Why people DON'T LIKE IT when you are NICE to them: mind the gap in your attraction

[@psychacks]

Why is it that your best efforts are often repaid with indifference, rejection, and contempt? This is a complicated phenomenon, but we can view one possible explanation through the lens of the balance of attraction. In turns out that people have preferences with respect both to the position they would rather occupy, and to the size of the gap they would like to experience. Being nice to others puts the other in the place of the adored and increases the gap of attraction. Negativity in response to this behavior is an attempt to recalibrate the gap back to acceptable limits. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: kzbin.info/door/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #attraction #relationship #dating

[@AradijePresveti]

Hey, quick question. Why did you recently put one of your videos on private?

[@shadstewart9253]

Isn't the rejection of love, as virtuous as it may be at least a symptom of a lack of self love/of self rejection? Thus making the disproportion of - kindness, love, and attention. Uncomfortable to that person? whether the person giving is liked by the person receiving it or not?

[@dilsiam]

I'm in that situation, my partner adores me and makes my life difficult, in the way that if somebody is less nice with me my partner wants me to not interact with said person. She wants me to block this person from my social media and phone. I said a big no and boy she's pissed.

[@chumonbillyjean]

Dude this happened to me recently to a chick I made out with I splurged on gifts and she started trying to treating me weird and looking weird so I let it go and stayed away for a week and she's all smiley and googly eyed like before

[@dilsiam]

I thought about this all day yesterday, I coined a term for this "Smothering Niceness" also you can call it "Toxic Niceness". Someone I know had tried to weaponize this against me, I'm the only you have, etc. in certain terms is true but I got to my forties before knowing her just right...

[@jlcarlson9203]

I totally agree with the message here, but to me it sounds like playing mind games with another person. If someone doesn't appreciate my kindness, I'd rather just find someone else who does.

[@sigma_z]

It's all a mind game

[@KidArkx]

Its the same way while I would like to see a woman's ass for example. But if she walks around dressed up like a whore with everything exposed. Even though I appreciate the view, she is now longer wife material. If the girl sees you just giving her everything and being extremely nice. Without her even doing anything to be deserving of it, she feels like this is what you do for everyone.

[@gnak6525]

I think that is ultimately the lesson. Love with expectation is not love, it's a business transaction, same goes for if a person can't accept love without expectation.

[@Sam-ng3of]

I get the same impression from other videos here. Playing into anxious or avoidant attachment insecurities instead of just being secure and finding secure people. Leave the insecurities to themself instead of chasing

[@kengaroo5170]

Some people don't like their butts kissed, some like butt kissing, and it depends on who's butt mostly.

[@sarahs5340]

You know what is crazy? I work around a lot of people all day. I work with multiple teams of people and I interact with strangers from the public. The more kind, friendly, gracious, and empathetic-loving I am towards people the worse results I get. If I’m stand-off-ish, cool, detached and downright haughty towards people, I actually get better results. The communication goes more smoothly, they show me more respect and they are oddly attracted to me. I kid you not! I don’t enjoy acting cold and authoritative, but it is so effective. I find it a bit unfortunate that I have to act this way towards others to achieve the communication results that I need and to receive respect. I actually don’t like being “that person”. However, being gracious and empathetic towards those around me has only gotten me trampled on. I do not want to be treated poorly because I’m too nice. It’s unbelievable. I’ve had to come to a place inside myself where I learn to ride a line between being a bit cool towards people, but also showing them respect as I honor and respect myself. It is quite a line to ride. People are a challenge.

[@tysondance7476]

This is well written

[@okaycola2]

This

[@sm3675]

I agree. I often see myself respecting stern professors more than the "nice" ones. I don't know why...

[@serenesongs]

Yeah I have felt the same way. But it does not come naturally to me , it has to be cultivated. I like the fact that you are aware and have this behaviour being conscious if it.

[@tracynewton3083]

Well said. 🎉Or de we make people a challenge🤔. I'm not offering any more help or going above myself unless I'm asked or asked to do and yes that's without benefits.

[@thepabli]

I'm one of those "virtuous" people. But I haven't been like that since ever. Many years ago, I was struck with the realization that when you give from your heart-without looking for anything in return-and in consonance with making the other person's life better, no one can steal from you. I've recently become a widower. Each time I remember each of the selfless actions I did for my partner, my heart fills with joy. Sometimes the act of giving is truly a divine gift.

[@JonJCairns]

You're awesome mate and I wish I could be just like that allllll the time! :)

[@staceyvasilyan7846]

Sorry for your loss 🙏 the best way to give is from the heart unconditional with no expectations of anything in return.

[@panteraiv]

God bless you and sorry for your loss!

[@RobDaCajun]

My condolences for your loss. It is wonderful that you gave your partner your all and the joy it gives you.

[@fadexrucks1598]

My Condolences. But your late Partner must have reciprocated.

[@JaneNewAuthor]

People don't like be obligated. Being nice to someone implies they're obligated to like you back. Pure gold, thank you.

[@missstarrynight7736]

Not at all. Being nice to someone means that you are nice. It doesn't obligate anyone to anything. And you don't have to like people, who are nice to you. I am nice to one of my neighbours, who is rather an unlikeable person. I am nice because I am nice. His reaction is always his choice. He is not obligated to be nice back.

[@liviadecarvalho5133]

​@@missstarrynight7736 Indeed. The thing is most of the time someone is gratuitous nice to someone else, there is this feeling that they are trying to manipulate the relation. But I understand what you mean.. I just believe it is interesting to have in mind this is a subconscious pattern to most people. Most people are indeed insecure about their strength and reactions, and if you get this you can be truly kind and generous, understanding their emotional limitations.

[@adk5997]

@@missstarrynight7736 I think what they meant that person who is nice doesn’t expect it back, but the receiving end perceives it so. Also if in romantic setting usually when person doesn’t fancy someone, it is something more common because if you are nice back you give them message you like them too, when that is not true.

[@denisechappell3434]

For some all interactions are transactional. If the person does not like another's goodwill it could be that person will only be nice to someone if they want something. I find narcissistic types will do this .

[@clarkkent3730]

@@missstarrynight7736 Amen....Truth....i have a neighbor who is totally unlikeable, grouchy, mean, unkind, manipulative etc...but by God i will pray for her and leave little gifts for her anonomously ... what does the old christmas song say? oh yeah! "But be good for goodness sake"

[@carlac9026]

I think when you are nice to bad people it shines a light to their self awareness and they know at that moment that they are bad and then they don't like you. Basically selfish people don't want you (kind person) to unintentionally make them look bad.

[@AngealHewley0]

Yep, I was reading on this "How being good can rub people the wrong way", "It makes them realize you're just making yourself look good and it's making them look real bad". Also that you're getting further than them by being good while they had to lie, with hold truth, and manipulate, yet you're still outdoing them by being a good person. Also mentioned how we should do everything in private that way if they ever where to get a glimpse at our work it would actually be a humbling experience.

[@minxella12]

In the long run a snooty response is better than someone that has contempt for you uses you. There are some people there's just no winning over, accept it.

[@clarkkent3730]

EXACTLY

[@ionseven]

My epiphany was learning that there's a massive difference between authentic efforts to be respectful and cordial vs being nice to manipulate (what I used to do). Many of us former people pleasers who tried to gain acceptance through manipulation (how we were taught in school and home) have had a hard dose of reality with realizing that even when authentic it cannot be used to force acceptance. Best we can do is be authentic (while being mindful of how our directness can hurt) and not care about outcome. Real friends will come.

[@YEC999]

Wow that is a comment full of self reflection and insight... It's inspiring💪

[@Volkbrecht]

"how we were taught in school and home". This is the main issue, right there: our upbringing tends to prepare us for a world that does not exist. For me, the realization came too late. I'm out of the procreation game for good. Not because I had a bad childhood, or unloving parents. Just because those who raised me were trying too hard to raise a "good person", instead of one that can deal with the world as it is.

[@Tempusverum]

Society’s the problem. It really is them, not you

[@ionseven]

@@Tempusverum I still bare the responsibility and only blame myself for all actions I've made, but I won't teach my impressionable children the same limiting beliefs. Even if they are shamed for not being "nice" enough by those unwilling to get to know their hearts (especially by other adults in their lives), it will provide the best chance to prepare them for this world.

[@jaxong.2701]

What's a good example of being nice to manipulate? I totally think I agree btw just asking to get a bit deeper

[@zion367]

I think its better to stay true with who you are and find a person who aligns with that. Changing your way of interacting for the sake of creating attraction leads to inauthenticity.

[@oneirologic4462]

Agreed.

[@coeniedevilliers8792]

Spot on

[@andrewbowen2837]

That last sentence hits close to home. I've been talking to a friend about how I suffer from loneliness and they have been trying to give me tips on how to be more approachable and relatable, but I just feel out of place doing it. So I asked them if one should really sacrifice their individuality just to be more relatable? Perhaps not. But it's a hard battle to fight

[@A.777-p8m]

Exactly.

[@jmfs3497]

Agreed. This videos advice is for narcissists who have no real life.

[@rickjl9492]

I was two years into a relationship with a woman when suddenly her behaviour towards me changed drastically. Every kind gesture was responded with negativity or apathy. Turned out she had fallen in love with another man and they had an affair (dude was married). This negativity was indeed a way of saying 'stop being nice to me... I don't like you like that anymore...". I can understand that. However, I think it was also quite Machiavellian - trying to provoke fights and anger to 'justify' a future break-up.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

My spouse of over 20 years ended our relationship the same way. It is a coward's way out, and disrespectful to everyone involved. Since learning this painful lesson, I much more closely monitor my own integrity, and observe and note the quality of others' character as well. I learned that character is by far the most important variable in relationships.

[@Intellectual_Wand3r3r]

That is horrible! I’m sorry you had to experience that and I hope your heart heals enough to find someone who can authentically love and appreciate you. I definitely think it’s important to point out that when people have unresolved wounds and avoidant attachment styles, they’re not healthy enough to gauge whether or not a person’s actions toward them are genuine. Therefore, genuine care seems “too nice” and becomes repulsive to them due to their lack of self worth. You essentially are mirroring to them a love that they do not possess within themselves and they flee from you. Once you reveal someone’s wounds you become their enemy, regardless of how much you love and consider them or have made a space for them in the past. Kinda like a wounded animal. Even if you’re helping them, they will still act aggressively toward you, not understanding you’re there to bring healing.

[@GenZealous]

L

[@grungepants]

I did this to a girlfriend I was no longer in love with. There was a power imbalance in the relationship as I had my own apartment and she lived with family. When I fell out of love with her I was short tempered with her, rude, I argued with her and I even cheated on her. I did everything except be a good person and break up with her. I was selfish because I was avoiding the discomfort of hurting someone I had an emotional connection with. Breaking up with someone hurts you as well as them. It's uncomfortable and kind of scary (What if it's a mistake). I know I was emotionally Immature for doing this. My karma repayment is that the girl I am dating now is doing the same to me.

[@Intellectual_Wand3r3r]

@@grungepants wow! Kudos to you for recognizing how your actions contributed to the situation. Have you reached out to the old gf and how are you handling your current situation?

[@lisabrooks844]

And this is why I'm an introvert and stay to myself. People are complicated......and I don't need the drama. I love my dog more every day.

[@Phoenixfliesfar]

I feel the same!! Glad I'm not alone

[@RR35592]

Yes!

[@RobbieNewell]

Basically

[@dudleyviban2764]

My rule thumb is don't be nice to malevolent people, period!

[@IshvaraGodCazimi]

Only I am benevolent

[@AlexiSimonov]

"Never offer services you were not asked to do" - Honore de Balzac

[@sirsurnamethefirstofhisnam7986]

Obviously he wasn’t a fan of charity work then

[@not-even-german4892]

Nope too general

[@anthonydunkley7844]

I actually agree with that quote. I've realised that people are more grateful when they ask you for something and you give it to them because you're actually fulfilling a confirmed need

[@MrTrollbaby]

😂😂😂 honor the ballsack

[@SculptExpress-gv8jp]

Horrible!

[@my_humble_opinion4019]

When people are annoyed by a kind gesture, I leave them alone. Life is too short. By the way, there are people out there who might misinterpret this video as an excuse to be selfish and rude.

[@ConstantMi]

or simply choose the democratic way as he mentions.

[@thecoldglassofwatershow]

Those people were probably rude and selfish to begin with

[@Riona146]

Exactly, I don't have the time nor the desire to bother with people that don't enjoy kind people.

[@ununhexium]

Yup, I recently gave gifts to acquaintances and the people who were rude to me about it I've decided to put no further effort into getting to know.

[@Eans_urban_jungle]

I used to, in my early twenties, go around like Mary Poppins all bubbly and joyful and sweet and kind to everyone. It was genuine, and I could never understand why people just turned up their nose. Regardless of the reasons why, I realized that it was wasted in this world, that only users and manipulators would gravitate towards me, and still to this day I have to catch myself when I simply feel like saying kind things to strangers.

[@jimb1580]

Actually, Mary Poppins is a surprisingly assertive character --- who comes into a situation and changes everything without asking permission. ☂️

[@Eans_urban_jungle]

@@jimb1580 haha maybe I was pissing everyone off unknown to myself

[@starcatcher3691]

I relate. Naturally sweet but people have trouble when you are kinder and nicer to them than them to you.

[@Eans_urban_jungle]

@@starcatcher3691 I think they just don't trust it

[@kimberlyfowler5748]

I’m having trouble trying not being nice, it doesn’t flow naturally

[@timeforme1708]

I think being a nice person or listening to someone who is nice is crossing boundaries that some cannot tolerate. Specifically, it’s a higher level of intimacy that most people don’t want because they do not wish to reciprocate. It also allows a person to be careless toward another person because there is no obligation to reciprocate in a superficial relationship. Now I am a nice person and I see these features in folks who find me intolerable. Those folks are nothing to me. I will not change for anyone. I do not like being unpleasant.

[@rayg.2431]

Who says you have to be unpleasant? Just being neutral sounds good, especially if you just met the person. Quite a few people get suspicious if a stranger just starts chatting them up or being excessively cheerful (from their point of view). Now if you equate being neutral with being unpleasant, I don't know what else to say.

[@biffmercury]

I finally learned that they’ll respect you when you respect yourself. Giving to the ungrateful? Stop. People being rude when you’re being nice? Stop being nice or just walk away. I started mirroring the other person and found in most cases, they tended to get nicer if they acted rude for no reason and I quit having anything to do with them, like as soon as they started acting rude. Wished I had tried it sooner. You don’t have to be rude back. Just remove yourself from them and if they approach you, they’d better be nicer and if they aren’t, tell them to go away and don’t come back.

[@ashleysalazar2012]

I like when people are nice to me. There is nothing that makes me want to be around anyone that is mean to anyone.

[@swiftkarma4436]

Exactly

[@nevertrulyyours]

That means you’ve learnt the concept of authenticity that attract people like you to be in a close bond, since it is an outcome of being your true self that they like and have accepted, right?

[@BasedTexans]

Same.

[@Mightguide]

Seriously lol

[@user-dj4fd5vc6c]

He wasn't advising anyone to be mean. He was simply making the point that just because someone is nice it doesn't mean they can automatically expect everyone to indulge their acts of "kindness."

[@ravenmeyer3740]

One last comment. Don’t feel sorry for yourself if someone doesn’t like you, or thinks they are better than you, because you were nice to them. In reality it’s a reflection on their character, not yours. If you are sincere in your kindness, don’t change behavior for the insecurities in others. That’s not your responsibility. Enough said.

[@richardw3347]

yep.

[@tristecherie7464]

why would u be nice or kind to people for no reason it is a reflection of lack of kindness to ur own self.

[@kyjoyy]

Yes!

[@amdiary7]

@@tristecherie7464no it’s not, it’s just called having hope for humanity. I’ll never assume the worst about anyone, I’ll always assume that they are deserving of my kindness, now if they aren’t, that’s not my fault.

[@rahulroyverma6061]

@@tristecherie7464 The world is working fine because there are people who are nice, polite, kind, care for others, respect others. If everyone becomes selfish, mean, disrespectful, soon this world will no longer be a place to live and become hell in itself

[@elinal.4625]

I appreciate kindness, never liked "the bad guys".

[@xdrazormon454]

It’s dumb

[@monikalenz2559]

No good deed goes unpunished. People don't want to fall under obligation to another because it puts them in a weaker position, that of debtor.

[@queenneurotica4591]

This is something I’ve noticed about a lot of people once you get past the superficial. A lot of self-development content is very idealistic, leading us to believe that once you heal your trauma, healthy relationships will find us in abundance! You can develop yourself but you can’t change how other people respond to you. I personally like my relationships to be reciprocal and I’ll quickly walk away from one that isn’t. Grovelling for attention, affection and validation, is tiring and boring - I have better things to do with my time.

[@clarkkent3730]

Amen

[@St3veWK]

I think us humans are fundamentally insecure, and when people try too hard to love us, we can’t help but feel there’s something wrong with them 😵‍💫

[@gnak6525]

100% this! Most people do not think they are valuable/deserving of love or affection, so when they receive it, it causes cognitive dissonance within their internal framework. The brain would rather the world make sense even if it is painful than to have a nonsensical world which is pleasurable, because one feels real and the other feels fake. The brain is wired to keep you alive, not to make you feel good.

[@YEC999]

Or it's simply annoying when someone you don't want to be to close, tries to come closer to you and disturb you in your peace with their unwanted "niceties". You sense they want something too what you don't have in store for them..

[@wallstreets7357]

Think u missed the point of the video

[@Tempusverum]

I have a better explanation: kindness is viewed as weakness because society is a cesspool

[@maratonlegendelenemirei3352]

Are you British? Brits are colder than penguins.

[@pbinsb3437]

My mother moved in with my for the last years of her life. She finally let me do things for her. I gave everything I had, emotionally and physically, to help make her life as comfortable as possible. She cared for me throughout my life in many ways. It was wonderful that she allowed me to return the favor. We give to our kids without expecting anything in return.

[@dragonfly5334]

Depends on the parent

[@amdiary7]

Absolutely.

[@ytdufy]

I agree that is a possibility. There is also the possibility that the person is ungrateful or even has a machiavellian personality and doesn't want to reciprocate. Then, when you withdraw, they have a seller's remorse and want you back. Stupid games played by irrational people.

[@Tempusverum]

@@13abcdeoh no, they have to reject someone. Boo f’n hoo. Try being in the other position for a change

[@markfennell1167]

💯👏

[@anthonyfaucy2761]

Humans playing dumb games to win stupid prizes

[@carlac9026]

@@13abcde Win stupid prizes.

[@yesitsme8702]

Wow, I literally was just told, “You’re too nice and I don’t like it”. Thanks for this insight.

[@1Jason]

Yes, I was too nice for years. I realised a lot of people don’t like me anyway, so I might is well just be less nice and do more as I please. Strangely, this helped my relationships.

[@Personalapocalypse77.]

" I respect and love you as a person, if you put me on a pedestal I'm eventually going to let you down and hurt you, I don't want to do that so let's keep it real" - Me

[@anonmouse956]

If you're nice to them they think you are compensating for not being good enough for them.

[@starcatcher3691]

YES!!! I would just say "overly" nice. Make them earn that niceness!

[@SSBakes]

I agree but the operative words here are that THEY THINK, you are compensating for not being good enough. So it demonstrates that person’s worldview where they equate being nice with inadequacy, which is sad for them. No concept of healthy relationships.

[@BD638]

FACTS! If someone is less than nice to you, it signals to you think person couldn't care less to keep you or not. Signals an abundance mentality which is always attractive.

[@ForrestMystic]

Isn't that sad?

[@kacyandlaura]

😂 yes!

[@raphaelna1]

If you're genuinely a kind person, then continue being you! Be authentic. Just ignore the majority who don't appreciate or see kindness and show your true self to those few who do.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

💯💯💯

[@amdiary7]

Absolutely

[@tommywallberg]

As simple as that is my opinion as well.

[@citramate3633]

If you're too nice they don't like you. If you're neutral they think you're uninterested or bored or they think you're boring. If you're disinterested or rude they think you don't like them and will get away from you. I often feel like there isn't exactly much you can do to alter a bad outcome.

[@Tempusverum]

It didn’t used to be like this, nor should it. Modern women are simply broken.

[@marcusmcgraw3519]

@@Tempusverum I believe modern men are the ones that are broken and modern women are just filtering them out Modern men have no idea how to be men. They’re overly emotional and clingy and only beg for sex. Most of them should be avoided, which is what women are doing

[@johnrodriguez2438]

@@Tempusverum Whose fault is that? That women are broken now days.

[@en2336]

@@Tempusverum It's largely the fault of their fathers for not being good role models of what to look for in a man as well as modern misogynistic men who will call women stupid and shallow and generalize their whole gender while wanting a relationship as if any women would want to be with someone who hates women. And guess who turns out to be bad fathers? Misogynists.

[@starcatcher3691]

Be quietly confident, have self respect, show interest in others but don't over give.

[@unionunicorn6776]

As someone who has never understood this thank you for explaining it. It’s wild to me that someone could be so ungrateful and actively reject love, but here we are…

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

It helped me to understand, but it's sad AF! The thing I don’t like about this video/take is that it encourages more transactional relations/less democracy in the long run when people keep the cynicism instead of rising to be better to each other.

[@Chicharrera.]

I always thought it was due to people hating reciprocity. They hate the feeling of owing you something back in return.

[@ct-gt2dt]

This is a much more logical explanation. I’m guessing you aren’t a psychologist so you didn’t have to make up a bunch of bs.

[@missstarrynight7736]

I would even go further - if you are kind to someone and this person hates the idea of reciprocity and doesn't treat you kind in return, then you can be sure you're dealing with the narcissist.

[@TwinSimian]

@@ct-gt2dt funny that you equate psychology with bs... are you religious? If you're going to disregard psychology as "bs" then why not disregard every other branch of science and deny that we landed on the moon? 🤔

[@shimmeringchimps3842]

I'd say it's hating reciprocity as well as suspecting others are really nice only when they have an agenda--want to sell something, pull a scam, manipulate, etc.

[@TwinSimian]

@@shimmeringchimps3842 that's exactly it, at least that's how I feel. And I recognize that might be a little neurotic, but at the same time, the grander someone's gesture is, the more I feel like I'm being manipulated, like I'm expected to reciprocate an equal measure, and that the gift was not actually given freely

[@jcnlaw]

Simply put: Attract, don’t pursue. Great video!

[@melindajordan9343]

Exactly! Pursuit, in the wild, causes a fright or flight response at first. Too much, at any point is smothering. Leave room for everyone to breathe!

[@1Jason]

Attract, don’t pursue. I like that.

[@HOOSIERDADDY24]

Wow! We live in a world where being nice can be a bad thing! Our society is so screwed up.

[@pantherman8719]

Yup. Being nice means nothing. It can even get you killed.

[@NolanJohnson423]

Niceity can easily be converted into lowering the other person’s guard, it was certainly like that in more ancient times when survival was much much less guaranteed

[@adithalee8660]

Yes, it is. Because according to him you're the selfish and self-centered and crazy one. That just shows how screwed up people are now. Back in the 1970s and early 1980s you'd say, "Good Morning" and people would say Good morning, Someone gave a gift and even if you didn't like it you'd say thank you, because they didn't have to think about you or give it to you." You were greatful for whatever gift a person had in the sense of helping you with anything and said thank you. There were fun family parties and events and people trying to get along. "Have we entered a parrallel universe???" It's a crazy world and anything that is sensibly decent now is selfish, self-centered, evil and mean spirited and hating and yelling and being nasty is considered to be good and unselfish now. Bizarro World!

[@adithalee8660]

But you know when I think about it.....back in the 1970s and 1980s everyting was FAMILY ORIENTED AND FAMILY AND THE CHURCH TRAINED YOU ON HOW YOU WERE TO HAVE MANNERS AND HOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO ACT. PLUS I FOR GOT WE HAD MR. ROGERS ALSO BACK THEN. BUT NOW WE HAVE THE BUSINESS WORLD MENTALITY DOMINATING SOCIETY AND FAMILIES AND THAT USUALLY INVOLVES POWER STRUGGLES, CUT THROAT COMPETITION (NOW FAMILIES ARE SHOOTING AND KILLING OTHERS) , SOMEONE HELPS SOMEONE IN THE BUSINESS SETTING THE OTHER IS ALWAYS WONDERING WHAT'S YOUR GAME AND DOESN'T BUY WHAT YOU SAY ,TRANSLATES INTO OUR WORLD YOU GIVE A GIFT THE PERSON IS THINKING WHAT'S YOUR GAME. YOUR TRYING TO CONTROL ME,, YOUR TRYING TO HARD, YOUR A STALKER ...ETC. SO IF THEY'RE CRAZY AND INTO OFFICE POLITICS IT'S BECAUSE THE BUSINESS COMPETITIVE WORLD MINDSET AND MENTALITY HAS ENTERED THE FAMILY AND WORLD AND KICKED GOD OUT OF THE FAMILY.

[@A.777-p8m]

​@@coeniedevilliers8792No, giving anonymously can be taken as decit, or misinformation. For example, if I give my boss who is married an anonymous birthday gift and he somehow figures our it was me, he may take that as I am hitting on him in some trickery, flirtatious kind of way, it's a bad idea.😮

[@SinguSoon]

If I'm kind/nice/decent/civil to someone, and they are disrespectful in return, it tells me that they disrespect themselves and have low self-value, which they reflect back to me. It tells me what their vibrational levels are at, which is in the gutter. The only thing I am 'expecting' back is the same I gave to them via kindness/niceness/decency/civilty, and those who do, are a vibrational, emotional, and intellectual match for me. When 'authenticity/honesty' is only about proving how nasty and vile someone can be to another, it's just an inversion and negation of the good qualities a normal person should have by insinuating they they are disingenous, and simply because the giver wants to receive back a standard medium of decent treatment in return. This is not inauthentic, this is authentic common decency and civilty. No civilty, no civilization. This seems to be a real problem, today, where people feel the need to emotionally, intellectually, and often physically beat the hell out of each other to 'prove' to the other that they are 'respect-worthy', rather than just expecting that it is implied. When self-respect is strong, there is little to no need to 'prove' to someone else, like some boxer in a fight, that one is 'worthy'. If the other person doesn't already sense or know this, it is a clear indication to walk away and stay away from them. When this is noticied between people approaching romantic relationships, don't walk away, but run away.

[@user-mg8if8po4e]

Couldn't agree more!

[@SinguSoon]

@@user-mg8if8po4e Thank you! 🙂

[@YEC999]

You are not able to perceive the video. You can watch it but not perceive it...

[@Tempusverum]

@@YEC999I can’t perceive your English

[@YEC999]

Haha. I agree it was horrible, corrected it.

[@Ianjr82]

This advice would've saved years of heartache in my teens and twenties. Thank you.

[@ratoneJR]

All people are, to some extent, mentally ill. Express your gratitude as you see fit, and let it go. People show you who they are pretty quickly. Keep your eyes open. Maintain boundaries as required.

[@Person-mh6xq]

I would say "mentally challenged" for most - to some degree. Then there are those more extreme people who are mentally ill.

[@nicolem889]

Just being nice isnt BS. You have to know the gift of making other people happy. Compliments change the world. It really makes a difference to instill confidence in others.

[@shellae1922]

Yes...this is pretty much what I observe. I compliment people genuinely. It makes them and me feel alive, connected. Often brief but a good way for me as I wind my way through the maze of a day

[@mitacestalia7532]

​@@shellae1922 I think I know why I disliked it when someone compliment me. He likes me, but I don't. His compliment comes out as flirting instead of genuine. 😭 Like you say, a good compliment should be genuine indeed. I like it better when friend, family or even stranger compliment me because you know they're being genuine.

[@Damesanglante]

🤡

[@nicolem889]

@@Damesanglante 💩

[@fadexrucks1598]

Giving is not selfish, reciprocating is not hard. And a true friend will not treat you badly for treating them nice. They reciprocate in their own way and in a way they know you will like or appreciate. That is what makes Friendships so great. It typically just flows. However very few people are “Friend” material. So don’t let anyone guilt you for expecting the same love and support you give them. Whoever does that is simply just selfish and not worth your time. Likewise, those who don’t reciprocate. I remember the Friend I just walked away from told me with a melancholy undertone, how everyone always leaves him in the end. Gee I wonder why

[@StephenHutchins]

what if they don't have the capacity or desire to give as much as you. that just makes them feel constantly indebted to you. that's not a good feeling for them.

[@fadexrucks1598]

@@StephenHutchins True givers don’t give to receive anything from their friend. It’s love, it’s sacrifice, attention to details and so on. Reciprocating doesn’t hv to be money or material also. Hell prioritizing a friends call, is a form or reciprocity. If you are a giver you will know that when you do, you are not keeping scores or tallying anything. Only manipulative and transactional people do that. So when you give, you typically forget. The problem then comes when the relationship or friendship devolves to you doing everything, and the other party does nothing but complain and guilt you. You are not happy at or around them, nor do they notice nor care that you are even if they do. Because it is all about them. The only “selfish” thing about being a giver i.m.o, is that you can get a lot of joy and happiness for putting a smile on the face of someone or solving their problems especially when it is someone you care about. If you don’t want to reciprocate (then you truly don’t want to be a friend). Then turn their gifts down. It is reserved for friends and you are not being forced to take anything from anyone after all. But these people are way too eager and happy to take. Furthermore, they pretend to reciprocate by doing something and reminding you of it everytime (when you’ve probably done 100 times what they hv done and you’ve never brought it up once afterwards). This video is just a silly attempt to placate selfish people. Reciprocating is not hard, you just hv to know the person (I guess when you can’t be bothered to know the other party, then it becomes somewhat hard).

[@adithalee8660]

@@StephenHutchins You k now what I thinnk the problem is. Alot of people have different customs in the North and South. Like in the North I could see someone feeling indebted to give to someone who gave to them. But in the South, they give for love or your family, or your a friend and you don't have to give them anything back unless you want to. So Southerners are more prone to the hospitality bent and Northerners are more into the business way of thinking and now there are alot of Northerners living in the South and people from California and so both groups don't see things the same way. In the South we were trained when I was a kid you say "Good Morning (that's blacks and whites) whether you feel it or not and if you have to fake a smile bc you're not a morning person you do it. You don't go in to work or school with a nasty attitude to make someone else's day miserable with your nasty attitude. You do stuff like that walk in and curse out the teacher or give the finger so to speak because you have a nasty attitude you'd be liable to get a spanking b/c everyone has a crappy day but you need to curb the negativity b/c it travels and then you have a class fighting and if in the office place people come in with guns ablazing and this is exactly what we have going on today. It's called discipline and a lot of people haven't been trained to be disciplined and positive in trying times. The further you go back in time people were trained to be positive inspite of their circumstances which is why you didn't have what we have today folks going into businesses, schools, grocery stores, malls and movies just shooting and killing others.

[@cheslasanford5989]

Ditto...Ditto...Ditto to your comment. When can we be authentically ourselves again!!!

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

​@@fadexrucks1598💯💯💯

[@ericvulgate]

The last girl I dated seven years ago went through this cycle CONSTANTLY all through each day without any stable periods at all. She was the worst experience I ever had and utterly convinced me that ever dating anyone was a waste of my time. All these psychological games can die in a fire I have zero interest.

[@Leonhart_93]

I think she was bipolar or had borderline personality disorder. Most people are either the adorer or the adored, not both at the same time, all the time.

[@jabnewmedia]

agree 1-billion %

[@symix.]

Dating single girl convinced you that dating _anyone_ was a waste of your time? I can't decide your conclusion, but I feel like that should convince you of dating HER is a waste of your time, if the pattern really repeats, then I would understand coming to that conclusion..

[@byroncary2334]

The mating dance bruh… it’s in the dna

[@DesignerAdvocate]

It crazy. Like these people are really messed up. Lol I not going to let me turn you into something that I don’t want to be.

[@MrFeelsGo0d-YT]

I never understand this line of thinking because I do like it when people are nice, I'll always choose to surround myself with people who build me up and encourage me

[@l.5832]

I work in customer service. I like it very much when people are nice to me. I also like it when coworkers are nice to me. I'll come right out and say it. I like it when MANAGEMENT is nice to me.

[@darthvader0107]

This is why, when I feel people pull away, I stop pursuing. The majority of my friends don’t actually want my intense and profound love, and they’re fine with sticking to online or text interaction. That’s totally ok! I’ve felt the need to pull away from people too when I felt the other person was giving too much; it made me feel like they were in need of something I couldn’t give and they were trying to buy it out of me with affection.

[@chandratownsend3891]

Exactly this for me too!

[@tysondance7476]

Did you ask them if they needed something

[@darthvader0107]

@@tysondance7476 I did. Now I’m at the point where I’m distant, and only contribute when invited or allowed, and I only give a fraction of advice I used to give. This seems to be the most effective way to show people I care without suffocating them.

[@mitacestalia7532]

This is actually a good way!

[@FaintAura]

Having to learn this lesson the hard way in a new friendship. In these scenarios, you have to, as the title of another one of Dr's videos states, "give them the gift of your absence."

[@dkeith520]

Definitely agree, from my experience giving too much appreciation too soon is not reciprocated sometimes. It’s best to let people earn your respect.

[@psychacks]

Yes -- too much unearned appreciation is suspicious. This is especially important for men to keep in mind in the earliest stages of courtship.

[@deyeland]

This is what I tend to do but it's naturally who I am so I never expect anything in return. Most of the time it's been detrimental.

[@moularkaslikala3289]

Many people don't like to be praised because they know instinctively that it puts them in kind of responsability position. So they try not to be in that position by rejecting the praises.

[@taramarielmt]

This!!! 100% I don't mind being in a respected position I earn, but not a responsible place that I didn't ask for. One of my employees makes me responsible for her day to day emotional status. She's BPD and I cannot handle the role she's put me in her life. I'm so uncomfortable.

[@comecorrect1]

This is me how I was raised.

[@Mereologist]

There have been a number of philosophers who argued that charity was not, in fact, virtue both because of the positive recognition being charitable brings but also from the good-feeling a virtuous person gets from being charitable. A truly and wholly selfless act, they argue, would not even make you feel good about doing it. While I think that's a bit much to ask, I do think it's no accident that most folk recognize that charity is best engaged in humbly and anonymously... anyone who brags about their own generosity was not, in fact, being generous at all. Virtue signals are more often signs of no virtue.

[@saadhasib9653]

I moved to the Netherlands (egalitarian, individualistic, stoic ideals - similar to many places in Europe) where my "charisma" (friendly, energetic, optimistic, talkative) has often been met with bitter resistance whereas it's been my greatest social attribute in many other places. Since adapting by calming the way I interact and slowing down relationship escalation, it's certainly improved (I still mess up often), so this makes so much sense to me. What an eye opener!

[@kaleidojess]

I've only ever had one awkward situation like this. I was at work, noticed someone who is not exactly well known but I recognized them and was just polite and told them where I recognized them from (it was 100% them) they looked at me with disgust. I felt bad temporarily but then realised how ridiculous that interaction was. It taught me the lesson I needed to learn. Don't admire strangers just because you might recognize them, it doesn't make them anywhere close to being a good or decent person. Expect the worst lol

[@lindac6919]

If it's any consolation, they probably hate it when people DON'T recognize them, too.

[@euniceo5345]

So true, man!

[@trailerwager8850]

No, they just didn't like being babied

[@thecoldglassofwatershow]

“Never meet your heroes” is a saying for a reason

[@rayg.2431]

Maybe he's been approached many times the same way by creepy people who wanted to get something from him, how would he know you weren't one of them?

[@soulcake76]

This behavior actually added to my demise of losing a job; colleague loathed me but when I pulled back, I had her total respect. Ivan Ed where I went wrong; I appeared weak and she used this to tell upper management she felt I wasn’t fit for the role; despite knowing I had the credentials. However, she had been there longer and was afraid they had plans to replace her with me; she confided this to me. I will never be as nice again. I have been told I’m too nice until I’m done being taken advantage of. I can’t blame anybody but having this information now confirmed everything-thank you!

[@namedrop721]

When you learn that everyone else is playing mind games, it’s depressing but you’re less of an easy mark Find out who is a dickhead and treat them accordingly

[@starcatcher3691]

I am someone who has been "too nice" too. I am glad both of us understand more now.

[@Mrcheesydancer]

This is why you go for emotionally stable people...

[@shillanassi]

This is an extremely simplistic take. There are many reasons why people don’t behave/respond as we expect them to, starting with the idea that what we think is “nice” of us might not necessarily/actually be. A lot of (particularly unsolicited) “niceness” can be controlling, or virtue-signaling, or something else that benefits the “giver”, rather than the “recipient”. People generally don’t like to feel beholden to others, especially, for things they didn’t ask for, or didn’t benefit from.

[@missstarrynight7736]

If I am kind to someone and that person behaves in an unpleasant way / punishes me for that kindness, then it's nothing to "recalibrate". It's not about weird psychological theories about "gaps". It's about good manners, class and decency. I am kind, because I am kind. If someone reacts as if my kindness is offending to him/her, then I am not going to change myself. I will simply not interact with this person anymore. People who don't appreciate decent kindness aren't psychologically healthy, and should be avoided.

[@HealingLuckyOfficial]

Perfectly worded. I’ve experienced this in a work environment. I back off, be less overbearing to them, even acting unbothered and that person starts respecting, admiring and making more effort with me, resulting in a great working relationship. It’s not manipulative, it’s just understanding others and thriving in a diverse social setting. Though that ain’t for everyone I’m sure, but my personality type is I like bringing people together, social skills have gone to sh*t lets be honest. We need more with social intellect in the world.

[@CariMachet]

Sounds like you are manipulating people

[@HealingLuckyOfficial]

@@CariMachet definition of manipulation: Manipulation is the skillful handling, controlling or using of something or someone In response to someone who doesn’t respect you or give you any reciprocity, there is no manipulation in backing off and stopping your attempts to make them like you. I just know my worth and I’m not going to please everyone with the same type of communication. It’s not manipulation, it’s respecting both your boundaries and theirs.

[@joanofarcxxi]

Don't care about if other people like you. Pay attention to whether or not you like them. I am so done being nice. Spent all my life trying to make people happy, trying to make them smile, being kind and agreeable, and getting run over and over and over. No more, buster. Now it's like this: if you are nice to me, I will be nice to you, but only a little bit, if I am in the mood, unless you are my family or friends. It's cool if you don't like me. I am only concerned with wether or not I like you. We live in such a messed up world that very few people are appreciative and respectful anymore.

[@YaYaDaCostaPasta]

You're advice is Stellar! Thank you so much for that. And it's true. A little bit of selfishness goes a long way.

[@FirsToStrike]

This is one of your most important vids that i've heard so far, it rang very true with me- particularly the part about how a person acts nasty towards you as a way to get you like them less, and they want that acknowledged, exactly so that they could like you more. I'm definitely implementing this in my life from now on, realizing that i should take the hint when a person is displeased rather than insist on them not being displeased or trying to make amends by being even more nice.

[@Ashtarot77]

This makes so much sense. I am, by nature, kind hearted. I always give and seldom get in return. As of late, the person I had an interest in has been behaving disrespectfully towards me. I made up my mind that I will no longer be paying them the same attention. I know he won't get the same elsewhere but that's his loss.

[@starcatcher3691]

I just had a thought. When we encounter others we shouldn't be pre occupied with how to get them to like us but maybe more whether we really like them. Or just be ourselves and let the chips fall where they may.

[@mustangstuff7213]

Yes. It's sad that such an obvious sentiment is something that needs to be explained.

[@MustbeTheBassest]

What's interesting is in my own experience, if I "take the hint" and back off, and they then like me more because of it, it is usually too late. I've already learned they are disrespectful or hurtful to me. Some people are just incompatible. Or at least have a lot of conflicting baggage they would need to overcome.

[@themuse11]

So... if you come on strong and then get your feelings hurt if they're uncomfortable - that's probably *your* baggage. You're already interpreting that boundary as disrespect. Boundaries are not disrespect, they're just boundaries.

[@MustbeTheBassest]

@@themuse11 it all depends on how you communicate those boundaries. If you act like an asshole I'm going to treat you like one. Then that's YOUR baggage.

[@painxxxl]

@@MustbeTheBassest also, noone has a fkin crystal ball...they can always tell you that something is too much. Nothing hard. Honestly I'm tired of this shit, like, just tell me you don't want anything from me and I'll move on. There is no way I would treat someone like an asshole for being nice to me...

[@deshaabernathy482]

The need to humble ourselves is critical

[@princeoludareakintola5758]

Most people are "damaged goods", messed up by past trauma. What they need is therapy not a love relationship and its not your job/duty to fix them. Move on to more compatible people!

[@MrNamenamenamename]

My dude. I do nice things for strangers all the time. I needed strangers to be there for me before so I will do the same for them.

[@vikki4now]

He not talking about strangers.

[@1Jason]

Doing nice things for strangers makes you feel good about yourself too, so there is a payoff for you.

[@Sugam5]

This explanation about being nice is so much better than any other video on the internet.

[@jaymatem21c2]

Rejection is just information. How I interpret it and how well I use it, is all down to the individual.

[@freeideas]

This gets much more tricky when someone ASKS you to make a sacrifice to help them (usually in the form of extraordinary time and effort), and then they seem to like you less after you do what they ask.

[@silverchairsg]

Then don't help them.

[@drjp4212]

You're simply being used as a tool. They didn't like you before, you're simply noticing they like you less afterwards because you expected some kind of increased consideration as a counterpart.

[@silverchairsg]

@@drjp4212 Yes to add on, ask them for a small favour in return. If they repeatedly show they are unwilling, then they have showed their true colours.

[@freeideas]

Right. Bad situation. Fortunately this is from a past episode and I hopefully have learned my lesson

[@laurieparis2203]

​@@freeideas I'm sorry you had to experience this, I've gone thru similar, not that long ago. The lesson I learned is give without expectation, don't give if I'll feel resentment if my kindness is not reciprocated. ( Which is also one of the ideas presented in this video) And choose who i give to more wisely in the future. I guess these things grow our soul, but they can be so disappointing. Especially if we don't recognize the lesson, and have to repeat it multiple times. Damn the Universe can be annoying sometimes! 😂 Hope we both meet more enlightened souls and smoother roads. Best to you! 🌸

[@maureenperes8541]

This is the biggest if not the main lesson I've had to learn this lifetime as an INFJ. My mind/ conditioning/ defence mechanism couldn't contemplate how nice would not automatically equate to nice. Damn! It was a real excruciatingly painful and humiliating lesson, especially in retrospect thinking how close loved ones thought of me.

[@babetweirdgirl4103]

I think people are disappointed when their efforts aren't reciprocated. But giving is a "gift", a gift has no strings attached.

[@Toastcat890]

I’ve just learned to mind my business I don’t bother to be nice or helpful because I realized it made ME feel good and I would unknowingly step on other people’s toes without realizing it now I just play cozy games to get that warm fuzzy feeling no other people needed.

[@TheVoltaire1]

Being pleasant is a good streamlined attitude to have. You cant go around customizing your attitude for everyone you run into; too much work. I will cut off people that aren’t receptive though. I need some form of dopamine for me to enjoy having that conversation. These days it’s 1 strike and you’re out. I don’t have the patience anymore.

[@shinobi_endure]

Same with me. If someone's in a bad mood, it's on them to own it and communicate their inability to reciprocate. If someone doesn't have that level of consideration, fuck them. Only children and teenagers get more strikes by virtue of their naivety and inexperience. Anyone above 19 and it's one strike and you're out.

[@timkelleher9999]

Yes sir I’m the same but also what I do is not look for red flags the next lady I give a chance to deserves a clean slate but if she can not appreciate a good man she can fuck off 😂😂

[@tjtampa214]

Funny stuff. Funny not funny. It is a lot of wk, you're right. Looks like most people that I've been reading in comments are mostly responding to a romantic situations. I am mostly responding to social or work situations... or even romantic, it all applies.

[@starcatcher3691]

I think that is a good idea...just be pleasant. If they are affirmative with you you can give a little more.

[@bystandersarah]

If people don’t like how you are, drop em! But also work on yourself…for yourself….not to just be attractive to others… Love yourself well. If you have to, be your best friend/ greatest lover etc. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than be in a poor relationship. I learned those lessons the hard way.

[@acemarsandy]

This hit home with me. I could never understand the feeling I had of “shutting off” when faced with an over-giver but the gap is it! I instinctively feel like there is always something underneath the giving, that it is driven by what they ultimately desire - and not by a true gesture of kindheartedness. If allowed to continue, the gap becomes a forced indebtedness to the giver which is terribly uncomfortable for the getter (who never asked for anything).

[@lightcardsatlisas3932]

💯

[@fulanichild3138]

I think this is a great video! I'm astonished at how many people in the comments don't get it. I am a very non-materialistic person; I don't want a lot of stuff. When people give me stuff, I have to put on a happy face and pretend that I'm delighted, whereas my brain is actually saying, How do I get rid of this without her finding out? As a non-materialistic person, it's very hard for me to choose gifts. Shopping is fun for some people. Not me. And even worse when I'm supposed to get in someone's head and find something they will like. But if someone has given me something, of course I have to reciprocate. Same with going out. I can't stand the weird dynamic of "this is my treat" because of course the treat has to be reciprocated. Same with people doing things for me. I always feel like I have to reciprocate in some way, so I have to keep score. This type of relationship becomes exhausting for me, and it's just not worth it.

[@thrithgolden2748]

We as Christians are supposed to give anonymously... Then the gifts actually mean something.. You NEVER want your gifts to OBLIGATE the gift recipient, nor make them feel uncomfortable. When you grow this in yourself, then you really feel the most amazing pleasure of giving.. ❤

[@melindajordan9343]

Amen!

[@samanthabeaty4578]

Well, this is massively helpful for me as an individual with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I just try to "do the things" to be liked and accepted, and in my weird logic I seem to think if I do MORE of the things then I'll be liked more and this has colossally failed most of my life. I come across as weird at best or like a love-bombing narcissist at worse. And it has also set me up to become a bit of a doormat as well. This explanation really helped me out and will aid me in adjusting. I've definitely learned that if I'm just being kind to serve myself and my kindness makes someone else uncomfortable then it's really not kindness at all. It's just hard for me to tell where the line is and how to pick up on the cues that it's not appreciated.

[@phasein5413]

Yo. Same boat, at least so far as autistic and getting the impact of that. Sounding that helps me a bit is nice vs kind. Nice is an act, like social manners or business smiles or manipulation in the bad light. It's a set of roles that doesn't take the people as they are right then at the main point. You want something. Kind is caring about the person as they are. Healthy might be being wise/skilled/present enough to be kind to yourself and others at the same time. Mostly clarifying my own thoughts. Liked yours too, thanks. Best of luck!

[@rayg.2431]

Excellent post - it's refreshing to see you are aware of your effect on others, especially after reading a poster upthread who felt that people who don't respond positively to their "niceness" must be "insecure, lacking awareness, intuition" etc. - maybe that poster needs to examine themselves...

[@Hari983]

It is mind blowing how being too nice can be selfish. That was a mind blowing realization for me. Great video as always

[@markfennell1167]

Exactly it’s the perverted way of thinking get the majority of modern women think this way. We know that being nice and kind comes from the soul the exact opposite of selfish. We are truly being caring and wanting the best for others. But somehow if we do something good for another person we are now considered having a selfish motivation and hiding our true agenda

[@starcatcher3691]

@@markfennell1167 Okay, speaking from another over giver, let's be honest here. Women are rejected all of the time for being too giving and nice as well. Let's admit that. It has to match their feelings.

[@adithalee8660]

@@markfennell1167 What's so sad aobut it is the more people think nice behavior is selfish and self-centered we're going to have more mean and nasty people b/c others will feel that's what people respect and accept. It's sad.

[@southernexposure123]

If someone prefers you to be less nice to them and you ARE less nice then you're being more nice to them.

[@MSG12361]

Thanks for explaining this! I see this all the time and could never for the life of me understand why I sometimes get treated negatively when I do something nice for someone. I used to chalk it up to them just being insecure or maybe not used to it, but it's helpful to know about the attraction gap and how my behavior could be widening the gap in a way that is uncomfortable for some people. Since it isn't my intent to make anyone feel uncomfortable I'll be more mindful of how my behavior can be received and try to get to know people enough to learn how they'd like to be treated in the event that me and/or anyone else would want to do something nice for them.

[@kashemvai5025]

Liking is not just adoring someone its also channeling attention to them, so when you channel too much attention people think you are demanding their attention towards you which people dont want to do involuntarily

[@meepaleep]

Yeah it makes sense. If being “nice” is making someone uncomfortable, then let it go. More is not always more.

[@Nando_lifts2021]

This is some hard pill to swallow. I wish it wasn't all this nuance sometimes

[@dend1]

Crazy is liking others before they actually do actions that justify liking them in the 1st place

[@SwornInvictus]

I'm not 'nice' to people directly, I demonstrate it through actions and good manners. Did me a world of good.

[@pattycakesinc]

This is absolutely true. Any time I have ever liked a girl and put increasing amounts of effort to win her affection after each subsequent failure only made the situation worse. Like Newton's third law, "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction". The harder you push, the harder she gets pushed away.

[@JohnSmith-ct5jd]

Look, dude, the girl didn't like you. Whether you were nice, mean, or indifferent. You were not "pushing her away." Just move on.

[@kaberigomes2117]

​@@JohnSmith-ct5jd So true. But do you believe there is something called turning people on and Off? Women prefer naughty and bad boy trait for sexual preference. When men show good boy attitude, it turns women off for sexual preference.

[@candorsspot2775]

This is true for friendships as well. Being too nice comes off as fake, needy, and there might be something wrong with you to be compensating so much. A woman doesn't want a man that is so desperate for a woman that he's practically begging her. She should always feel like she is wanted but not needed. You have other options.

[@francocardelli4563]

Just initiate and let go... even if it would work, the moment i feel that i would have to start convincing or winning over, i am done. I have to know she wants or would want, whatever - by herself...

[@Infamous-El-Guapo]

Same here bro

[@Simplez321]

I though there was something wrong with me, the way I talk or the way I present myself, turns out they just don't like that kind of milk. Thank you lots for sharing this, truly makes my life better, in dealing with others, I now know how to properly calibrate how nice I have to be! Thankyuu!! huhuhu

[@pambanks7347]

"treat people like they treat themselves..Watch how kind of unkind they treat themselves..Or; The people who represent them in their "Tribe" or social circle..That's the true indication of who they are .and how they like/need/wish to b treated.

[@Matt-fs1yy]

All this man's videos summed up: Don't hate the player, hate the game

[@adamsaben3299]

Thanks! Every one of your vlogs blow me away with stone-cold TRUTH and, whew, this one may be your best yet. You are changing lives, Sir.

[@northshorelight35]

People who don't want a nice partner has probably never been with a mean, toxic person. I also think it's because their feelings aren't growing as fast and they fear that your frequent adoration is making them feel guilty. Then their focus is always on that instead of growing feelings for you.

[@wittymystic7361]

I agree.

[@oliviang2815]

There's a thing called being "overly-nice". An old friend of mine was like this. She tried to help as much as she could without me asking, gave me gifts even though I told her I didn't like gifts, insisted to do things for me even though I said no. Told me to just let her take care me ☹☹ And I have never felt this intense uncomfortable feelings towards someone else as I did when she was around. I tried to refuse nicely at first but she never listened so I had to be firm and eventually got super cranky just to get my points across. Then she got upset at me and told me I was being mean for no apparent reason. This means she has no self-awareness at all. She's been doing this since she was a child because she thought it was the only way for her to get love (her parents were controlling and critical of her). It's sad but it stems from her being in survival mode most of the time (which is selfish in a way). I felt like I was being forced into something I didn't agree to. I didn't feel guilty, I felt smothered. It's like now all of a sudden I have this person who is totally dependent on me for emotional support and everything that I do or say would affect her somehow. Trust me, you'd feel the same way when you experience something similar. Of course I shouldn't act irritated toward her but at the time, I really didn't know how to handle it. Now I have more experience dealing with people like her so it won't happen again.

[@OMARRIOO]

@@oliviang2815people like her is not a bad thing. She deserves someone who is genuinely kind to reciprocate those feelings. Just because you couldn’t do it for her don’t make you a victim.

[@oliviang2815]

@@OMARRIOO Never said I was a victim. Neither of us was the victim. If anything, she was in a very bad place and urgently needed professional help. I only described how I felt toward her actions and words. Besides the nice things she wanted to do for me, there was other instances where she acted inappropriately because she was unfortunately not taught about boundaries by her parents (I bet they have crossed her boundaries many times as well which was really sad), for examples: she said she'd rather kill herself if I didn't let her take care of me; she also insisted that I let her come to my grandma's funeral but I had to refuse because it was a private ceremony with only close friends and families - she has never met my grandma before - And then she got mad at me, we had only known each other for 3 months up to this point, etc). Her inability to express herself in a healthy way and my inexperience in handling such a situation made the matter worse. I messed up badly for sure in the way that I handled it but when someone constantly crosses your boundaries, you have the right to set it straight. It's totally okay for you to judge since you didn't know any details of what happened. But I believe people who have been through situations like this should be able to honestly voice how they feel and not try to help or fix something as extreme and potentially dangerous as this when they're not professionals (especially when someone mentions hurting themself and regarding you as the potential reason). Sometimes being genuinely kind and reciprocating is just not enough. The world is more complicated than you think it is. Even the best intentions can lead to tragedy. At least I can admit that I'm not a saint, an extremely flawed person at that but I would never let it go to my head and try to fix something I'm not qualified to fix.

[@jacquelinegrace3]

@@oliviang2815 oh my gosh!! Thank you for sharing!! I’ve dealt with that in a primary relationship - it’s actually quite selfish on their part. I got no say in my own life. You would think it would be great to have someone do everything for you… but it’s just weird!!! It feels fake. And then, if I ever disagreed or had a different perspective on any topic- I got the silent treatment for days!!! Creepy.

[@zxcvbnm703]

Yep. If you're asking for something in return then you're not giving. You're negotiating.

[@Twoyutes74]

07:50 "...but, virtue is its own reward, right?" The sarcasm flowed through that line 🤣. But thank you for explaining so much about my interpersonal relationships.

[@psychacks]

It has to be. If you want to be liked, be agreeable. If you want to be successful, be effective. Only be virtuous if you want to be virtuous. It's the only thing you can reliably expect from the practice.

[@tjtampa214]

​@@psychacks seems risky to be agreeable, they will probably call you nice. LOL

[@joannelewis3390]

Some people like being disliked. Because they dislike themselves and if you say you love them....they think something is wrong with you. ♥️

[@asiakym]

This just made so much sense to me. I've asked myself for years why is it that when I don't really care, when I'm a b*tch, dudes try so hard but when I really really like a dude, when I go out of my way to be so nice and accommodating, they always have to start acting stupid, this is the first explanation for that which actually makes perfect sense.

[@mycelium8]

The way I see it, it is the weak and abused who cannot handle kindness.

[@Lovecats956]

@@mycelium8 No abused people crave kindness even more after never receiving it.

[@entrepreneurialempress]

@@Lovecats956 not all to be honest most people don't feel deserving of it and in turn reject your kindness.

[@HarlowBurn]

5:09 amazing. Indeed, sometimes it is so bad. On either end of the spectrum, whether you're too distant or too affectionate, that can be a big tell on your assessment of others. If you're too cold, you hardly give people the time of day. If you're too loving too quick, you'll attach to the first person that matches your energy without regard for actual compatibility. If someone is head over heels for me without me doing anything in particular to warrant that reaction, what's that say about the reasons for which I'm being valued? It has less to do with me and more to do with their own need for validation.

[@aishavaldez5307]

Love this comment!

[@revolutionaryfrog]

This is a fascinating topic. I've allowed myself to become the adored and stopped being so nice and man these girls are addicted now haha

[@MrG100000008]

So many people like to use the abstract term "be yourself" but they never quite explain it like this man. He deserves a knigthood.

[@strictlycommercial1058]

"Virtue is its own reward." Major Briggs was my favorite Twin Peaks character, not solely because he uttered this expression, but because his character exemplified it so compellingly.

[@pfitty1401]

Sounds familiar! I helped a colleague with a few things, like recommending him to my doctor and got him some hard to find items. And then next time I saw him, he was behaving in a passive aggressive way and talking disrespectfully to me. I was completely shocked at his behavior towards me. I Stopped talking to him from that moment on. But this explanation finally helps me understand his self sabatoging behavior.

[@lagoldie9783]

It's not because you're nice it's because you're not the person they are interested in

[@adithalee8660]

👏👏👏 Exactly, And sometimes there are people who may look like you, act like you, nice like you but they may like that person b/c guess what they're related to someone famous, or their the interviewer or the boss or there's something they want from the person and you in there mind have NOTHING THEY WANT. These are usually selfish self-centered people who only like those who they can take from and if you're not someone they really feel fits their agenda then you offend them if you're nice to them.

[@lagoldie9783]

​@@adithalee8660 Absolutely. I wish they would stop encouraging people to change themselves so that a person can now fake like their fake image. Smh

[@missstarrynight7736]

Very well said! No amount of kindness, decency, good manners, care, empathy can convince someone who's not interested in befriending / liking you. And since such people lack guts, they will rather make you feel bad for the fact you're kind than clearly state they're not interested in. So they hint with weird behaviours like from a a kindergarten.

[@lagoldie9783]

@@missstarrynight7736 Exactly. I wish they would stop telling people that it's because they are to kind loving and nice or even pleasers. It's because initially your not ideal for them. Example, if a person has a thing for musicians, or entertainers, and you don't need the criteria, they will not prefer you! It's as simple as that, people need to really get this so that they don't waste time trying to change themselves!

[@missstarrynight7736]

@@adithalee8660 I had that colleague I wanted to befriend. I thought she was a kind person, because she was very ,very helpful. So, I treated her as a friend. We had long talks, I helped her in her work-related project. And then Out of the blue ghosted me. She moved to another country. Then she re-appeared online, but treating me almost like a stranger. I tried to talk with her about her drastic change of behaviour, but she actively refused to tell me what I did to deserve being ignored, or talked to in a patronizing way. Later on, I learned indirectly, that she found me ...shallow. And you know what was that "shallow" about? That I am enthusiastic , have sense of humor and have no problem with expressing a whole range of emotions. From her perspective, respectable people are distant, not really concerned about others, not really empathizing, they are ultra calm/cold and resemble some ancient statues of philosophers. Respectable people are also workaholics and perfectionists ( I used to be both, but thanks God not anymore). So basically the fact I used to support her, empathize with her and was her genuine cheerleader, who lives a life of moderation offended her.

[@Shonniy]

I've learned this lesson in painful, humiliating ways.... Wish I had this video as a teenager, would have saved me years of having to learn this the hard way.

[@starcatcher3691]

I know. Try being in your 50s and not knowing this

[@ralphthomas7868]

Maybe it's a testament to what fallen beings people are that being nice is off.

[@christywhitley6053]

This is yet another helpful perspective on this subject. I recently learned/realized that by doing things long term for some people is actually saying that I don’t believe they are capable of doing it for themselves. Ugh. Learning late is better than not at all. Thank you!

[@lightcardsatlisas3932]

Thank you for your reply It broke my heart ending a 25 Yr friendship that was based on what you say in your comment Couldn't rake it anymore and felt I was a bad person for getting so annoyed

[@tbmavenger71]

I don't think this is that hard to figure out guys. Be nice but don't simp for people. If people are being rude to you don't hold a grudge don't try to one up them just leave them alone to their own insanity. If they are nice to you again give people second chances and be nice back. Just relax in life guys none of this is that deep. Do what you want to do, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. If it's not reciprocated move on because you love yourself and you don't need anyone else.

[@sfrealestatedealmaker6001]

Be “polite”, don’t be “nice”. Nice is feminine, women don’t like feminine men. Just like men don’t like masculine women. I realize it’s merely semantics, but still needs to be understood.

[@tbmavenger71]

@@sfrealestatedealmaker6001 you said it, it is semantics. I'm going to be nice and if you or anyone else doesn't like it I really couldn't care less

[@starcatcher3691]

@@sfrealestatedealmaker6001 Women are rejected for being too nice as well. No one should be too nice. We need to have self respect and not give more than we receive.

[@adithalee8660]

Amen👏👏👏

[@lightcardsatlisas3932]

❤

[@y3Sound]

Yo this breakdown is 100% accurate. I love when you talk about the ego getting involved and the self seeking nature of people. I’ve been exactly what you’re talking about and i see it all the time! Thank you for this breakdown - you kept it a stack the whole time ;)