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@rla881 2 сағат бұрын
My anger has became less intense lately. I'm able to see more clearly what has happened to me in the past and how my parents inflicted so much pain on me because they were and still are in pain from the trauma they suffered 😢
@captainblackheart999 7 сағат бұрын
i dont pity them... i loathe them my ex "family" tried to destroy me... so i destroyed them by leaving them they absolutly cant change this channel is dangerous and should be cancalled
@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g 16 сағат бұрын
I lean avoidant myself, though I don't exhibit all the traits. I do enjoy my autonomy and independence, but I also enjoy being around large crowds of people. At the same time, I've found it's better to process your emotions in solitude and express what you learned from them to your partner rather than giving them the raw emotions themselves. It's worked for me for years and actually made me much tougher and resilient in the process.
@drruthannharpur 14 сағат бұрын
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g thank you n for sharing - sounds like you've got some great ways to communicate with your partner that work well for you ❤️
@lesabrydson2526 Күн бұрын
Lord help!!! Power Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🤲🙌🤲🙌❤
@rla881 Күн бұрын
❤❤❤
@Kelly-oe8kr Күн бұрын
Regarding the smear campaign, at some point people (and the narcissist) have to recognise either I'm telling the truth or the narcissist is. I maintain I walked away because their toxic and abusive behaviour, but if the narcissist is to be believed and I am this horrible person then to maintain the facade they shouldn't want anything to do with me or they look like a liar. Either the result is the same, the narcissist should stay far away from me. Ultimately I win, I'm rid of them because they painted themselves into a corner with the story of me being the problem and to continue their story of victimhood they have to avoid any contact with me. Explain the paradox to the flying monkeys and see what happens, if I'm the problem he shouldn't want to have anything to do with me, if he's the problem that's why I want nothing to do with him. You can't have it both ways, pick a stance!
@gulliver7419 3 күн бұрын
I think the causes are complex. My widowed mother was quite narcissistic and I felt the responsiblity of trying to make her happy. Consequently, I made friends with people are are either emotionally unavailable and/or quite narcissistic which has further impacted my attachement style. I was shamed for having any needs so I am self-sufficient because I feel like it is my job to make others happy and have no needs. I resent it but it also helps me to feel "close" (when I really am not) and is actually a form of control. They don't know how I feel and most of them don't care or don't know how to be there emotionally. i.e. I remain safe behind my prison wall. It has taken me years to unpack this and own it and I have so much to do still.
@drruthannharpur 3 күн бұрын
@@gulliver7419 💯agree. These things are complex and if you have an over developed coping strategy (like keeping someone else happy), it does tend to attract the very people who reinforce it. I hope you're finding ways to build healthier relationships 🙏
@SoulForce999 3 күн бұрын
Shame that is not given a chance to be felt, because there is too little capacity for awareness.
@projectpiano5231 3 күн бұрын
Starting to trust again feels a lot like untying a knot that was further and further tied up for many years. At some point you have to take risks (even if "small" relative to what you want to do), that may result in it getting more tied if you pull on the wrong part or your trust is broken again. It's hard. Also it means that you need to get out of the environment that was tying the knot up. Great video, just wanted to share an analogy that resonates for me (and tell you what I want to tell myself/tell myself lol). ❤
@drruthannharpur 3 күн бұрын
@@projectpiano5231the knot analogy is 👌. You're right it feels very vulnerable to risk having your trust broken again. Wishing you well as you loosen untie the knot 🙏
@no.5810 4 күн бұрын
I do this ALL the time and destroyed 2 relationships. Thanks for helping me see it and give me choices on how to deal with it. Would love a video on strategies on how to manage it in real time.
@drruthannharpur 4 күн бұрын
@@no.5810 something like this video? kzbin.info/www/bejne/iHqUc3SIo9xgqKcsi=Dw77dlfO5DOq8265 If there's more you'd like me to dive deeper into let me know - certainly plan to return to this topic as it's such a big one that impacts a lot of people ❤️
@no.5810 4 күн бұрын
@drruthannharpur Thank you!
@drruthannharpur 4 күн бұрын
@@no.5810 you're welcome 🙏
@rla881 5 күн бұрын
❤
@oh_k8 5 күн бұрын
Is your guest saying that narcissists (particularly somatic "sex addict" narcississts) might just be selfish people in a incompatible sexual relationship with their wives/partners etc, rather than being an actual narcississt?
@drruthannharpur 5 күн бұрын
That's not how I understand it. He's saying that people with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder are more likely to explain harmful and selfish sexual behaviours and deception regarding sexual relationships (e.g affairs) as a sex addiction, as this essentially absolves them of responsibility for their actions and their impact on others.
@oh_k8 5 күн бұрын
@@drruthannharpuras I understand, somatic narcississts are chronically looking for sexual opportunities, not out of the drive to be selfish but they are using sex to dull uncomfortable feelings such anxiety and depression due to either low self esteem or some form of inner void (the notion that they are "empty"). Wouldn't that directly conflict with the notion that it's simply selfish behaviour? If somebody is using sex to achieve dopamine to dull serious negative feelings such as depression and emptiness, isn't the drive behind these actions closer to fulfilling an "addiction" for dopamine rather than just being selfish?
@educatingedwardltd406 6 күн бұрын
Hi Ruth I work with Sanil Rege at Psych Scene. Great videos! Thank you for creating such helpful content. ❤🎉
@drruthannharpur 6 күн бұрын
Thank you! Say hi to Sanil from me 🙌
@notesfrommateriality7572 6 күн бұрын
these people destory lives. if you have ever been their target you wouldn't be so keen to be promoting their yt channel. shame
@NielMalan 6 күн бұрын
6:29 No, no, no, no. I never, ever had feelings of being stifled or overwhelmed. If I did I would have had something to work with.
@gulliver7419 3 күн бұрын
Well perhaps you don't battle with fearful avoidance then.
@NielMalan 3 күн бұрын
@gulliver7419 No, I don't. The video is about avoidant attachment.
@rla881 7 күн бұрын
😢😢
@laurawilliams9338 7 күн бұрын
Behavioral health therapist here of 18 years. Rewind: the first sentence spoken and the following 100 sentences are about you. It’s sus. I digress.. I’ve had 4 theory-based classes on the application of psychotherapy based on a variety of sex-based psychotherapy modules. Also quarterly CEUs. This video is confusing me.
@Rafael_1965 8 күн бұрын
Dr. Ruth Ann is a great listener! Letting Ms. Sara be vulnerable and honest.
@drruthannharpur 8 күн бұрын
Thank you - very kind of you and super grateful Sara was willing to share some of her story with me. ❤
@Rafael_1965 8 күн бұрын
@@drruthannharpur thank you for responding 🙏 ❤️ Respectfully yours.
@deesnuts.5794 8 күн бұрын
This is giving a vibe of “I am auditioning for a part in a movie where I play a narcissist.” The narcissist that tried to ruin my life had a completely different demeanor. Nobody would ever believe the things she did to me if I told them. It was completely outside of the scope of how people knew her. She was so go at faking and wearing a mask. I believe real narcissist many of them are not plain as day to see, there’s not too many grandiose narcissist that are not millionaires or atleast well to do. My worst experience was with a covert.
@drruthannharpur 8 күн бұрын
You're right, narcissism takes many forms and may not be obvious at all from the outside.
@rla881 9 күн бұрын
❤❤❤
@crose1469 9 күн бұрын
Very helpful. Thank you.
@drruthannharpur 9 күн бұрын
@@crose1469 so glad you found it helpful and thank you for commenting ❤️
@telofy 9 күн бұрын
When someone tells you they have NPD, the first question should be, Oh! How do I compliment you most deeply and meaningfully? :-D
@psychicconsultant453 10 күн бұрын
Thank you for this Dr Ruth
@drruthannharpur 10 күн бұрын
@@psychicconsultant453 you're welcome and thank you for commenting ❤️
@sherizabala8657 10 күн бұрын
I left! I tried what you said. But, it was just too toxic and only got worse. In the end, I decided my health was more important. And I already built my self-worth outside of that place.
@drruthannharpur 10 күн бұрын
@@sherizabala8657 so pleased you're out! 🙌
@drruthannharpur 10 күн бұрын
Thank you ❤️ You might enjoy the long form video was taken from: kzbin.info/www/bejne/iHqUc3SIo9xgqKcsi=LJIrM_R1MMa6KfB9
@no.5810 10 күн бұрын
@@drruthannharpur 🙏
@no.5810 10 күн бұрын
Wise words!
@mirjamgorog8755 11 күн бұрын
I think the problem starts with a mum saying a small child/ baby is bad! Wtf 😨
@mirjamgorog8755 11 күн бұрын
It is your mum’s fault sorry 😣
@Judy254 11 күн бұрын
You got a new subscriber ,i have been asking myself, why i keep meeting partners who i must help ,,,,just learnt that the rescuer xter blocked me from receiving coz i always feel uncomfortable receiving,i always want to fix pples problems and abandon my own needs
@drruthannharpur 11 күн бұрын
Amazing - welcome! Lots more on this to come ❤️
@LisaSmith-yb2uz 13 күн бұрын
Very helpful reminder 😚❣️thank You
@drruthannharpur 13 күн бұрын
@@LisaSmith-yb2uz 🙏 you're welcome
@wendywhyte9839 13 күн бұрын
The last toxic relationship I was in at 60 years old, taught me that I can’t do that anymore. It cost me more than I have to give
@drruthannharpur 13 күн бұрын
Thank you for sharing this. It takes incredible strength and wisdom to recognize when something is costing you too much. I'm so glad you've learned to prioritize yourself-you deserve peace and happiness. 💖
@1963Jax 13 күн бұрын
I've become a loner and live in relative solitude
@rla881 15 күн бұрын
Old habits die hard. To me it will take time until I trust someone again... 😢
@drruthannharpur 13 күн бұрын
Of course it takes time - be gentle with yourself❤
@telofy 15 күн бұрын
“You need to have had the experience of how ordinary people respond to let you go, Yeah, no, that's not about me, that's you.” - Yes! This has made such a big difference for me! I can notice disordered thinking pattern in my friends within a second or so now, stop, and think about how to respond to them most effectively. (Rather than automatically fawning.)
@drruthannharpur 15 күн бұрын
It's so key - you need to have new relational experiences that help you grow!
@telofy 15 күн бұрын
@drruthannharpur 🥳💃🧚♀️🦄🎉
@telofy 15 күн бұрын
Confusingly, this is very much like and unlike me. I'd be a total Echo, except I never paid enough attention to other individuals but rather tried to do exactly what I thought society in general expected of me. That was mostly based on my self-study of ethics and moral lessons from aphorisms, books, movies, and shows. Until a few years ago, I had no idea what I wanted or liked (for the most part, with the key exception of my special interests), because I had, all my life, just been trying to figure out what preferences or goals I *should* have according to agent-neutral ethics. I recently apologized to a friend for some instances years earlier where all of this stuff made me come off a bit OCPD toward her. I've always had extreme uncertainty about what actions my knowledge of ethics actually implied, so I was rarely obnoxious about it, but in principle I find it funny how my (probably somewhat autistic) variation of standard echoism actually pushed me a bit in the direction of a PD that is easy to mistake for NPD! Etiologically, I imagine it might be a combination of the usual autistic “not having gotten the memo” with all the social rules, implicitly assuming moral realism, having virtually no peers to learn from, and being extremely afraid of making any mistakes.
@drruthannharpur 15 күн бұрын
Echoism can take many forms and tbh I see it more as a framework for understanding our experiences rather than a very precise thing. If you're struggling to find your own voice and living by other people's or society's expectations at the cost of your own sense of self or even if you own needs, than that's very in fitting with Echoism imho. I'm hoping to link up with @THEECHOCHAMBER1 soon to talk more about this!
@drruthannharpur 15 күн бұрын
And you make an important point about how this can also overlap with neurodivergence like autism!
@telofy 14 күн бұрын
@@drruthannharpur Looking forward to that! She has a video where she compares the typical Big 5 scores of grandiose NPD and echoism. More comparisons like that would be interesting! If a parent expects the child to be successful in some legible mainstream way, maybe that's what gives you NPD. But if the parent expects you to be demure, compliant, and helpful, maybe that leads to just the same creation of a false self, just in a different direction. Maybe both are used children. Maybe that's what makes NPD so relatable to me even though people tell me I'm the least narcissistic person they know. I guess you can't make an extreme antinarcissistic impression by random chance. (I mean, I know it's not random in my case.) It'd be interesting to see how someone with anxious attachment and vulnerable NPD compares to an echoist, or someone with grandiose NPD to a very successful echoist. I remember one friend of mine who was really proud of her ability to change her personality from one second to the next to interact effectively with me, with other charity people, with physicists, with musicians, with religious people, and with organized crime families. Someone with that ability might consider themselves a confident super-people-pleaser! Are you collecting ideas for questions for the interview/chat?
@spandana.a 15 күн бұрын
Wonderful video! Avoidant attachment styles are naturally drawn to Vedantic and Bhuddist "detachment" theory and if not understood well can end up bypassing their emotional needs instead of growing on their spiritual path. Your two videos on the subject provide a great clarification
@drruthannharpur 15 күн бұрын
Thank you - glad you found them helpful 🙏
@svetikchum6988 15 күн бұрын
how about if there is no conflict and they shut down due to closeness or stress unrelated to you? and don't talk to you for weeks or longer ?
@drruthannharpur 15 күн бұрын
There may not be noisy arguments but this is almost certainly a very lonely relationship for the person who is essentially abandoned for weeks. The same principles would apply. The withdrawer here would need to be willing to share their experience with their partner and the partner would need to be gently supportive and not push too hard for closeness.... but is the withdrawer willing and is the more "anxious" partner getting enough to make the relationship good enough to stay? Only those involved can really answer those questions 🙏
@isabellesender 16 күн бұрын
Just so you know. A true narcissist, whether covert, overt, vulnerable, malignant r communal would never seek help. That would be admitting they need therapy. They will never change. Their core, that shame filled, weak, empty black hole thar sucks any and all validation, will never be filled. No matter what.
@MarinaM-o6p 16 күн бұрын
TO ALL LADIES WHO ARE WATCHING THIS VIDEO ……when you UNDERSTAND MOST men are TOXIC , SELFISH AND ENTITLED……will make your life FULL OF PEACE …..there is NO EXCEPTION ……STOP BENDING AND GO THE OVERBOARD FOR men in general …..STAY SAFE LADIES AND STAY HEALTY ! THOSE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR LIFE and of course your JOB .
@wiwidity 15 күн бұрын
Man are hardworking and caring. You are full of BS and you know it.
@enzofrancescoli1260 16 күн бұрын
Is it just me or but I feel like this is a faked interview. No way people are like this in real life😂😂😂
@3mexhuas 16 күн бұрын
Dr. Harpur is too hard to hear but the guest comes in loud and clear.
@saturdayschild8535 16 күн бұрын
Narcissism may be shame based, but they push their shame to those they target and use it to destroy their self worth. Explaining their use of flying monkeys as some sort of defense mechanism doesn’t change the impact of their actions. They may not be self aware enough to be able to articulate what they are doing, but they know the exact end goal they have in mind. Coming from a family full of these people, I know that the more distance -emotional and physical - between us, the better.
@windalfalatar333 17 күн бұрын
20:26 I think that clients in a normal clinic would normally go into the aggressive-bullying mode with their clinician because they see the futility of that mode in achieving their goals in that context, and also that the stakes are generally not as high in a civil society context as they are in a custodial one.
@yoshiperspectives4880 18 күн бұрын
I would call this guy a meta Narcissist. Meaning only almost a Narcissist but to aware of himself and the illogical thought processes to actually be a narcissist.
@yoshiperspectives4880 18 күн бұрын
This guy is a splitting image of my brother! In my family we call him the entertainer, but he's always putting on some image that you would expect on a bad boy character in a movie with kind of loud animated speach quite obviously seeking attention. But as his brother I know the very thing that hurt his self worth as a child to make him so hungry for the validation now. And I think usually Narcissists' bad side come out in relationships. But particularly speaking of romantic relationship, women are pretty nitpicky and judgmental which can drive the best men up the wall. Yet only men have to take responsibility.🤔
@HatBilly2008 18 күн бұрын
Can we talk please? I am in the United States. Thank you
@drruthannharpur 18 күн бұрын
You're welcome to get in touch: www.ruthannharpur.co.uk/contact
@HatBilly2008 18 күн бұрын
@ hi, I just emailed you thank you.
@Marcel-xs1er 18 күн бұрын
Thanks so much for your valuable Infos and kind words Ruth Ann 🙏🏻 Im really curious what's a good way one can reparent themselves maybe some examples where one might not see it apart from the usual when you made a mistake be kind to yourself? Looking forward to more videos 👌
@ronniemcdonald1915 19 күн бұрын
Yr solution of mutual willingness to communicate through the issues is totally unrealistic, each individual has to work on themselves and their attachment styles and heal apart from each other, anxious and avoidant lack any an all ability to communicate while broken
@ChinosWorldx 19 күн бұрын
Fantastic interview. Thank you for making this.
@drruthannharpur 16 күн бұрын
Glad you enjoyed it!
@telofy 21 күн бұрын
I find Marsha Linehan's memoir to be very instructive on how to use for good some traits that can be associated with narcissism: I will become a saint! I will become the epic hero a la Joseph Campbell! I will save millions! I deserve to learn from the best teachers in the world! I will achieve [incredibly ambitious project], and your doubt is the fuel in my veins because it'll be my sweet vengeance to prove that you were wrong about me! Love it! My own attitudes are usually too self-effacing, and just knowing of these alternatives opens up new perspectives for me. All in all, I usually find my own cozy, unambitious attitudes less stressful, but I don't want to be limited by them.
@drruthannharpur 21 күн бұрын
@@telofy great example!
@telofy 21 күн бұрын
A good friend of mine described grandiosity as feeling very stressful from the inside (and explicitly not like mania). He likens it hypomania and cocaine. Is that a BPD vs. NPD difference? I.e. if you do it once a month, it's effortful, stressful, risky, and probably in the context of the sort of terrifying situation that brought it out, whereas if you do/feel it all the time, it's flowy, natural, effortless, and usually in no particularly terrifying situation?