PORT EXCLUSIVE: Ray Winstone

Actor Ray Winstone tells us a classic East End joke about a couple of skint blokes who go down to their local boozer for a pint...

[@dranaswatad8773]

Love his cockney accent

[@CockneyRebel1979]

That ain't a Cockney accent, mush, it's a "Norf London" accent. He always reminds me of one of my uncles, the way he talks.

[@playuppompey2943]

Cockney Rebel The Legendary Ray Winston Is A Cockney, he’s from the east end, he’s an East Londoner.

[@CockneyRebel1979]

@@playuppompey2943 He was also bought up in "Norf London" for a time as a kid, not too far from where I come from.

[@CockneyRebel1979]

@@playuppompey2943 He talks exactly how one of my uncles- (from Edmonton), used to talk.

[@CockneyRebel1979]

@@playuppompey2943 He might be an East Londoner, but to me, that sounds more like a North London accent.

[@davecurtis4520]

Right, there’s two spivs in Victoria Park, in Hackney, Charlie and Harry. On a Sunday morning - boiling hot day - walking through the park. Charlie says to Harry, he says “Harry, I’m gasping”. He says, “I’m really thirsty; could do with a pint” he says. ”But Harry,” Charlie, he said, “I’ve got no money”. He said, “We’re both skint, we’ve had no money for weeks”. He said, “Don’t worry about that” he said, “We’ll have a walk around the park, see the ladies pushing their prams around the park with all the kids, and we’ll go in The Cricketers, down by the canal”. He went, “Alright, lovely, sweet”. So they have a walk round the canal - see all the girls - bump, bump, bump - into the pub, just opened, and there’s the barman, behind the bar. He says, “Morning boys, what’s your poison?” He says, “Morning Governor. We’ll have two pints of your coldest draught lager and lime, please”. He said, “Certainly, boys”. There’s a pint of lager; puts a bit of lime in it - bing, bing, bing. He said, “That’ll be four pounds and seventy-five pence, please boys”. He went, “Thank you very much. Excuse me, Governor, before we go any further” he said, “in that picture behind you” he said, “is that your wife?” The governor says, “Yes, it’s my wife. Why?” He said, “No disrespect, Governor” he says, “she’s a beautiful looking woman. You’re a very lucky man”. He went, “Thank you very much”. He said, “The two kids in the picture, are they your kids?” He went, “Yes, of course they’re my kids, what do you mean?” “No, I’m not being funny,” he said, “they’re fine-looking children - lovely - a girl and a boy - beautiful - fifty-fifty”. He said, “The dog in the picture,” he said, “is that a Red Setter or a Labrador?” He said, “It’s a Red Setter”. He said, “It’s a fine-looking beast”. He said, “Thank you very much”. He said, “The cottage in the background, is that in Devon or in Cornwall?” He said, “That’s in Devon”. He said, “You are a very lucky man”. “I know that; thank you very much. That’ll be four pounds and seventy-five pence”. He went, “Excuse me, Guv’, before we start,” he said, “I paid you the four pound seventy-five, before we started the conversation”. He said, “Did you?” He said, “Yeah, I did”. He said, “OK, son”, so he walks away. “Here’s your pint, Harry”, he said. He said, “Thank you Charlie. That was a bit of a liberty, wasn’t it?”, he went. “No, don’t worry about that”, so they drink their pints… The governor’s looking at them, polishing the glasses, thinking, ‘I’m sure I’ve been fucked here, somewhere’. … So they drink their pints, and he says, “Foor!” he says, “I could do with another pint”. He said, “Leave off” he said, “I bought my round. It’s about time you bought a round”, he went. “Shut up. He ain’t gonna stand for that twice”. He said, “Get up and get a drink”. So up gets Charlie; walks over to the bar, he says, “Morning Governor”. Governor says, “Morning, son. What’s your poison?” He said, “I’ll have a pint of lager and lime, please, and one for my mate”. He said, “Certainly”. Pours it out - wallop - on the bar, bump, bump, two bits of lime. He said, “That’ll be four pounds seventy-five pence, please” he went. “Hold on, Guv’,” he said, “in that picture…” he said. “Before you start, I’ve heard it all before,” he said. “In that picture’s my wife - my lovely wife - and I love her to pieces”. He went, “Alright”. He said, “In the picture’s my two lovely kids, a boy and a girl - fifty-fifty: lovely”. He said, “The dog’s a Red Setter, not a Labrador, and the cottage is in Devon, not in Cornwall”. He said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, guv’; I’m only waiting for my change”.

[@mustangs7]

I just keep coming back to this when I need some lovely comedic motivation from Ray. Still not sure if I get the joke, but it's still LOVELY and makes me laugh. We need more content from this man.

[@connorwalsh624]

How can you not get it? Charlie and harry both blagged a pint off the landlord

[@Cryptocenturion_1]

It’s the way Ray tells em!! I laughed way to hard at that joke🤣

[@BENKYism]

"Mum, what's that say? You know, that sign above Daddy's head?" She said, "Nil by mouth."

[@rbentrdr]

I adore Ray Winstone. Cheers from Texas!!

[@davecurtis4520]

Below is a transcript for the clip. I transcribed it for an English language lesson on dialects and someone else might find it useful, if they were to do the same. If so, Enjoy!

[@rodrigosampaio6679]

Cheers, Dave. That was really helpful. I'm an English teacher and I'll use this clip for an English lesson... I was struggling to complete the transcript. Nice one, bruv!

[@marcmckenna4956]

Absolute class Ray!

[@jenniferkingsbury1674]

Love his jokes, very funny man :-)

[@drummer66y]

Signed in just to hear Ray again, to say thanks, and to say to @DeanieBoi07, right brother. Thanks daddy!

[@NoddyMaccy]

Ray is the fucking daddy!

[@elijaprice]

I wasn't expecting to laugh out loud, but I did! Although what's actually funny about this is that brits consider it perfectly normal to drink 2 pints of lager in the morning.

[@benstevinson764]

Ray Winstone is Cool! 😎👍

[@heeturtlegames1037]

I agree

[@benstevenson4832]

ray winstone is cool 😎

[@benstevenson4832]

quality classic joke cheers ray

[@HerAeolianHarp]

Love Ray Winstone.

[@kebabremover6024]

If bulldogs could talk, this is how they'd sound!

[@James-mn2pk]

KZbin's automatic subtitles generator : There's two spills in Victoria park in acne, Charlie and airy, on a sunday morning poorly not, they working for the park. Charly sister airy, he says "Harry I'm golfing", he says "I'm ready first", he could do with a point, he says "look Harry" Charlie he said "they've got our money" said "we're both skin, where no money for weeks" he said "don't worry about that" he said "whatever won't when a park see the ladies pushing their prams around water kids, we're going a cricketers down bought the canal" he went "all right lovely" so ever walk when the canal, see what the girls bump bump bump into the pub...

[@aceto1900]

Ahahhahaha! This is best xD

[@mustangs7]

:)

[@lordsalisbury1]

If it's £4.75 for two of the same drink they must cost £2.375 each, so I think the barman should be more worried about his maths tbh.

[@benstevenson4832]

ray I would like to shake your hand you would be a good friend I respect you!

[@Paul-fq9pj]

class act

[@PSmitherman]

That’s mint👍

[@ThesleeplesswandererBlogspot6]

That was so funny XD

[@wynwilliams6977]

love it!

[@tombooze74]

Like the suit Ray

[@nickn8302]

I'm from America, I only understand about 75% of what is being said

[@yeahokyep]

Don't Care hahaha good one :D Admittedly, I didn't understand the joke either. I didn't even know it was a joke until the end there lol

[@CockneyRebel1979]

Us Londoners talk very fast, that's why. What bits didn't you understand, mush? I can always translate for ya, boy.

[@mustangs7]

That's what makes it so great!

[@nickn8302]

@@mustangs7 Revisited this after 7 years. Maybe I've matured but I understand it 100% now. Us Americans are a little slow you know.

[@mohammadrezaalikhani5772]

@@CockneyRebel1979 could u please tell me the transcription. I'm trying to learn cockney accent. You would be of great help if you do that mate🙏🙏

[@kevinfield3891]

a true londoner

[@garymorgan1597]

£4.75 for two pints . How long ago was that . You would be lucky to get a decent packet of crisps 'Uckin nowadays .

[@tomashize]

I dont know why that made me laugh so much. It is of course, all in the telling.

[@SICK47]

Harvey Winstone

[@NelsonClick]

...and to think millions of women around the world and even some men cream their jeans over this one. Sex appeal. This is it.

[@IsaacJamil]

I have a boner everytime I see him

[@Myfavoritecuties]

Funny voice and accent

[@brokenwrist999]

£4.75 for two fucking pints in London? Bollocks.

Cockney Rebel stop calling everyone mush in these comments you fucking toby, we get it, you’re a cockney, well done.

[@tomkot]

I didn't get the joke :/

[@StereoSnakes]

2.375 for a pint? Odd price innit. Love this though.

[@CockneyRebel1979]

Sounds pretty cheap for a pint in bloody London, mate! You should be so bleedin' lucky, nowadays, mush! o.o

[@Gabriel-hs9mv]

It’s the old days!

[@mohammadrezaalikhani5772]

Dear cockney fellas and those who could figure this out. I'm trying to learn cockney accent but I still don't understand some parts of his speech. Can anyone give me a hand here?🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@shahree100]

😂

[@liquidsky3145]

Was the barman trigger from ofnh

[@CockneyRebel1979]

As long as it weren't Del Boy, or else, he'd probably fall through the bar again, rather than stand behind it.

[@31lafouine]

FUCK ! I managed to understand everything and as the French I was quite proud ! Everything but the last fucking sentence !!! It's killing me ! I don't know what you're talking about ........................................................................... me change

[@UngKristen]

+31lafouine ...guv, i'm only waiting for...

[@31lafouine]

Thanks, you're the guv'nor

[@tarekdarwish8241]

I don't know what you're talking about .. I have been waiting my change"

[@pvtrichter88]

I'M ONLY WAITING FOR ME CHANGE!! are you still trying to suss it out there squire!!~?

[@farosblue8157]

👍

[@marcusss27]

I dont get it

[@CockneyRebel1979]

He's waiting for his change when neither of the two blokes paid to kick off with. It ain't funny if you've gotta have it explained to ya.

[@CW-dl2dd]

Oh yeah I forgot. English jokes are fucking long as hell

[@youknowthemroundcirclethin9036]

0:52 Can I have a drink, mate? Mate? Can I get served here, mate? Can I have a drink? Yeah.... I want-- Can I get two--? No, three. Three pints of lager. And.... Three vodka tonics and a drop of scotch. Half a lager and lime. Three vodka tonics, yeah. Slice of lemon in them. And put an olive in that. You got a tray, mate? Yeah? A tray? No, I want half a lager. Half a lager. Yeah, lager and lime. That's right. How much? Ain't you got no ice? You got no ice