Please excuse me while I sink the hell out of Battleship

[@awells444]

My roommate, who is navy reserve, believe that the most unbelievable part of Battleship is that any could get the steam plant up and running in less than a week.

[@philismenko]

Holy shit yeah

[@VARifleman2013]

I'm an industrial Boiler technician. Yeah, if it was cold but otherwise ready and filled still way longer than they did. From a museum that's not been turned on in years, long time to do it. But really? I didn't care in the moment I was hooting and hollering just enjoying it even though I knew it was laughably impossible.

[@kevcom000]

@@VARifleman2013 you have no idea battleships have hundreds of holes in the bottom called seachest which let sea water into the ship for whatever it’s needed for and as part of the conversion to a museum all of these seachest have sheet metal welded over them so even if they had fuel and steam the pipes didn’t explode immediately since they haven’t been serviced in decades they had no way to get water into the ship to turn into steam.

[@dwayne7201]

@@kevcom000 actually none of the Iowa classes had the sea chests welded over as they were intended to be ready to reactivate somewhat

[@kevcom000]

@@dwayne7201 no they aren’t as per the museum that curates them kzbin.info/www/bejne/enamnIOPl9WHq68

[@ErinPalette]

I absolutely love it when the Dockmaster loses his sh*t, especially over minor details like "They got the ribbons right and everything else wrong."

[@Nyet-Zdyes]

LOL... I just figure the show had a competent person in charge of wardrobe... and NOT very competent writers.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Mostly because the ribbons are what everyone else gets wrong, so, somehow, they went out of their way for THAT, but not anything else.

[@EclipseWarlord]

That honestly was the best part of the video. The level of offended was amazing.

[@kbairwolf]

@@SacredCowShipyards in the USA it is illegal to replicate a military uniform exactly. That is why ribbons are often incorrect, but they chose another way to be inaccurate.

[@Linki8uu]

@@HelghastStalker if I’m remembering correctly I think it’s ok for plays and musicals but not movies however I could be wrong so don’t quote me on this but I also believe it’s just current issue

[@noahdoyle6780]

"Destroyers have never had a drag race." Nor ever swamped a barge train by speeding up a river, either...

[@sethgilcrist8088]

And the Marines have never had helicopter or humvee races either.

[@Echowhiskeyone]

Fast Combat Replenishment Ships(AOE) never had races either. Somehow Sacramento (AOE-1) was deemed the fastest of all 8 AOEs at the time. First, Fastest, Finest.

[@sethgilcrist8088]

You know it's funny. We can't admit that two or more guys in military vehicles have races. But we sure as hell can admit that our spy planes (SR-71) would have drag races with Russian high speed missile's

[@diojiabunai]

I can neither confirm nor deny the engagment of tow tractor races on the flight line or drag races on the runways Chief.

[@sethgilcrist8088]

@@diojiabunai and as a fueler I have no idea how jet fuel did not end up in the tanks of cars that were not racing on the flight deck

[@captainstroon1555]

I remember four things from this movie: There are spaceships jumping on the ocean, there are buzzsaw drones wrecking a ship, there is some dome field thingy, and there is a "We need a bigger boat so we take this museum piece" scene.

[@jaywerner8415]

Pretty much sums it up.

[@EclipseWarlord]

Honestly, your description is better than the movie was.

[@mackenziebeeney3764]

I sadly didn’t remember the buzz saws of hate.

[@EclipseWarlord]

@@mackenziebeeney3764 That's too bad. I feel they were the coolest thing in the movie.

[@Jjb-gk4ce]

Main thing I remember was the bullshit anchor turn

[@brokenursa9986]

I love how us humans have this love of picking fights with technologically superior aliens, but the aliens have to have some easily expolitable weakness like light or water or a computer virus. Like, we want to be the underdogs, but we keep pitting ourselves against such incredibly incompetent aliens that there’s little chance of humanity’s failure.

[@blackc1479]

It goes back to us somehow figuring that despite barely making it out into space, we are always somehow smarter than critters that made it all the way across the galaxy. Ironic that we don't have historic action movies where the "primatives" don't kick the crap out of the invaders based on the fact that they don't know which plants and reptiles should *really* be avoided. Or, you know, water.....and melee weapons.......lookin at you, signs.

[@boobah5643]

I chalk it up to bad writers who think you can look smart by surrounding yourself with idiots.

[@lechking941]

@@boobah5643 ya thats the 90% there

[@fadelsukoco3092]

Having read thousands of HFY short stories, yeah, this is pretty prevalent in a lot of stories.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Humies gotta win in humie movies.

[@Attaxalotl]

MC: “you know what I’m going to wear sunglasses!” Everyone not part of this move: “okay that was always allowed”

[@SacredCowShipyards]

TO-TAL BAD BOY.

[@SoddingGit]

Did I just watch 2 hours of snark? Yes. Did I enjoy every minute of it? Also yes, good job SCS.

[@SoddingGit]

@Greg Placencia I actually like the movie despite how bad it is. The concept/idea behind it is decent, it's just a shame it was rushed out to capitalize on the success of Transformers.

[@thatonebritishidiot3037]

@@SoddingGit say what you will of the transformers movies but the toys were great, especially as a fan, some of those movie toys were excellent and still hold up today, Terradive, ROTF Bludgeon, ROTF Mindwipe, Stratosphere, DOTM Powerglide, most of the Return Of The Fallen and Dark Of The Moon toylines tbh

[@pikadragon2783]

I find myself revisiting it from time to time. Sometimes it functions simply as background snark. Weirdly satisfying.

[@hokutoulrik7345]

Though, as a point of order, they actually DID take the Missouri out. The studio was able to film while she went on her last maintenance cruise after the dry docking before she was permanently shut down. So the footage of Missouri under weigh is the actual footage outside of the combat scenes of the ship moving.

[@WakeRoberts]

True, though she was under tow and not steaming under her own power.

[@hokutoulrik7345]

@@WakeRoberts was she? I thought she was under her own steam. They must have taken the tugs and their wakes out in post then.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Yeah, she's been cold-iron since she first became a museum ship, and was towed to the drydocks where her hull got repaired. Didn't know they used that opportunity to film on her, but given that they also showed her going through some /very/ rough seas in the movie, I imagine there was a /lot/ "in post".

[@neonclear8500]

I'm assuming whoever did their uniforms for them was actually former military. Because uniforms are the least bad thing about this entire movie. Rank insignia, ribbon placement, that sort of thing. Their uniform department was on point. Everyone else appears to have been on drugs

[@SacredCowShipyards]

And they didn't SHARE, damnit.

[@razor1uk610]

@@SacredCowShipyards oh they did, butt only amongst the writers, screenplay writers, conceptualisers, and especially the prosthetic props dept, plus the associated studio management.

[@thecactusman17]

2 hours? 2 HOURS? You turned a 5 minute video into a cube! It's beautiful!

[@philvanderlaan5942]

It’s the level of hate directed towards this movie . I liked a few of the actors and I like the game and I was bored so I watched the whole movie and I felt brain cells committing suicide while watching that movie. If Dockmaster wants to dedicate this much time , he doesn’t just hate the movie , he is bored as hell as well

[@philvanderlaan5942]

A note about navy binoculars Being lost, dropped overboard ect. In 1904 a large number of binoculars were thrown at ships by Admiral Rozhestvenski out of anger at things like the auxiliary cruiser Kamchatka throwing everyone into panic by reporting Japanese torpedo boats in the English Channel and off the coast of South Africa and reporting that several poisonous snakes bought as pets in Madagascar had gotten lose and finally reporting that she was sinking and then not sinking. So many binoculars that the admiral’s staff brought along several cases of extra binoculars.

[@boobah5643]

​@@philvanderlaan5942 _Kamchatka_ was a repair ship that mounted six small guns for shooting at torpedo boats. Not a joke; she's too old for her 47mm guns to be anti-air and they're too small to hurt any warship bigger than a torpedo boat.

[@philvanderlaan5942]

@@boobah5643 Kamchatka was still able to throw the rest of the fleet into panic on a regular basis. I was talk about admiral tolongtotype’s unique attempt to use binoculars as an anti shipping weapon.

[@Toskin]

@@philvanderlaan5942 It was a sad moment when Kamchatka reported that she isn't actually sinking.

[@redenginner]

On moving the shells through the battleship, the USS New Jersey's channel talked about the overhead rails on broadway (a wide passageway down the middle of the ship that connects all three turrets) that was used to move shells between the ship's three main gun magazines. They would basically strap the shell to that and push it along,because there was no way in hell they could move a shell that large around without assistance.

[@Maniac3020]

We even see these rails in the movie.

[@MrAWG9]

But it looks WWAAYY cooler if they stupidly pick it up. Even Steven Segal used the rails in that other movie with a battleship.

[@EclipseWarlord]

@@MrAWG9 When a Steven Segal movie gets something more accurate...

[@charliemccutcheon6030]

@@MrAWG9 nah, sounds like Segal refusing to exert himself like always

[@mr.nobody2191]

@@MrAWG9 fun fact that battleship in that movie was the Missouri

[@philmitchell8109]

When a boardgame is more accurate that a film you have to wonder why you watched it.

[@arthurmoore9488]

Because it's a mindless turn your brain off movie. if you don't then it'll melt from how little sense it makes.

[@rowbot5555]

Because its very fun

[@The_Viscount]

I can definitively say that the biggest flaw with the film is actually that Liam Neeson never does anything more aggressive than yelling at anyone. He never kills anyone. I mean, how do you make a film with Liam fracking Neeson and not have him at least punch someone?!

[@clintcarpentier2424]

Because the only one he would kill, was dating his daughter. That's why!

[@thundermane362]

IKR? They should have made him punch that idiotic SecDef, or whoever the hell he was. (I can't see the reply for some reason. So sorry if he already said that and I'm just repeating)

[@defies4626]

The ship actually has a still functioning hoist for doing that exact 'haul a round from one side of the ship to the other' situation. Chalk another instance of the movie getting it almost right.

[@Chronicler177]

“They start as seamen” Don’t we all?

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Har har.

[@thomasrasmussen7493]

You better nut make jokes like that agine

[@mavrick195]

As a former Ordie I can truly appreciate your comment about "maintainers being the only ones who don't enjoy mini guns" 🤣

[@RomanvonUngernSternbergnrmfvus]

From the armorers I know who are more like 40k tech priests than they are members of any modern military I’d say even the guys up keeping those mini guns enjoy them. They might have even tried to consummate with them but I don’t kink shame.

[@mrminiguns]

I adore this channel not only for the sci-fi commentary and humorous rants, but the occasional sea story that gets passed along for us humies to revel in and hopefully learn from.

[@Nyet-Zdyes]

Careful... or he might send you off to fetch some relative bearing grease for his periscope.😂

[@sethgilcrist8088]

Navy guys have the best sea stories. Or so I've heard at the scuttlebutt

[@Nyet-Zdyes]

@@sethgilcrist8088 When I was a young airman stationed at my first base post-"boot camp", we had all 4 (then) branches... and had the good fortune to have a friend was a PO1... and yeah, he had some GOOD stories!

[@sethgilcrist8088]

@@Nyet-Zdyes as a Marine I am legally, morally, and ethically required to never admit the navy can do anything better. But ya there's a reason we call them sea stories and not something else.

[@Nyet-Zdyes]

@@sethgilcrist8088 Unfortunately, I never got to meet any senior MARINE noncoms... but I don't doubt that they would have been quite interesting... and honestly, probably would have had some very interesting SEA stories of their own, too. On the other point... Don't you get to "admit" that the USN does corpsmen better? Or are they considered "honorary Marines"? Or do the Marines have their own corpsmen now? My info on that is OLD.

[@madrabbit9007]

When I was a Midshipman 2/C training in Newport for ROTC I met up with a brand new O4 doctor who saluted me first. I had to explain to him just how far above me he was in rank and why I was duty bound to salute him first. EDIT AFTER WATCH: If you can indeed turn off reality this is a pretty good movie. If you can't this is worse than watching Pearl Harbor with Vietnam era ships getting bombed by the Japanese.

[@dragonace119]

Oh god Pearl Harbor......That movie sucked balls, "Tora Tora Tora" was by far the best pearl harbor based movie.

[@ussenterprisecv6805]

@@dragonace119 Midway did pearl harbour better than pearl harbour

[@dragonace119]

@@ussenterprisecv6805 Ironically.

[@AlexSDU]

@@dragonace119 Tora x3 top all Pearl Harbor-related movies so far.

[@dragonace119]

@@AlexSDU Absolutely, it set a hard to surpass precedent.

[@tba113]

"A lot of binoculars get lost, or get dropped over the side, and your Navy has simply tired of paying for new ones." Admiral Rozhestvensky: [heavy breathing]

[@philipb.3758]

OH GOD O FUCK OH GOD CZAR NICKY THE JAPANESE TORPEDO BOATS

[@fadelsukoco3092]

The best theory that I've heard as to the weird tech and tactics of the aliens is that they are not a military force, but a mining expedition. That would explain why they have a ton of explosive charges and stuff.

[@Echowhiskeyone]

I saw this movie out of curiosity. And was confused and a few WTF moments. OK, more than a few. It was fun to watch, but knowing how long it takes to light off the boilers on an active warship, there is no way in Hades they could get that old girl underway. And that is just the beginning.

[@Aelxi]

Yeah there's a lot of things gone wrong with The Big Mo's scenes. Of course the anchor scene and many more.....

[@ussenterprisecv6805]

I will say it screw the Mighty Mo she stole my spotlight I was meant to be the ship Japan surrendered on (yes I know its a kamikaze's fault for making me explode for the 2000th time but still screw Missouri)

[@hokutoulrik7345]

@@ussenterprisecv6805 don't worry Enty, you have way more battle stars that Mo and you held the line by yourself when your sisters were lost. We know who the real MVP was and the fact they scrapped your hull was a travesty.

[@ericblevins6467]

@@ussenterprisecv6805 Calm down, Big-E; they named the very unlikely ship in 'Star Trek' after you! Though they should have held the surrender ceremony on your quarterdeck just to rub salt in the IJN's wounds, in my humble opinion.

[@ussenterprisecv6805]

@@ericblevins6467 1 I still don't know how I feel about that Star Trek thing 2 yes that would have been great it would have been so good if I went there even with the damage from the kamikaze and whilst they are surrendering there are just my repair crews patching up the deck or whatever needed fixing again

[@rafale1981]

The (totally fictional) anecdote of what might conceivably be ddg drag racing is exactly the stuff that i watch this channel for. Apart from the colorful language.

[@torjones1701]

"how did converging lasers merging into one become a thing?" A New Hope.

[@blackc1479]

Lol, I was going to break out with a rousing chorus of "blame star wars" sung to South park's "blame canada"

[@sethgilcrist8088]

I'm waiting for the lyrics

[@blackc1479]

@@sethgilcrist8088 damn, now it's become a challenge😁

[@confusedcabal342]

After watching this, I really wanna see your take on Battle: LA. Great rant as always, Dockmaster!!

[@side-beeetaloniswolfwolfac4179]

Yes. This would definitely be quite the show.

[@jakeaurod]

Didn't the aliens capsize a destroyer by jumping on it or something?

[@thedarkcorrupter]

@@jakeaurod nah they shot at a coast guard cutter and broke its back/capsized it

[@side-beeetaloniswolfwolfac4179]

@@jakeaurod I thought a drop pod crashed right through it?

[@jakeaurod]

@@side-beeetaloniswolfwolfac4179 Could be. I only watched it once. It was only worth watching once.

[@Echowhiskeyone]

As an EW and the EMCON coordinator on USS Sacramento, I loathed cell phones and those using them. During an exercise in SOCAL we were detected and "sunk" because morons decided to disobey the order of no cell phone use to call whoever. Our CO got dressed down by the Admiral, and it flows down hill. But my ideas were shot down due to being too strict. Use a cell, explain to the XO why you should get your cell back. Too strict my rear. I may lose my life due to someone who want to say sweet nothings to someone. Screw them.

[@whirledpeaz5758]

My question how the hell does a cell phone work when you are at sea, where there are no cell towers? I served '84 -'90 on Carrier before widespread use of Cellphones or the Internet. My only connection to the outside world was Snail mail.

[@Echowhiskeyone]

@@whirledpeaz5758 This was in the late '90s or pre-9/11 early 2000s. We were barely in cell tower range of San Diego. But apparently close enough for the OPFOR to pick it up. And "unofficially" listen in, determine them cell number, who was talking and from what ship. Officially, they cannot listen to American cell calls. But since they were the Bad Guys... The OPFOR used this to stage an attack. Found out about this in after action reports.

[@postron5649]

How does a normal cellphone even work at sea? Was it close enough to the cost or did people actually bring a satellite phone?

[@Echowhiskeyone]

@@postron5649 Up in Montana I was using a cell phone with the nearest cell tower about 90 miles over the plains. I had crappy reception, but I still could talk over the cell. Also atmospheric conditions can play with radio and cell signals. I have talked on a line of sight frequency at over 300NM while at sea. Not common, but can happen. If you have a cell with good battery and a clear line to the tower, even over the horizon, the cell may work. And from what I read, it was a cell phone and at the time we were about 60 miles off shore. A satellite phone can work anywhere you are in line with a satellite. Even 500 miles from nowhere.

[@thatguybrody4819]

do you at least get pagers?

[@LasseROM]

When I saw this movie, the plot I found was an alien diplomatic dispatch with its escort, lost their diplomatic and communication ship in orbit. Then, only the military escort was left, who then tried to reestablish communication with the home base. Also, I hope you return again. It took some time to find your shipyard and get all the logistics set up to "borrow" your compressor to make my dice empire. Where am I to get the awesome dices made from museum pieces and definitely-not-stolen spaceships?

[@SacredCowShipyards]

They make such nice clacky-clacky noises.

[@lechking941]

XD i got the schematics for the compresser, he uses a good industrial standard. basicly able to hold any ship block you throw in if its space fairing, anything bellow galatic standard battleships are just squiskable in whole

[@alaeriia01]

Can I get a spaceship compressed into an icosahedron instead?

[@nottelling6598]

They had the one ship class that actually had the big heavy-cargo transportation rails that movies love to show all the time, and they didn't use them.

[@themaskedmysadaean8885]

Wow!! YAY!!! I wondered if ye had a grand project underway, and now I see my hypothesizing has been accurate! What a lovely day!!! ^^

[@iclisious]

The one thing I will 100% die on the hill for this movie is that they didn't make the main chatachter into the actual hero. Instead they made it very clear to me, that the real heros were Big Mo herself and the crew of old timers, for the water based part. And then they had the Vet with two prosthetic legs the real hero on the dirtside action.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Cybernetic Dude and the Old Timers were totally the heroes. Also the name of what would probably be an a-MAZE-ing band.

[@ericwilner1403]

I dimly recall seeing the trailer, and laughing at it despite my near-total ignorance of boaty matters. If I could spot so many absurdities in the compressed time of the trailer flashing by, the movie had to be be pretty darn absurd.

[@MonkeyJedi99]

A long time ago a friend told me about their "silent trailer" concept. The idea is, after seeing a movie trailer, you then watch it again with the sound turned off. The more different your interest is between the two viewings, the more likely you will think the movie will suck after you watch it. - Once I started trying out the idea, I started to notice how many movies use the same type of music cues in their trailers. Not even just the "BWAAAA!" but the tempo and registers of notes used.

[@rowbot5555]

Absolutely absurd, a great movie to laugh at and turn your brain off

[@rowbot5555]

@trueblueprussian 23 yeah, its q great movie to watch with your brain turned off, not everything needs to be a storytelling masterpiece afterall

[@thestabbybrit4798]

I imagine that the "chivalry" of navy men and pilots is because basic humies can do fuck all in this kind of warfare. In the sky, your enemy is an aircraft, or an AA gun; on the ocean, it's a ship, sub or bomber. Once the actual vehicle is out of action, the human operating it is less threatening to you than the salt water he's currently bobbing around in. But if you in the army, you have to deal with the person - because even in the age of tanks and artillery, a mad bastard with a knife will still end you. I have to assume that because you need to fight a man, not the man's vehicle, it requires you to dehumanise your enemy in ways that other services need not necessarily do.

[@arsenalxa4421]

There's also the fact that, if you're an enemy combatant and your ship just got sunk, you're going to be outnumbered when the ship that just rocked your shit brings you aboard. Ship's company will mean mug you, for sure, but you'll be extended hospitality nonetheless. I'd like to mention the boxes our(US Navy) food comes in says "USDA GRADE C. FOR INSTITUTIONAL USE ONLY." Never eat the baked fish if you value your gastrointestinal health...

[@maximsavage]

That actually makes a lot of sense. There's definitely exceptions, or standard situations where such thinking does not apply, but overall, yeah, it sounds about right.

[@inigomontoya4109]

The biggest part of it is simply us humans don't want to get stranded in the water. It's every sailors worst nightmare, floating around until you get eaten by sea life or succumb to the elements. As such since this absolute terror presides in every sailors bones, they won't leave men in the water.

[@2vectors708]

I always noticed in this movie that the aliens were reactive the entire time and didn't kill non-combatants, adding in that the ship that was destroyed on atmospheric entry was a communications ship, this was likely a legitimate attempt at first contact instead of an invasion force, the humans essentially just killed a bunch of exploratory scientists and their protection detail. We don't send civilians on our exploratory missions to space, we send the military

[@lechking941]

well no you still send civs. every exploration discovery team has soem civs involved. but ya mostly civs and some secruty detail was just murdered.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

I would point out that TECHNICALLY all humies (so far as I've bothered to keep track) you have sent outside your orbit are TECHNICALLY civilians, because they're all "astronauts", and thereby members of a civilian organization, but that's a paper-thin distinction, at best. Soon, though... things are going to get interesting.

[@lechking941]

@@SacredCowShipyards manly because the world contries get upsettie spagetti about the mil being ever sent up. for they paranoid to the kipper belt and back

[@amperzand9162]

A lot of the Apollo crewmen were still commissioned military officers during their flights.

[@tirirana]

A great depiction of a relationship between a chief and an officer is Chief Harkness and his relationship with Prescott Tremain on his way from Ensign to Commodore in the Honor Harrington series.

[@lordfirebeard8569]

I loved those two

[@TheAchilles26]

Although it was Bosun McBride that really molded Tremain. If anything, Tremain is regularly cited as a positive influence on Harkness

[@tirirana]

@@TheAchilles26 They were a good influence on each other. Though McBride is also a great character and a good example of senior enlisted crew helping commissioned officers along

[@Nyet-Zdyes]

@@TheAchilles26 Yes, INITIALLY it was Bosun McBride... but after that fairly brief time, Scotty got separated from McBride... but not Harkness. IIRC, Harkness was also present and important even during the initial bit. Of course, McBride was also quite important to Chief Harkness.

[@RevantheBlack]

the only good funny moment from that movie that i remember Old Sailor: "Let's drop some lead on these mother-" *battleship gun fires in convenient censoring to keep movie pg-13*

[@ShuRugal]

@ drifting a battleship... I did the math on this a couple months ago (it's in my comment history somewhere if anyone knows how to browse that and cares enough to look...) There are a lot of claims about the Iowa's full broadside causing the ship to slide 20+ feet sideways through the water from the recoil... The momentum math on the weight of the shot + mass of the powder * the muzzle velocity / the mass of the ship at standard displacement gives a high single-digit feet-per-second speed... but trying to move a 30,000 sq ft plate of steel through the water at even one foot per second generates about 40,000 lbf of resistance. at 10 ft/sec, it's just shy of 4 million lbf, and that's completely ignoring the hydrodynamic effect of the ship moving through the water (the entire hull acts like a vertical hydrofoil and generates enormous forces to keep it moving the same direction it is pointing, that's why naval rudders are so insane) try to slide a battleship sideways through the water at 30 kts? a shade over 100 million lbf of resistance from plate drag alone. it'd be like hitting a reef.

[@noahdoyle6780]

"precipitously moving the shipyard" Normally, I'd ask, 'What did you do?' but if I don't know, I can't testify.

[@knutzzl]

The sunglasses thing was a thing because the alien ship has tainted artillery proef windows. Thats so the ones controling the ship wouldn't be blinded by the sun. And the human protagonist's could shoot and break the windows with rifles, thus blinding the alien pilot with the rising sun because it didn't have sunglasses

[@jtfbreedlove]

Jon carter was generally entertaining if nothing else and there is more than enough material in it's verse for an entire cinematic universe. Battleship on the other hand has it's entertaining bits and the rest is forgettable at best.

[@Grizabeebles]

I think there's enough there in Battleship for a sequel. The aliens wouldn't just send 6 ships on a First Contact mission. ESPECIALLY when only one ship has interstellar communications capacity. The aliens in this movie are much more likely to be an advance party from a much larger fleet that's been under way for decades or centuries. This leads me to believe that the "communications" laser and "communication" satellite are actually orbital weapons systems and the governments involved are simply lying to the public. If you're the type of nerd who's paid as close attention to the Geneva Conventions as you have to the correct ribbon order of U.S. Admirals, you'll notice the Aliens are _scrupulously_ obeying the Conventions and the human characters are breaking it in almost every possible way. And, given that the movie ends with the aliens seemingly have successfully called home, there's still the open question of what happens when the rest of their fleet makes it to earth.

[@joesmith1810]

one thing to note about the whole "finding the source of the signal" thing is that, assuming that the satellite was transmitting once every 24 hours (the maximum for some BS reason, I guess the scientists didn't know how to properly orbit a satellite for such a function), the aliens likely have sensors that could see the ground-to-satellite signal as they approached the Earth, thereby allowing them to ignore the satellite (which they likely identified as a repeater) in favour of the actual installation on the ground.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

If they got close enough at /just/ the right time, though.

[@joesmith1810]

@@SacredCowShipyards not necessarily, it depends on what speed the aliens are travelling at and what range their sensors have. If, for example, their sensors have sufficient range to detect such a transmission for the 16 days before arrival, and the transmission is fired every 24 hours, then they have 16 chances to detect the ground signal. But, of course, this is just me coming up with a patchwork reason after the fact. The reality is that it's just the standard BS popcorn flick, as you said in your video.

[@joesmith1810]

I imagine that the reason that most people think it is the anchor that hooks the ship in place is because of things like grappling hooks, which are a lot easier for someone to wrap their heads around. As opposed to thinking about how the sheer weight of a chain can hold a ship in place.

[@Furzkampfbomber]

I really don't care. I am fully aware that almost nothing in this movie makes zero sense in any way, shape or form, but I love it. Call it a guilty pleasure, but watching the Battleship smacking the alien ship with a broadside or a veteran with artificial legs beating the crap out of the alien soldier is just so much fun. And to be honest, I am still somewhat impressed that they actually managed to somehow cram the _game_ into the movie and even in a way that makes at least somewhat sense. So yeah, I still love this movie.

[@lechking941]

ya there is something to be noted with that.

[@warblerblue]

Moving a shipyard isn't easy. It's not like you can mount FTL engines on it and Jump to another sector in its current configuration.

[@barrybend7189]

Halo ghost of onyx and its mobile hospital ship: coughs uncomfortably.

[@michaelpettersson4919]

Why not? It would finally make the superstardestroyers in Star Wars make sense. Those are big enough for a standard star destroyer to be docked into its hangars.

[@thechroniclegamer4285]

@@barrybend7189 *stares in Golan platforms*

[@akstormtrooper508]

Fun thing about that, the Galactic Empire has (Imperial Sourcebook) has Deepdock Fleets, which essentially do

[@TheAchilles26]

*laughs in Daedalus Station from 04 Galactica*

[@Xenobears]

My personal theory on why the admiral’s ribbons are in the right order (as well as other uniform elements) while the scenario is so far removed from reality is that it was because two different people were in charge of things on each front. The uniforms were under the jurisdiction of the prop/makeup department, who obviously did some research to understand what goes where (and possibly why). The scene script was the product of a writer, one who couldn’t be bothered to research the actual consequences of striking a superior officer. So, they relied on their understanding of how things work in civvy law.

[@garrettmastantuono8043]

Feel like your taking a play out of Arch Warhammer playbook of indepth commentary. Thank you sir

[@klutzspecter3470]

At least there's no extra political fluff.

[@Gordon519]

@@klutzspecter3470 he has been doing a good job keeping that off of his main lore channel as of late

[@LasseROM]

Ah! I see a fellow Architect is enjoying the ranting of KZbinrs. 😀

[@Gordon519]

@@LasseROMyes

[@zephyr8072]

Arch. It’s just Arch. GW made him drop the Warhammer because of, you know, all the white supremacy.

[@hughsmith7504]

When I was in school after Boot camp, they had quite a few d.i.l.d.os. They were pretty chill people, some even got permission to join the fleet as command officers. Never knew you could be an officer to teach calculus to a bunch of blue shirts till then.

[@lechking941]

XD the fucking abrevation is just funny. now that i am seeing it

[@Binidj]

You are 100% correct about John Carter of Mars; the release of which, as I understand it, coincided with a change of some Übermaus at Disney who decided to shaft their predecessor's work so thoroughly that it made lousy box office returns. This was a crime of epic proportions as the film was that rarest of beasts, an improvement on the source material (and I really enjoyed the books) and deserved at least one sequel.

[@sethgilcrist8088]

When enlisted personal start as seamen. (Laughs hysterically in Marine)

[@SacredCowShipyards]

This is a Navy movie. No one asked about the Men's Department.

[@sethgilcrist8088]

@@SacredCowShipyards sorry I forget it was a chick flick.

[@DragonHEF01]

How would anything start? ALL FLUIDS(Fuel, Hydraulics, Water, etc) were OFF-LOADED before it went into the mothball fleet, let alone a museum ship.

[@Krahazik]

The meuseum, Battleship New Jersy has thier own youtube channel and a lot of usefull info about the battleship. The main center corridor between turrets 1, 2 and 3, known as Broadway, can be used to move rounds between the turrets. They have a rail overhead, for a drop crane system for moving heavy pieces of equipment and 16in rounds through the ship if needed.

[@kamaeq]

Trivia: It is against Federal law to impersonate a servicemember. That is why all US military uniforms in movies have errors, that often is done by scrambling the ribbons or wearing one upside down (common in serious movies).

[@Drave_Jr.]

Way more than I thought when you said we needed to make time.

[@thraxmador960]

I had never even thought about cell phone signals being a detectable emission from a naval vessel. “Rig for silent running and set all phones to airplane mode please”

[@shayminthedoctor9663]

Oh DAMN 2 hours? Gotta get my popcorn for this one

[@dinodude6992]

The dock master reminds me of 2 other veteran youtubers. Ones a marine veteran, the other is fort Polk veteran who's obsessed with guns The dock master is the navy equivalent, and I would like to see how he and Zach would get along. Ones all about guns, the other likes ships, or something. Both are grumpy, both have interesting stories, both most likely delt with incompetence within the military.

[@warblerblue]

Can you send me the links so I can check their videos out? Thanks.

[@dinodude6992]

@@warblerblue Their channel is called mikeburnfire

[@TheLostDefender]

@@warblerblue look up Mikeburnfire

[@jimskywaker4345]

Mikeburnfire

[@arcticbanana66]

Don't forget Combat Veteran Reacts/MHGR and OriginalHuman, a retired US Army MP and British Royal Marine Commando respectively. Paul did a podcast episode with Zach a couple months ago too.

[@Reynevan100]

Yes, Galactica got it right with the 'Galactica actual'. Man, now I need to watch it again. I love that show. SOUND POWERED PHONES GODDAMIT!

[@SacredCowShipyards]

They really got a lot right.

[@ChairmanKam]

I'm gonna be honest, this video made me MORE interested in the film then I was before. Great video. Be safe and bon voyage.

[@klutzspecter3470]

Well, looks like SCS is running from port Authorities after being caught up on too many cube related scandals. Hope everything goes well Dock Master.

[@hilleos5984]

I died at the getting pegged part, it one of those things where you just have to know.

[@blackc1479]

George Takei voice "oh my".

[@maximsavage]

This is the internet... Everyone knows.

[@hilleos5984]

@@maximsavage you make a fair point, because even if people don’t know, it’s only a google search away.

[@SerafineSilverstream]

I love how the Royal Navy at some point basically did away with conning towers because the officers refused to use them.

[@MandoWookie]

Didnt help the that the shipbuilders kept putting them BEHIND the stacks, you know right in the path of all the hot exhaust and smoke from the boilers. Who wants to hang out in a lookout position that is basically an oven surrounded by smoke you can't look out of?

[@Aelxi]

@@MandoWookie that is a mast you're talking about, completely separate thing from conning tower.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

The problem is that some conning towers were actually at the top of towers, not inside the bridge. Your languages are weird.

[@Aelxi]

@@SacredCowShipyards yea heavy emphasis on *some*

[@SacredCowShipyards]

@@Aelxi ... no, not really, actually.

[@HBHaga]

The aliens' light issue is interesting. The hummies were aiming the radio beam at the Alpha Centauri star system, setting the timeline of about 9 years (4.24 ly to Proxima, 4.37 ly to the Alphas). Alpha Centauri A and B are fairly Sun-like (one slightly bigger, the other slightly smaller). Proxima is a small red dwarf ... with an exoplanet slightly larger than Earth in it's tiny little Goldilocks zone. If these aliens came from some place like that their vision would be very oriented towards dim, reddish light. The G-class horror, indeed. :)

[@FakeSchrodingersCat]

For the spinney things it is simple first you get a hedgehog and a vat of blue paint...

[@blackc1479]

And meth. Lots of meth.

[@FrederickApollyon]

Making this movie was worth it just for this commentary to exist.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

ALL THE META.

[@TheCityofTownsville]

Well, there goes my productive afternoon. YOU SUNK MY SUNDAY!

[@angry_eck]

the signal comes at a specific time i think they could find the ground origin point

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Since it's just a ground-to-orbit hop, it's not going to be very powerful, and likely tightbeam.

[@gobstomperbow3517]

No one ever mentions about how the navy was told to sink some boats and they did but lost just as many boats. But you tell the army to take the hill and the army was like "ok... fine... but were only sending one guy... and hes not gonna have any legs! Dont want to go overkill on these idiot aliens."

[@renegadeceo]

As a USN CIWS tech, those are Block 1B version with IR track and engage so they can operate w/o any radar input. Also, CIWS search/track radar is completely independent from the primary ship radar but can take inputs (more like suggestions) from the ship.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

The movie came out in 2012, which means it was filmed probably in 2011 sometime, and B1B CIWS didn't fully saturate your Navy until 2015. Also, I couldn't find /any/ scene in the movie that had the VERY obvious IR camera mount on the side of the R2D2 section. So these are, at best, 1As, and not humie-driveable. Plus, humies would have had even worse kill counts against the pegs than the bot did itself, for a whole pile of reasons.

[@renegadeceo]

@@SacredCowShipyards Wooee this gonna be a long-un. I just forced myself to rewatch that part of this god-AWFUL movie... So, Mounts 21 and 22 on the Sampson (DDG-102) are B1b. Can be seen at the 47:00 minute mark, BUUT when firing the CIWS @ 47:35 THAT is a B1a mount. It is easily distinguished by its short barrels with that absolutely GOD AWFUL barrel-brace at the end, but then at 47:36 they cut to a B1b mount. The B1b can be told apart from a B1a by not only the IR camera and counterweight but also by the extended barrels with that sweet (but sharp, CIWS DEMANDS BLOOD!) barrel clamp that were designed for the ELC rounds that only B1b could use. Also, the *ONLY* tracers you will EVER see from a CIWS (same scene, 2 seconds later) are when its slapped on a truck bed and called C-RAM. God I hate this movie as a CIWS tech...

[@Progection]

Being taken out by a satellite is very reasonable, those thins can be a 1+ metric ton pile of tinfoil and wires(aka the grapeshot round equivalent) moving at the orbital velocity of 8 kilometres per second (lets skip addition of speed vectors from the approaching alien ship), and it is a lot, as in 10 times the canon projectile speed, and with E=m* V^2 /2, so total energy of 1 unit of mass is 100 times more - in the end it is an impact with a metric ton of pure murderous hatred in kinetic energy form, so for spaceships that can be destroyed with WW2 naval cannons, it was only possible outcome.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

They also deliberately auger into a functional concrete wall at barely sub orbital velocities.

[@noanswer1864]

Thanks for leaving us with a feature-length video to tide us over while you're on break. I hope you enjoy your break as much as I enjoy your content. We'll be here when you get back.

[@cheeseheadflipper]

Hopefully the move goes well. This was great I would love to see this format continue with some other movies

[@blackc1479]

We all know how it is with those imperial tariffs.

[@flameendcyborgguy883]

*snaps fingers* Now I know! You were on engineering duty! The same style of wording and behaviour as Zach Hazzard who was small arms repairsman, and to my knowledge the equivalent of f*ckery in navy is guys from engineering.

[@jesperohlrich7090]

I never thought that i would watch a 2 hour movie realism review, but i’m glad i did :) also, it didn’t feel like 2 hours :)

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Glad you enjoyed!

[@Persian-Immortal]

How to tell someone, 'they were in the navy without saying they were on the navy.'

[@chrisbaker8533]

Best of luck with the move, don't break any pylons. I think we'll be patiently(well maybe impatiently cause this stuff is freaking hilarious), waiting on the next installment of "Dock master rips something else apart".

[@hunterlopez425]

I’m disappointed there’s no “peg” counter on the top right 😂

[@SacredCowShipyards]

How many times do you /want/ to get pegged?

[@failedgrace2891]

1:12:06 I always called them death YoYos. Always love these videos and find them so immensely informative.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Glad you enjoy.

[@LAV-III]

Oh baby it’s sacred cow the movie

[@jayburn00]

Beams coming together to make another more powerful beam probably comes from the death star in star Wars originally (another potential video if you haven't done it). The only thing that comes close to that working is the national ignition lab fusion chamber and it just makes a nuclear fusion reaction. There was something like a proposal for a technology demonstrator laser weapon that used the laser induced fusion to power an even more powerful laser (think it was part of research for the SDI, aka star wars program), but pretty sure they never got to the point of making the final laser emission system.

[@panzerplays5959]

Quite to the contrary, you can drift a battleship. look up aircraft carrier sea trials, basically you go as fast as possible for a long time, the uss george Washington went for 3 days, then you throw the rudder all the way port then right back to starboard, and you drift. I would assume that if a carrier can pull it off a battleship could do it to. Feel free to correct me if im wrong

[@SacredCowShipyards]

That's not drifting. That's angle-testing.

[@panzerplays5959]

@@SacredCowShipyards could you enlighten me as to the diffrence, we always just called it drifting

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Carriers have keels. Really, REALLY deep keels. So when they turn, their continued direction along their original axis is... minimal, at best. Drifting involves starting a turn, and the going from the original motion axis, and shifting over to the turned axis. as kind of a smooth motion. Carriers just, y'know, turn.

[@panzerplays5959]

@@SacredCowShipyards thank you for the insight

[@voicetest6019]

This is fantastic. I am highly amused at the detailed description of a story about drag racing destroyers that never could have possibly happened. EDIT: Enjoy your break.

[@shivenlord]

spoken like a true not squishy compiled / constructed from the 01 April 1893 build specs.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Cicely Courtneidge I am not.

[@DoricV33]

The flying blenders was used before in an old Japanese anime show called Gundam : F-91 and they were used by the bad guys on civilians as well as military targets. I know this because I have that show on DVD. So I recognized them immediately. lol

[@frankbruder3097]

My personal head canon is that this film is an RPG campaign by the group from the webcomic Darths and Droids. Remember how Hopper said that he "has a bad feeling"? And when did he say that? Soon after they learnt that the aliens have goatees. Classic Jim moment. Annie obviously plays Sam. Pete plays Raikes. Not so sure about the others. I'd guess: Sally plays Canales. Ben starts as Stone, then takes over Nagata who initially was an NPC - though I could also imagine Sally doing that. Corey plays Ordy.

[@quentinking4351]

Regarding lightspeed lag: the film mentions that the aliens came from Gliese 581, a red dwarf which at the time looked like the best (possibly even good) candidate for a habitable exoplanet. Subsequent studies revealed said exoplanet, Gl 581g, was nothing but signal noise. Gliese 581 is 20 lightyears from Earth.

[@gokbay3057]

1:40:36 I mean, going inside the conning tower depends on the officer and the navy. from what I know what you said is indeed the case in the US Navy. But apparently many British Royal Navy officers did not use the connning towers as they valued visibility more than survivibility (also the fact that if the conning tower does get hit by a shell you are likely dead even if you are inside, it did protect against shrapnel unlike the regular bridge). Since British officers did not often use the conning tower they were removed from some later ships. 1:49:40 true, thought there are passageways in the battleships to move (by rolling on its side iirc) the shells from aft magazine/turret to bow and vice versa.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

They had rails in the overhead to facilitate moving the shells, which were even visible in the scenes.

[@VelociraptorsOfSkyrim]

This puts a smile on my face. Dockmaster, did you Cube a Tax Collector again?

[@johnwiebe8581]

O..M..G...This is the best episode yet!!! This is the very reason I love listening to the Dockmaster of SCS. Thank you for entertaining us 'aliens' about these 'squishies' navies. Glad they not up here yet though the comedy that will entail would also be super interesting to hear you discuss then! On a side note Dockmaster: avoid moving the Crab Nebula because, you know, Crabs are a pain. PS: I would love to see more episodes like this, perhaps with Real Military shows like Das Boot or PT109.

[@BrianRLange]

I have never understood not only why the Mo would have powder and projectiles, but why would she have had ANY bunker fuel to even fire up the boilers? Also, wasn't the anchor chain they cut away the port anchor? But that was the same one used for the BS power slide. Continuity error...but hey, it was in the plot. Another great video. Couldn't believe it was 2 hours long.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

The chain was just to tie it to the pier. I believe the anchor was still on a separate chain.

[@BrianRLange]

@@SacredCowShipyards Hmmm, usually mooring lines hold a ship to the pier because the slack can easily be adjusted as needed. Either way, a museum ship is de-miled after its naval service. Inductions are welded closed, so no water can even get in to the boiler, etc. All the fuel is drained, and live ordinance is removed. Along with any equipment still in use by the Navy. The Mo will never get underway under her own power again. Sad to say.

[@joshuamueller3206]

Compresses the movie into a cube.

[@andrzejwitowiak1353]

To sum it all up: Battleship - Hamsters on Crack :D

[@SacredCowShipyards]

And really pissed about it.

[@Mn-yh2bp]

The thing with the anchor chain was actually done in the age of sale. It’s called club hauling, but you’re right it would never work in this context.

[@Krieg8418]

We actually did a "drop port anchor" with a small sail boat. Basically: we pulled the stabilizing fin (don't know the English word) up, steered hard to port braced, and turned about 180 degrees very quickly, damn near on the spot. Then we had to quickly pull the anchor up to avoid issues. It was hilarious.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

"Keel fin".

[@Krieg8418]

@@SacredCowShipyards thanks. Translated from Dutch, we call it a "sword" . And for anyone wondering: we were using a Lelievlet.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

Your humie languages are WEIRD.

[@alaeriia01]

Ah yes, the Sea of Thieves Maneuver.

[@schwarzerritter5724]

The movie makes a lot more sense if the aliens just wanted to get rid of the less talented parts of their population. So they gave them some old ships that where supposed to be scrapped anyway, pointed to a random point on the galaxy map and told them to invade there while trying to hold back their laughter.

[@ajax_the_great1527]

I would like to point out that some of the scenes with BB-63 under way were not cgi. They were filmed before the ship was docked in its current location.

[@frankbruder3097]

At least I would say that this is the more enjoyable and more rational one of the two movies about goalless slackers who have defining character moments when hitting on girls in bars somehow leads to them getting their asses kicked badly but they defiantly refuse to give up fighting, after which they are talked to by characters who take on a kind of father role, who are officers in a type of military fleet and who get the slackers to also sign up for the fleet in which they eventually commit some violation for which they are about to be expelled when an out-of-context enemy attacks and in the unfolding events they end up as the acting captains of the only ships that still have a chance to stop the enemies.

[@grifnizzle7197]

Tim Riggins > alt reality James LGBT Kirk

[@SacredCowShipyards]

I rather enjoy JJ-Trek, but I am able to disconnect it from Real Trek.

[@grifnizzle7197]

@@SacredCowShipyards I hope the humie you assimilated into your AI matrix can no longer feel the pain of those words. That said I will grant I appreciate they actually made it an alternate timeline instead of bastardizing 'prime' Trek like STD and STP do. At least then the OG fans could choose to ignore it, or just enjoy it for the cheese. I rather like the Jason Bourne movies, but only because they are so disconnected from the Robert Ludlum books I can enjoy them as their own separate thing while still enjoying the (far superior) Ludlum story. Same for new/old Battlestar. Trek is fucked 6 ways to Sunday

[@frankbruder3097]

I didn't mean that as an insult to JJ-Trek (even though I am displeased with it) but honestly, I quite like Battleship. Just how come they copied so much of their homework from Star Trek? Both films also have moments with asian characters volunteering for a task, then, as they're getting prepared, the main hero asking said asian character a curious question about their relevant skills and getting an answer that makes them think _this might be a mistake,_ but the asian character then actually acing it. It may be that pretty much _everything_ has been done before and that story structures tend to follow established templates anyway. But you can copy bits and pieces from multiple films and books, and when using one as a main inspiration, pick a classic or a traditional folk tale!

[@jakeaurod]

Of course, the aliens would probably think popcorn was a weapon if they heard it pop.

[@tali3san337]

57:00 Damn this is bringing so many memories back of my 2 years at Garden Island in the 90s. I remember the Sea Wiz on our FFGs (close to the Arlie Burkes I think, Adelaide class I think). I remember the noise of it being tested in port! I went from 2 years of working as a civie at DoD to building my own ISP in the 90s (thanks to the confidence POs gave me). Talk about a pivot!

[@The_Viscount]

Many captains chose to stay on the bridge during combat as opposed to going into the armored conning tower.

[@Aelxi]

Yeah more situational awareness

[@Llangion]

A concise and thoroughly entertaining video I thank you.

[@SacredCowShipyards]

"CoNcIsE"

[@HBHaga]

Take all the time you need, Sir. Recovering from modular transformation can be a right PITA.

[@blackc1479]

Yeah, look what it did to the sdf-1.

[@seamus6387]

Ok, I gave you a thumbs up and comment for the Barsoom love. Love that series.