Pretend That You Love Me

A film about dating, love, art and pain.
Support -
Patreon: / joelhaver
Paypal: bit.ly/2ZI7uff
Social -
Instagram: / joelhaver
Drawings: / joeldrawsandwriteshaver
Letterboxd: letterboxd.com...

[@Joel-Haver]

I've been working on this film for almost a year now and am beyond excited to finally share it. It is a deeply personal film and I hope it can offer people some sort of catharsis like it has for me. The film will be available here, for free, indefinitely, I understand if you choose to come back and watch it some other time. Thanks for your time and, as always, if you make a movie I'll watch it too. EDIT: Thank you for all the lovely comments, I’m reading them all and doing my best to respond. I recommend watching the movie before reading the comments as they might give too much away.

[@KeegansLife]

I love this movie so much. Forget forest gump, this is my favorite now.

[@interwebbs1]

This is an excellent film, you should be very proud.

[@Beginnerss]

Far too relatable/desirable movie. Seeing this made me realize how much i still have to improve. Thank you and screw you! My poor comfort zone.

[@christopher6600]

I just stumbled upon one of your shorts tonight, binged watch a bunch of your other shorts, and then came across this. I genuinely wasn't sure what to expect, or if I was even willing to dedicate an hour and a half towards watching this. I'm glad that I did. Holy shit, dude. I'm blown away. I have felt things in the last hour and a half that I haven't felt in years. And I have felt other feelings that I have never felt before in my life, with the realization that I should have let myself feel these things years ago as well. Goddamn. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you for making this, sincerely. I look forward to seeing the rest of your work, and whatever you make in the future.

[@samuelclaessens7699]

I love this movie. Absolutly amazing Joel! I saw it yesterday and I’m thinking about this movie the whole time! I only know you 3 days sinse I got the ‘NPC’ video recommended and I started watching you and your dads stuff and I fell in love with this channel! I discovered your dad was dead in this movie and I saw his Snapchat stuff... I’m really sad about it even though I didn’t even know your dad personally! I can see how you are so funny, your personality seems based on his! Amazing... sorry I’m saying this like I know you or something but I just wanted to say these things in one comment🙃 You deserve every follower! KEEP UP THE GREAT CONTENT!!!!

[@ToomanyFrancis]

"I'm not sure if this is too soon, but, do you wanna see a magic trick?" That's definitely going in the arsenal.

[@Mactakun]

The care package

[@Squishito]

The loadout

[@Anachronixhiphop]

That line got me!

[@milkgotzgames]

That was genius plus humor gets the ladies hyped especially if you look like a confident fool

[@natureclips5849]

Best way to date a girl: hire a bunch of models to make a film.

[@femaldavid]

Honestly the fact that he's coming back almost a year later to read comments shows how much he cared for this piece. From watching the comedy bits I definitely wasn't expecting to see a whole movie, but I couldn't be more satisfied that this video exists.

[@RedHairdo]

He cares a lot about most, if not all, of his pieces, though. He still is going back to read comments on all of them. I'm sure now that his channel is blowing up, this will become harder and harder... But best of luck to him. The recognition is well-deserved.

[@bigflx2754]

Almost a year? 6 months is almost year 🤔 but Ye it is pretty cool that he still is reading the comments

[@zh9664]

@@bigflx2754 yeah, "almost a year" bruh it was 6 months... thats half and half is no where near "almost"

[@tylerdurden629]

7 months is not a year

[@zh9664]

@@tylerdurden629 your original comment was "7 months is not a year, dumbass"

[@ShaneLouisArmstrong]

"I have all the shirts now." Just hit really hard emotionally.

[@c4n4d4]

whats that sensation you get in your throat when youre choked up? Is there a word for it other than choked up?

[@Halofreaks9524]

@@c4n4d4 verklempt seems accurate

[@FiLtheThriL]

I thought he said shorts.

[@WatOnsonn]

I first thought this was a joke, then I finished watching the whole film. Damn.

[@TomFewchuk]

That's where I started crying

[@kait711]

This film is absolutely incredible. Never have I been so suspended in disbelief at acting, to the point that I’m still questioning what was real and what was scripted. I even cried, which I haven’t done for a film in like a decade. Beautiful.

[@colinstevens2462]

This man didn't watch Paddington 2

[@mathcas]

@@colinstevens2462 I doubt I’ll ever think about Joel the same way after learning about this

[@trident7852]

Omg its kait hivemind

[@NoahReadsSlowly]

I feel like I shouldn’t be watching this. Like this is someone’s private footage. But I also feel like I shouldn’t be watching this because it’s my footage. Ya know.

[@cameronstrommen1714]

at first I thought this was going to be Lo-Fi music and when it wasn't I was going to change it but something drew me in maybe it was the amateur film style but the more I watched it the more questions I had but I don't know what kind of questions to ask to resolve my curiosity whatever this was meant to be you nailed it.

[@wudly9195]

I cant relate. I haven't had a girlfriend in forever

[@NoahReadsSlowly]

@@wudly9195 I’ve been single for almost 4 years brother. Feels bad man

[@Dolphin._.]

@@NoahReadsSlowly try 11 years. Step yo game up, kiddo! 😎

[@Ceelker]

@@Dolphin._. Try 24. Rookie.

[@THEFRISKIESTDINGO]

"Do you have people you talk to, about your... life and the shit that goes wrong?" I took a break for an hour there.

[@esterhammerfic]

Also: the women who were in this were either a) fantastic actors or b) willing to put themselves in an emotionally vulnerable place for a guy's film about his own loneliness, either way they should be applauded

[@ZomboyFever]

Do you know if theyre actually actors?

[@esterhammerfic]

@@ZomboyFever if they weren't before, they are now, this is a real film

[@carvman217]

@@esterhammerfic beautiful way to put it

[@levimatulis6955]

They are actors because you can see the microphone transmitter packs in their back pockets at certain moments.

[@Sebbir]

@@levimatulis6955 i know its unlikely but it could just be that the girls agreed to let him record the date before hand

[@BigJoel]

Jesus Christ man this is an incredible film and you should be so proud!!!

[@Joel-Haver]

Joel! It’s definitely one of my works I’m proudest of. Thanks so much for giving it your time, it means a lot to have another Joel watch it❤️

[@vassilidario8029]

Love to see the two best Joels being supportive of each other

[@BigJoel]

@@Joel-Haver :-)

[@mjr_schneider]

You just relate to it because it's about a Joel. Jk I relate to it too and I'm not even a Joel.

[@manamejeffbeezos]

OMG my two favourite joels, boys support boys, and joels support joels.

[@Noblejimjam]

Besides being an emotional wreck, Joel's sock game is on point for this entire film.

[@Evan_C.]

Is that some sexual innuendo or a reference to his socks?

[@jhakardballoch2986]

I think sock game has a direct correlation to sex appeal

[@flagretateglaplagar4351]

@@jhakardballoch2986 No bruh, it's just about his heckin' stylin socks.

[@ryandejesus236]

@@flagretateglaplagar4351 l

[@LittleFifth]

I needed to read this comment it helped dry the tears with laughter

[@CloudMolester]

This is the type of film I absolutely avoid watching. It's simply too personal, hits too close to home and actually makes you reflect. This is why I avoid these. That was amazing. I wasn't going to sit here and watch the whole thing, but here I am. Awesome work.

[@Joel-Haver]

It certainly is not an easy watch and I don't blame anyone who can't make it through. With that said, I'm happy you stuck it out. Thanks for giving the film your time

[@gregneal5737]

Oh my god I am exactly in the same boat, I thought hey what's this? 1.5hrs later here I am and I haven't cried so much in a film in a long time.... Joel you are absolutely incredible at what you do. That was amazing, and so relatable and honest. I am so glad I watched that and thank you so, so much for making it.

[@Bobotv1000]

Very well said , брат

[@carsonkoenig9710]

Same

[@dantonwatson3297]

This is the type of comment I absolutely avoid reading. It’s simply too personal, hits too close to home and actually makes you reflect. This is why I avoid these. That was amazing. I wasn’t going to sit here and read the whole thing, but here I am. Awesome work.

[@Would131]

You lured me in with Marshall, The Town Rat, and sucker-punched me with this. In all seriousness, this was beautiful, man. Movies are always about the boisterous, amplified portions of love stories or life journeys; portrayed as every day needing to be a new chapter when really life is more of an epic. Not enough attention is paid to the small, quiet moments that set the foundation for the actual substance of any type of relationship. Thanks for doing that.

[@tadwood8521]

The exact same thing happened to me, with the same video. KZbin algorithms work in mysterious ways. I'm glad they lead me here, through.

[@guodan.]

same here. damn this was a watch...

[@ethanackroyd5944]

A crime most foul

[@thereisonlycis3566]

Yup I watched replaying an rpg last night and instantly subscribed.

[@darbiboi4156]

Marshall is a criminal now....

[@droughdough]

Joel, I was friends with my partner for years. I knew she was the one after we watched this together and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said it was beautiful. (Obviously I knew well before that but that solidified our shared appreciation of meta-narratives and appreciation of different kinds of love.) So thanks for giving me a two hour conversation about this film with the person I love.

[@Joel-Haver]

That’s really beautiful and special, thank you for sharing. I wish both of you the best❤️

[@Horzinicla]

Is everything going well?❤

[@HonsHon]

​@Horzinicla nah he messaged me directly, and he said she wouldn't get out on that ice with him. Since only real couples do that, he snapped and attempted to throw her off a bridge. She climbed back up though and he tried to play it off as a joke. But, she wasn't buying it. Sad times honestly.

[@NonSoSmartPerson]

@@HonsHon Am I high

[@purple_ray88]

wtf@@HonsHon

[@GrandmasterofWin]

Jesus. This is so damn vulnerable and honest. It's ironic that Hollywood films are so sterile and impersonal that they can show such high stakes stories and it doesn't phase me emotionally, but just an awkward pause in this has me on the edge of my seat or legitimately uncomfortable. I think the future of honest, human art is going to be online and fragmented. Thankful to live in a time where anyone can make and share a film. Thanks Joel for putting yourself out there. I'm inspired to finish my silly youtube projects now.

[@Joel-Haver]

Beautifully put, the future of film is imperfect and human and fully in our hands. It’s such an exciting time to create because the obstacles are less and less external, forcing the artist to look inward to challenge themselves. Thanks for watching. Finish those silly KZbin projects!

[@nicklane9032]

@@Joel-Haver Thank you so so much for all of your creativity and engagement with your audience man :)

[@LowdownBoy]

@@nicklane9032 I really want to echo your response. I feel like I could dap him up because he's so personal and emotional. And thanks OP for your artfully put and thoughtful comment.

[@whyisthisathing5816]

@@Joel-Haver please tell me where you buy your shirts

[@The_Power]

Dude, you took your heart cut it open and wrapped it around this whole thing. This whole thing bleeds emotion, you poured yourself into this and I can't hold more respect for you.

[@sixstringedthing]

"you took your heart cut it open and wrapped it around this whole thing." Now that is amazing. Well said.

[@Bobbyhiddn]

The last scene would break me too. "I'm paying for something I deeply desire. This woman is here to fulfill the role I have asked her to play, and she is doing it perfectly. Yet all of this is a lie of my own creation. The best she can do is to continue in the act, yet with every word she says, she drives me further into despair, as I believe her performance." "What do you need to feel good?" I need what you are pretending to be. The kiss was dreadfully, but beautifully painful. Of course we desire that physical intimacy, but the pain of knowing it means absolutely nothing once she leaves is abysmal. "At least you have a sense of humor." "You can't lose that, can you?" Pretend that you love me, until I forget we're pretending. That realization of waking back up is the pain.

[@pdfpockethole]

This review is everything I wish I could have said. Thank you.

[@motttta]

Beautifully put

[@heyst13]

God this is a great commentary

[@tommyaguirre3479]

Micah your analisis on the kiss at the end was so fucking ACCURATE. Great comment man holy crap!

[@darklordsteph]

Thank you Micah, everytime i read your comment i cry ugly tears because i realize how lonely we all truly are

[@billymilgate9706]

This is probably my 4th time watching this film, I seem to always come back to it when a moment in my life has some sort of similarity to the film, and I find it really comforting. This film has such a wild way of capturing a odd style of reality for films involving romance, especially in comparison to other romance films with their fast paced relationships very fictitious ideas of romance. Its just something about the slow burn of events that is really special, the quiet moments where you think the take should've ended and the long pauses are deafening. I really enjoy this film and will come back yet again.

[@Joel-Haver]

It’s an honor that you would rewatch my movie four times, thank you Billy. I’m happy that it could provide something worth revisiting for you❤️

[@The_Irish_Rover]

I like this. I feel lonely and I’m scared that everyone I love will die one day. I have autism and I don’t how to talk to people. I’m scared. I cried watching this. I’m going to miss my parents when they pass. You made a good film.

[@Joel-Haver]

Thank you so much for watching. Life can be scary and lonely and unpredictable and I really don’t have an answer beyond that it is for everyone. Take comfort in knowing you’re not alone in your uncertainty and don’t be afraid to lean on others when you can and let others lean on you. I wish you well

[@The_Irish_Rover]

@@Joel-Haver thank you.

[@knoelle1357]

I’m scared, too. I think I understand how you feel. My mom is my best friend and I have always been so scared of losing her, as I feel she is the only person who loves me unconditionally. I feel like I have nobody else. This past October my ex boyfriend died of an overdose, we were each other’s first loves, and we had stayed friends for 17 years, then reconnected in 2018 and started dating again, up until lockdown. I stopped talking to him three months before he died and I regret it horribly. This film felt really cathartic. You’re not alone, if you ever need to talk to someone, let me know.

[@aichatastic08]

you won’t be alone, i promise you. you’re amazing ! ❤️

[@andysux1]

Sending good vibes your way ~~~~~~ ヾ(･ω･*)ﾉ

[@JREG]

Art

[@sirgreyspear]

Hi Jreg. Didn’t think I’d be seeing you here.

[@headcrabn5347]

From Memeanalysis to Joel Haver, I think it's concerning how much my tastes align with the Jreg

[@andrewolson1586]

Real recognizes real

[@pernalonga-chan2747]

JREG WTF???

[@raymickens440]

Lovee to see all the Art this platform brings together.

[@user-yr8ge3fz8o]

The line between media and life is so blurred here. This is really boundary-pushing in that regard. A lot of people say that modern technology does more to isolate people than connect them, and sometimes that's true. But you've used it to open a window into your life and your feelings and thousands people of people found their reflection in that window. Because like, it's not the cleaned-up and larger-than-life thing we're used to with most movies, just real and true. Lol, there's a cheesy analogy. Art is like a window, if it's not too clean it's also a mirror!

[@Joel-Haver]

I love that analogy, dirty art is my favorite art! Thanks so much for checking out the film, I really do think the internet has such profound potential for extremely personal and real stuff that you can't be made anywhere else. In many ways it has realized that potential, but not pushed it. I hope a film like this can provide a tiny push and encourage others to push as well. Wish you the best

[@JackOLanternBob]

@@Joel-Haver I definitely feel inspired by this to try to make some something with some of the same style.

[@TheFos88]

@@MrVal024 giggity

[@batbite_]

I find it interesting how well you portray how suffering is overdetermined: One thing doesn't make us suffer, a lot things together does.

[@josephferris2737]

This movie felt so real that I found myself questioning multiple times whether or not a scene was real or scripted. The scenes with your dad put a knot in my throat and all the awkward and silent scenes made me feel anxious. The final scene literally brought me to tears. There is so much heart and soul in this movie and it was an amazing contrast to your silly short skits.

[@shabchow8d661]

No filmmaker ever made me want to make films as much as Joel does, this is a masterpiece man. Everything he does is awesome.

[@CoolWinterr]

“Have you... ever been dreadfully lonely?” This is art. You’re going to go far man. Your talent is unprecedented and is going to set the bar for not just KZbin but for indie filmmaking in general. I only recently discovered this channel and have loved every bit of it. From the comedic skits that have that Cherdley’s kinda feel with all of the awkwardness of real life scenarios but without the extra ham, to the more bizarre Adult Swim/ Tim&Eric type skits and animations, to this film right here that would no doubt win awards at indie-film festivals but without the pretentiousness. You execute perfectly your unique style of blending quality filmmaking with truly relatable scenarios. What blurs the lines of what’s real, improved, or scripted, is that you always manage to capture how people really interact and that raw emotion behind it. This film here proves your genius and is cathartic to anyone who’s ever felt that loneliness. Especially to those of us known as the, “funny guy” of the group where we hide what we’re really feeling behind smiles and deflect with humor. And like a true creative, you turned that visceral feeling into a work of art that captures the reality of it. You’re a master at your craft, like some sort of wizard-chef who can make his work both raw and well-done. Raw emotion and comedy that lets us, the viewer, see a bit of ourselves in that we can laugh and/or empathize with from the mundane social faux pas we commit to the more absurd. And it’s so well executed that it wraps everything together professionally while still magically maintaining that indie charm. Kudos to you Joel Haver! You are excellent at creating realist/surrealist work and blending the two so well without it feeling off-beat. Creating work that you enjoy making will take you far and we all look forward to watching your talent develop even more and unfold!

[@Joel-Haver]

Thank you for the lovely comment and thanks for giving the film and the rest of the channel your time. I'd love to be somebody that can raise the bar on KZbin, not in a competitive way, but in a way that shows people the beautiful potential of KZbin to be more personal and more direct than anything else. Audiences already know the people they watch on KZbin unlike they ever knew any filmmakers prior. To be able to let your audience know, from somebody they feel like they know personally, that they're not alone in their struggles and loneliness is an amazing power to have. Gone are the days of buying a ticket to watch a film from some studio by some filmmaker who'll never know you did, the fact that you commented and I saw it and was able to respond is amazing in and of itself. It's an honor to be compared to both a wizard and a chef, two things I respect immensely. Much more culinary magic to come! I wish you the best, happy new year

[@Nick1921945]

Gonzo dating imo

[@yagzozandibek5196]

@@Joel-Haver hey man , you at least showed one person that internety nature of youtube leads to new, exciting and deeply personal artstyles. i have never felt catharsis like this before. not crying my eyes out or laughing my ass off, but this strange feeling that you may share your exact feelings with a stranger. i love you

[@rabsrabble5415]

This comment is 100% spot on and Joel’s response about filmmaking in the Internet age is too.

[@bigluc2491]

if this was scripted, HOLY SHIT. if this was improvised, HOLY SHIT. i was expecting a punchline but all i got was a gut punch. you're easily one of my favorite artists/creators here and elsewhere, joel.

[@kristi7539]

Describes my thoughts exactly

[@misterkid]

I don't believe it's scripted, but the scenes are set up.

[@Lisferator]

I don't believe is even acted..

[@konnorkuznetsov1035]

My guess is they discussed a rough idea for some of the dating scenes, and of course a flawless setup for the cinematics, but still incredible. I think it was as genuine as it could possibly be while still being consistent. Truly art, the most raw expression of human emotion I've seen in any film since Doctor Zhivago.

[@sixstringedthing]

Part of the genius of this is that he showed you his process within the film itself, and all the performances still feel absolutely natural. Amazing performances from all involved.

[@oldman6688]

FUCK, I just realized that "Pretend That You Love Me" is a paraphrase of what you told the actresses before filming. So many layers Joel.

[@Ziqohth]

damn you're right 🤯

[@illestvillain1971]

Maybe

[@deadtotheworld]

God tear

[@joanduthie1689]

@@deadtotheworld tier

[@deadtotheworld]

@@joanduthie1689 thanks

[@davidzshit]

I lost my dad when I was 18 before high school graduation. I'm 25 now and I haven't been able to cry for a long time now but the part where you're making your speech about the coke and the cloths made me cry. Thanks man it's nice to feel something

[@Joel-Haver]

I’m really sorry to hear about your loss. I’m glad you were able to feel something through the film. I find that the times where I can’t feel are hardest of all. I wish you the best❤️

[@davidzshit]

@@Joel-Haver Love your vids man, hope all is well

[@whatifgaming1661]

On a simple note its refreshing to see a film that just shows how normal people talk and go on dates irl. I never know what to say, what ive seen in typical movies and shows isnt real and this feels like a real standard I can think about

[@AnonYmous-hz1je]

Isn’t the point of it that it still feels scripted (and we’re aware of it)? It plays off of your willingness to “trust” for the better part, it’s “real” in your experience of it because of the suspension of disbelief that we have for media like this, but there’s the reassuring thought that it’s scripted. So you accept that this is how dates are, and that these women love him, and etc, and in the “prologue” we revisit all of this without the lens of fantasy. And tones shift, and conversations hold more empty space, and colors are muted. And at the end, when he asks her to do a scene, you can hear how her tone shifts. And it brings you *into* the fantasy in this more real context and it’s crushing to *feel* how different it is. To think that this is an attempt to show what “real love” is like doesn’t make any sense to me. Its very focus is on questioning _what_ that could even look like?

[@evancunningham5653]

I love the way this unfurled throughout, with me questioning if this was real or a movie at the beginning, then it seems to pull back the curtains and be behind the scenes and shows these deeply emotional personal moments, and puts me in the same position again of wondering if this is even real. It made me cry anyway. Then the creepy undertones with the editing behind the scenes and the cloying bringing the actresses back but keeping things in shot which make it seem like this time it really is unscripted because you can see the facade with the lighting props. The musical bit in the middle was so unexpected too, felt almost like a palette cleanser from the line blurring real / film scenes at the beginning. It felt so human though, all of it, props to you and the girls in this, masterfully crafted piece of art.

[@Joel-Haver]

I’m really glad so much of the film connected for you. Thanks for taking the time to check it out

[@TheFos88]

That musical scene had me FLOORED with an overwhelming dark almost angry sadness that oozed from the videography and music. Just... Absolutely intense and out of nowhere. Also I don't know why but it made me think of Pink Floyd.

[@lunarfilth]

The way you genuinely blur the lines of what’s acting and what’s real had me so...confused? I wanted to figure it out, but I got to a point about 30 minutes after watching the whole thing, when I was trying to explain to someone why this affected me, where I realized that it didn’t really matter what was real or not because what was depicted was true To be honest I couldn’t help but cry during and afterwards I don’t know what else to say but I hope you continue to make films. I have not been moved by something in a very long time the way this did and I will carry this piece of art with me now in my heart

[@Christian-bo2gy]

That's such a great way to put it... Doesn't matter what was real, because it was true. Truth and Reality really aren't the same things after all... Thanks for leaving this comment. It helped me understand my feelings a bit better.

[@Joel-Haver]

Really beautifully put. All of my favorite movies are the ones that communicate something so true that I can't help but cry and it's amazing that you feel that way about mine. Thanks for giving the film your time, I'm glad it now has a cozy place in your heart. Wish you the best

[@MrLyramion]

Just like Wrestling.

[@GomGommery]

God I'm glad I dug more into your channel, first it was "Adventure awaits, hazaa!" and now I'm helplessly binging everything that has your name on it, especially your films. I've never met a character quite like you Joel, truly inspirational. Much love.

[@granvillesharpe9495]

This is where I'm at, too.

[@jjNice123]

Same

[@dhiambi6415]

same here, an emotional rollercoaster

[@bronsondiamond2025]

Same. I watch more Joel than Cherdley's and friends now. Funny how characters on KZbin can hit an audience so well through cringe relatability alone xD

[@humanperson9443]

That’s how the addiction begins

[@ChloePees]

By not succumbing to the Hollywood studio system, or any traditional film making system, Joel Haver has given himself the freedom to make every single film of his feel personal and authentic. His acting is so real because he is directing himself and because he often records actual interactions and/or improvisation. His stories are so real because he has complete creative control, aside from the help of a few very trusted friends. In real life he is one of the most kind and relatable people I know and his films reflect that. When he describes this film as a catharsis he is not kidding. All of his films are deeply personal and unique and beautiful, and always leave me in awe at the end thinking, “how is someone able to make films that speak to me so much?” And then I remember that I am human and he is human, and that unfiltered, uncontrolled art is human art. That “normal” films are alien by comparison. That if all films were made closer to the way Joel’s are made, we might all realize that we feel the same things more than we thought. This film is his best film yet and that’s saying a lot because his other films are so important too. Please watch the entire thing, as it goes through a lot of different emotions and will possibly surprise you. I love this movie and am grateful to know Joel. Thank you.

[@Joel-Haver]

Chloe! Thanks for the very flattering write-up! I'm really glad the film was able to resonate so deeply with you. Thank you for watching it. Grateful to know you as well

[@parlay-music]

“Unfiltered, uncontrolled art is human art. Normal films are alien by comparison” I like that a lot! This film’s candour is so refreshing and I admire Joel for having the courage to put something so personal like this out. So glad KZbin exists so indie films like this can be discovered.

[@DavidJaboulian]

Frankly, I don't really leave comments anywhere. That said, I don't really find myself feeling real emotional connections to films. But, holy fuck. This deserves more attention, more analysis, more support, more views, more everything because I legitimately cried my eyes out. Joel, you really have made one of the most hauntingly relatable pieces of media. Thank you.

[@snicanremember]

Was watching “when someone shows you a video on their phone” and then it auto played into this, and I watched the entire thing on my phone. It’s incredible

[@frenchtoast2319]

And he shows the girl a video on his phone.

[@GregorTheScot]

Came back to watch this one after drowning in potential. honestly kicking myself for skipping these for so long because in my mind I subbed to Joel for funny wee short films to watch as I ate lunch and I didn't want to commit to a feature length version of that. But these are something else entirely, honestly just incredible, just like the rawest films I've seen and so fucking refreshing. Joel keep killing it with these man, I swear I'm going to make each new one you put out an event going forward. Maybe rope some of my film school buds into watching it with me. Just amazing.

[@monauralsnail0669]

Fuck man... I’m kinda just speechless after watching this. I feel dirty or guilty watching this, like I’m privy to conversations and events that I shouldn’t be, an intruder in truly personal moments. That being said I couldn’t stop watching. This is honestly one of the best movies I’ve watched in such a long time, mainly because of how small and personal it is. Every thing else is just too big to care about, the stakes are always so high that it’s impossible to form any kind of attachment too. But with how relatable the struggle to open up and connect with someone is, how health issues make you so vulnerable, and how painful losing a parent is and it changing how you see everything, this movie is the exact opposite. You can actually connect to your struggle, not only by seeing my own personal struggles reflected, but by seeing you as an independent entity actually struggling. it’s impossible to not feel every moment of the film. Thanks for sharing this

[@Joel-Haver]

Thank you for the lovely words. It’s been amazing seeing so many people connect so deeply with this film. I agree that most of the movies sold to us are either too broad or too big to be relatable. I’m happy I could provide something small and personal as a change of pace. Thanks for watching, hope you have a nice weekend.

[@岩の下駅]

That gems like this just linger on KZbin, waiting to be discovered by people who choose to stay in bed and watch KZbin videos all day because they struggle to find a purpose in life is almost as ironic as it is poetic. This is an amazing piece of art, Joel. I hope you are doing better now. I hope everyone who watched this is doing better now.

[@illestvillain1971]

I am in bed watching this and I felt like you just read my mind and used it to mirror me. :( Life is shit, and unpredictable. By staying in bed it's still shit -- but it is predictable

[@NIL0S]

It's not that shit. But I'm in bed right with you trying to forget it a little.

[@TheMPBailey]

I read your whole review, but sincerely thought you said "germs" instead of "gems". Still made sense. Because germs find people and people find gems. Joel just seems to be both.

[@allyson--]

Not to be greedy but if anyone wants to share other gems they've found through KZbin, I'm all ears

[@TheFos88]

How dare you call me out

[@alexwilkins7110]

The last ten minutes of this film was agonizing. Everything was building up to a point that I felt like it was just screaming at me personally. I hate the fact that I think I can feel the exact emotions you're trying to convey. Some of those exact words ringing in my ear. I hate that I know that feeling. I hate knowing that you're trying to convey that exact headspace. Yet I can't help but love this film so, so much.

[@purplefondue5991]

I was crying at the 30min mark

[@sebastianroundtree1550]

The last ten minutes were so agonizing - I had to stand up and walk away from the screen. So true it hurts

[@jonopens]

I started writing essentially the same comment and, lo and behold, here it is. I wanted to scream, 'Say it, say what you feel, say how empty and grotesque and lonely you feel. But just say it!' Such a stunning film.

[@cameronanderson3647]

I needed this comment

[@Up2Eight]

Just wanted to briefly comment since I actually don't see many comments directly referencing it, but wow the moment around 52:00 into the song and then behind the scenes was so well done. Everything up to that point was so straightforward and filmed a certain way it was jarring in such a good way to suddenly have the confessional and emotional singing break through the wall and feel like it paused time. Just everything about those few minutes I love rewatching so much.

[@jeko72]

That stuck with me as well it was strange because it some how captures the same effect that happens to me when I turn the lights on or off while tripping on lsd

[@tsawy6]

For me it was the moment the camera was picked up

[@waterbottlettv]

@@tsawy6 me too, like he totally could have just had the camera slowly pan upwards to give a similar effect, but something about how it was done is so jarring

[@boris552]

Is that a real song or was it made for this movie? I couldn't find it from the lyrics on Google. I felt like it was a Leonard Cohen song or something.

[@ForlornFoundry]

I aspire to be able to have the courage to show so rawly such deep personal struggles for the public to see. This felt as if I was voyeuristically watching your life while also empathetically relating to the very same struggles I've dealt with in my life. You're a man of talent Joel. I hope you never stop creating ♥️

[@ForlornFoundry]

What I took away from this film was also the power to be able to vulnerable in your own life. To be able to fully feel your grief and to not hide your shame. To expose myself to those I trust just as you exposed yourself to us and to see that, hey the world isn't as cold and closed off as you think. Anyways much love to you man

[@LowdownBoy]

I feel you. Take care. Your comment has good points as well as being congruent to my own present.

[@Michniko]

Joel. What a beautiful film. Mild Spoiler: There came a point when the musical section kicked in that I realized I had forgotten what I was watching was scripted. Everything about this movie is so real, it hits you hard in the parts of you that you hate to share with others. I have an extremely high respect for you and I look up to you as an aspiring filmmaker, this was wonderful to watch even if it made me relive some of the worst times of my life, but I think that was the point. Thank you, Joel.

[@ChickentNug]

I kind of think that part ended what was actually "scripted", and everything from then on was a representation of what was actually going on in his life. Maybe not, but thats what I got from it

[@markshiman5690]

The music part is the only part that's scripted. The rest is improved. That's why it feels so real.

[@piersnivans5983]

@@markshiman5690 you mean improvised?

[@markshiman5690]

@@piersnivans5983 yes

[@depressedcowboy7687]

This film hit hard, getting into your 20s and not having meaningful connections outside your close family members is hard Thanks Joel for making this.

[@mrSam3ooo]

I thought i was the only one. Feels good to know there are others with the same struggles

[@smh1245]

Same here buddy. I almost feel guilty to feel lonely or sad because I have a loving and supporting family which I'm grateful for everyday and I'm aware how big of a blessing this is, but I can't share everything with them, I can't pour my heart out in front of them, you know, they have their own problems. Being in your twenties, going to college and heaving no real relationships outside your family can be challenging sometimes.

[@turbotatas6671]

Try being 30 and wasting your 20s smoking weed just isolating yourself and only realizing recently how much you fucked up

[@mjr_schneider]

Never knew this was such a common experience for people our age. I always assumed I was an outlier. What happened to our generation that made us like this? What went wrong?

[@darkslayer1161]

Not having any meaningful connections at is hard.

[@FirePlaceEntertainment]

Finally got some time to sit down and watch this. Damn dude. What a masterpiece. Laughed out loud, cringed, and cried on my pillow. I love you bro. Barely know ya but it's true.

[@Joel-Haver]

So glad you got around to checking it out, thanks for watching

[@sharkbait3546]

I've been thinking about this a lot since I finished it a couple days ago and I'm realizing how genius the parallels between his loneliness and back pain are. He describes it to the doctor as a dull ache all over that get's worse at night when he lies down. Compare this to the ache of loneliness that seizes you when you lay down to sleep at night when the distractions of the day aren't present anymore. This makes the final scene with the back massage that much better. The two pains converge and are treated at once: the physical relief that the massage brings, as well as the mental relief of human connection and attention. It's overwhelming and he breaks down. As for if the final scene is real, I'm gonna say no. The only time we're in "reality" is the final frame. Just as the filmmaker in the movie watches the still frame of his kisses with the actors, the final shot is Joel himself watching the final frame of his movie, the one we just watched. It's suggesting that he could be falling into the same trap as the character he plays, and gaining a comfort from the fake scenes he himself put together. The ambiguous blur between reality and film is so good. But that's just a theory, a FiLmTheORy Edit: I forgot to thank you for making this. Anything that gives me a good cry and makes me think deserves a thanks

[@brendielahooha]

You make videos, @sharkbait ?

[@artyCynabal]

About the ending, I think you nailed it. It didn't sink in with me at first, but that still let us all know that it wasn't real.

[@sixstringedthing]

Bravo, and thank you.

[@deep_cuts2019]

Great analysis

[@LeroOfTheKodiak]

I saw an animated skit randomly yesterday. Today I started exploring the rest of your channel. I found this. I think somehow, I needed to find this. I've been so completely, cripplingly alone since October of 2019, when my fiance left me one month from being married. Then Covid hit. I have felt so isolated, and for lack of a better way to put this, fucking done with life. I've been unable to cry for months. This opened the floodgates. Thank you. Thank you for this so very much.

[@roramdin]

that scene around 26 minutes just made me feel a lot of emotions. this is such a special film.

[@FUSIONJAZZMAN420]

Fuck man, I was hooked on your skits but this is another level. Definitely the best stuff on youtube right now.

[@kalgrandy2101]

Thank you Joel. “Some people can read War and Peace, and come away thinking it’s a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe.” -Lex Luthor The human condition is real. Hope you’re doing ok Joel.

[@cdogthehedgehog6923]

Why isnt that quote quoted more often?

[@franklinwilliams8048]

"Why isn't that quote quoted more often?" -@@cdogthehedgehog6923

[@cdogthehedgehog6923]

@@franklinwilliams8048 im honored.

[@franklinwilliams8048]

@@cdogthehedgehog6923 #PayItForward

[@theonygard5694]

@@franklinwilliams8048 "#payitfotward"- Franklin Williams

[@NMLSSneon]

Brother, this made me feel things.

[@Joel-Haver]

[@IllIlllI]

Thought you died in transformers7? Good to have you back, captain!

[@flatearth6365]

@@IllIlllI lmao

[@callmeqt1269]

Hey, Joel. I’m commenting because your film did a lot for me, and I want to offer something in return. I commented earlier today, but I have something to add (and I don’t think you’d see it in a reply). Your work so moved me that I wrote this poem in response: - I sleep with apparitions While a torrent brews above me. Please, Lie under the cover That you love me. - Also, if you haven’t already, I have to encourage you to listen through Chopin’s Nocturnes (especially op 48 no 1 and op posth no 20, but really all of them). I feel like they tell complementary stories to this one, and I believe 2019-2020 Joel might have needed them. With much love, Sam.

[@Joel-Haver]

Thanks for the lovely comment. Lovely poetry, it’s an honor my film could inspire that out of you. I love Chopin and definitely owe myself more time listening to classical music, just listened to Op 48 No 1 and it was lovely. I’ll take a deeper dive into the Nocturnes. Thanks so much!

[@callmeqt1269]

@@Joel-Haver Thank you - can’t wait for the features to come!

[@baikind]

Dude, your interactions in this movie is a masterclass in how REAL humans talk, big props

[@Rogerbuzmen]

It was improvised man.

[@BREADSWORD]

lost my dad a few years ago. never gets easier fr but things do get better. beautiful work bro, thank you for sharing

[@ireallycant4416]

Me who doesn't have a dad because he leaves when I was in grade 2, condolences for your father man

[@darksteiner631]

Me too brother, I heard my dad went MIA and that worried me a lot. But now I can get comforted bro by the film

[@BasicBurger]

You keep on putting out quality content Breadsword. I bet he would be proud because you'll always remember the duck.

[@demonposessed7413]

MY DAD IS A MEMBER IN THE DEATHCULT

[@Joel-Haver]

Sorry to hear about your dad's passing. Never get easier but gets better sums it up, great advice for anyone going through grief. Thanks for watching

[@Jackmillsable]

It is honestly upsetting that this hasn't been seen by millions of people, this is the greatest piece of media I have ever consumed. I haven't cried in a long time and this did it twice.

[@joediamond7988]

Same

[@pdfpockethole]

I cried

[@Skarwind]

What's more of a crime is that he's at 900k subs now and it's only been viewed by 27% of his subs. I'm guessing they either just found him and are watching things in random order or they are going from new-old or old-new. He'll get there though!

[@BEN-ys6gu]

@@Skarwind It's usually too long for youtube, I almost didn't watch it too because when I open youtube I am looking for something short to watch

[@austin1moore]

@@Skarwind I'm one of those. Just saw it today. Holy shit what a ride... Telling people to watch now.

[@TheWallProductions17]

Hey Joel, just wanted to tell you that the scenes with your father before his passing really touched me. I’m about your age and lost my father unexpectedly in October. Those little moments joking around with him and just enjoying each other’s stupid humor are part of what I miss most. Hope you and your family are coping as best you can, time heals all! Keep up the great work

[@NickNoobles]

I'm really sorry for your loss. I hope you're doing ok.

[@ecsix]

Best film of 2020. I can't remember how long it's been since a film impacted me like this. I thought I'd put it on just for a few minutes just to check it out and I was instantly sucked in, I have never seen anything like it. Thank you for letting us in to something so profoundly raw and personal.

[@brodylebid4057]

Same here man

[@LowdownBoy]

Me, as well... this was just Incredible and incredibly emotional. I need to change my life and my relationships; to at least start somewhere. I miss being able to talk to my Dad. I need to try more to tell him I love him.

[@garnetnard4284]

I’m 23 minutes in and I can’t turn it off. It’s so awkward and real.

[@vytasffbismarck7001]

Nathan Fielder has done something very similar with his "nathan for you" show, where he hires actresses for romantic scenes and then follows up with them in hopes of potential real life relationship, but Joels movie of course hits different with his real life problems imbedded between.

[@akiraakiraakiraakira]

i still try to watch it, but i can't bring myself to it. i know i will cry and i am not ready for that

[@someoneelse7306]

I felt such a connection with the tone of the film that I almost felt like I was a character while watching it. The scenes were so realistic that I almost thought some of them were real reactions that actors were responding to unaware of the context. My natural inclination was to shy away from the specific feelings this evokes, recognizing them is terrifying. Revelatory job, thank you for this.

[@Joel-Haver]

I love what you said about your inclination to shy away from the feelings it evokes. Recognizing them can be terrifying, denial can be a cozy prison indeed. I hope by sharing them others can feel a little less alone and maybe a little less inclined to shy away. Thank you for watching

[@BigChillenXD]

"I'm dreadfully lonely". I fucking lost it after hearing those words. Something has never hit so close to home before watching this film. I don't cry to films because I know it's fake, this isn't fake, its the truth. I love you man 🖤

[@closerrl9851]

Depends on what you mean by fake. It is still a script and still someones mind and feelings.

[@2nd-place]

@@closerrl9851 I think movies abstract it away somewhat. This is very personal and raw.

[@2nd-place]

Sometimes I feel this way and I’m married. I think I’m broken. Then I feel worse because I tell myself I have no reason to feel this way and remind myself of how I used to feel when I was truly alone. It’s like my brain broke in late 2019 when I finally dealt with a bunch of childhood abuse issues in therapy and all of 2020 didn’t allow it to heal back properly since I couldn’t keep seeing my therapist and lost my job to the pandemic and gained a bunch of weight. And now it’s like things are going back to normal and I’m not and I just want myself to go back to the way I was when I was healthy.

[@BigChillenXD]

@@2nd-place damn thats rough man im real sorry to hear that the pandemic fucked up yet another life. I lost my job over this shit too and I'm not married but my parents got a divorce a while back and after that it bloody sucks to hear others having doughts in relationships when just talking to one another could be the saving grace, even though sometimes "talking about it" is the hardest part 😔 Hope all goes well with you brother, stay safe 🖤

[@BigChillenXD]

@@closerrl9851 I meant it in a way like how a writer can dump their heart and soul into a project and have it still be known as "just a project", this doesn't feel like your average writer making a script, its personal, *WAY* to personal. Script or no script it hits close to home and I love it🖤

[@skylarmathison1481]

When Joel screamed "I need something that feels like love in my life" I balled like a baby. This hit so damn hard. You can TELL he has truly been through pain, and it really feels like he means it. So damn relatable, and made me want more from my life. Kinda therapeutic, and makes me want to move on and maybe be open to women again? Has me in a wierd place anyways

[@joem13yearsago73]

Have you tried seeking your eternal Creator for love?

[@proveitbrother5089]

@@joem13yearsago73 I keep writing letters to Danny Devito but he won't respond

[@joem13yearsago73]

@@proveitbrother5089 keep writing. I'm sure he's saving them all in a special shoebox that he keeps under his bed❤

[@proveitbrother5089]

@@joem13yearsago73 🥺❤

[@harrynewton]

That was something. I'm no film expert but it seemed very original and genuine. If anything it reminded me of Nathan Fielders "Finding Frances" where the lines between script and reality become blurred and the facade of the socially awkward comedian is taken beyond a joke. It was really touching and left me wondering how much of it is real...

[@Joel-Haver]

Thank you so much for checking it out! I definitely love Nath Fielder and the Finding Frances comparison is very flattering. That episode definitely left a big mark on me. Much love

[@kallmecate]

I was lucky enough to have an early viewing. It is definitely cathartic. Sweet, emotional, healing and so relatable. I can't choose just one favorite from your films but I can say this is definitely one of my favorites :)

[@Joel-Haver]

Thanks mom for being so supportive! Love you

[@kallmecate]

@@Joel-Haver Always XO I only had to give birth to you to get an early viewing ;)

[@tanukijuke]

I just went through a breakup about 2 hours ago and this was just recommended to me out of the blue. I've seen your other stuff before and enjoy them, but this is on its own level. Maybe it's because of my current heightened emotional state, but I feel like I needed this.

[@dreamer097]

I just went through a break up 7 years ago and same.

[@Joel-Haver]

I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup. Breakups are truly terrible and there’s not much you can say or do to make it easier. But if my movie was able to provide you with any catharsis, that means a lot to me. I hope your healing goes as smoothly as it can

[@garfiiend]

hey joel. i found this film shortly after its release a couple years ago i think. i honestly can’t remember. it was so beautiful. the parts with your father were so brave and vulnerable. they made me so sad but so grateful as i still had my father at the time. my father passed last night. i am so unbelievably torn. i related so much to you and the way you describe your dad, goofy, all over the place, and the funniest person i ever knew. im so fucking sad. im so lost. i am so hurt. thank you for making this joel.

[@Joel-Haver]

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss Christopher. It’s so fresh it’s hard to say anything that helps, just feel everything you need to feel, as long as you are able and willing to feel. Grief is a lifelong process, in time it gets easier in ways, never gets easy but gets easier. I wish you the best through this hard time. Much love to you and your family❤️

[@garfiiend]

@@Joel-Haver thank you so much. i love your content and i want you to know that these videos you create make people like me laugh in even the worse times. what you do here is so valuable.

[@turf5360]

This guy is sooo fucking underrated...

[@thecompanioncube4211]

I love he's booming now. He gained like 250k subs in the span of 15-20 days

[@inujoshua1359]

@@thecompanioncube4211 I still think he's underrated even with that amount of subs 😂

[@ferreirpj]

I'm sorry for your father, this movie really touched me in that part, because I lost my father to câncer too, and he was also joking all the time, thank you for this movie! The relashionship parts are also good and funny, wish you well, cheers from Portugal!

[@Joel-Haver]

I'm sorry to hear about your father. Cancer is truly the worst. I'm glad that in sharing my experience the movie was able to connect with you. I wish you the best. Thanks for watching!

[@brymetheous2387]

Sorry Paulo, I also lost my dad to cancer. F---- Cancer for real though, I miss him a lot.

[@brymetheous2387]

@@Joel-Haver And thanks for this film my guy, I actually teared up during your father's funeral. Sorry for your loss

[@chiknnoodl8195]

came into this expecting a normal joel video, didn't notice the runtime or think twice about the title but as soon as it hit me that there was no punchline coming and what this really was hit me I was sucked into this fucking incredible experience. phenomenal acting, i knew you were a good actor from your skits but this cemented it for me, you really nail your craft perfectly that kinda awkward cringey but so raw and likeable acting style. doesn't feel like acting it feels like we're really peering into your life and struggle which i think we might be a lil bit. also loved the cinematography this movie was shot beautifully start to finish, loved the artsy back and forth between grainy homemade aesthetics and professionally done shots which actually makes sense once the twist hits and my god the twist is so fucking good and so sad, absolutely crushing moment and the film only continues to just totally put you down and its amazing this movie grabs you by the fucking chest and does it so effortlessly. i love your shit i hope to god you see this

[@Joel-Haver]

Thank you for the lovely words, it means a lot that you stuck around to check out the whole film. In some ways it felt like a risk having something like this coexist alongside my comedic work, but it’s been incredibly rewarding to see that pay off with so many people stumbling upon the film and giving it a chance like you have. I wish you the best, thanks for watching.

[@Skarwind]

Same here. I thought the video was going to be 4-5 minutes long while doing some gaming. Then I realized I was almost 40 minutes in.

[@pluhformybruh]

This is probably the most painful film I've ever watched. But why does it hurt so good. You are an artist, Joel.

[@Joel-Haver]

Thanks for watching Joshua, means a lot❤️

[@timothymartin9085]

You're nailing everything that those arthouse films are aiming for. As someone who has only been watching your content for three days, I'm a fan.

[@stefanakosmar]

There is this thing about youtube films made by independent creators that can only be achieved here and can never be achieved in the “cinema”. And that is the amazing feature of blurring the lines between reality and fiction, I cannot for the life of me distinguish between the two in this particular film. For all I know everything here is true and this is a real autobiography. What an amazing thing you’ve created here. You have real talent, and forget about those people saying you should only make these, btw hilarious and genius, animations because you would just be limiting yourself into expressing only a fraction of the emotional capacity you have. Bravo Joel Havel.

[@virtualmartini]

This has far less to do with the medium of KZbin and far more to do with the filmmaker; Joel.

[@Joel-Haver]

Thank you so much for watching! Don't worry, I'll never limit myself based on what's popular. I'll always pursue the ideas I'm passionate about. It's very important to me that the channel paints a full portrait of who I am, comedy, drama, reality, fiction, warts and all. Wish you well

[@stefanakosmar]

@@Joel-Haver Glad to hear that, Cheers Joel!

[@bettyoffdead]

I feel like I just got a secret glimpse into someone's life and saw things they never meant for anyone to see. I feel like I intruded and it's such an intense and visceral feeling... I'm at once uncomfortable and fascinated in ways I can't describe. I've never had a film do this to me, especially not to this extreme. Joel, you are a genius and I honestly aspire to have the kind of creativity, insight, and emotional capacity that you do

[@breteasley3581]

Wow....yes

[@reptarien]

said it all in one bro

[@jayjackson5932]

I know you probably won't read this. But this movie made me feel more than any movie I have ever watched. Thank you for sharing it.

[@LTtrash]

This was unlike anything I've seen. This was so real and heartfelt that I couldn't stop watching and I truly saw so much of myself in this. I went through a breakup recently and the feelings you filmed, expressed, and FELT in this film are so real and so true, it's a wonder you were able to capture it all. Thank you for making this.

[@Joel-Haver]

It makes me so happy when people who found me through my shorts give my features a chance. The fact that I was able to provide you with some catharsis, or maybe just the knowledge that someone else has felt the same way, is what makes capturing and sharing such personal stuff so important to me. Thank you for watching

[@mefsincorporated4704]

Honestly I feel like it helped me too and for me I also just went through a really hard break up and honestly I'm glad I was able to found this amazing channel

[@kissmyacidrocks]

This is the best advertisement for a Marvel movie i've ever seen. I'm buying ant man asap

[@Jayden3649]

Make sure to buy the 2nd one aswell

[@Carcosahead]

Also Thor: The dark world

[@debrachambers1304]

Make sure to buy the 3rd one aswell

[@SpoonfulPictures]

I don't typically leave a lot of comments, but wow, this is really something special. I'm a young filmmaker about two months away from graduating film school. For the past few years my ears have been pumped full of the business and corporate end of filmmaking, and it's slowly but surely dwindled my passion as I realize more and more that the film industry is built more on people wanting to make large amounts of profit than an actual appreciation for, perpetuation of and advancement of the art. Tl;dr, this has inspired me a lot more than much of the past few years of film school have. Thank you for making this movie, it's absolutely beautiful. Time to get to work.

[@Joel-Haver]

Sounds like you found this film at the perfect time! Film school is great at showing you the business side and only the business side of filmmaking. I’ve spent most of my time post-film school unlearning such things, I don’t regret going but you definitely gotta put in the personal work to keep from becoming apathetic and bogged down from the experience. Thank you so much for watching, wish you the best! Get out there and make some movies and keep that passion alive❤️

[@SpoonfulPictures]

​@@Joel-Haver Hey Joel! Coming back to say thank you! You proved to me that you can make a movie on your own. With no money, no expensive gear, just using what you have and making something. I premiered my first feature film tonight on KZbin and your work has been a huge inspiration for me throughout the entire process. I just wanted to let you know that your hard work and dedication has truly made a difference in my life and career. Thank you for being an inspiration to me, and for showing me that anything is possible with the right mindset and determination. Thank you for everything you do.

[@Joel-Haver]

@@SpoonfulPictures Donnovan! That's amazing to hear, I'm so glad you did it! Just peaked at the movie on your channel and I'm so excited to properly watch it. Looks bold and beautiful! I'll leave a comment when I do watch it. Thanks so much for letting me know. Keep making stuff my friend :)

[@genohelix7522]

Finding this at 4am on Christmas morning has set a very interesting mood to watch this but I loved it- I was so engaged the whole time, I really appreciate what you've created here. Got a sub from me.

[@Lu_Cidtrip]

I literally just did the same thing but a day later.

[@Cenzo]

@@Lu_Cidtrip yooo guys and here i am (another 3 days later) ! 4 AM Gang, we lit!

[@jguitar151]

There’s no way you didn’t just actually fall in love with the Spanish woman irl. That connection seemed so genuine

[@Neoriujin]

Hell I fell in love with her a little lol

[@goodbye3771]

fr tho

[@tomhoff6572]

There's only so much I can type to a man I've never met. I don't know how to say thank you for what this has given me. My relationship with my father is rocky at times. We do our best to love each other. His father died when he was young and he never had a great relationship with his mom. Our family communicates in aggression and fear and they seem to look up the family tree for a reason. I have experienced unconditional love in my family very few times. I left home and went out to a big city expecting a style of love that I had seen in movies or that I had fantasized about as a kid. Obviously, life isn't as picturesque as they make it seem. I've since then moved back home to take care of my grandmother. My father and I still have many moments where we butt heads, but we both seem to appreciate our time together more. We talk more openly about our feelings. This movie has reminded me of how important the time we spend with the people we love really is. I can't say thank you enough for that. Since I stopped chasing a movie made fantasy, I found what real love is. Thank you, Joel Haver. I sincerely wish the best for you and all the work you do.

[@Joel-Haver]

Tom, this comment means so much to me. Thank you for sharing. It truly is so important to value the time you have with people. My dad and I always spent our time to the fullest and I still have inklings of regrets about things we could’ve and should’ve done. This is not to say my regrets are valid, but do what you can to ensure that when the day comes you no longer have someone you have as few inklings as possible. I hope you and your dad have a nice holiday together, I wish you the best, thanks for watching

[@almostshay]

"He assumed this was more than it was" like my god. This movie is like a real life version of Perfect Blue. Halfway through the movie my perception of the premise was completely shattered. It feels like I was right there with you having no clue what was real and what wasnt. KZbin autoplayed this while I was eating a sandwich and I stayed up just to watch the whole thing. How did I get here from a rat with a gun

[@khammkeo4448]

A rat with a gun 😭😭

[@senza4591]

This really is like a less outwardly sinister Perfect Blue huh

[@patricknorris9334]

I need to know what video you started with to get here lol

[@almostshay]

@@patricknorris9334 they're 2 of Joel Haver's most recent video. The RPG ones. They should be easy to find if you just go through his most recent uploads.

[@illestvillain1971]

Perfectly blue is a masterpiece, and I think this is too. :0

[@esterhammerfic]

What I find incredible about it is how much of Joel he trusts the audience to see, and how in displaying so much that's uncomfortable he manages to make something extremely human and understandable. I'm fascinated with this work.

[@MetalFan9490]

Hey Joel, I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but this is an absolutely beautiful film. I’ve watched it quite a few times since it came out and I cry every time. I can really relate to the inner sadness that you portray and that sucks in a wonderful way. I hope you’re doing okay, and thank you for this film.

[@Joel-Haver]

Hey Brian, it really means so much to hear that you revisit this film. Thanks for giving it your time and then giving it your time again! Sadness certainly can suck. I’m both glad and sorry you can relate, we’re all in whatever this is together my friend. I wish you the best.

[@MetalFan9490]

@@Joel-Haver you actually saw my comment! Tbh this has made my whole week, thank you again for this film I will be sure to watch it many more times!

[@bababooey9377]

Wow, I don’t even know where to begin, this was life changing. I have never been compelled to comment on a KZbin video until now. This is more beautiful than the most beautiful film ever made. This helped me make sense of an indescribable feeling I’ve been feeling for years. I’ve recently been getting into video editing and video art (this is art in its highest form), and I literally started online dating a few weeks ago after years of failures. You are a huge inspiration to me (I am a pretty private person but after watching this you inspired me to open up more.) My friends and I have talked about making short videos for a while now and we all love your stuff! Words can’t fix what happened, but I am truly sorry for the loss of your father, of course I didn’t know him, but through this I feel like I did. I also lost a lot recently and have never connected to a stranger as much as I have now. This brought me to tears at several parts. This video has probably offered me just slightly less catharsis as I imagine it must have for you. Sorry for the long comment that is all I have left to say. I wish you all the best and hope you’re in a better place now.

[@Joel-Haver]

The fact that the film was able to help you is beautiful. It’s the most I could ask for from my films. Whether or not our struggles are the exact same, the fact that we do struggle is universal. I hope you and your friends make some videos together! It’s too fun not to! I wish you well. Thank you for watching.

[@codyclarke]

This is my favorite of your films yet. So touching and expertly woven. I hope it reaches a ton of people!

[@justinmiller4733]

How did you make this comment less than an hour after a 1.5 hour video came out?

[@Joel-Haver]

Cody is a close filmmaker friend, I sent him the link early to get his thoughts.

[@GabelLIVE]

After seeing the channel I expected this comment to be ironic but wow this really was amazing

[@enzotje123]

This hit me right in the gut. Everything about this felt so pure, I haven't had this experience with art in a very long time. The amount of emotions you forced out of me are indescribable. Throughout this I've felt hate, compassion, frustration, sorrow and many other things. However the strongest among these is definitely loneliness. It's almost 5:30am as I type this, my heart and soul feel as though they've been put through a meat grinder, and I don't expect to sleep tonight. Small as it may be, something inside me has changes fundamentally. This was so much more than just a film, it was an experience that's gonna stay with me for a very long time. Thank you so much for making and sharing this. To me, this is art as it should be.

[@woodybob01]

This is what's stuck inside my head. You are not alone friend.

[@jamesterzakis4646]

@@woodybob01 wish I could be myself around new people it’s so hard to make new friends now I’m jealous how he can be so happy and carefree

[@davidf2244]

I came back again to watch my favorite parts. Makes me cry every time it seems like. The premise is so painful and so elegant. Because the scenes have to end and he knows it's pretend. But his whole life is pretend. He wants them to come into his world where he doesn't have to make believe he's someone he's not just to make them stay. But they won't. They come so close but they won't come in. The way he laugh-cries and all the half-finished and abandoned sentences... He's just so painful aware that it's make believe. So either he pretends for other people, or they pretend for him. He wants real human connection, but the tragedy is that he's afraid. He won't put himself out there. Not really. In some sense he's waiting for them to make the first move. When he invites them back, is him somehow hoping they'll come into his world. And then when she does...it's sex. He wants her to hold him and rub his back and tell him that he's going to be okay. God. That feeling. The pretending. The wishing they would come into my world. Not fitting into theirs and them stopping in the doorway of mine. And it's us that keep ourselves stuck like that. Because we're afraid it will hurt even more to really make the first move. There's some part of his soul or heart that he needs to share to lighten the load. And the truth is that it will hurt as much we he's afraud of. So he tells himself he just can't find the right person. Or that there's something wrong with him. There's something wrong with the world. That it beats us down and isolated us. Robs us of love and intimacy. Leaves us destitute inside. Perhaps the most painful scene in a movie for me at the end. Because he accepts sex in lieu of love. He settles in that moment. He doesn't resist even though he doesn't want it. But it's all he thinks he's going to get. The acting is so good. You see him accepting the easy way out. Back to pretending to be someone he's not. I get the sense that it's going to be a long time for him to open up to someone who cares about him. Living in a world that won't love him. That offers him empty pleasures and going through the motions. Wherever he goes, there he is. He tries to arrange the situation so it plays out like he wants it to. And it does. And it's meaningless. He just wants to hold on a little longer. Please. God, it hurts. And it's so true. I'll check out his newer stuff again, but the ones I saw lacked this elegant pure distillation of longing, loss, severing, and wearing a smiling mask to hide the tears.

[@emmasadler4529]

This made me feel less lonely. Thank you for sharing it

[@Joel-Haver]

I’m really happy it could do that for you, thanks for watching❤️

[@lilacrain3283]

It went from making me feel incredibly lonely to feeling much less

[@Juan-zi3qs]

It’s so slightly awkward but not enough to make you feel cringe almost like it hits somewhere else

[@stitch3762]

to me that awkwardness betrays some sense authenticity which is what makes it no so cringe.

[@JumpydeerbobHD]

I don't think it's even awkward, it's just very rare to see a movie with real humans. It's a movie about people not a script.

[@jagobouffler6206]

it's not movie awkward, it's real awkward that you can actually feel, the good awkward

[@EPMTUNES]

It’s very realistic but reality shows have ruined that term

[@Kgknipp]

I thought this too. I think it's because he eventually gets to where the hesitation and awkwardness are going.

[@connorlohse4097]

Really did not expect the silly rat-slaying cartoon man to have an entire other world of stories to tell. This was so elegantly structured and acted. It’s uncomfortable too, masterfully so. Something to be proud of Joely boy.

[@MattQuigley]

I am completely and utterly floored by this film. I doubt that Joel will ever see this comment (what with the count being up to 5k as I'm typing this), but one can still hope he does. Given the bits and pieces I've gleaned from various videos, I'm guessing Joel was 23 to 24 when he made this. With that in mind, it is an exceptionally sophisticated and shockingly well-executed piece. I'm aware of his dedication to the democratizing power of contemporary technology for shooting, editing, and distributing films, and the way he implores others to just do it. I had no idea, however, that among his numerous terrific and inspired collaborative sketches resided work of this poignance and profundity. Films about themselves are a tricky needle to thread and can so easily be a pretentious slog. Fellini nailed it 60 years ago and countless directors have fallen on their faces attempting similar feats since. I was very conscious early on that I was being reminded I was watching a film, but the piece does this -- with visible microphone packs and cutaways to webcam quality images and a great many carefully composed and stylized shots -- while sharing some of the most breathtakingly intimate moments that will ever occur in its director's life. When the musical number came in, I cried for the first time. Partially because it hits as a sincerely plaintive wail as the film flips from its ostensibly "naturalistic"/"voyeuristic" perspective to an inescapably cinematic one. In this moment where it brazenly announces that it's a film, beyond any dispute, it also delivers its first of many moments of nearly unbearably raw and real emotion. It takes a deft directorial touch to pull off that sort of thing and Joel definitely makes it look deceptively easy. And this he does while starring in the damned thing and acting his ass off. As a lifelong New Yorker I'll forever have a soft-spot for (good) films made here and he used his locations beautifully. His shot composition can be so evocative and moving, leaving you forgetting at times that you're watching a zero budget, effectively point and shoot film primarily featuring a series of static shots. Again, in the wrong hands this would be interminable, but here it's more frequently than not simply beautiful. I'm in my early-50s now and just lost my old man back in August of '21, but I lost my mother when I was 23, which I believe is how old Joel was when he lost his father. Our relationship was a bit different, but incredibly close. She also died after a long battle with cancer. She died during a time in my life of rather pronounced highs and lows -- perhaps the most extreme in this regard of any period before or since -- and through it all I remained lost and lonely and desperately searching, throwing myself into art (my band had just signed a sizable contract with a major label), and some other less constructive activities and distractions. Thing is, it is only with the benefit and wisdom of hindsight that I can recognize what I went through then. This makes the clarity with which Joel expresses his longing, confusion, loneliness, and loss here all the more astounding to me. This is truly a work so wise beyond its creator's years that even he may only realize to what degree in the decades to come. Okay - This isn't frigging Letterboxd, so I really should just shut up. I love that this thing could easily have done the festival circuit, or whatever, but by putting it here it has reached a far greater audience -- both in size and sympathy -- than it likely ever could have done via that route. In so many ways this film makes Joel's whole approach to filmmaking not merely inspiring in spirit, but in execution. I can see in the comments he's left here that he is proud of this, as he damned well should be.

[@Blorckits]

It is still at 5k lol

[@chrisoffersen]

Thank you for the insightful perspective on this film. Not being an artist, I don’t have the language to express how great-art makes me feel other than “wow. Observations like yours give me some tools to better understand where these emotions are coming from. Thanks again.

[@Travis_DeGee]

It's like the only one he didn't heart

[@MattQuigley]

I'm sure he just missed the comment... Right guys?! Right?! Joel Haver doesn't hate my awesome, heartfelt comment (that received 134 likes), does he? DOES HE?!

[@minerman60101]

@@MattQuigley if you edit a comment it removes the heart... you may have accidentally done yourself in there without realizing

[@brickpowell2771]

Joel, this is one of the most accurate depictions of a young man working through his 20's. I am not typically one to be very emotional but I have felt every sentence, every awkward moment, and every heart break involved in this production. Also the scenes involving cancer were so well done. The fear, the disdain, and eventual fuck it factor. I have never felt like this about a movie before. Thank you, and I'm looking forward to all of your work.

[@kookookapleksky2410]

This is three years old and I just found it. It came to me during a really hard part of my life (now) and I felt a connection to this film deeply. I suffer with feelings of loneliness. I just got broken up with and ghosted by a long distance partner due to mental health/depression and the world has never felt so vast or lonely. I’m not sure I could ever truly love someone again, but I still want to be held, or hugged. The vulnerability in this film is incredible, and I cried at the end, safe to say. I gotta spend more time with my dad. Thanks Joel ❤️🫂

[@cakecakecake30]

This is the most comfort I've gotten since loosing important people in my life in the past 2 years. It's hard to put it into words, but thank you for this. I needed it.

[@Joel-Haver]

I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I’m glad the film could provide comfort during tough times. I wish you well

[@The_Real_Rip_Van_Winkle]

This hit me like a ton of bricks on a personal level, being lonely and losing a parent, i needed to see this, this will go down as one of my favorite movies of all time, thank you Joel, we also share the same birthday!

[@Joel-Haver]

I’m sorry to hear about your loss, it’s the hardest thing in the world to grapple with. Thanks for watching, it’s an honor to be one of your favorites. Happy belated birthday, I wish you the best!

[@enterthyname_2376]

I just finished watching this. My soul was touched, my heart was trashed, and I am simply stunned. A lot could be said about the authenticity and artistry overflowing this film, but all I'm going to say is, I love you. Thank you for sharing your creations. I dearly hope you are able to feel proud of them.

[@TexasRedOutlaw]

Hey Joel, this film is ehhh OK but it could use some work, there's two things in particular you messed up on. 1. I can't watch it again for the first time 2. I can't remember it after I'm dead If you could fix that in your next film that would be great thanks in advance

[@JimsyFlimsy]

Can't forget not being able to enjoy any other movies anymore. Ruined that for me, unfortunately.

[@duckmintNZ]

I was about to get violent, instead I did a big "Awww"

[@twintin_346]

you got me in the first half not gonna lie

[@Nunya111]

Thanks for making me smile after watching this whole thing :)

[@pipersimpson684]

Hm yeah thats true there was also the tiny nitpick of nothing else on youtube comparing to this ever again, it was just a bit too beautiful. Kinda killed it.

[@thomasray]

I don't know why, but the line "I'm literally right here" hit me so hard

[@Ivyticrea]

Snap back to reality

[@thomasray]

@@Ivyticrea ?

[@ramblincapuchin9075]

Oop there goes gravity

[@Lucas_Simoni]

I know that feeling. He didn't just want someone to talk to, it was not like she wasn't there, but... He didn't know if she felt the same way about him. He wants... his song says it all. He wants a sort of girlfriend. And I genuinely believe he had the idea of dating them by pretending to create a movie. Which he actually ended up doing after all. It was so meta, it was so real. Even what was pretended, he actually wanted it to be real.

[@Lucas_Simoni]

Gosh. Even his dad's cancer was real. Even his back problems. The movie had the perfect timing. I wonder if he had the idea for the movie as a final masterpiece about his dad as well. It was so genuine.

[@robertholland3895]

This movie made me love movies again.

[@mackmcd]

Holy shit, Joel. I haven't even finished this yet. But something just happened to me that's never happened to me. The instant you said, "thank you for the shirts, I have them all now." I felt a lightning bolt of sadness hit me and I started crying. From fine, to pausing the movie to cry with one line. Thank you so much for making and sharing this. I don't know what this means - what I just felt - but I'm sure it's important. I'm gonna go call my Dad.

[@vhat2]

I really dont know which parts are scripted and which arent, first of all, im sorry for your loss if it wasnt scripted :( and second, this is briliant, I laughed, cried, felt lonely, lived the awkwardness. Thank you so much for this experience, I will never forget it

[@illestvillain1971]

No pretty sure his dad didn't die, that was part of the movie...

[@vhat2]

@@illestvillain1971 after the movie I checked some other vids. It seems he did T_T

[@paratriad]

A John Robert Haver had an obituary posted to 3 websites, which seem to be real sites. Sadly, that was not scripted.

[@knoxboyd5150]

First two thirds were scripted

[@JB-fh1bb]

Will we ever *really* know which parts were scripted? Personally I doubt it. Some are obvious, some are pointed out, but some are nebulous layers whose nebulousness say as much about being human as the rest.

[@jovalleau]

I feel like this is the type of movie Abed from Community would have made after getting his film degree.

[@TrevorAllenVideoWalkthroughs]

Meta abed was the best

[@JeanGenie92]

so spot on

[@vinstantrice]

literally

[@VinePest]

It's been many months since anything has connected with me like that. I'm not a regular movie-watcher at all, I used to come to this channel for the HUZZAHs! Can't really remember why exactly I decided to watch the whole thing in one go, although it's just been 94 minutes since then. It's probably because it's so real. A representation of some possible reality, boiled down to the essentials, is more real than everyday life itself sometimes. My overall reaction is split: On one hand, it's completely relatable, genuine, bereft of bullshit, and simply gripping because of that. On the other hand, it celebrates life by putting a spotlight on it and not hiding it beneath trivial entertainment. Don't know what more to say than: Wow! Amazing!. Thank you! Love from Germany.

[@Cypriotpride930]

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a film made me emote so many different feelings. From the cinematography, locations, acting, and sincere authenticity. This is simply something different and I applaud you. Please keep doing whatever you’re doing and we are all waiting for more of you. I know there’s a lot of truth in this film, it feels too real to be faked. Thank you for sharing this 🙏