Reading Dwarf Fortress Patch Notes

[@PMSeymour]

Apologies for the sudden upload, but apparently, the Dwarf Fortress video had been taken off YT without explanation, SO gonna try to put it back :D

[@Jackal2991]

Huh, and here I was about to needle you about Like farming.

[@PMSeymour]

What the Sam hell is Like Farming??

[@Jackal2991]

Doing extraneous stuff to farm for more Likes from your subscribers and the like.

[@PMSeymour]

Well doesn't that seem tedious @@

[@Jackal2991]

Yeah, much like Binge Compilations? I kid I kid, those are very, very convenient. :) So... mind if I dome you with a repost of a story I posted earlier about three weeks ago? I think you may not have read it...

[@willofbob]

Looking it up, 'the bear situation' was apparently bears had no limit to the amount of alcohol they could consume, and had their desire for alcohol turned up too high, meaning that bears would frequently break into the fortress and completely drain it of booze.

[@marsar1775]

willofbob sounds like fun

[@exelexor]

so they removed Russian bears?

[@sam248]

Why am I not surprised it was booze related? ALSO! That is the funniest image I can imagine. Goldilocks flipped, instead of her eating porridge, it's bears drinking the dwarves under the table! xD

[@getthegoons]

That's an amazing mental image

[@madkirk7431]

Lmao

[@xyndraxyndra9645]

the post-2010 updates are worded in the way of "these were the bugs that we fixed"

[@seanpeacock4290]

I was thinking the same thing. There might have been something at the top of the notes that said "fixed a bug where..."

[@babaspector]

it was painful to hear him read it out, as if it was the intended behavior, and not bugs.

[@kauekairony990]

because, you know, crocodiles are meant to have hair

[@darthplagueis13]

@@kauekairony990 All hail the great floofigator!

[@HolyKhaaaaan]

Nevertheless, still some very strange bugs to be having

[@reid3031]

It's really telling that he, having never played DF, assumed "stopped aerial births" to be referring to birds, while I, having played DF, assumed it referred to dwarves

[@amberblyledge7859]

I also assumed it was Dwarves.

[@goldenrodthedragon]

I wouldn't be surprised if it was dwarves

[@philcollins1613]

It was probably dwarves

[@velocityraptor2890]

I HAVEN'T played DF, but somehow I knew it wasn't about birds

[@lordfelidae4505]

I’m certain it was dwarves.

[@donald12998]

Added cats. Added beer. All the cats are deing from alcohol poisoning, time to comb through 10 years of changes to figure out why this is happening

[@eduardolarrymarinsilva76]

@Tab So let me get this straight. Cats were presumably getting soaked with beer and as they groomed themselves the game took into account the kind of liquid they had, so the cat was getting drunk and dead indirectly?

[@Kes22497]

@@eduardolarrymarinsilva76 iirc it was something like that. They walked on tavern floors where dwarves spilled beer and then licked their paws and proceeded to die

[@Robosium]

@@eduardolarrymarinsilva76 basically yeah, cats walked through spilled alcohol and that stacked until they cleaned themselves at which point they drank a lot of alcohol all at once and overdosed, think it was fixxed by limiting the amount of alcohol that can fit on cats or was it making them not consume all of it at once thus causing them to blackout before dying

[@Echosofthepast0]

@@Robosium if I am understanding the short right they consumed the full amount of I assume a cup of alcohol no matter how much was spilt and all I can picture is a cat standing in a small but somehow reoccurring puddle if there's another glitch or whatever and gets stuck in a loop cleaning itself-

[@230Cheerios]

@@Echosofthepast0 based on my understanding beer and alcohol was originally defined in units, and not in any more specific amounts, and cats had 4 paws that could get wet with the ability to drink and clean themselves, while taking into account what they drank. So the game sees a cat clean its 4 paws of alcohol, and so it gave the cat 4 full cups of alcohol in less than 5 seconds. There is also alcohol poisoning, and the cats went just a smidge over how much their body sizes could handle without dying. So they experienced the full effects of alcohol poisoning and died within seconds

[@RavenMinis]

In 2010 Tarn Adams started making his update notes shorter, so the list you were reading were problems that existed and had bean patched

[@HolyKhaaaaan]

As opposed to radish patched?

[@Aegis4521]

Even so

[@Brunhidden]

didnt even get to 'stopped babies starting strapped with knife'

[@subtlewhatssubtle]

I like to imagine that it was just Dorf tradition. "Welcome to the world, my dear Urist McJenkins. You're three hours old and don't understand a word I'm saying. Here's your sharp thing. Don't lose any--oh, you've lost a toe."

[@kyosokutai]

I found this funny because Urist is the dearven word for dagger.

[@ReverendLeRoux]

It's a shame you didn't get to the best ones. Made carp less hardcore. Reduced cost of mermaid scale due to unethical farming practices. Allowed sponges to move. Gave sponges internal organs for pulping. Dead limbs can now be individually reincarnated by a necromancer.

[@herobrineharry7698]

That must be a nightmare. You’re fighting off skeletons when there’s an ominous, scaly rustling from the mermaid farm...

[@krullachief669]

We don't talk about the mermaid farms. We also don't talk about the Dwarven SPARTAN program.

[@Shaun_Jones]

@@krullachief669 I thought we settled on Dwarven Daycare as the name for that experiment.

[@krullachief669]

@@Shaun_Jones I believe so, but Dwarven SPARTAN program gets the meaning across a bit better to those not in the know

[@liumfekohar724]

​@@krullachief669What was the Dwarven Spartan Program?

[@herobrineharry7698]

Dwarf fortress: simulates individual layers of flesh and tissue as well as thoughts and emotion Also dwarf fortress: WE SACRIFICE OUR CHILDREN TO THE CARP, THAT THEY MAY NO LONGER DESTROY US

[@nicolasmartinez4337]

herobrineharry this is hilarious

[@ianshorter2712]

That’s what they meant when they said they made the carp less hardcore...

[@sundrythis]

i love that even without context for dwarf fortress your response to elves is “those stuuuUpid elves!”

[@tomfoolery4490]

A true dwarf at heart.

[@NoraNekos7]

@@tomfoolery4490 i think even elves hate other elves

[@dazmaster22]

Having played dwarf fortress for a long time I have context for these issues, some are quite funny because they are way worse than you think. Like the gloves one, they wouldnt just be late because they kept trying on gloves and boots, sometimes they would keep trying them on so long they ended up starving/dehydrating to death.

[@sweetkuridreamer]

Extreme indecision

[@ghostnebula8805]

🤣

[@goldenreflection2811]

"Rain kills everything it lands on", if I'm remembering correctly, is worse than "super acid rain". It was much closer to "rain that makes the fat in your body literally melt off if it touches you"

[@gingermcgingin4106]

If you where really lucky, it was "rain that instantly turns you into a super-zombi"

[@JoshSweetvale]

Rain did something weird with melting points, yeah.

[@VanStolin]

I knew I wasn't crazy. As for some of the patch notes. He doesn't just list things that were patched, but also things that are yet to be patched, just so people know that the problem has already been reported and doesn't fill the bug report list. So from 2010 onwards, you were reading the bug reports. Which are funny in their own right. Like the one where cats were getting drunk because of licking beer from their paws. Each lick was counted as a full cups worth of beer, which for their body size was pretty lethal. It's since been fixed and a 'splash' of a liquid has actual volume now

[@ThatguycalledJoe]

I think 2010+ was formatted like "This is what was going screwy."

[@playr1077]

1:32 it means dwarves won't be happy when they sleep in beds that were built in an Amazing quality dining room

[@Demonologist013]

From what I could gather, The bear situation was when the bears skipped everything and went straight for the booze and drank all of it.

[@lasagna3289]

tfw he doesn’t realize that on the second page they’re listing bugs they’ve fixed, not things they did

[@SioxGreyWolf]

The problem is the sudden flip.

[@Lux_the_Lost]

Great, not even a minute in and I'm giggling like a loon. "Mules shitting luggage" is just too hilariously weird.

[@Aurilaushe]

No sentence has ever decimated me like "magma crabs drown in magma"

[@QueenLethargy]

Man, don't you just _love_ KZbin randomly taking down videos for no _gosh darn reasons?_

[@DaydreamingArtist322]

How long do you think the list of youtube’s bugs would be?

[@QueenLethargy]

@@DaydreamingArtist322 Probably longer than CVS receipts.

[@ToryuMau]

... You know it's a game that has transcended it's own boundaries when even the glitches and bugs are just as !FUN! as the intended features! Can't make this stuff up intentionally, M8. >)X^D

[@voxlknight2155]

The "Happy thoughts" is pretty simple really. Dwarves, when they do stuff they enjoy, get happy thoughts, they patched out a bug where they got a happy thought from sleeping in a public dining hall... basic stuff by DF standards. Also, Semimegabeast is a dwarf fortress term which refers to creatures that act a pseudo-minibosses in the game, megabeasts acting as pseudo-bosses. Examples of semimegabeasts are a minotaur or cyclops.

[@HaniiPuppy]

2:22 - "Made thieves and their support groups respect each other" Those who steal together, heal together :D

[@DaydreamingArtist322]

3:42-3:51: I’m pretty sure that says *UN*intended attributes. I’m curious as to what those are, as well.

[@slinkie423]

also i think the patchnotes from 2010/ 2011 were "known bugs" rather than "fixed bugs".... i'm not entirely sure, but it looks alot like that's the case? \_(``/)_/ idk

[@Arcanua]

As a DF player I love that you're doing this cuz it's super great x3 None of these are made by bots. The beds thing was to make people not make multipurpose rooms being so OP. Aerial births were not with birds btw that was dwarves. All animal people (man/woman) have feet they just have the heads of the animal and if they have wings or tails they those too. Shame you didn't mention the cats and inn issue getting fixed. xD

[@egirlSkeletor]

The only game where patch notes that are funnier when you get them

[@sygnusadun4832]

You laugh at it but I have have dwarves run into battle, give birth, wield their newborns like a flail, and then go off duty after killing goblins with a baby.

[@jabril7832]

This is a video. All craftdwarfship is of the highest quality.

[@Cyfrik]

It menaces with spikes of comments.

[@clockworkpotato9892]

@@Cyfrik And encircled in bands of quality voice acting

[@jamdeluxe7456]

the 2005 patch made it seem like it used to be animal crossing

[@iamsushi1056]

I love how with no explanation sometime in 2009 they just decided, instead of listing the solutions we added to the bugs we fixed, we’ll just start listing the problems that _were_ fixed. I can see how he presumed these to be features added not bugs removed

[@Nikarus2370]

Strictly, the 2008 change to "aerial births" doesn't affect clowns, they can still give birth in the air.

[@therogueadmiral]

Lol, not only did some people apparently miss the original upload, a ton don't read video descriptions.

[@bordias5922]

There was a bug about cats becoming drunk by licking their paws after walking on puddles of alcohol in the tavern.

[@c-line6294]

It’s good that the SEMIMEGABEASTS™️ have friends!

[@cherrysodaz]

I'M SO ON TIME! Also today I played D&D for the first time today so... Yay! It was awesome

[@tattersthebat6253]

Lucky! I really want to play that game but I know nobody ._.

[@cherrysodaz]

@@tattersthebat6253 It's pretty cool. Maybe you can start a club at school?

[@voxlknight2155]

Even I, who's played the game for years, find these extremely hilarious. The game so far up there in the "Most complex games of all time" (No.1 on the list HAS to be Aurora 4X, seriously that game is nuts) list that im pretty sure that not even Tarn really understands most of it. The game is so fucking bonkers that like half of the stuff that you see on the bug fixes list are actually working as intended, probably the most well known example being when cats started dying of alcohol poisoning... look that up, theres a video on youtube about it and its absolutely hilarious!

[@AbadonXXX]

I appreciate these dwarf fortress notes and thought if random headcanons like the bear situation and the animals renting rooms being connected

[@sackfu7952]

I think a lot of these are more bug reports rather than fixes, explaining what the bug was, not saying "this was intended to happen and is the way things will be from now on"

[@wastebin996]

"those STUPID elves" are you *sure* you know nothing about Dwarf Fortress?

[@CosmiaNebula]

1:37 Have you heard? Colorless green ideas sleep furiously!

[@PhirePhlame]

From 2010, it started just describing the bugs that were fixed.

[@WakoDoodle]

serpents with legs are usually lizards, chameleons, geckos or other reptiles. Snake can kinda kick with their tail as their whole body is a muscle. What a serpent man is besides a lizard man; is anyone's guess.

[@VanStolin]

Serpent men don't have legs. He's reading the bug report list at that point. Serpents can't kick, because they don't have legs. They can use their tail to whip though, which is a different function. Whips are for lashing which is a cutting weapon, while kicking is blunt and for smashing. It makes Serpent men more dangerous in some respects because Lashers cut through armor like fucking nothing.

[@Lumegrin]

funny coincidence I came here because I watched a sims 3 patch notes video and immediately thought of dwarf fortress

[@bonetonelord]

I think from 2010 on they're lists of bugs that were fixed rather than what actual changes were made.

[@GeoffreyBronson]

Well if you think about it, you're not going to exactly appreciate an amazing bedroom when you're asleep. For one, your eyes are closed. You're also asleep.

[@pootisbird5212]

“Fixed bug with mules shitting luggage”

[@darrengaither3428]

It seemed at one point it wasn't about fixing the bug more then making yiu aware of the bugs .

[@lucasdieugenio507]

"... 2010 was a strange year for this game..." RODENT MAN has no teeth "2011 starting strong."

[@alexsminecraftchannel3956]

Fun Fact, Seymour: This game is free to play!

[@pokesonav]

"Down with aerial births!"

[@expressionamidstcacophony390]

Stopped *you from getting* happy thoughts from sleeping in an amazing bedroom when the bedroom is actually a dining room.

[@ChieftainKirk]

P.M. Seymour reads commentor submitted jokes!

[@LifesNeverHumDrum]

Based on the “2cat” meme, adding cat butchery was a no-brainer

[@user-dw7jx9eb9g]

I love it when you read because you make everything more interesting and laugh worthy!

[@KertaDrake]

Dwarf fortress is just a random word generator creating a game and the results are hilariously awesome.

[@layonixwhitemane4499]

Your channel makes me laugh on bad days and your voice makes these so much funnier. Thank you for making the videos

[@DrPotatoPerson]

I know its hard to tell, but i think the 2010 and 2011 ones are bug reports

[@hellworm]

The captions say: made semi mega beasts get along better with their gay friends.

[@HarmonizedHero]

could you please re-upload the guess the patchnotes game but add text saying what game its from? (or just do it with the new ones) thanks if you do, if not then thats ok.

[@SakuraKotoni]

Adam The Pie guy I think he said that he doesn't even know the games, since the account he reads them from does not say what games they are from. I think he said that, not 100% sure though.

[@HarmonizedHero]

+OrangeKotoni i dont watch the guess videos so i wouldnt know, it annoys me that it doesnt say what games they are from for some reason.

[@MrJamesbondo07]

Poor guy will never recreate the majesty of the sims patch notes video and I dont even know why

[@paulgibbon5991]

"Stopped children and babies from joining you on your adventures." Even if you're going on a bear hunt?

[@ZephaniahNoah]

"Stupid Elves" I like this guy!

[@gliscorpropagandaaccount1764]

I mean, Taako is an idiot wiz-//shot

[@HeavyMetalMouse]

I have to imagine that the rain killing everything it falls on is a result of 'falling damage' calculations being applied in a weird way. A similar 'bug' appears in the D&D 3e ruleset, where an object falling onto another object or creature from a great height would deal damage solely based on distance fallen, with mass irrelevant, and a static dice cap of 20 dice to represent a sort of 'terminal velocity'. If this were applied to, say, a falling raindrop, it would mean that every drop of water dealt, on average, 70 damage - that's enough to blast through 6.5 inches of stone, 4 inches of stone, or 2 inches of iron or steel, for Each And Every Raindrop. Now, in D&D, you have a DM applying the rules, who can look at this situation and say "This is obviously not intended to work this way." and they can just not do that. But when a computer is applying the rules, and sees "A rain is falling on a thing. A rain is an object. Apply falling damage to rain and to thing it falls on." it just does it, because it wasn't told to make an exception. :P

[@hleghe810]

1:35 No bonus if you sleep in a really good dining room

[@cyrusbrother7402]

In 2010 and 2011 it’s sounded like they were adding in those horrors to the game

[@mdalsted]

I think 2010 and 2011 were lists of glitches.

[@EdKolis]

God doesn't play dice with the universe. He plays The Sims. I mean, Dwarf Fortress.

[@soraos21]

P.M. Seymour: I think I've gone absolutely insane... Welcome to Dwarf Fortress, where the dwarves are kinda stupid, the nobles are completely useless, and the elves make for excellent target practice.

[@ae3qe27u3]

You ever thought about reading some more of these? There have been a fair few more since then :D

[@the_astronaut7410]

ITS RAINING BABIES

[@manrisakirisame3505]

Also, no, "Stop Arial births" did not refer to birds.

[@t.c.bramblett617]

hey, since when is blood hanging in the air a PROBLEM?

[@Lumegrin]

You seem to have been reading them and assuming these are additions and not the bugs that were fixed

[@PZMaTTy]

I played dwarf fortress 7 years and understand all the changelog, but sounds so funny hahahaha

[@emery2869]

So if dead dwarves stay with their squad... Would Levi squad stay with Levi?

[@a5thkiranora207]

YeS

[@d4n737]

Bruh, the developer of this game seems like the person who would program everything from the ground up and the most inefficient yet precise systems ever. Like programming every possible chess turn with "If"s and "Then"s. I would not be surprised if this game has analogue-based alcohol poisoning system based on cell simulation

[@tulsatrash]

More of these please

[@dankduck]

Nice video JonTron

[@PeoplecallmeLucifer]

1:32 read:" Stopped dealing LSD"

[@NostalgiaEli]

Just a random thought but you should read one of these game patches in a demon Travis voice it would be hilarious XD

[@anhilliator1]

>cat butchery Dude, you don't understand - without that, _everyone_ in your fortress will _die._ Have two cats in your fortress and just _see_ what happens. I dare you.

[@Anonymouthful]

You should make another one about DF.

[@landanmoore8713]

Magma crabs drown in magma. Humans drown in water.

[@loomingvoid]

I like seeing what things it says on my birth year because those are now my goals in life.

[@rmt3589]

This is the first video I've watched about this game. I have several questions... Hopefully the next 2 will provide answers!

[@deuterium_oxide7382]

2:52 i chose the wrong time to drink water

[@Sugar3Glider]

6:10 you're reading what the big was, not what he changed it to

[@komrade223]

What? No mention of cats getting drunk from licking their paws after walking through a bar?

[@Pokefan8263]

2010-2011 sounds like the devs are trolling instead of fixing anything.

[@tefnutofhoney2832]

Thanks my dude. I told you this would be funny

[@redwolfmaddox3986]

Ariel births got me down lmfaoooooooooo

[@TheOnlyErk]

Ahhh. The bear situation. That created a lot of "fun."

[@michaeldayman682]

Gloves and boots, and boots and gloves and gloves and boots and loop.

[@rbarkley6500]

@P.M. Seymour Apparently the bear situation was drunk bears

[@jesusofsuburbia8825]

You should voice act as Deadpool you sound just like I’d expect hi to

[@brendencooper5154]

Plasma Beam Entertainment I think he has done that before. But it was for a comic

[@jesusofsuburbia8825]

Oh

[@guyshu7821]

Semimegabeasts! Gotta capture em all!

[@MissFeatherstone]

Guy Linden the next new Pokémon concept: Semimegabeasts, which are a result of breeding ultrabeasts with normal Pokémon

[@lelagrangeeffectphysics4120]

@@MissFeatherstone shounldnt it be just megabeast

[@adamdobry5517]

are those patch notes or bug list

[@wyattknutson]

I know DF fairly well and I can't explain a lot of this

[@lex_cat11]

We need some KZbin bug fixes