QAC 23 - Being Forced Out of the Closet (Bi/Panromantic Non-binary Asexual)

[@keelanc674]

I always get baffled when people say asexuality is 'wrong in the eyes of god' because it doesn't even come up in the bible. I mean at least with homosexuality they have some sort of grounds for their argument. (I'm a non-binary pan-demi-romantic asexual myself.)

[@blondiegirl4384]

I'm Demiromantic pansexual and agender

[@e-811]

Even with being gay, wasn't that proven to be a mistranslation?

[@e-811]

Even with being gay, wasn't that proven to be a mistranslation?

[@wendyramos2320]

your mum sounds a lot like my mother. My mother really told me almost the same exact thing your mum told you, she said that she too had thought females were pretty but the difference was that there are some people that can control that others that cant. I told her that I was panromantic asexual but then I realized I was demisexual and had to tell her about that plus dropping the bomb that I was agender too. She had a lot more to say about the agender part than the demisexual part, she was happy that at least I felt sexual attraction for someone at least sometimes but she doesnt understand that I can basically bond with people and find them sexually attractive after that even if I don't want to ever have sex with them or even think about it that way and can just have a platonic relationship in that case. Basically everyone in the spectrum is different like some can have sex the heteronormal way and others like me don't feel anything from that and our relationships are more than that.

[@aerendyll]

This makes me think that information and guidance for parents and other family members is just as important as it is for the people who are figuring out themselves. Another thing that's important to remember: When you come out to others, you've had more time to think about things and come to terms with them. This is logical to those that come out, but the people you have just come out to might (wrongly) assume that you came to them with a completely new concern or one they want help with rather than just sharing that they figured out something about themselves and think you are ready to hear. That may be hard to deal with, especially since you might be too close to her personally to be able to get through to her, though I can't say this for sure. I do know that sometimes I prefer to have other people tell things to my parents for me since they take it less personally, but that might just be how they work? Ah, this is becoming pretty long, sorry about that. Still, be strong, and don't let your mother drive you crazy! She might take longer than usual to come to terms with all this, but if you anticipate it, it might be wise to look for reading or video material that's aimed at parents. I sadly don't know any that I can personally vouch for (my parents were more understanding, or at least my mum was) , but I'm sure there's some out there! Good luck to you both!

[@Theleafotaku]

Understand kind of what your going through. I was forced into coming out as asexual to my mom. It was scary as hell and now she just tells me "its a phase" or "youll grow out of it". Unfortunately, she wont accept me at all and just calls me "bisexual" (Not even close). Its hard to come out as asexual...I just hope in the future that this kind of thing wont be as terrifying for people.

[@prehistoricwatergun0136]

The two times I came out to my mom (1st as an atheist 2nd as a pansexual) she acted like that.The cringeworthy moment when your mom starts straightsplaining

[@kruuuuune]

crazy Society where you have to "Come out", as being ateist :o

[@kruuuuune]

what the hell is wrong with the world

[@frankenlafranken]

I can relate. Your mom sounds a lot like my older sister. Snoopy, aggressive and stubborn. She also doesn't take me seriously but it's getting better (I think...)

[@persnrandm5533]

Oh my non-celestial being! I know that it sounds kind of fucked up to say this but this made me feel alot better. My parents have said some of this stuff and hearing you debunk point out this stuff is one of the most amazing feelings ever. I can't explain it. But your super amazing. ;)

[@SMOSHLover109]

I can relate. I also made an offhand comment suggesting I was something other than straight, yet my mother didn't press it. Not until a couple days later did she ask if I was lesbian or bisexual where I said I didn't want to talk about it. I still haven't come out yet, but I'm hoping to soon. I am also a panromantic gray-ace, and it sucks to been put down. My best friend, who I have come out to, told me I'm still "semi-straight" since I'm pan, and she also didn't respect me enough to remember what I was, since I told her about and asexual video and she said wait what are you again I thought you were something with a p. She also almost forced me out to my other friends, when she yelled "but you aren't straight!" around them. I'm not too worried about it, but I want to come out when I want to, but she doesn't understand this. Your videos are really awesome and talking about asexuality and pansexuality is really cool. :) xx

[@QueerAsCat]

+Claire Sproule hi! :) i'm sorry to hear that you'd going through a stressful time with friends and family. :( i can definitely relate. your friend is being hella inconsiderate and rude. she's not acting like a real friend at all, imho.... i hope she gets her act together and starts listening to and supporting you like she should. i hope things work out with your mom, too. stay strong!

[@keerya4179]

I keep hearing this "asexual is the action of reproducing alone" thing in English and I found it sad cause in French we have two different words for it. "Asexué" is reproduction by itself and "asexuel" is the sexual orientation, so there isn't any possible mistake in French. Maybe English ace should talk about it with the scientific community to change the appellation of a being reproducing by itself since it seems inaccurate to have word ending on "sexual" when it does not have anything to do with sexuality. (reproduction and sexuality aren't the same thing at all !)

[@BriarPatchNyra]

How on earth is asexuality wrong in the eyes of God. The bible talks ABOUT how it's fine to be ace. I'm ace and aro and Christian and I don't see anything that says that's wrong.

[@Yoyo18247]

Yay someone else who knows that the Bible never says it's wrong.

[@HanonSama]

Same:)

[@persnrandm5533]

Also, I came out about a year ago. I wasn't at all patient with my parents because before that I came out as bi (because I was super ace/arophobic and didn't know it). My parents tried to convince me out of being bi which pissed me the fuck off since I researched a bunch about all the ways people could be biphobic. My parents are generally good people and both are outspoken about their support of gay rights (only after I came out, no mention of gay before then). But they questioned me and killed my confidence before so this time I told them I was non-binary gender neutral (before I knew about mavrique) then everytime they doubted me I would get as pissed as possible and leave. After they saw me cry a few times about it they finally stopped questioning it, used my name more often and kinda pronouns but not really.They pretend now that they were supportive and not supportive of nb/bi-erasure after things calmed down aka. Maybe six months later. I'm lucky that I had those sort of parents.

[@Vincisomething]

When I told my friend about my demisexuality, she too said the whole "everyone is like that", "you just never dated anyone," "you need to go on more dates" etc. Trying to explain my sexuality to her was like Literally Every Time Bob Says 'Oh My God' On 'Bob's Burgers'. I had to put down my phone because oh my god, I couldn't talk to her for a while after that.

[@MrMasterDebate]

Vincisomething oh my god!

[@ZtheMonster]

my mom did the same thing when i came out as bi when i was 14. she and i got into a really bad fight and then she ignored the fact i'm not straight for months until one day she'd just come out of nowhere and ask me irrelevant questions and tell me i was going to hell or something or other. now that i'm dating a cis male (and my previous ex of 1 1/2 years is a cis male too), she thinks i'm straight again. ugh. she did make me a gay pride shirt for a gay pride parade i went to a few years back though. still, I dont try to talk to her about it, and recently i found out the extent of my dads homophobia/mom's transphobia, so i dont really think i'll try to come out again. i hope you're okay now, and that the premature heart attack you must've had has passed.

[@QueerAsCat]

ah, bisexual erasure... "you're in a relationship with X, so you're straight, not bisexual!" or "you're in a relationship with Y, so you're gay, not bisexual!" i totally understand how frustrating and annoying that must be. :/ hang in there, though. the fact that at some point she made you a gay pride shirt leads me to think that there is hope for her in there somewhere. even if she never really comes to terms with things, hopefully she will at least learn to still support you in spite of that. hopefully she will prioritize your happiness and well being over her own difficulties with things. stay strong!

[@cavalier080854]

I don't like the term "Out of the Closet" as this is really for the Gay people. I prefer my own term "Reveal". As asexual people we are known as the invisible ones, even though we are in plain sight, hence "reveal" our identity.

[@QueerAsCat]

even though i don't personally agree, i totally respect that. :)

[@ChaosMagnet]

Oh man... Poor you! You got put through parental hell. The more I see from other ace people's experiences, the more thankful I am that my mother is not very religious and is more tolerant than most of her 'grew up in the '40's and '50's' generation. She doesn't get it... and she likely never will, but at least she has never said anything terribly ignorant, hateful, or dismissive. She doesn't get why 'coming out' is important, why anyone ever would, because she thinks everything about a person's sexuality should be completely private and never spoken about at all. Or, really, anything that makes a person different in any way should be hidden. But your mum... jeez, she put you through the mill! I'm sorry you went through that... I'm sorry that any of us face that kind of crap from the people who should love us unconditionally and without judgement. I hope things have gotten better. You're incredibly brave to brooch this subject with her, knowing that she'd not react well.

[@RhysezPieces]

Yeah, hearing these stories makes me appreciate my mother. I'll likely never tell my dad (he might possibly be like her mom, but I just don't talk to him much anyway, so no point) but my sisters accepted me immediately 100% since they knew how I felt about sex/attraction. If your family knows you, they should know how you are even before you tell them. My mother accepts when I talk about asexuality and hasn't bluntly questioned me, but I have had a few comments from her: "Maybe save that info for a few dates in? A guy might not continue dating you if you tell him you never want sex.", "IF that ever changes-", and, as I see myself as pan-romantic, I get the same comment when she goes "If you should ever get a boyfriend-" Me: "Or girlfriend." Her: "0.0 .....anyway-."

[@RhysezPieces]

+Rhys TheGraveDigger She's always been a devote believer in people being themselves and not being oppressed, but those heteronormative mindsets that got ingrained come out sometimes and sting a bit.

[@AutumnCzun]

I was also told that my experience is completely "normal". :S This really messed with my mind since I don't know much about sexual people's feelings. And it's not like I wanted to go into details about my sexuality. I just wanted to say I'm asexual and I didn't see any problem whatsoever with it. I still don't understand why I need to convince anyone that I am not interested in sex. Why can't people simply believe me? Just saying.

[@QueerAsCat]

+AutumnCzun you totally don't need to convince anyone of anything. even if they don't get it, that's their problem. not yours, imho. but yeah.... i know how mindfucking and numbing it can be to have someone erase or gloss over your experience with comments like "but everyone's like that."

[@quasi8180]

My twin is the same way. She ignores when i tell her to drop stuff

[@swankivy]

Oh no. Yep, I thought the "related videos" might have been how your mom saw the other channel's videos! (That was my first thought when I saw your stuff on Tumblr.) :/ I've had the experience of my mom finding things I didn't mean her to see on the Internet, too, but happily enough it was never about this subject. I hope you're doing okay. (And it's nice to not be the only asexual person on KZbin making 20+-minute videos anymore. :) )

[@QueerAsCat]

...damn youtube, being so clever about how it populates the related videos list. :/ but yeah, i'm alright. hopefully nothing will happen to make me go on and on for 20mins+ again lol.

[@abcdefg54321x]

I like the nose ring!

[@FoenyxFeather]

Holy shit the trainwreck. >.< *hides*

[@trashcan8770]

am I the only one with sensible parents?

[@MrMasterDebate]

I really respect you =) I'm sorry you have a unsupportive parent =( . My parent doesn't accept it , but they don't really harp on it .

[@abcdefg54321x]

Does ur mom now subscribe to ur channel or did u block her account?

[@QueerAsCat]

cbrstunter24 no, she doesn't subscribe to my channel. she can check it out whenever she wants to, but she doesn't.

[@Plushiecandie]

My dad/mom may understand it one day (if I'm lucky) but will never accept the part of me that is genderqueer and pansexual. It sucks. I would feel better if it was a journey, or with some end goal. But this is probably how it'll be for the rest of my life.

[@OtakuGunsoNY]

My mom asked me if I was lesbian on 2 different occasions. Another occasion she even asked if I was transgender. Oh noooooozzzzz wow your mom sounds like my mom O________O

[@thirty-sevenemptydietcokec9512]

Are you LGBT+? If so than you mine as well come out too her, since she already has the impression of it.

[@OtakuGunsoNY]

heh I am not lebian nor am I trans but I am genderqueer though :P She doesn't know what that is and to her and the rest of my family gender = genitals so it doesn't even serve a purpose for me to try to explain it to them when their brains won't let them understand ...

[@RhysezPieces]

+Otaku Gunsoおたく軍曹 I hate that some people don't understand the difference between gender and sex. Do they not trust the dictionary? Have they not been to a psychology/sociology class? (More likely)

[@OtakuGunsoNY]

Rhys TheGraveDigger I have no idea x_x What I do know is that when my mom went to the urgent care place most recently she actually got offended that they asked sexual orientation and gender identity questions ... Of course I am glad to know that in the gender identity line up they actually have gender queer listed (:

[@blueisnotgreen7258]

sometimes i take baths and sing in a pretty soprano. Sometimes i like to drink beer and play video games. So...you know. What physical sex am i? if you had to guess my gender could you? can you guess from this? THAT is how you do it. yeah, i dont care about belonging or clubs...im comfortable with who i am.

[@RhysezPieces]

Aside from the beer, you sound exactly like me and I've never felt like others' opinions of my actions warrant change of those actions. Societal gender norms are so stupid. -.-