Q&A! Stealing Baby Names, Vocal Fry, & Refusal To Put Down The Toilet Seat - Ep 170 - Dear Shandy

[@jareya]

Totally with Sharleen on the name. Her feelings should not be dismissed on this. Her partner should stick up for her.

[@KirstyNZ]

The dog name /baby name situation.... Grrr!!! I would be absolutely livid! H should buy a pet rat and name it after her brother-in-law!!

[@joakuz]

🤣 I love this solution! ❤

[@evildoesnotsleep-x2b]

As spiteful as creative 👌

[@DaliaHarami]

Ha! The “dumbass”’s name could become their euphemism for shitty moves :) It’s one thing for the 18-yr old to be an ass thinking he was funny, but I’m equally annoyed his parents, the in-laws, didn’t address it with their son. I agree that the fact that the husband isn’t willing to address it either is going to result in long time resentment and is a sign of what may be to come in other circumstances.

[@DaliaHarami]

I have to disagree with Andy’s suggestion of at next meeting treating it as simply “that was a dick move…I can’t believe you…” bcz all that will result in is a “ha ha” response as if it’s alright (ie not giving it the weight it deserves)

[@Snippets-of-Mendi]

Yes! This made me laugh out loud. So funny!

[@saltycarebear]

"When people are non-confrontational, it gets them out of confrontation." Hearing you call that out was so cathartic and it makes me want to explore why many people (including me 😅) are so uncomfortable with confrontation

[@bethanywilson5634]

Wow I can't believe we got to basically witness a Shandy fight on the baby names conversation LOL - that was thoroughly entertaining and I love that neither of you backed down from your positions the whole time. I'm totally on Sharleen's side though 🤪

[@SavvyGirl751]

Golden advice: never ever discuss baby names with anyone but your partner. Because people suck. You open yourself up to critiques, baby name stealers, people announcing it. Husband should have a discussion with his brother, because he did it on purpose. Husband at minimum needs to tell his brother that he crossed a line. This is how he is going to handle everything. It’s a huge red flag for the husband’s behavior that he didn’t stay something and stand up for you in anyway. It was rude he needs to stay “you’re a d’ck” 💯 a battle worth picking

[@JustAvgBear]

Yesss. Agreed on all the above. Username checks out. 😄

[@emrosey_nielsen]

This is exactly what I wanted to say! Me and my boyfriend don’t mention names to anyone, and even before I dated him, I never said my names to anyone for fear of them stealing them haha

[@Lczzy]

It's a huge red flag that NO one said anything the first time they all got together after the brother-in-law named the new dog. What?! That's crazy that nobody mentioned anything.

[@martynadearing9808]

100% agree. I'd be furious. I don't even think I want kids but if someone used my baby names and my husband wouldn't step up for me I would be so mad. The husband should AT LEAST let him know it was a jerk move.

[@marisamartinez1477]

Exactly! That was my worry as well. His approach to handling it seems like a sign of how his family "resolves" conflict/responds to it

[@MajickRs]

This was my favorite episode of Dear Shandy ever. As polarizing as the baby name question was, no matter which side of the coin you fall on, you've got to admit Andy was hilarious 😂 Roller coaster advertiser Andy is elite

[@dearshandy]

His roller coaster analogy had me choking! 😂

[@katherinegeithman6089]

The baby name convo was hilarious! I do think the larger issue is that she cares a lot about it, and husband is blowing it off / choosing to be non-confrontational. Hopefully he will take the advice of at least MENTIONING it. Otherwise it could speak to future difficulties confronting family conflict!

[@janaturner1791]

Rename the puppy!!!!!! I hardly ever disagree with Andy, but I'm fuming right now.

[@joakuz]

SAME!!! And it should be H’s husband who goes to his own brother and tell him to rename the dog! (I adopted almost 1yo dog from a shelter and she already had a name but I didnt like it. So I renamed my dog. Second name is NOT EVEN REMOTELY similar to the first one and she never had any problem reacting only to the new name!)

[@AP-vo2mp]

I agree with Andy. Not sure if the name is unique but there are probably other dogs with that name and other people with the name. Just come up with a better name than the previous one.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

No one owns a name for baby when they're not even pregnant or trying for pregnancy lol

[@emilybishop9509]

I understand both sides of Shandy's analysis of H's situation. - Andy is right in that it shouldn't break up a family - that it should be addressed swiftly and directly so that it doesn't fester and get bigger than it needs to be. - Sharleen is right that H has a right to be livid, and to own those feelings. I think the fundamental issue, and why Shandy couldn't ultimately agree about the perspectives and advice, is that we need to further explore WHY it's a big deal, and why it isn't. Thinking about having a baby is a deeply, deeply personal experience, and to let yourself get to the point of choosing a name means that you are associating a future identity of not only a child, but in H's case (and Sharleen's, based on her empathy of H), as a future mother. It's such a vulnerable place to be, because you're admitting to yourself, and others, that you really want this, so much so that you are sharing a piece of your future self with others. And it leaves you feeling exposed. Then some shitty 18 year old sweeps in and takes a dump on your future identity as a mother. Yes, that's absurd. He didn't intend this, and nobody in the family might see it that way. But H is certainly right to feel that way (if she does). It's just one of those issues where people can't see each other's perspective: why naming a future child can be so vulnerable, and conversely, why claim 'stampsies' on a person that doesn't exist, which, objectively, is kind of ridiculous. But remember, it is very, very real to H. This potential child. And to her husband as well. They are admitting that their dream of family is bigger than the two of them. It's not about the name, ultimately. It's what the name represents. So the act of stealing the name, so blatantly in this case, is cruel. H both feels and has been dismissed. It is symptomatic of a bigger issue, which is that she married into a non-confrontational family, She might feel like she has no recourse in any situation if the normal reaction is to constantly bury everything. That is exhausting and might lead to her feeling stuck in the marriage - that is a longer term risk when your in-laws and partner are permissive and passive. I don't agree that it's funny, or could be. Normally I'd jump to the funny, but choosing to assume it will be a funny story later on further dismisses H's experience and feelings. Maybe it will be funny, maybe it won't, but things don't become funny until there is healing. H isn't healed - she's hurt. You're both right that the 18 year old d*ckweed provoked HARD, and the husband MUST address it directly, quickly, and not to make the confrontation a big deal (again - the confrontation and handling of this matter isn't a big deal, but the issue itself IS a big deal to H - there is a difference). The 18 year old needs to know that he did something wrong, to be called out, and in front of the parents, whose permissive style and lack of confrontation about this situation is questionable. The wider issue I think is that H likely feels lonely within this family dynamic. Her husband needs to create a strong boundary to get over the lack of confrontation and state: "My wife and I are a team. It doesn't negate me as a son and brother and all of us as one family. But I am showing you that my wife and I are one unit - one family. Adjacent to this family - not as a subset". A simple act of telling his brother, publicly: "You're a super big d*ck for stealing that name for a dog. I know you think it's funny, but you also caused hurt, and that needs to be said:" - that act would solidify them as a unit within the family, because the husband would be breaking the pattern of non-confrontation. Ultimately it's up to: 1) H to explain to her husband to see why it hurt her so deeply, and ask her husband to say something. She needs make the direct request - not let him interpret, because he will default to what was modeled for him, which is non-confrontation. 2) H's husband to really listen and acknowledge her feelings, which sounds like it happened, but that assumes H has truly revealed why she's so hurt. 3) H's husband to confront the brother in front of the family. He needs to be direct and quick about it , like Andy suggests. This will set a new tone that conflict is okay, and can be healthy, because it doesn't have to dismantle everything. Then hit the gavel and move on. Side note: this is my first ever comment/novel in KZbin. I have been watching Dear Shandy since the early days, and I find this community to be so lovely, especially during the loneliness of the pandemic. I'm commenting because this issue likely hit an unexpected nerve for Shandy, and this is a valentine to them as a thank you for the healing that you have provided me through some of the Q&As and guests. H: you can do this. Remove a couple more layers of vulnerability and share this with your husband. And ask him for what you need.

[@leannejscott]

Perfectly said. Little and big picture…this needs to be rectified cleanly, and with respect so if something “bigger” comes up, the wife knows she is heard by her husband and that they are a team. (I put bigger in quotes because I actually do feel like this is a pretty big deal. The brother-in-law knew how important it was, went out of his way to screw it up and with the husband not saying anything about it… He’s learned he has zero consequences for his awful actions. And because this actually is a big deal to a perspective Mama) All in all it was very interesting to listen to the dialogue as I agree with both Charlene and Andy on many of their various points, but I feel like Charlene‘s point of making sure she just doesn’t swallow her feelings - is really the biggest issue here. It’s not great when you’re truly, deeply hurt about some thing and you voice it to your partner and it’s dismissed. Whether you understand it or not, being in a relationship means having to really hear your partner and try to team with them. You can obviously question and probe… But dismissing is never a good thing. For the obvious reasons. And one of them should never be that you don’t want to “Cause a ruckus I n your family“. I agree with Andie, that this should be brought up directly, to the point, and Move On. But I also agree that H should not have to worry about her feelings “destroying a family.“ Just because she has a different idea about something. Thank you for the discussion! PS Sharlene that too is 100% on point and you look stunning as usual. 😄♥️

[@brendalevine3399]

So refreshing to hear a couple have differences and clearly voice their individual opinions without demeaning one another. Agreeing to disagree is on point.

[@alexiwarren]

The baby name thing sets a precedent and tells a larger story regarding the relationship between the husband and his family. Whether it’s a baby name or not, just shoving it under the rug when this is a big deal to her is not productive for their relationship. I would be so pissed. Sorry Andy, disagreeing big time here.

[@joakuz]

Well put!

[@AngeLEyes8100]

I think she should still use the name if the baby is a boy or girl depending on if she wanted it for a boy or girl. If that is her favorite name, use it.

[@GuntherVonSprout]

Baby names: I found myself agreeing fully with Andy, which surprised me 😂 However, I can offer H a possibly unique perspective. When my mum was pregnant with me she had a favourite name. My Maternal Grand’mére’s dog was also expecting and Grand’mére also liked the name. The puppy she kept was named Lucy. Six months later I came along and also was named Lucy. My mum’s explanation has always been ‘we both liked the name , we didn’t know you’d be a girl and you long out lived the dog. ‘ I have never had an issue with it and it was apparently a bit of a family joke. It’s years since I even thought of it.

[@deniserichard5613]

I agree with you Sharleen, the issue with the baby name is a big deal. And I agree with you that the husband should have defended the wife about that and it was up to the husband to deal with it. The husband is dismissing the issue but it's important to the wife. That is big in my book.

[@MathPiHanan]

The sweetest revenge for the H story is if they actually do name their child “the name.” Think about it, while no one talked about this at all, H will get to retell the story over and over and over again whenever people inquire about why the child’s name is the same as the dog’s name. What a great opportunity to get back at your in-laws by making sure you leave such room for inquiry where you control the narrative 😁 On the other end, the naming story is similar to the travel story (in a way). I had a name for a baby girl, but when I had my daughter, the name didn’t feel right. I ended up changing it and choosing a name that wasn’t even on my list 😅

[@Lulu-kt6gr]

That’s brilliant but wouldn’t solve for future family harmony. I think she needs to confront him and ask her BF to back her up! Who are these passive people? What are they so afraid of?

[@ayeeshahm9078]

That was literally Andy's suggestion. Interesting to hear that you changed your mind even though you liked the name, who knows if that could happen to them as well.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

Yeah it's like when someone teases you, if you go "hey guys knock it off!" Then they'll do it more but if you laugh they just stop.

[@thenopedetective]

I feel like the brother would actually get a kick out of that and enjoy it being retold.

[@MathPiHanan]

@@thenopedetective I think he won’t appreciate being demonstrated as an a-hole if the story is told as “can you believe he did this?! We had a name for our baby, then he went and named his puppy the name first lol”

[@marthahales2430]

I was bugged that Andy didn’t seem to appreciate how big a deal the name thing is for most women. It is HUGE, and I felt that her minimized it in a way that he wouldn’t do if he really understood. That said, I agree that the husband needs to tell the brother that it was a dick move. But I’d take it a step further say how hurtful and disrespectful this was. I think it’s important that he know the impact it had. I do think that, if they love the name and can get past it, they should go ahead and use the name for their future child.

[@isabelkitchen7676]

I could not disagree with Andy more about the baby name. I would be LIVID. I think that picking out a name for your baby is one of the perks of going through the hardships of pregnancy and the brother naming his puppy turns it into a joke. Blah. I hate this haha.

[@AP-vo2mp]

She isn't pregnant, I think that's the biggest thing.

[@SavvyGirl751]

@@AP-vo2mp that doesn’t matter. It’s not like she is 5 (& it would still be mean). She is planning her pregnancy. Many women take months to years to get healthy and are trying for a baby.

[@samkreps1194]

@@AP-vo2mp She's been with her husband for a decade and they do want kids. I don't think you need to already be pregnant for your baby name to "count".

[@isabelkitchen7676]

@@AP-vo2mp it’s the principle. If I was the husband I would ask my lil bro what his motives were or if he’s really just that aloof.

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Yeah, I really disagree with him too. I think it's a bad pattern to get into to allow herself to be walked all over like this. If he does something this dick-y once and gets away with it, he'll do it again.

[@Lczzy]

Shandy, would love it if you did a follow-up show with some of your previous callers to see what advice/direction they took and the outcome!

[@ashley1018]

Sharleen so so right on the baby name!

[@samkreps1194]

Watching Shandy disagree is one of life's greatest joys. 😂

[@WoodFamily4]

Toilet seat guy: Past trauma doesn't give anyone a free pass to treat people with disregard. He might need to do some self work. But, she definitely should communicate with him and not make excuses for his behavior, let the behavior speak for its self.

[@theblueajah]

Also, don't punish your current partner for a crime of a past partner.

[@rosarioochoa3734]

At the very end I was thinking “I like it when you disagree” then Andy perfectly timed said “Sickos”. I love you two! 😅

[@bansquared7352]

Hi Sharleen and Andy, your disagreement about the baby name situation cracked me up! I literally laughed out loud!

[@erikao3982]

Pickle is such a cute name for a puppy 😅

[@WoodFamily4]

Andy, I AGREE with you on the baby name question. When I was pregnant with my youngest, I shared our baby names with a group of women I played Bunco with monthly. We ended up having a boy and not using the girl name. When a friend/neighbor became pregnant and found out she was having a girl she decided she loved our girl name and used it. I was LITERALLY the only friend she didn't tell the girl name to, apparently it was a group secret and everyone knew she was using my girl name, and no one told me. When she had her baby and told me her name I was hurt that she kept the name a secret from me only. I LOVE the name, and was flattered she used it. I didn't understand why she felt the need to keep it a secret. Here's my blanket advice to everyone: 1) name your kid the name you love, despite how many people in your life have that same name. That other "same named" person/pet will likely not remain a constant part of your life. Use the name, it's ok. 2) If your baby name is so special and you don't want it borrowed, never share until the baby is legally named the name.

[@anuska007]

❤

[@janelle7263]

I call dibs on Pickle! 😂

[@laurieemme1534]

I thought that was such a cute name for Sharleen to use as an example! It reminded me of a cat named Pickles in a Tom Hanks movie called The Lady Killers.

[@shereeny7775]

I'm with Andy regarding the baby name, I don't really understand why it's a big deal but I agree with Sharleen that her husband should back up H and confront his brother since it upset her so much.

[@elizajo7400]

I’m with Andy also. I don’t think it’s a big deal at all and think it’s a funny story. I also think the child would find it cute/funny that it’s Aunt/Uncle have a dog with the same name. But yes, the husband should back H.

[@rexdean2385]

When I was a child, my grandfather named one of his puppies after me. I didn’t consider it a compliment The name stealer acknowledged he knew they wouldn’t be happy. He knows what he did was wrong, and he should be called out for it.

[@ericvague19]

Male Shandy. I agree with Sharleen about the name thing. That's just a no. Like plain and simple. You can't do that. And he should own up and change the dogs name. He didn't even ask permission. The families not gonna break up over the confrontation because she's in the right. Also it's just not funny. Even with time it's not that funny. Sorry this is my first comment. I love this show.

[@marilyndauer2304]

Baby name problem: the woman and her husband need to confront the brother immediately about stealing their baby’s name. The woman cannot be silenced now or else she will be silenced forever in that family. If something bothers her she needs to discuss it with the family member that caused the problem. Anger and resentment that is kept inside is never a good thing. First ask the brother kindly if he would change the name of the puppy and tell him why the name is so important to her. If he refuses to change the name then you can proceed to call him names. But first try the peaceful approach.

[@terrinegron]

O.M.G...The "Stealing Baby Names" section analogy via co-host Andy was hilarious and on point! So freakin' funny. thank you!

[@JustAvgBear]

I'm getting upset with Andy for his stance on the baby name drama.😆

[@krokat218]

Just for data purposes, my friend and I watched this episode (both 32F) and could not disagree more with Sharleen on the specific writer's name stealing question - sorry Sharleen, we really feel more towards Andy's side on this one! A puppy having the same name does not cheapen the name of the human child having it too - it is NOT worth the confrontation at all, and the child can still have the same name. Just wanted to add this to stress that interestingly I DONT think this is a "man vs. woman" thing - my friend and I both thought youd both feel how Andy feels! (edit to emphasize that we arent in the middle on this - we truly feel strongly that the writer and Sharleen are seeing it just very very differently from us/Andy. but of course respect the different opinion nonetheless! Also to add - we normally agree with Sharleen on almost everything. So take this data for what you will 🙂)

[@jaslynferguson]

I just died of laughter! I have had that same thought of... it's not getting stabbed that scares me the most ...it's where has the knife been lol🤣

[@jananussi]

Oh my god I basically heard my partner speaking to me when Andy said “You’re right about the feelings but you’re wrong about the reaction”. This is our most common “disagreement”. I get lost in the feeling and let that drive my reactions and then he comes in with the logical side of things. It’s infuriating at times, for sure, but in the grand scheme of things his perspective often makes life easier. Like Andy said what does it really matter that the dog has the same name, why is it a problem? That being said, I would’ve reacted like H and Sharleen 😅

[@mhouse2257]

With regard to "H": I agree with Andy that she may be more angry that her husband is not that angry, or at least being angry for her sake. I agree with Sharlene, that some women spend a LOT of time and energy (years) coming to this conclusion. And having that energy just be taken, is anger making for those people. (BTW - just google, this baby name thing is a BIG deal right now.) I also think there is more than just the baby name that she is upset about. He should at least have said something to the brother or the family at least ONCE. She may feel this may become a pattern, or maybe it already IS a pattern, of the husband not putting the 'relationship queen bee' first.

[@LittleBee53]

I think burying the dog name issue has way more potential to actually destroy family relationships. H. visits the in-laws every week, she'll hear them calling the dog said name all the time, and if they don't address it, it will just lead to built up resentment. Confronting the brother about it now sounds like a safer bet in the long term to me.

[@janetatum8966]

Been looking forward to your soothing, witty, refreshing commentary on life stuffs. Yay!

[@Lulu-kt6gr]

Okay why can’t the boyfriend/husband simply back up his wife and even without a confrontation just go to his brother and say “look my wife is upset about the puppy name, so could you please just rename your puppy for the sake of future family harmony? Even if it’s not a big deal to you, it is a big deal to my wife so please do that.” I would be even more upset that my husband is not backing me up and taking my feelings seriously.

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

Yes, exactly! Why is this 18-year-old all of a sudden running the show? Everything he says, goes? No one can stand up to him? WTH.

[@joychalker8199]

YES!!! Why do some people find it so hard just to communicate?

[@iwonamagdalena3182]

I was dying at the roller coaster ride comparison and at the dirty knife. But couldn’t disagree more with Andy when it comes to the baby name theft, I would be livid.

[@Abigail-ny1no]

Move. Move! I left home at 18 and have never regretted it. My home didn’t fit me, though. A decade later, I moved overseas and have loved it, too. It did take me a few years to work up the guts to move abroad, though! We only get one life. You deserve this, Question 2-er! On the other hand, my perception is that most people stay in or near their hometowns. It’s just human nature, so I get it.

[@Naisy77]

I love this perspective I really hope she moves and if he loves her he will follow ❤

[@SummerBaby728]

That top on Sharlene is SLAYING!!!! If you ever read this, I will forever be indebted to you if you tell me where you got it!! It’s so gorgeous and unique!!

[@Victoryfordddd]

The dog one. Not at all funny. It’s juvenile at best. I’d name a cockroach after the brother in law. Teachable moment and worth the confrontation

[@joakuz]

💯💯💯

[@audreyg1357]

A cockroach! 🤣🤣

[@yasminolguin7716]

I agree with Sharlene on the baby name question. I am SO angry for H! Her husband should’ve at least called the brother out for being an asshole. Baby names are a big deal to women.

[@claudia.e]

Team Sharleen on the baby name thing. Hubs and I had a girl name picked for over 5 years before I got pregnant, at one point I was risking a miscarriage and, maybe in a way to focuse on the less painful subject, I could only think about how I would not be able to raise a baby with this name I liked so much, because that was already this baby's name and I could not name the second one the same. It does matter in a way that does not have many logic when looking at it on paper.

[@katelastdreambook2459]

I'm totally on Andy's side with the baby name thing. The dog having the baby name makes the non-existent baby way more interesting if they do end up existing and do get that name. It would be more upsetting if the brother in law was like in his 30s, but if he's 18, I'd have a little more grace just given the general emotional intelligence of that age. Though a level headed conversation telling him why that upset you over coffee or something would be totally fine. I'd love to end the trend that names are unique and can be claimed by people for their descendants and no one else in their circle should touch that name. Names are in fact one of the least unique things about a person, spicy take.

[@anuska007]

louder for the people in the back ❤

[@DaliaHarami]

I love analogies but Andy has the market cornered on analogies. The roller coaster analogy takes the cake. @Sharleen if you ever had a rib or back injury (knock on wood) you would have to be quarantined from your hubby.

[@laurieemme1534]

Thank you for another interesting & entertaining Q & A episode! Loved Andy's "Falling in the Toilet" song! Also, the roller coaster analogy cracked me up! 😂

[@lesleywiley4324]

Omg. I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. 2 of my sisters C, B, and my brother’s wife S, were pregnant at the same time. This was B’s 3rd and C & S 1st. C made it known from minute 1 that she would name her son, Joshua. B gave birth 1st and named her son, Joshua. Not a dog, but this was so hurtful and awkward and selfish and all the feels especially since C was our baby sister and we almost lost her at age 1 and B is 10 years older and was her mini mom and shared a room in our childhood and C idolized her. It’s just messed up bc C still to this day throughout the kids lives who went to the same school and are best friends and any time any tiny hiccup arises, regardless how minimal, C’s 1st thought brings her right back to that moment. She’s over it and forgiven B, but it’s still a tiny voice in her head. So just crazy I felt compelled to share.

[@janelle7263]

Why would anyone do that? It just seems so intentionally cruel. No offense, I know it’s your sister, but it would feel that way if anyone did it.

[@ScarlettLobo]

This is so sad!!! C IF YOU EVER READ THIS! JOSHUA WASN’T A COOL NAME ANYWAY! NO POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL IS NAMED JOSHUA OR JOSH! And I hope you found a cooler name!

[@lesleywiley4324]

@@janelle7263 oh mama. No offense at all taken. I hope my comment shows my true feelings on the issue without disrespecting my sister B or my mom bc she worries. It was totally selfish and hurtful not to mention this was her 3rd and C’s first. Just gross imo

[@lesleywiley4324]

@@ScarlettLobo ​Omg you are too funny. I think we’d be friends for sure. I just can’t for obvious reasons diss the name bc he is my nephew lol. But I will tell you the rest if you don’t care bc it’s pretty hilarious in a sense. C ended up naming her son Brian after her husband. I then marry a Bryan, and after we got pregnant, I never imagined I wouldn’t have the final say on the name of my son who literally came out of my vagina. Lmao. I wanted to make sure if he wanted his son to be his namesake. I would only consider naming our 1st born son after him, and needed him to understand that if he doesn’t want that, which is totally fine, but our 2nd would not be. I had a million conversations with my husband and he did not want that initially, but then did. So I did what I thought was respectful and loyal and kind. I had a visit with C for a heart to heart. I told her my husband’s wishes and wanted to make sure, she was good with it and that I would never do that without her permission. She was totally amazing and kind. She completely understood, I mean what are the odds we’d both marry a Brian/Bryan and she thought it was actually hilarious. So now we have 4 Brian/Bryan’s. There’s not 1 bit of confusion bc my BIL’s nickname since we were in grade school is Boomer, everyone refers to him as Boomer. My nephew Brian is Brian. My husband’s nickname given by my late Dad is Buck, which is hilarious in its own right, and my son’s nickname also given by my Dad is Pete. I could share the hilarious story on why my Dad picked Buck, but I’ve already taken up way too much space and too much of your time even if you’re still here till the end. Have a great day!

[@ScarlettLobo]

@@lesleywiley4324 hahaha that is a great story!! Brian/Bryan is a better name!! Please continue the story about Buck! You did what everybody should do! Get the permission/blessing from the person who picked or used the name first! My husband’s grandpa is an awesome role model in the family, and my Dad is the same in mine side of the family. They both have the same name, so we have thought about using their name if we ever have a boy!

[@cyndyc655]

Sorry, I disagree with Andy this time...normally I dont.I would react the way H did.. This is a big deal. I would talk to my husband and his brother..Change the dogs name to Rover lol

[@deniserichard5613]

Agree! I would question if my husband really loved me!!!

[@cferguson2453]

The brother is being an asshole and challenging his older brother to see if he's going to stand up for his wife or not! It's really about THEM not her! If her husband doesn't speak up in her defense, there will be more challenges from this pip-squeak down the road!

[@jazmineg.3325]

If it bothers her that much, the dog needs to be renamed. I'm sure the dog won't mind lol Husband needs to have the convo with his brother and then whatever the outcome, she has to let it go.

[@margagomezcomedy]

Andy got me back with the Olde Timey Ride

[@ep1386]

Maybe an unpopular opinion here, but I don't fully understand why a baby having the same name as a dog is bad? If, as Sharleen said, the baby's name is something special and meaningful to the mom, shouldn't it be special and meaningful no matter what? Why would a dog having the same name diminish the value of that name? That being said, I do agree that it's important for the husband to acknowledge his wife's feelings and call out the brother in law for doing something he knew was upsetting.

[@coffee_is_life_5051]

I agree with Andy 1000% about the baby name question. I think the brother in law was being very immature, but I would still name my future baby the name I planned, I wouldn’t really care that it’s the same as the puppy’s name 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@Snippets-of-Mendi]

Growing up my daughter repeatedly proclaimed she wanted to move as far away from home as possible (which often felt like a hurtful jab to the heart), but I wished her well while secretly hoping she would change her mind. Knowing her wanderlust and obsession with sunnier destinations it really felt like a long shot, but I was surprised to recently find out after she moved across the country and traveled intensively for a year that she has come to the conclusion that her heart is in the Pacific NW and she wants to move back to Seattle. I think the suggestion of traveling and/or renting an Airbnb for few months, even if it's on your own, is a great way to get out and see if it's something you want as much as you think you do. As someone who travels a fair amount (and always thought I wanted to live in NYC) I have come to the conclusion that visiting one week a year in the Fall when the weather is gorgeous makes for a good annual tradition and saves me so much money in the long run. I'm able to keep my romantic notions about the city without any of the downsides that come along with moving there.

[@dogrunnedogrunne7080]

Agree with you about vocal fry! I mentioned it once in reaction to one of your Q&A callers and was called out by another commenter who accused me of being “voice-ist” (my word). yikes!

[@sprucelane1271]

Agree with Andy.

[@katherineyokers8052]

I agree with you, Sharleen! 100%

[@nystylepizza]

I would say 99% of the time that someone “steals your baby name” when you’re not even expecting, that’s something you just have to get past. But this is the 1% where I feel differently, because she literally just told them that’s their top choice and the brother had no reason to use it for his pet except to be a jerk. I would be pissed. And I think the husband should absolutely say something to his brother. I also think the dog’s name can be modified to something similar-sounding without traumatizing the dog!!

[@janelle7263]

both my parents tell a story of my childhood home. They almost moved to a similar house with a totally different feel. And my mom told my dad if they bought that house, she wouldn't be able to live with the decision. Seems dramatic, but my mom is a very self-assured person. My dad is frugal and safe, and my childhood home was more expensive. But he conceded, because of what she said. My dad has no regrets and it was the right decision! both my parents became happy. The other house is still there, it would have been very different, and instead we got the best neighbors who are like grandparents to us in that very house. many times, you have to take the plunge. My dad did it because he loved my mom and her happiness. if not for that, they both would have been unhappy.

[@emilykoch1051]

100% team Sharleen on the baby names question! As someone who got a puppy a few months ago I took a ton of time thinking of her name, I had one I really liked and was leaning towards and realized I had a friend with a dog with that name and was like obviously I can't do that and chose a different name. AND THAT WAS JUST FOR A DOG NAME

[@tasyarodz]

I’m convinced her husband secretly hated the name and told his brother to do it😂 My ex’s mom named her dog after me…. I was pretty annoyed!

[@jazmineg.3325]

Disagree about the partner needing to uproot his life for her to simply experience living somewhere else. Those are the things that you do when you're single. You "move" how you want to move and do what you want to do. It was discussed that he should have a specific reason for not wanting to but I think she should have a specific reason for wanting to. It's not for a job...or a specific city that she has always wanted to live. She's embarrassed for not having lived anywhere else? Not a good reason imo. Perhaps his dream is to always be in close proximity to his loved ones. However, I do agree that it might be a good idea for her to go alone if it's that important for her...though it could still cause resentment on either side.

[@jessypie5574]

Here's what I think about the baby name debacle: If you really love a name and it's close to your heart, do NOT divulge it! Once it's out there, you can't take it back. The only way you can (mostly) ensure that no one steals your favourite name is to keep it to yourself until the baby is born. I feel for [insert name that I've forgotten here]. This is a really disheartening situation for her. Edit: Then again, we disclosed our son's name before he was born, so who am I to talk. 😅

[@jennaK123]

We had a cat named Tasha then found out she was a boy, and guess what?! He was still Tasha 😂

[@dearshandy]

Hahaha reverse the genders and that was us with our kitty Danny! 😂

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

Tell Andy he should recommend the name "Seven"

[@MathPiHanan]

I actually was hoping that Andy would mention that reference 😅😂

[@lishamon]

my cat Bender enjoys the bubble popping sound in the intro EVERYTIME

[@laurieemme1534]

How cute! And what a great name!

[@lishamon]

@@laurieemme1534 thank you! We watch together Hahah

[@janaturner1791]

I named my daughter Maisy and then found out that was my brother's cats name 🤣🤣

[@marthahales2430]

Also my cat’s name. Best name ever for a human or a cat. ❤️

[@heatherfits]

I have a 7mo old Ragdoll named Maisy!!! 💖

[@Naisy77]

Naisy is my nickname love that ❤

[@janaturner1791]

Lol glad I didn't know at the time it's a popular cat name 😂

[@kimberlyf4888]

Regarding the baby name - I have a different take. At one point Sharleen said that the situation "was forcing" the writer to be the "bigger person". What if we reframe this as "an opportunity to be the bigger person'? There is nothing to be gained here by acting pissed off about this. She can feel angry - that's a normal, human response - but accept it and let it go. And, of course, name your baby "the name" and carry on with your head held high, like it does not bother you at all that some puppy has the same name. Andy said, this can be a funny story - you don't have to alienate your family by being pissed off and resentful.

[@catherineanne5379]

My husband grew up in a house that always left the toilet seat up because they let the dogs drink out of the toilet. Never been able to break him of this issue but he is wonderful in everything else so I just always check before I sit.

[@tyrieleyson]

Toilet seat should be down already when flushing. Think of it as toilet sneezing.

[@joypak924]

My dog’s name is Beethoven, and I have to agree with Andy on this one 😂 (named after the classical composer, not the Hollywood movie).

[@rebeccapatterson8049]

I know someone with a toddler name Gertrude!!! 😂 they call her Gertie.

[@AP-vo2mp]

I have a friend named Dorothy which I think is along the lines of Gertrude. She absolutely hates her name. Haha. 😂

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

Yuck Gertie sounds like you're coughing up soup all over yourself

[@cassandrachestnut4839]

question 2 - another option would be that they both decide to move away to an agreed upon location for one year together to satisfy her urge to try something new. the intention would be that it’s a temporary and they will move back in the end. then let nature take its course… before she hurt jaunts off she HAS to weigh whether it’s so important to her that she’s willing to lose the relationship / is the relationship MORE important?

[@katrinaconnor923]

The pet name drama I thought was coming last week has finally arrived!!

[@heatherazar3973]

When my husband and I were getting our puppy it took us a ridiculous amount of time to pick out a name we both liked and came to an agreement on. I cannot fathom if we decided on a name for a human, our future baby that we loved and this happened!!! I would be beyond angry.

[@bronwyn117]

The name stealing is a BIG DEAL! I’m with Sharleen!

[@QurVgn]

I’m a dog trainer, and it’s usually easy to change names! Assuming a baby won’t arrive for at least another year or 2 the dog won’t remember. It’ll be through adolescence - and their brain/mind is So malleable. My dog - named Monkey - wondered why the 18 year old’s parents didn’t say something; it sounds like he lives at home still. Rather than calling the 18 year old a dick, there’s a good chance that if the parents or couple have a conversation about the importance of That name, he might be willing to change it. Especially if everyone else says, ‘hey dude, it’s not something to joke about. Change the name at least until you move out’. Maybe he doesn’t know How much of a dick move it was - and as Andy said, thought it was funny. At least give him the Chance of realising it and growing from the experience! But like I said, you don’t have to go At him; that’s the Least likely way to get any positive change. 🤷‍♀️ Dog training, human training - use positive reinforcement and give lots of treats! 😉 Now the last guy who is 35? Is a DICKHEAD!!! He is 18!! Thank God he’s not 36 - so not yet a man!! 😱

[@arianeprice3176]

i hope H can read these comments. Getting over it isn’t what she should do. She expressed that this was a name for a CHILD she dreamed of and was super close to her heart and important. It’s setting a precedent in the family DYNAMIC- that an 18 year old can swoop in and take something that matters to his brothers wife and nobody - not even the groom- really cares about HER FEELINGS - what else are they not going to care about. I’d use the name. Sadly, dogs don’t live as long as humans so the baby will have that name their whole life Anyway- I do agree there are times to “just let go” of things and this isn’t one. For the family to think that’s ok of an 18 year old guy to do and nobody care about H’s feelings is really unfeeling, entitled etc. The bro in law is a jackass and the family should be embarrassed for not caring about the wife’s feelings

[@olchaCZ]

I hate myself for doing this, I never write comments. But this would bug me and would't let me sleep. Of course, it is regarding the baby namegate. I am glad to see overwhelming support for Sharleen in this argument but I am shocked at the lack of supporting evidence. H's BIL stole her idea/baby name. BIL knew it would hurt her "you are going to hate me for this...". H's husband knows she is hurt by this "when my husband initially found out...I cried. He told me that he understands my feelings and supports me but...". H's question is about her feeling towards her husband who doesn't want to confront his younger brother or ask their parents to deal with this. Let me ask you how you would feel about your husband seeing you being punched in a stomach by your BIL? Saying to you, I know it hurts but he is only 18? How would you feel if your BIL would take something special - original from your home in front of you and your husband. Your husband just lets him take it because BIL is only 18. He understands you can't replace. But his parents would not understand such a situation because the thing he took wasn't original to them! I love Shandy, I really enjoy Andy's analogies but his analogy didn't work and didn't answer H's question. In my opinion H's husband should talk to his parents and all three of them should confront BIL and tell him how stupid and hurtful his action was. They need to tell him to apologise to H, rename his dog and promise H not to hurt her again. That way it's done, over and never have to be mentioned again. I hope this make sense :-).

[@leannejscott]

100%.

[@sylvia.j]

Out of all the names in the world, this brother chooses THE ONE NAME that he knows they want for their baby. The problem here is the husband not standing up to his family. It's going to happen again, about the next issue which might be bigger than a baby's name. Have to disagree with Andy here because the husband needed to say something to The Family, and because he didn't, this shows more respect to The Family than to his wife. It sounds like a little issue but really I don't think it is that trivial.

[@youjiaa]

I completely agree with Sharleen about the baby name. That is not something I would be able to get over easily, nor my husband.

[@saraijones20]

I honestly agree more with Andy about the name, it’s not that it ISN’T a big deal or annoying, but what are they supposed to do? I say name the baby the same name, don’t let a stupid decision from someone else change what you want your child to be named.

[@AP-vo2mp]

#2 named M, I have a massive travel bug. I understand your feelings completely. I need to be with someone who wants to travel just as much as I do. Someone who likes to plan for trips, explore, and just go somewhere. I hope I can move at least every 3 years. And if I have children, I hope I can make trips at least two times a year. I love traveling and the surprise of going somewhere new and even though I can do it on my own, it would be cool to have someone join me.

[@evildoesnotsleep-x2b]

It's the same for me. I want to travel every year and live in another country every few. If the caller is like us, she should either find a partner who'd do that with her or one who's happy to stay behind while she does her own thing

[@delagonz4295]

Dear Andy, the brother in law is a mean asshole and the entire family enables him and THAT is the true issue here. He will do something truly heinous if they don’t put him in his place. Also, this is a huge red flag that runs deeper in the family dynamics.

[@janaturner1791]

Yay! I thought it may not be dropping till tomorrow.

[@yestothis]

Ms Scared of Falling: This is a RED flag and OP should run for the hills. The story he told is a classic story of DARVO, and the situation in the story is a way to warn her. It was to say "don't you ever expect me to even get you a glass of water even if I'm close to the kitchen. Every relationship with me is transactional, and I'm setting up your expectations that you mean less to me than putting down a toilet seat. I am number one and you are a distant number two". He's saying "you get to choose between being disrespected in your own home or I leave". As someone who is familiar with abusive dynamics, this is how it starts. The reason that the story about the glass of water doesn't make sense because it's a setup lol. Also, don't break up with him while he's at your house, I'm very serious.

[@pinkflamingo287]

I agree! Bright red flag! At best he's a man who subscribes to traditional gender roles and expects a subservient women, but likely he just wants to call the shots and is starting to test the waters so he can control her more as she gets more invested. It's also simply a sexist stance. If it's the woman's house and women always uses the toilet with seat down that is how it should be left. When I (a woman) lived with 3 males roommates I would put the seat back up when I was done because statistically it would be most often used in the up position. My current household is 2 adult women and two kids who both pee sitting down and my when my FIL comes by he leaves seat up and it makes me extremely angry. No one here uses seat up and a kid is going to fall in at some point.

[@YH-rf7hn]

A family shouldn’t be “destroyed” over the naming issue, but I disagree with Andy!! Both H’s husband and Andy are being dismissive of their partners’ feelings about this. It’s a big deal to THEM.

[@erikao3982]

For the second question, I do think that it’s okay to have a deal-breaker like wanting to live near family. I am definitely biased, though, because it is one of mine. I made sure to have the conversation with my husband many times before we were married… am I wrong? Is it okay to have this as a non-negotiable, or am I being selfish?

[@erikao3982]

PS-it’s just as fine to have a deal-breaker that you want to move somewhere else! But I’m not sure it means you’re unwilling to compromise if you don’t want to move away

[@mandyfisher7786]

I would come up with a terrible name for the dog and always call it that and refuse to call it the name I was going to use!😉

[@ScarlettLobo]

I like this idea. I suggest Father-Fu***

[@joakuz]

Poor puppy 🙁 It’s not his fault

[@ScarlettLobo]

@@joakuz I agree! The dog should be treated kindly. The one who is getting insulted is the stupid owner.

[@mandyfisher7786]

@@joakuz I'm not saying be mean to the dog either just call it by a different name.

[@lynneao]

I've disagreed with andy's opnions a bit before but *never* to such a degree, it honestly made me upset listening to them. I agree with sharleen so wholeheartedly about the name question, I think andy importantly didnt realize that the letter writer was no longer was planning to give her child the stolen name, she asked for new name ideas because this one was taken from her

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

For the kid that named his dog the baby's name, I would want to get to the bottom of why. Did he do it because he really liked the name (which seems unlikely), or because he wanted to get under her skin? Assuming it's the latter, why? Why does he feel the need to piss her off? That's a problem, and it's not necessarily going away. I know he's only 18, but 18 isn't 12.

[@theblueajah]

OMG! I have sooooooo many thoughts on the baby name subject. Firstly, I agree with Sharleen. It's a shitty thing to do on the brother's part and the puppy can be renamed! From the title, I was thinking it was for another child, not a puppy. Stealing a baby name for another baby is a way more complicated thing. The puppy NEEDS to be renamed, especially because the brother knows what he did and acknowledges his theft. Especially since the writer mentions that she only wants one child (which is a whole different issue). Secondly, as someone whose given name is based on something and had her name stolen by mainstream pop culture, I have many, many thoughts. A movie came out SIX MONTHS after I was born that had a main character with my name. It is not a common name (or at least wasn't at the time). Throughout my entire childhood (and even adult life), so many people have referenced the movie character upon learning my name and I was teased endlessly throughout school. Even when I mention that I was actually named after something else, no one cares and continues the movie reference and is the main reason that I choose to go by a name other than my given one. So Andy's suggestion of keeping the dog's name and the child's name as planned, is a terrible idea because everyone will only see that the child is named after the dog. Thirdly, unless that dog is named something similar to that of a beloved, honorable, and revered dog like Lassie, it will never a fun association. NOT TO MENTION what kind of dog that puppy turns out to be. That dog could be the most poorly trained dog that tears things apart and destroys possessions or worse, attacks/bites others, the name correlation could be the absolute worst thing and makes the theft so much worse. H is completely justified in how she feels and should confront the brother, especially if she can't find another name that she loves as much. The brother also needs to be put in his place and taught a lesson about how horrible he and his actions are in this case. NAMES ARE EVERYTHING!

[@thenopedetective]

This is clearly the less controversial question, but I disagree on the moving question. Moving to a different state can be a big deal for a lot of people. Losing friends can be huge when you move. Finding a job can be exceedingly difficult and complicated. One thing that wasn’t touched on was a lack of plan. I do think she should move as she’ll likely regret it otherwise. But she needs to have an actual plan for finances, for things they’ll both enjoy, how they’ll find jobs, and what they’ll do in 6 months to a year if he’s brutally unhappy. Because he could be, a lot of people crave stability. The last thing I’d suggest is digging into if she wants to move away due to social pressure (she feels embarassed) or because she has somewhere specific she wishes to move to.

[@margagomezcomedy]

H should adopt a snake and name it "Brother-In-Law"

[@elisasanchez924]

Actually agree with Andy. Name the baby the baby name and move on. I actually think this is actually more of a reflection of the brothers’ relationship with one another and I personally think that that’s not worth feeding. The younger brother is likely very jealous and angry with the older brother. The brother wants a reaction- don’t give it to him. When and if they have a son, they should name the baby that name- that will show the brother that he is wasting his time being jerk to them because it’s not stopping them. Be upset, make a passive comment, but really move on. Destroying in-law relations is something that is going to haunt them in the decades to come, and cause a whole lot of anger that just isn’t worth it. Andy is right- letting this turn into a huge in-law battle isn’t worth it- and while it might not turn into that at this moment, starting a big fight over this (when they can still use the name) isn’t worth it. Sure we can say “but his family…!!!”- but it’s still his family. Everyone’s family has their shortcomings- including their future family (future children and in-laws).

[@jessypie5574]

Re: G's vocal-fry husband, I think the way she responds will depend on her husband's personality. I'm also the one in my marriage who is more likely to give criticism, and my husband has told me that when I sugarcoat it or try to sandwich it with compliments, it's patronizing to him. He'd rather I just give him the criticism directly (and respectfully!).

[@lclem417]

My sister named her first child the same name as my cat (the cat was around first) and asked for our permission first. We were totally fine with it. Second story my sister-in-law got pregnant a few months into my pregnancy and liked one of the names on our list and asked us not to use it if possible. We ended up choosing a different name and they went with the one on our list. Both situations it was a discussion. But honestly I think H should take into consideration the age and maturity level of the BIL and rather than be offended be flattered that the name was so good he used it for his precious fur baby. There is no reason they can’t use the name when or if the time comes. In our case our daughter waaaay more suits the name we eventually came up with for her and her cousin suits the one from our list. Once they meet their eventual baby another name may fit better anyway.

[@julest5767]

Andy doesn't understand that H is grieving the loss of her future child who was already named that name. Loss hurts a lot

[@ulrikanilsson6395]

Andy: who gives a shit!? SHE gives a shit and that matters!!