Scapegoat, Golden Child + More: How To Identify + Heal From Narc Family Roles

[@stars_for_night_lights]

The thing that's hardest for me to get past, is that the one person - your mother, that is supposed to love you unconditionally and wholeheartedly, just doesn't love you at all...

[@terri_cole]

I"m witnessing you with compassion. I hear you and I hear your pain.

[@stars_for_night_lights]

@@terri_cole ✨💛✨ Thank you!

[@samieelfit5165]

very relatable. i hope it gets better

[@blake5318]

It is.... I literally mourned the loss of having a normal relationship with her. The way she deliberately tried to destroy me as a person is sickening... I've just started writing everything down and it's really helped for many reasons

[@ZoegirlBev]

Yesssss

[@Beat909]

The worst thing is not being able to express yourself and be heard.

[@terri_cole]

I hear you and I'm holding space for you.

[@jamalcarlos9780]

I guess I'm kinda randomly asking but does anyone know a good website to stream newly released series online?

[@reedjose7624]

@Jamal Carlos flixportal

[@jamalcarlos9780]

@Reed Jose Thanks, I went there and it seems like a nice service :D I appreciate it !!

[@reedjose7624]

@Jamal Carlos No problem =)

[@vickilynn9514]

There is also the Lost Child - the one who falls through the cracks and learns to auto-accommodate and disappear from their own lives. Just as devastating

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for the addition!

[@RosieWilliamOlivia]

One of my sister's was the lost child and when I left she became the scapegoat. I didn't know until we were adults. I still feel awful now for leaving her, the most gentle of us all, to be the next in line for the abuse.

[@BoysAreSmellyo]

My brother is the golden child narcissist. I was empath scapegoat that suffered most. My mom is the enabler. It's amazing how these titles can transfer to any narcissistic network. Thank God for Terri Cole for helping me heal. And thank almighty God for helping me get out of the toxic family system. I honestly didn't know life could be so happy.

[@BA-vx7gb]

Sara Moon Ditto ❤️

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome. I am glad to hear you are healing and looking after your own well being!

[@erin-darbym.6444]

I'm in tears. I finally get it. I'm almost happy I'm the scapegoat

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion and sending you strength. You do not have to accept these roles and you can heal in your life.

[@RosieWilliamOlivia]

Me too!!

[@karengentry1631]

I was the scapegoat,but just realized this recently. I'm still so overwelmed

[@terri_cole]

Holding space for you with compassion, Karen ❤️

[@Crystalwitch9]

Thank you a thousand times, Terri! You have totally nailed my life! My Mother is the malignant narc. I am no contact with her, thank God/Goddess. I was the golden child/ hero / and scapegoat child. ( I never really was a child, but always felt like I was the adult!) I am 58. Incredible abusive childhood! Thank you for helping so many of us with this history! 🙏

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, and thank YOU for being here.

[@keepwell909]

That is so true learning your parent did not love you unconditionally and did not love you at all. That is the hardest thing to learn and believe . They tell everyone they do love in the family unit yet they can not truly love as they are just empty vessels.. Everyone is only there for a narc to get supply and for that reason only yet no one realizes in the family as you believe your parents love you .I feel the most important thing is everyone gets help and recognizes their role in that unit even well into adulthood and get some therapist so you can start your journey with self awareness,

[@elenethvlahacow4124]

Imagine having one covert narcissist and two malignant narcissists in your close family...the story of my life. For years I was feeling that everything is wrong with me and that I feel "wrong" emotions. But Thank God the time came and they got exposed

[@TheSpicehandler]

This describes my family of origin to a T. Ticked every damn box. Thank you! Most people who haven't gone through this, even psychotherapists, will never understand.

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome. Thank you for being here.

[@dnk4559]

I so agree!

[@Michelle_9_27]

Maybe you could do a video on the Grandmother narcissist taking over the grandchildren, when they should be there to “help”, but taking over belittling the mother (scapegoat) to play the child against their mother.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for your suggestion. The grandmother is still the mother and it's a very similar role that she would be playing with her own daughter. The dynamic can have a lasting effect on generations.

[@susannaf6353]

Hi, I want to thank you for making this video. Lots of good information. I was the scapegoat. My younger sister was The Golden Child. At some point my younger sister grew up to overpower my narcissistic mother. They have been in a power struggle for years. Constantly fighting for power and control over each other and over everyone else.

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for sharing!

[@tracywinter2066]

Amazing episode on the golden child I 👊 was the punching bag in my family we don't talk it's just so Messed up I can go on&on I ❤ love what you're doing you just make me so I don't feel so alone 💯🙏

[@jannamartens9806]

I relate with this video 100% thank you .

[@susanwilliams70]

I was the scapegoat child & I did escape physically by moving 600 miles away from home. Emotionally & mentally had a lot to work through for years to come though.

[@mitzicrowder2186]

Watching this today 9-3-2022. Lady this message is a god sent.

[@eloiseramsey9276]

I use to tell my religious friends you're so concerned about what I and others think, you're not noticing what your kids think about the hypocritical home they are living in. Your kids are going to end your false religion, not those you can't convert. They see how you preach one thing and live another.

[@tomikoeaton9786]

Totally correct my mother is a narc I was the scapegoat I left the state no contact 3years ago I am a empath

[@bkm2797]

Tomiko, same situation with me, including the traits of an empath. I had to save what was left of me at 15, and left everything behind (I literally live clear across the country), and have no regrets. I had to teach myself how to be me by making some mistakes, but in time, began to find myself. Good to see you are aware enough to look for help, it will get you there a lot sooner.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Congratulations 🎊 you definitely did the best thing for your happiness.....please be proud of yourself & create the happiest, healthiest possible life you can - this is transforming your karma💜all the best to you

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here and for taking steps to protect yourself. Keep taking care of you.

[@lindab2426]

Thank you SO much for this video. I have a very clear understanding now of what my role was in my family as a « flying monkey » when my mother was alive. Love your videos and keep up the great work. 😊

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome, Linda ❤ I'm glad you enjoy them. Thank you for being here!

[@babygoddess764]

I’m the golden child.. and luckily I have been aware of this dynamic since childhood and didn’t allow my mom to manipulate my sister and I against each other. My sister would tell me things that my mom would do or say to her and I believed and validated my sister every time. Granted back then I just wanted my family to get along so I also tried to get her to fake her way thru the conflict as best she could. We always say I am her 3rd parent bc I was aware of her “rougher” relationship with my mom and the fact that my mom was unable to show empathy, compassion, or have a safe space emotionally. I tried to keep a space for her. Even my parents would tell me things they wanted me to pass on to her bc their relationships were so bad. My mom showed me that she’s felt threatened by my sister and I’d relationship recently during a fight. She said “you guys are plotting against me. When me and your sister argue, you always comfort her and not me.” Like wow.. We’re in our mid 20s now and my sister as the scapegoat, while she struggles with abandonment and toxic romantic relationships, she faired SO MUCH BETTER than me. Shes been able to stand ip to our mom so much in the past 10 years and I’m so proud of her and wish I had that strength. She’s independent, better at setting boundaries, and is confident in her own personality. I have none of these things and am crippled by the thought of disappointing my mom still to this day (in therapy now and trying to move out). I really want to make new friends and start dating again (I have additional abandonment experiences from past relationships and friendships) but I’m so scared of the potential negative repercussions that I either self sabotage right at the beginning or don’t try at all. I wish I was the scapegoat if I had to choose.

[@moonlightstargem1006]

You explain this in such a way i actually understand it thank you!

[@Amber-ox2ju]

I’m the golden child .. father is the narc .. my brother is the scapegoat.. once I learned about this dynamic I started protecting my brother and standing up for him .. about 3 yrs ago.. I see a lot of videos out there about scapegoat child role but not as much about the golden child role and how to get out of that role.. I been trying for 3 yrs and made some progress by not being his supply setting boundaries but it is very painful and challenging ..

[@erin-darbym.6444]

Your brother appreciates it, I'm sure

[@godzillamanstreb524]

You are a hero in my book for trying to protect your brother.....please never stop & get him OUT as soon as you can......my beautiful, kind husband was scapegoated for decades and it killed him in July ‘18 from heart disease due to CPSTD - he suffered greatly 💔

[@Amber-ox2ju]

Godzilla man streb omg I’m so sorry to hear that

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion. Setting those boundaries takes time, patience and determination. You deserve to have love in a way that feels good to you, and you are the only person that decides what that is. Sending you strength.

[@gailspagnoli823]

@@terri_cole why repeat the same phrase to everyone, “witnessing, etc”. Sounds robotic.

[@andiincali.4663]

I'm the scapegoat. My name is Andrea like the fault. It's my fault, it's got my name on it as I like to say. ( San Andreas is the name of the big earthquake fault line here.) My older sister is the golden child. She has also become my mother's flying monkey as well. Supporting and enabling her psychological abuse of me. My mother has her convinced of her lies about me. So aggravating!

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for your aggravation ❤️

[@andiincali.4663]

@@terri_cole Thanks Dr Terri. It means a lot.

[@m.vanmack7412]

I am looking forward hearing from this important topic. I just left in 2019 my narcistic fam. 58 jr. old. My whole life is damaged by it. And Love to learn and heal as much as possible. Learn so I can recognice immediately when some one is a narcistc person. Its damaging your whole lovely life. So Terri please give as much you can your light about this topic. A lot of people wih this disorder are running business, families, the world even! The wake up is most important in these structures.! Thank you for your view of light! Mercedes holland

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here and for having an open mind to learn.

[@rachachable]

Thank you SO much! What a great topic! Thank you for starting the conversation around narcissistic families.

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome!

[@RosieWilliamOlivia]

I've watched several of your videos today and suddenly everything fits in to place! I've had a lot of therapy and read and listened to countless sources of knowledge on childhood trauma and abuse over the years but now I have clarity as I never have before!! Thank you!!! 🙏 You were the missing piece in my puzzle 🎁 As others on here mention, I'm also glad I was the scapegoat. I feel no connection to our mother at all and see our father was, and still is, her enabler. Neither of them were really parents and now I feel much more at peace with having gone through what I did.

[@babygoddess764]

My dad is def the enabler. He apologized for my moms behavior. But he was also kind of checked out from years of dealing with my mom himself and absent (he worked odd hrs)

[@samieelfit5165]

i’m the scapegoat, but thank you so much for doing this. it gives me hope

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome. I'm cheering you on!

[@piakopp6248]

I resonate so much with what you are saying ! I escaped as 'a scapegoat' (from Switzerland to Germany) when I was 22 years old. And I always felt it was so important for me to go - even I went through really hard times - and that I never really felt 'at home' anyway, or as you said I already didn't get anything I wanted in this system ... no way inside the system !

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@claireemily1983]

I was the scape goat in my family, now that were all adult children when i try and talk about my horrible childhood because the trauma effects even now being 36 especially in relationships with my siblings i get more invalidation because they dont have the same memories that i have. They say our mother did the best she could which is total nonsense because my mum was still horrible and critical and only cared about hereself up untill i cut her off at 35. Why do siblings have a different reality to what i have?

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion Claire. Each person will have a different experience. They may be playing a different role, and they may be impacted by experiences differently that impact them in ways differently from you. That does not make your experience less impactful to you, it's just different. What you feel matters.

[@bkm2797]

Is it a common pattern for a "Golden Child", to go behind the back of the "Scapegoat Child", to tell the narcissistic parent false truths to get them in trouble? Is it common for the narcissistic parent to attack the scapegoat physically without saying why they are doing this? Always interesting to hear what you have to say on this subject, and I hope you will continue. Please stay safe and remain well, the world needs you. Thank you!

[@BoysAreSmellyo]

That was my situation. My golden child brother always teased me and got me into trouble from a plethora of false truths. His best moments of life were sitting in the background watching my enabler mom scream at me and get me in trouble. Honestly I was an extremely well behaved child who suffered a lot of emotional abuse. Thank God I moved out and discovered that the situation was not normal

[@bkm2797]

I believe you! I remember visiting my friends home to see if it was the same in their home, knowing something was very wrong in mine. Had to learn healthy boundaries outside of family. Happy to hear you are finding your inner you, and I believe in seeking out people likeTerri who genuinely want to help. Stay safe and well.

[@BoysAreSmellyo]

@@bkm2797 thank you! God bless you and your family 🙏

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion. The roles can be tricky and what you describe could be possible. People are looking for love and safety in their relationships and those actions could be their way of trying to get that. Physical attacks are never ok and is abuse.

[@thirstonhowellthebird]

@@BoysAreSmellyo I am so sorry for what you endured! My golden child sister did the exact same thing to me and my mother would beat the shit out of me (her anger came from my womanizing father) just based on this one person‘s lies. Truly the most evil person on this planet- NS-shares my blood and I am so grateful I severed ties and will never see them again. I hope you have gone no contact by now because it’s the only way to heal and find peace and the wealth of physical health. They will destroy you which is why they treat you with such hatred because you are the scapegoat and refused to be silent and protect their false narrative…they are evil, pure evil.

[@oriejdbddhjeerhndjdrb3900]

I am the golden child to ‘prove’ to my parents on anything.All I want is a solution to not prove to my narc parents

[@nan0bel]

I'm curious about this subliminal narcissistic tendency to set up this family dynamic- almost as if staging a vignette over and over again. Do you think this frequently manifests as narcissists becoming actors or performers of another sort?

[@terri_cole]

Narcissists are deeply wounded people themselves with their own self esteem issues. It's possible they often become performers to fill that hole. They do what they have to do to validate themselves without ever having to look at themselves as the cause of the problem.

[@adimeter]

Yes I know one. She does commercials. She is grandiose. I think she may even be malignant. I’m in NC with her.

[@Michelle_9_27]

My mother compared me to my three other siblings constantly and hated me. I was the fat, disgusting, slut they should not become. I would hear it with my own ears. I am 50 and still am dealing with my self esteem. My entire family is dysfunctional. My 71 yr old mother will die never admitting she has done anything. Two years on Mother’s Day since they stopped talking to me. My sister (Golden Child) stopped talking to me and stopped my young god children from stopping to see me because I called out her drug addiction ( the kids do not know that). I’m being punished by them all. It’s sickening. Thank you for your video. It’s point on! My mother constantly competed with me and my sister a year younger than me. I had no relationship with my father because of competition. She literally competes for my sons love over me.

[@BoysAreSmellyo]

God bless you. You've been through a lot. How do you handle your son's interaction with your mom?

[@Michelle_9_27]

Sara Moon well he is 30 now, but it still happens. I want so badly to tell him how it really was for me, and I have a little bit over time, but he gets so angry with me. He tells me that I hate my mom. I’ve never talked bad about her, but have tried verbalizing what she would do. He doesn’t want to hear it. So I stopped trying. She would override everything I would do or say when trying to discipline him . He has no respect for me. She babied him and my sisters son. Overly babied them to the point of ignoring all the other grandchildren- which are all girls. So I just let it go on at this point. He calls her, he lives in another state, and he calls me on occasion. I really believe they have caused division between him and I, BUT, I know he loves me. He just is angry at things

[@pikachu-mb3jr]

​@@Michelle_9_27 i wanted to ask u something I'm 21 my mom tsk she always try to act victim with me like if my siblings do wrong she taunts me saying the older one taught them to talk back to her then even if my sis did something wrong she will instantly compare me with her instead of scolding her or telling her it's wrong she holds me accountable she lit mentally abuses me saying bad things then tell me that if i can't handle few words from here how I'm going to survive in my in laws home(idk why she thinks of future i dont even have in law she keep assuming talk) she told me if i have behavior like this ny future mom in law will torture me my future husband will leave me I'm literally scared of marriage she always compare me my dad is good with me when my dad scolds my sis when she did wrong my mom doesn't say anything to her she tells my dad that leave her she is small the older i. e me talks back to her like why always me i was literally so frustrated i asked her have u every realize how u treated my both sis and bro diff from me ahe said ofc becoz u were ungrateful from start (from when i was 10 ) that's why she is treating me like this from then like from that time k just keep quite not feel like talking ik i will be villain anyway.... can anyone tell me how to deal with this I'm going insane my head keeps paining panick attacks anxiety and all 😭😭😭😭

[@jessicasun4420]

I’m the scapegoat, sister is golden child and brother is the lost child. Wow

[@samieelfit5165]

it’s very hard especially during this quarantine, how do you suggest you handle gaslighting ,emotional abuse , & manipulation when you have no money to move out at the moment and your 20 years old with a physical disability

[@terri_cole]

Find a support system, like a therapist or counselor even in a remote setting. You can create your peace of mind and it helps to have help. I recommend Better Help, which is a platform you can use from your own home. You can learn more here terricole.com/betterhelp

[@kavishinde2970]

Bingo perfect 💯 scapegoat speaks truth and there are flying monkeys around as, siblings🙏

[@ambershaw4769]

Can I request a video on only children that have multiple roles please? I was conditioned to fulfill all roles at a young age. It's awful to know that their love is always on condition, & now as I have a 5 year old. I get easily triggered because my memories come back of the same age as my daughter. & we walk pass the house where I lived (where abuse started) to the school & I have vivid memories of that time. It's stronger now since I've had my daughter than ever before. I feel the pain my mother has gone through & I understand the way she is. She'd come from a deeply troubling narcissistic home; were she was sexually, physically, mentally & emotionally abused. I feel for her experience but I feel it's used as a free get out of jail card, to continue to get her way. Thank you Terri for writing 'Boundary Boss'. I've just started reading it & hopefully I can pass the tools to my daughter to become a boundary boss not an unconscious people pleaser. Take care of you too xxxx

[@marciahill6102]

Thank you for this video. Please talk about how to fix all this damage?

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome! This was a part of a series, so please feel free to check out the other videos!

[@elianaeades5498]

So glad I found your videos, I’m already feeling better from hearing you. My mom is a major narcissist 😭

[@moonlightstargem1006]

I can’t really tell which one i am between me and my older brother. I might be the golden child but it’s almost as if i didn’t feel like i was special enough to my family because i’d be spoiled with gifts & attention but whenever i’d deal with rough things in life my family would kind of care & then kind of not care sometimes. I do agree i kinda came out spoiled :/ and not as self sufficent as my older brother he may be the scape goat. But i’m still empathetic & psychic. I am the girl in the family so i am normally shamed for not shining as brightly as they need me too

[@MyRunner17]

Hi, Thanks for this but the recording is very low...

[@Psychinfo56]

truly helpfull

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it resonated for you. Thank you for being here!

[@VictoriaMorrisa]

Thank you. That was a great description of the different roles in the family. I was the scapegoat and you were spot-on about the scapegoat being the most vocal about all of the problems in the family that the others try to suppress (and no one wanted to hear it), being blamed for all of the family problems, and being the person who is treated like an emotional punching bag by all of the other family members. I’m so glad to be out of that environment. 🙏

[@LoveJoyPeacePatienceKindness]

You just put language to What I've been living for my 44years of life, it's the gaslighting that's the worst or maybe the triangulation or the control no the manipulation 🤔

[@terri_cole]

I'm glad this helped, thank you for sharing and for being here, Marci ❤️

[@moonlightstargem1006]

It is weird i found out both my parents don’t give a f that my brother and i fucking hate each other. I hate my family

[@daryadomnina6704]

YEEES! I’m a golden child...whenever I got sick they sent me to grandparents that not to see such conditions..and when I got so sick(basically night level of anxiety) my mom told me she won’t love me anymore like that..I can go and DIE! So, guys golden child is not good role actually 😅

[@terri_cole]

Exactly, none of these roles are healthy. I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for your healing.

[@SillyguyDitzy]

is there a role that's a mix of the scapegoat and golden child? like "oh yes. you're perfect and so good. I love you!" then you fail one thing or do a minor wrong to the other children and they go in the punching bag side of the role? because that's kinda what got from the family system I was in. also if you were in a family like that. I hope you can heal from that.

[@claredodd1258]

I'm in a dilemma. Any advice/different perspective would be appreciated. It's my sister who is the narcissist. She emotionally & mentally abused me for years (not in front of anyone). I finally told my brother (and his wife). He was very 'supportive' (he said is there anything he can do etc) but he didn't seem angry for me or shocked at what I told him (but he is very laid back most of the time). I know he would be there for me if I needed him but I didn't feel I was taken seriously enough and I know he would have met up with my sister over Xmas (family tradition) and nothing would have been said. I don't know whether to walk away from him as well so I have a clean break. He's the only family member I'm still in contact with. (I told my eldest sister but she called me a liar!!!). The narcissist does Oscar winning performances of playing the victim and I'm seen as the 'sensitive' one. I dont know whether shes managed to hoodwink my brother as well. I guess what I'm saying is I dont feel fully confident/trust hes got my back, I dont have 'proof' but I dont know how to explain that to him in a way he will understand. It was easy to walk away from my sisters because its crystal clear there both bitches (I've literally cried with relief) but I'm in a dilemma with my brother. (Both my parents have passed). I'm 51.

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion. Have you expressed how you feel to your brother? You can also ground yourself and have your own back.

[@claredodd1258]

@@terri_cole Thankyou for replying. No not yet. I struggle with standing up for myself/expressing myself through fear of upsetting the other person (years of brainwashing from my sister). Can you please explain what you mean by grounding yourself? I will speak to my brother when I'm ready. I guess am going to have to go with my instincts but I'm still doubting/unsure of myself because I've never done this before.

[@carlottaventi9556]

Sometimes when someone asked me if I knew WHO they are, I asked them if THEY actually know who they are, because why would you ask such a stupid question? It´s just sooo pathetic.

[@terri_cole]

Right on!

[@KemTheGem]

Do you offer coaching?

[@terri_cole]

I offer group programs and the next one is in September. If you are looking for more one on one attention, I do not take clients anymore but I recommend looking at Better Help which provides convenient options while we're all at home. You can learn more here terricole.com/betterhelp

[@danaparshall]

The narc parent interrupts the empathetic parent. The empathetic parent feels like they shouldn't tell the kids what is going on. You feel like you don't want to say what is going on because you are talking about the narc parent. I definitely tried to manage my husband's emotions.

[@musicmadeforyou6316]

Honestly as the golden child. I don't think it's help for me. I know I'm mean selfish rude either. But I never got called out for that. I tried to talk to my sg brother and he blames me. I lost my golden status when I got hospitalized as an early adult. I lost everything its no cushion. It's hard. It seems like everyone hates me. I wish I have had an honest childhood but now I'm just arrogant proud insecure ect

[@laurieberry4814]

My mom said that she was going to commit suicide. I told her that I was going to call 911. Then she said she didn’t mean it. I am angry.

[@jannamartens9806]

How do you break the cycle of arrogance in a family system?

[@terri_cole]

You can only control yourself- so your goal would be to recognize your own arrogance (if you're including yourself in the family system) and try to understand what it’s protecting you from feeling so you can change. ❤️ I know you're doing a lot of work already by being here.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

The golden child is by far the worst role.......they are grossly enmeshed with the narcissist & NEVER grow-up....yes, there is a huge cost.....0 self-identity - my husband was the scapegoat & he faired the best as far as his own marriage, family & level of happiness 💙

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you. I don't know if there is any comparison of the roles because each has its own problems that it faces. We don't have to compare pain or lessen our own. Your experience is valid and you are worthy of compassion.

[@MegaSthlm1]

My sister was the scapegoat, I think I am the lost child

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you.

[@fabighhggkathi996]

I’m loving 🥰 u

[@chilloften]

I’m the scapegoat, two younger brothers. Oldest brother is golden child and so is his wife.?Im just never good enough. Not allowed to have feelings, opinions, be happy, etc. it will be destructed. Ewe. Ugh.

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion. You are worthy just as you are.

[@lh485]

TERRI WILL YOU MARRY ME except that I am already married and so are you and we're both hetero, and I'm pretty sure mere mortals cannot actually marry ANGELS. Keep up the GREAT work and thank you for your vids :)

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for your kind words. You can watch the videos any time and no marriage proposal necessary!

[@elianaeades5498]

So glad I found your videos, I’m already feeling better from hearing you. My mom is a major narcissist 😭