted to) narcissists for certain reasons. I am still figuring things out, but I believe because of my mother's treatment of me, I have become very amiable and non demanding. In the eyes of a narcissist, that type of personality is what they are attracted to in order to elevate themselves.

[@dianabailey9757]

Good is just a lack of bad. It's a lesson in cutting the losses by choosing not to play anymore!

[@dustyjackson7584]

You've just explained why every day since I moved out of my mother's house has felt like being on holiday! The 'good' days with her were not actually good, they were only less awful. Now, every 'normal' day away from her feels like a package holiday at a beach resort by comparison!

[@matikramer9648]

Me too is thankful to Dr. Ramani Same story with me

[@trudysenglishvictorianhome3244]

WOW!! So that's what I'm going thru! Trauma Bonding! Mind blowing!! I couldn't figure out why I kept going back. Time for me to keep walking!

[@SY-wi5fb]

My narc ex contacted me 6 weeks ago and we caught up. Break up was 5 years ago and had no contact for last 3 years. Still trauma bonded despite no contact. My fear of letting go is similar to what Dr R is saying but a bit different. My fear is that I could be missing out on a “nice friendship” if the Ex has changed and is now pleasant

[@twovirginiacats3753]

They don't change.

[@matikramer9648]

My narcs never changed In time they became even worse I know, it won't help you I'm 64 now and I speak from my own pain It ain't helpful to you now, I know But, maybe, just maybe it will save you your time, your life's time, your expenses, your opportunities, your own yourself Good luck

[@twovirginiacats3753]

@@matikramer9648 I agree. If I can save one person from going through a life of dealing with these difficult types, it is worth me speaking up and telling my story!

[@Sooner-im9qf]

For what it's worth. I believe Narc's don't really change. Some of them can be like a chameleon that changes its coloring to suit the occasion. Like a mask. I call the "nice" mask the "mister nice guy act." They can put on the mister nice guy act to fool and bamboozle people when they want something from them, or to rope them back into a relationship. It can be a REALLY good ACT! I relented and went back in a couple of times in relationships years ago and was sorry I did. Just sharing my experience, not trying to tell you what to do. IMO they change the Mask, but never their real self.

[@sujammaz]

this reminds me of the many times you've mentioned the fact that we can take on certain traits of our abusers ourselves (especially from longterm situations, like family of origin ones). i find myself in patterns of getting triggered that look exactly like trauma bonding (two good days, one bad) even with people who are walking on eggshells for me (which is an entirely new experience and pretty overwhelming in it's own way) these days. it's really confusing because of course i don't want to be 'difficult', but also i can't invalidate my own feelings ever again and i just wish it wasn't so complicated and exhausting...

[@turnbacktime65]

Yes. Language is important. Thanks to the language used by you I was able to recognize those crazy thoughts in my head. Not crazy after all. All those actions by narc parents, an ex, a current partner. lol. I learned. Thank you.

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

I've always wondered if this was my case. Thanks for opening this up.

[@Altakanne]

Ouch! Dr Ramani, that "other person getting all the gain from my work" i've feared them so much... When i should have pitied them, prevented them. That is a painful and strong truth you enunciated in this video. Thank you. Being mindful of our own pride, fears and the mirage created in favour of the abusive person is such a difficult work sometimes and yet a salvation.

[@remarkable937]

I think we stick around because of course we remember how good it can be and wish for it to be good again. But also, it probably took a long time to even find this person that we got along so well with. So many empty dates, so many awful people we have met that we were so depressed we would ever find someone. So we think well it was great once maybe it could be great again, or the other choice is to go back out there dating and mucking through...AGAIN. So we decide to stay and hope to see that wonderful person show up again. IDK.

[@TheKrispyfort]

Partial reinforcement is the strongest conditioning tool. Ask any animal trainer. It's a gambling addiction, only we are the ones getting played Winning the Jackpot is what demonstrates that the Universe/Narcissist truly accepts us, and we are worthy We don't walk away because someone else might benefit from our efforts

[@kimberleyhartley6631]

This is so true. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. The trauma bond is as a vicious cycle of repeating punishing maneuvers. This cycle of abuse inhibits the continuum of stability that is so necessary in a volatile atmosphere that, in my humble opinion, seems to be characteristic of what we experience daily in a digital technology world from antagonistic bad actors in social media who are discussed in the news.

[@erika5744]

This is perhaps the best explanation I've ever heard about trauma bonding. I don't gamble, but it turns out I did for 20 years!

[@aynilaa]

I grew up like this. It's so confusing and really keeps you hooked. To this day, I have to be very aware of the "good days" that aren't any.

[@leilagomulka5690]

You are a prophetic godsend . Truly. You speak truth to power. For the powerless. Our best advocate. For peace.

[@craigmerkey8518]

The dysregulation was the key piece of the puzzle and I did not like the picture when I was done! I basically have the people in my family who display NPD traits on extinction... unfortunately they will remain there until they move onto the next plane! Validation seeking is really a sad existence.

[@moniquejackson7741]

So Brilliant. Thank God for your precise mind and honed teaching skills, Dr. Ramani. You can see how people need to hear things for greater clarity, and we're all so much better off for it. You and your slot machine analogy are wonderful. Listening again right now.

[@marcin3136]

"Emotional swing" (Prof. Dariusz Doliński) is very emotionally addictive. A vicious circle/ drawing into the swamp (the more you struggle, the more the swamp sucks you in).

[@PenninkJacob]

Yes! Precision helps me! thank you so much!!!! 👍❤❤❤ reminds me of relativity, everything is relative, - bad and worse becomes good and bad... thx!!!

[@1stBorn538]

The conditioning of the behavior in the beginning was very confusing for me. On any given day, I would think everything was ok and the next minute he was acting like the tasmanian devil because I asked him to tell the truth about his lies, this happened quite often, and he seemed remorseful before marriage but after, it became the habit of controlling me that started to turn into me avoiding any confrontation questioning or difficult conversations at all cost.. If I wouldn't allow him to lie and gas light his way outta his wrong doing and bad behavior, then it turned into fits of rage...

[@AchievingAllOfMe]

“Precise LANGUAGE” for these topics Make a HuGe Difference!! For me, it’s been life changing…and Of course, Dr. Ramani’s language has helped me identify these things for myself more than any other in the field!

[@John-vb8co]

Thank you for posting this one. I’ve been thinking “maybe it IS me” because when we typically talk about trauma bonds, it is couched with the idea of “good days” and “bad days”. That is often followed by, “the good days are often REALLY good”. That never describes my own experience. For me, it’s more like “bad days” and “blah days”. The “good” can only ever be described as “blah” or “meh”. Just as you describe in this video, my good days are, at best, meh. I see more of my own experience in what you’re describing today and it helps validate that I’m not actually crazy. Thanks again.

[@littleiodine9480]

Beautifully put and well understood. Realized I have settled so much for the not so bads in most things in life. Gonna watch that much closer. I am working hard on self love. Thank you Dr. Ramani!!! ❤

[@Izzy89able]

This is so so spot on. Exactly what I'm going through right now and I feel like no one else understands. Especially the elevating the "normal" days as "good" in my mind. It's never amazing dayz vs bad days with him, it's just been "not bad" vs "horrible". Thanks Dr. Ramani. I really don't know how to leave him though.

[@gw2833]

This was brilliant! Especially since there are both gamblers and narcissists in my family. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

[@grammyspa-jammies1737]

There was a time when I actually thought to myself, "Maybe if I bring myself down to his level, maybe then he'll be nicer." THAT didn't last long. It didn't work, things did not get better, And I hated being that type of person.

[@DaisyNatalia-dd6zd]

She's incredible. This Woman Is Amazing. Thanks for what you do.

[@Saraflowerk]

You focus only on the good because you love them and think that can heal them. Then logic takes over and you see they'd do to you what most wouldn't do to their enemies.

[@Thedisgardedoptimist]

A good trauma therapist works wonders..☮️🦋

[@SusanWillans-b9q]

In my case, I knew life with the narc wasn’t going to be great, but better than the alternative. I had become physically disabled from hereditary health problems, but my family looked the other way and refused to help (they also were narcissistic), I became homeless. At least he provided a roof over our heads & food to eat. Eventually I did leave him, now live on my own and surviving.

[@NancyBrown1975]

I have always wondered where that trauma bond was hiding. I knew the trauma bond was the back and forth, however, not in a definite place like the “worst feelings ever” place.

[@bottomsupbarmaid1987]

I have a friend that has a repeated habit of going after troubled men, because she thinks she can fix them (her own words) . She doesn’t think she needs therapy because she has learned from her last mistake (horror of a marriage and divorce). Her newest relationship is the same trauma bonded situation but instead of him hiding drug addiction and more, this guy is in the thick of a nasty drawn out divorce and he’s blind to narcissistic tendencies as well as in denial of needing therapy. She is more than happy to be his “therapist “ as he crashes on her couch for over a week in deep depression. She felt soooooo good about herself taking care of him too. On another note when he’s doing something with his friends or his own kids and she is not there with him, she “is triggered and spirals” (I can’t stand those overused terms) and has to binge drink to get through those days and at the same time has to binge drink around him if she is triggered by something he said or did. It’s a hot mess and she is soooooo deeply invested into it. Dr ramani…I’m gonna look for videos you have done on this topic because I am curious what personality disorders are drawn to this relationship pattern. Been listening regularly for years and appreciate your speaking and teaching style because it’s really engaging and easy to digest.

[@nikolaipardon4164]

I often use alcoholism to explain it to people, who ask: "Oh, but since you've been together with her for such a long time, there must have been something good about your relationship, right?" I then reply: "Would you say the same to an alcoholic? Ask him, why he kept drinking, if it was that bad?" Trauma bonding is like an addiction. But thinking about it, the slot machine is an even better analogy. It also has the lost-cost-fallacy aspect. And the small wins in between. Those light moments, when you get a bit back. Not enough to make it really a good experience, but enough to keep you putting coins into the machine and hoping for the better.