Resentment and anger after narcissistic abuse

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Many narcissistic abuse survivors struggle with anger, resentment and fantasies of revenge. In this video I talk about how to make friends with anger, allowing it to point the way to where you need attention, care, soothing, protection and action. It is possible to build a life based on your deepest values after narcissistic abuse, even in the absence of any kind of justice.

[@surlif]

Thank you !!! After living with a narcissist (and near his narcissist family) for decades, I am so angry now that I clearly see what happened to me. This helps me to know what to do with the anger. I could not find much information about the resentment and anger of the victim of narcissist abuse. Excellent video.

[@drruthannharpur]

Your anger is a precious gift and sign of your care and respect for yourself - so pleased you found this video helpful 🙏

[@franksimmons9242]

20 years. Reminds me of a people born with physical disabilities. They learn how to become amazingly effective. They want to know what handicap? Like the narcissist they don't know anything else. This is their normal.

[@drruthannharpur]

@@franksimmons9242 time for a new normal!

[@franksimmons9242]

@@drruthannharpur no longer in bliss or ignorane. This strange breed is still puzzling.

[@jackiegerarde9938]

I worked through extreme rage with my therapist. All I did for many months was rage. To family and friends too. I'm better and no longer living with this anger and I'm excited about rediscovering myself. I got sick from all the stress and I'm not 100% yet but I'll get there. Gentle recovery. Thank you for this great video.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you Jackie - wishing you well for your recovery - rediscovering yourself will be a wonderful journey - you will Kirk and love what you find 🙏♥️

[@IndorilTheGreat]

I was definitely upset after I ended things for my own well-being. I kept thinking, "It's not fair that she treated me the way she did, and she'll just get away my with it. It's not fair that she regularly accused me of cheating, while she was stoking the fire with someone else in case things ended with me. It's not fair that she wouldn't take responsibility for the hurt she was causing me, it's not fair that she blamed ME for standing up to her abuse." But then things changed. I began doing a lot of research into covert narcissism, and the more I read about it, the more I realized that she likely isn't aware that she's doing it, and she just doesn't know how to operate any other way. She had an emotional affair while she was with me not because she actually loved this other guy, but because she was so afraid of being alone, that she needed to cultivate her new supply. She is incapable of ever truly loving herself, so she needs to suck that love from others. My anger turned to pity - what a horrible existence that must be. Now, I can feel the pity turning into compassion, which is something I need to be careful with. Reckless compassion is how I got into that situation in the first place.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for sharing this. I’m so glad you’ve been able to move on. Compassion needs to be wise and also directed towards yourself too! Many a kind and empathic person has been exploited in these kinds of relationships. You deserve to have a loving relationship with someone who returns your kindness and compassion and doesn’t just take it, giving little or nothing in return. Take good care of yourself!

[@stephaniehall6309]

They know and don’t care

[@drruthannharpur]

@@stephaniehall6309 sadly very true

[@IndorilTheGreat]

@@stephaniehall6309 I think a part of me is still in denial that she truly *knew* what she was doing, but evidence certainly points to the opposite in some cases. She would say things she *knew* hurt me, as I had told her saying those things hurt me, but she would say them anyway. She only "apologized" when I refused to sit there and take it. She would frequently gaslight by denying full conversations we had in public, but then turn around and talk about that same conversation with me in private later that day. I just didn't see what was happening because I was so intoxicated with the gas fumes. On the other hand, part of the reason I think she isn't aware of doing a lot of the things she did, is because of her past. She told me of childhood and relationship trauma that could very easily lead to that deeply rooted insecurity that narcissists have, and so she developed manipulative coping mechanisms and strategies to get her way. If it worked for her when she was younger, and kept working into young adulthood, it makes sense that she would keep doing it. Perhaps she knew she was doing these things, but she was never able to look inward and take accountability for her actions, so she never consciously realized. But who knows how much of that was true, and how much of it was manipulative fabrication to gain my trust. Maybe she did know she was doing these things on some level. I guess it doesn't matter now, as I know her for who she truly is, and we're no longer together.

[@Thatonechick778]

I’m living through the same. It’s an exhaustive journey

[@cherrybacon3319]

I know in those moments where I truly needed him and with our history of abuse what he was truly like. How he abandoned me when I was ill. I'll never forget that. I was hurt and angry, I wanted revenge. I'd learned so much about abuse I knew control was what mattered to him the most. So, one day as I cheerfully waved him goodbye, I ghosted him and disappeared. I knew this would hurt him because it wasn't his decision to discard me. The fact that he has no confirmed idea as to what's happened to me will drive him mad. It'll hurt his self esteem. His pride. That's my anger and satisfaction at what he did to me so many many times over the years. 🍒

[@hipnhappenin]

3:11 Thank you for saying this. It used to give me stress to think that my ex may never understand what he did wrong. I kept thinking, "Given all the abuse from him I had to endure, all the sacrifices I made just for him to not reciprocate or even compromise, there HAS to be justice. I have to come out of the relationship as the 'winner.'" I think all these self-help teachings give a false allusion that karma will reward the victim and punish the abuser. But reality isn't always like that.

[@drruthannharpur]

Reality is not just and denying that just further gaslights survivors. Take care of yourself 🙏

[@matilda4406]

Anger is healthy and powerful, to be used on what has been learned and how to do things differently and for healing and moving forward with so much more happiness and gratefulness. Jesus was angry many times, it's ok to be angry. Use it in a powerful way. Thank you for your video. Good angle many people don't take or understand how to deal with

[@privateprivate8366]

I think that a lot of anger not only comes from what happened and the time wasted. But, also from the lack of validation that anything or anything important or significant happened to you. That no time and opportunities were really lost, because your life doesn’t really have much value. That, as far as others are concerned, they have no dog in your hunt. They feel you should either get over it or even return to the abuse. They’re indifferent and it is 6 in one hand, half dozen the other. All of this can cause a perpetual bitterness. For me, it’s that I don’t have any intention of leaving anything g by to people. Although I know there’s often quite limited benefit to animals, everything will be left to animal organizations. And, even now that our mother passed earlier this year, because I’d gone no contact 4 years ago, my angry, younger sister, although she “never wants to see me again”, doesn’t think I should have the right to sell one of the 2 paid for properties our mother left behind. Why? Because she feels that, whether I like it or not, she’s entitled to me being forced to leave her to inherit my property, when I die, which she probably hopes is accelerated. So, as probate will likely begin shortly, despite her self-appointing herself as executor, and because I’m also not feeling so well, I’ll be writing up my Will this weekend and filing it with the state, to ensure she inherits nothing from me and everything I get subsequently goes where I intend. Goes to show how anger can continue also. Because the abuse often continues, once the original narcissist passes away, taking up the better part of your already stolen life. Yet, get over it…right?

[@drruthannharpur]

Yes, I think you are right.. not only do you have to live with the original injury, but often continued invalidation and even abusive or nasty behaviour from other people. The impact of a narcissistic person on wider family relationships can generate incredible conflict and often there's more than one narcissistic person in the system, as you describe.I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.

[@privateprivate8366]

@@drruthannharpur yeah, the whole thing is bat sh*t crazy. I’ve had to deal with entitled, narcissistic neighbors and just rid myself of one a few days ago. In addition, my boss is a HUGE enabler, in part, because she is the scapegoat of her own narcissistic family and misery loves company. So, she’s hardly wanted me to escape my own situation. There seems to be all these odd entry points to something which is growing, in leaps and bounds, sadly. Another thing is that, if you didn’t have life-crippling empathy towards the narcissist that’s been abusing you, particularly if they’re a parent, everyone lies in wait, for your comeuppance.

[@drruthannharpur]

Ah yes… you’re supposed to be grateful because they’re your parents or they’re family. I do think there is a particular stigma and judgement reserved for you if you decide to put distance between yourself and a narcissistic family member. I’m so sorry, you have been through this .

[@whitecat4327]

If you met my ex narcissist's mother you'd feel more compassion than anger . He never stood a chance .

[@drruthannharpur]

I can believe it! NPD is a tragic disorder and people with it have suffered a lot (not justifying anyone’s hurtful behaviour). You might find my latest video interesting as I talk about compassion for narcissists kzbin.info/www/bejne/fGK6eHapYqypjMU

[@phyllis5332]

I’ve never been comfortable with anger, even more so after living with someone full of resentment and anger. He was also fine with taking this out on others, usually me. The idea of acknowledging my own resentment or anger from that abusive relationship and using that to recognize what I lost and what’s important to me is intriguing. Thank you for giving me a new perspective.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for commenting and I’m so happy to hear this video has given you a new perspective 🙏❤️

[@Vixinaful]

THANK YOU! The woman Im seeing at the womans shelter says Im bitter and aggressive and that its not healthy to feel that kind of anger. So now I dont know where to put my anger. If I show sadness, Im told by the abusers Im selfpitying and when Im angry (which took me 45 years to build up) the woman at the womens shelter says Im bitter and aggressive. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel anything nor to exist.

[@drruthannharpur]

You can feel all your emotions and they are all important 🙏❤️

[@runningwithscissors1564]

I honestly believe if they aren’t punished in this life, they will be in the next.

[@sonlya2010]

Be not deceived.....every man/woman reaps what they sow. Amen

[@kellye.274]

I grew up in an extremely toxic and abusive home. Now as an adult I finally realize all the toxic (manipulative and controlling) “friends” around me. I feel so alone and I just want to end my life. I’m tired of trying and trying to have healthy relationships only to be disappointed and hurt time and time again. I don’t know where to find healthy and loving people.

[@michellelitchfield6569]

You understand the trauma, Thankyou for this. He took so much from me.

[@drruthannharpur]

I’m so glad you feel understood Michelle - take good care of yourself 🙏

[@terridillon3053]

That’s my brain trying to process this unbelievable pain and what has happened to me

[@drruthannharpur]

Take very good care of yourself Terri 🙏

[@nikkimadenew4395]

I feel so much pain and anger and revenge started boiling but God said let it go and I looked up this video

[@gingerj719]

So well put. I really needed this, at this point and time. Love to all.... stay strong

[@SallyFrancis]

Great video I wrote a book called "Remember Who You Truly Are... " ..after a lifetimev of abuse from an elder brother .

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for commenting Sally - I will look up your book! You can get in touch with me via my website if you would like 🙏

[@kooks4977]

Thank you for this video. I came out of an emotionally abusive relationship a year ago. I’ve gone through various emotions, but have really enjoyed getting back to being me again and seeing my friends, without getting into trouble for it! I feel like I’ve won the lottery, getting my life back. The last few days, I’ve felt a deep anger towards my ex for the abuse, I think maybe now that I’m stronger in myself and I’m happy, I can see just how terrible her behaviour was towards me and how I allowed it and pandered to her, to stop her getting worse. If I stood up to her, she’d turn into a raging bull, for hours. It was exhausting! Thank you for your video, it’s really helped me, there aren’t many videos on this subject. 🙏

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you 🙏 Enjoy your freedom and yes, sometimes it’s only in retrospect when you see things more clearly that you start to feel anger. Sending good wishes you way 🙏

[@rainrainwebdesign]

Sensational, this really hit the spot. Thanks.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you 🙏

[@marthamoreno1539]

Thank you for this lovely message. I really needed this

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for leaving such a kind comment. I’ve just made another video which explores this theme further if you’d like to see more: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fYanXoVmYpmgnpI

[@bekind7288]

LOVE this!! Thank you Dr. Ruth Ann! :)

[@drruthannharpur]

🙏

[@sagebay2803]

This was very helpful. Thank you!

[@sheilamurry9875]

Thank you ...... For your dedication in helping us and the validation ✨️ ❤️

[@drruthannharpur]

You’re so very welcome 🙏

[@bridgetharris6867]

Thank you thank you 🙏🏿

[@drruthannharpur]

You are so welcome - thank you for commenting 🙏

[@Pedroson001]

Thank you Ruth! God bless you in Jesus' name!

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you!

[@HarpreetSingh-il5sy]

Thank you for your work 🙏🥰

[@drruthannharpur]

You are welcome and thank you for commenting 🙏 This channel is a new venture for me so grateful for anyone giving me a chance. If you have any topics you’d like me to cover, let me know.

[@HarpreetSingh-il5sy]

@@drruthannharpur many people suffer from narcissictic abuse ,these kind of videoes very helpful so i so much thankful to you starting this channel 🌹🥰🙏

[@drruthannharpur]

@@HarpreetSingh-il5sy so pleased you are finding it helpful ❤️

[@HarpreetSingh-il5sy]

@@drruthannharpur 😊

[@lifeandliving1264]

Thank You ❤️🌹

[@drruthannharpur]

You are welcome ❤️

[@improvementTime10.3.17]

6:11 don’t focus on the shitter focus on what you value and things you love

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Thank you for this. It is a year ago and the anger keeps coming up. Made me sad. But i was not allowed to be angry as a child and i became depressed. I will be angry from.now on. It must leave.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for commenting 🙏

[@Premjipremprem]

Hello Harpur … wife’s a covert passive aggressive narcissist … her fathers a malignant narcissist … and my son is stuck with these demons …

[@ericxb]

ty for this video 🧭

[@drruthannharpur]

You're welcome 🙏

[@mariannekoroleva6495]

Thank You!!:))!! 👍💐🌺💯%!!💚🌈⚓!!

[@drruthannharpur]

You are welcome! Thank you for commenting!

[@prostyle1626]

If their absence brings you peace you did not lose them you have won yourself again. When you know yourselves, it is then you can make yourselves known. And you will understand that you are a living soul. But if you will not know yourselves, it is then your soul dwells in poverty and the lack of self knowledge is your poverty.

[@s.a565]

Hello. I'm new to your channel. I've Just subscribed. I'm here hoping to heal.Thank you for your video.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you - you are so welcome here!

[@drruthannharpur]

Also, let me know if there's any particular topics you would like me to cover :)

[@uktea9610]

It is so difficult when you are in the middle of a divorce with one and a child is in the middle of all of these.

[@drruthannharpur]

This is a terrible situation to be in for you and the child🙏

[@SallyFrancis]

My goodness where do I find you?

[@simonhilgevoord8020]

I have been financially and emotionally raped but now i surely know what a narcissist is.. NEVER!!! AGAIN .