Scaring Cis Women

[@wet0wl]

The eternal trans girl struggle of wanting to be a woman but also wanting to be Spider-Man

[@katastorga]

me_irl

[@NeotripARG]

i was literally describing this confusion to my bestie yesterday omg

[@TheaMaddieL]

Ghost spider!

[@lorndarken]

there is spidergwen .

[@nisagomez4366]

It’s Batgirl for me.

[@N4g4r1d3r]

I'm adopting the term "gender fucked up" cause that is how I feel every single day.

[@TheJumboBurrito]

genderfucked is how a lot of my friends describe themselves, it’s a good ambiguous label

[@ФдФ]

genderfuck is actually a gender and its pretty cool

[@Billy.e-k2y]

New pronouns: fucked , up 🏳️‍⚧️

[@Freak80MC]

I'm just plain fucked up, no need to evoke gender lmao

[@samanthaburke2024]

Yes, I like that saying, "of being gender funked up since birth".

[@madig2041]

As a cis girl who is a lesbian I found myself relating a lot to this. Growing up I was never comfortable doing this stuff even without realizing I was gay and now I have to unlearn the internalized homophobia I have (in regards to the fear that you talked about in this video) that I will make my cis straight friends uncomfortable when in reality none of them care

[@homeopathicfossil-fuels4789]

do you experience the compliments being taken weirdly by peers that know you are gay, too? I am asking because I had to tell a friend that I wasnt flirting with her when I was complimenting something about her art taste and clothing style

[@laurawe9055]

@@homeopathicfossil-fuels4789 Still to this day I only feel comfortable genuinely complimenting the women in my friendship circle on how they look, when we both have talked about not being interested in each other, so I can relate!

[@madig2041]

@@homeopathicfossil-fuels4789 I just try to read the situation. With people I am newly out to I won’t compliment them unless they compliment me first and I will only do very surface level compliments to make sure they don’t get uncomfortable. I know I should not be thinking too much about this but unfortunately it takes a lot of time to unlearn the fears I have surrounding making others people uncomfortable. Fortunately though I do have a few friends that I have an established platonic relationship with am know that giving them anything like compliments or physical affection with will not be perceived as advances. It sucks but I think just finding the right people and reading the situation is the best thing to do.

[@homeopathicfossil-fuels4789]

@@madig2041oh thank you for your advice!!!!! I will be mindful of that. I am generally just impulsive, if I enjoy what someone does, or how they look, I say so! I guess it is "risky" especially in my current situation so I am actually happy to know how you do. I would think clothes or tastes in music/art/whatever would be surface level, but showing any affect beyond "ice queen" or any genuine appreciation towards others triggers this.. When I first came out as trans and nobody knew about my sexuality, I was just included as "one of the girls" i.e bunching up on the couch, arm wrapping, banter breakout over random drama, all of that "platonic intimacy" and stuff. Changing together, etc. It didnt really feel creepy or wrong. When they discovered I was "still" attracted to other women the vibe changed entirely. It just kinda sucks because it was genuinely nice just being "casually and asexually intimate" like that, I was their go-to back massage girl, then that got weird. Compartmentalisation failure, maybe?

[@homeopathicfossil-fuels4789]

@@laurawe9055 i had to basically do an entire ted talk about how horrible rebounding is, and she knows I just got out of a toxic relationship and I am trying to repair the damage of social isolation caused by that relationship, so it was actually a bit annoying, especially since she has acted flirty around me before and she outright knows that I consider her too precious as a friend for any sort of "escalation" at this point making it sexual or otherwise seriously and personally intimate with somebody else feels like a form of degredation of a relationship. I just want a "bestie" because I lost mine hitting the wrong puberty.

[@blackdew2]

Ashley's new hair is absolutely 1000% gorgeous.

[@ben0789]

It looks more natural than the black hair

[@patchesPstinkleT]

the day she did it the change made her outfit go even harder

[@SympleeMe81]

I loved the black hair but somehow it's now even better now

[@Zectifin]

its fucking great!

[@LillyValentineFGC]

100% gonna dye my hair to it aswell, I'm so inspired

[@Goldenskies98]

The flip side of this is as a trans man I really miss the intimacy of those friendships. Like I still have it to a degree with the people I knew from before transition but now when I meet women there just isn’t the same level of comfort and it makes me sad.

[@JaelleJaen]

thats actually one of the things i've always really envied about girl friendships as a guy, like men are just so.. distant? like ill be watching a movie with friends and 2 of the girls will just almost be laying on top of each other just because its comfortable. fully platonic etc etc. and i just never see that in friendships between guys and damn i miss that.. At the same time being in more queer spaces i have met some guys who are a bit more open to that and thats been awesome :> And then i started questioning my gender so ill see where this heads lmfao

[@kevinomalley1090]

Hm. Hey, @Goldenskies98 ? Can I ask, how do male friendships... I guess, feel or seem, to you? Sorry if that's a shit question, I'm not trying to be a dick and I'll take it back if you'd rather

[@takeiteasy1133]

Yeah bro you're not alone❤​@@JaelleJaen

[@gumbunch]

@@JaelleJaen physical platonic intimacy is completely lacking in male friendships, i dont think its necessarily wrong but just that it isnt really a thing. this is why I play vrchat--it takes away the social pressure to conform to that stuff

[@Goldenskies98]

@@kevinomalley1090 hmm in my experience most male friendships are more casual? And there’s less intimacy? Maybe that’s not the case for everyone but my closest and most physically affectionate friendships have always been with women

[@aspidoscelis]

The whole "trying not to be a creep" schtick is one of my least favorite things about being perceived as male. The default assumption that men's motives related to women are purely sexual is so deeply ingrained. For some men, it's not that inaccurate, unfortunately. If you aren't one of them & you're perceived as a man, though, you end up with this constant internal background narrative where you second-guess whether or not anything you're doing might be interpreted as creepy, aggressive, etc. It's exhausting and it can create a really damaging self-image.

[@mayaashton6229]

Literally! That whole thing was literally the only thing i could ever cry about until starting hrt. And just to illustrate how bad this problem is, some old guy once harassed me at a park claiming i must be a predator just coz i was sat there having a panic attack in the middle of the night. all i could think was "u only think that coz i look like a guy". It was aweful. Literally cried right in front of that man too, and his response was "cut the waterworks" and threatening me with his dog. I mean, COME ON! Took me years to get over that whole thing enough to go back near that park. ...and only AFTER coming out

[@HunsterMonter]

And unfortunately, until those creepy men stop (or are forced to), women will be wary of men as a whole because we can't know from first impressions if the man we just met is a regular dude or will put you in danger

[@aspidoscelis]

@@HunsterMonter It's a catch-22. That response is both rational and reinforces the problem. So there isn't an easy way out.

[@TheHadMatters]

What I find most frustrating about it is how difficult it makes it to decide when it's okay to be attracted to someone. Like, if you're starting off an interaction as purely platonic, do you have to force it to remain planotic if things become more intimate? The opinions seem so torn between those who want to be desired and conquered (further split into those who actually want something to come from it and those who just want innocent playful attention), seemingly from as many other attractive people as possible, and those who want platonic relationships to remain platonic essentially for good, or only transition very cautiously, if both sides express consent and interest. I don't want to hijack this plantoic-issues comment for my pro-sex issues, but I do think they're closely linked. The less clarity there is about when and how expressing attraction is okay and appreciated, the more difficult it is to identify and trust in purely platonic interactions, too. My personal opinion is that it should be acceptable to initiate flirty conversation in a previously genuinely platonic relationship, as long as you're willing to recognise and respect rejection. More direct consent would be needed before you transition from platonic touch to flirtatious touch. Or if there's a known case of trauma. But the underlying point for me is that we shouldn't let harrassers ruin our ability to develop our relationships by forcing ourselves into boxes. If my friend wants to cuddle platonically, that should be equally possible as letting a friend make a move on me if they've developed feelings; as long as they're willing to deal with a "no."

[@Mothra-yn2nh]

cry me a river ​@zollyy

[@amanofnoreputation2164]

"Leave, monster. You don't belong in this bathroom!" "It was not by my hand that I was wrongly given this flesh. But enough talk -- have at you!"

[@JaneTheLame]

Richter would never be transphobic

[@alpha_c.]

nice pfp

[@RasmusVJS]

"Your words are as empty as your dress! Trans women ill needs a savior such as you!" "What is a trans woman? A not-quite-as-miserable little pile of secrets."

[@acedianihil8208]

From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the Blessed Machine. Your kind cling to your flesh, as though it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass you call a temple will wither, and you will beg my kind to save you. But I am already saved, for the Machine is immortal… Even in death I serve the Omnissiah.

[@chastitywhiterose]

Dracula quotes are always good.

[@vickit8743]

I'm not trans, so I can't necessarily relate to the getting uncomfortable undressing due to having different parts down there, but I do get uncomfortable because of me being bi and not wanting anyone to think I'm wanting something more from them because of me being bi. This video was nice, as it was good to see another person show a similar concern for what's considered platonic in cis/non-cis friendships

[@andrewlord8366]

Huh. I’m an amab transfem lesbian. I was under the assumption that most of the discomfort I felt around women was because of my being trans. But I think what you’ve described is pretty much 90% of the discomfort I feel. It’s really great to know that is just a thing that cis people get when they’re attracted to the gender that their friends are

[@thisolddown]

I never thought it was because I’m trans, I thought it’s because I’m mostly a lesbian. I mean, some medicalized trans lesbians might have a reaction to seeing someone attractive, but it’s highly unlikely. A strait trans masc, yea probably.

[@heheheiamasupahstarchimera631]

@@andrewlord8366 Yea it's a big thing in certain LGBT+ demographics

[@hllyenaylleth9576]

Most people would never know that you are bi

[@vickit8743]

@@hllyenaylleth9576 you do have a point, but if one of my friends or myself are taking off clothes in front of each other, I'd assume that I'd be close enough to them for them to know that I'm bi. I'm not getting nakey in front of strangers lol

[@TekkatV2]

Dude, a month ago I went to a Spa with my bf, and the lady was like "ok but the girl's section is over there" and I just had the most "??????" internal realization that holy shit i pass moment ever. I did feel scared about this subject, though. Being in a bikini with a bunch of cis women made me so fucking anxious despite everyone being nice and apparently not noticing i was trans???? Like, oh God. I was happy, confused and worried, but it was nice.

[@annafilou]

Why would they have separate areas for different sexes in the first place though?

[@TekkatV2]

@@annafilou No clue, apparently the unisex spa was one specific day of the week and we missed it 😶

[@Lurklen]

@@annafilou I'm surprised by this question. (Forgive the explanation if I'm misunderstanding the context of the question.) Not everyone is comfortable being in a space with the opposite sex, particularly in a spa or "undressed" setting. It's traditionally been that way. Those people feel awkward or (much as described in this video) charged, or extra self aware, when in a perceived vulnerable state with members of the opposite sex. For lots of reasons that are both wide spread, and individual. Think about people who have suffered various forms of assault, or who culturally live in more discreetly gendered spaces, or who just feel vulnerable about being observed or judged by members of the opposite sex. When they want to relax, they don't want to have that "extra thing in the back of their head" to think about. It's a comfort thing, and it's a pretty common one. This is something that's come and gone and come back across history. At various points various cultures have been more or less tolerant of unisex facilities, and a lot of that (from my non-expert read of the history) has a lot to do with how they handle sexuality and nudity. If you've got a society that only contextually sexualizes nudity, and has more gender parity in social settings, you tend to get more unisex spaces (in specific contexts, like bathing, or gym use). If you have a society that sees nudity as sexual, you don't. (Though this is a huuge generalization). I'm curious where you're from, or what your experiences are that this seems a foreign concept to you.

[@annafilou]

@@Lurklen Ah, well, it's not that I'm not familiar with the "tradition" of gender segregation in cases where people are typically in a state of undress. But I genuinely don't get it. Statements like “Those people feel awkward … when in a perceived vulnerable state with members of the opposite sex” only give rise to more questions in my head. Like, why would they feel awkward with members of the opposite sex, but *not* with those of the same sex? What difference does it make? Ever since I was little, I remember being expected to feel comfortable being naked around women because "we have the same bits". No we don't! That's like saying we have the "same face" because we're both human. But even if we disregard that, why would having more similar genitals with someone make me comfortable being naked with them (or the opposite)? It doesn't make sense to me. And if anything, gender segregation makes me less comfortable. It often means I'd have to get separated from my boyfriend or male friends. Like, am I somehow supposed to feel more comfortable being naked in a spa with female strangers, than with male friends? 😅 (Obviously no one is forcing me to go to a gender segregated spa or anything like that, so I just don't. I only bring it up because I don't understand why people like that.)

[@Lurklen]

@@annafilou Interesting. For a lot of people, they are used to being naked around other same sex individuals due to it occurring during their upbringing. Often their parent of the same sex, or other people their age in change rooms meant they are exposed pretty early and thus feel at least nominally comfortable. Sadly, a lot of this has to do with the possibility of sexual violence or assault. In same gendered spaces, women in particular, tend to feel safer. And due to the heteronormative practices of many cultures, though everyone doesn't actually have the exact same "bits" lol, in that mindset they aren't of great interest to those around. In other words it's non-sexualized and thus lacks charge. And for many that means it feels either literally safer, or at the least socially safer and less work. As a man, I never felt comfortable in a change room anyways (I'm a socially anxious person, and that never really shuts off, and is only intensified when I feel vulnerable, and dudes--especially young dudes can be really chaotic) but I would have felt waaay more awkward if there had been a girl there. Awkward about her, and awkward _for_ her. Because the context under which I would be naked around a woman is basically only sexual in the larger culture (or medical, which is why some people can still have hangups about mixed gender doctors). And, when you have little exposure, while similar bits may make you uncomfortable, foreign bits can really trip you up and even be upsetting. Now, I'm an adult I'd be far more worried about whether _they_ were comfortable and I'd be able to manage my own feelings just fine, but it would still be awkward. Can I ask--and please feel free not to answer--are you genuinely comfortable being naked around male friends? If so, I'm curious what cultural background engendered this. It's not one most people I know would share. In the modern culture I've met far more people who are just not comfortable being exposed like that around anyone they aren't in an intimate relationship with. Like people _endure_ gendered changing etc. situations, but I don't know anyone who _likes_ it. And I know basically no one who wouldn't be a little flustered changing in a mixed gendered situation with anyone they weren't dating or in a relationship with.

[@zaziezanie6526]

A lot of t-girl in the comments are talking about hoping that advancing in transition helps, or, as Icky says in the video that one kind of surgery or another would maybe help. But for me, once I got genuine good friends that weren't transphobic it has always mainly been a matter of how confident I was. And obviously the transition helped tremendously in that department, but also therapy, and finally talking about that subject with my cis friend made it less awkward. As always communication is really helpful and way more efficient than trying to imagine what's going on in someone else's mind. Also, I discovered that a lot of cis friends could relate to a more awkward relation to intimacy with other girls, as always, remember that nothing is exclusive to trans people. I had cis girl friends who never had the chance to experience intimacy with other girls in friendships and that are weirded out and uncomfortable with this idea now as adults. And finally I must say that, as a lesbian trans women who experienced a lot of loneliness and isolement, it was always hard for me to not consider my female friends (trans or cis) through a romantic or sexual way. There are a lot of reasons for that, as usual it's really complex but part of it was that I was given value through hypersexualisation a lot by cis girls who were seiing me as an experiment while I was searching for genuine connection. It changed a lot when I made more friend and felt as I was a part of groups and community. If I had an advice to give to trans lesbian that struggle with what was discussed in that video is : make platonic girl friends. It truly helps a lot in a lot of area, you need that connection and that solidarity that is really specific to womanhood. (I hope my comment is understandable, English is not my native language)

[@Kiwtastic]

You did good for english not bein your first language nice job ☺️👍🏿

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

So real.

[@julietemily8157]

as a trans woman, it is really hard showing my friends my hours in Overwatch. no doubt it scares away both cis women and men

[@hammerth1421]

Haha yeah, Overwatch is brainrot central. Most of the people playing it either have ADHD, autism, gender identity issues or all of the above, myself included.

[@GayIRL]

LOL relateable

[@Shy3eee]

Women*

[@Helperbot-2000]

Shoulda been TF2 instead 😎

[@urbroz]

Support women with bad taste

[@Ellieh6049]

I absolutely feel this! When I'm with my Cis female friends there's always that little voice at the back of my head like "what if they still think of me as a guy?" Even though they've all accepted me completely, they use my name and pronouns without issue and have literally called me "one of the girls"...I dunno, hopefully the voice will quieten down over time 🏳️‍⚧️♥️

[@samsibbens8164]

I know that gender doesn't (or shouldn't) depend on appearances, but based on your profile picture you're 100% a woman and you shouldn't have to worry about this. Sending you virtual hugs

[@Sadako2602]

I was really hoping this was an early transition thing, you're telling me it doesn't go away even looking as good as you?

[@matildagreene]

@@Sadako2602 Unfortunately, at least in my experience it doesn't really go away, it just gets less intrusive. I'm about 2.5 years on E atm. It helps if you have cis female friends who didn't know you before you transitioned, since people find it harder to gender you incorrectly if they've always known you as your true gender

[@Aurora_Ultima]

It only really quiets down when you learn to accept yourself & discard internalized junk, but part of it remains as a latent survival mechanism. Six years on HRT. It's not that I'm seen as a guy, but there's a lot of expression that is genderless, & I remember how I felt from different perspectives. It gets muddled, & how people see me is muddled as well. Not a dude, even one of the girls, but surely not an archetype of girlhood. This is mostly due to my cohort though. I was born in 1985. HRT is magic, & it leaves me in this odd limbo. My peers have kids & careers, many came to trans acceptance through the lens of parenthood, & it's lovely, but they don't know what to do with me. So much of lived experience has been cut off, muddled. I could agonize about waiting 12 years to medically transition once I knew myself, but even then I didn't think I was allowed to be a woman. I knew how it was then, but I had no idea hormones could changes things so profoundly. My grandparents were not openly racist, yet they held certain prejudices that they could not abandon on a fundamental level. It's that way with every generation, & it's not really until early Gen Z that you see widespread peer acceptance, trans icons & role models, people learning to accept early on before any sort of societal ethic is enforced. I am myself. I'm feminine, heck if I put in the effort I can be drop dead gorgeous. I do still feel boyish at times, even masculine. Seeing younger trans girls feels just as strange internally as cis women who got it & know how to flaunt it. Sometimes they think I'm around their age, but there's such a gap in experience. We can be friendly, but the bond is ionic because our essential elements were forged in very different fires. The opportunities I had back in the day came at such a physical & emotional cost, & it leaves me in this odd bubble here in the Midwest. I'm an elder, yet I feel like I understand myself so much less in fundamental ways. I don't know if understanding myself better will quiet the dysphoria, but that's the quest of life, isn't it?

[@sherbetron]

I guarantee your friends don't even think about it When one of my trans friends talks about her time in an all boys highschool it takes me a second to remember that she's amab

[@realryal]

"Puberty hit - but we don't know which one" As a fellow genderfluid on HRT, I feel this statement

[@chrisbfreelance]

Each person can only experience one puberty.

[@thepotatoportal69]

@@chrisbfreelance Blatantly, factually, literally, physically incorrect

[@chrisbfreelance]

@@thepotatoportal69 What?

[@brynion2117]

@@chrisbfreelance people on HRT actually do experience a second puberty, even if they are already above normal puberty age. no matter how you view the person, that is fact. thats why trans women grow boobs naturally and become more feminine and trans guys start to become more masculine and some will even grow a full beard naturally

[@chrisbfreelance]

@brynion2117 They do not experience a second puberty, men can develop more breast tissue with naturally occurring higher levels of estrogen, but never develop full functioning breasts like that of a woman. A man could take testosterone and gain muscle mass but isn't experiencing a second puberty. And that's without the sexual reproductive organs being taken into consideration.

[@enso8379]

Yeah this is totally relatable. Like I go through life worrying about if my presence makes other people uncomfortable so I go out of my way to try and avoid situations like that. Public bathrooms are terrifying.

[@sage595]

I've only recently discovered that I'm trans (not even done social yet) but I've always felt this. I do have a feeling it's not related to my gender however, I think I'm just basic fucked up not gender fucked up.

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

This is why I just stay dehydrated at all times.

[@Queen_Olivene]

As a newer trans woman I've seen the switch in female friends as i pass and change more and more. Where their level of comfort and to embrace female friendship with me. While my understanding of female friendhsips and experiencing it with them has changed my perspective on it as you said. Absolutely great video thank you Icky, really putting words to feelings in my brain rotted head as well ❤

[@marilyntranson]

After transitioning saying “I love you” on the phone platonically as a good bye with my female friends is so good

[@NefliteX]

OMG, I know exactly how Ashley feels about changing with women. Story time. I went to the beach with a cis girlfriend at the beginning of the summer. We were sharing a bathroom stall to change. I felt okay pulling off my top and bra but SO self-conscious pulling off my panties. She had to reassure me that it was okay and she was comfy around me.

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

I undressed completely in front of one of my cis female friends (out of necessity though, we got covered in ticks after a hike) and she didn’t mind

[@kirireyn]

i will forever be astounded by icky's hair. the color is so pretty! but also who cuts her hairs??? i have never seen bangs like that cut that well. asdfghjkl i literally want to steal her hair

[@RadioactiveSludge]

Genuinely on the verge of tears at this because anyone I tell about wishing the intimate thing would casually happen says that I’m a boy or whatever and I just can’t fucking handle this shit and someone else mentioning it makes me so accepted

[@RadioactiveSludge]

Oopsie oopsie guys I got a bit heated

[@heheheiamasupahstarchimera631]

That's both rude to you specifically and ignorant of how boys are capable of handling intimacy

[@matthewv9169]

​@@heheheiamasupahstarchimera631 fully read this as rude of you for 30 seconds and almost popped off lol

[@rumblin_cynth_rampo374]

I transitioned (mtf) 30 odd years with bottom surgery 25 years ago. Its only in the past 7 years that I have become comfortable in the company of women. I didnt want to seem to forward or to affectionate towards women in case my actions were misinterpreted. This got me a rep of being cold and standoffish which made making close friends hard. Men I am still wary of possibly as I have seen them at their worst (14 years in Brit Army will do that). In the last 4 years I have realised none of my friends care about me being trans. A few of them have told me they are worried about upsetting me with what they think are inappropriate questions or actions. Now everyone gets friendly hugs

[@andrewlord8366]

I totally agree with Ashley’s point that most of your cis fem friends probably don’t care at all, I had a female friend at work before I came out and I didn’t even come out to her, I just started wearing normal bras (to where most people wouldn’t even notice) and she immediately started calling me by female pronouns completely unprompted. It didn’t change anything about our relationship other than she seemed to actually be a bit more comfortable around me. Having a friend that you really care about and really want them to be okay with who you are, just immediately do that is so affirming it’s crazy. Her unwavering support and completely unchanged treatment of me as soon as she found out how I identified is one of the only reasons I felt comfortable transitioning socially at all. She is pretty much the only reason that I ever felt comfortable going out and dressing in feminine clothes and coming out to people

[@sociallyineptsnapper]

As an AFAB.. this whole thing with cis women being ‘platonically intimate’ has actually always made me extremely uncomfortable, and you get singled out if you’re uncomfortable by it. Honestly I don’t know why it’s normalized to make fun of someone for not wanting to get nude with your friends and being touched inappropriately.

[@DieAlteistwiederda]

I'm also afab and same, even now in my early 30s people still get weird sometimes when I'm just not comfortable with some of the things people do. Like I'm comfortable with them doing it in general and with each other and don't care at all I just don't want to participate. I appreciate everyone who accepts me for how and who I am and let me do my thing however I'm comfortable. I'm ok with the touchy feely stuff but only sometimes and only with a few select people and on my own accords. I have friends who know to let me do the first step like when it comes to hugging and it's nice to finally have that. Only took decades to find that.

[@courtneyisaseagull]

That must be so uncomfortable! I have one very close cis woman friend who is SUPER against being touched without her verbal consent first. We met as kids and it took me a long time to learn how to take a step back and let her exist without physical contact, but now I understand and we are still great friends. I hope you're able to make some close friends who are able to respect your personal boundaries.

[@sociallyineptsnapper]

@@DieAlteistwiederda I’m personally fine with hugging / hand holding / sitting together as I am a very touchy person but any sort of nudity/kissing/straight up groping is way past the line for me. Had people kick me out of my own room because they wanted to get undressed with each other and I did not. I don’t understand why people are like this and I’m sorry you have to go through it too. (To clarify, totally understand and respect if others aren’t touchy-feely)

[@sociallyineptsnapper]

@@courtneyisaseagull A lot of my friends are queer and neurodivergent now so we get along better haha.

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

Me personally I don't mind being platonically intimate with my friends like that, I don't mind being naked in front of a few of them, but everyone has different lines that they don't wanna cross. It's important to respect the boundaries of others.

[@ItsRanu-]

New quote “shiver me timbers”

[@DavoReds]

That's some old timey pirate stuff

[@CuddleCakez]

I prefer "scissor me timbers"

[@nathalie111]

For me it did go away with bottom (and top) surgery. A lot brainrot went away with those surgeries, and it had such a big impact on my life. I honestly didn't think it would have a lot of impact on my life, because I didn't look different with clothes on, and that's how I spend the majority of my life, but I've noticed so much changing. People respond to me differently, it was much easier to make contact (both intimate and platonic). In hindsight it was my confidence going up, making me more open, but at the time I was so surprised! Disclaimer: effects of every transition step are different for everyone, this is my personal experience and purely anecdotal, your mileage may vary.

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

I personally don’t want bottom surgery but I still get that nagging feeling that I won’t be accepted by other women for it.

[@samthecowboy]

i’ve thought about this topic a lot and i think one of the reasons women are socialized to be more chill with each other naked or other things like that is also a function of patriarchy? like it stems from the idea that oh yea of course i can kiss my friend “platonically” because we’re both girls and girls cant be gay for each other haha. but tbh idk relationships are complicated im just yapping

[@TrashDragon89]

no you're totally right

[@mees.cequre]

maybe even more to the side of: men cant show emotions or they are called gay, so they cannot really 'support' eachother like that?

[@RasmusVJS]

Hypothesis spitting here, but maybe female sexuality is seen as less dangerous and exploitative, so a woman wanting to be intimate with another woman nonsexually isn't seen as pervers, but a man doing the same thing is? Or maybe, because sexuality is mostly framed from the cishet man's perspective, female-on-female intimacy is given the same preferential treatment that lesbians get over gay men? I dunno, probably a mixture of a lot of smaller stuff, idk.

[@CharlotteSWeb-oh7ou]

It definitely comes from patriarchy, the kind that pretends women cannot commit real or significant harm. That women (trans or cis) do not deserve privacy from other women is a form of misogyny.

[@lichtsprecher]

Multiple countries have histories specifically legislating against male homosexuality, but basically ignoring female sexuality entirely, so there are deep cultural roots for these differences

[@danielschraven5900]

Look, as a cis-man(tm) the lack of platonic intimacy is pretty fucked up. I think it's a generational thing. I'm lucky to have friends where wholesome masculinity, hugging, and body positivity is the norm... but there are SOOOO many guys who simply cannot do that with any of their friends regardless of gender. Teaching men, in general, about platonic intimacy is going to solve a LOT of toxic behavior... or at least I think so... But it's going to take everybody to fix it, not just men.

[@vodkaboy]

you miss promiscuity ?

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

I wholeheartedly agree on this.

[@user-qp4th3ij7z]

As a trans guy I thought it was interesting that I have the girl friendships with both girls and guys, like hanging out naked or in underwear, showering or having baths together, giving little kisses, sleeping in the same bed etc. Actually I distinctly remember being uncomfortable getting undressed around my girl friends when I was younger, because I was worried I would make them uncomfortable somehow just by existing. It’s not so much a thing now though. Liberate yourself. Have wholesome and wholehearted, loving relationships with your friends. Go on silly platonic dates and hold hands and give each other gifts and raahhh I do not regret a second of that time I have spent making my friends feel loved and worthwhile.

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

Fr, I love platonic intimacy. I've unfortunately never platonically kissed or slept in the same bed or bathed together with my friends but we heart react each other's texts a lot. I’ve also been in my underwear around quite a few of my friends, and in one or two cases just full on naked.

[@evrypixelcounts]

I don't have any friends to be uncomfortable around

[@logipilot]

same, i don t have any friends

[@ASpaceOstrich]

I'll be your friend stranger. You can be uncomfortable around me if you like.

[@logipilot]

@@ASpaceOstrich Feeling a little uncomfortable already!

[@ASpaceOstrich]

@@logipilot Happy to help.

[@arbitarious]

Same :(

[@tinyaxes]

From a trans masc pov I have always felt uncomfy with my body and other cis women's bodies and I still get shocked at how comfortable women are around other women and can be but there are def a lot of factors in social settings we can overthink. Overall communication is the best so that no one feels weird about anything/no one is shamed for how they act naturally. oh also I get so happy to have cis guy friends and it sucks when they develop feelings cause I just want a male friendship and I feel like they don't accept me as a guy so that also affects my brain hella.

[@dpadamm]

damn right. im bi but i have that little voice in my head thinking my male friends who might like me are attracted to the afab parts of me, so i feel i cant make any real connections with people. also other afabs (cis or transmales) bodies makes me uncomfortable because it just reminds me of my own. 💔💔

[@jetbuilder]

I definitely feel like I was deprived of emotional connections when I was a kid. I wanted the close emotional friendships girls had, but growing up in the 90s, I was brainwashed by media to supress my emotions -_-

[@Evil_Morty79]

As long as she doesn't leave spider-man for a guy named paul. I think icky having MJ vibes is cool.

[@LaraMauk]

Yeah like “no babe I wasn’t hitting on you, i was just being a genuine person. But thanks for showing me what you think of me”

[@Despaxis]

I definitely experienced this feeling. This imposter syndrome of "I don't belong in here" or "They think I don't belong on here." What helped tremendously was an experience a few years ago at a comic convention. I was washing my hands in a busy lady's washroom when a woman in a lovely costume came up next to me at the sink and without missing a beat, she turned and asked me if I could help zip her up. She wore this amazing gown as part of her costume but the back zipper had tulle lining it all the way up. No way she could do it herself without ruining the tulle. So I helped her out. That let me know that I was okay in that space.

[@jPup_]

7:16 finally we get the technical terminology

[@IsuiGtz]

This. F1nnally the controversy is over. We know for sure at long last.

[@felixbonnet6639]

Icky with Maryjane’s hair looks absolutely gorgeous 💖

[@aino8958]

this video made me really thoughtful! i’m a cis woman who strangely has never felt comfortable getting undressed in front of my friends. but for me i think it has to do with me being pan and being worried that my cis friends will find themselves feeling uncomfortable being around *me* however i now got a group of other queers and so after 3 years of friendship i am able to change a top in the same room. and these are also the first people i have been comfortable cuddling with based on how much i (in this disgustingly privileged position) have been thinking about this topic, i can only thank you for talking about how it feels like for you! ❤

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

God I feel this. I'm way more comfortable undressing now than I used to be.

[@sandwichqueen]

Honestly, I feel that. I am demigender as well, so there is a bit of disconnect there too. It's something that drilled into your conscious as something bad. I still feel weird when someone else uses the bathroom next to me even though that's where I belong.

[@spacebutterfly2873]

To be fair, I'm bisexual afab, and I also feel super awkward initiating casual platonic intimacy with female friends, because I'm scared they're going to think I have non-platonic intentions. I hug my male and female friends but I only have one friend who I trust enough to know they're not going to suspect anything if I ask to hold hands. I also got bullied in school by all the other girls and didn't share any of those female bonding moments though, so I guess I'm not the norm. I do also think it's really terribly sad how any affection by amab people is seen as having an "intent", though. I felt uncomfortable around amab people for a long time, but once I learnt more and became conscious of it, I started really making an effort to hug my male friends and treat them the same way I treat my female friends, ask them how they're feeling have real conversations with them instead of just banter ect. The patriarchy sucks for everyone fr.

[@aino8958]

!!!!! i relate to this so much and you definitely worded it better than i did

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

I feel the same way but sometimes I actually have non-platonic (mostly sexual) feelings towards some of my friends so that makes me feel extra guilty and shitty. I’m also a trans woman so add imposter syndrome on top of that.

[@knowledge_leaf]

"I'm Gender-Fucked-Up" Goes SO HARD LMAO

[@yourgirlkafka]

2 Things, First is that the undressing feeling won't go away with Bottom Surgery, as your brain rot will tell you that they will look at it and thing it is weird or false, even if it's not and Secondly, personally I know I have Cis Female Friends that wouldn't mind at all in all these things, we definitely could kiss platonic, but they have Cis male Boyfriends that won't see me as their female friend, but instead as the male friend that wants to be addressed differently, so these things won't work out, regardless of how the situation is...

[@jeneral2234]

it’s interesting how intertwined sexuality and gender are on this subject. because the fear of making your cis female friends uncomfortable as a trans woman seems surprisingly similar to what i + other lesbos experienced growing up. trying to constantly not overstep while still craving those intimate platonic relationships with The Girls. there’s an implicit level of trust that exists between The Girls, regardless of sexuality or sex, and it’s hard to get over the fear that you’re breaking that trust by just existing. but in almost every situation (in my experience) it hasn’t actually mattered and the anxiety is completely unfounded. now, letting myself be comfortable around The Girls has made me realize how much I was missing out on by being in my head.

[@jade_0_moon]

I’m also really not used to this type of platonic friendships, but I recently got some really good experiences that helped me with that. Friends and I did a sleepover in which we traded clothes we didn’t want anymore, and it was fun and also super relax even though we were all changing in front of each others. I thought it would make a big deal, but not at all. Also having intimacy such as holding hands or hugging a friend is so great, it really gave me more confidence in myself.

[@the_qa_guy]

Thank you for this video! I'm a genderqueer man and probably not trans (I think) but this video made me feel seen so much. I yearn for this level of feminine friendship and platonic intimacy that you mentioned. There's one friend who almost makes me feel that way and until I heard you say it I couldn't properly put in words why her friendship and the way she acts in my presence means so much to me. I get that my perspective is different from that of a trans woman, I just wanted to add that others can feel like that as well. Since I'm still a man in every sense the "creep" feeling is even worse

[@longliverocknroll5]

As a guy who plays sports, I kind of forget that taking a shower in a room designed for multiple naked people of the same-sex isn’t a thing everybody did at least once a week for multiple years.

[@Helperbot-2000]

Uh what? Doesnt eveeyone do that after gym class where you live?

[@longliverocknroll5]

@@Helperbot-2000 No, not all schools. My high school had two showers, one communal and one with stalls and they actually closed the communal one after first year. I’ve also spoken to some British people (I’m Canadian) that didn’t have communal showers.

[@Helperbot-2000]

@@longliverocknroll5 huh, thats interresting, im norwegian and all ive seen are communal ones

[@cubeicalwisdom7982]

Part 1 - Love the new hair ICKY! its gorgeous. Part 2 - I've had discomfort anytime there is an activity considered intimate when its with platonic friends: holding hands, getting changed (especially kissing) was always taught to me as the domain of a romantic relationship, and even up to the day I came out as non-binary I wasn't hugely comfortable in the male changing room or even male toilets. Maybe that's because I am also Bi, but I had to mask and "get over myself" in order to function in such a space. Since coming out I've always used stalls and any private space I can. The concept cis friends (typically cis-female ones) do this without that discomfort blows my mind entirely. I also suspect being AuDHD and overthinking everything adds to this discomfort and the perception others might think you pervy or creepy.

[@cornstarch8506]

0:39 nice jk Rowling mold reference

[@User023]

I totally relate with the brain rot. It has been a challenge to overcome it. Thank you for being vulnerable.

[@Special_Sharpie]

8:10 This video really voices a lot of what I have been struggling with recently. Its nice to know people out there understand how I feel! Also your hair is super pretty!

[@YMilkshake]

I love how Ashley's telling such a wholesome story and Finn's just being a goblin

[@XRottenAngelX]

I'm not trans. I don't like any clichés either. But I think it's nice how Ashley and Finn treat each other. How they complement each other. How serious they are about important topics. But they also spread good cheer and are up for any fun. There are so many couples who don't get along at all, who don't really fit together. Ashley and Finn are so harmonious and loving with each other. Every other couple could learn a thing or two from them. Stay the way you are. I love you both. You are the Best. Much Love from Germany ❤

[@sarahrichards1281]

As a trans girl, my best friend is cis and the comfortable closeness we share really has helped healed some of the lack of closeness with other women I lost out on when younger. Like just both being comfortable laying with each other on a couch or changing in front of eachother without any awkwardness or uncomfortablilty.

[@NotCubeAtAll]

That’s painful. I always feel like girl treat me differently and it’s very VERY painful. I’m kind of jealous of your experience but I also don’t want to feel like a creep. Like I really want to do girls do together, but I can’t since I’m „not really a girl” Edit: at this point it’s just venting, but I don’t really have any real friends that accept me as I am, therefore I don’t really feel seen. I feel like all girls just see me as a guy and I will never feel better. I’ll always be the „TRANS girl” instead of „a girl”.

[@satanism_rocks]

hey, you're probably just hanging out with the wrong crowd, I hope you find people who respect you for who you are soon

[@h4b3e1n9b0Rn]

i just love the wholesome and funny vibe ur videos offer. had a smile throughout the entire video from either laughing with you or smiling of wholesomeness

[@claid6967]

I feel this a lot. i've avoided real friendships because i feel i dont fit in anywhere.

[@nebulaswirl]

I feel so much like I'll never experience this. I don't know how to make friends.

[@Sadako2602]

As an early trans woman, trust me. I suck at it too, but for some reason it is weirdly easier once they know you are trans. Not like, tell everyone, but like, if you see someone cool for a while, tell them, I've done this with my coworkers and they went from not even looking at me to going to my classrom to say hi and inviting me to lunch.

[@eyelessartist5963]

I'm cis but I totally relate to feeling weird around other women changing, probably because I'm bi. Like I'll have a friend just start changing in front of me so we can go out and I'll be in the corner just staring at the wall lmao, even in elementary school it felt weird changing with all the other girls.

[@loreleixo]

I really deeply felt this Icky, being in similar situations has absolutely left me feeling simultaneously a little healed and little bewildered, and a lot of my remaining dysphoria these days comes from my own self-policing and subsequent personal disappointment and shame that I let my fear and fear of transphobia become basically self-directed and limiting internalised transphobia, for all intents and purposes. I'm really glad you made this video, even if I seem to be in the minority, and I think this is an important convo we need to have more as trans and cis women together. Thank you for having the strength to share such personal vulnerable moments Icky! It really does make a difference and not many other creators manage to do the same in the same way xo

[@Slightlyburnttoasty]

as a trans guy its like the opposite lol. like i grew up like changing in front of my friends and holding hands with them and shit but now that im transitioning i have to remind myself that i cant do all those things cuz they can come off as creepy now

[@JonatanNoponen]

Thank you this video! This one, along with the "Transitioning Icks" video, made me feel really seen and understood and helped me feel like I'm not the only one thinking or feeling these things.

[@Mex_Luigi]

This is actually a super relatable and helpful video I think. I'm amab myself and like I feel like I'd never feel comfortable to do any of those things around any woman regardless, cis or trans

[@JD-ub5ic]

I was once texting a girlfriend in high school and asked what she was doing, and she just casually mentioned that her and her 2 female friends were all just casually waxing eachothers junk and that it was just easier to do it together because it's so hard to reach your ass and such alone. As a guy, and being bi, it just blew my mind to an insane degree. Like first, being comfortable with your friends seeing you naked, insane. Second, letting them actually touch you, insaner. Third, waxing is an intimate experience you have to get up in there like face and fingers to junk, insanist. Then on top of all that, being a bi teenager and all the hormones that involves, the idea of it being strictly platonic and not having to try and hide secret crushes on your attractive friends... just such a different dynamic than anything I knew could even exist. I 100% get where you're coming from about the platonic shower, more than a decade later and frankly I still can't even imagine that level of intimacy in a platonic friendship. It's no wonder guys can be so emotionally stunted..

[@Frownlandia]

I had an idea about toxic masculinity, that (attractive) women get stuck being merely the context for male vulnerability. That being close to a woman has become the only way for a lot of men and boys to get permission to actually acknowledge the basic human needs of intimacy and just the ability to be present with themselves. But you're told vulnerability is weakness, so women are a threat, but also them not being responsible for your needs is a feminist conspiracy, etc... Meanwhile, women can just be close to their friends. I don't think I'm an egg, I think I just want that.

[@juul-fuul]

omg i can relate to this a lot as a cis lesbian, especially as a gender fucky masc lol. it took me a long time to get over it, but i used to be sososo terrified of coming across as creepy to women. like when i was in school i always changed in bathroom stalls and stared at the floor anytime i was in a locker room it was such a deeply ingrained thing that even when i was really young and thought i was straight, i had anxiety about girls somehow misinterpreting something i did or said and thinking i was a lesbian

[@BreatheForAMoment]

Holy shit! Ashley got Cousin Itt to discuss trans issues. That’s crazy

[@flora7.7]

cousin itt, genderfucked representation

[@The_Future_isnt_so_Bright]

Ben is a true friend Ashley . A true bro.

[@Datura-b3m]

Icky, this is probably your most relatable video for me so far! Most of my co-workers are men, but another department in my workplace is the opposite and I wanted so badly to make friends with the women there! But I came out very recently and don't pass at all and I'm always very self conscious about not being able to perform "proper femininity" in front of them. Another thing is just how I've been thinking recently that many of my teenage years crushes I had on some of my best (cis girl) friends actually stemmed from wanting the same level of intimacy that they had with each other but was unachievable to me since I "was a guy"!

[@zuzaaa1998]

This is so relatable, I often feel a little bit uncomfortable around cis female friends because of this internalised transphobia and thinking that in reality they think that I'm a guy and feel uncomfortable

[@Airship007Johnston]

Having a weird cis girl friend that bites you will heal the trauma of lost girlhood

[@DepressedLaughter]

This hits hard, a couple weeks ago I was out with some female friends and a few of them all started making out with each other, and I truly had no idea how to view myself or how they viewed me in that scenario. Can I hop in? Am I just a spectator? Am I weird for watching? All things a cis girl likely wouldn't have to think about

[@amyheartsyou]

Icky's new hair is freaking beautiful.

[@JSG-YT]

Ashley's facial expression at 2:15 is absolutely top tier, I predict many a meme on the Reddit

[@stress_tess]

I've been thinking about this exact feeling for the last 2 weeks!! Even the "will it go away with bottom surgery question". It's nice to know it's not just a me thing!

[@ajsteffen41]

It is slightly easier with bottom surgery, but that might just be less dysphoria. The fear of just "being a creep" is real strong. I will say I have spent a lot of time grieving the loss of growing up a girl and while I have better relationships with women now it is painful to think of those socializing events being missed. As for compliments, I do feel more comfortable with doing so now and receiving them has also been super encouraging. It was a surprise to me from the very start how women would compliment my outfit or just say "you look very lovely today." "I love your dress! Where did you get it?" "Your curls are so cute!" I do my best to reciprocate, but it is a challenge not feeling like a creep even though it seems quite normal.

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

Me who has no bottom dysphoria: "Well shit"

[@justatransnoibat3507]

This is so wild to me. I didn’t know female friendships were that close, I just thought it was the same as with guys

[@Lyx.Minxxy]

This is way too relatable. Like I remember hugging a friend for the first time, and I felt super uncomfortable even tho it also was nice. Idk I hope it gets easier when I am further into my transition (haven't even gotten a diagnosis yet, kinda)

[@FrostyShadowYT]

Not everyone hugs their friends? I thought this was pretty universal regardless of gender.

[@JaneTheLame]

A lot of men don't because they're scared of "being seen as gay"

[@Lyx.Minxxy]

@@FrostyShadowYT sure, but it's a lot less common for guys to hug eachother. Also it was just an example out of many situations that end in the same thing.

[@FrostyShadowYT]

@@JaneTheLame huh maybe I just never hung around fragile men :v

[@lilyrosel]

Thank you so much for being able to word and verbalize what goes through my head sometimes when I'm with cis friends

[@ramblinevilmushroom]

that web effect was way too good! goated editor!

[@rijaws]

"Stay off of 4chan", lol too late for me, save yourselves

[@brisky3252]

honestly 4tran gets a bad rep but its really not as bad as people say. yes theres brainworms but people are generally just more "real" there than other trans spaces. being trans can suck, a lot. and everywhere else on the internet is flooded with this toxic false positivity which feels really alienating tbh

[@arbitarious]

@@brisky3252well the transphobia is the least of my concerns. I’m more worried about all the other bigotry lol

[@zelda_smile]

does that Blancherd guy really know what's up?

[@rijaws]

I wouldn't know, even as a 4channer, that's too much brainrot for me.

[@a70r]

not knowing how to be a person hits hard af

[@AlexandraBryngelsson]

I understand exactly started HRT in 2007 and still get this feeling sometimes!

[@VaanOtacon]

This is still and anxiety that hits me hard. I had a dream some time back where I went to an onsen with a group of my female friends and nobody had a problem with it or was uncomfortable (including me) and when I woke up I couldn't help but cry a bit at the realization that despite how happy that platonic experience was that it would likely never happen. Even in the scenario that everybody else in the world got chill as hell REAL fast I would never be able to be fully comfortable. I would be so focused on trying not to appear out of place to avoid making people uncomfortable that I would be uncomfortable.

[@underfire319]

About to send this video to my cis AFAB friends and only say "This thought process occupies at least 50% of my brainpower on any given day."

[@azuquirtle]

I could never imagine doing anything slightly intimate with my guy friends says Finn, who went on a date with his cis male friend as a cis male

[@saintsocramnymaia5511]

For content, not in private

[@andrewlord8366]

See, I’ve felt all of these things with everyone since I can remember. Now I’m transitioning, I feel way more comfortable around men now and slightly more comfortable around women

[@magikenn]

Afab. I didn't have a problem changing around girls until I realized I like women. All throughout high school, I would go to the restroom to change for gym class cause I thought it would be inappropriate for me to do it in the locker room.

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

I (Pan trans woman) would change in the boys' bathroom separate from either locker room because of dysphoria and not knowing if I would be allowed in the girls' locker room

[@jankhambrams]

I greatly appreciate this video! As an amab, agender person who is a softer sort of masculine, I feel less alone in wanting to have more of this sort of platonic closeness with my friends, especially those who are women or otherwise might be generally uncomfortable about that. It's a complicated thing in a messed up culture that's incredibly frustrating. Masculinity has so much screwed up stuff around and about it, and it's exhausting!

[@SimplyMavAgain]

tbf, the "weird" feeling around women isn't much different as a guy because you're always thinking about how "You'll never be one of them... :(" which is an extremely normal thought to have and not indicative of any deeper incongruities, don't worry about it.

[@Airship007Johnston]

friend experiences are so important to the mental part of transition. Loved doing silly stuff with girls in college

[@amanofnoreputation2164]

I once said something sentimental to a guy I was friends with and he just stared at me for several seconds as if trying to figure out if I was gay or not before deciding the coast was clear (or something) and he can awakwardly accept my warmth towards him.

[@ConchobearMusic]

Saw the hair color change on Insta and thought it was nice but I liked the darker hair better or equally but your hair looks so good in this video that I think I'm a perma fan of it this way.

[@Magnagirl-h1l]

As a trans woman, someone with weight issues and an introvert, I've never been comfortable with anyone outside of my intimate female partners seeing me exposed. I don't think my partners and other female friends are the mostly the same way. I've never spent much time around hypothetically "normal" people. Most of the people I've known have had complicated issues. I did enjoy Ashley's perspective on the subject.

[@heheheiamasupahstarchimera631]

The compliment fear is so real. I tried learning to compliment self-consciousness-expressing friends the way my (girl, which was apparently relevant) friends complimented each other, back when I wasn't out as transfem, but I'd get a funny look from a certain present mutual friend (or worse) each time because apparently I wasn't supposed to be talking like that yet. Being treated as flirtatious and/or perverted for trying to be social is haunting. What was I supposed to say, "yea you should feel bad about how your face looks tonight because it's ugly"?

[@blaireshoe8738]

Wait, PEOPLE JUST SHOWER WITH THEIR FRIENDS SOMETIMES????????????????????? This unlocked a memory! In high school, the girls' locker room had divided showers with solid curtains to make them individual and actually private, but the boys' showers had the same setup except without curtains. SO bizarre. And now I'm wondering if girls in other schools had curtain-free locker room showers growing up, which might make sharing seem more normal 😅

[@annafilou]

That's so weird 😂 Either curtains for everyone or no one.

[@ninyaninjabrifsanovichthes45]

Wait this is a thing people do with their friends???? On god?!!!!

[@palemoonsovereign4142]

the way this video is filmed finn is sitting further back and he looks like half the size of ashley I can't not notice it now like look at 6:42

[@ryan_1314]

Omg I feel this so much!!!! I struggle with internalized transphobia a lot due to the content I consumed when I was younger (tip for babytrans, do *not* read the comments under transphobic posts!!!). Due to my constant consumption of transphobia, as well as enforced masculine upbringing, being in public becomes a nightmare full of anxiety and jealousy. As early as middle school I remember seeing the other girls and thinking "look at them, they're all pretty, you'll never be like them no matter how hard you try." No matter if at school, at a dance, in band, everywhere I looked was a reminder that I'm destined not have what they have. Even though most of my friends were girls, it was always a distant friendship, even guys never were platonic with me since I'm bi. People tolerated me, but I never had anyone I could come to for support, or go hang out with. Nowadays whenever I see girls hanging out together, I get sad knowing I never did that. To this day I struggle to find any semblance of my authentic self buried under enforced social standards. Ever since I could remember I wasn't allowed to be anything remotely feminine. No being exited, no liking cute things, no dancing, no dressing up, no cheeryness, just be male and feel numb. I also struggle with thinking I'm a creep like you described. No matter what I always see myself as a big dumb thundering oaf who intrudes women's spaces for my sick fantasies. A few of my friends have suggested doing a girl's night out, and even though they're completely accepting I feel like an imposter who doesn't belong with them. This past spring/summer I did drum corps (touring competitive marching band) and they were supportive of trans people, so I was able to be out while there. Despite that I felt like I wasn't worthy of being treated as trans. I felt greedy for asking for shower accommodations like the other trans members. One time I was assigned a private time block in the female showers, but I literally didn't go in until one of my female friends checked that it was empty. I felt like an ogre whenever I wore a sports bra because because every woman in the hornline was built smaller and more feminine than me. I ended up getting sent home early for SH. Sorry for the rant. I just want to not be scared anymore. I'm tired of this hypermasculine body. I just want it all to go away.

[@annafilou]

That's so sad. I'm sure a lot of it is "in your head", and I say that not to belittle you, but to tell you maybe you don't need to be so afraid. Everyone is built differently and your body does not define you. Also you didn't choose it, so there's no reason to be ashamed. If someone is offended by your mere existence, that's their problem.

[@kwest_ng]

This was so helpful for me personally. I didn't even realize I needed to hear this, but I needed to hear this.

[@raypals4468]

Personally, I just don't like dressing or changing in front of anyone. Period. Me and My best friends an example are close but I don't feel like he would be comfortable seeing extra skin of me and I don't feel comfortable seeing any of his extra skin.

[@nixonstars]

Yeah, I feel this, even as a afab nonbinary person. I have always felt so uncomfortable changing or hugging or showing any kind of affection to my cis female friends because of something. Im not completely sure what causes it, since I was socialized as a girl and pretty much continue to be pretty feminine, its just a weird voice in the back of your head that tells you you can t be apart of this. Loved the video Ashley!

[@annafilou]

I think how comfortable you are with those things depends on which signal you perceive as the strongest: the one you get from the people that are close to you or the one you get from society.

[@RSW6666]

As a Californian I grew up in the "Hot Tub Culture" where bathing suits were always optional. Sure there were comments and horseplay but it never went any further.

[@curiousteddie]

Oh as a cis lesbian I 100% get this struggle. I've never shared a shower with a female friend, I'm always really really private about undressing in front of friends, and high school locker rooms terrified me, all because I'm so scared of being misconstrued as predatory just for doing things that are apparently normal for other girls to do!