Psychosocial Boundaries - How to maintain your mental sovereignty and resist the pull of others

Psychosocial boundaries are the invisible yet very real constructs that keep us separate from other people and from the world in general. Our boundaries enable us to maintain our truths and our beliefs in the face of other people with different perspectives and stay true to our values in situations that test them.
Get my book: For When Everything is Burning
bit.ly/forwheneverythingisbur...
Connect with me on TikTok:
/ dr.scott.eilers
Hear the Podcast:
bit.ly/PsychologyOfDepression...

[@DisEnchantedPersons]

Scott, I've lived for 70 years, grew up as a military brat, joined the service, got a college degree, got married, raised two men. I've learned that this society is a lie, the social contract is a lie. Justice is a lie, fairness is a lie, corporations' are the biggest liars. I've watched a relaxed culture turn into a paranoid melee. I don't wonder why suicides are up, or depression or anxiety. I understand why.

[@Dzanarika1]

Yes, makes perfect sense.

[@patriciamharris5664]

💯💯💯💯💯💯👏👏

[@kimgregory8945]

I could not agree more

[@amandabettis8150]

Well said!! It's scary out here!

[@C-Farsene_5]

But its a useful lie (for the people on top)

[@amandabettis8150]

I was a self described Chameleon. Changed with every person, so I was what they wanted. So, at 48, I am learning these things!

[@bumblebee_mrs]

Me too, I wanted to be exactly what every person wanted me to be. It was exhausting.

[@SouthernGirl999]

I used to be a people person but people ruined that for me.

[@Anadnaes]

I can relate

[@davidsimpson7307]

Yes!! Boundries are sooo important. I literally have had to cut people completely off from my life that sucked the mental energy out of me. Others I've had to limit my exposure to by saying hey could you call first before coming over so that I have the option of whether I want to deal with them for a few hours. Certain people dont like that and they have trouble with those boundaries but its healthier for me and my home life. They need to respect that. Same goes for unsolicited opinions. So many people have trouble understanding this.

[@crystalstrader9806]

I’ve been in therapy off and on for 30 years, and every therapist has talked about my need to establish healthy boundaries, but none of them explained them like Dr. Eilers. Thank you - again.

[@donnabarnes-adams6178]

I wish these things were taught in all homes and at school too. I’m 57 years old and was never taught these things…. So I’m more of a pendulum. Thank you for explaining❤️

[@dootersnooter5343]

My teachers had horrible emotional boundaries with the students it really needed to be taught :/

[@Heyu7her3]

We have to remember that A LOT of this stuff is new. Societies were built & thrive upon flimsy boundaries. It would require a huge cultural shift/ revolution for this to be commonplace, & is how we can have grace for ourselves.

[@Cassie-pt7mt]

I'm one of those walled off people or a hybrid. I was raised by a raging, abusive alcoholic father and a voided out mother. I've learned in my life that I can't trust a living soul. The times I have put my trust in people, I have regretted it tremendously. I am strong on the outside, but very, very weak on the inside. And I'm also a total people pleaser and a gullible pushover. I trust no one, yet will believe anything people tell me... especially if it's negative about me. I have been in a constant struggle, since the day I was born, setting boundaries in my relationship with my Golden Child older sister. I'm not even allowed to tell her, "No, thanks," without a several weeks long argument involving bullying, guilting, shaming, badgering...on and on and on. There are good reasons why people build up walls... to protect themselves from a lifetime of abuse.

[@noop52]

This video came at the right time. I struggle with people's opinions of me to a point where I lose myself completly. When someone says I am this or that I start to question myself. When someone calls me an idiot, asshole, nerd, etc. I believe it. I bend myself a little so that other people accept me more and hearing negative stuff about me from anyone gives me anxiety and sadness. I need to learn how to keep myself secure because lately all this pulling and pushing from people has had me in a hole. Thank you for this video!

[@amandabettis8150]

My hope is that you find a good therapist or counselor to help you with these issues. I have been the Chameleon as a young kid up until pretty recently. I have a difficult time saying, "No."

[@Shaqofalltrades]

This has been my past couple of years and the worst part is I wasn’t always like this. I am in therapy but I’m still struggling with setting myself up with a solid foundation of self that I can return to when others break me down. I wish you the best and hope your journey is making progress towards the life you want for yourself.

[@darkangelkate3950]

Scott, thank you for this video. It has come at a good time for me. I am single, 71 and sometimes I am lonely. But I wish you could make a video discussing boundaries between parents and adult children. I am finding it very hard. Having been a single mom for many years and now my daughter is a single mom, I am constantly worried about them and trying to help. Sometimes it is to my own detriment. Thank you for all you do. ❤️ take care of you too.

[@waleedrasool]

If it gives you any comfort, you are not alone. I have struggled with this most of my life and am still struggling with chronic doubt. I have a very hard time validating myself and being assertive with my values.

[@catherinewilson1079]

I had very authoritarian parents. This can destroy or prevent the construction of boundaries. I had to learn the hard way how bad it can be not to have boundaries.

[@freshlimejuice]

This helps because if by chance I ever do have the guts to voice my boundaries, my low self esteem has me feeling like I need to justify my boundaries to others so they understand why. Thanks for reiterating that I don't need to explain myself, my boundaries are my own and that's enough.

[@jomckee4447]

10 years of bullying at school, every day. Unfortunately, these boundaries would not have worked at that young age. Girls are mean. I too, went along with whatever was being said/ believed for fear of ridicule. Your band example was perfect.

[@bumblebee_mrs]

I went thru the same. Boundaries were the last thing I thought of for decades.

[@user-onyoutube868]

I had someone befriend me and thought it was so wonderful. After a decade of what I believed to be one of the most reliable relationships I had ever known, end without a word. In retrospect, I have come to understand that this person was trying to "fix" or "mold" me to what they thought I should be. To realize they never accepted me as myself was gut-wrenching. Truly, it gave new meaning to the term of "not enough." Once this person realized I wouldn't become who they thought I should be, and that it might affect them socially, I was dumped. The greatest consolation I have is that it reinforced my values I hold dear, and that I didn't cave. It has taken 5 years to process it all, but I learned a lot about myself, and to be cautious with repeated patterns of anyone pushing me to change.

[@summerwind457]

As someone who deals with CPTSD , I have very guarded trust issues and I have come to a point in my life where I do not trust. I am extremely cautious in interpersonal relationships and keep everyone at arm’s length at best. I truly know no one with whom I would begin to develop an interpersonal relationship. Distance, acquaintanceship, and superficial describes all my interactions and I do not foresee any change in that. I come first and that safety barrier is my only recourse to any human interaction. I seem to be viewed by others as congenial, outgoing, approachable, personable, and empathetic in most interactions, but I do not let anyone past that inner wall. I’ve learned the hard way that I can let them tell me their stuff, but if I open myself to anyone else, it quickly goes sideways.

[@barbbrown295]

Sending hugs…

[@nnicollan]

Im probably the opposite in many ways but theres something i recognize in what you wrote. Its really hard sometimes dealing with people. I wrote about my own situation: I seem to be quite open and feel comfortable sharing things with people, and oftentime it seems to work. What surprises me is when people pull back: let's say we've had an indepth convo about something and a couple of good laughs, and then the next time we meet it's back to square one like there was no common ground to start from, no level of even preliminary confidentiality reached. I find that very strange. It's as if I've opened my boundary to someone who simultaneously has shut down. Maybe there's something to be said about people wanting to "earn" a certain level of trust and if it's given too willingly they don't recognize/appreciate it. For me it feels like they are wasting away valuable opportunities to grow and share. I don't know if it's a Finnish thing or what it is but the end result is pretty lonely. It's hard not to sway to the negative extreme as a response to being "rejected". What helps a bit is realizing many people don't seem to be interested in expanding their social circles in general and that it's nothing personal really. At the same time we suffer from a loneliness epidemic though.🤷🏽‍♀️ Ultimately it's not good to let the presence or absence of other people define your life. Even if being lonely is hard it doesn't have to destroy other aspects of life. I try to focus on things i can affect like working out, studying, work, my closest relationships, my health. Other things I can't do much about and try to approach them from a somewhat disattached observer's point of view - very hard for me but that's what it is!

[@sarahjaneross2918]

I'm the medieval castle type 😂 My drawbridge is firmly up. But inside my castle it's filled with pets, plants, books and magical things! 🎉 I have found the world outside mostly hostile, so I get straight in my car and drive towards nature ❤

[@vanessaprincesssa]

This is the best video on Boundaries. Interestingly, it’s the only video that I’ve seen that finally explained to ME that I have to set boundaries with MYSELF, not with other people, like I thought it was so far. Timestamp: 0:58 I may be dumb for not knowing this… but here we are 😄 THANK YOU for this video!

[@DrScottEilers]

Nothing dumb about it. These are concepts most of us are not taught

[@vanessaprincesssa]

@@DrScottEilers Thank you so much for the reassuring answer and for the fantastic work that you do!

[@OnlyOneName]

I agree with you 💯

[@TheNormallyOpen]

@@DrScottEilers Hello from the UK, another helpful video - thank you. I appreciate the idea of bringing awareness to the emotional contagion we experience with others. All the best

[@Shaqofalltrades]

It has taken me YEARS to realize I lacked a boundary. I remember my best friend in middle school told me that I had a hard time saying “no”, when I was just afraid of being hurt. I so often went with others ideas and visions that I lost track of my own. I see now I have a pendulum style boundary type and it’s like a revelation of something I can start work on. I’m so thankful you’re giving this type of information out for free. It’s like someone is opening the curtains to let the light in for the first time.

[@hazem8491]

Man, that's easily that best I've ever heard about boundaries! I especially loved how you clarified the difference between people vs. their titles and the fact that people change. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@avathemis9878]

This is the most helpful explanation I have ever heard. I had no boundaries at all when I was young-a therapist once said to a violent ex in front of me, “she believes everything anybody tells her”. The therapist wasn’t aware of the dysfunction in the relationship, and was trying to help, but I think that ex found that very useful in exploiting my lack of boundaries. I attribute my lack of boundaries to a lack of self trust resulting from a very neglectful and invalidating childhood experience. I cannot remember why I decided my own perceptions and interpretations were not reliable, but I operated from that assumption my entire life.

[@annastone5624]

I’ve had the same thing. In my experience I know I didn’t ‘decide that my perceptions were not reliable’ I was told my perceptions were wrong over and over and over and over and over.. from childhood through to recent times.

[@OnlyOneName]

You both sound like you have been gaslighted by a narcissistic parent. Have you researched this subject? I have a similar experience.

[@natashaleahbecker1276]

Such a valuable message, thank you for explaining and sharing all of this helpful insight. This helped me so much and makes so much sense. I can see I've either had little to no boundaries or I've been completely isolated and walled off from everyone in this pendulum style. This really opened my eyes to how important inner boundaries are and its impact. Thanks for the guidance on how to deal with unsafe and safe people and how to be mindful of that. I don't have any safe people in my life at the moment and I've had lots of trauma but this has inspired me to see where I can create changes for myself and make some empowering choices based on these principles and wonderful guidence. I will work on this now, thank you again. It brought me hope. I am glad I have come across your channel.

[@DrScottEilers]

Welcome! I’m glad this was helpful

[@natashaleahbecker1276]

@@DrScottEilers Thank you for your warm welcome and message Dr. Scott.

[@gabriellemorellisinger1608]

Same here

[@bumblebee_mrs]

I went thru over 4 decades without boundaries. It has only been 2 years since having them. Makes for a very lonely life.

[@NationalPK]

You know, I’ve been thinking about that too. But I’ve realized that true connection can only happen when two people have an authentic exchange in conversation, which means you should have your own opinions and views you go by

[@evilsensei8262]

After watching this I realize that I have pendulum type boundaries. Swings wildly to the extremes. Thanks for this insightful video!

[@mar2nya789]

Sometimes you have to start small (building boundaries) and keep going. Once you see how liberating it feels, youll never go back. Its like reclaiming your life. Its mostly to make others respect you and your way of life. It will give you extra confidence.

[@evadebruijn]

This! So many times I see (in other people, but I know I do it to) they try to not sweat the small stuff and let things slide. But! Then there is no training / gaining experience in the act of boundary setting so once you find yourself faced with a big fat hairy boundary you need to set you will have no experience because you let all those 'training opportunities' go by.

[@jill-of-all-trades]

@@evadebruijn Great point.

[@debbie960]

I have just been setting boundaries after all of these years. I didn't know about them. This explanation, they are inviting you to share their opinion of you, is such an awesome way to think of what they say! I'm so sensitive about what people say and didn't know how to deal with it, so wow does this ever help ❤

[@ilenekuhns3463]

"What will the rules of engagement be for you?" Such a helpful question to ask.

[@rhonmc2782]

How to set a boundary. I know your work deals mostly with us who are hardcore deep in depression and anxiety that therapy and meds etc have had little impact on. HOWEVER, there will be newbies following you too and I feel vital information on "how to make a boundary" when you need to tell someone about it so they can respect it. There is a skill in telling someone of your boundary in such a way it does not hurt someone you want to stay close to (or even cause worse problems for us if they get offended). Putting it into best language to keep yourself safe and even maybe closen a tie when everyone knows where they stand is just SO important. Though your vid was excellent, I fear that some will try and impose a boundary and make things worse by the way they say it OR just say withdraw / avoid silently in such a way that others who you value wonder why you are acting like that and I'm turn have unnecessary negative consequences. Yes, having boundaries are essential but there is a necessary skill set on how to make them go smoothly

[@michele0324]

Your content and your delivery are phenomenal! ❤

[@DrScottEilers]

Thank you! 😊

[@carolinstevenson2254]

Thank you..

[@patriciamharris5664]

💯💯💯💯👏👏

[@libbyrumary4939]

This is so very helpful. You are one of the best psychologist therapists. I’ve heard the way that you express things and talk about mental illness concepts is very resonating. Thank you so much and keep this going.

[@auspicious6703]

Wish I had watched this a long time ago. And that ecosystem analogy is so good.

[@Ann963]

This is really great for boundaries 101, the basics. We need it, this is so good! However, can you do a follow-up about healthy boundaries? It would especially be to clarify boundaries within intimate relationships. This could be a significant other, child, roommate, etc. The example of "this is my house my stuff" is perfect, because there are many times we have to be much closer proximity and boundaries are not so easy to clarify.

[@carijay]

This is great and i needed this. However, right now I am struggling with boundaries due to a parent with Alzheimer's disease. There is a conflict between my need for boundaries and my values as a human being. We have her in a place, but my boundaries are constantly being crossed. The staff is good, but they can only do so much. She calls me to ask me what she forgot. I go there once a week to give her some "freedom" by letting her go to the store, or whatever, but now she expects that, and calls me every single day to ask when I am coming again. Her hygiene is terrible. I want to just go in there and make her shower ( more than staff is able to do), but it really makes the unpleasant enough visit even more unpleasant. This situation is so disruptive and depressing. Edit to add: I should mention that I never had a great relationship with her to begin with. None of us did. She was not a bad person. She was just completely inept. We pretty much raised ourselves. My sisters brought her to my state because NY has facilities to take her. Theirs didn't. They don't expect me to do everything. In fact, they don't care if I visit at all. We talk constantly to stay organized. They deal with things like finance etc. One is a lawyer, one is a very high level business woman and I am an ESL teacher. Obviously, I have have the least amount of resources, and that includes time. We all have POA. They are helpful. They even flew in to visit. However, by default, this is a bigger burden on me, because my lifestyle and mental space has been invaded.

[@DrScottEilers]

If your values can put you in a situation where the boundaries you need to have in place to function can be compromised, is it possible that your values need to be adjusted?

[@carijay]

@@DrScottEilers Anything is possible. My values right now center around my work. I love my work. I teach English remotely to people ( mostly teenagers) in China. I have to work Beijing hours. I'm not paid that well, but I make enough to meet my needs. I've never been so happy. My work is DEEPLY satisfying to me. Still, I manage to visit my mother once a week and give her a sense of autonomy by letting her sort of "be the boss" for an hour or so. I take her where she wants to go. But the responsibility is daily. She calls constantly. She has learned that if she says or does certain things, the staff will let her call at any time. She has interrupted classes. I'm not in a position financially to sacrifice my job and I don't want to have to. That's why she is there. I've already been ( and am) a parent. My adult (24) son and I have a great relationship, but this is the period of my life where I am supposed to have some freedom. This is probably the last job I will ever have. Edit to add: Or did you mean ":adjusted" to be stronger? So, coincidentally, shortly after i posted this, I got 4 calls in a row from her and kind of "stood up for myself" by asking staff not to let her call so much. Thinking about it now, it was a direct result of listening to this video. It turned out that she had threatened suicide. They had to let her call to cover themselves. They had to report that to her health care professional. The doctor recommended therapy. I mean, she can't remember what i told her 5 minutes ago.. She can't figure out how /where to put a straw in a take out iced coffee, much less how to commit suicide, but now I am going to have to take her to a therapist , I guess, because that what I am being advised to do. I am assuming that would be to get it on her record, because I highly doubt that therapy ( counseling) is going to help at this stage of her degeneration. In my mind, the goal is to make her passing as painless as possible. She isn't going to learn any coping skills that can stick. Therapy is GREAT! I've had my share of it. But there is a point in life where you just want to focus on living. Lately, that is becoming a challenge, due to my mother's condition. Oh, and I don't think I mentioned this... This all happened immediately after i had surgery for two abnormally large parathyroid adenomas. I had two silver dollar sized masses in my throat that were sucking the calcium out of my bones for eight years , causing unbearable pain, fatigue and (reversible) osteoporosis in my wrists and lower legs. I used to be a marathon runner and very productive, so this was devastating to my life. I am still trying to recover ( my health and life) fully. She was dropped on my doorstep the day after surgery, because they literally had nowhere else to put her. No one has time to read all this.... Sorry for the diatribe.

[@evadebruijn]

​@@carijayOh I read it all and I take my hat off to you dear Wishing you lots of strength and lots of supportive and understanding people in your life, I understand the values dilemma but try to remember the classic when it comes to why putting yourself first is life saving advice: Put the proverbial oxygen mask on yourself first 🍀✌️

[@Ann963]

This is so hard and know that you deserve care too. Define what you need to protect your peace. Communicate some guidelines IN WRITING (a good idea in general, but especially when cognition/memory is already an issue). Talk to someone, you need support, be it a therapist, a support group, a close friend who is ok to talk to about this, etc. At some point, you have to walk away and let your mom be chaotic and live with the consequences. You are not responsible for managing the emotions or actions of anyone except yourself. If you are a primary caretaker of a dependent, then yes, you are somewhat (to varying degrees) responsible for helping them manage their emotions and actions. But it is still your *first* responsibility to manage your own emotions. It's like putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else.

[@Zonaskiosk1]

I read it and I am in a similar situation with my father here in the Netherlands.. trying to establish boundary’s , having a lifecoaching, and not feel guilty when I don’t pick up the phone or even block when it gets to much. Good luck!

[@big-stinky-cactus]

I've been learning a lot about self differentiation and this concept sounds just like that. It's been a life changer. You explain it super well too, good video!

[@MS-gy7bk]

I feel like your teaching me things I should have been taught as a child .

[@Crysta1986]

Boundaries are lacking with my family to such an extent that they pretty much run my life. At times I didn't know who took my debit card or my car. I let them take over my apartment while I just lied there on the couch suicidally depresed. They just left me there to die (what it felt like). All I think about is trying to get away so I can develop my own life. I'm 37 years old. Not married, no kids, no degree, no friends. I have no prospects in life because I keep getting sucked in to their problems. It's really bad, but at least I'm aware of it. As far as fixing it, I don't know how.

[@caleighh6]

Can you possibly access some therapy to guide you with this? Sounds like you need some help articulating what you want your boundaries to be, and give you some confidence to express them. Also….maybe change the locks on your apartment…🤷🏼‍♀️ that sounds crazy maybe but from what you wrote it doesn’t sound like your family are showing very much care from you, and at least that way you could certainly stop them from having the run of your own personal space/home. You can do this 🫶🏼

[@Monkey_PNut]

Feeling your pain here. I pray you can incrementally begin to congratulate yourself every time you do something good for you..building up your confidence from the inside to change this painful dynamic

[@msbeecee1]

Ur life begins at the point when u change the locks on ur apartment & ban family from it. U can meet w them anywhere else if u want to see them. If u have the insight that they are ruining ur life, then u are also responsible for setting boundaries against them. If u don't, then u are choosing victimhood.

[@patriciamharris5664]

Crysta.. Are these folk/family who live with you? If not, or even if so, why would you allow them access to your debit card or car keys.? Girl. Take control of your life. It starts with a decision to do so. Take a stand. DO NOT let their attitude/reaction/s intimidate you. Live your life. Start today!! Do something small for YOURSELF!!!❤❤❤

[@patriciamharris5664]

​@@msbeecee1👏👏👏👏💯💯💯💯💯💯👍

[@Here_For_Now]

You have no idea how helpful you have been for me ❤ I don't have a lot of money, so it's been like free therapy, and I appreciate you so much

[@Gypsywandering400]

Really clearly expressed. Thank you for this sound, common sense approach to the subject of boundaries.

[@lulusworld2703]

I loved this. It is something I am working on. I think the ability to have safe boundaries depends on having a well developed sense of self. Many people self abandon(especially with trauma in their past) and so the idea of setting Psychosocial boundaries can feel vague at best. Dr.Eilers thank you for making such important content so easy to understand and accessible.

[@cbaxter7837]

Dr Scott, I can’t thank you enough for this video and your other videos. I am in my seventies and finally finishing growing up (better late than never). This video really helped me unlock and understand a problem I’ve had with boundaries and never knew it. With a life-long struggle with depression and anxiety, your videos are giving me insight and hope that too many years of therapists never did. The last therapist told me I needed to read a book on self-compassion in order to quit being hard on myself. I never went back. I am working through your videos and taking time to think. Your approach and content are really helping. Thank you.

[@catriona_drummond]

Don't want to comer over as smug or such but it does feel good to hear about a problem that I don't have. Or have solved a long time ago, I don't know. Suppose I set boundaries when I was bullied at school and I decided not ever in my life to be a bloody doormat to anyone. And I worked out for me, I made my back straight a few times in my life, like when my CEO wanted me to sign off something I had not personally checked and I said no, being a junior employee. Or when my friends all decided to leave the bar without paying and run, because the barman was a bit drunk and wouldn't be quick to react and I said they could leave and I myself would pay the bill for all of us or they could stay and pay their own bills. They stayed. I was 20. But as you said, boundaries can be a fortress. And I have not always been on top of checking whether the battlements need a bit of a rework. And I have also learned bitterly not never hold anyone in the whole world to my own standards.

[@anatman6304]

I have watched many of your videos and am quite frankly p*ssed that in my 30+ years of therapy I have only rarely heard any of what you talk about and/or in the manner in which you talk about it. Concrete, definitive concepts that actually help.

[@rozitagh4479]

Its hard to set boundaries to some one you love... we become extra nice and vulnarable around these people

[@gloriavis]

Yes it happened to me and destroyed my life. Boundaries is to tell people what u will and will not accept.

[@tigerlilybelle1]

23:35 What do you do if you’re someone who has pushed people away in the past, who’s been hurt before, and wants to reconnect with other people again? It felt better to shut people out when I was severely depressed and anxious, but now that I’m mostly better, I’m looking around and realizing how truly lonely I am. I’m 40 years old and I’m not sure I can recover from this.

[@abbykoop5363]

This was excellent and helped me understand a different view of boundaries. I was in my 50's before I even knew what boundaries were! My therapist described it something like this, which really helped me (as I used to just think the door was either open, or closed). She said that there were different "levels". So, maybe you are willing to let this person into your "town". If they don't betray your trust there, maybe you would even let them come into your "yard". If things backfired, you just kick them back out into the neighborhood (or further?). But, if things were still good, maybe you'd even let them into your "house". And then maybe your "bedroom". But we always have the right to kick them into whatever "zone" we feel comfortable with. She said, you never just open all the doors and let someone in. You get to decide which zone they get to enter, and if they get to progress, or maybe even go backwards. That really helped me understand the different levels of boundaries.

[@isaaca6445]

That's a great analogy. Thank you.

[@sutergirlify]

Yes! I've had to slowly learn about wise boundaries and I've read a few helpful books. This is a great insight to understand the different levels! ❤

[@abbykoop5363]

@@sutergirlify Which books did you like?

[@sutergirlify]

@abbykoop5363 'Where to draw the line: how to set healthy boundaries every day' Anne Katherine 'The power of a positive no' William Ury (this was especially helpful for me in learning to say no skillfully, with respect for myself and another person who was invading proper boundaries)

[@abbykoop5363]

@@sutergirlify thanks

[@CUDDELINA]

Most useful video so far in respect of my main issues with others. I have only just found your videos so I am certain there will be lots more that will help me and I look forward to watching them. Thanks so much for sharing your take on boundaries setting. You’re good. Keep up what you are doing. You have found your calling! God bless you!

[@08jklasd]

Wow. I really appreciate this. Thank you. I have the hybrid type. And it is really…very difficult to manage. It’s scary, confusing, and painful. Even with the years of therapy and hard work I’ve been doing. But I’m not giving up.

[@becool68]

It’s good to have healthy boundaries

[@mariagoodey1153]

Thank you Dr Scott. Second watch. Understand it better. So helpful. 😊

[@sarahfaith6531]

I went through a narcissist childhood and 10 years of a narcissist marriage plus a few years of bad dating until I realized !!!! People do not care about what you say to them!! You have to do something to save yourself. Draw a huge line, build a wall, escape, whatever it takes. Words mean nothing to people who don’t care at all.

[@CMoore8539]

Excellent Video!❤ Thank you!!

[@toddmcsweeny]

How do you enforce boundaries though? This is what I struggle with & people constantly walk over me like a door mat, or talk over me, or think they know better. I have asked my therapists HOW do I be assertive without crying? How do I enforce boundaries? How do I not let people run all over me? No one had an answer

[@rhonmc2782]

I have attended many support groups outpatient programs after my hospital admissions. There IS a format how to set a boundary verbally or in writing in such a way you have most chance of being listened to and not offended. There are template scripts. This same statement of boundary incorporates what they can expect you to do if they overstep the boundary. The skills to help you with this are also classic textbook to do's. Remember that we are all human and if someone has been hurting you a long time so that you have decided to set a boundary, then they're going to forget and instinctively overstep without remembering there was a new boundary. They may also be testing the waters to see how serious you were about the boundary. You too, may inadvertently let them overstep because you too have forgotten the boundary rule and by the time you realise what's happening, you've gone past the part of the consequence you imposed eg you may have said you will walk away "immediately". Boundaries once set take practise on both sides to eventually become effective. Maybe check out your local library for a book specific on this or look through psychology books for chapters on it. You could try searching on youtube but maybe they might not give you specifics. Maybe Mr Google will direct you to a free mental health page that will help. If you're really desperate not finding guidelines send me a msg and I'll see if I can dig out useful material I can somehow send you in cyberworld. This might take some time though as I'm deep in shit trying to deal with a lot of physical life problems to solve as well as my debilitating depression and anxiety. If you do send a reply request to me, if I don't respond in a day or 2 it only means I didn't see it or find you again (I'm tech challenged) P.s. any therapist worth their salt should be able to help you formulate a specific boundary ie help you word, write it AND what to do to keep informing it. Maybe choose a SPECIFIC boundary and ask them for this detailed help. If they can't it falls back to you for research. So common for us to have to do ourselves sadly. Good luck

[@toddmcsweeny]

@rhonmc2782 thank you, i have a full team that works with me, psychiatrist, trauma psychologist, spiral worker, recovery support worker, occupational therapist. Literally no one has helped with boundary setting. One gave me a button that says so when you press it. Another keeps saying for years that "we have to deal with the trauma first".... in the meantime I'm like cool, I guess my life will suck until one of you decides to help. This also doesn't help with my sense of being unheard, disempowered & not ever make what I'm asking for a priority. There's was a trauma therapy which was supposed to be the cure all which cost a lot & gave me nothing. It always falls back on the patient if u have a personality like me, other patients needs come first & ur constantly forgotten about because someone else is louder, so that must mean they need help more than I do, which sucks. You're just left to suffer in silence & never really be helped. It's been years at this point and things have only gotten worse.

[@rhonmc2782]

@@toddmcsweeny ❤

[@rlabarbera]

it doesn't seem like you listened to the video at all. It seems like you are addicted to complaining and being the victim, rather than taking your power back. If you sincerely listen to this video and the professional helpers in your life, you can make the necessary changes. The choice is yours.

[@rlabarbera]

@@toddmcsweeny Is the fact that you can afford a entire team of professionals but have not made any change or progress supposed to be some kind of flex lol?

[@juliezzz444]

What an EXCELLENT talk !! Fantastic information.

[@boiketlomandlase1230]

Love the way you explain a healthy boundary 👌

[@polyglotmona]

I knew that cognitively, but it hadn’t reached my emotions unr😮today. Thank you for making me feel that I don’t have to over explain, nor change the other’s opinions about me, nor convince them or make them understand who I am and why I do what I do.

[@klpuhelin2816]

This was a great video. I had it on my watch later playlist and now I watched it. Thanks! Need to watch that again someday. This is a huge and such an important topic. I wish more videos about this and also about trust, when you've ended up in a situation that the only one you can really, truly trust is yourself. I can make the choice to trust and I'm quite sure there are some trustworthy people existing in the world, but still I'm not sure I will ever trust again like I used to and like I would like to.

[@user-wm2fv3sp3x]

Thanks for teaching me about boundaries and titles.

[@jojodaisy4]

SUPERB EXPLANATION!! You made it unbelievably clear THANKYOU

[@wrjsn231]

This is so amazingly helpful!! Thank you!

[@szellllest]

Dear Sir! You are one awesome human being! ❤

[@GladysAmelia]

Also agree. It’s difficult to be sane in a crazy society.

[@Elven.]

I've never heard an explanation as clear as this about the topic!! thank you so much

[@alikhalil2863]

I wish I found your channel before. thanks doctor

[@chris-ci7ch]

best video that I have ever listen too about boundaries

[@hollycondict7920]

Thank you, Scott, for this detailed information. I'm 58, with Asbergers, and have lived the pendulum. It is really hard for me to discern who is trustworthy and with what.

[@kdjourney51]

Nuanced, subtle and actionable. The points are very new and focused.

[@Moon-gc2cv]

Thanks for all you do doc

[@a.k.3110]

Thank you. This video seems to be helpful for me. Most of it matches my experiences. The things that don't I've not experienced until now. Like people I feel fully safe with. Some shared perspectives Gave me a sense of peace and my hands are warm now. Growing up boundary's where not respected or better phrased they haven't been aware they exist at all. At least not for us children. We had to please and appease the adults and respect theyr boundaries. I experienced theyr boundary's as very unsteady/unpredictable, with an spontaneous aggressive and blaming reactivity, as well as talking bad about us to other people. This double morality messed some things up. Thank you for this offering🙂

[@Marti_Lay]

Really goo description and explanation compared to so many others that talk "about" boundaries. Thanks

[@GA-if6qf]

Another excellent teaching. Immensely helpful. Thank you!

[@OnlyOneName]

I need to memorize this!

[@Urem0801]

Thank you! I am the black sheep in an enmeshed family and it is NO FUN! After trying some simple boundaries with them I discovered they would not take them seriously. I made the decision to call it quits for now. Maybe in a year or two we can try again. Thanks for another excellent video with such valuable information! Wishing you and yours Happy Holidays!

[@kittydeleo4043]

Fantastic video, thank you for being so honest and so dedicated to helping others. Excellent descriptions, very clear and useful, thanks

[@msg2364]

thank you so much for this message! I so needed this articulation on boundaries, it really makes sense and helps me to understand where I am right now with mine that I unconsciously created to keep myself safe ..this is a good theme to journal about

[@evadebruijn]

Is it a cptsd thing to feel like flipflopping between over and undersharing?

[@joythompson44]

Really interesting and helpful! Thank you.

[@LaNereNere]

Wow!!! So good. Thanks...❤

[@barbbrown295]

Scott, thank you for your time and willingness to share. I value your videos more than any other out there. Sometimes your topics (I think) don’t apply to me & my life but inevitably I get something. This time it was an explanation for why I never had had a truly intimate relationship with anyone until my late husband - because no one was truly trustworthy of letting my bounderies down before then. Thank you!

[@GodiscomingBhappy]

you give them the hand they take the whole arm😓 Better alone than surrounded by undesirables

[@blindnessisaspectrum6237]

Funny I was just having this thought, what I could do differently when I noticed the title. So glad this was a topic.

[@gaelle4328]

Really, really scary but useful talk. Thank You.

[@debbysimon120]

Yesssss!!!!!! I relate to your BAND story!

[@bjft12]

Love when truth is ok.

[@rsamuels6969]

Excellent thank you

[@olderandwiser9437]

Excellent video, Scott. I struggled with having weak boundaries in romantic relationships with women, and as a result I've had 2 failed marriages to women with narcissistic traits. You have clarified what boundaries are, why, when, and with whom you need to establish them. Thank you!

[@gabrielguyenot3960]

I find a common roadblock (as a young person who cannot afford an apartment because of how expensive things are) is it's hard to enforce boundaries if a person is dependent on an abusive system for basic needs like shelter. Often the shelter and other needs are held hostage as a way to transgress any boundaries that are set. Like the typical stuck living with narcissistic parents scenario. Any way to navigate those circumstances?

[@brendacollins505]

❤ You are incr4 thank you for sharing your wisdom ❤️

[@rhonmc2782]

Important Boundary not raised in this talk. I am a huge fan of your work Dr Scott and a very big contributor to my mental health distress is having no boundaries says therapist. It was interesting your list of Boundary styles didn't mention this one that impacts many in society. ie not being able to say no when people need help. More than that, if we see someone in physical or psychological need we actively jump in trying to help (some might say fix). We actively look for where we can help. Think volunteers etc. The trouble becomes when we feel guilty not attempting to help when we see it but haven't been essentially asked for help. Not having these kinds of borders may have outcomes you can be proud of because you made a difference. Sometimes though people taking advantage can destroy you.

[@kathrynsmith4176]

I’m a 67 yr old widow with two grown sons with families. My youngest has shunned me twice now, due to my suicidal ideation and other mental health struggles. My husband committed suicide in 2011. My favorite brother and protector committed suicide this past July. Suffice it to say that I have huge abandonment issues! So, I have adopted the policy that unless someone is adding to my life, they don’t belong in it.

[@matthewpleasant9407]

I'm new to your content. Keep up the good work. I was getting burned out on the introspective stuff.

[@gabriellemorellisinger1608]

So important

[@isaaca6445]

@6:55 is where narcissistic boundary breakers will point out to you that you are too 'boundaried', (even though you in fact have healthy boundaries), to dissolve your boundaries with them so they can come in and piss you off again. Just saying!

[@jnak974]

This is very analytical. I have had great men in my life that basically taught me this lesson even though they themselves weren’t aware of it. Lesson 1- know when someone’s full of shit. They just gon’ talk, let them, just do your own thing. Lesson 2- I pay my own bills so I don’t need to do what you want me to do. Lesson 3- Calm down, you’re gonna let shit take years off your life. Get a pole, crack open a beer and sit down.

[@CatholicSaintslayIncorrupt]

Great subject. Thankyou. Getting to 50 is great! Getting to be 57 you dont have any problems with erecting bounteous bounderies!! It just flows naturally!! That's something to look forward too!! Meantime pretend you have the courage and fake it till you make it growing the strength within!

[@LoreMIpsum-vs6dx]

"The easy thing in the world is to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

[@pratcus]

Thanks

[@DrScottEilers]

Thank you!!

[@FrenchTwist]

i was an exhausted chameleon performing on que

[@gabriellemorellisinger1608]

Perfect Intro

[@evadebruijn]

Having weak boundaries is a health hazard. See the work of Gabor Mate on the link between people pleasing and autoimmune diseases. Dr K from The healthy gamer had a IMO good point that you need to have leverage in order to be able to enforce boundaries. Curious what your stance on this is.

[@jill-of-all-trades]

Excellent point about having leverage. Always keep something up your sleeve or at the ready. And be prepared to cut people off when necessary if they don't get it. Some will NEVER get it regardless of how many chances you give them to get the message, so now they are OUT! My entire life my mother was so disrespectful of my personhood. Finally at 56 I stopped communicating with her altogether even after moving to the other side of the globe decades earlier and interacting only occasionally. She attempted to manipulate me by contacting my adult daughter whom I instructed to respond to my mother's email saying she had passed along the information to me. What a relief to have her OUT of my life. She will be a narcissist until the day she dies; she is INcapable of thinking of anyone else except herself. I am sad she has been so toxic and done so much damage to so many people (I have 3 brothers who cannot fend for themselves and who LIVE with her!! and they are in their 50s and 60s!!), but I have no control over what she does, only what I do.

[@2FollowHim777]

Mine is 'spiritual', or psychic, or vibrational: being empathic, I pick up too much, feel too much that IS outside my boundaries. Somehow they ...get in. So, I think I have to guard those boundaries, too. 4:49

[@user-go7sh4de2w]

Thank you. I have just spent a week in hell due to family and now I know how to not have to do it again. 💜💜

[@serious_philosopheegeez2294]

I had 4 biscuits, and I ate one; now I only have 3!

[@sarojasherpa8514]

❤