Here's what we get wrong about the 5 Stages of Grief

Let's once and for all come to an understanding that the "5 stages of grief" aren't really stages. That would be too easy. Grief has never been linear. We didn't "discover" grief in 1969 when the 5 stages of Grief were described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
If you’re grieving, we recommend joining Megan’s monthly grief support group call where you can get answers to your questions about grief and learn what to say to people who just. don't. get. it.
Go to / megandevine and sign up at the $10 level to get immediate access to our upcoming calls and all of our previous Q&A recordings.
#grief #mentalhealth #stagesofgrief

[@paphnutiy]

Thank you, Meaghan. I have followed you for 4 years, since my son died. Your words are very supportive. I don't feel "better", I feel ok to feel what I'm feeling. Thank you so much for this.

[@ciarajones8848]

My best friend and roommates boyfriend died unexpectedly in his sleep yesterday... I found this video in looking for ways to support her right now, because as a person who has experienced tremendous amounts of grief in my life, I know ppl usually get it wrong even when they mean well. I appreciate this video so much because everyone always tried to get me to get over my pain when I lost my son and I just couldn't. Today I didn't try to tell my friend what to feel i just asked her if she needed anything to drink or if she wanted to take a hot bath, she didn't so i tucked her into bed and let her rest. I'm pretty sure she's in shock and paralysis a bit right now and she verbally said she didn't know what to do with herself. All I knew to do was make her comfortable and be here through whatever she's feeling, and now I'm understanding that's really all one can do. I feel like grief never ends it just changes and we change with it and eventually we just get better at navigating life without whatever it was that we lost be it a person or opportunity, job, personal belongings or whatever we may grieve. My grief never looked the way my family wanted it to. It was messy and ugly as grief often is. This video gave me peace that I wasn't any more abnormal than the next person in that. Over the years after facing many significant losses, I've gotten comfortable with the ugliness of grief. I don't mind sitting through the dark parts of life with people I love, even when it's hard or uncomfortable. I know all too well how it feels to be abandoned and unsupported when things get messy. Unfortunately, life is not always fair or kind, and some experiences leave us with questions that have no answers and wounds that may never fully heal, or leave us with a permanent scar if they do. It's just part of being human. Thank you very much for this video.

[@dennisandrews711]

Thank you, your book and videos are helping me. I lost my wife of 31 years on 30 May 2024 and last week I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukaemia. Not having her here to talk to is so hard.

[@MeMyrrh]

I’m holding you in my heart and prayers. I’m navigating the aftermath of a stage 4 diagnosis on my own. It’s a challenging path; stay in gratitude and grace whenever possible.

[@SunWM99]

There is hope. My mother is a 4-time cancer survivor. I'm sorry about your loss. I, too, lost my beautiful husband of 23 years on June 3rd, 2023, suddenly and tragically.

[@dennisandrews711]

@@SunWM99 Thank you, I am sorry about your loss too. Losing your spouse is just terrible.

[@carolinemiles4528]

I’ve had over ten significant losses including my husband. My advice is to remember it’s your grief, no one else’s, there’s an expectation that there is closure eventually. I don’t feel or think this is true… you adapt & hopefully integrate all the feelings you experience through grief, as Megan says its ok not to be ok, however there seems to be an expectation from others (who haven’t experienced grief) that you’ll ’get over it’…I still have such sadness some days and other days it’s good and I find little pleasures in my life. They may seem trivial but they are important steps forward. I do my best because I know that’s what they would wish for me…each loss is unique to us.

[@garyowen6785]

I've read your book, "It's OK That You're Not OK", only four times so far and gain something each time. My dear Paula would always remind me that "patience is a virtue" and during the last reading I finally noticed that you discuss patience. What a blessing. Thank you from my shattered heart. Some of my friends know, thanks to you, that "grief gets different, not better" and have even helped others. Shantih shantih shantih

[@refugeingrief]

Thank you ❤

[@pmcdonald8219]

Thank you. Your comment spoke to me, too.

[@refugeingrief]

@@pmcdonald8219 So very glad you find it helpful.

[@MsActor2009]

Sometimes you can regress in your grief process. You think you’ve accepted everything and learned the lesson, then you feel veeery angry again!

[@mygreenenvy]

This is so true for me also !

[@yogawithlisawelter]

Yes!

[@mygreenenvy]

There is an excellent episode of Radiolab at NPR about Kubler-Ross and Megan is absolutely correct on what she was all about ! So happy you talked about this. I only wish that people ( especially people I know ) that have not experienced deep grief could see and hear this. It’s only been three months since my wife passed forward from this existence and I’ve jumped back and forth several times of these “ stages of grief “. Thank you Megan- you and Nora have become my grief gurus and I am forever grateful ❤

[@refugeingrief]

love Radiolab!

[@meeluanistyn1644]

I love the message in this video and your excellent book, "It's ok that you're not ok", helped me through a painful and difficult 2023. Like you, it irks me when I see the stages of grief trotted out as a template we can all use to navigate our way to happiness - I've even seen a recent article that says there are 7 stages. What your book helped me to understand was that my grief was normal and that it couldn't be fixed. Since 2023 I've learned to accept and live with ongoing grief and build a new life around it. It's always there but it no longer dominates my waking thoughts each and every day. Thank you for everything you do help those of us who live with grief.

[@refugeingrief]

So glad you find it helpful. ❤

[@jeanmarieguitard202]

Thank you for addressing this as I was feeling so badly I hadn't helped my dying son through the stages of grief, which I was aware of. He never seemed to be in a definite stage as he sometimes expressed anger, then humour, in quick succession. He had brain tumours on top of his mental illness, so maybe he just truly was not going through specific stages. You've helped eased my guilt a bit. Bless you.

[@Txgreyhound]

I admire your work so much. You have been a valued guide along my own path of being human. And yet, we have never met. What a time to be alive...

[@DavidxNardo]

I just lost my grandmother yesterday and my mother is taking it very hard, you are amazing in your ways on explaining your message, and for myself, for her and others I will take this with me, thank you.

[@DavidxNardo]

Ordered your book as well

[@KittyFoxArtWorld]

Thank you SO much for clarifying this. I wish more grief therapists knew about the origin of "the 5 stages of grief". It is so casually bantered around and I feel like it is often used to be dismissive of someones grief. Also thanks for your reassuring words about denial which has come to feel like a dirty word for those of us who have done a lot of "therapy".

[@refugeingrief]

You're so very welcome.

[@7110paula]

How about exhaustion? I am so sick and TIRED of crying and being sad every single morning.

[@refugeingrief]

Grief is incredibly exhausting.

[@SunWM99]

Yes it is

[@mkf628]

yep.

[@drtaverner]

It's a whole workout. 😢 In my experience, letting it out is so much better than keeping it in. It sucks, but it is part of a process.

[@MyAgnesC]

❤😢

[@Nan-59]

I was in high school in the 70s. I graduated in January of 1977, walked in June. In my English class, we studied the Elizabeth Kugler Ross book, On Death and Dying. We even went to several different cemeteries, a crematorium, etc.. We visited a funeral home where we saw the equipment for embalming ! All of it! It was so fascinating.. My mom was a driver of several of us kids.❤ Those were the days I’ll say. I just looked up the book. It’s out in it’s 50th anniversary edition !❤

[@christiesachde3156]

Reading your book right now...should be required reading for every human being.

[@anoukgoosen2109]

I agree it should be on school curriculum as a basic skill

[@craftygirl17]

And every doctor, psychiatrist, councillor, any professional in mental health and physical health should read Megan’s book and listen to her videos.

[@drtaverner]

It changed my entire view of Post Traumatic Stress and PTSD.

[@anoukgoosen2109]

Thank you 🙏 🕊️🌟✨ For bringing trulu helpfull words and language that teach, empower, and includes a more complete & true description of the experience

[@sherbsville]

wow i never knew the stages were about a terminal diagnosis to oneself. thankyou. because i feel like im not grieving dad properly, as its different to mum. he was killed in march, and i cant face it. so im "stuck in denial" and its a bad thing. im not doing it the way the stoopid stages tell me im meant to. sending love to you and everyone else going thru, or has gone thru this shitshow of grief. its stoopid and smells of old tomcat wee.

[@yogawithlisawelter]

100% relate.

[@moniclare4214]

Touching clothes or other items gives so much physical and mental searing pain that last s for hours or even days... its really frightening let alone debilitating... is this something others are experiencing?

[@jeanmarieguitard202]

Yes!! You are not alone! Searing pain describes it perfectly. My deepest sympathy for your loss!

[@moniclare4214]

@jeanmarieguitard202 thank you for your reply xxx how are you ?

[@craftygirl17]

Megan your truely are a gem, and I relate to everything you said and agree 100%❤

[@aquaman199]

Thank you for your videos

[@mkf628]

The '5 stages' is an insult to what grief actually is.

[@barrypaton9726]

Excellent. Thank you.

[@loumusic127]

Thank you !!!!!!

[@MartinRoddis]

amazing

[@MartinRoddis]

So, I am not just being a colossal fanboy (which I am); I absorb your work, and I find myself channelling my inner Megan Divine when I am talking about death, death, and dying, which I do every day as a grief trainer. Only yesterday, I had a 60-minute sprint presentation to impart as much information about supporting grief in the community, what to say, what not to say, basic but important messaging. In the end, the inevitable questions come up, what to say, what not to say, etc. My inevitable answers in the few precious minutes I have left are to look up Megan Devine, go to her website, absorb her message, and you cannot go wrong. Simples

[@DeniseDimin]

Amazing. That’s all.

[@monicarose2135]

Awareness of your own eminent death is very different than losing a love one, veery out of context

[@Diane-i4z]

My mother died 4 years ago and I have no one else......I can't sleep normally and the dumb doctor put me on klonopin which still doesn't help....I get panic attacks and have trouble getting out of the house......wish I had a husband or mate to hug me.......I am 81......

[@judyroberts4608]

I don’t agree with this . The stages are there to help people understand the feelings are normal . No one is saying it’s this formal . It is helpful . It’s not a narrow set of rules. So much of what you said in this video are wrong or simply narrow minded .