Saying Goodbye to Your Roots in 'The Farewell'

In this essay, we discuss the 2019 film The Farewell and how it appeals to our experiences with loss of family and multiculturalism.
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Articles mentioned:
The Cultural Truth at the Heart of the Lies in ‘The Farewell’ | NYT
╰ www.nytimes.com/2019/07/24/mo...
To Tell or Not: The Chinese Doctors’ Dilemma on Disclosure of a Cancer Diagnosis to the Patient | NCBI
╰ www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
Disclosure of cancer diagnosis in China… | NCBI
╰ www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
When People of Color are Discouraged from Going Into the Arts | The Atlantic
╰www.theatlantic.com/education...
What to Ask Instead of ‘How Are You?’ During a Pandemic
╰www.theatlantic.com/family/ar...
0:00 Intro
1:43 A Good Lie
10:53 Pitfalls of the American Dream
17:50 Preserving the Pieces of You

[@linatwoones]

My grandmother used to make this soup that took hours with lots of different Chinese herbs in it, every Chinese New Year she’ll serve it with noodles, and because of how much effort it takes to make I only got to eat it once a year. When she passed away I never got to eat it again. I can still remember the taste but I don’t even know what it’s called. I realised how much is lost when a person passes away. My grandmother was skilled at many handicrafts like sewing and knitting, and an excellent cook (she used to make and sell traditional pastries). My mum learnt several of these skills from her as well, but not everything. Meanwhile I barely know anything. I feel like as the years pass and the generations pass, I’m losing more and more of my culture

[@QualityCulture]

Thanks for your comment, I think a lot of us can relate to that feeling. For me it occurs with my mom as I see her getting older I wonder what I’ll still have of her when she’s gone. But hopefully we’ll be able to be comforted by our memories with our loved ones and have them in our hearts

[@ignatoseg4664]

fuck dude im terrified

[@HT-pl8du]

I'm conflicted if I have a responsibility to pass this "culture" down to the next generation. Because my parents moved to the us from countries that changed rapidly over the last 30 years, the culture I would pass down would just be a dead/dying culture anyway. I'm also unsure of the benefits of passing down a culture at all even though I feel a strong need and guilt to do it

[@colleennewholy9026]

My own grandmother (we're Native America. I'm culturally Lakota, but grew up with my mother's people. Thusly, my maternal grandmother) died rather suddenly, from her Cancer. There was a lot, that she was unable to teach me. A LOT It still pains me, that there was a lot of promises we made to each other, that will never come to be. One of those, is indeed. A soup. It's made of Milkweed, normally considered a toxic plant by most westerners. My grandma, and her grandma, and so on, and so forth. Knew how to make it. Since milkweed only grows for three months in the summer, she made it once or twice a year (if we were lucky). She taught me how to prep it, to make the soup base... But Everytime I try to make it. I can never recapture the same intricate flavours. She never told me, what else you needed to add. She never taught me the history behind how and why it was created. When, in time. Our maternal ancestors brought the dish to the plains, during the Great Migration period (the Tribe was originally from the East Coast, but around the 10th century, there was a massive push inland, and her people were one of many who settled inland) And it hurts. So much.

[@pathlastname9278]

@@HT-pl8du you pass down what you got and you get what you want. that is how culture thrives that is how it survives and that is how it evolves. its up to us as those that came after to be sure that those that came before don't get forgotten and the best way to do that is to hand down what they gave to us.

[@Blackcanvasart]

"She's not just afraid of loosing Nai Nai, She's afraid of loosing what used to be such a significant and meaningful part of her life.... in billie's eyes, Nai Nai's mortality raises a grim realization that without her she has no true link to her heritage" This really stuck a chord with me. As a 2nd generation immigrant I grew up in a house and group where I was too American to be really Chinese- and went out in the world where I was too "Ethnic" to be American. The fear of feeling life you're loosing half of who you are is very terrifying to me and something im trying to understand and navigate.

[@sruthi671]

thats why if u marry someone from ur same cultural background u wont lose urself. I feel sorry that so many poc feel so pressured into marrying white people ... many of whom dont respect ur culture or how that shapes who u are.

[@zeldasp3llman]

this made me sob

[@Uthandol]

@@sruthi671 What a ignorant thing to say. Racism comes in all forms and colors. Whites are no more or less racist than others. My loving wife is a Asian American and I am "white". We have always made just as much of a effort to keep both cultures in our home. And together, we both go forward as Americans. While its true that I had the advantage of growing up here. If we continue as we have in a thousand years we wont have races. Just humans. What a thing to imagine. I fully support someone dating or marrying someone they love or are attracted to, regardless of race. On the Inverse, my life long best friend is Asian American. His wife is white. Neither of us planned this. You love who you love and if you are not a bigot or a racist that should be good enough. If your spouse or significant other is not being respectful of who you are, that is a problem and you need to fix that problem. It doesnt matter your race. Inter racial relationships are the future. And its a good thing for all humanity.

[@yakamen]

@@Uthandol My dad had polio. We're Vietnamese. When we had our coming to terms shortly before he died, I told him how hard I felt I had it - my own struggle in the States. He was sympathetic, and then told me "Son, LIFE is hard." So I agree with you. You could be Asian and unhappy. Your wife could be white and unhappy. If you're happy together then fuck 'em. You won. Have a mixed race kid and tell 'em their race is "Bad M.F."

[@Uthandol]

@@yakamen I am so glad that your father taught you well. It is not always easy in the united states for Asian immigrants. But its getting better every day. It is sad, but it seems every group has had to endure racism when first coming to America. The Irish encountered it as well and they are the same skin color. As I said, the future is one race. One people. It will take a good while to get there. But if we do, what a wonderful thing it will be!

[@progressdaily100]

for me, it's kind of sad being asian american, you explained why well. i tell myself pretty much daily "you're not two halves of 2 cultures, you are completely both". but my subconscious feels a bit in limbo, 2 families that see me as a foreigner.

[@sleepyninjarin7971]

having really diverse friends helps make it obvious you are a perfect amount of both

[@Natzeit]

I'm half Asian and for a long time, I struggled with my identity not feeling enough for either culture. I always asked my parents to tell me all about their cultures so I could feel more a part of their communities but never felt enough. One time I talked to my mom (the Asian parent) about this and she told me that sometimes she doesn't feel Asian enough sometimes which is crazy because she lived in China for 40 years before immigrating. I thought if she doesn't feel Asian enough (a fully Chinese person who was born, raised, and lived there for a majority of her life) there's no way I'll ever feel Asian enough if I hold myself to others' standards. I still struggle with my identity a lot but it helps to remind myself that no one is asking me to be one way or another and that I just need to be Asian enough for myself. If I want to become immersed in Chinese culture then I can do that and if I don't, I don't have to do that.

[@dominicw4723]

I think its difficult with any family especially when you have language barriers. Adding more language barriers can make it even more challenging too. I also understand the culture of lies because growing up my mom had a Korean coworker and it was the age old comparing of children AND I WASN'T EVEN ASIAN! I'm hispanic! LOL

[@Evi19th]

I am half Norwegian and half Polish. When people ask me what I feel like being the most Norwegian or Polish. I tell them I feel too Polish to be a Norwegain, and too Norwegian to be Polish. It made me feel bad when I was younger. Today I don't want to be either Norwegian or Polish. I am just myself. It has never bothered me since. I have lived in many different countires all my life and stopped trying too hard to fit it. I do my best to adapt and fit in to which ever country and culture I am in. That is the best I can do. If that does not please people I don't really care anymore.

[@robertbenitez3647]

@@Natzeit you're half asian it's not that deep.

[@rachelz8100]

I've never seen this movie but this video alone made me cry, the cultural disconnect and the fear of losing a grandmother hit close to home. Thank you for this beautiful analysis

[@jazyjaz1317]

Me too! I'm so glad this video came on my reccomended page I really thought I was alone in feeling so disconnected with my family and constantly living in this dissonance

[@dennisthewalker]

guarantee to make you cry again when you watch :)

[@tmd_95]

Same. All the way down to crying. Goddamn.

[@kidzfromthebloc]

I've watched this twice and it always hits very close to home. So close.

[@christy7857]

Same. 😩 I want to watch it with my family now.

[@SniffyTugBoat]

I'm terrified of losing my mother's parents. I'm mixed, my mom is Native American, and neither of us are fluent in the languages my grandparents know. when they die, part of the language will die with them and I feel like time is running out to inherit their knowledge. Mvto for making this.

[@sweetjanexo]

I feel you so hard on this. I'm native too, and when it comes to school and career you end up so far from home, and for me being located in the south right now, I've never felt so far from home. There's literally nobody else like me here. It's extremely difficult to connect with your culture when you can't speak the language that has the culture literally ingrained in it

[@gabriellebertrand3054]

I’d recommend making recordings of your grandparents speaking their native language and do little translation projects. I doubt you are alone in wanting to preserve their knowledge. Maybe try to reach out to others whose older relatives also speak the same language so you can all work together to learn from them.

[@Udontkno7]

^ Record them, write everything down, so that when they're gone, you'll always have these words.

[@silverjuly9339]

This is my opinion but you don't need to feel obligated to do this. Just because media and community says its important, that does not mean you need to uphold it, if you are not interested.

[@DoomStarRequiem]

Then go learn the language.

[@SirLotzz]

As a chinese american, the scene where billie expressed how she felt when her grandpa passed away to his mom had me balling. I remember specifically when my parents didn't mention a word about my grandfather's illness until that week when he passed. I think they really nailed the dichotomy between eastern and western culture.

[@andrewcheng2852]

That's fucked up...

[@s.gabriel2853]

I am Swedish, but I grew up in Singapore and attended an American-based international school. I am definitely a third culture kid. My friends have always been people similar to me, kids growing up in another culture foreign to their own. Currently, I also have friends who are 'hidden immigrants'; they are American-born Chinese, but moved to Singapore later in life, where people assume they are Singaporean. They get recognized for being something they are not; I, on the other hand, who has spent most of my life in Singapore, will never be given any credit for my experiences. I will always be 'the foreigner'. While that is something I have come to accept as part of my life, it does not mean it's a painless reality.

[@simonem5890]

i relate greatly to you, being first generation filipino, who is also half white, and raised everywhere and anywhere. ive lived in many places, and each place i took something with me, adding little morsels of variance in my already odd culture. i live in america now, its difficult to feel like a belonging piece in my fathers family and even my mothers, whom i look and feel closer to. i watch this movie and bawled. i feel more belonging knowing that there are others like me, confused, feeling lost, but most of all whole. our pain may not be the same, but our pain rhymes.

[@kaidanalenko5222]

S gab you are sewdish embrace and celebrate it its good being Scandinavian. kaya m you are pagpaglander end 😂🤣

[@alenanela1743]

Hi there! I am Singaporean and I used to go to SAIS (did you go to SAS btw) but I didn’t live in Singapore until I was 8. I was definitely a ‘hidden immigrant’ in the countries I lived in though. The feelings you have are completely valid, and just remember that being a third culture kid is tough. However, you are officially multicultural and have a lot of life experiences.

[@Maya-sv1pz]

this is also a fact that I have come to accept. although with pain, that what I look like is and will always be part of my identity and determine my belongings. doesn't matter my local accent. I just do not look like the stereotype. it's not an easy thing to accept. being born into a family of dying language, dying matriachy and dying cuisine. all of which died with my grandmother because I inherited more of the society I grew up in....

[@xueueux]

Because the thought of "foreigners" integrate into Asian culture is foreign for a lot of Asians...because that is the common thing people see...it's very rare for white people coming to Asia and use their languages and cultures... But once you show you speak the language and has local demeanor usually, asians who know you definitely think you are part of the people...sorry but it's true...for whole my career working with British company in south east asia, I can only find 1 British who learn our local language and try to be more considerate with the locals...the rest? Just speak in English no matter how long they have stayed in here..

[@jazyjaz1317]

Hey man, I'm literally sobbing watching this video because I've had so many feelings like this of not feeling connected to my Chinese heritage and feeling super guilty because of it, and I hadn't even realized this was even a valid emotion or something that others went through as well.. This video was literally life changing and it feels so nice just to know that I'm not the only person experiencing this!! Thank you thank you thank you!! I love your videos!

[@QualityCulture]

I’m so glad this video resonated with you so deeply, there are definitely so many other people who feel the same way as you, you’re not alone in that experience. I’m grateful I could validate your feelings. Thanks for the nice comment, it means a lot! 😊

[@jazyjaz1317]

@@QualityCulture Keep doing what you're doing!! Sometimes your videos come up in my reccomended (I think the Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga ones) and I'm always always fascinated by what you bring up and really enjoy your videos! Been a subscriber for a while! Really hope you get more recognition, you totslly deserve it

[@QualityCulture]

Thanks! I really appreciate the kind words🙏🏻

[@nichole3283]

You know what hurts the most? Not being fluent enough, if not at all, in your grandparents’ native tongue. My grandparents from both sides of my family speak in dialect, and know very little of the common language, so I always had to rely on my parents to translate what they’re saying. It always breaks my heart when I had to resort to communicating in smiles and nods instead of actual words. Watching this video reminded me of how important my grandparents are in my life and made me want to start learning their dialect, even just to say ‘hi’ or ‘I love you’.

[@emilygarloff5373]

first time ive cried at a film essay ty :)

[@MultiEquations]

As someone who identifies as a Chinese-American, I resonated so much with this film. The scene where the mom asks Billie how many wantons she wants to eat and the mother says that is too few before settling on a number the mom thinks is adequate is a conversation I've had with my mother all my life.

[@SpicyAir]

I'm generation 1.5 Mexican-American (?). I came to the US as a 6 year old. It's hard to balance my very obvious US upbringing and my parents' way off thinking. The hardest thing to come to terms with, however, is realizing that my father's treatment of my mom and I might be the standard for a Mexican household, but in an American household, it's abuse. Growing up, I saw my uncles isolate my aunts and their children for others outside the family. So when I saw the same behavior from my dad, I thought it was just our culture, perfectly normal. But many college courses, therapy seasons, and deep conversions with my best friend, who is Latina and a counselor, I've come to see my father's behavior as abuse. But the hardest thing from this realization, is trying to figure out how I can still love my dad despite it all. My boyfriend is white, and when I tell him about the things I've had to go through, he gets angry. He tells me how I don't deserve to be treated like that. That makes me feel sad, angry, and confused. And when I talk to my friend, she kind of puts it into perspective. She too had to grow up in a Hispanic household while trying to be American. And of course, I feel extremely guilty whenever I think of all the sacrifices my parents have had to make for me. It feels like no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to live up to their expectations, real or imagined. I feel like I'll never be Mexican enough for my family, and never American enough for this country.

[@colestros997]

Damn..

[@SA2004YG]

Similar boat here. Lots of confusion and not knowing what to do with it

[@robertl5606]

Do whatever you want and just be yourself. The only true Americans are Native Americans, so as long as you have respect for the original people and others, that’s all that truly matters.

[@sousleciel2416]

Same here you're not alone

[@koalahammie3029]

Do NOT try to live to their standards.I realized the harder I tried to live up to their expectations it was never enough it will never be enough. You don't owe them anyting. They are the ones who owe you becuse they are the ones who brought you in this world it's their resposability, their JOB to set you for life you don't have to repay them for doing the minimum.

[@mlearts]

As a very Americanized Asian-American, I remember feeling really conflicted with the decisions the characters were making, but I feel like you very clearly articulated what I was having trouble grasping. Very well done, thank you!!

[@RogueVideoRaven]

The first time I saw this movie I was (ironically) on a plane to see my grandparents in Asia and was one of the rare times I’ve cried because of a movie. I won’t go into how it’s impacted me but as a first generation Asian American, it is one of the most important films to me. I don’t think I’ve seen an analysis for this film until now which is a damn shame so thank you for covering it. Edit: Fuck this video has me in tears

[@flyfantasy6565]

Commas are important)

[@sapphic.flower]

I’m a Vietnamese Canadian, I can’t speak or understand any Vietnamese though. I always kinda jokingly say “I’m a failure to my ethnicity” whenever anyone asks if I can speak Vietnamese or try to speak it to me. I haven’t even been to Vietnam since I was a baby. I only hear stories from my mom and it all just sounds so… foreign. I honestly take a lot of pride in my identity and how my parents were war refugees and my grand parents surviving imperialist Japan but I also feel so distant from it that it kinda just feels like an act..

[@aaronmontgomery2055]

How would you talk to your grandparents? I am Viet American and can't wrap my head around that. Did you move to a small town in Canada with no Viet people around? My parents immigrated and I understand you don't speak or understand but why not learn? Your pride is an act because you don't "know" what it is to be Vietnamese. We have 54 ethnic groups in Vietnam but the one thing that binds us and those overseas is the culture and language. I am not blaming you for not knowing but as you said it feels like your pride is an act because it is. Vietnamese is easier than Spanish and it doesn't take that long to learn. Put in true effort to learn, get to know more Vietnamese people, visit Vietnam (when its allowed), and you will feel better about your act as the language is also the history of our people.

[@legendredux1291]

no offense why did u not learned it then ? did u think its pointless and shit when u where young ? like some people I know here in canada cause I think its a pretty common thing with immigrant's children and its pretty sad

[@milkoowen6800]

@@legendredux1291 obviously it's not her own fault, languages are taught young by the parents.

[@ricenoodles632]

Imagine being half Korean born in China and knowing nothing about Korean culture. That's basically me, not saying my situation is worse but I literally didn't even know it was a choice I could make. I don't resent my dad for the lack of decision tho, never had, and never will. I can still relate to some people like me, such as famous Chinese people who are actually Korean yet not many people knows it. Outside of that, I can't name even one person I can relate to. I remember this chaozxianzu (Koreans from China) girl from my class and she was speaking to some South Korean visa student but switched to Chinese when she talked to me and I got super salty for no reason lol. I also remember back in 2009 when another girl asked me if I preferred Kpop or Jpop and I said Jpop, a few years later when I was caught up on hallyu I felt like I just betrayed korean jesus or something lol. But then I realized it's South Korean and not rly my people so who cares. And I still prefer Jpop anyways. I can also kind of relate to Awkwafina (but not rly) since she is ethnically half Chinese half Korean and identifies more with her Chinese dad's side (unfortunately not by will). I'm not familiar with Asian American culture fyi.

[@noonehere_kasut]

@@milkoowen6800 And it's not just parents - Even if they taught you the language, there's much less incentive to speak and retain it if you grow up in an environment where your peers speak a different language.

[@sortingoutmyclothes8131]

I'm not a U.S. American and I'm not an immigrant, but this really made me think. I'm from Argentina, a country heavily influenced by immigration, of which I am a result. My grandfather was born in Sofia, Bulgaria, and after he saw his hometown bombarded by the Allies, he moved to Germany, where he learned fluent German and became essentially fully germanized. People used to ask him what region of Germany he was from, his German was so good. But the war was still raging there, so he eventually applied for entry into Canada, Australia or Argentina, and Argentina answered first, so he moved there. There he met my grandmother in the German speaking community in Buenos Aires. His brother was married to a German woman and German culture was part of their every day life... in Argentina. He was a Bulgarian who was a German immigrant in Argentina. On the other hand you have my grandmother. She was not born in Germany, she was born in Paraguay, in a German speaking community. Her father was Swiss and her mother Austrian, and she spoke German at home and Guarani, an indigenous language spoken by most Paraguayans, with the kids from the neighborhood. She didn't learn Spanish until she started school. Her parents died when she was young, and she moved to Argentina, where she had family... in German speaking communities. Eventually she moved to Buenos Aires to look for work, where she frequented... the German speaking community. And that's where she met my grandad. I always think about their identities. What did they consider themselves to be. My grandfather went from country to country, taking bits and pieces but always ready to transform all over again, having a harder time each time the older he got. Eventually he was an honest to god mix of all of his experiences. My grandmother wasn't even born in the old country, but she carried that with her her entire life, never truly becoming of any land she was at, always connected to her heritage. At home, my dad and uncle were spoken to in German, not Bulgarian. They ate Fleishpflänzerlchen and danced around a Tenenbaum on Christmas. But interestingly, as my father started losing the language, they welcomed it fully. My father was more like my other grandfather in that way... My maternal grandfather was born in Argentina, but both his parents were Ukrainian Jews who separately came to Argentina. There are plenty of interesting stories of doubtful accuracy about their ordeal, but very little about what it meant for him to be the children of immigrants reached my ears. As far as I know he only spoke Spanish, and he married my grandmother, who was a devout catholic, so he couldn't have been hugely religious, having no qualms with his children being raised catholic as well. What was his relationship to his Ukrainian Jewish heritage? I don't know. I don't know if he spoke Yiddish or Russian at home. I don't know if he fought with his parents over religion or culture. All I know is that he was a good father to my mother. A good Argentinian father, in every way I know. My grandmother was a more traditional Argentine, her father was Italian, but that's extremely common in Argentina, and her mother was fully Argentine, with ancestors going back to the colonial era, and supposedly related to one of Argentina's founding fathers, Sarmiento. So when my grandmother met my grandfather, he just met another Argentinian man. I wonder what that was like for him. He died when I was three, so I'll never know. My father had a very similar experience. As a young child, he stood out because he was very blonde and German looking, in a neighborhood with no other German immigrants. He used to run around crying out for "Kartoffeln und Fleische! Kartoffeln und Fleische!" (meat and potatoes), which made the men working at home with his father building plastic trinkets laugh at him. He soon forgot all his German. He is one of the most Argentinian people I know, culturally, now. Both of his parents were okay with this. At the time, there was a false belief that bilingualism in childhood meant the kid wouldn't be able to speak either language properly. But I also think it's because they both knew how hard it was to be from elsewhere, to feel an other in your own home. They wished he would just grow up to be comfortable as a member of this new world of his. Even my grandma let it slide, with her love for all that is German. They were probably tired, and wanted a fully non-immigrant experience for my father, I don't know. I guess Aquafina's character shouldn't forget that what she thinks the U.S. is, and what makes it different from her background isn't fully what the U.S. really is, because the U.S. now has her, and lots of other Chinese Americans, changing the U.S. as she goes through it. I don't think I could conceive of what it means to be Argentinian without my ancestors' experience as a part of it. They came and felt the need to change themselves, but they couldn't help but change the place they came to as well. Billy will continue to live in the U.S., and although she may feel alienated from both sides, as she stays there, builds a life, and influences others around her, she is effectively contributing to turning the U.S. more like her. Other Americans without Chinese heritage will have aspects of what she brought to the table because she was there and was herself. Maybe she'll never feel like she truly belongs on either side, but she is unwittingly becoming part of what the U.S. needs in order for it to become something new, where her belonging is just part of the whole. As she loses her heritage, that loss isn't truly complete, because she is creating a new heritage in the U.S. that people after her will cherish and need the way she has cherished and needed her Chinese heritage. I mean, I can't relate to Bulgarian culture, I don't know anything about it. I can't truly say I'm Swiss or Austrian, I'm not really Jewish or Ukrainian... all I am is Argentinian. But I carry those stories with me. My heritage is in that struggle. What my forbearers went through stripped away the purity of their heritage, but that forced them to create something new, which is what they had to give to me, willingly or not, knowingly or not. IDK, just felt like commenting.

[@ydwang6726]

i thought i'd be safe from crying watching a video on the farewell and lets just say i was so wrong

[@NekoJesusPie]

This speaks to me a lot, and I’m really grateful you’re talking about this film. I’m an immigrant (we’re Mexican), my gramma is the person I love more than anybody on this earth, she’s very old and I haven’t seen her in 5 years. I can’t afford to see her more often, but I genuinely feel like the earth will suffer a loss when she’s gone, like all of humanity is losing her and nor I or the species will ever really recover. I could never express how much I love her. I was raised there though, and to me it feels like my my Mexican-nes is dying, like I’m slowly allowing it to become ill and weak from daily pressures and insecurities around assimilation. I wasn’t raised here, but I’ve “adapted” beyond a point where I’ll ever cease to be American, I left my family, my country has changed and outgrown me and is unrecognizable to me now. My grandmother reminds me of this. Despite being a brilliant, loving, incredible person, despite accomplishing amazing feats, she’s going to die poor, Foreigness feels like an incredible, beautiful, grandmother who loves me, and I’m just helplessly watching her die. I’ve never felt like first or second generation immigrant experiences are very different. You’re too close to America to see home anymore, but you’ll never reach America, you’ll never stop being foreign. (Though not being allowed to vote and losing everything to immigrants, that might be just me, but then again I didn’t have to experience racism as a 4 year old and grew up unquestionably loving my culture.) PS. You have no idea how appreciated you are for making content about foreign experiences. It is such an underrepresented and immense topic. When you start your patreon, I’ll be sure to be there.

[@QualityCulture]

Thanks so much for your comment, we’re definitely planning on touching on these themes more in future videos. And we can very much relate to feeling like your culture is slipping through your fingers, it's a struggle for sure especially when we can't experience our native culture as often as we like, it feels so distant. But regardless, you will always be Mexican, that part of you can never be truly lost and you can always carry it forward. I’m very sorry to hear you haven't seen your grandmother in so long, she sounds like a wonderful person. Call her every day and let her know she's loved!

[@NekoJesusPie]

@@QualityCulture thanks mate :) I was gonna go back to the old country last year, but got postponed. I’m determined to see her this year. Really looking forward to more content! Hope you guys are very proud of the work you’ve done!

[@user-hq3lh4qo1l]

I'm intrigued by your username. Any specific reason for it not being in neither spanish nor english ?

[@CutOffFilms]

2nd Gen Asian American here. This movie definitely hit home for me. I remember walking home from the theater with my wife, both of us still sobbing. I struggle to get a grip just thinking about the goodbye scene. Thank you for your thoughtful video.

[@Wingedmagician]

I’m Latino and I don’t know how to speak Spanish, I can understand it mostly but I can’t speak it. It is not a good time visiting family let me just put it that way.

[@QualityCulture]

Both of us on the channel (Stef is Latina) are bilingual but only so-so at our native languages 😅 so can definitely relate to how you feel in that regard, feels isolating at times

[@RachelScalfani]

Same, thankfully most of them can also speak English but still. There is a lot of tension resulting from my tia being "left behind".

[@gff5183]

Hi! Mexican here. I know how you feel. I know how to speak Spanish, but not so well, I talk slang or come up with words that are neither English or Spanish, making no sense. I’ve been made fun of for it and I struggle with this too. My American friends and even coworkers now, tease me. I work corporate and I mess up a lot when speaking. I forget words in both languages. It’s humiliating and alienating. I completely understand you and want you to know you are not alone. Gotta find people who let you find yourself.

[@Wingedmagician]

@@gff5183 worst part is that I resent them for it. I didn’t exactly feel motivated to learn Spanish when I’m shamed into it. I realize I should learn but not to stop family from calling me a gringo lol

[@Kenny-xx7je]

You shouldnt feel any lesser of yourself because of that. I'm a latino in the exact same situation as you are. I'm taking steps to learn more Spanish though. But you shouldn't let anyone tell you you're not latino enough. It is in your blood, whether your peers accept that or not. just go at it at your pace and don't let anyone put that type of weight on you.

[@animalmania2381]

I'm 100% British and I totally understand the idea of not telling someone they are dying in order make their limited time as happy as possible. I'm not saying if it's good or bad just that I get it

[@JonahNelson7]

Well yeah it totally makes sense, everyone understands. But I think most westerners would think the right to know what's happening in your body would outweigh any other benefits

[@thepinkestpigglet7529]

I dont get it tbh. If someone has a diagnosis of something that will kill them not yelling them isn't going to make their last days withering away anyless painful. They'll be miserable and scared no matter what you tell them about their diagnosis.

[@JonahNelson7]

@@thepinkestpigglet7529 true, it's not like they're totally normal and then oops just die one day

[@charminsi]

@@JonahNelson7 Well, I think it would be impossible to do this in most European countries and North American countries from what I know of their medical systems. Patient autonomy is codified into law so a doctor would have to tell the patient themselves their diagnosis unless they’re unconscious or of unsound mind.

[@NighttimeNubbs]

@@charminsi American here, with HIPAA and such normally restricted between Doctor/patient outside guardianship, children, and maybe caretakers AFAIK. What was jarring to me at first was that was even an option but ignorance is bliss so I can see why the family would want that option. *sidenote for HIPAA is essentially just medical providers can't leak personal or identitifying info without permission.

[@YukaAkemi]

I’m not going to lie, this video was very hard to get through, it took two viewings for me to finally finish as it really cut deep and hits way way too close to home for me. My grandparents live with me at home and have taken care of me since I was born. They immigrated here from China after my birth to help my parents take care of me and my older brother because my parents worked all day. Growing up, they were basically my parents, and my grandmother felt most like my mom, more than my real mother did. My grandma would cook for me, help me with homework, cleaned for me, guided me through life, and share her wisdom with me. I maintained my fluency in Chinese because they only spoke Chinese at home. I know she loves me unconditionally. But as I grow older I don’t feel as connected to them as I did when i was a child, and my fluency in Chinese is waning because I’m not speaking it everyday at home, I’m off in college. Your points of billy fearing the death of her grandparents being tied to the loss of her perceived connection to China and her culture hit so damn hard, I started tearing up. You put into words the deep rooted fear and sadness I‘ve held since I was a child, of fearing the loss of my grandparents and what that means to me. In my mind my grandparents are immortal, since I’ve never dealt with a major death in the family, I have never grieved and I have no way to cope. It makes me cry and deeply distressed to even think of their passing. When I was a kid, if the thought came into my mind, i would start crying. But as I grow older, their mortality becomes more real. My grandfather has been dealing with health problems and for the past few month, have has problems walking without crutches. I used to see him exercise and do tai chi in the backyard. Now, he mostly spend his day sitting in his room watching television. He does go out with my grandma to visit my cousin and his parents, but I can visibly see his health declining. Nothing has been more of a deeply triggering and distressing thought than the reality of their mortality to me. In my quiet moments, when I think about the subject, I can’t help but instantly tear up and get incredibly emotional like when I was a child. This video rang so deeply personal to me, and helped put into words the distress I feel and have carried my entire life about my grandparents and losing them is more than losing family, but a direct connection to my culture and roots. My grandparents are my pillars in life. How do you stay standing once those pillars are knocked down ?

[@Akursedtime]

It took me until adulthood to finally accept that I am me. As a Chinese descent born in Canada who can understand my parents Hakka but cannot speak it. At school in a dominantly Asian environment, I was the outsider. My thinking is too westernized to my classmates because I never held conservative values but I thoroughly enjoy the food, the culture and the celebrations of the Chinese. And now I can say with confidence, I am Chinese and I do not have to fit in just to be recognized. I believe we can love ourselves, for who we are and it doesn't make us any less than any other.

[@LittleChortle]

I'm a second-generation Asian American, and I lost my dad to stage 4 lung cancer a few months ago. I loved this movie when I saw in theatres, but revisiting it through your video essay/analysis helped me process some of the grief I've been holding in. Thank you for making me sob at 1 AM

[@evacouble2617]

Merci pour cette vidéo. Je suis franco vietnamienne, ma mère et sa famille sont arrivés en france quand elle avait tout juste 4 ans et ils ne parlent jamais de leur histoire. Les immigrés asiatiques sont très invisibilisés ici, et à 28 ans, je commence tout juste à identifier la part asiatique qui est en moi (bien qu'ayant souvent été identifiée par les autres comme etrangère, moquée ou discriminée, m'identifier comme asiatique me semblait impossible, ne sachant ni la langue ni l'histoire de ma famille, je ne faisais pas le rapprochement entre mon passing et mon sentiment de décalage). Les représentations d'immigrés asiatiques étant (très/trop) rares, j'ai eu en permanence l'impression d'être en marge, de ne jamais avoir su vraiment coller à un mode de communication 100% européenne, sans comprendre pourquoi. J'ai vraiment aimé que votre vidéo mette en perspective les deux différentes visions (de l'est et de l'ouest) sans en juger une meilleure. Pour en revenir au film en particulier, il m'a aussi permis de prendre du recul sur une anecdote personnelle, que je n'avais jamais identifiée comme issue de la culture vietnamienne de ma famille : Lorsque j'étais enfant, mon grand père a été hospitalisé suite à un avc, et ma famille m'a tout simplement écartée de son état de santé. De son entrée à l'hôpital à son décès 1 an plus tard, je ne l'ai pas revu. De fait, taire les souffrances, épargner les autres de ses problèmes, se montrer dans l'action discrète et non dans la parole ou les grands gestes, sont des choses qui me semblent être induites en moi de part cet environnement, et je sais que cela a pu créer des interférences dans pas mal de mes relations, beaucoup de personnes exigeant que l'on se comporte ou que l'on ressente les choses à leur façon pensant qu'il s'agit de la seule valable. (Est ce que ce serait pas de l'ethnocentrisme? Mais on dirait! Bref.) Encore merci pour votre analyse, qui parlera surement à tous ceux qui sont issus de plusieurs milieux et p.s. sorry j'ai écrit tout ça d'une traite en français (espérons que la traduction n'emportera pas tout nimporte où)

[@carla6485]

This video was so good. I love the structure of the analysis. Being mixed or growing up in a foreign country is tough and I like when ppl speak about these things without judging other cultures. This video explored delicate topics without attacking anyone and i thought it was great.

[@xx8140]

that feeling you described of losing a part of yourself and the fear of losing your culture... god that hit hard.

[@bbrbbr-on2gd]

As both indigenous (Diné)/Latino who can't really speak either language, I've accepted who I am mostly. Culture comes and goes, but it's the people that matter most. Also as someone who's lost multiple family members suddenly (at different times). It sucks not being able to actually say good-bye. But I understand why they would do this a lot better now.

[@flubag69]

I'm not an immigrant but being Asian I can still relate to this movie so much. I lost my nano 2 years ago to cancer, but the last time I saw her was in 2016 when she moved to Boston with my aunt. Before she passed away, my US visa got rejected so I couldn't go see her in her last months. The final farewell scene in this movie reminds me of the last time I met nani ama and it really breaks my heart. I cried watching this movie and then I cried again watching this brilliant video essay

[@DarkCarnivalsFool]

My mother immigrated form the Dominican Republic when she was a teen, and my father lived most of his childhood in Puerto Rico with his family. I've always felt this deep guilt because I can't speak any spanish. I find myself constantly beating myself up when my grandparents try to talk with me and I can't understand and need someones help to translate. It makes me worry that one day I will be without them and not know who they truly were, their life, their experiences, their advice. And I feel guilt knowing their is not much of my heritage I can pass on to my children one day...

[@sonicluffypucca96]

Same here. My father grew up in Guatemala and my mother Canada. Worst part I don't even look the part in most others' eyes so as if other can just dismiss it when that is equally sad

[@madisoncopeland3826]

Maybe you should try to learn some Spanish and learn more about your heritage so you can keep some aspects alive.

[@chrichri105]

I could not keep it together watching this movie in person. As a Caribbean-immigrant, I'm technically 1st gen but I came here so young and my grandmother never spoke about how she grew up. my family also didn't discuss it. I was literally with my grandmother mother everyday and I always spent summers with her. when she died, I literally felt a piece of me go with her. she was the matriarch, the biggest influence, but I only found out about her story after she died. It frustrated me that it took that long but she was a wonderful, powerful woman who never let anyone say I wasn't Caribbean enough. she was the main one always telling me to do what I want because that's why we were in America. I miss her everyday.

[@USERZ123XD]

okay, the word "nai nai" is the Chinese word for grandma that usually refers to the mother of your father side. while the mother of your mother side will be used a different word, for northerner it's usually "lao lao" while for southerner it might be "wai puo".

[@vexerioxie3040]

i use "a ma", which is less common i guess

[@fionadecanofeeyownaaah4676]

In the philippines, we call our mother "nanay" and father "tatay. Our grandma" lola, and grandpa "lolo"

[@manguanxu3612]

@@vexerioxie3040 that's definitely for 'nai nai' in Fujian or Taiwan

[@vexerioxie3040]

@@manguanxu3612 you got it man(or girl) , I'm form fujian

[@xueueux]

@@vexerioxie3040 a ma is very common for southerners...my a kong migrate to south east asia, and we call a ma for my "nai nai"..

[@gemgen101]

My mom was under the age of 1st grade when her family moved here. She looked “the most American” out of her siblings over time, according to others. She married a Caucasian guy -despite concern from her family, which subsided over time- and here I am, not feeling either to “fit in” to either side. She didn’t teach us the language. She’d be on the phone with my aunt or grandma, speaking Cantonese, and occasionally we’d hear our name. As kids, our aunts would give us words and then giggle/ laugh when we tried so we became scared to really try (I kept trying and remembered more than my siblings but still pulled back from shyness & fear. I’m the most into learning now than my siblings and still call relatives by their Asian name out of habit). Studies say 12 is the age when u start to have an identity or build it. My mom’s cancer got her when I was 12. I felt it was more important now to learn about my heritage now that she was gone (though she taught me “women” didn’t mean chest size or hair since cancer took those from her but “women” is strength and love). Bet she wanted us to grow, not to be “women”, but to just be the best “adults/people” we could. Grandma and aunts helped me with “heritage” (grandpa never spoke to us) , which is why I identify more with my mom’s side than my dad’s. Mom didn’t cook a ton of Asian food. Some dishes, but whatever recipes she had, we lost. She wanted/grew up American too hence split east and west recipes. Didn’t like when my American grandma made fun of my mom after something she didn’t understand, no matter how many Korean dramas she’d later watch. I guess the 1st nephew of mom’s family (my oldest cousin) and her bonded over being American AND Chinese because it was hard. Grandma didn’t speak English so our cousins grew up being translators, not telling us EVERYTHING she’d say. Spoke through translators more than to us but still have food to feed us that I learn just last year to make. Ahh the smells and memories coming back. She’d pass 3 years after my mom. If it wasn’t for my aunts (uncle’s wife included) still teaching me symbolism of food, I’d feel so lost. I have so much love and respect and , when I feel sad or “home sick” for my mom, I order (the way my mom would) OR make Asian food (taught myself). In fact, where I decided to go to college was based on my major AND which had more Asian food places near by, including markets. Food is the #1 thing that’s makes u homesick the fastest if you don’t have it, according to psychology. I cried while watching this video. Though I don’t look Asian, I still largely identify as Asian esp because my DNA of my mom’s/East Asian means I have the same allergies with alcohol, lactose, & same body size, & what I prefer/can tolerate to eat (never liked wheat & it never agreed with me, despite American doctor’s generic advice without my mom saying how HER body worked and how ours might work too. I eat more rice…. Ahh noodles …and dim sum!) . Being with Caucasian-American friends who just don’t get it and judge me (“why don’t you just…”) while I’m still confused without mom or matriarch tips, guidance, or advice or place to turn to when feeling shy or uncomfortable was hard. My ex fiancé’s best friend (s) even said I “wasn’t a real woman and wouldn’t make a good wife” , I guess because I didn’t fit “American enough” mold. Never found out what the criteria they were using was. It took them 4 years to stay “ I THINK she MIGHT be right about being allergic to alcohol” ignoring my reaction. I’d go to Asian parties and everyone would just get it and have methods to help or fix or hide it and parties were more about the community and fun rather than “getting drunk”. I’m more comfortable knowing who I am now from lots of past pain and experience because I’ve learned limits, boundaries, what works for me and makes me happy, & being comfortable being truly myself. I remember the asian hate during pandemic. I had remarked, despite not looking “Asian” that I would’ve gladly stood in front of any of my Asian family (not just MY family but ASIAN as my family, since we’re ALL a community and I really believed “we were ALL in this together”) and take the slap for them- slap, punch, spit. I broke down crying though knowing it was never going to be enough because there were so many out there and people were still targeted over appearance. We mix into America but we don’t because our roots have reason, meaning, and source of who we are, just it’s thrown out for others’ in educated bias from lack of media representation and thus actual information to combat fear is limited. So much stereotyping in cinema that it never educated the masses toward respect. Oh yeah, My major was film . It’s just as hard finding a place , esp when we’ve only RECENTLY had more identity in media so we can see ourselves on screen and not feel so alone. All that to say, I love your video’s end about sources to get help. I couldn’t physically stand up for my relatives who weren’t living near me during lock-down as they had when we got together and it hurt that I couldn’t be a community back. But I’ve never been silent since researching death customs and ideas from around the world since age 12. More people should understand East and West. Being a middle kid in birth order too, it’s about learning BOTH sides and walking both, seeing WHY and HOW things are the way they are but ultimately walking back to the center and finding what identity IS who you want to be and , like nai nai said, HOW you do it. It’s so easy for me to choose respect now over “whose right”. There’s never right or wrong, good or bad. Just different. Based off the land and location that yields different crops, we all do the best we can with what’s given to us. Without exploring other sides, our plates lack variety of life; plates would become bland since we can’t add spice of life (different spices coming from different parts of the world). We should date toVenture out, try new things, get curious and learn by exploring. Then you’ll know more of who you are and why you are the way you are but knowing where your roots are means you respect who you decide to be in the end. I know that’was LONG like a chapter book but if it helped even 1 person , it did its job. Hope it helped! Sending love!

[@criticalthinkingconcubus]

My mom grew up in a very neglectful household. Her mom was always out partying, and her dad was always working and drinking. She was also the oldest of 5 siblings, so she always had to spend her free time taking care of everyone. The only people who helped her were her aunt (my great) and grandmother (my great grandmother). They taught my mom how to cook, how to ride a bike, gave her history lessons on black musicians, gave her money for new clothes, and were the only ones who motivated her to study hard to get into a good college and move on from the family. When my great-grandmother died of diabetes, and my great aunt had pancreatic cancer, my mom felt like significant parts of her were gone forever. She was the closest to them out of everyone in her family. To this day, she still laments on how much she wished I could’ve met them and how much they would’ve loved me. However, she never forgot the lessons they taught her. Even though I never knew either of them, the way she tells stories about them makes me feel as if I did. She even imparts some of their wisdom onto me, thus carrying on their legacies. This is what people mean when they say just because someone is dead doesn’t mean they’re gone.

[@braynaguilar8567]

I relate to this even though I'm neither Asian nor American. I'm ethnically latino but have lived in Australia most of my life. I feel that, especially compared to when I was younger, I identify less and less with my latino roots. My control of Spanish has stagnated, and my connection to El Salvador is next to nothing; my parents do not take well to this because, like most first generation immigrants, they still hold their original culture above that of what should be their "new" culture. My parents still, after decades in Australia, speak with an outsiders voice about other Australians and do not seem themselves as Australian. On the contrary, I can only see myself as Australian because that is all I have; I may say I'm latino, but, ultimately, only ethnically. Funnily enough, the people that least accept me as Australian are my parents; they refuse to see me as Australian.Ultimately, it's such a strange limbo stage I feel I'm in. It's like neither side of you in wholly part of either culture.

[@barkspasenine]

Two years ago I visited El Salvador although it was one of the last places in the world I wanted to be up until the day I arrived. But the experience wound up changing me and my life in a very positive way. In spite of the struggles and the hardships there, the people that I met were so wonderful and taught me a lot. And of course, the nature is beautiful as well. I wish you and your family all the best, including any of your relatives that still live in El Salvador.

[@cim888]

Films like these should be played in every school room. It may be a confronting to kids of Asian heritage but it helps them understands their own sense of belonging which I've noticed is really common problem recently. It would also help Caucasian kids understand their counterparts in Asian heritage's struggles and tribulations of being "Asian"

[@johnvictorfs8194]

No matter what everyone is American. I come from an immigrant background from Europe and I was raised in this country. So I’ve basically grew up with two backgrounds. Thank goodness I haven’t lost my mother’s tongue and still retain my heritage. I just hope no one loses it. It’s tough sometimes balancing both but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think this is what makes America a unique place we come from anywhere and build our life here sharing and meeting people of different backgrounds, ethnicities, color, customs, culture, and so on and so forth but we never forget who we are.

[@williampan29]

If you reinforce their sense of belonging to China, you will inevitably reduce their sense of belonging in the US. Because love is subjective. We love our wife/husband more than random men and women. We spend more time with strangers will make us love wife/husband less. Supposed a war between China and the US break out, and some Chinese American defect to China or act as their spy due to your policy, are you going to take such responsibility? Such is the dilemma of globalism.

[@cim888]

@@williampan29 Biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard. Comments like yours are why many people born of Asian heritage are ashamed to look the way they look, ashamed to learn their own ancestors languages and cultures. Shame on you, shame shame shame.

[@williampan29]

@@cim888 instead of shame, I think insecure is more appropriate. And that insecurity comes from American government not taking care of them properly. Hell, they aren't even taking care of white people, as shown at the current great resignation wave and pandemic deaths in thr country.

[@nbucwa6621]

@@williampan29 Your analogy of spouse vs a stranger is flawed. For those disconnected from one side of their heritage, it may be so but for the majority who are balancing two culticures it's more like being a parent of two children. You may like one more than the other sometimes, you may have things you appreciate about one and find difficult abt the other but if someone were to come up to you and suggest you choose who you love more, it would be a ridiculous question.

[@halloweenallyearround4889]

My grandma passed in a way that seemed very sudden to me. And realistically her disease took her in less than two months. My family didn't say how ill she was. They didn't even say she was ill until right before she died. My sis dropped by to say that she had passed and that was it. At first I was excited that she had come to visit. I hadn't seen my gran or anyone due to being sent away to live with my dad during those specific months. It took me years to actually process the pain and the fact that she was gone. Maybe I haven't truly mourned her. She had raised me almost up until the point in which I was sent to live with my dad. I was in shock at her funeral. It seemed so unreal. The cousins around my age and myself were in a weird anxious mood and without knowing WTH was happening. Adults kept scolding us for "not looking sad enough". And to this day my mother calls me heartless for not reacting like I was expected to at her funeral. Looking back it doesn't seem like my cousins' parents disclosed the severity of her condition either. Or in time. Although I do get what you mean about protecting our loved ones with white lies so they don't have to carry a burden, it still angers me that my parents and much older sister withheld such important information. If I had known I wouldn't have been okay with being away from her. I don't know if she thought I didn't wanna be there. Or if they told her they wanted me away. Were they kind to her? Was she mostly distressed? My mother has told me that she was worried and felt guilty about "leaving everyone to deal with my (abusive) grandpa". Was my grandpa his verbally and emotionally abusive self towards her during her last months and weeks? Did anyone protect her from him? How none of her adult children took her to live with them/ us once they lived independently is beyond me. Did she eventually got some peace of mind? Did she realise it wasn't her fault that she stayed married to him? Was she in pain? Was she depressed? Was she taking meds that alleviated her pain? Edited to add: Then on my dad's side, I feel dishonest to claim my heritage because I don't speak the Languages of my ancestors. I wasn't raised within their cultures (my dad is estranged from his family and he was an absent dad due to mental illness. I've only met a couple of his family members). And I didn't grow up in their communities. I only look Native American. It feels like I have to constantly convince myself that I'm not appropriating my own culture by embracing it. I'm very sorry to read about your experience. You're not alone.

[@nbucwa6621]

I haven't watched this movie, I'm not Asian and I'm not an immigrant or a child of one but, let me tell you, I was sobbing so hard by the end of this video. As a poc straddling two cultures (western and native), as someone who's disconnected from their native tongue and certain aspects of my culture, as someone who is still processing the grief of losing one parent and is constantly anxious about losing the other and what that would mean in terms of connection with my culture . . .just everything about your essay resonated with me. Amazing analysis. Now I'm off to buy a box of tissues so I can actually watch this gem of a movie.

[@andreww5602]

I think this is the 1st time I've commented on a YT vid ever but I had to commend you for how well you unpacked the layered emotions that many immigrants felt while watching this movie. Especially in the final section when you discussed the complex grief of not only losing your grandmother, but also losing the last strong link to your heritage, and emotional anchor for nonjudgemental support that many immigrants don't have in their new countries, that hit really hard. Finding ways to maintain your heritage is so hard, and thinking about my "family responsibility" to pass that on in the future is daunting and evokes further guilt. Would love to see you do an essay on Minari, as it's kind of an inversion of the Farewell, about forging new identities instead of reconnecting to heritage. I think the strongest characterization in Minari also lies with grandmother, Soonja, and her willing but unspoken sacrifice to maintain her family's future and stability. Subbed!

[@casval9407]

I am sitting at my grandmother's house and I notice this video essay hanging on the side as something that may be interesting to watch. I make a new tab and decide I will come back later. I soak up all the stories, the jokes, the support of my grandmother throughout the day. Learning about our past whenever there's a moment. As if every year I visit, I get one or two more puzzle pieces for my family's story mosaic. It's later, I give this video a play. Before I knew it, I was uncontrollably sobbing. The ugly kind of way. The experiences shared between the video essay and comment section have echoed everything that has been swelling within my heart and mind. Mi abuela truly is a pillar of my Cuban family, and the idea of losing her one day makes me ache. As a 3rd generation immigrant, you feel that disconnect ever more profoundly. Thank you for this incredible video essay.

[@fhincey]

I relate to this story so much! I'm not Asian American but I'm the child of Bosnian and Hercegovian immigrants in Germany and this is exactly how I feel. I also have such a strong bond with my Grandparents and I go see them whenever I can. I could cry any moment thinking about how little time there could be left but I'm so grateful that they're still here.

[@DJBobbyHill]

I find a lot of folks have already typed out the sentiments I wanted to type but I also feel it bears repeating. This is an incredible essay and very eloquently vocalizes a uniquely American perspective that isn't often represented. I cried and I thought a lot more about heritage than I had in a while. Thank you kindly.

[@lucashiroshi]

I never realized how far from my roots I got after my grandma died until this last new year. I live in Brazil but I'm not a Brazilian nor am I treated like one, but after seeing my Japanese half of the family I realized that I'm also not Japanese. My grandma was the link between the Japanese culture and me, without her I just grow farther and farther away...

[@user-hu6ry9oq1e]

Watching this essay after losing my grandmother 😭 we watched the film together originally, never foreseeing her sudden death , her last moments was cooking dinner for the family, making this all the more poignant

[@malenavalentina7325]

Dude what the actual fuck , I was like "Oh, this video looks really interesintg" and I was loving the analysis, and now I cant stop crying. This is SO SO SO good, the social and cultural implication of this movie and the way you explain it , not to mention the emotional too, incredible. I really dont know how to explain it or say it but this video its amazing, congrats.

[@highclass_lady]

This was absolutely beautiful. As a fellow Asian American so much about what you said in regards to identity resonated with me. You explained some very complex & nuance dynamics very meangingfully

[@essa5248]

cymry(welsh)-american; I've been struggling with this alot recently & this video really hit all the pressure points. I never realized how difficult it's been from the loss of my mamgu to not having family outside of my mom in the states, with the loosing grip on my culture, my language.... its been hard. Although we don't share the same culture completely. Hearing stories of other first-gen experiences reassurances me that I'm not experiencing this alone. Thanks so much for taking the time to write this essay

[@kevinandrade4284]

I saw this movie a while ago and loved it. I'm from an immigrant family myself but one point you brought up did not touch me until now. The point of Billie's grandmother being the only one who accepts her efforts to bridge her two cultures wholeheartedly. I didn't realize how powerful it was until last month when I went to Portugal for the first time in 20 years. My Tia Mena was the only one who appeared willing to listen to my perspective on things and at least validate them. This review made me cry at that segment because it all just clicked for me then. Thank you for that.

[@YowaneHakuu]

'immesasurable wisdom and warmth' -says as the Coco grandma slaps a mariachi with a sandal. Timing just is ironically funny. Really nice video

[@QualityCulture]

Yeah that was purposeful 😂 glad you caught that. And thank you!

[@krisstarr1129]

Six months ago i had to deal with this very situation. My grandma was in the hospital and at the end of her life and the doctors gave us two options, to take her off life support or to keep her on knowing not knowing how much longer she would live or how much pain she would be in. Everyone in my family except for me and my brother (who are both Canadian born and mixed-race) believed they shouldn’t tell her and just keep her on life support as long as they could. Unlike Billie in this story though, i did tell her in my broken hindi that she didn’t have much time left and we were going to stay by her side. It gave me a peace of mind but im still not sure if it was the right decision because even afterwards she clung unto the hope that she might survive. Unlike how Billie realized her culture would always be part of her, going through this I realized I would never truly belong to the asian community. I have different values, a different mindset and ultimately a whole different culture.

[@maytalacedo20]

it feels real when you realized you feel a disconnect from your heritage this movie is so brilliant, I can relate to that well in my family.

[@Asummersdaydreamer14]

Thank you for making a video about this movie even though it might not be a topic that gets a lot of views. Even if you cannot relate to being culturally adrift/distant, treasuring the ones you love while you can must be a universal feeling.

[@sanjanar110]

I remember seeing this movie and feeling seen. I’m not East Asian, but collectivism is something that’s present in my culture too and it’s such a good portrayal of first-generation American children. Love this analysis and love this movie

[@linda-gx4ur]

listening to you explaining billi's point of view and feelings made me cry, cause it's very similar to how i feel in my life being a immigrant's daughter. having you validating her way of thinking made me feel so happy and accepted. thank you so much

[@robcatacutan6132]

The goodbye scene absolutely shattered me. Years of repressed homesickness all came out in that scene

[@userc-]

as a second generation/mixed person, the farewell lit up my memories of childhood in all the ways i never thought would be possible. especially in the goodbye scene..... my grandmother would tap on the windows of our car every time we left after visiting her. this essay is beautiful :,)

[@bloopboop8366]

This video made me cry, and it makes me want to watch this movie and sob to it. Although I can’t relate to being Asian American and feeling that sense of disconnect, I do understand the loss of a grandparent. All of my grandparents were dead by the time I had turned 17, and the pain I feel doesn’t really stem from having lost them at such a young age, it’s the fact that I didn’t have a connection with any of them. My maternal grandmother died before I was even born, my maternal grandfather died when I was about 10, and I lost both of my paternal grandparents during the pandemic, so I wasn’t even able to attend their funerals. The reason why I didn’t have a connection with of my grandparents is because of my parent’s divorce. And it hurts that I couldn’t have the opportunity to have relationships that seem so integral to everyone else in the world but myself, and it wasn’t even my fault. This video is amazingly well done and helped me gain insight into the Asian American struggle, inter-generational issues, and dealing with grief and the loss of a grandparent that I wasn’t able to properly do myself. Thank you.

[@amarylily]

MAN i was NOT expecting to cry midway through this but it all just hits SO hard Such an incredibly well-done analysis!!! I really love the topics being addressed here!

[@bettyreads222]

what a great video essay. def teared up at the end of the movie while watching it and even the clips you included here. this movie does such a good job of showing that bond with your grandparents. i really enjoyed the push back by the parents, well her mom, in that dinner scene because it was showing the hypocrisy of what the other family member was saying and then judging folks by. oh gosh the otherness of being seen as american when you go to your parents' country is so real and also feeling like i am still, in my case Dominican but the othering and just not understanding that you can claim both like yes i'm american and dominican and having to grapple with those differing value systems and create my own.

[@Nuffsaid22]

Descendants of immigrants have a good reason for not knowing their culture; they grew up in a different community. There's also becoming a foreigner to your own culture despite growing up surrounded by it. Both groups of people deal with a difficult type of isolation. This video is very compelling. Can't wait to watch the movie.

[@sharptongue2972]

I remember my Turkish friend in Germany telling me how he is in a perpetual limbo, feeling like he's neither German nor Turkish. It struck a chord with me.

[@kaneko7501]

i cried this entire movie, it hits so close to home. it’s such a beautiful film, perfect from the script, the photography and direction. nai nai reminds me so much of my own grandma who passed away when i was very young. i wonder how different my life would have been if i she was still alive today, how many things i didn’t have the chance to ask her and the many lessons i could have learnt from her and her migrant story. she was my closest connection to my japanese heritage, a heritage that for a long time i was ashamed for and now regret pushing away. when i lost her, i lost so much of my own identity too. this film touched me deeply and helped me heal the guilt i’ve always felt for not knowing better when i was younger, and falling into western ideas of who i should be. i love how you explained every point in this video, word for word is exactly what i thought while watching the movie, so thank you for that. i just loved this film so much!

[@israellepierce9404]

Thank you for this. It's so nice to hear other 2nd gen Asian Americans share similar stories about feeling out of place in both countries. The struggle between multiple cultures is so difficult to go through and it's comforting to know that there are others who understand.

[@Squirrelanditsnutz]

My dads an immigrant. But, because he’s Ore Mountain German, I never felt too out of the loop to his culture, I struggle more with me being Inupiaq Eskimo on my moms side. But I am trying to connect, that’s why I’m trying to learn the Malimiut dialect of Inupiaq because that’s my families local dialect of Inupiaq.

[@gavingutierrez963]

I never got to meet my grandma on my dads side and I was always planning to visit her when I was older and learn more about that side of my heritage. She died last year of covid and not only realizing I’d never be able to have a conversation with my grandma I also had the thought that I was cut off from that part of me.

[@jonathonlawver9537]

Please don't stop making videos! I could watch these all day!

[@emanon-]

Your essay is so well put together, this is one of my favorite movies and you’ve done justice. I watched this movie when it came out, it was also the time my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer too. I didn’t grow up with grandparents but being the youngest child, he’s always been old and a grandfather all my life. Since his diagnosis, it feels like I’ve been grieving so much not only losing him or cultural connections. But also falling short of expectations because of his mortality. I used to have a lot of guilt for not achieving as much as I could. I now just want him to know that I’ll be okay on my own in the end.

[@matthieuss]

I’ve cried because of this movie so many times, and I cried because of this video. Thank you for articulating everything that this movie made me feel

[@QualityCulture]

Glad we can cry together ❤️

[@entranced9461]

although not asian American, I am a 2nd gen migrant and I've always felt so disconnected from my family's culture - embarrassed that I couldn't speak the language, that I didn't understand how to do certain traditions etc. I can honestly say I have never cried more when watching a film because I've never felt so understood in my life

[@kaitlyncox8072]

Not going to lie watching this made me cry. I just lost my great grandmother two days ago and seeing this made me think of the connections to her and my own family. Good video, one I needed...Thank you.

[@onlyonGraceXM]

Oh, I knew this video would make me cry cuz I cried nonstop from start to finish when I watched the movie in theaters. I'm half-Chinese, half-Irish and I felt this movie not only connected greatly to how I feel about my Chinese side, but also my Irish side as well. My father's parents immigrated to America from Ireland after WWI. From the opening, I realized how not only did my Chinese family hold things back for the sake of social harmony, but also my Irish family as well especially as my paternal grandmother's illness got worse. I realized how much losing her would feel like losing a connection to a part of my culture. Eventually, I grew to realize that my cultures, all of them, the Chinese, the Irish, and the American, will always be a part of me. Okay, before I write an essay, I'm gonna try not to cry (and probably fail), thank you so much for this video!

[@SonoraMochi]

I have never felt more understood and "explained" than after watching this video. It felt like I was in a therapy session if that makes any sense. I am an immigrant myself and have experienced similar occurrences in my family. I will definitely watch this movie and probably cry my heart out too.

[@00HoODBoy]

the last segment is just pure beauty. i gained a new perspective not onkly on this film, but also on myself and this whole inner conflict. such a well directed, acted and written movie

[@klu222]

I am second generation Japanese and my husband is first from Korea, and one of the thing that bonds us together is the "in betweenness" that we walk through in life. We're also both mixed which adds a layer of complexity, and we find strength from on another.

[@badateverything5392]

My parents aren't Asian, but they both came from nothing and had to climb up the ranks of social class. My mother is also from a different country. Growing up, there were expectations, my failures were theirs and an education was the only thing that would save me from being stuck in my home town and not having any other options but marriage and children (not for me for a while, fortunately). Through all of this, my mother didn't mind what I did as long as I had a plan and my father wanted me to go into a VERY specific career. My grandparents were my tutors and they helped me through school. When I was seventeen I blew up at my granddad (the worst thing I have ever done in my life) because he happened to ask me what I was going to do in six months (when school was over), after I had been grilled about it for months by my father. My grandma, a creative woman who graduated in her late sixties with a first-class degree in art, told me that they (her and granddad) were worried about me... not disappointed, not angry, not frustrated, worried. She told me to take a year and work out what I wanted, what I really wanted, and go for that, not what anyone else wanted me to do. A year later I started university, four years later I started graduate school, I just started my PhD. I called grandma and grandad to tell them that I got into my first choice university and granddad answered, he is so proud. He gave the phone to grandma, she said that it was "wonderful news," I heard her lower the phone slightly and ask granddad "who is she?" My grandma, one of two people who actively encouraged me to pursue what I cared about, can't remember who I am. This video essay hit me hard in the first half and nearly had me in tears for the last segment.

[@Eyejine]

These videos are so well done, I hope more people find this channel.

[@JiixBooks]

This movie truly holds such a special place in my heart. I'm not Asian American, but I'm North African-German and 2.Gen so I could relate to a lot in the story too. Wonderful video essay!

[@cherrygloombae]

im not asian, but as an eastern european immigrant person this also deeply connected with me. when i was around 5, one of my relatives also had lung cancer, and she decided not to tell anyone other than her immediate family until it was too late. it was so confusing to me, why didnt she tell anyone? but it seemed like everyone ignored this. now that im getting older and moved away from my home country, i have to do the same thing constantly. i regularly video call with my grandparents, and most of our conversations is just us lying to each other, and we just accept it. its bizzare, but my mom explained that its supposed to be a time to make them happy, not to tell them the truth. its a but sad though, ill never be truly connected with them and neither will they be connected with me, but at least im keeping them happy? i still havent come to terms with this honestly.

[@zoewang13]

One of the best films I have ever watched. This experience was so specific to Lulu Wang but it really struck a chord in me and I cried uncontrollably throughout the movie.

[@colleennewholy9026]

As someone Native American (Lakota, grew up on my mother's Reservation. Among my maternal culture; The Omaha's), I really appreciate hearing about the struggles immigrants go through In a juxtaposition, lot of Native Americans "feel like foreigners in our own ancestral countries", because of how pervasive, and influential "American" culture is. I'm a second generation (via my father), OUT of Rez child, while ironically. My mother is a first generation ON the Rez child. I grew up speaking my ancestral languages, and learning ancestral customs and kinship terms KoNha (pronounced GOH-Hah) is a generalized term from grandma, but I never called her such. She was offended by me saying that 🤣 Ina/Inoha is my mom and aunt, Leksi are my mother's brothers/my maternal uncle's, Ate/DateHoN is my father, but also my dad's brothers/my paternal uncles. But then I moved off Rez, and the whole world seemed different. I've met cousins, nieces and nephews and grandchildren (grand-nieces and nephews I guess????) Who know their Lakota/Omaha/Ponca, but don't speak the language They don't practice the spirituality I grew up with They don't eat the wild plants, mushrooms and berries I've grown up eating They drink, they smoke, some do drugs, others are christian And it felt so alien, for a long time But now, when I go back to the Reservation. I'm the foreigner. I'm the "City Indian", even though I know everyone's secrets, like they know mine. It just hits me everytime. When I listen to immigrant stories. Especially 2nd, and third generation children

[@jadevanvoss2399]

I identify with this so much.. thank you for shining much needed light on the constant juggling of two distinct and often opposite ways of living/thinking.

[@ohweezuschrist]

I watched this movie in theatres with friends that chose it and I had no idea this movie even existed. It is one of my favorite movies and I have been dying to have more people talk about it and better yet, a video dissecting it. This movie is so beautiful and enjoyable and I can’t thank you enough for sharing this video with such great thoughts about the film.

[@shaniya9779]

Thank you for this video. You beautifully put what I have been thinking for so long into words. I’m half Canadian, half Chinese, and I feel guilty for “not being Asian enough” all the time. I tend to ask people whether or not they can tell I’m part Chinese because deep down, I am insecure about that aspect of my life being unrecognizable to other people and, subsequently, myself.

[@Orphanmaker666]

3rd gen Korean American here and this video just tugged on my heart strings, I guess this was recommended to me at the right time as My grandma is currently in the hospital and it got me thinking that without her I have no link to my heritage or where my family came from.

[@NicNac723]

What a fantastic video essay! I'm so glad there seems to be so many more asian video essayists just as there are more asian american directors, immigrants are fundamental to life in America and without their prospective we are missing a valuable piece of our country :)

[@Rexmorgan687]

I do not know why your video came up on my feed but you essay alone resonated with the struggles my brothers and I had growing up the children of west African immigrants. They too are very Eastern oriented; tribe/clan health > individual and the cultural clashes that develop as a child growing up immersed in both. I'm adding this movie to my watch list!

[@vukemi]

I am from bosnia 2nd gen immigrant and this explained fully how i feel and my connection to my grandmother who i lost to corona, and last monday counted the 2nd year of her death.This made me cry! Thanks for explaining how i feel so well.. beautiful video

[@lizoney]

Thank you for making this, and turning me on to this story. This story is something that I identify with as the daughter of an immigrant, my relationship with that culture, and my relationship with own maternal grandmother and losing her. When I was a teenager and she died it felt like a door to my heritage closed. Also that feeling of being caught between two cultures and not feeling like you are fully accepted by either at times.

[@chineselovefreedom]

好棒的分析。“卡在中间”，是最难受的感觉了吧。泪目。😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@AraneaPush]

I was very familiar with this story from listening to the This American Life episode multiple times - But I absolutely loved this analysis video which approached the story from a different angle. I loved it so much - I can wait to see more!

[@meldyu6579]

I don't comment at all, but your video was really deep. I had tears in my eyes most of the time. It's really well done and thoughtful and in my mind you hit all the right notes. Good job man. Keep it up.

[@QualityCulture]

Thanks so much! It was a lot of work, but comments like yours make it worthwhile

[@bc8796]

I'm only 12 seconds into the video and I already know I'm going to cry. This movie came out shortly after my grandmother passed away and thankfully enough I work at a movie theater so when we watched it it was just me and my coworkers and I wasn't ugly crying around a bunch of randoms lol. But I loved it. And I think it was something I really needed at the time

[@heyhaveyoueatenx]

Thank you for making this video. I'm a second-generation (multiracial) Chinese-Canadian and saw The Farewell in a theater with a friend, not too long after my pohpoh was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I enjoyed the movie (and worked hard to try and strengthen and preserve a cultural tie by taking care of her until the end), but your analysis of the movie gave this a much deeper resonance for me than the initial viewing did. I often speak and write about diasporic angst/grief, but the way you discuss the nuance of being caught between cultures and generations, on being Asian Enough etc (here and in the Crazy Rich Asians video) helped articulate a few things that I had observed in the films but not quite put into words yet. Thank you.

[@brishtimajumder723]

It's been about a year since I lost my grandma, Even though we grew a bit apart in the last few years I still talked to her on the phone very often. I remember as a child I used to visit her in my grandparent's house, it always felt like a place where I was loved for all of myself. I remember she used to take care of my hair and cook me some really delicious food, we used to talk until late in the night and she told me so many of her childhood stories. when she passed away I didn't really cry, I was just a bit struck that she was completely gone and it was so sudden I maybe couldn't even believe it then. This video reminded me of her so much and I was crying almost halfway through the video. Now in my life when I'm so busy, thinking of her brings back those beautiful memories and a part of me becomes alive in my own beautiful culture.

[@shiv.seeking]

Well done video essay, thanks buddy for the time and quality

[@Ezinma88]

Not sure what suddenly got me thinking about this film again. But, I really do love it. A performance you wouldn't expect given Awkwafina's back catalogue of work. But, so much of her inner turmoil is written across her face in silent moments. Thank you for this video, it's a nice, relatively quick way to relive key themes and moments.

[@angelaross9028]

Soo touched by this video, makes me cry a lot. I feel very related because I'm VERY close with my grandma, she is a big part of my childhood, very caring and super nice lady. Love her so much, feel guilty sometimes because I cant keep her company as much I should(I work and live in a faraway city) She is over 80 years old, I hope she can have a heathy and happy life!

[@eclairlu7586]

Thank you for validating my emotions. It also made me realize that my grandma did see the best in me. And that I did also fear losing the only bridge to my culture too T^T

[@Marisolita06]

I have been meaning to watch this film and somehow never got around doing and after watching your video I don't think I will be able to do so. As a Hispanic immigrant who moved to the U.S when I was only 9 I can relate to absolutely everything in the movie/your video, specially and most importantly loosing my beloved grandfather in my home country whom my family and I had to pretend like nothing was happening as he was slowly dying. Your video reminded me of those hard days preparing us to learn to live without him and knowing that a big part of my connection with my country was lost with him. This video definitely hit something. Thank you for your beautiful essay truly amazing!

[@stephaniejimenez7876]

What an amazing way to present this subject, I absolutely loved it....Cheers from Honduras