Why Narcissists Cry at the Movies: Self-pity, not Empathy

[@samvaknin]

Looking for help to continue to develop the chronon field theory: mathematical physicists and scholars of geometries and topologies with focus on scalar functions, Geroch functions, foliations, Reeb vectors, and matrices. More: samvak.tripod.com/chronon.pdf , iopscience.iop.org/article/10.1088/1742-6596/845/1/012019/meta , and samvak.tripod.com/electrogravity.pdf

[@aideen911]

Totally unrelated 😬 what test / book of yours do I read if I want to find out / understand my own potential narcissistic tendencies? And what does being attracted to the dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist really mean? Intimacy avoidance. Role of mother... having / being her. Game playing. I want to understand myself in relation to narcissm.

[@snail_viXen]

Sam’s brand of humor cured my depression

[@karlaDCF]

This is all so true. It makes so much sense. Shedding tears like crazy for any sentimental movie. I thought he was sweet and empathetic human. Later to find out the horrible, selfish human he is. What a confusing person. Please don’t be fooled. Glad this video was made.

[@philliplouie7759]

I always suspected the narcissist I knew liked the films she liked for all the wrong reasons. Very interesting video.

[@SPFAN00]

I needed this video. My ex could not cry about any life event that happened in reality but he could cry watching a film. At first I thought it was sweet, but now that I know him it feels weird and performative.

[@jccuchvjvj]

He could see himself in someone's else shoes in a reality and cry as well, right? Or it would make him empathetic? I'm confused.

[@SPFAN00]

@@jccuchvjvj…Did you watch the video?

[@jccuchvjvj]

@@SPFAN00 yes but I'm stupid.

[@Langolin1998]

My ex narc would cry during any movie, including children’s movies, (that he’d watch alone, as a 50 year old man), if it had a sentimental scene. But he was completely, and disturbingly cold and non reactive to the real world issues that real people in our life, were going through….including myself. No sympathy or empathy to loved ones. It felt completely OFF and creepy. I always wondered why he was so obsessed with movies (huge movie collection), including tons of children’s videos and he never had custody of his kids. This explains a lot!

[@mannytoor8707]

Micheal Jackson was the same

[@Langolin1998]

@@susanparker9877 there’s an eerie difference between these people and normal people, with these types of things. He watched children’s movies like a child; laughing and giggling like a child would. I watched these types of movies with my kids when they were young, but never knew a grown man to purposefully choose children’s movies to watch in the evening when it was just two adults watching (he was my second-horrible marriage). I also discovered that many lines he used on me, actually came from these various movies, especially from “The Twilight Saga,” which he loved….along with many many girls and women! Lol. He was a total creep fest! Never had I met anyone like him, and hope to…never again!

[@iainsmith7257]

Choose the movie you want to watch knowing it will provide the emotional stimulation that you can't create 'normally'.

[@roundandsquareful]

I'm learning from your videos that narcissists were victims of abuse - either through direct, neglect, or smothering by the mother figure in their life between the ages of 2-9, affecting normal separation from the mother. Narcissist are empty and sad, but causing chaos over and over in their lives and with everyone else they get involved with. I feel sad for my ex now, though I would never be alone in a room with him ever again in my life because he can be so manipulative. I won't be manipulated like this again, but it's such a pain to be around. It's a time-waster.

[@sinabeizavi3848]

at 9:15 "He is a bit more dead than I am!" hahaha! Sam Your dark sense of humor is priceless ;)

[@carospereman3537]

Why narcs cry in movies... your subscribers are up because mental health is getting worse. WE NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER SAM!!!

[@auaticamazon]

Fascinating. My ex narc always cried at the movies . The worst rage I saw was when I expressed a different perspective on a movie character. He had a melt down on xmas eve as if I had attacked him personally. It was unforgettable and now I understand why

[@Luke-Emmanuel]

my only sympathetic thought i can think of based on my own experience is if u agreed with him before on a similiar character or situation and then u came off as a liar and he flipped out thinking you have lied to him about a lot of things based on others throughout his life who have lied to him(undelat with trauma and being used that hurt him really bad, remembered or 'not'), or having had to trust someones loving ways or love bombing while it was just fake to get with him or use him, which is very common and many people over embelish their words to seem like something they are not to get with someone, which is just terrible and narcissistic.

[@Mothermochi]

This reminds me of a very peculiar situation at the end of my marriage. After having done something very bad to me, he tried many ways to manipulate me buy me flowers, grandiose acts on Valentine’s Day. I was struggling and trying to work through what had happened, and because I did not respond quickly to all of his acts of love he got angry. Anyway, during a fight, he shouted at me that he cried watching Encanto Because I was just like the grandma, so uncaring. Mind you, what he did to me has a legal definition… It was very odd and jarring because this guy couldn’t find empathy for me, his wife whom he crossed the line with but found so my empathy for himself in a Disney princess. He is currently dressing up in all pink because he identifies with Ken, I guess now.

[@Mothermochi]

@@sallybaddeley6060 I wont add spoilers, but I suspect there are parts in the movie he identifies with because it reinforces a victim narrative that he is clinging too. What actually happened between him and I couldn’t be further from the barbie and Ken dynamic, but he sees himself as a “nice guy” and I am the manipulative abuser 🙄

[@dyanamyte]

I was super perplexed when the narcissist in my life had an emotional melt-down watching a very poignant movie. To the point he froze, couldn't move and couldn't talk. He cried. He couldn't explain what had happened later. I'd never seen anything like it. This video helps to understand.

[@davidsalma9043]

I cry at some movies and songs, I don't even know why. It's as if something in me is unconsciously out of my control, and when I cry I feel good. And as for my narcissistic ex-wife, she wasn't even able to watch the whole thing. she never cried or laughed in the film, it seems to me that at all. she was incapable of understanding humor. I always suspected that.

[@phivegallonfillup]

“Machiavellian Tears” 👀💦 … exactly, I got those on my birthday recently after being served “Trojan Horse Cupcakes” in an attempt to sour an otherwise golden and grateful day I had sought to have. It got worse from there… Thank you Sam for the daily uploads, definitely something for anyone and everyone.

[@renatapeters3681]

Bloody hell, I’ve been wondering this! The most confusing contradicting humans! Maybe this talk can share some answers to the mystery

[@liliankimani9524]

Thank you Prof Viknin. I am enlightened but sad. And as you end I don't know what to do. I felt like crying when you seemed to cry. For the first time I have understood this subject with love and pity for narcissists. It isn't are human monsters out there who enjoy to prey on their victims. They are huge victims. I feel sorry that the narcissistic personality is caused to an innocent baby.

[@samvaknin]

Vaknin. And I wasn’t crying: I was mocking the narcissist’s self-pity.

[@DavidBarry-kn2uk]

Oh yes.indeed ,the movies were my whole world since I was 10 years old.From Lassie to the Great Escape and on and on forever. Good films you will never forget and they will be the ones that make you cry ,but at the same time it works the other way .Narcs will not sit through rubbish. Movies have been my main stay for most of my life .Spot on as usual Sir.

[@angelalewis4213]

😳 my x narc always cried at movies. I had no idea this was consistent with other narcs

[@pamelahaze3211]

Two narcissistists that I was acquainted with were obsessed with watching movies....l used to think it was because they needed the noise to quiet their inner noise... They also find those horrible videos of people getting hurt... falling of roofs bike and skateboard accidents...funny.. Sick

[@lam9129]

The amount of illness and physical stress people who have married them become….

[@flutterbyblue3639]

Ahh, I cry when I watch movies, I even cried at the end of Terminator 2, the bit when Arnie destroys himself in the vat... I guess that says it all really, I cried when a robot sacrificed itself!

[@RachelAnn27]

Thanks for answering my question. I was thinking I was the first person to be perplexed by that, but I guess not. I can see what you speak is true. I guess they can still enjoy physical pleasure and laughter, so that’s something. They enjoy possessing things, controlling and manipulating things. They can help others, even if they wouldn’t be doing it if it were not also helping them. I’ve given 30 years of my life to the man I married, and I’m just going to have to look at this as a retirement. I don’t want to leave him alone or get any sort of revenge or let him down. I’d actually love to see him choose to live the best life he possibly can, but having put in a career of really good speeches that land on deaf ears, I feel I’ve earned my freedom, and his destiny will now need to be up to him. After all, isn’t that true of any of us? I don’t like the idea of abandoning a toddler, but it is a grown up toddler who can navigate the world and achieve most things in life he puts his mind to.

[@DedeMattix]

I can really relate to your words. I just 'retired' also, and in the midst of my own healing journey am able to have compassion for that broken toddler. At 74 he, too, is capable of sufficient self care, but what a sad, empty existence.

[@Stephanie-nb1mp]

My ex cried almost on cue for certain few things. It was the exact same way every time too. Faith based movies were his crying movies. I remember eventually just staring at him and being SO creeped out. He also loved chick flicks which initially was funny to me but now I assume it was just part of and to learn material for his con/act. After enough time with him I realized how shallow his act was. He had his few go to things he would say and do…it still just fascinates me. He’s like a bad rerun that just never changes the script or stops. A continual loop of absolute nonsense.

[@saharaalberto4057]

I gave my narcissistic friend a book I really enjoyed to read. She loved it and told me she appreciated the book because of all the similarities between her life and the life of the protagonist. Except that there were no similarities between their lives! The protagonist lost her brother to cancer, then her husband died unexpectedly and then she got cancer herself and moved to a house by the beach to recover. None of these things ever happened to my friend, she did not lose any family members and has never had cancer. I think she must have internalized the book's protagonist and used the experience to generate self-pity. She also frequently told me that she had suffered more trauma in her life than anyone she had ever met. I never understood what she meant, except perhaps that she was divorced?

[@susanneamdouni]

Now I understand why my ex was so uneasy when he watched What’s love got to do with it? Biopic of Tina turner! He wasn’t physically abusive but he was very emotionally abusive and verbally abusive with me and he saw himself as he was physically abusive with his ex before me…

[@roundandsquareful]

I have never heard about this. But it's making me think about a couple of people I've known in my life....

[@riniplank]

Yes...THAT'S IT!!!! I get it - thanks for making me feel smart. I knew they couldn't be sweetie pie tears. So different from the hit-and-run croc tears, it was perplexing.

[@slybugz]

Thank you for the library

[@liliankimani9524]

I hope that in your videos there's some advice on how not to create a narcissist from an innocent child. Thank you.

[@samvaknin]

There is. Search this channel.

[@murthmobile]

Last week i cried at a movie scene (well i shed a tear) and got told by my friend his wife.. see you have emotional empathy... i said well.. i didnt feel shites due to empathy but, self pity in a way. So this is pretty much correct altough im not diagnosed with NPD but Autism, ASPD, Trauma anf reduced accountabillity (since 3 y.o). I got off all the drugs i got stuffed with, feel 1000x better imo but now i get stalked by my psychiatrist and psychologists (Dutch GGZ) because i dont come to appointments again and told them to piss off as they now want me to freely let myself be taken in for a while in a closed institution. It is a whole shitshow now.. i just needed to vent Thx the caption just triggered me to type. Bless Yall

[@glenyshill72]

No

[@glenyshill72]

...... those on the autistic spectrum usually have affective empathy in most cases. If I have understood correctly.

[@pamelahaze3211]

Good for you...tell them to f off and go live on f off island

[@safetyfirst3132]

Ok but why do I cry at the GOOD STUFF? It could be a ridiculous kids movie where the team wins, and I cry. It’s uncontrollable and embarrassing and it’s been this way my whole life. It could be a damn cartoon, and when they “win” I cry. Any triumph of human spirit crap and I cry. Oh, and horror movies? Don’t watch them. Period. I despise being startled.

[@safetyfirst3132]

@@tamerofhorses2200I believe the last therapist thought so, but didn’t communicate a diagnosis to me, no. That’s not uncommon. I believe it more likely to be Borderline, as a tentative diagnosis from childhood mentioned Histrionic Personality Disorder, which translates to BPD today. I paid for intake and discharge papers from the institution where I resided for approximately 10 weeks as a teen. In my defense, my stylistic influences, plastered all over MTV, were Madonna and Cyndi Lauper. But somehow my bubble skirts and bracelets were interpreted as promiscuity, not pop fashion. Thus, Histrionic Personality Disorder was “suspected”, because they didn’t like to diagnose minors with stigmatizing labels back then. I was never medicated in those 10 weeks or afterwards during teen treatment. As an adult, the aforementioned therapist had other ideas, and insisted I get on antidepressants. That’s when I quit therapy of any kind.

[@safetyfirst3132]

@@tamerofhorses2200but I’m open minded to the possibility 😅

[@marciestoddard730]

Repressed emotions can be any emotion like joy. You cry because you dont feel those enough.

[@bridgetbanwell3582]

i cr​ied as my sister wss abput to walk down the isle@marciestoddard730. She was concerned afterwards as to why?! i couldnt tell hervwhy, i was embarrassed and dread ever being asked again to be a bridesmaid

[@timgoode3342]

Absolutely fascinating. Thanks so much for explaining this.

[@simenabeau611]

You explained this so well. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, I will definitely watch more videos and I have just subscribed

[@jackiep5009]

My mom started crying once over a Real Housewife divorce. I found that odd!

[@Natalie-qs2ot]

watched perks of being a wallflower with my ex. by the end of it i was crying because i empathized w the main character and how he viewed himself after being sa as a child, because i had a similar experience. he was crying because the way the main character was lonely at the start of the movie. the whole point of the movie was the guy overcoming his loneliness and making friends. the only part he related to was the way he could pity himself in relation to the main character. he said something along the lines of seeing himself in him. i always thought it was weird.

[@garrettstaack5650]

You literally cried for the same reason he did lol

[@hiramaustin53]

The narcissistic ex abandoned the family home after I asked to talk about her annual holiday; and she felt threatened that I would somehow ‘take it away’ from her ( I sent her on an annual solo trip overseas). I was out and she came home and, in front of our youngest son, packed her things over 3 hours and refused to tell him why she was doing this and where she was going… our son was suffering from severe gut issues at the time and she told him not to worry… “I will keep my phone with me and you can call me if you feel really sick”… and that he needed to ‘put his big boy pants on ! WTF THE NEXT DAY SHE CALLS MY SON FROM MY SISTERS HOME WHERE SHE HAD DECIDED TO HANG OUT UNTIL HER HOLIDAY AND START A SMEAR CAMPAIGN- AND SAYS SHE WANTED TO LET HIM KNOW THAT SHE HAD JUST BEEN WATCHING FROZEN 2 AND WAS SO TOUCHED AND WANTED TO SHARE THE LYRICS WITH HIM AS SHE FELT IT WOULD GIVE HIM STRENGTH AT THIS TOUGH TIME… All the while he is self harming over the abandonment!! JEEZUZ

[@justbereal9208]

Controlled honesty is honestly controlling.

[@doodles6200]

Thank you Sam. I've been watching your channel for a while, and tbh listening to you helps me through the day. And understand my behaviors better.

[@mattmo9829]

Slightly off topic … but your hair is well done today … any hints? Thanks for what you do … greatly appreciated!

[@renatohassegawa7108]

OMG! I've gotten finally why my narc wife cries copiously when she whatches Benjamin Button storie.

[@Little.R]

Wait... I get all teary at Church. Does this mean I'm a narc or psychopath?

[@xenxanx]

My narc ex would never ever ever cry in a movie and he used to laugh badly at me anytime I did... Neither the other 3 narc exes...

[@blitzerblazinoah6838]

This is true.

[@eriknenortas5757]

Very good material; thank you very much ☮️

[@jordyverduyn]

And well diserved mr Vaknin.

[@thatosegopolo9072]

Thank you Professor Sam Vaknin 🙏

[@meghanmatteson6126]

Your posts have given me the ability to predict the behavior of some scary people in my life. I have a greater sense of control over what happens with these explosive people and I appreciate the insight. I am thinking about researching malignant narcissism across cultures as a topic for my Phd dissertation. Any literature you would recommend?

[@donnamarrie3272]

Excellent video!

[@maggieschroeder9531]

Sam, thank you for this information on "cinema of the mind". I've searched your library for info on Novels. How do narcissist's deal with/ interpret the written word? Films/ television are considered a passive function. Reading novels short stories and poetry are very active to the imagination.

[@riniplank]

They don't read

[@ZI-EDITS-12]

Please illuminate the relative dynamics of the covert borderline when time and interest permits Dr. V.

[@Willowtree53]

Hi Sam, Keep up the good work.

[@ТатьянаЗахарова-з1ф]

Sam, you're so artistic 😍 I never wanted to work with narcissistic people but one of my clients turned out to be one. It is very complicated to work with him, but I finally found a way to regress him so his "adult" fake self almost doesn't interrupt the process of our playing with words, improvising etc, and at these moments he does seem alive and happy. Could it be any kind of healing process or he just learns how to get narcissistic supply? For me it looks like he regresses and gets access to his positive emotions, (of course his skeptical part is always here, but it lets him have fun, and of course is always ready to disvalue me and what I say :)

[@samvaknin]

This is your grandiosity misleading you.

[@ТатьянаЗахарова-з1ф]

@@samvaknin thank you, yes, I have a lot)

[@phinton314]

I love you, Sam.

[@chrissy4301]

Ok, for a brief moment I got scared thinking I was going to fall into this bizarre misperception of disreality or something. There have been moments where I have cried at certain endings for certain characters. But the thoughts and sympathies have always been from a third-person perspective. Reflecting on the probable depth of the emotions for the characters and how it will affect their relations and decision making. The hypothetical weight of their mind and emotions amongst each other in-universe. A "what would have I done/felt" and "how would I/how can I help" in that character's situation or circumstance and how I can take those skills and apply them in the world external of myself. Yet, I don't cringe or recoil to deliberate, stupid stunting shown on shows such as ridiculousness or something. Those tend to get an eye roll out of me rather than amusement. From what I think I understand, the narc never makes it past the self to consider the walking in the shoes of just others.

[@graemegeorgeharrison2468]

Can we ever learn how to feel positive emotions if we’ve never had them?

[@aprilnelly]

Many people cry at movies

[@samvaknin]

Of course. Not everyone who cry at the movies are narcissists. Not every narcissist cries at the movies. Duh!

[@ZI-EDITS-12]

You are the fucking best Sam. Period. All I have to say.

[@JudyBarrette]

Wow! A lot to take in.

[@iAusMatt]

I can list a bunch of movie moments which left me with seemingly no other response than to cry; 1) Adam Sandler's death during 'Click' in the rain, screaming for his family, 2) Bruce Wayne's funeral in 'The Dark Knight Rises', where Alfred cries, uttering 'you trusted me, and I failed you', 3) Hector's flashbacks in the cubicle near the end of 'Hector and the Search for Happiness, and various points in 'Groundhog Day', the first two in the cinemas, and the last two, multiple times alone - yet I feel I'm a sufferer of something along the lines of NPD; I was certainly told and have felt that I do. I'd love to know if anyone knows the scenes I'm talking about. :P

[@lv5980]

Do you have any idea if narcissists commit suicide at a higher rate than non-narcissistic people?

[@samvaknin]

Search this channel.

[@lidiazolopa8851]

Narcissists don't borderlines do by what I concluded from Sam's channel

[@brentwood7660]

Ok this was good. Really good. Thank you firstly. I am curious if you see this kind of response with cannabis use. Is it possible for a narcissist to turn these vulnerable and pitiful emotions into positive emotion through any kind of work or effort in this state? Getting a narcissist in touch with the deathless state you are referring to or at the very least, the distress, pity, and tears. At least he cannot wallow in the "false personality" any further. The hopelessness of this state is very poignant, yet there does seem opportunity for work bearing one does not physically die or kill themselves in the suffering.

[@samvaknin]

Watch the videos in the therapies playlist and especially the ones about cold therapy.

[@nemanjamarjanovic9722]

I am on the binge with your vids, very helpful, but I am getting confused with all different categories that exist, NPD vs narcissist vs subtypes vs borderline, etc. it seems that that they are being used interchangeably almost. Any help with clarification?

[@samvaknin]

Yes. Search this channel.

[@notasuperuser]

What if movies rarely garner any emotional response?

[@lempereurcremeux3493]

Is this effect something that narcissists can tame with practice? I've heard that if you're really afraid of something, exposing yourself constantly to it is a way to desensitize oneself to it, so does the same idea apply here?

[@gautamsharma3607]

You, sir, could be in the movies yourself!!

[@doyjuhl3421]

Sam, do you offer 1-1 sessions?

[@FG-hl3tp]

What about music? Same thing?

[@samvaknin]

Triggering, but of a much more primitive kind. It remind the narcissist of his early childhood entraining.

[@FG-hl3tp]

People I know are narcissists cry or get sensitive when they listen to some songs. They almost never cry or get sensitive otherwise. Is it the longing of love? or is it daddy/mummy issues?@@samvaknin

[@CavemanCreationz]

Narcissism is failure to separate/individuate from mother what about failure to individuate from Father curious about that analogy?

[@samvaknin]

Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist. You individuate only from a mother.

[@jccuchvjvj]

How to know that am I empathetic or narcissistic? Is there a test?

[@tamounia9]

could u please elaborate alexithymia in connection of narcissism

[@samvaknin]

Search Vaknin+alexithymia.

[@MsDutch]

What can the numbers on a OCEAN or Big 5 test say about cluster B?

[@mkp240]

I've noticed some of these traits from covert narcs that some people may miss. They have exaggerated emotions when watching tv whether its a tv show, movie, cartoon, sports etc. You may catch them smiling a lot or being overly sad or scared which i think Sam is right when he talks about dissociating when watching a movie. Remember they hate children but love children movies, music and activities. They hate children but they will have them just to keep the supply/mother figure. They also usually love depressing types of sad songs. They love food and sleep which is why they always fantasize about food before they eat it. An example of this is if you eat the last bit of cake they were looking forward to eat after work they will go into a rage and take out all their frustrations on you followed by silent treatment.

[@TotalEclipse856]

Are you sure you're not the narc, eating other people's cake that they were looking forward to all day and all that?! And then you're diagnosing them for not letting you treat them like a doormat... Cake thieves are rude🙀🍰 🙀

[@mkp240]

I didn't eat the cake on purpose, it was an honest mistake. It sounds like your narcissism was triggered though...

[@AV5oh]

@@mkp240hello pseudo psychologist

[@dietqoo]

😂 That “force” came from a UK copycat

[@pamelahaze3211]

H G?

[@dietqoo]

@@pamelahaze3211 R G

[@INTP564]

I also cry at each and every movie 🥲