How Sick Parents Destroy You (or: Why I am Childless)

[@susanklein7448]

I remember telling a friend "wow my mom really pushes my buttons" and she said "of course she pushes your buttons -- she INSTALLED them."

[@samvaknin]

A good one.

[@karenninascott]

Oh my gosh.

[@rtlau-mk4di]

That's deep

[@shakerinx]

funny and deep at the same time.. :D

[@HealingVibes-jy1ik]

Right...My mom installed the buttons. Same thing in my case too. I understand how you feel

[@inkanafiji3851]

This is unbelievable. I spent years with psychologists who were less than useless, they were retraumatizing morons with big egos and their patronising empathy. With this one video I’ve got my experience explained quite a bit, compared with hundreds of hours of therapy to receive nothing except extreme cptsd. Thank you

[@waitwhat564]

Oh I so get this. Same with me. It just triggers and re - traumatises you. Cptsd as well.

[@Sevenstarseven77]

They messed us up so badly , I regret and miss who I might have became 😢

[@lisajohnson1627]

I'm 48 years old. No kids and never married. I had a very violent abusive childhood. Replicating my family's poisonous DNA has never been a desire of mine since I was 7 years old. I'm just happy to know that I am not alone after reading some of the comments here.

[@bseebee]

you are definitely not alone

[@HappyGoLuckyPanda]

same

[@rearose8127]

Same

[@skyepalmer5719]

Thanks for your comment. It really reminded me that im not alone. 48 here too. I chose not to get married or have children a long time ago And, not a year goes by when I DONT regret those decisions. I instinctively knew that there was only space for one person in my life and that's me. Also, so much too unravel and reparent having come come a home were abuse emotional abuse was normalised .

[@MisanthropicTsundere]

@@skyepalmer5719❤ y’all are both beautiful!

[@fortitaocuperporte3492]

"If you don't have many friends... it means you have a lot of life experience." (Søren Kierkegaard 1813-1855)

[@chlebiceksmaslem]

Old Kierkegaard never fails to lift your spirit, does he? :)

[@fortitaocuperporte3492]

@@chlebiceksmaslem ... he certainly does (lift my spirits)!

[@endofscene]

Where is that quoted from? And what’s the rationale?

[@thearcherofjustice1492]

I will retain this name and look him up, thank you. I am very sociable but I feel like I'm in the society that doesn't correspond to my spiritual level. I am not superior, I killed my Ego and live from my Heart. I feel unconditional love for everyone and feel connected but obviously no-one feels like I do, rather opposite wise. I finally accepted being alone and loving myself. Before I only used to admire my image in the mirror (because in the private catholic school I was attending amongst other nonsense we were taught that it is a sin to look at oneself in a mirror. I only started studying my face around age 33 when I divorced and learned independence etc etc etc etc etc etc etc ☀️🌈😅 I couldn't take my eyes off of my image, I didn't know how beautiful I was all along. That sounds conceited I know. Now I am 68 and overweight and the new challenge is to learn to love myself even with a less pretty perfect body. I am not just my body...Anyway I'm I tried to have woman friends but when I was younger it never worked out. I was raising my 3 children all by myself and working full time. No time to listen to someone taking her head off for hours drinking coffee.. Nor for being disturbed on the phone. I once answered it and a neighbor girlfriend, mother of 5, held me prisoner on the phone for 3 hours. My kids couldn't have supper, my Friday evening was gone, I almost peed in my pantie and my ears were ringing. I never answered the phone after that. Only family knew our number or administration 😂 Whenever the phone rang I felt panicked, and wanted to hide behind the closet or under the bed lol. I didn't of course but my imagination is extremely colorful and I imagined doing that with humour. At work I had no problem answering the phone for professional reasons. I think I wandered away from the subject 🤔 the older I get, the more life experience I have to tell. It's a little bit overwhelming.

[@adambowles3804]

I love this quote!

[@BillMagan]

None of my brothers or I had children of our own. We all decided the hoop needed to be broken. This is one of the reasons why the line dies off in our generation.

[@TamtuHolistic]

Parentification made me take everything too seriously, and I take everything that others say too seriously and very often, I get disappointed because many people don't mean things the way I get them. I can't lighten up. I rarely smile. But I have a good heart.

[@rearose8127]

Me too. I'm just now learning to keep my intuitive thoughts to myself; realizing people have to learn in their own way and their own time...as I do too. I am prioritizing listening and asking- what will you do? As an observer my emotions are more detached (in a healthy way); and I am starting to lighten up and smile. Sending blessings, and a flood of self-care your way.

[@doreenplischke2169]

🙋🏻‍♀️

[@suzannaflores1164]

Exactly!! It's like the more people run their mouths, the more anyone can own their mouth. As in, I do what I say I'm going to do. So I am exerting/trading in the most value in my new healed life by backing up my words with integral actions. Yes most or many people are mindless and maybe will find this path, but in the meantime, I am taking note and observing, and I "own" every false or broken promise. Don't take it personally, but do spiritually cash those checks

[@emmaleaone]

Me as well

[@WinterWarlock261]

Due to the severe damage and trauma my single-parent covert narcissistic mother caused, I knew since age 8 that I would NEVER have children. I'd never be responsible for bringing a child into this toxic world. My mother was not capable of being a parent. My father, I'd see once about every 3 months. I knew him, but he was more of an "acquaintance" than anything deeper to me than that. Both my mother AND my father contributed to him not being a part of my life. Neither of them were a meaningful part of my life in any positive constructive way. Only in a negative and destructive way, at best. And they were both the only blueprint I had for life, so I knew I would never be capable of being a parent either. By age 8, too much crippling damage had already occurred. Either way, I could never allow the cycle to repeat. So, I realized at age 8, that I could never have children or allow that to happen. The cycle ends with me. I'm in my 50s now, incapable of taking care of anyone else and barely capable of taking care of myself and not abandoning myself. That's the price I pay for the crippling damage she has caused. There's never been a single moment in my life where I have ever regretted my choice of never bringing a child into this toxic wasteland called "life". And at age 50, I am now learning what boundaries are. I am ashamed to admit I have violated other people's boundaries in the past (eg: Reading their diary, and things like that). At the time, I didn't see what the big deal was, because I had no concept of what "boundaries" were. I was never entitled to them, growing up. But my mother taught me that not only was I not entitled to them, but she was the only one that WAS entitled to them. So you, and everyone else wasn't entitled to them either. So, you violating my boundaries or me violating yours would be "no big deal" because neither you nor I were entitled to them. Just her. In my 50's I'm learning I'm entitled to boundaries, and so is everyone else. People need to respect my boundaries and I need to respect theirs. How I enforce boundaries? I have no idea. But isolation works well, so far. With no one in my life, I don't need to worry about anyone violating my boundaries and me violating theirs. This is the lifetime of damage my narcissistic mother has caused that I'm still learning how to unlearn. On the Ace score, I got 100% as there wasn't a SINGLE question that I was able to answer 'No' to.

[@robertarmero6320]

I’m 34 and I’ve realized in my late 20’s/early 30’s the damage that was done once I had left home for the military and came back. Now I’m closer physically to my family but want nothing more than to be far away from them. I see the lack of boundaries and the entitlement especially when it comes to having the right to insert themselves wherever they feel like or feeling like they have some sort of day in the life of their children. A lot of people (adult children) of these people are fucked up. Promiscuous, drug addicted, narcissistic, and sick. I fall into these categories as well. There is never an ounce of accountability for these things either. I have gained my own morals and ethics by way of experience, and am constantly picking up my own mess. It seems like I had to parent myself and have role models external to my family. I always leaned on friends because they were the only trustworthy ones for a time and because we were not individual people to our parents. Anyway all that to say I don’t really want kids. I can never imagine myself having one and have always been averse to them even since I was young. I think my friends kids are great and am willing to play the “friend uncle” role but that’s about it. Even in that sense I’m not very good. I don’t feel an overwhelming desire to have kids or even have that feeling that I may regret it one day. I will in due time disappear into the ether called life from my family and be on my own again. In due time

[@realhet]

I think you should watch the video about self-trust and boundaries from Teal Swan. It's not isolation that makes this 'wall' effective, it is the trust in yourself, that your body understands that everything you do will benefit yourself. Some people like to break this and push you against your boundaries: that's when they receive narcissistic supply and you lose self trust. And after if you have anxiety or other symptoms, it is just your body trying to force you to do things that benefit you and not others. This self-trust is also the enemy of narcissists, that pisses them off and their cluelessness, that they are unable to control me with their small gifts and shallow words generates sadistic joy inside me. (Yes, I have NPD too, but a flawed one: I fell good if can I turn it against them. )

[@thevegandragon4676]

I was also raised in a violent chaotic household. My father was physically violent, and emotinally and verbally abusive, regularly calling us fkg c***s. I was one of four girls, and myself and my eldest sister were picked out for his regular aggressive attacks. My mother too, throughout our childhood was subjected by him to physically violent attacks. Our home, which both parents actually worked hard to provide and furnish nicely etc. was also subjected to his violent outbursts, eg. smashing up the dining room, kicking the TV through....whilst it was switched on. etc., but he never ever took it all out on his series of luxury vehicles...oh no, just our stuff, and our bodies, and our heads! What a fkg sicko!

[@kimmonks116]

Absolutely same..😮Wow..apart from I saw my Dad only once age 14 after 11 yrs never seeing or knowing him..Im 53 this year and endured a Covert Narcissist marriage for over 30 yrs..😢😢totally horrendous and 5 yrs out..almost no contact at all..still partly stuck in trauma bonds..like you boundaries are a learning process for sure..since separation met couple more Narcissists so certainly sure to stay alone unless a genuine and real man came along..💯👍

[@volkana1977]

It took me a while to realize I actually didn´t want kids. After several disappointments in my relationships, here is why I decided to be childless: 1) I never found a good and responsible man to be a father 2) I was severely bullyied as a kid because I was very ugly and now I don´t want to pass my genes on 3) Kids are expensive and demand money and time, also they demand a mother AND a father to be raised psichologically healthy. Unfortunately most people don´t think carefully before having kids.... I don´t blame them, the problems of raising kids are not something society discuss... it´s a taboo to say that kids can be very stressing to their parents, mainly when the parents are not prepared to be parents financially, psichologically os phisically speaking.

[@Maniac_987]

This world is no place to bring a new life anyway.

[@BandoLyrix]

you have explained my whole childhood , Thank You. (I dont know if i should cry or just turn into The JOKER)

[@Pylypczak]

Awesome🙏

[@indyj5680]

When I was 17 I had already decided that I did not want children because if you've never known anything else you will most likely repeat what your parents have done, and I could not put any child through what I went through with my mother. No child deserves that. My mother didn't have a clue what she did to me, but I would have known if I had done what she did, and I would have lived with tremendous guilt. In addition my father, the finest human being I have ever known, was schizophrenic.

[@natashakaschke8991]

Can I please ask, because my daughter told me at 12 years old that she never wants to have children and isn’t going to get married. There is conflict between her father and I and I no longer have contact with them, I’ve been cut off from all contact by the father. But I wanted to ask you, is it possible to teach my daughter that we have been abused and reality is not as unkind as the false reality she has grown up with? I keep hoping I will one day be able to free her of the past and show her it won’t be repeated. I have not been strong enough to fight against the father, and I’m making sure I’m available to hear her if she ever searches for me. I want to be healthy and secure when that happens. Could you tell me if that would make the difference you needed?

[@emiliajambor3569]

@@natashakaschke8991 I don't think so. Why don't you go and rescue her anyway?

[@Seamannon]

​@@natashakaschke8991 Why do you think the reality she grew up in was false? Whatever reality she grew up in, is real to her. If her upbringing was unsafe because her parents were constantly fighting around her, then this is her reality. She doesn't need someone to invalidate her reality, she probably needs someone who can understand and validate the reality of her upbringing and the impact of that upbringing on her emotional development and the issues it created later on. You cannot save her or teach her anything that you haven't healed within yourself. The best way to be prepared for her reaching out to you is to heal yourself and improve your life to the point where you are happy about it, so that you can lead by example and help her heal from her traumas by taking accountability for your parts of that toxic relationship with her father and the pain or neglect that your daughter experienced. She may get through some toxic relationships herself and experience the same patterns that her parents modeled to her. You have to figure out how to have relationships with healthy boundaries and respect in order to be a better rolemodel, so that she could ask you for advice if she needs it. She will not have a reason to trust your advice if your life is a mess and you're only able to point out flaws and red flags, but not able to show the healthy alternatives for interactions. I wish you all the strenght you need to confront all of these issues. I hope this helps. :)

[@natashakaschke8991]

@@emiliajambor3569 her dad has taken her and I can’t find them now. The police don’t do anything because he’s saying our daughter is now a boy and I’m transphobic. Immediately stops police intervening. I was in court for three years but I am financially incapable of winning. So I gotta just be her mum from a distance and keep looking and I’m making sure I’m easy to find. The hardest part is a constant struggle with not knowing how long we are going to do this for. I thought if she sees I’m still the same she will feel like contacting me, but if not, do you have any ideas for what else could I try?

[@jcc6789]

So true - my oldest brother died in this abuse, i’m still trying to heal and survive, i have two adult siblings who are still intertwined in the sadistic abuse. They will never get out. They’ll die in it.

[@liliya_aseeva]

Oh, I'm apparently incredibly lucky. Somehow I gained "self-illumination" at 7 y. o. and stopped believing anything my mom says. Just understood then back, that "I will grow up and move out, there is no way for me to live there." And now my dream came true. I live alone, work my job and no contact with my mother. Now listening you, I'm somewhat scared. Could be much much worse...

[@black_velvet_cat]

This was a difficult video to watch. I'm 37 years old and I'm still struggling to get over my "dead" mother.

[@nadineadam419]

Me too ❤

[@black_velvet_cat]

@@nadineadam419 are you ok? ❤️

[@nadineadam419]

@@black_velvet_cat No, I dont think I am okay. But maybe I only need a little more time. It was in February this year I realised or find out, who my parents really are. Especially my mother. What her role was/is. After a relationship with a narcissist. Now there is nobody left in my life. Emotionally. I am all alone. But I will make it „on the other side“. I am sure. Altough my life is and was never live worthy. How are you?

[@black_velvet_cat]

@@nadineadam419 you will make it. I know this loneliness, and it exists because we were educated to trust only our family, our mother as an unconditional figure. I do something at this moment that I want to share with you: I try to see this void as a space that can be occupied by other experiences and other people, which will make me happier. I am on this search, I invite you to also look for experiences and companies that leave us complete and supported. everyone deserves love and life, including us, even if they've made it seem like we don't. I will be ok too 💕

[@danakarataeva2291]

and such child is isolated not only physically, but also mentally as child becomes estranged from others due to the abuse, as child doesn't expect a good treatment from others and because of a constant smear campaign from a narcissist parents. And of course a child can never win in this narcississtic game, because for everyone around a parent, especially a mother, always loves a child, and if a mother says something bad about her own child, than that child must be just pure evil! especially this is totally the case in backwards conservaties societies. so child is not only abused and self projecting but also castigated and reproached by everyone around, by the whole freaking society...

[@Toni-ve6lx]

This describes my mother. She is still projecting and confabulating at 83 with no signs of slowing down. So sad.

[@martika172]

Thank you for this video Sam. I am an over-pampered, over-protected and over-cared child of a perfect and over-involved mother. I have become a reason for her to wake up and do anything. Everything revolved around me, she gave up her career for me (it went crashing down with the collapse of the USSR and even when given a chance she didn't pick it up), she nearly died when giving birth to me (surgeon botched C-section), she cooked and cleaned for me including my workplaces (volunteered, when said "no need" it was ignored) - most of it was normal parenting. She is holier than Jesus, I am a heretic, and everyone else is barbarians unless they recognize her glory.

[@martika172]

@@margodphd It is. I was neurotic and over-vigilant most of my life. I was horrified even by the thought of doing something wrong or bringing shame. What saved me was a fairly high rebelliousness. My real personality was like Voldemort from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - just a voice at the back of my head saying that there is something wrong with this fairy tale.

[@martika172]

@@margodphd Bad parenting immunizes to bulls**t. My mom's story was very good, she had me on technicalities and I was in economic prison with her - poverty. It was my husband who fought 7(!) years to get me out of this brainwashing.

[@marquese1960]

"Rock a bye baby on the tree top, When the wind blows the cradle will rock, When the bough breaks the cradle will fall, And down will come baby cradle and all."

[@pattyrooney1323]

Thank you, Sam for speaking the truth. I was parentified+ the family scapegoat. No children by choice.

[@LightEmpath82]

I love this analysis. You really explain this topic perfectly. I married a narcissist but was unaware at age 19. Honestly I never knew people like this existed. My husband was raised in a single home with an older sister. They have basically no relationship and it's due to the monster of a mother who raised them. My husband is mentally probably a two year old at best. I always knew something was wrong but couldn't explain it. It was like they were a clan of evil non humans and they walk around like it normal. My own parents said my husband is numb and void. It's strange to see them walk around with no real attachment to reality. Honestly it looks like it hurts to be live. So sad that they never get feel what we feel inside. It's like everything comes from a place of negativity. Me myself I am making my exist. I tried everything but when I realized what I was dealing with, I have a sense of freedom. I now know it's beyond me. Thankfully I was loved and nurture and came with a strong sense of self so when the narc tried to make me him it didn't wrong. I lead with love and something nobody can take from me. I do send everyone who was raised in this manner love and 🕯️. Wish you guys would have landed in my mother's belly. I'm an only child and she gave a lot of love and boundaries. I guess it all depends of who you end up with. It's so sad that some of you didn't even get a chance. Regardless try to be the best you can if it's possible 🖤🕯️

[@sfab5039]

I was my mother’s scapegoat and was blamed for everything everyday. Called stupid, ugly, all the bad things. I absorbed it all, I even did terribly in school and in my life. I am almost 30 years old and breaking free from these horrible feelings about myself. I can’t seem to undo some of the damage. I really want to get an education but because of my feelings of worthlessness and inability to complete anything I feel it would not go well. I have tried many times, but deep down inside I feel I am not smart because of the things I was told about myself.

[@Being_Bohemian]

From this comment, I can see you write well, and express yourself well - better than many. If you're able to gradually 'put yourself (or your work / creativity) out there', you'll likely, gradually, get some positive feedback, which will help your self-belief slowly increase. Small wins are enough to get momentum going.

[@ginafarley6190]

Those beliefs were implanted in your brain. See these ideas as weeds, separate from you, that need to be pulled out regularly. It can be done with consistency and care

[@superk5]

You mentioned the ''inability to complete anything I feel it would not go well'': This is how a narcissist who doesn't want you to believe if yourself would make a and want you to think, because if you do know that you're capable then that narcissist would... Anyway let's not focus on others, focus on You. Why not to try disprove this belief? And try not only for once, try many times with different people, in different environments. Don't stay in isolation, go out talk with good people, it's actually great that you're writing how you feel in this comments. Start with small, and in each even tiny accomplishment approve yourself, say well done my precious, if a thought comes to your mind ''oh you're thanking yourself for such a small thing!'' know that it's not your own true voice that says that to you - it's the narcissist voice trying to make you feel small, your true voice would never be so cruel and uncompassionate toward yourself. So answer to yourself it is not a small thing, it takes straighten to do this steps despite all adversities, I'm building my amazing life I always deserve. For example, start a short certification course, complete it, and then share anonymously with us too please on how you did, I'm sure you'll do well because you already wrote ''I really want to get an education'' :) So for what you really want!❤

[@glenyshill72]

@sfab........ I totally agree with @superk5

[@ceezus5295]

You are capable and strong beyond measure. I hope you achieve all you set out to do ❤

[@Dan_Chiron]

Yes. This is the exact reason why I don't have children either. Now I'm 40 and just recently starting to build a self, so I'm very glad I took that decision. I was the smothered, "perfect" child type, so it took a very long journey to really grasp why was I so unhappy and scidal from a young age, when there was no apparent reason. And this mind whirl is no joke; I have a friend who recently lost a son because she had the same parenting style I went trough. I tried to talk her out of this behaviour, but of course, she can't realize how her "deep love" translated to her son's mental illness, because she considers herself the epitome of the good mother. I'm mad at her; no child should be doomed to that fate.

[@grumblekin]

I was raised by a narcissistic father and a mother who was overly controlling. And they stayed together because of me. They were programmed by bad parents who were programmed by their own bad parents. It probably went back for hundreds of years. I have deep-seated anxiety that ruins life but that cannot be rooted out because it's intertwined into my personality. I am broken and it seems like permanently. Why transfer any of that to a child? I would prefer the curse to end with me.

[@honeybee2699]

Did you consider psychotherapy for yourself?

[@gott4bomb835]

Same parents combo here. Only through my sister I got to know that they had got together because abortion would've been too controversial among their conservative families. The anxiety was a beast, it took a lot of life experience for me to figure out where it was coming from. Self-sabotage, impostor syndrome, sexual performance anxiety, emotional absence, substance abuse - the list goes long. I started to slowly figure it out in my early 30s . Now 41 and having absorbed tons of knowledge, from this channel included, I have all the answers which brings me some peace of mind. The challenging part that stems from making countless bad decisions is being broke, single, lacking complete education and with a tarnished reputation. Thankfully there still are several good friends who believe in me succeeding despite it all. Both parents feverishly oppose any suggestion at self-criticism. Them being in their mid 60s makes me fear it could be too late for them to de-fossilize. My dream has been to convince them to have a psilocybin experience so that we could heal together. Attaining a good sleep, diet and working out goes a long way. All the best to everyone struggling with those deep wounds, let's turn this into an epic comeback time ;

[@jordanedgeley6601]

You can overcome the anxiety. My story is identical.

[@Jannicorn]

The first 10 minutes describe my experience PERFECTLY! My mom died over 35 years ago and I'm still healing from the personality flaws I used to cope with her parenting.

[@gregasarka4124]

🎉

[@jakeegolf2580]

I knew from an early age I didn’t want children. And in my 20s I realized I didn’t want my children to experience what I did. At 47 I was diagnosed with ADHD. After studying basic psychology, and the Big 5, I realized my father, grandfather and uncle were/are narcissists. My parents both had massive ACE’s. But they deny them. This talk was excellent. Thank you!

[@jackiebattisto4927]

I have to chime in and identify. I’ve never wanted kids. I was the scapegoat and tossed out of the house at 15. I have found my way. Loved my career and I waited a long time for a relationship. After 25 years of therapy I still need more.

[@RonSafreed]

My narcissistic father was kicked out of his home by his narcissistic father & his father was also a narcissist & got mad at him & was mean to his wife!!

[@PamsMountainGarden]

I never wanted children and did not have any. For a very long time, I thought it was because my parents had two children when I was 9 and 12 years old. I had to take care of them much of the time. Also, my mother was/is a difficult, smothering person, very controlling, very unpredictable. I did not admire her mothering. Decades passed and I believed these were the reasons I did not want children. I now believe, after some study, that both parents were narcissists. My father is dead and my mother may as well be. I do not believe that I can repair myself but there is some comfort in trying to understand why I am who I am. Thank you for your informative work!

[@doridify]

Thank you for showing me my background. It was painfull to hear but also I feel relief. Now I understand why I had imaginary Friend from mirror… It was „ugly” me. I had 4-5 years old. Now Im 40 and still on path of healing.

[@Willowtree53]

Sam, Very brave of you to speak of this topic! I'm in the same childless boat for the same reason. But, my grandparents really saved me in so many ways. Thank you for this video.

[@gloriaknott7448]

My grandparents were really my parents too. I wanted to stay with them forever. All my good childhood memories are of them. They have since both passed and I miss them so much. I have been having the memories of the last time I saw my grandfather alive. He was in the hospital and asked me to call my grandma. He stayed in the phone with her for about a minute. He was weak physically and called to tell her that he loved her 😭

[@tvc153]

​@gloriaknott7448 Me too. If I didn't have my Grandparents I don't know where I'd be. My mother denied telling me this but years ago she told me she was thinking of having them raise me but she didn't want the neighbors to talk about her. So instead she kept me around for her husband to beat me on the daily.

[@glenyshill72]

Oh! the amount of unnecessary suffering inflicted upon children because of 'what the neighbours might say?' rather than making family decisions that would be in the best interests of the child.

[@gloriaknott2491]

I'm so sorry you had to go threw this. My grandmother lost her only daughter at the age of 5. I was the first grandchild born. My grandmother took me under her wing as her own. She even asked my parent's if she could adopt me. @@tvc153

[@sallyfowler8411]

Hi, I am a grandma that would love to know how to help my socially isolated grandchild. I am desperate to know what I can do. As you have experienced the love of grandparents have you any advice for me? I do not seem to be able to get this information from videos. Hoping you can help me x

[@dextirias]

My parents destroyed everything that make me feel good about my self. So i decided to tell to every relative, friend and my parents friends the truth about my childhood. But I never allowed my self to act like my parents.

[@dextirias]

@@cjmitz My life felt like a prison back then! Now I am free. I don't regret my decision, because I never wanted to pretend that I am someone else. And I have realized that narcissist hate honesty.

[@glenncowan6669]

Damn!!, you have a better understanding of narcissistic parents than anyone else I've listened to on KZbin. It's very enlightening how you explain that an abused child cannot accept that their parent is bad, so they take ALL THE BLAME themselves and see themselves as "all bad".

[@hopeinhumanity.]

I appreciate the intellectual analysis on parenting. Even better than university level classes. Thanks Sam!

[@kitkat186]

I could easily not had children I was planning a career uograde as I had realised I was fine with being alone. When my husband took me out to dinner held my hand and said lets start a family I nearly had a heart attack. We had two children but I remember being very afraid that I would be like my mother. Sad but I had a horrible childhood, I'm pleased to say I wasn't perfect but ok at motherhood. They are young successful woman now pursuing their own careers.

[@kitkat186]

@@Mukanimou we all have regrets and marrying comes with it's own struggles, because I married a difficult man. But I had never been loved and he made me feel that.😊👍

[@kitkat186]

@@BeckBeckGo my biggest fear was I would continue the terrible violence that I suffered as a child. You're aware and that's a good place to be.😊👍

[@sylwiaossowska9421]

Thank You for sharing such an extensive knowledge on ths subject. It is so sad that such are the consequences of trauma dynamics passed on from generation to generation...

[@Injamamulmd.Mallick]

That's ,today I understood why I'm like that I'm today.

[@haliec496]

I do not have children either. As children, my mother could not leave my abusive father because he was the bread winner. I swore i would never be dependent on a man financially or connected to a man by having his child. My mother also agreed that having a child puts the responsibility solely on the mother regardless or what anyone says. I could not commit my entire life to a child.

[@woeshiweeps]

I have struggled for years now to understand why my brother committed suicide. My mom married his dad when we were both around 7 years old. I've heard so many stories about how terrible his biological mother was, for the time she was even around. I have also heard many stories about how difficult my brother was when he was a kid, and how nobody knew how to really 'handle' him. When our parents married each other and we merged households he was a bit aggressive to my younger sister and I for a while (so ive been told). We then grew up together, became very close while our parents fought. Dad was angry a lot, mom started drinking a lot, and there was a good bit of toxicity before my brother and i graduated high school and were out of there. A lot of my childhood memories are blocked out still, but I remember the time I was the most afraid of my mom was when she went at my brother one day. Years later he confessed to me that she was always worse to him. I didn't have the tools to understand how it could even be possible. She was pretty toxic to me too, but it was in different ways I realize now. I remember telling him that mom loved him and could be really harsh. I thought that was the right thing to say, it was before my mental health journey began. And dad was objectively more abusive. The last person he ever responded to was mom, telling her he wasnt doing well. She told him she would get him a subscription to some therapy thing, but mom is a high functioning alcoholic with a shit memory. I'm realizing now she probably shared that with me because I've been her therapist since before I remember. He never found a relationship he was happy in, he rejected our dad for being abusive, but he seemed to trust mom. I did too at the time, it's taken years to get past the intense guilt of just thinking something negative about her. I saw her split in that moment, in the kitchen when we were kids. And it was my fault, I accidentally told on him for something when she was talking to me- i dont even remember what it was. But i was too scared to defend him when she went at him. At least I can see the truth now. I wish she hadn't told me he had reached out to her for help. I wish I hadn't comforted her in that moment. Oh, my brother. There were so few people he felt he could ask anything of, he thought he was a burden. I understand now more than I ever have before. Edit to add: As the non-entity child, I appreciate your words just the way they are. I wrote a poem at 18 which was about how i felt "shattered, like tiny broken stars" it is very validating to hear this talked about without the soft language. I have chased who I am all over the place, and the closest I've ever gotten to finding it is in being a dog owner.

[@michellesunnylatham4046]

No matter how many times you told on your brother, NONE of the abuse was your fault! My older half sister was abused (not sexual) by our parents. She left at 15 and never came back, even when she was homeless, even when she was about to lose her child. I am 10 years younger and didn't understand her pain. I said things like you said bc I was uneducated. I got older and suffered more and more. She would apologize to me for leaving me, but I never blamed her for leaving. My Narc Dad repeated stories about how she hated me, how bad she was, how boy crazy she was, how screwed up her bio dad was, etc. He always added how much he loved her even though she "hated him bc he married her mom". I believed that for over 30 years, until I talked to her about all of it as adults. Her pain was not more bc she saw me abused less than her. She felt guilt for leaving and not being there to take the abuse FOR me. I hope you can find peace in your brother's choice. He did not blame you for what your parents did. Stories from your parents about him or his life are most likely a way for them to justify their abuse rather than to seek understanding of his pain, and therefore should not be believed. The fact that you feel more guilt than your mom over not getting him help when she was the one he asked (if it was even true), says alot about how much you loved your brother and how toxic your mom is. None of it was your fault. None of it was ever in your power to change.

[@doridify]

Thank you so much for this explanation 🙏

[@SignalAboveTheNoise]

With every video I question myself and those are not easy questions. But I feel better after that. I do things better. I feel people better. I am not a narcissist, but none of us is completely normal.. I really want to be just a better human. And most of all a better mother. My parents died when I was little so I grew up figuring life on my own through three completely disfunctional foster families. I have zero idea on how to be a patent, all I do is building strong relationship with my kids and being there for them and involve them in what I'm learning and doing. And I literally feel like this man was sent to parent me... Thank you so much, Profesor.

[@Howtostaypretty]

Wow. This was unbelievable 🙏🏼

[@boltvanderhuge9764]

Every point describes me and my life. Brutal.

[@hlengiwemathe7376]

Can thete be psychological classes for pregnant people before they give birth to kids..because I thing a large percentage do not have a clue of impact made by different behaviours to their kids...

[@productioninquiry8937]

Yet another masterpiece. Thank you Sir.

[@gregoryritchie7852]

As a born "professional student" myself, I love your academic approach, dealing with scientifically designed studies, facts, evidence, - not anecdotal reporting and flavor of the month political correctness.

[@DarkWizardPrince]

That is very interesting. The hippocampus uses memories as landmarks. Hmmm I am going to think on that while I work this evening.

[@rebecca_stone]

Dr Vaknin. If you have time, a question from one of the half-baked. Firstly, your hair is looking terrific here. A bonus because I'm sure I'll rewatch this lecture many times. It's advanced stuff, a horrifying narrative of the origin of the special kind of hell myself and your audience carry quietly - we've little hope of successfully explaining it to others. So, even to hear you articulate the nuance of it is a gift to many of us, so thank you. My question: the social isolation - if it happens chiefly in the child's earlier years, say, pre- to early teens, but then they socialise themselves and seek out 'reality testing' outside the family, is the damage already done by then? By what age will the isolation lead to the loop of self-referencing to the 'bad object'?

[@samvaknin]

By age 6. Latest 9.

[@rebecca_stone]

​@@samvakninThat explains a lot. Thank you for your answer.

[@terrijones1167]

One of your best uploads in my opinion. Thank you.

[@livelystones7773]

You should study narcissism in many Nigerian families. Highly emotionless, yet strict, verbally abusive, yelling types who leave trails of destruction and harm in their children. Many, not all though.

[@samvaknin]

I worked in Nigeria in the early 1980s.

[@livelystones7773]

@@samvaknin iInteresting - so maybe you are somewhat aware. Anyway., thank you for another a great, in-depth video. Painful but great.

[@RonSafreed]

Someone from Ethiopia said that narcissism was extremely rampant in Ethiopian society!! Probably the same in Nigeria!!

[@livelystones7773]

Absolutely. Parental narcissism is standard in Nigeria. Their main idea is to break the spirit of their children to create obedient puppets & forever slaves so they are in perpetual service to them as old age insurance policy and then you are supposed to rinse and repeat with your own children (if you have them) in perpetuity. It’s called ‘culture’ but it’s really just toxic, abusive behaviour.

[@judithpriestess7781]

PROUD Antinatalist over here. My parents and upbringing brought me to my enlightenment about NOT procreating. This world is disgusting. I will not create and insert an innocent being into it. I won't create an insecurely attached, neurologically, genetically, psychologically damaged person who will suffer, inflict pain on others and pass away. I will put an end to the madness, in my own little way.

[@ReymondMaldonado]

I finally found my people... Cheers mate! 🍻

[@dianeorehek4633]

Professor Sam: you offer listeners a great deal of matter for absorption and pondering. Do you really not have children? Hearing you synthesize and reflect your gained life awareness makes me think you may also be speaking from experience as the ‘object’ created by your own parents. I can almost hear them engaging your nascent, incredibly absorbent child mind with some of the attributes of which you speak. I would love to hear you in conversation with three or four other professionals of your caliber (are there that many 🤪?) to gain a deeper understanding of the variations/permutations you have spent your life parsing… Thank you for continuing to post these deeply thought-provoking forays into the life of the mind and its interplay with all of our physical realities.

[@samvaknin]

I am not in the habit of making false statements. I have no children.

[@dianeorehek4633]

Of course not, more a rhetorical comment, because you speak like you’ve actually ‘been there’.

[@catherinepolak]

It's remarkable how your video encapsulated the very essence of my parents and my upbringing. The painful familiarity was so profound that it resonated with me on a cellular level, making the complexities seem almost simple. The cult-like methodologies, such as "we are superior to others, so we cannot engage with them," or the restrictive "not being allowed to leave home even as an adult," are distressingly recognizable. It required relocating to a different continent to liberate myself from their influence.While I have always understood these dynamics intuitively, I would never be able to articulate them as coherently as you have (stating the obvious here). The pressing question is whether this damage can be repaired or if it is even worth attempting. Despite my acute awareness of the detrimental impact my parents had-particularly on my social skills and general ability to participate in life-it remains a constant, conscious effort to avoid reverting to those ingrained patterns. How do we break free from this deeply embedded programming? Thank you.

[@nadineadam419]

❤

[@davidcenciarini8866]

They messed up big time my father 100% narcisist, manipulated my mother so that i dont receive love from her either. He was afraid of me becoming better then him. Such a tragedy. Im 38 years old and struggeled alwais in life

[@syndicat4847]

I'm totally sending this to each of my parents haha

[@neilmcdougall4927]

gonna send this to my kinda redeemed mum

[@tihana13]

How did it go?

[@tonjacech9868]

💯 agree with you. On the topic of children. The very reason I don't have children my self.

[@denisj6089]

Thank you so much for this video Prof. Vaknin. This video was literally a replay of my childhood, I have gone through therapy and have gone no contact with my father and middle sibling, I needed to cleanse my environment in order to heal and re-parent myself but it is still so very hard to integrate myself. Now that I've cleansed my living space, I have been working very hard to piece myself together, put all the fragments together. is there complete recovery from ego failure?

[@denisj6089]

@@ladymagic4736 Thank you for that. I think deep down I know there will never be absolute or complete. I am dedicated to recovery though and I want to go as far as I can to live the rest of my life as peacefully as I can.

[@cymonelachelle]

I have known since atleast 11 that there is something wrong with me. I would ask people, is it normal to be able to see yourself outside of yourself? I feel like instead of experiencing the world from 1st person I am experiencing it from 3rd person. When I dream, I am both a character in the dream, and a narrator hovering over myself interpreting/narrating the dream. Like a movie. I feel like a sim character. After watching hours of videos I feel I understand I made myself the bad object. Which is fine. But this video has had me crying in my car for 2 hours. I have a son. Since he was born ive just wanted him to be better than me. I want him to believe in himself and love and prioritize himself, so I only tell him good things about himself. My thoughts were, if I do the opposite of what my mom did to me to him, then he will be better. I feel Im understanding in this video that that will not help him? By me not being able to see any bad behaviours I will still make him mentally ill? When he acts out, I deeply internalize it. I feel like Im failing him and so that is why hes doing it. I wish I could find a doctor like you here. I got bipolar put in my chart after a suicide attempt and now it just gets written off as mood swings and Ive expressed that it is not that bc I dont even have feelings, but no one hears me. I have always known it was me, but I just want to do the best I can to raise someone who trust people and is decently healthy. I grew up in literal cult and a cult family and I just want happiness for my son. 😭

[@inkanafiji3851]

That was really touching. Beautiful, I literally would like a mother like you. You have beautiful soft thoughts about your son and you see a core love worthy human in him

[@AA-iy4gm]

Please find books or audiobooks on those topics, one extreme as a reaction to another extreme is not goof, don't let your child develop like that, you seem to be already seeing some signs that some things aren't working so keep looking for the answer and today you could potentially find better answers online or quicker, than by finding a decent therapist...good luck, don't give up

[@juliamikhaylova8235]

Really needed to hear all of this. Thank you.

[@jackfruit6149]

happily childless for these reasons you explained. Me & my spouse getting questioned by society everyday why we are not taking child. I really dont know how to explain these words to them. I feel suffocated, they make me feel like i had done any crime,not bringing a child into this world. Thanks for this video.

[@glenyshill72]

@jackfruit ........ Maybe begin with you and your spouse viewing yourselves and describing yourselves as a child-free couple rather than a childless couple :)

[@Bruce-qh9my]

Man I love what you contribute to the world. Abraham Twerski and You are my fav Psychologists

[@robertarmero6320]

Sounds a lot like my family structure. Some of us are worse than others, small numbers of people in the family have all the kids while other have none. I don’t have kids and haven’t made any moves in the direction of having them

[@Feet4reel]

Love this! Thank you for elucidating this from this particular developmental angle. All of your content is great, but this tied a lot together for me.

[@kristinap6300]

All of the above- thought I would have it under control by 61, but what I discovered is I have great coping skills- however practicing them every day is exhausting boo

[@greglyons2526]

Great work Sam

[@ana988]

I think this knowledge makes people other-half baked :)

[@Jay-kk3dv]

29:20 that was child me totally isolated and alienated from the world focused on the bad object, thinking very negative thoughts about myself. How do I fix in my late 30s?

[@Jay-kk3dv]

@@batista666bomb no thanks

[@JoaoPaulo-gt2qz]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[@lindayeager3126]

Great Analysis, 👍

[@Seibellagiugiu]

I was told by many people over my lifetime that I was not the motherly type, I didn’t deserve to be loved. I was told that I was the ugliest baby they had ever seen. A cross between Gorbachev and Nixon. I have two autistic children, and I hope I help them become responsible, kind, and successful. Success in a parent’s autistic world means very different things as sometimes independence and integrated into society may be the definition. Success doesn’t mean what type of career.

[@rosiemckinzie8608]

Thank you, Professor Sam, for your extraordinary ability to verbalize what all of us children of abuse carry with us. I too decided at a young age that future children for me were off the plate. If I were to ever physically, mentally or verbally abuse anyone as I was, I would just have to kill my self. As a child I watched Pa on Little House on the Prairie tv show. I thought it was a total lie, no fathers treated their daughters as nice as he did.

[@TheGone-bj1bf]

So how can one live with ego failure?

[@samvaknin]

As a narcissist.

[@inkanafiji3851]

Is there a thing that a parent needs the child to projective identify? I am pretty sure that my mother needed it as if her life depended on that. She needed me to believe all of the projections and she would sense the resistance as if she had a sixth sense. This was going on for decades, there was nothing left of me I needed to become projective identified so she could feel safe and believe her own projections because I believe she needed to fantasy to be externally validated for her. She had a very fragile “fantasy identity” of being god like mommy- constantly needing validation for this psychosis and skilfully manufacturing that projective identification in me and my father and sisters. Is this a common thing?

[@tomz1daful]

@11:30, I heard you outline the "appeasement strategy", and i burst into tears. Im 65. I just want to figure out to what level i damaged MY children? What i allowed, what i did or didnt do better... Atonement for me, would be to warn my children. 💥💔

[@JeremiahLOsborne]

Keep listening my friend. He goes on to say how our failure as parents was inevitable. You can't be too hard on yourself, just move forward and become better each day. Let your children see you making positive changes in your life, and hopefully they will understand.

[@gloriaknott7448]

💕🕊️🤗

[@glenyshill72]

Read -- Philip Larkin's poem 'They f*** you up your mum and dad .....................'

[@KATKattalestv]

🤯 Wow. This is very helpful. And affirming. Thank You💜😻

[@olgakhudchenko7642]

Looks like there is no chance for us

[@dilfuzakhaydarova2859]

Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin.

[@HealingVibes-jy1ik]

Wow..this video resonates with me...thats what my mother did to me

[@andrewworthy4931]

That's precisely why I don't have children either.

[@khalidalzayani7072]

Prof Sam you are best... impressive!!

[@rossita6634]

How do you know that I choose childless due to being raised by a narcisstic mother?

[@ChelleMEis]

One good loving healthy- minded parent is all that's needed for a child's wellbeing. Widowhood proves that. But if that parent is then abused it definitely takes it's toll on the whole family.

[@user-13Bps]

I want to change this so I can have a good life and potentially have kids I don't wanna be dead

[@infinitedestiny6328]

I always thought there was something wrong with me and I couldn’t raise a healthy child because I wasn’t healthy. Being raised by two Narcissists, mother being a dead mother, dad being a criminal that ended up murdering his girlfriend in a narcissistic rage because she broke up with him and then committing suicide because he couldn’t deal with the new version of himself that he created. Of course then he decided to make the choice of the ultimate abandonment of suicide, leaving myself and my brother behind. lol 😂

[@KKing-v8q]

I think its luck to live a good life with well adjusted parents, and financially stable. Most people around the world shouldn't be parents

[@SallyFrancis]

And what about nutrition we are what we eat...My son became very ill as an adult after eating junk food...

[@ainahaga]

Omg did I knew that my family or my mum is a narc I would never had my daughter. My son is doing okay but he is also traumatized by my sick family members. Im cutting out contact more and more with everyone in my family. Even sick grandparents cause I guess they are all narcs also. Im keeping mostly to myself. So I might can attract better people. I dont know. I hope I can attract something good, cause Ive gone through hell all my life.

[@ninjacat508]

🫶

[@nadineadam419]

Same here. I thought I could make it better. Now I look at my daughter and I am scared of the future. I think I am not a good mother and this kills me inside. Day by day.

[@ainahaga]

@@nadineadam419 you are a good mother! Listen to daily podcasts! The more you read/educate on spiritual stuff the more you expand your counsciousness! Meditate daily, do parasite cleanses! Take good supplements like coQ10, omega3, b complex, adaptogens +++

[@Marie-mg7zp]

An addition to your list of disqualifiers from Parental Blame: ASD Spectrum Disorder ( Theory of Mind) *Premack and Woodward 1978

[@samvaknin]

ASD has nothing to do with parenting.

[@alexkhvan3081]

Daaamn, that was good 😮

[@dauphinviennois]

We had a collective Social isolation recently.

[@spg770]

Hello Prof, thank you for this highly informative video. Would you say the appeasement vs rebellion strategies in childhood correspond to the formation of Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders respectively?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the video again more attentively.

[@puoesseremostrato1584]

It seems obvious to me now, but it took me a long time to realize that the politics of the world RELIES on bad parenting. If only responsible people were physically able to reproduce (or even 'allowed' to reproduce)... there would soon be no surplus to retirement in society ; and no surplus to requirement in society would mean... no volunteers to fill the lower ranks of the military. Isn't it funny that the dream of *world* *peace* is so easily achieved... if only mankind became completely sterile.

[@Nope-ru1rd]

You have changed my diaper mind many times.

[@marciestoddard730]

Lol nice one

[@melindahart5290]

😂😂

[@ManicMechanic666]

Sam, if children are exposed to all the above in various amounts, is it possible to turn this around at any point if they’re still young? Do you have any advice for parents who were not able to prevent them from exposure due to Malignant Narc father? (Also abusing and draining mother, relentlessly) Any information would be greatly appreciated. Children are 4/6/8 years old…. Thanks in advance!

[@samvaknin]

Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist. The earlier the intervention, the better the prognosis.

[@MentalWellnessWithWaihiga]

Is this why I don't want children? I feel like I have to choose. It's either I have children and they never meet my parents or I stay childless and never consider this disturbing cycyles

[@GloriaEG]

Thank you 🙏

[@marijanaperkovic2038]

Is it possible that socially isolated child becomes both ideal and bad object, due to opposite signals and raising from mother and father. If so, what are the consequences

[@samvaknin]

No, it is not possible. The mother generates the internal object. The father has little influence in this critical phase of personal development. Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist and search the channel for “father” and for “daddy”.

[@professorchaos9]

I am reading the book Living Life Backward: How Ecclesiastes Teaches Us to Live in Light of the End. In this book I found this quote. ''When a man comes to die, no matter what his talents and influence and genius, if he dies unloved his life must be a failure to him and his dying a cold horror.'' - John Steinbeck, East of Eden My narcissistic dad was asked to see an oncologist hematologist by his GP, I had feared the worst and contemplated many thoughts and feelings regarding his eventual death and the suffering he may endure if he gets ill. It finally ended up being nothing major. When I came across this quote it brought me to tears and a state of compassion I had previously not felt.

[@kwameedusei147]

This reminds me of the parenting in the black American community

[@Toni-ve6lx]

As a social worker, I've observed these parenting types in American communities of various ethnicities and backgrounds. This includes my own.

[@nadineadam419]

Prof. Vaknin, you say this parents love their children… Please tell me, how do I know, if I am such a mother? Because mine was/is this way, and I swore I make it better, but I think I am failing. Am I a good enough mother? How can I know it?

[@samvaknin]

Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist.

[@cnunex1766]

My kids are good kids, and my husband never compliments them, he would rage up to seven hours whenever they dare stand up to him or dare protect me.

[@victorianedelcheva3599]

Professor, can we build an ego in our thirties after spending over a decade learning and educating ourselves and expanding our self-awareness? So we can be somewhat healthy 🙏

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@the-octagon]

Is there any correlation with music performers and narcissism? Not the obvious lead singer that adores attention, but the less visible musicians in the background

[@samvaknin]

Not that we know of.