Narcissists and Icebergs: What You Don't See WILL Hurt You!

In this video, Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, introduces his "Iceberg Hypothesis," which uses an iceberg as a metaphor for a pathological narcissist. Like narcissists, an iceberg only shows a small portion of itself on the surface, while hiding most of itself beneath the water.
Narcissists, especially covert narcissists or someone with antisocial personality disorder (sociopath), often portray themselves as kind, respectful, giving, and loving on the "surface," but in reality, they are hiding the dark, controlling, selfish and angry side of themselves "beneath the water."
ABOUT ROSS ROSENBERG
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness, and celebrated author. He is also a global thought leader and clinical expert in codependency, trauma, pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and addictions.
Ross's pioneering codependency contributions are responsible for the sweeping theoretical and practical updates and developing a treatment program that permanently resolves it.
Ross has been featured on national TV and radio and is a regular radio and podcast guest. In addition, he has traveled the world, giving his one-of-a-kind keynote presentations and educational workshops.
His global impact is best illustrated by his KZbin channel with 23 million views and 260,000 subscribers and the sale of 155,000 Human Magnet Syndrome books published in 12 languages.
In 2013, Ross created The Self-Love Recovery Institute, a hub for his personal development, workshops, professional training, retreats, other programs, and services. Learn more at www.SelfLoveRecovery.com.
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Twitter (@RossRosenberg1)
and now…TikTok! (@RossRosenberg1)

[@sheiladay-od2me]

This analogy is perfect between narcissists and icebergs. What you cannot see can destroy you.

[@womanofgod2199]

Trust your gut instincts when you encounter people. It will always warn you. Your gut instinct (spirit) knows before your brain does

[@lilfairycupcake]

the gut is a very powerful tool.

[@tank6000]

💯

[@DrPhilGoode]

Unfortunately it doesn’t if you aren’t healthy. That’s kinda how all this works. If you grew up with toxic parents etc those instincts are usually gone by adulthood. Professional help is needed to regain them.

[@lilfairycupcake]

@@DrPhilGoode i had a crappy toxic childhood. what i took away from it was knowing right, from wrong, and not repeating the wrongs. no help needed, just some common sense.

[@DrPhilGoode]

@@lilfairycupcake if that was how it all worked than that be great. Unfortunately it’s not. To say that attachments style or cluster b disorders in parental figures don’t matter since you got good ole common sense? You need to go be a prodigy somewhere so gods special gift can blossom more.

[@sophiarevel6952]

Such a great analogy! It brought down the Titanic. They were all convinced that the Titanic couldn't sink. We also should be careful because these people are cunning enough to bring us down.

[@LoneStarLady-]

You just described my soon to be ex husband to a tee. He has mastered the art of crafting his social appearance to look like the good husband, father, pillar of the church, and all around great guy. I’ve been fooled one too many times by the “let’s get therapy “ “my childhood was so bad and I’m a victim so it’s not my fault I treated you and the kids like s*#t” “look how much I’ve changed” when caught having numerous affairs. Realizing how emotionally and physically checked out of the family he really was and that I was in love with an illusion has been a difficult process, a hero’s journey for me and the kids. We are ready to be victors not victims.

[@lilfairycupcake]

everything about them is a farce; they live a eternal lie. "im a victim, and its not my fault" my ass. it is 100% their fault, they know exactly what they are doing at all times. "look how much ive changed" pfffffffffffffff, they never change. education is your friend, the more you know, the more you understand. your husband, and anyone like him are toxic. completely eliminating him from your life is your best bet. no contact = no control.

[@aneeka7]

Same boat, relatable completely

[@lilfairycupcake]

they are all basically the same, operating on the same agenda.@@aneeka7

[@sleekmodernchic]

Thank you Ross! I've been on a 2 year healing journey. I intially scoffed at your self love deficit hypothesis, but it's completely correct. I started putting my needs first, and kids next, and "x-ed" the narcissist off my list entirely. I feel like the version of myself I wanted to be when I was a child. I've lost weight, and set new goals for myself. You've changed my life! Thank you!

[@marsharowaihy6725]

This man is a genius to codependency

[@warrenbradford2597]

I need to use the iceberg hypothesis to set more boundaries and protect myself from further harm from the narcissists in my life. I don’t want to get caught off guard from their unforeseen attacks and confuse me more just to control me more.

[@juliechurch1799]

Ditto me to

[@marsharowaihy6725]

Right! Know exactly what you mean

[@littlelucki777]

Through one's own challenges with addiction one worked out that addiction is internal narcissistic abuse caused by external narcissistic abuse because all abuse is narcissistic.

[@r.c.k.6403]

That's some deep stuff right there. I'm so broken and tired.

[@littlelucki777]

@@r.c.k.6403 Fasting will bring your energy back, you are not broken, all the abusers were there for youto trigger your awakening, as with all empaths. Your life is for your souls evolution through experience, lots of love to you hunni.

[@nickieglazer33]

Love, love, love your comment. That is how I feel. Thank you 🙏🏻 for sharing my friend.

[@littlelucki777]

@@nickieglazer33 You are most welcome sweetheart.

[@littlelucki777]

@@nickieglazer33 It is in sharing the truth that the truth shall set us free.

[@sheiladay-od2me]

The Human Magnet Syndrome is an incredibly informative, revealing book.

[@sandie683]

Thank you for explaining so well. This sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. So sad to have experienced his BDP, covert narcissism and manipulation which still traumatizes me.

[@msilvaoregon]

I think living in a home of untreated alcoholism is so damaging to the entire family. It cause others to get sucked into a very destructive dynamic to each other. Suffering or being a participant in your own sld mental illness can kill a person as much as alcohol or drugs kills an addict. I have been attracted to these types but recognize I do not want to continually be involved in their 12 step healing. I used to think a person had to do this but now I believe being able to recognize the dark triads or personalities I can steer clear. For me friendships and sharing things about me take alot longer. I do notice more and hear more after getting away from this trap. I do spend more time alone. I'm older now and it seems harder to be social. I just don't have the energy I used to have. The younger you set boundaries or steer clear of these personalities in life, your life will be much better. Thank you Doc for sharing this knowledge in this format. It is a blessing and you help many with your kindness and generosity. Thank you for the healing.

[@actionpls.]

She was the iceberg, I was the titanic. Great analogy. Hell, I never say it coming.

[@margaretmironowicz3072]

Gosh, those are great song lines, especially "Hell, I never saw it coming"!

[@margaretmironowicz3072]

@@actionpls. Okay. Next line, you belting this out: This is a man's song, A place where we all belong, No room for you, baby, You're not my kind of lady! .Okay, now you go.

[@margaretmironowicz3072]

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Just for a nanosecond, a wild outrage came over me about all of this. Just forget my retro dumb lines, eh?

[@atanasstoilov421]

Great work. Greetings!

[@ladyvirgo013]

I have been married to this for 12 years. I had no realization just how disturbing it was until he discarded me. Brutal. I'm in counseling & he's shacked up with the secretary from his work

[@lilfairycupcake]

as harsh as this my sound he did u a grand favor. now you have to completely remove him from your life. please educate yourself, the more you know, the more you understand.

[@ladyvirgo013]

@lilfairycupcake it's harsh but truth. I will proceed in my healing after the divorce is final and his shit is out of this house

[@lilfairycupcake]

@@ladyvirgo013 you will be fine. time heals all.

[@kathrynpearse3245]

Congratulations, You are very Blessed to have this happen to You.

[@annastone5624]

It’s really tough hearing descriptions of a poor job record as evidence of toxicity.. As someone who has been a victim of these people in the workplace.. many of whom have stellar job histories..and crucify the people who work for them

[@benruffo1197]

They are like rocks hidden below the surface... Jude (1;12)

[@komitaskomitaskomitas]

8:45 totally!! My coworker does these types of things, leaving childrens books on a table in his cubicle thats visible to everybody that walks by.

[@annastone5624]

Really helpful iceberg analogy! Thanks so much Ross 💖

[@NeldaVermaak]

Met a friend at a guesthouse.I was unsure.Later the management chased her out.Someone had found out she was a murderer who had come out of jail.

[@katthompson3852]

Brilliant analogy! Extensive concise objective application. Thank you and Good morning from New Zealand.

[@MrLamar52]

Thank you Dr Rosenberg This is absolute gold!!! Taking a complex topic and breaking it down using the visual analogy of an iceberg really encourages people to look beyond what’s being presented on the surface when interacting with other people.

[@frohsmohswainaksfst]

Thank you so much for your explanation of this phenomenon of untruthful behaviour in certain people which I spent so many hours to grasp but which seemed quite ungraspable. It makes total sense the way you see it. It is about addiction. And addiction can be anything.

[@trishg8852]

Thank you Dr. Ross! 💯 💯💯 I found this very helpful!!!

[@mariamorgan8447]

We only see the tip of the iceberg.

[@ozzielee9058]

Just discovered your channel. This so resonated with me. Thanks so much. Keep up the great work(s.)

[@Rys12.3-4_5]

Thank you 😍 We have to ask ourselves is this the whole person or is this what they can't hide or what they're only willing to show in order to hide .

[@kari00zz]

Thank you!

[@ranc1977]

Incredibly deep content. Unfortunately most people are not educated in Freud nor Jung so they do not really understand concepts discussed here and how it is related to their own life and their social ambient. It will appear as abstract and non-relatable to most people. Most people without psychological education will fail to connect these dots: that our instinct gut feeling and common sense which appear as panic and social anxiety inside us, which CBT explains away as "cognitive distortion(s)", "hallucination(s)" and "false description" - is actually picking up the signals which are covert and hidden by toxic abusers /predators. We are having x-ray radar sonar and actually see iceberg parts hidden under water - which most people will never see, nor perceive and gaslight us into being hysterical for reacting to seeing the hidden evil. Another interesting and deep content here is difference between narcissists and victims/targets of narcissism. They will both appear the same to the third party. Both narcissists and victims of narcissism will be isolated, without friends and with difficulty to have job - and both will have hard time with criticism at job or daily activities. However there is difference which is not observable to an untrained eye- narcissists are extremely vocal and they blame others a lot. Those who are targets of narcissism on the other hand will be mostly silent, self censor themselves. Unlike predators, they will be extremely focused on finding win-win solutions and resolutions - while narcissists are preoccupied in harming someone who bothers them in any way possible (gossip, verbal abuse, violence). Also - the difference is in how victims of narcissists will react to tips and advice to blame others as a discovery, and it will appear as some miracle hack that is totally new (and it is radical solution for empaths since being evil to others in smallest amount is not in their genes) - while on the other hand narcissists will not react to it, since they are already having the mentality of projecting and blaming others since childhood. I'm talking about tips like "it's really not your fault". "You did your best, others are not so conscientious as you, others could help you, "You are allowed to make mistakes and be imperfect" etc).

[@juliechurch1799]

That's true .us empathy are caring and kind .narcs can pretend but you feel it's shallow .not real kindness like can feel being manipulating ?

[@ranc1977]

​@@juliechurch1799 When we have empathy - it means that we are naturally considerate and feel other people and help them. In childhood this ability stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse early on and alcoholic abuse. This means - we will have high signal alarms that we will detect even smallest amounts of narcissism in other people - even the healthy amount of narcissism will trigger our alarms. Problem starts when and if we self pathologize these signals and alarms. CBT - this means 90 percent of self help books and online resources will join into self hysteria - and explain our alarms as fears - something that is broken inside us, that we are weak for feeling panic and fear and sensations of dread. We need to understand that we are not broken and that it is natural thing inside us to detect predators - which are almost always hidden, covert - and they appear as normal, healthy and sane to the most people. We really need to start to trust our gut instinct - no matter what conformist society will label us as snowflakes and other toxic shaming labels.

[@RossRosenberg]

The video has nothing to do with Freud or Jungian psychology. But the iceberg could be a metaphor for unconscious impulses. It also could be used to represent trauma and that which is dissociated from the human mind.

[@ranc1977]

@@RossRosenberg Yes. Iceberg allegory is excellent one to explain the human mind. As we learn more data about Titan tragedy - we learn that under the deep pressure there are certain reactions which are trauma: there is compression, there is implosion, there is sudden high temperature. These are all found in psychology of trauma, too. The Titan itself - made from carbon - it is clear allegory for anyone growing up in alcoholic abuse - where our materiel shield was controlled and manipulated by someone narcissistic like Stockton. Now later in life - when we go into depth- our shield starts to crack - as carbon is bad material for submersibles, too. On the other hand, those who were lucky to have parent figures like Cameron - have their shield material made from titanium - which can withstand the deep pressure. This is clear allegory of functional homes which did not experience alcoholic abuse dysfunction.

[@nickieglazer33]

@@ranc1977nderful insight. I agree about Jung & Freud. Society is deeply programmed. Cult-ure is just that. Many different cults masquerading as one society. Much is hidden in plain sight, for those with eyes to see and ears to hear. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏻 The comments are often more enlightening than the content provider. No disrespect to Ross of course, as he has brought much to the table. Just my humble opinion.

[@steevo8754]

Excellent 👍

[@SherryWilson-dk7bo]

Thank you for the information and wisdom. ❤🙏

[@KarenMazzola-q5r]

Thanks 🙏

[@RossRosenberg]

You’re welcome 😊

[@mymiracle79]

Great video

[@debimary6812]

Heres my spin on it! The ex tip of the iceberg floated onto my shore. In time realizing there was more to it than what I was seeing. Dived down deep and made the shocking discovery. Almost blew it out of the water but my torpedoes failed me.😢 off its floated again and landed on a different shore.😮

[@michignamymichigan]

Thanks.

[@meloneymoore8856]

Thank you for exposing this 😇😇😇-Xclusyph Icon

[@MarleyLeMar]

Dr Rosenberg - How does therapy connect with the client’s spiritual nature for healing and wholeness? Do you believe it’s necessary? What is your approach?

[@aprilrushing2646]

I may need to rewatch that video I unmasked a narcissist.

[@nv_chino]

The sociopath and psychopath side of the narcissist? Yea

[@DrPhilGoode]

Socio and psycho are related to APD. But narcissism runs through all of it.

[@fahimshahriyar2494]

​@@DrPhilGoodewhat's full form of APD

[@hugmc]

You can’t can a fish 🎣 without bait the life off a narcissist and we codependency people make the perfect bait 😮

[@juliechurch1799]

Is the theory same as follow your gut instinct?the ice burg .do we base it on feelings ?sorry f stupid question.i enjoyed the vid

[@RossRosenberg]

Only when your instinct can be trusted

[@margaretmironowicz3072]

@@RossRosenberg My God, this is so important. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for the clarity of your video!!!!!

[@nabilaelmerabet5713]

@@RossRosenberg I think instinct can always be trusted. It’s all the introjections that we assume are our instinct that cannot always be trusted.

[@onelife7247]

11:34 ✅