Gaslighting By What Is NOT Said. Invisible Gaslighters.

Ross continues to break new ground with his discoveries about gaslighting, primarily how pathological narcissists use it against their self-love deficient (codependent) victims. While reflecting on his childhood, Ross discovered that gaslighting narratives can be implanted by what someone neglects to say, withholds, or purposely deprives a person of. More information about his contributions on the subject of gaslighting can be found below.
Everything You Need To Know About Gaslighting: Groundbreaking Information: shorturl.at/FI026
ABOUT ROSS ROSENBERG
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness, and celebrated author. He is also a global thought leader and clinical expert in codependency, trauma, pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and addictions.
Ross's pioneering codependency contributions are responsible for the sweeping theoretical and practical updates and developing a treatment program that permanently resolves it.
Ross has been featured on national TV and radio and is a regular radio and podcast guest. In addition, he has traveled the world, giving his one-of-a-kind keynote presentations and educational workshops.
His global impact is best illustrated by his KZbin channel with 23 million views and 260,000 subscribers and the sale of 155,000 Human Magnet Syndrome books published in 12 languages.
In 2013, Ross created The Self-Love Recovery Institute, a hub for his personal development, workshops, professional training, retreats, other programs, and services. Learn more at www.SelfLoveRecovery.com.
Facebook.com/TheCodependencyCure)
Instagram (@rossrosenberg_slri)
Twitter (@RossRosenberg1)
and now…TikTok! (@RossRosenberg1)

[@Lyrielonwind]

It's like when someone tells you they never called you stupid but they always treated you like if you were.

[@still_healing_survivor]

This describes my marriage, he treated me like I was stupid 😳

[@VladaldTrumptin]

Yeah. This really has physically injured my stomach I think. You end up getting IBS/ulcers

[@Lyrielonwind]

@@VladaldTrumptin I had IBS and it stopped when I got rid of many toxic people. We are not taught to listen to our body and it's our body what point to toxic people first, even when our minds can't grasp why since they apparently didn't do anything to us to avoid them. Instincts are our alarm system and it has a wide range of symptoms: cardiovascular, gastrointestinal, skin...even changes of temperature or goosebumps.

[@DeathToWinsteads]

"I don't know what you're talking about, Willis?!"--Arnold

[@KL-zg7lu]

Oh... Someone was referring to me as a person they knew who was intellectually impacted, only to find out I have an exceptionally high IQ, and simply don't like them. If someone is being stupid, I'll tell them I think they are being stupid.

[@jorgemoro6367]

Its never too late to be the person you were meant to be

[@coffeegirl6854]

They know what they are doing. They know exactly.

[@ranc1977]

Coercive control.

[@warrenbradford2597]

I have been gaslighted by my narcissistic mother, sister, and the former's side of the family. I will utilize the concept of what is not said to identify more gaslighting happening in my life. Thank you, Dr. Rosenberg!

[@stickylolly]

I also had the same mother and sister as you, I've never heard of someone else, it's a hideous situation.... Be happy and loved ❤

[@ArchAngel435]

Mother and her sister. I was the golden child. Ended up marrying a borderline with severe narcissism, and primary carer to my parents till they passed. My beautiful daughters are suffering generational traumas. Thankfully through such videos I'm learning how to help them heal, by healing myself first

[@LiveFree123]

This makes so much sense to me. This was my marriage and how our 4 children grew up. I’m so happy to be free and 3 of my children are free as well. I’ll be sharing this with them. Thanks so much, Ross. 💙

[@Taniapin43]

❤❤❤

[@mverderaime]

"Too big for your britches"...one of my mothers many phrases I heard so many times...along with "you need to come down a few pegs!"...she was a high school drop out..but a smart woman. I was an overachiever...straight A's...president of student government...president german national honor fraternity..etc....she used it to brag to her friends...but despised me for being better academically than she.

[@joannahediger7820]

This is familiar to me. It was terribly confusing and made me furious and sadly ashamed to hear my N mother bragging about me in public and belittling the same things about me to my face and even my friends and later colleagues. I developed a shame of anything my mother used for her self-aggrandizement and ended up hiding the talents that bring me joy because she’d tainted them and also to try to deprive her of the ability to feed herself on me. Very painful and frustrating. Maybe some of this sounds familiar. I wish you well and good luck!

[@suzymagan7575]

Thank you so much for including the things not said. It's a strange withholding I will never understand.

[@amiraezz204]

This idea never crossed my mind. Thanks for making this clear. While watching the video I remembered many situations where I was pushed to believe that I don't deserve validation because my parents hadn't seen my success exciting.

[@ranc1977]

Another word/concept is Coercive control. And in some states it is criminal offense. Google it.

[@hellohello2024]

SAME! Story of my life lol the reaction of my parents to everything I was excited about ruined all motivation I felt. Like night and day difference. Ready to go imagining the future & beyond excited about it erased completely. It took me 30 years to consciously notice this. I always thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to follow through on my ideas. I eventtualllly realized how that happened. Still working on it 😢, it’s hard to keep my mouth shut when I’m excited about something even now that I know what always happens. That eternal hope for hope- I’ve gotta quash it each& every time i feel it lol. It’s sad our parents didn’t share our excitement. Sad in that moment with the loss of potential- more with every idea gone to waste. Made me feel like a failure and accept a pattern of behavior where I lose all drive and want to reach the goals I set and once wanted to reach baddddly. It’s wild how much clicks into place once I realized that seemingly small things impact on my whole life

[@marciestoddard730]

@hellohello2024 i feel like i couldve written this! Do you have any books or resources you can recommend because it sounds like exactly what i just realized about my life and my lack of follow through/reluctance to share my life with others.

[@amiraezz204]

@@marciestoddard730 Well, I'm not a 'reader' person.

[@IngaCombs]

When they take something that wasn't really anything or just come up with some bs to gaslight us. This is much bigger and insidious then most people realise. I was fully gaslit to believe terrible things about myself, programmed to be a scapegoat, to believe I was worthless, couldnt do anything. And a lot more...

[@Lyrielonwind]

We, scapegoats have our own identity but it is buried under multiple layers of others rubbish.

[@c3909]

@@Lyrielonwind you couldn't have said it better!! That's why we need to get away from them forever, so we can finally get to know who we are ❤️❤️ your true self was always there buried, waiting for you, for us to get it out! God bless you 💓

[@midnightblue3226]

If you can survive growing up with a narcissistic mother and still be loving and compassionate YOU ARE A HERO ❤❤❤

[@myuyenful]

you just taught me about my deepest pain, doctor, i finally know the reason why i keep falling for emotional unavailable people

[@misssaltynuts2512]

I remember mothers day stalls at school and we could buy something to take home for mum. Everytime, I tried my hardest to get something she would like and everytime she would say why did you waste your money on that or why do i need that or just saying the word lovely while screwing her nose in disgust.

[@emmysue5414]

Ross, this one of your best KZbin presentations ever, especially since it hasn’t been well known info. Since I’m the Narcissist magnet, the material here is crucial for me to know. I will work on my recovery programs until my time is up on this planet. When I was younger, I was the kid in the family who tied myself up into a pretzel to “get everything right” so I would please my mother. My younger brother and sister were totally opposite. Both moved out of my mother’s house before they graduated high school. I continued being The Good Little Girl, trying to do everything my mother wanted. I work multiple 12 step programs and inventories in order to get clear on my part/not my part in this family stew. So I’m especially grateful that I have this video to add to my library. In writing this response, I got clear on yet another dynamic that had been hidden until now.

[@francesmowat4472]

Exactly the damage of what's not said and done is the epitome of covert behaviour. Thanks for this, I can relate and that brings me some peace.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

Golden child with empathy, I was the helper, fixer parent confidant...you just explained my experience...almost to a tee.

[@rainymatt487]

Im so glad this channel found me Im having a breakthrough from listening to your content on codependency. I realized that my mother was emotionally unavailable for me when i was child, and that what was not said was the actual gaslighting. Im also Married to a Covert Narcissist this is the best information ive run across on this topic..its what i needed to hear..phenomenal information.

[@anonymousprivate6814]

Absolutley brilliant explanation! I was thinking the whole time about my relationship with my father and his pain and insecurity and how I spent about 30 years being attracted to the kind of men that would repulse me now! I am almost 50, had severe mental health problems since before teens and also autistic (late diagnosed). Thank you Ross, your videos help so much.

[@lexiwest2644]

Wow!!!! This is one of the ways the man Ive been married to for 23years, has gaslit me! I couldn’t figure it out- but this IS IT, exactly!!!! Thank you.

[@emitch9213]

Very sad and helpful to learn. An interior emotional psyche severely damaged within the child by the very parental responsibility is an overwhelming tragedy of trauma identity. The child within an adult that is a tremendous work of therapy and safe recovery. Thank you, Dr. Rosenberg.

[@LadyLuck8_4]

I keep second guessing if I was. My friend said I was ok ‘most of the time’ . I admitted to him I’d never live up as good as he was, I’d put myself down but he’d say nothing. He didn’t like most of my friends due to their social status but tried very hard to matchmake me with his friends, including in a romantic way. He was a massive hint dropper, indirect communication, moved the goal posts and softly said he had codependency issues, he indirectly admitted he was controlling by saying we both were (aka me having strong albeit rigid boundaries) and looked down on people due to say mental health issues. Didn’t like me asserting my boundaries - he was a huge deflector. I still do not know if he was a communal/inverted/altruistic narcissist or an active codependent. He had 2 sides to him and if you tried to hold him accountable, he’d play the other side of himself, extremely difficult to explain tbh. Maybe it’s me but I didn’t like a lot of things about him early on but excused them because he is a ‘nice and selfless’ person. But then he’d alternately do things contrary to that. Its completely messed my head up tbh and still haven’t recovered

[@tinacutright1679]

I wish you peace of mind and sanity. I wish you the best. My heart goes out to you. You are beautiful human and deserve better. Hang in there and get the education of what is happening so you can grow in the right direction.

[@t_nels]

WOW! I've seen this! We had a large family. My parents did this with our children. They put on a play and they received no reaction from their grandparents I can think of another time when older we held a bake off in which they all make desserts based on what they thought others would like. They made amazing desserts and very specific and received no acknowledgment from their grandmother.

[@juliechurch1799]

You did it again. Came up with these wonderful videos to explain ! Well done !

[@lienlael3196]

Clear as pure water. Thank you ❤

[@southernbellerising]

Thank you Dr. Rosenberg. Yes, such great insight. I actually experienced patronizing-like affirmations & compliments. It was very confusing all my life until I educated myself. Very confusing for a child to be praised but in a mocking tone and smirking in a joking manner, mixed in with occasional seemingly genuine encouragement. I’m just so grateful for everything I’ve learned on this topic. I really appreciate your efforts!

[@lee-anndixon6960]

My mother never said anything when I would come home with good grades. She wanted nothing to do with me

[@MsVivian99]

Amazing . This is one eye opener.

[@Savanna4318]

My Dad was my "Teacher" because I was homeschooled. Classes were an online program and I basically taught myself. Boy did he love telling people he was my teacher. Maybe he would have reacted this way if I went to public school. I was a B student but he wouldn't have gotten to "teach" me

[@traxikscifi8105]

Brilliant, i found out my parents were my worst enimies, told them off (severly 😂) and never looked back... i found my lost child and now we are best friends ❤, i love myself 😊

[@michignamymichigan]

This makes it difficult to be seen by anyone else, for this treatment is what made me. It was very covert. They counted on me not being seen by others. They kept me on a leash. Try to leave and the foot goes onto the neck. 😢

[@NiceMan-mi5po]

But you are handsome and smart, but most importantly... kind! Sending you love from a guy who was raised in a cult. You have really helped me study my childhood, thank you so much.

[@lindsay5305]

Hi Ross. I would like to add that the N parent can NOT say positive things, AND they can NOT challenge self doubts in their target child. For instance I had self doubts growing up but N parent purposely let me believe that, when they should have helped me see I was ok. Just a variation on what you said.

[@ranc1977]

Narcissists live in delusional fantasy make up world that borders with schizophrenia. They really make up their own rules how to harm other people.

[@AG-nn8lp]

Nah, my mom did say nice things but talk bad behind all her kids backs except one...who made nothing of himself. The golden child

[@ranc1977]

@@AG-nn8lp " my mom did say nice things " Which is delusional. Narcissists live in a snapshot of reality (Vaknin/Grannon). Narcissists are extremely nice and pleasant when things go their way and when the other person is fond of their snapshot of reality and when there is no criticism of their delusional perception of reality. This is why they will appear as extremely charming and nice to the third parties, outside of families. In the public they will appear as empathic, and nice. We seen this in Joan Crawford career and biography movie Mommie Dearest. Two of her eldest children went through hell with her, while her 2 other children did not support the story of Christina. The golden children received the money after her death. Christina received nada because Joan knew that Christina will talk about what happened.

[@Angie-by6je]

When I came out all glammed up (I mean Marilyn Monroe glam!) for NYE and he looked at me and said nothing but “how do I look!”. Just a small example of MANY MANY MANY!

[@pattia728]

Well, this explains why all of my kids made a big deal about Father's Day (narcissistic father), but seldom acknowledge me- the parent who helped with homework, took them on bike rides, etc. They were trying to get affirmation from him. Now I get it. Thanks

[@xenatron9056]

I have often felt that it was the indifference that was harder to deal with more than actual attacks.

[@seabreeze8894]

This is exactly what I experienced, and it worked!! Thank you for this video, Dr. Rosenberg, and I’m glad you now know that you’re very handsome!😊

[@ranc1977]

"To define gaslighting: is severe mental health condition in which a person identifies with a serious problem, a debilitating problem, characteristics, limitations, that they never had but because a narcissist systematically manipulated their environment they were able to prove to this victim (gaslit self deficit codependent) that they really are this person who is severely limited by this problem. They become problem, person is debilitated." This applies to ableist CBT which is telling socially anxious traumatized targets of abuse and bullying that they are hallucinating social anxiety, that toxic people do not exist. That is what neurotypical DSM is doing to neurodivergents: where autism and ADHD is depicted as abnormality and disorder.

[@cullensmack]

“ This is going to feel like having your temperature taken.”

[@nancybartley4610]

Is the withholding always deliberate? Isn't it possible that the withholder just doesn't know how to give. Maybe they just know how to provide basics and don't know kids need to hear/feel they are are loved and wanted? My mother provided food, clothing but seemed totally without interest in me. She came out of abject poverty and gave the material things she didn't have. I don't think she ever saw kids as a source of joy. She was a burden to her parents and saw her kids in that same light.

[@mamadoom9724]

I wonder if the withholding is always deliberate too. I even wonder about the gaslighting. When I call my husband out on these things he swears it was unintentional.

[@nancybartley4610]

@@mamadoom9724 It makes healing/moving on harder. We want to be fair. We are not the only ones suffering. I always wonder what did I not do or what things did I do because I didn't have the input earlier in life to to know how to be the best person I can be. Maybe we are too hard on others and ourselves. People could criticize me for the same things I'm criticizing them for.

[@menarussell]

Right. I believe many people simply didn't have good role models in their lives and childhoods. They were not taught. They didn't know they needed to learn to be different from their own childhood experiences. They didn't know what to do and not to do especially regarding emotional support. I'm still examining my own childhood since my grandparents raised me. My aunts helped some. But, they went to university which faded out a lot of their help since they were not as present daily. I now recognize the aunt I idolized as a child, turned into a narcissist. Go figure. She and I do not get along well and I realized why about 11 years ago. It finally made sense after all those years. She never respected me. She was a victim of being picked on from childhood to college because she was short. Well, I'm short, too. But, I don't have the same issues. I respect people. Her childhood was very different from mine. Her reactions were different. I never felt bad about being short. I owned it and joined in on the jokes. I made it fun and laughed with my friends. I have issues. But my size definitely isn't one. I was encouraged to be whatever I wanted to be. My aunt was like a second mother. So, when I listen to content, I always include her in the info regarding our parents. She had a huge impact in positive and negative ways. They all had pros and cons in how they affected me. It's interesting because I can correctly remember many benefits and negative effects from all the surrounding adults in my life. There wasn't a completely negative person in the group. My grands did the best they could in most ways. But they made mistakes. My gm made some deliberately bad decisions. She was more narcissistic. My gf was the codependent in that relationship. I always refer to him as a cupcake. He was very passive. She made the rules and even he joked that she wore the pants in the family. He loved telling people, "You can't fight city hall. But Roni did." She did and won! I'm thankful for her strengths and teaching me to be strong and independent. It made a huge difference. I never realized growing up how submissive so many females are. Many men are, too. I know from experience. But, wow, women were not taught to stand up and get things done in my generation apparently. They had to learn it later in life it seems. I'm 54. Maybe this is just my perspective. Either way, I agree. Some parents don't intentionally do everything, right or wrong.

[@LEM19284]

This came by way of my soon to be ex husband. As a child, I had none of this from either parent. My father gave me my confidence and my mother supported and cheered me on with everything. I am a twin and one of four siblings. It was the 21 year old man I married at 22 years of young adulthood (wet behind the ears) who took the silence and disregard and dismissal of me to shape me and try and destroy who God created me to be. All while living a double life of cheating on me the entire 30 years I was with him. Turns out. I was open as a book (issue #1), doing what I thought was legacy work and building the best dynasty utilizing my motherhood, graduate education, professional career, selflessness, self esteem, and physicality. Nope! He married me for the military stipend and to secretly compete against me. Turns out. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@brit8802]

Whoa, you just described me. I don’t think my husband cheats and I’m not in the military, but the other things I’m sure are just like me. Man, I feel your pain, 21 years for me and just figuring it out because I knew who I was and what was right and my knowledge in good things would see us through. I have been mistaken. I wish I’d heard this years ago, but so much happens like kids, and well you know 😊. Thanks for sharing my story, makes me feel connected to you and it feels good.

[@brit8802]

your story ❤️

[@ZhekaTrololo]

It's an abuse by omission? Form of neglect?

[@Lyrielonwind]

Yes, it is. Think of someone who is always doing favours to others but they never get a smile, a thank you and they complain because is not enough or say you could have done better. Is it abusive?

[@ranc1977]

@@Lyrielonwind "It's an abuse by omission? Form of neglect?" "" Is it abusive?" Guys, this is coercive control. Please educate yourself about narcissistic abuse. Coercive control is the core at the psychopathic minds to exploit and hurt other people. Without education we will be farmed by predators. Kind, nice, empathic people - we are like chicken meat to wolves. They will devour us. Our only legal and sane method to be safe is education so that we cut them out , by recognizing them behind their fake masks that they wear all the time to attract us.

[@Albatrosspro1]

I’m still not clear on the interaction between narcissism and gaslighting. Are there really narcissists who do not gaslight? I’ve heard yes, but it’s hard for me to imagine.

[@ranc1977]

Coercive control. They use it to manipulate and harm their targets, narcissistic supply.

[@anneboulton8717]

It sounds like withholding!

[@izawaniek2568]

I loved this video. Brilliant. You are not the person you thought you were, but you were gaslighted into believing a false made-up narrative about you which made you easy and vulnerable to be freely exploited by a parasitic person or people who are sociopathic or psychopathic because they had known from the beginning what they were doing. Evil at work. Thank you for this extremely important and supportive video about gaslighting by either words or withholding praise or approval which is very common among predatory, exploitative and dangerous individuals.

[@Treetakk]

It drove me mad. Miraculously I recovered. Would love to check out your work!

[@northpole4592]

I am sorry these videos make me want to vomit. They are so correct. Thank so much for reassurance of what I know only since some Time. At 14 I knew I had to leave, but only now I know it is so damaging and dangerous having contact (even light contact) with those narc assholes...

[@leticiamilo4387]

Thanks for sharing this video!❤⚘ Learning with your teachings!😊

[@kharyn21]

Wow that was so validating I listened twice.

[@Vic-jw7vb]

What about - Martyr narcissists are individuals who appear to excessively sacrifice themselves for others while expecting admiration and gratitude in return

[@user-jm6ds5dz3t]

You’re amazing Ross humbly simply (it’s) disgusting isn’t it ‘How ‘how’ is the question ANYONE conceptually be this 🤷🏻‍♂️ do that 🤷🏻‍♂️ act like this .. terrorizing

[@mac-ju5ot]

It's a common tactic .I've realized this for years only wish I had more money to get my masters

[@christineplaton3048]

Oh Ross you are so good. Yes. Covert use various methods.

[@Patricia_Stewart337]

Great insights

[@dgjosephf6915]

Hello ross, im an adult man who struggles with my mental health. I have periods when things are going great, but i also have bad periods. Every time im in a bad period, my narsisstic mother notices this and covertly tries to make me feel even worse. Things she will do is setting some of my family members against me, taunting me in such a way that is it invicible to other people, pyshing my weak spots and exposing insecurities. Every time this happens i feel stuck, because i dont what to do. Do you have any tips?

[@FaithfulandTrue949]

😭😭😢😢😭😭😭❤🙏thank you

[@lamidom]

Exactly.

[@Patricia_Stewart337]

My younger sister was the golden child. StraightA’s. Etc. She died 30 years ago.

[@fightswithspirits915]

just ordered your book...thanks. In HS a teacher wanted the class to write a paper on how parents love their children equally. I wrote about how that was absolutely false and that kids are treated differently. Got an F. and...OMG!! This explains why mom kissed me then slapped me until a accepted the kiss. I was 16. She thought she won. I just didn't want her to kiss my lips anymore, so accepted the last kiss. At the time, I didn't even think much of that scenario. By then I was already long gone. NB: You are handsome and beyond smart.

[@taraarrington2285]

I got straight A's until about 10 or 11 and nobody helped me 🤷

[@rickturnr]

Neglect is gaslighting

[@vaughnrees8908]

If you're going to talk about gaslighting, then you should have begun with your definition of gaslighting.

[@ranc1977]

@@michaelbere2304 ...err it is clearly stated in the video. "To define gaslighting: is severe mental health condition in which a person identifies with a serious problem, a debilitating problem, characteristics, limitations, that they never had but because a narcissist systematically manipulated their environment they were able to prove to this victim (gaslit self deficit codependent) that they really are this person who is severely limited by this problem. They become problem, person is debilitated."

[@steevo8754]

It’s stated right in the video

[@mahariwoldu]

It is easy to blame. All what you doing is blaming someone for the problems people have. Instead of dueling on blaming others and creating more rifts between families, maybe you should create closeness. I guess you doing this to sell a book. What a terrible way to do it.

[@teddyber6337]

Mix contents,, I think you mix that everyone is humans mistakes are inevitable in circumstances more when situations are complex, you have generations divergences past present future and you forget so blind fully to take parents or others in accounts their rights to their preferences, lives etc + works, duties and others as many it can be in accounts which brings a lots of bias so isolating your patient with a ver partial restrictive solution. Also parasite as called in real life are benefiting their hosts in exchange of what they need so it's analogical to work in a industry. I don't know if you have gas stove in America but if yes you need some gas to light it up for essential things it's a very reasonable comparable... And it's sure that if the beneficiaries burn the whole apartment down because they decided to inale instead of, they will suffer in the end their own misjudgements metaphorically equitably reasonable also !

[@ranc1977]

Word salad orgy here. Paradoxically it is a Form of gaslighting.

[@jamesrutter4100]

My little brother the narcs rat fink, / golden boy/ weasel.