Unforgiving Narcissist Hoovers to Revenge, Holds Grudges

[@louiseramsey1571]

"Absence parading around as a presence". 👌

[@ReymondMaldonado]

Time heals all wounds in human beings not in narcissists! That part 🗣️

[@johntracey4196]

💯% absolutely true

[@TDGCmote]

okay i'll but more therapy instead if healing then

[@johnkosi6798]

More time means more opportunity for grievance ruminating.

[@suzystone244]

Narcissist = no empathy = No remorse = Got out = Stayed out = Recovery does happen ❤

[@maryfrances1307]

I love your story. Short, sweet, and to the point.

[@kayb947]

No contact is the only way . Walk away when they try to engage in small talk to get a foot in the door. Walk away with no expression.

[@juliie007]

That’s what I did too with a narcissistic relative had to cut them out completely and that includes the flying monkeys who are readily gullible to be manipulated by the narcissist.

[@debhadden205]

​@@juliie007Heartbreaking. I am scared this might be what I'm going to have to do.

[@Admin-gy3kd]

@@juliie007I did that now he’s stalking me 😢

[@jaijai8829]

Yes!! He s stalking me like crazy since i bloked him! When he wasn t bloked he would n t give me any attention, always busy! They are very sick, i m aware he s comin back for revenge!

[@KathySpaulding-o3i]

The narcissist told me, “Don’t you dare ruin my reputation.” I replied, “You did that all by yourself.”

[@anon.decoding_card]

Were you not able to do it anonymously? it drives them crazier.

[@MJacobsHarris]

Goodness you always tell me, Narcissist are not human. I truly believe and agree. I find myself always saying they dont have feelings.

[@AboveAndBeyond17]

They have feelings,but..only the bad ones.

[@Fawn-hv7mx]

According to Black's Law Dictionary the word 'human' means 'monster'. Interesting world we live in.

[@fredrikburstrom-cw1ho]

If you see any positive feelings they are not Narcissist

[@lucyhanks500]

@@fredrikburstrom-cw1holike laughing at human behaviours like they’re normal and even comical? Perspective of artificial intelligence in what’s socially acceptable and what’s seriously unkind and culturally corrosive?

[@MJacobsHarris]

Sam you’re always on point. I want revenge myself, on the narcissist for being such a nasty individual.

[@GLsJAwtomatica]

Their miserable existence is their karma; they have no access to positive emotions

[@lauradelregno99]

@@deborahserafin8253 Love your comment, I used to feel the same way as the first commenter. Understanding the mental disorder gives you closure.

[@Thriverforall]

​@SherriFlemming I went no contact with the family. But why they always seem to look happy in public

[@LvndrBeez]

My mom …. I blocked her for the first time and my creativity is coming back now

[@dominusbalial835]

I was a feral child raised by a single mother suffering some kind of strange maternalistic psychosis. But she kept me locked up for 22 hours day, until i got into school because she wasn't actually doing it consciously as abusive but rather was manifesting maternal instincts in the absolute opposite and worse way? it was so strange her behaviours were close to the exact opposite reaction she should have had. She didn't let me have any autonomy either, she wouldn't let me shave my moustache for example because she didn't want me to cut my lip and get hurt. When I attempted to express autonomy and violated this ruling and cut my lip the first time I was shaving. My mother physically assaulted me, because she didn't want me to hurt myself shaving my lip. Doesn't make any sense does it? Best thing I ever happened to me was separate from my family system which was just my mother. She kept herself isolated and kept me isolated from my family. And honestly I don't think I could ever integrate myself because i'm also autistic on top of being horrifically abused. Although I've never experienced what I'd consider a healthy relationship where I was valued, I worry that i'm wrong but I can never figure out how i could possibly be wrong unfortunately. But it just seems statistically improbable the amount of shit i've encountered with relationships with people. Anyways sorry for the rant, I also haven't slept in 2 days because I suffer from some form of mild chronic stress related insomnia? Give yourself a lot of time, I don't know your relationship with your mother, mine was not normal or healthy at all, many parents aren't. This might be one of the best things that ever happened too you if you give it a little time. I hope things get better for you my guy.

[@danmeck5978]

The ex tried to hoover me just 1 week after i humiliated him in court. I would have to be dead in the brain to not realise he wanted me back just to punish me 😅.. The man didn't even have the patience to let the dust settle a bit. Loser!

[@nynckeschepen2750]

Dear prof. Vaknin, yet another piece of the what - the- hell- happened- in - my-relationship?!- puzzle that I am solving step by step. I feel a deep gratitude for the books you have written and video's you made. All the work you have done. The video's and writings are so spot on, sometimes mindblowingly accurate. 😅 Thanks Sam for every puzzle piece that saves me from going crazy...

[@pjmrees]

This video is Perfect timing. My Nex has been trying to rehoover after the divorce he insisted on. I had a gut feeling it was a rouse trying to get back at me. He's mad that I am not crying to get him back. He was embarrassed in court when he thought the divorce was based on irreconcilable differences but I counter claimed with adultery and abuse with video and pictures. I believe he's out for revenge.

[@erickonassis6310]

Yes, he wants to destroy you...watch out for the I m sick hoover, I had no one else to call

[@nadinesoussi7352]

Professor ,you are amazing ,it's like you are living in their heads.

[@charlesscholton5252]

Hoovering for revenge is spot on tactic.

[@CleoVer-k1v]

Great video that describes this behavior of eternal resentment very well. I myself was always stunned at how someone could be so unforgiving, be offended by every little thing and hold my "misbehavior", no matter how small, against me forever. Until I understood that I was dealing with an (undiagnosed) narcissist. It took me a long time to "swallow" this because it was an old university friend who I trusted and who I actually used to really like. But I can't maintain a friendship with such "grudge holders". Such a shame. And I feel sorry for these people.

[@aleksandraola5250]

My sweet, lovely amazingly vise teacher thank you from the depths of my hearth for your lectures . Breaking up with a narcissist year ago ,suffering trough a 3.5 year relationship with him left me depressed and drained ..how could the man that made all those promises to love me forever to never leave me block me from his life when i wanted to make things right between us ..when he told me he cares for me ..what you say in your lecture helps me to understand the ins and outs of our relationship

[@Chez8922-kf6cy]

The last straw for me was when I called my covert narcissist sibling out on Facebook in front of a couple hundred people from our home town for stealing stuff out of our father's house after our father died. He did it. My dad's family took his side. I had to cut contact with our entire family because he went on a vicious Machiavellian smear campaign. It was impossible for me to do anything because he lives in the same town as the family and I'm a hundred miles away. Its been ten years now and he still paints me as bitter, holding on to animosity and ashamed of myself. He's tried forcing contact twice. I never gave in. I even had to walk away from burying our father's ashes because he refused to bury our father for five years after he died. Then he told the whole family i wont bury our father. It was a setup the whole time.

[@Chez8922-kf6cy]

This will be a grudge he holds til his grave!

[@annatetiad.4991]

great job - yes, often they will infiltrate your family to get them on his/her side. Key is to focus on your journey forward and only that. But narcissists do hate when you win especially in court, etc.

[@mesalouis8976]

Demons

[@MrHDProd]

How can we get those type of peoples in jail ? Why do we have to deal with those type of individuals ?

[@samvaknin]

Stalking and harassment are criminal offenses in most jurisdictions.

[@CoiutzMicutz]

​@@samvakninwhat if theyre married?

[@dominusbalial835]

How would you leverage society to help you if your autistic? I feel completely and utterly isolated from support networks and completely and utterly at the mercy of anyone in society. It's seemingly impossible for someone to actually do something wrong too me, even when I explain in extreme detail why and/or how i find "X" comment or "X" situation uncomfortable or offensive to be put in or have directed towards me. But then somehow I'm overly sensitive? and yet at the same time I'm also insensitive? How to I organize myself in a manner that's conductive towards society not singling me out to generate neuroticism in or exploit. If my paranoia is continually validated and reinforced by real world experience from my friends and family, is it paranoia? Am I potentially narcissistic? I've been told I was narracistic before I even got into school dozens of times, was called narcissistic by my elementary school teachers, by my bother, by my mother. I can't see anything i've done to anyone in particularly, that wasn't a result of social ineptness at least, that could have upsetted other people. What does it say when strangers in your personal life treat your better than your close friends? Thank you for all your videos too you've provided me with a wealth of education I watch your content almost everyday sometimes a few times a day. @@samvaknin

[@dominusbalial835]

I don't feel superior I feel very isolated and vulnerable, I live a very schizoid style of life.

[@Konstantinos143]

Thank you so much Pr Vaknin - this explains PLENTY about the overall behavior of certain individuals in my life in the past 9 years!

[@zenmaiden1]

Yes Insists on betrayal that never happened in a created scenario - yes he said cannot be salvaged, ruminates . Punitive indeed, death by 1000 cuts.

[@kristinapace]

Yes yes yes and playing gospel songs like they are a true patriot ..... It's sooooo hard bitting my tounge

[@kristinapace]

Hopefully I will be gone soon I pray I pray

[@Tinga666]

From the bottom of my heart I thank you Sam. Your videos give me strength and educate me. You saved me from a Hoover.

[@Brandileadiane]

Every description is 100% Accurate. You're scientific knowledge on the subject is Astounding!

[@lilithjesus7718]

Prof V, thank you . What you're describing just puts into external real words that which i have been perceiving and my gut has been saying about a past love of my life. As a former victim of lifelong gaslighting, you being well qualified and articulate and explicitly explaining with such great accuracy that which was mostly in my private inner world is a lifesaving dynamic. 🙏 I can't thank you enough.

[@jayfakhuri]

Invaluable advise!!!! Thank you my good man. Thank you for your work.

[@hauntedsalmon7931]

An ex started a grow op with his brother. He went to pick up his grade school children and threw a couple of beer cans he was drinking out of the car. A parent saw that and reported it. The police wrestled and handcuffed him at home. His brother panicked and removed the grow op evidence to his control only. Years later, this guy was stealing his brother’s pot opening his door with a butter knife. When I asked why he was stealing, he told me , “He owes me”! Forever I guess.

[@Acceptancetoday]

Big switch about 2 weeks in and it never stopped. Wanted money he thought he had a right to

[@angiemcguinness355]

Very interesting and illuminating. Thank you Sam.

[@charliebubbles9501]

Excellent and very illuminating. 👍🏻

[@sandrabugarin5874]

You are so great honorable professor, thank you for healing us!

[@superfields1194]

I love your videos Sam they offer the most professional reasoning of Narcissists. I watch them often for growth and recovery. I have been no contact and the ex has tried to reachout through email which i cannot block entirely as its gmail. But i refuse to read it.

[@DamienEng-uz6di]

Once you leave he will attack everything around him Then his paranoia will be unbelievable DO NOT BE THE LAST TARGET

[@Dee-b6r]

Yes I am speaking from my experience and I am still going through the process of getting the lengthy process of researching for this information

[@janiseluvspink8769]

i ghosted my narcissist after i found solid proof he was cheating he made tiktok videos making himself the victim in one vid he was singing with an angry face singing the song by reo speedwagon take it on the run baby🙄

[@annaconcepcion1249]

Check to each! He's holding a grudge and hoovers to punish!

[@erikabanga-i2z]

Thank you for the videos . They have been so informative and very insightful ❤

[@johnhumphries505]

The doctors description is a blueprint of my family. Even when the scapegoat (me) achieves creativity and is popular the others directly and indirectly set out to destroy them in all the ways described. Why did I stick around to fix things? No one can accept at the deepest that they are not loved and will go to any lengths to correct it.

[@pattyrooney1323]

Thank you, Sam.

[@johnhumphries505]

My mother ended up stealing my popular work (jewelry) putting her name on it and getting away with it before dementia wiped her memory.

[@francesvacas9332]

The problem can be that when those related to the narcissit ( your own family for eg) see and understand no contact as a grudge or even a vendetta.

[@maryfrances1307]

The problem can be that you care more about what other people see and understand than you do your own sanity and safety.

[@leslypompy1357]

superb teaching. thank you .

[@Ellethebutterfly]

Thank you! This is a very accurate explanation.

[@tricia5104]

Thank you for your knowledge

[@Acceptancetoday]

Learned that he donned a toupee and made false identity 20 years younger……wow wow

[@BNyaB]

😳😳😳

[@StefanieDonnelly]

How could they have so much confidence with a hair hat ? What?

[@hopeinhumanity.]

I remind myself of uncanny valley, thanks Sam

[@OlympianVenus]

@Sam Vaknin, if he fails to get revenge, can they take it on their next supplies ?

[@samvaknin]

Yes. It is called “displacement”.

[@DamienEng-uz6di]

After 30 years he will do this NO MATTER WHAT

[@dumpmail-xz2qp]

my ex lunatic friend would Constantly bring back the same issues no matter how many times I tried to talk things out with her. She kept reliving the same thing because she cant regulate herself when she feels hurt for whatever reason

[@alnasorensen2205]

I had a boyfriend when I was 19 years old who love bombed me until I grew so uncomfortable that I broke up with him. 38 years later he contacted me again shortly after my husband passed away. I love bombed me and in my state of grief, I fell for it. He told me he never got closure about our break-up and that old love never rusts. We got married and he borrowed my sizeable inheritance from me for a short period of time for his "thriving" business. After seven years he has not paid back any of my money and I have now left him and blocked him out of my life. I have started legal proceedings against him to try and get some of my money back. People warned me against him who said he is too good to be true. Is it possible that he carried a grudge against me for almost 40 years?

[@karenellisbrown8169]

I must be a narcissist as I can't forgive him.

[@preciousandrare1777]

That's not good or healthy. The Creator forgives you for offenses against His laws and if you can't forgive? It's detrimental to u and u give power to the people who u can't forgive. Holding a grudge destroys u and keeps u from having peace. It doesn't change anything that's been done. The person goes on living their life while u are being bitter. Forgive and go on with your life.

[@redwarrior2424]

Forgiveness of the perpetrator by the victim is overrated

[@edwing72]

@@redwarrior2424just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to let them back into your life, hatred can rot away your insides if you aren’t careful. At the very least you should consider letting go of the past’s grip on your anger I think.

[@Super1Luckydog]

What about in the case of a possible narcissist who finds out 20 years later that he married a possible borderline's who self trashed with several men? That there was suspicion, lies, gaslighting and deception for 20 years. Can these two ever get over this?

[@Ranaaboufayad]

He is subtly threatening me, and this scares me ..

[@suzanavukolic3538]

Yes, yes and yes. All of these. Yesterday he tried to run me over with a lift truck.

[@BNyaB]

😱😱

[@cleopatras7488]

So if I’ve been with a narcissist who hurt me so bad and wasted 10 years of the best years of my life. Because of him I’m not be a mother in my life. Now I’m so angry of what he did and can’t forgive him. Does that make me a narcissist?

[@cleopatras7488]

@@dawnhandelman308 yes unfortunately I am like you. It took me all these years to understand who he really is. I got IBS because of him. In pain most of the time for years and doctors have no explanation :(

[@KatKos2024]

When they return, please tell them 'Sorry as i really do not know you' -

[@rubberbiscuit99]

I am being hoovered, and thought of this because, well, it is true. And also, he has no idea who I am. Absolutely not a single clue.

[@KatKos2024]

@rubberbiscuit99 Stay firm ✨️🌟

[@venissasanti]

Uncanny timing

[@tippimaravala]

❤pls take care for he will use somebody or other to destroy u if he finds u helping his victim

[@MarciMcNicol-p2r]

The whole stinking family holds a grudge? Seriously folks didn't you learn how to play nice in elementary school? Hmmm I wonder.

[@CharlotteRodgers-d6u]

Oh wow.this i remember laurie used to .always say to me." You win" when there wasnt a competition playing out i was standing my ground and refusing to let him get away with his bullshit...man crazy

[@Drogonmoon]

If she - the narcissist was falling in love, what can be expected ?

[@samvaknin]

Narcissists cannot and do not love. Watch the shared fantasy playlist.

[@urzsulaz2604]

@@samvakninYeah

[@stefandarkveil4664]

Yes. Cheated on her so she had to leave me due to toxic shame. Smeared me all over. Now I have a baby with someone else and living not far. (Although it was not easy on my own, I'm an expat and she is native). She obliterated me for 3 years while I still had feelings for her and is coming back only now. ALL the signs are present. I destroyed her life in 2 seconds, she adored me, she says ... 😅 ( I do believe that by the way )

[@Tinga666]

You’re the best

[@brentdrake5414]

Great video.

[@Ranaaboufayad]

We have a son, and according to our law after divorce i am supposed to be the care giver unless i am accused of some moral offense or getting married again or having affairs.. and he is threatening that he with the help of his lawyer are capable of setting me such a charge .. i am so scared he would do it, I can’t believe he can be such a devil

[@DeeMansfield-lw1pz]

He hates me I sent him back to prison Reality hit hard NOT one of his so called " Friends " would take him Not his daughter who said ahe dosent teust after he went back to the same behaviour as before Im SO ok he hates me He will leave me alone Hes immature criminal behaviour will destroy him He blames everyone else But once he told me my questioning his behaviour thats why he kills people Wicked pure EVIL Hes the victim

[@arkadysoldatov6962]

thank you

[@Dee-b6r]

Curious if you can give any examples of retaliation or punishment etc.

[@VienzoMclaren]

I can give you some examples but it's better if you don't know. It might give you nightmares.

[@emilyaitch8143]

I believe I was dating a narcissist and I fell for this type of Hoover after the restraining order I had on him ended. He graped me and discarded me like a piece of trash 🙃😢

[@CiociaFrania-oo1nu]

What if I can provide proof of his actions?

[@tippimaravala]

❤right on mark u are.🎉 He nxt door now using my neighbour and daughter to control me for him and using my sister and others are used to mind control on me on internet, he wants me to lie that he is hero because he is several ceo amd does a have my barclays cloned card and santander ,he she is trans and wants to be me and i know not loves me at all ,he and tom cruise sabotaged kate of royals, he nxt door and controls and blocks my medical and pushs crazy mental ill on me.i do need help because i have cysts and strokes and he bullies hospitals to neglect me.god bless u ,u mr angel

[@timothylewiswasatchayurveda]

I so want her to see this.

[@fattounaish]

What does the narcissist mean by saying you are stronger than me ?

[@noaha7719]

They tend to assume (i did) that everyone has as much inner turmoil as them, they just believe everyone else handles it better, because they see the selves as inherently deficient

[@GLsJAwtomatica]

Could be that you don't "sweat the small stuff"

[@fattounaish]

@@noaha7719 could be .

[@fattounaish]

@@GLsJAwtomatica may be

[@fattounaish]

@@noaha7719 could be

[@espiritu_]

Dr., what’s the difference between someone wanting an apology and evidence of changed behavior prior to restoring a relationship, and how a narcissist holds a grudge and attempts a Hoover? I have always thought that when someone hurts you, and you want to go no contact, that an apology and evidence of changed behavior was a requirement to repair. However listening to this, it sounds like narcissism. Could you (or someone) elaborate?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the shared fantasy playlist.

[@barbarablackburn4755]

89 yo mother told my N sister she was calling Elder Progective Services about me. VM was mistakenly sent to me. Mother came to visit me , outside only. She days i dont know why you dont want to be eith me. Repeatedly. Grey rock nothing. At last i say " i dont feel safe" i go back inside lock doors and half way up stairs i hear violent crash on front foor. She either kicked hard or her fist on glass. Plainly see her escalation outside flailing fists perilously close to my face. Oh Mom, ...😢😮

[@seekintruth333]

Is this grudge-holding not a radioactive version of scapegoating?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@SarahSkinnyJeans]

Can you get them to forgive you in some sense of you rebuild their grandiosity or would they likely just be devaluing you the entire time? I'm just curious about whether they would accept praise/supply from someone who they have the beginning of a grudge against? One of your other videos describes not wanting a devalued object or whatever once the introjects don't match and they need to reestablish their balance or whatever, but is there even any point in being nice to a narcissist once there are any of the signs you spoke upon in the beginning of this video? (I am trying to keep him..)

[@samvaknin]

No. The process is inexorable and does not depend on you.

[@SarahSkinnyJeans]

@@samvaknin I did not finish the last part of the video before I asked, sorry. Thank you, I understand now.

[@wkwndndhshhshs]

Fascinating 31:11 31:20 31:27 .

[@wkwndndhshhshs]

An internal process which is utterly unpredictable. Wow .. that is scary. 37:12 No contact seems to be a great solution. maybe the only solution?

[@C4RYB34R]

I was hoovered. I just got back the night before last.

[@guilhermecastro292]

gosh, sometimes I am so nice to people, and when they try to fuck things up thats what I do hehe Im quite tough if I want to, but Im so lazy nowadays... you dont want me coming back at you, cause you're gonna pay more than you deserve to, and even I dont want you to be in such a prejudice keep up with the good work, professor!

[@Rubyrun2068]

Yooo I definitely made the right move bc he did say I caused too damage to him and all those meltdowns couldn’t have been for nothing 💀🥴

[@tippimaravala]

❤ he she is has many identities and is nikki nicolava four powencett ter ilford who fixed up my computer and mobile now and is fake dion dior and has been growing cannibies in my loft and using my hot water,cold and electricity and put shower up there and owns k and t heating who help him her