my upper class family hate my girlfriend r/AITA

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[@shaaba]

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[@thecraziestcrayon]

I went to Starbucks once and gave them the name Voldemort just to see what they'd say. It wasn't anything obscene, so I wanted to know if they'd say it. When my order came they called for "You Know Who". Which I thought was funny. OP needs to sit down with gf and find out why she's calling him a pathological liar over something so small

[@s.a.4358]

You tried to get them to say the name of The One Who Must Not Be Named!

[@KiboSanti]

I like to dress in subtle cosplay occasionally. I've ordered drinks with my character name a few times and the staff either play along or don't care enough to notice. My favorite is when I was in full costume as Harley Quinn one Halloween, and received a coffee from a giggling barista with "Carly Linn" written on it. They know what they're doing.

[@Anna-jv7wz]

LMAOOOOOOO 😭

[@humanperson452]

(Jaime picking a name during transitioning): Yes, this is a good name. I like it, I will use it from now on. (Shaaba buying coffee): same.

[@blaireshoe8738]

🤣💕It's a great name all around!

[@beckys2825]

That the person with the car can just leave and go spend the night at someone's house makes me think they're 18+ and probably in college. It's unlikely that a high school student would be allowed to do that.

[@Kjane921]

My 17 year old brother would totally do that. It might be more likely that they’re an adult, but high school is still possible.

[@maironelfstone896]

I know plenty of people who could and would do that in high school

[@naonao9528]

For one night? I think it's pretty common for kids to run away for a night. When I was in school I knew people that would sneak out of their parents houses and into someone else's house all the time. The parents really only have two options to get the kid to come home: relying on the others involved/their parents or getting law enforcement involved. I thought they sounded more like a high schooler.

[@hippychick420]

My parents only cared about knowing where we were. I was allowed to sleep over my then boyfriends house at 16 & 17.

[@s.a.4358]

@@hippychick420I did not have a boyfriend at that age, but I am pretty sure my parents would also have allowed it, based on other comments that they preferred me to bring any guy home (if going to his place was not an option or not my preference) rather than go to a place where I may not be as safe. Actually I am pretty sure they thought I had a boyfriend because a classmate used to hang out at our place a lot - nothing ever happened between us though, he simply had issues with his father and liked to be at our place to get some calm. Also, OP might say he is going to sleep over at a (male) friend’s place. It is not uncommon for teenagers to lie if they feel they cannot be truthful.

[@sagewolkow3317]

I remember a Reddit story where a dad had a tradition of bringing his young son to Starbucks when they would run errands. The mom became concerned that getting frappuccinos was "gay", but the reason they loved Starbucks so much was so that the kid could give a stupid name like "Captain Pepperoni" and laugh when the barista had to call it out. So wholesome lol.

[@user-wi3yx3gy2o]

People are so stupid. Same sex attraction is gay. Being effeminate is being effeminate, and buying frappuccinos is not effeminate or gay. Way to stand up for toxic patriarchy mom.

[@claramarie7923]

Re the third story: After my grandmother gave up driving, my parents bought her car off her so we had a third car. They then gave me one of the older cars to have at school with me under the expectation that I’d pay for gas and parking. Then the other older car broke down, so we were effectively back to two cars. Even then, despite the fact that the car definitely still belonged to my parents, they still ASKED me if I would be okay giving my car back, or if we needed to come up with an alternate deal involving me buying the car off them. Even if OP didn’t own the car, taking it away without prior warning, discussion, or other options was still an AH move.

[@s.a.4358]

I agree. It’s not just about legal ownership but also the fact that OP was clearly using the car for reasonable reasons such a work and school, so to say the aunt now needs it - implying he does not - without considering his needs is not cool. But considering the way the family announced the change and how OP reacted (I also find his leaving and not coming back that evening, cutting off all contact, a strong move) I suspect that communication, discussion and compromise is not a strong point of that family.

[@alex_blue5802]

I feel like people are too quick to say that the parents have the right to make unreasonable demands just because they are paying for something. In this economy it's difficult for young people to afford their own cars, college tuition, homes, etc. If the parent agrees to provide something, it's wrong to just take it away on a whim. Terms needs to be set in advance, or a solution that everyone is comfortable with needs to be negotiated.

[@s.a.4358]

@@alex_blue5802 it is also a parent’s job to provide for their child until they are able to do so themselves. The whole “I pay for your food and the roof over your head, so I say what you can or cannot do” thing always rubbered me the wrong way; yes you (parent) pay for your child’s care because you chose to have that child, knowing that it will involve taking care of their needs. So don’t make that the child’s problem or something they have to repay you for. Very different from having rules for the children because of concerns of safety, morals, education, etc. Of course parents need to make rules around behaviour of their children, but just because one is an adult and paying for things is not a good reason.

[@alex_blue5802]

@@s.a.4358 Yes, 100%. You have helped me understand why I feel uncomfortable with the idea that a parent who pays for college can make whatever demands they want on the college student. It's their job as a parent to provide for their children. Threatening to withhold that support is bad parenting.

[@incarosen6343]

I don’t understand why some parents believe that implementing a major and invasive change on their child’s life and saying “it’s non-negotiable” is going to end well. If the aunt really needed the car, the parents could have just sat down and explained the situation to OP, and… idk… had a reasonable conversation? Your kid is more likely to act like a human being if you treat them like one.

[@shaaba]

totally agree!

[@elizabethmcglothlin5406]

Regarding the car: Never let family members 'give' you something they can then take away after you are an adult. Just cleaner if you don't.

[@kiraphobia222]

Even better, don't take things or favors from people in general because they'll take it back or try to

[@lanfae9353]

But OP said that the title is in their name now, so it wasn't "given" in a way that can be reversed, it literally was permanently given to them

[@maironelfstone896]

At least make sure what the terms are before agreeing, such as who has a say in who drives the car, can it be taken away, etc.

[@s.a.4358]

Or people can understand that after you give someone a gift it is their possession. Especially if the item is legally in their name. The whole story brings up red flags around boundaries and power dynamics in the family though. First the manner in which the parents brought up the car issue, without discussion, but also OPs reaction to just not come home for a day. Doesn’t sound like there is much communication and treating the ‘child’ (even if legally an adult) as an equal.

[@madhatterline]

Depends on the family. My mom would never try to take back something she had gifted me, no matter how much it costed.

[@katieowlpower]

Shaaba, you’re too nice. It is not okay to take back a gift, no matter how much it costs. It’s okay to ask, even impress upon the seriousness of things in this case, for the use of the car, but I do not care how much it cost; if you give someone a gift, that gift is theirs. In giving it, sure you are generous, but you relinquish claim to it. It may be a little difficult when parenting is involved - ie if a kid is being bratty and spoiled, maybe a fitting consequence is not having access to said car, but OP’s parents are not doing that. It’s just them claiming ownership over the car despite it now being OP’s (whoever bought it). If anything, it makes it worse if it was a gift, since it’s now teaching that nothing is free from the parents. And I disagree with the bedroom situation you talked about - yes the kid is living under their roof, but the kid’s room is their turf, and healthy boundaries means that parents respect that. You can again, ask and encourage, but you cannot demand the child vacate their room for the comfort of someone else.

[@alex_blue5802]

I agree! It doesn't matter who bought it, unless using it as a family car was part of the deal all along. Grounding a teenager is one thing, but it's messed up to give your kid a gift while still acting like you have partial ownership.

[@soullesscadmium30]

It's likely because she is south asian. This is how south asian family dynamics are. Children are not expected to pay for most things: like rent after the age of 18, hospital bills, college tuition, any electronics and in the case for guys: motorcycles. It is common practice for people to live and be treated as a dependant on the parents until we get a job, which is usually at around 25 years old. In return however, there is this understanding that the parents have the final say about everything because they are the ones paying for it.

[@katieowlpower]

@@soullesscadmium30 i feel it’s unfair to put that on her. I don’t know your background, but I certainly am not from that culture, so I’m going to say that we shouldn’t assume in this. Maybe her heritage is an influence, but that’s for her to contribute in how and how much rather than strangers on the internet.

[@soullesscadmium30]

@@katieowlpower i am also south asian and this is like some of the most basic intrinsic parts of the SA family mindset. Unless her parents' whole generation have been born and brought up outside of SA, it is unlikely these values will not be present. My parents are quite progressive and I used to live in the UK as a child. But this is a mindset they 100% have.

[@soullesscadmium30]

@@katieowlpower in any case i do also believe that a gift should be a gift and not be rescinded, but i can see where the other party comes from

[@1rkhachatryan]

For the last one, I think OP might have taken Emily saying that she can handle herself as a little too literal sign of don't step in and that she's okay.

[@alex_blue5802]

I think that can be tricky, especially if it's a heterosexual relationship. Is it patronizing to step in if she wants to defend herself? I can't really feel too mad at OP for not knowing how to handle the situation.

[@katieowlpower]

@@alex_blue5802 but don’t forget that in this situation Emily is at an inherent disadvantage, because this is OP’s parents, and because OP therefore has more leverage it’s more an obligation to stick up for Emily if there’s mistreatment. It’s not like a rando in a bar, with whom both have a relatively equal relationship with. Emily standing up to OP’s parents is inherently an uphill battle in a way it is objectively not for OP. It’s not patronizingly defending her honor so much as it is basic support to level the playing field. OP shouldn’t fight Emily’s battles for her, but that doesn’t mean the only other option is complete inaction.

[@alex_blue5802]

@@katieowlpower I suppose that's a good point. I just think there's a lot of layers here and I can't be too mad at OP for not knowing how to navigate the situation.

[@grutarg2938]

I think Shaaba was right in saying they needed to have a bigger plan about what they were going to do beforehand. OP should also have had a talk with parents so that they knew what to expect. "If you say X, we are going to stand up and walk out. If you want to meet her, you should show that you have better manners."

[@Rikrobat]

With the Starbucks story, I'm really put off by the girlfriend thinking that OP is a "pathological liar" because he's choosing a different name than his "birth name." Like, that's such an escalated accusation when getting a coffee order is the least problematic place where having a different name is vaild. You're not defrauding the DMV or something. I've also heard this is a great way for folks who want to change their name to have the name be tested out, because it's a simple space where the name is literally just for getting your drink order. NTA and he best reconsider being with this person. I know Shaaba is against hitting the "end the relationship button," and normally I agree, but calling someone a "pathological liar" over something so simple is concerning to me. Those are charged words to be throwing around.

[@marionnaveau8206]

This first story feels personal: I like giving over the top fake names at Starbucks just because I think it's funny and it harms no one 😅

[@ShinyTillDawn]

The girlfriend is 21, so thus, her brain isn't fully developed. It would be reasonable to assume that she's just immature and is basing the situation off of some high school stereotype.

[@flibbertygibbette]

This. It's a big red flag, and she's basically actively doing to him what she's accusing him of doing to others.

[@toddashi]

Yeah, if she makes this a big deal, what other weird landmines are out there? If I stayed with such a person, I would be extra careful. Also, I use my middle name at Starbucks and Peet's, cause it's a lot easier to hear in a noisy place than Todd!

[@satellite.gl0w]

no exactly i use my idk 'second name' instead of my birthname at pretty much all places because i feel more comfortable with it instead so if someone came and said that im a pathological liar for it, i couldnt be with them at all

[@rion2499]

Also, just want to point out as a Trans guy, that Starbucks and similar places are a good place to try out new/potential names, when you are still deciding. Not to even mention when you start giving your new name and/or you don’t pass. Doesn’t really apply here, as coming out to your SO this way is something I never really see happening. But always good practice not to scrutinise/doubt when people give names you perhaps don’t know them by. :P TLDR: it’s perfectly fine to use alternative names for privacy, and you shouldn’t make a big deal out of it regardless. But it’s especially important to not make a big deal out of it on the chance it could BE a big deal to them. I got so self conscious the first few times I did it, and it was so affirming to have my name on the cup but also scary and exposing. Be kind and let people call themselves what they want, even if it is or isn’t “their true truth.” (That you know of). It’s their businesses not yours.

[@LadyKittybug]

The name on the title/ownership of the car is what matters in the end. That's the person legally responsible for that vehicle. Doesn't matter who initially paid for it. If the aunt used the car and had an accident, OP would ultimately be the one having to deal with it. Also considering the tracking tile, I'm thinking that the reason why OP doesn't know for sure if the car is paid off is because their parents don't treat them like an adult, as evidence from the attempt at unilaterally co-opting their car.

[@mandassassin]

My mom's name is a word in English that isn't usually used as a name. (Not like "bathtub", but not as common as "sage" either.) At this point in her life, she's just sick of all the commentary from strangers and picks the most basic common names for counter pickups. It's kinda adorable how she's all excited to just be "Sarah" for a bit. 😂

[@s.a.4358]

I can totally see that! Especially people making unhelpful comments. In one of my previous jobs we had a sister office in Turkey, where two people called Tuna worked. Apparently a quite common Turkish name (although not sure I am spelling it correctly) but it took me a while to get used to it and not feel like I was being rude to them, especially because of the association of fish smelling bad, something fishy being bad, etc. Even though I knew it was their name, I had to train my brain to be open. It also did not help that some colleague did make fun of the name.

[@violetsnotroses3640]

My mom also uses a more common name in coffee shops, because her given name is uncommon and frequently misheard.

[@Ecto_42]

As someone who knows multiple people who work at coffee places, the reason a lot of places don't want to say names out loud is because CUSTOMERS will interact with you differently when they know your name. My roommate used to work at a coffee place downtown and multiple employees and customers have complained about a particular customer whose behavior the owners kept excusing as "He's autistic." when my roommate and multiple coworkers of theirs at the time are also neurodivergent, and they don't make a habit of approaching and attempting to grope other people. They pointed this out A LOT to the owners and nothing was done, so eventually everyone who felt harassed just quit. Imagining that same person having access to a lot of people's names and making it easy to find "(Name), rough age estimate, etc." on social media can make it really dangerous for those people in the case that person becomes a stalker or harasser online. Especially given the frequency with which apps can use your location data to make recommendations.

[@s.a.4358]

There is a big discussion here (Belgium) around people who work in the train (the ticket control people) having name tags. The company wants it in order to create a better contact with the customers, but the employees are very much against it for the safety reasons you mention.

[@HAnnB24]

@@s.a.4358I work as a manager at a fast food place where we are supposed to wear name tags but I don't enforce it on my midnight shift because I've had problems with it. I don't like it and will fight against it if my manager or above ever ask about it. I can have good contact with customers without them having information about me that I don't want to give out. Glad the workers are fighting it. Might have been different before social media, where everything was a local store or you usually already knew who worked there but I don't like the online bit at all.

[@catherinemccormick3184]

@@s.a.4358that’s so weird to me because (this may be rude, but it’s true) I don’t know anyone who gives two shits about what name the ticket inspector has when they are scanning your ticket

[@MortalWizard]

With the car story, even if the car was paid for by the parents if it was a gift then it's OP's. From the wording it seems like the parents "gave" OP the car, then made him pay for it and still expect to own it. That + the tracker makes them seem controlling so I don't blame OP for just dipping.

[@pencilpauli9442]

A compromise might be to try and live near to the parents.

[@s.a.4358]

I was also thinking that. My partner and I moved close to his family because my family is anyway abroad and partner is an only child, so it gives him some peace of mind to be close to his parents. His parents never asked it and it is also not a cultural expectation, but I know they are really happy. And for us it is also helpful and nice to have them close. Mutual support network. It also depends what the living together arrangements and expectations are in terms of having your own space, being forced to spend time together or abide by a certain schedule (such as eating together, being expected to do certain chores, etc) and how meddling the in-laws are. I have a friend who lived with her husband’s family for many years but they had their own floor with 2 rooms and a bathroom and the in-laws were really chilled. They only moved out (to a house very close by) because her husband’s younger brother got married and the family agreed that younger brother could better live there and save some money to afford his own place with his new wife. Living with family can be really good if it’s done with kindness, a supportive mindset and mutual respect.

[@glitterspray]

Agree. And agree that the way things stand, there is no compromise involved.

[@LanaVegana]

I ALWAYS use a different name at Starbucks, for the plain and simple reason that my name is none of these strangers’ business. I probably feel a bit more strongly about these things because both my first name and my surname are uncommon, but even the person with the most common name ever should still have the right to keep their name private.

[@shhimreading906]

i think in the first one if the girlfriend doesn’t apologise to him and explain herself then they shouldn’t be together. you can’t just call someone a pathological liar over something so small and get away with it.

[@s.a.4358]

Agreed! She is allowed to have her own reasons for not liking the use of a fake name, but calling someone a pathological liar is a big allegation. It also points to a pain point on her side, which OP should know about in order to avoid misunderstanding or arguments in the future if they stay together.

[@zoekrishel6677]

Myself, my daughter and my Bestie always give fake names at Starbucks and Deli counters, we have unusual names and people cannot pronounce them right. It gets old! My sister doest give her real name of say her phone number aloud if asked, both because she has been stalked before. I think its really odd for the GF to get so upset and say things like ‘pathological liar’!

[@ajbrooks2112]

You should do one of these with click that would be iconic

[@BestFriendsWhoLiveTogether]

Or OneTopic!

[@apfel0766]

I would love that!

[@katharineeavan9705]

@@BestFriendsWhoLiveTogether I feel like that would push the boundaries of too much wholesome in one video. It's already borderline when Jamie and OneTopic collab, and they're usually reading cursed enough content to balance it a little

[@meep5667]

Ooh, I feel like click would be really good at these, too

[@Imjustkendall]

YES

[@SpiderRiderKya]

Car story: I uh, don't think it matters who bought the car. OP said their name is on the registration, and they pay insurance, that makes it OP's car. Just cause they bought it for OP doesn't mean it's theirs anymore seeing how they gave it to OP and OP's name is on the registration. If you buy something and give it someone, that means it is theirs and not yours, you don't retain ownership of the thing anymore.

[@blaireshoe8738]

Yeahhh imagine if the aunt got in an accident in OP's car and screwed up OP's insurance rates 😅it is a MASSIVE favor to lend someone a vehicle you make payments toward keeping legally operable, and they did NOT go into "negotiations" with that in mind at all, lol. I'm just glad OP remembered the spare key so they couldn't try any funny business, OP would likely have had to report it as stolen, which would be a whole thing >_>

[@SpiderRiderKya]

@@blaireshoe8738 Yeah. Tho this was mor in response to Shabba going 'well it depends on who bought the car' which, no it does not, not if the OP's name is on the registration. That means, in the eyes of the law, they own it. They decide what to do with it, not the person who bought it for them and gave it to them. If one of the parents names were on the registration then sure, but OP revealed that's not the case.

[@Ajial01]

@@SpiderRiderKya titles show ownership, not registration. Registration shows who is responsible for keeping the car road worthy, etc.

[@kiryanna]

The lions metaphor is delightful, and it does definitely sound to me like OP in that post is the a**hole. Furthermore, I don't think we have enough info to support the idea that the girlfriend is partly to blame for not being fully prepared for what the lions (I mean family) would be like. It's possible that she made assumptions about OP standing up for her, but I don't think that's an unreasonable assumption when they're in a serious enough relationship to be meeting the lions in the first place. If OP didn't intend to stand up for her, they should have made sure to be explicitly clear about that

[@elliest55]

There needs to be a NEI "not enough info" badge for some stories I feel. Like with the first one, the gf's response to the fake name seems like a MAJOR overreaction over something entirely harmless, but we have absolutely no way of knowing what's the OP's behaviour and relationship to the truth on all other occasions. Could it be that the gf has noticed several of those "quirks" which to her paint the profile of a person who gets paranoid about the world being out to get them? Could it be that she has repeatedly caught him telling lies, no matter how "innocent", so she starts to worry that he is a pathological liar? Who knows... It could be that she's overreacting for unrelated reasons, like being triggered by this behaviour because it links to bad experiences she had with other people... We'll never know. N.E.I.

[@dothedo3667]

There is, it's just INFO.

[@shaaba]

ooh i like this suggestion for our video badges, I'll make one! x

[@ebonydarknessdementiaraven4610]

the first one reminds me of this one time my mum went into a starbucks and the guy asked for her name (we don't usually go there so she wasn't expecting it). Her mind went completely blank and she just said "...Pete" in a confused/guilty tone. I wasn't physically there but when I she told me I was dying of laughter - I still smile when I think back to it even if it was years ago lmao

[@BrigitteDiessl]

I have a name that nobody pronounces properly so I either give my daughter's name which is not unusual or my dog's name which is Coco and she loves people calling out her name. I very rarely go to Starbucks but, when I do, that's what I do.

[@j.apenrose7896]

For the last one, I'd agree that it's a YTA, but also in a fairly soft way due to needing to unlearn that. I also vaguely come from a family like this, (only my grandparents though, thank goodness) who definitely fit the bill for being elitist and a but racist. And yeah, growing up the most we'd really be allowed to say back is "Gran, we really don't say things like that anymore" or frantically change the topic. But eventually you do get a bit numb to it. And once you've had everything about you nitpicked to pieces, you're inclined to know that how they act is bad, but you might not realise how awful it is for someone who isn't already used to it. So, for me it was always insults to my career choices, my political stances, my friends and partners, and the fact that I preferred thrifting for clothes than buying brand names. So, for me I generally decided that the only thing worth the hassle to stand up for was when she was being racist or homophobic or sexist. If none of those things came up, I'd probably just gives my partner a "I'm so sorry" and see if I can change the topic. So, yes, still the AH, but I feel that it's coming from a place of genuinely not remembering how awful all of that actually is. Not being able to see the difference between 'rude' and 'mean'.

[@riderroni]

That’s a really good point. I agree that it’s a yta but I feel for the op and think they should talk with their girlfriend and say sorry, and explain why they felt paralyzed in that situation, understandably so because of growing up with this. Op knows that there’s nothing that can be done to fix their parents shitty attitude and I’m sure they’ve learned the hard way that arguing back only makes things worse. But girlfriend doesn’t know that, and it seems like she didn’t know how bad the situation was (how could she? No ones fault) and how op felt powerless about it.

[@MA69Supra]

For the first story my uncle actually has a “white name” he uses at Starbucks and stuff that ask for your name since his name is 1. Hard to spell since it’s uncommon and 2. Hard to pronounce since it’s uncommon so to make it easy for everyone he just uses Max or Dan or something. I do the same too tbh it’s just easier and I also don’t like my government name at all 😹😹

[@claramarie7923]

Yeah my first thought was maybe he was for some reason using a name from a culture that he isn’t a part of, which would be a big problem. But he’s using Tom, so that’s not the issue. I’m white but also just use a name that’s similar to my real name but slightly more common because I’d rather that than people call me the wrong name.

[@Whateverhasbeenmynameforyears]

As a woman listening to the first one I am over here like, I should start doing that, that is a good idea.

[@bboops23]

As a woman who has had multiple stalkers and has a name with a weird spelling which means there's fewer than like 200 people with my first name in the US alone (I found out how dangerous this was when a guy found all of my socials off me giving him my first name on a dating website) I finally started just going by Batman. I don't have to spell it, it makes everyone laugh and hear a girl say I'm Batman in a deep voice (because I do the deep voice) and also I never have to risk a place deciding to write my name because I'm also stressed by it being misspelled. 10/10 would recommend

[@llynxfyremusic]

​@bboops23 that's really funny. If I heard that in a Cafe before heading to work I think that'd make my day.

[@bboops23]

@@llynxfyremusic that was something I actually said to my best friend as well is that it always made people's day. There was a place I went to a lot pre-pandemic and I remember one of the employees was always so giddy to see a 5'6 redhead woman saying I'm Batman in a deep voice and he would legit giggle every time he called out my order. He once actually told me that he was always happy to see me come in because it was such a contrast to the normal customer service interactions. Having worked in customer service I know that a good customer service interaction can make your day. Heck, a funny thing can just make a day better for everyone

[@invisibleabi999]

i wonder if they could live very close to his family without actually living with them? that's the only compromise i can think of lol

[@felytales9858]

The last one rubbed me the wrong way the most. I'm all too familiar with relatives allowed to say whatever they want, however they want, and those who should be on your side - parents, partners - not making a peep. After too much of that in my family life, that would be a massive dealbreaker in a relationship. Either we are a team, I stand up for you and you stand up for me, or we are not, in which case thank you, I'll let myself out.

[@dishevelleddev]

So often, when someone says "relationships take compromise" they are unwilling to do so...

[@shhimreading906]

tbh with the third one, even if someone else bought OP the car… they still… BOUGHT OP the car and it is now OP’s. so to then try and take it back is a snake move, especially as OP pays for the insurance and gas and the car is in OP’s name and OP has at least partially paid for the car itself. Don’t give people things if you’re not really giving them things.

[@marzettik]

The first story is just him using a VPN- Name edition. 😂

[@lingodelfo5415]

Ikr! I think the AD should have been incorporated into this :D

[@michellecoleman5577]

13:31 So with the goal of education because I've never heard of this practice: what is the thinking behind the cultural thing of living with the family after marriage? If you have multiple siblings, does every single person stay with the parents? Is it about the children taking on the caretaker role? Or is it more of a stay in the general community to be a family unit but in separate buildings? If the couple has children, do they still stay and how many people generally live in one space before it becomes just unpractical.

[@gracelovely3838]

I think Shaaba hit the nail on the head with the first one. People can be so quick to assume the worst of people, and usually there is a more relatable reason for things you might first think are crazy.

[@ShinyTillDawn]

Counter point: she is just 21 years old, so she still needs a few years until her brain fully develops. College students can be immature; that's just how humans work.

[@glitterspray]

@@ShinyTillDawnI don’t see that as a counterpoint, more as agreement that there may be reasons behind her attitude.

[@glitterspray]

@@ShinyTillDawnI don’t see that as a counterpoint, more as agreement that there may be reasons behind her attitude.

[@shouldbewritig]

Firstly when Shaaba was talking about how AITA always says to dump the person my initial thought is always the 30 Rock Dealbreaker sketch. Second, for the Starbucks one, my name is weird and difficult to spell and never read correctly. I only give them nicknames so I don’t think using a fake name is that far different because it’s not wanting to use your full legal name. NTA.

[@missnaomi613]

Story #1: I used to get embarrassed when my name was yelled out in public places. My dad (of blessed memory) would do that, and I wanted to hide under a rock every time. So I completely understand giving the fake name. Story #2: That's not a compromise. I ended up married for 18 years to someone who was used to getting his way.

[@elanadavis7350]

Oof. The car story was so triggering for me, and what I'm going to say comes from trauma of constantly havingthings taken away from me (for literallyany reason, so i understand that I have a strong bias). I'm fully on OPs side. If the parents are willing to take the car away, what else are they willing to take, even if it's temporary? And the room example y0u gave blew my mind. I would be incredibly mad in that situation, because even though someone else owns the house, it's still the child's room, and kicking them out for someone else sounds like a huge invasion of privacy. That the right to their own space is non-existent. And even though the parents paid for the car, it was still a gift to OP, and that's still their own space. I know this was a long comment, but I want to let you know I love your content, and I'm glad you have a platform for these types of online discussions. I hope my comment doesn't come off too strong, but that we respectfully have a difference in opinion.

[@vcutler4735]

The bedroom example was esp ??? Because if it's a short term guest that guest is the one who gets the couch?? And if it's long term you have to figure out a better solution than your child has to sleep in a public area, like maybe they have to bunk up with a sibling or in the parents bedroom but still some place more private than where everyone walks through.

[@Robb3636]

When I was much younger, my parents always had guests sleep in my room, and I went on a mattress on their floor with them. So I think this is perfectly normal practice for a lot of people? Since we didn't have any spare rooms. Now that we're all older, the living room has a thing that can be converted into a bed, so that guests can stay there. The car thing is totally out of line though.

[@alex_blue5802]

I lived in fear of my parents taking my college tuition away from me on a whim, so it bothers me when people act like parents can promise something and then take it back because "they're the ones paying". We live in a society where young people have to rely on their parents. They should still have the security of keeping the things they were promised.

[@mikaylaeager7942]

Growing up my entire family shared one car. If anyone needed/wanted to use it, they had to make their case. Priority alway went to those who had to get to work and if two people needed to get somewhere you had to drop them off first. You definitely couldn’t just take the car without letting someone know how long it would be gone. Even when we did eventually get a second car, both cars were still considered family cars, and functioned the same way. Coming from this perspective I’m always thrown by situations where a kid is just given a car that they don’t have to share with anyone. In my household the aunt, having entered to family unit, would have to make her case to use the car just like everyone else. Now rooms were different. In my family, your room belonged to you (or to you and the sibling you share it with) Your parents had to ask if you would be willing to give it up for a guest. It’s important for a kid to have a space where they feel comfortable and in control.

[@Jamie-fo9nr]

My friend does the fake name thing too because they always spell/say her name wrong so she has a Starbucks name and I never thought that was weird lol

[@toddashi]

Yeah, the name "Todd," with my quiet voice, in a noisy place. is rarely heard correctly. I use the name "Chris" as it's much easier for them to hear.

[@Speilbilde]

For the Starbucks story, i once got the name "h!tler" put on my order (at Wendy's not Starbucks) so I just do not enjoy using my name at english speaking places. Thankfully I have been given a english name at a discord server (the name "harry" (not potter) accidentally turned into my nickname there) so i have a name that's "mine" that i can use now!

[@BaddeGrasse]

I used to give a fake name to baristas, but i was so terrified of OP#1's exact scenario that if i was ever ordering around someone i knew id pay for theirs and give their name instead of mine or a fakr

[@TeamJacobBlackWolfie]

With the last one, I agree with the "only date people your parents approve of" in this situation. If youre not gonna stand up for your partner against your shitty parents, you dont get to subject others to that.

[@riderroni]

I respectfully disagree. OP is clearly aware that their parents have awful attitudes, and their values aren’t the same at all (we know this from how they talk about their parents and their concern for Emily). They tried to do the right thing and prepare Emily for the situation, and they messed up and didn’t prepare her fully/didn’t support her emotionally once they were in it. But people need to be bad at something before they can be good at it. Having a toxic family and then introducing loved ones into that family is really hard, and can take a long time to figure out, because there’s a lot of unlearning and untangling of their own feelings about their family that OP has to do before they can fully be there for their partner. But they want to get there, and it’s a journey. If they give in to just doing what their parents want that’s the fastest possible way to erase any progress. The fact that OP feels guilty about their inaction during the encounter also shows that they’re aware of this problem and the need to work on it. They were probably feeling overwhelmed with their own feelings from a whole life of this shitty behavior from their parents and felt paralyzed out of fear of repeating really bad things that have happened when they’ve been called out in the past, so much so that they didn’t have the mental presence to think of their girlfriend’s feelings. Which is not okay in a partnership, but it’s a mistake that’s understandable

[@annalisalundberg4561]

The last story reminded me a bit of myself with my ex's family. I am the daughter of a watch repearer and of a university teacher, both are now retired, and my family has always been very inclusive, but also values a lot education. His family was totally different, their mindset was totally on working hard but not so much on studying (the middle child was also mocked by the father because he started university, so much so that he stopped studying after a while, then got off). Our relationship was already badly looked by his mother because we had quite an age gap (I am 14 years oldee than him), I was constantly judged because I am vegetarian, I don't drink alcohol (I'm actually allergic to it) and I don't like coffee, because it makes my heart beat uncomfortably faster, and he never once defended me, but tried to block me from answering back... but during the pandemic, when I had troubles keeping my job and so on, it got way worse. I was not invited to their house, and they kept telling him that I wanted to be a kept woman, that I didn't want to work, that I was a gold digger and so on and so forth...I don't know how much he believed those things and how much he told them himself...anyway, he started humiliating me at home, the only things he asked me were about work and money, then he fell in love with someone else and left me altogether. Being judged by someone who have the idea to be better than you, and don't know a thing about you, is awful...and having the family of the person you love do so without any kind of support on his side is even worse...

[@s.a.4358]

I am sorry you went through that ❤

[@Persepholeigh]

I went by my middle name for 12 years before I changed my name, but most people still call me by my middle name. It always causes confusion when people at work hear someone else calling me by my middle name, especially when I meet them at a cafe.

[@bboops23]

For years I've been telling restaurants my name is Batman because no one can spell my name because I have an uncommon spelling of a not common name but a name that has a more widely known spelling. My spelling is the kind of spelling you'll only see in video games or mythology verses the more angelicized spelling that's more known and so I don't like spelling it, I don't like it being misspelled because of some hang ups around it. I've also dealt with 3 stalking major incidents in my life as well as a few con creepers because I cosplay. I'm not a famous cosplayer or anything. I just am female presenting and specialize in natural hair cosplays (I do some wig cosplays, but mostly I stick with characters who have my natural hair color) and due to my very distinct shade of red hair and my unique first name of which there's iirc less than 200 people who have in the United States, I could be found off just my first name and my hair color. I have one of the most common last names in the western world and there's only 21 living people who have my name world wide that I have ever found. With my very distinct name and look people can find me easily. I don't like that. I don't need another stalker. I don't want to deal with it. So I call myself Batman. People laugh at me. One restaurant thought it was hysterical, but it saved me so much hassle and I imagine that it has saved me from dealing with at least one more incident in my life.

[@blackk_rose_]

I don't think parents should ever force their child to vacate their room just because they're paying for it. It's the one space that kids are free to express themselves, get to shut the door and be alone. Especially once they're teenagers, it isn't okay to take that away from them. If you invite someone to your home and have children, you should have an extra space that person can stay in or give up your own room. Kids already don't get a say in who stays at their house (which I also hate, you should make a decision like that as a family and if your kids have concerns about it, you should take that seriously), the least you could do as a parent is let them get a say who stays in their room and allow them to retain a space where they can retreat to!

[@nancyreid8729]

My ex had an easy first name, Bob, and an impossible last name. It was unusual, difficult to spell, and impossible to pronounce if you saw it written. For the sake of ease, in any restaurant reservation or other name-giving occasion, he was always Bob “Tuz.” Equally unusual, so there was never confusion with anyone else, but easy to spell and impossible to mis-pronounce. There are lots of reasons for using a convenient alias.

[@bohemianlucy4726]

There's a Taco Bell near me that calls your name when your order is ready. Also some people think that if you lie about something small what else would you lie about. Also a comprise in the 2nd story would be living near the family instead of with the family

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

I worked at Wendy's when they first implemented the name for your order thing. I hated it, the customers hated it.. i literally do. Not. Care. What name you give me i am required to ask.. (also suuuper awkward when I have to ask a regular who i have literally been serving for years what their name is.. and now I better remember that name because it will be twice as awkward next time they come in if i don't.. 🤦🤮😭)

[@nathryl03]

About story 1, I feel the same as the OP. I hate it when strangers call me by my name, and people get it wrong at least half the time, even when looking at the spelling, so I normally give my nickname instead. I've also had people get mad at me for no giving my actual name. I don't see the problem with using a different name, if it makes us more comfortable.

[@ShinyTillDawn]

Shaaba likes to think that she has a valid reason to be immature about it, but the girl is under 25 and might be stuck in "sorority girl gossip" mode.

[@nathryl03]

@@ShinyTillDawn Possibly. I know the people who got mad at me were definitely the "I'm perfect so I know better' type (which may or may not be the same thing lol). At the same time, I've definitely dealt with people who have a very casual relationship with the truth, so maybe that was the girlfriend's problem and she just overreacted. Either way, I thought the reaction was a bit extreme.

[@ashes7245]

For the living with family one I think a "compromise" would be living within walking distance of the family. So visit is easy but you still have a separate space.

[@shaaba]

this is a cute suggestion!

[@artheenbyrogue804]

For the Starbucks thing i totally get that, even when i order with Ash, they spell it as "Hash" 🤣. And yeah, I can see why the guy wouldn't want them to use his real name, especially becauze he wants to keep his privacy, that's understandable. The girlfriend tho kind of blew it out of proportions, I wouldn't really call her an asshole, she might be acting that way for a reason as Shaaba said. But I feel like they need to talk it this out.

[@kristalpower292]

So many people do this especially at Starbucks you can only see your see your name misspelt or hear it called out incorrectly so many times before you consider changing your name for real. Some people use Starbucks as a place to trial names they are considering if wanting to change their name.

[@artheenbyrogue804]

​@@kristalpower292oh yeah for sure i completely understand why the spelling mistakes happen, it's definitely isn't their fault for that. And i did the name trial thing before i settled on the name i have now, it's a good place to try new names, especially for people who want to change their name permanently.

[@BlackKoshka23]

I also gave a fake name at Starbucks, the only time I've been at one. I was in England (and I'm not English), so I gave an English name so it was easier for the barista.

[@bunji_beans]

The one about moving in with the in-laws reminds me of my parents! When they were getting married, my dad's parents offered them an apartment in the quadruplex they owned and lived in, renting out the other units. My grandma said she'd come and clean their place while they were at work, cook them meals, etc. My mom refused. My grandma was complicated. She loved her kids and grandkids, but was not a nice person. My mom knew that if her MIL had her way, she would always be criticizing how my mom took care of my dad and the home. My mom doesn't think my grandma ever forgave her for that.

[@BestFriendsWhoLiveTogether]

You and Roly would be great at this series together - his more… agressive… determinations of asshole or not vs your much more sweet aura would be wonderful to see!

[@youareherediversity7321]

The name thing sounds like the issue that nearly broke up my grandparents when they started courting. My grandfather walked my nana home from a dance and was very confused when her family used a different name than she had given him. Turns out she had started using her middle name away from her family and everyone outside of her family knew her as Joan. She explained and found that her family name (that she hated) was his mother’s name! They then had a story to tell for the next sixty years!

[@VicunaVicount]

For the final story I am willing to give OP a little grace. It can be really hard to maintain presence of mind during these kind of complicated social situations, particularly when parents are involved. That he warned his partern in advance is great, but if there is a next time maybe game out responses. OP is still an asshole, but maybe unintentionally.

[@ShinyTillDawn]

Well, the OP risks getting disowned by their parents if the OP completely shows support for his partner instead of his rich family. He could end up being poor afterwards, and that's almost never a good thing.

[@alex_blue5802]

I think people were too harsh. OP clearly wants to do the right thing, but not everyone is the type that can stand up to their parents and make a big scene. It doesn't sound like Emily was upset with OP specifically, which would be my main criterion here. She also said she could handle herself, which does imply that she wants to fight her own battles.

[@ShinyTillDawn]

@@alex_blue5802You can never truly know with these people. Some people in relationships will pick at anything to use against their partner to break up or something. However, you are right that the OP doesn't have the guts to stand up to his powerful parents, and who can blame him?

[@AnnabethOwl]

@@alex_blue5802I would be OP in this situation; not because I don’t care I would care and feel guilty about it but because I struggle defending other people or speaking up. I’m not excusing OPs actions but I would probably be more lenient because of person experience

[@alex_blue5802]

@@AnnabethOwl I feel like it's a little ableist to say the only acceptable response is confrontation . Some people excel at confrontation and arguments, and some people are more conflict-avoidant or have social anxiety or hangups around parents. I think we should try to make room for all kinds of interpersonal styles and not hold everyone to the same standard.

[@lisamichelle2837]

I would love to see a group episode with you, Jamie, Roly, and Luxeria.

[@llynxfyremusic]

Chaos. Pure chaos. I want it.

[@arthur622]

the way i would click that video immediately

[@alanacat7787]

Whenever I get food/drink at a place that calls out my name I tell them my name is Bubbles, not just because I hate my legal name, but also because most people smile or giggle when they say it and I love making people smile.

[@clearlyseverely3155]

I used to be a batista, and we had customers use fictional names all the time (Katniss Everdeen was a regular)

[@jcook910]

In story one, I'd be put off that someone I am dating cares more about a room full of strangers' feelings instead of my own and expects me to do the same. The final story seems pretty clear to me, based on the info the op doesn't seem interested in standing up to their parents. I'm guessing it's for financial reasons, based on my own experience with upper class family members.

[@princessofhell4639]

I agree with what you said about the last story but your point about the first one makes no sense. It's not about the strangers feelings idk why you got that idea. HE is uncomfortable. HE doesn't like it. That's why he uses a different one.

[@ShinyTillDawn]

Well, life is all about money, And it would be foolish to lose a source of wealth.

[@PurpleShift42]

​@@princessofhell4639it's more like that the GF might seem to be valuing (what she thinks is) everyone else's comfort that they're not a source of paranoia for TomOP rather than not!Tom's discomfort with having his real name known to whoever's in the Starbucks at the time, or at least that's how I'm reading it

[@dothedo3667]

In the first one are you talking about the girl or the guy?

[@princessofhell4639]

In reference to the last one: I don't actually think the first commenter was wrong when they said he should only date people from the same class as given the context of the sentence I think they were meaning it as if he isn't willing to defend his partner. That to me makes total sense. Yours and Jamie's situation is different because you DID defend it but OP did nothing. If he isn't willing to defend his partner for whatever reason then yes he shouldn't date someone who is just going to be treat terribly.

[@barrylangille3523]

That's what I took from that comment. If you're not willing to defend your partner from your judgemental family, don't put the partner through it. I think he was basically being told if he's going to cave to his parents and their elitism, then cave. Basically his parents sound like bullies who use their wealth and social position as weapons.

[@riderroni]

I think it’s wrong to tell him that though, because he’s also a victim of his parents shitty behavior. If they act like that with strangers then they definitely also let their judgement, condescension and passive aggression come into their relationships with their children. Yes he messed up here, but now he knows that more is needed of him, and he can work on supporting his partner in that toxic situation instead of missing the signs that she needed him to take action (I imagine he was behaving passively because he’s been taught that anything else has bad consequences, or only makes his parents dig in their heels more and get meaner - I have family like this). You can tell him that he needs to learn how to support his partners when it comes to his parents without implying that his parents are right, because that’s potentially really harmful. It would be so sad if he gave up on a relationship he clearly cares about because of different social classes, that’s letting his parents f’ed up ideology win

[@princessofhell4639]

@riderroni sorry only just seen this but I wanted to say this Whilst I'm sure yes it couldn't have been easy for him to deal with parents like that, he is also an adult now so whilst that can explain why he's struggling to defend his partner it does not justify. As an adult it is on you to work on yourself and work through the trauma your parents put you through. It does not seem like he is willing to do that or even try and stand up for his partner therefore it's unfair for him to bring them into that toxic situation. As I said, this only applies IF HES NOT WILLING TO DEFEND HIS PARTNER (caps to emphasise). If he is going to work on it and they are going to have a convo about how to deal with his parents in the future then I'm sure they'd be able to come to some sort of agreement (whether that even be to break up because its just incompatible). That's the entire point. If he is going to do more then that doesn't apply here. I also have family like that but whenever they get mean about someone i care about, ESPECIALLY TO THEIR FACE, I still stand up for them because I don't want people I care about to be hurt. Is it easy?? God no but its what I have to do if I want those people in my life. That's why the "if he isn't willing to defend his partner" part is so important. Sure it'd be sad if they had to break up because of this but if he's not able to defend his partner then the other outcome is way worse for everyone involved. No one should be in a situation where they are being treat terribly and no one is standing up for them.

[@emmaliefmann9984]

I struggled to choose a name for my daughter, so I gave my possible names as fake names to test them out and see if I liked it being used! It was a fun harmless game, and really helped my decision!

[@shaaba]

this is a cute idea!

[@deancontiwriter13]

with the living with the family thing. There are actual compromises: for example, you could look for a house that is CLOSE to his family's. So you'll be independent but still close to them.

[@Toaster-draws]

Starbucks post- I don't think the employee cares if you use a fake name. If I don't make an order to pick up, (mobile order) I'll give a fake name. Mainly because people have trouble spelling my name. Even sometimes saying it.

[@laticha402]

With the Starbucks girlfriend I wouldn't have much of a problem if she just expressed that she found it odd, but calling us* pathological liars (no, this is not my real name) is too much, and maybe I'm just projecting because I had a girlfriend who would constantly use any little excuse to confirm how awful I was, like when she read my horoscope which said that "we had trouble being faithful". After that she was sure I was going to cheat on her. I can totally see her doing the same to me just to keep me feeling insecure, that's why I automatically yelled "DITCH THAT WOMAN!"

[@Amozon28]

For the first one i do something similar. My name is always mispelled or pronounced at places like starbucks so i always give a shortened version of my name, which is much more commoj and easier (think liz for elizabeth). I also introduce myself the same way with little kids as i find they struggle with my name normally but are fine with the shorter version

[@naftherainbownerd]

For the car one, it really grinds my gears that even if the parents contributed/bought their child something, they cannot demand that child to give it up anytime. Buying a gift means it's not your possession anymore. You can definitely ask that person nicely and then it's their choice to decide whether or not they want to give it up. And saying that who pays more gets to have a bigger say is very unfair especially in a family dynamic. A child is allowed to have a say on whether or not they give up their rooms or such even if they're not paying for it.

[@gingermaniac5484]

haha.. ha.. car.. grinds your gears. tshffffffppphhhhhhhhehehehehheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh

[@gingermaniac5484]

hhhhnice

[@sisi7304]

for the first one about starbucks, I've literally read stories about trans people testing out new names via starbucks orders, as well as know people who use aliases for orders for similar reasons, starbucks even made an ad that was based on that (Jamie reacted to it once iirc) where a trans person's new name is used for the order

[@bretthansen3739]

I love that you use Jamie's name! My wife's last name sounds like a man's first name and is easier to understand in aoud room, so I use that. Also, I've been a barista and we do not care about your name if you're getting coffee (although I preferred it not be a joke that made me look bad). If you're a regular and we build a relationship it might be weird, but if you told me about the fake name it would clear up the awkwardness.

[@tenassidy3483]

Starbucks Barista here. I have had people order as Princess (insert name here) Batman Baby Doll Wolverine (honestly lots of super hero names) I've had people order for their significant other and give a pet name that I have to call out, picture "Honey Bear" or "Sweat Heart" and one man who orders online who has gone by: ManHandler, Superman, ManCandy, SugarDaddy, and a few others I don't remember.

[@mishasamuel]

I can see the point of the girlfriend in the first story. She doesn’t know him that well yet and she might see this as a potential indicator of a bigger issue. I know someone who uses fake name at Starbucks and he also has very casual relationship with truth in general. He lies a lot. Not just about small things but also about big things. Casual lying can definitely be indicator of a habitual liar.

[@Scatscar1985]

😂What if there's another Tom in the Starbucks? Especially if the other Tom has Tom as his REAL name?

[@ShinyTillDawn]

Just communicate the reason for the fib. If she doesn't accept it, that's her problem. Providing a fake name just to make the order more convenient is like putting food coloring into cereal.

[@pepdog1]

I don't think the issue really lies in seeing such behaviours as a red flag, but rather with deciding and declaring that such behaviour is enough to determine that somebody IS a habitual liar. it's fine to pay attention to stuff like that, and to look for other similar behaviours to come to a proper conclusion. but it's not reasonable or fair to draw a line from point A to point B when you haven't done anything to rule out the possibility of point C.

[@Sophie_Cleverly]

I was thinking along these lines as well, as someone who dated a pathological liar. He would be the sort of person to lie to people in shops about his name and what he was doing there because he lied about everything. I would be a bit freaked out if someone I was newly dating lied about their name because of that. I would also worry that they were lying about their whole identity - are they actually Tom?? But I would communicate that, whereas her reason seems to be entirely based on "it seems like you don't trust random strangers to hear your name" which is a bit odd.

[@SannaiSan]

The person who's fiancee wanted them to compromise and live with the family...that is not a compromise, that's just doing what one person wants. A compromise on this might be living in a separate house on the same street as the family. You'd be close enough to be a big part of their lives, but at the end of the day you could shut the door and be by yourselves.

[@RiveroftheWither]

If a partners idea of compromise is just "Do as I say always." Drop them, you aren't compatible, compromise is not a solo endeavor where one person exclusively buckles under the other. It starts small but gets worse over time, especially if they're unwilling to properly communicate or seek professional help.

[@Misty0622]

I used to work ar Wendys and people would give me fake names like Batman and Aquaman some people would even say it's none of your business and I would rather have people give me a fake name than be rude to me

[@user-wi3yx3gy2o]

There are a lot of family dynamics where some family members or family members of a certain age or sex are expected to always give in while others get whatever they want. It’s really disordered.

[@shaaba]

big agree to this, thanks for sharing!

[@aroundtheworldin80coffees79]

I know several people who use a fake name at places where they call out your name like this. Most of them refer to it as their "coffee name", so I don't think it's an unusual preference.

[@coasttocoast2011]

I don’t get Starbucks a lot (I’m in Australia and the nearest one is 4 hours away) but aren’t Starbucks notorious for getting names wrong? I usually use my surname when I do get Starbucks because my first name (Eleanor) usually gets spelled wrong

[@shaaba]

There was an 'insider info' type article from a Starbucks employee who said that they were encouraged for a while to get names really wrong on purpose, as that way customers were more likely to share about it on social media as free marketing for them!

[@kristalpower292]

Most of the time it’s a number or my order. No idea why Starbucks does this especially when more often than not the butcher peoples names or write it incorrectly anyway. Plus the time it would likely save by servers not writing names should be significant. I get why people will choose simpler names or shorter names to speed up the process.

[@joannaboonen3552]

I'm reminded with the living with parents story that compromise is a word that comes from "com" = together and "promittere" = promise. I think we make mistakes with understanding it because of the pronunciation and compromise becomes a 'meeting in the middle' - it's not! Compromise is A PROMISE YOU MAKE TOGETHER. It doesn't sound like they're making the choice together - when choosing either way results in having to give something so important to them up. Both of them have expressed what promise they need from each other, and unfortunately they're contradictory.

[@vcutler4735]

Shaaba: people on this subreddit are so quick to say breakup. Also Shaaba: if you find yourself saying "they are a great person except for this one thing" it might not work. I am glad you do say there are some things to not compromise on. But I think why the reddit so often says "dump him" is because a lot of the time people wait until it gets to dump him level to make the AITA post. With the name thing I don't think it's an automatic break up, but I do think it's one heck of a red flag, esp for a new relationship. Mainly because if someone has one really weird opinion like that it isn't just the one. Dates, esp early dates, are like job interviews where BOTH parties are feeling out the vibes. If either side gets a bad vibe it's no fault on anyone to peace out.

[@ShinyTillDawn]

Breaking up is the easiest thing to do, and it's common for people to jump to conclusions. Many people IRL are quick to abandon a relationship when one thing isn't going correctly: that's just the culture.

[@trinitybernhardt9944]

With such a short relationship and the accusations she made i would probably do one conversation and if they can't help me understand what triggered them I would end it. A longer relationship would earn more effort, but that level of attack on such an innocent act is definitely a red flag.

[@violet7773]

OP's gf in story 1 is a really great gal, except that she calls him a pathological liar for the smallest thing

[@carolinareader6386]

When you mentioned Buffy and Spike I immediately thought about the Spuffy vs Bangel fights that happened in the fandom back in the day. Goodness that was a wild fun time

[@Binidj]

With the last one I'd say OP is NTA. I've been criticised (quite rightly) in the past for white knighting (intervening in battles that weren't my own) and taking agency away from another person. The girlfriend seems to have said "don't worry, I can handle it" which says to me "don't interfere, let this person fight their own battles."

[@Lexichi22]

What if the girlfriend was catfished by someone who lied to her about their name?

[@violet7773]

OP isn't trying to trick the people at Starbucks into dating him though, he's just trying to avoid being uncomfortable

[@Lexichi22]

@@violet7773 Yeah. Tell that to the girlfriend!

[@gingermaniac5484]

@@Lexichi22 to be fair to violet, ops girlfriend was kept anonymous. it would be a very disturbed breaking of boundaries to track down the op sift through contacts online to find his girlfriend just to relay this information. she also has trust issues, as youve stated, possibly due to trauma, but even without stalking causes severe mental health issues, potentially forever. while i understand the desire to be helpful and upfront, i think we should just respect ops wishes for anonymity, lay it out in the comment section, and hope that people in similar situations, (presently or future,) can read what you and violet are saying for a wider worldview. perhaps one day ops girlfriend will see this by pure coincidence and learn without a psychotic break. if the girlfirend was endangering people in some way i would feel differently?

[@Lexichi22]

@gingermaniac5484 Not sure when I was implying that anyone's identity should be breached by the internet; I was merely speculating her possible mindset in order to give her the benefit of the doubt.

[@gingermaniac5484]

@@Lexichi22 yes, but then you told violet to tell the girlfriend what violet had replied to you, i agree with both of you two to some degree, i just don't think telling the girlfriend ops mindset would be beneficial since we're strangers, especially because of her mindset. (sorry if that's still confusing, im not very good at explaining things. i dont mean to be confusing)

[@blandae5670]

Yep, pople give fake names in places like that. I work in a cafe in Australia, there are lots of customers from different backgrounds and they often give easy "coffee name" to avoid mispronounciation and confusion for the staff and themselves.

[@skandar3]

4:34 I always join a group Discord call whenever I take my trash out at night. I don’t assume everyone around me is trying to kidnap me, but people don’t go around doing normal things thinking, “Hm. I know I’m gonna get kidnapped today,” it just happens. Same reason I’m on location sharing apps with family and why I gave a family member access to check my home security system. You don’t need to assume people are going to do nefarious things in order to set up precautions against them, because that one time you’d wished you had precautions set up is gonna hit you really hard. It only takes one person to decide they wanna fuck your life.

[@gilesluver]

For the car one. Parents are the a-h for not even being civil and dictating the seizure. OP a bit of an a-h for pulling all car support. But only a little one. Question: how many cars in the family?

[@Fragmented_Mask]

This is an excellent point. Do parents not have a car they can lend? Could the family not have grouped together if there are multiple cars within the household, see when people definitely need their cars and when they might not, and set up a fairer car-share system?

[@gilesluver]

@@Fragmented_Mask Exactly. I can't imagine auntie'll need the car all day everyday.

[@gilesluver]

Could the woman who doesn't want to live with the family get a house next door? Then she has her own space, but also can participate with daily family activities.

[@tylerrslays]

how do you just get the house next door? i don’t know where you live, but in my street every second house isn’t for sale??

[@gilesluver]

@@tylerrslays I meant a close house.

[@roselover411]

​@@gilesluverwell still even getting a house in the same neighborhood can be a stretch. I don't know how it is elsewhere but there's a housing crisis in the US. There aren't many houses available and even those that are are quite expensive. Not to mention if money is a factor it would be much more expensive to get a house near the parents' home than to start with an apartment or something as a young couple getting started with their lives.

[@gvendurst]

Then they'd probably have an Everybody loves Raymond kind of situation

[@somethinunameit637]

8:13 I do the same thing with a similar common name. I also do not pay with card if i am not the one swiping. (Which is pretty easy for me since I usually only have cash) because I once purchased a pizza, the man behind the counter memorized my name, then stalked me on social media.

[@dollylevels6753]

thats messed up, hopefully he was an easy person to block.

[@sharyebethancourt3660]

26:10 I also felt like that OP was too scared to see anything.

[@jasonellis4330]

The Starbucks one, I've been there sort of. My mum had a habit of asking store employees for help and saying "we're looking for something for *my name*" or similar, and gesture to me. I had to ask her to stop randomly giving strangers my name because it made me feel uncomfortable. I don't know these people, I don't want them having my name. Idk why tho

[@draechaeli]

About moving in with the husband’s parents. In China often that happens and while the couple is working the husband’s parents are at home watching kids and cooking. A friend of mine had an apartment in the same building as her PiL’s. And the MiL would either bring dinner over or my friend and her husband would go over to PiL’s. That’s a compromise.

[@esf34147]

about the first one, the places i get lunch around uni do this, they're usually small places and sometimes it's just a window so they'll ask you to write/say your name and they call you by it when your order is ready. is common practice here and also i think it's more common in more casual, local restaurants. i don't like it since i always have to give my deadname but that's how it is

[@milic5749]

The first one reminds me of how a lot of people on social media now have decided it's creepy not to use your real name or give out your age online. You must be disguising yourself because you're planning to do bad things, not to protect yourself the way people in my generation were all taught to as basic internet safety. The GF might just have spent too much time in those corners of the internet.

[@apfel0766]

You always upload these videos when I prepare my lunch for the next day and I always watch the videos while I do it. It's actually become a part of my routine, I love it :)

[@shaaba]

this is so wholesome, I love that I can be your lunch making buddy!

[@aficklefangirl2566]

I find it really strange that in Story 1 it is a GIRLfriend that is saying those things? Shouldn't a fellow fem person know that doing something for your own comfort and peace of mind isn't saying you don't think everyone around you is untrustworthy, just that you don't want to take the chance? I get that giving your name to a barista is different, but I feel like it follows the same principals. You feel uncomfortable and vulnerable when you give your name to the barista, so you give a different name, nobody is hurt and you are comfortable.

[@ShinyTillDawn]

She probably still fits the stereotype of a high school girl who cares about the most petty of details for status or whatever. Give her 4 years, and her brain will fully mature.

[@laticha402]

Or she might be in the autistic spectrum and takes this "literally literal". Explaining the social situation should help clear the issue, but if she is neurotypical and insists without listening, then she just wants to make him feel insecure.

[@aficklefangirl2566]

@@laticha402 I know that we autistic folks have different experiences, but I, as an autistic person, don't struggle to understand the reasoning, especially with the explanation he gave in his post, and says he gave her. It is entirely possible she is autistic, but being autistic isn't an excuse for berating your partner - if you don't understand something you ask - but it might help explain it? Regardless, from what he described she has poor communication skills.

[@softfirecrow]

Maybe you are on to something here. Maybe in the past she did something for her own comfort and was accused of being untrustworthy because of it. Now she thinks it's bad to do those things, because "you just think of yourself". Maybe she has a low self esteem.

[@emeraldqueen1994]

I used to use “WINGS” as my name at Starbucks because my real name is confusing to spell (SPELLED “Elle” PRONOUNCED “Ellie”) so I use the fake name to make it easier for the people to spell…. No other reason!

[@kbit09]

The something biscuit company asks a rando question like “what is your favorite Beatles song” or “what is your favorite mythical beast” so no actual names are needed. Not generally a fan of places closed on Sunday for specific reasons, however, I am a fan of this order calling system that is not purely “your order number is” ####