"I Miss ME!": Self-estrangement in Narcissistically Abusive Relationships

[@jesyjones5078]

One day, he asked me if there was someone else. I told him that there was someone else.. ME

[@livinggrace4148]

💯

[@TechiRaveDog]

I love this reply 💋

[@payla8308]

🫰😮 yes.

[@rockysoulmusic2024]

Mic drop!!

[@brendasheppard126]

I’m going to remember that 😊

[@rubberbiscuit99]

I could hardly listen to this video because of how clear and accurate the explanations are of what I experienced. Narcissistic abuse is a slow spiritual death. If you survive it, get out, and do your healing work, you can be reborn, in a sense. This experience changed me down to a cellular level. After it, I could no longer stomach the family narrative (shared fantasy?) that I grew up with, nor could I tolerate the abuse that the members of my family of origin were dishing out. A truly transformative experience, not for the faint of heart.

[@ClaudetteMiss]

"I could hardly listen..." That's so relatable! I often take as long as a week to finish one his videos. Thick, deep, painful stuff to wade through, but I trust getting to stable shore is well worth it

[@ivoryrosem]

I separated from my NPD when my son was around 7 years old. He's now 10. A few months ago, he said he had no memories of me from when he was younger, despite my having been a stay at home mother and the constant presence in his life. However after we had moved out and the conditioning had come undone, he told me finally got to meet his mom and she was really cool. You don't realise how enmeshed and brainwashed you become in the dynamic, to the point there is no difference between you and the NPD. You disappear and you can't even see it.

[@y_yy_2844]

They want you to feel their feelings for them and live their life for them because they can't do these things.

[@ivoryrosem]

@@y_yy_2844 I would agree in many respects. He used to say I caused him anxiety when I would stray into myself and stop performing the snapshotted introject he'd created of me in his head. Obviously all of Sam's words. The more I've studied, the more I have realised the extreme loss of self I was chasing as a means to ameliorate something I had no hope of fixing. I don't think he wanted me to live his life, he just wanted me to live mine 'His way'.. after all.. to suffer NPD abuse is to sustain a pained, lingering death.

[@dw_thecreator]

This 😢 … I completely understand.. there’s no way my kids was getting to know me… cuz I was deeply enmeshed in my exes delusion.. trying my best to mom stuff while walking on eggshells.. still the best role model.., all I can do is model new ideas and concepts now. And that they also need to see.. how change is possible..

[@belcrr1]

Sam keeps me from forgetting, so I don’t go back and do it again! Thank you, Dr Vaknin. You are a lifesaver.

[@jasnanelson912]

EVERY. WORD. 🙌 For a long time, I would think there is something wrong with me. Like losing my mind; almost like out of body experience. I would think "this is not me, something is off and strange". Then I would go to him, tried to find the answers. Silly me. And one day, in the kitchen, I died. I felt it through my body and mind. And that's when I left him, after 8 years!! It was the day when the pain became bigger than the fear.

[@doreenplischke2169]

Yes. Exactly. 👌🏼

[@rostamr4096]

It is the narcissistic voice.. constantly drilled into my mind that has alienated me from who I used to be...but somehow I know I can get back to who I was before marrying her...

[@nealbeard1]

Total separation is the only path.

[@TechiRaveDog]

I would appreciate your take on the fact that most victims who are in a narcissistic relationship have a narcissistic parent/parents but did not become narcissists but have borderline struggles as they fight their neurosis therefore found themselves in repeated relationships narcissists relationships because it feels familiar like home and narcissist sence this as a victim to ensnare

[@samvaknin]

Watch the shared fantasy playlist.

[@romygarcia3782]

This is indeed how it works … one day you look in the mirror, and you ask yourself who is staring back at you … you are just a shadow of who you used to be. Trying to find your way back to YOU is a long journey, I can tell, and I’m not there yet. But I say to myself not to give up believing that one day, I’ll find myself back again 🍀🙏🍀 Thank you Sam, and Happy Valentines Day ❤

[@TechiRaveDog]

I’m a little confused because I don’t like to fathom “someday” what about today NOW remember this moment of clarity for the rest of your life. Hard to do but only way out

[@carolinekamya2339]

its good you still new who you were before, narc never knew so there is no one to return to internally

[@platypusninjakc8769]

This video blew me away. Trying to dig into my self to find my true self again. It’s like trying to find a diamond in a rock quarry.

[@AccidentalCarnivore-ul3kg]

My mother was the worst ‘thing’ that could have ever happened to me. She tried to destroy my life. When I was finally able to get out from her grasp…I did not even know who I was. It’s been more than a half century and I’m still trying to salvage and pick up the pieces of my life. I’m still glad to be alive. I still have hope! ❤

[@enriquemighty-nw8zj]

The world needs one of you in each continent.

[@alanbravo5830]

"It took us centuries to make them believe that we are no more than just bad dreams." - Marlow, 30 Days of Night (2007)

[@alanbravo5830]

Thank you for sharing you knowledge Prof. Vaknin.

[@feminineresilience]

I remember that moment clearly. I looked at myself in the mirror and I said : I miss myself. That was the moment I realized the relationship had to end and I ended it and started my healing journey that brought me back to me and helped me rediscover my essence and reclaim my power

[@elleevans5730]

I had a dream long ago that aspects of my living relatives were haunting the house they grew up in, hiding in cabinets. I’ve always associated the dream with their childhood abuse and it’s ongoing effects, though the ghosts were of their adult selves. This explanation gives some depth as to why I would imagine twin adult selves (as “ghosts”) hidden in a house with bad childhood memories. Something like an ongoing suicide by Narcissism… These estranged aspects of true selves that have been put to unrestful sleep and are hidden away behind doors and away from the living counterparts. That “uncanny” feeling of “ghosts” - more than a haunting memory being replayed, it makes sense that some essential part or personality aspect that should be integrated and embodied is left behind un-naturally (so to speak).

[@nat6442]

Yes..everything seems to be very dull...i feel just old and not attractive..where as with this idiot we were so happy and it seemed to be the everlasting love..like a fantastic dream...he just changed his mind over a sudden as if he was a robot that changed the programme 😢

[@ritaesp69]

Intense, heartbreaking but enlightening and healing. Thank you Dr. Vaknin❤

[@helenas7416]

The most evocative, powerful description of the insidious poisonous takeover by the narcissist, and the excavation of the soul of the other, that I have ever encountered. The accuracy was spinetingling.

[@BL-sd2qw]

I miss me

[@sabrinacastellano8332]

I greatly look forward to the next video on this. Your insight and expertise in this is awesome inspiring. Thank You. I am ready to learn the way of reviving and resurrecting the inner self, my core sense and true self, perhaps not as it was but as I am now. To take the experiences and learn from them and return to an autonomous self, capable of love, and all the emotions I have shut down. There must be a way to do this. I refuse to live as this shell of myself any longer. Thank in you in advance for helping us regain our self recognition and self love. I will get there however hard it is and however long it takes. I refuse to be a victim, despite having been victimised.

[@anncostello5894]

Hello Sam, I feel good that I listened to this episode. I never heard this splitting of self being described so clearly before. A lack of belief in self. Due to codependance and having the voice in my head like a negative critics. The constant feeing and hearing the put downs like.... External locist of control. When I rember to use logic to know I'm ok as I was once a person with good self esteem. Grew up in a very disfunctional family. Long story but at last I am directing my own existence and learning to love myself again!!! Feel good enough.. Thank you so much I'll have to listen to this a couple of time to remind myself of the me who existed before the abuse. ❤️ Much love and appreciation

[@almarios9164]

Thank you, Dr. Vaknin! Thank you! I am more aware of where I have been.

[@winter-i-i]

This makes me cry! the entire lecture is a literal description of my experience. I'm so sick of myself.

[@thelau61]

That's exactly how it feels.

[@kellyandaaron2005]

I first briefly dated my ex narcissist partner 18yrs ago. It was brief & I moved on. 14yrs later, we reconnected & had a 4yr relationship. I finally broke free & have been no contact for 5mths. What I find interesting, he had collected 100's of photographs of me off of social media throughout those years apart & he would change the colors of my make up, hair length/color, ect. using apps & such. He did the same during the 4yr relationship. He did this obsessively in my opinion. It always made me uncomfortable, but never said anything. Is this a common behavior in narcissism?

[@dominusbalial835]

that is a little interesting

[@LorieH-v4i]

@@dominusbalial835 From what I understand , Professor Vaknin has stated that one way to keep a narcissist around in order to dodge discard (if one wants to do so) is to frequently change everything ab your appearance . Hair color , clothes . It triggers them to think of you as a “different “ person mimicking the replacement aspect of the relationship which is their ultimate goal . So your ex changing hair color in pics ,etc falls right in line with what Prof. Vaknin stated in a video about how to keep the narcissist since some people actually try to do this . Changing your appearance sort of mimics his fantasy of replacing. Definitely narcissistic.

[@kellyandaaron2005]

@@LorieH-v4i Thank you!

[@TechiRaveDog]

Obviously not. Not everyone plays with photoshopping apps. Snapshots are taken different ways but always taken since Vaknin makes this statement over and over again. Listen up and stop being self absorbed with the asshole you know

[@kellyandaaron2005]

@@alicelopez130 Wow! I've never heard of anyone having that same experience.

[@jameshicks7125]

I listen to your videos as part of my continuing education and passion for psychology and psychoanalysis. I have commented on a few about my experience with a narcissistic partner of 15 years. I have been out of that relationship since 2016. At the end, I was completely reduced to an infantile, psychotically depressed and suicidal state. At which point I became an Albatross around his neck and was kicked to the street. At the time, we were living in Bangalore India, so I was homeless on the street in India trying to survive. I am also HIV+ and was developing AIDS related complex. The police got me off the street dying with AIDS and into Bangalore Baptist Hospital. The the US Embassy got me back to the US where I was homeless in San Francisco and still healing physically and not yet recovering psychologically. Going into the relationship I ignored all of the red flags and was immediately brought into the shared phantasy, that together all of our dreams would come true. It was the worst 15 years of my life all I remember was anxiety and one psychological trauma after another. I have very few memories of that period other than the trauma and pressing anxiety. There was one point a few years before the end where I dug my heels in and demanded that I was going to produce a music and laser light show hoping to rekindle my own interests and previous path. He sabotaged the show by controlling the deadlines. I produced an incredibly complex show to be performed at a winery in a few months. Something that I should have worked on for a year to polish. The show was barely acceptable, and I pulled it off with all of the clumsiness and disorganization of the relationship introjected into. When I think back on that I still get horrible, wincing cringes. Spasms as if my limbic system is giving me an electrical shock with that memory and many others.

[@WickedThingsThisWayComes]

Divine timing, Dr. Vaknin. Thanks so much. 🤗🥰🤗

[@mikyclaude]

I will listen Profesor Vaknin every day on!! Until i get heal , out, gain myself again and after. Thank you !

[@Eirenman]

Согласна со всем сказанным. Именно по причине отстранённость возникающей в терапии я ее прервала. Помню я сидела в кресле, уставившись в одну точку, но уже ничего не чувствовала, жуткая омертвелость внутри

[@techjunkie68smusicandtech56]

I have gained a lot of insight from you Sam, and I am happy to tell you that with the help of your work, my own work on myself I have now started to find myself again, it was dark but necessary to learn this way but I will make it out of this dark place and be stronger than before. I still have work to do but I feel a lot more positive about myself than I have done for a long time. I am grateful to the great support I have received from my therapists (both physio and talking therapists) but also grateful for my own capacity to recognise my problems and seeking help to resolve these issues.

[@LorieH-v4i]

…and I continue to try find myself back to me . I think I’m almost there but because a lot of therapy , EMDR and of course Prof. Vaknin’s videos which have helped immensely and I have asked myself what I could’ve done differently or how I could’ve done better just as he as stated in this video .

[@only1riley]

Thanks for the clarification. I never had flashbacks, just negative physical responses to traumatic memories.Intrusive thoughts throughout the day. Places and things triggering bad memories that made being free of the narsist impossible. Feelings of dread and imagining scenarios in which my narcissis found me. I recently had a dream state that happened within moments of falling asleep in which the darkness was crushing me from above and i was trying to wake / open my eyes..I wondered if it was what death fekt like. Estrangement was me shutting off my fear and thoughts to just do what came easy and to receive what the narsist promised me,never-ending attention and direction. I was like a lemming hearing the call to the deep. I was free of any responsibility, i wasn't making any choices, i just followed it. Like the children hearing the Pied Piper's pipe,I'd just turn and go to him. I didn't have to fight anymore, i was safe in that i was doing what he wanted. I was no longer the disobedient child,I was good, i was his.I eventually got rid of my car in my true desire to free myself and stop the child in me from doing whatever it wanted.I no longer was stuck in the feeling of learned helplessness. I would no longer put myself in danger nor disassociate and watch myself being eradicated. He would of killed me,if i continued.

[@TryM.yVivier]

I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW ACCURATE this description is. Thank you.

[@wendymerrillperry9699]

Wonderful summation of this material

[@InspiredRenegade]

Every word and way you are describing here for the narcissistic relationship can be OVERLAID with my Christian "relationship with God". I have literally hollowed myself out with "self estrangement" and "self abandonment" to accommodate this external image we call God. Religion has been the most toxic experience in my life, and after 50 years I am proud to say that I am in RECOVERY of my SELF! I appreciate your knowledge and wisdom shared, Dr. Sam Vaknin.

[@stacygyuricza2187]

This is interesting because I feel the opposite. I have found so much healing and truer self in connecting with God. Of course getting away from my abuser as well.

[@InspiredRenegade]

@@stacygyuricza2187 , of course this can happen, depending on the psychological state and theology a person is adopting. The main outcome to achieve is the recovery of our core Self/Soul and Self worth! For me...awakening to our true Self and recognizing that our Soul is divine (not vile), is my now means of connecting to "God" through a 'whole Self' or oneness consciousness. ie: God is all.

[@wendyreeves5408]

Recovery from NP abuse has brought brought me out of religion and into a deeper relationship with God. I could never have survived without His strength. I can't flourish without His Presence...

[@InspiredRenegade]

@@wendyreeves5408 I can completely understand this reliance on God. And that serves as a stable bridge for many people. But there is always more expansion of consciousness down the line. 🥰

[@livinggrace4148]

Great video thank you for this teaching wow ❤

[@suelenmatter241]

Sam Vakin, I am very grateful for your videos, I am learning a lot about narcism and psychopathy. I was married to a man who I believe is a schizoid narcissist or psychopath and I went through very confusing situations. Your explanations help me understand everything I went through in marriage

[@Kat.Pinetree]

Bless your heart, Prof! This and your other vids are changing my life. Thanks for how you understand and help us to understand this complex, abstract info. It’s freeing. ❤🙏🏽

[@Divebomb_Dave]

Thank you Professor. I wish I could tell you how much your videos mean to me and are helping. It would take too long to type out and I don’t share too many personal experiences online. But thank you from the deepest of my heart.

[@gemma6267]

Thank you im a year out and its still hard to digest. I do miss me and my life before him.

[@Abundance24.7]

Thank you professor, your insight saved my life! I am forever grateful.

[@denisj6089]

It took me so long to heal and stand strong while i look at them and say "No"

[@MetOmorphicSoul]

He told me im in invisible & always will be. Benieth Scraps. Interesting i believed it because thats how he treaded be, ultimately trsating myself as if i was. . Ive forgiven love & understand how i ended up with him. Give myself compassion for Why i stayed. How i ended up with him. I ended up with ptsd & so many illnesses. Now i am growing healing building filling & getting to know myself. Loving myself. Have boundaries. It's been a long journey, but we are all worth it.

[@saramohr6520]

Wow, superb. Thank you, Professor.

[@JetaimeElizabethmorganHi-qh6vw]

Prof. SAM I WANT ME BACK ,I WAS NOT IN A ROMANTIC THING BUT BETWEEN SON AND WIFE AND A FEW NEIGHBORS PERHAPS MOVING IS WHAT I NEED TO DO ,I AM NOT VERY CONFRONTATIONAL BUT I AM TRYING I AM OLDER 69, I JUST DO NOT WANT THESE MEAN SPIRITED PEOPLE AROUND ME ,I THINK KINDNESS IS BEAUTIFUL BUT I HAVE LEARNED NOT TO THESE MONSTERS YES ALL YOU SAY IS 100 % TRUE BUT DAMN I WANT TO LIVE NOT KILL MYSELF

[@lisademoss9308]

I do not agree with Sam on this. I believe we simply reject phony, insincere, lying, manipulation, and evil. We are the essence of love, kindness, empathy, manners, and morals. That doesn't go away inside us & most important TRUTH. I stayed with my now ex for 21yrs & now am forced to live with my narc. Sister. Their negative, abusive, lying ways repel me and when I can afford it I will leave. Yes, I have anxiety, isolation, and anger but when on my own peace & positivity can & will return. They can not steal my soul. He's just wrong on this one, for me anyway and it sounds like you too. God bless ❤😊.

[@pollyzso]

Mine did accuse me of being the void. Literally.

[@JulianotKaren]

Thank you Prof Vaknin 💜

[@AlexandruSoare-my1gd]

Can’t wait for the next video for treatment

[@samvaknin]

Watch the narcissistic abuse healing playlist.

[@JeetKuneDoBelgrade]

I am still trying to understand if my ex was a covert narcissist or covert BDP, perhaps both. I was strong enough to leave her and cut all contact. She has tried to come back many times but I managed to keep her away. She has another supply, I feel sorry for him. Stay strong everybody!

[@you8just]

sad but true

[@alinajeziorska5959]

Excellent video, thank you Dr Vaknin

[@vildanb8038]

Thank you for your efforts!!! Very helpful info

[@eiffeltower1266]

Happy Valentine's Day Sam! ❤ 😘

[@eli_irani]

Very true 🙂💖 thanks

[@amberfuchs398]

Fantastic lecture. Very helpful.

[@MollyHilton-p2q]

Thank you, Sam. You continue to help me grow in so many ways. You are brilliant.

[@androandric1823]

Thats what happened to my ex wife. She went no contact with her narc mother and then after 2 years she re-established contact with her. She was her golden child which I took away from her and in return I gave her "no contact". In the end my mother in law hooverd and gaslighted her daughter so that she was doing her moms bidding. We are divorcing now and we have a four year old child.

[@charlottepipe4129]

Very helpful. Thank you.

[@hopeinhumanity.]

It’s like looking in a distorted mirror.

[@alejandravincourt4590]

So hard to understand 😪, but really true!!

[@hiron-yf7wq]

What if a few narcissists put an introject in you that is basically all your abusers to control you? It's sickening what these monsters did and how they silence me.

[@nooraal-thani4050]

It feels like you're hacked, it's 100000% easier said than done but the voices in your head should be the voices of the people that love you not the people that want the worst for you. They are monsters, indeed and it is freaking scary - I am not going to lie.

[@butterflies1nthejar]

What happens in recovery? You pick up from where you left off, regardless of age? Develop a 3rd ego? I have a feeling these are stupid questions but I am curious of the process because the previous self seems somehow ,,tainted" or ,,stained"

[@samvaknin]

Watch the Narcissistic Abuse healing playlist.

[@heredith]

amazing video!

[@GoogleUser-kl7qu]

Thank you Sam. Is there a way or are there ways to revive, resuscitate, or “resurrect” the true self from the estrangement? Is there hope for “dead” victims? And what does that involve?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the Narcissistic Abuse Healing playlist.

[@ТеодораКаназирска-п2э]

Hello professor Vaknin where can I contact you for a personal therapy ?

[@StargazingAxolotl-fz4lg]

Can a borderline also induce in their partner the self estrangement response? Since BPD and NPD are two sides of the same coin?

[@samvaknin]

Search the BPD playlist.

[@babydollmybch]

It surely can be a male, more the one, however, you haven't seen anything until female narcissists get a chance to do you in.

[@samvaknin]

Half of all narcissists are women.

[@gerardolopez2575]

Does a toddler living with a narcissistic mother even stand a chance?

[@samvaknin]

No. But the vast majority grow up to be mentally healthy.

[@gerardolopez2575]

@@samvaknin thank you for your answer and your amazing content.

[@fearloathing2447]

Get out of my head Professor

[@user-pk1pc8to3w]

My daugther, now 40, has a Narcissistic personality disorder. For 20 years she has trained me to feel the worst mother in the world. Fortunately I have come to realize that she has NPD about 7 years ago. I live in an other country then she does so we are quit far apart. Sometimes I feel that I wouldn´t mind having no contact with her anymore at all.. all the lying.. and always suspecting me of lying. It seems all becomes fake soo me..even the moment that maybe her little me shines through.. The way she has isolated me (I dont know her friends.., because of this isolating reason is not interested in my friends at all) to be able to keep me as her favorite victim.. I could write a book about it, Its a uttermost horrible and complex disorder. I worry about the mental health of my little grand children..

[@d.h.2745]

I'm hoping that goodness surrounds you and your grandchildren and your children. ❤❤

[@marciestoddard730]

Hmmm...well..ok theres a slight chance her isolation from you or no contact is because shes npd. Possible that it has nothing at ALL to do with her upbringing? Again, possible but highly unlikely. I assune youre watching these videos with a lens thats wide enough to encompass the self and other objects??

[@marciestoddard730]

Curious what this means "even the moment that maybe her little me shines through.." You suspect her reflection of you as fake and refer to it as "little me". Care to reflect more on that for funsies?

[@beth38368]

Thanks Sam ❤ This explains a lot ! When u finally get to that point when u can see the N for what they really are. You can laugh .... cry and laugh again. It's all quite a joke and a lot of smoke and mirrors 🪞