Cuteness Aggression, Fat Phobia, Introversion, and Daddy Issues

[@lannaintajak80]

The relationship between you and your good friend warms my heart ❤

[@fluffibaduffi7059]

Oh wow, the first 5-6 minutes really hit me hard. My mother never apologized to me and still almost never does in any given situation. She "doesn't believe in the concept of apologies". In her opinion you should just never do that mistake again and "prove" that you are sorry. It's so relieving to hear you talk about this topic! We just fought about this a few days ago and I am still hurt, even as an adult. But knowing what you said about remorse and apologies will help me through the next fight about this topic.

[@zwischenburkaundbikini2418]

Does she at least show that she is sorry? My Grandma also rarely apologized, but she made me my favourite food when she had a bad consience.

[@fluffibaduffi7059]

@@zwischenburkaundbikini2418 No, she doesn't. She defends herself, explains why she is right and I am not supposed to feel hurt or angry at her, because upsetting me wasn't her intention. That's how she is with everybody.

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Doesn't believe in apologies? Ugh. I'm so sorry to hear that.

[@ExtraordinaryMachine333]

Lifetime cat person here! I think the biting mirrors the mama cat grooming them as kittens. I think she does it to keep them still so she can groom, and then cats associate that as part of showing affection. They can also have their claws out when kneading, probably because it didn't hurt the mama cat when they were little and nursing, and their claws weren't as strong/sharp. Also, I've noticed cats will use their tails to show affection. Sometimes when I pet my cat, they gently slap me in the face, or will gently brush their tails across my arms. One cat will also poke me in the face to get me to scritch her neck, like "Hooman! Pet me here". They're complicated and wonderful

[@Theinfamouskiki411]

I need to join patreon! I really need a deep dive into dating and especially online dating. I know Dr. Honda is married but its really rough out here and it has gotten to the point where it has effected my mental health and I'd rather be single. I know im not the only person that feels this way and a bit lost in todays world. I'm almost 50, widowed for 10 yrs. Im self aware and learning about me everyday. Stable, but the sheer nonsense while dating emotionally sets me back. Not scared of rejection or finding someone but the volume of serious problematic people I run across is startling. I thought it was me, but talked to others and they have the same issues! are there any normal people left? Help us Dr. Honda you're our only hope!😆

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Yeah, I've helped a number of clients (and friends) with online dating. Very complicated.

[@Banaany]

Thank you so much for putting Long Covid in the spotlight ❤❤❤ I might be the very first person who ever mailed you about that, about two years ago (?). Unfortunately, I'm still very sick. Hope you get well soon!

[@Authentistic-ism]

Still listening, but I hope for some coverage on people who are averse to babies but still feel cuteness about baby animals. I've never understood this about myself. I really am uncomfortable around babies and find them really difficult to look at or have images of on display around me. Photography like Anne Geddes work is incredibly disturbing. But i'm a cat lady who coos at kittens???

[@ExtraordinaryMachine333]

I hate the Anne Geddes stuff and find it creepy. Especially the one where where baby is on a pumpkin and has the pumpkin "stem" coming out of its back. I always wondered why people wouldn't be creeped out by that. Maybe it's cuteness aggression. Interesting!

[@zwischenburkaundbikini2418]

Same here! I feel physicly uncorfortable around pregnant women, especially if they show of their "cute" bumb, and don't find babies cute. But I loooove animals, especially dogs. I have never seen a dog I didn't find cute.

[@RaymondJiang444]

I think your feeling is one that many people can relate to. My theory is that it could be that seeing human babies reminds some of all the responsibilities that are required for caring for and raising one (which could stem from attachment traumas from early childhood), especially since as humans we're likely to identify more with things that look and behave similarly to us. Not to say that baby animals don't require a lot of responsibility, but I think because they aren't humans, we're more likely to infantilize them, which is one way other than oppression and cruelty that we treat those whom we view as different from us. I think also we generally tend to have a less jaded and cynical attitude towards animals compared to other people.

[@Authentistic-ism]

@@RaymondJiang444 it's possible but I feel that way since I myself was an incredibly small child with no understanding of the responsibilities. It feels more visceral to me. I can't stand the way they look or sound or smell and I definitely did not relate to how adults would treat us. They would compare me as a three-year-old to a baby and say we were both cute and I the three-year-old definitely would have preferred the company of a kitten to an infant. But the adults around me treated us the same and expected me to find the baby just as cute as they did and pressure me to hold it and dress it and stuff so possibly their faces remind me of adults trying to put me in the place of something cute when I certainly felt more advanced than they saw me compared to the infant relatives.

[@RaymondJiang444]

@Authentistic-ism I see, so it seems that you felt like your own parents infantilized you as a young child, and on top of that, pressured you to have the same fondness for babies as they did. You say it's a visceral reaction, which is already pretty evident because things we find cute or disgusting don't just come out of conscious thought, anyway. I think even in your situation, my theory that not finding human babies as cute as baby animals could stem from childhood attachment traumas might still apply because you as a child wanted your parents to see you as someone more mature or maybe developed than a baby, but they still continued to treat you like you were still one. And because babies are both physically and mentally dependent and helpless, it's natural for children as they learn more and develop to want to distance themselves from any associations with them, especially if they were heavily infantilized or made to feel like a burden to their parents when they were still at that stage of development.

[@AurorasWindow]

The last thing you said about relationships filling the holes of past trauma hit very deep inside of me. I hadn’t realized that’s what I found in my husband ❤️

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

I'm glad!

[@miriamceornea97]

The cutness agressivness is something I thought about recently and also asked myself why I do it and to me it really just feels like an intensified short burst of overwholing love, if I just think about my baby cats omg I feel it in my body maybe even somehow where you have similar emotions like agression but it is nothing lile that, it is just a mean to express just how much you love that puppy and maybe a way of expressing it to others to make them see and understand, you don’t get hoe INTENSE I love this puppy eight now

[@Gokce-Aysun]

I always wondered about this cuteness aggression too. I used to have that when I was younger especially . I would hug animals and babies probably unknowingly too hard, my mom almost always prevented me from doing it. I actually got bit by my cousins dog because of this impulse. I hugged him too hard. And he was a huge Akita. I was little and had no fear apparently. This taught me a lesson. After that scare, I completely control my cute aggression lol. I still think something is so cute I can squeeze it, I just don't do it. If anyone is worried about the dog, he was not harmed or punished for biting me. This was in Siberia at a cousins house and all of their dogs were working dogs. They were actually very well trained. The dog only nipped at me to to scare me and make me let him go. If he was attacking me, he would have actually 'keeled' me. I also was not supposed to be around the dogs alone and I was being naughty and snuck away. There people don't put their dogs down for being dogs. I kind of don't understand why that happens as much as it does here in the US. Even for small bites. It's seems like a lot of people think all bites are aggressive. That makes sense about the curly tail thing. We have a Shih Tzu and they have curled tails. And this pet is one of the most docile dog breeds we ever had. All she does is lay in laps and beg for belly rubs. She does not even really bark at strangers lol. She just runs to the door, sniffs under it, and wags her tail. That's the only thing she does to let us know anyone is at the door. Even a stranger lol. My cats are totally psycho. They even cry very loudly when I try to keep them in at night because they are wanting to go out and hunt and kill things. Especially the male cat, he is constantly killing field mice, birds, snakes. They even bring in these giant moths a cicadas we have here in Texas. My kids freak out when they let them go and they fly around the house. It drives me nuts. 😂😂😂 Elder Scrolls Online is where its at. It's so similar to Dungeons and Dragons. And it's an MMORPG. You said you like to play a Rogue Thief I think. In Elder Scrolls a Rogue is called a Nightblade. And there is an entire Thieves Guild quest line. You might really like it, Dr. Kirk.

[@RaymondJiang444]

Wow, this may have been one of the most interesting and insightful audio podcast episodes yet! Even as someone that prides myself in trying to provide thought-provoking perspectives to common sensitive human psychology and behavioral topics, I feel like I learned a lot today. - Your explanation on the function of apologies was incredibly eye-opening. It seems like the whole topic has a lot of similarities with the issue of forgiveness, where apologizing and forgiving aren't necessarily about promising perfect behavior/less frequent bad behavior or excusing the transgressions committed respectively, but about taking responsibility for how one gets triggered or chooses to react. Your hypothetical person that's a jerkface but apologizes every time they commit a trangression makes me wonder if that partly explains why many people who come across as be total asshats appear to end up being the ones who have the most success with attracting other people 😅 For the rest of us, I do believe there can come a point where even the noble habit of apologizing for every transgression can no longer make up the fact that the person is someone prone to this sort of behavior, and that there is a limit to the amount of that behavior that we're willing to tolerate, no matter how remorseful the other person may be every time. - On the difference between being differentiated and being outwardly calm or deferential, are there any ways to actually know when someone's anger or annoyance is coming from a place of differentiation or not? And I mean as someone observing or receiving the anger, not for the person expressing it. Because if to be differentiated is to express your needs based on calm and planned out decision-making and feeling safe enough to know that your needs won't be dismissed or ridiculed, then it sounds like for a lot of people, outward, hostile anger wouldn't really be the way to go about it, since much of anger likely requires one to not feel totally calm or safe. Although I have witnessed plenty of people who could be very hostile and aggressively angry in moment, but then appear calm or even cheerful the next, which is something that is hard for me to relate to because when I get angry like that, it usually consumes a lot of emotional energy for me and as someone who's more highly sensitive, it can even feel like I'm yelling at myself on some level.

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Thanks! That means a lot to me. And regarding perpetual asshats who apologize: yes, if they don't put any effort to not being an asshat, then yeah, kick em to the curb.

[@Gokce-Aysun]

My eldest son is stationed in Hawaii on the Army base. He mentioned to me also that tourism is so important to many of the locals income too that a lot of them are actually pleading with people not to cancel their trips and actually keep going there. Because so many locals have businesses and that's how they pay their bills and feed themselves and their families. So the people on the other islands and unaffected areas and saying the exact opposite of what some of the upset people they have been showing on the news or other medias. I do really hope that they send significant aid to Hawaii. We have money to spend in wars and to help other countries and their wars, we surely have money to spend on the welfare of our citizens.

[@passing4normal]

Has Dr. Honda done a deep dive on fat shaming?

[@ExtraordinaryMachine333]

Not to my knowledge, but I think that would be interesting.

[@francares4utherapist504]

He did a series of episodes called "Fat Phobia," I think. It was around 2019. Berto was on the episodes, and he challenged the expert. There were some interesting yet uncomfortable moments on the episodes.

[@melissachinnici]

There is a metal song called Cute Aggression about the singer's cat. It's def relatable

[@miadifferent7306]

Re cuteness aggressive: I personally working on the hypothesis that it’s synesthesia. I stumbled on a beach with aesthetically very pleasingly formed rocks/pepples. And I had the urge to eat them! 😂 it felt like the message of oh that looks nice travelled a bit too far in my brain and stimulated oh it looks yummy as well.

[@Loves_three_kitties]

Fat phobia. I was overweight in the past. Although I've weighed 120 lbs for some time, I still feel fat shame. Its an internal thing. We have internalized the social stigma. I've been married to a man who has adored me at any wether 225 or 120 lbs.

[@squishmcmuffin]

goddamnit everyone and their mother playing baldurs gate 3 lmao my partners also played the early access game. i really should give it a shot but its very large and i have so many other games to play.

[@AllyMack23]

Omg I also had a dream about running into you in public and thanking you!

[@Gokce-Aysun]

I always have dreams about the friends I served with in the military. And some of them are usually pretty weird. lol Sometimes they are similar to the survival games I play, and sometimes they are being stuck on a 300 ft 6' x 6x pier while a giant blue whale is trying to knock us off into the ocean (lol). I used to live oceanside so all my childhood nightmares were ocean related somehow. I used to have a lot of Tsunami dreams. I will still occasionally have some ocean dreams. I also sometimes have space dreams. Like I was just launched into space. Just my body. I think either along with my adult daughter or maybe a fellow army vet. We got stuck on a kind of moon, but it was super small and we could look down and see space all around us. It was creepy and weird at the same time. I felt like we were going to fall off (lol). All I can think about when I have dreams like this is how I will get back to my children. And how they can't be without me. I feel immense pressure that if something happened to me my kids would not be okay, and my husband would not be able to take care of them. (I think that's why I have dreams like that and why I have that kind of suppressed anxiety that manifests in my sleep.) Dreams are weird.

[@Opety_dope]

My girl at the end sounds like she would benefit from a kink relationship. I bet she would thrive in a Daddy/girl dynamic with the right partner ( for some people this is a part of a sexual relationship but for plenty it is all about getting and giving a sense of caretaking and affection in a nonsexual agreement/partnership).

[@purr181]

I'm not saying the OP is like me, but I thought I was asexual until I discovered DDLG. Turns out I just need to feel super safe..!

[@_d_h_]

YAHOO!!

[@tlotus3032]

Yes I remember kill Haole day