Quality of Life

Approaching completion of my seventh year in sobriety. I've been thinking about sharing my story here on this platform. But I haven't decided for sure whether I feel comfortable doing so. I should remember too, that no matter what I end up recording or not recording, it will not be seen much. It matters only as much as what it does to me. It is my story. It will be (mostly) anonymous. Nothing is really a secret or a surprise. Nothing worth hiding. It is just of a private and personal nature, that I will be posting to a public platform. It will just be another notch in the story of this story. I have publicly told my story many times, but it has never been captured. I am curious what it sounds like. How I will tell it. If I will have any success with forgetting myself well enough to tell it. Knowing that I am being recorded may effect the telling. Not sure. We will see.
I feel sometimes wholly detached and disconnected with certain aspects of my psychological planescape. As though I am telling someone else's story. I simply am the one who knows this particular story very well. Feeling as though I am only telling it by practice of rehearsal, not from having lived it. Remembering the memory of memories, the memory of feeling, but now having trouble actually tapping in.
Telling the whole story in one sitting maybe helps to bring it all together. To make it real again. It isn't about reliving trauma or reexperiencing pain, but about not forgetting our own history. Of what it was like, what happened, and reflecting on what it is like now. And then on taking inventory of current situations and making changes where we might want. Or simply being appreciative of everything by the by, since in general for myself, I have problems at all. The dead no longer have problems. And the problems I have now are better problems than the ones I used to have. I can work on these problems if I can figure up the ability to try. Which is another battle in itself a lot of the time. I have a better quality of life. I will never know the quantity of my time left, but I can affirmatively declare with no hesitation that the quality of my time has remarkedly improved.
My daily worries and stresses. Anxieties and woes seem to pale against past foes. I am free to fear as much as I wish or as I dare, but it really comes back to what I can afford, what I want to afford, what I want to let have residence and occupation at work within the confines of my mental asylum. My sanctuary. What do I give a home in my heart? Investing in a life worth having, a life worth living, a life worth sharing. It isn't the best of lives, but it is My life. I am greatly incentivized to try to live the best one I know how. I cannot fail, if I allow for myself to be okay with whatever ends up happening, or ends up not happening. Living in a typical world. Obstacle and adversity, yes, but adventure too.

[@scribble3784]

I didn't even notice you post. Hello!!! Also you've been doing a wonderful job with your shorts. Have you found a schedule that works fot you yet?

[@Verge25]

I am still working on it. Deciding on what I feel is within my ability to maintain and keep up with. Some days the words just aren't there. I have something that I would want to say, but I cannot figure out how to say in a coherent concise manner. I do make an attempt to make my content approachable by as many people as who might care to listen. Though I do venture and delve into darker territory from time to time. Mostly, just trying to upload something once a day. I have been enjoying uploading just nature clips of things in my environment. Breaks up the monotony of seeing some guy sitting there in a white t-shirt talking about whatever. Adds a visual splash of color and sound that gives some variety.

[@Verge25]

And thank you for your continued support. It is noticed and appreciated. :)

[@scribble3784]

​@@Verge25Your nature videos are absolutely wonderful by the way. It's really calming. Honestly, your whole channel is really calming. I love to listen to your videos in the background as I draw. You have a wonderful voice and way of explaining things. I always find it so funny how you say "No one is watching now.". It makes me suddenly hyper aware of myself, but in a more lighthearted way. You really are a cool individual. Sorry for being late with my reply but I haven't been on my phone at all so I'm now seeing your message. Hope you're well!!!

[@Verge25]

@@scribble3784 I am wondering what it is you like to draw. And I am flattered and humbled that you listen as you do. Being welcomed into your world. Thank you. I guess for the longer videos, I try to keep the conversation a bit at the surface, maybe a little entertaining, or approachable to a general audience. I figure that most people will click away after a few minutes. I sometimes even intentionally try to remain boring for a while to dissuade people from staying too long. But after about five to ten minutes, I figure everyone is gone. So then I can talk freely. Just candidly telling myself whatever it is I have left to say or whatever is going on or not going on. Anyone that does weather the storm and sticks around has my permission to press on. If it is of any entertainment or educational value, that's okay with me. I like just letting myself ramble on while recording without any real agenda. I mostly even remember to talk about what I meant to talk about. And whatever I forget, just gets rolled into something else anyway. I don't lose much. I might need to give you specifically a nod or a sign of recognition next time. Or I might just inexplicably give a wave out of nowhere that has nothing to do with anything that I am talking about. I won't give it any explanation. Just a wave or a thumbs up maybe. I will think of it in the moment when it arrives. :)

[@scribble3784]

@@Verge25 Well they certainly are enjoyable. I've noticed you definitely tend to get way more relaxed to the end of the video. Have you ever thought about doing a type of 'random facts about me.' Type of video? It would be interesting but you don't have to. Sorry once again about the terrible communication. Trust me I still care for you just the same and read your replies but sometimes I can't find words. It sucks because there are so many things you say that can lead to conversation and discussion. Random but it's something I find interesting. I know we briefly talked about nostalgia but do you have any type of general places that bring you that nostalgia feeling? For me it would be cafes/dinners. Those are the typical places I instantly think about when I hear nostalgia. To paint an image I think of dark foggy cold weather with a random comforting dinner. Not that I've actually been there but just the general idea brings me so much comfort. Sorry if this portion is far too long I just don't know how to explain it properly without sending images. If you have anything you'd like to ask me feel free.