How To Deal With Bullying As An Adult On The Dance Scene - Dance With Rasa

[@andreaglowig5844]

I don't know if all of these things count as bullying but several unpleasant things happened to me: During class never been looked at by a bored-looking guy while dancing and then one day he accused me of looking aggressive / angry / evil (the word he used in my language can mean all of that) because I was not looking friendly enough for him during the dance, dance teacher doing really challenging moves during socials with me and then calling me out for not smiling happily during the dance (because the guys don't like it that way, he said), a guy during socials letting me stand on the dancefloor halfway through the song because a lady he wanted to dance with just had entered the room, during class a guy commenting on (in his opinion) weird aspects of my posture or whatever before even saying hi or introducing himself, guys refusing a dance because they claim they are tired but a second later asking another girl to dance or saying yes to another girl right there in my presence, guys saying yes but clearly looking like they don't want to dance with me, in general a widespread exclusivity groupthink (you gotta be young, pretty, stylish, sexy and single). Really, in my experience the "social" in "social dancing" doesn't come from taking part in an inclusive prosocial activity but from the forming of exclusive social hierarchies. It's funny and frustrating that I've often felt like an ugly, evil, clumsy witch but at the same time I know I'm actually a decent looking, friendly, cheerful, pretty good dancer. It might sound silly but I've been traumatized a tiny bit by all these events. I stopped dancing salsa and bachata about a year ago but still to this day I sometimes find myself ruminating about everything negative. Discovering salsa and bachata had initially given me so much joy but soon came the culture shock when I realized that the social behavior was so different from what I had learned from other dance communities. Thanks for making this video and giving me the opportunity to rant a bit in the comments!

[@DanceWithRasa]

I'm glad you rant. This is a space exactly for that, I need to rant sometimes, too 😉. 2 things I can say, firstly, nobody should stop you from dancing. It's a joy you owe to yourself. Secondly, words matter, so many things, if said differently, would make somebody feel positive rather than negative. They are not worth listening to 💓.

[@juratepetrikauskiene9908]

Thank you❤

[@DanceWithRasa]

🤩🤩🤩

[@joyl7559]

Thank you for addressing this topic. I see many women beginners who lose interest in dancing because of bad treatment from the more experienced male dancers. They don’t have to accept it and it shows off those people in a bad light. But it’s hard as a beginner. I wish they could see this and know it’s not their fault and it doesn’t have to be that way.

[@DanceWithRasa]

Absolutely 💯

[@victoria1999lalo]

I once danced with a good dancer, we had good connection so i asked for another dance. He was like „ew no“. Since then i never dances with him again. I see him always with the other pro dancers and all the „normal“ dancer avoid him. So sad. If you are a good dancer it does not mean you cannot enjoy a dance with a beginner. But to be honest, as i got better i also started to avoid the total beginner. And now i started to learn the other role, and i am a beginner leader now. It is so beautiful to make the experience to learn this new and dance with other people who just started to learn, and mistakes happen to try things out, its so much fun. You should never forget how it Feels to be a beginner!!! And another thing: i sometimes look weird or angry during a dance, i dont notice this. It Happens if i concentrate very hard on my technique that i want to improve. Like to make a better handhoop or spotting during the turns. Dear leader, just ask if everything is all right and then i tell you that it’s not you but i am the Problem 😅 and i will concentrate more on you and our time together in this dance

[@DanceWithRasa]

Thank you so much for sharing this ❤️

[@hannywatisusilo2853]

indeed yach,,,,that's happening .... The Good Dancer only wants to dance with the same skills..... I experienced the same, while the teacher pair us in grup...they not dancing well....but while they were dancing with their friends wow the move powerfull ..... because of that i am trying not be in the same group with them....its for my mental health :D

[@DanceWithRasa]

Well done for recognising that 😁😉

[@tubbywumbkinsl3846]

Being an intermediate overweight dancer I really appreciate this message!

[@DanceWithRasa]

I'm so glad it could reach you 😇

[@charlesxavier2905]

Thanks for addressing this topic. I would say that when you are very new in the salsa scene and you are just starting learning and going to socials, you think everything will be joy, happiness, inclusion and acceptance. But with the experience you become aware that it is not like that. There is also drama, bullying, rejection and other unpleasant things. And even like that, it is worth it to keep dancing and learning if you love the music and dance. You just have to surround with the right people 😉 I have been dancing for 14 years non stop, and have seen and experienced lots of rejections and rough times during my journey. But it is totally worth it! 95% it is JOY!

[@JackSparow111]

Thank you for this post, inciteful! I fell trap to the theory that this was a fun, joy, accepting, haopy, inclusion, peaceful community. Learned its not but CAN be like you said find your tribe

[@acpjr]

I'll add that the happy and inclusive crowd does exist but you have to find it. If you live in a area that has many clubs and socials you will find parties and socials that accept virtually everyone, but you'll discover that such parties are family friendly, probably don't serve alcohol, and skew older.

[@DanceWithRasa]

I agree with what you said 100 per cent 🤗🤗🤗

[@palae8457]

Can you talk about how you can handle being partnered up with some leads that are difficult to work with because of ego, pride, and get hot and cold and treat you bad but you have to practice together because the directors put you together

[@mopuccino]

So classic! Some people just feel themselves over the top and too good , to cool to dance with you or other people who haven't been validated by the cool club members , it's saddening to witness: You 're so right , they lost the joy and fun of dancing...I would definitely love to help them take that broom out of their ass, but i made the decision to ignore them in return , i used to get affected and sometimes it even ruined my night out (picking up their vibe or dancing with someone that is obviously making faces and being rude)...Sad to say this ,but you got to protect yourself and give your attention to people who are truly well intended...

[@DanceWithRasa]

Absolutely! Great decision 👏

[@ojolennon]

Well as I take quite a few photos at salsa events it's supprising how many people look like they'd rather be somewhere else than who they are dancing with

[@DanceWithRasa]

Soooo true 👍

[@JackSparow111]

As a lead i always try to make my follow crack a smile with words a joke or a playful dance move to break things up. But sometimes i get the stone cold face followers. I realize the human connection is definatley lacking in the dancing community. Not all about dance connection. But i think just connection as human to human in general, which leads to poor dance connection. Am i making any sense? LOL

[@debbietaylor4107]

Thank you for posting this! It’s been almost 10 years since someone did this to me at a Salsa Congress & the bad feelings about it really stuck with me for a long time. The worst part for me is that it was a “professional” presenter from NY who did it. As an instructor I feel pretty confident out social dancing & I like to challenge myself by asking the pros to dance at the big events because typically I’d only be dancing with someone that I’d probably taught how to dance in the city where I lived or maybe they didn’t learn from me but I’d already danced with them enough to know what to expect each time. This particular dude accepted my invitation to dance with a smirk on his face and it only got worse from there. He didn’t even try to lead me - didn’t even touch my hand - just acted like he was I bored & in some sort of pain till the song was over. That was the absolute worst dance experience in my life & I have danced with some very bad (but friendly & enthusiastic) dancers! I would name names but it wouldn’t do anyone any good…. If you aren’t part of his performance team then you are a nonhuman & not worthy of existence in his presence & I was unaware of his malignant narcissism at the time. I won’t make that mistake again. All that being said - some of my best dance experiences have been dancing with the presenters at congresses & I savor those memories as I get older. Now that I’m in my 60s I don’t get out dancing socially as much but I enjoy dancing with a happy & excited beginner as much as I do the pros… just in a different way.

[@DanceWithRasa]

I understand you so well, some of the best dances I ever had was never with the vest dancers 😉

[@inesfustemberg9529]

Amazing video!!! I feel the dance scene needs more kindness and humility lately ✨ No matter someone’s level I am always happy to dance with everyone as long as the respect is there. There is a ridiculous vibe of arrogance and pretentiousness that I don’t remember experiencing before lockdowns when I used to dance much more. As I am staying far away from gossips and mean talks I am always naïvely surprised when I realise it is happening. As always I love what you share and your vision on keeping the dance scene funny, open and respectful ✨ Thank you for this video!!!

[@DanceWithRasa]

Best way, stay out of it, and just spread kindness around you and enjoy the dance 💓

[@JackSparow111]

I wish i could dm you i have a BIG story of bullying just about 3/4 of my first year in dancing. Started out joining a small starting dance class, gradually volunteered with the instructor to help setup etc as it was a one man show, didnt see the harm at the time. The class began to grow, i started feeling used, being disguised as “love” “friendship”. started noticing red flags in the instructors’ character, so i made the decision to take a 1 month break. Came back, was treated very differently, the “friendship” “love” wasnt there. They admitted to treating me differently. I kept it cool, peaceful, paying no attention to their character but made the decision to broaden my horizens with other dance classes. They got UPSET. They couldn’t let it go for the world. Long story short it started to feel like a cult styled dance community. Ive since been banned from their events. I do feel bullied and uncalled for as we’re adults. And banned from one perticular event that they throw which is rare in our city. Ive been chastised from that community. What a way to enter the dance community am i right? Any input? It still bothers me as dancing has been the one thing that brings me joy on this earth. And to experience this is shocking

[@DanceWithRasa]

That's so unfortunate and really sad. As far as I see, you have only 2 options. 1. You talk to them and sat listen, "Whatever happened, got out of hand, I won't bother you with anything. I just want to come and dance with my friends. Or 2. You have to let it go. It's done. it's over . Set it free. Learn from it.

[@JackSparow111]

@@DanceWithRasa the path was to let it go, move on, and learn. Big lesson was, people can take advantage of people, disguise it as loving friendship, be manipulate, then play victim, and ruin your friendships with people, all in a community what from the outside seems harmless. So dancers beware, some instructors feel “ownership” of you because they are YOUR instructor. Don’t fall for this trap. Be respectful but keep boundaries UP for both instructors and dance mates alike. And move accordingly. I loved when Rasa says to find your people. I believe thats true and stick with them to keep the dancing less clicky, heirchal, and more joy and fun

[@DanceWithRasa]

@JackSparow111 Absolutely, and some people don't even realise how harmful they are being, a lot of it is not intentional but definitely doesn't make it right or ok😉

[@JackSparow111]

To touch on “the face” scenario. I am guilty of that as a new dancer. I was legit tired as heck and a woman asked me to dance. I unconciously did the “face of disgust” not because i had ill intentions or thoughts, i was TIRED and did not want to dance at that moment, but instead of being honest with her, i carried on. She confronta me as Rasa stated to do! She said “why did you make that face” i said, “honestly in so tired” she says “ok we can dance slowly” my faced turned upside down and we enjoyed a nice slow dance. She was the follow i was the lead. From my little experience there Rasa is right. Be honest, dont compromise being to nice to say “sorry lets dance another song i need a break”

[@DanceWithRasa]

Beautiful way of turning it into a possitive, thank you for sharing that moment 😊

[@supriya55]

Thanks!

[@supriya55]

recently the biggest teacher in my city called me out during an advanced drop-in class to bully and intimidate me into taking the pre-paid monthly classes I'd skipped. as someone who'd just picked up salsa, progressed quickly, was already trying to improve technique, i was pretty shocked and rattled at being gaslighted so aggressively by a teacher! your video really helped put that in perspective and protect my joy!

[@DanceWithRasa]

Thank you for your support ❤

[@timpsk9440]

I think there will always be the occasional difficult person or group (particularly at the more showy salsa events where people seem to have a need to prove themselves) and because rejection hurts, it’s easy to focus on them if you’ve been slighted and lose heart. Better to move on and remember they are very much the minority, there are always many more willing friendly people who will give you the time of day and will happily dance with you and help you with your journey.

[@DanceWithRasa]

Such a great message 👏

[@MiinNiMauS]

Thank you for this video Rasa! I’m pretty new in the dance scene and when I started I liked the mood of the social parties in Germany very much. Six months ago I moved to Florence in Italy and unfortunately I experienced that the mood in the dance scene here is very badly. I was wondering if it‘s about myself because I‘m not dancing good enough for the standards here but your video and the comments just showed me that maybe it‘s not me. I will give it a try again! Thank you! ♥️

[@DanceWithRasa]

Rude people are just rude... some cultures also might feel even more different to us 😇. We have all been a beginner someday , so don't worry, just keep practising, getting better, and find like minded people around you 😊.

[@marshall886]

I will always dance with a person,no matter what. I remember a situation when I was in a beginner class I was helping as an lead because there wasn't enough leads in the class. We were one lead short and this particular girl, had been left out, without a partner. I dont know if she didn't realise or didnt know, how the class worked; with leads being rotating. This girl excused herself clumsily and wouldn't hear our explanation. And took off! I never saw her again and I have always pondered how what this the experience had meant for this person's life. Whether this has meant she has never darkened the door of a dance studio since.

[@DanceWithRasa]

Well I understand completely and I applaude you for thinking about it till this day, that means you'll always try to do the right thing. One thing I will say, some people come already with certain insecurities or some complicated personalities, in those cases there's nothing you can do, they need to overcome smth themselves otherwise nobody can help them 💓.

[@RougeSam]

After having one of those uninterested dances, do you accept dances from them again or ask them again? I typically try not to but I then feel snobbish for activity avoiding them

[@DanceWithRasa]

I would dance with them again, just try to entertain myself in a different way 🤣

[@fernandobautista3200]

So true, I'll apply some of the ideas you shared in this video, massive thanks!

[@DanceWithRasa]

🤗🤗🤗

[@rossmonkey1]

Being a more mature age, I do sometimes find it hard at social which has a young scene. I’ve learnt not to wait to be asked, I might not get as many dances but I will dance. And for the last point, I saw you at Newcastle and that was the one thing which really stuck me, you were joyful and fun during dancing. It was very inspiring for me.

[@DanceWithRasa]

Well, im at Newcastle again this year, are you ? If you are, please come over and say hello and we can catch a dance, I would love that 🥰.

[@Userinterfaceexperience]

I can lead merengue and a decent improver bachata, so as an advanced follow, if I see another mature follow who seems to feel left out or nervous, I go ask! ❤ Merengue is like a good safe space to ask someone to dance even if it's sometimes a workout; you can both laugh about it.

[@milenalalka-tatarczak162]

Amaizing video ! As usual ! Thank you !

[@DanceWithRasa]

Thank you too!

[@Lana_swetlana]

Спасибо за честность, откровенность и частичку тепла и радости 😊☺🙏 Когда стала ходить на вечеринки была очень удивлена, что меня не приглашают или приглашают не те, с кем хотела бы потанцевать спльсу, а приглашать самой решаюсь только один раз за одну вечкринку 😂 И ещё приглашают такцевать бачату чаще, чем сальсу, хотя из бачаты знаю только базовые движения и повороты

[@DanceWithRasa]

Very interesting, it's always different in different places 😉

[@leprechaun130]

The second point is interesting. Have you ever seen a situation where someone refused to dance with another because of the opinions/beliefs they hold? I wear a rosary around my neck, but I keep it hidden under my shirt because I feel people will look at me differently if they see it.

[@DanceWithRasa]

No we have some muslin girls in burkas dancing and so far as far as I'm aware nobody had a problem, I sometimes wear my mother small cross and nobody is bothered. I think people exclude more bigger people or older people which is sad, or people on a spectrum.

[@leprechaun130]

@@DanceWithRasa "No we have some muslin girls in burkas dancing and so far as far as I'm aware nobody had a problem". This is great to hear! Just a little advice though (since I grew up in a Muslim country). Make sure you ask them if it's ok to post photos/videos of them on social media. They may get harassed online by their community for dancing with men.

[@DanceWithRasa]

@leprechaun130 oh yes already on it, they actually came and said themselves 😇 completely respect that, dancing should be a safe place for all 💓

[@gonzalogarcia-atance5840]

Great advice!

[@DanceWithRasa]

🤩🤩

[@javiertapia4643]

Hola. ,, I Hope you Have ha Beautiful. Weekend this is helpful talk. Thank you so much 😊.

[@DanceWithRasa]

Glad it was helpful!🥰