Dead Parents Clone Narcissists (and Codependents and Borderlines)

Dead parents traumatize their children and create narcissists, codependents, and even borderlines, and psychopaths who fail to distinguish internal from external objects.
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[@joyceconklin4596]

Never knew love from either parents. Only put downs by calling me stupid jackass. The beatings we're horrible always punched in the head. Try to please but nothing worked. I pray no other child had to go through what I had to go through

[@lenaolsson3673]

❤️

[@NarcisismoTV]

Omg sorry ❤😢

[@piamp1454]

I am sorry for what you had to go through! I whish you all the best! 🙏❤️

[@adellelouise8596]

Every pregnant couple should watch. Infact, all people should watch. We walk around like ignorant zombies questioning so many things. Wondering the right things to do for our children. Too much love, not enough, let them go, hold onto them. It's very confusing. Why things like this are not taught to us earlier. If only it was it would make more of a difference

[@samvaknin]

Parenting should be licensed. Not everyone should be allowed to procreate.

[@adellelouise8596]

@@samvaknin OMG, yes. You my friend just nailed it.

[@LPink-kp1gh]

This should be added on to pre-natal class.

[@rtlau-mk4di]

@@samvaknin I agree, but sadly it doesn't seem that such a measure can be implemented ethically. Do you think there might be a way to prevent the people who shouldn't have kids from doing so without veering into the realm of eugenics or Nazism? Here in the U.S., I've noticed that many of the people who procreate prolifically are also the least responsible folks, and they also have more children than the more hardworking and intelligent people. One of my former coworkers had 12 kids from multiple women and he was only 31 years old. It was totally insane. And this was not a hyper-religious person, nor was he making that much money as a burger flipper in a fast food restaurant. I wish that such a situation could be prevented, but this is not an ideal world.

[@caritokirch]

@@rtlau-mk4di b

[@Koala2hug]

As a 'good enough' mother I did not reject my new born. It is a societal norm to cut the umbilical cord and whisk the new born away from the mother - THIS 'creates' the first traumatic 'disconnection'. The mother and baby are 'disconnected' traumatically from each other at birth. I know a narcissistic or 'dead mother' who rejected her first born. She proudly told me that she didn't love the child until he was one year old and not until he started sleeping through the night... I was shocked she rejected her baby... Biologically, the mother's body knows it has to 'eject' the newborn for the newborn's survival. For example, running out of space and amniotic fluid. The child is being ejected from it's safe world inside the uterus. Hence the first traumatic event is 'disconnection AND ejection'. In recent history, the baby was held upsidedown by the foot and smacked on the bottom. Welcome to the world - smack! I believe that as a society we can do better .... and we can maintain the 'connection' between mother and child during those first critical two years of life. Connected via holding, touching, close proximity, breast feeding, smiles - loving presence.

[@BluetarES7]

So well said. Thank you

[@Magemorrison_]

when popstars start to talk about mental health as part of their brand you know the society is in trouble.

[@oswurth8774]

Right? Never considered this. This is awful.

[@jomac3120]

It’s funny because I had a near death experience, and I was i heaven. When I came around and woke up back on earth, I still had this oneness and everyone I looked at I felt like I knew them ! This lasted about 3 years, slowly it has dimmed down. Before this I was very interested in philosophy and science, the human condition. Now I’m at peace !

[@takeemtochurch5864]

I had something similar. I’ve had a couple people confirm the same. However most have laughed at me. It was a beautiful experience indeed.

[@jomac3120]

@@melisentiapheiffer3034 I have a rare brain disease and my pineal gland was squashed. From fluid. But that wasn’t all I felt. I was in heaven with God and we went through my life, and it was home x

[@jomac3120]

@@takeemtochurch5864 yes I went to heaven and God cradled me in his robes it was the only real thing in my life now xx

[@charanko.]

ummm

[@silkwing7921]

Thank you again, Dr. Vaknin! In the Bible there is a verse that says we are given a choice between “life and death” and this understanding of dead mother/good enough mother influencing what a child invests in gives that verse a whole new meaning.

[@silkwing7921]

@@MsHazelie Absolutely!

[@drispellawain413]

So much of what you have articulated in this video is relevant to my surroundings...and to me directly, at home. Of the many many things that stand out, your views on do-gooders and busybodies resonates. They terrify me too. A person in my street is a fit 70y/old. He was the chief of his fire brigade Very busily into everyone's business in retirement. Recently during the coronavirus pandemic, it's was customary in the UK for people in the street to stand outside their houses and clap the health service and essential service workers nationwide at 8 p.m on Thursday. Dutifully many did this. He noticed some people a number of houses away who were engaged in other activities and we're not applauding, at the alloted time. He turned to others nearby including us and said "next week we will shall walk up to them while applauding and shame them" for not applauding basically. (Shame being an element in narcissism). The person in question then took this applauding activity to an extreme. On the morning that bins are collected,for weeks and weeks he alone applauded the rubbish removal workers as they did their job in front of him, emptying the bins. I have a litany of examples of his behaviour, and a lot of it is unhinged. The above example is mild, in comparison, but illustrates how he likes to appear. He requires an audience. He also seemed very curious to see what was emerging from people's bins during the lockdown where people were unable to take their own trash to the local tip. The morning applause gave him pole position. A dogooder and a busybody. Appearing as an angel to the casual onlooker, but very far from it.

[@truthinaction0000]

While my extremes are more private to a selfish level i.e. center of the group speaking on embellished aspects of my and general world history to co-workers whom are rightly disinterested but allow time killing communication. Really I'm fishing for attention because of the absence of existence inside the animated shell. Void of genuine emotional and intellectual life. Only inhale and exhaled, eat, sleep, wake, work.

[@truthinaction0000]

My bad for interrupting, good day to you and yours.

[@sloene72]

Wow, I hope people didnt shame these people. How scary that neighbour is

[@Mrhirtzel]

- Experiencing trauma that is the result of insight is very good for you. Trauma from parents is not - (paraphrased) This is profound and obviously why traumatized children do not grow as they are terrified of all trauma as they see it as terrifying instead of beneficial.

[@annad6519]

42:18 fascinating. Why don’t I see the narcissists and psychopaths until it is finally in the rear view mirror, far, far in the past?!

[@treesarose97]

Your closing points are very interesting. Yes, many of us do want to change global narcissism. However, I would hope that it would not take thousands of years. It's like trying to pull dandelion tops, not being aware of the roots. The change starts at the level of the individual, and inside, and when enough of us work on it, things will get better. Power structure rewards narcissism, yes, afraid it is true. We have to root out corruption, tedious and exhausting work.

[@sandrabolton6190]

No, he said and everyone else has said that narcissism starts as a child with mostly the mother. It can be others but mostly the mother. My husband is a narcissist and this is my favorite psychologist. He knows because he said he is a narcissist himself. My husbands mother had too many children. She had two sets of twins and four more boys and one girl. She raised them alone and had very little help. My husband had to work and bring home to his momma. Then she let his brothers mistreat him also. He continued to grow up like this and he is in bad shape. He is pitiful because he doesn’t even know he needs help. He lies, he thinks he can do anything even if he has never done it before. He said he knew how to do body work on my car and convinced me into letting him do it even though i have a high end car. It took him 3 days to do it. It was just some little paint spots missing on the bumper where i had hit someone else’s bumper. He fixed it to perfection because he had to prove to himself that he could do it no matter how tired he was and how much it took out of him. Thats what he gets for lying.!

[@mariadee2208]

I was raised by a Mother whom I supported until recently. I was never safe switching between "the best and worst" person. I feel my adult Son's had a safe base from conception through to future grandchildren. So nourishing to not only agree with your insights but to have lived them. Warmest regards Sam. Marie 🌻

[@kimberleyhollyman90]

I have been/played out all of these roles at various times/points in my life and i have to agree with what Prof. Vaknin has explained. This is very accurate. I related to very much of what was said both as a child with my own (step) parents and being a mother and now a Nana, myself. Thank you, Professor Vaknin. I appreciate and enjoy your videos regularly.

[@thesouloftheblueroselavend2076]

I live in a Dreamworld. Your Videos give me the understanding about my Histrionic/Psychopathic Mother..Who is, also (my strong Guess)a Munchhausen by Proxy Parent! Great Videos!!

[@toekafrank6998]

Birth...the first and worst thing that could have happened...😒

[@gracewarrior12]

I feel that

[@knispo8850]

Truly fascinating information, thank you. The title says ‘dead parents’ however you expressed the effectual role of the mother in the outcome of the child. I agree with this but wonder if the father, if healthy and in the child’s life, can prevent the development of a ‘dead child’ when the mother is ‘dead’. Your work is much appreciated.

[@samvaknin]

No, a father cannot substitute for a dead mother.

[@sloene72]

I wondered this too. Thank you for the answer. I wonder what mothers raising boys alone in society with absent fathers who see the children dead when they leave, will cause to the children

[@nrogers5656]

Thanks a lot. I've listened to your videos for years - you wouldn't be impressed at my uptake speed - but you've been helpful

[@juanjoseredondo2314]

This lecture is amazing Profesor Vaknin. It's imposible say more on less. Your work and your lectures makes my brain a fireworks box with hope about the understanding of the false self. Since y see your videos, i am healing about my identificative introyections that i suffered with some perverse patients. Thank you very much, and please, keep teaching us.

[@gracewarrior12]

Omgosh. This is right on point. My mom spoiled/rescuer me n my dad psychology neglected me. I'm so overwhelmed n traumatized right now. I don't kno wat to do. And I'm scared. I'm the only child n I had a traumatic brain injury n I still live with both my parents. They blame me for my issues bc I cope n soothe myself with drugs. I'm playing the victim yes. I have nobody n no coping skills or survival skills.

[@carolinekamya2339]

leave - get out by any means necessary

[@michellewright1318]

The best advice I ever received was on the day I gave birth to my first child. My mother told me to hold on to that baby tight. That day, he was mine. Every day after was about letting go a little bit at a time. Little ones are like tether balls that make larger and larger circles. You are the fulcrum. And I adore Buber. His concepts were based on the Looking Glass Self. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking-glass_self

[@allannielsen5308]

It,s really brilliant how you explain this proces, thank you for you effort to bring out …wonderfull and very importen -tru information 👍

[@kav392]

Professor Vaknin, thank you for your amazing and insightful lectures! Certainly your channel is the best resource on personality disorders. For those of us sharing custody (50/50) of a two year old with a “dead mother”, do you have any practical advice, a protocol of how to do our best to reduce the chances of our child turning into a Pinocchio/dead person? I did watch your lecture on epigenetics/narcissism and nature vs nurture. The legal system is inadequate in these cases.

[@samvaknin]

Do your homework and search my channel before you take my time.

[@kav392]

Thank you! I will certainly research your channel more in depth. Perhaps I am equally inadequate as a parent for choosing a partner like that to have a child with...

[@bridgetmontgomery6927]

No physical love as a child. (Hugs, kisses, etc.) Very much isolation and idolation in the home.

[@TheNewsJenorator]

I live with what I believe is a covert narcissist. He is so codependent and needy. He monitors everything that I do and views anything I do independently of him as injury. He’s so sensitive. He does not want to do anything without me it’s like he would not exist without me. I feel totally drained. I can’t get through to him to see how we could be together but individuals. He does not want to do anything without me it’s like he would not exist without me. I feel totally drained. I can’t get through to him to see how we could be together but individuals. If he praises me he wants exactly the same back equal for equal. What can I do?? It’s different than overt. I constantly live in guilt of not doing enough. If I draw a line or a boundary he takes it as personal offense, and makes it seem like I’m selfish. But I am confused because he can be very kind.

[@levimahaffey2608]

Well that seems super weird. Just tell him straight up you need space. But I understand covert narcs love to play the push pull game. But a narc wanting space usually involves them wanting time to find more supply. They purposely an will tactfully annoy the hell out of you till you want space an want them out of your hair. They them get fake mad give silent treatment an start coming an going whenever they feel the need. An start the cycle of finding supply. It's a never ending game

[@levimahaffey2608]

@Lia N. Gkasouka same thing. If the partner is being triangulated which is their favorite tactic they want to create space. They create this space through passive aggressive behavior. If called on it they play victim act as if you are being paranoid or controlling an acting narcissistic by not letting them have their cake an eat it also. They get supply they crave either way.

[@SK-no2pp]

Sounds like borderline personality disorder

[@levimahaffey2608]

@@SK-no2pp nah just modern westernized female aka borderline.

[@SK-no2pp]

Levi Mahaffey sorry you’re so bitter and dealing with the wrong women. I can generalize and say the same about all men

[@JamesDevon]

@Sam Vaknin have you considered writing children's books? Do you think your lessons could be encoded and disseminated by such a medium?

[@samvaknin]

I wrote two children's books but never published them. Great idea and an important medium!

[@dania688]

It would be interesting to consider the correlation between the fairytales of different nations and the psychological portrait of those nations. (Russian children stories and local redesign of the famous stories of other nations made me curious). I'll check for details and mention them in further comment.

[@dania688]

Sam Vaknin Is it possible to see your children stories someday in some form? Very interesting how the healthy narrative looks like)

[@L.Hodson]

Well... I think I’m narcissist and I always saw me as a good person!

[@Pandazz79]

Me too, until i had my collapse When did you have your collapse?

[@unicorndnaranja5865]

Wow, first time I heard someone discuss what I have considered to be modern replacements of religion, secular religions/gods (ie money) beautifully put.

[@RamboMambo32]

Hi Prof Vaknin, is there anyway you can you make a video about parentified children? Can these children turn into narcissists? Does having been parentified necessarily equate to having had a narcissistic parent? Your videos are very helpful to me, but I haven’t found one on this topic, maybe I’m missing it somewhere, but would love to see what you have to say. Thanks!

[@samvaknin]

If I make additional videos (no one seems to watch them), I will most certainly tackle this.

[@RamboMambo32]

@@samvaknin Your efforts are not in vain, I swear they help me understand my life in so many ways. They seriously help me. Thank you so much! 🙏🙏🙏

[@gwenlock]

What about if the parents are "buddy parents" or "friend parents"? Produce narcissists as well? Never mature emotionally? And then if those parents die when the spoiled child is in their 30s? Recipe for disaster? As an aside ... "jills?" Lol! Fishes have gils not jills. Heehee! G as in good. 😉

[@ViolaRigs]

I heard so many experts from personality disorder subject but Prof Vaknin is the most knowledgeable and accurate. I just wonder if children with autism are not growing because reality is translated to them, and there is also an overprotective attitude from parents. How do you expose a child with severe autism to reality?

[@sisi3785]

Thank youuu 🌟🌟🌟🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@michelecensani9024]

What if her mother died in early years and she has been grown and nurtured by another woman?

[@anabandana666]

this video is incredible

[@drunkmonk5601]

Dr Vaknin, may you please share where I can find this published report which you mentioned showing how covid has appeared from a result of a chain of precursor factors?

[@samvaknin]

www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/aug/30/rampant-destruction-of-forests-will-unleash-more-pandemics

[@softhard649]

@@samvaknin I'm afraid he will kill me I'm afraid for my children. I not have job or where to go..I want divorce but I can't :( :( ....

[@drunkmonk5601]

thank you

[@nonymousjones7204]

@@softhard649 are you ok?

[@actuaciencia3463]

I was looking for the reference in New Scientist july 2016 but I could not find int :(

[@samvaknin]

Why? Are you amputated? Legally blind? Or just intellectually challenged? Google new scientist narcissism and stop wasting my time!

[@sloene72]

Oh you mean about Covid and the evidence being in New Scientist...I too didnt know about these pre-cursor events nor that this Covid truly was from a bat. There is talk of a bio-weapon. Agree we need to stop cutting down forests though and learn to live with our environment

[@emanoildura727]

42:00 take notes

[@bridgetmontgomery6927]

Also, I was adopted from the hospital

[@jmart9414]

Accordingly every single human (technology not included) haa initial trauma....I have an autistic adult son dx'd in 1985 @ 20-26 months of age...born in 1982. Regressive autistic behaviour. Developed on POINT before language became regressive at approximately 16-18 months. Early, before 'autism' became a LABEL. What's your professional view of this quite strange disorder?

[@jmart9414]

Also, I had a very ' Catholic' initiated model from my very good Mother and at 5 years of age, 'packed clothing took a dime' and ran away ... Across the street to a vacant wooded lot. Stayed until dark. No one came to find me . From that time I was very disattached from humans. Preference for animal companionship. Later dx'd with borderline person disorder (age 16). What's up with me? My son ?Studied philosophy for a semester in college.

[@RaisingMyWildflowers]

​​@@jmart9414You might be autistic.