Relational aggression why women hurt each other | Kris Stewart | TEDxPenticton

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. Women are a key part of our modern workforce. They lead men in the formation of small business and more women than men graduate universities. However, success in upper management and the "C" suite still eludes them. Successful executives such as Cheryl Sandberg tell women to "Lean In", but research done by Susan Murphy and Rita Heim suggest that ""Women consistently fail to support other women in the workplace and often actively set out to undermine their authority and credibility."
Kris Srewart will examine causality and shed some light on ways to overcome this behaviour which has huge implications for our national productivity.
Kris Stewart is an accompliished speaker and delivers a powerful message to women in business.
About TEDx, x = independently organized event In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

[@Krissy_K888]

in my experience, no amount of 'kill them with kindness' can override an infinite level of insecurities

[@shamonshontay944]

Not at all.

[@shamonshontay944]

Not at all.

[@shamonshontay944]

Not at all.

[@miriam2368]

Someone has finally said it

[@cdorothy444]

They are covert narcissist, snakes 😂 you can’t change them it’s their nature

[@meadowmorph3291]

Perhaps as we are trying to fix boys at an early age to respect girls, we need to start fixing girls at an early age to respect girls.

[@marshamcdonald1475]

So very true. America Needs to teach respect Maybe there will be less Mayhem and murder on Our public streets too.

[@AnimalsMatterMorally]

EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY !

[@atticus319]

Girls aren't taught to respect anyone, neither girls or boys. We're always putting pressure on men and boys to do the right thing, while hearing complaints about how there's supposedly so much pressure on women and girls. Yet, the messages to women and girls are generally of "empowerment", as in, do whatever makes you happy. There is little out there telling them to respect others, or even to think much of self responsibility or their own future.

[@fabazabe]

Meadow Morph that’s it

[@alexanderschmoldt2982]

@@atticus319 wow its kinda true. i am in rather left social group and healthcare, and young woman dont care if there is any need to there studies, if they get ajob with it, the travel about 2-3 as much as the male students i know do. the male think about from the first day not will these subject make me happy but will i have chance on a job do provide food for me and maybe somone else. i mean dont just take a job for food that makes you terrebly unhappy. but maybe we should start teach girls that. cause more and more woman are at college 70 percent girls. but more and more dont know what to do with it. last its true men now get taught dont be selfish respect everyone else, will young woman are taught you can have it all, if not the system is sexist, and yourself is very important.

[@LaFemme560]

If these are the tactics it takes to work with women, I’m out. This is nuts. You shouldn’t have to pet your coworkers. You go to work to do your job. Period.

[@TT-rz5td]

Amen.

[@AnimalsMatterMorally]

agreed !!

[@lisac747]

Absolutely agree on this one why should I have a different code for women than for men

[@alexanderschmoldt2982]

amen

[@davise26]

I agree..... unfortunately when u work with women with fragile ego's h may have to treat them like that.

[@crystalparker100]

This doesn't work with bullies. They have low self-esteem and they aren't happy until they have destroyed anyone they deem "better" than they are.

[@PeopleHealthTru]

The fear in narcissist bullies is truth being exposed. Narcissists feed on weak. Her words might help with self-centered/narcissists. 10:07 Her solution - includes using soft words to women 'excuse me, you know, right'.

[@PeopleHealthTru]

Common sense and decades of government statistics prove that solo moms greatly increase mental illness in children. #1 Solution - children need to be raised with their bio father. Fathers teach independence and survival. Solo moms are modeling government dependence and tyrant emotional impulses/ relational aggression. Solo mom homes are narcissistic one-sided environments.

[@PeopleHealthTru]

Female aggression 0:43 'known saying in medical arena - Nurses eat their young.'

[@quietnite4462]

Hmm really ...cause I work with someone I think a bully tries to belittle me then smile in my face like she like me or that I like her ..

[@angelinatorrens854]

My assistant manager in a nutshell

[@Nepthu]

As a man who predominantly works with women, I see how hateful they are to each other. Very often they will socialize outside of work and then gossip about each other's husbands, homes, weight, finances etc. I don't understand why they pretend to like each other only to stab each other in the back.

[@moisesbeyond]

Women know so well between them that they hate each other.---Al bundy

[@lisaferreira4848]

I prefer the company of men. Straightforward

[@jewulo]

@@lisaferreira4848 Preferably dogs.

[@dominiknewfolder2196]

@@lisaferreira4848 I prefer avoiding women who prefer company of men in workplace. Men are more straightforward when there is no women around. One woman is enough to destroy honesty and cause competition. No soup for you!!!

[@lisaferreira4848]

@@dominiknewfolder2196 Whatever

[@gracieallan11]

Give me a male boss over a female boss any day!! I've had many of each. Most of my men bosses were calm, business like, conflict- solving and approachable. There were exceptions but that was the rule. It was the opposite with the women. Most of my female bosses were insecure, unpredictable, conflict-provoking, and unapproachable. I had only one woman boss who was great to work for. I don't know if that's unusual, but that was my experience.

[@marciamcgrail5889]

Totally agree. For 5 years I had one woman manager in a 40 year nursing career that was nurturing of my career and ambitions in a calm, business-like, conflict-solving, approachable way. I felt bereaved when she retired. The rest ditto your experience.

[@KH_Always]

I have a female boss right now. She’s great. Up until now...I feared having female bosses. In the past, when I had male bosses...when/if they got mad at me, I knew to avoid them for the day...then we were good the next day. In the past, when I had female bosses...when/if they got mad at me, I knew to start looking at the classifieds.

[@claudiamanta1943]

Men can be insecure and bullies, too. Men can be liars, cowards, and incompetents, too. I had both.

[@AmandaLee-xi1ty]

I don't agree that I need to bring my self esteem down to someone else's level. If other women are insecure and feel horrible about themselves, why should I mirror that? To protect myself from them? It is not a healthy mindset. If my confidence scares them, that's a problem with them not me. Confident women build each other up. Insecure, self loathing women lash out and tear down. I can feel confident about myself while being kind and loving and know that if they lash out at me, it is just their insecurities. Insecurity is the killer among women. That is why they feel the need to level the playing field. I will not mirror insecurity to protect myself.

[@angelajennings1633]

Yes, honey. Preach!

[@riseup6112]

Exactly. Most women have issues. Egotistical insecurity

[@sherryab3964]

Agree!!!!

[@debbiemoore2747]

Bravo 👏👏

[@kalenna6785]

True, we don't get to make friends with losers. We have to fight them

[@catielove5096]

I can sooo relate. Women on women aggression began in my family of origin with a mentally ill Mum. This power imbalance (mothers who eat their young) has adversely affected all areas of my life. Passive competition by gossip and gaslight.

[@brilliantduchy2201]

Pull yourself up & think deep and hard next time you think of slumming it in work, friendships, family & relationships. SLUMMING will surround you with people who want what you have. Resent you for having it. People who have what YOU want are too busy leading their lives to resent you for being YOU. STOP SLUMMIN' IT

[@narmeenulfdfd3993]

I don’t think any mother would hate their daughters or compete with them maybe they do prefer son more but they love them all the same love is buried into the mother heart for her kids

[@marciamcgrail5889]

@@narmeenulfdfd3993 there are some women who have children just because they can but that doesn't make them mothers. Mine was toxic. She hated her children professionally.

[@juliemcdaniel499]

@@marciamcgrail5889 What makes a mother HATE her own children?

[@IbarraAlejandro]

​@@narmeenulfdfd3993A Son is a blessing. Girl is curse simple as that.

[@kathybolhous6246]

I don’t agree that I have to dim my light so others don’t feel slightly. Shine your light bright so others can feel the freedom to do the same. Let’s all be the best versions of ourselves. Women don’t need to downplay their strengths to make other women feel better. This is not how we support each other. Shine your light sisters!! We are in this together - support and encourage each other to be the best we can be!!

[@Sariyamari]

Thanks for this comment!

[@maheshsatam3769]

sounds good but in fantasy worlds

[@patriciat.8121]

I completely agree. But reality is very different.

[@MissUnderstoodasAlways]

Agreed 🙌🏽

[@BashaerB-h2c]

I did that and I lost all my friendships. Reality gives you a nice punch in the face.. I've got used to being alone now.

[@saralin2820]

If you look different from the rest they tend to judge u pretty harshly.

[@shanikamullins6431]

True

[@heleng7832]

Like Kris did with her poor employee?

[@2lemonades]

Yeah

[@paulclinton6414]

You just summed up American culture.

[@justicemartinez2625]

@@paulclinton6414 that's everywhere

[@cche4658]

You can be a good example but you CAN'T change people. You have to have boundaries in life. In a toxic environment you have to learn how to nurture yourself. You can help people and love yourself at the same time. If things get out of hand and it drains you then look for ways to move on.

[@vesperious7144]

Raise your hand if you personally feel victimized by Regina George.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

The ''good'' thing in that situation is that RG was vile to everybody! In real life, the reginas will target the odd woman here and there so that they are generally perceived to be ABSOLUTELY LOVELY!

[@kahlodiego5299]

@@SusanaXpeace2u You got that right.

[@IshtarHoudini]

Raising both. 🤚 🤚

[@rosieHolliday5887]

Some of the worst bullying I've ever experienced in my life was in the workplace from female colleagues. In fact it was so bad, it's part of my cptsd issues & I've struggled to go back to work because of those experiences

[@beaulieuc8910]

same

[@r0ll3dd]

As a man it’s horrible to see women doing this to one another. In the past I’ve been in workplaces that have been highly female dominated and have also witnessed women bullying other women. I hate it.

[@chk6111]

Women can be supremely horrible to other women and how do I know this? I'm a woman. it's bad out there. I'm sorry, please take care of yourself, because some women will try to beat you down so they can feel like they won or they are on top somehow. It's sick but it's very common.

[@loveinautumn3978]

​@@r0ll3ddyeah It's terrible

[@apriljames3423]

As someone who was bullied by a female co worker at a past job and did the "solutions" she recommended as it comes pretty naturally to people pleasers it did not help at all. I was overly friendly and nice to this woman and she was cold, mean, and insulting to me from the first day I got hired. I spoke with our supervisor about her lying about me, pushing me and being rude and he said "I'm too busy to deal with all that. Just be nice to her." I quit after a month. Typically if that behavior is being tolerated in the workplace then the place as a whole or at least the managers are bad as well.

[@lovesharose2960]

Right!!!! Exactly!!!!

[@mam162]

There's been a lot of discussion in society about toxic masculinity, and that's an important subject that needs to be talked about. But this video underscores that toxic femininity is very much a thing as well, and it also needs to be addressed.

[@tatianamendoncastudio]

I had this problem in all my jobs. Even working in a management level... what also often happens is when the play the boss. Another strategy, when you complain about respectless behavior, is to spread rumors about your mental health, saying you are sensitive, to demoralize and discredit the victim voice. I remember being tired of this and deciding to be a freelancer. What happens in my main profession is that it takes an amount of effort also working just for certain period of time to know new people, gain trust and etc. I am about to quit the job that could be my dream job, where I planned to stay till retirement. The reason? Explained by the video above!

[@polmak1507]

Honestly as a woman I think one of the root causes of why women are so toxic to each other is because they’re so high strung and neurotic. They take every single possible word, action, look, whatever detail and hyper analyze and scrutinize it, and gossip about these things endlessly among themselves. Women with more relaxed and laidback personalities are much, much, much better to be around and not toxic whatsoever. You just have to learn how to differentiate these two kinds of women, and stick to the latter. With the former, you just have to try to stay as simple and polite as possible, and endure it

[@mouwersor]

What do you think causes that neuroticism?

[@sigmasiren7]

I'm definitely the latter type that you described.

[@sandra.saverio]

I went through the same bloody experiences all along my life. But betrayed by women who were supposed to be friends. Nice talk and nice woman but it is impossible to deal with women that are jelous and want everybody in the same level. Your mother was right, jelousy is the problem and there is no way to deal with this sort of women. Just quit them, get away.

[@gumoak]

good golly miss molly. even the solution to this problem is unethical and disturbing. so you want to solve relational aggression by being more relationally-aggressive? weird. super weird.

[@Fernstead]

I'm glad somebody else caught this. The games will never stop if women twist themselves into passive-aggressive pretzels instead of communicating honestly and in good faith. I bet this woman was/is awful to work with.

[@GhettoSweetP]

Justin Hahn Agreed. Not gonna play this game.

[@rebekatalebi8046]

the best tactic is to look for another job but the problem is also that people aren't voting for better working conditions and better pay.

[@amitbisht1369]

Women being women

[@TwoGrainsOfGold]

What she says is SO spot on! Especially her advice at the very end. I was rather blindsided by a very toxic female supervisor at a University in a mostly female department. Prior to that role, I had been working in the corporate sector with mostly men as a Finance & Business Operations professional. I’m SO horrified and traumatized by the absolute sociopath (a passive aggressive, manipulative, conniving back-stabbing gossip) who I reported to, that I will always PAUSE before considering working for a female & in a mostly female environment EVER again!

[@qsrasra]

I totally agree! I also have experienced working in a couple of jobs with a woman as my supervisor/management that have no leadership capabilities and just manipulate, lie and tell you what to do. Not to mention her favorite pets that do nothing but gossip and tattling.

[@harlequinhead2008]

Without a doubt!!!

[@2Sugarbears]

Have had a similar experience. Women bully other women.

[@gail9566]

"She was morbidly obese but we hired her." This talk is a woman throwing other women under the bus.

The bus was a write off.

[@laurathiemann8519]

This statement surprised me. I’m not sure why it was included as it didn’t seem to come back into play with the situation or final outcome.

[@Arrian1111]

This speaker seems to be the one with the problem to me. She seems to have a sort of superiority complex and comes off as a little grandiose. Perhaps colleagues intuit this.

[@andrewventresca9907]

When was the last time you saw a morbidly obese woman in Healthcare?

[@nicholettenae4609]

I was taken back as well by that statement, what does the weight have to do with the story?

[@hayleycrawford2784]

Such a good speech. I've been hurt and backstabbed by so many other women for one reason or another all my life, and it's hard to trust nowadays. Very sad.

[@ThePimmy11]

I find this happens most often with older women. If they have to answer to a man, they're comfortable. If they have to answer to a woman, they take anything she says as rude and pushy. If the woman they answer to tries to soften her approach, it's like blood in the water full of sharks; it makes them react worse. But younger women, especially women who played team sports growing up, they don't as often have that weird desperate need to be the only woman in the room to feel good about themselves. They also don't do that awful incompetency signal where they have a problem that need solving and when another woman steps up to help, they help they are asked for is to go find some man for the person with the problem. I deal with this often when we hire an older woman at work for our outbound clients. The phone rings interrupting my tasks and the older woman will ask me to find my male coworker to help them. I've been in my field 18 years while he's been at it for less than 5 years. Interrupting me to help with a problem is fine so long as you don't interrupt me to go fetch someone with less experience.

[@minyme]

It has nothing to do with age

[@darkscarflame4822]

Women: Wants equal pay Also Women: I'm going to end this women's career!

[@meadowmorph3291]

I've often had problems with women in the work place. I too was raised as the "second son" to my brother. Nurturing was neither my father's forte nor my mother's. Where I really fell down in working with women was that I refused to gossip. If someone told me a secret, it was a secret. Gossiping in a group of women somehow gives them the idea that they now own your soul. I still can't do it. It's mean and vile and making them look better than that one person they are belittling. And so, I could not be one of the "cool" women. What I did to protect myself was to keep notes. Fortunately, I always had male bosses, and because I was raised as male, I knew how to form a relationship. I also NEVER said anything bad about my workmates. To the boss, I praised them, even when he called me in to fire me. I said "I know Sarah is hard on me but that's alright...she's even harder on herself, so I'm hoping to learn something from her. This was all true. All the praises were true. These women were really good at what they did. If one of them were terribly snappish at me, I would plop myself down and say something like "what's up, Sarah? You aren't your chipper self today". I expected to be yelled at or dismissed. Well, Sarah told me her trouble was that she was going for an Mbs, and working full time was really taking it out of her (she was also organizing her wedding at the time). The first time I did this, I was surprised. However, if I had known these things you spoke of, I think I would have had an easier time of it. I still would not gossip, but I could be caring. The only trouble I always had was when the boss was a woman.

[@LaFayette3110]

On a true narcissist, caring absolutely does not work. It's like gasoline on the flame. Sincerely, An unfortunate, long and recent ordeal.

[@MicheleHerrmann]

I don't talk to female co-workers outside of the office anymore. Too much past scars. From catty and snotty women, to having one try to destroy my good name by badmouthing me to everyone (even the place I went to after leaving my OG) to catching a woman and man at my current job make fun of me when I left the room.

[@AnimalsMatterMorally]

feel the same, coworkers are not friends as it usually turns out

[@helenalford2831]

I don't know where this lady grew up but at my school the pretty blond girl always got the best dress in the dressing up box and there was no thought of a level playing field. It was those who demanded that got and the rest of us took what was left! I don't think its the case that we start out caring and unlearn it, only that children are naturally narcissistic and some people just never grow out of it. Also I do think that men can be the worst gossips and bitches in the workplace, it just gets overlooked when they do it!

[@LisaGemini]

I know how Kris feels. I've had two women tank my career. I'm poorer than I should have been now because I got fired twice, too. I would give anything for women to mentor each other and befriend each other, rather than stab everyone in the back.

[@hayleycrawford2784]

Yeah, I just don't trust women anymore. In academia, I've been screwed out of awards simply because of another woman feeling intimidated by me. I once lost an award for Co-aauthoring a project with a male student and this other female student who turned out to be a backstabbing viper, and guess what? She got the credit and said I didn't' contribute (I did) and the guy pushed for me to be named as a "contributor". He said at least I would get a little bit of recognition. Had he not been in our group, the woman would have shut me out of any recognition. Guaranteed.

[@chilliecheesecake]

I wish more women would talk about things like THIS affect their careers instead of the supposed wage gap.

[@OhlalaMonAmour]

I am 30 and have managed women at least 10-15 years older than me for the past 6 years. I have a very tough time to get them to get along and not be petty/mean to each other. It’s quite ridiculous. I don’t understand it as my personality is the absolute opposite of mine. Very interesting TedTalk, thank you!

[@audaciouspiglet]

I do not agree with the solutions. I am happy to read so many comments by others, that people watching this don't want to put on an act to be on the same level, or manipulate. I am sometimes shy and very sensitive, but I would always prefer to be told things directly than coated in manipulative fluff and bs. I would way rather be told something even a bit angrily and directly. Preferrably not angrily but I'd rather have the anger with honesty than the manipulation and not really saying what they really mean. That hurts a million times more.

[@melissamejias2441]

I tried to mirror the confidence level and offer favors to women at my previous workplace. The bullying only became worst afterwards and I was called "fake" completely ostracized to the point no female who worked there would look me in the eye. The problem is with the ones in charge. If they turn a blind eye or worse participate in the bullying behavior, it wont stop.

[@poornimaramesh5709]

I hope the speaker is a lot happier and healthy! I could really feel the pain when she said she struggled for a year after losing her position in the company she co-founded. Somehow the pain and hurt is very serious when a woman hurts another woman. It comes no where close to the pain a man inflicts.

[@ade-oluwaspov206]

That's true. Yet, what some people mostly female commenters, on this thread have to say is, "Why say the employee was morbidly obese?".

[@gaple1995]

It’s exhausting working with women and sometimes being friends with them. This is one of the reasons I’m going into STEM - male dominated and tends to draw less of these types. With friendships, I look for women that don’t take themselves too seriously. I’ve encountered too much bad behavior from women, mostly in the form of tear downs to mask their insecurities and to attempt at making themselves look better. It’s not your or my job to put band aids on people’s egos while they happily throw rocks at you.

[@deborahalissa]

STEM is legendary for men discriminating against women.

[@minyme]

It can be passive aggression within us. It can be wrong picture of ourself. It can be low confidence. It can be a something complicated within us. We can’t always blame others. Sometimes we need to know yourself better and find out what kind of energy we radiate around those people.

[@alissamurphy4301]

I enjoyed the presentation, but can’t understand why she had to add in her first story about her employee “she was morbidly obese but we overlooked that.”

[@xraceboyex]

Being morbidly obese reflects your character. It's indicative of being lazy and entitled. Cases of chronic obesity that can't be fixed with simple diet and exercise are rare at worst. It relates directly to hiring, especially if there is any amount of physical labor involved in the job. Obese people are less productive on average than healthy people. Why should you be trusted to work for someone else if you can't work for your own self improvement?

[@nodramamomma2777]

"she was morbidly obese" passive aggressive much?

[@fabiofioretto9374]

Obese much?

[@gentlemantramp7528]

She’s a health care worker. I think she is referring to the kind of obesity that presents serious health risks, as opposed to merely a rotund, or Rubenesque, body outline.

[@Monica-lf5qh]

LOL! I thought this too! Someone is still resentful about being fired. For those clarifying, we know what morbidly obese means. The point here is that the comment was not necessary to the talk. There was no relevance to it outside of showing that she's still spiteful.

[@chikaka2012]

How can you get fired without cause from a company you founded?

[@xraceboyex]

Because she didn't "found" the company lol. Giving herself a bit too much credit there - clearly the man was the one who actually took the responsibilities, she just came along and then took the credit

[@christophercoles175]

This woman seems so shady!

[@CessLa2oya]

Yeah that'd exactly what I thought im like if he's your partner aren't y'all equal? How did he just up and fire you🙄😂

[@omzy8700]

She clearly lying no way she found the company and then she got fired by his “partner “over an employee that was complaining lol,if he was your partner then it means u supposed to be equal ,instead it seem that then”partner “ is in reality the boss .

[@DanZhukovin]

That woman got fired, not because she hired a woman and they're aggressive in a certain way, but much more strongly because she hired an alimentive. Even male alimentives use relational aggression. People should have seen the red flags of an alimentive when she was shirking work!

[@grandiosepteltd2321]

Dan Zhukovin true also

[@jasminespeedwellflowers2268]

alimentive?

[@beans9019]

Thank you for notice this, both genders do this!! I’m tired of people saying women are the only one who do this. People, no matter what gender, will compete with each other.

[@rose4490]

Thank for mentioning this stuff about biological personality types, because I was unfamiliar with it, and it was really interesting.

[@lorenabonazi2536]

Women sabotage each other for exactly the same reason men do: envy and all the character traits that go with it.

[@lorenabonazi2536]

@MrNorthernSol That´s true, when men sabotage each other they are usually deadly.

[@lorenabonazi2536]

@Korean Emperor Really? History is full of traitors. I don´t think you know any woman at all, let alone all of them.

[@lorenabonazi2536]

@@alangeorge5592 Sorry Alan but you don't sound like one of the clever ones.

[@lorenabonazi2536]

@ᴠʜ0ᴘɪɴɢˊˎ- Sure, history proves it.

[@johndoh1000]

I don’t know if I can trust this Ted talk completely when she only has stories of her failures ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[@PeachesBunnyLove]

I agree with everything you just said. I have been in the same situation. I am also in a heavily female work force in child care and it is sometimes an impossible struggle. I love this list

[@rainbow9987]

The problem is not women , is people insecurities and men are the same way believe or not. They just don't talk about it as much.

[@RalphBrookes-m9r]

No, men don't sabotage each other for no reason anywhere near as much as women do. Men generally support each other and when they do have conflict it is direct and therefore easier to deal with.

[@DennisNeijmeijer]

That's why I'm happy in a malse dominant profession.

[@rue9639]

Problem with appealing to those of the same confidence level: when you encounter someone with a massive ego when you’re relating to the mass of others with low self confidence (as in revealing your flaws etc) the person with the ego sees themselves as even better and now has something to attack.

[@rose4490]

My ideal job would be to work for a Golden Retriever!

[@millaarmstrong1427]

We're just animals. Survival of the fittest.

[@ginavallone1192]

But were not just animals were humans and we would get nowhere if not for working together sharing information teaching each other and combining resources, acting in a community. none of us are an island.thats why most animals just survive and humans prosper and build and get better with every generation

[@8BitDarkNESsR3v14]

yes, animals. crabs to be exact. what do you think happens when a crab wants to get out of a bucket? other crabs drag it.

[@simpinainteasy680]

Im a male Nursing Supervisor and i have female employees scream at me at least once a week. If i ever did the same thing id be walked out of the building. But when a female does such a thing its just understood as well im not sure what, but the meltdowns and screaming go on week in and week out. I do like how right away the speaker blamed her male boss. That was heroic and explains more why the speaker isn't a C suite leader.

[@TravelBits222]

Unfortunately, I so can relate to these kinds of situations. I was pushed out of a number of jobs due to women’s malicious gossip, backstabbing and heavy bullying. There is nothing you can do to fix their insecurities and cattiness. Very sad reality, indeed. 😢

[@lasirenedumississipi8458]

I just avoid working with other women, i´m too terrorized by all the hate and bad experience. Coronavirus somewhat saved me, i prefer working alone in home office.

[@How.Dare.You.]

I did that and it doesn't work

[@TT-rz5td]

A new female coworker joined my team a couple of years ago. We became friends. She and I share tips, coach each other, practice presentations in front of one another. We want the other person to be a success. In this I was very fortunate. Unfortunately, I have experienced all the things from women everyone is talking about here too.

[@ButFirstCawfee]

What was the point of pointing out that the woman was morbidly obese?!

[@claudiamanta1943]

Give a sincere compliment and they will hate you for it because they’re insecure. You just cannot win.

[@incacolagirl1450]

So, men being clear and direct is a bad thing. As a woman I greatly appreciate that form of clear communication rather than needing to pad my language and adjust how I "feel" about myself just to get a woman to do something that if I asked a man to do in clear language. That sounds like manipulation.

[@tarawieting8125]

I do all of this and they still find away to get me fired... In Seattle this has happened 2x in 1 year

[@Fernstead]

Yeah. Stop doing all of this. It's dishonest, outdated, and causes distrust. Be honest and forthright.

[@sienamoreno3776]

"she was morbidly obese but we overlooked that" ..... what?

[@apove1814]

She is spot on . I have experienced this all my life and can’t stand it .

[@LyndOrion]

Basically you saying that women must conform to femininity or face relational aggression. I dont agree with your solution.

[@Yotrek]

Aggression manifests in different ways between the sexes. Men tend show aggression physically. Women are just as aggressive, or more, as men. However they tend to show aggression via reputation destruction. Every woman has a story of another women that unjustly destroyed a person's reputation. What's a story you heard?

[@dawnhapgood2907]

I feel like I’ve always acted like this. I’m always smiley and kind and do favours for my coworkers... you know what that gets me? Trodden all over. I’m not at work to make friends (unless a genuine relationship forms :)) I’m there to make money.

[@pepibopi]

Let's remember that there are always 3 sides of a story. The left, the right, and truth. We dont actually know why she was fored so often. However, I do know that the one common denominator in each of her work situations was HER... Were that many employers horrible or was she?

[@candy2325]

That’s the same thing I was thinking 🤔

[@GiGo421]

As a man, it’s tough for me to gauge the truth of what she says. I would say that the stories she tells makes it seem like she might not be totally innocent in all the misfortune she had. She tells the story of three jobs and getting fired from each job. In each case, the firing was completely unjustified according to her self-perception. Getting unfairly fired once is more than possible. Twice is unlikely but could happen. Three times and it starts to seem like it’s not just bad luck. I run into people sometimes who feel like they never do wrong; they can’t even see their own role in the difficulties they find themselves in. It’s actually more common in people with talent and intelligence - they can’t accept the possibility they may be rubbing someone else the wrong way. It must be someone else’s fault.

[@Violinist265]

My female coworkers are like a mafia they are hypocrites and that is the worst part

[@beckyphillips4127]

What does your mention of the woman as "morbidly obese" say about you?

[@hannahwyliewylie7014]

If no one in the damn audience raised their hands then they're the bullies.

[@shadybrooks8174]

I was looking like, aint no way none of them have experienced this.

[@hannahmcintosh5343]

Essentially to be successful in a group of women you have to mimic them. This isn't a new concept, it's something both little girls and grown women do. I work in an all female workplace and have always done all of these things out of common sense. If I do people favours they will like me and think well of me. If I don't talk to people like I'm better than them, they won't feel threatened or try to one-up me by creating competition. These seem like basic social skills in any situation regardless of the genders involved. Are we saying that we teach girls to be selfish and not to do nice things for others unless there is something in it for them? Honestly, this talk just raised more questions for me about what we teach girls and women, all of them rather worrying. If girls are raised to believe in an even playing field, why are so many women (like the speaker here) alienating themselves in the workplace by failing to demonstrate mutualistic behaviours like 'women speak'? Are we forgetting to teach some girls to be kind? Interesting talk but I have even more questions now than I had at the start!

[@indigoblue4791]

Wise advice for women in the workplace. I love the idea of the good girl gang! 💗

[@bluewaters3100]

When I was married I found out that any women friends I had were always flirting with my husband behind my back. Some of them kissed him and one actually slept with him. I am divorced now. My husband of course would never tell me about these occurances and I just thought I was nuts because these women treated me badly and my husband would always side with them on things. It was very stressful not understanding the dynamics..guess that is passive/agressive behavior on all levels. I hate gossip in the workplace.

[@IcexQueen19]

and you dont blame your husband at all?

[@kittycathleen3126]

This must be conservative work places because I've never once experienced this

[@Chris-hr3fc]

Cathleen O'malley maybe you’re the bully.

[@sjmoore3320]

why? do you think it has to happen in every workplace? Maybe she works with women that are more secure with themselves.

[@kittycathleen3126]

Haha! Maybe I am... I was just sharing my experience. What this woman has to say is not only interesting, but important for others to hear. Of course it doesn't have to happen in every workplace. But all my experiences were unformal. Just sharing

[@sjmoore3320]

I was referring to Chris's comment...meaning I understand what you are saying ;-)

[@bethphillips5997]

lol

[@mauraronda1265]

I have zero tolerance for men or women who try to do this. I will not lower my standards. 42 years or working in the corporate world and will not partake in any of this! Will not tolerate or partake in any form.

[@narmeenulfdfd3993]

As woman I will never do anything to make any woman happy except my mom nothing else because No “MATTER WHO MUCH YOU TREAT THEM NICE THEY STILL HATE YOU JUST BECAUSE YOUR WOMAN “

[@BeADad2447]

Good girl gang? Good luck. Woman are born like this I doubt they even want to change. Descendants of eve! But we still have to love and take care of them I'm not complaining! Who is this beautiful calm, sane, kind loving lady? You aren't normal! Thank you for this video, your so brave. I hope you take proper security and safety measures.

[@truth322]

narc women who don't want others to rise..they do the same to their men in fear they are left alone..this is rooted in insecurity..narcs also have the ability to cause companies to fail

[@king-nick2023]

I’m caught in the middle of a war with women coworkers.

[@donnaiovine2123]

I've worked with mean people at a few of my jobs. Thank you for this talk it helps to hear that there could be a solution to these problems. I just can't understand that if they are leveling the playing field why would they cause such negativity. I think they are just mean spirited people.

[@user-bg3nr7we9v]

Thank you was looking for this subject about mistreatment and I found your TEDx Talks. it helps me a lot.

[@exposedsubliminalchannels2097]

It's because from an early age us women are taught that our only value is beauty, a man can be strong, an comedian, a millionaire! And everyone would adore him, but society teaches little girls that there only value is how they look, that's why some women attacks other women, but my point is, teach your daughters that there more then a "pretty face" teach them that they have more value then looking hot

[@exposedsubliminalchannels2097]

@Korean Emperor I agree actually, but I think women have way more worth then how they look, same thing goes for men

[@IBroLLyISePhIrOtH]

i love being a man ;D

[@maheshsatam3769]

and i know u r secretly enjoying women fight ;)

[@jonathansmith1590]

​@@maheshsatam3769Because women love doing it to themselves? 🥴

[@genevabecker8441]

I have said ALL of my female life "There may be a brotherhood of man, but there is not sisterhood of woman". Usually when I offer this opinion/belief to other women it is met with either shock, or sincere aggression...making my point There may be a brotherhood of man, but there is no sisterhood of women..." It doesn't have to be this way...

[@WJFK480]

I understand what she's saying and I believe it would work some of the time, but more than a few women have treated me poorly regardless of how I treated them and I can never understand why. Maybe some women are simply just angry, resentful, jealous bit***s and they want you to be as miserable as they are, those are the women who might just need a reality check and require you stand up for yourself rather than coddling them or soothing them with happy words. Maybe it's because I've usually worked with more men than women or that most of my friends as a child were boys, but I'm not going to kiss some wretched women's a**, I'm going to tell her the truth, and yes, the truth hurts but more people need to hear it more often these days. So what if you lose your job, get another one. I manage a small business and if someone isn't pulling their weight, they'll be spoken to and if that doesn't work they'll be let go and they will be aware of this ahead of time.

[@Rojsk7488]

Thank you for sharing this wisdom... You hv made my rest of life easier than before... I hv had same issues and after listening this now I know where I was wrong...

[@Ysb_m]

I’ve experienced that at work and they don’t only happen at work, they also happen in marriages because it’s also happening to me with my in-laws

[@HoGraz]

Sad that in order to even get this message across it had to be thinly veiled as fighting “the patriarchy” lest the blame be solely put on women themselves. She even mentions how women are graduating much more than men now. No one can just be honest in this country. It’s always had to be “us versus them.”

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

For some of those women there was nothing I could do to change the issues. I was shunned due to ignorance.

[@annbounds7087]

Maybe if women didn't make comments like, she was morbidly obese, but a good employee so we let that go...Are you kidding me??? You lost three jobs and blame it on other women. How about taking some resposibility for your mistakes rather than justifying them!

[@spectraleyes6587]

"She was morbidly obese but we overlooked that"... I was waiting for the point in the video where this statement was relevant and it never came. Seems like kind of an odd thing to throw in don't you think? I'm going to read between the lines here.

[@jlj5487]

So SHE started a company but wasn’t the boss. The male boss worked with this speaker until this other woman came along. This other woman suddenly complained that she was being given too much work. And instead of finding out how much work she was being given, the male boss avoids conflict for so long until he can no longer take it anymore and fires the person who he had worked fine with for all those years until this new woman came along? And the male BOSS had zero responsibility in this? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen men gossip about each other to tear each other down, too. Pretty sure they steal each other’s ideas and keep key employees from transferring to a better job if the manager needs that man to stay in that role. Pretty sure it’s called competitiveness when related to men. None of the things this woman suggested will actually help you. That’s why she couldn’t function in that business full of women she went to after her lazy male boss fired her, even though literally all the other women were functioning together.

[@jaysherman4149]

Good people have trouble fathoming that others will try to destroy them just out of jealousy.

[@byakudsan7051]

I am a student. But even in university I see a lot of girls being toxic to each other. Maybe I am too without realizing it. But there is this girl who is my classmate and talks badly about all her friends. Then she acts like she said nothing when they are close. I could understand if you criticize people you don’t like, but close friends? I actually got away from her. But now she is making me look like a mean person with my friends. Thankfully my friends know how I am.

[@1LaOriental]

Read Phyllis Chesler's book: Women's Inhumanity To Women.

[@coppersense999]

A level playing field is a STARTING point. Beyond that it is stagnation. We want a level playing field for healthy competition, not so we can all be dragged down to the lowest common denominator. Her experiences are sad, but some seem self-sabotaging. If I was new at a job I wouldn't politely call for a wage-parity meeting and not expect others to read me as passive aggressive and fire me. I am not blaming her, just find it interesting, a good lesson in human interaction.

[@stillwatersfarm8499]

This woman is in denial of her own character flaws, so she has searched out an explanation. What she needs is a good friend to set her straight.

[@alexhatfield4448]

Yea working with women is tough

[@nimihitoasiniy]

I didn’t take her argument seriously from the moment she brought up that other woman’s weight, tf lol

[@luminouscali]

Thank you for this talk!

[@shelostit8008]

“She was obese but we overlooked that....” if that isn’t an admit to a bias, I don’t know what is. Imagine having points knocked from you before you even opened your mouth at an interview just for the way you look.

[@meadowmorph3291]

The more I think on this video, the more disturbed I become. This video explains working women need to learn to "fit in" by the female status quo terms if they don't want to be back-stabbed by these "mean girls" and then fired. For the first time, I'm now questioning everything. I gleefully imagined that mean girls died in high school and failed miserably in the world (you want fries with that?) or married and joined the PTA for their back-stabbing fix. Now I see they have moved to the workplace. The only way I can be successful (or even survive) is to join with the patriarchy, and accept that I will never get the corner office, but at the very least, I will be appreciated for what I contribute. I am hard-working, intelligent with a very strong work ethic and analytical mind...all things appreciated by the patriarchy. I am not pretty so their wives won't be threatened. Does all of this seem right to you?

[@TAM-mj9lb]

The above talk topic is the reason why I no longer hire any women...regardless of what the law states. What is worse is that this professional relational aggression extends to women's personal relationships with men and leads to total destruction of relationships and marriage. My take-away for the past years regarding these unhealthy outcomes is that I simply do not deal with women anymore, period! Men's friendships and professional relationships are based on clearer defined communication and are thus much more robust and straight-forward. All in all healthier!

[@gokselbilici2227]

I get her thought but anyway what is the real reason WHY women try to equalize social status between people?