Promiscuity: Psychology of Self-Soothing with Sex (oh, and Relationships)

Sex is a form of self-soothing for some folks. It is meaningless - but so is everything and everyone else in their lives
There are three types of promiscuity: frequency, conditional-contextual, and standards.
In Frequency Promiscuity, the quantity of partners and sexual encounters is statistically abnormal - but some criteria and standards are maintained throughout with regards to mate selection, what little time is spent together, minimal emotions (liking the partner, affection, feeling good in his company), and behavioral choices.
In Standards Promiscuity, the numbers of sexual liaisons and disparate partners are not always high but there are no thresholds or benchmarks as to the type of partner chosen or which behaviors are deemed unacceptable: anyone and anything go.
In Conditional Promiscuity, women reward with sex anyone - even a "bad guy" - who is "nice" to them (attentive, protective, and possessive) and finds them irresistibly desirable. It is a meaningless transactional exchange: emotionless sex swapped for worn out pickup lines: better the wrong kind of attention than none.
The first type of promiscuity is not really casual sex: it involves getting to know the prospective sex partner however superficially and cursorily. The second type is compulsive (intended to ameliorate anxiety and depression) and ego dystonic or impulsive (reckless, emotionless, novelty-seeking behavior) and ego syntonic.
Examples:
A heterosexual man who is frequency promiscuous would trawl bars or swipe dating apps to pick up partners for casual sex. But he would be selective as to the physical type of the partner, her psychology, and background. He would also not do drugs or get drunk senseless or visit a brothel. He would spend some time with her, getting to know her better and making up his mind whether he wants to copulate with her or not.
A heterosexual woman who is standards promiscuous will rarely have a one night stand but, when she does, will do it with anyone anywhere at any time. She would also get drunk senseless, do drugs, go to strip clubs, let herself be groped in public or by multiple men, even make herself available to gangbangs, and so on: no standards or inhibitions.
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[@cyrilliakayy]

I dont suffer during your videos. Your voice is comforting.

[@kathyclancy551]

Sam, you are so intelligent and enlightened. I also love that you are the opposite of misogynistic. Thanks for the new video. Your videos remind me of one of my favorite quotes "Hurt me with the truth. But never comfort me with a lie." I'm starting to see my ex as a product of his trauma as am I.

[@maryannslatteryburrows7228]

Kathy Clancy: Love that quote!!! “Hurt me with the truth, never console me with a lie”...I’ll enter that into my journal today. The truth would set me free, sounds incredibly corny but so freaken true!!!!

[@jurassicthunder]

i bet u don't know the definition of Misandry.

[@LenchikRu]

Love this guy, so sad I only discovered him 6 months ago

[@mihaelaiani3963]

Len R better late than never.

[@Magspirit1]

Fascinating!!!!

[@t.johnson2966]

I discovered him yesterday. It was in recommendations. I think I found him at just the right time!!!!

[@skandhuone]

In divine time you have been the voice of iodine. Thank you.

[@nataliam5744]

This lectures and ALL others are impeccable and are something you won’t find elsewhere. Your therapist doesn’t even know these things. Listen to Sam because he has shown me that my every behaviour fits into patterns and he showed me that my ambiguous behaviour is not absurd. Still a lot of work before me but thank you, Sam

[@bitterapple]

Great video. It really helped me figure out some issues as I used to be partnered with a promiscuous person who was also an alcoholic and I am still recovering from that experience.

[@darrelltregear756]

Same here my partner or expartner is an alcoholic and promiscuous and sex to her is no difference between me and any deadbeat she picks up in a bar.

[@vinnieholly4361]

Sam, you're an absolute wizard!! you've explained everything I've experienced first hand. How appreciative we all should be to have someone so knowledgeable like yourself teaching us what to look out for 🤝

[@marymoeller4742]

The first few minutes of your talk already deserves a 'like'😊. I love your humor.

[@Sadiya92]

This fully describes my ex and how I could never understand half the shit he did and things I couldn’t put into words when I’ve tried explaining to people it seemed so bizarre and unbelievable but this hits the nail on that head!

[@BrandeeMusiala]

Wasn’t expecting the link between body dysmorphia, eating disorders and promiscuity. Super helpful. Thank you!!!

[@liamdawson3813]

Very powerful synthesis at the end. A social prognosis I had been theorizing about, myself, but could not put into such an eloquent and coherent rendition.

[@WesleyCookChannel]

Your description of the dance between the male narcissist and the female psychopath is astounding and makes so much sense.

[@khersongirl3591]

That was the funniest opening ever! You can be a comedian on top of your other accomplishments! Please do more videos on corona. Love your logical approach to that. I'm gonna skip the rest of the video for now (although I really enjoy your work); trying to take a break from narcissism videos; I'm advancing in my healing!

[@Temple160]

Sam ,i have watched you for around 8 years ..you have helped me so much ..thank you 🌈💜🙌

[@gabrielabarsan5168]

Thank you Sam for everything you teach us! I will watch this video too over and over again. Each time I watch again, I learn and understand something new...

[@erasmus9511]

I’ve been binge watching your videos these past days. These are honestly the most informative videos regarding personality disorders topic. Thank you.

[@jennamoore1018]

While I do not want to diminish the value of the preceding insight - the last 5 minutes is indeed worth the wait!! There is so much in it to unpack - especially the idea that women lack the models. And as pointed out, this is an issue for men and women - and one worth exploring if our collective elaboration is to carry forward the joy of intimacy.

[@paigekennedy9887]

Your channel and videos have really blessed me with deeper understandings about so many important topics. The things we are never taught about growing up but that matter so much in our ability to achieve a good quality of life & trying to understand. Thank you Sam!

[@kathleenlynch1961]

Sam, you are one of my favorite people. Your humour is awesome xx

[@rickywayne4266]

Very enlightening listening to this madness being so easily explained. Knowledge is power indeed.

[@avatruth3930]

Thank you!! You answered my prayers when posted this. I forgot to thank you.

[@madmarlowe1422]

When I was young I treated men like snack food. I loved to go to a dark bar and drink excessively. I loved that the alcohol provided a vacation from my mind. I had had bad relationships, where I was cheated on any way, so why not treat men like pieces of meat. I was extremely wild, so just moved to an apartment off of Bourbon Street in New Orleans. I secretly cheated on my boyfriend who worked until late at night. He was gorgeous, but before long it was just boring. It's like Christmas gifts that you long for, but after you get it and play with it, you toss it aside. I've been married now over 20 years and my daughter is very beautiful and has aspects of borderline anger, but not promiscuity (thank God). I threw myself on the boring grenade to give my kids a real shot at life. Something I didn't have, thanks to my borderline mother.

[@AV5oh]

Do you have a personality disorder? What advice would you give a dude to avoid being in your boyfriends position

[@cherisunday]

Many older divorced people find themselves lost and bewildered in today's society. What to do or more important what not to do? Perhaps Sam Vaknin can give us some insight on this dilemma? Although it concerns me to know more on this subject, I will be brave.

[@zeddeka]

It's the eternal problem for every generation as they get older. The world of their youths disappears and is replaced by the world of younger generations, who often have very different perceptions of what is right, fair or acceptable. There's no magic bullet. You have to go out yourself and learn how to learn again.

[@seriouscat2231]

@@zeddeka, some things have changed now more in thirty years than in the three hundred years before that. Not talking technology or communications or information, but social relationships.

[@zedradio3162]

Well done, I love your views and the videos Sam. I had lots of craziness going on between my ears, the first 45 days after the discard. Stockholm syndrome, you name it, I was totally lost in her web and the illusion, but I didn't react, which was a personal struggle, made some right decision. Experienced everything the playbook had to offer, even shrugged off things, that were purposely design to get a reaction. Having never experienced such an animal, it certainly been a challenged, taking my recovery to next level.. I feel sorry for the next guy, she's snares; the older they get, do they get nastier .?( 47+) madness, just like a drug addict in a permanent psychosis, turned my vigilance back on.. Peace..

[@chenal7445]

Dear hostages 😂😂😂

[@waveprinciple6630]

LOL at your intro... I really did laugh out loud.

[@marty_glenn]

Sam. I’m nobody but yes, I do think I’m somebody. I will do a video on this video because I want every single person who comes my way to watch this video and embrace it. What I care about is: I say and do feel harsh words toward you. No need to get into that. With that said…. In this lifetime or the next and if you believe in that sort of thing, I do not, I could not do this video nor speak to the topics as you have. I think you speak too highly and this causes persons watching to not grasp what you are trying to say. With that said I will try to dumb down and help anybody willing to listen the message you are sending for free. There are a few issues at the end I will address and I’m not so sure on the two mother theory either. But for this video and the message: Brilliant! - Marty

[@schwarzeraraberhengst2124]

very amazing. thank u for your timeandgreat work

[@Rossi5007]

Wish I knew before some of the things you told. Anyway I m out of that shitty relationship, thanks God few months before the pandemic. Thanks for great video's, Sam! Greets from The Netherlands

[@alexatsouknakis]

So is promiscuity indicative of a mental health condition or a byproduct of the modern dating scene?

[@nosphy]

both

[@TionneMoore-rp2cr]

You are very welcoming and charming. I love your videos ❤

[@lisamichaels4516]

I smiled when hearing about how the female psychopath can destroy the male narcissist. I suppose that is my inner sadist showing itself. 😳

[@mihaelaiani3963]

Cheers Sam!!!!!!and wellcome

[@ladyoftheveil8342]

He had his girl friends call me a gold digger. I left him and I live off very little but at least I'm far far away from his drama .

[@seriouscat2231]

He just wanted to hear them call him gold.

[@jenneast8611]

If I had a drink, I would do the same thing!

[@sarahsworldjoseph8861]

Am i narcissistic because even though i love him, i can't tolerate him for more than a week. I never ever consider other men and i love being his wife but i love being alone mostly. 🤔

[@JudgeJulieLit]

You sound like a natural introvert; your homeostasis is introspection.

[@sarahsworldjoseph8861]

@@JudgeJulieLit yeah i think I'm a bit weird because most women want to keep an eye on their men.

[@user-ji8ll1qn6o]

@@sarahsworldjoseph8861 hahaha i love this

[@lisamichaels4516]

Sam, what about the kink/BDSM community? Their kink preferences are simply regarded as an alternative lifestyle. Modern sex therapists no longer see this as deviant. And what about the sex-positive movement? Perhaps you can do a video on this topic? (Although part of me is afraid to ask your opinion on this topic due to my participation in this lifestyle.)

[@keithnetzel4210]

I dump my GF recently. I swear she was a narcissist. The flirting in public and wild sex was a huge red flag. An absolutely wild sexual appetite and a body count that was obviously higher than she admitted to. She went crazy when I dumped her

[@butterfly1348]

You were so funny! Love your channel. This explains a lot to me. Wow!

[@linehempel162]

Lov your Sense of Humor

[@84GKAllDay]

So much of this carries over into the gay community.

[@kittymaid420]

im so proud of you sam!!

[@PrometheusRaisin]

Are you working on another book, M. Vaknin? Those are interesting subjects.

[@samvaknin]

I am.

[@harishramachandran2324]

Hi Sam, Why dont you write or speak about female covert narcissit?.. i ve bben searching and am not finding any good material. Plz do a detailed video on this topic, traits, how to identify fast, how to manage them, thx

[@harishramachandran2324]

by the way ive ordered ur book from amazon, i live in uae, waiting for it to reach me. you should make an audible version of it too

[@zedradio3162]

The love bomb, and you being the chosen one are good signs🤣🤣

[@curiousfiend1169]

@@harishramachandran2324 hi there. Check out his channels playlists, pretty certain it is a topic he's previously touched on. Best of luck

[@samvaknin]

samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html and samvak.tripod.com/faq34.html

[@harishramachandran2324]

Sam Vaknin thank you.

[@revenant097]

Feels like you're describing my father. I know it's arrogant to "diagnose" him just like that, but still...

[@gregorylyon1004]

When people are young they don't realize that body count matters . Years down the road they meet a great person to develop a good relationship with. And then that person finds out about their past behavior and it causes a lot of problems for them. Guys don't want a woman who has slept with 20 men while in college. But that same exact guy could have slept with a hundred women in college and that's okay to him. It's true

[@ourbeach4001]

Ok so let me not explore new experiences with casual sex and self identity so my future partner, who sounds like a loser with low self-esteem, will approve of me and appreciate my low body count. Yeah ok

[@DanielSmith-br1zi]

Women scientifically have a very hard time pair bonding after a certain amount of sexual partners. Women like this are repulsive to most men naturally and they usually end up leaving relationships, because 1 man will never be enough. It is what it is

[@luckystone2293]

Have a word with yourself. A man has never asked me about how many men I've had. This is a thought a certain type of men like to torture themselves with because they feel inadequate themselves and fear comparison.

[@kennethhall9202]

I am recovering sex addict had hundreds of partners now celibate and sober 😂

[@shonnyabud7975]

Hi Sam! Could you say that girls that act on "self or auto rejection" have BPD or are Narcissists???

[@pelilin2519]

Everyone have some scars in them now if you know this information what will you do? This words came out in my mind. Professor i want to ask about how effective is shadow work with this issue?

[@ladyoftheveil8342]

My first time with ex narcissist he finished first and said " Oh you must be anti-orgasmic like (his old girlfriend from 1989.) horrible. He was an awful lover

[@Quiqutey]

Informative as usual!!! Thank you!!

[@sarahjones4993]

Very powerful poems. Thank you for sharing.

[@whimseysmith6348]

Fascinating and I agree with your conclusions.

[@renelr12]

Awesome and enlightening video thanks 🙏

[@trinity6764]

Interesting topic .

[@amandabulmer2158]

Are we in the Gulag yet.?

[@nikuboharajchi6049]

I Love you To him, I said, You are the one and only, but with or without you, I can feel lonely. My insecurity leads me to promiscuity. It is required for me to feel intimately desired, giving pleasure is the only way I can measure, being slightly abused is my muse. To miss a kiss, from another master would be a disaster. I did it in a hurry, for him not to worry, Let me say no more, for I am no whore. Let us restore order, cross no other border, for its time to draw the final line and pay the fine, says the borderline.

[@yanraynor9169]

Very informative-thank you

[@SebastiaanVaz]

I have all the signs of being a frequency promiscuous man. I tend to objectify women, though always with respect. I can lose myself totally in my attraction for a woman, especially if she allows me. I become enslaved to her beauty in a sense... And then later it happens again with another woman. And another. And it leaves women highly confused, because to many it seems as if I genuinely want more. And I do want more. In the moment. I don't even understand why it happens. It is as if I constantly have mini falling in love episodes. Surely, it's a coping mechanism for all the narcissistic abuse I've endured in my life. How can I better deal with this? My intuition says mindfulness practices such as meditation would help in seeing women's beauty for what it is. Not letting myself get carried away by it. It's addictive to me. And I love the flirting so much that it kind of gives me fear of commitment.

[@samvaknin]

Search the relevant playlists.

[@SebastiaanVaz]

@@samvaknin Thank you

[@FM-gv4yl]

Cheers Sam xxx very sad x you are so right again x thank you

[@polarbearsrus6980]

Thanks for your insightful and informative videos.

[@SKW-12]

Well ... f**k me ... that's profound!

[@absoluteentertainment3140]

I love your channel!!!

[@GNOMErcds]

The Rat Utopia is at it's end, human downfall.

[@equinepromedia-loujohnston7748]

Sam thank you for your videos

[@mfloyd1556]

Unfortunately all of this is rampant in the gay dating scene and hardly ever talked about.

[@mfloyd1556]

@@samvaknin I found very little about homosexuality on your site. It would be interesting to hear someone with your level of knowledge speak about how the dynamics play. I think the gay community is far worse in regard to these things.

[@samvaknin]

OOPS! You are right, apologies! Try samvak.tripod.com/faq18.html

[@serena8429]

Cheers to you Doc!

[@StrohmaniasFlyingCircus]

Press 1 for herpes.

[@starmalone9290]

Thanks Sam you are the best

[@stixsta6007]

Quality 😎

[@cmickie3296]

Cheers!

[@northstarearthstar]

Thankyou

[@YinYang791]

Dear Prof. Vaknin, to my recognition you seem to repeat that the sexdifferenz between Women a. Man is only Muskel strength, thus gender is only a sozial construct, If im not mistaken. I was wondering about a few points and if these points woudn‘t promote a differenz in regard of gender rols. -isn‘t there Proof that there is a Sex specific Stress to anxiety Ratio, 1:2 for Women and 1:1 for men? -Testosteron has mood boosting (dopamin), cortisol reducing and inflammation decreasing properties, Testosteron is around 10 times higher in men. That seem to be the reason why Women have a much higher prefalence for Autoimmun disorders. (Fourfold the Risk of man) Wouldn‘t these points imply an impact on genderrolls by its own? And Maybe to a less extend, but still prefalent, Women seem to be more emphatic because of there natural ability to give Birthday and have Babys. By the way Testosteron drops in men when they have a child, probably to make men less agressive and less dangerous for the child. I would love to hear your thought on that. Thank you for bringing so much knowledge and deep insights. You are amazing!

[@samvaknin]

Biological differences between the sexes are barely relevant to gender roles which are performative.

[@YinYang791]

Thank you so much for your response. Let’s assume hypothetically you put a female and a male cohort of infants, one of each being twins, through the same sets of experiences in a Truman Show-like controlled, unbiased setting without bias due to sex or gender roles. Same setting-wise, the outcome could be different due to different perceived experiences of positive or negative outcomes. Thus, the experiences will only be perceived differently due to sex differences. Wouldn’t the female still develop a higher fat-to-muscle ratio, much higher estrogen, and hormonal fluctuations because of menstruation, and wouldn’t that lead to different behavior? Like retreating to a safe environment and less competitive action in those times, maybe even beyond that because higher estrogen seems to lead to more empathetic states (even in men), thus higher agreeableness. Wouldn’t only the matter of menstruation, the associated vulnerability (through pain etc.) in those times, lead to a competitive disadvantage for a female? Thus, a patriarchal structure would be more likely to form. Men seem to have higher outputs, likely due to the higher hormonal stability and the dopaminergic influence of the much higher testosterone content, that leads to less agreeableness, higher energy, less empathy, higher mood and motivation. Wouldn’t that by its own determine gender-specific tendencies towards a sort of patriarchal structure even if muscle strength wouldn’t be an imminent threat and thereby be ruled out? What am I missing? Is your point more on the emphasis of male infants not developing the same sex differences by nurture due to an unbiased upbringing, and thereby men would tend to have lower levels of testosterone, with the associated changes in behavior? What would be the dominant relationship type in such a society setting, polyamory? So men wouldn’t need to mate-guard in an aggressive manner and build status, etc., to have access to mating Partners? Are you suggesting a matriarchal organization, of course, without the trauma of modern society, caused by the patriarchy and its burdens like a rise of female narcissists and psychopaths, etc.? Is that your suggestion, for an imagined much just society? Would that be the human utopia and a counter to our dystopian future!? Is it that what you are suggesting?

[@mayadahlifestyle9401]

Lol, nice intro.🌸

[@gracesouthern1297]

Thanks Sam~

[@MrHermanndagerman]

Gold

[@earlmckinney2849]

Great Into Sam

[@ladyoftheveil8342]

Woman on top was all he wanted, he couldn't even manage regular style . Just cowgirl. My back is forever a mess. I have fibro too .

[@coralking5570]

Crikey!

[@whitstable11]

@16:55 - labile body dysmorphia and ego dystony

[@tsadikg8572]

Appreciate this thanks

[@ladyoftheveil8342]

Hi Sam

[@bellabookitty9047]

Hello . 🦉

[@jelw3197]

Men invented all of this😂😂😂

[@seriouscat2231]

If men hadn't invented it, women would have done it anyway.

[@gauravpatley8919]

👍👍😎

[@Kristain473]

Sigggghhhh

[@safirijorgensen7842]

Absolutely NO Girl Trips None