Shame and Complex Trauma - Part 1/6 - What is Shame?

What is shame? What causes shame? How does it affect us?
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[@carlabamford9154]

“Abandonment…sends the greatest shame message…” THANK YOU

[@lisawoodman487]

Agreed

[@kazimierzgarshin3924]

I broke down at "Shame by definition is not an emotion, it is a core belief about yourself, about who you think you are."

[@scouthmk2312]

Peace be with you

[@seksehfox]

Thank you for sharing this, I feel a bit more normal now ❤

[@raven4090]

That hit me me hard, too.

[@jeffreymarshall4159]

I felt that same reaction

[@TofuTeo]

Whoa...

[@sarahalderman3126]

What really sucks is that we weren't loved or cared for as children so we end up going on to find more of the same as adults. All the mirrors have confirmed the shame.

[@iaval]

I once told my therapist that I wonder what shame is, because I don't feel it at all. There is no situation which could make me ashamed. That was at the end of my 2nd year in therapy. 1,5 year later, out of therapy, I realized that shame was something which I felt always, everywhere, so deep inside of my core that it became a part of my self. When a fish lives in an ocean, she doesn't know anything about the ocean. That's how big my shame used to be. I was ashamed even of opening myself to the therapist whom I know and meet every week during 2 years.

[@Seethebestinpeople]

❤

[@iaval]

❤@@Seethebestinpeople

[@willtroy1986]

What was it like after you were able to connect to the shame? Have you been able to shift it?

[@iaval]

@@willtroy1986 thnak you for asking. Well, it hurts at the beginning, then it gets better, you are getting used to it, like to a chronic pain. Now I understand better that the only reason for avoiding some situations or behaving in some way is mainly the shame. For me it's blended with fear. I notice how it prevents me from reaching some goals and stops/ makes much harder some of my activities. How it makes me feel uncomfortable most of the time in a public env. And that I actually enjoy being alone and there are so many things I can do at that time, I don't need anybody (that's a gem). Also I realized that I don't have to push myself to do uncomfortable things every time. IMO during the last year I've made a great leap at accepting and loving myself as I am. I think it may correlate with overcoming the shame (or excepting it as a part of my design and being like "That's OK that I feel bad about ... and I don't want to do ..., let it be so, no problem"). Also I should mention that I'm an expat and live in a rather friendly but also conservative Muslim place, so I may feel and act and look strange to locals even if I am not, and maybe it triggers the shame and I got used to it, not paying a lot of attention to others and how do I look like for them. Also recently I connected to my anxiety, the scale of which I also didn't realize at all. So now I have another big problem 😅 And what about you?

[@Pamela.B]

Oh! I just love your self-analysis. You are very brave & candid which is refreshing. It’s so much better than wearing a mask & being an actor. I have found myself, at times, crying out to the Lord God in private. He hears & loves His creation. I use Psalms in the Bible as a launching pad for praying out loud. It helps me more than a paid counselor.

[@freetobememe4358]

Been healing for 69 yrs. Never good enough, became ppl pleaser.

[@InnaWersjaciebie]

woah, so long, take a hug from me brother

[@Truthseeker-sd2ho]

Same here 💙🙏🏻💙

[@rochellebroglen4155]

This is a difficult one to watch. I want to remind everyone that there's nothing wrong with you. Shame was only able to embed itself because you did care so much, because you needed to be loved. You brought nothing but love to this world. You were (and still are) a precious, unique, brilliant Soul. You deserve to be you. You were given talents and gifts that will make our world a better place. We need you. I know how much courage it takes to stop hiding. Be gentle and patient with yourself. You can do it. I believe in you. I'm sending you so much love Dear Soul. I see you and I KNOW in every fiber of my being, that you are worthy. You always were and always will be. Prayers that this resonates with the deep, inherent wisdom of your Soul Self and brings you one step closer to the ever-present Love that you are. You matter. You are loved.

[@nathanf1162]

Beautifully put :) and many people do need to hear that sort of message

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Thanks, back at you

[@despicabledavidshort3806]

Thank you 💓💓💓

[@angeleye4253]

There is a big diff btw shame and guilt. Shame is what someone else does to u and guilt is how u feel about something.

[@tommirummukainen2840]

Oh man...thank you ❤

[@cecilpalpatine8169]

Shame is the first thing I feel in the morning.

[@awaywithfairies4689]

😔 Every morning/everytime you feel shame, you could say to yourself sth like this: "Ok, this shame was taught to me by my parents, when I was little and didn't know any better. Just for today, I choose to feel proud of myself, because in spite of their "teachings", I survived!! This helps me everytime. Wishing you the best my dear🤗💕

[@MichelleLee-bg2bu]

It's an emotional hangover, I feel that most mornings

[@RootBound505]

Is this why mornings have ALWAYS been a struggle for me?

[@loverainthunder]

Crushes me and makes me tune out.

[@caron777]

I’m 46 yrs old and I have been living with shame my whole life I suppose. I didn’t realize how much shame I had until listening to your video which described me perfectly. So perfectly that I had to pause the video a couple of times because my heart started pounding out of my chest and was getting extremely anxious. It was stirring up bad memories and I had to calm myself down. I guess you’d call that a “trigger”?I’ve watched so many videos in my time of self isolation. None of which has impacted me like this one has. I love how you dissected and clearly defined the root cause of my shame. I really need some help but I’m just so afraid to reach out.

[@theforeigner6988]

That's exactly me, accept that I am 42. Have you heard of Patrick Doyle? Please listen to him too. He had been a great help to me. Gosh, now that I see all this, it's like a new life had begun.

[@jacksonmiller6679]

Free mental health care. Thanks covid!!

[@caron777]

@@theforeigner6988 I will listen to him...Thank you

[@caron777]

@@jacksonmiller6679 👊😆

[@theforeigner6988]

@@caron777 God bless you

[@urbansetter1]

I was so badly barrated and humiliated I'm entrenched in shame. It's so painful it robbed my life

[@sheiladuke3289]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@ratelhoneybadger]

Never give up on yourself.

[@truthspeaks623]

Take your life back. Its yours by right.

[@adamreynolds5738]

Good stuff. Shame is a killer....it is the most destructive issue that no one talks about it. Once I processed 25 years of shame I was free and could stay sober.

[@DG-qm1tz]

👊🙏💜 I am on the same path now.

[@theomniscientvoid9553]

How did you successfully heal? What methods did you use?

[@effortless4588]

How'd you process it man, glad to hear that you got it back to the surface and went through it.

[@user-th3de]

How?

[@jshelley4592]

There's a reason some of of us numb ourselves.

[@eclipsedawn9]

The life of untreated CPTSD will create more shame. It compounds upon itself. ..A huge reason to seek a specialist and start the work on healing. The truth is Waiting to address it will make you worse exponentially. (Speaking from experience.) avoidance is more damaging than you may think. If you Avoid too much it becomes neglect. Neglected by yourself, you are abusing yourself. A victim of your own neglect. Neglect is abuse. So making yourself a priority is the ONLY way out of the shame cycle. To anyone reading this, If you are feeling stuck I want to tell you can do it, with help. Keep seeking help.

[@kimwilliams3442]

Thank you for that!

[@sheiladuke3289]

❤ Thankyou ❤❤

[@donaldpaton1691]

Thankyou

[@narelle830]

❤❤❤

[@user-jk6qg5ec9e]

Thanks ! Still unsure about how to place myself in a good environment. Here with my sister, in the middle of my little connection with my mother, I feel unsafe. How to do with environment not being able for me ?

[@leekleek1971]

Sir you are a Balm for Humanity and I hope your work reaches all various and sundry because it is vital, it's informative, important and practical Thank You beyond words🙏🏽❤️

[@nannue]

I thought acknowledging abandonment issue was pretty brutal, and now I am learning about Complex Trauma and Shame... Oh boy, I am in for a ride of a life time. Thank you! I will just keep going, healing and listening...

[@christinamorales6887]

Rejection is a core wound too. Look into inner child work and reparent the inner child.

[@LiliBoo1975]

I never benefited from one on one therapy. Group therapy, however, helped a lot. These videos and everyone in the comments is just like group therapy and I thank you all 💗

[@leslieb6174]

Even reading the comments is encouraging...so I dont feel alone facing n coming out of this

[@Cassie-pt7mt]

Thank you for the broken pot story. I've been pretty angry with God. I want to not only heal from my trauma and let it go... I also want to feel closeness to God again.

[@Pamela.B]

Yep. I’m a crackpot 😅. God bless you!❤

[@ruthmaryrose]

Sounds like parents have an almost impossible task, especially if they’ve suffered from some of this themselves. Perhaps there ought to be classes in school to help children learn to deal with these things rather than leaving it up to dealing with it ex post facto in an expensive therapists office that too many can’t afford.

[@KaoXoni]

Some of our kids' teachers who know because they've been there... are already doing that kind of teaching. Mostly on the sides, where it happens, and in a way that accounts for what the children can actually grasp and process at their stage. They teach and intervene all the time, between the lines, in the breaks, in private with the parents... And some schools do book projects to the topic. These are all heroes.

[@HiddenCharmhome]

I fully agree- I think it’s imperative to have this taught in schools k-12. Also in parenting classes people *should* take. Imagine the pain and trauma saved? Imagine the healthy generations that would emerge?

[@HiddenCharmhome]

Just FYI- this is in some school districts (optional)for parents. Many many Parents are objecting and equating mental health awareness in schools with “CRT” They want to leave mental health to the parents, who are the ones causing the trauma. Can’t make this stuff up

[@explorer0213]

Thank god for the social media this is helping millions 🙏

[@angeleye4253]

Every child should be taught the traits of narcissism.

[@davidnorman2134]

I feel full of shame, as if pumped full of it as a kid, like pumping air into a balloon until I explode with it. But it's shame, for having my own needs, my own feelings, my own emotions, my own thoughts, my own identity, shame for these sorts of issues and components of my life, either shame or guilt

[@davidnorman2134]

@Ken Richard the shame is the fact we are alive and that we have needs, needs their unprepared or uninterested in fulfilling. It's medieval parental philosophy at it's core that brings such debaucher about

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

♥

[@reevaodonnell3984]

Finally answers I been searching for my entire life. Had no hope anymore, was bout to give up. Then BOOM. I can't wait to help other people.

[@sheiladuke3289]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@carospereman3537]

Shame/Complex trauma part 1. WHOLY COW overwhelming video. Being the youngest of 6 kids, I remember trying to connect with my parents at such a young age. You describe each child, but I was all of those. The joker child, the invisible child, the abandoned child, and the scapegoated child; is this even possible? I started stuttering, doing drugs, and getting love wherever I could get it. Never had any long lasting relationships, I could go on. In the last 5 years I have been peeling away layers of toxicity and trying to understand what the hell happened to me. To say the least it has been a roller coaster ride of emotions, but it also has been beautiful. God blessed me with a perfect child when I was 48. He is 13 now and thriving. He receives unconditional love, validation, positive mirroring back, discipline, and I think most importantly, my authentic love to him. Thank you Tim for your work.

[@claudine98052]

I am out of words. This guy is the reason I understood I have lived a horrible childhood. I always thought that rape, physical and emotional abuse was my fault. Shame lies in the core of my personality. Every work you spoke Sir is absolutely true, at least in my case. It has even affected my belief in God where my relationship to God is shame based. I am over 40 now and had the feeling that I have lost my life. I will never get all this time back and meanwhile, my narcissistic sadistic mother, her son and other sisters and brothers are enjoying their lives. Only me I am broken.

[@TranscendingTrauma]

I realized recently that the God that shamed me was of my creation and not of God. I will be 54 soon. It’s never too late to recover yourself ❤

[@jackieann5494]

Scape goat ? I was and am. I'm 71 and am just beginning to deal with my childhood. Like yours , it was brutal . Dear Soul , I FELT every word you wrote. CoDA is helping me . THIS fellow is great ! I guess , regardless of our ages , our time for healing is now .

[@despicabledavidshort3806]

I always thought it was my fault too. I was raped from the time I was 9 most old by my stepfather, his father, 3 neighbors, and several cousins. Of course it was my fault, I made them do it bc I was disgusting and nasty. Why else would perfectly normal people want to have sex with me. I was bad, that was why. I'm 60 yo and it's deeply embedded in me that I'm nasty and dirty, unworthy of love, I deserve all the bad things that happens to me, I asked for it. I feel like it's too late for me. I don't even know what normal is bc this is my very first memory, I don't know anything else

[@sunnyday8254]

It's not too late; in fact, Your life - the new life - started at the time you read/listed to this and found out it wasn't your fault at all!!! Please learn to see things differently, see it as a sign that you came across this, that you have been given the chance to live your life differently, to save yourself, that this was the meaning of your life! Wish you good health: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual!🤗🤗

[@Kali08012]

@@TranscendingTrauma54? You look 29 or 30!!

[@randallsmerna384]

I often feel I am too broken to ever have a peaceful life or a loving relationship.

[@Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl]

I feel you ❤️ I've been there. I started to work on my relationship with myself because if I don't relate to myself in a healthy way, relationship with others will fail too. Stop running from yourself because it's impossible although that is what most of us try to do. ❤️

[@andreagurrl]

Amazing video ❤ The last part about God adopting us and loving us really hit my spirit 🥲

[@rhythmandblues_alibi]

Me too and I'm not even religious 🥹

[@taleandclawrock2606]

Listening to so many causes of shame, i heard and remembered alot familiar to my life. At the same time, i can hear my inner voices constantly downplaying those events, invalidating my feelings, making excuses. Good to grow in awareness, i did not realise how much i was doing that.

[@ratelhoneybadger]

This isn't the type of video you watch once... thank you for these healing waters.❤🤲🏾may God bless you richly for setting so many free from the worst type of prisons, mental prisons.

[@suekelsey1329]

I am shame to the core. Since a young child. Never good enough to be alive. NEVER see myself in any mirror. Etc. I am 68 years old. Thank you

[@sheiladuke3289]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

♥💕💗

[@user-lw3ri8us4w]

sending you healing thoughts sue. hope you're getting better. it wasn't your fault.

[@vidamariaixchel4962]

🫶🏻

[@theologytherapist]

Right from the start - When you mention that people don't realize they have shame inside of them and that it actually effects them every day of their lives. This definitely hit home... we often don't realize how much internal shave we have living within us!

[@davidnorman2134]

I'm 47 years old and this was a core family value growing up, Shane to be alive, Shane to be needed shamed basically for having needs, especially emotional needs as a boy,

[@XZ858XZ]

You've really outdone yourself with this one Pastor Tim! I admit I teared up at 54:41 at the part about God bringing us into his family and being passionately proud of us. Such a beautiful way of tying together psychology with spirituality. I don't think I've ever heard Bible stories explained in such an accessible way

[@fancynancylucille]

If you listen to the Virgil Thompson "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need", the last line is "No more a stranger or a guest, but like a child at home". That chokes me up.

[@DR-nh6oo]

Recent learning theory shows that learning cannot occur while we are in a state of shame. It is a barrier to the.growth mindset that we need to change any part of ourselves; and the connections we need.

[@mining4goldmeister420]

Thank you for that. Very helpful insight into shame and how it affects us on a deeper level.

[@CanadianDrifter777]

That’s a good point! And in my experience, very true.

[@deborahriley1166]

Excellent quote!!! Shame takes the color out of life!!! Learning to love ourselves after complex trauma is profoundly important!!! Until we change the feedback loop that we are not worthy, we never will!!! 🙏☯️🙏

[@mining4goldmeister420]

That is so right - we will consistently choose self-harming behaviors, relationships, choices that re-enforces our feelings of unworthiness. We attract to us what we feel about ourselves. A slippery slope, rollercoaster ride that is a loop of endless defeat. Getting off that ride comes about when we decide "we" are worth fighting for. When we decide that "I" matter. When we make a conscious choice to stop living (and dying) to get validation and our worth from others, from outside ourselves, and seek it from inside. Inside where our "real" self dwells. Finding the person we were mean't to be and giving them space to grow.

[@jenjackson3034]

I was watching this like wow...amazing stuff! And then I saw the comments about the speaker being a pastor and my religious trauma was like oh nooooo. But then you gave a heads up for the christian teaching for those interested and I am just blown away by your thoughtfulness. I am so used to christians not respecting my personal boundaries and to watch a video where a christian is actually mindful of that gives me hope for humanity. A million times thank you for the amazing content and consideration for people who have negative experiences with church and religion.

[@RebeccaLynnMusic]

I'm not joking or exaggerating: Just hours before this came up in my feed, I had a session with my psychologist and told him about the time that I came home from school, 8th grade, with all As and one B. (In the comments from the teacher, she had written, "A very high B.") My dad only brought up the B. How did I get that B? I can hardly believe that this was articulated as an example, as it was specifically a real occurrence in my life.

[@fancynancylucille]

My Dad did that. He must have had so much shame.

[@game_4_growth]

Same here; I brought home a 97% on a grade 7 science exam and his first words were "What happened to the other 3%? His next words were " I'm joking, well done". That was about 40 years ago. The tape of those first 6 words still plays on silent in the background everyday. I also have a friend who had the exact same 97% experience with her own father. It's just mind blowing how common this experience is.

[@sallyann985]

Synchronicity

[@RebeccaLynnMusic]

@@game_4_growth I have empathy and understanding. 😔

[@stephoniemack4939]

In 2nd grade I came home with all Es meaning that I was performing above all As, very high for my grade group. My "guardians' " response? "You think you're Something, don't you." Reading those words don't seem so bad, but they made me feel like a nobody. Nothing I or my brothers ever did was good enough. In 3rd grade, again all Es, so to avoid the shaming they were always ready to dump onto me, I tried to sign my own report card. They must have been SO insecure. Today I'm 61 y/o and doing ok, but still struggling with anxiety and depression. Two of my brothers can't stop drinking and drugging and going to jail. Out of 6 children, 3 can't stop with the drinking and/or drug use, 2 are high-functioning alcoholics and 1 is a low-achieving, super-holy hypocrite. Our parents should have been sterilized before puberty.

[@fitspirit]

An amazing book I read early in recovery that had a huge effect on me: "Healing The Shame that Binds You"

[@abiv4491]

John Bradshaw. He did some amazing work on shame.

[@merrill5780]

My shame is crushing me know at 50+ because I can't outrun it anymore. She told me over and over I was ruining their lives, making them miserable, and that I made both of them depressed and hospitalized, and caused dad to attempt suicide. And that I was a huge disappointment, and a bad seed, and cruel to them.

[@joshuapjung]

Good lord, this sounds unbearable for you!

[@rigofernandez830]

This is one of the TOP best videos out there !!!! every word right on the bulls eye target !!!..not like other "experts" outhere just regurgitating what they heard -"learnt "..- from other people/college- and just repeat it into the world.. ..you Sir, went deep into it ,uncovering the TRUE reasons!!! ..ALOT --of gold nuggets in here! 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍!..THANK YOU SO MUCH. ...

[@marijacaric9385]

I don't think I ever felt anything similar to the feeling I have now while I listen about adoption by God. It is beyond my words but I thank you from the bottom of my heart and that feeling.

[@danmalone5365]

I guess that's why I identify so much with work that was my redeeming quality the willingness to work at any task because that's all I was given praise for was my willingness to do whatever it took to get the job done even if that meant killing myself off the process. I'm sure glad I didn't have to go to war.

[@liabw05]

For me it shows up in my relationships!

[@danmalone5365]

@@liabw05 I fail at relationships so instinctively I steered clear most of my life from relationships. But I was in a unique position for the first 20 years of adult life I was a single father at 24 years old full custody of a 11 month old and a two-year-old they are all grown and I have grandchildren. One of the best teachers in life is life itself. I'm in my 60s now and for the first time I understand that I am a non-Neurotypical in the autistic spectrum. Probably mildly Asperger I'm dyslexic ADHD. Just those things alone would cause a person to experience life on a different level. Once I understood how my mind worked. I then was able to understand my dad. He was ADHD dyslexic and probably on the spectrum. My dad also was unable to process his emotions only in flight mode verbally and physically. And my mom she was mentally ill from childhood sexual abuse. The two of them together us kids struggled to survive some didn't. My older sister died in the Arizona state women's prison system. I've got a brother who lives on the outskirts of society actually 2. Survival styles protect us as children but they don't work in adulthood. So knowledge understanding yourself is critical in order to survive in a Neurotypical world because of the double ended empathy lost in translation scenario. I do medical transport today. There so many horror stories out there. I can't even begin to explain but most of the people that I take to the Suboxone methadone clinics have one thing in common childhood survival styles that don't work anymore. Then if you add a non-Neurotypical mind that was saturated over the years with alcohol and drugs the executive function ceases to function in a functional way. God bless

[@fancynancylucille]

@@danmalone5365 Your poor sister. I love your compassion. I am sure that all prisoners have something like that. Not that I believe in magic cures. I wish I did. Being neuro-atypical means you don't get treated any better at school. How does a kid stand a chance?

[@danmalone5365]

My current reading is (The Body Keeps Score). The miracle of self-discovery, discovering yourself in language is always an epiphany, even if finding the words to describe your inner reality can be an agonizing process. People who have not experienced childhood abuse are often the ones who want to keep us in that trauma, without our voice we have no way of healing. The body keeps score refers to Helen Keller's account of how she was "born into language". I grew up in extreme abuse. There was no words to describe what was happening to me at the time in my vocabulary. In school we were isolated, segregated from all the other kids even on the playground because of the abuse inflicted on kids who were called retarded by everyone. There was no education except for abuse. We understood the lessons in abuse very well. And yes, that included teachers, bus drivers, as well. The only thing that's changed today. The language to tell the story of what happened.

[@sheiladuke3289]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@AdorkableHarleyFairy]

Thank you, for making it make sense, again. So many people, like you, reassuring me each time, that it was never me. At 41, I know I'm a badass survivor

[@mollylarkins7075]

When you said “he picked from the reject pile so there’s hope for all of us” I lost it laughing. It’s so true, but how you presented it was pretty amazing.

[@AvonleaMontague]

For me, my experience with shame has less to do with me legitimately thinking I'm bad, unlovable, (never have believed that completely), too much, etc and far more to do with others seeing me those ways. That's where my shame is triggered most, I think. And then it gets internalized and shameful.

[@janemarlo4978]

Thank you for the disciples background and cultural information I never knew... you gave me an eternal gift by helping me further release shame and see my brokenness (crackedness) as a beautiful thing!

[@dorisr.2649]

I think a massive influence is the modern society. For centuries and still in many other cultures, children mainly grew up with grandparents, who had a much healthier and more loving approach than the parents. So even if the parents were stressed out, the grandparents gave the validation and love and everything children needed. Now children are mainly exposed to parents who struggle with work schedules and also very judgemental surrounding and school system that is causing so much pressure, that their own shame is being triggered and passed on to their children.

[@jenshaerter8637]

Being sent to my grandparents house every summer beginning at age 6 probably saved my life.

[@vivalavidaalameda]

I am just realizing how much shame has been passed on to me from my lineage of the mothers from the catholic religion and their cultural suppression to all the women who didn’t follow their rules of their submission standards.

[@astronaut6542]

I have tons of shame, it seems like my whole body consists of that dysregulating shame. I don't know if recovery is possible for me but I will try.

[@jeffjones7199]

I avoided relationships with girls for 25 yrs I new I was a broken person. 6 yrs ago I met a great lady. I just ruined the relationship and feel I am back to square one. And I am 50 and feel I am screwed for life . But happy happy joy joy !

[@horaciocapanelli-soto4710]

Started building a facade on my persona because of feelings of shame that was build in my childhood development.

[@raccoons_stole_my_account]

Some time ago I realised shame was the medium for any message in my family. Whatever it was that was said it was said though the prism of shame. I thought of an analogy of shame being used as ink to write words. Doesn't even matter what words are, the ink was always poisonous.

[@melonhead8760]

This makes me never want to have a kid. Shamed people shame people. My mother was full of shame when she raised me, and so in a way she cut herself of from me as soon as I was born. And thus I was ashamed. But I do feel hopeful. All this time I had been living such a terrible life, but it did not have to be that way. It never did.

[@lindutchka]

So that's what you call it? That's what I've been trying to fix all this time? Turns out, I was only feeding it. And that mask I've been using, has become torn and tattered. Seems too, the older I get, the harder it's become to hide my shame. Nearly impossible. 😩

[@AuthenticMetamorphisis]

I just finished the anger and complex trauma series. It was incredibly eye opening and helpful. I’m connecting the pieces to my puzzle. I’m excited to start this series. Thanks pastor Tim, I’m so grateful.

[@mauricekoopman4902]

Thanks for mentioning the example with the dad and the car. I had a mother who spent her days cleaning the house.

[@billyb4790]

So often I hear people like this man say "parents say XYZ, and that traumatizes the child." Well my mother never had to say much to traumatize me. She acted in such a way that if I messed up in any way I would be abandoned for life. Does that count as trauma?.......just because she never "said" anything?

[@Ikr2025]

Yes definitely. Body language speaks a lot louder than words. My mother never said anything much abusive either - she was just constantly worried, angry, annoyed, irritated, emotionally absent.. she thinks she was the perfect parent (now she’s 80). She was actually far from it.

[@SA-vw4ny]

It does count as trauma. Sometimes people can't cover all scenarios

[@cuongtrieuduy4916]

Listening this video makes me feel like he’s talking about myself 😢

[@teamginger6359]

This is by far, the best & most thorough description of shame I've ever heard. God bless you pastor Fletcher. ❤❤❤

[@Unikadanceeventsparties]

3minutes in I felt a twinge. 8mins in I got emotional…I’m holding my self right now.

[@dawnmango5022]

Shame on you has a whole new meaning now!

[@gabriellenojaim261]

I hesitated to click "play" when I first came across this video. Why am I suddenly so afraid to listen BEYOND his definition of shame...?

[@user-lw3ri8us4w]

even more evidence shame is a core part of your sense of self (however false it is)…. so your sense of self feels threatened….

[@zarinapu8088]

Thank you for excellent speech. English is not my native language but I got all what you spoke about

[@dontstealmyintermet]

Thanks for this. Talk about an insidious predicament.. Seems like it should be obvious. Never was for me. I do recall a valiant effort to become truly authentic, just the real self.. but never made the connection that shame was the root of the disconnect. Wow.

[@jerryrobertkoren]

Jeez..I hit the jackpot, checked every box when the lists came out

[@verumbellator6899]

Incredible Pastor Tim! You have been pivotal in my healing and keeping me on the right path. Thank you. Much appreciated.

[@CMoore8539]

Thank you, Pastor Tim, for sharing your teaching online!

[@Sunset553]

I’m currently getting therapy addressing my trauma and my current task is to stop doing something if it sends me into flashbacks or dissociation. I want information about healing shame, but I don’t know how I’d ever gat through it. I did zone out already during the list of family traumas. Many of the contributing factors apply. I was abandoned by my mother, bullied by siblings and eventually beat up regularly and s assaulted. I had a weird moment in school where a girl pulled me aside to try to make me look presentable. I had holes in a hand me down sweatshirt and safety pins keeping up my skirt hem. This girl was like “don’t do this” I don’t know how to explain it but she told me to have more pride in my appearance. It was unusual for me to get help or attention. Anyway, I’m sure this would be a helpful series to many people.

[@wavy6470]

Thank you so much for a reminder to stop doing things that make me dissociate. What you've been through is heartbreaking. Stay strong, you can heal. I'm a total stranger but your comment reached deeply into my heart and I believe in you

[@Sunset553]

@@wavy6470 Hi, It’s like we have a fleeting friendship. thank you for understanding.

[@PeterCollins-dn9ok]

You are an angel in disguise, thankyou from the bottem of my heart. Adopted kicked bashed thumped, some two peoples punching bag. spent my whole life hating myself, at 24 found myself at the darkest deepest deeps of despair.screamed out god help me, and was filled with the most beautiful feeling of love.a week later lost it. 40 years of councellig....and finally learn to trust myself....and your telling me, it wasnt my fault,,,,wow. i need a hanky. thankyou. as i meet myself. you have impacted the world in such a beautifull. way.their must be 4 in the holy trinity including yourself

[@globalvagabond5376]

"Shame isn't a Quiet Grey Cloud; Shame is a Drowning Man who Claws his way on top of you; Scratching and Tearing your Skin; Relentlessly Pushing you Under the Surface". It's a Physical Pain, that Hurts all over. K.Edgar.

[@vincentcaudo-engelmann9057]

Whoa.

[@lordfuzi7168]

I want to hug Tim for this amazing video. I am speechless. This was very helpful THANK YOU TIM.

[@Unrel8able]

idk why or how i didn't find this sooner.. but it's a huge eye opener. I couldn't figure out why I am the way I am... this pretty much explained everything years of therapy was able to uncover.

[@codyeynon8467]

I'm proud of everyone on this thread who is sharing their experience. We can heal together if we risk being open enough to do so.

[@millsmills10000]

This is profound..im so thankful i stumbled across these videos..id say quite by accident but not a chance, The Lord led me i really think...i need this so much..i automatically thought of several people i know besides me that need these teachings❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@victoriaryan5621]

Thank you so much for posting this. I didn’t realize how much shame I had based on my experiences. A lot more makes sense now.

[@Kali08012]

I was called windy whiner, I remember crying.

[@mknels1299]

Dittp

[@sheiladuke3289]

❤ God Bless ❤❤

[@xyzmedia5161]

I've come to terms with how others have shamed me in the past unjustly but what I find difficult is coming to terms with the shameful acts I've done myself. There is little chance of these things ever seeing the light of day yet my compulsive thought is that so long as there are people that know of my bad deeds then I can't be rid of it. It's total mind poison quite frankly. I've stopped doing these shameful things for years now so I'm a "new person" yet I still can't forget these events. They show me in a light I don't want to see myself in. The negative identity is in the past now but I struggle to replace it with a new, positive one. The new me is still too fragile. Shame is a lack of self-love and if you lack self-love your ability to love other people is seriously handicapped.

[@Ikr2025]

I guess you could tell yourself that many (most?) people have done shameful things at one point or other in the past so you’re not alone. To be human is to make mistakes. Self awareness and the desire to do better once we know better is pretty much the best we can aim at. Also often we end up in a position where we do things we are ashamed of because as children we were abused or shamed or neglected which resulted in low self esteem and poor choices later.

[@rachelmarroquin2562]

It’s like you have shame of your shame

[@despicabledavidshort3806]

I get it, I drive myself crazy thinking of the shameful things I've done. Doesn't matter if it was 55 years ago, my brain still like to bring it up all the time. Recently I've been slapping myself in the face when these thoughts come up bc I'm so very tired of them. I don't recommend it to others but it's certainly got my attention and made me stop thinking about the shameful thing. I guess this is why some ppl cut themselves...I understand now 😞

[@essiees3151]

Same

[@susannebecker3221]

Have you tried Hooponopono? It's kind of like a Hawaiian forgiveness prayer. You can do it to forgive others but also yourself. Many people say it really helped them heal. @@despicabledavidshort3806

[@tinypea]

I will say because this is true. Watching this o ja e all and a nah of chips of these however I have been called out by God and I'm on healing. Healing is possible.❤❤❤🎉

[@christyb9487]

Thank you for helping me as I dig deep to get healed inside!

[@MeganVincent-tl4tg]

This was painful to watch. Now I get why my internal dialogue is so messed up. Ugh. This makes sense why I have kept to myself most of my life, I never felt understood so what’s the point. I became a people pleaser and now I just feel a lot of resentment and bitterness toward people in general.

[@joannabrites9857]

I didn’t think that listing to this would bring up so much pain. I’m 59 yrs old and just found out that what I have been suffering from was family scapegoating abuse. My farther set the stage for it so my older brother would verbally abuse me. All I knew of him was that he hated me my entire life all they way to our adulthood. His last comment to me before I finally had enough was I was trailer park trash. I would have not made it if I continued contact with my family. The worst part of is for some reason people with shame seem to bring out meanness in other people. Without family I looked to my friends and my local neighborhood to fit it and was rejected by just about everyone I tried to become friends with. Why do people run away from others who so desperately need the connection. I’m not feeling sorry for myself but trying to figure it all out. I just can’t believe how cruel people could be. I live in a horse community in NY, Long Island. This is. godless place, I tried to find another woman to ride with and just about everyone of them said no way. Even people I was very kind to. They see how desperate you are for company and they laugh at you. The ones that did befriend me took total advantage of me in one way or another. I’ve turned to God now for company. But I do feel such shame knowing I’ve asked all most of them to be my friend but they wanted nothing to do with me. One example, I saw a nice girl walking her horse. So I introduced myself and asked if she’d like to exchange numbers so we could ride in the park together. She said if I rode in the park I have plenty of people here I could ride with. I’m no wimp, she regretted that statement. Now I’m bitter.

[@HappyHolyHealthyLife]

These videos are soooo amazing 👏 🙌

[@debifambro1039]

This is brilliant... especially the chosen disciples and the adoption. I had too much toxic shame.. I read books 📚 especially by John Bradshaw that helped me a lot. But you make it so clear that I can understand. Thank you so much. God bless you.

[@noellenicolas9436]

Wow, all of this is hitting home for me. I'm hoping his next videos have some healing strategies. Because it is definitely hard to live with this amount of toxic shame.

[@NorthernSweetPea]

He has a playlist for re-parenting. It is A LOT of work but I am hoping it will be worth it!!!

[@gabriellenojaim261]

If you were "caught" laughing in my house by my mom's long term boyfriend we heard "WHAT'S SO GODDAMN FUNNY!?" If we cried it was "I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!"

[@jessicathrasher2692]

I have to caption this, for my friends on fb, that he isn’t talking to a bunch of children. What your parents did DOES effect you as an adult. People want to argue this. It does effect you and your decisions. The only difference is that you are the one who will pay the price.

[@KaoXoni]

Thank you for the great content. I really sheds light on my monster closet.

[@MariaSantana-ul5wd]

Amen, My Redeemer Lives. “The Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost” (Luke 19:10). The devil is a liar.

[@cjennings6179]

Happiness in being sick. Gets ATTENTION. Coughing gets attention & cough drops & SYRUPS. A fake happiness gets Attention!!! Popularity. Singing. Skills. & TALLENTS Makes YOU R GOOD ENOUGH!!!

[@annak29]

These lectures are very appreciated. Even with positive, consistent parenting, none are perfect, and kids can acquire overpowerring shame from the school environment and bring that frustration into the home. Especially with adolescents, when their expectations don't meet their reality, they develop anger and resentment to their loving but less materialistic parents. Parents have wisdom and understand their kids deeper hierarchy of need, but the kid who wants what everybody else has unrealistically is going to make their parents miserable in every possible way until they get what they feel entitled to. There are such children, unfortunately, and parents are often abused by their own kids, but nobody really talks about that. The extreme narcissism in our culture has facilitated grandiose entitlement in adolescents who internalize their perceived lack as shame amongst peers. It's nothing that a parent directly caused, but socially impaired kids will always choose objects and peers over parents during this stage of development.

[@sacogirl1]

Thank you so much for this!❤🙏

[@joannabrites9857]

My entire family. School I was made fun of. I never realized how bad it’s effecting me. No when I’m alone I picture Jesus right next to me. Gave up on people, people are so horrible.

[@mknels1299]

Ditto

[@tyronewilliams4779]

I know this lesson is 2 years old but it is very relevant for me right now. Thank you 🙏🏽

[@Sh0n0]

Your welcome tyrone

[@fruitypebbles803]

Thank you for talking about fat shaming being traumatic. ❤

[@franciscoguevara9727]

In fact If you are in shame or have shame, its hard to show your real self. You're gonna be your codependent people pleasing self. People are gonna be much happier to see you, when you are not looking for their validation, but on the other hand you are expressing your real self.

[@lisbethbird8268]

@ Fransisco, Disagree ....you're talking about real genuine honest people, but I feel that many people *want* you addicted to their validation, and will go out of their way to discourage that real self. Just my intuition.

[@franciscoguevara9727]

Lisbeth Bird you will just have to do the work and find out for yourself and not trust your intuition .

[@franciscoguevara9727]

Lisbeth Bird either way if they reject me I don’t care because I know how to approve of myself and am not dependent on this approval. This is what codependency support groups focus on

[@franciscoguevara9727]

Lisbeth Bird Also healthy people will approve a unhealthy person can’t really give you the love you need because they don’t love /approve of themselves

[@lisbethbird8268]

Oh, I know. I was thinking about other people's expectations. They expect me to care about whether or not they choose to validate me, but if they're inauthentic and especially if they're trying to dominate and power trip, I don't care. That's not my battle.

[@RealTalk-mq2ug]

I DIE INSIDE. THE PAIN IS UNCEASING AND UNBEARABLE. I LIVE IN A STATE OF PERPETUAL TRAUMA AND PANIC. I CAN'T BREATHE. I DON'T BREATHE. I could die from the pain of missing my best friend. Or, actually, not really my best friend, but they guy whom I thought was my best friend... He betrayed and abandoned me, discarded me like garbage!!! (HOW THE FUCK COULD HE?) Replaced me for another. My mind can't fathom, my heart can't comprehend. I live in perpetual panic and constant longing... How could he not miss me? How could he do this to me? Did he just replace me, really, just like that? I'm dying inside. My soul is truly raped and my heart is shattered. REMINDER TO SELF, SWEET SOUL: This was a karmic friendship, meant to be there for a limited time (17-months-ish) to teach you, about yourself! About boundaries, about self-love, about self-respect, about self-worth, etc... About a whole plethora of magical, juicy, alchemical things! The universe, God, your guides, your ancestors, have pushed you, lovingly, in the right direction: into your own magnificent powerful magical freedom! When you let go. The universe will catch you. It’s talking to you. Let go of everything and trust the universe. It’s within you. ✨💫 Jesus said to her: “Mary.” She turned toward him and cried out, in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means Teacher) - John 20:16💖 NOTE TO MY TWIN FLAME: Dearest twin flame, I’m working on myself, I am being 100% healed, on evert level, in every way. This is my purification process. I am doing this for me, for you, for us. I’m proud of myself, and I’m getting ready for you. I love you.

[@consumermilitia]

This is such critical content to be out in the world. The Lord bless you in this good work of love for others Tim. 🙏

[@christinamorales6887]

Can you do a series on recovery on narcissistic abuse.

[@jshelley4592]

YES YES YES !!!

[@mandykins8678]

Thank you so much. You have helped me and I recommend your channel to everyone I can.

[@amypelles529]

WOW!! This is an answer to prayer!!! I just prayed the other day, “Why can I not seem to ever receive the love of God in a real way?” It seems like head knowledge not heart. This is sooo amazing! Ty for sharing your content❤️❤️❤️God bless you for this!!!

[@kenra2964]

My problem is that I developed kind of a schizoid existence between the perfect persona whenever I'm among people and aggression breaking through whenever I feel shamed, leading to breaking up my relationships, even if being shamed is merely based on my interpretation. When it in fact happens, I don't deal with it souveraniously (not a native) but start doubting myself and my "bad actions", subdueing to the aggresor. Or, alternatively, react in a very aggressive way, what I feel shame and guilt for afterwards. Then it's all about my aggression and not about the other's behaviour. I appologize just too many times. I have a thing for shaming myself over and over again. I slowly get an idea of it. I wanna find out who I am. Guess much nicer than what I assume. And I wanna find my dignity, knowing that I'm secure in myself and likely much safer in this world than I assume.

[@gmailaccount3423]

Your content is so insightful and beautifully explained. Thank you so much.

[@georgialeblanc6449]

I read a definition of healthy shame as a functional healthy awareness of our limitatations also of the flaws in our character and social emotional programming.