Stop Auto-Accommodating - For Empaths, Codependents & Highly Sensitive People - Terri Cole

[@MikaakaPebbles]

I am this way, but I’m unlearning. The last time when I found myself almost becoming auto-accommodating was on my bday. I took myself out to a late lunch. My lunch was great and I paid the bill. The waitress asked me if I wanted to get a slice of coconut cake on the house for my bday. Of course I said yes and asked if it can be boxed bc i was heading out. I waited for the longest. The host came over to me and asked if I would move to another seat as a couple were coming in and wanted to sit together. My immediate thought was “oh let me move so they can be accommodated.” But then I shut that down bc I’m still waiting for service so I didn’t have to move to accommodate anyone. I was the priority in that moment. I told the host, “I’m waiting for my bday slice, so the seat will be available once I receive my to go box. Thank you.” I got my slice of cake and the couple got to sit together and I felt no guilt. The first time of many! Look out for you and ppl will know how to treat you!

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

omg, that is good!

[@kristilisakleiner9384]

Thoughts of a Gemini Presents...Let’s Vibe! Bravo 👏🏼

[@sailorsallyrockinrarity2130]

Good for you! And as a restaurant worker I have to tell you that I would never ever ask anyone to leave in order to seat someone. The sky isn't gonna fall if some impatient people have to wait two more minutes to get seated.

[@denishawashington1014]

Awesome and inspiring 😄

[@Ava.Luna.Bellatrix]

That's wonderful! And happy belated bday! - a fellow Gemini ♊😊🎂

[@Lisabug2659]

A narcissist will target an empath like a duck to a June bug....they will drain your energy and easily recognize your nature to “over accommodate” while ignoring your hypersensitivity. One must adapt to survive.

[@EternalBliss74]

Lisa Gunnison that my marriage

[@missyv5704]

Oh my gawd, 🙄 my whole freaking life, I've had to fight off Narcissit's. They are energy vampires. And a lot more.

[@lunita4fun]

This hit me to the core it now makes so much sense thank you!!!

[@anilpanchal7315]

and the victim is no longer empath due to these narcishits

[@patrickhanson712]

So true.

[@saskiaahaaha3464]

Somebody gave me the sentence that changed my thinking forever. "Not my circus. Not my monkeys." And then walk away. Do your thing.

[@gypsylady179]

Saskia Ahaaha not my pasture, not my bs One of my favs

[@CassTrashPuppy]

Love that saying 😀

[@pamelaputerbaugh3161]

Several people have shared that exact quote with me lately, Saskia. I really love it!!

[@juliepaull2819]

I use that all the time

[@M_SC]

Idk I would worry no one is taking proper care of the monkeys and I should step in

[@amerimom53]

This explains why I become exhausted without knowing why, thank you

[@casperinsight3524]

Autoimmune anyone ? 🤔 eye opening 👀

[@jennifergilmore7139]

I'm a cashier at a grocery store. Sometimes couples will argue in front of me and I have found myself getting tense while ringing up their order. I have to sing aloud or ask a co worker a random question to get out or disconnect from that energy. I remind myself I'm not part of their drama and I don't have to sit in it with them. I can laugh and they can glare at me all they want!

[@AlegraChetti444]

thats a great idea to sing, going to try that =)

[@chai848]

@@AlegraChetti444 Hi Jennifer, I too, am a cashier at a Wellness boutique. I feel quite overwhelmed if I am up at the cash register too long with a constant flow of customers. Before this, I was a massage therapist for 10 years and I thought that was draining, (largely due to my poor energetic boundary skills)! The hilarious thing is that I thought when I got this retail gig I'd be in the clear- that it'd be far easier in the energetic boundary department. NOT!

[@Fire-Toolz]

but isn't that intentionally dissociating from the raw, pure, present moment reality? i'm positive it helps you calm down or melt away some of that tenseness. it's just that, in a perfect world, i'd love to be able to just be there with that tenseness, seeing the couple arguing, seeing what is really going on, standing with them, "sending" them the wish that they could know happiness, and heal. i would much rather be able to do this, then intentionally find some way to distract myself. if we make a habit of distracting, we don't exercise that muscle, we become reliant on distracting, and we never really get strong. what do you think? :)

[@RCFrizz]

@@Fire-Toolz I think that is a great goal, but until Jennifer Gilmore can gain that ability, she has a good defense mechanism. Bickering in public is very rude. It is one of the many reasons I hated retail.

[@Fire-Toolz]

R Frizz yes, you do have to start somewhere. you’re right.

[@kclamb1944]

Wow this 100% resonates. The child adapting to the environment to survive... I feel empathy for myself.

[@chai848]

100% resonates here as well. My childhood self went through a tough time. She needs a great big hug every single day for the rest of my life.

[@user-dp4bu8jy4b]

Me t oo. My childhood was a nightmare...sick, tyrannical parents

[@KD-wz8tp]

Perfectly said😢

[@angelmossucco]

Read The Drama of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller or CPTSD Pete Walker or The Myth of Normal Gabor Mate

[@canoslo6126]

Those of us who were raised with one or both parents having Narcissistic Personality Disorder definitely learn auto accommodating as a survival skill. When you grow up as an extension of someone else and responsible for their emotions, there’s no real choice. It takes a lot of guts to choose to heal and learn “to take your place at the sink” like everyone else! But it is very very worth it. 💕

[@lilnelli]

My father is a narcissist and it’s such a struggle dealing with it. He has caused me to constantly feel complete responsibility for everyone’s emotions and just made me feel so small as a person, as though my only purpose in life is to please others. I’m only 15 yet whenever I talk with my dad I feel like the adult in the situation and I’ve had to mature quickly and I just miss being care free so much :( I hate how I’m constantly watching what I say around everyone now, because of him. Yet somehow my dad is still the victim, the one who needs constant attention and sympathy aghhh

[@henriettevandam166]

You are right... But it IS possible. Pratice practice... Like the words you here inyour head.. You have t o make your own mantra's. You dony have tobe perfect your justgood the way you are

[@canoslo6126]

Viana I’m sorry that you are also going through this. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. A loving parent child relationship is pretty much the opposite of the narcissistic parent child relationship. It’s all upside down and backwards. Perhaps that awareness can help you as you are aware of the behaviors and can see them for what they really are. Narcissists absolutely love to be the Victim, and they will go to great lengths to be in that role. That’s a very very powerful position that they don’t like to give up! One technique that they use is projection. Often times narcissists will say horrible things to make you feel guilty that are actually reflection of them and have nothing to do with your behavior at all. Another to be aware of is something called intermittent gratification. That’s a very effective control technique. It tosses just enough “crumbs” to the pigeons to keep them coming back for more - like giving you something that you really like. That keeps you close enough so that you can keep being used in the narcissistic game. By way of encouragement, those children or young people who have tended to see the bad behavior in their family as abnormal rather than following in those footsteps have a much better chance at a whole and fulfilling life. It’s NOT realizing that their behavior is crazy making that sets people up for much more of the same. So hang in there, know that it isn’t you, you didn’t cause this, and you can’t fix them. With time and practice, you can learn the skills that give you the love and more carefree existence that you did not get. For you to see it this early is a wonderful sign that your future is going to be much better than what you’re experiencing now. 💕💕💕Many blessings to you.

[@Milkway19]

Viana I am 19 and just realized this too. My father blames his problems ect on me and I have always felt like a therapist to him with no real purpose. Now I am 18 I can decide not to be home and it’s amazing. Push through you’ve got this and just know when you’re an adult you get an amazing sense of relief ❤️

[@lisal440]

This stems from the way women are treated in certain cultures, and from abuse, and also from being a good person. It’s almost like “don’t let my existence bother you.” I’m trying to stop this process in my mind!!! It’s so stressful and essentially goes down to how the people around you are either kind and respectful or they want you to not exist. I need to get around people that respect my existence and learn to respect my existence as well!

[@MsSimpleMovies]

It’s EVERY culture, baby.

[@lisal440]

MsSimpleMovies yeah, I was hoping not. But yeah pretty much!

[@D.j.2580]

Leslie what does it mean?

[@lisal440]

Leslie yeah, I googled it and I am! Now I’m conscious as to when I do it and I’m trying to recover. But it’s hard, like last night I was walking on a crowded side walk and I kept finding myself moving out of the way for everyone. No one budged to move for me. But I don’t see why I am always the one who has to move. But also I don’t want to cause a fight. And if they don’t move what do I do? Bump into them? Stop and wait for them to move? See the sounds like asshole things, but I don’t want to do the echoist thing either. Any advise?

[@kymhouse8158]

This is not about gender though. Anyone can experience this.

[@divarose2017]

I try to anticipate other people needs, now that I think about it.

[@schnarfel]

i do that every day with my wife. "must take the dog out and feed the dog and brew coffee before she gets out of bed so she can have a good start of her morning" and now it's like, if i don't do it i feel guilty. i apply that mechanism to a lot of things in life and it is exhausting indeed. i don't wanna feel guilty for not brewing goddamn coffee.

[@Freakeh411]

Alvaro Sarria please don’t use the Lord’s name in vain

[@ughseriously9914]

Same. Service based jobs will train you to behave this way, too.

[@Samarkis2012]

If you come from a place of strength or compassion...there is nothing wrong with being kind....know where you stand...feel your emotions....I will recommend Esther Hicks to learn about navigating one's emotions....And I bless & thank the over accomodators of the world💕Compassion is priceless!

[@thelashdate]

Graduate college and move far enough to still visit family. 5 hours is far enough. I am finally living alone for the first time in my life. Absolute Freedom. Find God. And seek his love above all. I still work with people 4 days a week but on set boundaries and appointment times. You have to prioritize your mental, emotional and physical health. I know too many empaths with serious illnesses due to self neglect. Peace be with you all.

[@GreenHealing]

I'm an empath, highly sensitive AND a recovering codependent. Sometimes I tend to stop what I'm doing to accommodate other people, like when my husband comes home from work. I work from home. He doesn't expect me to stop working just because he's home, but I tend to jump up, go do something to help him or something or other. Today however, I went to hug him, then went back to what I was doing and finished before going back upstairs. And that was fine. I tend to feel guilty when choosing to not accommodate others. It's the brainwash programming from when I was abused. It's crazy how I'll catch myself sometimes and know that it's ok for me to do what I need, but I STILL feel guilty about it.

[@5dkauhanespiritualarts775]

I'm 49 and do this all the time..I need my life back

[@terri_cole]

Then it's time to TAKE IT back, mama! I am cheering you on ;)

[@chai848]

You are not alone. I'm 42 and only starting to harness these skills.

[@jeanaallison7236]

I do this, too. 😣 it's very tiring but I feel it's due to my f'd up childhood.

[@AuraDawn_Health]

Same here, 47 and doing this still. As if it's a badge of honor and yet all it's done was being narcissistic men into my life.

[@twodogzdogue8710]

Justine, start today, Dear One or you will wake up in your 60s & still be wishing you had your life back! U have so much help now - I mean WE have so much internet info to help us so make each day a chance to look out for No. 1 & be the loving soul you were born to be, to yourself first, then you can be loving to others. No pearls before swine I say!

[@MygirlsGJPB]

As I was watching this I had my dog next to me chewing on a biscuit. She seemed to be having trouble, so I started breaking up the biscuit into little pieces for her. I even auto accomodate my dogs lol.

[@jaritamccully3797]

Awe but that’s ok . Our dogs love us so much

[@GopNik88]

Be glad you havent got a cat,you, like me would end up a super slave, but totally love it..lol

[@devyn5174]

I feel like that’s always worth the energy 😊

[@charissecoal]

MYGirlsGJ B oh no you’re just a good pet parent

[@mynameisreallycool1]

It's really sweet what you did, and you clearly had good intentions, but I'd like to point out that, especially if your dog is teething as a puppy, it's good for them to keep chewing by themselves and without help, because it helps their teeth and jaws get stronger. I think that's why they make biscuits so hard. It's just like when a human baby teethes on baby cookies or other foods, they will have trouble at first, but eventually it gets easier because chewing on something for so long helps to make their teeth come out faster. So don't feel like you have to break them up for him next time (unless the vet says otherwise I suppose).

[@andreasanford8814]

I have fibromyalgia and have heard it described as the fight or flight stress response has been tripped up and cant be turned off. You basically always feel like you are ready to fight a bear. I have been hypervigilant and felt like I was responsible for the world since I was a child. I felt shame about things that were never my problems or sins to solve. I have to consciously think through what is my responsibility and what is not.

[@MT-sw8rf]

Fibromyalgia usually is a consequence of a severe trauma / abuse in the childhood

[@glendalanden2916]

Thanks for letting me Know I am not the only one !

[@bonnieirvin5793]

Me too! Makes total sense.

[@annarehbinder7540]

M Ra actually NO! Its a consequence of physiological stress/ physical hurt/ illness this CAN be what you say but the first population they researched it on was a hospital full of mental patients where almost everyone who had ptsd etc had a higher incidence of fibro but that would also mean that they were likly to have experianced all the conditions above.

[@andreasanford8814]

@@MT-sw8rf I wasnt abused in my childhood.

[@Milkway19]

It’s super hard when you were raised this way, to listen to your father and never really get a voice, and to always move out of the way for more important people or things. It’s a hard long process to gain confidence and make yourself recognize that you’re as important as everyone else.

[@SuperPeterism]

Thinking on other peoples' behalf can be amazingly difficult habit to break. But how liberating when one gets that right!

[@helenadeering3531]

I stopped doing that when aI wore myself to a frazzle and finally figured out I couldn't save the world. It took me a while like 62 years. Thanks

[@bonnie3232]

63 years, lol! We are always works in progress😊

[@maunster3414]

Congratulations, Helena Deering! 62 is better than never. There had been people in my life that I refuse to speak to. I use my telephone from the 80s and an answering machine to screen my calls. I hear who's calling before I pick up. I also unplug when I meditate. All the best to you, dear one.

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

The hairdresser example isn’t silly. It’s classic! That could have been me. I would have done the same, exact thing!! When people see this tendency in you, those who are so inclined, will pounce all over it. People who “take their place,” behave much differently. They would just walk in, sit down and not give it a second thought (even with a line around the block!). Modesty is a good quality, but being on auto-pilot is too much of a “good thing.” Thank you for this insightful video.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for saying that, and I'm glad to hear you can relate.

[@happylindsay4475]

Great example. This is me all day.

[@jg5930]

Me too! Wow! 😮

[@resilience4lyfe331]

I’m glad to know that it’s optional & I’m correct not to allow others to place me on auto- defer...over accommodating

[@maocharlisme]

The example is perfect indeed! Such a great illustration!

[@auroradelioncourt]

Wowza, I didn’t realise there’s a name for it... it’s my everyday existence. Yet when someone does something for me I get proper anxiety (eg.: broke my foot so ppl offer me their seats on the subway and it actually stresses me out and makes me feel guilty)

[@jenster29]

Ha I'm like that too... Never want to be a burden. Jesus I'm 40 and have to make myself enjoy things I actually deserve

[@auroradelioncourt]

penelope pittstop I know!!! It’s crazy how much you notice it even more when you start to pay attention. And yes, definitely, enjoy it, because no one else will for us 😁 good lick to both of us haha

[@tammtammti]

I feel you. I had the same, I realized I closed off my receiveing of kindness as a protection. It is something which comes from my childhood and sabotaged me from getting kindness to my heart, from others, from myself, as well! I realized, I appreciated my protection, slowly loosen them up... now I had a broken foot and I was so grateful for kindness I was able to give and listen to others as well. It is rewarding. And you deserve kindness and attention as well.

[@ramblingruthie7602]

Sounds exactly like what people pleasing is to me

[@sallyjones2873]

I can’t link anything to my upbringing other than respecting my elders. My parents weren’t abusive, they didn’t drink or smoke or take drugs etc. They were kind and respectful and caring BUT I grew up with undiagnosed adhd and was often in trouble for not being the same as everyone else; I was a difficult child 🥺

[@ifonlyunu994]

Empaths do this a lot. It is learned for survival reasons. It is not necessary in most situations in adulthood. Thank you for this video.

[@charityrosewalker3093]

i’m confident that i auto-accommodate. yikes. no wonder i’m exhausted.

[@kristilisakleiner9384]

Sheri Lynn Wooldridge Preach

[@amazingyear9042]

Empathic micro-managing pro right here... yup! Ugh! Changing that. Freeing up my energy. I feel better already! 👊🏻🙋‍♀️🎶 My parents were pre-teens in WWII & I am pretty sure they learned it there & passed it on to us because our home was very calm w lots of Love. 🌹❤️ Sol’n: 4X4 breathing. Be Present & ask Me What Am I Thinking About! Game-Changer! ThankYOU. It works. Self-Awareness! Yay.

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@lhijk2135]

I see now how I get angry when I feel it's not reciprocated, thank you!

[@theylienmusic2107]

Same! Recovering from being in 2 narcissistic relationships last year and wondered why I felt like they never returned the favors/courtesies I constantly showered them with... never again!

[@marielatapia4801]

Omg...

[@donnygat]

I auto accomodate all the time and Im ashamed of it. I do it because I grew up getting blamed for everything that went wrong so I start trying to fix things that have nothing to do with me so that way not only will there be no blame on me, but also I may also be a 'hero'. Instead I end up feeling like a doormat helping people with things that I really don't want to, just because I feel obligated to for no reason.

[@shaylafitzgerald3373]

I knew I couldn't be the only one 🙌 I mean the " chatter" situation is bad , I can literally hear everything everywhere. I even feel like I can read thoughts/ emotions even when they're opposite of what's being presented . I stay home mostly cause it's just too , too much. I'm already super emotional on my own, I don't need anymore triggers. My bf thinks I'm crazy.

[@denishawashington1014]

I get the chatter, and reading thoughts and emotions so bad that when I'm in small groups and parties, I get a headache right behind my eyes that won't go away even after I've already left. So I don't usually go to any get togethers because I'm gonna get sick anyways.

[@ChandlerSavage]

I completely understand, I experience similar. I thought I was crazy too until I learned that 15-20% of the population is Highly Sensitive and our brains are functionally different than the majority. Once I was able to accept this and learn more about my sensitivity, life has been less of a struggle, although still I get overwhelmed VERY easily. I highly recommend the book, "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron, who is also an HSP. The best thing we can do is understand and accept ourselves and then find ways to protect ourselves from overwhelm while still living in the world, a challenge for sure, but a worthwhile one. :)

[@sarastepp5488]

I'm absolutely with you! The only peace I get is when I'm out running. I can't unhear and unfeel it all. I've recently started a new job, and the anxiety is overwhelming. I'm physically terrified of being exposed as an incompetent impostor, even though I'm fine. My nervous system is tuned for danger in every situation. And I'm exhausted. I can't shut it off. Ugh.

[@godsservant6649]

SHAYLA FITZGERALD Do you have a brain injury? I suffered a TBI and have these issues since my wreck. My ability to function in a restaurant or at a party is severely impaired. So sad.

[@starfoxfanboy786]

Your not alone sis x

[@jessie6761]

To share my story... is a ton of bricks right now. I used to sit on my moms legs when she was spasming when i was 8 years old. I used to help with a lot of things for her when i was a child. Im trained to be on point and vigilant as if taking care of a child when i was a child. Her notes... made me numb out. I hope I find this again when Im more open to the message. This is too raw. Not because of her delivery. At all. Shes so gentle and clear. Im just... easily overwhelmed.. it needs therapy aka me

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and hoping that you can get the help you need and deserve ❤️❤️

[@jenniferg6818]

I know exactly where you're at. Keep building muscle by practicing. Give yourself credit for whatever you can do. If you need a break, stop.

[@varvarahatzoglou1219]

Shocking but true! I have always tried to "predict" people's needs, moods and reactions. I could not figure out why....but the way you describe the possible roots of this behaviour gave me great insight! OMG!

[@cynthiasarah4286]

Prefectionism, and abuse in childhood... my mother would scolded my friends if they played with my dolls I lined up. No one ever came back to play because of my mom.

[@websterfelicia86]

😥

[@sweetrose813]

I guess your mom was selfish like so many that were in my family. I don't claim them as family! So many people want to be first at the expense of someone else. That's been my experience people stealing my place and stabbing me in the back pretending to be my friend

[@sarahellis268]

This is so, so good. I needed to go no contact with my Family of Origin after having my daughter because I had no energy to meet my mother’s needs. I had to focus on my daughter’s. In my family of origin, this is betrayal. I’m sorry it has to be this way by my sanity depends on it.

[@clararoethe8935]

[@sn8323]

I think you are awesome. And your daughter is lucky. xo

[@rubberbiscuit99]

It is sad, but no contact is sometimes the best if not only option.

[@kristilisakleiner9384]

Sarah Ellis Proud of you, that took true grit , even though it is the best decision for both you and your child it doesn’t mean it’s easy - necessary, not easy but it gets easier and life gets lighter

[@sandys2672]

Sarah, you are very smart and strong to stay away. I failed to stay away from my toxic family, because I had no clue about codependency and narcissism. There was no help on KZbin at the time. Thank God for people like Terry Cole and others who are lifting us up and shining light on this. The narcs in my family trained my daughter to be in Narc right under my nose and I didn’t even know it. I kept trying to make her happy, enabling her poor behavior and rewarding her for abusing me. I’m ashamed and so sad about it. We need to not be codependent enablers; we really need to be healthy for our children, or they’re doomed. God bless you, you are doing the right thing. And don’t ever let them get into her head! My advice is, if she ever has to meet them, make sure it’s supervised visits only (if any at all). They work fast.

[@mayl2773]

I’m guilty of auto accommodating all the time but moreso in these past few months, I’ve been trying to change that. It’s so difficult and it makes me feel odd and I think when people are unhappy with me and my decisions it makes me feel even more odd and wrong but most of the time I stand my ground and am strict on my decisions. Pretty sure this is also a learned behavior. My strict asian parents raised me to always be accommodating to them. Unlearning is difficult

[@laraesque]

Very helpful video! I'm in my 60s, and I'm aware that I'm hypervigilant. But I wasn't aware that it was affecting me almost everywhere. I used to carry extra tools around that I could whip out, whether someone needed a knife, pliers, or needle and thread. In restaurants, parks, shopping, and events, my ears perk if someone is having trouble calming a crying child. I'm tuned in to the looks of disgruntlement of those around me and especially of the parent. If it goes on too long and the parent seems frustrated, *I* jump up and bring over a toy I keep with me and crank up a baby app to distract the recalcitrant infant. (Now that I've got a grandchild, at least I have an excuse!) Okay, crying kids can get on anyone's nerves after a while, and I do like doing a good deed and helping out. My distraction often helps and parents seem grateful. But really, why do I do this? I figured it out watching your video. I was the oldest. My younger siblings were my responsibility from the time I was 9 years old and they were infants. What's critical is that Mom was a borderline--way over the top with all kinds of physical and mental abuse and many suicide attempts on her part that I had to talk her out of. I was her therapist and heard things no child should have to deal with. More importantly, you didn't know when the storm would hit, so I did everything to keep my younger siblings entertained, occupied--and quiet. I spent hours with my ear at a furnace grate listening in, trying to figure out what and when to do something as parental battles included blood-curdling screams, non-stop shouting, and sometimes real blood. It was horrific over most of my childhood. So now I'm wired to constantly scan. Any shift in background noise makes my heart beat a little faster. Hypervigilance takes a huge toll. The slightest noise awakens me even now. So I don't get the good sleep that is essential to good mental and physical health. I become near panic if I hear a child or pet cry down the street. Every pain in my own body is a possible symptom of something terminal or debilitating. Etc., etc., etc. At this age, I'm not sure if I can rewire my brain. But I'm going to try. I deserve a little peace, don't you think? Thank you for your clear description of this pervasive and harmful state of mind.

[@Art-gb5ok]

Q

[@higherperspective1756]

I CAN RELATE TO YOUR EXPERIENCE .... YIKES ! ONLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT FOR ME , AFTER THIS VIDEO AND READING THE COMMENTS. I'M ALMOST 61 .

[@sugarshannie623]

Wow, sounds exactly like my life too! God Bless!

[@CC-oe5gw]

🙏🏾💖

[@cherylell4208]

My life also 🕊🙏🏾 we are now in recovery; thanks to the great people of KZbin and there generosity 💞

[@annmcintire8888]

Over-accommodation is so engrained in me that I often find myself saying yes to something without even thinking through whether I really wanted to do so and/or failing to speak up in the moment that I don’t want something. I’ll give a silly example, but it’s one of many. I was on a first date with a man who chose the dessert for us, chocolate lava cake, without even asking if it was what I liked or wanted. He decided we would share dessert, and mind you I had offered to split the bill so it wasn’t a question of money, and I really didn’t want to share since I like my desserts! I really wanted the crème brûlée, but out of fear I would seem difficult or too particular, I said nothing and just accepted his choice. This is a mundane example where no danger was involved based on my just going along with what my date wanted. However, I have sometimes been in more serious situations, especially when I was younger, when, for example, I was on a first date having dinner in a hotel, and I went up to my date’s hotel room after dinner just because he asked me to, when I really knew I ought to have said I was not comfortable doing that with someone I barely knew. I sometimes feel like I freeze in the moment, fear takes over, and I feel almost powerless to say no. I know the root of my being overly accommodating is fear of rejection or abandonment, but there has to be a way I can recognize when I am on auto-pilot, so to speak, to not allow myself to become paralyzed with fear, and to speak up in the moment. I guess it’s like Terri says, to start stopping myself and doing mini-meditations throughout the day to check in and recognize what I am thinking, so that maybe it will start to become automatic to recognize when I am being accommodating rather than being true to myself.

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

A lady called me and was friendly and asked me why I had not been to an Alanon meeting, I thanked her for checking on me and told her I had to work those weeks. Few weeks later she calls and wants a ride to the meeting. I don't even know where she lives exactly, but know it is in a bad area! This is definitely not my side of the street. I did not even reply to her voice mail. Today I plan on letting her know I CAN'T, my life is too hectic. I notice she has been riding with others and I use to feel like I should do my part and a lot of time in the meetings they want you to take on duties I don't want to do, it is hard and I feel guilty but learning to say No. I have to learn to take care of my needs for a change. I always thought it was me in my dysfunction family and I had to do and do and do and they would be different, now I know it is ok being me and I am not a bad person.

[@terri_cole]

Good for you, Sunshine! And remember, your life doesn't have to be hectic for you to not want to take on responsibility for someone you barely know. Literally, your preference to NOT WANT TO for your own reasons is completely valid all on its own xo

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

yes life is not really hectic, just didn't know what to say. Hopeing you will give me some communication skills, I just go blank. At least I said No. I guess I could of said No I can't.

[@heatherp3744]

@@sunshine-sm6nf I've been working on that lately too! On purpose not allowing myself to say "I cant." As if I'm not in control of my own life or choices. I have been making myself reply, "No." Either "I'm choosing to do other things", or just "No." But NOT allow myself to say it's because I can't. Saying "I can't" is so disempowering, and honestly probably not true (since I could technically quit my job or not take care of the person or thing, or not do whatever it is I want and am choosing to do instead. Truth is 99.9% of the time, I can. But I'm choosing to do something else; and that is okay. If that other person is a good person to have in my life, they will not be mad or upset with my choices, they will give me that freedom and respect. If anyone has another line they use instead of "I cant." Please comment it! I'm always looking for ways to word it, without allowing myself to say "I can't." And it can feel so awkward to me at times, so any extra help would be greatly appreciated! :)

[@jartisteobscure3992]

@@heatherp3744Great points, I feel the same... One I love and have used for some time now because it is fairly versatile is "I have other plans (that day/at that time)" another is "I won't make it to..." (instead of "I can't make it")and then always adding whenever -- it feels applicable -- "but thank you (for the invitation/for thinking of me etc...) to let them know it's (probably) not personal... I just wouldn't do/join/go to that specific whatever it is no matter who asked, because these are preferences and boundaries that keep me happy period. ✨🦋🌻✌✨

[@heatherp3744]

@@jartisteobscure3992 Thank you, Jay! Those tips are so good!! And so simple, I can hardly believe I didn't think to use them before. I'm definitely going to be using those in the future, you made my night! :)

[@ladybird491]

Wow lady you speak of my life. I have several family members who keep dragging me into their drama, emotional wars on rewind and replay daily. I now have starting just hanging up the phone and walking out. I have a friend that ever since my mother died and they know how I looks over her, now every conversation d have has have a dash of his mother and him in it. He never use to do this. It is like he is trying to prove to me they are the same as me and my mom were. My mom has been gone only a few months, so I find it cruel for him to constantly bring up his mom in every conversation.

[@ItIsJustMeMe]

Yes . Synchronicity! I find I am exhausted! I find myself always trying to "smooth things over" for everyone in every situation.

[@adt2475]

I feel like I was looking for this term "auto-accomodating" subconsciously for long tbh. I do it everywhere I go, from gym to college and even during traveling. But it was costing me at the end of the day.

[@terri_cole]

I feel you and see you ❤️

[@matthewprovencio6020]

I think for me it is a bit of projection. Like I sometimes don't feel comfortable telling people my needs, therefore I always have to clarify that they can tell me their needs, as if they don't already know that. It makes me feel like people are not being honest about their needs, when in reality I am the one that does that lol

[@terri_cole]

Good insight, Matthew! Thanks for sharing.

[@justanotherhuman8918]

You had me up to the rubber band snapping...no to hurting yourself!!

[@JB-mw7zt]

I used to think I was self aware. Watching amazing videos like this reminds me of how much I have to learn & explore.

[@fembot521]

I actually bypassed my need to do this a few weeks ago. On my own I realized I do this all the time. Poking my nose in other peoples business and putting myself out to accommodate a problem that I am anticipating or making up. I used to think my husband was selfish because he didn’t do this! Now I realize that others can ask me to accommodate and I can agree or not to accommodate. My highly sensitive tendency is what makes me a highly attentive mother. I can anticipate my kids needs really well. It burns me out though.

[@terri_cole]

Yes!! That's great that you recognized it, even after the fact. That's how growth and change happens. And it's great that you can find your super power. And make sure you take care of you too. :)

[@Gypsymumma90]

I recently discovered this on my birthday the 29th when friends werent saying happy birthday to me ..I feel like I give too much its really upsetting that we can give so much to others but people dont have the same heart .I will try this its very helpful information.

[@aunaturellebri09]

Great message. It also makes me think about how racism and systems and oppression can also lead to hyper vigilance in groups of oppressed people

[@yellabyrd5821]

You timing is immaculate.I am dealing with this issue presently.Thank you for your time and energy.

[@staciweaver7801]

SAME!

[@theforeigner6988]

Wow. A completely new aspect. I never realised that I am this way. Thank you again

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@transitionsnc]

I'm a healthcare worker in 3 hospitals who treats critically ill patients. I constantly auto-accommodate at work, which is appropriate. But it has spilled over into my personal life, which at times is rather damaging. It's one thing to be nice to others, it's another to bend over backwards to be nice to strangers. I lived in NYC for 14 years and people will simply take advantage of you in an environment like NYC if you auto accommodate. Fortunately, I live in a different city now where people are more considerate overall. Still, I spend a lot of time by myself because auto accommodating at work for 8 hours a day is simply exhausting.

[@terri_cole]

Yes absolutely. Finding ways to keep your energy protected while you're at work will help.

[@AwsmNix]

I just read the title and my mind was blown. I’ve been insanely auto accommodating especially with my roommate and coworkers and didn’t realize the toll it had on me until I read the sentence. Subscribing now

[@gisella1350]

Pure gold, thank you.

[@lovebirdkissesft.leopoldka834]

I love the way you talk. Your voice is so soothing, and you talk slow enough that I can process what you are saying instead of being overwhelmed.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you!

[@boomerangsruckflug8513]

Great Terri! Yes, I always thought being "proactive" is a good thing, but I have to distinguish when is it nessecary and when it's just wrong. "To stay on your side of the street" is a good expression! Thanks Terri 🍀🌸🐝

[@_creative_conversations_]

I love your strength and clarity Terri. I learn so much from your version of sensitivity x

[@Gabeloveyou]

Hard being an Empath. Love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️.

[@jenp342]

With these experiences, the videos you share are resonating and greatly appreciated🕊🇨🇦

[@savetrump1088]

It bothers me when people make agreements that involve me doing something and I wasn't included in the deal. I didn't agree to mess up my life to help them.

[@Ottermoonoracle]

Thank you! I shared this in a codependency group of mine when hyper vigilance/awareness came up in a chat

[@Hamza-GH-Hofmann]

Great. Brought to the point. Autoscanning AND (without being asked!) anticipating possible needs, dangers, problems AND presenting, even pushing solutions, contributions etc. Sincerely from Germany.

[@Maliilse75]

5:45 Wow. So, so well explained. Thank you so much Terri!

[@nenenesama]

I am amazingly happy because I have been doing this very unconsciously all my life, and this is the first time someone has brought it to my attention. I’ve got work to do. When I heard about using the rubber band to create an aversion to the auto-accommodating I noticed that a part of me got upset and fearful at the very thought of not doing it, like I’ll be in danger if I stop. I’m looking forward to keeping that energy.

[@higherperspective1756]

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN .... I'M AFRAID IF I STOP SCANNING / ASSESSING EVERY SINGLE THING THAT'S HAPPENING AROUND ME ... I'LL GET INTO SOME KIND OF DANGER / TROUBLE.....I'M NOT CONVINCED I SHOULD LET MY GUARD DOWN ....I FEEL I NEED TO DO IT TO SURVIVE . I MIGHT NOT NOTICE A DANGER AHEAD OR IN THE VICINITY IF I'M NOT VIGILANT .... NO ???

[@britcasta3871]

I’ve been this way since childhood, it began when I felt the need to please my school teachers. I remember one teacher scolded me for not going out of my way to do something for her as quickly as she wanted me to and since then I’ve always auto accommodated for others and put myself last. I’m currently learning not to auto accommodate. Enough is enough.

[@terri_cole]

Right on!!!!

[@aronbereket1205]

I hope you live long so that more people can get this type of healing from your spirit and this channel.

[@ewamdrozd420]

Heeeya Thank u Teri 😊 I appreciate this oh so much right now. Ttlly great timing 🙏❤️ Bless you 😘

[@MicahRion]

When you said, “It’s not free” I really needed to hear that

[@valeriamoralescisneros]

I had to see this today... synchronicity. Thank you!!

[@truepeace3]

I grew up in a chaotic, unstable, emotionally abusive home with an authoritarian father. Until I became a Christian, I felt like an exposed nerve, aware of everything all the time. Now that I’m more healthy emotionally, I’ve come to appreciate that part of my personality. But it can be exhausting at times, because my mind is constantly in motion. Always in the present and/or future.

[@cathrose4879]

This is what I do but I always have a hard time describing it. Thank you for this.

[@terri_cole]

You are welcome!

[@maureenbennett7817]

I saw this in my feed a few days ago and saved it. I watched today b/c it is the 8th anniv of my youngest sister’s death - she was 46. Every year, I send a card to my parents and some years, to my other sister. Last year, neither acknowledged the card. I always initiate- no on reaches out to me or returns. For the past week or so, b/c I have been anxious about this day, I have tried to tell myself that I will take care of my feelings on this day. But I attempted to call my parents last night - my mother picked up hung up and then no answer when I tried again. And the Voicemail was shut off. My other sister has recently gotten a new phone and number, but I don’t have it - my mother does, and I’m sure other people in her life have her new number. There are other issues, but I did find this video very helpful and I think there was a reason I remembered to watch it today. I will focus on my feelings and memories of my sister today and let others deal on their own. I’ll be subscribing and watching more of your videos - thank you.

[@lynettecockburn332]

I have no idea how I found you but thank goodness I did! Resonated so so much at a complicated time of my life. Off to find a rubber band. Have a peaceful weekend and thanks.

[@josephinesipple6956]

Lynette Cockburn I just now landed on this knowledgeable woman too! Yay!

[@scalylayde8751]

First time watcher, but this was like listening about my entire life

[@tink5337]

I'm an empath and I do so much of this without even realizing it. So much of my life has just been explained.

[@lizayers3154]

I grew up with this due to my family life and then became a nurse. My career also requires/encourages this type of behavior and inset I have had burnout multiple times in my 40+ year career. Thank you for this video.

[@FreeJulianAssange23]

This is so true. So helpful- people pleasing and self sacrificing comes so automatically. People say just don’t do, it’s not that easy. I am often punished for being too nice. Is it okay to feel self pity? I think I do.

[@angelap.9670]

Terri. You are describing me. I am getting better because I have been working on this for a long time. But the way you explain it and the examples you describe, I find that I still have a lot of work to do. Which is great, because I see it as an opportunity to improve my relationships and my life. I am new here and I am binging on your videos. There are so many, and they are fantastic. Thank you for sharing your honestly earned wisdom.

[@svetlanasmirnova306]

I inherited it from my Mom! Her life was tough, and she taught me to keep alert . In my childhood I had always had that feeling that I'm in somebody's way. Still scan around, but now I'm trying to play with it, like I'm Miss Marple ))

[@susanbrown9606]

Yes, good description. That you're always in the way or asking for too much.

[@SimplyBeautiful516]

Oh. My. Gosh. I have lived in this way for more than 50 years. And I’m sooo exhausted. And even though my grown kids have tried to show me that this isn’t normal, I could never truly understand what they were saying. The light bulb just came on. 😭

[@notsoseriousmoonlight]

Thank you for this video! This answers why I'm so exhausted all the time. Hyper-vigilantly monitoring everyone and everything within range of my perception, seeking to head off difficulties and trouble before they start, takes so much energy. It once served a hard childhood, but now it is too much. I am trying to heal, but there is so much that is automatic. I am trying to stop physically crouching so as not to take up too much space. It still happens if I need to get down the hallway at work, and I say excuse me quietly, so as to be as little an inconvenience as possible. Then I think, how many others do that?

[@catecurl3790]

"Flying under the radar" .... i actually thought i made that up 40 years ago. And 'scanning' . Thought that too was uniquely mine. Bombshell moment.

[@Flowersandtrees]

This has been my whole life ; recently decided to try and make things better , unfortunately the people around me are so dependent on me to be the “fixer”. It’s been exhausting 😐

[@hlenzo]

Penny Lane I can relate! Good luck!!

[@CassTrashPuppy]

Me too .my life .🙄

[@fawndogd5520]

I love your example. Like why do we find it necessary to accommodate other people when you are also “paying” for that service? Why can’t we feel like the VIP of our own lives! As a child I was expected to be nice and accommodating to everyone except myself!

[@terri_cole]

Exactly!

[@TheOneTheyCallTim]

As a huge empath, I find that having my own interest to focus on stops me from over auto-accommodating. When I'm bored I take on everyone else's problems. I think it's good to be more empathetic but not sympathetic. The world could use more empaths.

[@meganmcintosh1843]

I’m only 21 years old but I’ve been auto-accommodating for my entire life and it’s hitting me hard right now. I feel like my life is falling apart and my mental health is complete shit because of it

[@andrewknapp5691]

Thank you for bringing awareness to this "reflex" way of living. I've been a healer and intuitive therapist which makes it difficult to separate work from leisure with the auto-accommodating mind set. Now that my awareness is piqued, I'm looking forward to the benefits of using that energy in a better way. Cheers.

[@terri_cole]

Right on!!!

[@juliantorres2772]

I learned recently at the age of 53 why i ve been like that all the time. Thank you for this video and i realised you getting emotional while explaining . I cant help beeing aware of other peoples feeling because it did have and impact in my life . Now i am learning to manage my own feelings and perceptions and understand the meaning of all it.

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, and you are not alone ❤️

[@juliantorres2772]

@@terri_cole Thanks. My therapist recommended your book . I will get it asap. REGARDS

[@karenweger6314]

I found that if I smoked pot. It would help. Because I would go more into myself. But that is not the answer. But helped me.

[@cassdf9529]

Karen Weger I completely agree. It slows the tornado that is my mind and allows me to consciously analyze things that normally were subconscious. But pot only helps when used sparingly. Maybe once or twice a week at most.

[@lesliebean4594]

Same here

[@lisapearson78]

I’ve been taking notes. I’m so glad I found you. Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@mastandstars]

I do this All. The. Time! WoW. I actually thought everyone was doing this too. This was SO helpful

[@cengel1951]

I love to make people's dreams come true..and being polite. But yes, I've had to learn to back up and observe more

[@mariawalcott4343]

Great subject Terri ⭐️ Thankyou! You have articulated my pattern so well. I have been doing this for years without realising thinking I was just being thoughtful. I became very aware of it a few months ago at a family lunch when I couldn’t sit and simply enjoy my meal. I was worried about everyone and everything. When I realised what I was doing I had to focus my attention on just eating my meal. It felt so good to lower the antennae and just relax !

[@josephinesipple6956]

Maria Walcott It’s gotten so bad for me, I can rarely have my children and grandchildren visit! I’ve had to cut out meals when they come. I didn’t know why my anxiety levels were so high! Thank you for describing this example! It’s going to help me be able to start to even think about reversing this trend. ❤️🙏🏻

[@caleuxx9108]

Hi Terri, I so resonate with what you are saying here. The connection to my childhood is obvious to me. In my current adult life, if I have contact with people from my family of origin (narc father, selfcentered brother or sisterinlaw, schizofrenic mother, and/or aunt who on has a tendency to blame me for my fathers behaviour) they all tend to put the responsibility for their stuff onto me. My narc father is really really good at playing stupid and the victim in such a subtle way that the manipulation can be difficult to uncover if a person hasn't done a lot of education on the topic. Recently I was at a family funeral, where some people talked about their lives in negative ways and the following nights I couldn't fall asleep because I was thinking about their problems and their unhappiness…. not during the day. It came in bed, after turning off the lights and trying to fall asleep. Those are poor emotional boundries with enmeshement present, right? Even if I do nothing and say nothing to try and help them (conscious decision), the enmeshment is still there on an emotional deep level. What should I do to heal that?

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion and I can hear how this is weighing on you. I would encourage you to start by getting it all out on paper by journalling your thoughts and feelings. Let yourself free write for 10 or 15 minutes before bed so it's not weighing on your mind when you're trying to rest.

[@valerier4308]

Wow, I do this a lot. Learned to do this as a child - for survival! Served me well in my profession as a teacher (although it made my job more draining), but interferes in my personal relationships. Thanks! New subscriber.

[@terri_cole]

Welcome!!!

[@CB19087]

I do this. Let people ask for their own needs to be met and concentrate on your own needs ❤ no matter how loud that inner critic voice is!

[@terri_cole]

Yes!! ❤️

[@teethompson7756]

This resonates so strongly with me but I believe it's more personality based than a result of childhood experiences. If you examine siblings who grew up under the same circumstances but react totally differently it's hard to credit these things to our childhood. I also think auto-accomodaters try to lead by example. We do considerate things in hopes that others might do them too. It's not a bad thing, but you are completely right about how exhausting it is. I believe this hyper-awareness is ruining my health and I have been trying various techniques to combat it. Thanks for the video. It's important to be reminded that tranquility and mindfulness require daily work.

[@side-eyewarrior823]

Tee Thompson some people are scapegoats in their family, so they can become people pleasers while the siblings who joined in scapegoating don't suffer from this.

[@teethompson7756]

@@side-eyewarrior823 I can appreciate that.

[@tbd5082]

I’ve come to adopt the position of “tell me exactly what you want from me.” If I want to give I will, if I don’t I won’t. If you don’t come straight, I’m out. If I find myself wanting to bridge the gap between your words and intentions and expectations, I’m out. If I unconsciously try to bridge the gap, and catch it, I won’t.

[@kellyv6075]

It's so validating to see you, as someone who I see as impressive, that you auto accommodated in your mid20s all the time. Cus I am currently in my mid 20s and it feels like this will never end. It makes me feel hopeful that you are where you are now

[@terri_cole]

No one is perfect, including me! We are all learning and doing the best we can. And we all have room to grow and be better. It's about committing to taking the small steps on a regular basis.

[@kellyv6075]

@@terri_cole that really helps, thanks 😊

[@marquisstarks9471]

Wow. Revealing Ms. Cole. This is much-needed.

[@dianapaloma3102]

Thank you 🙏❤️

[@hannahk.summerville5908]

It really is bloody exhausting. And you tend to attract people who feed on that and perpetuate the pattern *sigh* It takes a lot of consciousness to intentionally step out of it. Especially as a woman. Cause then you also have this "good girlfriend/wifey/mother" thing. But if you don't get a grip on it you just start hating your partner & the people around you. And then it's like "but I'm always doing so much". So my resolution is really choosing what I want! to do. Not what I feel like I have to do. Great episode. Thank you!

[@elisalu34]

Perfect timing. I was just having a conversation with someone about this very topic yesterday! ✨❤️✨

[@terri_cole]

YES! I love synchronistic happenings!

[@judeleese7783]

Oh yes...I recognise this. The cost will eventually be burnout....Absolutely spot on about the childhood causality. Now, being at the burnout end of the timeline, means I have exhausted myself out of being hyper aware and super accommodating. I have to tell people no....but have no energy left for myself, for now. I will try the exercises as this resonates.....It’s a learning process...life....🙏 Thank you

[@terri_cole]

Yes, it is a learning process. I'm holding space for you as you learn and grow.

[@sailorsallyrockinrarity2130]

I am like this. I grew up with many brothers so my personality is a weird mix of auto-accommodating and standing up for my own needs. I have learned how to mesh these two diametrically opposing aspects of myself over the past few years, but I have to be careful not to put myself into situations where I am likely to auto-accommodate. I'm looking for full-time work at the moment and I keep seeing administrative jobs pop up in my emails and I just have the greatest aversion to these jobs despite the fact that I have over 7 years of administrative experience and am therefore highly qualified for these positions. My aversion, however, stems from the fact that administrative jobs are the kinds of jobs that leave me most open to being taken advantage of without a raise. No bueno. Can't subject myself to that ever again.

[@carrieshayne89]

So there’s a word for what I do with 95% of my life!! Ugh, I rlly needed this video.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here and I"m glad it resonated with you!