RJ Walker - My Mother Explains My Depression to Me

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RJ Walker, performing at Button Poetry Live, June 2018.
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[@alannasincere494]

“How dare you hurt me with your hurt”. Wow that hit me

[@JoDidntHearYou]

Alanna Sincere oh my goodness same here. Just wow.

[@JackieM.]

It hit too close too home oof

[@angelgirl976]

That was pretty much my mother's way of dealing with my depression. That line hit me so hard.

[@n.e.t.a6666]

Felt that deeply

[@casandraschlaline8682]

Alanna Sincere it’s not okay to be mad at sad people

[@PulseOfTheMaggie]

2 things: 1. as soon as I saw the title, I knew it would be after Sabrina's poem, and I got excited because I love that poem to death. 2. I get it. oh god. I get it.

[@FelicityWilkinsonfelicity]

i feel u on the second. you want to go into detail about how much u relate but its just easier to say u simply relate.

[@valkyrie7304]

what is the name of sabrinas poem?

[@leme8108]

@@valkyrie7304 explaining my depression to my mother

[@thats_pretty_emo7922]

"that I tried to drown myself accidentally on purpose," this hits me on a personal level

[@KerriB]

"You can't die so you can't get away." That pierced my soul. 💔 So relatable it hurts.

[@gitamolonah4594]

"You don't have depression, you just don't have enough faith"💔

[@ashl3ygr33n]

🙌🙌

[@serenfan4565]

As someone who is deconstructing from religion, you have no idea how many times I have been told this by religious leaders. That my feelings were just me not having faith in God, that I was sinning by having feelings that I could not control. Bottom line: this phrase hurts.

[@aceo_o2295]

@@serenfan4565 yup it cuts deep

[@palesa8777]

@@serenfan4565 This hits to close to home

[@clareashcraft3411]

This is scary accurate. When I told my mom I had depression she said," but honey, you know God put you on this earth for a reason." I told her I was an atheist. I had so much more I wanted to say but I couldn't get the words out fast enough to form sentences so I just said "I'm sorry."

[@aurorabiggs4551]

If you took the first sentence away I bet you could make something with that paragraph

[@Victoria-mm2px]

It's so accurate for me too

[@FelicityWilkinsonfelicity]

the thing is deep down we are sorry.. we've been brought up and cultivated to feel sorry for not being perfect.

[@palesa8777]

You should not be sorry for feeling nor seeking help I'm sorry

[@marysastorm7182]

Oh, beautiful metaphors consume me once more.

[@sarahlauner8300]

The emotion in this was so raw

[@xxlovetohate534xx]

The rejection. The pain. The loss. God this couldn't have come at a better time.

[@sha.rs9028]

Waiting for mine

[@kenzie9501]

"this sad boy disease" oh man. Can relate so hard to his religious mother's treatment towards him.

[@uritmudobremuzike2617]

I felt like he left all anger, sadness,hurt and all other mixed feelings right there on that stage. Anyone else?

[@humanbeing2497]

“In the voice of all of my suicide notes”!!! Sheesh I need this man’s books asap

[@vvictoriarangel]

I finally confessed to my mother that I had depression, that I’ve gone through depression more than once. She proceeded to look at me and ask do you want therapy? And for a second I actually believed she was being serious, I said yes and then she told me that was a test. That I don’t need therapy, that a child of God had no business going to therapy and that it’s a waste of time. Why would I need therapy if I’ve got God to talk to and all I’ve got to do is pray. I’m sorry mom that right now I felt like therapy was a good option. No disrespect to you God I’m not trying to say that you can’t do your part but maybe a therapist can do it well too. I felt like telling all these things to my mother, I felt like screaming. But I shut down, closed myself as she screamed at me. She said it’s all in my head that all these emotions are not real. I felt like asking that if they were not real then why do I feel them so badly, but I knew the response she would give me. I tried to explain to her in a nice way that she was the cause of my depression, of my insecurities, of my self-doubt but she took it to offense obviously. She said you don’t need a therapist if you’ve got me to talk to I’m your friend. But this whole time she was not listening, it came across my head that my mother had never been my friend but my biggest enemy. My biggest nightmare. I shut down emotionally, I’m only 16. All I was asking for was for some emotional support. It later occurred to me that family isn’t everything, that blood means nothing. All I’ve got is myself.

[@giat1158]

I'm sorry about your family, I understand what you're going through. It gets better I promise you.

[@ndivhomufhadi992]

I'm sixteen and I feel exactly the same way except my mother knew from when I was sixteen and I cut my wrists she saw and instead of comforting me or anything she threatened to tell my father, and I'm absolutely terrified of my father because he always manages to make me feel like I'm in the wrong like I did something wrong, like im a terrible person

[@johnnym]

It wasn't till my mid-30's after surviving a suicide attempt that I realize that I have been struggling with depression my whole life. A month after my attempt, I went and get help, and slowly got conformable speaking openly about it. My mother was the last person I informed, as I knew it wouldn't be an easy conversation. As soon as I mentioned my attempt, diagnosed, etc. the yelling, gaslighting and guilt trip started. I couldn't get a word in, she just kept yelling. So I calmly said, mom I'm trying to have a conversation with you about my health, can you please calm down and let me speak. Nope, she kept yelling. So again I said, mom please stop yelling and lets talk, if not then I am going to hang up. She kept yelling, so I said, ok bye, and hung up. That was 7 years ago. I hated having to cut off not just my mom, but my whole family. They are never going to change, or come around to accepting my diagnoses. If they ever did they would be indirectly admitting their guilt on how they treated me growing up and situations and events they dismissed or blamed on me.

[@sirsnooty]

"How dare you hurt me with your hurt" hit different bro i had to pause and let it sink in

[@shayf.7658]

It’s so easy to get caught up in metaphors when talking about the bad feelings. Why can’t people just believe us and actually be helpful. Also that was great!!!!!

[@dakotasconiers4626]

Reminds me of Neil Hilborn. I love Neil Hilborn.

[@JJ-zm3ne]

Dakota Sconiers same

[@iamchrisatkin]

Some might say RJ Walker is just a talented Neil Hilborn

[@lmvdam]

same i actually tapped the video halfway to check if it was neil

[@hannah-ih4vg]

same

[@Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa669]

Depression poetry is Probably the most popular genre lol.

[@lizvettrevino1716]

You pulled on my heart strings And I hate people who tell you your pain and your feelings aren't real and they compare it to something else the dosent validates your own internal suffering.

[@ailiab373]

Amen to that!

[@Lai-ny7wt]

"As she holds my head underwater" the goosebumps... damn Idk if you're going to ever read this but RJ this has to be the strongest thing I've read and you're the strongest person ik even if it's through your poetry

[@whitneylynn3915]

1:29 idk why I heard him say Corona and I thought I’d the coronavirus

[@ameliabillie]

Same

[@carolinedrayton3426]

When he said corona I had to check the date ;-;

[@ankitasaha8699]

Same

[@SquidOrBloom]

saame

[@christinegelabert1651]

CIGARETTES and Corona...the beer! LOL!

[@kimberduckworth7762]

“Kill the parts of yourself, that are yourself,” That hits, and that hurts

[@napbuddies]

I am currently going through the worst depressive episode I may have ever had, & while trying to explain it to my grandmother, who is all I have left, she told me that the reason I am going through this is because of my lack in faith. “When you abandon God, God abandons you.” I didn’t expect anything less, but it still hurt like hell. This poem is exactly what I needed right now, thank you for sharing ❤️

[@trillaabree8617]

“i will never have you in this home that is not your home”

[@calebotero4767]

"Kill the parts of yourself that are yourself" Damn, that hit me hard

[@biblicallyaccurateangel1378]

his shirt 👌👌👌

[@HERO-un7eb]

holy fucking shit this gave me the "eeuuugghh" sensation where i scrunch my face up and almost tear up because, again, holy fucking shit this POEM this PERFORMANCE and this MAN

[@alligrace2933]

“ kill the parts of yourself that are yourself “ That part hit me

[@Harajukubarbie333]

That’s literally my mom. I told her I had depression and she said I need to listen to more gospel songs because the devil is trying to trick me. Thanks mom I’m cured.

[@amillyam7713]

Goosebumps. With his words, I was able to feel his pain. This man is a true artist, and I fully appreciate his work.

[@bangtanbizzle978]

"Kill the parts of yourself that are yourself" God this hit me so hard

[@processesofbecoming2516]

I’ve been having a lot of conversations with my father about my lack of motivation and the fact that he feels I have no purpose. That my desire to take a year off is good but my desire to focus on my writing and actually publish something isn’t worthwhile. Even though this man has known I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was 14 and says I will be good at it, he still says there’s not enough structure, no one would want to read it, why don’t I put my effort into something that makes me less alone, when in fact writing is the thing that connects me to others. It is the thing that gives me space to breathe and understand; writing allows me to connect and express myself in positive ways. But I deny it, and I don’t do it, and I keep all the thoughts locked inside because I’m worried about being disappointing. I do realize that my father might just not be the proper audience for the stories I have to tell, but still his lack of approval hurts so much. His way of turning every conversation about my depression into a competition saying that he has it just as bad that he has it worse and how dare I try and tell him about how I’m feeling just to explain how I’m feeling, scares me from ever confiding in him again. He has given me the world, and I’m aware of that, however him flinging that idea into my face like I have not thought that same idea every day it’s hard for me to get out of bed doesn’t do any of us any good. Communication is a tricky thing, especially when you throw in anxiety and depression, but it’s still something that should be tried. When I bother to talk about my feelings and finally open up it is not because I want someone to suffer with me, it is not because I want to blame them for everything that has happened, is because I want to give them insight into how I’m thinking, and how I am constantly working toward unraveling those bad thoughts and turning them into good. I wish he and so many other people would understand that. Thank you RJ. Your words give me hope. I am sorry we both feel similar pain.

[@lourivas21]

"You don't have depression, you just don't have enough faith." From there, it's just a roller coaster ride of painful truths.

[@kyrilimbag2892]

We need pieces like these just to feel like we are understood, and not alone.

[@mystictalkingunicorn9030]

His emotions are so raw, it honestly gave me chills! Nice poetry!

[@erykalynn2456]

I FELT THIS

[@dawnwickenden4502]

my spirit needed to hear this today

[@JJ-yv7kt]

This is amazing and heartbreaking. Thank you for putting it out there.

[@dillonjamesallen5766]

I got to see this live!! This man was fantastic!!!

[@carlinhertz1220]

Experienced the same emotions and feeling. Thanks for sharing!

[@antoniomonteiroai]

Amazing information! Keep up with the videos, excited about observing even more of them

[@80yearsold23]

Wow. This made me cry.

[@PiinkPerfectionM8]

I just needed to watch this. Thank you RJ.

[@hyulariw3883]

Teared up a little.. in love with this poem. Thank you RJ.

[@Rami3z1]

This was powerful and full of emotion my heart hurts:(

[@emotionalpanda9223]

Wow I can feel the pain in his voice😢so beautiful❤

[@buryanimated1038]

I watch this every day lately.. so powerful bro.

[@recyclops229]

I periodically come back and re-watch this poem and it never disappoints. RJ has such a way with words.

[@bmercurybelfc]

this moved me so damn much. wow

[@jason7231]

I can relate to so much of this.

[@iamchrisatkin]

Now that’s a poem!

[@JuneFaramore]

You kill me every time man. Crying.

[@meeloweelo3796]

His voice is so powerful wow

[@microsofterror880]

This is so amazing. I love how he is able to put into words his own problems,and somehow touch the hearts of many

[@karenalves1156]

My Gosh, it was sooo intense! Definitely one of my favorite so far

[@-AGC-]

Great job RJ!!! Glad to see you getting a well deserved spotlight

[@angelsroman2166]

This hit too close to home. Thank you.

[@Viennaverse]

I fugging LOVE. all the words he said just now.

[@sierrablackwell6762]

Absolutely remarkable

[@soupenjoyer1289]

Then emotion in this gives me secondhand hurt. This is absolutely phenomenal

[@inaridefucc8904]

oh f*** this was so intense and genuine, raw, reckless in a sense truly the type of slam poetry I missed so much

[@kierstenv.8295]

I cannot express how much I love this poem 🖤

[@chloemonicaa]

chills.

[@alejajm1666]

It's amazing when poets get inspired by other poets. The buttons every piece of writing pushes in people and what we, with our different life stories, do about it. Thank you for this.

[@KC-vs7wp]

WOW. This is powerful.

[@unicornlover2659]

I want to cry every time I watch this.

[@coolcat5293]

Love this guy

[@glow862]

I loved every second!!!!!!

[@MhleliTenza]

This poem is awesome!!!!!!!!

[@shayshay7154]

This was so great

[@haileysukulele7939]

This hurt my everything and I hope this is not something kids hear often

[@Mr123qwe4]

Hailey's ukulele sadly, all my kid life, until i was kicked out at 21

[@haileysukulele7939]

I'm sorry ☹ I'm glad you got out of there ❤

[@bettyemachetetmi5005]

@@haileysukulele7939 Why I left as an emancipated minor at fifteen.

[@Mr123qwe4]

Hailey's ukulele yea but, it doesn’t stop them from trying to convince me that I’m not gay

[@Mr123qwe4]

Or even that Im depressed

[@mfinit]

You were inherited a sharp edge. You are the blade and are the wielder. Well done.

[@sara_daria2]

I know i love him already only from this poem and his shirt

[@samanthaperez2608]

This hit home so hard....

[@SxraSus]

*you are filled with determination*

[@sarayoussef6973]

RJ walker is something special

[@KandiBabyy]

This gave me chills all over my body...INCLUDING my entire soul....I’m truthfully at a loss for any other words right now.

[@kaylamarie2237]

without exaggeration, i've listened to this everyday since i've heard it. which was a few weeks ago. it's so beautiful.

[@Aleheart21]

Gracias por esta obra de arte...

[@pantrymonster]

Love the poem, love the shirt

[@sezisonic]

I relate to this on so many levels

[@NotHawkguy]

perfect follow up. thank you so much.

[@drinkzcoffee5183]

Thank you, sir.

[@annieyesiam2758]

that was amazing

[@75ScooterDude]

Wow. So powerful.

[@justthemiddlethanks8256]

This hit so close to home...

[@sunflowertrashcan]

Wow. First, I loooove the poem by Sabrina and it’s actually one of the first that drew me to spoken word. This was incredible and so relatable as a pastors kid who struggles with depression. Damn. Thank you. ...now I have to listen a few more times to really soak it all in.

[@ashainthecity1429]

Wow. Chills

[@vannasteel]

this is amazing.

[@lilyHussey]

I grew up in a very religious and strict household with a narcissistic mother and I have autism and adhd and her way of handling it was forcing exorcism at church and home and telling me I am possessed and a whole lot else I couldn't even begin to share ... this hit me hard

[@ramsay2234]

This is my new favourite KZbin channel.

[@obbadooba3453]

This is not only a GREAT poem but a great example of how successful "after poems" work; builds upon / is in conversation with the themes of the work that inspired it, without comprising (/plagiarizing) language and structure of the poem it's written after Really, really phenomal work

[@kaizhang5170]

This hits hard

[@rijune]

I can't help but notice his shirt. It's so perfect for this, and I know that DT is also something that keeps Frisk going throughout the game, because every time they get smacked down they are filled with more and more determination.

[@MK-gt7jt]

God, this is so good.

[@izzybellab6024]

i feel this. my mormon father’s immediate reaction to finding out about my depression was to tell me to go to church and read my scriptures

[@jasminetiller9712]

Holy...wow just wow! 😞💓

[@mphonthungeni4571]

love you poem guy

[@jenniferbarrios2099]

amazing!

[@enkerr73]

I relate to this so much. Growing up catholic and my family not understanding

[@heidiwalsh2889]

Just..........wow.