Anger and Complex Trauma - Part 9/11 - Characteristics of Abusers

Why people become abusive, characteristics of an abuser. why people don't leave an abuser and guidelines for leaving an abuser.
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[@forgiven5919]

All the narcissistic people that I know will never consider questioning their own behavior in any way because they are "perfect" in their own eyes.

[@almondmilksoda]

Yes. This herein lies the problem. How can we work on a problem that doesn't exist in their eyes? They refuse to acknowledge it. It is crazy-making and a huge reason why I believe that narcissists are incapable of changing. You can't heal what you don't feel... you can't heal if you're lying to yourself.

[@valeriemikepinera3828]

So true 😮

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

I think..., they do not think that they are perfect. But like this man said...they are beyond selfish and do not care about you and what their behavior does to you. Selfcentered. I think they have great shame very easy and will do everything to avoid feeling shame and because they are beyond selfish, they are able to go great lengths to avoid accountabilty and will go in great leghts to destroy you in the process. Again, because they are beyond selfish and do not care if you suffer great damage.

[@shannonb.7947]

@@heide-raquelfuss5580The narcissists I know were told they were very special and the best, since birth, and do believe they are close to perfect.

[@lobsterbisque7567]

​@@heide-raquelfuss5580I agree! i dated a a narc who thinks she's a christian, but whenever i tried to hold her accountable for her sinful lifestyle & lawlessness, she would say & do anything & everything to get me away from that topic. It was foolish of me to have gotten into that relationship in the first place, but God was kind, and provided wise counsel, and gave me discernment whenever her masked slipped so i could see her for who she really was: a hypocrite who has been given over to a reprobate mind who rejected God decades ago. Even though her refusal at my attempts to witness to her were polite at first(I didn't know she was a narc at the time), she grew more aggressive with each passing attempt. 4mos. into the relationship, i couldn't ignore how much she loved her lawlessness any longer and finally left her. i knew if i had stayed with her, she would never change, and the abuse would only escalate. i'm grateful to God for also making this clear to me: If I chose to stay with her, He would also abandon me to my own sin like He did with her long ago, and i would eventually end up a reprobate like her. And after all the good things He has chosen to give me(healthy family relationships & friendships, good Biblical teaching, divine protection:physical, emotional, & spiritual to name a few out of countless blessings) Choosing to stay with her would be turning my back on Him and one of the worst acts of ingratitude I could not bring myself to commit against Him. When I left her, i went through the entire range of emotions. But God provided wisdom, counsel & comfort to overcome & process my pain. He was good to me again🤯🤯 And i KNOW i do not deserve any of His kindness or His provision. Through it all, He gently humbled me, and nutured my gratitude. He alone deserves all the Glory for what He has done for me. What the enemy meant for destruction, God turned it to my Good!

[@lauraagerlach2864]

16:21 “No matter what you do, it’ll never be good enough.” Nothing is more accurate.

[@jeanniecampbell1374]

it took me so long to learn this but one day I woke up so exhausted I realised no matter what I did to help my sister I realised I was giving from the well that had run out of water ..hope people learn earlier than I did ,

[@lilinsulatorchick9665]

Yes. It's like my ex had this as an inspirational quote in his bathroom and read it every single day lol this sums up his behaviors so well. It didn't matter what I did.. it wasn't every enough. I could spend all day cooking a 4 course meal, and at dinner, his one comment would be "the green beans are too salty" lol I'm so glad to be out of that tyranny. He was the definition of impossible.

[@jaysmamma2750]

With my ex husband, I realized that no matter how far down he pushed me it would never be enough. I had 3 little children and no place to go. In the end, when I stood my ground and I had had enough he quit slamming and choking me. I had to get out and I did. I was the strongest woman I knew but he still managed to abuse me. It's like how you eat an elephant... one piece at a time. These people are cowards. They don't want to go to jail. They don't want you to fight back. It could save your life. If anyone needs to hear this, just leave. Ask for help and get somewhere safe. Don't look back. God bless you 🙏🙏🙏

[@mommyissuesasmr8040]

Yes.

[@naturale_appeal2790]

I internalized that. I can believe it.

[@insanebrain213]

There's also passive aggressive abuse. And gaslighting.

[@krustysurfer]

Almost trickier to deal with...

[@AnaAlmeida001]

Definitely trickier

[@krustysurfer]

@@AnaAlmeida001 cunning........

[@Nvrsettle111]

And other disorders such as personality disorders-much of this rings true for those as well.

[@puseletsotsilo]

True

[@mskinetik]

Regarding the last part of the video. My mother was an abusive narcissist. She read the bible every day, she pretented to be a perfect Christian on the outside, but behind closed doors she was manipulative, cruel, abusive and she certainly didnt treat others as she would like to be treated. As you mentioned, just because someone pretends to be a good Christian doesnt mean they actually practice good morals or values.

[@MissNandita]

Yeah, a family member of mine too participated a lot in prayer sessions and singing god's praise, but she did not apply what god was teaching - to be kind etc. She was very proud of her skills of singing religious songs and the admiration she received but then she started putting down other people and criticizing them, publicly humiliating others in that area. In Hinduism, there was a demon who was a great devotee of god and sang His praises but god punished him for the sins he committed nonetheless. Eventually, the people who admired her because of her skills resented her because of jealousy and they thought she was a bad person. Last thing was not too difficult to convince because she frequently put down people she took for granted.

[@4Mikes4Mindset4]

​@@MissNanditareligious narcs are the absolute worst versions

[@tessw9744]

That's because the Jezebel(NPD) spirit is a spirit that prevents sanctification. When people give their life to the Lord, the Holy Spirit trains that person in holiness. So if the person is spending time with God, the Holy Spirit will convict them of sin and lead the person to repentance. And as time goes by we look more and more like Jesus, bearing fruits of God's Spirit. But if a narcissist refuses to be corrected and is unable to acknowledge their faults, they cannot grow in God. How ya gonna grow in God if you believe you're sinless? Scripture says *"God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble."* Narcissists cannot receive grace, grace is God given power to change. It's impossible to walk with Jesus when you're puffed up with pride.

[@tessw9744]

​@@4Mikes4Mindset4 Yep, 💯

[@mariainespuigchinet]

@@tessw9744 Oh yes, as God do with pedophile priests, abusive nons,narcisistic fanatic religiuos parents, corrupt Vatican and so on...::" if at the end of your life you ask god to forgive you, you go to heaven..in the meanwhile you fantasy with jesus coming to resurrect the death""...That Christiany , as every religion, was made by very severe traumatizied folks, is a fact.( I don`t care about your answer, so don`t waist time doing it)

[@laurentiurudeanu4102]

The series on CPTSD is simply a monumental work. Comprehensive, exhaustive, integrative, crystal clear presentation of a tremendously complex topic. This can save one years of painful fumbling through scattered shady materials and theories

[@mypersonaltestgia2704]

Yep. Post this comment everywhere! We all found Tim Fletchers education & help waayyyy to late in life!

[@sally5256]

Sooo true!!!!

[@dianeclayton4936]

Tim's Magnum Opus! ❤ Stunning!

[@erikafranco609]

I just found him today I wish I found him years ago! We are survivors !!

[@ScottMunthali]

😂

[@thedivinehealingpractice]

Those emotions we go through when we leave is the stages of grieving. That person you thought they were and kept waiting for never existed therefore that nonexistent person is dead so we go through a process of grieving someone’s death.

[@beatefuhrer9688]

Yes. One Thought ... Someone grieving, if he is inner dying, may has a chance before becoming a lost souls. Sad story, because you can only make a good prayer for him, but not saving him, it's the work of our Creator who's the righteousness. We all can imagine and understand: And he was the first who loves us from beginning, the start of existent our life on earth. This early insight gave me my trust into Life. Be Love. Be Peace. Be the Light. God bless you. 🕊️

[@Heseesyou]

Grieving what should have been and what was😢😢😢

[@Heseesyou]

​@beatefuhrer9688 are you a born again believer in christ Jesus?

[@beatefuhrer9688]

@@Heseesyou Big Smile sharing with you. Maybe. It is the "Higher Self" within me, speaking through me in the name of Jesus Christ, if you can understand it that way. I understand the Concept and the Principles of Truth behind it. I often feel it as a sacred Flow. Being fully aware of it. A world without this maxim, the teaching that Jesus Christ imparted to us, the "Christ Consciousness" in ourselves causes it to be effective in our Reality through us, it actually is, I wouldn't want to miss it, because otherwise our "World" would be hopelessly lost. What else will we be able to orient ourselves by? Our own "becoming conscious" is a challenge to master, and at the same time our best opportunity. Consciousness will develop ever higher through us ... Rising to Divine Co-creation. This is how "Jesus Christ" works through us. After all, we are the Living Temple of God, the only place where God really likes to work and can bring us to Life through this Living Love of His, which we can feel physically and spiritually. A silent voice ... Intuition. It is not just a Thought. Not easy to explain. Not just the Holy Spirit. We can act on it and bring Good into this World, we can all create it together. Create Human Dignity. Truth is a cosmic Force, Truth always serves Life. We become the Divine Instrument with which Love can be victorious on Earth and is realized. A sacred Law. The Intelligence of Life, what a miracle we are or may be. Assuming Free Will! This Law of Resonance is more powerful than we realize. I follow my Intuition. We are Living Soul beings. The New Man is born from the God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, that is the vividly "Heavenly Jerusalem" dwelling in us, and at the same time it is a Rebirth of the Living Love, which we will then work through us if we want to represent it, and to the extent that we let it come alive in ourselves and thus unite it with our own Spirit, this is exactly what we radiate again. We will live according to this, this Living Love Being. Being Peace is a sacred Part of the Language of Love. Imagine Peace. Being Living Love. You and me, all animate beings ... I hope I could answer your question. ;-) We find all the Answers within ourselves. Are you ready to receive them? Whoever opens up ~ can receive. Trust your Life. It is a Divine gift born of Love. Yes. That is the Truth. God loves you. Hug. Beate ❤️

[@rubberbiscuit99]

It is pretty disturbing to hear such an accurate description of the behaviors of every abuser I have known in my life. It has been a lot of them, starting with my parents and siblings. I thought I was broken and tried to fix myself all my life. When I understood abuse better, I started setting boundaries and working on my healing. Finally, I found some peace. I hope you find peace too. ☮️❤️

[@rosierb852]

I left my narcissist on March 1, 2024. Finally got my own place after nearly 6 years. I had no contact with my family in 2019. As of March 2024, I have no narcissists in my life and I'm proud of myself. I'm 31 and I'm in EMDR therapy with a great psychologist. I'm studying again and finally have a career. The sky is the limit now! I feel free and content now! All glory to God, my father. When I say my dad, most people think of my worldly father, but I mean my dad in heaven. I still have work to do, but I'll get through this by praying, healing, and consulting with my father about everything I do in this life. It's scary how accurate this content is. ❤

[@mfcmxtt6490]

Go you good thing !! ❤🎉 This is what self esteem looks like, this is what a good life with self esteem and self regulation looks like. I love this for you!

[@user-xj5jm1kd5l]

You go girl woo hoo, it's just to have the penny finally drop and then your jaw hits the floor - everything is clear like water and I want to send a shout-out to the mustard seed that I begged for. Lord, just a mustard seed will savee... All the Glory goes to our great, mysterious Heavenly Father, who loves us, He has a plan, with hope for us Amen

[@franco2b145]

Work hard on NEVER GOING BACKWARDS!! Onward soldier! 🫡

[@chinmeysway]

careful. god our dad is def a narcissist if anyone.

[@chinmeysway]

@@user-xj5jm1kd5lhow are you certain of this persons gender. def been screwed over super hard by a woman narc. are ppl leaving narcissists always women? hell no !

[@dargeo1406]

You’re spot on, thank you. 🙏 Watch out for the overly charming, self-proclaimed “nice guy”. He can be… -Love bombing to get you, followed by.. -Controlling -Manipulative -Deceitful -Overly jealous ( when they are the cheater) -Possessive -Vindictive -Reckless … I wish this was taught at school. It would save lives. Literally.

[@jessicabullock2171]

His explanation of what makes an abuser really hit home. I have never heard it worded so simply and accessibly. When a person values their need or want over love. Mind blowing.

[@whowearereally6494]

Wow 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 This needs to be taught in schools!!!!! Please get a program on national television on this. I think it would change a lot of peoples lives. He was definitely going to bring me back from narcissistic trauma and help me rebuild my life.

[@mlou7432]

Everyone should be taught this before relationships!

[@loading...2535]

I’ve been saying recently why tf did school teach me about everything but MYSELF. I feel duped bc ik the only reason that’s the case is bc if I had a class to learn about myself Id be less pressured to shapeshift into what I’m expected to become, a cog in the capitalist system they got us all trapped in. I feel like they don’t want kids to know themself they don’t really want us to be free thinkers they want to sculpt the youth into more worker bees to work until they r 70.

[@lilinsulatorchick9665]

For real! If I would've learned this in school, I'd be a totally different person today. And think of how many potential abusers could see this and change because they're ideas have been exposed. It would save so much heart ache.

[@Youtubehandlesaresilly]

But then how would society get the kids it needs? (I wish I was joking) The reality is, knowing != doing and healing these internal issues is really, really hard. And takes time. Which historically (and maybe even now?) no one has.

[@thedivinehealingpractice]

Absolutely

[@staceystrukel1917]

@@KZbinhandlesaresillylmao

[@Ben-ru9ju]

As a child of a mother who left an abuser, I 100% agree leaving is better if you can. My stepmother remarried another abuser. I am not putting up with it. If my biological mom hadn’t left, I would probably think that bad treatment is normal and put up with it.

[@foxiefair123]

Believe it or not it feels comfortable. You know you need to leave, but when they’re not being abusive you feel safe. I know it’s weird, but also if the person is so controlling that they won’t let you out of their sight you get Stockholm Syndrome. This was my experience during my marriage with my son’s father.

[@Patsanford220]

Trauma bonding 😢

[@foxiefair123]

@@Patsanford220 Exactly.

[@elizabethy2912]

Yeah, you put it really well. This was my experience as well.

[@franco2b145]

The power is yours!

[@cristenhartman5185]

It's called a Trauma Bond.

[@BeRightBack131]

3 minutes in and I can tell you this is 100% accurate. When I finally escaped my abusive parents, I fought so hard to overcome the shame, so that I would never be like my father. My 7 siblings, on the other hand, swung the other way. They had so much shame that they became abusers like my dad. I know this because first of all, I grew up with them, so I know their shame, but also because they talked about it in certain ways. Me, though... I faced the shame. I cried, I got angry about it, I accepted it as my past reality, I forgave myself (for not being perfect). I allowed myself to not be perfect, because nobody is perfect. It's the hardest battle anyone will ever fight, turning around and facing yourself in the mirror. But it's also the most liberating battle you'll ever win. Because once you can look at yourself in the mirror and find peace, come to terms with your life, past and present, become comfortable in your own skin - meaning I'm okay, I am who I am, if you don't like me, that's okay, because not everyone likes everyone else. It's difficult to explain all the deep work that has to be done, but once you do, it changes your life... anyway, this is very accurate.

[@cupcake0480]

👏

[@vee1545]

Good on you for doing the hard work ❤ this was an inspiring read and a good reminder that I’m not ‘just too sensitive’

[@cleber7081]

I found out that my mother is a narcissist, then rushed to tell my siblings, who listened and ignored. I sounded crazy saying narcissistic mother, pointing out things she did to them that they always ignored. I'm the youngest son, they promised to support my studies, but ended up repeating everything my mother did; the perfectionism to make things right was evident. This drove me crazy to the point of waking up at 3:30 in the morning. The lack of money made me extremely disciplined to succeed in my studies; with every failure, I pointed out my mistakes. I discovered there's such a thing as a co-narcissist/codepency. I'm still fighting for a good job, keeping my head steady is being difficult, but I'm close.

[@KellBelle65]

The abuser doesn't just threaten the individual but also the children or other family members.

[@RainingPouringSnoring]

This. Pets too. Many people stay in abusive relationships because they can't take their pet(s) to the shelter with them.

[@user-uh4yj9cy6k]

@@RainingPouringSnoring How do we help people get their power back? Like when a woman is in a horrible relationship, can we demand she leave with us?

[@KellBelle65]

@@user-uh4yj9cy6k You can't demand anyone to do anything. It is always better to reason with someone. However, when a person is in an abusive relationship, the stress level along with various responsibilities may make a decision difficult to make. FEAR is the driving emotion and the abuser uses it to their advantage. You won't get anywhere by demanding anything. They may be terrified of their abuser but they will also be afraid of the unknown and the chance of going from the frying pan into the fire. Tread lightly.

[@ShiningBrightlyEachDay]

My ex used to say that he hated himself. That is the turning point when I knew that is why he was abusive to those closest to him. It was very sad to experience. I had to end the relationship and move on.

[@BillyLintzenich-wf7sk]

My narc ex gf used to say she couldnt love anyone because she has no love for herself. Also several times i would text her and say that shes verbally abusing me, so her response was nobody should be abused and/or she'd say that i deserve better and that i should run.

[@spacelullaby]

I wish I had the strength to do the same, but I stayed for years until the abuse escalated because I thought there was no one else to support him and he deserved to feel some actual semblance of support and care, turns out your self worth rots and you begin to hate yourself, everything around you becomes warped, I lost my passion for life and my ability to focus on things like music and art very quickly, but I'm the happiest I've been in years now.

[@fatumakim4217]

Same. In the end, he asked me how can he love anyone when he doesn't even love himself. He said he was full of self hatred & when that happened he didn't think about anyone else.

[@bygrace8485]

The cognitive dissonance is one of the hardest things to reconcile; integrating the nice, charming guy and the cold, calculated monster as the same person… rough.

[@EnglishFuture-xg1gw]

Dear viewer. It may hurt to face these things. and it does. but you will come out the other end in better shape. ❤

[@Angelfooddiet]

I'm not healed but I'm okay today. I'm grateful for that..

[@miku5773]

One day I went home and my dad was hitting my brother and I did get in the middle, he said : get out or you will get some as well, this has nothing to do with you.. I sadi to him, dare to hit me and you will have to kill me because you know I will call the police.. I have called the police before and I knew they would take him with them if there was a third time. He was in the army so he knew.. And this man is the reason why I did marry and abuser, and the decision I took for myself and my brother that day was the reason why I did get out of that nightmare, it is taking a lot of time to heal, but you are right, SELFRESPECT Love your neighbor as yourself is not advice, is law.. wonderful video, Just what I needed to hear today

[@GeorgiaEnglish88]

His sequence of stages of abuse is eerily accurate. It gives a lot of clarity, but also makes me feel stupid like I fell for an age-old scheme.

[@Here4TheHeckOfIt]

Why feel stupid? Undergirding all of this is an abuse of trust. To love is to trust. You can't have a loving relationship without it and that is the risk taken when starting a relationship and getting to know someone. The person being abused believes they are loved back, while the abuser prioritizes their needs. You just took a risk and it didn't work out because it was the wrong person.

[@mombythesea2426]

It IS age-old, which means millions of people throughout time and across continents have been caught up in it. You're definitely not alone or stupid.

[@BeRightBack131]

I used to feel like that, felt stupid that I fell for his mask, the ages old manipulation tactics, etc. Then I realized that I wasn't the only one. His other wife fell for it. So did all the counselors, custody evaluators, lawyers, neighbors, his family, etc. It's because they know when to turn on the charm and bs the right people at the right time. He even had MY family believing his lies. I finally asked my mom why the whole family was turning against me. She said well he said you did this and that, and I just stared at her, before finally saying mom! Are you serious? You know me better than anyone. Do you really think I would do such things? I could see the light bulb going off in her head, a sudden epiphany... then she realized that she had fallen for his charm and lies, too. At that moment, he lost all power over my family. So don't feel stupid. Many, many others before and after you have been tricked in the same way. You came to the table (relationship) with trust, honesty, true intentions, love, and morality. The other person came to the table with the intention and idea to trick you into believing in their mask. If such trickery didn't work time and time again over the thousands of years of human existence, they wouldn't be using the same old tricks over and over again. You and I are not the first, nor will we be the last people on earth to be tricked by such people. While it might be a tactic as old as the hills, it was a new experience for us, and we had no way of knowing what to look for. You wouldn't expect a kindergartener to know everything on the first day of school, so why expect yourself to be so all-knowing to know how to navigate a narcissist/abusive person? Especially when they're so very, very good at hiding their true selves.

[@staceystrukel1917]

Me too

[@margaretmlydon6910]

Please don't beat yourself up. You were played. That's the simple fact. Learn from it and make sure to, stop, and think, before giving over your heart to someone new. If it doesn't feel right, don't waste your, time, love and energy on them. Take care.❤

[@alee77777]

Tim is a rock star. He is my gift from God!

[@elbradavid533]

No one in the religious community is doing his work. Amazing!

[@reck0n3r]

They can't because they don't have the same level of understanding.

[@pattyjordan3656]

They are saying the opposite and adding secondary abuse.

[@dani323]

That you have not found them does not mean that they are not there. #krisreece does a great job! And a group of therapists too here on KZbin.

[@user-uh4yj9cy6k]

@@pattyjordan3656 Right. 'Endure till the end.' No!

[@joelthemodelcitizen]

Listen to Jesse Lee Petersons church. Not his political stuff so much as his church. He’s got a unique way of sayin it, but his message is in the same vein. It too is Amazin!

[@marilynwarbis7224]

The one help I needed in escaping from living with a malevolent narcissist, was help in physical escape, i.e., money to leave and rent a new place to live. Nothing else helped - neither psychiatrists, counsellors, friends. I just needed to leave, with my children, but couldn't through lack of money.

[@user-uh4yj9cy6k]

This is where we are at as a family. Once my daughter told me her boyfriend took her phone and cut off access to money, I told her, get the kids from daycare and move in with us! She didn't want to be a 'burden or a bother'. I said you will not be! Please! She went back to him and now things are very bad. We can barely talk to her because he has so much locked down!

[@doricetimko5403]

@@user-uh4yj9cy6kI’m praying for you and your daughter, sending loving energy your way.

[@wishfulbeauty]

Same. I knew others like myself were and are going through the nightmare. I compare it to being in a “nazi camp” and I was the person (if I didn’t escape) somehow….would be in the “gas chamber” silenced w no regard and with a huge cover up. Sounds extreme ….doesn’t it. Sadly…that’s what came over me and gave me a whole new perspective for sooo many who faced their death at the hands of their abusers and the community around them pretending “they care and do nothing” The movie, Sleeping with the enemy hits home along with Children Under the stairs, flowers in the attic. The abusers were not a significant other but a whole system of a nuclear family. Domestic violence against women didn’t classify this abuse as worthy to help me to get out in my very small town. Blows my mind. Literally.

[@saskiavermeulen3346]

Exactly, just this! And the people around are only saying leave! Why you are still there and start to bully....but where to go? They do not care and do not help you....exactly, money and house is the only thing that saves you asap

[@ShirleyMcalpine]

I have several degrees which I can do nothing with because I also have traumatic brain injury. I'm having to learn everything from the beginning. What I do remember is that I was severely abused as a child and that is still with me, although I've spent my lifetime healing. I'm 74 years old now. I know a great deal about complex PTSD and I just want to say that you make excellent points and you put them in such a way that they're easy to understand. No One needs complex ideas with complex PT SD and now that I'm relearning everything, you've helped me a lot to put things in perspective. I just want to thank you! Thank you so much for all that you've done.

[@Lyrielonwind]

You are right. I have listened to some channels which makes me sleepy. English is my second language but I can tell when people go talking around circles and with so many words that it's easy to get lost or bored and sleepy.

[@TellSamyra]

Excellent description of narcissists/abusers

[@nomakeupcutie]

Just so you know, my abuser didn't show the negative aspects until an argument. I didn't recognize the isolation or the smear campaigns because I was never told about it. The isolation was subtle as they leaned into hurt that was already there.

[@andreamagyar5541]

You don't know what you don't know . Now you know better.

[@karenlynch8348]

If only we had SUPPORT to leave

[@SarahG266]

I’m being my own support. Built myself up for years and now I’m ready. Good luck.

[@michellezoske7581]

Empty gestures to act like they care enough todo maindain things out of love but really they hate and despise u

[@azania3817]

The gratitude I have to God for leading me here! For years I have suffered with cptsd But therapist and doctors don’t know I’ve been healing for years however relapsed from another traumatic experience I’ve never been so determined to turn everything around, on medication to help my mental whilst giving my life back to God rewriting my story Thank You for this… I pray God keeps my soul mate whilst I heal

[@ShandaMichelle1]

God has got you! It’s absolutely amazing how Christ can change everything when we truly seek Him with all our heart. 🤍

[@tiadobi6932]

Pastor Tim's insights are extraordinary. Thank you for this psyche education made simple. The more needs you have that trump love the more of a narcissist you are.... Abusers don't come showing you they're an abuser on day 1.

[@cmay2840]

A lot of narcissists were SPOILED

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

I know a lot who where spoiled AND abused in some way or form, also some where abandoned, neglected. For example...enough comfort, goods, an easy life in general, but bullied at the same time.

[@mombythesea2426]

​@@heide-raquelfuss5580I know a lot who grew up in mansions with the best of everything, and were told how amazing and perfect they were, while simultaneously facing abuse like being locked in their rooms for hours and being told they were useless, worthless humans. They're abusive adults now

[@chezzysquatch]

As if that’s their fault. Parents are trash. The cycle continues.

[@cmay2840]

@@chezzysquatch it's their fault....they KNOW what they are doing.

[@cmay2840]

@@mombythesea2426 I know a lot of people that were abused way worse, poor, and don't treat people badly

[@OneSparrow-76]

Mine took 6 years to unmask…I can see warning signs now, but it was like a frog in a pan and the heat was turning up before..

[@Julia78309]

That's such a true analogy

[@lauraagerlach2864]

Mine took 10 years to unmask; I feel for us.

[@OneSparrow-76]

@@lauraagerlach2864, I am sorry you have had to face it as well. You ARE worthy of Love, compassion, tenderness…I’m praying for you and you heart and mind…❤️‍🩹

[@robins3672]

OMG! I’ve said the same thing - it’s like boiling a frog. Six years for me, too. Narcissistic behavior associated with AUD. Fortunately no physical abuse.

[@karenlynch8348]

They are ALL. Like that. We also missed signs we didn’t want to see

[@Sproutgoodnight1161]

Hallelujah you can pray at anytime and anywhere walking down the street before an stressful situation at home in your closet under a tree outside in your backyard at home in bed just pray.

[@Eva-np7hf]

For me it's impossible to heal unless I understand what causes a narcissist to behave the way they do. I'm so thankfull for this superb explanation.

[@XZ858XZ]

In all my nearly 3 decades on this earth and time in church and bible camp, I never learned how to properly pray until today. Thank you 🙏🏽 Pastor Tim

[@genxmum5569]

The problem I found with having consideration for the children was seeing what happened in other families when Dad was granted 50/50 custody and had no interest in caring for the children. They were neglected and abused worse without the other parent being there.

[@jgauffin4548]

Omg, this is so true that I can't even believe someone can describe it all so 100% correct. Lived and suffered through all aspects of this living hell with my narcissist ex-partner. There's no more miserable life than what you get stuck in with these monsters.

[@bushraalmas5397]

I have no words to express my fealings,wasted my whole life with an abuser,now crying what i have done with my life

[@TheBlackCat1337]

same, I did it to to protect others. The abuse will keep getting worse. They cannot see reality.

[@Julia78309]

They can't.. usually if you try to tell a friend they usually say you're wrong..🙄

[@doricetimko5403]

You learned an important lesson and you survived. Now it’s time to thrive.

[@arlenepoirier]

Like one person said: when you know better you do better. You did what you could with the toolbox you had. Forgive yourself because you will be filled with cancer: shame and guilt. This type of cancer kills the soul.😮 Do your best starting today and ask for wisdom and discernment. 😊 Blessing. May the peace/healing of the Lord Jesus overcome all your pain and sadness.

[@Goodboy0953]

Same here! Waisted the last 23 years.

[@andrewpipitone1572]

This fellows videos are invaluable.❤

[@victoriarosario3338]

Thank you for this series Mr. Fletcher. I cannot begin to express the gratitude that I feel for your work on CPTSD/Shame & Abuse, and Co-dependency. I am 64 and would have given anything to have your knowledge when I first started going to counselors 47 years ago..."Better late than never", right? 🙏💔🌞Thank you. And God Bless you!

[@frograna1897]

I've seen so many narcissist/abuse videos...this guy nailed it . Absolutely 💯 wow. Thank you. I left 2 years ago after 10 years and 5 kids. But wow. Wish I'd have seen this 10 years ago.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Coming from a Catholic tradition (quite dark and punitive) and thinking about the songs I had to sing, they were quite pompous and I appreciate more simple words like "Oh, happy day" and it's rhythm; it's a song that makes me cheerful. The older I get the more I enjoy simplicity in any aspect, music, literature, etc.

[@tinydoodlepieP]

The other night, I prayed to God to help me only act from a place of love with my child and then this video series came up in my feed. Thank you. 🙏

[@sunnyadams5842]

Today, now, is the perfect time to leave The Narcissist.

[@DaughterofChurch]

What about reactive abuse? I was in a relationship where we both had shame and both became toxic. It brought out the worst parts I vowed never to be, and it was so hard to forgive myself.

[@Couscous77]

I’m fairly certain that’s not exactly reactive abuse but honestly i have incorrectly used it this way before myself. Reactive abuse is when abusers rile up strong emotion in a target then the abuser points and says look you are proving me right! Look how angry you are! It’s not that we yell at them because they yell at us. Reactive abuse is a specific cycle.

[@doricetimko5403]

Good on you for recognizing AND acknowledging what was going on. We always have this moment to choose to take a fork in the road, or a side trail as life goals evolve.

[@sarahalderman3126]

Wow!!! I have never been able to articulate this desire or instinct I have had to HIDE my own shame/embarrassment! I have felt such intense guilt because I felt so drawn to it, yet HATED just the thought of feeling it. So afraid that I desired to be like those who hurt me. Such intense guilt for even feeling or thinking these things! I could never understand WHY I felt that way and then when my husband humiliated me by cheating and lying about it for years I simply died inside. That is how it has felt, I was trapped by these emotions, I could never escape because the enemy was now INSIDE of me. One that I could never allow to escape yet tortured me constantly. There was no way out. Until I began to listen to these. This is probably the 100th time I have listened now and I can not even begin to describe the peace and joy that has re entered my soul simply from understanding my own thoughts and feelings. I can release my guilt for these emotions. I can love myself despite my weaknesses. How did I receive 8 YEARS of trauma counseling and have NEVER have even come close to this peace of understanding?

[@belogical3961]

Because he didn't want your money? Sometimes we hide and let shame be our God. Shame has dictated so many decisions in my life and it has tried to turn me into a narcissist. The only way out for me is to tell others about the things that shame me. It is scary but an adventure you have been seeking your entire life. Now that the person is out of your life, there will be a void. Do you have a void from the husband that you got away from? You should, I hope you understand that you need to feel the void that is there from the missing person and take with you the good parts that your ex filled. I have started to pretend I am no longer married to my wife and what it will take to be without her. I bawled like a baby in the shower just a minute ago. But the key is to not go back to the ex, but to feel the pain and to feel gratitude towards God that you are thankful for the support he was and keep that with you forever.

[@doricetimko5403]

I don’t know the answer to that last question but I am so gladdened to know that you’re experiencing peace and resolution 💜

[@KathyRea01]

My parent was abusive and I had a traumatic childhood, but I don't go around being a dick to other people...

[@user-fj5bd6qt4c]

I recognize that I can become emotionally abusive if triggered by things I say or write. Am working very hard to become aware of things that trigger me so that I can learn to be stable in my reactions…I am healing, step by step. You are helping me. Thank you. Do have appt with Intake.

[@kevinewing-oo8ix]

Excellent presentation .. I didn't see it coming. Shame from being disrespected as a child. Very helpful

[@bevsofroniuk1193]

Don't let emotions cloud facts ( limbic vs cortex)

[@hman9581]

29:55 - Respect and Stand up for yourself. (Others treat you as how you feel about yourself - "You are not so important" ). Worth it.

[@sandracaezza7234]

My life for 24 yrs. I have had much therapy & no one has ever touched on these topics in this way. I was married to a narc/addict. Many relapse/recovery. I finally worked on myself & found the bare minimum was not enough anymore. His last relapse was so demoralizing with steroids gym adoration gay porn . 1-1-24 I discarded & my new journey is a blessing in so many ways Grateful for on going education ty

[@Monalisa0622]

Very similar. Married 17 yrs, separated for 4 with 2 kids. Same, steroids, drugs and sleeping with men I recently found out. The difference is he took his life this Dec.

[@sandracaezza7234]

@@Monalisa0622 the content in these videos is most helpful . I recognize the pain you have felt. May you have peace & continue your growth on your journey.

[@sarahkennedy1481]

Why do you think they turned gay or had gay sex?

[@Snow-wz6eu]

Most addict are narcs. Mostly men.

[@drunkenwilly22]

Oh my god…I’m am abuser. Thank you for these clips, I really learned a lot about myself in a moment I needed it the most

[@bonnielynn6662]

Coming from an upbringing where abuse was normalized...This has brought so much enlightenment...I can overcome this and so can you! ❤ Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.

[@keldub7123]

Betrayal Trauma is real, is common and more people need to talk about this. Thankyou so much.

[@dk5755]

Lightbulb moment - when causing the pain and calling it love. This totally explains my confusion

[@paularyan8400]

This series is tremendous and I have recommended it to many people. However, I am disturbed that sexual abuse is attributed to sex drive. It has nothing to do with sex drive and everything to do with power, control, punishment, shame, domination, and humiliation. That being said, thank you soooo much, Pastor Tim, for giving us this impressive body of work.

[@politereminder6284]

I don't think he's attributing sex abuse to sex drive, but to someone using their sex drive as a weapon because their sex drive "Trumps love". You cannot be sexually abusive without a sex drive. You will end up using other abusive tactics if so.

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

Sex is allways number 1. The rest is number 2. The sex drive of men is dangerous high and they inflict at the same time horrors on you, to break you. To make you suffer and to make utter vulnerable and to the point of even killing you. It is an explosive combination. And utterly abusive, selfish to the core.

[@terayzea9240]

People stay because they have been beaten down. I don’t believe we stay because we don’t think we can’t do better. We stay because we fell in love with a fake persona that’s never coming back once the mask comes off.

[@lblincoe2094]

It sounds so obvious and clear cut to invalidate staying for the kids when you point out how much better/safer the kids would be without the abuser, but leaving the abusive relationship means YOU get to escape the abuser, it doesn't mean the kids do! Unless the abuser has been physically abusive AND it was bad enough AND you've got proof of it AND you've got someone reasonable working in family law deciding your fate, leaving just means the kids are now exposed to the abuser on their own without your protection. Sure, they're with you and safely away from the abuser half of the time, but the other half of the time they're completely vulnerable and you're no longer present to make sure they're safe. Custody is a messy, broken system that fails kids as much as it helps them.

[@y.peffle2802]

a lot of times the spouse to the abuser is an enabler

[@jimig399]

I think this is why America is in a downward spiral. The family dynamic is unimportant to the family courts. Fathers have been deemed unnecessary and that is wrong. Fathers teach children honor, integrity and social cues. Necessary things to interact in society. 26 million kids are growing up in homes in America this year without a father or any positive, male role model in the home. That is trauma. These traumatized kids are going out and having kids only to traumatize those kids. We need to stop having kids. The system is chewing them up and spitting them out for profit and don't care about the collateral damage that fractures out from there. Mine will be among them.

[@socol76]

That’s why I stayed as long as I did, I couldn’t bear to have my children with him for half the time when I wouldn’t be there to protect them.

[@EllaCinder-lh4ro]

@@y.peffle2802anyone who “ stays “ with an abuser ( addict - this terms and labels come from the addiction recovery community ) is labeled as being “ enablers “ or “ codependents “ because in this system of understanding, the people who “ allow “ ( isn’t this ironic since relationships of abuse are all about unilateral control ) an abuser or addict is dependent on power abuse, or alcohol, or drugs and those in relationship with them are characterized to be dependent ( codependent ) on them. The reality is that people often stay in relationships for too long for tangible reasons ( shame, lack of resources, guilt, fear, low self worth or material or physical resources) not because they are “ addicted “ or “ covertly controlling “ .. My comments are fully supportive of everything Tim is saying about the difference between reasons and rationalizations; but terms like “ enablers “ are borrowed from a paradigm describing drug dependency and puts a problematic slant in understanding the nuances of long term trauma and abuse. I hope I’m making my point clear.

[@laurenhamilton3537]

@@socol76 That's also why I stayed so long. There would also have been the risk of a cruel step mother for my children.

[@ericborczuk135]

This part (and the part about how people with complex trauma "Create what they hate") have been extremely revelatory to me. Thank you so much

[@Monalisa0622]

What a blessing I found this channel. There is so much that I can relate with.

[@Melinamiu007]

Wow. this man is a genius.

[@dyanajones3298]

This had a lot of practical application to glean.

[@robinchilds7492]

I didn't leave until my kids were in college. They still resent me and won't even talk to me.

[@lindasharp8523]

My 3 are horrible. I've done with the disrespect and abuse.

[@Eirene628]

😢

[@JusSeenIt]

The feeling of guilt, children, and fear that they will fall apart is so real!

[@jilewa]

This is such great information. Our whole society needs this knowledge to evolve. Thankyou for sharing your work and making it accessible 🙌❤ One thing I realised in your point about limbic vs cortex, is that an abusive situation reduces a victim’s ability to use their cortex effectively. They are kept in panic/emotion/fear state where their thinking skills are undermined, undervalued, and depleted by the abuser. Sleep deprivation, anxiety, depression, isolation, physical and psychological abuse - all reduce a person’s ability to think clearly and rationally. Its a kind of brain damage and can take a long time to heal. Trying to switch it on again in order to escape can add to the feeling that it’s impossible, that you cant survive without them. Reach out for help. Make a safety plan with someone you trust and ask for as much support as you can find to enact it, get safe and protect yourself while you recover. Its so hard but the other side is SO worth it.

[@bettyjean740]

I state in extremely mentally abusive relationship because I had been in a physically abusive one plus childhood. I simply didn't recognize it. I believed I was being to sensative. There was yelling close in my face, usually if I was feeling good or happy and relaxed my response was to cry and then it was spun to see, you are sick and over reactive, you need therapy, quit living in the past, etc. I kept trying to change myself!

[@Sproutgoodnight1161]

Please pray for my family please pray for us we're lost.

[@chrislong2204]

This is the first time I have heard of the limbic system as driving the emotional choices of trauma bonded victims. It explains a lot though. Great series.

[@VikingSpirit942]

This is an incredibly accurate and clear explanation- and it is amazing that it runs to such a predictable pattern-unfortunately I can confirm all of this is 110% correct and also very practical without being judgemental- wonderful job!!!

[@MrExlax10]

This one hurts the most but I need to focus on it and learn from it.

[@CMoore8539]

Thank you for sharing this with us! Excellent Pastor Tim!!!

[@petervisen]

Tim Fletcher has revoluonized my own to the better. Now I can serve God with all my capabilites. God Bless...

[@steceymorgan814]

Tripping is not really bad but find a good mycologist Who will teach you the right things you need to know

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Germany. Really need

[@patriaciasmith3499]

Yes, dr.sporessss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@IkamiLog]

The shroom experience stands as my most remarkable journey, an awe-inspiring encounter that left an indelible mark of amazement.

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Is he on instagram?

[@patriaciasmith3499]

Yes he is. dr.sporessss

[@whynot4]

Abusers nowadays have adapted and they get you by saying let’s take it slow and they won’t pressure you and make you feel like you are pressing them

[@BlinkinFirefly]

This definitely happened to me. I think you're onto something. The abuser I knew would get over-defensive even if I just asked how their day was. He is a twisted person.

[@whynot4]

@@BlinkinFirefly yes! So defensive and they make you feel like you have crossed their boundaries and violated them over something normal. It makes you question who you really are and you walk on eggshells not to make them upset or say you are doing anything to them. They tell their friends you are really abusing them and they are the ones violated when you are just trying to ask them about their behavior that was bad towards you. It’s crazy

[@invisiblegirl28]

I'm amazed at how accurate he is.

[@davemustachio2734]

You are describing my wife to a T. She is verbally abusive and she puts me down all the time especially in front of my friends. We are going through marriage counseling. She has trauma she is not dealing with. I told if I stay she is going to deal with the trauma or I am gone.

[@sunnyadams5842]

Brilliant man. Brilliant as all the videos from Tim Fletcher are. Clear as a bell explanations. Listen up, folks.

[@forgingstrength6119]

I lived with this almost 14 years. It almost ended my life.

[@coda2197]

Please don’t stay for the kids. My kids in their 20’s are still dealing with the fallout of covert abuse we all endured.

[@anatoliypankevych4853]

I understand that. I tried to make that work, but it only got worse. And now my 3-year old son is with his abusive mother and I can’t even save him from there

[@junepaterson2267]

Same.

[@AnimalFarm341]

Court system doesn’t protect the children. They still deal with it and I can’t do anything about it.

[@Sunshyne715]

The accuracy of this video is gold. I feel so validated. Thank you.

[@bereanathlete723]

Praise God for Pastor Tim Fletcher and Finding Freedom, Woohoo!

[@andylee7862]

its truely amazing what Tim Fletcher reveals here... so much truth is spoken by this man. Thanks a lot and may all sentien beings free themselves from abusive relationships. amen

[@erikafranco609]

I'm new to this channel tim your fantastic! Better that any thetepist i had in many years hit that like button !

[@davebird534]

After the first time after being separated from my wife understand why she is the way she is NYC is treated me the way she has. The way she is it byproduct of her father leaving her and almost completely abandoning her and and her mother, and brother and sister .. from what I understand he was a very strong an abusive tough guy and womanizer who was very successful in life he had 13 kids all around the world. I could show her this video even though it makes 100% common sense. It would not register to her because she thinks she's perfectly I don't know anybody can ask could see the this doctor is describing her actions and behaviors perfectly in great detail!

[@Vegan4life555]

Why hasn’t this man got a million views when influencers do?? Doesn’t that tell us something . Fantastic information Thank you so much Sent from Manchester UK

[@user-zz8zv5fm7p]

I left a violent dating relationship asap and ended up in a battered womens shelter where I was abused and shamed by the other survivors. I barely survived being stalked and killed by this crazy guy and I had no soft place to fall. We need more training and more options for women fleeing these people. I ended up eventually working as a resource specialist in the school district and with God's help rebuilt a healthy life.

[@Shut-up-Shelly]

The Lord’s Prayer is the only prayer we need…it covers it all!!! Every aspect of our lives is in there!!! Reverence for God thankful forgiving and saying only His will be done in our lives not our will!! It really covers it all!!! Thank you Yeshua!!! ❤

[@KoolT]

I was agnostic and so afraid of God. Alanon helped me so much.

[@foxiefair123]

God loves you. He is there waiting for you with open arms until you are ready.

[@lindasonntag4098]

This man is a genius

[@liciaspencer9955]

Thank you for this video. Perfect timing for me. I really needed to hear this. I recently started a friendship with someone, at first he was a gentleman, charming, everything good, then suddenly everything started to move very fast. His true colors started coming out. I am glad that things ended before things got to far, because your heart is deceitful and who can know it. We run on emotions and I was emotionally attached because we were spending a lot of time together. I realized it was all about his needs and wants. He didn't care about me at all.

[@neweller420]

I have been trying to learn about myself INTENSELY for 15 years, this did a fast forward in my inter knowing, thank you so much for this

[@marthawhite3353]

Hearing this makes me feel sick, I know in my head that you are right but I am still shocked that I fell for this abusive person !! I would never allow someone to treat me like this, and yet - he was exactly like your describe. How did that happen? They are so smooth and good at their manipulations, and as you say - the 'remorse,' which sounds so good. The real person is so scary and dangerous, and it is imperative to get away. No growth, no desire to grow and change, nothing !

[@nilgiridreaming]

Hi Martha, I think you have met my x hubby! 🤣🤣🤣!!!!!

[@w8what575]

One thing though to remember what doesn’t kill us only makes us that much stronger….I can honestly say, the past 15 years have been extremely traumatic because I’ve attracted more abusers but each one has opened up my eyes even more to the reason why I attract these types….I’ve had the latest one who tried to weasel his way in many times and was persistent af but he assumed I was old and desperate lol….when he offered something if i give him something else he wanted kind of tactic and then tried to pay it off like he didn’t mean to insult me as if I’m desperate and willing to lower my standards for something from him lol….I laughed and got quite assertive with his bs rebuttals and flat out told him he’s not gonna succeed in gaslighting me….I know how he was intending to make me feel with what he said and that doesn’t change by his explanation to try covering up the carelessness in what he said and what he intended…I can see the bs immediately…and stand my ground when the persistence starts…I don’t care if I hurt anyone’s feelings anymore because they don’t care if they hurt mine with their bs comments and their idiotic assumptions as if I’m stupid…to try to make me feel like I’m not adequate and then to insult my intelligence is a guarantee that I’ll never “feel sorry” for them again no matter what happens to them…not my monkey not my circus…in his case it’s not my clown and not my circus 😂….I will never let someone make me feel as if I’m not worthy of common respect especially in my own home! I don’t have to take advantage of people and take from others in order to survive…they do….that says ALOT about them ….I may have been naive at one point or another but I learned from My mistakes and will make damned sure it never happens again..

[@greggarnes8387]

This description fits what corporate america does to their employees. Fits like a glove as to how the ass kissing pyramid of hierarchy plays itself out.

[@user-ok8mr6qz7h]

Omg This explanation is the best I have ever heard I was married 36 years to an emotional abuser who I learned had Madonna Complex and was addicted to porn he passed in ‘22 through therapy I’ve learned all this

[@kirstenoliver5942]

Would you mind sharing and explaining what you know about the Madonna Whore Syndrome? I really think my ex husband has this. I was trapped in a 25 year marriage with him covert abuser

[@user-ok8mr6qz7h]

Madonna whore complex is where a man loves he can’t desire where he desires he can’t love these men develop this because of childhood trauma and most often their mother falls to protect them from the abuse so as an adult the man finds a woman he puts in the Madonna camp usually after marriage we had a regular sex life before marriage but almost non existent after. The more assertive the wife becomes and successful the husband begins putting her in the whore camp but doesn’t desire her still he becomes more emotionally abusive to her. His Brian is constantly seeking the wife to be perfect doing everything his mother failed him on. These men can only be satisfied sexually with porn addiction and or cheating with prostitution or both. The love their wives only as wife material no intimacy. There’s a couple of books that explain this hope this helps

[@1991windsor]

There have been studies on individuals diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. They show that these people are born with less gray matter in the brain. Gray matter in the brain is where empathy begins to forms in most children around the age of 5. This to me would explain arrested development they have and the lack of maturity they never seem to develop. This also explains to me the reason why they are maladaptive and unable to change and they seem to operate from the same playbook no matter where in the world they live. I do believe some of these individuals are probably abused at some point in their life, but I don't think they all are. I think a lot of them say they were abused but never were. I hope doctors continue to study this disorder. I just recently found your channel and love all your videos. I just finished the series on "Shame" and I'm going to listen to it again.

[@y.peffle2802]

he has a video on this, according to him narcs are made not born. They faced extreme shame in childhood. When a person says they were abused , most likely they were

[@sarahw7616]

​@@y.peffle2802🎯🎯🎯

[@w8what575]

@@y.peffle2802they people I know to be narcissistic and possibly even sociopathic all were spoiled rotten and placed on a pedestal from the moment they were born…allowed to get away with everything by simply telling lies of abuse typically towards the parent enduring the abuse…or the child they don’t like as much as the rest of their children etc…,my mother had 6 kids I’m the oldest..she’s always hated me and has scapegoated me for everything …makes up stories and gaslights me after I’ve confronted her for blatantly lying to make me look bad and for no other reason…she refers to me as the ugly daughter and a psycho because my ex husband was speeding around that my two sisters and him had fooled around while I was married to him…meaning they were under aged…when I heard about it I had told my mother what I’d heard..what she heard me say is my sisters are trying to sleep with my exhusband ….not that my ex was gossiping around bragging he hd slept with my two minor aged sisters and making them look like they were whores…she went in and announces to my entire family that I was an effing psycho and need to commit u know what…what kind of mother does that? She is still friends with my ex husband too…ao are my two sisters…..who supported him throughout the divorce and even drove my car he took from me and left me with nothing …and I’m the psycho that needs to end myself so that all their problems will go away…lol….

[@OliveWeitzel]

You are so precious, Tim Fletcher!

[@jeanniecampbell1374]

Amazing memory and deep knowledge would have loved to have had a friend like Tim while growing up ..amazing every time I listen too him .phew a lot to take in .