Secretly Dating a Fat Woman...

[@Teeeeeeener]

There is nothing wrong with having a type, fat, skinny, muscles, short, tall, whatever. There is something wrong with hiding a relationship due to the shame of being with a fat person. People who want to flirt or be intimate with a fat person and keep it a secret are self hating. My advice to someone who doesn't want to be seen with a "fatty" is, don't approach them, don't waste their time, leave them alone and let them find someone who isn't ashamed to be with them. Fat people, or anyone outside of standard beauty norms are not "grateful" for your attention, they are harmed by it because "you" are disingenuous and two-faced.

[@vanivari359]

There is a difference between self hate, insecurity and caring about other peoples opinion to much. And it requires a giant amount of "personality" to not care at all about other peoples opinion, especially ACTUALLY not caring, not just pretending like you don't care. Caring about other peoples opinion is deeply programmed into our personality in hundreds of thousands of years of evolution because it kept us alive and still helps us get along better in modern days. That does not disappear in a couple years. And liking somebody you are not physically attracted too is also against our biological programming (especially men), you have to fight your instincts and viewers of this channel should know that this is not as easy as it sounds. Maybe it takes time, but yeah, being on the other side of that can be pretty toxic even if you pretend to not care.

[@maenad1231]

It’s not always self-hating. Sometimes it’s ego-based. People with a healthy ego don’t have a unhealthy fear of humiliation (from: being judged, being mocked, being assumed to be settling for the best you can get, being viewed as inferior to people with conventionally attractive partners). If the persons ego is big enough and they prioritize reputation/public perception over how much they respect their partner then they won’t have a hard time justifying hiding their partner

[@MS-ns4ki]

@@maenad1231Bingo! 😂

[@JohnNathanShopper]

This hurts, but there are no bad guys here. Except maybe homeboy shouldn’t go back to a girl he rejected.

[@RachelReduces]

right?! he made it obvious lmao!

[@Emma-zm7zb]

Exactly 💯

[@vanivari359]

But why? No matter how much i like a person, at the certain weight (ballpark: BMI 40+) looking at such a body is causing a nauseating reaction in me - including my own body back in the day. I see no actual wrong doing on homeboys side for "going back", we are not talking about 20 pounds to much, we talk about "significant" amounts of weight, you look like a different person - and people like to forget: losing weight also often affects personality (confidence, charisma etc). Luckily, women are in general not that focused on looks, but i would totally get why a woman would be more interested after i lost 120 pounds (i also live a way more active outgoing life now) and it's up to the person who lost the weight if he/she is fine with that preference because it could come up again. Other example: very long french nails - no matter how much i love a woman, if i have to feel those nails every time she touches me and i have to hear that sound and see those nails and how it forces her to use her phone or a keyboard or pen or anything - it's a deal breaker because it is a constant trigger present a 100% of the time. A better example: smoking. Smoking is a deal breaker for many and if the person stops smoking, the deal breaker is gone. If you confident to never smoke again or it actually even helps you stay motivated to not smoke, i don't see a problem. That aside, once you are in a relation, you "earn" that "through thick and thin".

[@JohnNathanShopper]

@@vanivari359 “Nauseating reaction” is a bit much, and I would hope we can all get past that and see the hotness in plus size people, but at the same time I cannot impose this opinion on you. I can only suggest. And I would never blame you for having a type. So yes, it does fall in the realm of deal breakers and having a type,

[@GabsGee]

Totally agree. He can have a type and that's chill. Just dont go on and flirt with the girl he passed on. = _ =

[@IvoryTower777]

as a gay guy I feel this, I was with a man who was not out of the closet for many months. It was nice at first but it did get annoying because he didn't want to go in public with me very often. we would keep each other company in private watch movies play some videogames, we had a lot of similar interests but after awhile I started to feel kind of down about myself.

[@shrinkingkristy7006]

I think this is the first video of John’s to make me sad, almost to the point of tears. I just started dating again after being married for 14 years. I’ve learned very quickly that there are lots of men who want to sleep with me, but not a single one yet that would claim me in public.

[@RavingKats]

Lots of men would put it in anything once including a ziplock bag with vasoline and the dating world has really gone downhill in the past 14 yrs due to a lot of Redpill and black pill mentalities. Pls don't take it personally, it's rough out here and could very well have literally nothing to do with you as a person. There's a lot of broken, jaded men in the single and over 35 yrs old category, lots of grown boys with chips on their shoulders. 💜

[@Venusleaf]

I see lots of big girls with their men every day

[@Liz-wz8dh]

That must be really hard, but please take care of yourself and don't take it personally. The culture has changed a lot over the last 14 years and even those of us who were not married during that time struggle with it. Just keep trying to date and keep your standards. Don't ever settle for a guy who doesn't want to be seen in public with you.

[@donnaleeclubb119]

You have to expect more of yourself. So? They want to sleep with you. Don't do it until you find someone that is worth you. The other person can want what they want.

[@mayagarcia-hector2732]

Tbh same and I’m straight size. Remember that you’re lovely and valuable regardless of men - dating is fucked up.

[@ireneangelucci3733]

I think there's nothing wrong in finding certain aesthetical things unattractive. I do find certain personality aspects ABSOLUTELY unattractive, like if I'm talking to the most attractive person ever and I find out he has one of those traits... To me that is a deal breaker. I'm less fussy about physical appearance but I do have strong preferences. So... If I'm blonde and a man rejects me because he likes brunettes, I'm going to be completely unphased about it. Unless he tells me in a disrespectful way, in that case I am going to start yelling 😂

[@4Simmix4]

"Blondes are all dumb hehe huhu hihi" some people (like the ones spurting these kind of comments) are just no longer able to be nice and kind. It is probably for the best to just hope they realize how immoral they are and save any energy which would be spen in teaching them about the truth. Hope you have a nice day

[@thedevicebook]

The issue here is that society doesn't treat fat people the way it treats brunettes. Fatness is seen as "less than." In dating though, so many people DO find fat people attractive, so it makes sense to ignore anybody insisting on having a skinny partner, or look for someone who doesn't have a preference either way.

[@donnaleeclubb119]

LOL 😅 😆

[@cymbelinebritain6799]

Exactly the same way. A person could be the best looking, hottest guy around and if he turns out to be a douche, that attractiveness just dissolves for me. A bad personality can literally make a person physically ugly to me. Conversely, a great one can make a person sexy to me. I just spoke of my late bf in my previous post and he was nothing like I would normally have preferred aesthetically. He was short, balding, had that ethnic Italian nose (I'm also Italian and swore I'd never be with another Italian because they remind me too much of my dad...LOL) and I used to kid him about his chicken legs, but he was the absolute best and very attractive too me. He was my protector, my stability, my heart and soul and because of his loving and gregarious nature, I found him extremely sexy and desirable.

[@aren7138]

You are Kenough, John.

[@RachelReduces]

Yesssss 😄

[@woadxqueen666]

Some people arent attracted to fat people and some fat people have the hardest time just accepting it. Some people arent attracted to skinny people either. Its a preference. If someones still nice to you in every way but they arent attracted to your body then accept you have a friend

[@MillyEsco]

Nicely said!

[@thedevicebook]

I have ended friendships with fatphobic people before though it really depends on how they act. In your scenario the person is otherwise nice & polite to fat folks so that would be cool with me. In my experience though the people who say they'd "never date a fat person" are usually cruel to fat people in every context.

[@leilameow9582]

it is all about the history and societal expectations behind it. People have preferences with race too and that is okay but telling a white girl you don't prefer her race is not going to hit the same as if you told a black women that. Why?Black women have been told they are less attractive than other women for a long time. For the white woman it might sting a little but she'll move on because white is literally the beauty standard and she knows a lot of men out there will still prefer her race. For the black woman it might be a reminder to her of how society puts down her looks and how she's probably experienced men rejecting her before for the same reason. Same thing with body types. Fat is always bashed and seen as less desirable even if there are people who find that body type attractive. A slim or fit girl might be hurt if a guy rejected her for not being thicker but there is literally an entire industry built on her body type telling everyone they are beauty standard. It doesn't hurt the same way.

[@WaffleSalad]

They don’t have to just “accept it” they can be unhappy that they noticed people in their life being nicer to them once they lost weight. Obv there’s preferences but this is something that happens to these people outside of just romantic relationships. It’s the fact that their everyday life is changing which only leads to a horrible relationship with their body and they can complain about that

[@donnaleeclubb119]

This is a young person's issue. Really the older you get, other things are more important in a person unless, of course, you cannot move and do anything.

[@luthiencoffin]

Nah I think the bandana is cute.

[@ChickenRamen]

going back to flirting with a woman he already rejected was pretty shitty

[@RachelReduces]

John's Bandana Era, let's gooooOO!!!!

[@sparkymularkey6970]

Unironically loving the bandana (but I'm Navajo, so I'm biased)! 😂

[@mummytrolls]

He’s slaying

[@RachelReduces]

@@sparkymularkey6970 hehehe Such beautiful culture! 😍

[@haleyh1239]

👏🏻🔥🔥

[@RachelReduces]

@@haleyh1239 😍😘

[@Thatcaramelchic]

I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to be with someone when they are at there worst. The whole through thick and thin is something you have earned and agreed upon with your partner. I would stay with my partner if they got big because they have earned that. They have earned the right to not be at there best right now. A random person on the street hasn’t earned that to the point you as a stranger needs to force yourself to be attracted to you when they aren’t.

[@herefortheshrimp1469]

I really like looking at it that way! No one is entitled to having a romantic or sexual partner right off the bat. But if you grow and change with someone who is going through something temporary you know they can change - that's very different

[@thedevicebook]

Being fat isn't me "at my worst." That narrative is problematic. And I didn't have to earn my husband's love by being any specific size. I just had to be me.

[@Thatcaramelchic]

@@thedevicebook regardless of what your “worst” is your husband stays because he loves you. Did he love you at first site ????? Or did love develop over time like most relationships. Ether way that love keeps him around despite whatever your “worst”. Being fat would be a low point for me and a sign something is wrong physically or mentally. That is not my best self plain and simple.

[@thedevicebook]

@Thatcaramelchic I don't think you're going to be convinced by an online conversation, which is true for many folks, so I will quit now.

[@hannahj489]

@@thedevicebookI don’t think op is saying being fat is everyone’s worst just it would be a sign of their own mental health struggles. That feels like a valid self evaluation.

[@Melina_Shadow]

When I was a freshman and sophomore in high school, I was bigger, and I was bullied heavily. I lost weight over the summer and changed schools... my junior and senior year, as well as in college, I got hit on and asked out a lot. There were also guys from my old school on social media who had previously bullied me asking me out and saying they had always liked me. Im about to be 34, and still, to this day, I will get the occasional message from some of those guys trying to "catch up." I've been married almost 14 years, these guys have no shame. At this point, I'm as heavy as I was back then, though I've been losing weight and working on that recently. The thing is, when I was younger and lost the weight and started getting attention, my self-esteem was so low that I ended up doing a lot of things I really regretted. I also put myself in positions to be abused and assaulted because I just wanted to fit in, and people were finally interested in me.

[@raqui174]

Attention is a double edge sword

[@beathinks]

Re: I also put myself in positions to be abused and assaulted You’re not responsible for other people’s shitty actions. At the end of the day, they made those choices. They could have chosen to NOT abuse and/or assault you. The people who did those things to you are to blame, not you 💜

[@quantumangel737]

I knew that would happen, it's always like that with shallow people with no morals. Those bullies just show how rotten they are as people, it's ok to have preferences and all that, but people who fat shame are only shallow and terrible creatures, and then they have the audacity to bother you when you met their standards? that's hideous, they should leave you alone. Hope you are doing well now.

[@Melina_Shadow]

​@beathinks 😭 thank you for saying that! I appreciate you. It's hard to accept that, I feel like if I thought better of myself at the time, I would not have put myself in those positions. It really is traumatic to deal with such bad bullying and cruelty at such a young age. It took me years into adulthood to repair what others had broken and love myself. Honestly, my mother set me up from a very young age to have body image issues. Young me really never stood a chance. But now in my 30s I finally love myself and I'm confident. But I've been blessed with an amazing husband whos helped put me back together.

[@Melina_Shadow]

​​@@quantumangel737I'm good now, thank you. But it took me a long time to realize those people were trash. When I was younger, I just wanted to be loved, accepted, and fit in.

[@sed6657]

I'm thin and I've had men do this to me, too. Some men are just shallow and don't want to 'claim' women in public incase they see someone else who they perceive as 'better' and don't want to be tied to you. It happens. If they claim a woman, they're claimed by a woman in return.

[@Airfriedfroglegg]

I dated a guy in high school who was extremely attracted to me (275 lb, 5’10”), made it very clear verbally, but said he couldn’t date me openly because his mom and grandma would not like me because of my weight. That was great for my confidence 🙄

[@hillevi2025]

He should've stated it very clearly that he doesn't share his relatives opinions. I don't know which culture you come from and wether it's safe to publicly disagree with your elders, but that's what I would've done and what I still do when my husbands father tries to shame him for gaining weight (a bit different dynamic since it's not my parent though).

[@emmanarotzky6565]

If he didn’t share his relatives’ opinions he would have just dated her and told the relatives to grow up.

[@MommaARA]

My ex's mom saw a picture of me for the first time and her first words were "she's too old and fat". This evoked a hailstorm of anger and outrage from him and later she apologized. But this put a strain on us because he couldn't talk to his parents about us. The few times he did his mother's opinion got worse, to the point of hoping we failed. The last time she did it in front of his dad an the next day she apologized in tears. I am guessing his dad really chewed her out for shitting all over his happiness and for judging me so harshly. Doesn't matter, the stress of her words and other life things still split us up. When family doesn't approve, they will stop at nothing to remove you like you are a cancer even if you did nothing wrong.

[@nowhere-0o0-o]

She's assuming he didn't find her attractive and that was the issue before. It could seriously have been the lifestyle difference. Or what each person's priorities were at the time. There's so many reasons other than attractiveness. He could have had some other issues or anything else going on at the time. Assuming is not helpful.

[@spacexbrawler]

It's possible but can we be honest... Men do this all the time, it's a pretty reasonable conclusion.

[@herefortheshrimp1469]

I wish she had given just a little bit of evidence other than "trust me" that he was attracted to her before as well. Also - they were roommates?!?! That would've been an EXCELLENT reason to avoid that relationship at the time

[@nowhere-0o0-o]

Even if it was attractiveness, people are allowed to like what they like. No one is dictator over other people's preferences. But when we assume what it is we put that burden on ourselves as "not good enough" when we possibly just aren't their cup of tea so to speak but don't even know for sure what the situation is without asking them. That is why assuming is not helpful, it is damaging to one's self.

[@pussydestroyer69285]

Even if it was just attraction? So what? Like Noone is obligated to find a person attractive. He's not a bad person at all

[@beequeen626]

When I was in the 8th grade, there was a boy who would only talk to me outside of school. He was very popular and I wasn't but we were neighbors. We would talk on the phone every night and he would tell me all his problems but it was like an unspoken thing that we didn't talk in public. I was so in love with him and it cut me so deeply that I wasn't good enough and he was embarrassed of me. All these years later it still hurts lol

[@ef3049]

im so sorry oh my god):

[@beequeen626]

@@ef3049 it's okay 😅 I married my high school sweetheart and we've been together 14 years and we have a beautiful family 💕 so that boy from 8th grade is just a bad memory

[@ef3049]

@@beequeen626 that makes me happy:)

[@CheetoFireCat]

I have been fat and smaller, not like skinny, but I guess thicc? Multiple times, and I will tell you, I was definitely treated differently when I was smaller. Sometimes, it was in a good way, more flirting, people talked to me more, and sometimes, it was in a creepy, unwanted way. And I don't know if that is "fatphoic." I call it people like what they like. BUt common courtesy says, "Treat others as you would like to be treated," and I do that no matter who you are.

[@mustachedpotatoes7217]

Thinking fit people aren't interested in dating fat or chunky people can be a self fulfilling prophecy though. I was too skinny growing up, and teased alot by my heavier set family. Being Hispanic, our culture prefers thickness, and I was muscular when it wasn't considered attractive, so I got made fun of for looking masculine. So I love heavy set people. But like is being said in the video, I was judged as having ulterior motives when I dated big guys, even if they had everything going for themselves. My ex was constantly teased that we didn't match, so I must be using him. Spent the whole relationship trying to prove myself and have no needs or requests from him or he took it as confirmation that I wasn't really attracted . Now I don't even try to go for my type anymore. Theres this thick cutie that lives near me, but I already know I cant even try without being insulted or used. I don't get this idea that fat people aren't hot. Let that idea go, alot if us are just scared of the character assignation that goes with trying to go for heavier set individuals.

[@MichiruEll]

Regarding the wanting someone with similar lifestyles: I agree, but also we shouldn't assume skinny people live healthy lifestyles. My partner is right on the edge of underweight and they very often eat cake for breakfast and frozen pizzas or lasagnas for lunch. Typically the only vegetable they eat is when we make dinner for the two of us. I'm sure if people opened our fridge they'd assume I eat all the pizza and lasagna since I'm the fat one.

[@onyxstarshine]

As a former fat person, I’m with you on this one. Nowadays I live a very active lifestyle & my diet is very clean, so I look for a partner who lives similarly to me. That doesn’t mean I won’t date a fat person if we connect, but my preference is someone who can keep up with me. I don’t know how to word this correctly, my apologies

[@onyxstarshine]

And this is coming from someone who was the secret fat girlfriend, the one who was rejected for my size. And I am okay with that. There will be someone that aligns with you in all ways ❤️

[@EnloTheRover]

I think in this case its a bit tough. Bc imo if he met her when she was thin and then she gained weight, how would he treat her? Obviously he is allowed to have a type, but it does make you think. Also I'm not sure if I'd be comfortable knowing the person I'm dating had to warn their family of my size. That would make me so uncomfortable. Doesnt make the person you're dating a jerk but it does raise concern.

[@DarkestAndBlackest]

About the entire last bit of that story, it is a little weird that she cut a friend off because his parents were douchebags. From my understanding of it it sounds like he was really into that woman who happened to be fat and knew his parents wouldn't approve a when he sought to get advice on how to make that go by smoother, his friends, cut him off. He didn't pick his parents, and in spite of everything, they might have been great parents to him, and they just suck on that one issue.

[@emotionalsupportnoodle]

Honestly. I think she just makes a whole bunch of stuff up, half her stories just sound like such absolute rubbish.

[@kpb02111]

Dating for 9 years is insane! I hope she didn’t get a “shut up” ring 😂

[@SuccessFitness]

"Back then didnt want me Now Im hot you all on me" -Mike Jones

[@austinrider121]

I’ve watched several family members eat themselves to death. It’s not just refusing yourself someone you find attractive. It’s not finding something unattractive in one way or another. It’s a key thing that negates more of their positives. Like I cannot date daily drinkers/smokers. It just turns me off. I don’t mind it, I have close friends who do, but it’s not something I could romantically be attached to. Attraction has a lot of considerations.

[@flyinyeti]

As a fat guy I understand this alot I'm seeing someone but she wants to keep it secret it really sucks sometimes

[@danteshail136]

Sadly society plays big role in personal relationships. For me it’s okay to not be genuinely attracted to someone. However it’s sad when person is attracted to bigger girls, for example, but ashamed of it, those people who are dating “secretly”. Those people waste girls’ time and mess up their body image and confidence.

[@margomargo985]

This honestly applies to more than romantic relationships because I used to be 300lbs and am now 175lbs and I just get treated better now by most people in general and that is pretty messed up tbh…

[@Annamrie38]

I like the bandana. I am a recent follower so as I see all of the older content, I cateregorize it by your anesthetic.

[@yallthought8444]

The thing is I've been both big and small and I never really had a difference in terms of hooking up with guys. There is always someone out there who is going to look past your body or even likes it, we just don't always have the fortune to run into those people. Maybe it was my confidence, my face, my humor...really couldn't tell you. But it is definitely hard to conceptualize someone suddenly "seeing" you when you look different. It does hurt. Even looking past whether the guy is selfish/shallow or not, it does hurt and you do feel like you aren't a full human like everyone else is. Preferences are preferences, I'm not going to look down on someone for preferring a partner who is more in shape, but the vast majority of people who I have seen say this also make side comments that are rude, backhanded, or discriminatory and they don't aways realize they're doing it (Not including you in that!) and it sort of seems to go hand in hand. Very rarely do I run into someone who leaves it short at "I just want someone I can workout with an physically keep up with" which contributes to the assumption that they're also an asshole...because they then act like one. Expressing a preference should always be respectful and for some reason the conversation around this particular preference just attracts a lot of nasty people.

[@lainiwakura1776]

Hooking up with someone is the not the same as dating them.

[@yallthought8444]

@@lainiwakura1776 Okay, I'll clarify and say I have dated people being both sizes too, what I said still applies.

[@CheetoFireCat]

I totally agree with you.❤

[@thedevicebook]

Totally agreed. It's like people who say they won't date a specific race. They are likely racist in many other areas, and it isn't just about dating.

[@mayjailerxx]

@@yallthought8444u don’t have to clarify anything for the nitpickers and purposely dense. Your initial comment was balanced, eloquent and enlightening

[@twilightguardian]

My boyfriend doesn't find me attractive because I'm fat. He loves me. But he doesn't want to be with me because I don't look attractive. So if he doesn't like me because of my looks being one way, what about another way? He doesn't like me when I'm fat. How can I trust he'll like me when I'm old? It smells of future infidelity.

[@fistOFjustice91]

I think I got very lucky. I was with my boyfriend when I was smaller, and gained a lot of weight suddenly but he treats me the same and assures he still loves me and is attracted to me. I'm working on losing weight again, but its nice to be with someone who loves you regardless.

[@courtneynanahkcub]

I am plus size but actively losing weight right now and I already made a pact that I would not date another overweight/obese person, unless they are also actively in the process of losing weight for the SAME reason you said. I want to be able to go on walks, workout, etc. with my partner and if our lifestyles don’t match up, I’m not interested.

[@moodywrites]

Have you seen Mickey Atkins video “Therapist Reacts to Claims Dr Mike is Fatphobic?” It’s a while ago, but still very relevant. It seems like she’s really coming from a place of pain, but I wish there was more nuance. She seems to think that doctors should never recommend weight loss because it’s unlikely to work and unnecessary. And as a therapist, I’m sure she treats people who are unlikely to get better. But we still try to give them a better quality of life, instead of giving up on them because their condition is complex.

[@Fantasy0825]

I dont think its wrong for someone to have a preference. Its just the way he made it obvious that he only liked her once she was his body type. People who want a true genuine relationship dont want to feel like you just want them now that they are thin( or bigger if they like bigger bodies) because now its like "what if i end up big or small again,? will they leave me cuz im no longer attractive?" We all want someone who can see past our looks. Sure you need to have some attraction but after being with someone that attraction becomes more based on who they are. People who grow old can look past the outside. We all age, our bodies change, and if you give bitrth it changes more. So the idea that someone only likes after your physical appearance changes makes them look like they cant be a long term partner because rhey will trade you for someone younger, thicker or thinner, prettier, fitter etc.

[@Ky-dt4qv]

Preferences are preferences. There’s some things I am super attracted to and other things that don’t matter. My preferences for what I find attractive in men and women are wildly different. Weight isn’t a make or break for me but I have dated outside of my preferences because we get along so well but it is hard to maintain a relationship when you aren’t really attracted to your partner. I can acknowledge someone may be traditionally attractive or have attractive features overweight or not but it doesn’t mean Me personally will be attracted. It’s all biological and that’s okay. If someone is shallow let them be, you can do better anyways. Why would you want someone who ONLY cares how you look

[@Krankhafter]

I think the main point to be taken away (at least for me) is that it's a lot less about weight/body type and more about how much the modern dating scene has become so shallow so focused around appearance and less about personality and the things that really matter about a person. Yes, you're allowed to have certain things that you're physically attracted to, but if you're looking for an actual soulmate and someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with, those things matter very little. You could be dating the most physically fit person, but that stuff isn't permanent no matter how hard you work at it. Eventually one or both of you will face health struggles, you will age, you will lose you health and perceived attractiveness. You want to find a partner who will stick with you when you inevitably lose your health and beauty. Obviously we can say "Well, if they're a shallow person who cares too much about looks then go and find someone who likes you for who you are and not what you look like" but I think its important to draw attention to how appearance and perfection focused our society has become. Maybe the conversation doesn't need to be focused on weight necessarily, but its a good conversation to have in general I think. As someone who has gone through chronic illness and has lost partners in the process, and has seen friends go through similar experiences, it can be really devastating and leave you with lasting effects that make you doubt yourself and your future partners.

[@latoyamahaffey8202]

I completely agree, society assumes looking like a model makes them sweet and marriage worthy for example Kim Kardashian

[@Krankhafter]

@@latoyamahaffey8202 Also beauty does not equal health! I have known some super attractive people who have actually been very unhealthy and had unhealthy habits or illnesses.

[@latoyamahaffey8202]

@@Krankhafter not always, I know & came across a lot of thin/well fit functional alcoholics & drug addicts.

[@pussydestroyer69285]

It sucks to hear but attraction IS important...yes looks will fade away and health issues will arise but the only person who should stick with you through that is your partner. Attraction and looks is what bring you in and the love you have for one another is what makes you stay with them through thick and thin..but you can't expect someone to want you at your worst. It isn't a modern thing it has always been this way. It's just now more exposed with social media. Sexual attraction is literally just human nature.

[@quantumangel737]

This comment is gold.I guess that's why most relationships fail, because they only focus on the surface. Be it on weight or not, but also race, or other details that aren't really important for a healthy relationship. I know some people want to encourage health... but pursuing perfection to the extreme or encouraging excesive weight is both dangerous, but some of those people are also very discriminating and hide their intolerance in the excuse of "is for your health" when they don't really mean it, it would be appreciated if it was true but no. I always knew people were shallow but nowadays is getting worse I suppose. It's crazy and it's not gonna end well. Oh and I've also known thin or fit people with extremly and unhealthy habits too. so yeah, appearances are deceiving.

[@aquahexlive]

It's still pretty messed up that he wanted to go out with her after she lost weight though. "If you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best".

[@loissage3630]

Lots to think about. I don’t think you are a bad person if you aren’t attracted to someone who can’t participate in activities that you enjoy. ❤

[@ladydaisy9818]

I don’t think it makes him a bad person at all! Being attracted to the person you’re dating is pretty important.

[@MommaARA]

I like where she is going with her point is that we need to treat each other with respect and common courtesy. There are honest polite ways to turn someone down while giving and explanation. We are influential to how we treat others and should do it in a careful way. If you aren't interested in someone then tell them so in a polite way and be good people to each other. Let's not spread anymore misery.

[@lulyfreitas27]

NO ONE is a bad person because they are not attracted to someone. NO. ONE. I ~particularly~ am attracted to, generally, bigger women, but that doesn't mean everyone is. I am a bit overweight, not obese, but I was before, and I woudn't hold it against anybody if they are not (or were not) attracted to me. Regardless of my size. I know there are people that are, so I just move on to those people. Everyone needs to deal with rejection, not blame the person who rejected you. I know I have preferences and that's the case for everybody.

[@schneewitschen101]

Can I just point out that cringy in-laws are not a fat people problem, they’re pretty common. For years I didn’t introduce anybody to my family because I knew they’d be awful to them no matter what, and I didn’t want to subject any of my significant others to that.

[@glamasaurus]

I wouldn't date someone who was very overweight for multiple reasons. I am not talking about 10-20lbs but I don't find morbidly obese people attractive and if that makes me shallow, fine. I am not incredibly active but I do like to maintain some activity like going for walks. I come from a family where my siblings are both much bigger, and instead of walking through the mall to get to a store, they will head back to their car and drive to the otherside. I need to get out the excess energy and that drives me insane.

[@mtsb557]

Being shallow is absolutely okay... but in my mind not as a partner... if times get rough... you won't have their back. Noone needs superficial people close to them.

[@diandriasmith889]

I don't want to redirect the conversation, and I only bring this up to say that I partially understand how she feels. I have never been particularly overweight (only according to BMI measures and probably muscle mass), but I do understand how it feels for people to actively exclude me from the list of potential partners just based on my level of attractiveness (average) by today's standards and my race. And while I wouldn't want to force or shame someone to be attracted to me, I do sometimes wonder how we get to the point of excluding whole races of people or exclude people because they don't look like an Instagram filter. I know that's not completely analogous as you can't change your race.

[@Liz-wz8dh]

Being rejected is always hard when you're not in the "preferred" category. But plenty of people who are not preferred go on to find decent partners.

[@quantumangel737]

you said it yourself; instagram and other social media.

[@morbidsoaps2094]

Discussions like this make me super depressed. Your physical appearance changes over time. We literally age, fall on illness, go through hardships, have children, and our bodies change. If you are always seeking people for mostly the physical and not valuing them for who they are as “always changing” bodies, we do ourselves a disservice. You can have the best lifestyle and get into a disfiguring accident. Poof. Your idea of perfect person is completely changed. Because my body looks like this now doesn’t mean it will look like this forever. Maybe I’m just older and have been in different versions of my body throughout the years, from athletic, to postpartum, to hormonal changes, to middle age. I’m worthy in every body.

[@RachelReduces]

This is beautifully stated and why I think it's good to have these discussions, because you've made such good points here. We do change so much and should embrace it, so if anyone doesn't want you based on your current body, they don't deserve all the wonderful evolving qualities you offer 💗

[@Suavek69]

While all that's true, being "worthy" didn't mean being attractive, and sexual attraction is a huge part of relationships. Unless you want to decouple those two and make it an open relationship, something very few is comfortable with. Whenever I hear these conversations I find them similar to my conversations with a friend who is asexual and was upset people don't want to date her because she doesn't want to have sex. Same arguments, same ideas. Sex isn't everything, but it does play a big part of what most humans need and want, but I'm not going to force myself to have sex with someone I'm not attracted to.

[@manicpepsicola3431]

​@@Suavek69on the contary they will have sex eith you but won't tell people they're seeing you because they are embarrassed you're fat

[@pussydestroyer69285]

Sure....but attraction is important..you cannot force someone to find you attractive.

[@Krankhafter]

@@pussydestroyer69285 And what if you get a disease that takes away your beauty? Is someone with cancer or another type of condition that makes their hair fall out or damages their skin or makes them lose their teeth or gain/lose weight or causes them to be "ugly" in another way are undeserving of love or a relationship because they are no longer attractive? There are so many medications and medical treatments that alter physical appearance and health, should that alone be grounds for someone to end a relationship, just because your physical appearance has changed? (not saying anyone who is sick is ugly but they are not "attractive" by societal standards) What about aging? Do we leave our partners as they age because they no longer look the same as when we started dating them? What about when a woman's body changes after she has children, does her partner have a right to leave her then because he no longer finds her attractive? Yes, attraction plays a part but I think it's a very, very small part of the equation. And, as you grow older most people find that it's less of what's on the outside that makes people attractive.

[@karenpellerin5841]

I've never been obese, top BMI 29, but my weight has fluctuated throughout my life. Of course, men look at my differently when I am thin. I think I've got this figured out and will stay thin for the rest of my life. I don't have an ED and it's not really that hard.

[@Blackandwhitecat-u9v]

👍

[@WileyCylas]

John is gonna join a biker gang, where the hardcore motto is “kindness”

[@mothercat6083]

I think it’s good to always take a minute when you hear some thing that makes you feel bad about yourself and remember that someone’s preference is NOT a personal attack. As someone who has anxiety, low self esteem, and grew up with an emotionally abusive parent, I used to mistakingly to take what should be constructive criticism straight to heart as an insult and as I got older I had to realize everything’s not always about me. People don’t spend as much time as I do criticizing myself😂 if that makes sense? It’s really bad for our own mental health to be so obsessed with what other people think or feel about our bodies. We need to be strong enough to tell people to fuck off when they are discriminating but just because someone’s not attracted to a larger body does not make your larger body any less beautiful and what you think about yourself should always be more important then some dude you may like

[@TheMintoncynthia]

I really think it should be okay to say what you feel about attraction. We're all attracted to different things. Whether you're big or small and lifestyle does play a big role in it. I like to go hiking I want to eat healthy. I do not keep snacks in the house. There's lots of things that maybe a bigger person wouldn't be on the same accord with.

[@themysteriousone]

I agree with everyone that mentions the need for physical attraction. We are all attracted to different types of people of every size. Now here I'm going to be blatantly honest. Im just not attracted to obese men. BUT, I have dated larger men, and I have enjoyed their company, but it didn't work out because I had a very high activity lifestyle and they were unable to participate (their choice I might add) so I ended up doing most things alone. Am I attracted to very fit men? No, I'm " dad bod" all the way because thats what fits both my attraction and lifestyle.

[@Antigone10]

You Are Not the Same Person After Losing Weight! You have changed and grown up. You have learned to set goals and persevere. You have gotten better at managing your money responsibly. You have begun to care about how society perceives you and realized caring about others can make you more successful in life. You now care about your health and being around and being able to do things with a partner. Different Person!

[@lubnan08]

Yup. Nailed it

[@emmanarotzky6565]

You know caring about how society perceives you is a bad thing, right? That’s what insecure teenagers are trying to grow out of in order to become functional adults. Also you can lose weight because you’re sick, you’re grieving, you have an addiction, or any number of unhealthy things. Losing weight on its own isn’t a sign that you’re looking after your health.

[@Antigone10]

@emmanarotzky6565 Not caring how society perceives is a sign of Immaturity and self-centeredness. Acting kind to others, behaving in public, putting your best foot forward all make people perceive you in a better light and then treat you better. You don't brush your teeth before the dentist has to smell your mouth, do you? Start caring about what others think about you and watch your life change for the better. P.S. You are not supposed to worry about anything so much it paralyzes you or causes mental anguish. Teens are actually learning to cope with fear anxiety and emotions, not ignoring the feelings and ideas of the people around them. (Yay psych degrees! I never get to use them.)

[@sourgrape_s]

But a shift in your self discipline and goal setting shouldn't be enough to erase your base personality unless you genuinely wanted to change who you were fundamentally as a person (hopefully for the better)

[@fanoflilacs9090]

⁠@@Antigone10plenty of overweight people already do this. If not most. and there really isn’t a way you can chop up pleasing society to make into a good thing. It sounds like your just bashing overweight people . Sorry not sorry

[@spockish9526]

I don't care what anyone's preference is as long as they don't degrade those who aren't their preference. It is also despicable when people use those who they aren't especially attracted to for their own benefit as if people are just toys to play with.

[@BlasphemyTCG]

Physical attraction is key part of maintaining a healthy relationship. Most men and women and attracted to the average. Whether that’s muscularity or height or weight. It’s a bell curve and if you cannot recognize that, good fucking luck. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that everyone should be into you when you find yourself on the extremes of that bell curve. Whether that’s height, weight, etc.

[@Ziegfried82]

After a woman gets to a certain size she really is only going to get fetishists going after her. A woman can be large, say 170-200 lbs and still get a normal guy I think if she takes care of herself a bit. But once your rolls have rolls that's something very few regular dudes are into.

[@raqui174]

We can’t force ppl to like what they don’t.. just like they can’t make us we can’t make them

[@Katrin-os5qe]

It’s true though. I have a couple of plus-size female friends, I used to be fat myself. There’s a lot of men that are sexually attracted to plus sizes bodies. They do want to get it on with you VERY MUCH. But dating: out of the question. They tell you how much they enjoy your voluptuous body and that you are great and amazing, but end up dating another girl with the socially accepted body type. Some of those men told me or some of my girlfriends this upfront.

[@coldfire22]

It’s not even shallow for a person to not be attracted to her. Physical attraction is important in a relationship. I’m not attracted to fat women at all. I can be good friends with them but I wouldn’t want to be physical with them and so no romantic interest

[@leannewalker1422]

Your bandanna looks iconic John ❤

[@hannahbanana84237]

Jean-Claude Van Damme? Naw. John Glaude Bandan(a).

[@cymbelinebritain6799]

I was always heavy (generally fluctuated between 180-200 lbs) and that was large for my 5'2 frame. My late boyfriend was a saint and I miss him desperately but he was with me as a heavy person, with my on my weight loss journey and was with me for a year after until he passed away very suddenly due to an aggressive form of liver cancer. His perception of me never changed. Of course he was super proud and supportive of me when I lost 85 lbs, but his love for me would have never waivered had I stayed heavy and he certainly was never ashamed or embarrassed of me when around others or out in public. He always introduced me as his wife (together 14 years but never married) and affectionately referred to me as his other "whole"...not half. It was kind of tongue in cheek and got some weird looks, but then he'd explain that I completed him so it was only fitting. He also used to say..."you're not fat, you're fluffy". Of course many would say he was enabling me to be unhealthy and perhaps that was correct, but my point was his love, attraction and desire for and toward me was always there, always apparent and always present. I was extremely lucky to have had him.

[@blackrose538]

I've actually learnt something just recently.... yes, attraction is a thing and you'll probably have a type of person you're attracted to at first sight, however.... when you meet someone and get to know that person, you can still fall in love with them, despite them not catering to your type of attraction. Because love isn't about looks.

[@PrissyHippie]

I totally agree about couples splitting after one goes through a major change. I have been married for 38 years to the same mam. I love him so much. But, BUTTT I have lost 150+ lbs and its really hard to be with a partner that is so sedentary and eats lots of junk food. He wants to go out to eat alllll the time, and I don't. I want to do physical things and he doesn't. We have nothing in common anymore. I don't want all the junk food, chips, dips, cookies, debbie cakes, sodas in the house, and thats what he lives on. We are having a rough time. He says I want him to give up everything that makes him happy, I say he's trying to make it hard on me to stay healthy. We are at an impasse I'm afraid. Sad, confusing, frustrating times. 😕

[@priscillaflores7656]

Food should not be the focus of his happiness, being healthy and consuming healthy food that his body needs should be enough. You want him to change because you love him but it seems like he doesn’t love himself enough to change

[@kwest5171]

Short story short, you like who you like. Can't force people to like something they don't.

[@anthea6669]

I totally relate to you asking if the other person knew about your weight, the first line on my tinter profile is literally a warning of my size 😂 I'd hate it if the other person felt somehow catfished

[@funkyfreshyfresh]

I just started going after losing weight a month and a half ago, I have struggled with obesity for the last 8 years or so. I am still obese. Highest weight 377, current is 360. I have done a lot mental work and growth these last few months on top of rejecting fat acceptance (which I had been into for YEARS) and I personally don't see myself being with someone who would be at my highest weight or even where I am at right now. I still have a LONG way to go before my goal weight and also having a boyfriend/husband but a big reason for my thinking this is that I am building a new and healthy lifestyle and I can't have ANYTHING jeopardize that. Obv things happen in life and some stuff is out of our control but I really can't be with someone who struggles with the same things I struggle with for the sake of my health and ultimately my life.

[@danielx555]

As long as your flowing locks are still cascading behind you, the bandana is fine.

[@Rebeccajp25]

I really identify with what you said about meeting new people with your friends, and you felt like you had to check with your friends that the new person knew how big you were. I’m single, and use dating apps, and I always make sure that I tell people that I’m plus sized. I don’t take full length photos of myself, because I never like them, so I make sure that the person I’m going to meet with knows that I’m bigger. It’s funny though because when I’ve met up with these people a lot of them say that I make it sound like I’m loads bigger than I actually am.

[@divorceguru]

She raises some interesting points and I will say I agree that as women we are judged on our appearance and the size of our bodies is probably the biggest factor (no pun intended). I also agree that men are judged based on the woman on their arm. That is facts. Any man, no matter what he looks like, if he is with a beautiful woman, is automatically seen as a man with something going for him- money, status etc. personally I think men may not consciously be thinking that when dating and are mostly going for what they find attractive but it certainly could be part of what they find attractive.

[@april4657]

There's nothing wrong with having preferences, but if a guy rejected me and then tried to ask me out later when I changed my appearance... I think I'd be moving on. Especially because we're all going to get old and wrinkly one day anyway.

[@luthiencoffin]

It can help being loved by someone too and I think it can be harder for women we have a higher chance of ed disorders. The biggest thing that helped my ED was my boyfriend. I was seen by someone and it made me feel beautiful and confident. And just being with someone and being happy I did not binge as much as I used to. I'm still not at a weight I want to be but being seen and loved by someone really kick-started it. I am still at the grind and putting in the work. But it can help and I know how lucky I am. It would be nice if more ppl could see the person they could be. My BF has loved me at all my sizes and he is the best cheerleader. I don't think I could get there without him. I also need to add because I know sometimes I get these comments, no he has never pressured me to lose weight.

[@mandyg8022]

More things in life should start with a smile, a chuckle + "just leave me alone" 😅

[@RealElongatedMuskrat]

I'm absolutely in the spot you were John, I'm just not comfortable putting myself out there dating wise until I get healthier, mind *and* body. So I don't have experiences with being rejected for my size. That being said, for me it comes down to lifestyle first and foremost. If someone is very active I don't think it's unfair for them at all to not want to date someone who isn't active. It's important to them. You can be heavier and active, just as you can be thin and sedentary. But more so than not I would imagine that more active people tend to lean less body fat than more, I guess. Not a hard rule but a general trend. When it comes to preferences of appearance, I've always felt that we can't really will others to change theirs. It does suck that many folks will prioritise a very specific appearance as their main attraction and not look to personality or character as the most important thing, but then do you want to date someone like that? People living with visible differences, especially facial differences, can attest to that. It's horrible to know that you're immediately dismissed as a potential partner for your appearance, whatever the reason, but then I'd rather know that before the dating even begins than be seeing someone for a while, thinking things are progressing, only to find out that they just wanna sleep with you. That must be horrible in a different way.

[@mosesyang4222]

Sex and love are two separate things and the sooner you understand that the better. You can be in love with someone but not sexually attracted to them. When people date they present a very fake image of themselves they want their partners to see and want. Once you settle down people can remain in love just no longer sexually attracted. Bodies change, i know both men and women who may be in love with their partners but not sexually attracted anymore if the partner gains or loses weight. Its lit not love its just sex.

[@donnaleeclubb119]

When a person matures and looks for a life partner, some things become more important than total looks. My husband of 29 years is a sweet, educated, kind, patient person. He was also bald in his 20's and many young 20 year olds could not look past that. I thank God for their shallowness. Now in our 50's, many of those women want a kind, sweet man like he is. When you're looking for a life partner, some things are much more important than attractive looking people. BUT to be overweight affects how you feel about yourself. For one thing, WHY was this person living with a guy she only "liked". Overweight women sometimes sell themselves short. Don't sleep with someone that doesn't really love you, skinny or fat.

[@enjoylife7030]

Attraction is just basic Biology and we all have different things that we are attracted to. Would she want to be in a serious relationship with someone who is not attracted to her. That situation is actually much worse existing in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you completely. I don't think people can explain why they are attracted to certain traits. It is just something that draws you to others.

[@westcoastlass]

I like the bandana better than the nail polish. Bandana looks great.

[@Moose92411]

I would never have a partner who doesn't live an active, healthy lifestyle conducive to strength and longevity. I'm not a bad person for that. But if someone else digs a partner who is obese.... doesn't effect me one bit. I'll never judge someone else for their romantic desires.

[@loladanger]

dated someone who was a personal trainer & they helped me lose weight. After I lost the weight, he continued to criticize and be critical of my looks. I eventually went from a size 12 to a size 2. He still criticized my weight and told me I needed to lose weight and needed to be in better shape. (I became a marathoner, btw, so I was in excellent shape). Years later I gained some weight back and he and I started dealing with each other again. I fell Ill due to a congenital birth defect & he told me “that sounds like a you problem. Don’t speak to me again until you weighed what we did when we were together”. These people who think this way are so shallow. It’s not worth your time. Even when I am I are thinner, they will continue to criticize & their “love” and attraction will always be based on looks. Some ppl may look good on the outside, but they are rotten on their the inside. They will never change bc their rottenness is inside. Your weight is something that can be changed. Their hearts cannot be changed. Feel grateful you aren’t stuck with a shallow asshole.

[@zombiedeatheater]

If you worried about introducing your partner to family... even if theres really no need... send a selfie with comment about how youd like them to meet the person who is making you happy. Then they can react/or not in private and can move forward 🤷🏻‍♀️ with social media Id imagine the likelihood of a posted selfie before family meet is quite likely anyway

[@robintisabird1566]

I think the guys biggest mistake here was telling her that he warned his parents about her weight.

[@Liz-wz8dh]

But I guess we see where he got his mentality from.

[@LAbeauty316]

i want to add a perspective on seeing a person as more attractive once they lose weight. it's very easy to see this as them just not being attracted to fat people. however, i think for many people it's more of the act of losing weight itself that is attractive. i myself am generally attractive to very lean people. however, if i see someone losing weight, i find that attractive not just because i prefer that body type, but because that is showing me that they care about themselves, can commit to something long term, and are motivated. they same thing applies when someone skinny gains muscle or becomes more lean. yes, they become closer to my physical type, but the process of doing that tells me a lot about them, and that in itself is attractive.

[@kaylahanley4900]

I like the bandana, but I also like the shirt. It's a nice shirt.

[@extra_nos5081]

"Leave me alone." "Let me wear this."

[@Kangamoos]

I really related to your comment about not wanting to surprise someone. Too many times when I was larger my friends would try to set me up. I wanted to be sure they knew before they met me. I might have the best personality on the planet, but if someone isn't attracted to a fat person then it was just wasting everyone's time

[@jd5368]

I don't think anyone is a bad person for who they are sexually attracted to or not attracted to. I'm more concerned about how someone treats someone that they are NOT attracted to. It's all well and good to be nice to someone if you want something from them. Guys who are kind and respectful to women, regardless of whether or not they want to sleep with them, are not bad people for rejecting a woman's advances. What I don't think is okay is when a guy sleeps with a bigger woman but then keeps the relationship a secret.

[@AbsoluteNonSenz]

The abuse part I personally habe experienced. During cancer I shared my experiences on tik tok. When I disagreed with a nurse with a huge following about a particular topic, they took personal offense and their community flooded my comments with jabs at my weight. Even though i never took a personal jab at them i was attacked.

[@Shannon_Vlogs]

Enjoyed this one, John. As always, measured and honest takes - edited to add: you’re not a bad person. Jeez 😂

[@kelseyrenee91]

Sorry but I found this woman insufferable. Stayed for the bandana though

[@UncleMikeDrop]

People are not living in larger or smaller bodies. We have bodies. We are not a part of our bodies. Our bodies are a part of us. Gaining or losing weight changes the shape, size, and state of a person's body, but it's still the same body. FFS

[@steelturtle4026]

That bandana though ❤

[@gyrlgeorge]

Lovin’ the bandana! Rock it. (this is not sarcasm 😂)

[@Mrsjengood11]

The most recent study that I read said the approximately 4% of men are attracted to obese bodies and interestingly enough about 2% of women are attracted to bigger bodies. I wonder do short men who definitely aren’t the overwhelming preference feel this way???

[@fatchickinabarn6145]

Isn't this how NAAFA started?

[@GhostsRustyKnee]

I feel funny about developing feelings for and trying to date a roommate. Like you're both so vulnerable and didn't agree to live together to date each other. It's a tricky area to me. I feel like if someone doesn't feel the same, now they are going to feel uncomfortable in their own home.

[@1524scooter]

I notice when they tell these stories they always have to emphasize it was such an extreme, bad diet🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️. Sometimes, yes, but every single 1 of them🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[@gardenofweedin5373]

It’s no worries to me.. ppl can do whatever they want. Just know I’m gone play the same game.

[@fabianaesber9753]

As somebody who used to be an XL back in the day, I know where she is coming from. However, my fear of gaining weight doesn't come from society, but from my own home experience as my parents were married for 2 decades, but lived separated lives because she got fat. They kept the appearances, a divorce was a bigger taboo than being fat. Some people are just not attracted to fat bodies. And my uncle who used to say, he left his girlfriend, because he wasn't attracted to pregnant women...

[@hilarystorey4601]

Is very true. Some guys think that you’re too chunky at a certain point. We all have different things we are attracted to and that’s okay.

[@linziesantana4748]

No I don’t think he’s a bad person for not being attracted to her when she was in a bigger body, however that relationship wouldn’t have worked cause she KNEW the deciding factor for him was her losing weight and she should not have to say yes to him since he rejected her before. It’s definitely good to know your worth and not allow someone to come back around when it’s convenient to them