POWER WORD : SCRUNCH

[@willythebeer]

First time player surrounded by veteran improvisers

[@themostrandompersonever7166]

“What do you mean cast ‘create water’ in their lungs?!”

[@papapaladingamingnstreaming]

Wonder how I'll do as a DM bwahaha, my players aren't ready for maximum bullshit

[@benzles8492]

@@themostrandompersonever7166 THEN FREEZE!! Water expands when frozen...

[@meatlogman]

I cast pee stored in the balls

[@alstoyle]

My goblin shaman when Ulamog gets sent back in time by Teferi after 4 literal mountains get turned to dust by his Cthulu powers.

[@Alyrael]

I love the implication that wizards with proficient enough knowledge can just make shit up and it works.

[@ElltSwellt]

Well yeah, that's what being a wizard is; You know enough then make shit up

[@mikssityar3363]

Its not really an implication, thats how the class is primarily played: arcane knowledge. Learn enough and you can mash things together to cast at any unfortunate sod

[@omega1575]

All that matters is how creative you can be, and how well you can convince the DM it would work or be awesome

[@MiIIiIIion]

Once upon a time, "frostbite" was just some shit a wizard made up.

[@TheAnalystKing]

Me and my party somehow got "Death by lactation" as a spell after using some fuse sh** with cows

[@theexchipmunk]

"Powerword: Scrunch" has the same energy as the sword named "The Throngler".

[@nullblasterthevoidmaker1750]

What the fuck does Scrunch do!?

[@Mothbean]

​@@nullblasterthevoidmaker1750Ever heard of the Byford Dolphin Incident?

[@nullblasterthevoidmaker1750]

@@Mothbean I have not. Please enlighten me.

[@Mothbean]

@@nullblasterthevoidmaker1750 I'd recommend looking it up if you want to get a better understanding of it, but the extremely short version is that it was a diving accident that resulted in what's known as "explosive decompression"; the area where four divers were resting was instantaneously decompressed from 9 atmospheres to a pressure of 1 atmosphere, killing all four of them instantly. There's a photo of one of the bodies from an autopsy and it's genuinely hard to tell that it's a person in the photo because of how badly the pressure mangled them.

[@nullblasterthevoidmaker1750]

@@Mothbean ok, I know what explosive decompression is. That is a horrifying mental image

[@eleli23art32]

I love how all wizards are designed almost the same but have enough differences to tell them apart, I'm genuenly loving this wizardcore

[@aaronsmith5947]

Power word: scrunch guy has a hump back. He's just getting revenge

[@oddbush]

what would wizardcore music sound like🤔?

[@Tururu134]

Please don't discriminate wizards

[@T_Way]

​@@Tururu134you wizards are all the same

[@vexx80000]

​@@oddbushIt's just Electric Avenue on loop

[@PunchgodZo]

“The Ten hells or some similiar shit” is such a wizard statement

[@kaelbanico3497]

oh yeah? *_THE ELEVENTH HELL_*

[@PunchgodZo]

@@kaelbanico3497 😂

[@kaelbanico3497]

i cast change spit taste

[@ekaterinaegorova492]

@@kaelbanico3497 u monster

[@jellythebard654]

​@@kaelbanico3497you bastard! I CAST MANUAL BREATHING!!

[@krkngd-wn6xj]

At low levels, you are casting magic. At high levels, you are committing it.

[@kwith]

"The camera didn't even go on to him" That's when you know you're fucked.

[@DripGokualt]

Nahhhh because if I heard someone say power word scrunch I would run

[@MrKoffeeKup]

@@DripGokualtYeah, getting scrunched is the least of your concerns. You use your spell slots and GTFO

[@LittleCart]

mfs got offscreened

[@mergenocide]

Inconsequential levels of arcana

[@davidryke113]

Even the cameraman knows he'd die if he went there and we all know the cameraman never dies.

[@n00battak3r]

IM OUT OF SPELL SLOTS *Affixes bayonet to staff*

[@theelementalgamer5910]

Just as the Founding Fathers intended...

[@designator7402]

Remember: Switching to your cantrips is faster than a long rest.

[@KadRSP]

​@@designator7402 ... I hate you. Take the like, and get out.

[@CattyCatboi-eg9ho]

I may be outta spells But I ain't outta shells

[@Zalioscraft]

Aint that just a spear at that point?

[@onegenericman]

I cast pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder. You will be traumatized by shit that hasn’t happened yet.

[@Tinkering4Time]

That’s just anxiety. XD

[@Ponyman-1997]

​@@Tinkering4Time Super anxiety

[@seanmurry6903]

Underrated comment

[@notmyrealname1999]

During WW1 (Wizard War 1) they used the term "Spellshock" to describe the condition of Wizards that had been particularly mentally affected by battle, it was by the middle of WW2 they started to use the acronym PTSD (Post Traumatic Spell Disorder)

[@sanuelkessler8435]

Absolutely brilliant!

[@borisrusinov3980]

This is gold

[@jeffreysanders612]

Thanks, I'm absolutely stealing this for my own purposes

[@marmyeater]

I'm taking this.

[@donovanchin1559]

Yoink, mine now

[@xrli82]

He isn't experiencing shellshock, it's spellshock.

[@Actual_real_ValStrax]

Shiot

[@mbamichael9848]

Someone should make a game out of this short named that :>

[@bananabread9260]

Thousand bard stare

[@blazejkowalczyk9570]

Post Thaumaturgic Stress Disorder

[@chiefunderachiever]

What's with all these fucking wizard memes?

[@tomlostinspace_]

This is what basically happened in the DnD lore that locked mortals out of spells over 9th level

[@TheCrazyCapMaster]

Yeah some guy decided to win their war by replacing a god, but basically picked the only wrong choice of god (original goddess of magic) to kill and replace, so he almost fked over the entirety of magic 😅 as in, the new goddess of magic was able to salvage the structure. Then she put that 9th-level cap in place. But fun trivia: now she’s dead too, so does that rule still hold? (I hear from lore videos that it’s not even a true cap, just that she gets to decide if your attempt should succeed and she didn’t share all the rules about it with folks.)

[@siritalis4956]

​@@TheCrazyCapMasterI don't know much about DnD lore, but I have an Arcane Cleric/Wizard in BG3 whose ultimate goal is to become the new Mystra

[@RevokFarthis]

@@siritalis4956 Do want The Spell Plague pt. 2? Because that's how you get The Spell Plague pt. 2.

[@theatagamer90]

​@@TheCrazyCapMaster She's not exactly dead. Just kinda... In-between from what I recall. The first Goddess of Magic is also the new Goddess of Magic because wizardman didn't want her dead as much as he wanted to take her in the biblical sense. He's now a stone because he royally fucked the world by trying to turn himself into a God to achieve aforementioned goal. Least that's what I remember from the bits of lore I last saw.

[@marcusc9931]

Yea, getting all magic in the world disabled for maintenance for 3 minutes is really bad when your civilisation lives in flying cities.

[@benjaminocampo6895]

Average Magic The Gathering Get Together

[@Sm0lPerson]

New spell: gather too closely.

[@Maliwans_Executive]

It really is, and it's lovely

[@icyskelly204]

Yea it do be like that

[@n.henzler50]

There's always the one guy who gets mana screwed and is maybe playing a chump blocker or two while everyone else is leveling continents.

[@RoboticMothBlade]

Me summoning a literal eldritch entity that distorts reality just by existing so I can beat my friends in a small squabble

[@singularity1130]

All top graduates from wizard school have at least one entry in the Geneva convention dedicated to them.

[@DefectiveDetectiveGaming]

"BY THE POWER OF STALLIA, EXECUTING POISON!"

[@lazymillennialjobseeker9282]

Mengele casts Power Word: Fuse

[@samzorn4656]

Graduates from the Canadian wizard schools: "You mean the Geneva checklist, right bud?"

[@ChrisKetcherside]

Meanwhile the Texan wizards: you know that they made the Geneva conventions because of us right?

[@ZeroFormLak]

¨BY THE FIRE OF BAKERY AND SWEET SUGAR RUSH, I CAST CHOCOLATE BERSERK FLAVOR¨

[@smokedorangutan261]

imagine turning the floor to ice and see just a bunch of old men sliding all over the place shooting spells in random directions

[@GamingHero2099]

Visually? That would be hilarious to see. Practicality? Maybe not the best idea considering you could get a randomly blasted by a meteor spell

[@1st2nd2]

My brother and I regularly turned the floor to lava. Our parents must have invested in some heat-resistant furniture.

[@elifromdavis]

"ALCHEMICAL SHIFT" (every atom in tour body gains 1 proton)

[@olakpasa6486]

Well thats absolutly horrifiying

[@elijahford3696]

This is atom bomb levels of wizardry. Nothing survives it.

[@Erhannis]

This sounds like the "what if the moon were replaced by electrons" xkcd

[@dangerousflyer4485]

Fuckin hell😭

[@sr.favopossodeixarvaziosim4595]

Wait a fucking second... so all the oxygen in the body turns into Ozon. Damn that's can't be good. At least the water in your body just becomes more alkaline.

[@BunnyNorris]

When you lied about your experience to your employer

[@ryanclemons1]

"Yeah, I can cast wish" "So?" "The one without the L in its name" "Right this way sir"

[@michaelmaier7262]

"...when you lied on your CV about your previous sheepdog experience..."

[@luigidreemurr6034]

How else you gonna get hired in the economy?

[@Merilirem]

Eldritch Knight thinking they can handle a wizard War. Forgetting that high level wizards in a group setting do not care about your martial prowess.

[@Risetosovengarde]

When the employer lied in the job description

[@Here_is_Waldo]

Everyone thinks magic would be cool, but the horrific stuff people would do if they had that sort of power...

[@lollikabosso.w.n7153]

Give me magic, Ill give you 30 minutes of a footage of wizards fighting a war on the moons of Saturn for no particular reason

[@Here_is_Waldo]

@@lollikabosso.w.n7153 Which would be visually cool, until someone decides to make magic Unit 731.

[@thelordofthelostbraincells]

​@@lollikabosso.w.n7153there's people like you who would do SHIZ like that vs people like me who would just cast sleep on myself so I'm not tired

[@Eternal_870]

​@@lollikabosso.w.n7153 give dis boi some magic

[@thatmeme1360]

*"Behold! The 7 Seals!"* *Every hole on their body seals leaving only their eyes to see the horrors befall them*

[@Skuffd_Lad]

Oh man. That is messed up.

[@Skuffd_Lad]

Follow it with “Full Lower Intestines” for maximum result

[@เมลเม๋ลเม๋ลเม๊ล-ฃ3ฏ]

I have no mouth and i must scream

[@TopHatProductions115]

@@Skuffd_Lad Bruh, they already have "Mend Buttcrack" XD

[@DeadwaveCarrier-oc1wo]

Or would every bodily fluid build up and eventually find its way to the eye sockets? Oh no, this wizarding shit is wild...

[@magne7771]

You know there's one guy out there spamming Power Word: Cancer or something

[@ClockLock]

"THEY MAY SURVIVE THIS WAR BUT WAIT UNTIL THEY PISS BLOOD FOUR MONTHS FROM NOW"

[@Zote-true-knight]

Power word throngle

[@brianfahrner1534]

Power word: Lupus

[@fburnsDubstepEnderFox]

Power word: diarrhea (area effect, -caster)

[@DarkAbyss-em5ly]

Personally I would be casting power word Karen and turning everyone into the worst version of a Karen

[@SeventhGod77]

Personally I like to cast “vortex of bone disintegration” and “undo gravity” as my go to spells.

[@ericb3157]

that reminds me of a Dresden FIles short story, wher Harry cast a "focus gravity" to FLATTEN a vampire!

[@raskal8112]

For those wondering about power word scrunch: go find a soda can, preferably full. Set it on the floor, and drop a cartoon anvil on top of it. That's roughly what power word scrunch does to a person.

[@ethanlasitter1669]

Oh….. can I un cast a spell

[@magne7771]

What about Smush

[@raskal8112]

@@magne7771 that one's more like a wet sponge simultaneously hit by two cars

[@Naev0w0]

​@@ethanlasitter1669 you can try and counterspell it... but you better hope you succeed. You're only gonna get one chance.

[@ethanlasitter1669]

@@Naev0w0 screw counterspell, I just make out and pin the caster to a wall

[@blakeduckly2875]

Dude that would make a great ass movie. Imagine a Saving Private Ryan Normandy-esque scene with several lvl 20 master wizards just doing the most heinous spells of all time.

[@wisemankugelmemicus1701]

MEND B U T T C R A C K

[@keiichimorisato98]

Not a movie but a series of novels, the Spellmonger series is great. The main character wizard who is a war veteran. The series has lots of battles and extremely creative uses of magic and it's applications in war. Even though warmages are a common thing on the Battlefield in this series, the common foot soldier is still an important aspect, especially since there are very few warmages.

[@justinkennedy3004]

Some kind of long form video media of that exact idea, executed seriously but with it's horrifying absurdity intact, is *the* unfulfilled promise of d&d that was implicitly made to 80's and 90's kids. The only reason it hasn't been done is, same for a proper 40k grimdark movie, hatred of the fan base. I can't prove it, have no inside knowledge, but like Deadpool 1 proved, not making something like this is stacks of money left on the table and endless series of possible sequels. Only hatred can justify this.

[@Jamhael1]

POWER WORD: *ÖRGAZM*

[@Монс-й1ь]

​@@keiichimorisato98 who is author?

[@McBehrer]

"or some similar shit" is such funny phrasing, it makes me laugh every time

[@Tinkering4Time]

I cast RANDOM BONES (every bone in target’s body teleports one inch in a random direction; I didn’t come up with this).

[@michaelmcatee221]

Question: can bones teleport into other bones? And do the vertebrae typically sever the spinal chord?

[@Tinkering4Time]

@@michaelmcatee221 I presume yes to both, as implied by the original meme where I saw this spell.

[@sonnywilson748]

@@michaelmcatee221whatever happens, fukin happens

[@SkippertheBart]

Power Word: Fresh Water purifies all the salt out of a person's body. Not pretty. Edit: I think JIGGLE BONES is a better spell name.

[@NickWrightDataYT]

@@SkippertheBart FRESH WATER OUT OF FLESH WATER

[@BreakfastCroissants]

“Testicular torsion” and “mend butt crack” were the tip of the magic iceberg.

[@Chokah]

Remember "Tungsten Ballsack"

[@HeyyMakarena]

I cast "Summon Ketamine Ape"

[@dragong33k]

GREATER BAJA BLAST!!!!!

[@stephweasenforth7891]

Tungsten balls was pretty good too

[@deadmercy3113]

After casting mend butt crack, cast instant taco bell aftermath.

[@hkayakh]

Wizard from 9th grade: “I’m gonna have to pull out my notebook spells for this” Other wizard army: we surrender

[@duobizarrobizarro]

Meanwhile, the Lich on the background, casting Power Word: Fall.

[@boss5718]

Would that just cause people to fall over? Cuz “fall” in this context could have a few different meanings.

[@danklegosi6084]

EEYYYY the Lich showing up and just casting a power word was one of my favorite moments in adventure time

[@curnott6051]

It's a reference to a cartoon called Advrnture Time, where the big bad, known as 'The Lich"' can just say "fall" and instantly K.O people. Similar to a Word of Power.

[@genericname2747]

Then he gives you a gold star :)

[@ballsinspector42069]

"POWER WORD: SCRUN-" *_"SLEEP."_*

[@Shadow_Microwaive]

I CAST “SHOE IN PEBBLE FOR ETERNITY”

[@ethanlasitter1669]

Shoe in pebble?

[@incognitomode940]

The eternal shoe pebble where there’s the permanent feeling of a rock in your shoe but you can’t get it out

[@Goldenkitten1]

You monster......I respond with "Step on Lego piece for all time!"

[@ethanlasitter1669]

@@Goldenkitten1 you heathen, I CAST LANDMINE SHOES

[@soul_sticks2755]

"Shoe in pebble" Now any shoe you wear will get encased in stone instantly, I guess?

[@NorthernWind0]

Never forget the Wizard War. It's one of those things where you never really know what the worst part was. The Geomancers that could *be* the ground under your encampment were the worst, surely... But then you remember that time someone managed to get off "Rain of Rhinoceri"... Or maybe the worst part was the ten way mana drought that happened after Archibold the Lizard Wizard managed to summon the Leyline Drinker from beyond the veil. All of these were certainly terrible, but if I had to pick a worst moment, it was definitely when that two of those three unknown archmages managed to sneak behind enemy lines and cast Harmonic Triangulation on the primary battle lines, forcing all front-line wizards to dance in time until four days later, when Bebble the Black found the focus stone they buried in the guts of a dead familiar a half-mile out.

[@mareksicinski3726]

Rhinoceroses

[@demoneon9527]

When you’re in a protagonist war and you ain’t one buddy

[@FelixEvers06]

if they were protags the camera would go onto them tho

[@emberchan8025]

Ah a fellow doom

[@Монс-й1ь]

"You are my special"

[@JBishop0]

Imagine casting frostbite on a guy just for him to cast "mend orifices". Shit would be pure hell.

[@daydreamer1167]

Literally

[@austinteal3645]

"I cast! 😡" "Gonorrhea!" 💀

[@techpriest6962]

*You think that's messed up, imagine being the necromancer who has to put those wizards back together.*

[@olakpasa6486]

I am the necromancer and I'm having the time of my life , just a few more corpses and they will behold my ultimate creation Ultimate amalgam construct: Great undead chthonian. They are not ready

[@otakon17]

...where are all their goddamn tibias!?

[@olakpasa6486]

@@otakon17 hey, creating a 700 pound abomination requieres a lot of bones, and tibias just so happen to be very resistant.

[@CountDVB]

@@olakpasa6486 And then a wizard gives you like tongue cancer during the incantation and you botch it up near the end

[@olakpasa6486]

@@CountDVB I would be very mad if that was to happen

[@MediHusky]

We crested the hills and I heard it. 'Snakes for legs'. I hit the deck, my battalion wasn't so lucky. All of them, eaten by their own snake legs. It was like some fucked up oroborus. Then he cast snake armor, I didn't stick around to find out what that looked liked.

[@theguywhoseinsideyourwalls9153]

I'm noticing a theme here...

[@ScpfoundationO5-2]

POWER WORD: *magpie*

[@MediHusky]

@@ScpfoundationO5-2 Australians: Ah nah yea they're all fucked now.

[@ScpfoundationO5-2]

POWER SENTENCE: *RED BACK SPIDERS WITH WINGS*

[@chilltheawesome7542]

​@@ScpfoundationO5-2 you sir have won

[@HiranoMagu]

A war full of wizards is literal hell. You mostly expect war-cry, but all you hear are people chanting their spells like some cult meetup.

[@man5262]

ww2 except wizards replace artillery

[@HeyyMakarena]

And then everyone explodes

[@Merilirem]

Except they aren't chanting together. Its all different shit with maybe a few groups casting massive spells together.

[@marcusc9931]

@@man5262 Saga of Tanya The Evil?

[@man5262]

@@marcusc9931 yeah, and some of them dualclass and channel some divine miracles like clerics

[@X-SPONGED]

Time traveller: "Excuse me, kind sir. Would this be WWI or WWII by any chance?" Wizard: "Wait, there's a SECOND one!?"

[@DeathMessenger1988]

That kind of scene in movies and series is always a killer. "...One? What do you mean World War ONE??"

[@HerobrineMC4267]

I need to see a War with all Level 20 Magic Users. Third, Half, and Full Casters. I wanna see Wish being cast left and right to warp reality while the Artificer is rolling up in literal Iron Man Armor

[@defensivekobra3873]

Infinity similacra permanent ancient gold dragons duking it out

[@strykertron232]

I'm writing up a setting that is just Iron Harvest/Scythe by Tolkien/Gary Gygax and I'd imagine it would be somewhat similar to this. word of the wise, summoning circles and flashy spells are very easy targets for artillery and sniper fire.

[@HovektheArtist]

The warlock with their cult summoning some otherworldly eldritch being that may or may not be a god and turning everything into tentacles and black holes that scream

[@tnuoccaekafsi9808]

And that's how you write the prologue to a post apocalyptic antimage story.

[@Soupxo3vr]

artificer makes a fuckin liberty prime and lazers everyone

[@DystruktoBoi1]

The voice actor that screamed "The 10 hells" put his all into it though, you can actually hear it in the background.

[@ryan8592]

They got off easy, 5 groups to the left, I heard some goofy, clown sounding guy shout: "I CAST GUN! PREPARE TO MEET GOD!"

[@moviefan2236]

I heard that one too. Then when I looked over, a space squid was summoned and squid napped him. Terrifying shit.

[@brunopagnoncelli975]

I got this reference

[@nightcrawlr1035]

THE SPICE MUST FLOWWWW

[@Deletusyouryeetus]

Chuckles!!

[@fnafpro1236]

Geneva Convention? More like Geneva Suggestion -Chuckles the Clown

[@bananabread9260]

Thousand yard stare❌️ Thousand bard stare✅️

[@minceprime]

thousand spell stare

[@patrickolson9089]

And now everybody's pregnant.

[@Kayriel]

Kinky.

[@artyd42]

Summoning 1000 bards is equal to casting Instant Orgy. The minor difference is bards don't roll a saving throw.

[@trentenkessler7670]

Don't worry I can end this with a single spell, I cast the spell Organ shuffle

[@00.28.]

I cast the spell: Sudden Appendicitis

[@oliverkim6610]

Every day I'm shuffling

[@arnerademacker]

@@oliverkim6610 I read "Organ shuffle" and I thought of the musical instrument first. So you're not too far off

[@valariecasteel8041]

​@@oliverkim6610Saying that is the verbal component.

[@Mrtophat2]

AHA YOU TARGETED MY FAKE ORGAN SPELLS

[@DukeFresh]

The definition of “Random Bullshit, go !”

[@MurcuryEntertainment]

I cast 'seal urethra' followed by 'fill bladder'

[@ron133.]

HORRIFYING sentence

[@AtholAnderson]

Don't forget to add 'Mend butt crack' and 'Power Word: Shit'

[@patrickhill3253]

Forgot to finish with 'Perpetual Hemospermia'.

[@thelordofthelostbraincells]

​@@patrickhill3253what's that spell do?

[@Grey-imposter]

​@@ron133. I cast "Mend Buttcrack" then "Eternal explosive diarrhea"

[@Warlord_Gruktak_Rukrak]

WW2 -Wizard War 2

[@smartestAss]

Tf happened durring the ww1?!?!?

[@miajajajajajajajajajo]

Wasn't that what rowling named the war in harry potter?

[@MD.Akib_Al_Azad]

​@@miajajajajajajajajajoNo that the 2nd _Great_ Wizard War some regular old wizard war

[@dawiddulian2403]

Electric Boogaloo

[@thenerdbeast7375]

Power Word Scrunch is to offensive spells as "the Throngler' is to melee weapons.

[@antuanyammine1537]

Casting inverted "flesh to stone" on a mountain, then an "astral cut" to drown a valley in blood, and then dispelling concentration on the first spell to turning it all into stone

[@aaronbennett3966]

That's epic

[@ericb3157]

that reminds me of a Xanth novel, where the protagonist accidentally brought a mountain to life. the spell was supposed to UNDO a "stone to flesh" booby trap his opponent had set for him, but his opponent ALSO switched all his spell icons around, he meant to cast a "magic compass" spell to help him find his quest objective.

[@javiercasas1565]

You know you are fucked when you start hearing the obscure power words, like power word: crumple

[@astormofwrenches5555]

My favorite of all power words was Liquify.

[@sanuelkessler8435]

Power word: deposition. Gases will turn straight into solids by passing liquid. Have fun trying to cough dirt out of your lungs

[@BigWarthog]

As a guy who read about other power words I say that Power Word Kill was made by a very kind, merciful and humane guy

[@yahia098]

What about esoteric spells

[@jackiechan715]

**POWER WORD: AIDS**

[@JujuInFlames]

Need a rated R wizard movie, shits scary when creativity is involved

[@Zeke1460]

I cast “holding in your emotions until you forget how to express them and it destroys your marriage”

[@andreww.3757]

YOU FIEND!!!

[@js1741]

😂it's funny because I'm living it currently!

[@Anonymous-hx3pu]

Alright then, I cast "being so terrible at communication that every coworker hates you and intentionally goes out of their way to sabotage you"

[@AussieGriffin]

@@js1741 I cast hug at 3rd level. (Anything higher would hurt and 9th level is know as Power Word: Glomp, resevered for anime cat girls. O_O) A.G.

[@wooblydooblygod3857]

I CAST JUMBLE ORGANS

[@Banana343-y9h]

Just watch out for the deadly combo mend butt crack and power word shit

[@peytoia]

oh thats HEINOUS

[@HeroOfTheHolySword]

@@peytoia that is a Tier 10 War Crime

[@bobbertsonlarz1743]

Mend toes plus Power Word: Dance followed by Command: Continue till death, just for good measure.

[@zer0zer0nin9]

“Yeah the blue guys do ice, the red guys do fire, those yellow fucker’s’ll shock ya~ but you don’t wanna go within sight range of the brown wizards, you see ‘em just leave. What? No, idiot the robes- that’s not the point, you’ll shit to death.”

[@LordieJr]

​@@bobbertsonlarz1743 Make it rain

[@pipecleanermaster]

Based on my research, power word scrunch transforms the target into an accordion while still being human. Then it summons an ethereal clown with epilepsy. The accordion is tapped to the clowns hands, and the clown takes a trip to a rave. No explanation of what happened next is needed.

[@nullblasterthevoidmaker1750]

Dear God. I'm sorry I asked.

[@hanro50]

Legend says he was the only one to survive....

[@randomnobodyxbot7795]

That would explain why the spells we have now are mid

[@EnbyOccultist]

@@randomnobodyxbot7795Isn't it because Mystra is a lazy bitch who's too busy kidnapping toddlers to properly supervise mages?

[@dmitriyrasskazov8858]

@@randomnobodyxbot7795 They are not mid, they are minmaxed for survival, anything better wizard wars starts again.

[@nickwolfe6684]

​@dmitriyrasskazov8858 🤣 theyre not mid the fantasy version of the Geneva convention was just signed specifically banning fucked up personal spells

[@evilsclone2499]

​@@randomnobodyxbot7795 yeah I'm fairly certain in dnd the God of magic litterally had to ban magic users from getting to powerful; since a human attempted to subsum her as THE LITERAL GOD OF MAGIC. That's like using fire to challenge the God of fire, but you wanna know the worst part *HE ALMLOST SUCCEEDED* .

[@dawall3732]

The great wizard war is the reason. Earth has no more wizards. Merlin called in his army, and all of them left and never returned.

[@Tinkering4Time]

That, and according to the Pistis Sophia when Jesus ascended he altered the alignment of the cosmos, making it so magic only works at particular celestial alignments.

[@Merilirem]

@@Tinkering4Time At least he didn't kill the god of magic.

[@daysand123]

Everyone talks shit until one wizard casts obliterate footwear and summon floor of legos

[@rubeniscool]

Power Word: Skin Sack. target's skin detaches from their body and it's like watching the fleshy equivalent of a cat trying to escape a paper bag.

[@benjaminoechsli1941]

Meanwhile your nerves are _screaming._

[@bradleybarnett1469]

The Kishin from Soul Eater lol

[@rubeniscool]

@@bradleybarnett1469 I think so? Like.. the person is still inside their skin.. but it's saggy and loose and no longer attached to the musculature. "fits like a glove" definitely no longer applies lol.

[@Shady_Guyy]

Dear God it's auful

[@austinmoe4865]

jesus christ that's horrific

[@F0r3v3rT0m0rr0w]

Reminds me of the sorcerer war in Discworld. The problem is most of them would sit in towers throwing spells at each other's spell walls and the spells would bounce off onto the common folk. Eventually, they got bored and made pocket dimentions and vanished.

[@emetanti]

"It had never struck him that evolution works in all kind of ways. There were still quite deep scars in old buildings that showed what happened when you had the OTHER kind of wizard." Love Discworld wizards.

[@F0r3v3rT0m0rr0w]

@@emetanti RIP one of the greatest writers of our generation.

[@iVirus2222]

It's all fun and games till someone starts casting "Infinite passing kidney stone".

[@3-valdiondreemur564]

I need a whole ass series about the wizard war. Second time I've seen something with this cursed AF war scenario, and I absolutely love it.

[@yahia098]

What was the first?

[@Corbfr]

Power word "scrunch"

[@ethanlasitter1669]

What does that mean?

[@AndragonLea]

@@ethanlasitter1669 Imagine someone taking a piece of paper and crumpling it up. Only that paper is a dude in a robe.

[@blastortoise0785]

If I heard that in public I’d probably run for cover, just in case they actually knew how to scrunch

[@ethanlasitter1669]

@@blastortoise0785 MEND BUTTCRACK

[@Naev0w0]

​@@ethanlasitter1669 in fantasy settings, and D&D in particular, there is a type of magic known as "power words" basically magic that is the caster speaking one incredibly potent, powerful word in an arcane language. There are ones like "power word: stun" which stuns the target, "power word: blind" which blinds the target all the way up to the highest form of power word magic "power word: kill" which will instantly kill the enemy. Power word: Scrunch... well... it would scrunch the target. I imagine something between trash compactor and crumpled papers. But id like to not imagine it at all.

[@93Teejay]

That's fucking wizard Normandy

[@SerialSnowmanKiller]

"I cast Meatier Swarm!" *Everyone in the field of battle is pelted with a hail of ground beef.*

[@resurrekt7114]

Wouldn't that be air beef?

[@SerialSnowmanKiller]

@@resurrekt7114 Hmmm. Or would it be Fire Beef? The only one we know for sure it ISN'T, is Water Beef. EDIT: Actually no, because now it's hailing... like frozen water. So it has a claim to all four elements.

[@resurrekt7114]

@@SerialSnowmanKiller THE AVATARBEEF

[@WalletWorrier]

Wizards in fantasy warfare are like nukes IRL Now I'm just imagining a fantasy Cold War between two kingdoms amassing wizard armies

[@Merilirem]

The one with the most liches wins.

[@blumind_web2264]

@@Meriliremloses, you mean they lose because liches tend to go mad/insane and tend to act out of their own selfish motivations, for example, if you have 20 liches, they’re going to starts fighting one another just for the fact that one of them wants ALL the power of the others so really you just end up with one super liche who’s going to conquer the workd

[@Naev0w0]

​@@Meriliremno... no. Not really. Litches are evil, insane and greedy by their very nature. No sane, rational mage goes "hmm yes I want to perform nightmarish rituals and become a skeleton for the rest of eternity" Nah, it's something only the most vile, evil and depraved souls seek, and even then, only the legendarily greedy and selfish would go through with it. If you put two litchs in a room together... well you're gonna have a burnt down room and two angry litchs in a few min.

[@warlok363]

... Literally the backstory of Greyhawk setting. Look up The Twin Cataclysms.

[@pearcehubbart3767]

I've been so inspired from this shit that I wrote the beginning of a story with a world that had to develop after great wizard wars. They had to ban magical warfare and set up a peace Corp of mega wizards that are kept under intense binding vows.

[@jaskawal2967]

Try out throwing "lisping" and "floppy fingers" to all your surrounding wizards 😂

[@reddart179]

1. Flesh to stone 2. Stone to mud 3. Purify water 4. crazy straw

[@mendenhall0239]

straight up drank his ass...

[@AllanHinman]

This is evil

[@reddart179]

@@AllanHinman "wanna see me drink this guy?"

[@AllanHinman]

@@reddart179 yes and no

[@reddart179]

@@AllanHinman to bad I'm already casting.

[@Darkmage1293]

Wizards in D&D: "Fireball!" Mages in World of Darkness: "I cast FUCK YOU" "OH GOD WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ohhhhhhhh now I get it."

[@austinkersey2445]

Oh? I haven't played the WoD Mage TTRPG yet.

[@blade1hunter100]

​@@austinkersey2445 Mages in WoD are basically "I can and will do whatever the fuck I want"

[@KelltheTitan]

Then there are the Call of Cthulhu Wizards. Anyone who knows what exactly the Necronomicon really is and wants it anyway is not someone you want to encounter.

[@theenderdestruction2362]

​​​@@blade1hunter100until reailty bitch slaps them which whilst sound like it wont happen it actually can cause paradox and viva la fucka you magic makes no sense (had to do that to get it pass the censors)

[@ShadowFoxSF]

​@@austinkersey2445I had world of Darkness mages described to me as something like "unlimited cosmic power in a teeny tiny living space" I played 1st ed New World of Darkness (now called Chronicles of darkness if you go digging) Mage, and got to do junk like turn a 4lb bag of sugar into a 4lb bag of 'nose candy' to cover up some supernatural crime scene. another person in a different event managed to give the whole group a redo on a turn so we could take different actions and apprehend a guy before he escaped magically. old/classic and new/chronicles run a fair bit different from each other though.

[@Martial_Autist]

Wizard wars are all fun and games until the guy across from you casts power word: peel.

[@Kia044]

You see me now a veteran, Of a thousand psychic wars…

[@TatsuZZmage]

I've been living on the edge so long Where the winds of limbo roar

[@MadMorgie6318]

And I'm young enough to look at And far too old to see All the scars are on the inside I'm not sure if there's anything left of me

[@TheRealNormanBates]

@@TatsuZZmageand I’m mean enough to look at, and far too old to see.

[@ParkerClements-jb3cu]

Homie stepped out of the prologue and straight into the final boss battle

[@IgnobleKin]

*dies off camera to the power word SCRUNCH*

[@urdrthenornir]

all it takes is one casting of Bestow Curse: Testicular Torsion and I'm out.

[@oliverkim6610]

Nah 💀💀💀

[@rollerskdude]

This joke never gets old 😂😂😂

[@FinalDisnerd]

Testicular Torsion casters are always acting tough, right until a wizards casts MEND BUTTCRACK!

[@galanopouloc]

This is actually quite a serious matter. The Testicular Torsion has been explicitly banned and it's considered a wizarding war crime as outlined by the Great Convention of 1921. Even the idea of casting that spell you put most people on the international wizarding wanted list.

[@nickruffin4622]

C L I T O R A L C O M B U S T I O N 🧙‍♂️

[@braetekburns8125]

After the horrifying wizard wars, magic like this was outlawed... and thus gave rise to the goofy magic.

[@Scarletraven87]

Magicka PVP: (magicka was made by Arrowhead guys. It's fantasy Helldivers before Helldivers existed)

[@HammboneBob]

Scruntch makes you flatten like an accordion and shit out your spine and ribs.

[@Rasnec]

I summon thee my magic weapon, *The throngler*

[@the1oneyeetus415]

You wouldn't dare

[@stevetopop2028]

NOOOOO, NOT THE THRONGLER, Anything but that 😱

[@Protect_all_ljf3forms]

No that one was banished for good reason

[@collinnicolazzo2065]

Dear God not the throngler

[@wingofunny]

Heh, the shorter the name, the stronger it is, I cast ED. (guess what it is)

[@nightops5898]

Power word: *Permanent psychological itchiness*

[@WorldsInMind]

I remember I DMing a group of four mages. Had great adventurers but wanted to see something more "earth shattering". I showed them a war between two mages guilds. Forced enlistment (magic glyps showing your guild allegiance were not just for show) and then 200 on 200, with a couple of lvl 20+ on each side. After the first round of mass combat (~1.5 h of everyone around dying) our group (8 to 10 lvl) wanted just to flee as fast as possible, if still possible. Thankfully, the glyphmaster on their side died, so they had a free will back and could do that. After they managed to escape, some with missing limbs, I continued mass combat but this time with players help. Took about 5h. Out of 400, 293 died, 53 fled, out of 54 remaining no one with max hp. Good times, good times

[@Getwipedboiii]

My ass hearing about the War: "Power Word: NOPE"

[@farpopcorn1565]

I like this because it explains how when people made characters who were in a great wizard war it explains that they were not the big gun they were the survivor

[@hogfry]

The petty wizards are the REALLY scary ones. Imagine hearing "unzip shin splints" or "I CAST: TAX BEES!" No thats when it gets real!

[@IanB.2022]

As someone who has had shin splints before, that is horrifying in the best way

[@creature_has_d13d]

Cloth to Acid, Power Word: Peel, Skeletal Polymorph (like regular polymorph, but it only changes the bones, so that the new skeleton won't fit the rest of the body), Heart Mitosis, Eye Spin (causes the target's eyes to begin rapidly moving torsionally. This is both disorienting and painful, and will result in the eyes twisting themselves right out if nobody stops it fast enough), Nailbugs (causes the target's fingernails and toenails to burrow into them and crawl around like bugs under their skin. The nails will aimlessly dig around, scratching their way through flesh and organs, until their host dies or the spell is ended), etc. etc.

[@lazymillennialjobseeker9282]

This list is making me realize that failed spells can be nearly as effective as successful ones. Many of these wizards might be new recruits given just enough training to not hurt themselves with their “failures.”

[@RabidEditz666]

why do the sounds make it funnier

[@TheWrldThruAutsmsEyes]

Next he hears "with this treasure I summon"

[@GabrielMathis-h4j]

It's all down hill when some one says power word grind.

[@tarlaihope]

What grind?

[@blackcat09tails55]

​@@tarlaihopeyou know how you move your teeth back and forth on each other is called grinding and there is a tool called a power grinder? I imagine it's a combination of them

[@KaaneDragonShinobi]

turns your opponent into the stereotypical sigma and sets them forth upon an untenable grindset that leads to their ruin terrifying spell

[@wolvie1618]

It's all fun and games until your opponents start twerking on each other like high schoolers at prom.

[@scormern]

​@@tarlaihopeWhen you ride a skateboard down a railing, it's called "grinding "

[@EmeraldCheetah-QC]

Full Body Randomizer! (Every portion of the target's body gets shuffled with any and every other potion. Organs, bones, nerves, you name it. Imagine someone's eye gets replaced by their kidney, all their skin gets packed into the space of one tooth, all their hair replaces their left femur, etc.)

[@marcusc9931]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/epDIlIOoq5uJjNk

[@shinraset]

I think the only reason that he's still around for these observations is someone has already enchanted him with. Power phrase: Plot Armor!

[@asdf-23512]

hes the cameraman too

[@zealouschristian2428]

Leave exactly one witness. You can’t demoralize the other side if there’s not a very traumatized witness to tell the tale.

[@Stopscrolling.P]

"i cast permentaly warm pillow"

[@sanuelkessler8435]

I'm fairly certain everybody will gang up on you even your own men

[@cthonisprincess4011]

*Gasps* You wouldn't dare 🤣

[@Anonymous-hx3pu]

Hold on now, nobody deserves that kind of pain.

[@numinous123]

You fiend! Now my head will be all sweaty at night!!!!

[@GradientOfUnpleasentness]

Jokes on you I like warm pillows!

[@Joseph_Drew_III]

Scrunch, eh? Just be thankful he’s not S C R O N C H ing.

[@AbC-pj2op]

Remind yourself that overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer

[@saggynards]

😭

[@jimijenkins2548]

The blood pumps, the limbs obey!

[@josephlongbone4255]

I saw some level 2 sorcerer trying to cast "mildew" and then get counter-spelled by "the Throngler". I keep finding more pieces of her every time I go back to the trench.

[@BALDBOI99]

Man my ass was in the middle of casting fireball and manual breathing and then a group over someone yelled "I CAST CRYSTAL SHIT!" And heard screaming from a guy shitting out a crystal while bleeding from the ass and then their lungs imploded from screaming in pain then 9 groups over someone grabbed a megaphone and then used power word: no knees then everyone's knees exploded! I need to get the fuck out of here too

[@OneBiasedOpinion]

Really?? Come on. “The Throngler” was _complete_ overkill there.

[@josephlongbone4255]

@@OneBiasedOpinion efficient manner conservation is not a concern to some of these higher order magicians, they seem to draw it from the ground...

[@DeusX121]

In this wizard war you have to do everything to survive my spells are set to "turn into woman" and "eternal period pains"

[@josephlongbone4255]

@@DeusX121 I mostly rely on the trusty combo of "undetectable", "banish status effect", "counter-counterspell" (no one expects you to parry a parry) and "tormented rain lvl 36."

[@ismaeljimenez6562]

I CAST MEND BUTTCRACK followed by INFINITE DIARRHEA

[@RoyalStarlord]

It'll go downhill from there when the sorcerer whips out The Throngler

[@FredbearOfficial]

Power world: scrunch Surrounding wizards: Become golf balls, hockey pucks, baseballs

[@---xk8cp]

Perfection. Laughed so hard I teared up. Needed a good laugh today thanks. Subscribed. More like this one please.

[@JonoFunk]

I curse you with "Eternally hot pillows!" you will never sleep comfortably again!

[@TriassicPendraig]

NOOOOOOOO I cast deleting all you online acounts

[@JonoFunk]

@@TriassicPendraig How dare you cast the forbidden "Touch Grass" spell on me!

[@TriassicPendraig]

@@JonoFunk im a master of dark Internet magic (:

[@evolgenius1150]

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[@TriassicPendraig]

@@JonoFunk I CAST !!! REVEALING BROWSER HISTORY!!!

[@cameraman4549]

Think about this; casting Frostbite in a literal sense is very fucking deadly- and Poison 2 is also pretty good because even some weaker poisons (Poison 1) are capable of killing people. He's trying his hardest, and he's doing a good job.

[@KaaneDragonShinobi]

wizards aren't exactly known for investing all that much in constitution. a little dispel magic on whatever defenses they threw together, and suddenly they're choking to death on their own blood after a smidgen of Level 2 Adder's Kiss.

[@UekawaOhira]

@The_Real_Oppai_Sama Level 20 Abjuration wizard that only casts Magic Missile offensively

[@jayjay86443]

Hahaha I remember my first wizard war. Someone casted Blazing Entrails and a man vomited _all_ of his organs out, including the brain, and they exploded with fluoroantimonic acid taking out 15 platoons in one area. Charlie's face became a skull, yet he lived a year and a half. He was never able to taste or smell again. It took me 8 months to relearn how to sleep after self-casting Forever Awake.

[@Macabre_Melody]

This is probably best explanation of Battle of Sodden Hill from The Witcher books

[@ignoronb7880]

Uhhhhh yeah War Casters are literally Scary as fuck

[@canisarcani]

POWER WORD: TRIGEMINAL NEURALGIA

[@milome1532]

You can only say one word

[@canisarcani]

@@milome1532 fine. POWER WORD: CUCKED

[@Akabans999]

​@@canisarcani cute, have POWER WORD: ALCHEIMER

[@OppositeSneak17]

Power word: Oppenheimer

[@Nova11435]

@@milome1532 POWER WORD: SHIT.

[@skeens85]

We need more of the wizard war!

[@ShadowCatGaming26]

Me: Are we sure there are Geneva Conventions for this? Canadian Wizards: Nah

[@Jennacide.]

"Scrunch!"