Covert Narcissist’s Sadistic Envy Fantasy (conference presentation)

Video presentation at the 40th Global Psychiatry and Mental Health Conference, July 17-18, 2023 London, UK
Is malicious envy a form of sadism? Wish to destroy your betters is. Covert narcissist’s pseudo-humility and victimhood stance masks sadistic malicious envy. He compensates with fantasies (good person, superhero against supervillains, behind the scenes power, rescuer/savior/healer, etc.)
Our wellbeing depends on connectivity and narcissists are hurtful because they deny this possibility.
Sadistic component in narcissistic pathological related to power, not only to pain. More precisely: to the power to inflict pain, even if it is not used. Sadism is mediated via sadistic rivalry and malicious envy.
Sadism can be externalized-aggressive (inflicting pain) or passive-aggressive (frustrating, withholding, avoiding).
Wary of possible retribution, narcissists withdraw into a world of fantasy where they are adulated, loved, and shielded from the consequences of their actions (because they are preciously unique or childlike).
LITERATURE
Pathological narcissism and sadistic personality: The role of rivalry and malicious envy by Guyonne Rogier, Alessandro Amo, Beatrice Simmi, Patrizia Velotti, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 205, April 2023, 112097, doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2023.1...
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...

[@LizaNaude]

he was envious of my natural artistic talent: he almost succeeded in destroying me along with my gift. but he overplayed his hand. thank God. I am set free - now licking my wounds.

[@shivasgirl1609]

Please know that your comment will help SO many others who haven't been lucky enough to stop being destroyed ... just yet. I am thanking you on all our behalves.

[@vel2118]

i noticed similarities in my case , she never showed it openly but I could sense that she was envious of that i'm doing music...

[@erikaxchristine]

I feel like they are mad at themselves that they can’t utilize their talents one way or another due to their own lack of dedication or other reason.

[@emmamonroe3311]

They all overplay their hands. Why? Becuz they are their own worst enemies and at the end of the day we no longer care about them. -The End

[@hopebernhardt7732]

I finally went back to school and he cheated on me when he realized how happy I was....now I have to wait and finish later when I can think straight again.. ..he admits he is a narcissist, even told me to listen to Sam's videos.

[@charliebubbles9501]

He tried to destroy me but didn’t realise i had educated myself and could defend myself against his machinations.

[@lucertola123456]

It took me 15 years to understand I was in a relationship with a covert narci. I suffered a lot of pain. I am so grateful to be out of it. It has been a terribly awful journey. Their jealousy destroyed a lot of my life, I was training to became a lawyer and the situation at home was so awful that I failed. Lots of my potential was stopped. I knew it was happening but I was like a child in their hands. I am working on expressing my potential now. I have left the relationship in January 2023, still healing but feeling much much better and very proud of myself. Have had a lot of help. Could not have done it on my own.

[@hazel9903]

I really hope you get another chance to achieve your ambitions - at least you're in a healthier place now.

[@arcticgoddess]

I am proud of you. You did an incredibly difficult thing now it's your time to shine

[@lucertola123456]

@@hazel9903 thank you so much, since I have left I have had a short story published. Writing is my thing and I carry on doing it!

[@lucertola123456]

@@hazel9903 thank you so much 😊

[@lucertola123456]

@@arcticgoddess thank you so much, it has been extremely difficult - I will shine this is my only goal now 🙂

[@dutchbros6125]

my mother is a sadist, its so sad. she's a beautiful person, but had a harsh upbringing. she can sit there for hours, and you can see on her face how sad she is, just the opposite of smiling, its so depressing. I had to discard the whole family. all fly monkeys and psychos lol.

[@jessicaabbott10]

All of this describes my covert narc sibling to a tee. She was dropped from high school because she was caught cheating; forever held a grudge against me for that because “we’re twins” and she didn’t think it was fair that I graduated. I studied hard and got good grades and she accused me of doing sexual favors for the teacher. She would RAGE and start fights with me as I was getting ready for school. I couldn’t attend my own high school graduation ceremony because the family agreed that her feelings would be hurt if she had to watch me accept my diploma and didn’t think it would be right if I had a party, either. Friends of mine threw me a party anyway, and we themed the party as a “twins theme” to include her. Decorations and the cake were congratulating both her and I, and she also got gifts. She was still throwing fits that whole day, and later told me (18 years later) that she would “rather die than relive that day”. She got her GED a few months later and friends threw another party just for her. So she got two graduation parties when she didn’t even graduate high school. She was throwing fits that whole day, too. She never learned to drive, either. Could never hold a job. She always treated me as though I felt superior to her when that wasn’t true and I tried helping her. She would get aggressive to the point of violence. When she found out I was in a serious relationship with someone, she hacked my social media accounts and went on a smear campaign that lasted years- posting obscene things in my name to defame me, knowing that even my employer would see- and escalated it further when I got married by also slandering my husband, who she has never even met to this day. She admitted later that it’s because she was extremely unhappy in her own marriage. I never got a real apology from her for anything she did; but she will go on and on and on and on and on and on for hours without letting you get a word in to fill your head with all kinds of excuses to justify her behavior. I went out of my way to apologize to her for anything I may have done to make her think that I thought less of her, but nothing ever soothed her. To this day, she does not have a job and still never learned to drive, and is divorced. I recently had to cut ties with my whole family dynamic because they all enable her and I wasted so much of my own time to make her feel better about herself, to the point where my own life and mental health was going down in flames for a while- which was what she wanted all along, but it still never made her happy. Nothing does. You just have to walk away from people like this.

[@danadilworth7284]

Wow, omg this happen to me with my twin sister

[@ZLLi661]

Wow! Good for you for being able to grow in that cluster of toxins😳😵😵😵. I escaped mine. My older sister even with her own achievements still had to denigrate or dismiss mine. But it was moot coz I went low contact. She did stop as soon as she got engaged. But as soon as our mother (the one who would not allow her to physically assault or verbally abuse me, was out of the house for good (died), my sister started up again. Her ‘true ugly’ revealed after taking off her mask. She first targeted one of my kids- the who who has been ill with a life threatening condition of which she dismissed. She is a nurse for over 30 years so I realize she would be dangerous if near him and he needed help through either her incompetence or vindictiveness or both. Then denigrated my husband whim she really does not know. Then stolen items our dead mother wanted to give my daughters. Her ‘dead to me’ offence was denying me from attending the spreading if my dead mothers ashes which she organized it so I could not get there in time and then said I was not welcome coz it would upset our sadistic abusive father who was going. 3 days after the event I found out he never went. I’ve gone no contact to the other 2 narcs but my sister who was never a sister to me growing up anyway - is now dead to me. 🤷🏽‍♀️. I did feel bad - only coz I allowed her to deceive me and my family and steal from my daughters, and for 30 yrs thinking she had changed. Coz mum wanted me to give her a second chance.. I feel nothing now. She has no value.

[@orion7881]

that's crazy but i think ur capping

[@jan-tn9eq]

@@Bethgunningholy shit. I had the exact same. But I had it that way that I realised by the age of 25 that I can’t receive any worth in their eyes, so I just focussed on myself. And that was when the real horror began now that they didn’t get any supply furthermore from me.

[@MrsTruthTeller]

Ugh. Your family is DEAD WRONG for how they enabled her behavior. I hope you have found peace from being away from her and that so-called family.

[@christinegivens9048]

My mother actually said I’m jealous of you. I thought it was weird then but now I understand I’ve been dealing with a covert narc my whole life. 😢

[@Peecup]

Me too

[@suehb3995]

✅️

[@arcticgoddess]

Me too. My sister and best friend. It has taken me ten years to get over the betrayal. The only reason we are amicable right now is that as opposed to when I found her out, and I was wealthy and living in a luxury beachfront, I lost everything from a breakdown. There is nothing I have that she wants. Once I do, I will be prepared for my own well-being, but proactive in terms of: " When I lose weight/have success, you may notice that ______ will speak badly about me. If this happens, please do the courtesy of coming to me to verify this information." It makes me sad that she is not the sister I thought I had. I convinced myself I was crazy and wrong (with her help) for years. Now I accept it..😢

[@dinky-diridgy-didge636]

Same here😢

[@jessicaabbott10]

That’s what happened to me too except it was a sibling.

[@pattyrooney1323]

Coming from one of these family as the scapegoat is unbelievable to the outsider. I kicked the whole family+ so-called friends to the curb. No more B.S.

[@ThoseStairsTheFirst]

So giving them empathy and forgiveness only makes them more disgusted and envious?

[@jesuschristthesecond]

it is insulting to them that you would pity them with emotions they cannot fathom having

[@cl9826]

Yeah, because why should you pity them you should be afraid of them. I thought a lot of this behavior was unconcious but now I think they know exactly what they are doing. I'm glad to know their whole exsistence hangs on the thread of external events though, must be an absolutely exhausting exsistence.

[@TheMostDivine]

thank you for spelling this out for me, i needed to hear it LOL

[@nji7772]

yes

[@alexismerrilldragonqueen6552]

I was at a very low point a few years ago, just broken up with my ex boyfriend and living on my parent's couch. My covert narcissist best friend at the time was incredibly envious of me [I didn't know she was a narcissist or envious because her mask was crafted just so]. She invited me and my new boyfriend and her boyfriend to all go to dinner and hang out. She proceeded to act like a total prostitute in front of all of us. She had her boyfriend trained to be quiet when she acted this way, but me and my boyfriend were flabbergasted. We left abruptly. We hung out a second time and she did it again! All 3 of us ignored and grey rocked her while she was acting like a drunken prostitute. We left abruptly again. The third time was the discard. She knew she couldn't ever get my boyfriend's attention and it pissed her off so badly, that there was something I had that she couldn't have. In her narcissistic drunken mind, she thought she had the control to take my boyfriend away from me because she thought she was better than me. 😂😂😂 At first, I was upset because she discarded me so harshly, but I soon came to realize that I didn't even know who she was! And she would get completely psycho when she was drunk, and I don't need someone like that in my life. 5 years later she unblocked me on facebook and I knew the hoover was coming. I also noticed that she had erased all evidence of her previous ex boyfriend (narcissist controlling and erasing history). She sent me the worst apology ever that didn't even capture the essence of what she had done to me, except the fact that her drinking was a problem [she never mentioned quitting alcohol, because she is an alcoholic]. I left that trash apology on "read" for eternity and I will never respond to that nonsense.

[@whygohome172]

My ex had a psycho he screwed behind my back. She would call me at work and hang up and would come to the store where I worked to taunt me. She ended up getting pregnant by my boyfriend but he wouldn't have anything to do with her after I kicked him out. She thought our house was his BUT HE LIED!

[@lornalastimosa817]

I had a best friend since high school along the way on gc high school batch I noticed she often showed disagreement with any of my ideas (only me) I never knew twas gaslighting me I felt some of flying monkeys agreed to what she said about me😕 manipulative behaviour she so much fond of😕 I found out the awkwardness silence when am in the group, It was uneasy feeling for me😕 took me longer time overthinking to choose between Friendship and Peace considering 5decades of friendship to dump 😔 I never knew the exact term of her behaviour Not until I came across of Feeds from different coaches on here Real she is NARcs 😢 I discarded myself from the batch group which I feel safe being away from toxic ppl NARcs and flying monkeys 😕🧐 Peace ACHIEVED ❤

[@lizzchoate]

What a fantastic breakdown of why they 'love' your free-spirited affect, artistic talents, etc., then in the discard phase they seem to hate those aspects of you and cause you to dim your light to please them and get those crumbs of approval from them again.

[@NolanZ37]

*Oh lookie, another video about my mother!* 💥💥

[@terrijones1167]

hilarious! My thoughts too!😂😂😂

[@Aprayerfortheloney]

I thought the same

[@AriGP]

Yes, it sounds like our mothers are alike.

[@southernbawselady7092]

Matthew 10:36... "Your worst enemies will be members of your own family" So sad, but true! Stay strong and blessed everyone! 🙏

[@maryfrances1307]

This comment is hilarious!😁

[@csabaradnai2885]

I have been always thought that my mother was driven by envy. I felt she was the oposite of normal moms. The more succesful I got the more desperate, angry she became. I didnt find sense in it, I thought It couldnt be true. Listening to prof. Vaknin everything connects. Everything got sense. What I felt was true. Every bit of them. Now I feel anger.

[@csabaradnai2885]

@@caroleminke6116 Sorry for that. I think we never be able to understand what happens in mind of a mother like yours and mine. Alien creatures from an other universe.

[@suzannechurcher1745]

My ex partner said he believed I got pleasure out of his misery. Even small things like a plane being delayed, losing out on something and would say I Hope that makes your day better. Total projection and I left the toxic cycle once and for all

[@2Up2DownLiving]

My ex husband sabotaged any interest/hobby i had that involved any degree of talent. I'm a lover of learning..... i believe you never stop learning but he knew 'everything' about anything i was interested in, poo pooed it, and deliberately put a stop to all of it eventually. Whether it was 'accidently' breaking musical instruments, ripping paintings, causing a problem (that i had to fix immediately on my return) when i went away for the day to Show my dogs, stopping me being in a second days filming in a directors exam and getting me banned from the drama network etc......he would spoil it. I started to watch this video as i have c-ptsd and wanted a bit of a break from watching a video that directly involved issues that i knew involved my problems....... you made me see that this was actually a video i needed to see. Hence the above. Thank you. It's just occurred to me how he always caused a drama on birthdays, Christmas, outings, visits, appointments etc...we were always late....guess whose fault it always was!!??..... i'd get the children ready and he'd decide we'd have to go before i got myself ready....and we'd arrive with me with wet hair and no make-up.

[@jeanmcguire9206]

You did't write the song, "Lose you to love me", did you? I'm sure you take comfort in knowing you re not the only one. This song is so painful and so real.... Lose You to Love Me You promised the world and I fell for it I put you first and you adored it Set fires to my forest And you let it burn Sang off-key in my chorus 'Cause it wasn't yours … I saw the signs and I ignored it Rose-colored glasses all distorted Set fire to my purpose And I let it burn You got off on the hurtin' When it wasn't yours, yeah … We'd always go into it blindly I needed to lose you to find me This dancing was killing me softly I needed to hate you to love me, yeah

[@juliekswanson]

My mother was the same way.

[@Monipenny1000]

I don't know him, not defending him but I am pointing out the issue with your statement. It's not unusual for people to always blame the other person, are you sure you have not done that? I raised four kids, two of them were my husbands with his first wife. During those years, it never occured to me that I should expect him to help, I was fulfilling the role of wife and mother. This was back when husbands were pretty much worthless around the home. My point is, I had to time it, getting all four of them ready and then myself, every week for church and every other event, gah. If we were a minute late, I was to blame. What I didn't know then that I know now was that he has OCPD, not the same as OCD, one of the traits of OCPD is the need to be punctual. They are also difficult to live with. What I didn't know all those years was that I could simply ask him for help and he would have, he just has to be asked. Damn, if I had known that......

[@YoungMastaKing]

Sounds like sabotage. Glad you can see and know that it's INTENTIONAL. Masochists enjoy seeing people frustrated, insecure and suffering. It makes them feel superior. It's pure evil.

[@jennifertsuchida5598]

Thank you Dr Vaknin for enunciating what I have always intuitively known but thought too impossibly evil to be true: the covert narcissist's cruelty masked as concern and the glimmer of delight in their eyes, quickly subverted, in hearing about the misfortunes and even the tragedies of their prey. These videos are invaluable.

[@PeterShaw-ne1yq]

It is true! When I got closer to her she became more and more sarcastic and passive-aggressive Then, as I backed off, she became more friendly 🤯

[@sigmundfreud1467]

Really? ı experience same situation now. What did you do in that situation?

[@PeterShaw-ne1yq]

@@sigmundfreud1467 cut and run! You cannot establish sane communications with them! THAT is NPD

[@AriGP]

This comes in handy at the moment in my life. We as a society need to start doing something about this kind of people.

[@ursulahofbauer7668]

First and foremost we as a society should figure how people become this way.

[@AriGP]

@@ursulahofbauer7668 we already know that it's multifactorial and that it most often than not, it stems from childhood trauma. The thing is, that those folks don't want to be taken accountable, so it's up to the rest of us to decide wheter we want to engage with them in the society and sustain a culture that allows them to thrive and do damage.

[@freedomdude5420]

Don’t give them mm of power there all the same, they want to dominate to hid from there weak personality called inflated ego.

[@rgp8034]

They should ABSOLUTELY be registered publically - just like sex-offernders. Those are BOTH predators- and people should be aware of them. Oh, their ''feelings'' hurt and their privacy ''invaded'' booo-hooo.Tens of thousands of souls saved: physically, mentally and psychologically - by not being potential victims.

[@freedomdude5420]

@@rgp8034 by that logic, you collapse the world economy and global system, because were power is, the narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, and dark empath are not far behind.

[@sunnyday3539]

These types cause a lot of problems in the workplace. Dealing with them is more stressful than the most stressful work.

[@user-nd6so7yg2y]

I like what Dr. Phil on TV used to coin. " IF YOUR GONNA HATE ON ME ,.......YOUR GONNA HAVE TO DO THAT FROM A DISTANCE. " I keep my Sociopathic Criminal Narcisist at a distance as I did with my dying Narc mother and monkey brother and sister inlaw.

[@whygohome172]

My narcs waited till the 9:05 possible point in my life to let their masks slip. They were absolutely FRENZIED as they scrambled to divide up my mom's life insurance policy! The funny part is I ended up getting an insurance settlement for 10x what they stole! Sweet karma!!!

[@iu.5146]

After my divorce one of my kids struggled because her narcissistic father abandoned her. She also had Bipolar 1 disorder, that wasn’t diagnosed yet but worsened daily. It resulted in a suicide attempt. When I called my mother in desperation ( in my home country) she didn’t care about her granddaughter. All she wanted yo know was if I still owned my house, despite being divorced. Who cares about a house when your child is in despair?! A covert narcissist! My mother always wanted a house but never got one. They could afford it but my father wasted money on all sorts of things. This phone call was the last straw. I’ve cut all ties with them. No contact for 10 years. Best decision.

[@pola2216]

She was envious because of my boyfriend. She is a promiscuous girl in her mid twenties and I happened to be her roommate. Firstly, she tried to seduce him, then she wanted to make me sleep around (which I refused to do). Finally, she started to manipulate me, control me, criticize me in a passive-aggressive way. She spread false rumors about myself. I lost my boyfriend, my friends. Now she tries to reach out to my family via facebook claiming she is worried about me. I blocked her, but she still finds ways to appear in my life and that prevents me from healing:( what should I do? I'm scared of that person😢

[@cuppasilverbullets]

You need to expose her publicly or get a restraining order

[@julielehman1921]

Pray to The Father, constantly in every matter, he loves you. I hope you well, there are weirdos everywhere experiencing what you are. You will be fine. Your special and they hate you for that. Get use to it, stay good, stay fit, join a good church biblestudy and everything will get better 🙏 😊 ❤️

[@bridgette4921]

Maintain a dignified silence. If your boyfriend and other friends you mentioned are so easily influenced by her, they can’t be made of much. Bide your time. It may be lonely times ahead for a while. Pat cats and dogs. Go for walks. You will meet new people and find love again. All the best to you.

[@pola2216]

@@pearpo Omg you're scaring me so much😢 Recently she has hacked me on linkedin and I was wondering why. She wants to be friends with my brother and he told me several times to call her, he said that she was a human being too, that she was worried about me. I changed my address, I even decided to change my school and I'm afraid that it's all for nothing. I'm not the only person she treated this way. Her friends helped her to seduce a boyfriend of her ex-roommate. The girl started doing drugs, she was completely destroyed and she was only 21 :(:( Everybody criticized the boy and not her. She was forgiven very quickly, that's terrifying.

[@ginafarley6190]

Trust your gut. She’s dangerous. Glad you have a new address. Warn your coworkers that if they are contacted by someone claiming to be your friend or family member, that it’s a stalker. That way she can’t hurt your reputation.

[@marietjevanderloo6442]

Excellent video, I had a best 'friend' for 23 years and she was like this, trying to destroy me because she envied me. She's no longer in my life.

[@mygirldarby]

I had a best friend since we were 13 years old like this too. She tried to sleep with every guy I dated. Every one of them told me she hit on them when I walked out of the room! I kept forgiving her... Why? Because I was raised to forgive and forgive and forgive again when it came to my extremely abusive older brother (covert narcissist) and my self centered mom who had lots and lots of boyfriends and had no problem moving them into our "home" (we moved a lot to apartments and trailers). I wasn't supposed to get mad about any of it ever and neither apologized to me, until I finally addressed the abuse much later in life and they did apologize then. Anyway my best friend told me she was jealous of me and I was like wtf. I had a sh*tty life. Wtf was there to be jealous of? It was like she was jealous of who I am rather than one particular trait. Weird, right? She introduced me to my now husband (covert narcissist) who left me when I got sick after 25 year marriage. But that's another awful story that doesn't yet have an ending. It is to be determined as I am in the middle of the storm. I ended my friendship with my "best friend" after she tried to mettle in my new marriage. We had been friends for about 15 years. She tried to destroy me in many ways over the years, but my marriage was way more important to me than she was. That was about 25 years ago. She still tries to contact me once in a while, but she's too sick to let her into my life ever again. Have you seen the movie, Beaches?

[@munequa81]

I have the last laugh against my psycho narc mother and sister in laws when my husband still decided to propose to me after all their crap. Not only that, I went NC before he proposed and we had a wonderful elopement that they didn't know about until a year later. They may be happy I'm gone, but my husband (their son and brother) also left with me. Now we live a happy and peaceful life without the trash!

[@olgaarchipova8778]

The very existence of other people keeps reminding them how inferior they are…and they will always feel in this way until the last person is still alive…

[@AttackxThexzombies]

This is going to be long but I want to share my experience… I was a convert narcissist’s “target” who happened to be my mother in law. Since I met her something always felt wrong about her. She had this mask so perfectly on. No one would ever suspect who she really is. Not even 20 minutes in meeting her for the first time, she told me her whole life story and all the trauma she went through. We never really got along because I am not the person who is going to sugar coat things just to make you feel better about yourself. Which is true she is always the victim, playing hero, needing to control everyone and everything etc etc, everything in this video describes her. When COVID-19 first surfaced my husband and I both were laid off from work. Unemployment wasn’t optional at the moment due to a long wait. Here comes my MIL “playing hero” letting us know that she can take us in so we can get up our feet. To me personally it seems very generous of her and I was grateful little did I know I was walking into my personal hell. First weeks were okay little by little the whole energy had completely changed. I noticed she started “picking up” my style, the music I listen, I am into spiritually so she started claiming that as well I have always known her as this lady who is “ A Christian conservative lady” if you know, you know. She was so insistent in washing my laundry at the time I hadn’t seen any red flags so I was like okay thank you.I even bought detergent to help out since she was washing my clothes because I knew she will eventually would approach me with her iconic line “ I am a low income women with a mother with dementia” was her line every time she try getting anything free or have anyone feel bad for her. My clothes slowly started “ripping” but not a regular rip it looked like someone took the time to neatly undo the stitch. At first I thought it was odd but all my clothes started to disappear. She obviously knew what kind of underwear I used she would come to me out of nowhere and be like guess what I bought today and would show me the same underwear I own. I cannot make this up. I just found it so creepy and so childish this lady is 50 something years old. Of course the same underwear she bought, mine would eventually disappear. Everything I had and then eventually she bought would eventually disappear. I started confronting her and asking her why are my clothes ripped and I never got all my clothes back. My name brand clothes would also disappear. When I told her I would just wash my own clothes. She started with this little mind games. I lived in Arizona it gets hot she didn’t had a AC she had a swap cooler since it was a mobile home. What broke the straw was her refusing to turn the swap cooler my 4 year old was fussy with the amount of heat. How can you claim you love your grandson when you won’t turn on the swap cooler just to spite his mom. She wanted me to beg her to turn it on since she couldn’t destroy my things anymore. She found other ways to hurt me long story short I left that place after that. I moved to a different state. I kept telling my husband your mom is stealing and ruining my things on purpose he would sit there and say my mother would never. He would say she goes by her moral code she can’t stand a lair, thief and Hypocrites everything that she really is. Plus you have no evidence. Well, Everything done in the dark eventually comes to light. Fast word my sister in law fell in hard times we let her move in I noticed in her laundry basket she had a particular pair of underwear that had gone missing a particular one that my husband bought me at Victoria secret I was curious I asked her about it and she tells me my mother in law was the one who gifted her this pair. This lady is a xxl I am a medium. We all confronted her she denied denied denied and refused to apologize and of course made herself the victim. We all decided to cut her off and till this day we don’t speak. Of course there is so much more than just those events but I can write a whole book about it. If you made it this far thank you I smoked a joint and didn’t realize how much I wrote lol. Sending love 💜💜 watch out for them Judas.

[@Prodigy68]

So perhaps you should write a book about it? Or maybe a short story, or even a filmscenario.

[@JamesPetroff]

The fun part is walking away forever, ghosting them forever (no exceptions), and then living your best life surrounded by people who appreciate you and care about your well-being. Let them scratch their eyes out when they see you succeed. 😂😂😂😂😂

[@hazel9903]

Social media has just encouraged these vacuous, narcisstic types. The flip side of that is the trolls who can cause immense psychological damage to vulnerable people while they also enjoy doing it.

[@ghostqueen2082]

He criticizes everything I do but then copies everything I do...his jealousy makes him nasty.He screamed at me everyday for a week after my heart attack as he realised his external harddrive ie my brain almost died 😂

[@miwdiva]

Thank you so much for this. I was the target of a serious malignant narcissist/psycopath (serious case, he had problems with the Law, even went to jail) and it is a fact that they cannot stand the LIGHT of others. Thank you very much Dr. Vaknin, cheers from Canada. :)

[@miwdiva]

@@barbpaq You are 110% right!! They will do anything, absolutely anything to destroy it, gain control or delude themselves they ''control'' the situation, even with people they don,t know.

[@kellykajander3115]

🕵️‍♀️yup...my ex NARC SPOUSE was GASLIGHTING his boss...making him squirm b 4 sum VERY important contracts he just wouldnt show up on time & it was absolutely very very "on purpose" just 2 revel in the bosses emotional & mental ANGUISH...but boss WAS very sharp...boss PLAYED that stupid NARC using his own grandiosity...he had THAT NARC believing he was going 2 buy him a NEW truck...& I remember how shocked i was 2 C THE LEVEL OF ERROGANCE IN THE NARC THAT HE SO EASILY BOUGHT IT/ THE next week?... narc tells me the boss has no friends🤔..right out of the blue🤔YA I SEE🤔SO BOSS NO GOOD THIS WEEK HEY?..NOT TRUE AT ALL BTW-FUNNY COINCIDENCE WAS JUST A MONTH LATER NARC WAS HIT FROM BEHIND TOTALLING HIS BEATER TRUCK...MAKES U WONDER HEY?🤔BUT I DON'T SPEND ALOT OF TIME PONDERING ANY NARC...MY LIFE IS 2 BUSY

[@aahaider4453]

Having watched every one of your videos, this one in particular explains just how evil the N in my life has been. It literally explains everything. I can’t thank you enough for being here to articulate it. I have grappled with “how could he” from every possible angle but this is the absolute word for word explanation of the earth shattering pain and venomous Machiavellian twisted confusing dysregulating vicious assault on my life when things were going so well to bring me to a minuscule fraction of my former self requiring half my life just to be able to breathe again. This N used basically every single manipulative tactic under the sun and listening to this video I can now see how they would have stopped at nothing had I not capitulated when I did. Your videos and help have provided the awareness that has kept me sane and delivered me from this unmitigated evil. There’s no one else on the planet that has the deep insight across all flavours of these super snakes like you do.

[@susanhb1205]

I agree with you. His videos bring such clarity so that there is greater understanding of just how malignant their minds are. I have been married for 29 years to a covert narcissist who has now run off with his new supply. My analytical mind needed Sam's videos in order to truly understand what has happened.

[@monpesh9732]

I am married to a covert narcissist and didn't know what I was into until last year when my daughter sent me a video about Narcissistic Relationship

[@franco2b145]

Does he have a life insurance policy on you? That you are aware of? Be careful.. poisoning is usually their weapon of choice.

[@MariaNI-yf1bz]

Thank you so much. This explains exactly the behaviour of a teacher (!)towards my 15 year old (profoundly gifted) son. He started there january 2023 and now had to leave because of this evil person.

[@christinarodriguez8194]

The narcissist woman that was with my partner before made me their target.... after my partner chose to be with me because I gave healthy relationship affection and boundaries. She laid in wait and then slowly broke down my partner and his values....over a year then got him to cheat on me and take his attention and support away from me during my most important life events (promotion, graduation, birthday, pregnancy) yeah...so I just came across this analysis in trying to maintain my mental strength and refocus attentions... Oh by the way my partner gave in /activated their covert narcissism and i became the target while he stayed in contact with his narcissistic "mistress" Fun times

[@carloslorenzothecuban5280]

You are the more experienced professor , very clear for me , I’m an engineer , I was involved with a cover narcissist girlfriend that almost destroyed me She was very passive aggressive and sadistic vindictive trying to cause pain and emotional abuse in a very sutil way Thanks professor

[@Lisa-ek8sb]

Very subtle ways of inflicting pain is right my sil is trying to destroy my daughters spirit of independence and she's not seeing it as I watch her give up on her dreams because of this guy because of the passive aggressive behavior and stonewalling etc... I too pray for the grandkids. He'll play with them and get them all wound up and then yell at them like all get out for being wound up up just as one way he can control the little kids and hurt her at the same time but if she says anything he just won't take care of kids at all ever unless it's his way even though they have no sitter and she's the only one working He quit his job of 13 years just to put the load on her he doesn't help with the house or yard work for 3 acres he will eat when he should be feeding kids and just skip them all together unless she's home on a day off. It's pathetic, disgusting and infuriating. Sorry for venting on you

[@avadhuta_4]

Thank you, a great talk. For me it was hard to imagine that envy can become malicious like this, but now I see. I lived about five years in this kind of relationship with femme fatale kind of woman. After thirty years now, looking at it, I can see the snake of envy, anger, and need to destroy me. I totally failed to see the red flags, and took the full load, and it almost destroyed me. Thinking it now, it was like from the tale of Snow White.

[@BlackbirdLilian]

oof, this is. So much what it is. I used to think I was like my mother because I lost at life and I'm around all these great people who are achievers and much younger, but I only want to be like them, I don't want them to be any less awesome and am happy for them, and feel guilty for not just being happy for them in their awesome moments, not being fully present with them and their success because I feel sorry for myself. My mother once almost accidentally said to me "I was never as beautiful as you" in an attempt to feel sorry for herself and explain how much harder her life was compared to mine, then realized what she had just said. That she had gone against her attempts at showing me how ugly I was all my life, and that's when I realized what was actually happening. These two are very different things.

[@missygee531]

I believe todays topic is about my older sister. Thru the years, she has diagnosed everyone but after awhile i realized she was talking about herself. I have learned that she only wants to destroy ppl, especially me. In the family, she got the intellect, I got the beauty and she wanted to destroy me for it. Karma came....she was vicious with everyone. Now she is all alone in her old age.

[@jans724]

Very interesting talk! Sadly it describes my ex. very accurately. She's a covert narcissist with very malignant traits as well as always playing victim. A real nasty piece of work. I have to protect my daugter against her. This presentation helped me understand some things better.

[@maryritch]

SHe was envious in my entire personality. The fact that we had similar backgrounds and I still feel things. The fact that I truly take a stand and genuinely want to be there for my loved ones. I'm not stuck in 1998 lol

[@darudesandstorm072]

a scary look at my shadow self and a light on some figures from my past

[@movingforward.]

Thanks for honesty

[@comingsoon8057]

Gertrudes see their objects of envy as incapable of suffering.

[@burningproblem]

My ex liked to dissuade me from writing, telling me it was no good and I shouldn't write in English. I tried to put that in the perspective of “the feminine testing my masculine resolve”, which was, of course, pure cope. My alternative (later) hypothesis was that it was a form of projection, since she was also an aspiring writer (who I did encourage, by-passing my own needs as a sickly people pleaser). Now, I'm starting to think that there might have been something slightly more abusive going on under the surface, a suspicion which is difficult for me to explore; as somebody with some covert narcissistic tendencies myself, I find it difficult to not see myself as the source of all things, both good and bad, that happen around me.

[@heidiwood3166]

Well written

[@maryfrances1307]

Your last sentence sounds more like accountability than covert narcissism.

[@burymeinbaldwin5896]

This is gold

[@etaokha4164]

He was envious of everything i have and also am the better parent towards my kids than he ever will be. I proofed to him that am unbreakable because he tried many times to break me and the discard was the last card for me i never went back. He copies everything people do or have. That why a narcissist will have 5 to 10 houses or cars because they dont have a sense of their own so they copy aka mirror. This is very common with african men they are very competitive with each other especially when someone builds a house.

[@khalidalzayani7072]

Prof Sam--- I am soooooooo impressed .... probably this should be taught in 11th grade--- into 2nd year college----------- this is way more value added than Physics / Math... I am an engineer BTW

[@seanjarett4448]

Home-bray !! (hombre) You just nailed my mother's disorder and confirmed my little armchair diagnosis: That ol' battleaxe is covert like a mo'fo !!! thankyou, brother...

[@JohnDoe-vy5hh]

My sibling is a covert narcissist with malicious, destructive envy. It started the day our mother brought me home from the hospital and has manifested as a lifelong sibling rivalry I want no part of. I committed the worst sin possible to a narcissist, I called him out and exposed him in public. He has gone full blown Machiavellian since. I had to end contact will all family members.

[@stavuk]

Thank you Sam. You have just described the 15 years of oppression I have felt from my brother who did this exact thing to me 😔 I survived thankfully but the experience of the hell of having your life destroyed is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

[@larryparks1520]

I actually like the fantasy that I'm a superhero in battle with supervillains. Am I in trouble? lmao

[@antonioosunavalles1770]

Me too hahaha

[@jesuschristthesecond]

the distinguishing factor is whether you have empathy for the villain

[@larryparks1520]

@@jesuschristthesecond That would depend on the villain.

[@toiletfarm]

Isn’t this familiar. Every time my career advanced it was a threat to her. She had a classmate that was smarter than her and it killed her despite being second in her class. She only keeps people around if they are less than in her mind.

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

Only those of us who have lived (twice- mother, then husband) can wrap their mind around it.

[@MikeSaha89]

You shared some sobering perspectives here.

[@satabdimukherjee7491]

Thank you Sir for explaining in such a nice way..There are numerous incidents where I felt that he is never happy with my achievements..now its very much clear to me..

[@Nyc99]

Even when you crying your eyes out, they would say remember how was for me, like why you say that ... again want to make it my tears mean nothing or they will stop if i focus on them.... its mind f...

[@user-fq9gc9zs6u]

Sam, this was extremely mind-blowing, thank you so much. I never knew that envy could entail wishing harm/that the other person you envy would lose what you're envious of.

[@PlumGustave]

Yep. It’s evil.

[@luciennedespota909]

Excellent content. Thank you!

[@flower_goddess1279]

Another brilliant video! Thank you Dr. Sam Vaknin!

[@vaniamcelroy]

Thanks Sam Vaknin you’re always brilliant

[@qplaylistlibrary4296]

Your videos are so informative 🗣 thank you

[@jessicadorsey8483]

Thank you. Very good.

[@blackswann9555]

Amazing content fine sir ! Thank you! 👍

[@pelqel9893]

Wow! Eye-opening... this facet of covert narcissism describes my father, and how he treated my mother - as well as me - in our family. And then my ex-partner and ex-best-friend. Makes things so much clearer now. I hope one day I won't be drawn to these personalities... so very very toxic.😢

[@age93]

Would you speak about this envy in [adult] children of narcissistic parents? How it presents when one covertly sabotages and punishes the other due to the parents favouritism? To be covertly destroyed by a sibling who you were codependent on and had zero realization was narcissistic is massively deliberating. This isn't sibling rivalry. EDIT: At 28 mins you touch on the surface of what I asked, I realized.

[@arcticgoddess]

The exact same thing happened to me. I have been trying to heal for a decade. lmk if you want to chat..(compare notes?)

[@clairedraper7099]

I never accomplished as much as the narc but I did a degree in psychology.I left school at 15.I had to learn IT dissatation writing.His job was IT.Never offered his help.I struggled but got a 2:1.He was furious that I got a degree like him when I couldn't even use a laptop to start.He discarded me for it but used another excuse

[@oliviavass9732]

You are truly the best, I learn so much about your videos. Please continue to do these remarkable insight on narcissism. Thank you again from Australia 😍

[@sosodinary6094]

Well said. Thank you.

[@surabhiagarwal4078]

This is one of your best videos Prof.

[@klp9183]

You Sir Prof. Sam Vaknin are truly a great man! These videos you make really help me alot in my life with the psychopats and Narcissists i have had in my life. Thansk alot.

[@justinekelly7137]

The links that these malignant narcissist will go to to destroy. Another human being is in fathomable, Professor (Sam)‘s description of walking out of the cinema and the lights come on, and you go back to reality after being subjected to narcissistic abuse for so many years describes the surreal experience of a marriage to a T . Only six months out of a 26 year marriage, and still learning about my entire relationship in a completely different perspective.

[@glowgirl2790]

Two and a half years out of a 33yr marriage with a covert narcissist. I finally realized it was not* a marriage but a abusive situation. The first year after leaving was excruciatingly painful. However I've never regretted it. I now have peace, my mind,body and soul are being healed. I'm loving & discovering me and a life worth living. To all never give up on you❤

[@noemikovacs6304]

Excellent examlpe of professionalism, being an exopert of a,certain field and having the ability to deploy science for the 'masses". I coulf use your post for my stadies. Thank you.

[@dagmardiemer414]

Very enlightful, Sam Vaknin, I can't thank you enough putting out your knowledge to us. More than once it put puzzles together for me about thetactics of covert narcissist partners I encountered twice. Knowledge leads to healing. Recently in my professional life, I had and still have to put up with a covert narcissisi boss and with him being very subtle but strategic to belittle me, and to put me in a bad light. Might be because I seem to be a threat because I am more experienced. And truly liked by my collegues. Terrible situation. Any a advice, experience, contact welcome.

[@flybyhorse]

Perfect timing.

[@ritatasnadi]

You are very correct, Sam Vaknin, you are likeable. I think you are a lovely person.

[@virtuallyrealistic]

Thank You Professor Vaknin. I recall the behavior of a middle manager coworker when he was questioning a store manager where there was some evidence of petty theft. The midlevel manager ( Warren) was swinging a baseball bat in a threatening manner in the general direction of the managers head ( smiling as though he was making a joke). I was shocked at the profounly unprofessional way he was trying to pressure they guy to confess his crime. It was in a district managers power to simply fire the manager with or without cause. It was a completly gratutious threat. The same results could be obtained without the implied physical violence that you might see on a TV drama. Hard to imagine how messed up Warren must be at home with his wife and son.

[@Diane-hk3gd]

Prof Sam Vaknin You are 100% right on everything you said in this video. I have the experience to prove it with narcissists and you are right about your thoughts on social media because I was seeing this too!!!

[@jbuntine1255]

Thank you l'm binging on your video's . Very complex issues and people. Getting my head around it all , understand and heal a life of difficulty. I married a snake , no accountability responsibility Agentic generosity our marrage was only a transaction. And the coast $$ I want quality of life l left after 18 yrs. From Ozz

[@kandicejohnson73]

I fell into a narcissist trap. And the narc just so Hpnd to be my dad, and I unknowingly became his target he set out to smash to smithereens. I survived the 3 year abuse cycle clinging onto the edge of my sanity. Itvturbed out I became the scapegoat and the golden child was his son whom is a career criminal which my dad oddly admired. My dad punished me for his son's crimes. Praising and rewarding his son for my accomplishments. Going as far as trying to brainwash me into believing my childhood memories are not mine. They're his son's. It was his childhood I was remembering. And visa versa. So sickening... My dads theme was "he's a good guy always helping others" to play the "victim" card. My dad literally sought true villains whom he knew will screw him over in some kind of way. Those who are honest abd genuine my dad would villify by speaking lies about the person. Because my dad craved the attention victim hood brought him. It was nuts to watch and observe

[@alexharrel]

Absolutely! Happened continuously, just didn’t know what I was looking at back then.

[@TheAppaloosa14]

Brilliant…

[@amerubix185]

They even do not have any scruples to envy you your goals and achievements when you come crawling up from a hell of a dirt hole that someone other has thrown you into already anyway. They even kick your hands away, while you try to pull yourself up from the edge.

[@MrMasterDebate]

This started happening when I was 15 , grandmother just becoming hostile all the time.

[@DrexelGregory]

Oh my gosh I swear you can read minds, this is EXACTLY like someone I know

[@OfficiallymeSaS1221]

This has open my mind 😳

[@ManuelaSchmidt-nj5ko]

💯👌🏼best Man….Lg❤

[@parsley8554]

Amazing

[@PeterShaw-ne1yq]

This gathered together the loose bits I understood about this personality defect🤔

[@cheeksmcgill9858]

So would this be an example of the Sadistic Component in classical sadism? My mother would be talking to someone and say something that would be hurtful or insulting to them to watch their reaction? As a kid, I asked why she said such a thing to this person, even when is was not part of the natural conversation, but totally off subject. She would reply, "I just wanted to get a rise out of them." She'd have a haughty, self congratulatory grin on her face as she said that. It was like it made her feel powerful that she felt she had taken them down a peg and cause unrest with that person.

[@sagenerd419]

yup. F my exes. I've been a good person for so much longer than I've realized *whew*

[@dirtisbetterthandiamonds]

I wish my family could see the irreparable damage my sister in law has done to our family. Absolutely toxic envy by a sadistic narcissist! The last 30 years have been so traumatic.

[@sivannatalie]

I think most people have probably known someone like this. We’re all responsible for our own actions, but I’m trying to imagine being someone who gets satisfaction from this type of thing. I don’t think we can consciously choose what motivates us, but maybe such motivations are necessarily accompanied by justification and a sense of righteousness, in which case, I guess they wouldn’t ever feel guilty.

[@Atufa_Raqshee]

But why do they get satisfied with it? And with their actions, are they abused or an abused child by themselves? I don't think so! An abused child can never act like this even in his adulthood

[@phatgirl5334]

2023 it's called HATERS

[@stephaniegriffiths8218]

My ex wanted to me to pee on me locked me in a room for hours so I can't go to work lick my underwear put it over his head hurt me all the time run me down the streets I could not see or talk to my family or look at other man he cheated with alot of women and denied it or told me it was my fold to be honest thank you for this video bec I never heard anyone talk about this how crazy a narcissist can get

[@MadManInMyVisions]

28:26 Also environmental factors such as being ostracized, demeaned, shunned, or mistreated. Especially, in a community setting.

[@tinasbeans]

My sister in law envied me for things I couldn’t control (the fact I am from a big city, that I worked at a place where celebrities have stopped by, that I am happy in my relationship with her brother, when I received compliments from strangers). She hated me from the moment she met me and I could not figure out why I was such a threat and now it’s clear why. My husband tried to talk to her about those feelings and all she did was meet him with a dead stare. Meanwhile, she does things that in her mind people would envy (not working much, going on vacations, buying expensive clothes, all things that I don’t do much of). I tried to get to know her and was stone walled. It’s so freaky how on the nose this video is.

[@fattyfat-dp7lj]

This video literally describes me to a tee. But I really don't think I'm some kind of master manipulator, it's just that my life has just sort of turned out this way

[@brownie003]

Elon Musk's dad Errol seems like he'd be a covert narcissist. Super envious of Elon and his successes

[@trcrmrpr04]

How would you suggest I handle someone like this who is abusing innocent children? He is so good at getting his way out of everything and projects everything he does onto me. I am struggling to protect my children and they are now suffering suicidal ideations and are being hospitalized because we are struggling to get people to understand how this works. I have survived this 21years now but he is destroying the kids now that he can't access me as easily.

[@trcrmrpr04]

@@marialuislucasdossantosdac7022 I left 8 years ago the justice system is forcing the youngest to go see him. She won't go now getting contempt actions brought against me looking at possible jail time and have already spent $85 thousand dollars in attorneys trying to protect the children. Is the real question answered? Child protection services have been involved as well and no one will do anything to make this stop and I am being displayed as the bad one.

[@katadam2186]

@@trcrmrpr04record him and never let him know about it.. take to lawyer and then charges… proof

[@tny.dncr6260]

Leave you house keeping money on bedside cabinet after sex leving you feeling used and disrespected. My ex did this often he would say he didn't realise it offended me.