5 Ways GRIEF Can Actually HELP You Rediscover Yourself

In this episode, I dive into the profound impact that loss has on personal identity. When someone we love dies, it can unravel who we think we are-especially if that relationship played a major role in defining us. I talk about the complexities of identity, exploring how roles like being a parent, sibling, or friend are deeply tied to our connections with others. And when those connections change, we often end up asking ourselves, "Who am I now?"
We also tackle the expectations that society places on us-the pressure to return to who we were before our loss. But sometimes, the person we were before is just... gone. And that's okay. It's okay to let grief change you. It's okay to not be the same. This episode is about giving ourselves the space to navigate identity after loss, without judgment or rushed timelines. Let's explore this journey together.
If you’re grieving, we recommend joining Megan’s monthly grief support group call where you can get answers to your questions about grief and learn what to say to people who just. don't. get. it.
Go to / megandevine and sign up at the $10 level to get immediate access to our upcoming calls and all of our previous Q&A recordings.
#grief #mentalhealth #grieving

[@ginnyQ]

A year ago I lost my husband. Two years before, we’d lost our 35-year-old son. Not knowing how to just “be” without them has been the worst thing for me. I have no idea who I am now and it’s so frightening. Your book got me through the loss of my son. Your words now are the hope I grab and hold tight to. ❤

[@refugeingrief]

What an impossibility you're carrying. So glad you found us.

[@Sabaahmadi-v1l]

@@refugeingrief❤

[@Sabaahmadi-v1l]

💔im going through this feelings I feel lost lonely frightening of this road. I wish I could hug you. No one understands me.

[@ginnyQ]

@@Sabaahmadi-v1l I understand 💔

[@BilliesCraftRoom]

Just had the tenth anniversary of my loved ones death. My soul's still screaming for them. Anniversaries are so tough. When I try to talk about t to. ppl, the responses I received make me stop talking to them about it. ''Can't believe it's been 10 years, hope you are doing ok now things are less raw.'' Am I still at ground zero no, but at the same time its NOT ok now. I am just starting to explore some things that I used to do, this video really resonated with. me, thank you. The BS radar is defo more finely tuned now. It took a long time to 'own' my grief, to learn to stop reaching out for support, as that wasn't working. Eventually learning to own it, gave me the power in my head to stop trying to be or do what others were expecting of me. In my head I now silently say, 'Your expectations of me are yours not mine. I did not choose them, I do not share them. Your expectations of me are NOT my to do list.' Your book is so wonderful, I am sorry for your loss (don't feel it's ever too late to say that to someone). The other half of the sentence you often reference is so so true. One thing I most wanted to scream at ppl was, don't grab for things to say, just stop after the hello. Because I don't have the capacity to process or fend off the inevitable inappropriate responses, and it's too painful to try to find words. #expecations are heavy aren't they. Thank you for all you share, your videos help so much.

[@BrittaniTalton]

It’s been almost 14 years and I still feel so empty. Losing my mom at the ripe age of 16- trying to discover who I am, where life was going to take me, hormonal changes. Breaks my heart knowing in 2 years she’ll be gone literally half my life and I can’t comprehend it. I act day to day that life is grand and find myself gasping for air in the darkness of the night. Thank you for this message, a change in mindset could definitely help rewire my thought process. Thankful my therapist sent me this link after a very frantic late night message to her.

[@PHONIBRAXTON]

I don’t have a clue who I am anymore . I’m like a bird without a song. I’m just nothing now .

[@rnsanders7834]

What beautiful and honest council in a heart felt manner. These words were confirmation to me that yes, it is in fact grief I'm experiencing after my loss! I've been saying, what's wrong with me? Snap out of it...but i just couldn't and my not understanding what was happening only added to the confusion. Identifying the signs will help me a great deal!!! Thank you for sharing!!

[@DeniseDimin]

I lost my wife 14+ months ago after a near perfect 41 year marriage of which the last year was her in treatment or hospice. Shortly after losing her, i started a list of adjectives to describe myself. Kind of like an honest dating app description but only for me. I really needed to remember who I was and what, good or bad, mattered to me. I’d forgotten doing this until watching your amazing video. And everything you said is spot on. In spite of having a huge social network, I’ve found myself drifting to those who didn’t know me with my wife, and especially widows. I think I’ll have to watch the video a few more times. I wish I’d discovered you and your channel 14 months ago. Thank you!

[@craftygirl17]

Your words and how you say all this is so dead on, I still am struggling after my mom died and it’s been eight years and still struggling who I am now with diabetes, and know one gets it, and I really don’t care. Give yourself grace really resonates with me, and I do it’s others that don’t. Like the part about hobbies omg that’s me I like to do some crafty things and haven’t done hardly anything since mom died it brings up the pain we use to go to all the craft fairs in our area and it just freezes me when I look in my craftroom. Everything I hear on your videos is me.

[@JohnLyddy]

Thank you Megan. You truly are a life saver ! I lost my beautiful wife in February and I really don’t know who I am now. Your videos really show understanding and empathy without judgement.

[@Jenishabadoo]

I came home after a long day of teaching to find my husband overdosed almost 3 years ago. I thought he was sober but I guess the stress of Covid pushed him back into active addiction, only he hid it very very well. The utter shock and trauma of finding him and trying to wrap my mind around all that was so unfathomable, yet my family seemed to actively blame me for it, I guess assuming I must have known. My sons dad and my own mom even took me to court two months after the death, treating me like some sort of invalid and attempting to take my son from me as I pushed back against them as I tried to figure out who I was in my new reality and work, figure out life as a 40 year old widow, and develop new routines on my own. It was a terrible time in my life. That first year I listened to your book on audio all the time. I fell asleep to it. It was honestly the only thing that made sense at that time. Everything else was so utterly insane. Things are much better now. I stood firm in a sea of madness and came out the other side. But I do thank you for writing such a helpful tool that’s helped so many. ❤

[@jhasselberger]

My niece is a therapist. The very first piece of help that felt right came in the form of your grief journal and It’s ok to not be ok. From my niece. Everything else felt like platitudes. And after everyone disappeared, I was left for hours in my recliner with that journal writing. Coloring. Crying. Reading. And I felt like someone was “getting me”. Daniel has only been 278 days. But he was my son and he was with me all day every day. Especially when he was no longer in special education. People keep telling me that I should go be a caregiver for another disabled child or work as a Para professional or a nurse. I do not feel any kind of a pull to that. More of an aversion. I don’t know what I want to do. I was in a completely different career before he was born. I adapted. Now I am painfully adapting again. But I don’t need to be cheered up. So I feel very invisible and out of sync with everyone.

[@Mockduck2020]

Thank you for articulating where I am, and maybe who I am since I seem to have lost that confidence.

[@michaeld.williamsiii9026]

😢💔😪 Losing the only mother I’ve ever had or truly known, as an adoptee/former foster child/teen originally being born unwanted. Into a biological family that could truly care less of my existence let alone non existence.💔 Ontop of other losses including a biological father who did try before he tragically passed also. Feeling alone here left behind, parentless, orphaned, discarded.😰😭😰 As death/passing anniversaries are also coming up. The weight of this grief feels unbearable, isolating even, I am simply ready to check out.💔🌏💔 I don’t see a point anymore the card I was dealt in this life was awful enough again. Losing the only mother I’ve ever known who truly cared for me and really loved me.😢😔😥 No one will ever truly love, or care for me how she did, I was the apple in her eyes. As she was mine, many could never understand. I just want to go, I’m not needed here, life will carry on like it always cruelly does. Again with the upcoming death anniversaries it’s all too much.😢💔😥 #GriefHurts

[@jcpazos65]

Thank you. In the past few days I begin to say about me: In another life I... and see and hear you today was amazing. Gratitude 🌷

[@fanny43]

I feel an orphan, even though I have had my mom for the first 42 years of my life. I feel uprooted. The connection to the past is gone. There is no future.

[@finquero74]

Thank you Megan. 31 months ago my partner died and I am exactly at that moment finding who am I now. That helped thank you ❤

[@refugeingrief]

Glad it feels helpful for you.

[@finquero74]

@@refugeingrief yes! Megan, thank you. And your book "it's Ok that You are not Ok" is one the best things that has crossed my parth since Josué died. So thank you for that too! ❤️

[@pjones7012]

Thank you again. I found something helpful to me in acknowledging that it is not just me just moving forward but me moving forward with her.

[@jhasselberger]

I am dealing with feeling invisible. I think this is resonating with me. My son died on Jan 12 2024. He was 26. He was my middle child. He was very disabled and medically fragile and I spent his entire life adapting life to care for his needs 24/7. While also raising my other 2 kids and being a wife. Daniel was my beloved amazing special Angel. He was non verbal but very visually sharp. We had our own special language. I left my career when he was 5 because his needs were increasing. And here I am 278 days after his death. He actually died from an unexpected illness the VERY first time my husband and I both went to meet our new grandson in CA. He died while I was on a JetBlue flight frantically trying to get home. And now. I simply feel like a ghost. I don’t know who I am. My identity was so interwoven with being his caregiver. Everything feels odd and disconnected. The only thing that I can do from start to finish is paint a watercolor landscape And meditate. Everything else feels off.

[@eanubis89]

Megan, I’m so grateful that I came across your book which lead me to your IG and everything I’ve been looking for. 5 months ago my mom passed away in her sleep in hospice care at home. She was dealing with so much medical issues it was so hard she knew that this was her time. Yet I’m still processing that part too. She fought so hard the first she got through but last year was the toughest of her life. It has been so hard to do the routine I was in before she passed away. The last thing you said in the video was probably the one thing I needed to hear. It’s so hard to live without my mom. I’m still trying to find my identity day by day. It can’t be fixed in a heartbeat. Thank you for your help!

[@Shoppingbaggirl]

Hi Megan, You always seem to be meeting me where I am & I greatly appreciate that. Thank you so very much for this message today.

[@sandrao8002]

The first time I had to check the ‘widow’ box instead of ‘wife’ almost broke me

[@jennifershort3104]

I often don't care about what I "get to be". Bottom line is I don't get more time with my parents. Not a whole lot matters beyond that. I don't do things that I still like doing as well as I have in the past. I just don't have the focus or the energy for them. It's exhausting to think about what I want for the future when, sometimes, I don't know what I want today. I am staying in the inquiry and I know I am not the same person I was over 3 years ago when my dad died or almost 2 years ago when my mom died. Change is inevitable and I just need to pay attention so I have some choices going forward in my life.

[@angelarex9497]

I like what you wrote regarding thinking about the future when today is so much. I am dealing with that a lot, especially as I should be considering finding a new job due to funding uncertainties, but I can't quite handle the day-to-day let alone look forward without being utterly overwhelmed by it.

[@jennifershort3104]

​@@angelarex9497exactly.

[@angaramacrafts8564]

So grateful for this message. Thank you❤.

[@tris3s10]

your videos are helping me to continue life. I lost my brother 4 years ago, been in charge with all the family affairs so I had to put my self identity aside so I can take care of everyone else. here I am restructuring my self now. thank you Megan!

[@refugeingrief]

You're so very welcome. ❤

[@janingham1823]

This is the best video, for me, at this stage. The first heavenly anniversary is coming up in two weeks. It hardly seems possible. It, also, is a reflective time of who am I?

[@craftygirl17]

You make me feel normal of what I’m feeling.

[@wadesmith4790]

Spot-On!

[@eanubis89]

Agree

[@mkf628]

great channel, this.

[@theman2017inc]

Thanks for this poignant video From what you posted, if I’ve discerned it and/ or interpreted it correctly with the changes that come from loss/ grief our tolerance level for BS becomes less which could even include stop people pleasing which could lead to more conflicts and confrontations and ultimately end of friendships/ relationships That’s both scary and liberating Thanks again for this vid

[@susanpinochet]

Clarity. Thanks.

[@judymendez6227]

❤

[@Mimi-Mimi668]

I'm no longer a grandchild

[@angelaramirez7979]

❤‍🩹👍

[@DeniseDimin]

I lost my wife 14+ months ago after a near perfect 41 year marriage of which the last year was her in treatment or hospice. Shortly after losing her, i started a list of adjectives to describe myself. Kind of like an honest dating app description but only for me. I really needed to remember who I was and what, good or bad, mattered to me. I’d forgotten doing this until watching your amazing video. And everything you said is spot on. In spite of having a huge social network, I’ve found myself drifting to those who didn’t know me with my wife, and especially widows. I think I’ll have to watch the video a few more times. I wish I’d discovered you and your channel 14 months ago. Thank you!

[@refugeingrief]

Very glad you found us!