Victim or Narcissist? Tell Them Apart!

[@sarahjensen2473]

Real people let their actions speak for themselves. Any time someone puts a lot of work into telling me what a good person they are, my walls go up.

[@jordanamichael183]

Not always true especially when the narcissist is doing smear campaign

[@johnpatzold8675]

My advice is to pay attention to the subtle clues provided by a narcissist's family member. Once things go south, you will pick up on their "it's to be expected" vibes. For instance, when I finally caught my wife cheating, afterwards realizing she had more than one partner, my ex-wife's mother, after seeing me in distress, hugged me, thanked me for all what I do for the kids, and told me to "choose happiness." Haven't talked to my ex in years, but her mother always sends me father's day, and Christmas cards. Go figure.

[@valerie11112]

My ex mother in law told me I thought you knew and it was just your comfort zone. 😂 no wonder he's a narc.

[@erronymousbosh5649]

Wow. Same here. So grateful for my ex-mother in law and sister in law. Both were anchors in my ongoing recovery. Definitely validation when an ex mother in law still appreciates us despite divorcing their narcissistic child.

[@milax2730]

The mother is the one who created problem by abusing child go figure ….

[@lisabell1399]

​@@milax2730Not always the mother. My ex had a hatred for his father who abused him. His mother spoiled him because the father was mean.

[@johnpatzold8675]

@@elcee7800 YOU are WAY overanalyzing it dude!

[@z.s7328]

In one of your videos you said that no one should wear their victimhood as an identity, real victims try to heal and move on. Narcissists wear their experiences as a victim like a badge of honour and keep bringing it on and on every time they can.

[@Olivera81]

Great point! Did cross my mind as well

[@samvaknin]

In other words: narcissists are not real victims.

[@Name-bn3vo]

​@samvaknin The only thing I'm confused about is, what if you see the narcissist or psychopath as all bad? Is this still considered splitting?

[@4everu984]

@@Name-bn3vonot good or bad, see it as a maladaptive coping skill.

[@Tov-h3v]

The Covert Narcissist is seen as nice,they are called professional victims,bcs they always takes the role of a victim,behind closed doors their target gets heavily abused. JazzyT.

[@ritz6982]

My ex told me he was an actual empath. So I asked him: if you knew how you were making me feel all those years, why did you continue to torture me? And invalidate my feelings when I told you how you constantly hurt me? His answer: I am an empath, but that doesn’t mean I can ALWAYS know what you’re feeling! What a genius 😂

[@starciacockett9912]

Wow i can litterally hear my bf saying these exact words.

[@ritz6982]

@@starciacockett9912 current?

[@Tov-h3v]

That's a part of Npd,that there's always others there's something wrong with. JazzyT , Scapegoat of two Narcisstic parents.

[@ritz6982]

@@sunbeam9222 Only those who have been in a serious relationship with a narcissist can understand. It’s the loneliest situation in the world because there is no way of explaining that and people just think you are an idiot for staying.

[@donnawoodford8145]

...more like a f'ng moron. I had one of those.

[@marandac6202]

They contradict themselves frequently, especially when they get upset and want to divert attention away from something they said or did or to prove a point.

[@Tov-h3v]

Learn to Go Gray Rock from a Dr Ramani video, so you don't reacts to a Narcissist, that's what they want's,it's giving them Narcissistic supply from good or bad reactions, learn to be as interesting as a grey rock. JazzyT.

[@NancyCronk]

A narcissist will rarely if ever, sincerely apologize for their behavior. They don't learn moral lessons, only how to manipulate better the next time.

[@roxy7255]

Thank you so useful. My bpd/np co parent constantly refers to all his ex girlfriends as a collective we are all exactly the same ‘woman trying to pin him down’ he is the victim 😂

[@cherankimiorak1739]

This message is profound!!! My ex narc said it was ALL his ex gfs that were bad and cheated, my businesses failed because of my business partners..!! It was always directed at others.. Never himself😒

[@marandac6202]

In counseling sessions my alleged narc would say one thing then a few minutes later he would say something that completely contradicted what he said earlier. He was so arrogant he thought we wouldn’t notice or that we would just hang on his every word. I felt like I was in the twilight zone.

[@Tov-h3v]

With Narcissists,they are known fo their word salad. JazzyT.

[@MrTarot87]

How I know I'm a victim? I can go to therapy and learn ways to improve upon myself, as well as having to be TOLD I have underlying trauma, because I don't recognize my experiences as such. I was floored when I had to be told that my relationship was more traumatic than anything else. Victims don't actively notice their own trauma in a lot of cases, not until it's explained by a therapist. Oftentimes we defend our abusers until we can be shown just how far from 'normal' our situation is or was.

[@ravenwinds9919]

Literally driving in my car listening to this. I cannot express in words what this video has validated for me and made me not only feel seen and heard but that I'm not crazy and he's a cluster pile of major disorders. Mr.Vaknin keep making videos you are Freeing us from so much pain and suffering and confusion. Thank you!

[@RFokus]

Dear Prof 😀 Are you kidding?? I never miss a second of your videos!!! ❤️ Such valuable stuff for free can not be missed! But the summery at the beginning is a good idea. Gives structure to the whole lecture.

[@yootoob1001001]

Re: apologizing - while hearing someone can apologize and it can be very healing to the relationship with the person whom toward the infraction or misstep was committed, it can also also play out that someone mouths "I'm sorry" thinking that simply by saying the words it instantaneously absolves them of any wrongdoing and brings them back to their state of self perceived grace. A normal person feels guilt internally, and that's different from different from strictly worrying about someone else's perception of them and the consequences that might follow if they fall short in the other person's eyes. It's no secret that people with extremely strong narcissistic tendencies (or even lesser tendencies in a more normal sense in whatever area in life someone might have them, and we ALL do in different increments being human and imperfect) have equally strong external loci of control.

[@sicibell]

Most narcissists will apologize, however, the catch is that it’s just lip service and another tool to manipulate to keep you in their vortex. A truly apology is backed up with changed behavior and ensuring it won’t happen again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. You’ve got yourself a narcissist. I give 2 chances now and if the behavior continues you’ve automatically forfeited any more “get out of jail” free cards. We aren’t playing Monopoly and there are no more chess moves left on the board. We have to be the ones to end the psychological thriller and give them the plot twist ending they never saw coming! This my friend is when you’ve unlocked a new level! 😁

[@yahyaaljubouri7319]

Whether you are a narcissist or not, to create a better society, you'll need to shield people from yourself and safeguard yourself from others. Everybody is capable of causing harm when they believe their motives or reasons are right. Additionally, harm can occur to oneself or others when driven by fear. Learning how to manage and cope with negative emotions a crucial role for everyone, and internalizing that responsibility is the ultimate goal.

[@sarahmcnicol.lifecoach]

Check, check, check. Thank you Sam for such clear and horribly familiar descriptions.

[@BT-rr8lj]

Thank you so much for your entertaining and personable presentations. You are helping me understand people in my life, my family, for the first time in my life. And I’m even able to allow my ancient anger to start transforming into what may become compassion. These narcs are following a script I haven’t seen and didn’t write. What they do isn’t my fault. My job is to limit contact once I realize who they are. The best “closure” is a closed door.

[@Tov-h3v]

Covert Narcissists are seen as nice, they are called professional victims,bcs they always takes the role of victim.Behind closed doors their target gets heavily abused. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narcisstic parents.

[@arnoldcappelletto3236]

My narcissistic sibling was in fashion clothes manufacturing ,I could see his displeasure of . So I made a pair of special leather gloves for driving jaguars. Porches, ot just made him charge more money for his work sales.40 years later he now has three 3 sewing machine's and needles 🪡 galore. I hinted that I would like to use the equipment but mysterious quality operational issues kept me from using them switched out again for outher machine's., ho you can do it.😮now clamps and steam are irrelevant 😮

[@chautran2588]

Watch what they do to tell them apart. They claim themselves victims but actively harm others. In general, Sam is the best to tell them apart.

[@BlancaBlackContact]

There are psychopathic narcissists who never reveal details about their traumatic childhood - so as not to look weak and poor, and they deny even to themselves what their mother did to them (Tony Soprano for example.. and other real people I've met (my father for example.. and a few more.. also girls)

[@janebrown7231]

Such a clear guide to this subtle challenge! Thank you so much. ....I must add, though... Narcissists' victims can begin to look very narcissistic like their long-term partners in certain circumstances. The covert narc can, and does it if suits him, train his victim to be his bulldog, and the victim performs as required (in defined settings) out of fear/ compliance/ codependence/ gaslit confusion/ loss of identity and values. If the covert narc achieves this level of control, his payback is: - less work for himself - the amusement of puppet-mastering his own agenda - looking innocent and getting sympathy for having an aggressive spouse (pity-play) - justifying getting consolation on the side, while lining up his next victim... This setup makes it particularly hard to identify who is the narcissist.

[@hypnotherapistgurudebraann6013]

My husband exactly to the T!!!!! It's incredible how you describe him exactly! The only thing is occasionally he will say sorry and then be intimate and then back to his narc self. I stay for the baby 😢 until i can financially free myself.

[@theoceandragonfly]

Narcissist resorts to crimal behavior and never takes blame. They never take responsibility. Just because someone is a victim doesn't mean the person is a Narcissist. A victim becomes a survivor and moves on and heals and learns lessons from experiences. I completely agree not everyone is bad. There are so many good hearted people out their in the world. I have met the good and wonderful and the bad people. Still watch for red flags and don't ignore the red flags.

[@brula21]

How to tell if you are the narcissist or the victim? I have been listening to your videos for few months and I'm still at 50:50 😂

[@Tov-h3v]

Narcissists don't have empathy,others has.With a person who has Npd, there's always others there's something wrong with .Narcissists plays out every feeling that comes up in them and takes everything personally,as a child.They has the Narcissistic rage where they acts like a toddler.Narcissists are self absorbed,it isn't possible to have conversations with them,bcs they don't answer questions and points the attention back to themselves. JazzyT.

[@gailrobinson3853]

Check you may be co - dependent.

[@ijustagirl74]

I do truly see you can pick up narasistic quality's when you have trauma as I've seen it in myself,I do not want to be a victim and if im wrong I say sorry

[@amazoniablue7572]

I broke up with the narc. He continued to take other womens side against me. I just had it. He is moving and first he tells me to come and sleep over. On the phone I say I should leave before 11 the next morning cause a cleaning lady will come by and clean the old apartment. He then says “I have to go pick her up” I said why, she can take the bus cause in other occasions he always says to me to take the bus to him after work. He says no he has to pick her up and tells me like Good bye but doesnt hang up the phone and acts like a victim accusing me of wanting a fight. I said why do you have a problem now when another woman a stranger taking the bus but not when you want me to take the mf bus! No response. Dumb as I am I go to him on the evening thinking I will stay the night and its the last time ever. Cause he texted me on the afternoon and I percieved it as him wanting me to come over with my gut feeling screaming dont go sTay home ignore the moron . Background story: Well I did filler in dec, at a salon he took me to, cause he knew the woman owning the salon. She was supposed to give me a consultation before lipfillers and I got nothing out of it. She took my money tho. I found them to be unprofessional so I didnt want to do my lips there but couldnt get a refund. This idiot called her and talked to her and booked an appointment for me even tho I said no. They promised better treatment and so on. I did my lips and after a month I see they are uneven. So I go to another treatment facility much more professional and thorough and get my lips fixed. I wrote a review on her fb page and google. That evening when I went to sleep over the mf asks me to remove my review even tho he knew very well how my lips got and how badly I was met. Taking the other womans side against me. I didnt even ask why or anything just took my bag said “go to hell, you are not well, you can go to hell” He gets up trying to block the door, I first said “move” he didnt and then I had to raise my voice and said again “MOVE”. On my way down he says “dont let me see your face again” with a shivering voice, I responded “shut the f upp and go to hell” and went. How could he seriously believe I wanted to see his face again. I didnt leave and asked him to go to hell caise I wanted to see him again. I returned a jacket I got from him and some slippers he payed for last year the only thing that he gave me and ever payed for . He blocked me when I went, so I had to hang the jacket on his car and the slippers under his car door. After that, last week saturday I havent heard from him. Last time we fought he hit me and hoovered me two days after for a week. He looked me up when I refused to answer his calls and apologized and said he will do what it takes for me to forget what happend between us. He love bombed me and I knew I couldnt forget but still fell for it. This time it seems like he is gone forever now I guess. So I think it’s over now. What needed to be done is to raise my voice and ask him to go to hell I assume. It seems to have helped for me to get rid of him. I am so sick of him. So disgusted. He is broke, owns nothing, divorced two times, has two daughters , doesnt speak to his on of his daughters. Had a fight with his sister who he doesnt speak to either. He is 57 years old. Looks good for his age but such a lowlife and I who got in a relationship with him that I regret badly, am also a lowlife for that now. I am 34 years old never been married nor do I have children, how could I be in a relationship with him I dont know what got in to me. How stupid I was. Almost 2 years I gave of my life. I have a university degree aswell he barely passed elementary school. You should tell me I am an idiot I know it. Hopefully I will never do the same mistake again.

[@annettehunter9743]

excellent. thank you. knowing this is so important. watched it twice.

[@Mariaaguero-u7p]

Sam saying: "It breaks my heart and I deserve it because I'm a narcissist " hahahha. Definitely your father passed you Moroccan humour 😂

[@GrandeMOficial]

God, all points match her, it's just fascinating and scary. my empathetic side really wants to be able to help her, but I don't have the energy anymore and I've suffered so much, I hope she disappears from my mind one day.. This is the video to finally clear my mind about her, thank you for all the content. I hope she finds peace.

[@Tov-h3v]

Narcissists abuse others to regulates their false narrative and self,they puts others below themselves so they can be abow. JazzyT.

[@virtuallyrealistic]

A year or so ago I searched fb to see if she ever published that great novel she spent every spare moment working toward. I was married to her in the late 70’s. She was advertising her children's books that educated them on narcissism. She also spoke of how she lived alone, victimized and abandon by the men in her life. No introspection on how she got there or how her borderline diagnosis may have played a part. She believed her borderline personality was a special skill that did not need treatment.

[@naboegrainger1132]

Where were these impeccably useful videos 30 years ago 😔

[@samvaknin]

I placed my books online in 1997.

[@tayyabausman8871]

I used to think I'm smart . He kept me confused...I blamed myself for the problem. But something was off, my body rejected him completely 😢. How come before abuse my body sensed his demonic nature 😊

[@deloresleia5738]

My ex got out of our bed, told me he was flying to another city for a business trip when in fact he was flying to take another women to black tie event. When it was discovered he said he didnt lie because he had business on his mind and he didnt really take this women out, he just drove her and sat by her because she didnt have a ride to the event. In his mind he did not lie to me or cheat on me… What? He actually was believing he was a good guy for helping someone out and 100 equally pathetic reasons why he had to lie about it which he would never admit.. he just had other things on his mind … im like what? picking up his tux for the event! Bizarre thing was he believed his nonsense. He is all good.. always!!

[@Lifechants]

I watch your entire videos 😊 I wish people would talk about narcissistic children. Parenting one is soul obliterating. We have one we adopted from foster care, early childhood neglect and trauma, sudden separation from birth mother. Nothing has healed those wounds.

[@samvaknin]

I wish you would search my channel.

[@Lifechants]

@@samvaknin haha I will do that! I just found you a few days ago and have been clicking on the suggested videos so far.

[@Tov-h3v]

​@@LifechantsLook to the video of Richard Grannon,where he talks with Sam Vakning about the individuasion prosess that went wrong with the Narcissist and the mother. The video is called something like, That's Why It Is So Difficult To Leave The Narcissist. JazzyT.

[@ArdShrivastav-we2zr]

@@Lifechants hi

[@stupidform3348]

The videos you upload are simply incredible! So insightful! The information does pierce through. It connects pieces. You tell the story of the darkness these people inadvertently produce, believing the show must go on, no matter what, better than most. Appreciate you, good Sir! Much obliged

[@gangGreenthumb]

Thank you for explaining what splitting means. I so frequently wonder if I'm a narcissist. I do not have black/white thinking. She had some very good traits, and she has very bad traits. I have good traits, but I have bad traits, too. We both contributed to the relationship problems, but she blamed me entirely. She is all good in her mind.

[@kcren38]

@Sam thank you for the new format. Very helpful for skimming first, then deep learning, then reviewing.

[@MrFahrenheit2k]

This video cleared a lot of things for me! I display many of the narcissistic traits and leaned towards considering myself bordering on NPD (I am in therapy and was diagnosed with having a narcissistic injury at the very least). But seeing that I can distingwish between good girlfriends and bad girlfriends, don't play victim publically, don't have goals attached to demonstrating my victimhood, if I actually do so, don't consider myself a passive recipient of pain who can't do anything to stop it, makes me believe that I'm more of a victim. Of course, if I'm an actual narcissist, I could't tell, lol. But I can admit my abusive behaviour and take responsibility for it. It's not difficult for me, but my view of the world is so distorted, very often I can't tell that I'm being abusive, until I'm presented with undeniable evidence. So, still confused on the nature of my disorder, but less so after this video. Thanks, prof.!

[@Tov-h3v]

The female Narcissist at Cluster B Milkshake,say that a Narcissist sees things differently that the partner who confront's them with being abusive. JazzyT.

[@assiradarling8981]

I feel the same way about myself

[@brqh3gre]

I recently stopped talking to a friend because she would either gaslight or ignore me when I confronted her about hurting my feelings. Looking back on it one thing that was always unsettling about her was how she talked about 'men' Like one time when talking about her boyfriend she said "men are simple creatures" A really should know by now to stay away from people like that!

[@vallip4254]

Again, spot on... never apologised in 31 years never accepted responsibility,. He did however learn about this in therapy, he was trying to practise,making lists about taking responsibility, he wrote a piece on being a victim. Very difficult coupled with abandonment issues through being adopted. So a nightmare of seeming causation etc Thank you Sam Vaknin... I could never have afforded these therapy sessions. I got played and played good for many years. I put it down to in some way feeling responsible for my brother being adopted. I was up for adoption too but mum saw me and changed her mind. Funnily enough she fostered me out at times, couldn't cope. I do feel that my brother might have had a better life had mum kept him instead of me. Yes it's odd thinking but there are sound reasonings behind them . I do feel better for your insights Sam.

[@Olivera81]

Thanks, prof! Great lecture today! All spiced up with your great sense of humor! ❤

[@justbereal9208]

Always plenty to ponder and the outline in the beginning really helps organize my thoughts.

[@Sonder0077]

My Narcissistic father used to tell people he was a prisoner of war to impress and get people to give him what he wanted.

[@Tov-h3v]

They can do everything for Narcissistic supply! JazzyT.

[@memberberrie7225]

Shoshanim is actually a rodent shaped Pokemon with fuzzy fur. You can throw him in a poke-ball at your enemies while saying "Go Shoshanim!" (the truth is I have no idea what Shoshanim really mean, but if I had to assign it some meaning it would be fuzzy hamster )

[@stefanghabooli6483]

My ex bit himself on the leg, and scratched his face around his eyes. My neighbour SAW him doing it. He told EVERYONE over and over for ten years that I had attacked him. Now he and everyone he's spoken to are CONVINCED that I was the abuser.

[@karlschlitzer7934]

I had never heard about splitting before but omg this describes my current gf. She was apparently the victim of a Narcissistic ex husband but its a constant drama about the whole world just takes from her and abuses her ... there is no in between ... Its the whole world and all her ex friends that are against her.

[@Shanti1777]

Another great video of you! Thanks for teaching, I’m addicted to daily dose of you. When confronted, I am called too sensitive or threatened to leave relationship.

[@joannepownall1213]

My partners parents poured me a wine then told me to run!!

[@kaivonmassenbach4357]

This now was realy helpful - thank you!

[@sadantnanl1717]

As a young child I remember wanting to escape discipline (trouble) by falsely declaring innocence, and looking for someone else to take the fall. But as I grew older and became more disciplined I realized that all have sinned and all have been sinned against. Some times we need to forgive and some times we need to be forgiven. We all fall short sometimes and we all exceed our hopes at other times. These beliefs over the years have hopefully created freedom between myself and others to have and maintain meaningful relationships.

[@brqh3gre]

I have made the mistake of thinking that splitting is mostly a borderline thing. I'm a borderline and only split on things and people when I'm having an emotional outburst. I will see someone as all good or all bad in moment of extreme emotion. And it *feels* like I've made a profound realization. But later on I will realize the truth. Apparently narcissistic never come out of it and view the whole world and all people that way?

[@Coach.Kallista]

on third time through entire video (in between chores) - Subtle distinctions that ring true. Thank you.

[@alinajeziorska5959]

Thank you so much for your presentations💙

[@MyraMabry]

Question: Do narcissists hate other narcissists when they witness them exhibiting narcissistic behaviors?

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@Ann-wi2ly]

Why is it that I have noticed narcissists seem to group together and form a common enemy?

[@katiehav1209]

I think the only way to tell the difference is to truly discern by character and reason. Would they do this or that, and does it sound like a logical accusation. Character and reason is probably the only way. Splitting is very true also. But they don't always let that out as a public statement A victim would also have a lot of people against them in vulnerability. So sometimes reaction abuse and the victimization causes them to exibit all this

[@meci_khan3027]

When it comes to apologies... what if all other criteria fit, but my partner is ALWAYS apologizing, but never actually changing their core behavior? It's gotten to the point where when I hear "I'm sorry" from them I dismiss their apology as mere words with no action.

[@samvaknin]

I am referring to behavior-modifying apologies, not to mere words.

[@meci_khan3027]

@samvaknin Thank you for the clarification... but are you basically saying going through therapy there won't be a real apology as in change? If I'm still incorrect could you refer a video for me to learn about "behavior modification"? I appreciate your time.

[@TuerlingsTim]

Without knowledge a non narcist makes lot of times the same mistakes. I have experience with that and since I have been connected to this subject on internet lot of things get clear and can make a new step to more relaxed and happy life

[@Tov-h3v]

When ppl finds their self worth,they leaves. JazzyT.

[@DrScotchMD]

Translation: When all the exes are bad, RUN!

[@carolynredinger439]

Yes and no. Unhealed people raised by narcisissts will be drawn to relationships with narcisissts and so may have been through a number of abusive relationships. I haven't finished this video, but I trust Viknan will be more discerning on this issue. I do pay attention when grown children reject them, and they blame that on the other parent. If you were a good parent, adult children won't reject you at the behest of another. Also, even compared to real victims, someone who is too eager to play the victim sets off red flags.

[@irenbotos8632]

Brilliant! Clear and accurate.

[@BlancaBlackContact]

You said yourself that Narcissist are Victims from early childhood abuse

[@Tov-h3v]

A Narcissistic mother isn't capable of love and lacks empathy,she don't mirror,hugs and comfort her baby.Narcisstic mothers only sees their children as an extension of themselves. JazzyT,

[@indanhe]

I am struggling to identify a narcissist and subclinical narcissist

[@samvaknin]

Possibly because you are not a qualified diagnostician.

[@user-re4wk7gu1c]

OMG 😱 why do I keep hoping Sam will say something that's not exactly what my ex said or did...

[@Chercheure_Indépendante]

22:20 "every girlfriend (.....) killed me and my dog" LOL 😂😂😂😂😂😂Damn poor guy!

[@Chercheure_Indépendante]

@whatapp-TApmyProfilepIc.. *This is not Sam Vaknin*

[@_N0_0ne]

Thank you

[@SusKa22]

Very clean expained

[@sophie4636]

Oooo! Doesn't this sound like the head of the Spanish women's football team at present?? Post World Cup 2023. Denying his part in the lip kissing furore, claiming he's the victim, he did nothing wrong! He's now threatening to sue the girl who he kissed! Refusing to step down.. Wow!

[@brqh3gre]

One time I had a friend who tried to manipulate me into having sex with her by acting pathetic and self pitying! It was so disgusting! Like how could any one could possibly want pity-sex!

[@claudi_knits]

😂 the last part is the best ..poor me

[@mikahist4155]

I think i May come across as narcissitic- i learned early on how to Turn Off my emotions- as a child i was beaten Till i Bled. I was sexually abused when i was 12- and i was Born somehow With autistic traits- i was pretty much in observing Nature when Friends wanted to Play With dolls- i couldnt i understand why If watching insects is super interesting. I was beaten and sexually abused in every relationship- so i figured Out that ITS my fate for good to stay single. Im now single for 3.5 years.

[@Ola-is4yp]

😢

[@Tov-h3v]

You was obviously a Scapegoat child,the Psychologist Jay Reid has many video's about the Scapegoat child.Dr Judy Rosenberg has good videos about Narcisstic mothers,she says Borderlines are the Scapegoat of a Narcissistic mother. Sam Vaknin is married to a Borderline and has many video's on the topic and a video where he has a interwieu with his wife. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narcisstic parents

[@spiritualone1]

Good morning Prof Sam

[@amiswaggon]

You are hilarious and i love how you present the information.

[@stephbas70]

Totally spot on ❤

[@lilyBeans-cz4rm]

🙌🏼 Thank you

[@rizin2213]

Man going through a divorce for over a year, my Ex still calls me blaming me and how could I leave her I never gave her the time to change. 5 years of her swinging and I couldn't even talk to a woman. When I did all hell broke loose. 4+ years of me wanting to come hang out with me while I worked on my car and raced. To her saying she was starting to come help with my car holding up a gear stack for a picture at 4 years. Then I ask her about the night I had a race the next day. The neighbors came over to help. She then drank and made out with another neighbor in the backyard. She denies it fully. Then she brought him to the races the next day. She denies everything and I just wanted her to be supportive of my hobby like I was for hers. Man she gets mad at me that I still have the video from our security camera system of her doing it. All these videos show me that my truth is real no matter how much she lies and tells others diffrent. She plays victim all the time and rages when I say I can prove diffrent with my videos and she then calls me a narcissist for recording. These all started after the first time I called the cops and they favored her and she lied to them. The videos also kept her from assaulting me but didn't stop the verbal abuse.

[@TaylorFox-69]

What happens if the cycle repeating is that you keep dating, narcissistic, cheating partners? Then you learn what’s happening and go to therapy and want to change . Could you still be a covert narcissist or are you just attracted to narcissist and toxic ?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for "repetition compulsion".

[@Mothermochi]

Woah sounded like my ex for a second. “You did worse” what’s his automatic response. The woman he was cheating on me with got the “ I’m traumatized” response when she caught him lying about being divorced lol 😅 Also a famous person using his platform to farm sympathy and prey

[@atinathenice1]

When you say that the narcissist never apologizes , is it possible that they do but they don’t actually mean it?

[@samvaknin]

Yes. I meant, never TRULY apologizes.

[@maryfreeman3305]

My favorite covert victim received an order of protection from harassment after he chased and cursed a former supply in a parking lot with witnesses. He blamed the hostile female neighbors and his crazy evil ex and moved to a new place away from drama queens. A year and a half later, I mentioned I saw the evil ex's booth at the art festival I attended that day with a few friends. He shrugged and changed the subject and chatted about an Amazon order. Thinking nothing more of it was a Mari Hari mistake. He discarded me by email as soon as I left for work. "Your recent activities with (insert name) have rendered you unwelcome in my home. Your presence is a serious threat to the safety of me and my family. There will be no more contact." It's amazing how damn fast he took the protective order away from his ex and transferred the need for protection to himself, and made me the abusive traitor cavorting telepathically with his ex the myriad ways to threaten his safety by independently buying and selling arts and crafts.

[@N8rtater]

In a previous video, he advocated for a 12 step group for narcissism. The fourth step as it’s laid out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, which I’m going to use as a source since there isn’t a book on narcissism anonymous yet, uses a method to overcome splitting using your ego’s (or maybe your narcissism’s) momentum to lay out all your grievances …then it flips it on you and points out that you do all those things most people are they don’t believe it. But if you’re willing you accept all those grievances or things you do you list them on paper right next to where your greetings are first person statements. I steal from people I take advantage of people I’m unfaithful in relationships. I hurt other people and then blame them, etc.. These are how you find your defects to be removed in the later steps. A good queue for me that I’m acting out in a narcissist mindset (because as he put in that previous video,I am a fish in water just like the fish doesn’t know he’s wet, my mindset and perspective is all I know.) is when I feel angry ,agrieved, afraid, self-righteous… Really any of the defects that I lay out later in the 4th step as fears

[@ZinziNhleko-vk9yj]

Are you giving in to the "short attention span" spam 😂😂😂 we love you prof and many of us want to hear the real deal.

[@talkbrian1522]

❤love your way Sam

[@skipthemiddleman7892]

hahahaha like the humor!

[@gabspevec]

It would be great if you could do a partner video to this one that goes over the behavior of the victim, specifically where it can appear to be narcissistic. For example, a victim can refuse to speak about their faults, or things they are at fault for. This appears as not taking responsibility, however it will often be because they have learned that the narcissist will use, manipulate and punish with any information or admission of guilt and that is unsafe to expose their truths. Of course using this video about spotting a narcissist helps differentiate, however without understanding the inner workings of how and WHY a victim can behave narcissistically, the victim can look highly narcissistic from the outside viewer.

[@leanneyerian3507]

My ex tries to apologize and claim to take accountability but it is always followed by a big BUT. As soon as he doesn’t get his way, he takes it all back. He has been forced to go to classes for abusers and it only seemed to further educate him on things to say to SOUND evolved. He makes amazing speeches and writes amazing apology letters. When it does not invoke the desired response, He angers very quickly and l proceeds to explain how it isn’t his fault, he want that bad. Is it possible that narcissists have the ability to pretend remorse in a scenario, such as court, and then quickly follow the speech with contradicting statements of not being that bad, or that it doesn’t compare to what was done to them. He is SO convincing and now even more articulate in posturing like a changed and remorseful person

[@Tov-h3v]

Narcissists are predators, they abuse others to regulates their false narrative and self,by putting others below so they can be abow.. JazzyT

[@tiffanystruthevolution4784]

Can a person be both a victim & narcissist?

[@samvaknin]

Of course they can. Search the channel for “gullible”.

[@Tov-h3v]

Narcissists are victims of Narcissistic mothers. JazzyT.

[@Ptls68]

Thank you❤

[@teallevi823]

Thank you so much

[@promo130]

thanks alot prof vaknin,

[@SarahSmith-fu4lb]

This is a fantastic video. I have to tell you, though I cannot help but think that you are speaking of Richard G. When you speak of someone posing as a codependent, it’s just my suspicion. I chose not to say his full last name.

[@Tov-h3v]

He has a really good and important video with Richard G,about the individuation prosess that went wrong with the Narcissist and the mother.Why do you Scapegoat Richard G?Their video is Pure Gold! But I can admitt that "Richard G" can be a bit intense. JazzyT.

[@shannonbee]

They always play the victim..Back to me lol.Dont engage.Run! 😎

[@joannaayres6555]

But Dr. Sam even though bpds spilt we usually are likely more higher to experience a violent crime then nuerotypicals by being horrible judges of characters and dating bad people high chances of dv and sa. Are us bpd narcissists i know im a victim of many bad things but i try to be a victor and work hard on it not dumping on people or living in learned helplessness

[@Lovewood100]

Im confused.. i still dont know what i am either way..? Because of the blured lines between the victim & the narcissistic traits that can be similar during the PTSD or Trauma stages of healing.. Have i always been this way..? I want to understand who i am & what to do better for myself.. but im so exhausted i dont have any motivation to try.. & no matter how much research i try to seek.. im still unsure..

[@samvaknin]

Watch the comorbidities channel.

[@michaelmarler7016]

Never apologizes example from my life: A coworker, 65 yo woman, threatens to "shove a bottle up my ass" for telling her to put her glasses on BEFORE using the computer and she will stop making mistakes while operating said computer. As this is a threat of physical violence I decide to basically ignore her except where interaction is necessary for work. After a few weeks it is too much for the old girl and she pulls me aside to apologize. Whereupon she proceeds to say "I'm sorry for what I said, but when you told me to put my glasses on and implied that I couldn't see..." and then goes on for an awkwardly long time explaining how it was all my fault and there is a conspiracy in the office to make her quit, presumably because she outperforms EVERYONE and we should all emulate her example. Her glasses hung uselessly around her neck the entire time. She literally has a prescription pair specifically for reading but when I suggested she actually wear them she lost her goddam mind! I couldn't help but laugh at her. It was just too absurd.

[@CarolinaCarolina-ph9mx]

Sorry, but you were rude. Did YOU apologize to her? YOU insulted her first implying she was making mistakes, and at her work no less, so she traded you back an insult. An ugly one, but you bullying a 65 year old coworker is nothing less than ugly itself. Were you trying to draw negative attention to her and get her fired? I can think of little other reason for your bullying mistreatment of her. I think it is odd that you would assume that you know her vision needs. Are you an eye doctor? Prescription reading glasses range in a lot of powers, so hers could be rather low. Additionally, the computer sits at a different distance than most things you would need reading glasses for, so the reading glasses could potentially make it harder for her to see her computer screen because the power for that may be different. Reading glasses help me to read a book or other documents close up, but I can see my computer screen just fine without them because it sets farther away, and I can see everything else around me fine without readers. It is only things that are very close and very small that I need them for to see details. In fact, since I can read my computer screen without visual aids, I'd prefer to keep it that was as long as possible and not weaken my eyes. I also have zero problem carrying on a conversation with someone without my readers on - unless you want me to analyze the pores on your face. You sound very smug, and very pleased with yourself despite very little understanding of what you were bullying another person over. I think it is time to take a cold, hard look in the mirror and see who is really looking back.

[@thequeenofselfcare]

So do u think narcissists and bpd is the same thing?

[@samvaknin]

I think you should search the channel.

[@vivek1393]

Is it true that some victims of narcissistic abuse develop narcissistic traits as a coping mechanism? If so how do we tell them apart? And are these traits permanent? I realise that it is much more nuanced than I can conceive. I do not even know if my doubts are valid.

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel.

[@Xarata873]

I mean, it makes sense. If someone narcissistic shifts the blame onto another person to avert their own feelings of shame, it's understandable that the scapegoat over time takes on the belief that they are the problem, fostering shame within and eating away at their sense of self. They could tend to act out in narcissistic ways (defensiveness, blame shifting, lying etc) to avert from feeling any worse about themselves. Then the cycle repeats..

[@Tov-h3v]

When the video has been on for awhile today,Johnny Depp came to my mind,there are so much that has come to light afterwards in the case. It was something weird about him as he was sitting there laughing in court,real victims don't do that. He had declared global humilation on Amber Heard,under the trial. It came to light after the trial that Johnny Depp has been hiding Amber Heard's Psychiatrist's testimony, ,so it was kept away from his lawyer,where there was written that Johnny Depp is a Narcissist and that he abused Amber Heard when he took Drugs. There was alot of Drug abuse,as a Narcissist he has told that he took alots of Drugs to survive with Amber Heard, that abused him.... The case would have ended differently, if Johnny Depp didn't hide the testimony.... The bloody finger,that he accused Amber Heard to have caused,was an accident he did himself...The machines that spread the hate towards Amber Heard 24/7, wasn't known when the trial was going on, and came to light afterwards.There was a lots of evidence that was not revealed in court and Amber Heard saw that Johnny Depp's lawyer has removed many of the files with conversations between the couple. Johnny Depp knew what he was doing, when he was hiding the testimony and that he could control the outcome of the trial by that,bcs he had planned the concerts in Europe before the trial,and as the actor he is,he played suprised and humble when he got to know that he was a "free man". JazzyT.

[@leahj361]

Don't forget the many self-styled experts who made youtube videos identifying depp as the victim. One would think after the suppressed evidence came to light that these "empaths" would feel remorse for participating in the smear campaign.

[@chriswiebers1135]

I have an example what happened today. When friends were visiting, I saw a bag with beer and cake today and I said softly “oh that’s why”. My girl overheard me and said “what is why”? I said Nevermind. Now she asks me louder embarrassing me and other people are now interested in what is happening. She started defending herself and explaining this cake and beer…. I walked off. I actually didn’t want drama. It’s like she wanted everyone to know what I said even tho it was super un-important.😂 It’s hard to explain. Usually I would get angry because of the embarrassment! Because I didn’t want anybody (including my girl) to hear me at all. This would make me look agressieve and her like a “victim”. Always same receipt: I get caught reacting angry to evil stuff she does and then I look like the asshole and she looks like the victim.

[@chriswiebers1135]

@@milena11570 you are correct, I should not have said anything. Btw the cake was for friends they were going to and previous day I saw the cake in the fridge. My comment was me talking to myself actually understanding why it was bought. I had no bad thoughts and never looked for a fight. Especially if we have friends over. Again difficult to explain. But I will say this, if your partner sees something with others around and he says nevermind because it’s very inappropriate to say anything loudly at that moment it’s abuse to start a fight about nothing. Believe I am not passive 😂 I express my likes and dislikes clearly. Btw dislikes always met with deflections by her instead of concern.

[@Tov-h3v]

Narcissists feeds off on drama and others pain! Don't give reactions, that's Narcissistic supply,starve them on your attention. JazzyT.Scspegoat of two Narcisstic parents.

[@Tov-h3v]

​@@milena11570Covert Narcissists are called professional victims,bcs they always takes the role of one,behind closed doors their target gets heavily abused. JazzyT

[@chriswiebers1135]

@@Tov-h3v it’s so freaking difficult because your mind keeps wanting peace and to explain it so the drama goes away! She wants constant pain. Today I said “any interaction with me is an opportunity for pain for her”. Couples are Supposed to care and love eachother. 😂 guess not. She needs pain and suffering so she can play victim when I lash out.

[@anseljames5531]

So she was s raging narcissist

[@LegendaryMel]

Lol it sounds like you are describing Taylor Swift as a narcissist ;D I believe she is one