Selective Mutism in Autism & what helps me talk when I'm nonverbal

♡𝗠𝗬 𝗘𝗧𝗦𝗬 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗣♡
Discovering your Masks ADHD & Autism Workbook
www.etsy.com/listing/1333179566/
ADHD & Autism Uncovering Your Stims Workbook
www.etsy.com/listing/1263026080/
ADHD-friendly Weekly Planner · Helps with Executive Dysfunction
etsy.me/3NigpLR
♡𝗢𝗡𝗘 𝗢𝗡 𝗢𝗡𝗘 𝗖𝗢𝗔𝗖𝗛𝗜𝗡𝗚♡
selfembark.com
♡𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗺𝗲♡
🌱 TikTok: / irene_selfembark
🌿 Instagram: / self_embark
🍊 Self Empowerment Coach: selfembark.com

[@Cutiepiekyo]

Before I got recently diagnosed with Autism/ADHD, a former friend of mine said that my sitting in silence at a casual group get together was "such an inconsiderate way of being". I didn't understand until my diagnosis why this (amongst other things she said) cut me so deep. Going non-verbal for me is such a deeply distressing state to be in, especially back when I didn't know what was happening. On the outside all people would see is me being cold/rude but on the inside my head is screaming, my tongue is so heavy and if I'm especially unlucky it can bring on a panic/anxiety attack. I've learnt that if someone can make me laugh that shot of dopamine can create a crack and my tongue starts getting lighter, but sometimes my mutism can last for days at a time. Knowing what I know now, it makes me that much more grateful to my mother and one of my friends who never pushed me to talk when I got like that. Even though they themselves didn't understand/know what was happening, they just patiently waited until I was ok again and their genuine kindess is something I'll never forget!! Thank you so much for speaking on this topic! It definitely needs to be better understood!

[@recoveringsoul755]

In college people told me that they thought my silence meant that I was aloof, that I thought I was better than them. The opposite is more likely.i didn't know how to make small talk, especially in a group of people I don't know. When I do get to know someone and I feel safe with them, I adore comfortable silences And I have TMJ. Wow, another piece of the puzzle

[@AbbyAndrew]

It's wild to me that someone could notice their friend not speaking in a group setting and their first thought is "wow that's so inconsiderate" INSTEAD OF, "they must be uncomfortable / anxious, I should try to make them feel better" Like what type of friend would think like that???

[@Salem-ys6kw]

Remember, people are individuals and if we don't essentiallyvcheck ourselves we can react emotionally based on our insecurities and trauma and often defensively push this onto other people. Your friend criticising you for your silence was probably based on their own insecurities, like maybe they feel a need to fill silences and diffuse what they imagine to be tension based on how silence was treated in their home life and the concept of a comfortable silence is foreign to them. Rather than being aware of this, their learned anxiety or unprocessed trauma from these situations may be clouding their rationality and so they may try to 1) Shift the focus onto someone else and 2) appeal to someone to rescue them from this without stating it outright because then they'd have to acknowledge to themselves and others that they feel vulnerable. Just one possible example of why they'd do this, and often that behaviour isn't conscious. When people seem to have a problem with us it's based on their needs (or their perceptions of those needs and the behaviours they've learned - generally in childhood - to get those needs met) not about us specifically. When people can feel safe and gain the self-awareness to identify that they're disregulated and regulate themselves and come back to that rationality they tend not to have outbursts like that or to blame others for their momentary discomfort if it's not warranted.

[@cecilyerker]

Glad to hear she’s a former friend, she sounds like a real bitch

[@Rumplegirlskin]

Those with the loudest mouths are compensating for their limited minds. Always remember that. I do not have your diagnosis, however, I would sit in silence in groups just due to me not enjoying group conversations. They are generic and I often did not enjoy the topic or canned conversations that people in groups had. So realistically, I would not even be in the group for them to keep saying that. Because just wanting to be around friends is not enough for most people. People can’t seem to enjoy one another quietly. Even in grade school, your ex-friend should had been able to realize maybe something was not right. People do not sit in silence in groups, just to ignore. I never ignored, even when it was obvious I did not want to talk. So your ex-friend had their own issues to work out and it was better that you were able to part from them… as I assume your already have realized. I started a company based off of some similarities I found between myself and people with various forms of autism. I am labeled gifted and highly intelligent. It means nothing because I know nothing and I am not actually “smarter” than anyone. However, those who do not understand and see perspective are the ones who do not actually need the diagnosis. I studied this in college because I did not understand how this was more acceptable, than helping people is. But with what I do, I have found amazing minds from all over the world. I actually work with a little girl who has selective mutism and she is absolutely brilliant. However, she would have never known that because no one really wanted to see what she could do in her silence, or asked her what she needed. The world has convinced society of a truly backward way of thinking just to compensate. They win only because there are more of them. That makes you unique, which means you have more to offer. Selective mutism is very difficult, however, it also means that you listen. And when you are not have someone try to force you to speak, or someone trying to degrade you for something you can’t control… you listen in peace. I went to a private school for my labels. And guess why types of students were there… Aspergers, people with mutism and selective mutism, and SPD… they almost outnumbered us with no 2E diagnosis! You know who wasn’t there… those same types of people like your former friend. A lot of ambiverts and introverts, but no egregious extroverts. They aren’t right just because they can attempt to degrade you louder than you would ever consider doing to them. This channel should be especially good for you because it is relatable and you are far from alone. You can become influential for something that you’ve been put down for.

[@donagaleta]

When I was a girl and a teen and even a young woman, some people very often told me: Why don't you talk? You are always silent! You never smile! You are so serious..." but I never felt like I couldn't talk physically, I always thought that I was VERY SHY, because that was what I learned since I was a very little girl: YOU ARE VERY SHY, and I defined myself like that. Now I mask and talk and smile a lot, but I feel free when I can be in silence and when nobody needs my smiles.

[@Itsunclegabby]

They don't actually need your smiles though. You aren't obligated to give them.

[@stephaniec9355]

@@AutomaticDuck300 t

[@roxanartventures]

I just got better at acting now

[@RutabegaNG]

It's a weird distinction, not really wanting to talk and not being able to talk. Like when I just don't want to, I will give very short answers, basically keep verbalizations to a minimum. But last time I couldn't, I couldn't even laugh out loud. I felt fine, had a great day. I watched things that made me laugh but there was no sound. That was weird. I'd never had anything like that last more than an hour or two and that went over 24 hours.

[@Nith7777]

@Clara Roca, you just described everything that I went through.

[@hodgeh]

I wish the condition wasn't called "selective mutism" it sounds like we are choosing not to speak. We CANNOT speak. For me it is food too, I CANNOT eat sometimes and it takes time and energy to overcome and I'm left feeling stupid incompetent and alone because if I could just say it or eat then whatever problem would be solved but I just can't. It's the same struggle as "high functioning autism" I DON'T function highly but I am a person with HFA

[@wronggeometry]

Same. I'm in transition from mental health support to more specific autism support (I think) but it's really hard to find someone who doesn't judge me as capable based on my exterior and then treat me differently coz she think I can and should. 😢

[@wiegraf9009]

You're speaking truth

[@DrowningKraken]

Conditional Mutism?

[@jimwilliams3816]

Agree. It sounds like "selective amnesia," which is a pejorative. Someone on another channel said they call it "situational mutism." I liked that better, and use it now.

[@Shrimp8008]

The term I've heard and I like better is Situational Mutism

[@mentalcat9529]

I used to have this in high school. It was like a Force that blocked my throat. I think it was bc of social anxiety. I have the same thing with my partner. I fear judgment especially from him bc he is my person, he never judges me but i fear it so sometimes i dont talk much

[@slaymaster01]

yes i understand this Force. when im really struggling to speak (like particularly emotionally intense situations) it feels like a pressure/tightness in my throat & ive felt this sensation since i was a young child

[@OmarAbdulMalikDHEdMPASPACPAPro]

Hi. New subscriber here. I have an adult son who is on the autism spectrum (Asperger's). He has this. It was worse when he was younger. He had a speech therapist and a psychologist who helped him. I try to be extremely patient with him, which seems to help.

[@samanthapateman8054]

Yeah, I get the same thing, in my head I’m shouting just talk but the longer it goes on the harder it becomes to talk. I also get burntout and I pretty much hide from people like yes that was my dose of talking for today. I’ve not been tested for autism though so I don’t know if I do have it.

[@martinaxperia9893]

I share the same experience

[@shinebabyshine.]

Yes this tends to happen to me when I’m burnt out. Such a horrible feeling especially when you *really* need to speak

[@SeiichirouUta]

If I can't talk I can't talk. No singing, no humming, no reading aloud... often I don't even realise that I don't speak unless someone asks me a question I can't answer with a nod, a head shake or a shoulder shrug. Fortunately so far it was rare and it never lasted long. But I live by myself, so maybe it happens more often than I'm aware of.

[@wronggeometry]

That sounds very similar to my experience. Officially diagnosed this month but I think I've known for a few years. I only became aware of my selective mutism while doing dbt therapy and realising how often my feedback was 'I thought about saying x but i didn't' and then started to try and realised I actually couldn't.

[@matt2.019]

It happens to me when I don't know what to say -- when I'm aware that every choice of words available to me at the time would not bring any resolution to the situation.

[@Treenabeaner]

I saw someone begin calling selective mutism as a verbal shutdown and I feel like that made more sense to me. Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your tips. It truly helps me understand myself a little more.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

It feels the same to me as when I lose the ability to move some part of my body. There's just this block that stops the signal from getting there or it gets diverted into my imagination rather than to my body. Thankfully, it's gotten less common and less severe over time as I've accepted that there are going to be times where the only way that it's going to come out is if I blurt it out or it's in some fashion disfluent.

[@Silrielmavi]

ASL helps me and my husband so much. I learned American Sign Language in high school as my foreign language and continued to learn it through college. I've found several times where I can sign what I have in my head but can't say it, and I've been teaching my husband some ASL for the same reason.

[@tiegrsidesignsandstudio4794]

I've recently been thinking about trying to learn asl for this reason.

[@autieglow]

My husband and I have been wanting to learn this too, for times when my communication shuts down for awhile. My anxiety about learning a second language (from being put on the spot in class and struggling with traditional methods of teaching) is actually what contributed to a lot of shutdowns and selective mutism in my early years, and I grieve that it impacted my language abilities. I’d truly love to focus on ASL and gain that skill and be able to communicate in the moments when my voice leaves me.

[@tanningandtarot]

Respectfully- it’s like your brain short circuits. Like the neurons got lost and had to turn around. Watching this was fascinating. I do it but not to that degree - I’m not on the spectrum and when my brain does it I can pull myself out of it. Thank you for being candid and vulnerable with us so we can see this.

[@Jade-zu4ru]

if you don't mind me asking, how do you manage pull yourself out of it?

[@pandorabox5532]

​@@Jade-zu4ru Hello, autistic here. I used to barely speak during my teenage years. It has been a slow process and it has taken years, it's not like a discovered a hack to pull myself out of it. At least in my case I discovered my mutism came from feeling unsafe around other people (social cues are a nightmare and people are overstimulating) so I tried to maximize the circumstances that make me feel safe and self assured around others. I used some of the following tips: 1. If I'm in a group of people, I try to communicate with a person at a time. It doesn't matter that I'm not broadly participating in the groupal conversation, stressing about "not matching the energy" or fitting in just makes me more anxious and shuts down my speech. Speaking to a single person at a time helps me to feel at more ease. It's ok if I still seem shy or quiet, it's better than not speaking at all. 2. Smile even if I don't feel like it. There's a mechanism in the brain in which the act of smiling triggers serotonin and slightly reduces anxiety. It also helps to make you look more approachable and facilitates communicating with other people. 3. Paying more attention to the people around me. If I really concentrate in what other people is doing or saying, I'm suddenly more focused in that than my own anxiety and discomfort. And it makes it easier to find a conversation subject. But most importantly: 4. Accepting that It's ok if I am having a hard time speaking. It's ok if I can't fit in. It's ok if other people perceive me as quiet or shy. It's ok if other people have to always approach me first. Radical acceptance of the fact that sometimes you can't speak, paradoxically helps you to overcome it faster. Now, I didn't achieve being verbal overnight. There are still times when I still go mute and need more time to adjust or simply leave and take my time to breathe. Being patient with myself was key. It's more a matter of repetition and habit than a switch I pull and activate. I hope this helps ❤

[@godabandonedmesoibecameaba8984]

​@@pandorabox5532hi, I am a selective mute and I didn't talk to someone new until I was 12 years old. I want to say that your first advice is what helps me ease for the most of the time and I am really thankful that there's someone to give useful advice to people that need it.

[@F00tsie]

I have Selective Mutism, and for years was unable to use my voice to talk to friends (online via voice) or anyone. I got so tired of the isolation, and outcasting myself from friends I knew wanted me to use my voice, I actually started streaming so I could learn to use my voice in half-fluid conversations. My mutism came from not knowing how to respond normally/timely during conversation. But streaming helped A LOT. I actually get in voice chats now with people! I know I am still not great at conversation, but its nice to allow myself to be included.

[@cattymajiv]

That's really great that you have found something that helps.

[@ronnimekp8004]

I learned sign language and made my companion learn it as well. Sometimes accessing my voice is just not on the table, but i still want to express myself.

[@Rose-zy6vv]

As a child I was extremely quiet, I would never talk in school and had outbursts at home. I was teased incredibly bad and as an adult I wondered how I had friends but I figured out it was because the ones I attracted were the overbearing ones that would pinch me and hit me or boss me around. This is something I had to come to terms with as an adult. I never knew I was neurodiverse just that I had a learning disability. I am middle aged so there was not a lot of support in the eighties. I was constantly shamed for my differences. It took forty years to realize this and am constantly learning about neurodiversity and how to accept myself and all of my traits. Also, I process slower than many people so if I am thrown a nasty comment or off conversation I think about it later and get upset I didn’t say anything in the moment. Thank you for these videos, it really helps.

[@stellamariss3335]

I was also the extremely quiet child. And funny enough my youngest childhood friends were the bossy and extroverted kids who just carried me around and stuff. And I also have problems with not realizing or thinking about the situation until later. It’s like in the moment there’s no thoughts

[@SweetEvaporation]

I relate to having friends that would boss me around

[@kaiyaedmundson9021]

I had that today. I was really upset at a specific change while I was on a date with my boyfriend and my boyfriend got upset at me because he thought I was purposely ignoring him. And then once I was able to talk again, I asked him "do you ever get that feeling where you can't talk and it almost feels as if your choking?" When he replied "no," I realized that this might be another thing that has to do with my autism. There were so many times growing up and my dad would get so angry and raise his voice at me. But then I would just keep sitting there in silence because the words wouldn't come out. My head would be full of thoughts but then there was this really strong choking feeling deep down in my throat. I just always assumed that everyone around me had that too but were able to push through that choking feeling. It's just so fascinating to me every time I find a part of me that's actually my autism. I really love this channel because I get to see all these little things being talked about throughout the videos and on the comments:)

[@michaelfidalgo5797]

Yes! I’ve always had the feeling of choking with racing thoughts, and it’s usually when someone is confronting me about something.

[@Qetesh773]

Can you write a response in those situations?

[@yugeno]

i don't think that's selective mutism. people with sm don't just get it sometimes, it's a condition that they have all the time, and with the majority of people they physically won't be able to speak. it's normal to not be able to speak when you're overwhelmed.

[@cattymajiv]

@@yugenoThe woman in the video and almost every person here disagrees with what you just said. It's wrong. Are you autistic? Or are you just making stuff up? They have also very strongly rejected the term you have used for it.

[@aogasd]

I have this from anxiety too, and lately it has also included feeling physically limp and lifeless while still being perfectly able to formulate ideas in my head. It's like someone disconnected the hydraulics to my body, can't speak, can't even pick up a pen to write. Just limply stare at a wall until a thought or outside trigger distracts me enough to release the stress.

[@sweetie2052]

I been struggling with the same thing my whole life. And the most difficult part for me it’s that people have been rejecting me since I was a kid because of my boring and silent behavior. So I became someone that it’s impossible to me to get out of my house because I think people gone judge me and look at me weird. I have tried to tell my parents about this and about that deep anxiety it causes me and the only thing they say it’s : “ You have no problem, what are you talking about”. When I’ve been trying to express myself to them because I can’t stand it anymore and they just make me feel like I’m been so stupid or just making drama, and that I need be mature enough. What I have created a endless circle of depression, anxiety and anger, that I prefer not talk about and suffer in silent. I have no friends. And I barely use social media to communicate with others.

[@sweetie2052]

It’s just I don’t to feel guilty for being this way. Because I’ve tried everything and nothing change.

[@melissagomez6225]

You’ve just described my life. Don’t ever feel alone ❤

[@azimuthnext591]

@@sweetie2052 Your parents might also have a kind of behavioral problem , otherwise they would have noticed what you go through.

[@rismah8002]

@@sweetie2052 Because you don't need to change. We're perfect as we are. We don't need to be any other way. It's lonely but we see the world from a different lense. :)

[@DoriterEater]

Personally content like this that shows me I am not alone, and that I am valid in noticing that my brain is actually different and I am not some broken version of the average person helps me accept myself over time.

[@angienuelle]

As a kid I always became nonverbal at sleepovers. When it was time to go bed, I'd just stop talking even if the other girls were still up and talkative, and there was no way to get to me to speak in the morning. I wasn't diagnosed until last year, so now those situations make much more sense to me, especially since I remember always dreading sleepovers. Now I often become nonverbal at work which is a problem. I have to force myself to respond to customers and coworkers, but sometimes I just physically cannot, and will result to nodding, pointing, etc.

[@Buttondor345]

I feel so seen, heard and understood by this video and your channel in general. Everything that you said down to the emotions and sensations you feel when you're non verbal i related to, it almost made me tear up. When this would happen i would feel misunderstood and judged, i didn't have the labels or language to make other people understand. Another thing about this selective mutism is having trouble connecting thoughts to words and speech. i feel stupid and unintelligent when I am so eloquently spoken in my inner monologue. Its really fustrating!

[@Buttondor345]

this made me realise how much effort you put into your videos - thank you - i'm really grateful

[@jessicabrown11]

Yess!!! It’s frustrating hearing yourself so well spoken in your mind but when you try to talk out loud it either doesn’t come out or sound scattered. I even felt the need at times to show or prove to people I’m not that dumb, I’m smart and intelligent, but it really drains me. I don’t know why humans associate intelligence with the ability to speak eloquently. It’s frustrating, because there are people like us, our speech DO NOT say much about us and who we really are. I often find myself telling my friends at times that they haven’t met the real me. This condition has made me unconsciously hide my true self. In my inner world I have so much more personality, I’m such a fun, talkative, bubbly person. But then when I am put in social situations, even if they’re just my close friends, even if it’s between me and one other person, that personality just get locked up in me and I don’t have the courage or ability to show it. It’s so frustrating. Makes me look reserved, boring and quiet. I’m always that quiet girl in the corner, just listening but never contributing or responding. Does anyone know how to get out of this? I want to be free.

[@Thi-Nguyen]

This explains SO much about how I communicate!! I always just felt “stupid” for not being able to verbalize or not being able to speak coherently. Sometimes it’s like my brain won’t put words together at all or puts the wrong words together or in the wrong order. My ideal life - and a major goal - is to go off grid! I’m an avid gardener already, and used to canning and cooking and stuff. I’ve been researching (obsessively) things that are necessary for homesteading and going off grid. Singing was a tool I developed as a kid because I was in a choir. It helped to make my school experience a bit easier. I have always been an avid reader as well, but my favorite out-loud reading is when I’m reading the Bible or my inspirational Bible verses for the day.

[@dealman3312]

Amen!

[@user-unfriendly_-o-]

I (an autistic person) become nonverbal when I feel extreme pain or complex emotions which is the worst time to lose the ability to communicate. For example when I have a fever I can't call for help. Other than that I can't talk when I'm tired/annoyed or sometimes I just have nonverbal days where I can force myself to slowly say a few easy sentences, mostly excuses like "I'm tired" or "head hurts".

[@chaotika693]

I wasn't diagnosed with autism yet but I totally get you, whenever I feel complex emotions I go silent, and I have these days when I can barely speak and have the same excuses.

[@AliciaGuitar]

This happens when i have migraines. I have an AAC app and turn down the brightness on my phone to communicate.

[@pandorabox5532]

For years I wondered what was wrong with me. Every time I'm in an unfamiliar social environment, it's like I feel a tightness in my throat and chest and can't think of what to say or how to respond to what people tell me, and I struggle to barely let out a quiet, almost coerced voice. People who know me have told me that it is a very inconsistent part of my personality, because under normal circumstances I'm a very articulate person, I am at ease forming complex sentences in my mind but when I'm in an unfamiliar situation I go blank. It was a very frustrating experience growing up because it made me unable to make friends or have any normal social interaction. As I approached my 20's I started to slowly overcome it, but at times it's still hard to speak when I feel uncomfortable, but with much less intensity than in my teenage years.

[@ginger2153]

I feel like crying. I’ve dealt with this my whole life. I didn’t know there was a name for it.

[@hinavall3701]

I'm sitting in tears, this is the first time I hear someone talk about these things. I just want to say thank you, I feel seen

[@Kriszee4]

In 4th grade, my closest friend in class was a sweet girl who immigrated from India and spoke very little english. We didn't even speak eachother's languages but were able to connect somehow through our eager smiles and laughter 😊

[@lnf4084]

oh man. I think this has been a part of my life forever. my own parents/grandparents used to mock me for my blank face & lack of verbal responses :( they used to laugh bc the only word I would say was "no". developed horrible coping methods and am now no contact with most of the individuals who did not love me how I am. I am lucky now to have a partner who understands many of my struggles. its pretty sad to me that most people take one look at me and pin me as a bad guy bc of my face and overall demeanor, meanwhile I know I wouldn't even hurt a fly... they just think I'm a Mean Girl bc of the way I look, and often I don't have the energy to show how kind I am. so I just let everyone think what they want... its easier even though it hurts. I too desire to live on a farm surrounded by plants and animals :) oddly my cats have always understood me, yet people rarely feel like they understand cats. how goofy

[@marilynnobbe8034]

I think of cats as being autistic like me. It is so comforting to be around them because they give me company and touch without making social demands. I love dogs, too. But they can be much more socially demanding and I sometimes find them to be nearly as exhausting as people. I find my definition of a really good friend is someone who I can just be with in the same room physically without talking, or needing to explain why we are not talking. Cats are among my best friends.

[@sleepingwhale]

Maybe humans are the ones who are kind of messed up if we can relate so much to animals. They are pure. Dont feel bad about being pure.

[@cattymajiv]

@@marilynnobbe8034 Horses are wonderful too!

[@joycebrewer4150]

​@@marilynnobbe8034Some cats are. I don't recommend Siamese or half-Siamese cats.

[@rozenn6952]

I'm not sure if I'm autistic or if it's just social anxiety, but I do go through episodes where it requires efforts for me to talk, once I do I can go over this feeling and words will flow quite naturally (despite occasional stutter or weird phrasing), but I was wondering why I don't feel like talking at all. It was to a point where I considered (and still wish) to learn sign langage. So I could at least show people I was willing to communicate, just not verbally. When I get overwhelmed I occasionally shut down in a way I can't talk. If I try to, I will fall in tears.

[@rachelramsey8994]

I am reminded of how I've often felt jealous of people knowing how to sign to communicate to one another. I'd just think to myself how much easier and less stressful life would be for me. Less awkwardness would feel so liberating.

[@rozenn6952]

@@rachelramsey8994 The only problem left is that the person you're signing to MUST understand sign language, which is a important factor of why I have yet to motivate myself to do so. There's also the fact I wouldn't know how to explain why I'm chosing to talk in a non-verbal way :')

[@rachelramsey8994]

@@rozenn6952 lol. Sometimes I just can't get a "thank you" out when an employee catches me off guard and says, "Thanks for coming!", and I just wave and smile. You know, if we signed "thank you " that person wouldn't know we aren't deaf. And when a salesperson is coming towards you, just sign "No!" (or "No thank you.") One of these people came up to me three times to ask if I needed help once while I was "window shopping".

[@annie.hi.]

When my teenager gets like this I’ve learned to hand over paper and pen. Often that helps but not always

[@mikaexley5063]

I was diagnosed with selective mutism before I was diagnosed with autism when I was 11 (though it affected me before) (I was diagnosed with autism at 14) it was the most painful and lonely experience, especially to go into high-school with. I couldn’t talk to teachers at all and could only sometimes talk to friends, I barely spoke after leaving the house. I was told off because of it. There were people at school who suffered with depression and anxiety but no-one didn’t speak except me and I was the weird kid. Constantly picked on in class when people said to me, “why don’t you just speak?” Getting yelled at by teachers. Constant panic attacks because people tried to force me to speak. I still sometimes go non verbal today, I live in a care home now and the staff sometimes say, “you’re not non verbal. You can speak.” And i scream inside my head. They don’t know the half of it. They weren’t there to see my childhood be destroyed by a silence I wanted rid of.

[@thousanduniverses]

I wish you all the best! 💜Your last sentence describes having this experience very well ...

[@AbbysalWarrior72756]

This describes my entire school life..

[@mikaexley5063]

@@thousanduniverses thank you so much

[@mikaexley5063]

@@AbbysalWarrior72756 I’m so sorry you went through a similar experience, it is so lonely :(

[@AbbysalWarrior72756]

@@mikaexley5063 it really is since i had trouble fitting in.:(

[@Skyjy10]

I constantly experience this mental silence, non-verbal moments, especially in stressful situations like taking lectures, finishing a school report, give a speech etc. I often thought to myself that “why can’t I talk? why am I like this?” but almost nobody (I mean neurotypical people because they are everywhere, can’t escape from them) can understand what I felt. Now there’s somebody who shares the same struggle and make it into a video, thank you for making me less alone.

[@cattymajiv]

@Lucas Milito That's it. I am reporting you for spamming. How dare you advertise your non-effective junk here!

[@ladykarolyn1]

Those clips of pushing yourself to record on difficult days was so validating for me. I've questioned whether my nonverbal moments (or days) are for real because I can *force* myself to get some words out of my mouth. That whole, "am I making this up?" imposter syndrome thing. But I recognized myself in those clips, and the way you describe it feeling sounded like my experience too. Thanks for sharing those personal, vulnerable moments.

[@bluegreenyellowme]

I love the outtakes and how you showed mutism IRL. That’s the first time for me seeing someone else experience mutism and it was comforting in a way.

[@MihaelaFroehlich]

My daughter was diagnosed at a very young age. Not only she would not speak she would also for the lack of better description "disappear." Sometimes she would literally freeze and not move even eyes if she would find that suddenly someone other than immediate family members were there. COVID actually helped because she could grow with slow limited exposure. She is six now and has begun talking to people outside of our family but still in certain situations will freeze with words and actions. She is homeschooled but has a number of activities in which environment is gentle and in ways predictable. She goes to choir and we have watched her go from frozen not moving and not singing to now singing and moving with a bit of reservation.

[@jimwilliams3816]

Freeze, I know that well. At least in my case, fight/flight/freeze/fawn feels very much like what it looks like in a wild animal. That makes sense because which humans have an unusually large prefrontal cortex, the nervous system hasn’t changed that much the course of evolution, and is pretty similar among lots of species.

[@luke2193]

I've been trying to work out whether my situations are situational mutism or simple partial seizures because of the way that I can freeze. So confusing.

[@tayzzle]

I think you’re doing a great job with your daughter, my mom has been also very patient with me and I can tell you I’m able to speak and feel a little confident about myself (I’m 23 now). It takes a lot of patience and love to learn how to live with it but it’s possible when you have good people around you. ❤

[@coryvan5645]

I lost one of my best friends in part because she was offended when I was nonverbal after spending a week vacationing with her and another friend. I apologized (something I would never have done had I known I was Autistic, and my nonverbalness was outside my control) later because I felt terrible that I couldn’t speak and be “pleasant.” She didn’t accept my apology because she didn’t think it was sincere… Thank you for sharing your tips and tricks. I too work with people, and this will be very helpful.

[@cattymajiv]

She sounds like a real idiot. She is very rude and inconsiderate. She practically accused you of lying. I'm so sorry that she is not the friend that you thought she was.

[@coryvan5645]

@@cattymajiv thank you. This happen ten years ago and it is a hurt that still hasn’t healed. She said many other cruel things along with that, but I don’t need to get into that…

[@cattymajiv]

@@coryvan5645 I'm very sorry that it happened to you. Please know that you are not in any way at fault. ❤ ❤ ❤

[@coryvan5645]

@@cattymajiv thank you. 💙💙

[@strawbearrySmoothie]

Thank you for sharing the footage of you attempting to speak while nonverbal! Really helps me understand what's going on when I have moments like this. It's been bothering me for years and I had no idea what was going on...

[@jclyntoledo]

Not on the spectrum just have social anxiety issues and this happens whenever I'm in grps. I literally tell all my friends and everyone that knows me personally that if you want me to be comfortable and actually talk it has to be one on one or at most two on one. I could maybe do me and three other ppl but only if everyone is familiar to me and that will probably still make me have it just mildly. Also when I was younger like as a child this happened so much in school and I really wish my parents would have put me in therapy then bc it really made my life so much more difficult than it had to be.

[@LacerationGraviT]

Same, when I’m with my friend and their friends who I’m unfamiliar with I can barely speak even though I want to, it sucks because its seen as me not wanting to talk to them, but I literally just can’t

[@sleepingwhale]

Relate exactly to everything you said.

[@RiannaNicole]

I suffer from anxiety and have felt that I at least relate to autistics, if I’m not myself (not formally diagnosed). At the start, when it mentioned about severe anxiety with selective mutism, it really resonated with me. It crippled me on my last job where I was a phone support person. I knew I had the information to help people, but there was days where I just couldn’t bring myself to talk, and it heightened my anxiety and feeling of overstimulation. It crippled my performance reviews and my attendance. Now thankfully I’m at a different job where I’m not speaking, it’s all text and computer based.

[@jessicabrown11]

It’s crazy how this video explained so much about me that i couldnt really understand before and no one did either. My parents were often asked by their friends, who seemed shocked and concerned to my smile and glance at the floor when they asked a question, if I was mute and they said, oh no she’s just a shy girl. But as I grew up, I knew I wasn’t shy because I didnt feel shyness, it’s the incapability to respond or talk, so I portray myself as being shy. It’s hard to explain to my parents, but I often describe it as the feeling of my throat being closed up by a lock. I know what I want to say but cannot for the life of me express it. My tongue freezes and I lose control. I hope more people are aware of this so that we can be more understanding of one another. I swear I’m not cold or mean, neither am I shy. Thank you for this video btw! ❤

[@cattymajiv]

What does the word shy even mean? I think it's a non-word, or that it doesn't have a meaning.

[@neiladlerart2493]

Trauma has wiped out much of my ability to speak. Now I realize that I've been forcing myself to speak my whole life. Speaking in most situations has always been stressful. I think that most of my speaking ability is a mask that I developed to meet social expectations. Life has been difficult lately and I'm not able to function to meet the requirements of adult life. Pretty scary times as my life is falling apart and my ability to communicate is very limited.

[@VermilionNovak]

YES. When ever I got In trouble as a child it was very bad, my parents thought I was just having attitude but I physically couldn’t speak. It happens today during confrontational conversations, or times that I have to talk about things that are hurting me. I am very lucky to have a partner who is incredibly good at adapting to the changes in my conversation abilities and gives me the space to think without the pressure of judgement when my brain freezes, which often helps me recoup because I’m not as scared.

[@SerafinaP]

Hmm your comment got me thinking. My partner becomes annoyed when this happens to me. Tends to get angrier. Occasionally makes fun of me when it happens in the middle of an argument. Or corrects my words. I tend to slur and forget words and blend them together. I didn't know any partner would act as yours does in an argument.

[@cattymajiv]

@Lucas Milito Still reporting every 1 of your spam posts. How dare you use autistic people and the people who love them as a scam! What a crook!

[@crystalokeefe197]

This connects with me so deeply.

[@E.M.M_A]

So interesting! Before you talked about the script I was thinking about the concept. I got in trouble with my supervisor the other day. I kept responding to her work “ok” while she was talking to me about being late and then I said “I don’t know what to say.” I literally did not know how else to respond though. She said “usually people apologize for what they did wrong and say they will change.” I knew I messed up and I wasn’t trying to give excuses or anything. I just knew how to say “ok” in that moment but that was me being rude.

[@rachelramsey8994]

I have experienced similar exchanges. The boss is telling you how to respond, which, honestly, right now- just thinking about that-makes me feel very angry.

[@E.M.M_A]

Exactly! And I heard from someone else that she was told that I was being rude but the people with me at the time that it happened did not think so. I messaged her the next day to apologize and she never responded. She also isn’t picking up my calls so there’s that. Also, the incident happened over the phone. I picked up her call on my watch and was having a hard time hearing her so I was focused on that too

[@cattymajiv]

@@E.M.M_A You were not a bit rude. She is rude and incompetent. As long as you were reasonably polite and not actually insubordinate, no decent boss would mind what you said or didn't say. It's what you DO that matters. If you were admonished for being late, just don't be late any more. That addresses the problem she chose to bring up, and it should be enough. She is behaving in an extremely childish way. If this becomes a bigger problem you might consider going to the HR or Human Resources Dept, and explain to them, and ask for a transfer. Don't go into a long list of complaints about her, because that doesn't look good, but DO EXPLAIN that you are on the spectrum, or that you think you are. Tell them all the things you said here, including the thing with your watch and being unable to hear, and DO tell them that she is not responding when you are trying to explain to her. Tell them that the 2 of you are incompatible, and would both be better off not working together. Make a written list of talking points to take with you, and take a notepad and paper with you in case you need it. Also take a bottle of water to moisten your mouth. If you feel you didn't get your point across at the HR meeting, then afterwards write to the same person you saw and put it into a letter, being as concise as you can be. You are not at all the problem here. She is.

[@patriciajacques7653]

This is so validating already and I am only a few minutes in! When I was young I got picked on for being so quiet, especially during fun family events like weddings etc and I would sit by myself. When someone would come over and try to talk to me they would bring up that I am not talking by jokes like “cat got your tongue?” or “Do you ever stop talking!” Etc that just made me feel less able to speak! Even as an adult I find myself doing it at work. Someone will ask me a question and I have to really fight a response out of myself for them. It’s so hard though: most of the time I want to say something or laugh with someone and begin a conversation etc and I just can’t. It’s just stuck. Like my mouth is stuck shut.

[@lulumoon6942]

It's getting worse as I get older. And yes, these tips help! Thank you for sharing these moments.

[@miranda4073]

I appreciate that you mention how being non-verbal/selective mutism is a spectrum and not an either/or. I don't go non-verbal often - usually when I do, its because I've gotten overstimulated and not had enough time alone. I will get to a point where talking feels painful. I can almost always force through it, which I think is why I've never thought of myself as someone who goes non-verbal - but the pain is still there, even though I'm able to do it, and if I'm able to choose in those moments, I would choose to be silent. I have always been someone who sings a lot, and it's a way of stimming for me. Sometimes when I am having trouble expressing an idea or feel uncomfortable, I will sing it with a little melody, and maybe that helps me get it out.

[@JoieDeVivr3]

Thank you so much for bringing up this topic in detail and providing such great tips! Before I was diagnosed with autism as an adult I had no idea I struggled with selective mutism. As a child teachers completely misunderstood my non verbal moments, since I was able to talk with a few classmates and according to my family I was completely verbal at home. They thought I was just refusing to answer their questions on purpose and labeled me as difficult and defiant. Then as an adult I struggled with oral presentations and participating in group discussions in college, I knew what I wanted to say but the moment it was my turn to speak I would go blank, then panic when I realized I was stuck. It was extremely frustrating and I didn't understand what was happening or why, especially when I really wanted to participate. More people need to be aware of selective mutism especially relating to autism and your video is spreading the word! 👏

[@spiicyliime22]

This was me too as a child. The teachers treated me like I was deaf though and moved me to the front of the classroom..

[@NE0Nwhip]

I've been a chronically quiet person for most of my entire life. I feel blank brained too. Exploring my human design has brought light to some of these qualities as well

[@jackelinesierra1342]

I get like this oftentimes when I’m upset. I cry and get so frustrated with myself because I can’t verbalize my feelings and it feels like I’m trapped in a glass box in my own head. It normally only happens with my boyfriend because he’s the only person I can unmask around but even that is really difficult for me because I can’t express my feelings to him. I’m in grad school to become a therapist so I’m thankful that I have resources that I can use for myself since I can’t afford therapy. Thanks for validating our experiences because like you said, it’s hard to find other people like us talking about this

[@pierresosa6988]

Thak you for sharing this. As an early-childhood teacher, working with selective mutism was my hardest challenge. I was expected to be an arbiter of justice, but couldn't negotiate the child at fault to apologize. I couldn't gather verbal data from students, and not understanding the cause, misinterpreted it as my being a bad teacher. And with 13 other students to manage, and with parents who don't want to hear recommendations for their child to be assessed, I burned out. There isn't a lot literature on this condition, and it's impossibly inaccessible on the budget of an early-childhood educator. I would have loved to have heard any bits of your advice, to just try something else and build those behavior patterns that lead to self-management. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@yemmiecapricornus3586]

the examples at 7:30 are me, i FELT that! the way i explain it to friends is, it feels like talking costs a lot of mana sometimes, while for everyone else it's a cantrip (i know not everyone else will understand what any of that means lol). thank you for this video. i think i have some redefining to do. i thought this couldn't be it because i only struggle to talk sometimes, not always completely unable. i also feel like it gets worse if i have attention. like if someone stops what they're doing to look at me and listen to me, i get all jammed up like that way more. humming and singing is probably a great tip, i'll try to remind myself to do that more.

[@copperstewart5910]

Thank you. I was verbally precocious and am generally highly verbal (often my inner pictures ARE orthography, and I do art that includes a lot of repreprentations of language), but selective mutism has always been a factor that is especially activated by extreme anxiety (such as job interviews), meaningless conflict, or trauma triggers. I have to battle it at the dentist, in those interviews, and if I'm stopped by a traffic cop. In those contexts, I always manage to do so with some discernible hesitation (easier if I close my eyes), but with lots of need for immediate sleep and recovery time. I have always felt "near" the non-verbal. For example, I was always able to reach non-verbal meditation states fast and could not really understand why so many people thought it almost impossible to get there or even conceive what it is. To me, it doesn't even seem special.

[@megb9700]

Thank you, you are a very articulate person inside. I work with severely autistic children who are labeled non-verbal, but outside, or in quiet moments alone they do talk with me. The other teachers don’t believe me, because I can’t get the kids to replicate their words. As soon as other teachers are around, the selective mutism kicks in again. Soft repetitive songs help soothe and coax more verbalizing too. I’m beginning to think all of the kids ARE verbal to some degree.

[@AliciaGuitar]

I was able to get a "nonverbal" boy to speak and the other teachers SCREAMED and made such a big deal about it he probably never did it again 😢 i was just a temporary volunteer. I wish i could have persued teaching special ed, but my own disabilities held me back. Too bad more autistic ppl are not special ed teachers. I think we do a much better job not being intimidating to students.

[@sunnysketches]

I am not diagnosed, but i am almost 100% sure im neurodivergent. I’ve been researching ADHD and ASD for a while now, and a couple days ago I think I might’ve gone non verbal(I’m not sure but how you described it fit what I felt) short story time: Me and my friend and her family went to the movies, and then decided to walk around the mall. We went to a couple shops and overall I was just physically and mentally tired after watching the movie and everything. We went to the food court and the minute we walked in it felt so, like, idk how to explain it, heavy? And my voice kinda shut off, and my mind went blank. I was aware of everything, the sounds, light, people. When we went to order, I forced myself to talk and it was so unbelievably uncomfortable, and after I didn’t talk. After I sat down it was slightly easier to collect my thoughts, and I signed to my friend(we are both learning asl), “Me no talk” and she nodded and we signed for a bit. She has a brother with ASD, and we both are wondering if we are neurodivergent and have been researching together. She is one of my closest friends and it brings me comfort that I have someone with similar experiences to mine! I love your channel so much! (Sorry about how long this comment was). Also I forgot to mention that I didn’t start talking again till we got back to her house around30-40 min later

[@sophie-sm9qr]

you were just overwhelmed 😭

[@sunnysketches]

@@sophie-sm9qr even if that’s so, it wasn’t fun and it wasn’t the first time that’s happened, I was just sharing my experience

[@spiralghosts]

@@sophie-sm9qr is that true though? From what I understand neurotypical people don't simply become unable to talk when they're a bit overwhelmed. Overstimulation is a neurodivergent/neuro-atypical thing, or no?

[@cattymajiv]

@@sunnysketches Your comment was fine. Not long at all. Many others have also related stories. Yours is interesting and helpful. I wish you good luck.

[@sunnysketches]

@@spiralghosts sorry I really was your reply wrong, that’s what mean. That’s just one of the reasons I’m researching :)

[@skernilmpmcplorgins2185]

This video is so nice to see. Whenever it happens to me (like right now as I'm typing) talking feels impossible, as if a literal cat has my tongue. It feels like my neural network no longer remembers how to move my mouth. I like to describe it as my mouth being broken a lot of the time.

[@carmagurl317]

Thank you for sharing. I'm a speech pathologist and trying to incorporate the emotional side of things more into my practice. Helps to hear your perspective. On a separate note, all of your outfits are so cute !

[@battlepoet]

I have a friend with selective mutism, so this video helped me learn a lot. Thank you for sharing.

[@Elizabeth-hc1cb]

very informational . Being diagnosed with c-ptsd I’ve heard many people be misdiagnosed for borderline personality disorder or autism due to overlapping symptoms. Watching and learning from people who have borderline personality disorder and autism manage their day to day lives helps me learn from myself as well. Thank you for this video it’s not always easy being vulnerable ❤

[@shar0ndipity2009]

I don't have an autism diagnosis but I was a kid with selective mutism all throughout preschool & early primary/elementary school. I can still recall the feelings of anxiety associated with the episodes.. I've never thought about this following me into adulthood until i watched the examples u've showed & relate SO MUCH to it. I constantly get annoyed with myself for being sooo incoherent on some days & I've also mentioned to my friends that I have a brain/mouth disconnect.. Thanks for this video for the perspective that maybe my childhood struggle is still within me despite how well I've learned to cope. I will need to be nicer to myself & perhaps looking into different strategies as how u suggested instead of just being annoyed with myself.

[@kazkazoodles]

I don’t have any diagnoses, but I can relate to this. If I’m feeling overwhelmed/anxious, exhausted/socially burnt out, or sometimes out of the blue (even if I’m feeling alright), I just cannot talk. I have no warning when it happens, it just *happens*. It’s worse when it’s at work because I can’t just go somewhere to hide and take time for myself to collect and re-ground. Thankfully, I have a friend who works with me, so if there’s something I can’t communicate with broken hand signals during a time when I cannot speak (not ASL, just hand signs that make sense to people), I can just grab a receipt and a pen/marker and quickly write down what it is I need to communicate. I just let it run its course until my mouth “unlocks” itself. If I try and force myself to talk, I start to do one of these things: stumble, stutter, borderline whisper/mutter (just talk really softly and in incomplete sentences so I use as little words as possible). Quite often I also, in general, just have a lot of trouble speaking in my daily life in terms of saying what I need to say coherently. It’s always in jumbled messes of sentences with a lot of bouncing back and fourth. There are times when I can speak clearly and express coherently, but a lot of the times I do have trouble. I’ve had trouble with these “mute episodes” for as long as I can remember. I remember old friends expressing frustration over something I was completely unaware of (aka: becoming quiet when I’m upset) and I never really took notice of it until mid to late high school when I wouldn’t talk and kind of disappear into my own world (my friends always tried to include me in their group regardless and they would try and get me to at least giggle with stupid jokes, but still understood that if I wasn’t going to talk, then I wasn’t going to and they’d still keep me in their company which was very sweet of them [: ). I’m just glad that I now have people in my life who understand without me having to explain that I can’t talk. Typically, comfort songs or like you said, really high-energy songs can help me to feel better, especially if I can get some time alone to myself to re-group. I really appreciate this video and whenever I can, I’ll definitely talk to a professional about this. :]

[@jennv2948]

As someone who does not experience things like this (not on the spectrum, no social anxiety, etc), this was so interesting to learn about and helpful in trying to understand what others go through. It’s been really interesting reading the comments as well. Thank you for sharing.

[@sweetpeahunnybee]

I was literally just thinking about how I wish that I liked to talk as much as other people but the truth is I actually hate talking and would never do it again if I didn’t have to. I relate to everything you said in this video …feeling like I can’t talk sometimes randomly and feeling like it almost hurts to say something. And when my mom asks me a question I can’t reply right away and she gets frustrated at me. I have extreme anxiety about talking to people because I’m worried that I can’t process things as quickly as they can. I love talking one on one with a friend who I can relate to but huge groups trigger me and I usually don’t say much unless someone directly talks to me. It feels a little bit better that I’m not alone but I also wish that this didn’t happen to anyone 😞

[@zevrxn]

i never heard someone describing being nonverbal in the way you're describing it and it's precisely specifically how i feel it. it's like it's on the tip of my tongue but my mouth refuses to open. sometimes it's hard to even remember words, sometimes i'm having a coherent stream of thought, it just doesn't come out. also sometimes along with it comes difficulty moving (that's when dissociation starts to be part of it, when i start feeling distant from my body in general) but it doesn't always involve dissociating.

[@aevieb5463]

i have autism and selective mutism and never really thought that other people have gone through the same exact things as i have, but watching this video i related so strongly to every word being said. I don't wish to have selective mutism as it makes every day things very difficult for me. for example yesterday was my second day at my new job as a dishwasher and I work with my sister and a lot of her friends which I think helps a bit but I was going nonverbal at the worst time when we got a big rush of dishes and I didn't know where things went and was too anxious to ask anyone so I broke down crying because whenever im nonverbal I get a lump in my throat and my eyes just start making so many tears idk where they come from I must have like a gallon of tears stored behind my eyes because jesus its a lot. but anyways, i started crying which obviously made it worse and I kinda forgot that that isn't a "normal" reaction so my sister was being all confused and weird and told me to just go take a break and then go back but I needed her help but I obviously couldn't tell her that so when I did go back I just awkardly stood there not knowing who to talk to. it was very stressful and now I am worried that they all think there is something wrong with me. I'm nervous to go back too because I don't want it to happen again and I don't want them to think that I am like rude or unprofessional. I think it was also worse because my sisters boyfriend wasnt there that day and hes like one of those people that when they walk in a room you instantly feel safe and comfortable around and he was there helping me my first day but wasnt the second so hopefully I will be working on days that he is there too. sorry for the random rant in this comment section lol but I just wish there was something I could do to make it go away or have things be less stressful without having to have them all know that I have selective mutism because even without them realizing it, people do look at me different like more of a child than my actual age when I tell them this. idk it just makes me feel as if I will never have a job or be in a social situation where I am actually comfortable and not anxious or stressed the whole time.

[@marilynnobbe8034]

It's useful that you break down being nonverbal as both the process of getting your thoughts in order, and a second barrier of physically managing to talk. If you think of them separately you can deal with them one at a time. Sometimes I wake up in bed and lie there for a long time, thinking that I need to move but being physically unable to do so. It is counterproductive to blame myself for laziness. What works is to concentrate on moving one finger, and then one hand. I go through the body, willing each part to move. By the time I fully stretch my legs I can get up. The trance is broken. It works the same way that humming can help you to talk. Sometimes the only way to deal with a problem is to break it down into the smallest possible parts.

[@apost_ev4]

i experienced it for what i thought was the first time this weekend. It was physically impossible to let out any sound, i couldn't even force myself. It happened after a long shutdown. And after thinking about it (a lot), i actually realised it had happened before, and in fact it happened very oftn !!! Like for exemple during my shutdown, i am non verbal. When i was a kid, i didn't talked much, i was just being non verbal. In stressful conversation like teachers/parents meeting, i couldn't speak a word. The more i learn about autism, the more i accept i am autistic, the more my whole life makes sense. It's just so sad and frustrating that i don't have anyone i can share it with.

[@TheMusicalElitist]

I actually have an incredibly bad stammer when I'm faced with social situations. It's incredibly stressing and it takes me a while to talk again.

[@PageTurner13]

I’m autistic and my non verbal experiences are very much the same. I’m a writer so I developed a habit of opening my docs and just reading the last thing I wrote. It almost always works but I’ve never been able to put into words why that is, lol. This video was very helpful, thank you.

[@lydjautaszatkowska534]

I suffer from selective mutism, and having to work and force myself to talk to costumers is awful. The part you talk about working and ending up looking cold and dissociating rings true... The only solution i found is hiding in the restroom for a few minutes and push through the pain. Not the best, so i'll try your tips. Thank you.

[@Velena_rodz]

I have been watching your videos the last few days and feel that so much of what you talk about resonates with me. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was age 7 and have speculating the last couple of years that I may have autism. I finally get my evaluation in January. I have a difficult time with speaking around people and always remain non-verbal. I have been called out on it and have lost out on quite a few friendships because of it. When I am able to talk, I can't put my thoughts to words and sound quite stupid, in my opinion. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. What you do really helps out the community understand more about ourselves.

[@MidiElls]

I experienced selective mutism from ages six to fourteen. In school, I gradually became less and less confident to talk. It started with my peers, then went on to teachers and everyone else. I was very self-conscious and could not eat in front of people, play on the playground, make friends, participate in sports, receive awards on stage, or do anything that brought attention to myself. I would clench my jaw a lot and to this day still have jaw problems like you said in this video. I would bite the insides of my mouth or pinch myself to inflict pain to allow my thoughts to focus on something other than the anxiety I was feeling. After homeschooling at age 14, I didn't really notice it anymore. Starting work has definitely helped me come out of my shell. I no longer experience selective mutism and I love talking with just about anyone! :)

[@bobbibrooks5377]

Thank you. I have this and didn't know there was a name for it. My husband yells at me to "speak!", all the time because either I can't think or I say it in my head, but doesn't come out of my mouth.

[@susanscott7507]

I feel every pause in your clips... so much, so often... gotta be the hardest part for me. Thank you for your vulnerability and courage- it helps so much!

[@anahidkassabian4471]

Great vid! This is my first time here, and I’m very impressed. I’m not autistic, but the combination of MS and aging (I’m 63) have created some related problems for me, which has been especially difficult because thinking and speaking on my feet used to be my ‘superpower’. But now, I have multiple interrelated challenges: I can’t find the words I want, I get very wrong words, and/or I lose my train of thought completely and freeze. In the moment, all of those things feel impossible to recover from, though of course they aren’t. Several of your tips sound like they might rally be helpful, so I’ll definitely give it a go. And again, many, many thanks for a job very well done indeed (and apologies for the essay!).

[@cattymajiv]

Wow! We are so similar! I'm also 63 with MS, and communicating used to be my forte too, but it's not anymore. I'm depressed, and I just want to be alone now. Best of luck to you.

[@anahidkassabian4471]

@@cattymajiv And to you, too, Cathy. It’s very frustrating and depressing. I would be a total wreck without my therapist. No one could go through it without being depressed, I don’t think.I feel like I’m constantly grieving yet another thing I can no longer do as well as I once could. There’s plenty I still enjoy doing, though I almost always confront some at least minor loss along the way.

[@rileystein6195]

I don't have autism, but I have pretty bad social anxiety and self esteem issues, which is why I tend to be quiet around people, especially when I don't know them very well. These tips are great. I'll try them out.

[@LoopyBeans]

seriously thank you for including those clips in the spectrum portion. i started a new job a year ago much different than my last one and now having video calls daily is so depleting and your descriptions were spot on

[@efkastner]

The montage at 7:15 really hit hard (and also showed how awesome your style is!). I could feel it in my bones even though I think what I experience in times like that is different(?). I’m pretty sure when I’m having moments like that, it’s my ADHD and it feels like I have too many thoughts trying to come out of my mouth at the same time. One of the biggest benefits of meds for me is putting my thoughts in a single file line that I can then speak aloud

[@fanficdaddy]

Couldnt have said it better myself. I would perpare full conversations ahead of time just in case this would happen to me without even realizing it

[@thesolitarydudess5864]

This describes me exactly! Thank you for putting it into words so perfectly! At its worst, I literally could not yell, which was scary.

[@stellamariss3335]

This is just so bizarre that I have had this without knowing what it is. I have struggled being nonverbal throughout childhood and I had so much emotional and internal turmoil from not understanding why i couldn’t just speak sometimes, why I was suddenly unable to have any thoughts. I always described it as a barrier between myself and the world. Like who I usually am is gone and I’m just a fragment of it and watching from inside a cage and feeling suffocated and constant stress and anxiety bubbling inside but too numb to be taken over by it.

[@rampagingshark]

Thank you so much for this video. I was at a friend's house yesterday and he's been stressed about finding a job and ended up being so cruel to me I ended up shutting down. I stood there and I couldn't talk and I couldn't move. I just couldn't move. It was scary because I haven't shut down in a long time and it hurts so much standing in one spot for so long. But I tried to leave and grabbed my pack and he shot me a mean look and said something that caused me to freeze in a new position holding my heavy backpack. I started crying but I couldn't talk and I couldn't move. After any two hours I was finally able to leave and I drove home and stayed in my room all day. I haven't interacted with anyone and I have no desire to say anything or sing to myself or anything. I notice that I'm also non verbal I do what you do. And what irritates me is when I'm struggling to force myself to talk or say something to someone and I freeze they'll 98% of the time cut me off and say something like "or don't even worry about it" or they'll walk away or they'll just not give me the politeness of waiting for need to answer. They don't have that patience. If I'm having a bad day and I'm angry I can snap at them. But the worst is having a normal conversation and then suddenly I can't remember what it was about or what I was saying and new thoughts flood my head and replace those other thoughts. And I need to take a minute to process it. I sometimes don't even say what I want to say. I'll lie and make up the best answer I think I should say. After I think on the question tho I'll often form a different opinion altogether with assertiveness. It's fucking exhausting. I hate that people are born just naturally able to socialize and think without being mentally aware and conscious about it. If I'm being yelled at especially or scolded or talked down to (I'm a 200 pound 6'2 man in LA you wouldn't believe how many people act like they can't see me, that I am unimportant or that im here to be insulted or looked down on from people who have to look up at me) I can't talk. I end up listening to what I'm told and I point but like you said it physically feels like a cheese grater on my soul, every word is a slice. Or dragging a bloodied leg through sandpaper. Makes it worst when people go as far as say they can't stand listening to my voice. Abuse can happen to anyone folks. And even intimidating looking tall broad shouldered men can really be kittens inside struggling to find some kindness from anyone.

[@glenntukes4021]

this has really opened my eyes to what my son is going through.. There needs to be more awareness of this disorder to help people/parents to understand and be able to help their children. Thank you for sharing

[@animemangaluv13]

!!!!!! So important to speak about ! Thank you for speaking on this, because there are very different approaches and verbiage on this. I grew up with Selective mutism. I grew up with social anxiety and now I just have severe anxiety but very high functioning now. I work with children with autism and working to get my masters degree in psychology! The difference between the children with their parents and the children with me is amazing to see now that I work with them. I absolutely love this area and hope to continue to be the voice for them because I used to not have a voice myself.

[@cattymajiv]

How wonderful for you and for them! I'm so glad! Thanks very much for telling us. ❤

[@IIITrunks]

Thank you for being vulnerable and showing examples of your selective mutism. I only learned about SM in the past year but its definitely something I've experienced in certain contexts. Its definitely due to social burnout, but also sometimes due to my specific relationships. I think I feel a lot of implicit pressure from my mum to act a certain way or to appear more like what she would want her child to be. And Ive been very quiet around her especially when I've lived with her. She doesnt understand and of course I get the "you're acting like a sulking teenager" etc etc.

[@kirknay]

When I'm in a burnout state, I tend to go somewhat nonverbal when I can, only speaking when it can't be conveyed with body language or gestures. Extreme stress basically forces me to think as simply as possible, and that gets transferred to language.

[@capertongillett]

Thank you so much for including those clips with an explanation of what's going on in your head. I could see myself in them SO much -- the things I do, the situations where it happens, the things I'm thinking and feeling at the time. I've heard about situational mutism before, but this is the first time I've been able to really see myself in it, and I appreciate you being willing to make yourself vulnerable like that.

[@cattymajiv]

@Lucas Milito Yup. Reporting them all.

[@videocliplover]

This is the most comprehensive explanation of selective mutism I’ve seen and heard. Thank you. You’re the first person to explain it in a way I can understand.

[@blatio8131]

This makes so much sense! I have ocd, adhd, and I’m on the spectrum. I need to accept that it’s ok to be quiet sometimes. And I notice the way to get over it during my job (I’m a social services analyst and interviewing clients for programs is the majority of my work) is when I stumble or stutter or pause, I say “excuse me” and then continue with what I was going to say. And I feel some people just trigger my mutism and some don’t 😂 I try to mirror their way of talking to reduce difficulty.

[@blatio8131]

OH and a rose quartz roller helps with the tmj 👍🏼

[@blatio8131]

OH and I roll a stone around in my hand sometimes when I’m talking and it helps or wear my turquoise earrings to help the throat chakra. Or I’ll wear a head scarf on the days I’m specifically stressed and feeling like I can’t talk to cover the crown chakra to protect my energy.

[@heathercarr8520]

As an SLP, I really appreciate hearing these tips. I’ve worked a number of students who struggle with selective mutism, sometimes associated with autism and sometimes not. I want to do anything I can to help them. I can tell that they feel so frustrated when they’re expected to speak and just can’t.

[@christinadonnelly781]

Very familiar. If I try to speak on non verbal days I look like I am under the influence of something. What it feels like in my head is that I am searching through fog to find a word. I have to drag it through the mud to hook it up to my voice and push it out of my mouth. It happens at night almost every night but I can wake up like that too. It usually means I am getting a cold or a migraine or it almost always happens right before my period. I am really thinking that it is associated with inflammation and MCAS flares when it happens for a whole day or multiple days. My native language in my head is pictures so I have to actually translate the pictures in my head to words to communicate all the time. That ability is lost when I am non verbal.

[@tezzybelle7658]

Thank you again Irene, I hear and appreciate you very much ❤ I have always struggled with this. I had a teacher who never referred to me by name but called me “gawk” all year in front of the class. From the first day in his class, I literally could not talk - I just stared 😳. He called me rude, disrespectful and stupid. He would imitate my awkwardness and stuttering when I tried to talk. If I get the tiniest bit of an “ick” from someone or a situation (threatening or not), I physically am unable to speak. It’s frustrating. I want my partner and I to learn some sign language so I can communicate during these moments. ❤ Watching your channel has given me so much clarity. Thank you X ❤

[@spiicyliime22]

What an awful teacher! I'm sorry you had to go through that :(

[@anon6056]

I sooooo relate to the face stiffness. Can you please share a tutorial of the stretching process you use? That would be sweet i know it'd help me! Otherwise i can try to find them myself but i'd love to know which ones you've learned!

[@chaotika693]

I'm pretty sure I had this since I was little, I'm not sure when it started but I was always mocked for being shy and it was really hard to make friends. I migrated to the UK a year ago and it's gotten really bad, I know and understand english and some of my colleagues are extremely friendly and understanding with me, and yet I constantly struggle and freeze. I beat myself up a lot thinking my english skills are not good enough, I'm too shy, thinking people will turn away from me and I'll never make new friends. I figured the intense anxiety comes from a mixture of making friends/talking to new people/ speaking a new language. It got me really frustrated as this is all I want and yet something's blocking me from doing it. I'm infinitely grateful for my new friends who understands but it's really hard to shake this feeling off. This video helps me in my lost state, thank you🥺

[@ronja_roverdatter]

Hearing you describe how it feels is hitting me so deep... Just starting to discover I might be on the spectrum and I think I have suppressed my need to go mute so much in my life.

[@csdesjarlais9779]

So good to hear this. Once in college I went with a new boyfriend to meet a group of his friends. We were all sitting around “talking”. When we left that boyfriend said he was so embarrassed because I didn’t say ONE word. It’s funny because I thought I was having a good time. I guess I came across as a weirdo. I am 63 years old and just learning my issues are probably due to autism. Oh, and I too always wanted to move to a farm by myself with animals and make cheese. I did move to an acre in Alaska which I loved. How can you talk enough to make these videos? I worked my entire life and had to fake it through every torturous day. Anyway, thanks for bringing this issue to light.

[@sugasweet435]

Seeing that compilation made me tear up. It was like looking into a mirror. I’ve been wondering for a while if I might be on the spectrum, but regardless of what’s going on with me I find your videos comforting to watch/listen to and appreciate the information you put out. Thank you so much🥹

[@4and20blackbirds]

Dude thank you for the candidness and vulnerability of showing what it looks like when you’re going mute. I always say it feels like my mouth is unplugged from my brain.

[@user-we2wp7cs9v]

I'm 53, I just recently diagnosed myself as autistic. I had selective mutism when I was a young girl, at school. I was ridiculed for it and given nicknames for being mute. It took me many years to overcome this. Today I really speak up for myself. But in group situations I may still become mute. It feels like words can only come out of my mouth if I can be certain that they will reach someone's heart, or land on fertile ground. So if I feel intimidated by the situation, judged or not being accepted, the words stay inside and won't come out.

[@MeatCatCheesyBlaster]

I have always had this problem. The first time I ever heard it discussed was with Cho Sung Hui who seemed to have selective mutism. When you are a silent male people will be afraid of you and turn against you. They will ostracize you, thinking you are having a problem with them when in really you are just unable to speak. It is kind of tragic because often we want to connect to people but something prevents us from doing so.

[@gbemisolaatinsola9697]

I’m not autistic but I struggle with this a lot and I’m glad you touched on it. It’s a struggle cause most people think you’re being rude but I genuinely can’t speak freely and don’t know what to say. And then I get mad at myself lool

[@L0rar3]

Thank you sm for this video! I'm autistic as well and struggle with selective mutism from time to time. Especially bc I'm afraid to be seen as weird or non-social and ending up with no friends. I'm happy to have friends who understand that I'm autistic and are supportive and understanding whenever I can't talk or so. I really hope that my mother also grows to be that accepting in the future, bc whenever I'm with her I just need to do my best to mask my autistic traits and it hurts. It hurts me personally, emotionally and physically. Hope that society will learn to understand autistic (and other neurodiverse people) a bit better and respect us as people with our boundaries, limitations and special traits. Actually I like myself and I learnt to also appreciate the autism because that is who I am and I love myself. I hope society can learn to love special people instead of abandoning them or feeling weirded out. Being autistic is my superpower, not a flaw.

[@cattymajiv]

@Lucas Milito Reporting every one of your sales pitch posts. One post mentioning a product can be seen as a comment. Repeating it over and over in every thread is spamming.

[@pauldalton7854]

This didn't start getting better till I started working on myself to the extent that I had a phase where the "social anxiety selective mutism" thing was usually only active if I was tired or hungry, but over the last few years it's become even less present in my life and then to further mitigate that anxiety state on days I work I do extra meditation time in the morning that grounds me aside from what I do daily

[@DerpityMusicAndMu]

I'm probably high functioning autistic but not diagnosed officially. I'd say my experiences with selective mutism is mild but interesting to think about. I remember fighting with my parents and family, and after when they came to me to make peace, I was never ready to talk again. And I felt super guilty about it so I always burst into tears - while still not talking. something else that I think relates to this is that I hate saying hello's and goodbye's and will avoid speaking in groups if possible. On one to one, though, and when I am comfortable and or confident (exams, for example), I talk perfectly and have improved a lot. Still, to this day, I freeze when I have serious fights with my bf. He gets very upset when I do it, but lately he's been more accepting and agrees with me that I'm probably autistic.

[@Reticulating-Splines]

10:28 blew me away because that's exactly how it would feel for me in the moment and I've never heard it described outside of my own thoughts and experiences. I don't think I actually realized how nonverbal I can be on a regular basis until I started trying to do streaming. I would watch my VOD's back and my face is just completely immobile and my voice low and flat, when really in the moment I felt like I was emoting as much as I possibly could and using all my energy just to get through a story. It was surreal to see the disconnect between what I felt inside and how I physically came across.

[@user-ck8fk1jy1z]

i started experiencing mutism after facing a big amount of stress, but as a coach and need my voice often. thank you for the tips, they're very useful

[@Liliarthan]

A shout out to those individuals who are comfortable with silence - such as just sitting in silence with another person and experience the exchange of energy through non-speaking or even non-doing ways. Those are my ultimate safe people, esp during these periods of verbal shutdown. My NT partner has come a long way to understanding these aspects of me (and our ND kids) since our diagnosis started only 2 years ago. It’s been a steep learning curve and while he got many things ‘wrong’ he also persisted and got heaps right. With my verbal shutdowns, I’m working on exploring what behaviours I need from him during those times so that he doesn’t keep asking me questions thinking I didn’t hear him or had a hard time understanding him, or to walk away from me because he got frustrated out of misunderstanding or thinking that is a signal that I need space (sometimes I do, but sometimes I don’t and at those times I would get hit with heavy rejection sensitivity dysphoria).