Duggar Family Deep Dive (Chapter 4)

[@w.m.8126]

Humberto's new job "I make grass look green"- I love it

[@lillim.5060]

Wow, the talk about the consequences of parentification really hit home for me. I don't think I was parentified in the strict sense of it, but I certainly was punished for any selfish or free behaviour. The result is exactly what was described here, expressing what I want or need is so foreign to me and deeply associated with being far too selfish and entitled. This made me take a closer look at some of my behaviours and it is kind of shocking to see them in this light, they always felt so normal to me... For example I can recall many times when I was spending time with someone and really thirsty, but I would rather stay silent, even if I already had a headache from not drinking enough water, than inconvenience the other person by asking for something or needing to stop at a store or something. That is pretty messes up, now that I think about it :(

[@lil89895]

What a great deep dive. My sister and i were parentified from an emotional side (we felt responsible to make sure our father is happy and we don't upset him in any way). We both grew up as overfunctioners with hyperresponsibility for others, working through it and are slowly getting better. Very relatable.

[@sabbymg]

Thank you so much for explaining parentification and explaining the different ways it can manifest. This was really eye opening.

[@em8066]

I was parentified starting at 6, with more and more adult responsibility as I grew. It's validating to hear about how this affects a person. It was also a fundamentalist Christian household in which guilt was heavily leveraged.

[@vidaudink3044]

Gosh this episode sure rang true for me. I grew up in a single parent household, seven of us kids with a mother with crippling paranoia, agoraphobia, and bipolar depression.

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

I'm sorry you went through that. That must have been rough.

[@hazelangus]

I've just started reading Jill's autobiography. Can confirm - Jill states she was looking after Joy-Anna from the time she turned one, and she also looked after James when he arrived. So, around the age of ten, she says, she had two baby sibs in her care. There were at least 12 children at that time, herself included. She also references balancing a baby on her hip while folding laundry at about 7 or 8 years old.

[@marjoleincloostra5665]

I was parentified (and traumatised). I really like the way you both approach this subject, make it also lite ☺️ (the humor 🤣 )

[@gabrielasofia4919]

I genuinely enjoyed this video! Thank you 😊

[@hazelangus]

I remember that Joy-Anna was really upset when Jill left to marry Derrick, because Jill had taken care of her and had always been there for her. Jill has talked about changing Joy's diapers. Because we know the ages, we can at least be certain that Jill was changing Joy's diapers when Jill was 7 years old. Joy is the middle child - 9 of 19. So Jill was her mum, but Joy was also a mum to younger siblings, perhaps from the age of 6 or 7. Viewers certainly saw Joy mothering at least two of the babies. We also know that Joy was the littlest of the four who were harmed by Josh.

[@nicolebarhorst6895]

The kids are weaned from Michelle at 6 months & given to the buddy. It is worse than you thought:( .

[@dysmissme7343]

😱😱

[@theclearfieldvlog]

Thanks!

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Thanks!

[@haileyluntz1065]

My childhood friends parentified their children. They had young children be responsible for bathing one of the babies and they turned the water too hot unknowingly and permanently disfigured her. She lost a leg from the calve down, her forearm, her opposing hands pinky, and extensive scarring on her skin. I never realized how responsible their parents were for this until I was an adult. I still can’t believe there weren’t more consequences especially because they were adopted kids, I thought there was more oversight.

[@onwednesdayswewearpink2761]

Thank you so much for describing by childhood of being parentified and how it shape my existence and life the past 55 years

[@aimeeshatto9504]

I've watched the show once, and I felt like my head would explode. It's like peeling back the onion and every layer is rotten. Putting the misogyny aside. These children's life was already determined for them. Girls become wives and mothers or if you're the lucky one that can escape a young marriage. You have the choice of a female centered career choice. There is no way that you can give a child the love and care they deserve when you're children are in the double digits. It is irresponsible to have that many children. The one episode I saw was a family fun day. The girls were of course making the lunch, and the boys were playing outside. That sums it up for me. I also have issue with all the children having all J names, as a tip to the hat to Jim Bob. Can't they have their own names? Their own identity? It feels almost like an ego thing. "Look at what we did?!" I also don't understand their obsession with sex. It's all about purity, weird side hugs and relationship hang ups. I can't imagine the dating and marriage world for them. What if someone dares bringing up birth control because they want a little control over their lives? What if a kid knew they were apart of the LGBTQ+ community? What do they do? God, sorry for the rant. The whole thing screams BAD. The known sex abuse, and lack of accountability, to the sexism. It all feels morally wrong. From the top to the bottom. BAD!!

[@klaythoring1326]

Freedom and having needs is so hard to adapt to, which seems so bizarre to most people. Having all the responsibility and none of the power eats away at you, and is really REALLY hard to unlearn. Still working on boundaries. And the setback of having abusers say I'm being selfish for the most basic of needs. Yeet 'em.

[@hazelangus]

Jill's autobiography/memoir is genuinely insane. I'm not even into it that far because my brain's just yelling "WHAT ARE YOU MAKING ME READ??!" at least every couple of pages. The book opens with Michelle admonishing Jill when she and a pack of little Duggars are playing in the snow. Jill mistakenly thought that was chaperone enough. She and her courtship partner Derick are sitting on the same sled. That's not allowed - boys and girls aren't allowed to sit on the same sled, even if they are 20 years old and just a month away from being engaged.

[@laurenwasinger9436]

The discussions about spending his own money was interesting to me. I think an older generation has this thing of forcing kids to take their money and put some in savings instead of just letting them manage it in their own, so maybe this sort of top-down control creates a feeling of wanting to spend but being told it’s somehow “bad”, rather than an emotionally neutral decision that you learn to make intellectually.

[@terryallen7356]

I hate parentification. It wasn't a problem with me growing up but I've seen where the older girl (it never seems to be older boys) have to do everything for their siblings along with having a list of chores to get done every day. If adults don't want to be parents why do they have kids? It's really not fair to put their responsibilities on their older children.

[@Mel-S.99]

Our issues with parentification is because the children are being parentified at the other parents' households but at our house, we want them to be kids. It's difficult to help the kids when they are out of our house for chunks of time.

[@helen.k]

Please make a short of being a teenager at 35:36!

[@Sweetieee]

I know this has nothing to do with this video but I just wanna say how much I appreciate how humble you are, even with your education & experience in your field. I’ve been watching this lady a lot lately & the stuff she says is highly triggering, she says some bold things about women ‘missing the boat’ by a certain age etc then says it’s backed by science or studies to act like what she says is absolute facts based on this. But you’re humble enough to state you don’t know everything, just because there’s a study on something doesn’t mean things can’t change, doesn’t mean we have all the information, the study could be done in a biased way to confirm what it is they’re trying to prove, so many things & you always give the caveat or express those nuances instead of having the attitude of ‘i know this information so I am right & you are wrong & if you get triggered that’s your own fault’ there’s so many people using research to build an agenda or back up their own crazy narrative out here nowadays.

[@keithcurran4135]

Humberto pls play something for us! I see that gear in the background

[@andedom]

Parentification sucks! I feel for Berto, I’m struggling to adjust from being parentified from a somewhat similar situation. Like Berto’s wife, my wife also gets frustrated with me for giving too much money to family and paying for too many things for friends and family 😂.

[@marshatolbert154]

My late father did the same thing. Over time it did great harm to our family. We are still feeling the effects 😢

[@OffWithHerHead1006]

Has anyone suggested using the Sister Wives show as a jumping off point?

[@laurenwasinger9436]

Hoooooooooooooooooo boy.

[@Andrew_Young]

It's so sad that these children have all the responsibilities of an adult and none of the agency and the girls will never get the agency of an adult, because they're submissive to their husband.

[@youtubekc123]

That's true! But some could get lucky with a supportive husband who lets them grow (because they'll need permission at first).

[@Andrew_Young]

@@youtubekc123 Fair enough, I hope they escape this religion, but if not I hope they find a supportive partner.

[@paulan7218]

@@Andrew_Young one of the daughters just wrote a book, Jill Duggar Dillard. It basically exposes her father for his verbal abuse and financial abuse.

[@allisonyoung2928]

12:34 Hahaha The "Law" of One Above Another is a very common religious practice in Mormon, Evangelical, and other fundamental circles. They describe it as an "umbrella of protection" All must follow this heirarchy otherwise their soul and physical well-being can be in danger. God>Church>Fathers>Mothers> Children. Essentially you (your body and soul) are protected from harm and the destructive influence of the devil if you are adhering to this law. If you don't you could be opening yourself up to cosmic punishment.

[@annieoakley8949]

The Funnddies encourage wife's to have a sweet tone, and always look longingly at your husband. It's not ok the children are born with jobs. Ie to take care of a sibling!

[@erinvandermolen3912]

I identify a with what you're saying about being parentified and have never heard this term before, can you recommend a book or course to take for this?

[@clayemenhiser]

Can parentification occur by having a sibling frequently babysit a youger sibling?

[@paulan7218]

yes

[@elyseparker5333]

Maybe it's just me but sometimes I feel like Kirk isn't as nice to Berto as he should be....like if they ever disagree, Kirk has to be the one who is right.

[@dragletsofmakara1120]

Not the only one. I was listening while cleaning and completely forgot Berto was there. His voice startled me when he chimed in.

[@Cahriicchuu]

There are a couple of great episodes they uploaded, I believe it's called "Berto and Kirk fight) and then a second part to that where they end up crying and Dr. Honda admits that he can sometimes be that way but he tries to work on it. It's a couple of beautiful episodes, the second one being one of my favorites. If you haven't heard them I really recommend them - doesn't excuse Berto being mistreated because Berto truly tries his best to be open minded and kind, but it does help explain a lot about their dynamic.

[@emmahathaway-vf6ml]

Can we please consider possible breeding fetishes that also might be involved! As someone that is familiar with the BDSM community it was a lot more people out there that I have those fetish then you would think. It also makes since considering the biological Norm to want to engage in intimacy activities🤷🏻‍♀️ I believe that is what Nick Cannon has as well

[@Kat4Saturn]

Interesting, I’ve not heard that theory brought up before with the Duggars but that could make sense for them or some other Quiverfull families

[@edbrown5956]

Congrats on the Porsche Humberto! If you have the money and are a big car guy I think it's a worthy investment. Caskets don't come with saddle bags for your money!

[@dawnmeyer8070]

Working together is a way life for kids that grow up on farms. At least it was for decades. Maybe centuries.

[@marshatolbert154]

We aren’t an agrarian society anymore. Not everyone who grows up on a farm wants to or even can make a living from farming. The Duggars don’t want their children to go to college or get any kind of job training that would give them independence from their parents. The girls especially have little to no agency, even once they are of legal age or even married. Part of the IBLP dogma is that children are perpetually under the authority of their parents, even once they are parents themselves! It’s so insidious.

[@MNP208]

The question that has never been answered... who was Josh's SA predator? It could have been one of so many family acquaintances.

[@paulan7218]

he might not have had one. They grew up in a very oppressed household. pretty much all of the married children didn’t have their first kiss till their wedding day that breeds a lot of curiosity as well as shame

[@Cindy-cy5hi]

I wish you would discuss how the reality show actually benefited the kids. For example, the show gave the family much needed financial stability, and because of the show the children were able to travel and meet people with different viewpoints from the ones they grew up with.

[@marshatolbert154]

Here’s a thought: Jim Bob and Michelle could have brought their children up to feel safe and loved rather than hurt and continually afraid that they might sin. They could have protected their daughters from their attacker instead of blaming them and forcing them to artificially “forgive,” on TV no less. They could have encouraged their children to think for themselves as they grew up. They could have given them an actual education instead of that IBLP drivel. I don’t think being coerced or brainwashed into parading a false impression of one’s life on TV has any benefits.

[@paulan7218]

before the show, they also had constant food and stability Jill Duggar Dillard just wrote a book about the good and the bad of being on reality TV